Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

RUI POV

Today was a Friday. Everyone was usually bursting with energy about the weekend, especially Tsukasa. But he was acting…off. He seemed less pumped about practice, but more reluctant to leave practice. He was like this yesterday as well, I asked him if he was doing alright and he gave a positive answer. Stupid me, I should’ve known he would just lie. The fact that he’s not back to normal after a night’s rest says it all.

So I offered to walk Tsukasa home today. I’m sure he could tell I wasn’t going to take no for an answer, so he obliged. He was walking in front of me the whole time. Whenever I tried to speed up to be next to him, he would walk a little faster. It was like he didn’t want me to be near him. I eventually gave it up, noticing how he’d do it every time. We just walked in silence, but I was hoping it was a comfortable silence, at least for him to know that I’m just behind him if he needed anything. Well, Tsukasa’s house was getting closer, and he started walking slower and slower. His shoulders and head slumped slightly lower each step, and it was worrying me sick. I had to take action, this can’t go on any longer.

“Tsukasa-kun.” I said, stopping walking to really get his attention. He stopped almost immediately, almost like he could tell I was going to say something. Maybe he himself knew that he was so off. I'd even begun to lose my patience. I took a step closer, “Tsu-” I paused as I saw his shoulders twitch slightly. It was unexpected, bizarre, and quite scary. I noticed he clenched his fists at his side as he lowered his head a little bit more.

Exasperated at Tsukasa and myself, I took multiple steps towards him. “Tsukasa-kun!” I said, my tone was a bit more pathetic and caring, holding a slight edge to it. Seeing the happy, always upbeat friend down was an awful scare; a problem I needed to see fixed. I put a hand on his shoulder, and the second I did, I felt it shaking. My eyes widened as I realized what was going on. Tsukasa was really…

I watched him bring his hands up to his face from behind, seemingly wiping away what I assumed were tears. I couldn’t help myself from hugging him from behind a little too lovingly. I put my face near his neck and my arms held his waist. “I’m here.” I whispered. At that, I heard a slight sob as I felt water drop onto my hand. He turned around and gently put himself into me. Putting his head near my neck as he kept his hands on my shoulders. I instantly cradled his head and back with both arms. He was really crying. I had never seen Tsukasa this legitimately upset before, and all I wanted to do in this moment was to make him feel better. Tsukasa snaked his arms around me and clenched the back of my sweater, making me pull him just a bit closer. He tried to keep himself quiet, as we were still outside, but I could feel his body feel the need to sob. I held his back securely. I had my other hand around his neck, resting my hand on his fluffy hair, gently running my fingers through it. He snuggled a bit closer, and I heard him sniff. As he sniffed an inhale, he exhaled a sob. It was heartbreaking to hear Tsukasa’s sobs.

“It’s okay, Tsukasa-kun. I’m here. Shh, that’s good. Take breaths.” I rested my head on his shaking shoulder, using both hands to rub his back in a circular motion. I felt his body begin to shake, and his grip on the back of my shirt tightened. He exhaled another sob, and soon it was all he was doing. He was cracking, breaking, unfolding all of it in my arms. It must’ve been too much, so much that he gave up. I held him tight, so tight I didn’t even care what was going to happen after all this was over. I felt my shirt dampen further each second, but it didn't even matter. I barely paid any attention to it. I was sure I was shaking as well as Tsukasa, and his sobbing made my eyes threaten to fill with tears as well. If it hurt this much for me, how much of a weight was this boy carrying all by himself for who knows how long? To the point he’d completely break all because I said his name in a worried tone, it was just sad.

“Shh.. It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m here, I’m here. I’m here and I love you.” I said while desperately rubbing his back. I wanted to make him feel loved and comfortable, but I was unaware of what I had just said, unaware of the fact that I said how I truly felt all because I so desperately wanted Tsukasa to feel better. As soon as I said it, I felt his grip on my shirt tighten, and it was then that I realized I had just said something possibly inappropriate. I didn’t say it again, just the same sweet and caring phrases over and over. But after I said it, I noticed he wasn’t calming down anymore, he was actually shaking a little harder. Was what I said so bad that even he couldn’t accept it? I needed to know how he felt. I needed to know why Tsukasa was so incredibly broken, why he was willing to let his emotions overflow in the middle of the street and weep in my arms. I began to try and calm myself down first. There was no way I’d be able to get Tsukasa to become calm enough to speak if I wasn’t calm myself.

“Take some breaths with me, okay? In…. Out…. Good.” I felt his chest rise with mine, and I was so incredibly relieved to see him actually trying to cooperate with my attempts.

“Good… I’m so proud of you. That’s it, nice and slow.” I said as we breathed together. I did my best to try and guide Tsukasa, as I was sure if I wasn’t here, he’d start hyperventilating due to the state he was in. After a while, I felt the blond’s body slowly relax even further. His tenseness slowly faded, and I continued to rub his back. He felt weak in my arms, and it broke my heart.

“Tsukasa-kun, do you feel okay to walk for a bit?” I asked way more gently than usual. I felt him nod against my chest. “How about you come over to my place tonight?”

“Mm.” He hummed a response, and even I could tell that his voice was rough and scratchy. He slowly pulled away from the hug, still slightly clinging onto me, or rather, the comfort. I was selfishly disappointed, as I had gotten used to his body pressed against mine so lovingly in the time that he had felt safe enough in my arms. We both had our eyes pinned to the ground as we stayed closer together than friends should. My body moved on its own, and my hand lifted and rested on Tsukasa’s jawline. I took my chances and looked up at him, straight into his eyes. I would’ve flinched if I wasn’t in control of myself because of the sight. Tsukasa with red rimmed eyes, a sad expression, slightly furrowed brows, and flushed cheeks. It was a sight I never wanted to see again. I never want to see this broken Tsukasa ever again. Not if I can help it. My hand softly slid down his jawline to his chin as I released it. I looked at his hand as I took his, forcibly but gently intertwinning my fingers with his. My thumb rubbed his hand slightly as I looked at our hands. I was sure my expression was also never seen before; my brows being slightly furrowed and my eyes slightly squinted, it was something I had no reason to hide right now. Not after Tsukasa was the most vulnerable thing just moments before.

I gulped as I looked back at Tsukasa, and tried my best to give a smile. But I was sure my expression was one of sadness, genuine care, worry, and the most shocking of all, love.

Through a slightly tilted head, slightly squinted eyes, and furrowed brows, I said, “Let’s go home, ‘kay?”

Tsukasa didn’t look at me for a moment. Didn’t react. But then, he looked me in the eyes. I watched as his eyes opened a tad wider while his pupils dilated. I saw tiny shifts in his expression all in just a few seconds, but he gave me a pathetic smile as he nodded with the most genuine look in his eyes. It was a moment I burned into my memory, a moment I could not go on living without remembering. I opened my mouth to possibly say something, but I just exhaled instead. Without further ado, I kept my hand firmly grasping his as I began walking at a more slow pace in the direction of my house.

We had started this at Tsukasa’s house. It was just a few steps down the road when I accidentally popped his bubble of bottled feelings. And after a long walk of silence with our warm hands staying combined, we made it to my house. I didn't let go of his hand as I unlocked the door. I didn’t let go of his hand as I removed mine and his shoes. I didn’t let go of his hand as I led him into my bedroom. I sat next to him on my bed, closer than I should’ve been for two guys who are just friends. I didn’t let go of his hand, something two guys who are just friends probably shouldn’t be doing. I had already done more than enough things that friends wouldn’t do. Touched his jaw and chin too possessively, hugged him so close to my body, even saying that I loved him. What I wondered was when we would ever figure out how to deal with our emotions and feelings. But all that mattered right now was making sure Tsukasa was okay.

“Tsukasa-kun…”

“Rui,” Tsukasa paused for a moment, his voice still vaguely rough.”I’m sorry for just… doing that unexpectedly.” He kept his head aimed downwards.

Apologizing? What are you apologizing for? I should be sorry I didn’t do anything sooner. You have no reason to be sorry.

“Don’t apologize. There’s no reason to.” I kept my eyes on his as he turned to look at me. “You don’t have to be sorry,” I put my hand on his head and slid it down to his cheek, “I’m glad I was there for you. I wish I could’ve done something sooner, but you didn’t do anything wrong. Not at all.” Tsukasa’s eyes were lightly widened, and his cheeks felt warmer under my touch each second. His mouth was slightly agape as he innocently looked into my eyes.

I softly smiled as I put my other hand on his cheek, unable to hold myself back any further. “Do you want to wash up and then we can chat? I have clothes you can wear.”

He almost looked like he could cry again as I brought up giving him a shower. Why did he look so distraught each time I showed affection for him? “Tsu-... kasa?” He jumped slightly.

What is going on… He’s totally in a daze.

“Sorry-” He said. I pulled his head into my chest before he could even finish or think, ruffling his hair affectionately.

“I already said don’t apologize. Jeez, let’s get you a warm shower.” Leaving no room for protest, I reluctantly let go of him and stood up to find some comfy clothes he could wear tonight. I could tell he was having inner conflict as he stayed silent the whole time. I was sure he was shocked, confused, and still slightly feeling whatever intense emotions he had on the street earlier. I placed some fluffy, navy pants with a white t-shirt into the bathroom for him. I then turned on the water and made sure it was hot. When I came back into my actual bedroom, he was still in the same position with the same expression. Oh my, I needed to get this boy a shower so he could get some sense back into his brain.

“Fufu~ what are you, six? Need me to lead you everywhere? Come on, let’s get you into the shower already.” I returned to my normal tone as much as I could, teasing slightly to try and lift the mood. I placed him in there and as I was about to close the door he stopped me.

“Ah- thanks! I’ll… see you after I’m done.” Tsukasa then closed the door. Seems he regained a slight consciousness at that moment.

—

I was worried. Extremely worried. Tsukasa had never acted this way before. I wanted to get to the bottom of this. It only gets worse though. I had done so many things that implies we should be more than friends. And worst of all, he let me do all of them. We were past the point of no return. We had both crossed over the line by many steps. After all this, we had to talk. We have to communicate everything. I was slightly dreading it, and it honestly made me nervous to think about telling him, “Yeah I said I loved you and I meant it!” It was a spur of the moment thing that I said without thinking. Am I lying when I say it? Of course not. But now we both have to face our feelings. Tsukasa can’t get away with breaking so hard in front of me and then acting like it’s nothing. I can’t get away with saying such strong words and acting like they meant nothing. It’s a win win and a lose lose.

—

As I was deep in thought, laying on my bed, I heard the bathroom door open. I turned around rather quickly to see Tsukasa wearing my clothes. I had to keep myself from blushing as I found it cute. It was easier to control myself given the situation we were in. Given I could see his eyes were still slightly red and puffed from earlier, and his face was different from his usual resting face. Showcasing a more reserved and honestly kinda sad Tsukasa. I hated it so much, It was awful to see Tsukasa this way.

“Tsukasa-kun…” I sat up. The blond made his way towards the bed while messing with the bottom of his shirt. He sat on the edge of the bed, and it worried me that he still seemed so unsure about everything. Why can’t he understand that none of us have an easy way out of this? I want him to understand that after all he’s done, I still love and care about him deeply. I don’t think it would pain me this much to take care of someone if I didn’t love them, I don’t think I’d even go this far out of my way if It wasn’t Tsukasa. We both sat still for a moment. I couldn’t take this silence anymore, I was restless and I had enough.

“Tsukasa-kun. We need to talk about everything that just happened.” I looked back up, shuffling over to where he was sitting, maintaining a bigger distance than I liked but it was what he seemed to be comfortable with right now. Tsukasa straightened up slightly.

“Yeah. This… isn’t going to be easy.” The star said while his light was blinking, threatening to dim completely.

“No, it won’t. And- I’ll even go first if It gives you the courage.” I subconsciously leaned a bit closer, showcasing my seriousness.

“Okay. Okay, let’s do that then.” He looked as if he was preparing himself. I really wished this would go well. Maybe I shouldn’t be saying this first, it could make him disgu-... No, there’s no way. I’ve got this.

It was silent for around a minute before I looked up at Tsukasa, straight in the eyes. “Tsukasa-kun, I love you.” I just spit it out. I needed to say it, needed him to know, needed him to hear it from my own mouth. Tsukasa’s demeanor shifted into one of shrinking. “There’s no one like you, I care so deeply about you. I want to protect you, keep you to myself, and most of all, I want you to be happy and smile. That’s why whatever is weighing on you, you can tell me, and I’ll help you bear that weight. I’ll help you through it. So I need you to tell me what’s going on, and I am never, ever going to judge you. Because I love you… so…”

I heard a sniff and immediately got alert. “Tsukasa-kun?!” I put a hand on his shoulder only to feel it shaking slightly. I wanted to hug him, I wanted to comfort him, but I was unsure if I was allowed to at this point. Did he love me back? Was he okay if I held him just as tight as before? Was it okay for me to show such affection?

“Rui~... I…” He sniffed multiple times. His voice was shaking and higher than usual. “I love you too.” Tsukasa said as he sobbed slightly at the last word. My expression shifted and my whole body felt strange. I pulled him into a hug, so much tighter than before.

Shaking my head slightly to the side, I repeated, “I love you, I love you, I love you.” It needed to be jammed into his brain. I petted his hair and rubbed his back at the same time. Holding Tsukasa in my arms felt different than before. It felt warmer, safer, and more comfortable. “My star, why are you crying again? It’s okay to cry of course, but I am so worried. Please, talk to me.” I kept him close, so close I could feel how tired his body was. “Here, let’s lay down and then we can talk.” I picked him up while he stayed clinged to me like a koala, holding onto my neck as his body pressed flush against my chest. He just let me as I shuffled my way up to my pillows. I laid down and I put him laying up against me. He cuddled close, having his head mostly in my armpit as his arms held my waist. My heart leaped and I could feel a possessive want to keep him to myself wash over me.

“Ready to talk now, my love?” I put my arms around him and pulled him nice and close. His eyes were closed gently, and his face looked so much better. He had a slight smile on his lips. I could still tell something was the matter, but we were going to face it together. I was going to be there every step of the way.

Tsukasa sighed slightly. “Yes, I am.” He looked up at me and his smile melted my heart. I put both my hands on his head and pet it slightly as he laid against my chest. I had to resist the urge to kiss him as I nodded. I was ready to listen.

Chapter Text

TSUKASA POV

You’d think a star like me would be able to keep in it. To be able to take it by now.

But there’s a certain someone who brings down all my walls, and crushes my ability to hold it in.

Kamishiro Rui. A boy I met in Phoenix Wonderland doing a solo show when he wasn’t supposed to. I knew then that he’d be perfect for the troupe I was looking to form.

Originally denying my request to join, I convinced him by saying that I will perform any role he gives me to "12,000% satisfaction."

He’s been with me, Nene, and Emu in WonderlandsXShowtime eversince….

A troupe mate and a close friend… The moon to my sun… I ended up falling for him.

How did I deal with these feelings? I ignored them. To continue being a star, I have to remain professional! But…

As time went on, my negative feelings just kept growing, and Rui wouldn’t stop noticing.

“A break? I can keep going.”

“I’m fine.”

“I just overslept!”

“I’m going to practice late again.”

Each excuse never helped his worry. I was sure he could tell it was deeper than some little slip up or a bad day. I was sure he knew… so why did I never reach out? I never leaned on him, never once showed any other part of me then being a perfect role model for all to admire.

It’s what I wanted. To be a star. But each star has its limits. It can’t always shine. It’ll eventually reach the end of the cycle, turning into something dim.

I’m scared. I can’t stop shining now. I can’t let my light flicker so easily.

The thing is, stars are always there…in the sky. At night, at their prime, they shine the brightest. But during the day, their light isn’t seen.

If I was to be a star, I would need to realize that. But I couldn’t. Not by myself. And that’s what led me here…

Laying in bed with a certain purple haired boy after a shower, eyes still red at the rims and hands holding around his waist.

I knew he liked me back… loved me even… He told me he’d never judge me, he’ll bear the weight of my problems with me.

But how could I burden him like that?

Is what I thought. But now? Now I realized I needed his help. As pathetic as it made me feel, I couldn’t do it by myself anymore.

—

“So… Y’know…” I laid my head down on Rui’s chest.

“No, Tsukasa,” he chuckled lightly, tone soft. “I don’t know.”

My lips tucked slightly. I knew I needed to explain myself, but who would’ve thought it would be this hard?

“Saki… she’s always had a hard time.” I was a bit quiet, and my voice was slightly rough from crying but soft from the warmth and comfort from Rui.

Rui nodded, he already knew enough about Saki to understand what I meant by that.

“My parents had to be at the hospital frequently. I was home by myself a lot. I got used to it quickly though…!” I tried to downplay it, careful to not say certain things to appear weak.

“Mmm.” Rui hummed in acknowledgement. I was sure he knew I was going to sugar coat things…

“I think I’m just a little sensitive to affection now- just kinda foreign haha…!”

Rui felt a little stiff suddenly. Even though it was just a little, it still scared me. That was the last thing I wanted…him to feel afraid to touch me just because I don’t know how to deal with it…

“Um… so today, I was crying because I just felt a sense of dread. I didn’t exactly want to go home.” My voice got a bit quieter, “to leave you…”

My words hung in the air. Rui stroked my hair gently. God, the affection itself could break down any wall I attempted to put up.

Someone who’s all talk but struggles even when they give it their all…

I felt Rui take a nice, deep breath. “I see.” He said in such a sweet tone as he kept petting my hair. My hair was still damp, and I wasn’t sure why he was even doing it if its wetness was just going to make his hands cold.

“‘Cause at home…. It’s usually quiet, and… a bit lonely.” I didn’t want to use the word lonely, but it fit just right, even if it made me feel weak.

“So, you’re telling me that you broke down sobbing in the middle of the street because you didn’t want to go home because you’d be neglected and lonely?” His tone was still inviting, but it held a bit of an edge. I wasn’t sure who it was pointed towards.

“...Yeah.”

“And that’s all?”

“...Yes.”

His hand stopped moving in my hair.

Oh. I want him to continue pet-

“You don’t have to lie to me.” My heart faltered at Rui’s words.

“You don’t have to downplay your struggles either. You’re human Tsukasa. Be the star you want to be, I know you can do it. But know that you still have limits.

I’m worried about you. I want the best for you. And if it’ll help to talk about what’s going on, I’m more than happy to hear you out. I’m more than happy to help you. All you have to do is be willing to accept that help.” Rui sat up a bit and his tone got a bit more serious.

“Love,” the nickname made my heart stutter, “I’ve never seen you so upset before. If there really is nothing else going on, good luck convincing me.” His arm on my back wrapped a little tighter, almost asking me to sit up with him.

So I did.

Sitting in front of each other on the bed, Rui held my hands.

I knew I’d need to do it. Just… now to actually do it!!

“I… you’re right.” I admitted, unable to look at him anymore. “I’m just… I’m just scared. I… want to be a star…! I don’t want to burn out so easily. I don’t want to stop having people look up to me. I don’t want to be weak… I don’t want to feel this way.” Rui’s grip on my hands tightened slightly. I couldn’t stop myself from trembling.

“I don’t want to go home and be left alone with my thoughts…! These thoughts that I know I shouldn’t be feeling… these thoughts that I don’t understand why I’m feeling them.

“I may feel…”neglected,” I almost sounded disgusted saying that, “but I also feel… awful.”

It was a bit quiet. I hadn’t looked at Rui at all, and I could feel myself getting increasingly anxious about what I had just said.

“But-” I tried to speak, but was cut off by a certain action.

Rui hugged me.

Close.

Warm.

Firm.

His touch felt precious, loving, and safe…

I couldn’t help the way my eyes teared up slightly as I lay my head on his shoulder.

“I’m proud of you.” Rui said softly, quietly.

My eyes widened, then came back down as I closed my eyes and leaned into the hug.

“Thank you for telling me. I’ll always be here for you. Each time you feel like this, I’ll be here. I don’t think you’re weak, I don’t think you’re pathetic. I think you’re you. Tsukasa Tenma. A beautiful and hard working boy who I love, and am willing to stick with through even the toughest times.” I don’t know when I even started crying again. I was sure I had no tears left to even cry, but his words just filled my heart with hurt… but most of all, love.

We hugged for a while, neither of us wanting to pull away. My tears were temporary, but my eyes had already, certainly, felt the effects of crying three times in one day.

Even though my worries and doubts didn’t just magically disappear, for once, that felt okay.

I felt okay. Right there, in Rui’s arms.

And eventually, the night would come to an end. But it would be okay because I would wake up right here with Rui by my side. Confident that the director I trusted and cared for so much would wake next to me and support me no matter what may come my way.

And then they lived happily ever after!! Yayyy ruikasa won again!!!