Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Beeping machinery - a hospital bed. Someone was stroking her hair.

Ava blinked, and there was Sara, an angel framed by a golden halo above her.

Her eyes widened. "Ava?"

Ava didn't really know what to say to that.

"Oh my god - okay, uh -" Sara said, and the hand on Ava's head moved away, and Ava frowned. A new beeping sound filled the room, and Sara’s gaze dropped back down.

"You're at the Bureau." She said softly, and her hand moved to cup her cheek. "Gary and the two agents brought you here, after - after you got shot." She stopped. "That was a week ago."

Ava blinked. A week? Who wrote the mission report? If it had been Gary -

Wait, she’d been shot?

"I'm really glad you're back, Aves." Sara said, her voice wavering, her thumb stroking Ava's cheekbone, and Ava leant as best she could into the touch. Everything seemed blurry – unfocused and yet still, like she was at the bottom of the ocean, and nothing really registered apart from Sara's touch.

A voice floated past.

"Good afternoon, Director Sharpe."

Ava turned slightly, and she could see the Bureau’s doctor. She’d see him once a year for her vaccinations since she joined – the Bureau had a thorough vaccine programme to cover all manner of historic illnesses – but she’d never had a serious injury before.

The doctor was now asking her to do inane things like follow his finger with her eyes and wiggle her toes, whilst he described the injury to her stomach. The whole time, Sara kept her hand on her thigh, her thumb rubbing up and down absent mindedly. It was like an anchor, like if she ever stopped, Ava might cease to exist and just float away into the abyss.

“What -” She croaked out, her throat like sandpaper.

“Can she have some water?” Sara asked.

"Director Sharpe should have ice chips for now." The doctor said dismissively. "I'll have the nurse bring you some."

"I'll go get them." Sara said, and, with a squeeze of her thigh, disappeared from Ava's field of view.

Ava immediately felt her heart rate tick up, and heard it on the monitors too, and she tried to sit up, but the wave of pain stopped her. Sara reappeared immediately, her hand back on her thigh. Too late – Ava could feel herself tripping towards the panic attack, something she'd become familiar with since her whole life had been ripped apart at the seams and she’d discovered she was a clone.

Sara seemed to recognise what was happening.

"Hey, Aves, I'm right here." She said softly. She placed her hand above Ava's heart, and Ava held onto it like a lifeline. "I'm right here. I'm not leaving you, okay? You can breathe with me. I'm right here."

The doctor must have left, the door clicked shut behind him, but Ava couldn't focus on anything but the sound of Sara's voice and the steady presence of her palm on her chest. She couldn't stop the sob that ripped through her chest as she fought to breathe through the tightness in her chest.

"I don't want -" Ava gasped. "Don't let them -"

"I'm not going to let them do anything you don't want." Sara said. "I'm here, I'm not leaving. I'm right here." Ava screwed her eyes tight shut as tried to find something to tether herself to. The world came back into focus, and she blinked. Sara was crying too. "I know I left, before, but that was just – that was me, being stupid, it was never you -" Her breath hitched. "I've really missed you, Aves, and you really scared me -"

"Ice chips?"

The door had opened, and the cheery voice of a nurse had floated through, and Sara looked up.

"Uh – yeah, thanks – could you put them -"

Ava almost laughed. The poor nurse probably hadn't expected to be delivering ice chips to her Director who was having a panic attack, and the fugitive Captain of a Time Ship who was crying along with her, hand pressed against her chest.

"Are you okay to have some ice?" Sara said, wiping her eyes with her sleeves, and Ava nodded. "There's a remote thingy that can help you sit up -"

The bed moved, the back tilting upwards so that Ava was now in more of a sitting position, and she looked around. The Bureau's medical centre was kitted out like a small hospital, and this room was no different – they'd put her in the private room, probably as she was the Director, which she was grateful for, and she realised then she was hooked up to oxygen through her nose and had a cannula in her hand, connected with the IV bag hung above her bed.

She turned to see Sara holding up the spoon, and Ava opened her mouth.

The cold ice chips felt amazing on her throat, so much so it overrode the indignity of being fed them with a little spoon. Now that she was sat up, Ava was also able to get a better look at Sara – she was dressed in jeans and an oversized hoodie, her hair was lank around her shoulders, and she had purple smudges under her eyes, like she hadn't slept in days.

The stayed in silence, until the ice chips had been finished, and Ava felt a tiny bit more normal.

"I'm sorry -" Ava started, her gaze dropping to her lap.

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I'm sorry I scared you."

"I'll forgive you."

"Sara..." Ava swallowed. "You don't have to – you don't have to be here. I'm okay, if you leave, I won't -" She trailed off. Maybe she would have a panic attack again, but three days ago she'd had a panic attack when she saw a recipe for snicker-doodles, so it seemed likely it would happen either way. "I know we're not... together."

"I don't have to stay." Sara said softly. "But I'll call someone else – you shouldn't have to be alone."

That was it, wasn't it. She was alone.

Ava swallowed.

"I should – I should text Gary. He's the one who called me." Sara said and pulled her phone from her pocket. "He wanted to stay with you too, but they only let one person in the room."

"Oh, right." Ava said softly.

"Uh – before I do, maybe I should say -" Sara bit her lip. "I am technically under arrest."

"What?"

"When you first came in – it was bad, Aves, really bad, you needed emergency surgery and - and I may have – uh – I may have threatened the doctor with a knife." Sara said, looking rather sheepish, her cheeks pink. It was almost novel. "I wanted to bring you onto the Waverider so Gideon could fix you."

"Time Bureau employees aren't allowed to use future technology for their own benefit." Ava said, parroting a line from the Time Bureau handbook that all agents memorised in their first week.

"He said that too." Sara said softly. "It was – close, but you stabilised in surgery, and then some Bureau agents put me under arrest. Gary is the one who convinced them to hold off throwing me in the cells so I could stay with you."

"Oh, well..." Ava wasn't really sure what to say. "We'll have to hold a hearing -"

"At least leave the bureaucracy until you're feeling better, okay?" Sara said softly, a half-smile on her face, and Ava couldn't help but smile back.

///

Sara helped her finish some more ice chips, until they were interrupted by a loud crashing sound outside, and Ava turned to see the door fly open, and Gary stumbled in, where he took one look at her and burst into tears.

After spending the best part of an hour to get to calm Gary down, Ava was able to lay out to him what he needed to do to get the temporary new director up to speed. Giving him a task seemed to distract Gary from sobbing over Ava's near-death experience, and he left with a salute and a solemn promise that she wouldn't have to worry about anything whilst she was healing.

Ava blew out a breath, and Sara squeezed her hand.

"I can see why you wanted me over Gary, I think he cried more than you did." Sara said, and Ava couldn't help but smile.

"Well, he's also cried like that at a few episodes of Star Trek, I don't feel special." Ava said, then sighed. "Do you think – do you think they'll let me go home soon?"

"Ava – you were just in a coma for a week; you need to rest."

"I'll rest better in my own house."

Sara looked at her. "Well… I can go and ask the doctor? Sans knife this time."

The doctor seemed reticent to let her go, but Ava pulled rank, stubborn to a fault, and he eventually rescinded, but on one condition - she had to stay one more night and prove she would be okay without the oxygen and IV pain medication.

"After surgery as major as yours, you can develop side effects. Blood clots, breathing difficulties …" He said, tapping her chart with his pen. "When you go home tomorrow, you'll need someone with you 24/7. You also shouldn't over-exert yourself, so you'll need someone to help -"

"I can." Sara said, interrupting him. "I can go - and then, uh - I'll turn myself back in. Promise."

"Director?"

Ava looked up at her. "Sara, you don't have to -"

"I want to." She said, and gave Ava a soft smile.

Ava looked at her lap. It said something about her life that the only person who she would ever consider asking to do this was her ex-girlfriend. Then again, she'd only really been alive a few months at most, so even having an ex-girlfriend was a real achievement.

"Captain Lance can help me." Ava said, looking up at the doctor. "I will also ensure she turns herself in afterwards."

The doctor looked between them curiously and then started to explain to Sara about the medication Ava would take, how often her bandages needed to be changed and what complications to look out for. Ava mostly thought about how nice it would be to lay in her own bed and maybe watch that documentary about whales she'd been saving for a rainy day.

Just after she spent one more night in the Bureau.

Ava jolted back to reality when the doctor disconnected the oxygen line from her nose. After a second to check she could breathe, the doctor nodded and assured her he'd be back in the morning. With that, he left, and she was alone with Sara again.

"I can go get a bag from your apartment, if you want." Sara said softly. "Do you want some pyjamas?"

"Uh - yeah, sure." Ava said. "My courier should have my co-ordinates on it -"

"Oh, I know where you live." Sara hummed, then looked up, and she must have seen Ava's slightly alarmed expression, and backtracked. "Uh - no, not in a weird way - Gary texted it to me, when - uh - back when we were together."

"Why?"

"I may have been planning to surprise you with breakfast one day." Sara said, a soft smile on her face, and Ava felt her heart flip-flop. "Do you want anything else?"

"I don't think so." Ava said.

"Do you want me to get Gary to hang out with you?"

"No - uh - I'm okay now. Thank you." Ava said. Having a panic attack at the thought of her ex-girlfriend leaving her was so embarrassing she was almost certain she wasn't going to admit that she might have another one. Sara nodded, gave her hand a squeeze, and left, the portal opening into Ava's kitchen and fizzling shut behind her.

Ava dropped her head back on the pillow.

She was pretty sure she was meant to speak to the Secretary of State at some point in the last week. Hopefully Gary hadn't been the one to take the call. She still didn't know who'd written the mission report, or if they'd even retrieved the Mona Lisa.

It was meant to be an easy anachronism, a level one. The Mona Lisa had been displaced in 1920s Chicago, and Ava had agreed to go with Gary and two junior agents to retrieve it.

Really, she'd needed the distraction. She'd discovered she was a clone, broken up with Sara again after she had told her she loved her and then helped the Legends defeat Mallus in the Wild West, all within a week, and it had left her with so much nervous energy she'd spent every waking moment since then cleaning her apartment. She was nearly at the point of knocking on her neighbour's doors and asking if she could clean their houses, so a mission was sorely needed.

Through the hospital gown, she could feel the gauze covering her stitches, and she traced around the edge with her finger. The haze of medication had effectively removed any pain she could feel, but it was still there. It seemed her mind had blotted out the memory of actually being shot – she could remember it in frames – the gangster, the sound of bullets, the smell of whiskey, looking down and seeing blood leaking through her fingers – then nothing.

The portal fizzled open, and Sara jumped through, a bag in hand, and Ava looked up.

"Hey!" She said. "Uh - I had to go through your drawers, but I found some pyjamas."

"Thank you." Ava said, as Sara held out a button up shirt and trousers. She swallowed.

"Do you want me to help you get dressed?"

Ava bit her lip. It wasn't as if Sara hadn't already seen her naked, but a flash of skin in the throes of having sex seemed very different to Sara helping to dress her.

"I guess you're going to have to help me over the next few days anyway." Ava muttered. She hadn’t really thought about it before now, but she would need Sara’s help to do almost anything.

Sara looked at her apologetically, and moved the blankets from over her legs, before she helped her turn so her legs dangled off the bed. The movement pulled at the edges of the wound and made her wince.

"I guess I have to-" Sara swallowed. "I'm going to untie the gown."

Her fingers were warm against her back, deft fingers pulling at each tie one by one, and Ava suppressed a shiver. They managed to get the pyjamas on without incident, and when Sara had finished buttoning up the shirt, she helped Ava lay back on the bed.

"Do you want to get some sleep?" Sara said softly, and Ava nodded. It was almost embarrassing how exhausted she was after just getting into her pyjamas. "I can stay the night, if you want."

"You don't have to -"

"I can -"

"Sara, you deserve to sleep in a real bed." Ava said softly. "And I'm very surprised the Legends have stayed quiet for this long, don't you need to check on them?"

"They're still in Aruba." Sara said. "But - you're right, I've no idea how high they ran the bar tab -"

Ava couldn't help but smile, and looked up at Sara, who tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

"I'll be back in the morning." She said softly. "You can call me anytime, okay?"

Sara bent down and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Ava froze, and Sara seemed to remember at that moment that they were actually broken up.

"Sorry, uh - force of habit - uh - I'll see you later, okay?"

Before Ava could reply, the portal had already fizzled shut behind Sara, leaving Ava alone, her heart all a flutter.

///

Between the ambient lighting, constant beeping, and the nagging feeling that she shouldn't be in her pyjamas at work, Ava had slept terribly, and she awoke to find Sara sat next to her, a frown on her face, looking at a crossword puzzle. She'd pulled her hair into a ponytail, and was dressed in a white long-sleeved shirt, and she bit her lip as she considered her answer.

"Sara?" She croaked.

Sara jolted, and the puzzle was abandoned. "Ava! Hey, you're awake! How are you feeling?"

"Shit." Ava mumbled. "I want to go home."

"I'll go get the doctor." Sara said softly.

After a breakfast of porridge, which was terrible – just like all food from the Bureau cafeteria – and another barrage of tests, which required her to sit for an hour without the IV pain medication, the doctor finally relented and said she could leave, providing she could stand for enough time to walk through a portal.

"Can I help her?" Sara said. She'd been diligently by her side throughout everything, distracting Ava by getting her to help with the crossword answers, and even held her hand when they took the cannula out.

The doctor shrugged, and Sara moved to stand at the side of the bed. "Are you okay to do this?"

"Yes." Ava mumbled. The pain in her stomach had grown in intensity since the IV have been removed, and any movement sent a flare up through her chest, but she was tired and desperate for some peace and quiet, so she grit her teeth, swung her legs off the bed, and pushed herself up to standing.

The pain was immediate, like lightning through her middle, and she stumbled, but Sara caught her, and she held both her arms. Ava took a breath and slowly blew it out. She focused on Sara, on the blue of her eyes and the freckles on her cheeks, as they held onto each other.

"Are you okay?" Sara asked softly, and Ava nodded.

"Yes." She said and took another breath. "I'm going home now."

No one seemed to want to argue with her, and, with all the strength she could summon, Ava let go of Sara's arms. Sara opened a portal, and Ava shuffled towards it until she stepped through into her bedroom, Sara following as the portal fizzled shut behind her.

After the ordeal that was getting back into her own bed, Ava spent most of the day half asleep, as the whale documentary played on the TV, and by the early evening, she felt a little more human, and she blinked awake to see Sara was sat on the bed next to her.

"What did I miss?" Ava mumbled, and Sara looked down at her.

"Did you know beluga whales are called the canaries of the sea? They sing!" She said, a soft smile on her face. "That's so cool. Laurel would have loved that."

"That is cool." Ava mumbled, still not fully alert, as she slowly blinked awake.

"Do you want to eat?" Sara said. "I don't think you have anything in your fridge apart from a bottle of wine and like, a really gross grapefruit."

Ava sighed. "I was saving that -"

"Sorry, Aves, I had to toss it." Sara said. "Does your stance on not using future technology for personal gain extend to the food fabricator?"

"Oh, could I have some french toast?" Ava said hopefully, more awake now. She really had missed the food fabricator - an unexpected perk of dating a Legend was immediate and delicious food whenever she wanted, including some particularly delicious french toast.

Sara let out a laugh. "Sure, but this sounds like personal gain to me."

Ava leant over as best she could to swat at Sara's leg rather weakly. "You're meant to be looking after me -"

"Okay, Director, one plate of french toast, coming right up." Sara said, giving her smile and a mock salute, before disappearing from her view, and portalling away to the Waverider.

Ava stared up at the ceiling. If it wasn't for the pain, she could almost believe this was a dream. Sara, in her apartment, watching a documentary with her and bringing her french toast.

But clones didn't get those sorts of dreams. Love wasn't possible for people who weren't real, who's memories had been implanted, who could die and be replaced eleven times and have no one notice.

She heard the portal fizzle open.

“Okay, two plates of french toast -” Sara said, balancing one of the plates preciously on her arm, as she closed the portal behind her. “Wait, I'll help you sit up -”

"No, I can -" Ava muttered, and tried to shuffle into a sitting position as the burning pain intensified.

Sara set the plates on the nightstand and climbed onto the bed, a soft smile on her face. "Ava, you fucked up like, all your stomach muscles. You're going to need help sitting up."

“I don’t need -” Ava huffed, and bit her lip. The pain was getting worse -

“It’s okay. I’m here to help, remember?” Sara said.

Ava nodded, mute now, and let Sara wrap her arms around her to gently pull her into a sitting position, then set up the pillows so she wouldn’t fall back down again. It was tender, more tenderness than she deserved from the woman who’s heart she’d thoroughly broken. Why was Sara doing this? Why did she still care about her, now that they both knew she’d never been a real person? Sara looked at her as she knelt on the bed, and Ava realised she was crying when Sara moved her hand up and cradled her cheek, using her thumb to wipe away the tears.

"I'm sorry it hurts, Aves." She said softly, and Ava nodded, as if that was why she was crying. "I – uh – I cut up the toast for you."

They ate in near silence, having settled on watching a documentary about the migration of northern European birds, and Ava realised she'd stopped crying when they got to the Arctic Tern, even if it hurt like hell every time she raised her fork to her mouth to eat. The sky darkened outside, and by the time they'd finished, she could see the streaks of yellow and pink out of the window from the setting sun.

"I should - I should go check on the Legends." Sara said, as she extracted herself from the bed. "Then - I can come back and sleep on the couch?"

Ava nodded, even if every part of her wanted for Sara to sleep next to her, to hold her hand and help her feel normal for one night, but - they weren't together. Sara was only doing this because Ava was alone.

At least this time the portal had fizzled shut behind Sara when she started to cry.

///

Nestled behind the crates, Ava hid, her hand on her gun. The warehouse was dark, lit only by the early evening light that filtered through the holes in the roof, and it smelt terrible, mildew and cheap whiskey. Ava frowned. She was going to have to get her suit dry cleaned to get the smell out – not to mention this environment was terrible for the Mona Lisa.

She crept forward and turned, when the evening was suddenly interrupted by the deafening pop of gunshots, and she didn’t have time to raise her gun before the gangster with the tommy gun had fired – splinters from the crates and glass from the bottles flew everywhere, and Ava felt something hot and wet on her shirt, and she looked down to see blood blooming across the fabric.

Ava looked up, and the gangster was gone.

She stumbled back, her hands coming up to hold her guts in.

Everything seemed too quiet.

She thought about Sara as she fell to her knees, she thought about how she’d tipped her cowboy hat and rode off into the sunset and left Ava with a whole mess of feelings and paperwork to sort through. They hadn’t really talked since. They'd been texting – just a little. Sara had sent her a selfie. Ava hadn’t been brave enough to send one back.

There was no merciful loss of consciousness, Ava just knelt there, pressing to keep her insides on the inside, her breathing shallow, blood filling her mouth.

Blood dribbled down her chin.

What a horrible place to die; a bootlegging warehouse in Chicago, all alone and surrounded by cheap booze stacked high in crates.

Ava tried to cry out, but only blood came, and the world was blurring at the edges. She wanted to cry, she wanted to sob at the injustice of it all, but she wasn't really sure she had the strength.

Where had all the other versions of her died?

Would she be buried with them?

"Ava!"

///

"Ava?"

Ava groaned and tried to roll over before quickly being reminded she'd had major surgery the previous week. Someone was stroking her hair.

"Aves? You're okay, I'm here." A soft voice said.

She blinked awake to see Sara looking down at her. How late was it? Sunlight was streaming through the window, and Sara was dressed, wearing a dark shirt, her hair in a ponytail.

"Sara? What -" Ava mumbled. Was this a different dream?

"You had a nightmare, I think. You were crying in your sleep." Sara said, and she bit her lip.

Ava fought the urge to press her face into her pillow. How many more times would she embarrass herself in front of Sara?

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sara asked softly. Ava swallowed.

“It’s okay – I – uh – I remembered. I remembered when I got shot.”

“Ava -”

“It’s okay.” Ava interrupted. She didn’t want to talk about it. If she talked about it, it would feel more real, and that was something she couldn’t deal with yet. “What time is it?”

"11AM - I made you breakfast." Sara said. "You okay with grapefruit?" Ava perked up slightly and nodded. "Okay - I kind of guessed on how to do it, I just cut it in half and got a spoon -"

"Gideon didn't do it for you?" Ava said, as Sara helped guide her to an upright position.

"Uh, no - I got groceries delivered." Sara said. "I figured you could do with some food in your fridge."

"Oh." Ava started. She’d done the grocery shopping for her. That seemed so domestic - "Sara - you don't have to do this."

"Do what?" Sara passed her the bowl, and Ava looked down at the shiny flesh of the grapefruit.

"I know we're not together." Ava said quietly. She didn't look up from the grapefruit. She didn't want to see the look on Sara's face.

"I brought sugar, too, if you want it"

Ava looked up. "Sara -"

"I know, I know we're not together." Sara met her gaze. "You got shot, Ava. You nearly died. I saw you -" Her breath hitched. "I saw you after your surgery - and I know how much it sucks to get shot, and I've done it alone, and I don't want you to go through that. Not in your own."

Ava sniffled, desperate not to cry, not again. She hated seeing Sara upset.

"I still care about you, Aves." Sara said softly. "What's happened - it doesn't change that."

They ate their grapefruit in silence. There seemed nothing left to say.

Once they’d finished breakfast, Sara took her bowl. “Do you need anything?” She asked softly.

"Can you bring me my laptop?" Ava asked hopefully.

"Sure, uh – where -"

"At the Bureau." Ava said, and tried to keep her tone casual. She needed a distraction, really needed one, and work was the only distraction she'd been programmed with.

Sara looked at her. "You need to rest -"

"It's just budget spreadsheets -"

"It's still not resting -" Sara said, her expression morphing into a frown.

"I don't think whatever Rip put in my head allows me to rest." Ava said, and she couldn't keep the sadness from her voice. "I haven't – there hasn't been a day I haven't been at the Bureau since I started there. Now I know why."

"Aves..." Sara trailed off. "You're not just what he made you."

"I'm only what he made me. I have no memories, no friends, no family. Everything I thought I was, I thought I am – it was washed away. But I'm still the Director of the Bureau. I can still work." Ava said, the words spilling out of her that had been pent up since she’d discovered the truth about herself. These thoughts had already consumed every waking moment, but saying it out loud to Sara felt like a terrible confession.

Sara looked at her. "I know that's not true."

"No, you want it to be true, because if you'd had sex with a robot -" Ava said, the anger in her voice rising.

"You're not a robot." Sara countered.

"I might as well be -"

"Ava -"

"I might as well be." Ava spat. "Because if I had died in that warehouse, you would still be talking to me. A new me. An identical one. I would be dead and no one would know."

"I would know."

"Sara, you're - you're being stubborn, you wouldn't -"

"I would -"

"You don't have that kind of perception -" Ava started, but she was interrupted.

"I would know, because I know you, I love you, I know who you are -" Sara stopped herself, and a terrible silence filled the room.

"Sara -"

"I should - I should go." Sara mumbled, and she took the bowls, and left.

///

Maybe it was okay to spiral, just a little. She had been shot, after all.

Maybe everything Ava had tried to repress since she’d found out about who she was, everything that had come to surface in excessively cleaning her house and barely leaving the Bureau and trying not to think about Sara had finally caught up to her – here, in the quiet of her bedroom, a hole in her stomach. The stillness had seemed to invite it – it invited other things too, other feelings, around the woman who’d kissed her and said she loved her even when everything had been laid bare in front of her.

Sara had said she'd loved her. She still loved her, even after -

Her spiral was interrupted by a knock on the doorframe, and Ava looked up.

Sara was stood in the doorway, hands in the back pocket of her jeans.

"I think we should change your bandage." She said softly.

Ava swallowed. "Do you think so?"

"The doctor said it needs changing every 24 hours."

Maybe when Sara unbuttoned her pyjamas and pulled open the gauze, she'd see the metal and the wires, and finally believe she wasn't real, and give up on doing nice shit for her like buying her a beautiful grapefruit and telling her that she loved her.

Sara reappeared with the first aid kit. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah." Ava mumbled, and unbuttoned her shirt, just enough to reveal the bandages. Sara gently pulled away the gauze, and Ava didn't miss her sharp inhale of breath. "Is it bad?"

"Yeah, baby, you're all sewn up." Sara said in a strangled whisper, and when she met her gaze, Ava could see tears in her eyes. "I'm going to - I have to clean it. It's going to sting, I'm sorry -"

It did sting, it hurt like a bitch, but Ava's mind was stuck on one word. She studied her features as she used the alcohol wipe to gently clean the wound, but they betrayed nothing, all trace of the tears gone, she just scrunched her brow in concentration, her mouth set in a hard line. When she was done, she re-applied the gauze, her fingers impossibly gentle on the stitches.

"All done." Sara said, and looked up at her with a soft smile, and Ava realised then, like lightning through her heart, she would probably never love anyone as much as she loved Captain Sara Lance.

Sara seemed to take her stunned silence for pain and reached over to hold her hand. "Hey, we should – well, uh, I know you can't do much – maybe we could play a board game? Or watch another documentary? I think there's one about -"

The tears came then, even of Ava was desperate to stop crying at every little thing, but Sara didn't seem to mind, she just pressed a kiss to her forehead, then let Ava fall forward slightly into her arms, and gently rubbed her back as Ava sobbed into Sara's shirt.

"I'm sorry, you can't have any more pain medication for like, two hours."

Her stomach did hurt, but that pain was bearable. What was unbearable was knowing she had ruined the best thing she'd ever had -

But Sara hadn't left.

Sara had said she still loved her.

It seemed too big to comprehend, too big to think about, and all Ava could do was sob into Sara’s shirt and hold her like a lifeline.

///

They spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, a scrabble board between them, precariously propped on the blanket, half playing, half watching a documentary about Ancient Mesopotamia. It was a strange kind of peace between them, as Ava resolutely refused to talk about anything they’d talked about before, and Sara didn’t seem to want to push either.

Sara sat back, a smug expression on her face, and Ava frowned.

"Euphrates? You've just seen that on the TV -" She pointed at the tiles, and Sara shrugged.

"That's allowed!"

"Well maybe, but it's also a place name, and that's definitely not allowed -

"Uh, they are in the Legends rules."

Ava raised an eyebrow. "You have rules?"

"When we play scrabble, we do." Sara said, a grin on her face, and Ava couldn’t help but smile, just a little.

"What are they?"

"Swear words are allowed. Place names and real names are too. Really any word, except ones Mick uses because he makes a lot of them up." Sara said.

"Mick plays scrabble?"

"He's the reigning champion." Sara said. "No one really wants to play against him, he's too good."

"Oh, really?" Ava said. "Call me, next time you're playing. I think I can beat him."

Sara just laughed. "Okay, but don't be upset if everyone bets against you."

Ava rolled her eyes, and played her next word – 'extant', playing off of the 'E' in 'Euphrates’ - she smiled to herself, secretly thrilled she’d manage to use her ‘x’ for a double word score.

Sara raised an eyebrow. "You're letting me keep it?"

"Well – sometimes you have to play by the Legends rules." Ava said softly. She looked up, and their eyes met, and Ava quickly looked back down at the board. They weren’t talking about it – they weren’t talking about it -

Sara played 'pair’, and Ava countered with 'chaos.' As she picked her new tiles, she frowned. A ‘J’? Hadn’t her week been terrible enough? When she looked back at the board, she saw what Sara had played.

"Chaos-ier?" Ava said, a little outraged. "Okay, you have to use that in a sentence -"

"Okay, when the Legends show up on a mission, it becomes chaosier." Sara said with a grin, and Ava got it – she was trying to make her laugh. "That's another Legends rule – whatever the Captain says is right."

"Oh, yeah, any special rules for the Director of the Time Bureau?" Ava said, playing along, and Sara’s smile widened.

"No way, you have to play by the dictionary, that's what the Time Bureau does."

"Can I be an honorary Legend? Just for today?" Ava said. "I'm not the Director of anything until I get back to work."

"Oh, so you didn't need to check your emails?" Sara said but seemed to immediately regret it when Ava’s smile dropped. "Ava -"

"No, you're right, I -" Ava swallowed. Maybe they were talking about it. "I guess I have to learn to be a real person in the world now, and that means I can't just be my job – but – it's not -” Her breath hitched - but she couldn’t cry again -

“Hey, it’s okay. It doesn’t have to come all at once.” Sara said softly. “I’m here, okay? We all are – the Legends – and we can be here as you figure it out-” She reached over to hold her hand, but the movement finally toppled the board, and all the titles slid off onto the covers.

There was a moment of silence, and Ava started to laugh.

“I guess that’s how you end the game?” Sara said, a soft smile on her face. “Who won?”

“You have to let me win; I got shot.” Ava said softly, and Sara squeezed her hand.

“Okay, fine. But just this once.”

After they’d scooped up all the titles, they ate dinner in bed, and Ava was thrilled to find that Gideon could make a grilled cheese and tomato soup that was possibly even better than the french toast. Sara stayed by her side as the night drew closer, and Ava could barely keep her eyes open when she finally started to move off the bed.

"You can stay." Ava said, her voice soft, and she blinked to see Sara next to her. "I think – I think I'd prefer it."

"Uh – yeah, okay." Sara said, and she seemed a little taken aback.

Ava swallowed. They hadn't shared a bed since -

"If that's okay with you -" She started, but Sara interrupted her.

"Well, I mean, your couch isn't that great -"

"I meant if you wanted to go back to the Waverider." Ava said, then dropped her gaze to the bedsheets. Maybe she’d pushed it too far, asked for too much. Maybe Sara would finally give up on her and leave.

"I'm okay to stay here, Aves." Sara said softly. “I’m going to shower, and then I’ll be right back, okay?”

By the time she had finished, Ava was so drowsy she barely opened her eyes when Sara pulled the covers gently and slid underneath. Before sleep fully took her, she was almost sure she felt Sara press a kiss against her shoulder.

///

Ava blinked awake to the dawn light filtering through the curtains.

Sara was cuddling her, arms wrapped around her, carefully avoiding the bandage.

It was a strange thing, like a secret.

Ava wondered how many people had ever seen that side of Sara. She normally awoke before Ava, but Ava had woken up once or twice in the night to find Sara so closely intertwined with her there was nothing between them. Sara never mentioned it in the morning, and Ava had never brought it up. Sara moved, and snuggled even closer, pressing her nose into her shoulder, and Ava felt her breathing even out.

Maybe John Constantine was right, even if Ava would never admit it out loud. Maybe loving Sara was worth getting your heart broken for.

Before she could think about the enormity of it all, Ava fell back asleep.

She blinked awake for the second time.

"Gary?" Ava mumbled. That wasn’t who she’d expected to wake up to.

"Yeah – uh – Sara called, something on the Waverider exploded, she had to go." Gary said. He’d moved a chair next to the bed to sit on, and for that Ava was grateful – the empty space next to her seemed reserved for Sara and Sara alone. Gary held up two shopping bags. "I brought snacks!"

“What time is it?” Ava yawned.

“Nearly mid-day – but Sara said you’ve been sleeping a lot?”

"Oh, right - " Ava swallowed. "You – you don't have to stay, I don't need babysitting -" She said, but Gary cut in.

"Nope, Sara explicitly said you shouldn't be left alone - also, I figured you'd want an update about the Bureau."

"Yes, please, Sara hasn't let me have my laptop." Ava sighed. “Did you bring coffee?”

Gary had brought coffee, and he’d actually remembered how she liked it – double shot, oat milk, two pumps of caramel – along with a bagel with cream cheese. Eating seemed to be easier today, and it didn’t hurt as much every time she swallowed.

"When I got here – Sara met me, and she threatened to throw me off the Waverider if let you do any work!" Gary said. "She's very protective."

"I think she feels guilty – about the breakup." Ava bit her lip. "It didn't help it happened right before the clone thing."

She'd taken Gary aside one morning and explained it to him, because he was probably going to find out eventually, until Gary had confessed that Ray had never flashed him, just had an earnest talk about how he could support Ava through this. It was still awkward, and he hadn't stopped looking at her like she was a lost puppy since he found out, but Ava was willing to look past it. She had been handling it terribly; she could hardly dictate how he handed it.

"I don't think it's guilt." Gary said. "I think she really cares about you."

"She did - she did say she loved me." Ava said softly. It felt like a secret still, something that shouldn’t be spoken aloud.

"What!" Gary gasped, eyes wide.

"It's not - we were having an argument, and it kind of slipped out! It's not like she really meant it -"

“Well - when you were in the coma, she didn’t leave your side.” Gary said, as he offered her an oreo. “Like, really didn’t leave your side. In the end, Mick portalled in, threw her over his shoulder and made her take a shower and eat something that didn’t come from a vending machine.”

Ava dropped her gaze. “Was she – was she okay? When I was ... out?”

“I think you should talk to her about it.” Gary said quietly. “But it wasn’t - it wasn’t easy. You were really injured.”

Ava swallowed. “She said – she attacked Doctor Jens.”

“It was on instinct, I think.” Gary said. “She didn’t want to hurt him. She nearly got shot – every agent in the room drew their gun. It was touch and go for you, but you stabilised, and Sara let herself be arrested rather than be thrown out.”

Ava dropped her head back onto her headboard. “I should – I should talk to her about this.” She said softly. Gary held out the sleeve of cookies, and Ava took one.

“Do you want to hear about the Bureau? Because I think Agent Skye and Agent Simmons have definitely started dating -”

Grateful he’d changed the subject, Ava nodded along and let herself focus on the silly gossip for a bit.

///

Ava yawned and turned to see Sara was back where she was supposed to be, sat on the bed next to her. She must have fallen asleep at some point.

“Hey.” Sara said softly. “Sorry, I – uh – I didn’t want to wake you.”

“It’s okay.” Ava mumbled. “Are you back?”

“Yeah, I’m back. The explosion was minor; and Gary had to get back to work.” Sara said, her face soft. “How are you?”

“Uh - yeah. I’m feeling okay.” Ava blinked. “My mouth feels terrible though, I ate far too many cookies with Gary.” Sara had helped her brush her teeth the previous night into a cup, but Ava was determined to do it over the sink tonight. “I think I might like to shower tonight.”

“Sure - yeah – can you stand for that long?”

“I’m not sure I’m able to get in and out of the bath either.” Ava said, and Sara let out a laugh.

In the end, Sara left to borrow a stool from the Waverider to set it in the shower, and Ava was left to consider the life circumstances that had led to her about to have the least sexy shower of her life with her ex-girlfriend who she was definitely still in love with.

“Are you ready?” Sara reappeared. “I don’t know if you’re going to fit, with all your legs -”

“You have to be nice to me, I got shot.” Ava grumbled, but let Sara help her remove the blankets and stand up.

After getting undressed – something she’d gotten used to Sara helping with – Sara helped her into the shower. The hot water felt incredible as it ran over the sore muscles in her back, and Ava was grateful she’d chosen this apartment mostly based on the incredible water pressure. She remembered then that a different Ava must have chosen it – probably the first Ava, because she could remember getting a fancy new job at the Time Bureau and deciding she deserved a nice apartment with excellent water pressure.

Ava jumped slightly when she felt Sara run her fingers through her hair.

“Sorry - I – uh – I figured you would need help, with the shampoo and stuff.” Sara said softly, and Ava could only nod.

Between the hot water and Sara gentle fingers, Ava felt like she could relax for the first time since she’d woken up. The pain from her stomach had also settled to a dull ache, not any worse than the countless injuries she’d had before. She shut her eyes and couldn’t help the hum that escaped her lips.

“Hey, don’t go all floppy on me.” Sara said, laughter in her voice, and Ava opened her eyes.

“What?”

“You can’t relax too much; you’ll fall off the stool.” Sara said gently. “I’ve still got to wash out the conditioner.”

“Fine.” Ava sighed. “Talk to me then – keep me awake.”

“Well - do you want to know what exploded on the Waverider?”

“I said keep me awake, not raise my blood pressure.”

“It’s a funny story, I promise!” Sara laughed and scratched her nails on the top of her scalp. Ava almost purred.

“Okay.” She said softly. “Tell me about the explosion.”

Once she was clean, Sara helped her stand. She held up the towel and looked away.

“You can look, it’s okay.” Ava said softly. “I trust you – but I don’t trust you to help me without looking.”

Sara looked at her, and bit her lip. Her gaze was fixated on her stomach, as the angry mess of stitches there. They’d had to take the gauze off for the shower.

“It doesn’t hurt – not that much – the medication made sure of that.” Ava said softly. “You won’t hurt me.”

“It still looks sore.” Sara said, but she stepped forward anyway, and helped Ava get dry. They reapplied the gauze, and soon Ava was lying in bed, in clean pyjamas, so drowsy she could barely keep her eyes open.

Sara slipped in bed next to her. “Is this okay?” She said softly, as she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

Ava nodded. There was more she wanted to say, about how it was quite probably how she wanted to spend the rest of her life, but she didn’t trust her sleep addled brain to do her thoughts justice, so all she could do was reach for Sara’s hand, and fall asleep clutching it in her own.

///

After they ate breakfast the next morning – oatmeal, something Sara knew how to make without the fabricator – Sara checked her bandage.

“I think your stitches are ready to come out.” She said softly. “I assume you’ll have to do that at the Bureau?”

Ava nodded. “You can tell that?”

“I lived a life before I had the med-bay, Aves.” Sara said, then stuck out her hand to help Ava stand up.

After Sara had helped her get dressed, as Ava refused to be in her pajamas at work for a second time, they portalled to the Bureau’s medical bay, but they emerged into the main medical room – a room with two rows of beds, some surrounded by curtains and medical equipment. Before Ava could ask for what she needed, a group of agents filled the room, guns all drawn on Sara.

“Woah, hey – we don’t need this.” Ava waved her hands. “Captain Lance is here with me. We came to speak to Doctor Jens.”

The Doctor poked his head out of his office. “Director Sharpe?”

“Yes, Doctor -”

“Captain Sara Lance is under arrest -” Agent Blake spoke up, and Ava held up her hand.

“Captain Lance is here with me, okay? Doctor Jens – I think I need my stitches out.”

“I can check.” Doctor Jens said, but none of the agents lowered their guns.

Sara stepped in front of Ava, her hands up. “You can handcuff me, okay? But I’m staying.”

“Do you have any weapons on you?” Agent Blake said, and Sara shook her head.

“No - uh – actually I do have -” Sara slowly reached down to her ankle and pulled out a pocketknife. “Okay, that’s -” She stopped, and reached for her waistband. A second knife was dropped onto a nearby table. Then, she reached behind her ear, and pulled out a single blade. “That’s all of them. I think.” Sara bit her lip, and Ava tried as hard as she could to hide her smile. Only Sara would forget exactly how many knives she’d stashed about her person.

Another agent darted forwards and confiscated the knives, and Sara pouted.

“Can we go to the private room, please?” Ava said. She hadn’t stood for this long in a while, and she was starting to feel a little weak at the knees. Once they made it there, Sara opened the door for her, and Ava sat on the bed. The troop of agents followed her into the room.

“Can I have some privacy?” Ava said, and no one moved. She sighed. “If you insist on handcuffing Captain Lance, go ahead.” The closest agent nodded, and Sara held out both her hands, but the agent chose instead to handcuff Sara’s hand to the bed. “Now, can everyone who isn’t a medical professional please leave?”

The agents looked at each other, and slowly filtered out of the room, and they were finally alone again. Ava looked down at Sara’s handcuffed hand.

“I think I had a dream like this once.” Ava said, and couldn’t help but smile at Sara’s wide eyes, but before Sara could reply, the nurse entered.

The nurse did a double take when she saw Sara was handcuffed to the bed, but didn’t mention it, just spoke to Ava about any complications or pain she was having whilst Ava lifted her shirt, and she cleaned the area with an alcohol wipe. Ava had gotten used to answering inane questions, and it mostly washed over her. She only looked up when Sara moved to hold her hand.

“I’m going to use a numbing gel, but it will still hurt.” The nurse warned, and Sara squeezed her hand.

The sensation of the stitches being removed was unpleasant, and the numbing gel did little to help, so all Ava could do was hold onto Sara’s hand like a lifeline and try her best not to cry. When she had finished, Ava looked down to see the red line, wobbly and twisted, slicing her stomach in two.

She’d never had a scar before. Maybe other Ava’s had – but she hadn’t, and Ava felt strangely proud of it. When the nurse left, Ava turned to Sara. “It’s my first one.”

“Scar?” Sara said and looked at it. “It’s pretty gnarly, for your first one – but – it's a good reminder. A reminder that you survived something big.”

“Is that how you feel about yours?” Ava said.

“Yeah, I guess.” Sara said. “I should – Gideon makes this balm, I guess. Mine hurt when it’s cold, and the balm helps. I’ll have her make some for you.”

“Thank you.” Ava said softly. “Do you think we can get out of here?”

Sara lifted her arm, the handcuffs clanging.

“I think I need the keys?”

Ava snorted. “You don’t need the keys -”

“Yeah, but if I break out, your minions will get mad at me.” Sara said, a grin on her face.

Before too long, the nurse came back with some further pain medication – less strong than what she was previously allowed – and a long list of things she couldn’t do for the next few weeks, and Ava thanked her, and asked her to bring in an agent.

She sat up and buttoned the lower part of her shirt. “Ah - Agent Blake – can you unlock Captain Lance, please?”

Agent Blake didn’t say anything, just nodded, and made his way towards Sara. She raised her hands and grinned. “I don’t bite, I promise.” She said, and Blake stood there.

“Sara, stop it -” Ava said as she stood up from the bed, brushing down her shirt, trying not to smile again. “She’s not going to do anything, Blake.”

“Okay, Director Sharpe.” Agent Blake said meekly and reached forward to click the key into the cuffs. As soon as they were off, Sara rubbed her wrists, and Agent Blake got out of the room as quickly as possible without running.

“Stop being mean to my agents.” Ava said with a smile, and Sara matched her grin.

“It’s not my fault!” She protested. “We need to hold that hearing; I can’t keep getting arrested every time I visit my girlfriend at work.” She said, then her brain seemed to catch up with her mouth. “Sorry, I -”

“It’s fine.” Ava said quickly. “Can we just go home?”

Sara nodded, and opened up a portal.

///

When she got home, Ava decided the best way to avoid having a conversation was to have a nap. Luckily, Sara believed she was tired and left her alone to sleep.

By the time she woke up, it was late evening, and Sara had made omelettes for dinner. Still not ready for the stairs, Ava portalled into her own kitchen, something made extra ridiculous by the fact that Sara insisted on taking her arm to help her step through.

After dinner, Ava looked out into her tiny garden.

“Can we sit outside?” Ava asked softly. “I haven’t been outside in... a long time, I guess.”

“Won’t you be cold?”

“I have blankets.” Ava said. “Please?”

Sara found, then piled at least three blankets onto Ava as she sat in the outdoor chair, before she flopped down next to her. Ava’s garden was small – a square of grass, with a few half dead plants scattered around, and two chairs and a table, bought when Ava thought she might enjoy eating outside more. Maybe a previous Ava had thought that – Ava three or four. Ava was grateful for it now, as the cool night air felt incredible.

She looked over and could see that Sara was looking at the stars, tears on her cheeks.

“Sara?”

“Did we ruin it completely?” Sara said.

There was silence, the only sounds the gently chirping of the crickets and the distant sounds of the city.

“Maybe.” Ava said softly. “It wasn’t your fault, Sara.”

“It wasn’t your fault either.” Sara said, her voice so sincere. “You found out about this huge thing -”

“And then I freaked out about it and pushed you away.” Ava said. It seemed too much to look at Sara, so she just focused on the blinking light of a plane travelling through the pale stars. “I’m still not – I'm still not okay with it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be.” She said softly. “When I got shot – all I could think about was - I didn't want to die. But most of all I didn't want to die and be replaced and no one would ever tell you, and she could live out my life, and you two could -" Ava swallowed. "I know it's selfish."

"I'll never love another Ava." Sara said, her voice so sure. "And I'll always know it's you. I'll know, I promise."

Ava looked over at her.

“Sara -” She said softly. “Sara, I love you too. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

Sara looked back at her, her eyes shining. “I don’t mind.”

“I always felt it, I just -” Ava said. “I didn’t know how I could love, if I wasn’t real – but I always felt it.”

“I always felt it too – even when – even when I told you I wanted to leave, for my own stupid reasons -” Sara started, and her breath hitched on the final syllable.

Ava could only sit for a second in silence; her breath crystalizing in the darkening night. She looked at Sara, and held out her hand.

“We can start again, if you want?”

A smile dawned on Sara’s face, soft and hopeful. “That’s all I want, baby.”

"Okay - we can start tonight." Ava said, and squeezed her hand.

Chapter Text

Ava lay there, silent and pale, her hair splayed out over the pillow. She'd been intubated, the plastic tube marring her beautiful face. 

"Hey, Aves." Sara said in a half whisper. "I hope - I hope you don't mind it's me." 

She couldn't touch her with her hands in cuffs, so Sara gritted her teeth, snapped her thumb out the socket, slid her hand through, and crunched the thumb back into place before her brain had time to register the pain. 

She brushed a strand of hair from Ava's forehead. She was clammy and cold, her eyes were sunken, mascara smudged underneath. When Sara held her hand, she could see it was clean, but there was blood under her nails. 

Her own blood. 

The anger that had been crackling behind her eyes since she'd held the doctor with a knife at his throat suddenly dissipated, like smoke in the wind, and Sara was left alone. 

She couldn't cry – she wouldn’t cry, Ava was the one who should be crying, her body torn in two and stitched back up again, but there was nowhere for the anger to go, no one to fight, nothing she could do to help except to wait. 

"I don't know – I don't know if you can hear me, but -" She swallowed, blinking back tears. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." 

Two weeks in Aruba (three with good behaviour) seemed to be exactly what the Legends needed after becoming a giant children's toy and hugging a demon to death, with sun, sea, copious amounts of fruity drinks and absolutely not checking the anachronism log.  Sara had found herself back at the hotel most afternoons - she loved her team, but it was her chance for a vacation too, and it was nice to lay on the cool sheets of a huge bed alone, read a book and order room service, and try not to think about Ava Sharpe. 

She failed; a lot. They'd been texting. Sara had even been so bold as to send her a selfie before she went down to the beach one day. When she felt her phone buzz one sunny afternoon - not a text, but a call, from a Time Bureau number – Sara stopped herself from answering too quickly and picked up on the third ring, secretly thrilled that Ava had taken the leap and called her. It would be nice to hear her voice again. 

It hadn’t been Ava. It had been a distraught Gary. Ava had been hurt. 

Sara pulled her knees up to her chest, and held onto Ava’s hand like a lifeline. 

Ava was already in surgery when she got there, and Sara couldn’t stop herself – she needed Ava safe and alive, she needed her on the Waverider, and she didn’t realise she had a knife to the Doctor’s throat until she could see his wide, terrified eyes, and she could hear the sound of all the guns in the room being trained on her. She only removed it when Gary assured her that Ava had stabilised. 

She wasn’t sure how much time had passed when the door opened gently, and Gary appeared in the doorway. 

"How is she?" Gary said. 

"Alive. Asleep. They won't tell me when she'll wake up." Sara said, her voice raw.

There was silence. 

"If it gets worse -" Gary swallowed. "I'll help you get her to the Waverider." 

"Thanks." Sara said quietly, not taking her eyes off Ava. 

"They're only letting one person stay – I think it should be you." 

"Gary -" 

"No, I think it should be you." Gary said firmly. "She'd want it to be you." 

"We broke up." Sara couldn't stop her voice from shaking. "She wouldn't want me – I – I told her I loved her and she said it was over. She wouldn't want me." 

"She asked for you." 

"What? When?" 

"She was still awake when we found her." Gary said. "She wasn't – she wasn't really coherent, but she was asking for you." 

“She was still conscious?” Sara said, her voice breaking. 

“Not for long. She’d lost so much blood -” Gary stopped, and Sara realised he was looking at her, looking at the tears streaming down her cheeks. She wiped at them deftly with her shirt sleeve. 

"I can't believe I'm the one crying -" 

"Doctor Jens did prescribe me a xanax twenty minutes ago." Gary said with a shrug. "But he gave me ... three. Maybe four?" 

Sara couldn't help but laugh through her tears. "Does he have any more?" 

"Does Gideon do anti-anxiety medication?" 

"She does, but - I'm kind of under arrest here." 

"You broke out of your handcuffs like, twenty minutes ago, and you definitely swiped a time courier already." Gary said, and he held up his arm to show his bare wrist. Sara couldn't help but smile. 

“I think – I need to stay. Just until she’s more stable.” 

“I’ll make sure you’re not bothered by anyone who isn’t a medical professional.” Gary said firmly. "And - I can tell the Legends what's happening, if you want?"

“Thank you.” Sara said, and Gary reached over to squeeze Ava’s hand.

"She's a fighter, she'll be okay." He said softly, then turned and left, and Sara was left alone again in the silence. 

“I’m staying, as long as you want me.” She said to the still sleeping Ava. “I’m not leaving ever again, I promise.” 

 Sara took her hand, pressed a kiss to her palm, and took up her watch beside the woman she loved.