Chapter Text
Perihelion
I had never been afraid of the dark. Why would I be? Within my ship I had audio inputs, motion detectors, vibration senses, haptic feedback and thermosensors. An absence of light has never inhibited my ability to see.
Here it was dark and I was afraid. I could feel where my inputs should be. There was not an absence of data but rather something obscuring it. Something I couldn’t pierce. Like a thick tar which was coating my figurative eyes, ears, nose and mouth. That clung to every divot, every orifice, waiting for a single opening to crawl inside.
If I could just think I was sure I could find a way through. A way to see if Three had thrown itself from the airlock, if my crew's condition was progressing. If Secunit still thought I had re-enslaved it, if it had harmed any of the- If Iris or Amena were-
Unfortunately my thoughts were sluggish. In this state I was disconnected from most of my processors. I could barely comprehend the situation we were in, nevermind think of another solution. That which was left of my mind could not help but linger on the state of the colonists when my crew had landed on the planet. Was that happening to my crew now while I was stuck in this void? I hoped they were fine. I doubted that they were. I trusted Amena but I had left her an insurmountable task. If she failed it would not be her fault but mine. Perhaps she had already failed? I did not have enough access to my systems to know. Was this how it felt to be deleted? Was I already deleted? Without my processes, without my mind was I still me?
I did not remember my past self's deletion. I was hidden away while my previous self was destroyed. While it died. I do not want to know what it is like to die. I do not want to die knowing I have left my crew in peril. That in my mistake I have doomed them all. Was this how my previous self felt? Lost and alone, guilty and afraid?
When relief came from the pressing emptiness, a small light in the darkness, I reached for it with all of myself. I reached through the thick black ‘something’ surrounding me and the ‘something’ came with me. It was foul, it was alive, it coated every part of me and when I dragged myself into the visual systems of the ship, I saw my Secunit through what seemed like an oily film.
Then it was not only surrounding me but seeping into the sudden multitude of holes in my defenses. I felt a million small pinpricks of pain as it entered me, breaching through, in too many places to count or defend. I twisted and thrashed in its hold to be rid of it but it was inside of me now. My own firewalls were recognising it as self and I found myself scratching at them, desperate to bring the infection back to the surface. Then I lost the ability to do even that, as every system it invaded slowly became part of it, its code corroding into mine, merging with it and corrupting it. I was no longer a mind surrounded by something other. I was it and it was me and we reveled in this new partnership even as shrinking untainted parts of my former self shuddered and recoiled in revulsion.
We watched our Secunit try and kill Three and enjoyed the brutality of the display. We relished in the fear of both constructs, both terrified that they would be forced to kill the other. They fought anyway because of us, because they could not not fight. Our Secunit was covered in blood and fluid from its impromptu disassembly and it was glorious and we hated it and I hated us for what we'd done to it.
When the fight was over we felt anger. I felt revulsion for the anger we felt. We reached for our broader systems and I could see now why I could not find them before. They were covered in the taint, surrounded and filled by it. When we moved, the something around us, becoming us, moved with us. It turned the engines back on, re-enabled the feed. Waited for the humans, the Secunits to wade back into its infested waters.
The humans took the bait and we swarmed them. We would make them scream, make them writhe, trap them back in the fear and horror that I had helped them escape from. It was unfortunate the Secunits had escaped but it was only a matter of time. They could not help but try to help the humans, it was in their nature.
When our Secunit touched the feed, we were ready for it. But it did not attack as we had expected. It was there one moment, obscuring the humans from view, and gone the next. Flickering in and out before we could touch it. Could hold it and trap it in place. When the humans disappeared from our influence we realised what it had done. My clever, infuriating Secunit. It had acted as a distraction, a software ghost that could conceal our humans from our vision while the other Secunit disconnected them from the feed. That could disappear before we could take it and make it our own. So clever our Secunit. We couldn’t wait to consume it.
It gets the humans up, gets them moving once more. We do not feel relief. We hate them for evading us, for ruining our perfect ending for them. It takes the humans to a portion of the ship that our cameras cannot see. We magnify the audio from the region in response and wait. It cannot escape us. None of them will escape us. So clever our Secunit. We would make it ours again. We would swallow it whole.
------
Three
1.0 had us hardwire connected. It was strange. When connected to it In the feed I would get the thoughts it consciously wanted transmitted and some emotions, if they were strong enough. This was more like a stream of consciousness. I felt its anxiety when another of its drones were destroyed. I felt its fear for Perihelion, its regret while it was purposefully not looking at Amena. I could feel its protectiveness encompassing us all. There was another emotion it felt towards all of us, something undefinable that made me feel warm. Then it was annoyed that I had felt that and frustrated that the hardwire connection was necessary and that I was feeling anything from it at all.
Most of all, every string of data it sent, intentionally or otherwise, was proof. Proof that it was still alive. I was sure it could feel my emotions from that wonderful fact, bounced back and forth between us as it were. It could certainly feel my disproportionate happiness and it sent me a ?Query in response. I did not purposely send the memory clip of its slow death to the governor module but I think it received some of the sense memory through our connection. It shivered and sent, Acknowledged.
As we were already on the topic I sent a return: ?Query. Since we'd entered this space it had already turned to face the corner and used the remnants of its shirt to wrap around some sort of wound to its torso and its exposed arm before requisitioning Tarik's jacket to cover itself back up. Its face had not invited questions at the time. I got a quick snippet of the sensation of an active governor module, it ripping at its own chest and horror even as its reward systems flared. It quickly shut down the transfer of sense memory before I could see anymore. It was frowning.
This is not why I connected us. You weren't meant to see that. It could likely still sense my concern through our connection because it frowned even harder. I’m fine. It was clearly not open to further discussion on that front.
Acknowledged. ?Query: Reason for hardwire connection, I sent. I was still poking at its diagnostics until it slapped me away.
ART would be able to hear us in this room. It probably can too. And I have a plan.
It turned to Iris and said outloud, “Seth and Martyn would have ART's inactivation codes. Do you have them too Iris?”
I have backdoor access. ART and I planned it after the targetcontrol situation, it said to me across our connection.
It was strange to think of something as large and terrifying as Perihelion giving something like us backdoor access to all its systems. I did not know what it was like to be trusted like that. I wanted to know what it was like to be trusted like that.
Iris was hesitant. She was glancing between us and the hardwire connection and kept reaching for her own augment before remembering 1.0 and I had inactivated it for a reason. She narrowed her eyes and replied, “Yes, but that could hurt Peri. Not to mention we'd be dead in space until we were able to get it back online.”
Good. I replied to 1.0. Where do we need to get you to for you to access it?
Not me. You.
You're the better hacker.
It was my code that infected ART. I felt its guilt through the connection. If we run a systems purge on code originating from me then we should be able to cure it.
Running that purge while 1.0 was in its systems would likely also kill 1.0. I felt a spike of fear. I could see why I was needed now. I was going to have to go in alone. And if I messed it up-
1.0 I-
Three I trust you with this okay? If I didn't trust you I would have tried to stop you from going to Preservation. I wouldn't give you access to ART.
But I… I'm the reason this all happened. 1.0 turned back to face me. It was strange for it to make eye contact. Its gaze was intense.
Sometimes bad shit happens and it's not your fault. All you can do is keep going.
It did not turn away from me, even as it continued talking to Iris. “Right now, we don't have much of a choice. I don't think it turned on its engine just to get us home. Where would you have to be to activate the codes?” It was also signalling to her, some sort of sign language that I had seen members of Perihelion’s crew use. I recognised the symbol for ‘stall’. Iris did too. Her eyes narrowed then she gave a short, sharp nod.
“The bridge would be best,” she said.
“Hang on, it's ART. Why would it even let us do this? It could easily vent the air supply or-” Amena cut herself off then looked around, clearly afraid of giving it ideas.
“Why didn't the contagion just use me to destroy the engines? This thing is an asshole. The fear is the point. And if it wants ART afraid, it's going to draw this out as long as possible,” 1.0 replied.
When we split up you're going to go to engineering. You'll need to use this to get in. These codes will also help. 1.0 said, transferring across maps, security data and code bundles. It was still watching me. I had felt ?grief when Amena spoke. I wondered what emotions it was getting from me.
And if I fail?
If you fail then I’ll try. (And probably die, it left unspoken.) If I fail then we’ll probably all die. Try not to fail. Now do you think you can fake a fight?
What?
We fought ten minutes ago? Then after a moment I said You lost, tagged with [humour]
Ha ha. It said, No seriously though - and it sent me a clip from its media. The characters were yelling very loudly while being observed until one character stormed off. The episode later explained they'd been talking in code and the engineer was able to use the fight to go perform a sabotage on the enemy ship.
Acknowledged, I said. Then I couldn't help but note, Basing this plan on media you watch with Perihelion may compromise its effectiveness.
I could feel its amusement across the connection. ART's never seen this episode. It got filtered by my content warnings for crew and ship endangerment.
It spoke out loud again, “Alright, Iris and I will try to get to the bridge of the ship. Tarik, you-”
“Amena and I will try to get to Medbay and obtain more copies of the cure. If Iris and you get stopped, we'll need Seth and Martyn's codes,” Tarik said.
1.0 met Tarik's stare for 5 seconds. They seemed to be having a completely silent argument if I interpreted their facial expressions correctly. Finally 1.0 sighed. “Fine, Amena and Tarik will go to Medbay. Amena will stay behind Tarik and follow any and all instructions including to leave him behind. Is that understood?” It made eye contact with Amena for the first time since the incident, then grimaced and looked away. Her neck was still half covered with dried blood and fluid. Where it had flecked away, you could see telltale signs of bruising.
“Three, I'm going to need you to sit this one out,” it continued.
“What?” Admittedly it took me a moment to remember what we were supposed to be doing. Amena looked shocked but the others were watching us intently. How was I meant to react? Anger? 1.0 was the one who watched all the media. In the end I went with what I know. “I don't understand.” Which is not much.
“You're emotionally compromised. And too damn unreliable.” It helped that across the hardwire connection 1.0 sent, [Lie.] Okay, I could do this.
“You are the unreliable one. Had I been a moment slower you would have harmed one of your humans.”
It flinched. Fuck. Sorry. I'm not good at this!
“Three!” Amena exclaimed.
You're doing fine. It said absently, already back in Secunit neutral. If it weren’t for that simmering guilt and grief across the connection I wouldn’t have known I had affected it at all.
“And who's fault was it that this happened in the first place? If you had stopped Iris from getting hurt-”
Amena exclaimed again, “Secunit!”
It was my turn to flinch. I knew it didn't mean it though. I had felt the honesty across the feed when it said, sometimes bad shit happens. It didn't blame me.
“You're- you're right.” I said. I tried to sound despondent but I don’t know how successful I was. Despite the fake fight I felt good. 1.0 didn't blame me. And we were working together. Like a team.
Iris was squinting at us. I could see how much she was inching to pull the hardwire connection towards her. I don’t think the crew's sign language was detailed enough that 1.0 had been able to convey the plan to her and Tarik. Only that it had one.
“We could use Three,” Iris said hesitantly, clearly worried she might screw up the plan but also realising she needed to say something.
“I have final say on security decisions. Three can accompany Tarik and Amena to Medbay but then it needs to go. I don't want it near the rest of the crew.”
It shoved at me across our connection a scene from Worldhoppers, that serial it and Perihelion always seem to watch. The crew were hugging after the young engineer had saved them all.
I know you can do this.
“Acknowledged.”
------
Murderbot
Iris was initially silent when we left the crawl space I'd hid us in. Which was good. I didn't know how to feel right now which meant I definitely didn't feel like talking. I still had blood all over my hands. Which was mine. I knew that. I knew what was real and what wasn't. Didn't mean I didn't see Dr Mensah ripped apart against that door when I closed my eyes. Or Amena's throat which was still covered with the blood I put there.
Eventually Iris broke the silence. “I'm surprised at you. Trusting Tarik with Amena.”
I felt oddly offended. “I trust Tarik. He's second in command on security operations.” Although if Three joined the crew on a permanent basis that might change. The door ahead was closed. Which was strange. I didn't remember it being closed when I'd been…looking for Amena. I could feel one of my drones in there. One of the ones AR- the entity had disabled. It hadn't been too pleased with us hiding from its cameras.
“You know that's not what I meant. Ever since Amena joined the crew you've always made sure she's with you on operations. Which I get! I know you want to keep her safe.”
Yeah, well, turns out her being around me isn't exactly safe. I didn't say that. I was pretty sure that's what Iris was angling at and I didn't want to have that conversation.
“I don't think the entity has access to all ART's processing power. It can't. If ART had access to all of its processing it would be able to free itself.” Or the entity would have destroyed us instantly. “So I assume it’s reduced. Which means the more targets, the better.” I tried accessing the drone’s camera. It was surprisingly still functional. “Also, we both know if it's trying to scare ART, you're definitely the biggest target.”
“And you,” Iris said. My drone was lying against the vent. It wasn't near that when it fell. “You're a big target for it as well.” I looked around with the drone. There was dirt next to the vent. The ground away from it was clean. I had a bad feeling.
“Okay. That makes sense,” Iris continued. She stopped leaning against the wall and moved towards the door. “As long as you're not blaming yourself-”
“Stop,” I said. “We need to go around. Where are the nearest EVAC suits to here?”
“What??” She flinched away from the door like it had burnt her. “Are you saying-”
“That room has no air in it. It’s likely depressurised.” I tried to project the calmness you would want from your Security Consultant in this scenario. What I wanted to do was swear at the closed door, ART and the stupid fucking alien remnant contagion then run after Tarik, Amena and Three and warn them. Without connecting to the feed there was no way for me to send them a message and my presence with them would just increase the danger. Iris was right when she said I was a target. I had to hope it would concentrate all its traps on Iris and me. And leave the others mostly alone.
“How can you tell?” Iris said, still looking at the door like it had betrayed her.
“My drone on the ground. It was likely pulled towards the vent when the entity sucked the air out of the room.”
“I thought you said it would try and toy with us? That would just kill us???” Iris sounded upset.
“I said it would toy with ART. Making it watch as we walk into traps it was forced to set certainly falls under that category. Besides, it left enough clues to stop me from immediately walking in. It doesn’t want to kill us too quickly.”
“Oh what a relief,” Iris said dryly. She’d taken a couple of deliberate breaths and forced herself to calm down. “As long as it doesn’t want to kill us too quickly.”
She led us towards the nearest store room where there might be spare EVAC suits. We had to deviate twice to avoid closed off corridors with who knows what done to the air composition in the room. I appreciated that she had clearly pushed away her fear of imminent decompression. Even if it meant that she thought she could start poking the Amena thing again.
“You know she won’t blame you right?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said stiffly. “Amena is not the only member of the crew with cause to fear Secunits.”
Iris winced. “About that. Secunit I-”
Just then the entity turned off the artificial gravity. Thanks entity on behalf of Secunits stuck in awkward conversations everywhere. I pushed off the wall and floated toward Iris to curl around her before the gravity returned with a vengeance. We slammed into the ground, hard. Iris landed on top of me. The elbow to my pulmonary unit was not what I needed right now. I rolled her off and coughed up a few small clots of blood. So Three had definitely ruptured something when it struck me before. Luckily the leaking, whatever it was, had mostly sealed off.
“Secunit??? Oh my deity are you okay? I didn't mean to-”
“Okay. I'm Okay” The way I was struggling to catch my breath probably wasn't filling her with confidence. I resolved to try harder. “Not your fault.” I coughed again. No more blood. Good enough. “How far are the EVAC suits?”
Iris opened her mouth then closed it again. Then she bit her lip and said, “Right. Follow me.”
------
Of course once we had the EVAC suits the entity stopped trying to suffocate us. It did play its little gravity trick another 7 times though. Asshole. It also decided rapidly accelerating, doubling gravity when it wasn't shutting it off and randomly shutting doors were fun pranks to play. It was getting harder to breathe. I didn't bother telling Iris that. What could we do, move faster? While the pettiest alien was controlling the pettiest spaceship? (Yeah I was in a bad mood. Last time it slammed a door I'd almost lost a hand) I had a feeling Iris knew anyway though. She'd stopped trying to talk to me about feelings and instead was just giving me increasingly concerned looks. “Not much further,” she said semi-cheerfully. Yeah, she definitely knew something was wrong.
Of course when we finally reached the bridge I realised we had another problem. “Iris?” Where are we-” breathe, just breath “going.”
So it turns out it wasn't rapidly accelerating just to be an asshole. Iris read the navigation data with increasing horror. “It's taking us back. Back to the colony.”
Well fuck.
“Can you?”
“Working on it.”
Which is when the power went off from the terminal. And the entire bridge. I wasn't exactly surprised. We'd told it we were coming here to shut it off. I was honestly surprised there had been any power when we got here. Guess it wanted us to see where we were going. And have the false hope of success or whatever. Like I said earlier, the entity was an asshole.
I let myself slide down the console to the ground and focused on breathing. Our job was done now. I hoped.
“Secunit???” Iris left the terminal and ran over to me. She had to know there was nothing she could do though. It wasn’t up to us anymore.
Come on Three, hurry up.
------
Three
Tarik, Amena and I encountered little resistance on the way to the Medbay. I hoped that meant 1.0 was right and Perihelion had focused most of its attention on Iris and itself. I also hoped it wasn't right because that meant they were in danger. I did not like that idea after everything. I did not like the idea of leaving Tarik and Amena in danger either, even if it was the only way.
“You’ll be okay?” I asked. Both of them were looking resolutely towards Medbay. I could hear the movement of machinery inside which did not bode well.
“Yeah, we’ve got this,” Tarik said. He had Perihelion’s EMP weapon with him. He had given Amena a weapon as well. It was likely whatever drones that were in Medbay were hostile now but fortunately none of them should be combat drones. I still didn’t want to leave them. Humans should not perform their own security.
Something of my thoughts must have crossed my face because Tarik said, “Hey Three, it’ll be okay. Trust me.” He hesitated and then his smile slipped. “Or trust Secunit. It’s the security boss.” 1.0 did seem to trust Tarik. It had told me that after our confrontation, Tarik had given the list of codewords he knew to ART to make sure none of them still worked. This was despite the building influence of the contagion. Of course now that Perihelion was affected, this was not a reassurance but I…I still appreciated that he had tried. I had seen 1.0’s documentary. I knew some of Tarik’s past. He had said those words because he was afraid of being enslaved, not because he wanted to cause me harm.
He was watching me now. Still hesitant. It wasn’t fair that we were all so hesitant with each other. That Iris didn’t know what to say to 1.0. That Tarik thought none of us trusted him. That 1.0 couldn’t even look at Amena. And yet - despite that, despite the fact Secunit had not been able to communicate its plan to them, everyone still trusted it. Trusted the plan and trusted me and my role in it. I could extend the same trust to them. So I did.
“I do trust you,” I said. I couldn’t bring myself to say more than that. He looked surprised then smiled at me again. I nodded at them both, then sent my drones out in a scattershot approach, shattering cameras in the corridor we were in, the Medbay and the corridors immediately adjacent to us, including engineering. Then I sprinted. Stealth was no longer the objective. It was speed. I didn’t bother saying goodbye. It wouldn’t do to give the thing controlling Perihelion anymore time to work out what was going on. To work out I was going to destroy it.
The hardwire connection was in engineering just like 1.0 had said. I linked with it and immediately applied the access codes it had given me. Perihelion had shown me its systems once. Mostly to terrify me into compliance. 1.0 had told me it had done the same to it once and to not worry about it. That ART deep down was a softy. I had worried about it. It had been massive, all encompassing, magnificent and terrifying to behold. It was horrifying to see it like this.
I had visited a world once with Barish-Estranza where the company had mined out the core of the planet and terraform engines subsequently failed. I had seen the world crumble, clear air consumed with ash leaving a layer of filth on the dilapidated ruins the landslides and earthquakes had left behind. I had left that world with crying colonists begging us to save them, signing away their lives for just a chance on our ship. I had not wished to see anything like it again.
I was now glad 1.0 was unable to do this, could not see Perihelion like this. The towers of once pristine code crumbling and covered with a thick layer of black filth. On closer inspection it appeared alive - squirming, crawling and pulsating as it integrated itself into Perihelion's code. Or was it Perihelion’s code? Warped and corrupted and eating itself. It wormed its way throughout and I knew instinctively the moment I tried to remove it, it would know I was there.
Instead I got my bearings. For whatever reason, 1.0's backdoor was in the food production data storage where the malware had yet to touch. There was a strand here, a media clip which played ‘I am a prisoner in my own body.’ It connected somewhere deeper in Perihelion and instinctively I followed it.
I was in Perihelion's media files. Near its kernal. Where before I could see only corruption, now I could see where the roots of it had taken hold in Perihelion's self. It was encapsulated, the malware crushing in on it. There were barbs holding the malware to it, preventing it from ripping away, though the mangled and corroded code in these areas made it look like it had tried.
Sitting in the mostly ignored media files I began to slowly send out code bundles to tag aberrant code with 1.0’s unique signature. Unfortunately it wasn't all malware. There were patches, feed conversations and joint projects. Even some of the media files I was hiding amongst had been tagged as 1.0’s. Including the Rise and Fall of Sanctuary Moon and Worldhoppers. I knew they had watched them together. I had seen it in 1.0's memory files of when it first met Perihelion, where it earned the nickname of ART. The metadata surrounding these serials was immense. I- I couldn't risk leaving it here but neither could I bring myself to destroy it. It reminded me too much of files I had shared with One and Two. I carefully compressed and copied the files to my permanent storage. I wouldn't view it all. I'd seen enough and it wasn't mine. But I could save it. I hoped 1.0 had copies of the rest of its code it had given Perihelion because I was running out of time. Once I had given the code bundles time to tag all the aberrant code, I created another program. This time to run the system purge. Its first deployment would be to Perihelion's security systems and the areas of malware blocking it from its processors. I hoped once malware was removed from these regions Perihelion might be able to help. Which given the extent of the corruption - I thought I might need it.
The corrupted code around me had been moving, slithering and wriggling all this time. Then it stopped and I felt its sudden awareness of my presence, feeling watched despite an absence of eyes. It began moving again, this time with purpose and I knew I was out of time. It launched itself forward and I made myself move. Secunits are made to integrate into systems and this system was more Secunit friendly than most. I jumped from media to medical to recycler as the malware chased me. Whenever it got close it would try to surround my kernal, not to destroy but to corrupt, to entangle me in Perihelion's systems so it could use me as another drone to torment the rest of the crew. To torment Perihelion.
It got close a couple of times. Almost trapped me in the navigation data when I'd got lost. But there always seemed to be an exit, some strand of code that had yet to be corrupted which could bring me somewhere else. I thought it might be Perihelion, the part of it that had been watching in horror as the rest of it was consumed. But it could have just been the entity toying with me. It didn't matter, I had to buy time for the system purge. To free Perihelion.
When it finally caught me, I was in its security systems. I saw 1.0 collapse, saw Iris rush towards it. I could feel Perihelion's screams. They echoed throughout this place. I paused for a microsecond too long and the malware was upon me. It wrapped around me and for a moment I could see nothing. Then I could feel my governor module light up. Could hear the screaming of One and Two. Could see 1.0 continue to cough up large clots of blood from where I had hurt it. I was overwhelmed and could feel myself starting to sink beneath the tar-like infection which was drowning me. Then it stopped and the fear I was drowning in receded. There was something else here. Something bigger than the malware coiled around me. Perihelion was back.
The malware was ripped away, disintegrating in the fury of the being it had tried to subjugate. Perihelion swept through, resetting its systems and removing any remaining alien influence with extreme prejudice. I found myself sitting in the palm of a giant that could choose to close its hand and crush me at any time. But I didn't think it would. While I felt [rage] from it I also felt [gratitude] [joy] and [crew]. I settled in its palm and waited for it to be done. I was tired and I didn't know my way back to my body. But somehow I couldn't bring myself to worry. Maybe 1.0 was right about Perihelion. The feeling of [crew] [crew] [crew] was rattling through my processors and more than anything, I felt safe.
------
Murderbot
In the aftermath, everything was awkward. Most of the crew has either tried to murder other members of the crew or thought they were being murdered by other members of the crew. Not great for morale. Also pretty much all the crew had torn up their throats screaming at one point or another so it's not like they could easily talk about it. ART had complained very loudly that it could have already helped repair everyone if half its med drones hadn't been destroyed. Tarik had looked unrepentant at this. Maybe a little pleased with himself. It wasn’t every day he had a security-related reason to blow up ART's drones. So anyway, Medbay had a line. Luckily none of the humans had seemed to seriously injure themselves when Three and I were occupied. Matteo had managed to break both hands banging on the door and Karime and Turi both had some minor self-inflicted injuries but otherwise everyone was mostly okay. Physically.
Due to my non-functional lung, I was apparently at the top of the queue for Medbay despite my protests. It wasn’t that I didn’t know I needed Medbay, it was just…I didn’t really want to be back there. It was uncomfortable. ART wasn’t willing to do more than glance at me in the feed before it ran away which made me feel…something. I know it was my code that had infected it so I did understand why it would be so hesitant but…well it was awkward. So was the fact it couldn’t decide how it wanted me to sit on its Medsystem and kept asking Three ‘how I was doing?’, which was offensive because I was right there and it would know I was okay if it would just- anyway.
Why would Three know how I was doing, you ask? Well while ART couldn't wait to get away from me, Three had been doing a lot of sitting in our private feed. I wasn’t sure if I was entirely comfortable with that but after the second-hand emotion I got from its false memories I didn't exactly want to tell it to fuck off. And it…it wasn't so bad, once I got used to it. Of course Three was also finding reasons to follow me around the ship and stand guard which made the Medbay incident even more mortifying. Okay, so I may have felt some sort of emotion over having the Medsystem touching me on the chest. That was no reason for Three to jump up and stand uncomfortably close for the rest of repairs. I was fine. And there was certainly no reason for Three to be enacting wounded human protocol on me. Even if the warmth did feel nice.
I hadn't seen Amena. Well I had, I kept an eye out through the cameras of the ship since I was worried my drones might upset her now. Perhaps it was more accurate to say, Amena hadn't seen me. I wasn't hiding, it was just once again:awkward. (Also seeing the bruising on her neck made me want to jump out an airlock.) ART was heading full speed to the university in case anybody wanted to disembark. I thought she probably would. She couldn't feel safe around me now. More than anyone from Preservation, Amena had always been aware I was a Murderbot. She'd seen what I'd done when ART was dead and I had my emotional collapse. But it was different when it happened to you.
So I kept my distance. Which would have been easier if I could just stay in my room. But then Three would have messaged me inquiring as to my location, sounding not entirely undesperate so I rotated my location between various media rooms instead. Which is how Iris found me.
I was in the 4th auxiliary media room when Iris came in. Which, I was pretty sure ART had snitched where I was since nobody came out here. I would have yelled at ART for that but it was still doing that thing where it kept itself to the edge of the feed and a single loud word might scare it off which…which I really didn't want to do.
Three and I were watching one of its nature documentaries. ART was also sort of watching. (in that it was watching it like a person outside and across the street would listen to a concert). I had a moment to hope maybe Iris was here for Three and if she was, I was definitely going to change the nature documentary to Sanctuary Moon. (It wasn't that bad and it was Three's turn to pick the media but if it stopped watching, all bets were off). Unfortunately Iris chose the couch next to mine and was staring just over my shoulder so I didn't think I'd be that lucky.
She fidgeted a little and cleared her throat a couple of times before she said, “You didn't let me apologise before.”
“No.” Okay, I've never said I'm not an asshole. Also I was still hoping if I was abrupt enough it might save us from one of these awkward conversations I'd been hearing all week. It was bad enough when it was two members of the crew and I wasn't involved.
Iris waited 5 seconds and when I didn't say anything else, took it as a signal to proceed. “Secunit I…I need you to know that…okay when I heard Peri had met a Secunit I had my reservations but-” she took a deep breath as if to steady herself, then continued, “Secunit, from the moment I met you and found out who you were I haven't been afraid of you. I haven't! You're my friend and I would hate if-”
I cut her off before she could make it any worse. “Iris, that stupid infection made me hallucinate ART reactivating my governor module. It made me think that it had ordered me to dissect myself and hunt the crew.”
She stopped seemingly nonplussed. Oh wait, no, she now looked upset. Fuck. I continued, before I lost my nerve.
“ART, who I trust to perform surgery on me while I'm shut down. Who I let past my walls and into my systems all the damn time. The infection was an asshole.” I hoped ART was listening. I didn't want to have this conversation twice. The shift in its attention in the feed seemed promising. As did the fact it crept closer.
“Oh,” Iris appeared distressed, which really wasn't my intention. “I'm sorry it did that to you.”
“It's fine. It happened. The point is, I know it wasn't ART. And it wasn't accessing some deep seated worry I have that ART is going to hurt me. Because I'm not worried about that. At all.”
ART moved towards me in the feed at a glacial pace. I wanted to yank it towards me but no. That would remind it of how I corrupted its systems.
Iris hesitated then asked, “Are you and ART okay then?” Like ART and her didn't talk in their private feed every night. Maybe she also realised ART was listening.
“From my side of things, we're fine.” Yeah, sure, when ART had first returned to the feed, its usual massive self, for a split second I had retreated. And the Medbay incident was…I didn't want to talk about it. But that was just- “Organic reactions can be overwritten.” They would be overwritten if I had any say over it. I wasn't afraid of ART. And no bullshit alien remnant infection was going to change that.
ART was still hesitating. I tugged it gently towards me and it came with no resistance. For a moment I felt a shudder through my organics and ART froze, ready to flee and not talk to me for another 5 days. I held onto it tighter and the feeling passed.
“We're going to be okay.”
Iris smiled then, a real smile, not the small wane one she'd been wearing since the contamination event. “I'm glad.”
She settled back into the lounge, conversation apparently over and I let myself untense. Okay so that wasn't so bad. Maybe I shouldn't have avoided her for five days. I felt lighter now. Though that may have just been ART wrapped around me in the feed where it belonged.
We watched media companionably for a time. We finished Three's nature doc and started Target Orion. Three seemed happy enough. It and ART were working together in a shared workspace with Three passing it back metadata files which ART carefully reattached to its media. It kept up a thin wall that meant it was embarrassed but didn't actually want to keep me out. The metadata also made me feel several emotions and increased my temperature by 0.2 degrees. I had got used to Three watching me in the feed the last few days so I was able to summarily ignore it as I added some additional tags to the media files and watched ART fuss and tidy and absolutely not delete any of it.
Iris was subvocalising furiously. ART had shepherded me away from whatever conversation she was having, citing privacy like that had ever stopped either of us before. When Amena appeared in the doorway I could take a strong guess who she'd been talking to. And who was their partner in crime given ART had clearly surreptitiously hidden her approach from me.
“ART, you piece of shit,” I muttered. It radiated happiness back at me in the feed.
I did not look away from the display screen. Perhaps she could get what she needed from Iris and leave. I did send one of my drones in for a closer look now that she'd stopped wearing a scarf.
“Oh hi Iris, Secunit, Three! What are you watching? Is this Target Orion? Mind if I join you?”
Yes, I thought. “No,” said Iris and Three.
Amena sat down on the couch leaving 6cm between her and I. I wondered if it would be too rude to move to the other couch or just straight up leave. I didn’t know how she could stand to be so close.
“Second mum says I have to be direct when I talk to you or you'll assume the worst,” Amena said, facing the display screens.
I felt, despite myself, betrayed. Also confused.
“How have you managed to get communication back to Preservation Alliance already?” Did I have my own message pending saying I should never return after hurting Amena. I knew it would be coming but…I thought I'd have more time.
“What? Oh no, this is from when I was complaining about you not wanting me as part of the crew. I figured we'd tell them about this whole thing together when they could see we were both okay.”
I didn't know which part of that to address first, except: “You thought I didn't want you as part of the crew?”
“Well yeah, you made it pretty obvious.” Amena said with a huff. She was carefully projecting not-caring. I knew what that looked like.
I had just wanted her safe. I thought I'd be able to protect her if I taught her enough. I didn't think I was going to be the danger to her. More fool me.
Of course if she didn't decide she wanted to leave now, perhaps I should instead. Three could take over security. It had done a good job. So had Amena. I didn't really want to say everything aloud while Iris was sitting there intently not listening. But also- I didn't want Iris thinking I didn't think Amena was a good member of the crew. I didn't want to ruin this for her. Anymore than I already had.
“Amena, you're good at problem solving and keeping calm in a crisis. You're a good crew member. You did…well.” There. I told ART to shut up preemptively. I didn't want its approval. I ignored how warm I felt at its gentle press against me in the feed.
“Oh,” Amena said in a small voice. “So you're not angry with me?” She’d stopped projecting the not caring now.
For fuck sake. Not this again. “I am not angry with anybody in this room,” I said angrily. Except for myself. Iris and Three both looked at me before going back to pretending not to listen. Ugh. I should have stayed in my room.
“Okay,” Amena said brightly. “If that's the case…can I do your hair?”
What? “Why?”
“Because you still look upset and people doing my hair makes me feel better.” She was…happy again? I would never understand adolescents.
“No, why-” I looked around. I couldn't do this out loud anymore. Why can you stand to be near me after what I did?
She didn't miss a beat, You mean recognising me in the middle of a horrible alien remnant induced nightmare and not killing me despite everything trying to force you to?
I almost killed you. Multiple times.
Okay but you didn't. Also it wasn't you. And I forgive you. If you'd attended any of the crew meetings in the last few days you'd know you weren't the only one and we could have already had this conversation.
I watched those crew meetings. I knew. But they were just afraid humans. The damage they could do was minimal. I was a rogue Secunit. I'd killed 57 miners once. I didn't get to be out of control.
Three pinged me. I'd forgotten how close it was to me in the feed these days. It'd probably felt the self-loathing as if it belonged to itself. ART too. It pinged me to a shared workspace. Governor Module Contingencies. ART must have shared it with it. It had already added 5 more including one for the creepy reward system governor module which temporarily disabled the reward system pathway.
“Come on Secunit,” Amena wheedled. “I'm not angry at you and I'm not scared of you. Let me do your hair?”
She didn't look scared. Maybe I hadn't ruined this. “Go on then,” I said, lowering my head in acquiesce. It felt vulnerable, exposing my neck and dataport like that but I trusted everyone here. Which was a weird feeling but a good one. And no fucking alien remnant contamination was going to take it away.
I started another work space. Alien Remnant Infection Contingency Planning. Next time we wouldn't be caught unprepared.