Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It’s moments like this, when Katsuki finally gets to crash after a difficult patrol, that he seems to make his worst decisions. Usually, these bad decisions involve doomscrolling on social media for hours or reading news stories until he feels sick to his stomach. This time though, he’s looking for a whole different type of medicine.

Hero forums are a dime a dozen, filled with the exact types of people that Katsuki hates. Some of them, like the ones dedicated to a specific individual or group, are often positive places where people share their love for their favourite heroes with fan theories, art and discussions over their latest cool moves or rescues. But, for every good forum or blog post, there are at least a dozen that choose to focus on the negative, where its users wield their anonymity as a shield to hide behind, posting whatever dumbass shit they think of. Katsuki is well aware of this side of the internet, he himself has had multiple run-ins with the type of people that frequent these cesspools, on both sides. As a child he’d fallen down the rabbit hole more than once, sent frantic, ragebaiting messages to the people who would dare insult his faves. It had never ended well, had death threats sent his way more than once which sent him crying to his mother until he learned to use his own Anon shield properly. 

Now, as a pro hero himself, his name comes up often in these very circles. Naturally, ‘Dynamight’ isn’t exactly the most popular hero in these communities, though he has been soaring up the real life leaderboards in the past couple years, all the more proof that these people’s opinions don’t really matter in the real world. If they want to say shit about him, then they should get to the streets and do something about it instead of whining on the internet all day about how he should have done things differently. 

Sometimes though, Katsuki can’t help but go back to his roots of ragebaiting edgelords on the internet. He’s not stupid enough to go to his own hate boards for a whole litany of reasons, but he has lots of coworkers that he’d go to bat for, he just has to find one that catches his eye.

One does interest him eventually, but for an entirely different reason than he’d originally been intending. He’d originally clicked on the most popular and most generic ‘Deku’ forum on the site, as he often does, hoping to find something good in the top posts of the last week. One particular topic line makes him roll his eyes, ‘What’s everyone’s favourite Deku ship?’

Katsuki snorts, “This’ll be good…”

Given that heroes are often treated as glorified celebrities by the, albeit shaky in recent years, establishment, it was only natural that a certain subset of chronically online loners would turn to debating the relationships between those that often worked together. Most of the time this sort of discussion makes Katsuki laugh, as long as they don’t go into too much detail, and it’s not like he can do anything to stop it. So obviously, he couldn’t pass up this chance, if anything he could use it to tease Izuku the next time they saw each other.

Most of the discussion is surface level, talking about how they could totally see the looks he sent Yaoyorozu the other week when they’d stopped a bank heist together, successfully subdued the two villains and rescued the hostages within less than 10 minutes. Or the one he gave Kirishima after he’d successfully distracted a thief, allowing ‘Red Riot’ to flatten them before they even reached the next block. 

‘Idiots’ he thinks as he sees the grainy footage they use as supposed proof ‘If you were actually paying attention you’d know that’s just the look he gets when he’s focused’

The members of this discussion board all seem to have different opinions about who ‘Deku’ totally has a crush on, ranging from his past classmates to pretty much every hero in the top 10, (He laughs when he sees that the comment about Mineta has over 200 dislikes). Naturally, ‘Uravity’ is the name that comes up the most, unsurprising given the tabloid photos of them at restaurants, or holding hands in civilian clothes. Even though this makes sense, it causes the sealed box in Katsuki’s heart to shake, he sighs and tightens the chains around it. 

Out of a sense of dark curiosity, he clicks the link at the bottom of the page which loads the comments marked for spam. Most of them are users complaining about how shipping real people together is immoral, or that everyone in the thread was a ‘disgusting degenerate.’ Katsuki rolls his eyes at this too, though he agrees that it's a little…strange to say the least, it isn’t like most heroes stalk fan forums for discussions like this one. Most boards were there for the fans to discuss amongst themselves, despite how weird or morally gray these discussions may be. 

One of the comments in the 'spam' section is different from the others, marked as such due to the repeated hyperlink to a third party site. The only other text in the message is a simple ‘:)’ at the end.

Now, normally, Katsuki is great at internet safety, amazing even, but all of that goes out the window when he sees the message. It has a couple dozen likes, so surely multiple people had clicked on it before it was hidden by the mods. Before he can convince himself that it's a terrible idea, he finds himself clicking on the link, crossing his fingers as the webpage slowly loads. 

He half expects his computer to immediately begin screaming about a virus, but that warning doesn’t come. Instead, the new webpage opens normally in a new tab, revealing a well kept fan blog with custom fonts and its own domain name. Clearly the person who created it was very talented at web design, so why exactly had they linked it in a ship discussion board of all places? The answer stares back at him as his own hero profile photo stares back at him from the left side of the page header, mirroring him on the other side is Izuku’s photo. The title of the blog is right in the face, though it's taken him longer than he’d like to admit to register the letters in that specific order. It reads ‘DynaDeku Paradise’ in a sickenly bright orange font with a dark green outline, reminiscent of their costume colours.

Katsuki sits back in his chair, staring at the screen like it might somehow change what he’s looking at, what he’d unknowingly added to his search history. He groans, puts his head in his hands and spins the chair around in a few circles before he calms down enough to look properly. Unfortunately nothing had changed in the few seconds he’d spent away, so he’s stuck looking at the same image that may end up being burned into the back of his mind. He continues to stare, considering his options, gaze darting rapidly between the page directory and the back button. Eventually he swallows the rising feelings in his gut and decides to give into the curiosity again, he clicks on the blog post from a couple months ago. What loads on the next page is a detailed account of the missions the two of them had both been on that week, though they’d been on opposite sides of the country this time. The post is relatively short because of this, simply compiling details of the cases they’d gleaned from reading the public reports and watching videos of the fights. This person, though very passionate about both heroes' careers, clearly has too much time on their hands.

Katsuki clicks ahead to the blog post from 3 weeks ago, the last time he’d worked with ‘Deku,’ and the last time he’d seen Izuku in person. A feeling he can’t quite place swirls in his stomach, and he bites back the growing nausea that rises out of nowhere. This post is much longer and infinitely more detailed than the previous one, filled with close up shots of not only the mission itself, but their personal interactions, even after the culprits had been apprehended. It seems that every time they’d gotten close to each other, Katsuki had closed the gap between them without even realizing it, almost touching Izuku’s hand on multiple occasions but hesitating each time. He curses at his past self, he hadn’t even realized he’d been doing those things. Katsuki has half a mind to report the video, find some vague proof that the footage is doctored in some way, but even he knows that’s wishful thinking. Even now, all these years later, his body seems to move subconsciously towards Izuku, despite all attempts to push these desires out of his mind.

Desperate to find proof on the contrary, Katsuki goes back in the list to the very first blog post they’d ever made, dating back 2 years prior when Katsuki had been a lesser man, just as passionate about his work, but too absorbed in catching up to a past ideal he could never reach; just after he’d just given Izuku his gift and they were able to start working together on the field again. 

He doesn’t remember what mission they’d been on that day, if anything major had happened, if anyone was hurt in the aftermath, all he can remember is the pain in his chest that surged whenever he had looked at Izuku’s face. His fears are confirmed as he looks at the photos attached to the post, zoomed-in pictures of the wistful look in his eye, the slight smile he had in that moment; an expression he’s never given to anyone else in the history of forever. That feeling Katsuki now recognizes as dread rises to his chest, and the box rattles harder, the chains slip off and lose grip on the lid. Katsuki closes the webpage, as if it can erase the things archived on it, as if it can give him a better grasp on his suppressed feelings. 

For the first time in years, a corner of the box opens, and a small portion of the contents spill out into him. Katsuki gasps at the sudden, painful yearning that fills him, spreading out to all of his blood vessels and into his pores. He leans forward, desperately grasping at his chest as it throbs, different but adjacent to the pain that happens when his heart acts up. Somehow, he manages to drag himself over to the bed, faceplanting into the pillow. Katsuki takes a deep breath and imagines the box, urging the feelings to return inside to their original place. ‘Shut up, Shut up, Shut up, Just shut up already!’ This seems to work, because he can just barely visualize the sight of its reluctant return; it slinks back into confinement and finally becomes silent. Finally numb, Katsuki allows himself to relax into the mattress, staring off into nothingness as his thoughts return to normal.

“Damnit…” He says into the darkness.

Chapter Text

It’s just Katsuki's luck that the next day, bright and early, Izuku sends a message to his work email, marked as confidential. That can only mean that it has something to do with a case, a new one that requires his expertise. A part of him is happy that he gets to see Izuku twice in one month for once, but another part can’t help but dread the day ahead. Normally he has a strong hold of his emotions, especially when it comes to hero work, but clearly he still has work to do if last night was anything to go off of.

He pulls up the email on his computer, silently thanking his past self for remembering to close the web browser last night. His mood sours when he realizes that the email was not, in fact, sent to him personally and was instead a mass email sent to five different addresses including his own. The tone is professional and brief, calling for a meeting to discuss the details in a few days when everyone is available.

‘Why the hell was I getting my hopes up so damn high? It’s a damn work email for God’s sake.’ He sighs, steeling himself for the day ahead. First though, he has to get through his daily patrols, and for once he hopes that the streets are quiet.

Katsuki gets to the office precisely on time, and silently passes a note to the secretary stating where he’ll be that evening if they need to contact him for any reason. The one lucky thing about this day is that Kirishima is also in the office today, so he’ll at least have company while wandering the city. He doesn’t know if he’d be able to handle talking to Kaminari or Sero with the mood he’s in. Though he supposes he should be grateful to them for basically giving him a job, refusing to let him work on his own without an agency to back him up.

The truth is, buying Izuku all that gear had eaten up nearly his entire income for the four or so years it took to develop, and nowadays most of his money has been going to car payments or saving for a new, less shitty apartment. Sometimes he hates being an adult.

“Hey bro!” Kirishima waves as soon as Katsuki enters the changeroom. As usual, he’s already in his costume, and somehow full of energy at 8am. Katsuki almost wishes he could’ve stayed in bed for once, but evil waits for no one and if he really wanted a decent sleep schedule he would have chosen a different career.

“Mornin’” He finally answers, absentmindedly as he pulls his own uniform on.

Kirishima frowns, “Hey man, what’s eatin up all your energy today?”

Katsuki glares at him but, characteristically, Kirishima refuses to back down until he relents, “Had shitty sleep last night and it’s been pissing me off.”

“Damn, and I thought you had your schedule down pretty well.”

“I know, that’s why it's pissing me off, dumbass.” He slams the locker door harder than he meant to, he winces, it’s only a matter of time before everyone notices he’s off his game and starts to ask questions, questions he refuses to answer. “Sorry, should probably chill the fuck out.”

Kirishima, at least, seems unperturbed at the outburst, giving only a small sympathetic look, “If you need a pick-me-up, I finally remembered to restock the tea bags in the break room for you.”

Finally, some good news, “Fuck yeah, you’re the best.”

“I know bro, I try!”

Once Katsuki has finished his morning tea and Kirishima finishes updating everyone in the office, the two of them finally set out. The morning is quiet so far and it gives Katsuki many blissful moments of silence.

After a solid half-hour of no news, Kirishima has gotten into the groove, and luckily his good mood is infectious. “Sorry I haven’t been in town much recently, Fatgum and Amajiki needed my help with a couple cases so I’ve been up north. Hope you guys didn’t miss me too much.” He adds with a cheeky smile, arm wrapped around Katsuki’s shoulders.

He laughs “Don’t act like we need your help to keep things running, of course everything’s been fine. If anything it’s been boring as hell.”

Kirishima smiles wider, “Aww, I can’t believe you missed me that much.”

“I was talking about patrolling obviously you idiot.”

Nothing serious comes up for the remainder of the patrol, the only issue was when they spotted someone swerving in the road and running multiple red lights. Luckily it was a normal police issue, so they were able to hand it over quickly and move onto the rest of their route.

When they return to the office, having not done anything substantial, Kirishima leaves him to fill out the report and witness testimony of the aforementioned incident, giving the perfect opportunity for Katsuki's to dread to fester.

While the tedious nature of patrolling had left him with something to distract him with, nothing remained to keep his mind from drifting further. He gets changed and pours himself another cup of tea while he waits for Kirishima to finish up, normally he wouldn’t bother but clearly he needs someone else to talk his ear off or else the anxiety would kill him.

There have been plenty of meetings like this in the past, with the same group of people, and while Katsuki is not foolish enough to question why this time is so different, he’s still frustrated with himself for being almost too afraid to go.

Kirishima is surprised to see him still hanging around, but doesn’t question it, simply follows him to his car and slides into the passenger seat. ‘Small Mercies’ Katsuki thinks to himself.

“Oh before you punch in my address,” Kirishima leans over the centre console to stop Katsuki’s fingers on the GPS screen. “I’m actually gonna go over to Mina’s for a bit.”

Katsuki raises an eyebrow at the blush dusting his cheeks, but doesn’t say anything, something about even broaching the subject of relationships right now brings a bitter taste into his mouth.

As expected, Kirishima can’t stop himself from rambling once they’re on the road, though he manages to stay on topic. Seems that he had been up to a lot with his old mentor, enough that he’s not even halfway done by the time they reach their destination.

Kirishima peeks through the driver’s side window before he goes inside, “By the way, Bakugo. I’ll be around for a while so we should totally get together with everyone and hang out. I can give you the rest of the deets then.”

“Sure sure,” he waves him off. “I’ll see you around.”

He watches as Kirishima confidently walks to Mina’s door and enters casually as if he lives
there, hell maybe he does nowadays.

Whatever the answer, Katsuki doesn’t particularly want to open that can of worms right now so instead he turns the damn car around and drives away. His phone buzzes, and he can only assume that it’s Kirishima confirming he made it inside safe, as if it’s some impressive feat that he’d made it there from the front door.

Chapter Text

Aside from Kaminari, Katsuki doesn’t know the other heroes very well in this meeting, though he definitely recognizes them from patrols and news stories around town. It’s been five days since the initial plans were made, which has mostly meant five days interspersed with random emotional crisises and crash outs when he wasn’t working. He seriously needs to get a hold of himself if he’s going to avoid embarrassing himself in front of Izuku, let alone everyone else. As much of an idiot Kaminari is, he’s way too perceptive when it comes to people, an ability which has only gotten better as he’s grown up.  

“Oh my god heyyy,” Kaminari says as he approaches, the smile on his face would almost seem coy if Katsuki wasn’t more familiar with his style of teasing. “Glad to see you around Bakugou, let’s work together like old times yeah?”

Katsuki rolls his eyes, but returns the easy smile, “Only if ‘working together like old times’ doesn’t involve you frying your own brain again.”

Kaminari lets out a loud, faux gasp, “I can’t believe you would think so lowly of me, I’ll have you know that I can handle more and more voltage every time I try.”

A hero he doesn’t recognize overhears the outburst and chuckles to herself, “You say that, but the power grid to all the offices on our block burst the other day after a suspiciously familiar scream.”

“Lies and slander!”

“So you’re saying that wasn’t you?”

“Well…no not exactly, but it was an accident I swear! That wasp had it coming for getting all up in my personal space.”

Katsuki is, admittedly often, jealous of the easy conversations his colleagues have, since he’s always struggled with engaging with others when he doesn’t deem it necessary. But he’s never going to pass up a chance to make fun of Kaminari for his over the top reactions, “You idiot, I distinctly remember you seeing it from the other side of the room and freaking the fuck out for no reason.”

“I can’t believe this…I let you into my agency, into my home, and this is how you treat me?”

“I have never once been to your house.”

Kaminari’s heated retort is interrupted when the police chief enters the room through the doors at the back, followed closely by an Izuku that’s still wearing his civilian clothes. The anxious expression on his face is complimented by the sweat coming off his brow, “I’m so sorry everyone, it took me longer than expected to get here from work.”

Taking a quick look at the clock in the corner of the room, Katsuki notes that it’s only 6 minutes past the stated start time, which means that, as always, Izuku is taking punctuality a bit too seriously; he really needs to stop working with Iida so much. The fact that he’d made it here after his teaching job at all is a miracle, considering how much he does for everyone both inside and out of that damn school. ‘Deku’ is referred to as the ‘One for All hero’ for a reason after all, and it isn’t just because of that old quirk of his. 

After the few heroes already sitting down reassure him that it really isn’t a big deal, the police chief gets down to business. “I had Deku contact you all because we need support with clearing out a warehouse we believe is being used to produce ‘Trigger. Production has decreased recently due to our diligence but we can’t afford to let our guard down.”

Raids like this are pretty customary in their field, and generally easy to deal with assuming they aren’t related to a larger criminal organization. Unfortunately without finding the ringleader it’s hard to stop it from reappearing, but by destroying their production line and apprehending those involved, it became easier to find where the roots emerge from. If they’re already at this stage, it must mean that the police have reason to believe this will help draw them out of the shadows, or at least slow them down drastically. 

The screen at the front of the room lights up, and ‘Deku’ begins to point at the screen, bringing the specific plan to light. “We’ll start by having Chargebolt short circuit their electrical network. The building is old so it shouldn’t require too much energy before they need to rely on any backup generators, they’ll likely be prepared for this possibility but it’ll at least allow us to stall for time.” The previously anxious expression on his face has been replaced with one of intense focus, like he used to do when mumbling in the middle of a fight, Katsuki wonders if this is the version of Izuku that his students are used to seeing. “We can discuss amongst ourselves who can be in which place next, but I want to make sure we have at least three of you stationed away from the site to act as backup, and to apprehend anyone who happens to get away. The rest of us will be on the front lines, but we have intel that one of their members has a strength-based quirk, so Dynamight and I will deal with them ourselves. That’s mostly because we work best together so I promise I’m not picking favourites.”

He says the last part so casually that Katsuki thinks for a moment that he’d misheard, but the words echo in his mind all the same ‘We work best together…We work best together…We work best together.’ If Katsuki wasn’t at work right now, he’s sure that he’d have collapsed on the ground by now. It doesn’t help that Kaminari wiggles an eyebrow at him, which Katsuki returns with a glare and a cutthroat gesture. Screw trying not to embarrass himself in front of Izuku, he was doing all the embarrassing work on his own!

The other heroes, whom Katsuki still cannot remember the names of, discuss amongst themselves who would be better suited for front vrs rear guard positions. He counts his blessings at being given a role directly, so he doesn’t have to play nice with people he’s known for all of ten minutes. Obviously Katsuki is used to making his own plans, but since he’s been given the role he usually takes for himself anyways, he’s willing to accept it (it definitely has nothing to do with the lingering high of being given so much trust by a certain someone). 

Once all the details of the plan have been figured out, and the police gather their forces, the rest of them head out as well. Darkness has fallen by the time they head out, which gives the perfect cover for those who can get there on their own. Normally Katsuki would be among them, but given that he’s not the quietest person in the world, he generally tries to avoid flying around with his explosions when steath is important. Not to mention the fact that he’d be a hypocrite for complaining about his sleep and then blasting past people’s windows in the otherwise quiet evening. Also normally, he would avoid these sorts of jobs, but ‘Deku’ is putting his trust in him again, so like hell is he gonna screw this shit up. So instead, he drags the remaining few people that can’t fly, Kaminari and two of the other extra heroes, to his car and drives them there himself. 

<~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~>

As usual, the operation goes off mostly without a hitch. There was a moment where the person with the strength quirk used one of the finished vials and then proceeded to wreck havoc on his own operation, and the building itself for a solid few minutes before the two of them managed to bring him down. Unfortunately this meant that the ‘secret’ operation quickly drew a crowd, though it was a relatively small one considering the location and time of day. Luckily, because the two of them were the only ones engaging directly, no one was seriously injured when the buidling collapsed. The guy's plan was rushed last minute though, because he hardly managed to put up much of a fight despite his increased muscle strength and speed. Clearly none of them had been prepared for a raid to happen tonight, let alone with so many capable people leading the charge.  

Despite the slight setback, he works with ‘Deku’ flawlessly, and for a while it almost feels like they’re back in school again, fighting side by side against the world and then some. But the high has to end eventually, as police cars take away the apprehended suspects and all the gathered heroes have to part ways to write their reports. There are no teachers to herd them back to campus anymore, no professionals to handle all the boring paperwork that comes with their line of work, instead they must take up that mantle and drag themselves to the police headquarters for statements, and then home after the long day. 

Still, ‘Deku’ still has big shoes to fill, ones he himself created, so he stays the longest out of anyone, chatting with the other pros like they’ve known each other forever, even when Kaminari leaves ahead of the rest with one of the officers. It’s no surprise really, even without his quirk ‘Deku’ is in high demand for things like his analysis abilities or just general experience. So naturally, he’s probably worked with nearly every agency in the country at this point, very rarely does he get to lead a mission like this one. 

Katsuki hates the way his gaze is constantly drawn to the easy smile on ‘Deku’s’ face as he chats with the others, debriefing each other on what went down and how they’d deal with the fallout. It’s only after all the others leave that Izuku finally turns in his direction, and his face almost seems to light up. “Oh Kacchan! Sorry, I didn’t realize you were waiting for me to finish up.”

‘Clearly,’ he bites back the bitter response and instead focuses on the actual reason for waiting this long. Katsuki pulls the car keys out of his pocket and jingles them in front of him, “I know you don’t have your license yet idiot, how else were you gonna get home?”

Izuku at least has the decency to look embarrassed, “Ah, well, I hadn’t gotten that far yet.”

Typical. He would have probably ended up swinging between buildings all the way if Katsuki didn’t offer him a ride. He rolls his eyes, “Just get in the damn car.”

“Ah-yes, okay!”

By some miracle, the drive back to the precinct isn’t as horrendously awkward as he had expected. Adulthood has mellowed Izuku out some, or at least Katsuki assumes by the fact that he hardly talks at all, simply stares out the window at the passing buildings with a soft smile.

Izuku sighs, and stretches out his shoulders, “Man it feels good to be back home.”

“It hasn’t been that long since you were back here, you know.”

“I know, I know. It just feels nice whenever I get to come back, no matter how long it’s been. I love being able to travel around and help so many people, but sometimes I need to come home to really feel the impact that makes.” 

He takes it back, clearly Izuku still knows how to talk a lot when it’s something he’s passionate about. It makes him feel a sense of relief somehow, to know that at least one of them manages to find purpose in everything he does. “Was this raid the only reason you came back this time, or do you have other shit you need to do?” 

“Well I know my mom’s been practically begging for me to visit so that’s the other reason I wanted to come back now.” (Katsuki swallows the bitter feeling in his throat that tells him he’s only an afterthought.) “Oh, and Kirishima texted me about meeting up in a few days with everyone so I’ll definitely be staying until then!”

Kirishima had sent him an identical text yesterday, obviously committed to reuniting as many people as possible, Katsuki rolls his eyes a little, though he appreciates the attempt to keep them tightknit. He hums, “Guess I’ll see you there then.”

Again, Izuku turns that blinding smile towards him, and Katsuki feels his heart within the box tighten. 

<~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~>

Against every bit of judgement he’s ever had, Katsuki finds himself back on a familiar web page as soon as he gets home that night. It’s like something has possessed him, looking desperately for any hope that his obvious yearning has disappeared. Of course, his hopes end up dashed as soon as he opens the new blog post about today’s mission and the header image is a close up aerial shot that one of the news helicopters had managed to grab. The image features the two of them standing side by side, reigning victorious over their foe, whose limp body is slumped against a wall of the alleyway. In the photo, you can clearly see the extended glance Katsuki had given ‘Deku,’ as if waiting to be acknowledged. Damnit, he hadn’t even realized he’d done that!

Biting his lip almost hard enough to draw blood, he continues to scroll down the page, ignoring the now violent shuddering of the box, chains rattling dangerously in his ears. The rest of the post gives a play by play of how the fight went down, fangirling over the cool duo moves while also analyzing how well they stayed in sync. The writer had even managed to catch a moment of the broadcast discussing the aftermath where, despite his best efforts to stay hidden from the cameras, Katsuki is very clearly standing at the edge of the crowd waiting. 

Katsuki launches himself onto the bed, and buries his face in the pillow. He doesn’t even have the energy to close the web browser this time before the box tumbles over and the insides overwhelm him. It feels like he can’t breathe, like he’s surrounded by the physical manifestation of everything he’s been trying to avoid for years. How he’d finally realized his feelings for Izuku just as the other got into a relationship with the girl he’d been crushing on for years. How he’d felt abandoned when Izuku took more and more jobs across Japan, in other countries entirely. How he’d felt useless when he learned about Izuku’s injuries from news broadcasts rather than from the man himself. How he’d felt totally and utterly alone the more sparse the messages got, when others seemed to hear from him all the time while he got nothing. Everything is just Izuku, Izuku, Izuku, and he feels like he may be going insane, like he may have gone insane ages ago. 

He lets out a desperate cry, taking hold of his chest as if he could reach inside and close the box himself. He’s done it before, and he’ll do it again, he has to, before the feelings devour him and leave an empty shell behind. He takes them all in his hands and shoves them back inside, deep, deeper than before. This time he’ll make an even better box, reinforced with steel and padlocks, so nothing will ever be able to escape again. 

Chapter Text

By some miracle, Katsuki manages to survive the next few days until the date Kirishima had set for the party (it was really just a small get-together, but Kirishima will take any chance he can get to call something a ‘party’). Yaoyorozu offers to hold them all at her house, just as she had when they were students, being rich has its perks afterall. She’s also the one that offers to pick most of them up, given she has the means for it, but Katsuki prefers to bring himself alone. If he’s going to face Izuku and Uraraka together he’s going to need all the private time he can get beforehand.

When he arrives, just thirty minutes past the set start time, he gives himself fifteen extra minutes in the car just to mentally prepare himself. He plants his forehead on the wheel, gazing at the well manicured lawn next to Yaoyorozu’s driveway. Maybe if he tells himself it’ll be fine enough times it will magically become true. After his fifteen minutes are up, Katsuki takes a last deep breath and approaches what seems like his death, but will really just be awkward at most. 

He texts Yaoyorozu that he’s here, and enters without knocking. He thinks it’s stupid of her to keep it unlocked even though she’s expecting guests, even though the amount of pro heroes in the house should deter anyone smart enough to actually try and break in. 

Should, being the operative word, Katsuki thinks of that shitty ass summer camp in first year that he gets flashes of sometimes, like the memory of being kidnapped will never leave him. Though, he supposes, that might not be something a person can get over. And even besides that, coming into someone’s house without being directly welcomed makes him feel like a delinquent. Damn rich people he swears to himself. 

Kirishima immediately gets up from his seat when Katsuki turns the corner and speedwalks over to pull him into a hug, “Aw man I’m so glad you ended up coming afterall.”

Katsuki sends him a toothy grin, “Hey, you know I could never blow off your dumb ass.”

Yaoyorozu, having heard the ruckus of everyone sending greetings his way, peeks her head out from the kitchen, “Oh hello Bakugou, it’s good to see you! I’m just getting drinks for people, do you want anything?”

“Nah I’ll just drink some tap water,” Katsuki waves her off, which earns a resounding ‘booo’ from Kaminari, who is already a couple shades redder than he is normally. “Hey, if any of you want a drive home then you’ll shut it.” To Kaminari’s credit, he does ‘shut it,’ but he’s clearly not happy about it from the way his mouth molds into a pout. 

The others, unperturbed by the customary drunk Kaminari behaviour, are ultimately more interested in the conversation of who in ‘Big Brother’ they think should ‘go home’ that week, whatever that means. Katsuki has never been big into American shows of that variety so he just silently rolls his eyes at Mina and Hagakure’s ranting. 

Now that he’s focused on the girls though, he notices something strange. Uraraka is sitting in the middle of the couch, laughing along with their antics and nodding along to their points, though there is a twinge of sadness in her expression whenever she grows silent; like the smile she has is taking all of her power to maintain. The other abnormal thing about the situation is that Izuku is nowhere to be found, even after he’s spent twenty minutes listening to Kirishima passionately recount his recent experience teaming up with Fatgum’s agency. 

Normally, Izuku and Uraraka always come to these events together. They would be practically attached at the hip if not for both of their hero careers keeping them apart a lot of the time. It’s been the same for at least the past two years, a natural evolution to the easy friendship they had through all of high school. Katsuki can only assume that her hidden sadness and his absence are related, the twisting in his chest that always comes from thinking about their relationship is eclipsed by the headache he gets imagining what Izuku could have possibly screwed up to make her upset.  

“I mean, obviously I’ve worked with him in the past during internships and stuff, but it's like a totally different league when it's our separate agencies collabing with each other y’know?” Kirishima’s voice takes him out of the thought spiral that threatened to consume him, Katsuki internally chides himself, he’s here to hang out with his friends, the damn nerd had nothing to do with it. “Like, I get to actually be involved with planning and stuff. It’s a lot of responsibility but luckily we get along with each other really well at this point so stuff gets done super quickly.”

“‘Course it's a lot of responsibility, but not more than co-owning your own agency idiot, and you do that well enough.”

“Well yeah, but Fatgum has a bunch of new side kicks, and I always feel like I gotta impress them! I wonder if I’ll get to meet any new interns from this year of hero course students…”

For once, Katsuki is the one to initiate touch, he casually throws his arm around Kirishima’s shoulders, “You’re literally one of the strongest people ever, of course they’ll be impressed. If they’re not then fuck ‘em, clearly they don’t know what they’re talking about.”

Kirishima pulls him into a bonecrushing hug, at least he doesn’t accidentally activate his quirk like he has multiple times in the past, “Aw bro, you’re like, the best at cheering me up.”

“Hah! Sounds like you have low standards.”

“Don’t be silly, man! You always tell it like it is, stops me from overthinking. Plus if you say I’m impressive then obviously I’m going to believe you.”

Katsuki tries and fails to suppress the embarrassment that rises in his throat, on one hand it’s nice to be acknowledged in that way, to know that you’re not completely failing at friendship. But on the other hand, Kirishima has no idea how far Katsuki has fallen from his own standards. “Yeah yeah, just, shut up and move on already.” 

Kirishima’s smile widens, but relents after seeing Katsuki’s harsh glare, “So anyways, about Amajiki-”

Over the course of the conversation, others soon begin to join in and begin sharing their own experiences and collaborations over the past few months. Although Katsuki doesn’t have much to add on the topic, given that he’s been mostly staying in one place for a while, the others have been leading very colourful lives. 

For example, Uraraka’s hero support program she runs has gained even more traction after Todoroki shared his experience using their services, though she jokingly complains that of course Mr. Heartthrob (her words) had to be the reason she got more work. Jirou has recently returned from a joint hero work + music stint in America, which is apparently the source of the girls’ recent obsession with old reality TV (she seems to regret bringing home the dusty DVD she’d found in the agency office, though she doesn’t say as such out loud). On the otherhand, Ojiro shyly admits that he’s on leave right now due to spraining his tail, emphasized by the conspicuous tension bandage wrapped around the majority of the mid-section. 

The others are also helpful about filling in the missing dots about the people unable to attend tonight. Like how Tokoyami is personally working with Hawks to investigate old information leaks in the HPSC and how they relate to the commission's past scandals. Koda and Shoji are still travelling around the country and beyond, sharing their advocacy work with heteromorphs of all ages, joining in on their continued protests and rallies. Things have improved drastically in the past ten years but the fight for them seems to continue onward, and there is always another child like them that could use a solid role model. Hagakure cries, tears highlighting the edges of her invisible face as she recounts how well her meetings with Aoyama have been lately, how he and his family have largely recovered both emotionally and legally, though of course the scars still remain. Meanwhile Kirishima laughs as he recounts the way Iida sent a formal letter to the agency, stamp and all, explaining that he would be unable to attend social gatherings for the next month due to an international hero event partly hosted by his family. 

The moral of the story is that, compared to Katsuki, everyone seems way more fulfilled in their work, like every day is exciting for them as they commit to the dream they’ve been chasing for over a decade at this point. While the others are constantly involved in underground work and secret missions, where their involvement is paramount to the mission’s success. Meanwhile Katsuki has allowed himself to be satisfied mostly with chasing after convenience store robbers and purse snatchers, letting out an explosion or two for intimidation rather than damage. 

He’s not stupid, Katsuki knows that all forms of crime stopping is helpful, no matter how small the scale, but there are many people in the country that have the capabilities to do this sort of thing, what makes him different really? Katsuki thought he’d accepted the fact that he isn’t truly special, not when everyone else around him also is, but when did the difference between himself and his old friends become so obvious?

The conversation halts when, 90 minutes after the party’s start time, and 45 minutes after Katsuki has arrived, the front door opens again. Yaoyorozu gets up to make sure it’s not actually someone breaking in this time, but she stops when Izuku rushes into the room, his hair a mess. “I’m so sorry everyone! I got caught up doing some incident reports and other paperwork so it took me forever to get here, but I finally made it!”

A few people cheer and immediately rush over to greet him, while the more intoxicated members of the group yell at him from the couch. Izuku apologises profusely, says that he’s gotten behind on lesson plans, and then half his class needed after-school help, and he can’t afford to fall behind on grading too so he took care of that as well. Katsuki narrows his eyes at the litany of excuses, files it away among all the other suspicious things happening around him, and tries to ignore how the idiot’s eye bags are much deeper than usual. Clearly this isn’t the only day this week he’s neglected himself in favour of his day job. 

Finally, Izuku’s soft eyes turn to him, and Katsuki rolls his eyes, “Took you long enough idiot.”

Izuku looks at him sheepishly, “Sorry Kacchan, if I knew you were here I would’ve tried to finish up a lot faster.”

Katsuki fights to suppress a sputter, but then thinks about it for a couple seconds ‘Why me and not your girlfriend??’ The idiot is soon dragged, literally, into another group, and Katsuki is left to consider the situation again. His gaze drifts over to the couch where Uraraka still sits even though Katsuki knows for sure she’s hardly drunk anything tonight, she gives Izuku a wave before returning to her mission of attempting to force Mina to drink more water. ‘What the hell is going on?’

Once everyone gets over their excitement, they return to the circle of furniture and the conversation moves on to something completely unrelated to hero work. The interruption gave everyone time to stretch their legs and switch positions with each other. Now, Mina and Kirishima are cuddled up next to each other, he has an arm around her shoulder and one of her hands lays across his chest. Jirou not so subtly allows her touches to linger on Kaminari longer than necessary, and she also doesn’t complain when he drunkenly leans on her, mumbling something about overloading. Yaoyorozu stares at the two of them with a deep fondness, which Katsuki notices but doesn’t dare comment on. Katsuki is a lot of things, but he refuses to let ‘ a hypocrite’ be one of them. 

It’s at this moment that Katsuki begins to feel horrendously alone along with everything else. He’s surrounded by everyone he cares about, not just now, but in his day to day life. He is never truly alone, always working together with someone on a mission, on daily patrols, or even through a phone or TV screen. Still, there’s this divide between himself and the others that he can’t quite comprehend. ‘Why is it that they’re always so close, yet it feels like I’m so far behind them?’ 

The more he thinks about it, the harder it is to grasp at an answer to this question that eats at him suddenly. Surely, eventually, someone will notice whatever expression has found its way to his face, and they’ll call attention to it, and everyone will be concerned and, and. Katsuki can’t be the reason the mood gets ruined, so instead he stands up, ignores Yaoyorozu’s instructions on how to get to the bathroom and instead sneaks upstairs, where he knows he’ll get some privacy. 

<~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~>

It’s chilly outside in just a t-shirt, but Katsuki doesn’t really mind. He’s positive that his nerves would have him sweating bullets otherwise and he doesn’t particularly want to get his mildly toxic sweat all over Yaoyorozu’s carefully cleaned railings. The night itself is silent, but Katsuki can just barely hear the muffled conversations downstairs through the open porch door. 

‘They seem to be having a lot of fun without me’ He thinks to himself and frowns. “They just think you’re in the bathroom Katsuki of course they’re not going to drop everything to hang out with you.” He sighs, though his own rationalization of the situation does very little to calm the storm of anxiety brewing in his stomach. 

Katsuki is so sick of being lost in his thoughts, he’s been off his game for almost an entire month now, and he can no longer delude himself into thinking that it’ll just blow over. He’s never been good at dealing with his emotions but he thought he’d been getting better at hiding it at least. But of course, everything had to be ruined by the damned idiot, just like it always is. He sighs, wondering if he should go on vacation or something, definitely for a break and not to run away from his problems. 

Just as he’s considering which country would be the best place to visit for a week, the balcony door behind him opens. Katsuki whips his head around as if caught doing something he shouldn’t and of course, of fucking course, its the exact person that has been, has always really, haunted his life. 

“Oh, sorry Kacchan, I didn’t realize you were out here.” Izuku’s holding a half full glass of amber liquid, his face lightly flushed red. It’s only been fifteen or twenty minutes since Katsuki left, so what the hell was Izuku’s issue? “I’ll leave you alone.” 

Izuku turns to leave, and Katsuki reaches out to grab his wrist before he can stop himself, “Stay here dumbass, just don’t talk my ear off alright?”

“A-ah okay, if you insist!”

Katsuki didn’t think it would be possible, but Izuku manages to stay silent for a solid 7 minutes, though he’s so fidgety the whole time that Katsuki almost wishes he’d just get it over with and say what’s on his mind. 

Finally, Izuku downs the rest of his drink and sighs, “Can I tell you something Kacchan?”

Katsuki swallows the sudden weight in his throat with great difficulty, “Uh, yeah sure.”

Izuku opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again, and freezes. He sighs and puts his head in his hands for a few seconds before abruptly getting up and walking back over to the railing. Katsuki follows, though he stays a couple steps away to give him some semblance of privacy. Something about this entire situation feels bizarre, wrong, like the news Izuku has for him will mean nothing, yet be earth shattering all the same. 

“The truth is…Ochaco and I broke up.”

If Katsuki was drinking anything, he’s sure he would end up spitting it over the edge. He manages not to sputter, though his eyes widen as he processes the new information, “Oh.”

“Yeah…” Izuku smiles, though this one is twinged with a deep sadness. “She wanted to tell me before the party so we could figure stuff out before then.”

Well, that certainly explained a lot, why they had arrived separately, why no one brought up the idea of romance or dating even though it’s often a constant conversation topic among them. It also explains the other suspicious behaviour he’d noticed, like how Uraraka hardly acknowledged Izuku’s existence at all, and why Yaoyorozu and Jirou kept sending strange looks their way. The only thing it doesn’t explain is why the hell he seems to be the last person to know about this. 

The bitterness he’d been suppressing for ages now seems to bubble up inside him, he hates being left behind, and he hates it even more when the distance is intentional. “Yeah, it seems like you managed to figure out a way to tell everyone about this before now. Do you have some kind of group chat or some shit?”

Izuku, for all his stupid mistakes and life decisions, is well practiced in the ‘Katsuki’ language, and manages to catch subtleties in his voice that he didn’t even intend to pass on. So obviously, he immediately recognizes the insecurity in Katsuki’s tone, that what he’s truly asking about is whether or not they talk about important stuff behind his back. “No, not at all! I got the list of everyone attending from Kirishima, then I messaged all the guys separately and Ochaco messaged the girls. It was mainly because we weren’t comfortable with them bringing it up, and we knew that most of them would want to talk about relationship stuff. I know you wouldn’t mention that kinda stuff unprompted, and I wanted to update you about it in person anyways. I didn’t mean to make you feel left out.”

Katsuki’s face burns a little in embarrassment, “I wasn’t feeling left out dumbass, just wanted to make sure you weren’t keeping me in the dark cause you were scared I’d make fun of you or something.”

“Of course not Kacchan, I know you wouldn’t do something like that.” 

‘Do you really?’ Katsuki wonders to himself, biting his lip, ‘What do you really know about me anymore?’ 

He clears his throat, pushing the thoughts away, “D’ya wanna talk about how it went down?”

Izuku’s gaze wanders somewhere beyond the horizon, lost in his thoughts, “I thought I was balancing everything okay, but it turns out I was only balancing myself.” He sniffles, somehow he’d managed to not break down so far, though that could change again at any moment. “Obviously I feel terrible about it in general, but I mostly feel awful about the way I’ve been treating her for months. She’s always been great at being a pillar for me to lean on but turns out I’ve been a terrible one back.”

By the end of his rant, tears are running down Izuku’s cheeks, though they are uncharacteristically silent. 

“Well that sucks,” It's true, obviously, and Katsuki won’t pretend to be good at comfort, Izuku wouldn’t have come to him for this talk if he expected him to. “You really okay hanging out with her after that?”

“Of course,” He responds, as if it's obvious, as if the pain of rejection isn’t something that long lives underneath your skin, perhaps until the body itself dies. “Given what she told me, this has been a long time coming, and regardless of everything she’s still my best friend. It isn’t something we can really get past as a couple, but it’s a problem I don’t plan on repeating regardless of how we define our relationship.”

“When the hell did you get so mature?” Katsuki pointedly ignores the thorns that dig into him at the words ‘best friend’ being used for someone else. Obviously he hadn’t been Izuku’s best friend for a long damn time, so why are his insides being ripped up at the mere verbal confirmation? 

“Hey don’t tease me Kacchan, that’s mean.” Despite the pout now sitting on his face, it’s clear that Izuku’s mood has improved a considerable amount. 

Katsuki can’t help but smile at the expression, he grabs onto Izuku’s wrist again, this time dragging him to the door, “C’mon, if we’re out here any longer everyone will start to get concerned.” 

Izuku laughs as he almost trips over his own feet trying to follow, and it instantly makes Katsuki think that suppressing his feelings is worth it if it means he can hear it again and again. 

<~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~>

The next morning Katsuki is woken up again by a message from Izuku, he’s prepared to be thoroughly disappointed like last time, but instead of a vague, mass email, the notification on his phone is a personal text message from the man himself. Putting caution to the wind, he opens it to find a long winded paragraph, followed by a series of corrections, each in one word replies to himself, which Katsuki pointedly ignores, rolling his eyes. 

Hey Kacchan, thanks again for listening to me last night, it really helped :)

Given the situation, I booked off a few more days over the next couple weeks so I could hang out with people. The truth is that I did miss everyone a lot. I’ve spent a lot of time alone the past couple days so I’ve had time to think, that, combined with the party last night, made me realize that I’ve been neglecting my social life to focus on work. Sir Nighteye taught me that everything in hero work requires balance, so now I’m going to put effort into finding a balance that works with everyone.

That being said, I see now that it was unfair to leave you out of the loop about my life updates, even if it was only for a little while, so I wanna make sure we hang out for old time’s sake. You said yourself that I’ve gotten more mature, so here I am communicating all of my intentions.

Sorry! No take backsies! Now send me your schedule or I’ll get Kirishima to find it for me :D

-Izuku

Katsuki isn’t sure if he should laugh, cry, or collapse into bed and never come back out. Somehow, none of those options seem like enough. On one hand, he’s been not so secretly yearning for Izuku’s company and attention for ages, but on the other, he’d already decided to completely destroy those feelings. This is a terrible idea, yet his brain can’t work fast enough to stop him from responding.

K

Before he can question his decision, Katsuki rushes to send a screenshot of his schedule for this week, and the next two for good measure. He’s so good at pretending to not be desperate. He’s pathetic

Chapter Text

As his luck usually dictates, none of Katsuki’s days off for the rest of the month match the days that Izuku had been able to take off. He’s almost ready to give up entirely, but Izuku magically manages to switch some stuff around so they can at least eat together during lunch. Katsuki tries not to hope that Izuku is just as desperate to hang out as he is. 

They meet at a shitty fast food place near the agency, normally Katsuki would never step foot in here, but they have a couple salads that aren’t half bad if he ignores how everything comes just a little too soggy for his liking. Like usual, Izuku shows up a couple minutes late still in his suit from work, tie slightly askew. 

“A few students failed the review test we did yesterday, I hope it's not because I wasn’t clear enough in the instructions.” Izuku worries his lip in between his teeth.

Katsuki shrugs, “There’s always gonna be a couple that just don’t study enough, maybe they’ll figure their shit out by the time the actual test rolls around. And if not then they can accept the consequences of their actions and make it up later.”

“Yeah of course they’ll have the chance to redo it, I just wanna remove any potential variables first.”

“Eh, they’re just first years ‘Zuku, I say let them know what things’ll be like for them going forward if they slack off and don’t ask you to clarify things themselves.” Katsuki catches Izuku smiling wider at him, and he suddenly feels nervous, “What?”

“It’s just been a while since you called me that is all,” When he catches Katsuki’s glare, Izuku waves his hands to placate him. “Ah I mean, I’m just really happy to be able to hang out with you like this again.”

Katsuki suppresses a sigh, he didn’t even mean to let that old nickname slip out, he’d just been so comfortable in the moment, forgetting his place. It felt right somehow, now he just feels like he’d overstepped his own boundaries. “You have sauce on your face by the way.”

Izuku gasps, his face instantly reddening by a few shades as he scrambles to grab a napkin, so dramatic as always. “Geez you really know how to spoil a moment.”

‘Don’t I know it’, Katsuki grumbles internally. 

Years of hero work, on top of years at UA, have trained Katsuki to always watch the entrances of any building he’s in. Although petty crimes like random robberies, especially during the day, have greatly decreased, it's a habit he doesn’t think he’ll let go of any time soon. So, every time the automatic door at the entrance opens, Katsuki’s gaze is instantly drawn over to it; he’s sure that Izuku would be the same way if he wasn’t facing the wrong direction. 

Of course, following his trend of rotten fucking luck, the next time the door opens, a familiar face walks in. 

Jirou enters the restaurant casually with her guitar hanging off her back, seemingly coming from practice the way her fingers look red from plucking at the strings. It doesn’t take long for her gaze to wander in their direction, and her eyes light up, “Oh hey guys, what’s up?”

Katsuki just gives her a friendly wave to suppress the intrinsic urge to shoo her away.

Izuku doesn’t seem nearly as bothered by the sudden intrusion, “It’s good to see you! We were just hanging out here during our lunch breaks.” 

“Oh awesome, you didn’t talk to each other much at the party after you came back so I was concerned that something had happened. Good to see I was wrong about that.” 

Katsuki clears his throat to stop her from voicing any more of her ‘keen observations’, “Nah we’re fine.”

She smiles, relieved, then seems to remember something, “Since you guys are here.” Jirou reaches into the outside compartment of her guitar case and pulls out a couple folded pieces of paper. On the front is a bright graphic with her band’s new logo, including details on where and when the next show would be, Katsuki recognizes the venue as the one a few blocks away from his apartment. “I know this is kinda short notice but our application to this place got accepted super late so we kinda rushed to get everything together.”

“That’s totally okay,” Izuku’s endless enthusiasm appears to calm the nerves beginning to show on her face. “That actually works super well cause I have a couple cases set up after this weekend, so it’s perfect timing.”

Water can do nothing to parch Katsuki’s suddenly dry throat at the bitter reminder that their time is limited, even more so by the fact that Izuku’s free time until now has been spread thin by other people’s demands to hang out. And after this, everything is sure to go back to the way it was before, with Izuku constantly away from home and Katsuki left with a bottomless yearning he tries desperately to carve out. 

“Hope to see you both there,” Jirou says over her shoulder as she waves goodbye.

“Hey Kacchan we should totally go, I’ll be off work that time of night and I remember you’re off this Friday,” Izuku looks at him expectantly.

Of course he managed to memorize his schedule, which means there’s really no way for Katsuki to deny him. Although, realistically, there’s no way he would have been able to deny him this anyways, “Alright alright, I’ll even pick you up if you want.”

Izuku cheers, “Yay! I’m so excited to see what kinda stuff they’ve come up with since I last saw them.” He pauses suddenly, eyes widening, “Kacchan I just realized that…I have no idea where this concert is gonna be, or how to dress, or how I’m supposed to act. And, oh, should I go undercover?”

Katsuki stares at him, unimpressed, “Why are you overthinking this shit so much? It’s not some fancy work event where you gotta impress some extras. Plus the host is literally right there, just go ask if there’s a dress code or whatever.”

Izuku’s gaze wanders back and forth from his half finished meal on the table, to Jirou at the counter placing her order. He looks back at him, “Ah, Kacchan do you mind if I-?” Katsuki waves him off nonchalantly, peeking at his phone to hide the frown and bitten lip. “Okay, I’ll be right back!”

He follows Jirou to where she’s waiting and lets her rattle off some more details of this new show, and then listens intently as she starts ranting about the ups and downs of practice, reminiscing about the times they got to perform together at school. 

Katsuki bites down on the tip of his shitty paper straw as he watches them from across the restaurant, glaring at Jirou as she chats so easily with Izuku by the pick-up counter, the conversation fades easily into the various restaurant sounds. The guitar case on her back swings back and forth as she taps her foot to some unheard rhythm. It’s not that he doesn’t like her obviously, but he’s annoyed that she interrupted them even if unintentionally, he’d feel the same no matter who it was. Logically it makes no sense to be really upset about any of this, they were just hanging out, casually, as friends, at a popular venue in the middle of the city where a lot of their friends worked. It’s totally normal for someone to come in and start chatting with them too, it’s not like they were on some private date (which is an image he tries not to think about too hard.)

Katsuki takes a deep breath to settle his inner monologue as Izuku returns to the table, “Alright I’m all set, sorry for worrying so much.”

“Hah, as if it’s possible for you not to.”

“Hey! I can totally do things without overthinking it beforehand!”

The bickering continues that way until the time comes for Izuku to catch his train which, naturally, he panics about as he rushes out the door last minute. Katsuki smiles to himself at the typical display and looks down at the flyer in his hands. He wonders if anyone else will be going or if it’ll be just him and Izuku, his heart flutters a bit at the thought but he stomps it down quickly. There’s no way he’ll allow himself to misinterpret it as a date, even though a certain part of him really wants to. Katsuki focuses himself on the box in his chest and is pleased by the silent chains, though in its place is a sense of melancholy.

<~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~>

As much as Katsuki made fun of Izuku for overthinking every aspect of going to a casual concert, once Friday rolls around he also finds himself panicking about what to wear. Obviously nothing too fancy or he’d be over dressed, but he wants to at least put some effort into his appearance. People wear jeans to concerts all the time right? And the venue is just a small bar, not some fancy club or restaurant. He sighs, resigning himself to one of his regular outfits, jeans and a tank-top (miraculously he manages to find one without visible sweat or blood stains from wearing it under his uniform). It’s not like there’s anyone to impress anyways so it’s fine, at least that’s what he tells himself. 

He picks up Izuku and drives them back over to his neighbourhood right on time, like hell is he gonna let the idiot be late on his watch. Jirou’s band is still setting up when they arrive, but the bar is filled with a sort of casual energy that one can expect on a Friday night. Izuku’s looking a little more fidgety than normal, which Katsuki just assumes is lingering anxiety from being in a new environment, so he immediately goes over to the bar to order a beer. 

In the meantime, Katsuki scans the crowd to check if any of their friends have also decided to show up, but doesn’t see any familiar faces among them. A part of him is relieved to finally have Izuku to himself, but the other part is concerned about it being awkward. ‘Isn’t this the kind of place where people go on dates?’ he wonders to himself, but manages to shake the thoughts off before they go down a scary path. 

Izuku comes back a minute later with a soda in one hand and a fruity cocktail in the other. He sticks his tongue out when he catches Katsuki giving him a raised eyebrow, “What? Can I not have my sweet girly drink?”

Katsuki laughs, “It’s not ‘girly’ I just didn’t know you had such a sweet tooth when it comes to alcohol, and I just thought you'd get a beer or whatever like usual.”

“There’s a lot about my adult habits you don’t know about Kacchan.”

“Ah..yeah I guess so.” He regrets even pointing it out in the first place. 

Sensing the sudden tension, Izuku takes a few big gulps of his drink and almost chokes on an ice cube. Katsuki laughs so hard at his stupid face that he’s almost able to forget why he’d been worried. 

Luckily, they’re both saved by any further awkwardness by Jirou’s band finally finishing their set up. She introduces the band to the growing crowd that slowly shifts towards the stage, encouraged by their cheers. Her eyes track the room and her smile widens when she catches them near the back, Izuku gives her an enthusiastic wave when their eyes meet. 

Jirou is electric onstage, her confident voice and powerful guitar gets the entire crowd into it, carried by the other members backing up her vocals. Even Katsuki finds himself getting into it, just not so much that he misses when Izuku goes back to the bar twice in the first ten minutes. He frowns, maybe he really isn't used to the other’s drinking habits but he at least knows that Izuku is a bit of a lightweight. Normally it’s not something he’d be concerned about, but this time he’s the one that’s gonna have to make sure Izuku gets home safe, and it’s not like he has a girlfriend anymore to help take care of his hangover. 

The third time he returns, he places his drink on the table before walking around to Katsuki’s side. Izuku’s face is pretty flushed already, and he has a wide grin on his face as he puts an arm around his shoulder. “Kacchaaaan, you look so prettyyy.”

Katsuki pauses a moment, unsure if he heard correctly in the loud atmosphere, “Uhhh, what?”

“I saaaaid,” Izuku leans in closer, arm sliding down to Katsuki’s waist. “You’re really pretty, an’ I like lookin’ at you.”

In other circumstances, Katsuki would love to hear those words, but in this context, right now, it feels like a bucket of ice water has been poured over him. The music in the background fades to static that rises in volume as he stares straight ahead, cause if he looks at Izuku right now he might lose it. He licks his lips to rid them of their sudden dryness, “Right…I think you should maybe chill out on the drinks.” That’s it, right, Izuku was drinking to deal with his recent breakup, and just happened to be the type of person that gets flirty when he’s drunk, it's not like they've drunk much together, maybe this is normal. 

“Aw, but sober ‘zuku is too scaaaared to say this stuff,” Ignoring Katsuki’s advice, he reaches over the table with his free hand and takes another big gulp while his other hand holds on even tighter. “He’s also too stupid to act on his feelings, so I gotta take initiative. But I promise it’s all true! You look really good and I got so distracteeed, I wanna look at you like, all the tiiiime.” He rests his head on Katsuki’s shoulder, letting out a pleased sigh at the contact. 

Katsuki suddenly feels like he’s suffocating, the hand around his waist feels like a death grip and Izuku’s head on his shoulder feels like a curse. He shoves him off, ignoring the soft ‘oof’ sound beside him and heads for the entrance. He half bolts to the parking lot behind the building and unlocks his car. He'd been hoping for a bit of silence to question his life choices but of course that was a pipe dream. 

Rapid steps come up behind him, and Izuku miraculously manages to get all the way across the parking lot with only a few stumbles along the way, “Wait Kacchan, is something wrong?”

Katsuki turns on his heel before Izuku can get closer, “Yes there’s something wrong, what the actual hell were you doing in there?”

The confused look on Izuku’s face fills him with a rage that almost entirely overshadows the overwhelming anxiety swirling inside him, “What do you mean?”

“You can’t just fucking touch me like that okay? And I don’t want you to flirt with me like its some fucking joke. I don’t care that you’re drunk, don’t fucking do that shit.”

Izuku seems to sober up rather quickly as Katsuki raises his voice, “Kacchan I swear I’m not actually that drunk, I at least know what I’m doing.”

Katsuki grabs a bundle of Izuku’s shirt in his fist, “Then why the hell were you acting all touchy? That’s not the kinda shit ‘friends’ do in case you weren’t aware.”

“I am aware, and it’s because I wanted to.”

“Don’t fucking play with me asshole!” Katsuki clenches his fists at his side, god he feels so stupid. He should have shoved the dumbass off the moment he started touching him, told him to keep his fucking hands to himself, shouldn’t have allowed him to drink so much; maybe Katsuki shouldn’t have come tonight at all. “You can’t just fucking come onto me like that outta nowhere, how the fuck did you expect me to react?”

Izuku at least has the dignity to look embarrassed, face flushed and looking like he wants to excape as if that makes up for the shame building in Katsuki’s stomach, “I really didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I’m sorry.”

The painfully genuine look on his face only makes Katsuki’s anger burn hotter, “What the fuck is wrong with you Izuku. I’m not some fucking rebound cause your girlfriend got sick of you.” He’s an idiot for thinking that Izuku’s reasons for wanting to hang out were because he wanted to get closer again. Of course Izuku came to him with some fucking sob story just to lure him into whatever the fuck this shitshow was supposed to be. 

“What?! I don’t see you as some replacement, you could never replace her!” Izuku gasps, realizing the error, or realizing he spilled the beans without meaning to, Katsuki isn’t sure. “Wait, Kacchan I didn’t mean it like that I swear.”

Katsuki’s anger freezes into something unfamiliar, it leaves him hollow, like everything inside him had been eaten up as fuel. Of course he knew that he can never give Izuku the things he truly wants, not like their other friends could, and certainly not like Uraraka could before things fell apart; that doesn’t make the confirmation feel any better. “What fucking ever, I’m going home. Tell Earphones that I felt sick or whatever,and get some other dumbass to drive you home, or call a cab, I don’t care.”

“Wait, I really feel like I need to explain myself.” Izuku has the gall to chase after him, even grabs onto Katsuki’s wrist, a grip which he easily shakes off.

“You’ve explained yourself enough, don’t bother incriminating yourself even further.” Katsuki turns to look at him one more time, he doesn’t even have the energy to glare at him, just stares at the way his lip trembles, eyes watering. “Just make sure you sober up a little before leaving, don’t want you manhandling anyone else.”

He doesn’t wait to see if Izuku tries to stop him again, or if just stays there and cries, it’s not his problem anymore, maybe it never was. Katsuki drives those few blocks home in silence, staring at the dotted line that leads him back to his shitty apartment complex. He fumbles with the key, barely manages it to put it in the lock at all with how much his hands are shaking. Shaking with rage? Sadness? He doesn’t know, the feelings in his chest are tangled in each other, impossible to tell apart. 

Katsuki collapses into bed, tells himself that the wetness on his pillow is just from sweat rolling off his brow, and tries not to feel guilty for stranding Izuku at the bar. The box in his chest, which had stayed blissfully silent, rattles so hard that his chest hurts. He was such a fool for thinking that was enough to truly suppress everything, to keep all the contents at bay. Maybe he should have just thrown them away when he had the chance. 

<~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~>

The next morning comes in a haze, his face still slightly raw, and Katsuki soon realizes that he’d managed to cry himself to sleep like some teenaged loser. He sighs and manages with some effort to force himself to check his phone. Miraculously, Izuku had only sent a few texts after Katsuki left, all within a few minutes of each other.

[I’m home

[I’m really sorry

[Let me know when you’re ready to talk because I really need to tell you some stuff

Like hell, Katsuki suppresses the urge to throw his phone across the room, instead he just tosses it to the foot of the bed and drags himself up to get ready for his weekend shift. At least Izuku had the decency to leave the ball in Katsuki’s court, he knows what would happen if he tries to push the issue, and he trusts Katsuki enough nowadays to respect those boundaries without question. 

Katsuki stares up at the ceiling, as if somehow the cracking paint will be able to provide the answer he’s looking for. Unsurprisingly, he finds nothing, if anything it only makes his mood worse. For once he’s looking forward to a long shift of monotony, the past week has been bad enough, but there’s no way he could catch villains with his usual confidence in this state. Maybe patrolling with Sero will give him a nice change of pace, but he should probably stop relying on a ‘maybe’ when it comes to his own life.