Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Everything he did seemed to be wrong. The day started good overall, he had a great breakfast and didn't even made that big of a fool of himself in front of Logan, just spilled a little bit of milk out of the bowl while trying to wave to him, but otherwise everything felt good. Great even.

But when the children started to wake up, Logan became grumpy again. Like the kids drained all of the happiness from him. On top of that, one of the girls scared Kurt so badly he bamfed right behind Logan, scaring him too. He almost walked away from the kitchen with new set of scars - maybe even without his guts.

By the noon he had spilt tea on his shirt, teleported to a wrong room and caused a big embarassment by it, got hit by a door, and Storm had accidentally stepped on his tail. He felt like shit.

It was late afternoon, he was sitting in their common room, reading a book, trying to get his mind from all the terribly embarassing things that happened today. He didn't want anything more than to go to his room, pray, and go to sleep. He didn't wish for anything else, but something was keeping him from going to his room and call it a day. And that something was sitting right next to him in the armchair.

It was rare for Logan to be in the common room. Most of the time he spent in the school, he was outside, in gym, on missions or in his room, rarely talking to anyone except few chosen people he liked. Or when he needed something from someone. He was just minding his own business, being the all laid back, casual, indifferent, cool and quiet guy. Beautiful. All Kurt wished he could be.

Kurt knew he was staring and he knew that Logan would notice sooner than later. But he was unable to tear his eyes from him, like some invisible force was keeping him from it. He was reading too - it wasn't the same Holy word that Kurt read, if anything, it wasn't much of a book for Kurt at all. So little of text and oh dear Lord, those pictures... Kurt felt blood rushing to his cheek at the sight of the kneeling girl on the cover, looking at him like he was next and... probably looking so sexy. Atleast Kurt thought that's what Logan thought about all those pictures and positions he was studying like it was a textbook.

Was something in him wrong? When he didn't find the girl pretty? She looked nice, yes. Long blond hair, slightly curly, falling over her shoulders but not enough to cover her breasts that looked back at Kurt no matter how hard he tried to not look at them. Was he supposed to feel good now? What was he even supposed to feel when seeing a naked lady that he never even met and never will? What else was there to feel than sadness for her?

Kurt had to emind himself that she probably wanted to take that photo. This is her job and Kurt hoped from the bottom of his heart that she chose this willingly. But still... maybe it was because Logan was the one reading... examining it?

The older man frowned, moving slightly down on the couch, fixing his pants a bit, but not doing much more. "So this is what old Summers think is a good stuff, huh? Saw better during the Civil war."

Kurt didn't know if it was really addressed at him or if Logan just talked to himself. So he remained quiet, turning his gaze from the cover girl to look at his little Bible. He felt a bit weird next to him - Logan was literal sin in flesh. Logan was everything he never wanted to be, yet everything he needed. Everything he yearned for. He drank, he whored around, he... he was happy. Atleast looked content with his life.

How could he look content with his life if he didn't live by the Holy word? How could he be so happy, he - a sinner, while Kurt - a believer, felt miserable? How could-

"Ain't answering me today or what?" Logan growled, turning at Kurt. He looked up quickly, ears flinching back a bit, but he just shrugged, putting the Bible on the coffee table. He looked at the girl on the magazine again, clocking his head to the side a bit.

"I don't know. This is not exactly my type of literature, Logan. I-I didn't read it."

"Yet."

"I don't think I want to read it, Logan," Kurt gulped slightly, watching the pair on the page where Logan ended. She looked like something was hurting her, while he held her by her throat, back pressed against his chest. Kurt sat frozen, watching them, unable to tore his eyes from the sight in front of him. He didn't if he felt hot because it was hot or because he felt a bit sick. Then it hit him. He wasn't aroused. He didn't feel anything Alex told him he was supposed to feel while looking at those pictures.

Logan watched him quietly, before he tossed the magazine on the Bible on the coffee table. He smirked slightly at the blue man. "Well, one never knows before he does't try and see, ya?"

He patted his shoulder, making Kurt flinch slightly, before he disappeared into his room, leaving Kurt in the common room with a porn magazine, only faint smell of whiskey and cigar lingering behind him. Scent that could drive Kurt crazy. He watched the magazine for a moment, before he quickly grabbed it and his Bible and bamfed straight to his room.

Chapter Text

Kurt rubbed his eyes as he paced around his room, trying not to look back at the magazine he threw face down on his sheets in hopes to escape those hungry eyes of the cover girl, only to find out an even more explicit image on the back. He walked back and forth, leaving imprints of his feet on the fluffy carpet. He couldn’t understand why Logan had given it to him. Does he think this is what Kurt does in his free time? Reading… this? Enjoying it?

He gulped and fidgeted slightly with the collar of his shirt. He felt hot. Definitely not good hot. He felt like he was burning alive - maybe with shame, but hey, who is he to judge? Maybe that’s how you’re supposed to feel while watching those magazines. All hot and bothered and embarrassed and… He didn’t really know, this was his first one, his first experience with them and he was pacing here for more than half an hour, trying to find the courage to open it and take a peek. He walked back to his bed, grabbed a pillow and threw it at the magazine. If he doesn’t see it then it’s not there.

But it was there, right there and he knew it was, almost like it was glowing, luring him in - Kurt felt his eyes drawing back to the corner of the magazine that was poking out. He whined slightly and tugged at his hair, painfully. He can’t do this. She was a person too, all of them who were photographed there were their own people, walking in the world outside of this school, not something Kurt or anyone should lust over… no?

He took a deep breath, his fingers finding his cross under his t-shirt. He gently ran his fingers over the sharp edges, as if to remind himself to snap back from the small spell that the magazine (or Logan) seemed to have casted on him. He was quiet for a moment, completely still - then he threw the pillow off on the ground, grabbed the magazine and sat down on the bed.

You can’t hate something you don’t even give a chance to, no? Just a peek. Nothing more, nothing less, just a little peek so he knows what is going on inside. He ignored the cover girl, already seen her enough times to know she is not the one to make him feel the way he was supposed to feel.

On the first page was a slight introduction by the author and on the next was a big photo of a girl in her underwear. Kurt gulped and looked over to the text. An interview with her. Her journey in porn industry. Amazing.

After a few minutes, Kurt realized he’s more interested in the actor’s personal life and experience on set than the photos. Fuck, he must be doing this completely wrong. He didn’t think Logan was really reading those interviews. Maybe if he just watches the photos then it will have that effect on him. Why is it not just a photobook then? Why all those words, those interviews if people buy it just for photos? Kurt didn’t understand.

He looked at the next pair. Same page where Logan ended his reading. Or looking, more likely. Kurt swallowed, watching the girl, trying to feel something, anything. He felt his tail twitch uncomfortably behind him, as he sighed, laying on his back and bringing the magazine up. He bit his lip, slightly piercing the top layer with his fang, a bad habit he kept doing since childhood. He sucked the blood that trickled from his lower lip, before he turned page. Another pair, but now the girl was from behind and not much of her could be seen. He sighed, before his eyes wandered to the man who was making love with her.

Can you call it making it love if those people probably don’t even know each other? He wasn't so sure.

Suddenly his mind stopped just as he wanted to turn to the other page. He watched the man, the slightly buffed, hairy man, that gripped the girl’s hips, holding her tightly to his lap. Kurt swallowed even harder than before, feeling the hotness change. It was like someone switched something inside him, making him move slightly on the bed, trying to find a more comfortable position. Fuck, is this it? Kurt looked around the room, like he was making sure he was alone. No one, the curtains were shut, doors were locked, everything was in its place. He wettened his lips, before his tail traveled up his leg, slowly shimmying its way up. He let out a shaky breath when he finally felt something he hoped to feel the whole time he was watching those pictures.

Before he could stop his tail from travelling under his shorts, one last thought blinked through his mind.

That man looks a lot like Logan.

Chapter Text

The kitchen was quiet. It was early in the morning, basically still night, and Kurt sat alone by the kitchen island, watching milk and cereals in his bowl, as they slowly turned all soggy and disgusting, but he just couldn’t force himself to eat. His mug was still full to the brim with now cold tea and his spoon laid neatly next to his hand.

How do you just go back to your normal routine when you have all of this on your mind all the time?

He felt like his cross was choking him, the same way it did yesterday night when he was whining and moaning and rutting his hips against his tail. He didn’t take it off. Not now, not yesterday. It witnessed everything as it happened. His fingers found it and he closed his eyes for a moment, thinking about everything. This was a terrible mistake. He shouldn’t have taken the magazine with him. He should’ve left it where Logan tossed it, ignoring it completely. Now he felt terrible and didn’t know what to do with himself, how to clean himself from the sin.

He just couldn’t come to Logan or Alex and tell them that their magazines are stupid and ugly and made him feel oh so good. He couldn’t tell them he regretted ever touching that but at the same time not regretting seeing that picture, that one photo in the whole magazine that made him feel something. That made his blood quickened, his heart beating rapidly like it would jump out of his chest, and his dick hard and painful.

He closed his eyes even tighter, crunching up his nose, as he pressed two of his three fingers into the sharp edges of his cross, hoping that the pain would take his mind elsewhere.

The fridge door closed with a slam and Kurt opened his eyes, flinching slightly. Logan opened a beer with his teeth, spitting the lid in the bin. He leaned against the kitchen island from him as he watched him intently. He took a sip of the beer, before he set it down. “Rough night, huh?”

Kurt sighed, shaking his head. “Nein, it was not-”

“Don’t lie to me, bluey. I can tell,” Logan chuckled, taking another sip like it was water. Kurt watched him, frowning slightly. Who was this man telling him not to lie? This… sinful creature? Kurt rolled his eyes slightly, finally taking his spoon, tasting the cereals, but just as he tried it, he bamfed from the room and returned with an empty bowl, placing it in the sink. “Wasting food now? Didn’t take ya for that type.”

“Stop making fun of me, Logan. Not funny,” Kurt turned to him, his ears flinching slightly. Logan watched him with raised hands in surrender, but he wasn’t able to suppress his smirk growing on his lips. Kurt blushed a bit as he watched them, quickly turning his back to him.

“Just teasing. Did ya like it?” Kurt knew exactly what Logan was asking about, but he didn’t want to talk about it. Not with him. Not after what got him off yesterday. He didn’t like to lie to anyone. He felt bad and he was a terrible liar, so it was sometimes better if he was just quiet. But Logan immediately pressed again. “What was your favorite page? No, wait, lemme guess… the kneeling one? That girl looked a lot like she was prayin’, must’ve turned ya right on. Somewhere to the end.”

Kurt was certain he hadn’t seen that one. He didn’t make it past page seven.

He continued with his silence, cleaning the bowl after him as well as some other dishes that students left behind. Logan rolled his eyes back at him. but fed up with him ignoring all of his questions. “C’mon, bluey, talk to me. Don’t like talking just to myself.”

“You should have not given that to me, Logan,” Kurt said, almost whispered, and Logan’s mirk fell a bit. Kurt cleaned up after himself, closing cabinets doors, before he turned to Logan with a frown. “Is this your grand plan? Take me to hell with you? How could… those were… not nice photos. Sinful. Sometimes disgusting. Impure.”

“You just summarized my whole existence,” he tried to joke, but Kurt’s frown just kept on deepening. “Look, no one made ya take it. Ya just grabbed it. Could’ve left it there. But nah, ya wanted to see, so don’t you dare blame it all on me. You’re just as sinful and impure as I am, bluey.”

Kurt watched him for a moment longer, before he threw the cloth on the kitchen island and bamfed himself away. Logan watched the purple smoke that he left behind curling around the kitchen, before he sighed, downed his beer and walked over to the fridge for another one.

Maybe two.

Chapter Text

Kurt laid in his bed, eyes wide open. He was staring at the ceiling, just as he did the night before, but tonight it was for a bit of a different reason than yesterday. He whined as the lack of sleep crept up on him, his eyes tired and burning with every slow blink he took and his mind sluggish. He covered his face with his arm, trying to fall asleep, trying to lose himself in a dream. Trying not to think about him.

He seemed to be haunting his mind, his thoughts, his dreams and even his nightmares. He lived in his head, never leaving, not even for a minute. Always somewhere in there, in the very back, hiding in every moment of his life.

Kurt peeked from under his arm, eyes traveling to the magazine that laid on his nightstand. No. He can’t… He shouldn’t. His mind was full of dark sinful thoughts, thoughts he never thought would make it into his mind, making him feel disgusted and ashamed with himself.

He thought about what Logan had told him, thinking about that page he never saw. Logan thought he would like it. That this would be the one that would make him whine and lose himself. Does that tell him something about himself? How do others view him? How does Logan see him?

His heart stopped for a beat, as it made him realize another thing - Logan looked at that picture and it reminded him of Kurt. He thought about him. While watching it.

Maybe he was just as doomed as he was. Maybe he was a prisoner of his own mind just as much as Kurt was, and maybe he was way too quick to judge him.

Maybe Logan thought about Kurt as much as Kurt thought about Logan.

Kurt whined again, rutting his hips against the fabric of his sleep shorts. It hurt, but it felt like there was some invisible force that kept him from taking that magazine. He knew he just needed to open that one page and he could be relieved from this pain in a few minutes. He just didn’t want to. This was a dangerous path and in the end was a hellfire.

His eyes wandered over to the magazine again, as he thought about his options. First, he could lay here in a slight uncomfortable position and bit of pain, second, he could go and take a cold shower, since he found out that works across all these years he hadn’t touched himself, or third, he could give in to the temptation and just look at that fucking magazine.

If he looked at that picture Logan said he thinks he will like there can’t go anything wrong, no? He is just curious about that one, if it suits him at all or if Logan completely misunderstood his personality. There was still a chance that Logan is completely off, Kurt will find that picture highly disturbing and his dick will soften. Yes, then he will throw the magazine somewhere to the depths of his room, completely forgetting about it and then pulling it out during his annual monthly tidying and throwing it to the bin then.

Yes. That sounds like a plan.

He skipped the page that made him feel good yesterday and not so long after, he finally found what Logan meant. The girl really looked like she was praying, but more like to the dick above her than to the Lord. Kurt frowned slightly, studying the photo. Has Logan thought about him just because she was kneeling? Was kneeling connected to Kurt in Logan’s mind just because he was a Christian?

Kurt sighed, knowing that this photo will not get him off tonight. But he still felt uncomfortable. Before he could stop himself, he turned the magazine to page eight, where the Logan lookalike gave backshots to some girl. He whined loudly.

This will be a long night.

Chapter Text

“Something is bothering you, Kurt.” Logan raised his head when he heard his name. Almost everyone was outside, some students playing basketball, some playing chess and others simply relaxing and sunbathing in the late September sun. Kurt was sitting not so far away from where they were playing, so Logan made sure he “accidentally” sent the ball his way a few times. Kurt looked up at Storm, still clutching his tail, like it could fall off any second. “Are you alright? You know that we are all here for you, don’t you? It’s nothing bad if it’s too much.”

Kurt only nodded, gulping slightly when he noticed Logan watching them instead of paying attention to the game. Storm, always the observant, noticed the slight change in Kurt’s gaze and frowned a little. She lowered her voice, gently touching Kurt’s shoulder, feeling how he twitched a bit. “Are you scared of him, Kurt?”

“Oh, c’mon, ‘Ro, that’s too much, nah? Ya make it sound like I’m some criminal,” Logan called out, throwing up his hands, smirking. Storm rolled her eyes, muttering something about him hearing everything, and she turned back to Kurt. He didn’t answer her question verbally, just shook his head no, since he didn’t trust his voice enough. “See? Elf loves me, don’t ya?”

Elf remained silent, watching his tail twitch between his fingers. Logan shrugged at Storm, before he returned to the game, but not completely ignoring them. Storm tried to talk to Kurt a few more times, trying to make him talk with her about what’s wrong, but he always shut her out.

He didn’t deserve this, he didn’t deserve her. Or Logan. Or Anyone. Their kindness, the shelter they provide for him. Not when he’s like this, not when he’s all sinful and dirty. He was supposed to be the role model for students, the role model of a good Christian, not lead them straight to Hell.

After some time, Storm gave up. She told him to come to her any time he would need to talk with someone and Kurt said yes, even though he knew he would rather die than confess to her about something like this. He would rather walk all those circles of Hell and Purgatory before he tells her what happened last two nights.

He rubbed his eyes hard, seeing little stars behind his eyelids. He regretted giving into his temptations and he spent the rest of yesterday night on his knees by the edge of his bed, praying quickly and quietly, murmuring through every prayer he could remember and then pulling out his prayer book, hoping it would wash away the guilt that seemed to seep from every inch of his body and mind. But nothing helped.

Logan played for another half hour, before calling it a day and opening a beer. He sat down on the ground next to Kurt and sighed deeply. He couldn’t not notice how Kurt flinched when he sat beside him, but he decided to ignore it and not point it out. Out of habit than to really mean it he offered the bottle to him, surprised when Kurt grabbed it and hesitantly took a small sip, before giving it back. “I thought ya good Christians don’t do that?”

“Do I look like a good Christian to you, Logan?” asked Kurt and he could just chuckle, even though he could tell Kurt truly meant that question. He was asking him if he's good in his own faith. His own faith is making him feel so guilty that he has to ask others, him especially, if he’s good. Logan didn’t know how to respond to that. He was never good with emotions and even worse with faith. Kurt watched him quietly, realizing he will never get that answer, so he looked back down at his tail. “Why did you give it to me?”

“Gave ya what?” Logan finally looked back into his eyes, to those two bright yellow pools without pupils. To Logan they sometimes carried more emotions than any eyes with pupils. He clenched his jaw, unable to look into them for too long, before he shrugged, taking another sip. “I didn’t give ya anything. You chose to take it. No one is to blame here but ya.”

“That is not true, Logan!”

“Yes, it is. Did I blackmail ya into taking it? Nah, you know I didn’t. It’s not bad to feel good sometimes, no? That faith of yours must want you to be happy too, ain’t that right? And well, sometimes, the only thing that could make ya happy is to wank your dick,” Logan shrugged, like it wasn’t a big deal, and Kurt whined, covering his face, his cheeks slowly turning a shade of purple as blood poured into them. Logan watched him for a moment, his own face softening, before he sighed. “Okay, if ya don’t want it, then bring it back tonight, okay? I’ll give it back to Alex myself.”

Kurt just nodded, not noticing the small smirk decorating Logan’s lips.

Chapter Text

Logan’s doors were heavy and he noticed a few claw marks on them, like he was keeping some wild animal in there, not only himself. He traced them with his fingers, slowly memorizing each of them, noticing how deep they were, how angry they looked. The doors were penetrated from inside. He kinda wanted to know how they look from inside. He knew they were from those restless nights when Logan had nightmares. He always goes fully feral and there are just few people who could calm him down.

After a moment, he just sighed, gave up, and knocked on the wood three times. He couldn’t even take a full deep breath to compose himself before Logan opened his door. It almost seemed like he was behind them, waiting for Kurt to come. It took everything in him not to bamf right away. He wasn’t even strong enough to look him in the eyes, so he just reached out his hand with the magazine, watching the ground intently like some troubled child that was ready to be scolded. “Here it is. I did not destroy it or simply ruin it. It is like new.”

“Mhm, I bet. So how was it?” Logan asked, taking a sip of his whiskey. Kurt watched the golden brown liquid, as he swirled it around the glass. He hated it, the bitter taste, the disgusting feeling in his throat afterwards and his stomach the next morning. But Logan didn’t seem to mind - after all, he couldn’t get drunk. Kurt didn’t really get why he’s still drinking. Maybe he was trying to see if he could get drunk eventually. Or die from alcohol poisoning. Either way was impossible.

“The road to Hell already looks way brighter, thank you for asking,” he answered, his accent slipping out and making Logan chuckle. He downed the rest of his drink, placing the glass on the messy table next to the door.

“You’re being too dramatic. God doesn’t care if ya wank or not,” Logan rolled his eyes, but Kurt immediately frowned, his eyes darkening.

“That is not true. He cares about those things, more than you think. And he will punish us, punish me for sinning if I don’t pray for forgiveness.”

Logan snorted, grabbing the whole bottle and taking another gulp. “Elf, don’t ya hear yourself?”

“Of course I do. And I can tell you are not a good Christian.”

The older man stopped in his tracks, watching him quietly, before he sighed, placing the bottle down too. “If God was out there, or alive, wouldn’t he already kill me?”

It was a question that Kurt couldn’t answer. He didn’t know what God's plan was with Logan. Maybe he was the final test of faith. He’s been around for more than two centuries and he had lost his faith a long time ago. Kurt used to think for a while that his purpose here was to help Logan find way back to God’s love. Now he wasn’t so sure anymore.

“Hm. See? C’mon in, wanna show ya something.” Logan didn’t even wait for his answer and disappeared inside, leaving Kurt between open doors. He bit his lip, thinking if he could go inside, to accept his invitation. He had never been there. Not many mutants had. But curiosity killed the cat. Or perhaps the elf, in this case.

“It is a bit… messy,” he said after taking a good look around and Logan could only chuckle.

“And are ya that lady from How clean is your house, or what?”

“You know that?” he asked, but Logan didn’t answer. He moved some student essays to the side (Kurt noticed the small paper on it with bright red LOGAN GRADE THOSE ALREADY written by Storm) and pulled out a stack of new magazines. Kurt froze, watching him, before he shook his head. “What are you doing?”

“I think it’s time ya look at something real instead of that shit for kids.”