Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A lot of things in life tended to cling, whether it be a baby clinging to its mother, leaves clinging to the branches that kept them alive - or in Meredith’s case it was the smell of that damn hospital.

Standing in her bathroom, a towel around her body she stood for a moment in the steam filled room, attempting to make out her silhouette in the fogged up mirror as she dragged the hairbrush through the tangled dripping mess she called her hair. Even still, after such a long and laborious shower (maximum fifteen minutes) the smell of hospital seemed to invade her senses. The smell of latex gloves, scrubs and sickness was something Meredith had hoped to grow accustomed to much faster than she was. Oh well. Another thing to add to the list of adjustments she would have to make in her day by day life.

It was a new record for her. Eight minutes. She went eight minutes without thinking about him. Eight minutes of blissful ignorance before the weight settled in her chest once again, growing snug beneath her lungs as it attempted to physically drag her into the floorboards.

Derek Shepherd.

Derek Shepherd and his wife.

The brush dragged through her hair faster.

Derek Shepherd and his neonatal surgeon wife.

Strands of her hair began to collect within the bristles of the brush.

Derek and Addison Shepherd. Married.

Hard wood collided with the side of her and she winced, clutching her head before pulling the brush forward, looking at this inanimate object as if the pain was somehow its fault and was in fact not guided by her own hand.

Meredith grabbed her toothbrush before beginning to viciously scrub her teeth, foam rapidly building around her lips and dripping down her chin.

You must be the woman who’s been screwing my husband.

Meredith spat, wiping her chin on the same towel wrapped around her body before she grabbed her clothes. Stupid men. She hated them. Loathed them even. She hated him. She hated his wife. She hated the way Derek turned to look at her like a wounded puppy when he saw her. She hated the way he apologized before the woman had even reached them. Like he knew. He knew. She felt ill.

“-frankly I think it’s ridiculous that you think I even care”

Izzies words grew louder as Meredith trudged down the stairs, her feet colliding with the wooden steps making whatever conversation was happening come to a fault. Wordlessly Meredith looked upon the two interns sitting at the table, drinking coffee and picking at a bowl of grapes. She could feel them both watching her as she poured herself some of the brewed lifeline into a steel travel cup. That was the signal. The signal of ‘lets get this over with’.

Meredith would never describe herself as a morning person. Each time her mind was dragged to reality by the blaring alarm clock her mind remained foggy. Even before working shifts that lasted from sunrise to sunset Meredith never slept well. Lulling herself to relax and get comfortable enough to shut her body and mind off was always a struggle, however it was often the same when it came to waking up. Just the thought alone of her bed made her grip the steel cup tighter, her senses being overwhelmed the second they entered the fluorescently lit halls of the hospital. At least they weren’t late this time.

Rounds were … well they were the same as always. Doctor Bailey, in all her bossy greatness, pulled the group of tired interns from room to room to ogle at patients, questioning them on things that Meredith had learned years ago. One of the few upsides of having Ellis Grey as your mother she supposed. As they exited another room Meredith’s eyes drifted down the hall, and god she wished they hadn’t. Because she saw him.

Derek’s eyes met hers almost instantly, his eyebrows furrowing, those ‘McDreamy’ eyes almost glossing over as if he were looking upon her for the first time in years. (It had been four days). Her chest tightened, fingers twitching as she found herself practically having to tear her eyes away from his gaze. The intern quickly returned in step with her group, shoulders slumped as she looked at the floor.

She had been avoiding him, she wasn’t ashamed to admit that. It’s what she did best. When in doubt: run. It was such a simple solution to so many problems and quite frankly she didn’t understand why more people didn’t do it - well actually she knew exactly why but she didn’t want to think about that right now. Her mouth suddenly felt dry, desperately licking her lips as if that would relieve the feeling. As they walked she kept her head down. Don’t turn around. Don’t look back. Don’t do it. Don’t do i - oh god why was her head moving.

Meredith’s head almost involuntarily turned, her eyes returning to the spot where Derek had previously been and … fuck. He was still standing there, watching her walk away with his lips parted as if he was going to try and speak to her from so far away. Her head snapped back around so fast she damn near pulled a muscle, thanking god that Bailey led them around a corner and she was finally free from his gaze.

She had been doing so well. She hadn’t thought about it for … twenty minutes! And then he had to go and ruin it by standing there. How dare he. How dare he - a doctor - exist in the hospital that she worked at that he also happened to work at. The ridiculousness of her frustration merely made her more frustrated. Life was a never ending cycle.

Meredith had been so engulfed in her own mind that she didn’t notice the rounds had even ended until the interns dispersed, leaving her standing there with Bailey in front of her. The shorter stood with her arms crossed, disapproving eyes staring her down as if the woman could somehow read Meredith’s mind. Maybe she could. It would explain a lot honestly.

“Dr. Grey, wake up. I won’t have my interns falling asleep on top of patients” A file was placed against Meredith’s chest, which she quickly caught before Bailey walked away, muttering something under her breath. Meredith looked at the file, reading over the patients details as she approached the elevator.

It was a rare occasion that an elevator was completely empty. Each one was often crammed full of doctors and nurses squeezing together like canned sardines, so when the doors opened Meredith was pleasantly surprised to see an empty space. Perfect. She needed a minute to recuperate. She needed to gather her thoughts, keep her head cool, and forget all about him and his stupid wife.

As the doors began to close Meredith heard the distinct sound of rapidly approaching heels. The steps seemed to speed up a little, the clacking getting louder and louder until someone slipped between the doors right as it closed. Meredith’s eyes lifted from the file and she had to withhold a sigh. Because there she was, dressed as if she were about to attend a dinner at the Hamptons, not attend work in a hospital.

Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd. Who even needed that many names? Meredith had looked her up the night that they ‘met’. The night this woman strutted into the hospital and pulled the rug from beneath the blondes feet, smiling as she did it.

The woman who’s been screwing my husband.

A neonatal surgeon. Of course she was a surgeon, Meredith doubted Derek would go for the less intelligent type. Whatever about looks and personality, at least the intern knew she had the brains. Then again not the brains to compete with an award winning surgeon who saved babies and wore expensive clothes and very red lipstick and had weirdly perfect hair … god she hated her and she hated that she hated her. What grounds did Meredith have to hate this woman? She was her husbands mistress, yet deep down a selfish, cruel part of herself wished that Addison had stayed where she was. That she had never come to this hospital, that she had never approached the two of them that night. Meredith liked the ignorant joy she got from being with Derek. Just thinking about him again made her blood boil, and it wasn’t helped by the fact that his wife was standing next to her and … was she smiling?

“Good morning, Dr. Grey.” Addisons words were calm, collected, and friendly? No surely not. Basic politeness was different than friendliness. Where on earth would this woman get off on being friendly with her husbands mistress. Unless it was a battle for moral high ground. A way to rub it in Meredith’s face that she had what the intern never could.

It wasn’t until Addison turned her head to look down at her (god why did have to be taller too?) that Meredith realized that she had one : been staring, and two : had completely ignored the woman’s greeting. The surgeon cocked her eyebrow, awaiting any kind of response and Meredith quickly cleared her throat.

“Morning Dr. Shepherd” It felt weird to say. Or more it felt weird to say it not to Derek. The other Doctor Shepherd. Why couldn’t she have used any of the other names she had? She just had to use her husbands name … the frustration at something so normal once again made Meredith clench her jaw. She hated them, both of them. Both of them with their marriage and their successful careers and - the elevator dinged and Meredith let out an audible sigh of relief. It wasn’t her floor but frankly she didn’t care, she needed out of this elevator. She couldn’t stand to be near Addison because she had done nothing wrong, and the guilt that wracked through her everytime Meredith thought about it was enough to floor her.

She was a surgeon, a great one at that, and Meredith was an intern. She was successful, and Meredith wasn’t. She was put together, professional, objectively attractive, and she smelled like cinnamon.

And Meredith hated her

Chapter Text

All a surgeon wants is to play god. 

Meredith had overheard it in a bar one night, two absurdly drunk nurses were chatting ‘amongst themselves’ (even though they spoke at the volume of a pack of hyenas). The statement in itself though was one that the intern bounced around in her head. While on the surface the answer was simple. No. But when she thought about it more, truly sat with it she could see where they came from. 

To be a successful surgeon one only needed three things. Brains - naturally. Power, and control. Control of both yourself and those around you, which seemingly perfectly interlinked with power. Willpower and - at the end of the day - the power to control who lives or dies. The thought was almost thrilling. Many would find it stressful, but she didn’t. She was made for this. Her entire life she was raised in the shadow of surgery, under the pressure of her mothers legacy. Meredith’s purpose was surgery, it was all that was expected of her.  

Being an intern Meredith was used to people using their power, it was her job to ‘serve’ under these figurative gods in hopes of learning enough to take their place one day. And sometimes that job just meant being thrown from surgeon to surgeon, lab to lab, but she would be lying if she said she didn’t enjoy it sometimes. 

This one particular morning though, Meredith was quiet confident in her assessment of hating this. The intern hated a lot these days. She hated this hospital, she hated the way her mind never seemed to cooperate, she hated the fact that she had to bend to the whim of these people, and she hated the fact that she missed him. But right now? Right now she hated Burke. The cardiologist stood before her, face expressionless as he spoke. His glasses were sitting too low on his nose and it was annoying her. 

Eventually his pointless lecture seemed to come to an end, a quiet sigh leaving the man’s mouth before he picked up his file again. 

“Doctor Shepherd has requested you today Grey. See to it you get there soon.” 

His tone was cold, emotionless, but something shifted in his eyes and she couldn’t quite pin it. Either way it didn’t matter, her mind already crashing over the idea of having to see him again. 

Hesitantly the intern nodded, slipping her hands into her pockets before turning to head towards the wing where they kept most of the neuro patients. Burke however stopped her with a simple clearing of his throat. She froze, her back still facing him. No. No no no there was no way that he meant-

“The other Doctor Shepherd, Grey. She’s waiting for you” 

That bitch. 

It had to be a power move. What other purpose would there be for wanting the woman sleeping with your husband to be trailing after you all day? The tips of her fingers tapped against the side of her leg as she slowly walked up the stairs. She silently prayed her pager would go off and she could escape, but it appeared the universe was not on her side. Maybe one day. 

When Meredith finally turned down the hall to where she assumed Addison would be, she unsurprisingly found her. What did surprise her were the others. Burke, Derek, and her, talking amongst themselves. Even from afar she could sense Derek’s tense, almost dismissive nature as he looked between the other two surgeons. With nothing more than a quick deep breath Meredith approached. She was professional, she was determined. She wanted to learn and she was ready to work, even if that meant being with her. 

Meredith interjected herself into the conversation, finishing off Addisons sentence before she could. In a brief moment Derek paused, his eyes flicking from Addison to Burke, and then they settled on Meredith. For a moment it was almost … funny. Amusing. Amusing to see him so bewildered and frustrated, but when he turned and left so fast suddenly nothing was funny.

So instead she looked at Addison, her eyes settling on the woman’s face, her eyes shining with what could almost be challenge. The corner of her burgundy lips were curled up in an almost sly smirk. Evil. So so evil. Not even pink scrubs could make this woman look less like the devil reincarnated in Meredith’s mind. She really was Satan. 

Nevertheless Meredith stood tall, adjusting her posture to match the woman’s ever so perfect stance. That seemed to do something, the attendings eyes darting up and down her momentarily before she turned and began walking away, clearly just expecting Meredith to follow after her like a well trained puppy. It was infuriating, yet Meredith followed her, because that was her purpose. 

As they walked Meredith kept looking at her, watching the way her fiery red curls bounced as she walked, her head held high with confidence that was almost suffocating. Insecurity bubbled breath Meredith’s skin, her finger instinctively reaching for a strand of her own hair, feeling the split ends between her fingers. 

Around halfway through her shift Meredith had come to two conclusions. The first, was that Addison was almost difficult to hate. Besides maybe the odd ‘judging’ look or sly dig she had been nothing short of polite to Meredith. It reeked of professionalism and class and it made Meredith feel about two feet tall. The second, was that pregnant women were fucking crazy. Hormones were no joke, Meredith knew that, but going from room to room the emotional whiplash she was getting was almost giving her a headache. 

One headache in particular was a rather … bitter woman. Every moment of silence was filled with complaints about her cheating husband, the woman’s words flying into Meredith’s psyche like daggers. Each one felt like a jab, a reminder of how she really was just a dirty mistress. At first she thought she was being paranoid, that this was just her karma, but when Meredith returned to the patients room with Addison she realized this was no ‘punishment’ from the universe. 

“I don’t want her in the room”

The woman’s words were sharp, her eyes only on Addison as if somehow the surgeon would understand. As the patient continued talking of ‘certain circumstances’ Meredith noticed the way Addisons jaw seemed to shift, as if she were physically biting her tongue. Oh god was she going to laugh? It must be somewhat amusing, maybe even satisfying, to have someone else point out Meredith’s dirty little habits because Addison clearly lacked the ability to break into such unprofessionalism. 

When the red heads eyes raised to the ceiling for a second, green irises then flicking to the blonde, Meredith was ready to be sent from the room. 

“Ms Philips…” There was something off about her tone, it wasn’t amused, it wasn’t smug, it almost seemed offended. Offended about what? Offended on Meredith’s behalf? Even Meredith wasn’t particularly offended, it was deserved after all - at least in her mind. 

“I lack Doctor Greys class - and patience. So let me set the record straight.”

Addison looked at her again, only briefly, but her demeanour shifted. Meredith couldn’t really pinpoint to what, but she seemed tenser, more rigid. 

“My husband didn’t cheat on me, I cheated on him. So the wronged woman here? Doctor Grey”

It was as if the room spun for a moment, the interns shame filled gaze lifted to the surgeon, gritting her teeth to stop her mouth from falling open like a shocked child. 

“So I think you owe her one hell of an apology.” 

Her tone was icy, her gaze practically piercing into the woman laying in her bed before Addison turned and wordlessly left the room. This time she didn’t look at Meredith.   

Honesty was an admirable thing, especially in this profession. The ability to own up, to admit fault and move forward. It was the little scraps of credit Meredith could think to throw Addison. She threw herself under the bus to protect the integrity of an intern, even if it was for something like that. Still it didn’t make Meredith feel much better. She still felt dirty, she felt wronged, even betrayed if she was being dramatic about it all. Derek had lied, and the context before mattered little to her. 

After the ‘incident’ in the patients room Addison had seemingly returned to normal, as if nothing had even happened. As if she hadn’t thrown another spanner into the mess that was Meredith’s head. She was grateful for the OR, because god knows it was hard to be anywhere else but in the moment there. Her eyes watched as Addison performed surgery, silently taking it all in. For a moment, a brief fleeting moment, Meredith forgot who she was. She was purely enamoured by the way this woman worked. Each step was meticulously thought out, yet also there was no hesitation. The power Addison held over each and every member in that room was captivating, and thats what Meredith found the most impressive. Her power. 

Addisons eyes lifted from the body before her, looking at Meredith through her eyelashes, and just like the moment was over. The intern came crashing back into reality with such force she almost lost balance. Because suddenly she was herself again. And Addison was the wife of the man she loved. 

The sound of water and scrubbing of skin were the only things piercing the silence of the scrub room. Meredith kept her eyes trained on her fingers, rubbing each one meticulously. She watched the way her skin moved and folded, ignoring the sting from the cracks in her knuckles. She almost viciously dragged her nails against the back of her hand, as if she were attempting to wash much more than the mere germs from surgery. 

“Good job in there Grey” Addisons words interrupted her, making Meredith tense as if she had almost forgotten the woman was right beside her. They were genuine, almost encouraging, but Meredith would’ve rather they weren’t. It would make her feel less pathetic if the woman simply berated her. It’s what she would do, and maybe that’s why Addison was the one with the ring and not her. The ring. 

Meredith wordlessly watched as the red head pulled it from her pocket, looking at it for a moment before sliding it onto her finger. For a fraction of a second her mask seemed to slip, the typical high stances and self importance fell. It was if a shadow had passed over the woman, but just as soon as it appeared it left again. Meredith didn’t care that she was staring, nor did she care that Addison had noticed. The woman’s fingers straightened for a second before disappearing in to her pocket, as if she were trying to not let Meredith look at it any longer. As if it was something sacred, something Meredith could never have. It was true after all. She wasn’t the wife, she was just the mistress. 

Addison nodded to her before walking passed her and Meredith was quick to dry her hands, ignoring the sudden emptiness of the room. Even still it seemed like the woman’s presence lingered, hovered by her side like a weight pushing Meredith further and further to the wall, cornering her to be left with nothing but her thoughts. 

As the intern walked the halls her brain was wracked with too much information. Overloaded with patients, with hatred, with Addison, with Derek. It was too much too fast and she couldn’t stand it. What she hated the most though, was she didn’t know how to feel. Relief was the closest word she could think to describe it. She was relieved today went okay, relieved Addison was too professional to make her life hell, relieved that she hadn’t done her job wrong, and she was relieved Addison had wronged Derek. A small part of her, a stupid part of her, thought maybe if this was the case Derek wouldn’t take her back. Maybe she still had a chance. The thought was almost comical. As if she had a chance. 

Addison was brilliant. She was smart, confident, collected, witty at times, and frustratingly polite. She was everything Meredith believed she wasn’t, everything Meredith wished she was. And today she smelt like roses. 

And Meredith hated her. 

Chapter Text

Desperation clawed at Meredith’s throat, words fighting their way to escape her lips and spill into a spew of broken, pathetic pleas. She couldn’t help it. She couldn’t withstand the sheer force that Derek Shepherd seemed to hold over her. He was like water, slipping through every crack and crevice in the walls Meredith had built around herself, consuming her oxygen until she felt like she could no longer breath. She struggled in the water, thrashing and gasping for what little air she could latch on to - but she was tired of fighting it.

Because there he was, right in front of her, leaning back against the sink of the scrub room. His arms were crossed, gaze lowered as if he didn’t dare to look upon her. Shame danced across his face, his jaw tense. It had been almost two weeks since this came to an end. Two weeks since Satan herself entered the hospital with the confidence Meredith could never even imagine herself carrying.

Meredith would be lying if she said she was okay. In fact she had been lying - to everyone. She thought maybe if she worked more, if she spent more time in the hospital drowning in labs and charts that it would keep her mind occupied. The only downside? The person who had been consuming her very being was also always in this damn building.

At first it felt coincidental, a mere string of bad luck that she was constantly running into Derek, but after a while that theory became less plausible. There were too many instances. Too many shared elevators. Too many meetings in halls she had never once seen him walk down. Was he toying with her? Playing with her mind to simply drag her down? No. No not Derek, he would never.

To make matters worse when she wasn't seeing him, she was seeing her. It was less frequent, less obvious, but it was enough to make her feel on edge. A brief glance in the hallway, a flash of salmon scrubs or red hair from the corner of her eye, the sound of heels - so many small instances that were driving her insane. Why was she still here? Meredith knew why. She knew what was happening, but she didn’t want to accept it. She couldn’t will herself to admit that she had lost him. Maybe that’s why now, while tired and sore and bloody, Meredith gave herself one last chance. Offered herself up to him with nothing but sheer desperation.

“I’ll be at Joes tonight … I’ll stay until nine and if you-”
Meredith blinked, looking up to the ceiling as she sucked in her lips in an attempt to steady her tone. Be assertive. Be sure. And for the love of god stop feeling guilty.
“If you don’t show up we’re done. I’ll know where you stand because - because I can’t keep doing this. Whatever this is I can’t take it anymore. Figure it out.”

The words were confident, the statement was clear, but her delivery? Not so much. Her hand was practically trembling, her eyes burning. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. She wasn't being fair - she knew that - but she didn’t care. Not now. She couldn’t live in this state of limbo. This state of sneaky glances and charmed words, it was driving her insane.

The worst part of it all was Addison. That woman. Everything about her made Meredith want to retreat to the nearest corner and face the wall like a scolded child. She was frustratingly polite, even still. Even when her husband was so blatantly longing for someone else, she never seemed to take it out on her.

Their eyes would meet occasionally, Meredith’s frown always being met with a smile or a nod, it wasn’t much, but it was more acknowledgement than Meredith wanted from her. Her hatred was one sided - at least outwardly. Her jealously burned against her skin like acid, bubbling in her chest and sometimes she felt like she might spew it all out on the surgeon one day.

Yet every-time she felt like she would, Addison would smile at her. It was rarely cheeky, never strained, simply a smile to smile, and suddenly Meredith’s rage was shifted to guilt. A guilt that ate away at her insides, so strong and heavy she felt she may die.

Without another word Meredith left the scrub room, not giving Derek time to respond, because then she knew she’d cry. It felt stupid. Meredith didn’t cry, not over stupid things like this, but she was so exhausted. Mentally and physically fucking exhausted. She looked down as she walked, shutting her eyes in frustration. Did she just say that? Did she just look at this man and ask him to leave his wife for her? It was so ridiculous, so utterly stupid and desperate it made her want to scream. Oh how she could scream right now. She wanted to scream at him. She wanted to grab his shoulders and shake him and scream.

Her steps became faster, the intern practically storming around the corner, a scream threatening to erupt any moment. The next person to cross her was going to get a piece of her fucking mind because dear god she was so going to lose it and-

A quiet grunt left her throat as Meredith bumped into someone, her chest colliding with an elbow and it nearly knocked the wind out of her.
“Woah! Careful there Grey, you damn near knocked me over”
A quiet chuckle followed after the words and Meredith didn’t even need to look up to register, but she did anyway. Blue met green.

Suddenly Meredith felt small but her body was still burning with shame, with anger. She almost felt like she was sweating, her teeth gritted as frantic, harsh breaths left her nose. To Addisons credit she said nothing, even if she could practically see the fire burning in the interns eyes.
“Sorry.”
Meredith’s words were sharp, her tone clipped. It sounded nothing like an apology, and truthfully she hadn’t meant it as one. Basic politeness. ‘Being the bigger person’. The intern quickly walked around her, and it was only when she had made it away from the surgeon that something occurred to her. Addisons hand had been on her upper arm. The spot felt cold now.

-

“It’s kind of sad to watch”
Izzies words drifted across the bar, Meredith bristling from her seat in front of Joe. Her friends were sitting at a table nearby, watching her like she was a patient on deaths door. Simply observing. Watching as her fingers traced the rim of the glass with such pity it was almost palpable. She hated it. Meredith hated pity. She didn’t want pity, she didn’t find herself worthy of it.

Of course he didn’t come. Why would he? Just looking back on how she had begged him made her stomach churn. It was so humiliating. She was a doctor, a surgeon to-be, she was the daughter of the mighty Ellis Grey, yet here she sat - on a Tuesday night - nursing a glass of tequila as she waited for a married man to leave his wife for her. This was stupid. It was ridiculous. It was so stupid.

The intern looked at her watch, her eyes fixated on the ticking hand. It was almost eight thirty. He wasn’t coming. If he was going to come he would’ve got here already. Defeat settled in her chest, a sign so heavy leaving her lips she visibly deflated. He wasn’t coming. Meredith went to stand, placing her palms flat on the bar to lift herself. She heard the door open, but she barely registered it. That door had been opening all night. At first she would turn around every-time, the faintest hope evident in her eyes, but let down after let down left her tired.

“Is this seat taken?”
Meredith froze, half off the stool already. This had to be a joke. It wasn’t him. It couldn’t be him. It must be someone that just sounded exactly like him. Smelt exactly like him. Hesitantly she turned around, and there he was, a faint smile adorning his features.

Meredith felt like she was floating, her heart soaring as she looked into those welcoming eyes. God it was him.
“It’s reserved for men who don’t have a wife.”
A challenge, a silent way of asking if he was truly picking her. The outward rejection would still be too much, it was too fresh. She wouldn’t let him tear her down like that, she wouldn’t break in front of him. Not again.

For a moment there was hesitation, a flash of contemplation on his features, before Derek sat down. He sat down. Meredith slowly lowered herself back onto the stool, glancing over her shoulder at her friends, a wide smile on her face. They all returned it - except for Christina. Oh Christina. She had been pretty adamant in her protests of Meredith getting back with Derek. ‘If he lied once what’s stopping him from doing it again?’. Meredith chose to ignore her. Christina didn’t know Derek like she did. He wouldn’t do that to her, not again.

There was silence between the two for a while, the pair simply settling in the decision. As if them speaking would suddenly make it all too real - but it was real. Derek was right there, his fingers absentmindedly tapping the bar.
“I’m not officially divorced yet.”
The words broke the silence, Meredith staying silent. She knew how divorce worked, she knew it wasn’t something as simple as people made it out to be. It took meetings, lawyers, court sometimes if there were more serious matters involved.

“But you’re not going back to her?”
Her voice was quiet, shaken as she finally turned to look at him - and he was already looking at her.
“No. No I'm not.”
Dereks words were almost too fast, his answer clipped before smiled sadly, reaching his hand to place it against her cheek. His palm was cold, his thumb brushing across her cheek as if he were trying to soothe all her worries away, and she’d be lying if she said it wasn’t working. That’s all she needed. She needed the confirmation that this was happening. That he really truly wanted to pick her.

-

For the first time in weeks Meredith got a decent nights sleep. Perhaps it was the alcohol, perhaps it was work, or perhaps it was because she was happy. She was genuinely happy. She had him back, he was hers and she was his.

She brushed her teeth slowly, looking at her reflection as she did. Maybe she wasn’t so bad after all. Maybe she was worthy of this - of happiness - because if Derek saw her as something then surely she must be. The thought of everything else, the thought of her, didn’t even cross Meredith’s mind. He had consumed her once again, settling himself in her thoughts so comfortably it was like he belonged there.

Even the hospital seemed brighter. Everything was more exciting, more interesting. She didn’t avoid him. She returned his gaze, his smiles. Every moment she thought she could see him she was searching, hoping to even catch a glimpse of him.

When it was time to eat Meredith sought him out, patrolling the halls until she spotted him behind a desk, a file perched on his lap. She practically skipped over, leaning against the desk and his eyes lifted, his face lighting up as soon as he saw her.
“Hey”
She smiled, her tone soft, beckoning. And he returned to greeting with just as much affection. It was so simple. It was so easy. It felt so right.
“Would you care to join me for some lunch? I’ve got thirty minutes”
Meredith asked as she watched him stand up, placing the file down and he came around the desk to stand in front of her. He was standing close, as if there were nobody else around to watch them. She wanted to kiss him, oh how she wanted to, but not here.

For a moment time seemed to freeze, the two of them looking at each other, smiling. Derek’s hand moved to brush a strand of her from her face. His hand was still cold. However the moment was shattered by the enraging noise of stiletto heels against the polished floor of the hospital. By now Meredith knew what that meant - nobody else would wear such uncomfortable shoes to work at a hospital of all places.

The realization dawned on Derek just as fast, his hand retreating as he took a step back. And then she was there. The intern picked up her (now cold) coffee and took a sip as she watched Addison weasel her way between the two of them to lean against the desk.
“Well isn’t this cozy. Can I join? Or are you not into threesomes?”

Meredith almost choked on her coffee.
“You know you really are Satan.”
Derek stated, an unamused smile on his face while Addison simply shrugged, crossing her arms as she did. Her hair was straightened today, red hair cascading down her back, any evidence of the bouncing curls long gone. Meredith couldn’t decide which she hated more.

“Yes well, I need to talk to you Derek …”
Addison trailed off, the insinuation of a private conversation in her tone. Meredith felt her chest tighten. What on earth would she have to say to him? There was nothing to say. Meredith didn’t want her talking to him alone, not because she didn’t trust Derek. She just didn’t trust her. This woman had already strut into their life, all leggy and evil, and now she was trying to do it again?

Derek could sense Meredith’s hostility, which wasn’t hard honestly. The nurses standing in the hall could probably sense it.
“What do you want Addison, just say it”
Derek’s tone was sharp, his words blunt, as if merely talking to this woman was exhausting her. Addison hesitated, shifting her weight before she looked at Meredith. The intern couldn’t read her expression, she’d pay to know what that woman was thinking right now.

The silence lingered for a while, Addison clearly not wanting to speak in front of the blonde, but she knew she had to say it now. She licked her lips before sighing, tilting her head a little and her hair slipped off her shoulder.
“Richard offered me a job”

The room fell silent again, it was so quiet Meredith wasn’t even sure if anyone was breathing. She definitely wasn’t. There was no way. She was only meant to be here for a few weeks, a transfer while she desperately tried to convince her husband to come back - but a job? A permanent position? At the hospital her ex-husband and his … girlfriend? Friend with benefits? Fling? Meredith didn’t know, but she didn’t care right now. Surely she wouldn’t take it, that was foolish. But then Addison spoke the words Meredith willed her not to.

“And I’m taking it”

Addison walked away without another word, her steps as confident and consistent as ever. The moment the two had previously shared was long gone, the bliss shattered, and Meredith gripped her cup tighter. She had done it again. She had come in, ruined everything, and walked away like it didn’t matter. Derek wordlessly left, going the same way she did, leaving Meredith alone again.

The blonde placed the cup on the table, fearful if this anger continued to build up it would boil over and she would throw the cup across the room. She could almost still feel Addisons presence in the room, just like it had been in the scrub room before. It was terrifying how much she could encapsulate a space and consume it, spreading her energy around, clinging to anyone and anything. The woman’s smile was burned into Meredith’s mind, her arm still felt weird from where her warm hand had held it, and today she smelt like coffee.

And Meredith hated her.

Chapter Text

Meredith felt like she was floating, her mind in a state of pure ecstasy. Every minute of every day felt better than the last, because every minute that passed meant she was a minute closer to him.

“You’re smiling.”
It wasn’t a question, it didn’t have any alternate meaning, it was merely a statement. Meredith snapped from her daze as Christina practically threw her lunch tray down across from her, the intern sitting with a loud huff.

“Can’t I smile? You complained last month that I was too miserable”
Meredith rebutted, picking up half of her sandwich, ignoring the way Christina’s eyebrow raised. She hated when the other look at her like that, like she knew every thought that crossed Meredith’s mind. Some days it really did feel like it, some days it even felt like Christina knew what she was thinking before she did.

“Well last month you were also on a vow of celibacy and refused to even utter a word to a man.”
Christina pointed her fork at Meredith accusingly before using it to stab a cherry tomato from her salad. The blonde went silent, the other simply grinning. She knew Meredith’s silence meant she had won, and Meredith hated that. One day she would know what to say back to her friend, but today? Today she wanted to live in her bliss. Bask in the glory of what her life was now.

“I’m just saying I don’t think this is going to end well, that’s all.”

-

It was weird. This was weird. Meredith was on Addisons service again, but it felt different, like something had shifted between the two that the intern couldn’t quite work out. The surgeon seemed more tense, her eyebrows constantly furrowed as she chewed on the end of her pen, eyes fixated on the piece of paper in front of her. It wasn’t a difficult case, in fact it wasn’t really anything spectacular at all, yet Addison seemed perplexed.

Typically the attending would ask questions, open to any other opinions they could use, but not today. In fact Addison was acting like Meredith wasn’t even there. The only times their eyes met wasn’t purposeful, the awkward smiles of false acknowledgment being enough to break away the attention again.

It made sense - in a way - the awkwardness. Meredith was seeing Derek again, this time more outwardly than before, and Addison still worked here. Meredith had hoped she’d leave. The realization that she wasn’t getting her husband back would catch up on her and she would flee. Rid Meredith of the nagging voice of guilt in the back of her mind, but no. Of course not, because why would the universe give her that.

“Do you think we will have to do a C-section?”
Meredith’s voice finally shattered the silence between them, the red head almost jumping from the sudden noise, as if she had completely forgot the intern was standing a mere three feet away from her.

“I uh … I’m not sure. Right now. Either way it won’t happen today, I think.”
Okay this was weird. Uncertainty wasn’t a good look on anyone, but on Addison it simply looked bizarre. Not sure? The Addison Montgomery was ‘not sure’. Meredith was tempted to mark the date on her calendar, but that would be petty and mean and she’s above that now.

“Are you alright Doctor Montgomery?”
It felt better to say, it felt right - almost natural. However she saw the way the attendings grip on the file tightened, her jaw twitching before she forced a smile onto her face, one that didn’t even attempt to reach her eyes.

“I’m perfectly fine Doctor Grey. Just a long night that’s all”
Meredith wasn’t sure when exactly Derek had given Addison the papers, all he told her was that it happened pretty soon after the night at Joe’s. Meredith didn’t push any further than that, satisfied with the answer he gave. Anytime the woman was mentioned Derek seemed to tense up, his gaze lowering and his words became blunt. She wasn’t scared to bring it up, but why bother? Derek told her it was dealt with and Addison was completely gone from his life, which confused her, because Addison was still wearing her ring, and Meredith hated it.

The intern watched as her hand moved across the page, scribbling notes. The light would occasionally catch on the silver, shining in the corner of Meredith’s eye. While the pair went from patient to patient her eyes kept drifting back to it.

Eventually Addison noticed, her conversation with a patient trailing off as her eyes bore holes into Meredith’s skull.
“Are you listening Doctor Grey?”
Meredith almost jumped out of her skin, quickly standing to attention like a soldier at war. She spluttered out apologies, her eyes not meeting the icy stare that waited before her.

Meredith had spent so long willing for Addison to be cold to her, to treat her as she deserved to be treated as the dirty mistress, but now it was happening she willed it to go back to how it was before. She missed when Addison was amicable with her, when she would smile at her when their eyes met. When she would nod her head at Meredith from across the hall, a strand of her hair falling over her face when she did. It was selfish of her, to want politeness, but Meredith had been nothing short of selfish lately. She justified it in her mind, or at least tried too, but some nights as she lay on her side staring at the wall she regretted it.

Guilt had been a part of Meredith since birth, she felt it was part of how she was wired, and she never knew what to do with it all. She didn’t know where to put it, how to direct it, but now that she had an outlet to flood it all towards she wanted nothing more than for it to stop. She wanted to stop feeling guilty for being happy.

-

“You know, I believe I owe you a steak dinner”
Derek’s words pulled Meredith from her thoughts, the blonde turning from where she stood in the lobby to meet his eyes. Everything else seemed to melt away around her. It was just him. She was smiling before she even had time to realize it, her gaze flickering to the floor for a moment as a quiet laugh left her lips.

“I believe you do. And a lot more than that now, I charge interest on these kinds of things”
The laugh that left Derek’s lips was enough to make Meredith’s chest tighten, her smile faltering for a moment. He took hold of her hand and she looked down at them. His hand was cold. Before she had been convinced their hands were destined to be together, like two pieces of puzzle that slotted together perfectly, but now it felt off. His skin was rough, calloused fingers running along the back of her hand, but she smiled through it. It was okay. She was happy, she was so so happy, and she just needed time to adjust to this again.

Meredith would argue about if she loved Derek or not. She loved the idea of him. Of a smart, kind, clever man who could sweep her away from the trials of life. He could make her happy, they could start a family, grow old together. Admittedly - while drunk - she had thought of what their kids would be like. They’d be smart, she was sure of it. He would love them, read them bedtime stories before bed, and then they would sit on a couch together in a nice house in the country and watch tv. It was perfect, domestic in the most beautiful way, but when she looked at him now something was wrong.

Derek Shepherd was everything she could possibly want, but as they walked from the hospital, their hands still interlinked, Meredith couldn’t bring herself to look at him. When they were apart she missed him. She missed his voice, his laugh, his touch. She missed how she envisioned him, but when he was in front of her the feeling went away. She could try and blame it on exhaustion, on the recent events making her wary of moving too fast, but she knew that wasn’t it. There was something wrong, yet nothing had truly changed. He was the same man he had been all those months ago and it drove her insane that she couldn’t bring back that feeling. Couldn’t will herself to love him again.

The dinner was perfect, why wouldn’t it be? A beautiful restaurant, amazing food, perfectly palpable conversation. It amazed her how easily she could talk to him despite the nagging feeling in her gut. Despite the fact that when he smiled she didn’t feel those childlike butterflies she once had. When their eyes met she looked away, when he reached to her she moved her hand away. It was so small, so insignificant she doubted he even noticed, because he was the exact same. But this time Meredith was different.

Meredith had been to Derek’s trailer before, only a handful of times, but when he asked her if she’d like to come back for a drink Meredith knew what that meant. The insinuation was blatant, her suspicions only confirmed by the slight smirk on the v doctors face. The feeling got worse, her stomach churning so much she felt she may throw up. Even still, despite her own best interest, she agreed. Maybe she was just frustrated. After her vow of celibacy she hadn’t been near another man, maybe that’s all she needed. A few drinks, no clothes and the man she used to love would fix her - or at least she tried to convince herself of that. The car ride was mostly silent, the only thing relieving the tension was the quiet music coming from the radio.

When the car finally pulled up to the trailer Derek slowed down, sitting forward with a confused look on his face. Meredith followed his gaze, her own face twisting to one of confusion. There was already a car there. It was a new car, fancy and shiny and reeked of expensive. If his face didn’t display the same emotion she did Meredith would almost think Derek had splurged on a brand new set of wheels, then again he didn’t seem like type to get a red car. When they finally parked beside it, Derek hesitated before turning off the engine.

“Who’s here?”
Meredith asked, her tone more accusatory than she had meant it. She watched the way Derek’s eyes flicked to her with uncertainty, that same guilt puppy eyed look dancing around his face. It was then that she realized what the problem was, crashing down on her like a tone of bricks - she didn’t trust him.
“Derek. Who’s here?”

“Just wait in the car. I’ll be a second”
Without another word he got out, slamming the door behind him so hard it shook the entire vehicle. For a few moments she sat there, unsure on whether or not she truly wanted to get out and see who was there, although she only knew of a few people who would buy a car like that. Meredith got out, closing the door a lot gentler than he had, shivering as the cold air hit her and she wrapped her arms around herself, quickly following after him.

As soon as the blonde got close enough to the trailer she stopped in her tracks. Because there she was. Meredith knew it, she just needed to see it for herself. For once though, Addison looked almost normal. No fancy clothes or impossibly thin heels. She looked human. wearing a grey hoodie and jeans, her hair held together by a claw clip on the back of her head. She was sitting on the steps of the deck, huddled up in a ball, but as soon as she saw Derek she stood up.

Meredith watched from afar as he approached her, his steps too heavy and too fast, it made her uneasy. The eruption into an argument was almost instant, the two not even offering a basic greeting before they started yelling. Addison moved her arms a lot when she yelled, she kept touching her hair and her face, pacing back and forth as she did.

“Who I date is none of your fucking business, not anymore! You lost that right months ago and you know that!”
Derek’s voice carried further than hers did, the large open air only making them seem louder. Of course Addison had come to argue about her, Meredith almost scoffed. She was still trying. She almost felt sympathy for Addison, but a part of her felt good about it. It was like she was getting a taste of her own medicine.

“Oh my god Derek this isn’t about her! Not everything in your life has to revolve around Meredith Grey! I’m just saying it looks awful when you parade around your intern girlfriend when you are still married to me! You want to date some perfect twelve year old? Go crazy! I don’t care, but for the love of god sign the divorce papers already. Let me go. I am begging you”

Meredith had never been knocked off her high horse faster in her life. Her stomach dropped, her head spinning at a mile a minute. Sign the papers? What did that even mean? Had he not signed them? He told her … and she had believed him. She fucking believed him.

“You haven’t signed the papers?”
Meredith’s voice was quiet, a frail question laced with betrayal and shock. How could he? He lied. Again. And she had been foolish enough to believe him. It was as if the two had just noticed her presence, both turning at the same time. She couldn’t look at him, she couldn’t look at his face because she already knew how he would look at her. It would be the same way he looked at her the night Addison came strolling into that lobby. Instead she looked at her, which was almost worse, because Addison looked almost … guilty. It was such a contrast from her face the first time she had shattered the rose tinted glasses Meredith so proudly wore.

“Meredith …”
The second Dereks voice reached her ears she flinched away from them, as if merely hearing him speak was hurting her. He stepped forward, and she instinctively stepped back.
“I was going to sign them, I swear I just-“
“When did he give you the papers?”
Meredith cut Derek off, looking only at Addison. Regret swirled in her eyes, the woman opening her mouth before she looked away from the blonde.

“When, Addison?”
It wasn’t a question, it was a demand. A demand for the knowledge she had clearly been too foolish to try and find out herself. The woman’s name shot from her tongue, practically spitting it, not even realizing she had said it.
“I gave him the papers the day after Richard offered me a job…”
Oh how things just got better. Meredith laughed bitterly, her eyes lifting to the sky as she felt tears burn in her eyes. He hadn’t even given her the papers. It had been almost a month since Addison had officially began working at Seattle Grace, and he had been lying that entire time, clinging to his marriage while leading her along, playing with her feelings like she was just another patient he could bend to his every whim.

Addison walked away first, Derek not even looking at her as she stormed away to her car. Meredith couldn’t move, she couldn’t will herself to do anything. She couldn’t look at him. She couldn’t speak to him. Betrayal settled deep in her chest, making it hard for her to even breathe.
“Meredith please-“
“Don’t … don't talk to me, don’t come near me, don’t say my name, don’t even fucking look at me. You are dead to me”
A bit dramatic, sure, but she could worry about that later. Right now she didn’t care. Right now all she wanted was to be as far away from him and his stupid trailer.

Meredith turned and walked away, ignoring him calling after her, but as she approached the car she realized something. How was she supposed to get home? He had drove them here, and his trailer was too secluded for her to call a taxi, that and the idea of having to stand in the cold and dark with him nearby made her want to run into the forest. Maybe she could take her chances with the wolves.

When she rounded the back of Derek’s car to at least break his line of sight of her she was surprised to see Addisons car was still there. The engine was running, and she was sitting inside, blankly staring out the front window. Confusion was quickly replaced by realization. She was waiting for her.

Getting into Addisons car should’ve felt weird, it should’ve felt uncomfortable and unnatural, but as Meredith silently got into the passenger seat, she felt nothing but relief. Addison didn’t say a word, and neither did she. The woman just reversed out of her spot and drove away from the trailer, Meredith watching the porch light fade away in the rear view mirror.

The car ride was silent. Dead silent. The radio was off, and neither of them made any attempt to turn it on. Addison had one hand on the wheel, her other arm was leaned against the window, holding her head. The car smelt new, it smelt clean, and to Meredith that made perfect sense. How typical of Addison Montgomery to have a pristine car. The weight of recent events seemed to weigh on them both, the air thick, but it wasn’t tense. Its presence was known, but not unwelcome. A silent acceptance of the twos emotions.

Meredith looked out the window, her mind replaying Addisons words over and over like a broken record. The image of Derek’s face flashed through her mind, each second making her grow more and more frustrated. She hated him, but she hated herself more. She hated that she let herself believe that maybe for once something would work out for her. She just wanted to crawl into a corner and die, let nature take its course and free her from whatever this was.

The silence suddenly became unbearable, the car sitting at a red light, and Meredith finally turned to look at Addison. She had her eyes trained forward, her mind so blatantly elsewhere, and she’d pay to know what she was thinking right now. Instead Meredith went for the option that always worked best.

“Want to get a drink?”

The question hung in the air for a moment, Addison sighing quietly as she finally sat up, her fingers running along the wheel for a second.

“Fuck it why not”

The sound of the indicator clicking made Meredith almost smile, looking back at the window as they turned towards the direction of gods greatest gift to man. Alcohol. Meredith wasn’t sure if she should say something else, if she should thank Addison, if she should yell at her. Meredith didn’t know what she wanted anymore, she just knew she didn’t want to remember this night. She wanted to forget it all, even if just for a few fleeting moments. She wanted to forget Derek, and his current marriage, and how Addison was once again being nice to her.

That guilt was there again, gnawing at her. She hated it, and it always got worse when she was near Addison. Whenever she smiled, when she looked at Meredith with nothing but kindness, even when she looked at her with strained smiles and snapped comments, Meredith hated it. She hated how perfect Addison seemed to be, how she was always on schedule, how she talked to patients with nothing but reassurance, how she always looked so put together - even now in such a lacklustre choice of clothing - and today she smelt like vanilla.

And Meredith hated her.

Because if she didn’t hate her then why did she feel like this.

Chapter Text

What am I doing here?

The question wracked through Addisons mind consistently. While she sat in her in the parking lot of the hospital. While she stood before a patient, telling them their baby would die. While she sat alone in the cafeteria. While she stood in the hall, watching the way her husband stared at another woman like she was his whole world.

What am I doing here?

It was a cold night. The air nipped at her nose, turning the skin pink as she pulled her knees to her chest, her chin resting upon them. The thought of going back to her car was fleeting, an idea that seemed good for a mere moment, but when her eyes lifted to the sky she felt she needed to stay. The stars were beautiful, bright lights peppering black sky - it made her feel small - like all her problems were a mere insignificance in comparison to the universe. She didn’t know if the feeling comforted her or made her feel worse.

Derek’s trailer was small. A tin can full of remnants of the man she called her husband - the man she called her boyfriend. She had stayed there briefly, when the idea of repairing an already shattered marriage was still a possibility, and she had hated it. Derek loved it. Derek loved a lot of things Addison hated. Addison loved a lot of things Derek hated. It was nothing more than another wedge between them, pushing open the ever-growing fault line.

A hand instinctively reached to her face, running across her eyes as if she were trying to rub away the image of him, but he was burned into her mind. Fused so greatly with her memory, intertwined with her life in a way she could never describe.

Derek was late. They were supposed to talk, at least that’s what Addison had proposed while the two were together at the nurses station. Just talk - but she knew what that meant. She knew it meant fighting. They used to talk, oh how they used to talk, and then it stopped. It stopped so suddenly it was like crashing into a brick wall, Addison pulling herself from the wreckage and attempting to ignore her wounds.

What am I doing here.

The distant sound of a car approaching made her tense up, her hands almost trembling. She wasn’t ready, then again she feared she never would be. She hated when they fought, because she knew it was her fault. She had ruined him. Turned him into some angry husk of the man she had once loved. Even before … everything Derek had changed. It didn’t happen overnight - it was a slow build. A slow creep of distance, and she had been blind to it. She wondered if maybe she had noticed sooner, said something earlier, none of this would have happened.

Addison squinted momentarily as the headlights beamed, watching the car park and then the engine shut off. From afar she could make out another figure in the car with him, but truthfully she couldn’t see who it was. She had her suspicions though.

The door slamming made Addison uncurl herself, her thumb brushing across her ring. She should take it off - she knew that - but how could she? It had become too comfortable on her finger, hugging the skin and leaving a permanent dent on her flesh. She could hear Derek walking - no storming - over to her and she knew what was coming. For a moment it felt like the calm before the storm, but when she looked at his face she knew what it was - she was right in the eye of it.

“-I am begging you!”
The words fell from Addisons lips, looking upon her husband with nothing short of desperation. Her hands clung to her sweater, as if she were physically trying to tear her heart out to him, as if mutilating herself would finally be enough for him to let her go.

There was a beat of silence, the two staring each other down, until a frail voice broke the silence. Addisons head swerved, her eyes fixating on the source. Meredith. Oh Meredith. Addisons demeanour shifted, her rage - her desperation - fizzling away as her arms lowered.

Addison knew the look in her eyes, she had seen it so many times. Eyes glossed over, vacantly staring at Derek, waiting for him to say something. Waiting for him to acknowledge her. It was similar to the look on Meredith’s face the night Addison came to Seattle. Admittedly, now that she knew Meredith, she felt a bit guilty about it all. She could’ve said it better, could’ve been less aggressive about it - but at the same time she didn’t regret it.

Addison knew Meredith hated her, the woman wore her hatred with pride, her rage burning so passionately it heated Addisons skin if she stood too close. Perhaps under different circumstances the two could’ve been friends, at least Addison liked to think so. When she looked at Meredith she saw someone with potential. Someone with untapped knowledge that was just waiting to be shared with the world. Addison knew the day she had taken Grey on her service that she was good, and every day she spent in that hospital she was only proved more and more correct. She understood Derek’s attraction, but it didn’t make her appreciate it.

The way Derek looked at Meredith made her sick. She had spent years yearning for Derek to look at her like that. It was the same look he had given her when they first met- like nothing else existed around them. As if the woman before him was the only thing in his mind, so encapsulated that he didn’t care what was around him. It was what attracted Addison in the first place. The way he noticed the small things, the things she thought nobody else would. And then everything changed. And then she made it so much worse.

“When, Addison.”
The demand made her shift, tugging at the ends of her hoodie to give her hands something to do. Her mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, the worlds not reaching her tongue. She could feel Derek’s anger, radiating off him like a thick cloud, but she ignored it. Meredith deserved to know. Meredith deserved more than this.

Addison didn’t know Derek had lied, but it made sense in retrospect. She had seen the way Meredith looked at her - at her ring. The silver suddenly felt cold against her finger, the urge to take it off overwhelming her. It was the first time she had wished for it to be gone, and the thought wracked her to her core. She couldn’t be near him. She couldn’t stand by him. While Meredith began to talk to (or more yell at) Derek, Addison made a break for her car. She should leave. She shouldn’t be here.

What am I still doing here.

The car was warm, that was nice at least, and she wanted to leave. She wanted to go home, but she couldn’t will herself to drive away. She had no right to stay, no right to intrude upon their relationship any more than she already had, but she didn’t want to leave Meredith. Addison knew if she left she would spent the evening wondering if the intern got home okay. So instead she waited, and waited, and waited, until the car door opened so suddenly it made her jump. Meredith didn’t say anything, but Addison didn’t want her to.

What am I doing here?

Addison had only been to Joes once, she only really knew of this places legacy within the staff of Settle Grace. She didn’t mind bars, but she never came here because she knew Meredith and Derek liked it here, and a part of her wanted nothing to do with the blonde. Yet here she was, sitting on a slightly sticky bar stool, watching as the younger downed shots of tequila like it was water.

The music was loud, countless intoxicated people bustling around behind them, yet Addison barely heard any of it. She was still in a state of limbo. Stuck between two different realities and neither of them were ones she wanted. She shouldn’t have come to Seattle, she knew that, and if she could undo it all she would.

Addison tapped her fingers against her glass of coke, her ring clinking against the glass each time, her eyes watching it. She should take it off, but every time her fingertips touched it she flinched like it burned her. She couldn’t do it. It was so pathetic but she just couldn’t.

So instead she turned to look at Meredith. Meredith Grey. It seems without even trying Meredith had cast a shadow so large over Addisons life she didn’t think she’d ever escape. It was all she heard. Meredith. Meredith. Meredith. Her name danced through her mind, their eyes always seeming to find each other in the endless crowds of the hospital halls.

When she wasn’t seeing her she was hearing about her. It wasn’t her fault, she didn’t chose for Addisons husband to fall in love with her. She didn’t chose to step into something so twisted and messy, a bloody crime scene of what was once their marriage. But when Addison saw her all she saw was the woman her husband loved. The woman who was everything she had wanted to be to him. She tried to ignore it, but each time she would catch the pair in a moment her knees would buckle. She’d watch as Derek touched her face like he used to with her, how he’d intertwine their fingers and whisper in her ear, how she had looked at him with sparkles in her eyes - it reminded her of herself.

Meredith’s eyes drifted to Addison, and it was only when the blonde was facing her that Addison could see that she was already quite drunk. It wasn’t entirely unexpected, she was on shot number … seven? eight? Honestly she had lost count and frankly it wasn’t really her place to say anything. When Derek had left she drank so much wine she almost forgot what water tasted like. One corner of Meredith’s lips were curled up, giving her a sort of lopsided grin as her head swayed a little without her even realizing. It was amusing in a way. Addison had always seen Meredith bursting with rage and exhaustion, seeing her like this was a complete contrast.

“Why did you cheat on your husband?”

The question ripped through the silence between the two, Addison almost flinching at the question. She turned back to her drink, a bitter laugh leaving her mouth before she brought the glass to her lips. It was a bold question, but not an invalid one. A myriad of answers flashed through Addisons mind, each one a mere pathetic excuse for what she did. Then again what did she have to lose? She could say it was to save someone’s life and she doubted Meredith would look at her than any more of a whore either way.

“I was lonely I guess - which I know sounds pathetic and that’s what everyone says - but it’s true. I wanted my husband to pay attention to me, he wasn’t, and Mark he was just … he was there”

Addison trailed off, not wanting to get into the details about what was once her and Mark. It was more than him just being there, she knew that, but frankly Meredith didn’t need to know. She didn’t need to know that while still married Addison had began to fall for someone else, being swept off her feet by a man who had always been there, seemingly waiting for the perfect moment. She felt bad - for leaving him the way she did - but she wanted to try fix things with Derek one more time. Grasp at whatever strands remained of her marriage in an attempt to put it back together.

Addison turned to look at Meredith again, her eyes slightly lowered in shame. She didn’t expected Meredith to be empathetic, it’s not like Addison deserved it. She was the adulterous wife of her ex-boyfriend, there wasn’t much more to it than that.

“I don’t blame you, I would’ve done the same thing”
Before Addison could stop herself she snorted, quickly moving a hand to cover in mouth in shock that she had let out such a noise. That was when Meredith broke. She practically erupted into a fit of laughter, throwing her head back as she did, clearly drunkenly amused by Addisons reaction to what she said. At least she was proud of herself. Listening to Meredith laugh was nice, she had a nice laugh. Her shoulders bounced, her hand moving to cover her mouth as strings of giggles escaped through her fingers as she clearly tried to stop laughing. It made Addison smile.

The two exchanged in simple conversation - or more Meredith would talk about anything and everything and Addison simply hummed and nodded along in acknowledgement. She talked about the hospital, about her friends, about Derek, and anything else that popped into her head that was surface level enough to be casual conversation between the two women. It was only when Joe cut off Meredith that Addison looked at her watch. It was just shy of two am.

While Addison didn’t have to be at the hospital for morning rounds, she knew Meredith did, and as much as she enjoyed listening to the other slur over stories that Addison didn’t care about, she knew they had to leave. She placed a hand on Meredith’s shoulder, pulling the younger from her story and she whipped her head to look at her, almost like she had forgotten she was actually talking to another person and not just to herself.

“We should get going Grey, it’s pretty late and you are quite drunk”

“ ‘m not”

Addison rolled her eyes sarcastically as she stood up, taking Meredith’s jacket from the back of her chair and placing it on her shoulders.

“I’ll drive you home okay? Come on”

Meredith stumbled from her stool, catching herself with Addisons arm before she stood up straight, letting out an awkward laugh. It was as if she had just realized how much she had drank. Oh how she sympathized with the hangover the poor girl would feel in the morning. Maybe she would have to take her on her service tomorrow, so she could at least keep an eye on her … not that she really cared. Meredith had made the decision to consume an obscene amount of tequila.

Getting Meredith into the car was a lot easier in theory. Sure she sat down okay, attempting to reach for the door but Addison just closed it for her. When she sat in the drivers seat she watched as Meredith attempted - and continuously missed - to buckle in her seatbelt. The silence of the car was filled with the sound of the buckle, followed by annoyed grumbles from Meredith. Eventually the humour around the situation faded and Addison reached forward, her hand encapsulating Meredith’s and guided it so she could buckle in. The touch of their skin was brief, but Addisons palm seemingly tingled for a few moments after the contact ended.

The drive - similar to their first - was quiet. Addison didn’t mind it though, in fact she quite liked it. The roads were pretty empty because it was late, and for a moment it felt like it was just the two of them left on earth. She hadn’t thought about Derek much since they arrived at the bar, so even if Addison was nothing more than company and a driver, she appreciated the distraction for a while.

They were almost at the house when Meredith began to shift in her seat, bringing a hand to her mouth for a moment. Then there was a burp. A churn of her stomach. Followed by -

“Addison … I don’t feel good”

Addison quickly sat up, her head moving between looking at Meredith at the road, moving a hand to place it on Meredith’s shoulder.

“Okay okay I’m pulling over. Just hold it for a second please Meredith don’t! Meredith … Meredith please nonono-“

Addison attempted to pull the car over, but it was too late. Meredith’s shoulders raised, her head moving forward and she vomited. A lot. The smell immediately engulfed the car, Addison just watching in horror as her brand new car was painted with bile and remnants of food. She had parked the car on the side of the highway at this point, the hand that was on Meredith’s shoulder moving to rub her back slowly as the intern let out a distressed groan.

There was a moment of silence again, a beat, before a wail left Meredith’s lips, her eyes screwing shut. Addison flinched her hand back, her body almost frozen as Meredith began to sob.

“Doctor Montgomery I’m sorry”

Her apology was drawn out, her words broken by cries. Addison didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what to say. She was good at comforting patients, but she was also prepared for that. Nothing could’ve prepared her to have Meredith Grey sitting in her car, covered in sick and crying on a Tuesday night.

“Shh shh it’s okay, hey it’s okay just calm down. You’ll get sick again if you work yourself up too much. I’ll take you home now okay? Please stop crying Meredith”

It didn’t work. The rest of the drive Meredith was crying, spluttering out apologies. She was sitting forward, her hands away from her body as if it would somehow make the amount of sick on her disappear. Addison had fully opened the windows, but it didn’t help much. Her head was practically hanging out the thing as she drove, trying to avoid inhaling the smell. Sure she worked with sick people all the time, but they never had to fester in a confined space covered in their own upchuck. Addison just wanted to go home, she wanted to go to bed.

When they finally reached Meredith’s house Addison practically flew out of the car, running around it to open the other door and get the intern out. She kept her arms outstretched and her body back, guiding her out while avoiding the touch of sick.

“Addison I am so so sorry this is so disgusting and I ruined your car and I ruined your marriage. I ruin everything I’m sorry”

Meredith’s babbles continued as she stumbled forward, gagging again like she was going to throw up but she managed to keep it in this time. Shame she couldn’t have done that earlier, but Addison decided not to dwell on that.

“Oh Meredith shush, it’s fine. You didn’t ruin anything, just worry about that tomorrow right now you need to get to bed okay? Are your roommates home?”

Addison carefully walked her to the door, Meredith simply nodding in response to her question. She walked her up the steps, the woman’s body finally leaning against hers and Addison could feel the wet soak into her hoodie. Thank god she wasn’t wearing nice clothes. All she could really do it slowly pat Meredith’s back as she sniffled, clearly on the slow recovery from her breakdown in Addisons car. She was a mess - and Addison felt bad for her. She didn’t pity Meredith, in a way these were simply the consequences for her actions, but she wasn’t a monster. She could see a broken, stressed, drunk woman and feel bad while she ignored all the other factors that may sway her opinion.

The first ring of the doorbell got no answer. Neither did the second. Or the third. By the forth try Addison was starting to get irritated. Sure it was late but surely they knew Meredith was out for the night, and the frantic pressing of a doorbell is a pretty good indicator that something was going wrong.

The ringing continued until Addison saw a figure moving on the other side of the door, not that it was hard too, the front door was made of glass after all. She couldn’t make out who it was though, just someone short, and clearly tired - and not wearing pants. Meredith began to sink beside her, groaning and mumbling incoherently and Addison wrapped her arm around her waist, holding her up while she watched as the guy basically stumbled to the door.

It was only when he opened the glass door that he looked up and Addison was met with the horrified face of George. The man’s face flushed, quickly grabbing the bottom of his t-shirt and he pulled it down in an attempt to cover himself. At least he was wearing boxers.

The thought of making a comment crossed her mind, but then Meredith let out another whine and she sighed. George looked between the two of them, confusion evident on his face. She couldn’t blame him. It was two in the morning, Meredith was still in the clothes she wore to her date - they were now just covered in vomit, and she was hunched up against her boyfriends ex wife.

“Sorry to wake you O’Malley, but I didn’t want her to try and find her own way home. Can you make sure she gets to bed? Get her water and some painkillers too, she’s probably dehydrated she got sick a lot”

Addison lectured as she sort of handed Meredith over to him, but instead George stepped back, his eyes watching the vomit. She stood there, holding Meredith by her shoulders for him but he made no move to touch her.

“I don’t … do vomit that well Doctor Shepherd”

“It’s Doctor Montgomery now George!”

Meredith corrected, pointing a finger at him as she stumbled over her own foot before attempting to stand up straight. At least she had stopped crying now.

“I can put myself to bed I am a-okay, perfectly fine, no problems here, no ma’am”

Meredith attempted to reassure as she turned to look at Addison and slipped from her grip, but when she went to step through the front door she tripped and almost face planted but managed to catch herself on the door. The blonde stood up and she started to stumble into the house, her body swayed from one side of the hall to the other as she approached the stairs, leaving George and Addison at the door.

“You’re a doctor George, you need to handle a bit of a sick every now and then. Just make sure she at least gets into bed please”

Addison stepped back, watching as Meredith clung onto the bannister as she began to wobble up the stairs. At least she knew she was safe now, she was in her house, and based on the second woman’s voice she heard upstairs, she wasn’t alone with George either. Addison knew Izzie also lived there, so it was nice to know she was also now awake and aware of her drunken state. George simply nodded, still looking at her with confusion, like he wanted to ask what her and Meredith were doing together in the first place, but he didn’t. Addison was grateful for that.

When Addison finally retreated to her car she let out a loud sigh, opening the drivers side door and she looked at the crime scene that was now her front seat. Now that Meredith wasn’t in the car she could wallow in her annoyance. Sure it wasn’t entirely Meredith’s fault, she can’t control when she throws up, but it didn’t mean Addison wasn’t upset about her car. She didn’t even know how to get vomit out of her seat, but it was late, and she was exhausted and she just wanted to go home - so that’s what she did. Everything else would be a problem for tomorrow.

While driving, without the company of another, her mind twisted and turned around what was now her life. Her husband - soon to be ex - wasn’t signing the divorce papers, she didn’t have any friends here, she was staying at a hotel, everyone she worked with hated her, and now she had the vomit of her husbands mistress in her front seat. Thinking about it all it made her laugh, because if she didn’t laugh what else was she supposed to do?

What am I doing here?

Addison almost dreaded the idea of going into work tomorrow. Now not only would she have Derek in a rage all day, but she doubted Meredith would too keen to talk to her. Not that she ever was anyway, but after tonight she couldn’t image how much worse it was going to get. She was preventing Meredith and Derek being together after all, so that made her to enemy, the enemy who’s car smelt like vomit.

Because Meredith hated her.

And there was nothing she could do about it.

Chapter Text

The pounding in Meredith’s head was incessant. Her temples throbbed like the beating of her heart, trying with every passing moment to pull her from her sleep. The blonde groaned in annoyance, as if vocalizing her feelings would suddenly make the headache stop. It didn’t. She rolled onto her back, her eyes still screwed shut because even behind her eyelids the room was too bright. She expected the feeling of her cheap bedsheets, tattered material that sagged off the mattress because she rarely bothered to apply to sheet properly, but this morning she felt something different.

Meredith outstretched her arm, the palm of her hand gliding along the silk material. It was soft, and the other side of the bed was warm but there was nobody there. A recent departure. The next thing she noticed was the smell. Floral. Sweet. It smothered her. There was too much of it. It wasn’t the delicate amount that Meredith could appreciate. She felt like was choking on it. Her eyes finally opened, fluttering before she shut them again, flinching away from the light bleeding through the half drawn curtains.

The pounding got worse, her entire mind numbed by the pain. Eventually she tried again, her eyes half opening this time to get a grasp of her surroundings. Relief settled in the bottom of her stomach when she realized she was in Izzies bedroom. Meredith had one too many moments of awaking in a strange room, so it was nice to wake up in a place she at least recognized.

Meredith slowly moved her head, looking at the bedside table. It was cluttered with empty water bottles, birth control packets, makeup and some takeout boxes form the Chinese restaurant two blocks away. However there was also a glass of water and two Tylenol pills closest to her and Meredith’s hand shot out, her body raising from the mattress like a woman possessed to drink the water. She took the pills and gulped down the liquid like it was the first time she had hydrated in weeks.

The dryness in her mouth subsided only briefly, Meredith opening and closing her mouth in disgust to try and rid the feeling. Then she got a taste of something, something disgusting, and she almost gagged merely at remnants of it. When had she thrown up?

The bedroom door creaked open and Izzie walked in, a small pink towel wrapped around her dripping body, her hair wrapped in another towel of the same colour. When she saw Meredith awake in her bed she smiled briefly, grabbing her hairbrush from her dresser and she freed her hair before brushing it in front of the mirror.

“Mornin’ sleepy head. How are you feeling?”

Meredith only gave a grunt in response, putting her lowered head in her hands as her tattered hair fell across her face. She was in different clothes than when she left, and from the way they hung from her body she could assume they were Izzies.

“What happened last night?” Meredith’s voice was hoarse, her words practically a croak. Izzie just laughed, still brushing her hair but she looked at Meredith through the reflection of the mirror.

“Talk about a cliche question, but I have no idea what happened until you got home. You basically fell up the stairs and I helped you clean up because you were covered in puke and frankly that was disgusting - so you owe me big time for that. And then you talked about how much you hate men, you said you should just become a lesbian and then you fell asleep the second I put you to bed”

Izzie explained while beginning to apply moisturizer on her face, rubbing it on her cheeks as she continued to stare at Meredith in the mirror. All the other could do was groan again, falling back against the pillows. She tried to recall moments of the night, replaying her day in her mind.

Derek. She had gone to dinner with Derek. And then they had gone to his trailer. Her chest tightened, breath catching in her throat as she remembered Addison. Addison was there. Then she was in Addisons car … they went to Joes. Somewhere between then and here she had gotten sick and also gotten home. Maybe she had called a cab.

“Oh and George answered the door with no pants on and he said Doctor Montgomery was trying not to laugh at him. He was so mad.” Izzie laughed as she recalled the previous night, uncurling the wire for her hair dryer as she did.

“Like I don’t know what he expected. You answer the door without pants on people are going to see you without pants on.”

Meredith shifted uncomfortably in the bed, her mouth suddenly going dry again. Addison had brought her home? She hated that she couldn’t remember, her palm rubbing her forehead. Addison drove her home. She kept repeating it over and over in her head until her memory began to come back to her in pieces. She talked to Addison a lot. Addison had smiled a lot. Then Joe cut her off. Addison brought her to her car.

Meredith remembered sitting in the front seat, her head against the window as she watched the streetlights blur passed. She had felt peaceful, maybe the alcohol had contributed to that more than she’d care to admit. And then suddenly she hadn’t.

The wave of realization crashed over Meredith and suddenly she felt sick all over again. She had puked - all over Addisons car. She remembered the woman begging her to hold it in until she pulled over, followed by her begrudgingly rubbing her back to make her feel better.

“Oh my god I threw up in Dr Montgomerys Porsche”

The statement hung in the air for a moment, Izzie completely frozen before she sucked in her lips, her chest rising rapidly as she attempted to contain her laugh for the sake of Meredith’s pride. It didn’t last long though. Izzies laugh echoed around the room, her hands desperately covering her mouth in an attempt to stop herself. Meredith grabbed a pillow, throwing it at her friend which only made her laugh harder. She couldn’t blame her though, and just seeing her housemate in hysterics made Meredith laugh a little too. What else was she to do besides laugh.

-

As much as Meredith wished she could not go to work, missing a day at the hospital was similar to missing a week at any other job. Every moment was a new learning opportunity and she wanted to be there, but as she stood in front of her locker, tying the string of her scrub pants, Meredith wanted nothing more than to lay down and go to sleep. Her head was still foggy, her body aching in places she didn’t even know possible, but at least the headache had subsided by now - mostly because she had popped enough painkillers to numb her entire being.

The rounds were typical. Some patients the same as the previous day, some new, some old ones left. Rounds were the easy part, in a way it was a nice ease into an impending day of chaotic running around, but today Meredith was off her game. She yawned as George listed off things about the patient, quickly covering her mouth with her hand but she could sense Doctor Baileys gaze fixating on her. She wasn’t in the mood to deal with the resident, she didn’t have the strength to bite back at her. Thankfully she said nothing as they continued, Meredith occasionally swaying where she stood. She felt nauseous, the deduction to skip breakfast in exchange for more time in bed was now coming back to bite her in the ass.

One by one the interns were designated their attending, each one handed a file by Bailey. While waiting for her own case Meredith’s eyes wandered, and oh how she wished they hadn’t. Her eyes gravitated towards red, unwillingly landing her gaze on none other than Addison. She was standing by the nurses station, her hip and elbow leaning against the counter while she read a file. She was scrubs today - blue scrubs. A sign she was staying. A sign she was now one of the many surgeons who would patrol the halls of Seattle Grace. Just a week ago the colour would’ve drove Meredith mad. It would’ve set her off into internal rage and she would be inconsolable for the day … but now? She felt nothing but indifference.

Meredith was convinced this woman had a sixth sense, as if she could feel the second Meredith’s eyes reached her. Her eyes lifted from the file, looking towards Meredith through her eyelashes. The eye contact was brief, because Meredith wanted to keep it that way. Her ears went red, embarrassment from the previous night consuming her, but when she looked back and Bailey she was staring right at her. She was frowning, her eyebrows furrowed as she basically glared at her.

“Doctor Grey. You’re with Doctor Shepherd”
This had to be a punishment. This was not coincidental, she hadn’t been on Derek’s service in a long time, Bailey wanting to keep to two separated in at attempt to dampen their ‘inappropriate’ workplace relationship. She didn’t want to take the file, because she knew once the file was in her hands it was official. She would have to see Derek again, she had at least hoped she’d be able to avoid him for a few more days.

Eventually the stalling became impossible and Meredith hesitantly took the case before slowly walking away, as if she were waiting for Bailey to change her mind - but of course she didn’t. She sulked away like a scolded child, her shoulders slumped and head lowered. She didn’t know what she’d say, she didn’t know what he would say. She had worked while Derek while he was mad at her before, but this was different. She could already imagine the hurt puppy look on his face. It made her shiver.

“Doctor Grey!”
Meredith was almost to the elevator, but she immediately stopped. She slowly turned, glancing over her shoulder to see none other than Addison quickly approaching her. It was weird to not hear the woman walking, her heels clearly left with her non-scrub clothes. She heard the elevator doors open behind her, and she was almost tempted to run into them. She didn’t want to deal with Addison for a completely different reason. Shame.

Meredith rarely got sick when she drank, she made it a point not too, but of course the one time she does it happens to be in front of her ex-boyfriends ex-wife and also in her very expensive car. An uncomfortable smile spread across her face, her head still lowered as Addison finally reached her. The elevator doors closed. She was now trapped.
“You walk fast I was worried I wouldn’t catch you”
Addison chuckled to herself, moving a hand through her hair. It was curled again today, but looser. She had it tucked behind her ears, but the strands of her fringe still rested on either side of her head. She wasn’t wearing her typical lipstick today, her lips being a light pink rather than deep red. Meredith tried not to look at her face, her eyes lowering to instead look at the rectangular glasses that sat snugly in the neck of her scrubs. She didn’t know Addison needed glasses.

When Meredith didn’t acknowledge what she said Addison cleared her throat, the smile on her face dropping as it was replaced by a look of professionalism, as if she were attempting to have a casual conversation before.
“I was wondering if you’d like to be on my service today. I have a few surgeries lined up that I think would be a great learning opportunity”
Addison adjusted the file in her hands, her fingers drumming along the side of it absentmindedly. Meredith didn’t know which was worse. Derek or Addison. Her ex-boyfriend or the ex-wife who she had gone all exorcism on.

“I’ve already been assigned to Doctor Shepherds service”
Meredith’s words came out lower than she intended, the intern almost mumbling as she continued to avoid Addisons eyes.
“Oh … well do you want to be on Der - Doctor Shepherds service? Because if not then come with me”
Addison then turned and began walking away, while Meredith stayed rooted to her spot.

Realistically she should go to Derek. She didn’t care much for neonatal, and she had fallen behind on sitting in with neuro over the last few months … but just the thought of seeing him, hearing his voice, it made her legs move before her mind had even settled on a decision. She walked a step behind Addison, but even from back there she could see the way her cheeks lifted, like she was smiling.

-

The first few hours were a blur and Meredith couldn’t pinpoint if it was because it was busy or because her body was still stuck in a state of nausea. She had to slow down a few times, catching herself on the wall as she clutched her head. She popped painkillers at every interval she could, drinking enough water to last her a lifetime, but nothing was working. She had hoped it would get better as the day went on, but her body just got more and more exhausted by the minute.

“The complications with the surgery are minimal, but naturally there are a few. Lucky for you I will be preforming it and I have done this procedure countless times. You’re in good hands I can promise you that”
Addison sat on the edge of the patients bed, giving the nervous woman’s hand a squeeze while Meredith stood against the wall. Bedside manner was something that was hard to perfect. To get that perfect balance of reassurance and also explanation was difficult, but of course Addison Montgomery seemed to be perfect at it. She seemed to be perfect at everything, but Meredith couldn’t find that rage within her anymore.

When the two excited the room Addison reached into her lab coat pocket, pulling out a protein bar and handed it wordlessly to Meredith. She hadn’t even realized she still hadn’t eaten. She graciously took it, tearing open the wrapper and taking a bite. It was cinnamon flavoured, it tasted like Fall, like warmth.

Addison took a seat on an empty stretcher, pulling out a bar for herself and Meredith hesitated before sitting beside her, keeping a gap between the two of them. It was nice to sit down, finally relieving her legs even if just for a few brief moments.
“How are you feeling?”
Meredith sighed at the question. She had hoped Addison simply wouldn’t bring up last night, that she would sweep it under the rug and spare her the embarrassment, but no. Once again Meredith was not so lucky.

“I’m alright, my head hurts a bit but nothing I haven’t dealt with before”
A slow nod was all she got in response, a silence lingering for a few moments, waiting to be broken by one of them. Meredith was the one to do it.
“I’m sorry … about everything yesterday. And your car. I can pay to help get it cleaned if you need-” She really hoped she didn’t “-and thank you for bringing me home and everything. I didn’t even mean to drink that much”
The apology hung between them, Meredith’s fingers playing with the wrapper of her bar. She didn’t expect Addison to forgive her, she just wanted to apologize to try and ease the guilt settling in her stomach. She wanted to stop feeling guilty so much.

Addison swallowed what she was chewing, flicking her hair out of her face as she turned to Meredith.
“It’s alright Grey, it’s better you got sick in my car then in a taxi. And I just used some wet wipes and air freshener and it cleaned it up just fine”
She gently pat her hand against Meredith’s thigh, an attempt at reassuring her. Even through the fabric of her scrubs Meredith could feel how soft her hands were, how warm they were against her skin.
“I was more concerned you were going to panic and turn towards me”

It was amazing to Meredith - how quickly the tension dissolved. She laughed, just a small bit, but when she looked at Addison she was forcing her mouth into a frown as if she were trying to stop herself from laughing. That just made her laugh more, which then made Addison laugh. It was probably an odd sight. Two women who had no business even being friendly, sitting on an empty stretcher in a hall, laughing with each other like the funniest thing ever had just happened before them.

Addison moved a hand to her face, as if she were wiping a tear from her eye, trying to catch her breath for a moment.
“I almost took you to the hospital it was so bad! It was everywhere!”
She wheezed, only laughing more at the recollection of it and it just made Meredith laugh more, the skin of her face burning. She leaned back against the wall, closing her eyes as she held her stomach in an attempt to calm herself down.
“I think I would’ve died of embarrassment if you dragged me in here covered in puke and crying! I could never show my face again!”
Addison started coughing, waving her head to Meredith as if she were telling her to stop while she gasped for air. Meredith watched her, her laughter dissolving to a quiet giggle.

For a moment nobody else existed. It was just Addison. Addison who was still laughing. Addison who had a piece of the protein bar on the corner of her mouth. Addison who she should hate. Addison who should hate her. Addison who was always kind. Addison who seemed to care. Addison who - despite what Meredith would tell herself - was beautiful. It was if the lights of the hall simply enhanced her beauty, catching her in all the right places so she was practically glowing, like she could marvel the sun itself. She wondered for a moment how Derek couldn’t see what everyone else saw, how he couldn’t at least try.

Addison finally stopped laughing, looking at Meredith before one of her eyebrows raised.
“What? Do I have something on my face?”
The question was a joke, a common line someone said in response to staring, but a grin tugged at the corners of Meredith’s lips.
“Yes actually, you do. Right there”
She gestured to the corner of her own mouth to show her before Addison quickly brought her hand to her cheek, wiping it as her eyes darted down in brief embarrassment. Meredith had to stop herself from laughing again in fear it would merely set the two off once more.

The moment between the two was quickly ended when Meredith saw someone approaching from the corner of her eye, but it seemed Addison had already noticed. Her demeanour changed a little, she sat up straighter, moving a hand to quickly fix her seemingly perfect hair, but the smile that lingered on her face from before stayed.

Derek approached the two of them, not sure which one to glare at more, his steps heavy and fast. He was like a child storming around after getting in trouble, it was almost embarrassing to look at. He stopped in front of them, evidently unsure about the scene that had just unfolded.
“Doctor Grey was supposed to be on my service today”
The statement was directed at Addison, who stayed seated on the stretcher in front of him as he crossed his arms. It was weird to see him look at someone like that - to look at them like he didn’t even know them. It wasn’t the Derek she knew, it wasn’t the Derek she had loved. And the fact he was looking at Addison like that made her feel a little uneasy.

The hatred Meredith could understand to a point. Although Derek had divulged the details of the woman’s affair, she felt like some pieces may have been missing from the story. Minor details that perhaps he hadn’t even noticed, ones that were kept only on one side of the marriage, but alas it wasn’t really her business. Or at least she tried not to make it her business - but it seemed everyone else was keen on changing that.
“Yes well a patient that Doctor Grey had worked with previously was going in for surgery, and I thought it was only fair she get to scrub in and-“

“So you guys are just the best of friends now, is that it? You show up unannounced and try to weasel your way through all my life all over again?”
Derek snapped so harshly Meredith instinctively retreated backwards, her gaze lowering. Addison, however, had the exact opposite reaction. Her body lifted, moving forward as if she were challenging him with her body language. Her eyebrows shot up, a scoff leaving her lips before she stood up.
“I am not having this conversation with you. Not here. Not in front of other people”
And suddenly ‘Satan’ was back.
“Grey go get the labs for Mrs. Robinson and tell her she’ll be ready for surgery shortly, I’ll join you in a moment”

Meredith stood up, hesitating for a moment. She didn’t want to leave Addison with him, not while he looked like he was ready to explode any second, but she didn’t doubt the woman’s capability to handle him. She just nodded, happy to have an excuse to leave the scene and the last thing she saw when she looked back was the ‘couple’ going into a random room. Oh to be a fly on that wall.

-

Meredith had been waiting outside the patients room for almost twenty minutes, rocking back and forth on her heels as she chewed on the inside of her cheek. She didn’t know when an appropriate time to go and find Addison was. They still had time before they had to be in the OR, but with every minute that ticked by the urge to page her grew stronger and stronger. Maybe she should, to release her from whatever situation she had found herself in. Instead Meredith waited, her eyes watching as people bustled around the hall before her.

There was never truly a peaceful moment in a hospital, because even when things were calm, it only made people more on edge. The calm before a storm. If Meredith closed her eyes she felt like she could focus on specific sounds. The beeping of the heart monitor in the room behind her, a bed being rolled down the hall that had a wheel that would constantly screech, the sound of pen scraping against paper, the occasional coughs from the people laying still in their beds, and the sound of footsteps.

Blue eyes opened, turning down the hall and there she was. Addisons head was lowered, pinching the bridge of her nose, muttering under her breath. However when she saw Meredith she seemed to perk up, like a puppet who’s strings had been lifted, but her eyes were what gave her away. The corners of them were red, contrasting green, and the mascara she had previously been wearing had ever so slightly smudged at the corners. The tip of her nose was red, the apples of her cheeks matching the colour, and her bottom lip was puffy as if she had been chewing it.

“Sorry got held up for longer than I thought. Did you tell her everything? Walk her through it slowly? You know how she is about the procedure”
Addisons tone was indifferent, unchanged as she took the file from Meredith, glancing down at it, but the blonde didn’t respond. She couldn’t stop looking at her, the urge to ask if she was okay dancing on the tip of her tongue. She shouldn’t ask, it wasn’t any of her business, but she knew if the roles were reversed Addison would ask. Then again Addison was kinder than she was.
“Doctor Grey?”
Meredith licked her lips, looking down at the file again as she tried to collect herself.
“I told her everything, she said she’s ready. Or as ready as she’ll ever be”
There was a moment where neither of them moved, simply standing in each others presence, looking at the file but neither of them reading it.

Meredith made no effort to move, she would stand there as long as she needed too, she would wait an eternity if that’s what Addison needed - but she told herself she would do that for anyone. She didn’t believe in karma, but she liked to think that perhaps what she gave out to the world she would get in return, even if at a considerably lesser amount. She just wanted something, someone to free her from this never ending spiral of bad thing after bad thing that she had been falling down for as long as she could remember. Meredith had thought that person was Derek, that he was finally the one to grab her and pull her free, but he had only prolonged the inevitable of the fall.

Addison was the one to move first, closing the file before giving Meredith a look, as if she were silently thanking her, before going in to the see their patient. While Addison spoke Meredith simply watched. She watched the way her foot would occasionally tap the ground, the way she flicked her hair with a simple turn of her head, the way she moved her hands when she spoke.

The ring caught Meredith’s attention again. She was still wearing it … and Meredith couldn’t figure out why. This was the same woman who had been pleading with him to officiate their divorce the day before, yet the rings sat snugly on her finger. It was as if that formed a singular crack in the facade Addison seemed to put forward. It was oddly vulnerable. Desperate. The exact opposite of how the surgeon tried to present herself.

Because Addison was smart, she was classy, she was professional, she carried herself with such an indescribable level of pride and confidence, and today she smelt like sandalwood. And she was still wearing her wedding ring.

And Meredith hated it.

Chapter Text

The right side of the bed was empty.

Addison always slept on the left side. She had slept on that side of the bed almost half her life. Even now, even when she was alone, the hotel room snubbed of any light from the drawn curtains, Addison lay on the left side of the bed. She had her back facing the other side. It was a habit. Muscle memory. To face away from whatever may be laying there waiting, but there was nothing. Not her husband. Not her lover. No one.

The choice to get out of bed was one that was made daily, it was always the same. Begrudgingly she would rise up from her mattress, the sheets slipping from her body as she planted her two feet on the ground. The carpet was rough against the soles of her bare feet. She stretched, arms above her head, until she felt her back crack and then she relaxed again with a faint sigh. She turned, looking to the bed, as if expecting to see someone there - but there wasn’t. There hadn’t been in a while now.

Addison stood, even if her body willed her not to, and she walked to the en-suite. There she washed her face, brushed her teeth, followed by her hair. She stared at the shower, debating if she should wash herself before work - but settled on doing it after. She did this every morning. It was familiar. It was routine. Each day she stood in the bathroom, staring at her reflection as she combed her brush through the tangled mess that was her hair.

Addison looked at her reflection until she couldn’t bring herself to look anymore, until her mind twisted what her eyes saw, her thoughts distorting and disassembling the facade of the woman she saw staring back at her. She put the brush down. She left the bathroom.

Clothing was the only thing that broke her routine. Typically - when she was at home - she would scan her vast closet space, her fingers trailing along the racks upon racks of dresses, shirts, skirts, but now all she had were her suitcases. Each one had a designated clothing item, each one had their own corner. She didn’t want to move them, to mix them up. She was running out of clean clothes, but the thought of visiting a laundromat made her feel queasy. She shouldn’t have to do that. She should be at home - with her husband.

Addison swallowed, her mouth going dry. She needed to stop referring to him as her husband. He wasn’t her husband. He was her ex-husband. She had cheated. She had ruined it. She had given up, long before any of this even happened. They had both given up, she was just the one to act on it first.

Her shirt was purple today, a dark purple, and she paired it with a black skirt. The colours matched. They looked nice. She looked nice. She looked professional. She looked like the world class neonatal surgeon that she was. She looked like Doctor Montgomery - not Addison. Not the woman who cheated on her husband. Not the woman who was living in a hotel room. Not the woman who - despite everything - didn’t know what she was doing.

The last thing Addison put on every day were her heels. They were always last, even after her jacket. They were the final piece in the puzzle that was the picture of Addison. The great thing about heels was that they didn’t allow imperfection. If she didn’t walk with confidence, if she didn’t carry herself with pride, her ankles would twist. She would falter, she would trip.

The heels are to stop that incessant slouching Addison, it’s embarrassing me.

She grabbed her purse and quickly left the room, brushing away her mother’s words as she approached the elevator. Once she was in the parking lot she looked in her purse for her keys. She rummaged through the bag, her steps slowing before she groaned. She had forgotten her keys. This day was already going perfectly.

-

Every time Addison stepped out of that hospital she felt like she was throwing herself off a cliff, stepping over the edge and free falling for as long as her body could take it. Everything was uncertain, unknown, but when she was inside that building it felt like she was catching herself - if only briefly. She knew hospitals. She knew what she was doing. She stopped at the entrance, the threshold between the outside and inside. Her hand gripped the strap of her purse tighter. She could do this. She had done it every day for over a month now, but today it felt different. She could tell something was wrong.

Everything seemed fine. Her patients were normal, typical cases she had no problems with, but she couldn’t shake the feeling. The feeling that something was going to go so, so wrong.

Addison walked down the stairs towards the nurses station, looking at her phone as she did. It was as if the air shifted, that feeling of dread getting worse. Then she heard it. Laughter. A mans laugh. A laugh she knew all too well. A laugh that she had heard in her bed late at night when she knew he shouldn’t be there.

And there he was.

Mark Sloan.

Mark fucking Sloan.

And he was talking to Meredith Grey.

There was a beat, a moment where she couldn’t move. Frozen halfway down the steps, watching like a deer in headlights. Watching as he flashed that charmed smile to the blonde, that same damn smile he always flashed at her. And Meredith was smiling back, shaking her head like she disapproved of what he was saying.

Addison took a single step, her heel clicking the ground, and it sounded like a gunshot. It echoed across the room, louder than any voice, louder than anything. Mark looked up, looked away from Meredith, and when their eyes locked for a brief moment his smile faltered. It shifted, twisting into something almost wicked.

Addison finally descended the last few steps and Mark made his move, practically stalking towards her as his grin grew even more. She could see Meredith watching them, but she didn’t care right now.

Addison put her phone into her jacket pocket, crossing her arms as Mark got closer to her. She tried to look annoyed, unamused, but Mark was smiling at her, and Addison practically melted.

“Addison”

“Mark.”

The silence between them didn’t linger, because it never could. Mark opened his arms, and Addisons resolve disappeared.

“C’mere”
The woman stepped into his arms. It felt so familiar. Her arms wrapped around his neck, his around her waist. They fit together perfectly and Addison rested her chin on his shoulder. The smell of his cologne clouded her thoughts, her eyes closing as a faint smile appeared on her face. He squeezed her, his arms low on her waist. The hug went on longer than one normally would. It was too familiar. Too intimate.

“What are you doing here Mark?”
The question came out harsher than she meant, finally stepping back from the man’s arms. Addison had a feeling she knew why Mark was here, she could tell by the way he was looking at her, but she didn’t want to admit that to herself.

“You know why I’m here Addison”
Marks hand reached up, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. His hand was warm, his thumb grazing her cheek for a moment and she moved her head away from his touch. She knew it was wrong, even now, while she technically wasn’t even married anymore. It felt so wrong, but she couldn’t deny that unsettled feeling in her gut had fizzled out.

~

Meredith had gotten good at pretending. She had been doing it her whole life. Lately though she felt like she had been doing it a lot more. She was pretending she was okay. She was pretending she didn’t miss him. She was pretending that her life wasn’t coming undone by the seams. However right now, she was pretending to write notes. Her pen dragged aimlessly across the lines of the page, the words not even tangible anymore, but she didn’t care. She had nothing to actually write. She was merely … observing.

Her gaze would constantly flick to her left, to the base of the stairs. She wasn’t trying to be nosey, it just so happened that something she was interested in was happening a mere few feet away from her. She watched the pair embrace, seeing the way Addisons body seemed to relax like the man had just relieved her of a weight she didn’t know she was carrying.

As the two parted Meredith continued to watch, the pen in her hand going stationary as she watched his hands move her hair, watching the way Addison seemingly flinched away. She couldn’t hear them, but she didn’t need too. For once the woman’s emotions were written all over her face. She looked … tired. Eventually the two separated, Addison turning from him to walk away. With her back facing him, Meredith could see her face. Her gaze was lowered, a hand tucking hair behind her ear, and she was smiling. It was a sheepish smile. A smile that she almost seemed ashamed to be adorning. Who was this guy?

However Addison didn’t make it far, and while Meredith closed her notepad she saw a flash of white. A movement so fast, so determined, that nobody even had time to react. All that anyone could process was the sound of bone hitting bone. Derek was now standing in front of this man, watching as he stumbled back and clutched the side of his face. Derek’s fist was clenched, his breathing heavy. A collection of gasps filled the sudden silence, everyone watching in frozen shock before Richard stepped forward. Meredith hadn’t even noticed he was nearby.

“My office. Now!”

-

“So that’s the guy Addison slept with?”
Christina finally spoke up, glancing over at Meredith. They were standing in one of the glass halls - the one that had a perfect view to the inside of Richard’s office. Derek and Mark were sitting in front of his desk, meanwhile Addison was sat on the couch with her head in her hands. Even from the muted perspective it was clear they were all yelling, well all of them except for her. Meredith didn’t think she had moved the entire time.

“I mean I can’t blame her”
Izzie snickered, earning a simple hum of agreement from Christina. Meredith didn’t say anything. She had heard what happened from Derek, how he had found his best friend and his wife in their bed. How he had left and come to Seattle for an escape. How he felt like his entire life ended that day.

“I wish I knew what they were saying … so he just ran up and punched him? In front of everyone? I didn’t think he had it in him”
Christina continued, to which Meredith simply nodded. She had nothing to contribute to the conversation, in fact she was barely listening. She couldn’t stop looking at Addison.

The woman was practically curled in on herself, her hands sliding from in front of her face to either side of her neck, her head turned upwards as her left leg bounced in its spot. She hadn’t said a word. It was weird to see her like that. She looked so small, so insignificant. That wasn’t the Addison she always saw. That Addison made it a point to be seen, to be heard, to be noticed.

“I’d be pretty proud of myself if I managed to pull both of those men”
Izzie’s words earned an eyebrow raise from Christina, who turned to face her. The two then began bickering about if it was really was a ‘victory’ or not, but Meredith still didn’t care to listen. She couldn’t stop looking. The urge to walk in there and take Addison out of the room rushed over her, her fingers twitching inside her pocket. She knew she couldn’t, she shouldn’t, in fact she shouldn’t even want to do that. What purpose would that serve? Addison was a grown woman, a woman who was seemingly suffering the consequences of her own actions. Even still, Meredith felt pity for her.

The intern had to look away, she couldn’t bare to watch anymore, so she instead turned to her two friends and found amusement in their conversation.
“I’m not saying I agree with cheating! I’m just saying if I was going to cheat Mark Sloan is certainly a man I would consider”
Izzie pointed out, making Christina throw up her arms in defeat and turn on the spot she was standing.

“Just because he’s attractive doesn’t make it suddenly better Izzie! That’s not how that works. You cheat, you’re a cheater. Simple as”
Meredith froze, her body tensing as her eyes moved past Christina and to the doorway of the hall.
“Well maybe there was a reason! You don’t know, maybe McDreamy is awful in bed, ask Meredith”
The two turned to look at her, but they stopped talking when they saw her face.

When she didn’t react to their words the two instead turned to follow her gaze and both of them froze alongside her. Because Addison was there. She was standing a few feet from them, hands on her hips as she stared - no glared at them. That soft, small look from inside the office had clearly been pushed aside, because the woman that stood before them was the embodiment of the nickname she had been given. She stood tall again, proud. Nobody spoke for a moment, the three interns cowering under her intense gaze.

“Don’t you three have somewhere to be?”
The question was one of more accusation. A way of scolding them for sticking their noses where they didn’t belong without outwardly saying it. Izzie and Christina quickly mumbled out apologies, nodding before running off to find something to do to be free from the grasp of Addison. Meredith didn’t move though.

The blonde stayed where she stood, almost rooted to the spot. She looked at Addison, trying not to shift under the weight of her stare. Meredith felt … guilt in a way. She couldn’t decide if it was guilt for getting caught, or guilt that she had engaged in the conversation at all. She wanted to ask Addison if she was okay but the question caught in her throat. Instead the two wordlessly stared, the domineering anger in the surgeons eyes shifted to something more akin to disappointment.

“Addison I-“

Meredith’s pager went off, the beep cutting off whatever she was about to say. In truth she didn’t know. She didn’t know why she said her name. Why she addressed her so informally. She looked down at her pager, quickly pressing it to stop the beeping and when she looked back up Addison had already turned and was walking away, her lab coat trailing behind her. Fuck. Just when Meredith though that maybe, just maybe, herself and Addison could at least have a somewhat cordial relationship. Why were her friends such loud mouths?

-

It was an honour for any intern to be able to scrub in on a surgery, an unmissable opportunity of learning they could never experience in school, so Meredith tried her best to learn. She tried her best to be excited, but any attempt she made was dampened by the presence of Derek. It was supposed to be George, but he got held up in the ER and Meredith was the only free intern. She had wanted to say no, to offer it to someone else, but what good would that do her? It wasn’t often you got to witness someone getting practically half of their brain removed.

She had to stand close to him to be able to see, but she also wanted nothing more than to create distance. He didn’t look at her and she wished she could say she didn’t look at him, but that would be a lie. She would glance at him from the corner of her eye, watching as his eyes were completely focused on the patients brain. She wondered what he was thinking, what on earth could be going on in his head.

In a way Meredith felt bad for him - just a small bit. She couldn’t imagine having your old best friend and the man your wife slept with simply show up out of the blue would feel good. In fact she couldn’t blame him for punching Mark, she probably would’ve done the same thing. Just maybe not in the middle of a hospital.

“Doctor Grey, what do you see?”
Derek’s tone was cold, distant. It was same way he probably talked to a stranger on the street, there was no emotion. No feeling. No history. She swallowed before leaning closer, answering his question to which he said nothing and explained what he was doing. At least he had the decency to still teach her, that she could appreciate.

Once the surgery was finished the two scrubbed out, each one on an opposite end of the room. She glanced at him again, but he was too focused on his hands. Should she say something? What could she even say?
“Derek…”
The man tensed, but he didn’t stop washing his hands. He scrubbed between his fingers, not even acknowledging her.
“I’m sorry”
The apology seemed to stop both of them, Meredith quickly shutting her mouth. What was she sorry for? Why was she saying sorry?

Derek finally turned to look at her, his eyebrows furrowed
“For what?”
He sounded expectant, like he believed there was something to apologize for. She hesitated, her mouth opening and closing as she tried to think of an answer. Her mind went blank and Derek scoffed, grabbing some paper towel to dry his hands.

“You shouldn’t say stuff you don’t mean”
His tone was bitter now, a scowl on his face as he threw the paper into the bin. It was Meredith’s turn to scoff, blinking at him in disbelief.
“That’s rich coming from you”
The words slipped from her tongue before she could bite it, immediate regret hitting her as she looked back down at her hands. Derek glared at her, stepping closer.
“Excuse me?”
This was dangerous. She didn’t want to fight him, not here. Not in the scrub room of an OR. But Meredith was angry. She was so angry

“You! You have said so many things to me you didn’t mean. You lied to me Derek! All. The. Time. You lied about your wife, you lied about your divorce, you lied! And yet you expect me to just deal with it! To - To act like it’s totally okay. Well news flash it isn’t. None of this is okay. We are not okay. I am not okay. And all you can think about is yourself! About how hard all of this is on you. Well what about me?”

Meredith couldn’t stop. Once the words started they wouldn’t stop, no matter how much Derek looked at her like he wanted her to stop.

“I thought you were this perfect guy and look at what’s happened. I thought maybe, just for once, I’d be able to be happy about something without it going wrong!”

A lump caught in her throat and that’s what finally stopped her. She looked away, down into the sink as she took a slow breath to try and calm herself down. For a moment it made her feel better, but then she suddenly felt worse. She was a fuse waiting to blow, and nobody seemed more keen to light it than Derek.

“You don’t get to speak to me like that.”

Her skin prickled, heat flushing the back of her neck as the room suddenly began to feel small. Her breaths didn’t feel deep enough, her lungs pleading for oxygen. Her stomach sank, her heart raced, and if Derek spoke more she couldn’t hear it over the thumping in her ears. She left the room. She left without letting him finish, because truthfully she never even wanted him to start.

The lights were too bright. The hall was too loud. Her clothes were too tight, too hot. Everything was too much and yet not enough. She practically stumbled down the hall, ignoring the looks she got from the nurses as her hands fumbled with the handle of the door to the supply closet. She just needed a minute. A minute to breath. She slammed the door, pushing her back against it.

Meredith shut her eyes, gasping for air as she laid her palms flat against the cold door to try and regulate her temperature. Breathe. In and out. In and out. In and - she let out a groan in frustration. This was so stupid. She was so stupid. She tried to breathe, her breath catching in her throat and she let out a choked gasp. She couldn’t breathe. She felt was going to pass out. The world was spinning. She felt like she was falling, falling so fast she feared she would hit the ground. Her knees buckled, the door being the only thing holding her up now.

“Meredith?”

The voice made Meredith’s eyes shoot open, panic evident in them. She was sweating. Her vision was blurry and she blinked to focus, but she wished she hadn’t. Because Addison was standing there, a tray with gauze in her hands. Of course Addison was here. Why wouldn’t she be? This was just the kind of day Meredith was having. It made everything worse.

The blonde opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. She tried to breathe in again, but nothing. Her head slumped for a second, her hand tensing against the door to try and ground herself but she couldn’t. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t do this.

~

Addison could’ve sent a nurse to do this. She could’ve asked an intern, but a part of her needed a minute. Needed the peace and quiet that only a small supply closet could provide. She had tried to forget everything about today. She had a job to do. Her patients came first, personal drama came second.

She rummaged through a few containers of items, picking up a few things she felt she needed. She was taking her time. Enjoying the moment. A rare moment of peace. Until it wasn’t. The door flew open with such ferocity that it made Addison jump, almost dropping the supplies in her hand. Typically when a door opened and slammed so fast it was a couple sneaking off for a quickie, so when Addison turned she expected the worst, but it was just one person. Meredith.

She watched as the girl stood against the door, completely unravelling. Sweaty, breathless, shaking, silently breaking. For a moment Addison said nothing, just watched as the intern tried to bring herself down, but only seemed to work herself up more. It looked like she was on the verge of having a panic attack.

“Meredith?”

It seemed her voice startled Meredith more than she intended, her eyes darting around as if Addison wasn’t standing inches away from her. Meredith’s hand moved to her chest, gripping her scrub top as if she were having a heart attack. Addison immediately put the supplies down and placed her hands on Meredith’s arms, holding her still.

“Meredith. Meredith look at me. You need to breathe, okay? Come on deep breaths. Copy me, okay? Just focus on me.”

Addison took slow, rather dramatic, deep breaths in and out, motioning for Meredith to follow along. Instead the intern shook her head, gritting her teeth as she let out an almost pained cry.

“Hey hey keep looking at me. Come on Meredith you just need to breathe. You can do it. Focus Meredith”

Addison placed a hand on the side of Meredith’s head, her thumb against the blondes cheek as her eyes refocused on Addisons. For a moment they just held the eye contact, Addison taking slow breaths that Meredith attempted to mimic. It took a few minutes of this, the two silently sharing a breath, before Meredith seemed to calm down a little.

Her body had stopped shaking, her eyes settled, her chest began to move at a normal pace. Addison let go, stepping back to give Meredith space but she made no attempt to get them to leave. Instead she sat on the step stool in front of the shelves, silently waiting for Meredith to be ready. She didn’t expect the other to talk, she didn’t have any expectations for her, as long as she was okay that was enough.

Meredith sank down to the floor, sitting with her knees to her chest. The two sat in silence for a while, Addison truly wasn’t sure how long. It could’ve been a minute, it could’ve been ten. It didn’t matter. It was just the two of them.

“I haven’t had a panic attack since I was thirteen”
A bitter laugh left Meredith’s lips as her eyes focused on her hands, picking at the skin around her nails. Addison hummed quietly in response.

“I lost it on Derek … I don’t know why I did it. He just said something and it set me off. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I used to be so good at keeping everything together”
Meredith continued. Addison said nothing. She just listened, because sometimes that all someone needed.

“I don’t know why he didn’t tell me. I think he knew I’d leave him, but I just don’t understand how he thought I wouldn’t find out”
Meredith finally looked at Addison, and she knew it was now her turn to talk, yet her mind went blank. She sighed, brushing down her skirt to give her hands something to do.

“I think … Derek wanted to believe he could work it out. He probably knew that you’d find out eventually, I think he just wanted to live that fantasy with you for as long as possible.”
Addison could give nothing more. She couldn’t explain the mind of Derek Shepherd, but oh how she wished she could. Even after eleven years of marriage she could never quite figure him out.

The silence returned, neither making an effort to break it. It was becoming a habit between the two now. A welcomed, comfortable silence. An acknowledgement of their existence that didn’t need words, didn’t need anything. It asked for nothing and gave nothing in return. Eventually Meredith stood up, a quick, shaky sigh leaving her lips. She took hold of the door handle, opening it but she didn’t walk out yet.

“I feel like it’s your turn to talk about your emotions next time”
Meredith finally spoke, a dry chuckle leaving her mouth and Addison couldn’t help but smile.
“I don’t think there’s enough time in the day for that, Grey”
Meredith smiled faintly, her eyes lingering on Addison for a moment longer than needed.

There was a silent meaning behind her eyes, one that Addison interpreted as a ‘thank you’. She simply nodded once, Meredith finally looking away as she left and closed the door quietly behind her. Addison stayed sitting there, sighing to herself as she rubbed her temple. It was weird, for the time Meredith was with her, Addison felt almost peaceful. Like her presence wasn’t a burden. Like she was welcome. The realization hit her harder than she wanted. The realization that maybe, just maybe;

Meredith didnt hate her.

Chapter Text

The initial touch was gentle, it was purposely soft. The very tips of fingers brushing across her lower stomach, her body twitching beneath the touch, a quiet gasp leaving her lips.

The skin was warm, it was soft, nails occasionally making contact with the skin that merely made her squirm. They trailed downwards, slowly - agonizingly slow - which earned nothing more than a desperate whine.

A quiet chuckle was all that was received in response. Breath was hot against her neck, the need for more contact burning on her skin. She needed it. She craved it.

“Please.”

It was quiet. A desperate plea for something more than this, something that could easily be provided. It was desperate. Wanting. A hum was all she heard, a silently acknowledgement of the request yet there was hesitation. Purposely or not it made her squirm again, her hips moving absentmindedly.

Fingers moved lower, the nails dragging along the delicate skin of her lower stomach. She winced, her back arching slightly in attempting to retreat away from the sudden ache. Heat pooled between her legs, squirming more as the hand moved slower and slower, yet it still got closer.

Teeth nipped at her neck, a broken moan escaping her lips and she was merely shushed, the hand freezing in place. Her nails dug into their back, right above the sharp shoulder blades. The skin beneath her nails was soft, tender, and it earned a satisfactory groan into her ear. Something she revelled in, a faint smirk tugging at the corner of her lips.

The hand moved further down, finally sliding past the threshold of normalcy, dipping beneath the hem of her pyjamas, the elastic stretching to grant complete access. The hand was warm, firm, pressed between her legs like it had always belonged there.

Her breath caught in her throat, her body arching forward against the heat of the person above her. Another chuckle, breathy and right against her ear this time, followed by a gentle nip against it.

“You have to stay quiet Mer. You don’t want someone to hear, do you?”

The voice was familiar, warm, comforting. A whisper blended with the fog of her mind. Hair slipped across her face, her eyes fluttering for a moment. Red. She saw red. Red cheeks. Red hair. Red lipstick.

And the smell of cinnamon.

Meredith’s eyes shot open, her body jolting upwards as a desperate gasp left her lips, like she was gulping for air she hadn’t consumed in days. Her hands gripped the sheets beneath her, frantic panting being the only sound that filled the empty bedroom. The room was dark, the curtains drawn, and Meredith retreated back to her sheets. Her eyes were wide, her chest still rising and falling rapidly. What. The. Fuck

~

For the first time in a while there was a warmth on the other side of the bed. A presence, acknowledged by a dip in the mattress. Addisons eyes fluttered open, her gaze focused on the wall. Her back was facing the right side of the bed again. It was habit. She stirred a little, which was enough of a signal that she was awake.

Bare skin pressed against her back. It was hot, almost sticky against her skin. She wanted to move away, but the arm that snaked around her waist held her in place. Even if she couldn’t fully remember the events that led to her no longer being alone in her bed, the sinking regret in her chest was all she needed to know who was behind her.

“Morning Addie.”

Marks voice was rough, thick with sleep, but it was familiar. She had woken up to him beside her for months, and she had sworn to herself she wouldn’t do it again, but who was she kidding. It was Mark. It was always him. She just couldn’t control herself around him, and he knew that. She hated that he knew that.

Giving nothing more than a hum in acknowledgment at his greeting, Addison reached out for her phone, flipping it open and she froze for a second when she saw the time.

9:43

She shot out of bed, the cold air hitting her bare chest, but she didn’t care. The head rush she got from standing too fast made her stumble, stepping over the strewn around clothes from yesterday. She could hear Mark laughing from the bed as she looked at herself in the mirror. She looked a mess.

“What’s the rush, sweetheart? You regrettin' this already?”

His words carried through the slightly cracked open bathroom door, Addison frantically brushing her hair to try and tame it. So much for routine.

“I have a surgery scheduled for ten thirty! I must’ve slept through my alarm.”

A cry of distain left her lips as she spoke, her brush getting caught in the tangles of red. This only seemed to make Mark laugh more, hearing him get up from the bed and begin to pick up his clothes. When he entered the bathroom he was completely naked, Addisons eyes moving down before she could stop herself but she quickly looked away, frustration growing within her. She needed to get ready. She was going to be late.

Mark didn’t look much better than her, even with his short hair it was tussled, sticking out in all directions. He had lipstick smeared across his face, his neck, his chest … she shoved the toothbrush into her mouth, scrubbing harshly.

“This was a mistake Mark. I can’t do this with you again you know that.”

Addison spoke as she spat out her toothpaste before she looked at him again, and he was smirking. Of course he was smirking.

“Come on Addie you say that every time and yet I always end up beside you at the end of the night.”

He walked closer to her, reaching out a hand to grab her waist but she quickly swatted it away. She tried to look angry, look serious, but even with furrowed eyebrows she was fighting back a smile. She knew Mark was right. She did it every time. She would wake up, regret it, tell him it was wrong and inappropriate, but late at night all she could think about was calling him. She didn’t love Mark, and she knew he didn’t love her, but god did they have amazing sex.

“No! No Mark I’m serious. No more. I have to go to work. I have a job to do, and you being here is just distracting me!”

Addison pushed past him, ignoring the way his hand brushed against the side of her leg. She frantically picked through her suitcases, finding herself something to wear within the dwindling amount of clean and presentable clothes. She needed to do laundry. As she dressed she could feel Mark looking at her, leaning against the doorway, but she didn’t look back. As she tucked her shirt into the hem of her skirt she heard him move, shift himself back towards the bed.

Once the path to the bathroom was clear of Mark she went back in, quickly putting on some makeup to try and hide the hungover, fucked looked on her face.

“What are you doin’ here Addison?”

The question seemingly came out of nowhere, it making Addison stop for a second, her grip on the lipstick tightening for a moment before she went back to applying it.

“What do you mean?”

She knew what he meant. He knew she knew. The problem was, she didn’t know why she was still here. She couldn’t answer the question. She still refused to look at Mark as she came out of the bathroom, grabbing her phone and keys and throwing them into her purse. She had twenty minutes to get to the hospital. It was doable, just not in an entirely legal way. She could afford a speeding ticket if it came to that.

“You came back here to fix your marriage, and now you’re divorced. You’re living in a hotel room for gods sake. You should come home with me, there’s nothing for you here and you know that.”

Addison did up her jacket, her fingers fumbling with the buttons but she ignored him. He was right, she just had nothing to say. She had no defence. No reasoning. There was nothing in Seattle for her, yet something kept pulling her back into that hospital.

“I have to go. You should also go. Go home, Mark.”

Addison slipped her feet into her heels, lifting her foot to do up the straps before she left, ignoring Mark calling out after her.

~

“Where is Doctor Montgomery?”
Baileys exasperated voice broke the silence within the patients bedroom, a hand on her hip as she looked at Meredith as if she would somehow know where the surgeon was. The intern shrugged, looking at the clock. The surgery was supposed to start three minutes ago. Although it wasn’t an earth shattering delay, this wasn’t like her. Addison was never late.

Truthfully Meredith wasn’t too upset about Addisons absence. After … whatever last nights twisted distortion of a dream was, she wasn’t sure if she could face the woman. She hadn’t been able to go back to sleep, simply laying on her back and staring at the ceiling as she tried to wrap her mind around whatever that was.

Meredith had had sex dreams before - of course she had. Everyone does. She could even argue she had those kinds of dreams about men she worked with, but the key factor was missing from her dream last night. Addison is not a man. Addison is a woman. A beautiful, scary, kind woman who Meredith had only ever seen as someone who she could almost consider a friend. At the very least she had no qualms with her - not anymore. But nothing more. It had never even crossed her mind to be something more.

“Hi! God I am so sorry Doctor Bailey I got held up in traffic and then - just a million other things. It’s clearly not my morning.“

Meredith tensed, her eyes darting to the doorway as she watched Addison practically swing around it to turn into the room faster. She was slightly out of breath, her cheeks pink, as if she had ran to the room. Her scrubs were on but they were messy, crumpled around her waist as if she had barely even tried to neatly tuck them in. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail but several strands were hanging loose around her head. To put it simply she was messy- a type of messy that Addison Montgomery typically never was. Miranda eyed her for a moment before shaking her head disapprovingly.

“Mhm. The OR is ready, we need to get her down there now if you don’t want to hog up anymore time.”

The resident handed Addison the file before she walked out of the room to get everyone ready to move the patient. Then it was just the two of them. Well the two of them and the patient - but she was already half asleep from the amount of pain medication she was on. Addison looked at Meredith, and for a moment her breath caught in her throat. It was as if she could feel Addisons hands on her, feel her breath against the skin on her neck.

“Doctor Grey! Will you be scrubbing in for the surgery?”

The words shattered Meredith’s memories, her eyes quickly darting away as the back of her neck flushed. This was weird. She felt weird. As if she had inadvertently overstepped some boundary into Addisons private life, like she had somehow violated the woman without even consciously meaning too.

“No … no I have uh other things I need to do with other patients, yaknow.”

A weak attempt at a laugh left the interns lips, and she watched as Addisons smile dropped momentarily. However it didn’t matter as several people came scurrying into the room, beginning to move the patient and Addison followed after them.

“I’ll see you later then!”

Was all she said before disappearing out the door and down the hall, leaving Meredith alone in the room. She let out a deep breath she hadn’t even realized she was holding in and quickly left, going the opposite direction. Maybe she just needed some space, needed to take a while of not seeing Addison to make this feeling go away. The woman had been practically looming over her life for the past few weeks, between the marriage and Derek and work, maybe her mind had twisted that into some desperate need for attention. At least that’s what she told herself.

-

“Okay what is with you? You’re acting weird - well weirder than usual.”

Christina finally spoke, making Meredith look up from her lunch tray and at her friend. She hadn’t even realized she had zoned out, staring mindlessly at the sandwich she hadn’t touched yet. She didn’t think she had been acting weird, but leave it to Christina to point it out. Meredith genuinely believed sometimes the woman could read her mind.

“What? I’m not-“

“Oh don’t give me that. You’ve been all jumpy and fidgety, you’re never jumpy or fidgety unless you’ve done something wrong.”

The woman didn’t even entertain Meredith’s denial, which just made her sigh. She was right - she was always right, but it didn’t mean Meredith had to appreciate it. She stayed quiet, hoping maybe it would make the other bored and drop the subject, but when she glanced at her friend all she was met with was an expectant look. How could she even bring it up? I had a sex dream about my ex-boyfriends ex-wife who I am now kind of friends with even if she probably should hate my guts.

Instead Meredith shrugged, picking up her sandwich and taking a big bite to try and buy herself more time before she had to talk. She looked around, her eyes stopping dead at a table in the corner. It was always the red that caught her attention first. Addison was sitting with Callie, the two exchanging in casual conversation as they shared lunch. She couldn’t hear what they were saying, but she saw the way Addison would occasionally smile, offering nothing short of her full attention to the other. She was sitting forward with her legs crossed, the dangling foot occasionally bouncing as her heel sat snugly over it.

“Oh you didn’t.”

Meredith jumped, looking back at Christina who was practically grinning from ear to ear. Meredith tilted her head in confusion, waiting for the other to elaborate on what she could possibly mean.

Then it hit her. The thing that Christina was insinuating. Meredith practically choked on her sandwich, the back of her hand smacking the others arm which just made her erupt into a fit of laughter.

“Oh my god no! That’s insane! And so inappropriate, I am not doing anything with her! I don’t even like women, oh my god you are disgusting.”

Christina only laughed more, almost falling back in her chair as the cackling seemed to draw the attention of people nearby. Meredith’s face flushed red, hiding in her hands from just the mere shame of it all.

“I’m joking! I’m joking, God Mer no need to get so defensive.”

Christina managed to splutter out through her laughs, clutching her stomach as she tried to calm herself down. Eventually she did, the intern sitting up and wiping fake tears from her eyes, clearly beyond amused with herself. While any other time the insinuation would’ve also made Meredith laugh, right now she didn’t find it funny. She was too confused, too conflicted with guilt about what she had done. Or imagined she had done.

“It’d be such a good slap in the face for McDreamy though.”

Meredith sighed, just shoving more of her sandwich into her mouth to stop herself from saying anything.

~

Meredith had been avoiding her. At first Addison thought it was merely because the intern was busy that they hadn’t come across each other. Usually she would see the blonde in the halls pretty regularly, even if it was just in passing, but for the last few days Addison hadn’t caught sight of Meredith. She knew the intern was still in the hospital, but she just tried to not think about it.

It had been a … hectic few days in the hospital. A nurse had told her there was something ‘in the air’ these days. Something to do with a full moon - truthfully Addison didn’t believe it. She was a doctor, she had no reason to believe in otherworldly energies, however with the amount of patients that had been dying or coming close to death it was hard to deny something was wrong.

By the time five pm hit four people had already died that day. Addison was relieved she was finished work, there was a weight looming over the the hospital, creeping into every corner and practically infecting everyone inside. It had gotten to the point where even the patients were scared of the surgery track record.

While leaving the hospital Addison caught a glimpse of the coffee cart in the main lobby, her steps faltering. She didn’t know why she did it, why she felt she needed to, but she was stood in front of the cart before she could stop herself.

Back in New York it had been tradition for the doctors to buy each other hot cocoa on bad days. It didn’t mean anything - not really - but it was something nice. A brief sweetness in a day that offered nothing of the sort. She was just going to buy one for herself, cut her losses of the day and try and enjoy something on her drive to the hotel, but while she waited she saw someone out of the corner of her eye.

Meredith.

Catching up to the intern was difficult on a good day, but carrying two hot drinks in her hands made it increasingly difficult. Addison couldn’t even try and be sneaky, to catch the other off guard so she couldn’t avoid her, because her heels were too damn loud. Eventually, thank god, a patient was wheeled from their room which made Meredith have to stop, giving Addison enough time to catch up to her.

“Meredith!”

Meredith’s shoulders tensed, her back still facing Addison as the surgeons steps slowed, the gap between them finally closing. The blonde turned towards her, an awkward, forced smile on her face. What was her deal? Addison cleared her throat, looking down at the hot chocolates. It felt silly now, she should’ve just left. She had no reason to want to give an intern hot cocoa, it’s not like the two had even worked together recently.

“I uhm … I got you this. I figured four surgeries four deaths, could use a little good JuJu.”

An uneasy smile appeared on her face as she held the drink out for Meredith, the paper cup hot against her fingers. She probably should’ve grabbed sleeves, but in the rush to catch the intern she had seemingly forgotten. Her gesture was met by a raised eyebrow, Meredith hesitating before reaching out and taking the cup, their fingers brushing momentarily. Meredith reacted like a startled cat, her body freezing up as she winced like merely touching Addisons skin made her physically repulsed.

“Thank you, Doctor Montgomery.”

An awkward silence fell between the two, the tension almost unbearable. Meredith’s eyes seemed to be on everything except the woman in front of her, as if looking at Addison would welcome unwanted interaction. It was weird. She hadn’t seen Meredith like this. Addison had seen her angry, she had seen her tired, stressed, overworked, unsure - but never uncomfortable.

“Did something happen?”

The question left her mouth before she could stop herself. Meredith looked rather taken aback at the question, as if she hadn’t expected Addison to notice something was off. As if she was shocked someone was actually paying attention - and cared enough to ask about it.

“I just … feel like you’ve been avoiding me. So I wanted to make sure that I hadn’t done something or something had happened between us, because you can tell me if it did. I’m all ears truly.”

“I mean four people died today, Doctor Montgomery. It’s been a pretty busy few days in general.”

Meredith’s response was blunt, and it was enough to make Addison feel like an idiot. She glanced down at her drink, swallowing hard before looking up again and nodding. Of course Meredith was busy. She was an intern. It wasn’t her job to pander to Addisons lonesomeness and entertain a friendship, it’s not like she had the time anyway.

You are always so clingy Addison. He’s probably working more so he doesn’t have to deal with your outbursts.

Addisons lip trembled for a moment, the inside of her cheek catching between her teeth. God she was such an idiot. She simply nodded again even though Meredith hadn’t said anything else. Usually she wouldn’t care, but she knew Meredith was avoiding her - and now she was acting weird too.

“Right. You’re right, I’m sorry. That was … yeah I’ll let you get back to what you’re doing. Have a good night Doctor Grey.”

Addison didn’t look at Meredith again, embarrassment steadily creeping up on her as she quickly turned around and walked away. It was a ridiculous thing to say, and frankly unprofessional, and it just made her sick. It was none of her business what Meredith Grey was doing. It was none of her business even if the intern was avoiding her. Clearly she had just read their interactions wrong, been too desperate to try and make friends in Seattle that she simply clung onto anyone who would talk to her.

Looking back maybe your ex-husbands ex-girlfriend wasn’t the best choice, but she thought that they were beginning to get along. She enjoyed spending time with her, it was easy with Meredith. She was easy to talk to, easy to simply spend time with. Addison didn’t think she’d laughed as hard as she had when the two were reminiscing on Meredith’s sick story in a long time. It felt good. It made her feel good, but it wasn’t friendship. She was realizing that now. She was Meredith’s boss, she was her superior, so of course Meredith had to be nice to her.

As Addison walked out the doors of the hospital she threw her hot cocoa in the garbage, grabbing her car keys from her purse. She needed to calm down. Nothing good came from her spiralling, she knew that. She just needed to get back to her hotel, get in the shower, and forget about all of this. Forget about Derek, about Mark, about Meredith, about everything.

“Addison!”

Her steps faltered, glancing over her shoulder and her stomach dropped when she saw him. Derek was practically jogging towards her, his doctors coat flowing behind him. She took another step, contemplating running to her car to avoid him. But then she saw it.

There was a brown A4 envelope in his hand, the seal open, and she knew what that meant. It wasn’t a file, it wasn’t work.

It was the papers.

It was amazing how Derek’s timing was always the worst. As if he knew when she needed clarity, and he would come bulldozing through her with a fucking smile on his face. Addison hated it.

“I couldn’t catch you earlier, but here.”

Derek held out the envelope and Addison didn’t want to take it. She knew she had signed the papers, but receiving them was a different thing. Physically holding the proof of their ended marriage was painful. The paper was rough against her fingertips, her hand gripping it so tightly it creased the envelope. It was over. Her marriage was over.

“So … that’s it then.”

A sad smile tugged at her lips as she spoke, her gaze lowered for a moment before she looked at Derek. Tears prickled at the corners of her eyes, but not his. He was smiling at her. Genuinely smiling. His eyes were practically sparkling, as if this were the best day of his life. He had looked at her like that before, when the two of them stood at the top of that aisle, vowing to love one another for the rest of their lives.

“Yes it is.”

His voice was wistful, the smile on his face only growing. He wasn’t gloating, wasn’t doing this to torment her, he was just genuinely happy. Happy that this was done, and that was possibly the worst part of it all.

“Have a good night Addison.”

Derek firmly placed a hand on her shoulder, giving it a faint squeeze before he turned walked away, leaving her stood there - tears in her eyes and divorce papers in hand. Addison wasn’t sure how long she was standing there, almost frozen in time, but it was only when the cold became unbearable that she moved. She walked back to her car and silently sat down, her eyes wide and unblinking.

As soon as the car door closed the sob that had been sitting in her throat broke free, ripping through the silence of the car as her eyes screwed shut. Her hands gripping the steering wheel, her head hitting against it as her cries wracked through the vehicle. Desperate, unrelenting wails left her mouth, her chest heaving as she attempt to gasp for air between each cry. She couldn’t stop, no matter how much she tried, so eventually she gave up and let herself cry. She let it happen, clutching the wheel tighter as she let everything escape her. It felt good almost, even if the ache in her chest made her feel like she was breaking.

Addison didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what she wanted. She didn’t know where to go. She only knew one thing.

She hated this hospital.

She hated Derek.

But most all, she hated it because it was all her fault.

Addison hated herself.

Chapter Text

You need to get your shit together.

Determination. It was all she felt. Addison was determined. She was determined to get herself together, to stop moping around in a puddle of self pity. She had to take control of herself before she lost it completely. No more feelings - no more parking lot breakdowns. She was a machine. A world class surgical machine. She had given herself time to sulk, time to wallow in her self pity, but it had been two months since she came to Seattle. Two months was far too much time for her to be in such an unsure state.

Addisons first goal was a small one - do laundry. She had to take things slow, her fragile mentality being one she would have to slowly curate up to be where it had been before. Being clean was good, it was refreshing, it offered a clarity in the chaos of her life. So begrudgingly she went to a laundromat, sitting on top of a washing machine as she watched her clothes spin round and round. Sometimes she felt like she was in one of them, uncontrollably spinning with only the brief breaks just for it all to start up again.

The next step was a place to stay. Archfield was nice, in fact it was a beautiful hotel - but it was a hotel. She was a surgeon with a permanent contract at the hospital, not a visitor. She lived here now whether she liked it or not, so she was going to try and like it. She had to try, because this was all driving her insane.

For the following week, everyday after work, she would drive around the city viewing place after place. Money wasn’t the issue - it had never been an issue for Addison - the issue was that she was picky. If she was going to throw heaps and heaps of money into something, she wanted it to be good. Sure she didn’t need a penthouse (although one of those did sound amazing) but she wanted somewhere nice. Somewhere she could finally consider home.

Finally, after many many more days of mental deliberation, Addison settled on a townhouse nearby the hospital. It was close enough that she could get to work easily, but far away enough that work wasn’t suffocating her. This was good. It was good. She was settling. Addison had managed to rope Callie in to helping her move, the two taking several trips to furniture stores and wherever else their hearts desired. It was nice. It felt good. For the first time in years Addison truly felt good.

When the chaos of everything settled Addison found herself standing in her living room, hands on her hips as she looked around the room in pride. Callie was flopped down on the couch behind her, star-fished across the new cushions. She took a minute, inhaling deep as a smile settled on her face. She had done it. She had ripped the bandaid off in quick swoop - or as quick as a two week move could be - but now that it was done a voice started nagging at the back of her mind. Now what.

“Thank you, for everything Callie. I really appreciate it.”

The other raised her hands, mock bowing her head as a smug smile rested on her face.

“I did tell you I was the best.”

Addison flopped down beside her, the back of her head resting against Callie’s arm. The two woman sat there for a minute, the exhaustion of it all seeming to crash over them at once. Addison felt like she could sink between the fold of the couch and never return. Eventually she turned her head, cheek resting against Callie’s forearm.

“I don’t know what to do now.”

A sad smile tugged at her lips, Callie silently moving the hand behind her to the side of Addisons head, running her fingers through her hair.

“Well right now you are going to go into that fancy new kitchen of yours and grab two bottles of wine. Then we are going to order Chinese food and spend the evening relaxing and talking about our deepest darkest secrets.”

Although that’s not what Addison meant by her statement, and she knew Callie knew that, the description of their evening seemed to take her mind off it. Callie was right. She needed to enjoy this. She needed to stop looking so far ahead that she couldn’t even see what was right in front of her. She needed to allow herself to be happy.

-

“In his favourite bedsheets has to be considered a form of physiological torture.”

Callie cackled, picking up a piece of broccoli with her chopsticks. Addison almost choked on her wine, covering her mouth with her hand as she quickly shook her head. This rug was new, she was not about to spew red wine all over it.

“I didn’t think that would be the worst part of it! We had five sets of the same coloured bedsheets and I never even noticed a difference!”

Addison proclaimed, her arms raising dramatically. The pair were now more than two bottles of wine deep, the glasses abandoned almost immediately and they simply passed bottle number four between them.

“And quite frankly how was I even supposed to know. He claimed favourite bedsheets yet spent every night at the hospital, seems rather hypocritical to me.”

She continued as she took the bottle from the others hand, swishing back a mouthful of the burgundy liquid. It was bitter in the back of her throat, and she scrunched up her nose briefly before shuddering. She loved wine, but even she found it a bit much sometimes. Then again she was too far gone to complain now.

A brief silence fell, the two taking a break from giggling like school girls to enjoy some more of the - now cold - Chinese food. Addison mindlessly stared at the bottle as she chewed on a spring roll, flakes of pastry falling into her lap as she did. She could worry about it in the morning. Live in the moment. Relax a little bit.

“So can I ask what the deal is with you and Meredith Grey?”

Addison stopped mid chew, her gaze lifting to look at Callie, and she was met with a challenging gaze. She raised an eyebrow in return, swallowing the food in her mouth before she downed it with another swig of wine.

“There isn’t a ‘deal’ with me and Meredith Grey.”

Callie hummed, looking down into her takeout box again and she poked around inside it, but that smirk didn’t leave her face. What did that mean? There wasn’t anything with her and Meredith. Meredith was a coworker, someone that shared a mutual ex, someone she had offered comfort to as she would anyone else.

After the night Derek had given her the papers Addison took a ‘break’ from Meredith, but something always seemed to pull her back to the blonde. They had worked together since, and it had been good. It had been fine. It had been professional.

“It just seems like there’s something weird going on there, that’s all. Cause yaknow you guys were talking and then not talking and talking again and you’re always asking about her and looking at her. I just didn’t know if there was some unmentioned drama.”

Callie finally fessed, slurping up noodles right afterwards and Addison poked her tongue against the inside of her cheek. Drama? There was no drama … sure she was still mildly upset that she had clearly misread the signals of their relationship, but it wasn’t anything serious.

“I only ask about her because I’m just … worried that’s all. She was really upset after the whole Derek fiasco and it’s one of those things that I understand completely so I wanted to lend her a hand. That’s it.”

Silence again - and Addison foolishly believed that Callie had dropped the subject. Sadly she was not so lucky.

“No cause I get that! But also you just seem … fond of her. You’re always super nice to her and seem in a generally better mood when you guys are working together and you let her scrub in a bunch and-“

“I slept with Sloan when he came back.”

The distraction worked, because Callie practically leapt up - which was impressive considering the pairs intoxication - and just like that the talk of Meredith had completely gone out the window. Addison didn’t know why she didn’t like Callie talking about her, it’s not like she was wrong. She wasn’t accusing her of anything, but at the mere mention of Meredith’s name Addisons neck got hot. She chose to blame the wine, because blaming wine was always easier.

~

There was a weight on Meredith’s chest. It was heavy, crushing, holding her down to her bed. She lay flat on her back, eyes fixated on the slight crack that was forming in the corner of the ceiling. She could hear her housemates getting ready outside the door, arguing in the bathroom, but she couldn’t move. Her limbs were cement, too heavy to move.

Then there was a knock at her door. She knew it was Izzie, it wasn’t timid enough to be George. Meredith didn’t respond, she didn’t move. She couldn’t move.

“Mer? Come on you gotta get up, we’ll be late for rounds.”

Izzie spoke as she pushed the door open, leaning against the doorframe as she gazed upon her paralyzed housemate. Meredith didn’t move, swallowing before she opened her mouth but didn’t say anything. Anxiety pumped through her veins, making her head spin and her finger twitch.

“I feel like I’m going to die today.”

Getting from her bed to the hospital was a blur. She felt like she watching herself from afar, her mind lagging behind her body. Everything was too slow - but also too fast. Too much and not enough. Meredith had experience burnout, she had experienced ‘bad days’ but this was different. This was harrowing, the sensation of her scrubs against the tips of her fingers being the only thing that kept her grounded. She was real. She was alive. She wasn’t going to die.

As the day ticked on Meredith wanted to believe the feeling would go away. It was nothing but morning anxiety, the dread of the day ahead, but it didn’t. She could fight through it - she had to fight through it - but as she saw patient after patient, doctor after doctor, it didn’t stop. It was a shadow right behind her, breathing down her neck as her hands trembled.

A part of her had hoped maybe she could avoid surgery, avoid everything in general. Maybe she could hide in a room and pray nobody noticed her absence, she just needed to get out of the hospital. Her nerves were shot and she could barely focus, and running around with Bailey was just making it worse. Typically the woman’s intimidating energy merely motivated Meredith to be better, but not today. Today she needed reassurance. She needed peace.

“Doctor Montgomery?”

Meredith’s voice was quiet, her hands clammy in her pockets. Addison was sitting in one of the empty conference rooms, papers scattered across the table in front of her. Her glasses sat low on her nose, a pen between her teeth as her eyes scanned the paper before her. At the sound of Meredith’s voice though she looked to the door, smiling a little as she took off her glasses.

“Doctor Grey. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

The surgeon gestured for Meredith to come in, the intern hesitantly stepping inside and she pushed the door closed behind her. She tried to be calm, to seem ‘chill’, but just the sound of the door closing almost made her jump. She heard Addison put her paper down, then the sound of her glasses on the table. Meredith looked at her shoes for a moment, quickly taking a breath. Calm. She was calm.

Admittedly that weight had seemed to lessen slightly, her shoulders sinking at the relief. She didn’t know why, she couldn’t pinpoint it, but something about merely being in the others presence made it easier to breathe. However she couldn’t say the same about thinking. When she looked at Addison her mind seemingly went blank, mindlessly opening and closing her mouth a few times as she stared at the woman’s expectant glance.

“How are you?”

Addison blinked. Her eyebrows furrowed before she looked away, letting out a quiet chuckle. Clearly she had expected Meredith to have an actual question. She reached for her paper again, sitting forward in her chair.

“I’m good, busy but good. How are y-“

“I was avoiding you.”

Meredith tensed as the words blurted out of her mouth, her stomach dropping, but she couldn’t stop. Oh god it was happening again. She felt something rising in her throat, and she wasn’t sure if it was word vomit or actual vomit.

“When … you asked me a few weeks ago if I had been avoiding you - I was. I was confused that you were being so nice to me and every time I looked at you I felt so guilty. And - And I was angry. I was so angry, and I couldn’t stop feeling like that but then you were so kind it just made feel worse.”

“Meredith…”

Addison finally moved, starting to stand up but Meredith took a step back. She couldn’t stop. She couldn’t because that feeling wouldn’t go away.

“And then we started talking more, and you kept being nice, and I couldn’t understand why because I didn’t deserve it. I don’t deserve your kindness - your forgiveness - and I just wanted that feeling to stop. So I thought maybe if I left you alone it would stop, but it didn’t. I don’t want to not talk to you, because I think that hurts even more.”

Meredith was almost shouting now and she hadn’t even realized. She was shaking, her arms flailing as she vented out everything before she pressed her hands against her face. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. She wanted to run away.

The silence of the room was broken by Meredith’s panting. Thick, heavy breaths broke the silence as her body shuddered like she was freezing. And then there was warmth, a heat engulfing her so suddenly she flinched.

Addisons arms wrapped around her, one across her back and the other moved to gently hold Meredith’s head, her chin resting against her hair. For a moment Meredith didn’t move, her body frozen in shock at the sudden affection. She should step back, she knew it, but it felt so nice to be held. She relaxed against the other, her arms slack by her sides while one of her hands took hold of the hem of Addisons lab coat.

Hesitantly her arms finally moved, lifting to wrap around Addison and she squeezed, holding onto her as if she were trying to remember the feeling of her body against her own. She closed her eyes, and she could hear Addisons heartbeat faintly. She could smell her perfume, she could feel her warmth, her breath against her scalp, but Meredith already felt like she knew this feeling already. Addison had already engulfed her life from the moment she walked into this hospital, but now it was different. This was soft, this was gentle.

“I’m sorry.”

Meredith whispered, as if she feared speaking any louder would break this. Shatter the moment and cause Addison to back away from her. Instead she was met with a hand rubbing against her hair, and even if she couldn’t see it she could feel Addison smile.

“You have nothing to apologize for Meredith. At all.”

Her words sliced through Meredith’s mind, a shaky sigh leaving her lips. She had nothing you apologize for. It felt wrong - to not apologize. She thought she had so many things to apologize for, but if Addison didn’t think so then maybe she was wrong. Maybe for once that voice in the back of her mind was wrong.

“Except maybe for throwing up in my car.”

A weak chuckle left Meredith’s lips, but she could feel Addisons breath falter as she tried to silently laugh. She finally let go of Meredith, the sudden lack of warmth making her shiver.

“You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”

Meredith put her hands on her hips, looking up at Addison who was covering her mouth to try and resist laughing. She simply shook her head, and just the sight of the woman’s amusement made Meredith smile. She felt better, she had that same light feeling in her chest that she got every-time she was Addison lately - not that it meant anything.

The sound of Meredith’s beeper caught both of their attention, the intern quickly looking down at it before sighing. And just like that the feeling was back. An unexplainable, heavy dread. She took hold of the door and opened it a little before Addison stepped forward, putting a hand against the door, almost trapping Meredith against it. For a moment they both froze, Meredith looking up at Addison, and Addison was looking right back at her. Her breath caught in her throat, heat rising up the back of her neck as the two shared the close proximity for perhaps a moment longer than normal.

Addison was the one to break the eye contact, almost having to tear her eyes away and she stepped back, clearing her throat.

“Sorry I - We should get drinks tonight, you and me, so we can properly talk.”

Addison looked almost nervous when she asked, but Meredith simply nodded. Drinks would be nice. She turned towards the door again, fully opening it this time.

“I’ll find you when I’m done. I’ll see you later Addison.”

Meredith smiled towards the other before she quickly left, her mind more foggy and confused than it had been earlier - but at least now she knew one thing. Addison and her were okay. They were going to be friends. And that made her feel a little bit better.

When Meredith finally made it to the pit, the four other interns were already waiting there. She looked between them and the ambulance pulling up, bracing herself for the worst. When they were all there it typically meant something serious was happening. Multiple casualties, car crash, shooting - the options were endless and each one made Meredith’s heart race. As the back doors of the vehicle opened they all moved forward, but Meredith froze when she saw when came out. There was a man, unconscious, and above him was a paramedic. She was young, wide eyed … and her hand was buried inside his chest.

-

Regret had become a part of Meredith’s daily life since she was a child. The first time she felt it she was five. She had come home from school practically skipping, her little hand gripping on to a drawing she had made for her mother. Her teacher had told her it was beautiful, had told her that her mother would love to see it, and Meredith was foolish enough to believe her. Maybe she would put it on the fridge, or frame it and hang it in her office so on one of her long shifts at the hospital Ellis could look at the drawing and think of her daughter. When she made it home she showed her mother, standing beside her desk and she held up the drawing, beaming with pride. She hoped it would be enough to make her mother proud - but of course it wasn’t. Nothing she ever did was enough.

Oh if my mother could see me now.

Meredith could feel it. She could feel the metal just beneath the tips of her fingers. She didn’t speak. She didn’t move. She barely blinked. The muscles in her hand ached as she forced it to stay still, the pressure from the patients chest almost numbing her fingers. The OR was silent besides the sound of the heartbeat monitor and the air pump between Christina’s hand. She didn’t look at her, she couldn’t do it, but she could imagine her friends face. Meredith knew if she saw the fear - the shock - in her friends eyes it would make this all seem too real.

The door opening almost made her jump, her body freezing as she stared down at the patient like he would explode right then and there. Burke walked in, the bomb squad standing a few feet behind him. Meredith couldn’t look at them. She just looked at her wrist, at the moment where her hand disappeared into the patients chest, the moment that she signed up to die. Christina was told to leave, and Meredith still didn’t look up. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t move.

Meredith hadn’t even realized that tears were welling in her eyes until one slipped from her eye, catching at the top of her mask and soaking into the material. Once the door closed she finally looked up, being met with the regretful eyes of Preston Burke. It was weird to see him look so worried. So scared. The three stood in silence for a bit, all simply at a loss for words. Nobody knew what to do, what to say. There was nothing they could say that would take away from the fact that Meredith’s hand was resting upon something that could kill them all in any second.

“We have to move the patient.”

With each step Meredith’s breath hitched, her hand tensing, ignoring the way her knees wobbled as she stepped. She needed to be brave. She needed to focus. She had put her hand inside that man, she had decided to do this … the thought made her feel worse. Why did i do this?. She shouldn’t have come to the hospital today, she should have stayed in the safety of her bed - but then she thought about the hug. About Addison hugging her, holding her like Meredith may break in her arms. They were supposed to get drinks, to talk things through, but instead she had her hand on a bomb - a bomb that could explode at any sudden movement and kill the patient, Burke, and the entire bomb squad who were assisting in pushing the gurney to a different OR.

A steady hand was an unspoken requirement to be a surgeon. Your hands were everything. If your hand shook, if it wobbled out of place, if your muscles tensed - something so small - it could be enough to kill a patient. Meredith knew she had a steady hand. She had good hands, strong hands. Her mothers hands. Yet as Dylan stood across the patient from her, Meredith had never felt so unconfident in herself.

He was speaking, she could make that much out, but his words were muffled in her mind. She couldn’t focus on anything except the feeling of the metal beneath her fingers. There was nothing else, no other sensation or sound that could possibly overpower that. She was touching it. She had put her hand inside this man - thrown her life away - and for what? It all felt so trivial now, so stupid and small. She wasn’t a hero, she was an idiot. She knew that now.

What would happen to her friends? To Christina? She had watched her do it, she had seen her friend practically kill herself and now she had to live with that - and Meredith hated that. She pictured their faces, the way they would flinch when the echoed sound of an explosion reached wherever they were. It made her sick.

“Grey.”

Burkes voice was what brought her back to reality, her eyes blinked back into focus and she looked between the two men. She used her free hand to tear the loose mask off her face, breaths broken and unsteady.

“George and Izzie should get to stay in the house. I want … I want you to make sure that they don’t have to move out and-“

“Meredith.”

“No! No this is crazy. You should both leave, go now. I can’t do it, I can’t do this, you both go.”

Meredith could hear the machine beeping faintly beside her, the patients blood pressure plummeting by the second, but she couldn’t focus. She kept shaking her head, her chest heaving as she fought back to urge to pull her hand out. It burned.

“Meredith I need you to look at me.”

Dylan’s voice was so steady - so stern - that it made her look at him. He didn’t look scared, he didn’t look nervous. He looked like he trusted her, and she couldn’t figure out if that made her feel worse.

“I know this is bad. I know it’s scary, and I’m just an ass who has been yelling at you all day - but right now? Right now I need you to pretend I’m someone else. Someone you like. Someone you trust. And then you’re going to listen to me.”

Meredith closed her eyes, trying to stop the pins and needles that were creeping down her arm and towards her hand. She needed to keep. it. still. She tried to listen to Dylan, her eyes still screwed shut and when she finally opened them she tried to imagine he was someone else. Her vision distorted, the man across from her seemingly merging into several different people in her mind. The first she saw was Derek.

Those eyes. He was looking at her, that softness on his face that he always had when he spoke to her. It made her chest tighten, stomach churning and she quickly shut her eyes again, holding back to panicked sob that was building in her chest. She didn’t want to see him. She couldn’t look at him.

“You need to wrap your hand around the cone, can you do that Meredith?”

A silky voice drifted to her ears, soft tone almost flooring her. It was a voice that could always soothe her, a voice that could calm her down even when she felt like the world was caving in on her. Meredith’s eyes shot open, and suddenly nothing else was in the room. Nothing except her and the figment of her imagination. Addison.

Addison was smiling. A faint smile, one you may not notice if you didn’t pay enough attention. She looked calm. She looked peaceful, radiating that energy to Meredith and she felt herself finally catch her breath. She was there. They were both here.

“You need to keep it horizontal, don't tilt it. And then you’ll lift it - slowly. Then you’ll hand it to me, okay?”

Addisons voice was distorted. The sound of Dylan talking and her own mind trying to convince herself it wasn’t him, it made her swallow.

“You can do this Meredith. I’ll be right here.”

And for a moment, for a brief fleeting moment, Meredith wanted to believe it. Addison - or at least her imagination of her - believed that she could do it. It was possible. Her hand was moving before she could overthink it any more.

The bomb looked a lot smaller than it felt. She breathlessly watched as it raised from the man’s chest, held by her own gloved bloody hand. She thought it would’ve made it all feel more real, but it didn’t. She was watching herself from afar again, her mind and body disconnected. She hesitated, looking at the outstretched hands of Dylan, before she slowly placed it against his palms.

As soon as Meredith’s hand left that bomb she felt like she was going to collapse, her knees buckling as she stumbled back for a second. She was done. She was out. She wanted to run out of the room, run out of this hospital, but she couldn’t move - because the bomb was still here. As soon as Dylan took a few steps away Burke moved in, quickly beginning to work on the patient.

Meredith watched Dylan slowly walk out of the OR, and as soon as the bomb was out of the room she ran after him. She couldn’t rest, she couldn’t breathe, until she knew it was gone. That everyone was safe. She pushed the door open, watching as he slowly stepped further down the hall. They were okay. This was okay. The relief started to creep up on her. She wanted to thank him, to reassure him the same way he had done for her. He was probably scared, scared like Meredith was, he just didn’t show it like she did.

The relief was shattered in a second. All Meredith felt was heat. A hot blast of air from the shock wave that knocked her off her feet. The last thing she remembered was the feeling of her body slamming against the floor, the back of her head colliding with the ground.

Chapter Text

There was a line between professional and personal motives in medicine. It was a fine line, a line that took skill not to blur. Addison liked to believe she had perfected it, keeping her own emotions at bay so it wouldn’t affect her work. Of course she cared for her patients, for her colleagues, but she always stayed behind that line. She had let herself cross it too many times in the past, and it never ended well. She was detached, she was keeping her personal and professional life separate … or at least that’s what she told herself.

Code Black.

It was something a surgeon heard once - maybe twice - in their entire career. It was unspoken procedure, something you learned but never thought would actually happen. It was chaos, pure uncontrolled chaos as patients were moved around like cattle, transferred to shared rooms or other hospitals in an attempt to clear the space of casualties. Not everyone knew what it was - what had caused this - they just knew it was bad.

Addison tried to help, she did everything she could, but in the midst of all the chaos she found herself constantly looking at the crowds of doctors, hoping to catch a glimpse of dirty blonde. To see a ponytail swaying as she ran by, blue eyes meeting hers, anything. Any sign of Meredith - but she couldn’t see her. Her mind played tricks on her, convincing her of the worst, but she refused to believe it. Everyone had been evacuated from that floor, well everyone except Burke and the paramedic who’s hand was holding the patients heart.

It was too much, it was too loud, too panicked, and Addison couldn’t bare it. The unknown of what would happen. She was an attending, a lead surgeon, someone people would turn too - but she was just as scared as everyone else. She needed a moment, a brief second to herself, so she slipped from the crowd and darted into a nearby stairwell. There was nobody going up and down the stairs, so it was quiet. She leaned her back against the wall, her hands shaking as she rubbed her face, letting out a deep exhale.

For a moment she thought she was alone, but the muffled sound of a sniffle made her tense. Someone was here. Someone was crying. Hesitantly Addison moved forward, going behind the steps and she saw someone curled up, head between their knees, shoulders shaking, as they sobbed quietly.

“Hey … hey are you okay?”

Addison spoke softly, bending down before them. She could tell by her clothes she was a paramedic, and she had blood all over her. A few people had been stuck in the hospital after the lockdown started, so a paramedic being inside wasn’t unusual. The woman’s head lifted, big tear filled eyes staring up at Addison. The woman looked terrified, she was practically shaking, fighting back another sob.

“I … I ran away. I got too scared. I couldn’t do it! I’ve only been doing this for two weeks!”

The paramedic wailed, her head falling back between her knees. Her sobs echoed up the empty stairwell, hands gripping onto her pants.

“I didn’t want to blow up! I pulled my hand out and - and she put hers in. I couldn’t do it.”

Addison froze, her breath catching as she stared the sobbing woman. She was the paramedic. The paramedic who’s hand should be currently residing on a bomb so it didn’t explode. It was as if everything clicked into place in Addisons mind in that moment, almost losing balance completely but she caught herself with the handrail. As she slowly stood again she couldn’t take her eyes off the paramedic. She couldn’t find it within herself to feel empathy, not now.

Not when the only thing she could think about was Meredith Grey.

Each step felt like it was taking too long. Every time her foot hit the stairs and pushed her forward Addison felt like she wasn’t moving fast enough. She pulled herself farther forward with the railing, practically flying up the stairs, but it still didn’t feel like enough. Nothing would feel like enough until she saw her. She just needed to see her - to try and convince herself Meredith was okay.

Addison was halfway up the final flight of stairs when she heard it. When she felt it. The explosion. Her grip on the metal bar tightened, her entire body tensing so suddenly it made her breathing stop. Even from afar the power of the explosion wracked through her, her chest twisting and her heart hammered in her ears. For a moment she couldn’t move, hunched over as she tried to catch her breath. However the adrenaline - the anxiety - coursed through her veins faster than her mind could keep up with, and she was moving again.

The doors to the OR hall were heavy but nothing could have stopped Addison now. She practically threw herself against them, stumbling forward. Her vision was blurry, fading in and out of focus as her heart pulsed in her ears. It was all she could hear, all she could feel, the inconsistent drum of rapid beating as she pushed herself forward.

The moment she stepped into that hall broken glass crunched beneath her shoe, her head lifting from the sound and she froze.

No….

Before her was the sight of the explosion, just at the corner where the hall turned down to the operating rooms. A single spot of clarity before black powder erupted across the floor like a firework, coating everything up to the sides of the walls. Shards of glass and pieces of drywall covered the floor, almost every window having completely shattered. However Addison noticed none of that.

Because there was a body.

The person was laying face down in a pool of blood. Both of their legs and the right side of their torso had seemingly been incinerated in the explosion, leaving a dismantled torso as the only remnants of their existence. Addisons steps were uneven, wobbly, like a deer learning to walk for the first time. She didn’t even know if she was breathing anymore, if she was even alive.

It wasn’t Meredith. It was a man. His clothes were black, a thick vest covering what was left of his body. Bomb squad. It wasn’t Meredith, yet that offered her no comfort. Someone had been holding that bomb when it exploded, and it was someone who’s very being no longer existed. Pink mist - that’s what the others called it.

As Addison got closer her steps got quicker, her body forcing itself to move faster. She needed to round the corner. To see what was there, she had to hold out hope. Maybe Meredith would be okay. She would be standing far away, watching from a safe place. She would be alive. She would look at Addison with those encapsulating blue eyes and she would smile at her, that uneven toothy smile that made the corners of her eyes crinkle. She would make some comment teasing Addison for being worried, which the red head would deny even if they both knew it was a lie. And then Meredith would laugh.

Glass crunched under the soul of her shoe as she began moving faster, the corner getting closer and closer.

Please.

Addison silently prayed - and she never prayed. If there was some being up there surely they could be merciful. She knew it was a fruitless effort. They would look upon her, laughing in mockery at her desperate attempt at a plea for help, as if she was worthy of their forgiveness.

Please, not Meredith.

The thought of Meredith’s hand on that bomb made Addison feel sick. She didn’t deserve this. Meredith was good. Meredith was kind. Meredith was everything she thought she wasn’t, and if Addison could just tell her that - tell her everything she was worthy of - she would give anything to do it. Meredith must have been so scared, so wracked with that guilt and fear and anger she carried like she believed it was all she was allowed to feel.

Meredith would have died scared.

And Addison couldn’t bare it.

When Addison finally rounded the corner her steps faltered again, catching herself against the wall and she looked down the long corridor. She expected nothing, that hope she held was long gone now, replaced by a looming of dread that made her want to scream.

But then she saw her.

Meredith was there, laying flat on her back. Addison knew it was her from the shoes she was wearing.

Suddenly Addison was running again. Her lungs burned, her throat ached, but she didn’t care. She dropped to her knees beside her, trembling hands reaching out to ghost over her face. She was bleeding, glass having sliced across her cheek and forehead, black smeared across her face. Her scrubs were tattered in places, small pieces of glass embedded in her skin. Superficial wounds. Or least that’s what Addison told herself in an attempt to relieve her nerves.

“Meredith.”

Her voice broke, tears slipping from her eyes and dropping onto the others face. Her head dropped to the others chest, her breath held. She waited, listened, and she almost fainted from relief when she heard it. Gentle, soft beating against her ear. She was alive. Meredith was alive. Addisons hand took hold of Meredith’s, gripping it as if letting go would mean she would disappear before her. She let herself listen a moment, the continuous beating of the others heart slowly dragging her down to reality again. They couldn’t stay here long though. She needed to get her help.

-

The sound of the elevators ding made a silence fall upon the staff, everyone turning their heads in anxious anticipation. They expected Preston or Derek, maybe even the bomb squad, anything. They expected anything but what was revealed when those doors slid open.

Addison held Meredith bridal style in her arms, the blondes head against her shoulder. She couldn’t take her eyes off her chest, watching it slowly rise and fall, a confirmation she was alive. Her arms hurt, muscles burning from the exertion of carrying the intern, but Addison didn’t care. Her mind was so distracted she could barely feel anything.

She made it two steps out of the elevator before she heard a distant shout of Meredith’s name. Addison finally looked up, seeing Christina pushing through the gawking crowd towards her. Christina was fast, quickly inspecting her friend as she put her hand against Meredith’s forehead. Addison had never seen the shorter so panicked, so stricken with fear. It sort of snapped her back to reality.

Christina was her friend, her real friend, not some weird convoluted relationship that involved arguing and comfort within the confined spaces of storage closets. She was her person - her family. And what was Addison?

“She’s alive.”

Addison finally spoke, but it was a pointless statement. They knew she was, but something about saying it out loud felt good. It felt right. It felt real.

-

Addisons hand wouldn’t stop shaking. She held the tweezers in her hand, attempting to remove the small shards of glass embedded in Meredith’s pale skin, but her hand wouldn’t stop shaking. Adrenaline was still coursing through her veins, her vision clouded. Meredith was safe now - she knew that - it was just taking her body a while to catch up.

Christina sat across from her in equal silence, threading a needle through the wounds to close them up. Neither one of them looked at each other, neither of them spoke. Besides the heart monitor and the sound of pieces of glass dropping into the metal tray the room was silent. Addison wanted to say something, offer some kind of conversation to ease the tension, but she had nothing to say. There was nothing she could possibly say to ease the others mind, she knew that.

As Addison cleaned the cut on Meredith’s ankle she would occasionally glance up at her, watching her face. She looked peaceful like this, now that was clean and out of harms way. She couldn’t stop looking at her, giving herself that visual confirmation of her safety.

“Thank you.”

Christina’s words finally broke the silence, Addisons gaze shifting to look at the intern. She wasn’t looking back at her, her eyes fixated on the needle between her fingers. Addison didn’t need to ask for what, so she stayed quiet. She gave nothing but a silent nod of acknowledgment. Christina didn’t ask what Addison was even doing up there, and she was relieved she didn’t - because there was no real explanation. It was like she moved on instinct alone, her natural reaction was to go to Meredith. To make sure Meredith was safe.

~

The bomb slipped from under her fingers, sitting perfectly in the two outstretched palms.

Relief.

Meredith looked up at the face across from her, and her stomach dropped.

Addison was smiling at her. Smiling even with the bomb in her bare hands.

She was turning before Meredith could stop her. Walking too fast, too casually.

Her heels echoed around the empty room. Red curls bounced with each step. The smell of vanilla ghosting behind her.

Meredith stumbled forward, trying to run after her, but the distance between them seemed to get bigger.

Her mouth opened, attempting to shout out her name, but smoke enveloped her lungs, spilling past her lips.

Meredith choked, she coughed and spluttered but she ran out the door after her. She had to warn her. She had to stop her.

Addison was at the end of the hall, her back facing Meredith, the bomb still in her hands.

She turned slowly. Their eyes met. Addison smiled, her eyes closing as she did. Meredith couldn’t move.

And then there was heat. A force that knocked her back.

The spot previously consumed by Addison was empty, a mere memory of presence was all that remained.

Meredith’s eyes shot open, her body jolting upright, pain ripping through her from the sudden action. She looked around the room, breathing frantic, before she looked down at herself. There was an IV connected to her arm, an oxygen mask hugged her nose and mouth tightly, and she hated it. She tore the bedsheets off herself before reaching up, her hand ripping the mask off. She couldn’t breathe, her throat raw and dry as if she had been screaming.

She couldn’t feel her legs, she couldn’t feel anything. Her hand moved to her chest, gripping onto her gown as she attempted to breathe, but it didn’t work. The walls were closing in on her, the ceiling crumbling, and she accepted her crushing fate. Her hands frantically shot across her body, touching her own skin as if she was confirming her own body was still there.

Meredith’s vision blurred, tears glossing over her eyes as she stepped to catch her breath. She couldn’t stop seeing it - seeing Addison smile at her. She was smiling at her, as if reassuring Meredith while a bomb rested in her palms. Her heat rate increased, the frantic beeping of the monitor behind her only making her nerves spike. She felt hands on her shoulders, her eyes lifting to see Christina standing in front of her. She could see the concern in her face, her lips moving as she spoke at her name, but Meredith couldn’t hear it.

All she could think about was Addison.

Meredith’s trembling hands rested on Christina’s, but she couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t calm herself down. She craved the red heads warmth, her presence, her whispered comforts that were meant for only her ears, shared in the confines of supply closets and empty conference rooms.

The door flung open and Meredith turned with desperate hope. It wasn’t Addison. It was Derek. He ran to her side, taking hold of her hand in his own, cradling it, but his hand was cold. His skin was calloused, it wasn’t delicate like hers. He didn’t run his thumb across the back of her hand to ground her. The smell of his cologne was too strong, it invaded her senses and she almost choked on it.

She gagged, coughing desperately as she tried to gain the strength to breathe, but she couldn’t. The panic settled in her throat, unrelenting and unforgiving, dragging her stomach further down until she felt like she may throw up. Christina tried to put the mask back over her mouth and she struggled, senseless babbles leaving her mouth as she attempted to speak. To plea for Addisons presence, but nothing coherent came out. Her throat was raw, damaged, and all she could do was cry.

Reality began to slip from her fingers, the corners of her vision growing fuzzy as her head spun. She felt like she was falling, plummeting through the mattress and colliding with the foundations of the building. Her body ached, pain throbbing through her nerves, but none of it mattered. Nothing mattered except her.

She heard it, muffled but a clarity in the mess of her mind. Doctor Montgomery. Christina was yelling it, her hands still gripping Meredith’s shoulders in an attempt to hold her down. Derek fumbled with his pager, body shaking but he did as he was told. Pained groans were all Meredith gave in response, her body convulsing. She needed to see her. She needed her.

The door opened only a few minutes later, as if Addison had been nearby this whole time. As soon as Meredith saw her, a blur of red, she struggled against Christina’s grip. She broke free from her hold, ripping her hand from Derek’s and she reached out to her like she was the only thing that could save her. As if the difference between life and death was having Addison in her arms.

The other wasted no time in approaching her, the typical reserved politeness gone and it was replaced by a sudden desperation. Addison engulfed her, her arms wrapping around Meredith’s head as she pulled her close. Meredith’s arms flew around her, holding her far too tightly. The needle in her arm pushed against her skin, sharp jolts of pain twitching against her muscle, but she didn’t care.

“Oh, Meredith.”

Addisons voice echoed through her mind, overpowering the sound of her hearts thudding, and she could finally breathe. Her palms ran along Addisons back, feeling for any signs of a crack in the reality of her being okay. It had been a dream. Her minds twisted way of tormenting her even in the chaos that was today. She inhaled deeply, her perfume the same as it had been earlier, her warmth just as inviting as it had been before.

The realization seemed to calm her down, her attempts to breathe settling into uneven deep breaths, the incessant beeping returning to a broken rhythm. Meredith closed her eyes, her ear pressed against Addisons chest as she listened the steady beating of her heart.

“You’re okay.”

Her voice was hoarse, cracked and broken.

“I’m okay.”

The reassurance made Meredith smile - even if it was only briefly. A hand stroked her hair, nails grazing against her scalp, and Meredith let herself enjoy it. She let herself bask in the comfort. For once she felt she was worthy of it.

~

Addison was eleven the first time she heard someone speak of sin. She was sitting at one of her fathers business parties, legs dangling off the edge of the stool, a cup of fruit juice nestled between her hands. Her father - the Captain - sat beside her nursing a glass of whiskey. He was leaned back against the wall, watching with fury behind his eyes at two women across the ballroom.

”It’s disgusting.”

Innocent eyes turned up to him, curious at the things her father could teach her. Her hair was in two plaits, resting across her shoulders. The waist of her dress was too tight, the maroon ribbon restricting her stomach from swelling. ‘To stop you eating too much’ her mother had scolded.

”To parade that around in front of children. It’s sinful.”

Addison turned to look at the two women. They were dancing together, one with her arms around her partners neck, the others hands on her hips. That’s all. They were dancing together. Laughing. They looked happy - like any care in the world was meaningless as long as they were together.

“But they’re just dancing Dad. They’re happy.”

A scoff was all she got in return, angry and full of disgust. He swallowed the last of the golden liquid, turning to his daughter.

”Anyone who would do something like that isn’t worthy of happiness.”

-

The words mixed on the page, contorting into a jumbled mess of ink on paper, and Addison had to blink a few times to refocus her eyes. Exhaustion was creeping up on her, but she couldn’t sleep. Not now. She looked up from her book, turning to her side and she saw Meredith laid flat on her back, sleeping silently.

Christina had gone home under the pretence Addison would stay with Meredith, which she promised she would. She hadn’t stirred since the woman entered the room, the most recent dose of morphine seemingly knocking her out cold.

Addison glanced at her watch, noting it was now the late hours of the night. She should sleep, catch the rest while it was presented to her, but every time she closed her eyes she saw Meredith laying on the hall floor. She saw her unmoving, unresponsive, and she had to open her eyes to remind herself she was no longer in that hallway.

So instead she read her book, her chair pulled as close to Meredith’s side as she could get. Her heart pounded, an all too familiar feeling lurking that she refused to address. She cared. She cared too much. She had gotten too attached, too enveloped in the mystery that was Meredith Grey.

Addison could lie to herself, she could deny it until her face went red. She could scream it from the rooftops until her throat was raw, but it would be a lie. She cared. She cared more than she should - more than friends should.

Meredith was all she thought about. She had tried to tell herself it was jealousy, an unhealthy fixation on the woman her husband chose over her, but it was more than that. She didn’t know when it had changed, when distain turned to desire, but she wished she could stop it.

It was wrong. It was disgusting, inappropriate, it was everything she had wanted to avoid for so long. It was a sin. She should be ashamed, but instead her hand reached out and rested gently atop the back of Meredith’s, her thumb brushing across the soft skin.

Because if loving Meredith Grey was a sin,

Addison would welcome to devil with open arms.