Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kanan woke from his sleep when he heard screaming. He was on his feet and out of his room before he was even fully awake. Adrenaline took over, and he moved quickly across the hall to Sabine’s room. He didn’t bother knocking as he reached the door, slamming his palm against the scanner, the door opened, and he was moving to the bunk before the door had fully opened.

Sabine sat up in her bed, her knees pulled to her chest, arms wrapped around them. She was struggling to breathe, her breath coming in short bursts. Her hands shook as they hugged her legs. She hadn’t seen Kanan yet; she was too busy trying to catch her breath.

Kanan, on memory alone, stood on one of the booths beneath Sabine’s bunk and pulled himself up. He reached out with one hand and softly said her name. He could sense she jumped at the sound of his voice and felt her eyes on him. His hand touched her shoulder, and she leaned into his touch.

“Did you have a nightmare, Bean?” he asked, as he pulled her against his chest. He felt her nod as she sobbed.

He lifted her off the bunk and stepped off the bench. He carried her out of the room and down the hall to the galley. He set her on the counter while he fixed two mugs of hot chocolate. Once the two mugs were ready, he handed one to Sabine and took a sip out of his.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Sabine was quiet for a moment while she sipped on her hot chocolate.“I watched everyone I loved die. First, it was my parents and brother, then you and Hera, then Zeb, and lastly Ezra. You were all executed. It tried to stop it, but I was held back,” Sabine answered. She was starting to cry again.

Kanan pulled her into another hug. “I’m right here, Bean, and I’m not going anywhere. I won’t let the Empire get to this family, and I know your Mother would never let the Empire hurt Clan Wren.”

Sabine nodded. Her mother was a force to be reckoned with, yet she couldn’t get the sight of her family's dead bodies out of her head. “I don’t want to be alone again,” she sobbed.

“I made you a promise that this family will stand by you no matter what. I won't leave you. I promise, you won’t be alone again.” He placed a kiss on her forehead, not letting her go.

Sabine didn’t reply. Instead, she set her hot chocolate down beside her and wrapped both her arms around Kanan’s neck. She buried her face in the crook of his neck as she openly sobbed. Kanan held the back of her head and whispered promises to her until her sobs ceased.
Once she had calmed, she pulled away and wiped away her tears. “Sorry I woke you,” she whispered.

Kanan smiled. “I don’t mind. I’ll always be here to offer any comfort you need. It doesn’t matter what time of day. If you need me, I’m here,” Kanan replied.

Sabine hopped down from the counter and hugged Kanan again. “You can go back to bed. I think I’ll stay up for a while.”

“How about we go to the common room and watch funny videos on the holonet?” Kanan suggested.

“I’d like that,” Sabine replied and followed Kanan to the common room.

When the rest of the crew returned to the Ghost, it was in the early hours. When they entered the common room, their conversation ceased when they saw Sabine and Kanan. Sabine was leaning against Kanan, his arm around her as she slept. Kanan looked up in their general direction and, with his other hand, gestured for them to be quiet.

Hera smiled as she silently sent Ezra and Zeb off to bed. Walking closer to the two on the couch, she knelt down. “Did she have a nightmare?” Hera whispered.

Kanan nodded. “She finally fell asleep maybe twenty minutes ago.”

“I’ll grab blankets for both of you and make sure the boys leave you alone,” Hera said. She placed a kiss on Sabine’s forehead and gave a kiss to Kanan. She grabbed blankets from the supply closets, draped them over Kanana and Sabine, and left for her room.

Kanan looked down at the sleeping girl next to him. He didn’t care how many nights he had to stay awake with her; he promised he’d always be there if and when she needed him.

Chapter Text

As soon as Sabine landed the shuttle, she stormed off it and threw her helmet to the side. Yelling in frustration or anger, she didn’t know. She walked past Zeb as he called after her, but she ignored him. She needed to be alone right now and didn’t want to talk to anyone. She walked past the Ghost and into the Lothal landscape.

She didn’t stop walking until she knew she was hidden from view by the tall grass, and she sank to her knees and sobbed. She let it all out. The pain, the fear, the sadness, the anger, and everything else she had felt in that moment. Her whole life, she had to put on a facade, but on occasion, that facade crumbled. It crumbled when her family abandoned her, it crumbled when Ketsu left her, and now, when she was sure she would lose her adopted father, it crumbled.

She curled into a ball in the dirt and hoped to disappear. Her mother would be so disappointed in her for being so weak, but she didn’t care. She wasn’t allowed to be a child; she wasn’t allowed to cry, and she wasn’t allowed to ask for help, but things were different now. This family was different. She was allowed to cry with her found family. She was only ever allowed to be a warrior when growing up on Krownest, and damn it, she wasn’t going to be that right now. She’d cry until there were no tears left to cry, because that's what she wanted to do. She deserved to cry.

Nearly an hour after she first stormed off, her tears had dried up, and she heard footsteps. She figured it was Ezra or Zeb coming to bring her back to the Ghost.

“Go away,” she said, her voice hoarse from sobbing.

“No,” Kanan replied.

Sabine glanced up to see him standing only a few feet away—bandages on his hands and arms from the flames. “What?” she asked, the anger seeping into her voice.

“I came to check on you,” Kanan said as he sank to his knees next to her. His sightless eyes stared right through her.

She sat up and crossed her legs. “I’m fine.”

He gave her a look that said he didn’t believe her. “I know you're lying. You’re angry at me, and you have a right to be. All of you do.”

“You went there with the intention of dying,” Sabine yelled.

“No, I went there with the intention of rescuing Hera and making sure you all made it out. If that cost me my life, then that was the price I was willing to pay it,” Kanan answered. His voice was calm and steady compared to hers.

“What’s the difference. You were still willing to leave Hera! You were still willing to leave me, after you promised me!” Sabine stood to her feet suddenly and walked a few feet from him.

“I remember what I promised,” he replied, recalling that night not that long ago when he was woken by her screaming from a nightmare. He knew there was a good chance he couldn’t keep that promise. He couldn’t guarantee this war would not claim his life, but he knew Sabine needed that promise. He also didn’t intend to break it.

“Then why were you willing to die. You did so without any thought to what your death would do to me. What about Hera, Ezra, or Zeb? Do you know what your death would do to us?” Sabine asked, turning to face him with her arms crossed.

“I do,” he replied.

“Then why would you do it?” Sabine asked.

“Because it’s my job to keep this family safe, even at the expense of my life. I didn’t understand it when my Master sacrificed herself so I could live, but I do understand it now,” Kanan answered.

He didn’t regret what he did. He would face the flames again and more to keep his family safe. He wouldn’t apologize for what he did, but he could be there for them in the aftermath. If they needed to cry in his arms like Hera, a hug from him like Ezra, or to yell at him like Sabine, he would do so. Zeb wasn’t one for affection, but he placed his hand on Kanan’s shoulder and stayed by Kanan’s side until he was patched up and left to find Sabine. He could be whatever they needed to be to process.

“You can’t leave me,” she said in a whisper.

“I don’t plan to,” Kanan said.

“Promise me. I know we’re in a war, and we can’t guarantee anything. Just promise me you won’t go running towards flames or certain death again,” Sabine said.

Kanan knew as well as she did that he may not be able to keep it, but he could make the promise if it made her feel better. “I promise.”

Sabine nodded. It would have to do. She rushed forward and wrapped her arms around him. He quickly responded by wrapping her in a hug. When she pulled away, she wiped at her tears. “We should head back.”
“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, Hera’s probably worried,” Sabine said.

Kanan wrapped his arm around her, and the two of them walked back to the Ghost together. When they neared the Ghost, they could see Hera waiting for them on the ramp. When she saw them, she let out a sigh of relief. Hera knew they’d have to return to the fight, but they could do that tomorrow. Today, she wanted to take everyone she loved and keep them safe from harm, and for her, that meant staying cooped up in the Ghost.

Chapter Text

Jacen ran onto the Ghost, followed by Chopper, who then spun in circles around the boy. Hera smiled at her little four-year-old and lifted him. She held him close as she spun in a circle.

“There’s my little rebel,” Hera said, placing a kiss on Jacen's head.

“Mommy, why won’t Ezra come home?” Jacen asked. He stared up at his mom with big blue eyes. His eyes were so full of innocence, much like Ezra’s once were

Hera’s face contorts into one of grief and pain before she answers. “Because he left to save us.”

“But why won’t he come home?” Jacen asked. He wanted to understand why his older brother never came to visit. He understood that his big brother had left to save them, but he couldn’t understand why he hadn’t come back or sent a message.

“Because he can’t,” Hera said as tears leaked from her eyes. She didn’t want to think about the son she lost. The son she didn’t think she’d ever get to hold again.

“But why?” Jacen asked.

“Because he is watching over us,” Hera replied. She set Jacen down. “Now run along. Didn’t Sabine promise to paint with you?”

Jacen nodded and took off down the hall. He didn’t see his mom lean against the wall and slide down it as sobs overtook her. He didn’t see how Chopper beeped, asking if she was ok. He didn’t see how Hera begged for her lost son to come home.

When Jacen reached Sabine’s room, he didn’t bother knocking. He ran in and pulled at the leg of Sabine’s pants. She glanced down at him.

“Can you paint with me?” he asked as Sabine lifted him onto her lap.

“I suppose. What would you like to paint?”

“Loth-cats,” Jacen replied, pointing to a loth-cat painted on the wall. It was his favorite thing to paint other than Loth-wolves.

“Ok, grab your paints and paper,” Sabine said, setting the boy down.

He ran out of the room and came back in with his paints and paper. Sitting down on the floor, Sabine slipped out of the booth to sit next to her. She sat with him and painted. After a while, he looked up at Sabine.

“Sabine, why won’t Ezra come home?” he asked.

He didn’t notice the sad look that crossed her face before answering. “Because he left to save us. He took the bad man away.”

Jacen huffed. “That’s what Mama told me. I want to know more,” Jacen said, crossing his arms.

“I know, but you're too young. When you’re older,” Sabine replied, running her fingers through his hair.

“Will you tell me about him? Mommy doesn’t like to talk about him for long. It makes her sad when she does,” Jacen said. Any information he could have about his older brother was hard-won, but cherished.

Sabine shook her head. “Not right now. Maybe later.”

Jacen sighed and went back to his painting. He’d ask Zeb about Ezra later. He shared a room with his brother, so he had to have some stories about him.

Jacen finds Zeb in the common room a few hours later. He runs up to him and jumps up on the booth next to him. “Uncle Zeb!”

Zeb smiles, picking him up and setting him on his lap. “Hi there, Kiddo, Hera tells me you made her a painting of loth-cats,” Zeb said.

Jacen nodded. “I gave it to her cause I made her sad, and wanted to say sorry. I asked about Ezra.”

Zeb nodded. Ezra was a sensitive topic for the members of the Ghost family. They all felt his absence and were saddened when he disappeared.

“Will you tell me about him? Why won’t he come back?” Jacen asked.

Zeb’s ears flattened, and he shook his head. “No, Jacen, it’s too sad to talk about.”

“But why?”

“Because we all miss him,” Zeb answered. He didn’t know how to tell Jacen that it was a very real possibility that Ezra would never come back. Ezra might have died when he took Thrawn away. They were all careful when talking about him.

Jacen sighed. Maybe his dad would tell him. He found his dad in his and his mom's room. Kanan looked up at the sound of little footprints.

“Daddy?” Jacen asked, climbing up on the bunk next to Kanan.

“Yes, Jacen,” Kanan said, pulling Jacen into his lap. He gave his son a quick hug before loosening his hold so Jacen could look up at him. He tilted his head down, even though he couldn’t see Jacen.

“Will you tell me about Ezra?”

Kanan sighed. It was natural for Jacen to ask. He wanted to know about his brother. “Ok, what would you like to know?”

“Why won’t he come home. I know he left to save us, but why hasn’t he come back?” Jacen asked.

“Do you remember how I told you about the Liberation of Lothal?” Jacen nodded. “Well, I wasn’t there since I was still recovering from the explosion after I rescued your Mama. I do remember Hera and Sabine telling me about it. Thrawn wanted Ezra to come aboard his starship. Ezra slipped away and met him. That's when he summoned the purgil. He took Thrawn away to protect us,” Kanan said.

“I know that, but why won’t he come back?”

“It’s not that easy. Ezra took Thrawn far away, and we don’t know where. We have searched, but can’t find him. If Ezra could, he would have come back,” Kanan answered.

“Is Buba with the Force?” Jacen asked.

Kanan winced. He knew what Jacen was asking. He shook his head. “No, I know Ezra is alive.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I would feel it like how I feel when you're scared or Sabine is sad about her family,” Kanan said.

“Because of the Force?” Jacen asked. He also wanted to know more about the Force. He’d always been aware of it, but Mama didn’t want him learning about it because it nearly took his dad and it took her son, as she claimed.

“Because I’m a Father, and a Father would know. I’d know if Ezra was with the Force. He is still out there, and I know one day we’ll see him again,” Kanan said. There was a moment of silence before he spoke again. “Do you want to know anything else?”

“Tell me about how you met him,” Jacen said.

“Alright,” Kanan said, launching into the story he had told a hundred times. It was one of Jacen’s favorites. Next, he told about his and Ezra’s trip to the Jedi Temple on Lothal, and then about their trip to Malachor with Ahsoka. He told Jacen about how they fought on Mandalore and about the day Ezra learned he would have a baby brother.

Jacen fell asleep in his father's arms, listening to stories of the brother he hoped he’d one day get to know.

In another Galaxy, Ezra was trying to find a way to get home. He’d never give up. One day, he’d see his family again.

Chapter Text

While walking around a market on an outer rim planet, Hera found a vendor selling candies she used to eat as a child. The candies didn’t originate on Ryloth, but were imported from an inner rim planet. When the Empire rose, they stopped being imported. With a few credits to spare, she bought two bags. She’d share them with the rest of the crew.

Once back on the ship, she called everyone into the common room and held up the two bags. Zeb and Ezra looked at the bags with confusion, but Sabine and Kanan looked at them with interest.

“Are those what I think they are?” Sabine asked with her eyes wide. She recognized the colorful bags. She used to eat the candies with her brother before leaving for the Academy.

Hera nodded and passed her a bag. “Found them in the market.”

“I didn’t know outer rim planets got these imported anymore. I thought the Empire limited what could be imported when they rose to power,” Kanan said.

“Most likely smuggled, but I already tested them for drugs. They're clean,” Hera replied. When it came to foods and drinks that were known or suspected of being smuggled, they tested them before letting the kids eat them.

“Ok, I’m confused, what are they?” Ezra asked.

“Candy,” Sabine said. She took a small handful from the bag and passed the bag to Zeb.

Zeb looked at the bag questioningly and then at Hera. He took one from the bag and tried it. His eyes widened. “Those are good.”

Taking a small handful, he passed the bag to Ezra. Ezra took a small handful and passed it to Kanan. Hera opened the other one and poured a few out into her hand.

Ezra shrugged and put a few in his mouth. He trusted Hera, and everyone else was eating them, so they must be good. Trying one, his eyes widened. The candies had a fruity taste to them and a gummy center. Ezra ate a few more, trying to savor the candies. Then something went wrong. He felt his throat closing up, and it was suddenly difficult to breathe. He dropped the candies and reached for his throat. His eyes were wide as everything started to blur.

“Kid?” Zeb asked, noticing something was wrong. His ears flattened against his head as Ezra’s face swelled and turned red.

“Ezra? Ezra!” Kanan yelled. He dropped the bag and was on his feet, grabbing Ezra and pulling him out of the booth. He sat Ezra in a chair.

“Kanan, what’s wrong?” Hera asked, alarmed. She dropped the candies when she saw Ezra turning red. She took a few steps forward so she was standing behind Kanan. There was fear in her eyes as she watched Ezra struggle to breathe.

“It’s an allergic reaction. Sabine, go get the med kit,” Kanan said. He kept his eyes on Ezra, trusting Sabine to do as ordered.

“On it!” Sabine yelled. She was on her feet and running out of the room towards the medbay. Her candies were forgotten on the table.

Kanan placed his hand over Ezra’s chest and called on the force. He wasn’t skilled in Force healing. At least not enough to stop the allergic reaction, but he could slow it down. He could keep Ezra’s airways open enough for him to be able to breathe.

Ezra, confused and scared, struggled against him. He tried to keep Ezra steady. It wasn’t an easy task as Ezra fought against him.

He was aware of Hera kneeling next to him, holding Ezra’s hand and running her fingers through his hair. He could hear her talking to Ezra and trying to keep him calm. It seemed to be working because Ezra stopped his struggles and relaxed as much as he could. Ezra was still scared and confused, but Hera’s presence seemed to calm the boy enough that Kanan was able to keep the boy breathing.

Sabine returned moments later with a medkit. Kanan knew Sabine didn’t need to be told what to do. She opened the medkit, pulled out an EpiPen, and injected it into Ezra’s leg. Then she stepped back, allowing Kanan to examine Ezra.

“He’ll be ok,” Kanan said after a few seconds. The EpiPen was doing its job and reversing the allergic reaction.

Ezra gasped for breath, but his heart rate slowly slowed, and his breathing leveled off. “I’m not eating those candies again.”

Zeb had stayed back unless he was needed. He had felt very useless in this situation. Seeing his roommate was out of danger, he stepped forward. “Yeah, I bet. I think it's best not to have those candies on board.”

“But you all like them,” Ezra protested. He didn’t want to be the reason they couldn’t enjoy the candies.

“And they caused you to have a severe allergic reaction,” Sabine argued.

“Sabines, right, we won’t keep those candies on board anymore. Your safety is more important. Kanan will take you to the medbay while we dispose of the candies,” Hera said in that tone Zeb referred to as her mom voice. It was soft and gentle.

Ezra nodded. Kanan helped him up and guided him down the hall. Once in the med bay, Kanan had Ezra put on an oxygen cannula, and Kanan then hooked the tube up to an oxygen machine. Kanan started an IV for fluids, antihistamines, and corticosteroids.

“How do you feel?” Kanan asked.

“Tired and my chest hurts,” Ezra answered.

“That’s to be expected. I’ll keep you here overnight to monitor you, and tomorrow you can return to your room,” Kanan said. The swelling had significantly gone down, and the redness had faded.

Ezra was silent for a moment. “I didn’t know I was allergic. I’ve never had those candies before. They weren’t ever available on Lothal, and even if they were, I spent most of my life before joining the crew on the streets. I wouldn’t have been able to have them when other things were more important.”

“I know. You wouldn’t have eaten something if you knew you were allergic. This wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone's,” Kanan said. No one had known. It was an accident, and one that he knew Hera felt guilty about. He’d talk with her later.

Ezra was quiet for a moment, debating whether he should share how terrifying that was or not. He figured Kanan already knew. “I was scared. I couldn’t breathe. For a moment, I thought I was going to die.”

“I know, and I was scared too. We all were. The important thing is you’re ok,” Kanan said. He sat down next to Ezra and wrapped his arms around the boy, pulling him into a hug. “You’re ok.”

Ezra relaxed against him. “I don’t ever want to experience that again.”

“I bet. I don’t want to witness that again,” Kanan replied. He held Ezra close and reassured himself that his kid would be ok.

Hera stepped into the room. “Hey, Ez, how do you feel?” Her voice took on that soft tone she reserved for her kids

“Tired,” he replied.

“Do you want to try to eat?” she asked. She sat on the edge of the bed and ran her fingers through his hair.

Ezra nodded. “Yeah, food sounds good.” He leaned into her touch. It felt nice.

“I’ll get your favorite and some water. You’ll need to stay hydrated,” Hera said/ She kissed his forehead, stood, and left the room again.

Ezra curled up on the bed next to Kanan. He was so, so tired. He wanted to sleep, but also wanted food.

“Go to sleep, Ezra. I’ll wake you when Hera comes back. It’ll be at least an hour,” Kanan said.

Ezra nodded and dozed off.

Chapter Text

Sabine stood outside Kanan’s door. She hesitated to knock, unsure if she should go through with her plan to talk to Kanan about her fears.

She’d talked to him after her nightmare the other night. She’d told him what it was about, and he’d comforted her. She knew he wouldn’t judge her or look down on her for her fears, but she wasn’t good at this. She didn’t like talking about her past for a number of reasons. It wasn’t just painful, but it was also difficult to know who she could trust with it.

Before she could make a decision, the door opened and Sabine took a step back. “Oh, sorry, Kanan.” She then turned to leave. She’d changed her mind; maybe this wasn’t a good idea.

“You know I know you’ve been standing out here for ten minutes. What’s going on?” Kanan asked. He reached out a hand to stop her—his hand landing on her shoulder.

“Oh, uh, it’s nothing really. It can wait,” Sabine said quickly before trying to leave again.

Kanan’s hand came to rest on her shoulder, causing her to turn back to him. She didn’t quite look at his eyes. While Kanan often didn’t wear his mask around the Ghost, it was still difficult for her to look into his eyes. She’d remember all the things he could not see. He’d never see her art again.

“It is obviously something. Do you want to talk about it?” Kanan asked. He had experience dealing with teenagers, especially stubborn Mandalorians.

Sabine crossed her arms. “Can we talk in your room. I don’t want anyone else to know.”

Kanan stepped back, letting her come in, closed the door, and locked it. Sabine walked over and sat down on the bunk. A moment later, Kanan sat down next to her. Sabine was silent for several minutes, trying to figure out how to bring up the topic of her childhood.

“Well, you already know about my time at the Imperial Academy and about the weapon I made. You know about how I spoke out, and how my family sided with the Empire. You know how they left me,” Sabine said. It was easier this time to say it. She wondered if the more she said it, the easier it would get. It didn’t hurt less, but it was easier to say it.

Kanan nodded. He didn’t say anything, instead giving Sabine the time to say whatever it was she needed to say.

“Well, one thing I didn’t share was that while I was at the Imperial Academy, there was an execution. It took place in Sundari. It was a family that had been branded traitors. It was required that all Imperial Cadets attend. One by one, they were brought out. They were lined up. The youngest was the same age as Tristian is now. One by one, they were shot in the back of the head. I watched them die,” Sabine said.

Kanan didn’t know what to say, so he put his arm around Sabine and pulled her against his side. “I’m sorry you had to witness that. You never should have had to witness that.”

“I tried to forget, but I had nightmares for a month straight after that. When Ketsu and I broke out of the Academy, I did everything I could to forget about it. I was eventually successful and hadn’t thought about it for years. Then two months ago, while on a scouting mission with Trisitian, I saw the Imperial who was the one to pull the trigger. It all came back, and I started seeing it in my nightmares again, and then it wasn’t that family, but my own,” Sabine said.

She had to get it out. Even when her voice broke and the tears came. If she didn’t get it out, it would consume her. As she finished, she felt a sense of relief—the same relief she felt when she confessed what had happened between her and her family.

“I wish I could have protected you from being forced to witness that. I wish I could have protected you from so much, but I can’t go back and fix things. What I can do is be here for you. If you need a shoulder to cry on, I will be that. If you need someone to talk to, I will be that too. Whatever you need me to be, I will be that,” Kanan said.

She leaned her head on his shoulder. “I know, and I’m grateful for that.”

Kanan kissed her forehead. He reached for a blanket he had folded on the end of his bunk and wrapped it around Sabine. Then he pulled her against him in a tight embrace. “I won’t let that happen.”

“You can’t keep that promise,” she said from her blanket cocoon.

“Maybe, but I can promise I will do everything to prevent it. I will protect this family,” Kanan said.

“We’ll protect this family, protect each other,” Sabine said. She glanced up at Kanan. His head tilted down as if to look at her, and her eyes met his. Though he could not see her as she saw him, she knew he was seeing her in the force.

He’d explained it to her. He couldn’t see the world anymore, but he navigated with the force. He had told her that when it came to people, it was like colors in the Force. He’d told her that Sabine was a mix of colors while Hera was green, Ezra orange, and Zeb blue.

“Yes, we’ll protect each other, just as we always have,” Kanan said.

They stayed like that until Hera returned from her meeting and found them in Kanans' room. Sabine had fallen asleep, and Kanan had laid her on the bed. He watched over her as she slept. When the door opened, he glanced up to see Hera.

“Was it another nightmare?” Hera asked.

“No, she told me what has been causing her nightmares lately. I don’t think she’d want me to share, but in time she will come to you,” Kanan said.

Hera stepped over to the bed and hugged Kanan from the side. “I’m just glad she feels comfortable coming to you. You have a bond with her, I can’t understand. I’m kind of jealous.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit,” Kanan replied.

Hera smiled, but said nothing. “I’ll make dinner, you just watch over our girl.” With that, Hera left the room.

Kanan looked down at Sabine. “I promise you won’t lose your family, whether it be this one or your family on Krownest.”