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Chapter Text

   Each and every time Cheng Xiaoshi dies, Lu Guang mourns him before diving into a photo. It’s his punishment. Lu Guang sits with his best friend’s lifeless body for hours at a time, hoping to hear one heartbeat, a signal, some sort of chance that the cycle of pain is over. Maybe, just maybe, he can finally be happy with Cheng Xiaoshi.

Lu guang never heard that heartbeat, until now.

    Cheng Xiaoshi was shot, had survived, something that goes against the logic Lu Guang found in every timeline. Cheng Xiaoshi never had, NEVER survived, a fatal blow like that. The timeline had treated him so delicately that even something as small as a paper cut would end up killing Cheng Xiaoshi. It’s why Lu Guang was so overly protective of him the first few times he dove back.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

Lu Guang had once refused to let Cheng Xiaoshi go to a show with Qiao Ling.

“Please don’t go,” he sobbed, tears staining Cheng Xiaoshi’s shirt as he nuzzled his face into his shoulder.

“Ok Guangguang, I’ll stay,” Cheng Xiaoshi’s responded, putting his arms around Lu Guang.

Lu Guang wasn’t comfortable with having Cheng Xiaoshi out of his view yet. He would follow Cheng Xiaoshi like a lost puppy. Xiaoshi assumes it was the result of some sort of bad dive or nightmare. In reality, Lu Guang was trying to protect himself from the pain on his heart.

Qiao Ling got hit by a car on the way to the show. In every other timeline, Cheng Xiaoshi gets distracted and stops to get ice cream on the way, forcing the two siblings to miss the speeding car. Because of Lu Guang, Cheng Xiaoshi never stopped to get ice cream.

Their debt comes to bite them in their butt, because of course it does. Without Qiao Ling’s protection, the two are subject to a greedy landlord’s mercy; they don’t care about the sentimental value the home has, nor the recent grief the two partners are facing.

September 2nd they are given an eviction note. Cheng Xiaoshi cried all night, squealing for Qiao Ling between gasps of air.

September 3rd they pack their things. Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t speak the whole day.  Lu Guang leaves him alone.

The morning of September 4th, Lu Guang finds Cheng Xiaoshi’s hanging body.

Lu Guang hugs Cheng Xiaoshi’s legs for three hours, begging him to wake up. Once his hands stop shaking, Lu Guang goes to find a photo to dive into.

Shit.. Where are the photos?

The photo studio was so disorganized due to the packing that Lu Guang had to go through the boxes for another couple hour as Xiaoshi’s lifeless body hung in the middle. Lu Guang had to watch his best friend’s fingers turn purple, his lifeless eyes roll to the back of his head.

In each and every timeline since then, Lu Guang keeps a folded up photo in his pocket. He stopped hesitating diving back after this timeline.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t always die September 13th, that’s just the most common day. The earliest he’s ever died was a year before. The latest was September 20th. Lu Guang could never enjoy summer, knowing what awaited him at the end of it. In each and every timeline, Cheng Xiaoshi noticed. He always notices the small things.

“Guangguang, why such a long face? Are you that mad I’m winning,” Cheng Xiaoshi gloated as he brushed his hair back.

The black haired boy turned to Qiao Ling for her approval, but she was fast asleep.

“I’m gonna win the next game, just you wait” Lu Guang teased, forcing a smile on his face as he jumped up to serve the volleyball. One more month…

“TAKE THAT,” Cheng Xiaoshi used all the force in his thin frame to pelt the ball down. It might have been too much force, however; as he missed the court entirely and hit Qiao Ling in the face.

“Wha- What? XIAOSHI. I’m going to kill you!”

“I didn’t mean to hit your oh so beautiful face, landlady!!”

The two chased eachother in the sand, laughing as they tried tackling the other one.

Lu Guang smiled.

The very next day, Cheng Xiaoshi drowned in the ocean trying to save a little girl, left alone by her parents at the beach.

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Today is the last day at the hospital. They were scheduled to be released a week earlier, but Cheng Xiaoshi was too fidgety to let his stitches heal properly. Lu Guang basically had to hold him down to keep him from bursting his wound open.

“Lu, the first thing I’m doing when we get home is going to the court. I cannot spend another day laying in bed.”

   Lu Guang looked up from his book into the grinning Cheng Xiaoshi. The light from the window reflected of his hair shifting the brown to a golden auburn. If you were to analyze his face, you’d see the faintest dimple. Despite being smaller than the pea, the dimple pulled Cheng Xiaoshi’s face together, making him look more lovable than he already was.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

Lu Guang was in love with Cheng Xiaoshi. He always has been, but only found out a few months ago, at one of Xu Shanshan’s New Year’s parties. Cheng Xiaoshi only drank on holidays because when he got drunk he was drunk. He spent the whole evening stumbling around, singing karaoke with Dong Yi.

“Luuuuu Guannggg…. I’m gonna puke,” he squeaked.

    He just sighed, dragging the boy to the bathroom. Using both hands, Lu Guang brushed his hands in Cheng Xiaoshi’s dark hair before pulling it out of his friend’s face. It was disgusting and not romantic whatsoever. Cheng Xiaoshi couldn’t have spent more than 3 minutes puking but the sound made it feel like eons. When he was done, Cheng Xiaoshi slowly stood up and washed his hands. Luckily, Xu Shanshan had mouth wash to cleanse that horrid stench coming from Xiaoshi’s mouth.

“I’m glad you’re in my life,” Cheng Xiaoshi said, taking Lu Guang’s hand.

“It’s ok. We all get drun-“

Cheng Xiaoshi interrupted him. “No I mean it. I don’t know why you’re still with me. You are destined for so much greatness and my bummy ass is always weighing you down. I don’t know why you’re here but I’m so happy.”

Lu Guang’s face had to be entirely red at this point. He shook himself free from Cheng Xiaoshi’s grasp. His friend had always been more emotional then Lu Guang but something about this felt so much more genuine.

Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the mourning. Maybe Lu Guang just wanted to tell Cheng Xiaoshi’s how he truly felt. So in a rare occasion, Lu Guang opened up. “You don’t weigh me down, Xiaoshi. You make me feel complete.”

Cheng Xiaoshi opened his mouth to say something with a dopey grin but instead puked all over Lu Guang. It was gross.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

That same dopey grin was staring at him now.

“You’re not allowed to go on the court until the stitches fully heal.”

Cheng Xiaoshi pouts his lip like a child.

“Guannnnggggg,” he whines.

Lu Guang goes back to staring as his book, waiting for the doctor to give the A-okay to leave. He could feel Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes on him.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

   It was a week later and things were staring to go back to normal. Cheng Xiaoshi’s stitches were healing tremendously well. Qiao Ling, who Lu Guang admires for her empathy, didn’t bother them about their rent. She kept bringing home dinner, knowing the two were too stressed to cook. Cheng Xiaoshi was playing some video game a few highschool friends let him borrow while healing up. Lu Guang sat on the other end of the couch, tapping at his computer.

“Tommorow let’s bring out some halloween decor, it’ll attract customers,” Cheng Xiaoshi stated without taking his eyes off the screen.

“Are you ready for more customers?”

Cheng Xiaoshi hesitated. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, thinking.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

     Lu Guang acted like he didn’t hear the nightmares. In each and every timeline, Lu Guang is forced to listen to them. Cheng Xiaoshi’s sobs, tosses and turns, begging for his parents. Whenever Lu Guang wakes him up, he is shocked by how desolate Cheng Xiaoshi is.

“Where am I?” The tears wet his face. There was a stream of mucus running down his nose.

“Cheng Xiaoshi, you are at home.” Lu Guang said. He learnt that if he said too many details, Cheng Xiaoshi would get overwhelmed and confused.

“Right … I’m Cheng Xiaoshi.. And you’re Lu Guang.”

    Lu Guang let out a rare smile, he reached his hand out to brush some tears off his best friend’s face. The two stayed staring at each other in silence. Lu Guang never pushed for Cheng Xiaoshi to share his nightmares. If he wanted to talk, he would. 

“Lu Guang.. uhm.” Cheng Xiaoshi’s face turnt a hue of pink. “Sorry for waking you up.”

    Lu Guang’s had nightmares too. It always follows the same format. He would watch Cheng Xiaoshi die. He would fail again. Lu Guang could never explain his nightmare to Cheng Xiaoshi, so instead, the boy would just stare up at the ceiling. Eye bags began to form from how often the nightmares got.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

“Maybe I just wanted Halloween decoration, okay!”

Lu Guang snapped back into the present.

Wait.. Halloween?

He made a quick glance at the calendar and saw September 30th. There had been so much going on, Lu Guang hadn’t even been tracking the dates.

This is the longest he’s ever lived.

A new hope emerged in Lu Guang’s heart.

This is the longer Cheng Xiaoshi has lived.

Chapter Text

     October meant Lu Guang’s birthday and Lu Guang hated his birthday. The attention embarrassed him because why would anyone waste their time celebrating Lu Guang? Lu Guang was very content with the hatred he had towards himself. He was a failure, a hypocrite, a murderer. After losing his identity, he couldn’t even stand to look in the mirror anymore.

     Yet in each and every timeline, Cheng Xiaoshi looked at Lu Guang. Maybe looked too much. He could always feel the black haired boy’s gaze on him. At first, it creeped Lu Guang out. As a socially anxious introvert, he hated the idea of people paying any sort of attention to him. After awhile, Lu Guang got used to it. It was Cheng Xiaoshi’s way of saying, “I’m here. I see you.” Lu Guang never knew he needed that nonverbal reassurance until Cheng Xiaoshi.

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       “Let’s make it a competition!” Qiao Ling squealed, shaking Cheng Xiaoshi.

      She was the competitive type. What’s more annoying than being competitive is being a winner. Qiao Ling seemed to be naturally talented at everything. When Lu Guang first met her, it felt artificial. She was too perfect. She had too many friends, scored too well on tests, always knew what to say. It threw Lu Guang off. He only connected with her after a random day in college.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

      Lu Guang had stopped by her room to drop off the notes she lent him earlier. The door was already slightly opened so he let himself in. The window was  cracked and he felt the slight autumn breeze drift through out the painfully small college dorm. He was surprised to not find Qiao Ling at her desk studying, nor on a call with a friend, nor out of her room, doing something social. She was curled up in her bed crying.

“Uhm..” Lu Guang softly knocked on the wall to alert the girl he was there.

    Qiao Ling bolted upwards, wiping her eyes. “Sorry Guang, didn’t see you!” Her voice ached with a fake cheerfulness.

       Lu Guang paused, unsure what to do. He wasn’t a very compassionate person at this time. Nor was he very close with Qiao Ling. He just knew her as Cheng Xiaoshi’s friend-cousin-sister-in-law-step-something.

“Are you okay?”

      That simple three word sentence sent Qiao Ling spiraling. By the way she reacted, you’d assume she’s never been asked that before. Lu Guang would never tell her, but she cried ugly, similarly to Cheng Xiaoshi. Snot bubbled out of her nose. Her voice began to break in between the hysteria of sobs. Lu Guang put both hands on her shoulders to steady her, giving her the energy and time to control herself.

“I think it’s too much,” she finally let out. Lu Guang said nothing, waiting for her to complete her thoughts.

“I’m not perfect. I get tired. I get hurt. I think people just assume I’m invincible but I’m not. Liu Daiyu’s birthday is on Sunday but Monday my business project is due so I told my group I’d meet them on Saturday but Tuesday I have my final in Chemistry and I don’t have even time to get Liu a gift unless I choose to go now but then I won’t have time to finishmyChinesehomework soIwon’tsleepbutIdidn’tsleepyesterday-“ She rambled like this for awhile. Lu Guang let her.

     Once she was done, Lu Guang told her the truth: she was burnt out. It took a lot of tears and a lot of hair pulling, but together, Lu Guang and Qiao Ling made a manageable schedule with plenty of time for self-care. The quick 15 minute stop turnt into 2 hours.

“You’re really caring, Lu Guang. I see why Cheng Xiaoshi is so drawn to you. He rarely gets that attached to people,” she said as Lu Guang headed for the door.

Why couldn’t Lu Guang see why Cheng Xiaoshi was so drawn to him?

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

“You’re just saying that because you know I suck at carving pumpkins,” Cheng Xiaoshi said, pushing Qiao Ling away.

“Exactly! So I’ll win!”

“Mmmmm! Fine! But just to prove you wrong. Lu Guang is judging because he sucks more at carving pumpkins… Sorry Lu Guang.”

     It was true, Lu Guang sucked at carving pumpkins. He had a strong distaste for sharp objects, it reminded him of that one time he was stabbed. Whenever the three go pumpkin carving, Lu Guang prefers to brew everyone a nice cup of chai and laugh with them as they work.  

      The patch was only a train ride away. It was early in the morning, so Lu Guang had to keep himself from nodding off. He wasn’t a morning person at all. Lu Guang only slept poorly, so the start of the day was particularly bad for him. Cheng Xiaoshi, for some reason, was extremely lively. Rudely, talking nonstop to Qiao Ling on the otherwise silent train. They were lucky that their cart was almost empty otherwise Cheng Xiaoshi would fall victim to the judging stares of others.

         Lu Guang was really confused on how Cheng Xiaoshi could be this alive (pun intended). Last night, Cheng Xiaoshi’s nightmare was bad.  One of the worst he’s ever had. Despite the two’s break of helping customers, Cheng Xiaoshi seemed to be adjusting very poorly after he got shot.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

     It’s always awful to hear Xiaoshi’s nightmares. Lu Guang was already awake. He couldn’t sleep after his own nightmare. He dreamt of Cheng Xiaoshi’s mangled body, grabbing him. His best friend’s voice screamed for help. Lu Guang could do nothing. After the nightmare, Lu Guang waited for either daylight or the beautiful slumber he so desperately needed.

    He was used to Cheng Xiaoshi’s restless sleep. Lu Guang would usually wake him after a few minutes of tossing and turning, as that meant a nightmare. Last night was different. Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t move. Lu Guang would have gone the whole night without knowing the boy had a nightmare, if Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t climb up the bunk bed to shake Lu Guang.

     Surprised, Lu Guang sat up, waiting for the other boy to speak.

      “It felt real this time.” His voice was so small, so delicate. Lu Guang wanted to surround him in bubble wrap, keeping Xiaoshi safe.

      “It” had an obvious meaning. “It” meant Cheng Xiaoshi’s parents. As much as Lu Guang and Qiao Ling loved Cheng Xiaoshi, they could never fill the hole his parents left.

     Cheng Xiaoshi just seemed sad. He wasn’t lost or confused. He was hurt.

“I wish I could move on.”

       Cheng Xiaoshi welcomed himself onto Lu Guang’s bed, sitting by the foot. Tears streamed down the former’s face. The moonlight reflected in his eyes. Lu Guang’s heart skipped a beat as he paid attention to the thousands of magnificent auburn shades shining within his partner’s eyes.

      Cheng Xiaoshi refused to make eye contact with Lu Guang, something out of character. “I don’t want to be alone.”

Lu Guang, unsure of what else to do, scooted onto the left side of the bed.

“You don’t have to be.”

      Awkwardly, Cheng Xiaoshi laid down next to Lu Guang. The twin bed was barely big enough for just Lu Guang, so it was extremely cramped with the two together. Their tall lanky bodies got entangled with one another. They struggle for a few seconds before settling into the most comfortable position.

“I can’t don’t anything about your parents, but I’ll never leave you,” Lu Guang whispers as gently as possible.

     A pang of guilt hit Lu Guang. He could bring back his parents. He brought back Cheng Xiaoshi too many times to count. His hypocritical nature shined brighter everyday.

     Cheng Xiaoshi responded by wiping his tears and snot with Lu Guang’s shirt then drifting off to sleep. (It was gross)

Lu Guang didn’t sleep, per usual.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

     Lu Guang was a millisecond away from falling asleep when the train came to a sudden stop.

“We are hereeee!” Qiao Ling said in a  singsongy voice.

     After walking a few blocks down from the station, the trio finally reached the pumpkin patch. It was crowded, unsurprisingly for a Saturday. Kids ran around, squealing. Annoyed parents were screaming names. It was overstimulating, but expected.

“Qiao Ling! Lu Guang! Look!” Cheng Xiaoshi picked up a ridiculously large pumpkin. Comically big. Humongously big. HUGE. The tall boy stumbled holding it. 

“I am NOT paying for that.” Qiao Ling turned on her heels, looking for her own pumpkin.

“No need, landlady. This one’s allllllll mine!”

     After not receiving a response, or attention in general, Cheng Xiaoshi began to whine.

“You’re just jealous I got the biggest pumpkin in the entire patch!”

“It’s a very cool pumpkin,” Lu Guang said to try to satisfy the boy.

      Qiao Ling spent awhile analyzing each pumpkin to find the “perfect one.” She studied their color, size, shape. Qiao Ling said she was trying to find the winning pumpkin. Cheng Xiaoshi carried around the “carriage”-sized pumpkin all morning, refusing to let even Lu Guang hold it. A bit past noon, Qiao Ling finally settle on the most average looking pumpkin.

“She’s beautiful!” Qiao Ling petted her pumpkin.

   While checking out, Lu Guang was shocked to find payment was by weight. He stared at Cheng Xiaoshi, slightly annoyed. Then two live together, share their expenses, are currently not working, dealing with his hospital bills, and Cheng Xiaoshi picked the largest pumpkin known to mankind.

“It’ll be worth it when my pumpkins beats yours to the ground,” Cheng Xiaoshi said, holding up his large squash baby defensively.

     It was not worth it because Cheng Xiaoshi made the most horrendous looking jack-o’-lantern Lu Guang had the misfortune to see. The smile was meant to have teeth but ended up looking like crushed piano tiles. The eyes were two drastically different sizes. Even worse, Cheng Xiaoshi was so distracted by the size of the pumpkin, he failed to notice the growth of mold on the side.

     Unsurprisingly, Qiao Ling won. Instead of doing a typical face, she carved a spread of flowers. It was really well done, even Cheng Xiaoshi had to admit so.

     After cleaning up, it was already late. Cheng Xiaoshi headed to sleep quickly after Qiao Ling went home. Lu Guang spent a bit of time reading, enjoying the tranquil silence of the house. The last part of his daily routine is checking off the date from the calendar.

Cheng Xiaoshi made it to October 4.

Chapter Text

   Lu Guang could never forget the first time Cheng Xiaoshi died. It changed his life.

   Lu Guang grew up poorly. His mother was out of the picture. Lu Guang never knew what happened to her, if she died or left. He used to think he was adopted from how different his personality was from his father. The only evidence of his mother’s existence was a camera she left behind. Lu Guang, despite the anger he felt towards her, held the camera dear to him.

     When Lu Guang’s dad was home, he was strict, overbearing, and tired. He worked at a low-end factory, barely making enough for rent in a shabby apartment. His father spent his time complaining about how Lu Guang is just another expense. Despite being named after good fortune, Lu Guang was the unluckiest thing to ever happen to the family. If it wasn’t for his grandparents, he would have starved. Lu Guang never had clean clothes or combed hair. Looks had never bother him. His family was the problem.

    Lu Guang’s grandparents stuck with him throughout the day. They dropped and picked him up at a large public school. His grandparents hated it, wishing they had the money to send him to a private school. Or any Catholic school that would take him.

      A smack landed across his face. “They are teaching you sins in this school. Do not believe a word they say,” Lu Guang’s grandmother hissed. Anytime Lu Guang was taught anything scientific, specifically evolution, he would get a lecture. Her hair was white with deep brown eyes. Lu Guang stuck out like a black sheep with his bright blue eyes. His grandmother was never seen without a lace veil and a cross hanging around her neck. That cross was handmade, Lu Guang had made it for her in second grade. The cross was ugly, with visible spot of white glue, but it made her happy. She was so happy that she took him to a restaurant, despite their budget. 

     “Sorry,” Lu Guang said as softly as he could. Any pitch higher and he would be accused of talking back.

    “Pray the rosary and then you’ll be forgiven.” He was handed a red beaded rosary. Part of the paint on the wood was scuffed off from how many times a thumb has brushed over it.

“May I pray outside? To enjoy God’s nature?”

“Yes boy, you may.”

   Lu Guang loved the outside. It was his escape from his angry father or overly religious grandparents. By the age of seven, he had memorized all the trails nearby. He walked them over and over again, looking for something to do to distract him from the misery inside. He brought his camera this time, taking a photo of the slowly setting sun. As the film developed, he breathed in the crisp September air. Lu Guang loved this time of year. He quickly stuffed the photo into his pocket to continue the journey.

    His body ached too much from the bruises all over. Some were abuse-related but most were just because Lu Guang was a skinny clumsy kid. The closest walking spot nearby was the train tracks, so the young boy slowly headed there.

   Lu Guang liked to pretend he was a train, unstoppable. He would walk on the tracks, his arm stretched out to balance himself. This was one of the few times he felt unstoppable, he became a powerful never stopping train, immune to any sort of pain. The quiet was nice too. The only sound was peeper frogs in the distant and the occasional crow call.

That is NOT a crow call.

   Lu Guang distinctly heard the yelp of another voice and ran over. It was another kid, had to be around the same age. He was doing the exact same thing, walking on the train tracks. However, the child seemed to have fallen off as he was lying on the ground, giggling. His black hair was long, a bit past his ears. His pants were too big for him, the bottom of them covered in mud from dragging on the ground.

“Are you alright?” Lu Guang extended his hand to help the boy stand up.

“I’m perfect! Thanks though! I didn’t know other kids knew about my secret hangout spot! You haven’t told anyone else, right? I go here when I’m bored but it’s MY spot. I guess you can stay for a bit, but that’s only because you were nice. I’m Cheng Xiaoshi by the way.” He reaches out for a handshake. 

     Lu Guang blinked. He never met kids who talked that much, specially kids who talked that much to him. He was always the weird white-haired antisocial kid. This may of been the first kid his age who actively reached out to him. Speaking of reaching out, Lu Guang was so lost in thought he forgot to respond and shake the boy’s hand.

“Lu Guang. I’m Lu Guang.”

“Hi Guangguang! Welcome to Xiaoshi Crossing! Woah- What’s with the camera.” Xiaoshi poked his camera, hanging at his chest. Instinctively, Lu Guang stepped back to shield it.

“I guess… I like taking photos?” He wasn’t sure how to respond to that kind of question.

“What’s with the camera?” I don’t know? It’s a camera, not much more to say.

Cheng Xiaoshi’s face lit up. “Can I try?”

    Usually, Lu Guang never let anyone near his camera; however, he was desperate for friends and had no blaring red flags from this kid. He lifted the camera off his neck and handed it to Cheng Xiaoshi.

    The two spent awhile going over the controls of the camera, what each button does. Once there was a bit of confidence Cheng Xiaoshi knew what he was doing, Lu Guang let him take a photo. So Xiaoshi climbed back onto the train tracks, closing one eye with his tongue out get the perfect shot.

      “Guangguang, Look!” Lu Guang walked over as Xiaoshi excitedly shook the film. The photo was good, embarrassingly better than anything Lu Guang had ever taken. Xiaoshi was a natural.

“It’s beautiful.”

    Cheng Xiaoshi spent the rest of the evening taking more photos around the train tracks, each one was better than the last. Lu Guang was completely enamored by this boy. Once Cheng Xiaoshi had enough fun, the two sat on the train tracks. He talked about everything, and more shockingly, Lu Guang began to talk. His voice even began to strain by how much he was talking. Unfortunately, their conversation was halted by an alarm.

“A trains coming, let’s go,” Lu Guang stood up, brushing some gravel off his legs.

“Uhm. Lu Guang.”

    Guang glanced down to see Cheng Xiaoshi’s ankle trapped in the tracks. His stupidly oversized pants were stuffed in too, removing any space which would help Xiaoshi wiggle himself out.

   Without a second glance, Lu Guang began pulling Cheng Xiaoshi’s arm, leg, whatever he could to try to get him out of the train tracks. His weak, underweight body had no strength and only resulted in Cheng Xiaoshi yelping in pain. The tracks began to shake as the train approached.

“Lu Guang you have to go!”

“I’m not going to leave you!” Lu Guang had shouted for the first time in awhile.

   Cheng Xiaoshi used an arm to throw Lu Guang’s camera away. A soft crack was heard as the screen of the camera cracked. Without thinking, Lu Guang ran towards the camera before realizing he was leaving Cheng Xiaoshi.

    Lu Guang could now see the train approaching and was paralyzed in fear. His mind was screaming but he couldn’t get his legs to move. The fright led him to close his eyes and sob as the train passed by.

    Lu Guang heard the train barrel forward. Cheng Xiaoshi was probably too small to have caused any alerts towards the train operator. Lu Guang couldn’t dare to open his eyes at the scene before him. The young boy collapsed onto the ground, keeping his eyes stuck on the dirt below him. The photo he took earlier swept out of his pocket and laid in between his knees.

I wish I went home after that.

    Lu Guang wasn’t taught proper responses to grief, or any emotion in particular. He did the only thing he was told to. The boy closed his eyes, clasped his hands together, and prayed. When he opened his eyes, his prayers seemed to be answered. He was back, holding his camera with no cracks, a fresh film of the slowly setting sun developing. It was unreal. He glanced at  a clock tower hovering nearby. September 13th, 7:30PM. Lu Guang had no idea what to make of what just happened. Had he really gone back in time? Was Cheng Xiaoshi okay?

     Lu Guang, afraid to do anything else, ran home. Little did Lu Guang know that, that was the first of many times Cheng Xiaoshi died. In each and every timeline since then, his life centered around the boy he met at the train tracks.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

    It was few weeks later that Lu Guang realized his powers weren’t a weird fever dream, but real. He was staring at a collection of his photos when a fly began buzzing around him. He slapped his hands together to try to kill it, but ended up in a weird dissociative state. Suddenly, he was granted the vision to see the events within the photo. He began watching himself in the third person while being aware in the present. It was very disorienting. It didn’t take long for the sharp boy to piece together that clapping and photos gave him this ability. Although, a question linger in his head until his teenage years: why couldn’t he time travel anymore?

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

    Years later, Lu Guang was taking photos of the basketball court for a yearbook class. He had lost a lot of love for photography at this time, so he halfheartedly took pictures. The now, grown and healthier boy, set the camera down to watch the players. They were shockingly good, especially this one boy. Admittedly, he was a bit of a ball hog; he travelled quickly throughout the court, moving rhythmically. His black ponytail bobbed up and down with each step. His orange-brown eyes glared at where he was going.

Wait.. It can’t be. But they look so alike.

“Pass the ball, Cheng Xiaoshi!”

    Lu Guang’s heart began beating in his ears. It was him. The boy Lu Guang thought about every month, the missing piece to the time traveling puzzle, the boy he saved.

    During a water break, Lu Guang grabbed the boy by his wrist, excited to see his first friend. Cheng Xiaoshi jolted and turnt around.

“Do I know you?”

Chapter Text

     Something that stayed consistent within each and every timeline was that Cheng Xiaoshi an Lu Guang were broke as fuck. Qiao Ling couldn’t support them forever. They hadn’t had a costumer in eons because the police force kept them tied up in the whole Qian Jin debacle. It was time to get back to work.

“Cheng Xiaoshi.”

   The boy yelped after hearing his name. He was deep in thought— well deeply invested in whatever he was looking at his on phone.

“What’s up, Guangguang?”

“Can we talk?”

   For a brief moment, Cheng Xiaoshi’s lips twitched downwards. He was scared of confrontation, scared of being told he's disappointing someone. Whenever Lu Guang tries to have a serious conversation, Xiaoshi would be in visible discomfort.

    The two sit next to each other in the couch, their knees slightly brushing each other. The soft touch led Cheng Xiaoshi to relax, giving the opportunity for Lu Guang to speak.

“I think we should go back to accepting customers.”

“I… I’m not sure if I’m ready”

    Lu Guang knew exactly what he meant by that. Cheng Xiaoshi’s nightmare weren’t slowing down. It became a nightly routine that he would climb up the ladder, looking for Lu Guang’s approval to join him. It was strange how comfortable Cheng Xiaoshi’s was with such an intimate moment of sharing a bed. Lu Guang still had to adapt to being that close to one person for so long. He eventually fell into a comfortable rhythm, petting Cheng Xiaoshi’s head while he would shake. In moments like these, Lu Guang felt whole.

“It won’t be anything bad. We just need money,” Lu Guang sympathized.

   Cheng Xiaoshi’s face of hesitation pained Lu Guang. He knew exactly what the other boy was thinking. In the past, Lu Guang had deceived his best friend. Aren’t I still deceiving him? He would lie about what would happen in dives or not look as closely as he should. It would always end up with the job being done at the consequence of Xiaoshi being hurt, mad at Lu Guang.

“Okay. You’re right.”

But Cheng Xiaoshi could never stay mad for long.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

    Qiao Ling, who Lu Guang owed big time for all the help she’s been giving, found an easy case. The only thing they had to do was find where the customer misplaced their inherited watch, easy enough. Lu Guang checked the photo three times to make sure nothing bad happens within it. He had a killer headache at the end, but it was worth it to know he wouldn’t hurt Cheng Xiaoshi more than he already has. He debriefed Xiaoshi, hopefully lessening any anxiety he had.

“Are you ready?” Lu Guang reached out for Cheng Xiaoshi’s trembling hands.

“I don’t know why I’m so anxious. I don’t know. I guess..” He cut himself off with his own shaky laughter. “I guess I’m scared of being hurt, of dying.”

    Lu Guang’s heart dropped to his stomach. Cheng Xiaoshi had lived through too much to die now. Both of their suffering had to be worth it. The dedication to keep his partner alive grew even more.

“I would never let that happen to you, Xiaoshi.”

Cheng Xiaoshi squeezed his hand with the most stupid bashful grin. “I’m ready.”

The two lifted their hands. Clap.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

   The photo took them to a month prior in the countryside. The customer was Meng Shan, a 25 year old dentist assistant. He was staying with his parents for the summer, with one intention on his mind: should he get married? This persistent thought took his mind off his watch entirely, which is where Cheng Xiaoshi comes in.

“You take off the watch a lot for all the farm and house work. Do not forget where you leave it,” Lu Guang instructed.

“Yeah, yeah. They say I got a memory of an elephant, ya know!”

More like the memory of a goldfish.

    Throughout the entire evening, Cheng Xiaoshi cleaned up cow dung and fixed light bulbs. He complained less than usual (less was still a lot) most likely due to how non-stressful this job was. Even Lu Guang relaxed a bit. Xiaoshi also did an admittedly good job of not losing track of the watch. As the day slowly came to an end, Lu Guang worried that the watch getting lost did not exist within the 12 hours the photo was taken.

“After dinner, you are going to ask Meng Shan’s parents if you should get married.  After they respond, show them the ring located in your left front pocket.”

   Cheng Xiaoshi pulled out the ring to glance at it. It was a beautiful silver band with diamonds spread across. It shined brightly. Inside the band was inscribed “Mei Shan” and a heart symbol.

“It’s gorgeous,” Cheng Xiaoshi pointed out, turning the ring so it could shine in the sun. “Meng really loves this girl. I can feel it. I feel so… happy? It’s a kinda of euphoria that’s mesmerizing. Do you know what I mean, Lu Guang?”

I do know what you mean. It’s how I feel about you.

“Go talk to his parents.”

    Cheng Xiaoshi obeyed and walked into the family room. Meng Shan’s parents were overly supportive of this decision, exclaiming how they loved Mei from the moment they met her. There were a lot of tears, happy tears. The joyous family spent the evening discussing good spots for a proposal. At the end of the 12 hours, Meng Shan’s father went to go hug him. As they leaned in close, Cheng Xiaoshi noticed something in the dad’s jacket pocket.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

“The dad took the watch. Why would the dad take the watch?” Cheng Xiaoshi questioned, pacing in circles.

    Lu Guang was happy that he was feeling better, distracted by a new, safe mystery. The two spent the rest of the night discussing possibilities over ramen. It was the same ramen recipe Cheng Xiaoshi had learnt so long ago. Each time he made it, it tasted better.

  Early the next day, the patient came by to collect photos.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why your father would have taken the watch,” Cheng Xiaoshi said, fidgeting with his thumb. He had always hated disappointing people, pushing himself to this unrealistic standard.

   The customer said nothing, which made both the boys a bit anxious. He just stayed staring down at the table. After a bit of awkward silence, Meng Shan broke out into a weak laughter.

“My dad always said that watch was to remind me that I was never alone. I guess he saw that the ring was my reminder now,” Meng explained, grinning ear to ear. “My father technically never even gave me the watch. I just found it in his nightstand and started wearing it everyday.”

He paid then left, leaving the two in silence.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

       It was nice to fall back into a rhythm. Things felt “normal.” A new kind of normal where Lu Guang is living completely new experiences with Cheng Xiaoshi, new days. He wish he could live these times with ease, but the never-ending threat of Cheng Xiaoshi’s death loomed over him. What made this timeline so special?

“Lu Guang?” Cheng Xiaoshi gently shook him away.

   He groggily lifted his head to see his best friend’s concerned expression.

“I think you had a nightmare.”

    It was true. Lu Guang had another nightmare of Cheng Xiaoshi dying, this time by fire. He could smell the burning flesh, feel the vibrations as the building collapses.

“You were screaming my name.”

This embarrassed Lu Guang. “I’m sorry for waking you, let’s go back to bed.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

The two laid down facing each other. A strand of Cheng Xiaoshi’s black hair drifted in between his eyes. The two were close, too close. Lu Guang could feel the heat rising to his cheeks as he felt Xiaoshi’s warm breath falling on him. He hated lying to Cheng Xiaoshi, so he chose not to.

“Sometimes,” he started, ever so lightly. “I dream of you dying.”

“Oh Lu Guang…” Cheng Xiaoshi grabbed Lu Guang’s hand and pulled it to his chest. He could feel the heartbeat. Bump… Bump… Bump… Cheng Xiaoshi was alive. “I’m okay.”

     Lu Guang wasn’t sure if he was crying or not but Cheng Xiaoshi lifted his hand to wipe his face. Lu Guang had to learn to stay in the moment. Appreciate the now. Love that Cheng Xiaoshi made it to October. He fell back asleep without anymore nightmares.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

   It was disturbing how Cheng Xiaoshi could act like the two were never intimate. He never brought up their late night talks about nightmares, families, dream. He never talked about how they would hold each other as they fell asleep. Lu Guang was quite frankly relieved he didn’t talk about it because these moments felt different to him, he felt them more.

    In each and every timeline, Lu Guang never confesses to Cheng Xiaoshi. He couldn’t. Cheng Xiaoshi was being lied to, manipulated into believing a fake version of Lu Guang. However, Lu Guang was selfish enough to never leave Cheng Xiaoshi. They remained in the codependent relationship. They were more then friends, less then loves. He didn’t know how Cheng Xiaoshi would want their relationship to be defined. That’s didn’t matter to Lu Guang. As long as Cheng Xiaoshi was with him.

   Qiao Ling burst into the apartment. She startled Lu Guang so bad he almost dropped his coffee. “You have a new client! She’s willing to pay big! Enough to cover the missing debt from the past couple weeks.”

   Now that caught Lu Guang’s attention. He needed some good news. “I’ll get Cheng Xiaoshi right now.”

    As he walked into the bedroom, the black haired boy was still lying in Lu Guang’s bed, softly snoring. He gently shook him, which didn’t work. So he shook him aggressively which led to a started “WHOS THERE?” followed by a “Oh. Good morning, Guangguang!”

“Qiao Ling has a client, who’s gonna pay big.” He could feel the smile in his words; a sensation he hasn’t felt since the start of September.

“BIG?” Cheng Xiaoshi stumbled out of the bed, calling for Qiao Ling excitedly. His pajama pants were striped a pastel orange and white. His pants are still big Lu Guang acknowledged as he stumbled over his heel bite.

“We should go to a fancy dinner after this! I’m thinking that new hotpot place!”

Qiao Ling gently slapped him with a magazine. (Well, it wasn’t THAT gently) “Jackass, you need to learn how to save money!”

“Alright, Alright. What’s the customers orders.” Cheng Xiaoshi grabbed the coffee out of Lu Guang’s hands, taking a giant swig, grimacing. “Bitter!”

Qiao Ling dramatically slammed the photo on the table. It was a selfie of a teenage girl giving a peace sign. She had blonde hair, half down, half up in a side ponytail. The girl wore a heavy face of hime gyaru makeup. “This is Li Meixiu, a 17 year old student. Her mother threw away a letter she received in the mail. She wants you to read it before it gets thrown away.”

Cheng Xiaoshi glanced at Lu Guang, expectingly. “Will that mess up the timeline?”

It’s already messed up. “Let me take a look.” As he glanced into the photo, he saw nothing wrong. He looked deeper, scrunching his eyebrows. The letter was by someone already out of her life. Her reading it to would not change the timeline. “You’re all set, Xiaoshi.”

Cheng Xiaoshi pointed to himself. “Me? Now? I just woke up! At least let me eat first!” He scrambled quickly to the kitchen.

“I’m gonna go back home. Lu Guang let’s talk later this week about your birthday!” Lu Guang nodded but was really not looking forward to it.

Lu Guang followed Xiaoshi into the kitchen, seeing him stuff a blueberry muffin into his face. “Let’s go!” He said, spitting crumbs everywhere.

Clap

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

“Li! Breakfast’s ready!”

Li sets down her camera. Her uniform was a wrinkly mess. She didn’t have time to iron it because of how long her makeup took. “Coming, Mom!

    She hurried down the stairs, backpack in hand to see the disappointed face of her mother. “Li, your math grade slipped again. I want you to do better on your test today.”

“Math? Lu, you gotta be shitting me,” Cheng Xiaoshi muttered.

“I’m sorry mom. I’ll do better.” Li tilted her head downwards.

“I love you sweetie.” Li’s mom pushed a strand of hair behind her ear.

   Cheng Xiaoshi mushed as much food as he could in his mouth, muttering about how much better it was than a stale muffin. Eventually, Li’s driver to school arrived, and she had to go. As she left, Cheng Xiaoshi took a glance at the house which was huge.

“Lu Guang. I think I know why this client is able to pay us so much. Her family is stinkin’ rich.”

Cheng Xiaoshi just had to make it through the school day, the real action happened once she got home. Li Meixiu had a lot of friends but acted quiet and cold towards them. Lu Guang, of course, knew why. Her best friend of several years had moved, leaving her feeling empty. Cheng Xiaoshi inherited these feelings and could not stop whining about it.

“I think I’m gonna puke from how sad this girl is. I can barely think from how mopey she is. Lu Guang, do I ever get this sad?”

Lu Guang was surprised to hear him bring up his emotions, a usual past-9pm-exclusive subject. “Just focus on your math test next period. It’s intro to calculus and on limits.”

Cheng Xiaoshi whined even louder, giving Lu Guang a minor headache. “I forgot everything about calculus! I was so much more excited for the mission before realizing it’s just school.”

Luckily, the girl fails the math test anyway so Cheng Xiaoshi did not have to try. For one of the free response questions, Xiaoshi spent 10 minutes drawing Lu Guang. It was a horrific drawing. The rest of the school day went by fast and easy, a pace must easier for Lu Guang to manage.

“At the end of the driveway, your driver is gonna hand you a letter. Immediately go to your room, lock your door, and read it. Don’t open your door until it’s read,” Lu Guang instructed carefully. It was pretty much impossible to change any nodes within these 12 hours but Lu Guang wanted to be as careful as possible.

As predicted, the driver hands Li, or Xiaoshi, the letter. “Who’s Pei Zhilin? Wait.. Woah… Her heart just dropped. Is this the best friend?” Lu Guang grunted in affirmation.

   Immediately as the door opened, Cheng Xiaoshi did as followed. He locked himself in Li’s room and ripped open the letter which read:

“My lovely, Li,

       I’m sorry for leaving you suddenly. I know I said I would finish our teenage years together but my dad got a job in another city. I don’t know why you blocked me but please send a letter. I miss you.

I love you so much,

Pei”

“I don’t get it. Li never blocked her?” Cheng Xiaoshi remarked.

On cue, Li’s mother begins banging on the door. “Li Meixiu. Did you fucking fail another test? I’m gonna homeschool you if you keep this shit up.”

     Li collapsed to the ground, already teared up from the letter, but now sobbing from her mother’s reprimands.

“Unlock this door this instant or I’m opening it myself you little shit.”

“Lu Guang what do I do?”

“She opens the door either way, it doesn’t matter.”

    Hesitantly, Cheng Xiaoshi unlocked the door. Li’s mother instantly grabbed him by the collar screaming derogatory remarks. Eventually she glanced down at the letter on the floor.

“What’s this? Don’t tell me that queer little Pei sent another letter.” She began ripping up the letter.

“Another? Mom, what do you mean another?” Lei sobbed, trying to grasp her mother’s hands to stop them from ripping the paper.

“We had her dad transferred to stop her from distracting you. Clearly that didn’t work! Maybe you’re destined to disappoint me!”

“Cheng Xiaoshi. You read the letter. The rest was destined to happen in each and every timeline. You can clap out now,” Lu Guang said calmly.

“No. I don’t like leaving customers in states like this. By being here, I feel like I’m protecting them from some of the pain.” Lu Guang could hear the strain in his voice. Cheng Xiaoshi was so much more selfless than he was.

    Cheng Xiaoshi stuck to his word, being hit and screamed at for an hour. He stayed with her, crying alone in her room. He didn’t complain once.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

    When the 12 hours were up, Cheng Xiaoshi was quiet which was to be expected. This was the first “bad” dive since they got back to work. Lu Guang cooked dinner to try to lighten the mood.

“I think the saddest part was that Li didn’t even know she loved Pei back,” Cheng Xiaoshi said, deep in thought. “When I was her, I truly just saw Pei as my friend. Once I read that letter, it all made sense. She always loved Pei just realized too late.”

Cheng Xiaoshi smiled slightly. “I guess we all are late sometimes.“

    Lu Guang was nothing like Li Meixiu. He was never late. Lu Guang would never make the mistake of letting Cheng Xiaoshi not exist in his life. He would do anything for Cheng Xiaoshi. A new hope emerged into Lu Guang’s heart.

You’re not gonna die ever again.

Chapter Text

It was 12pm when Qiao Ling walked in with some takeout, singing, “Lu Guang! Lu Guang! Lu Guang”

“What?” Lu Guang was in the middle of a very dramatic scene of his novel.

“Your birthdays like two weeks away! It’s time to send out invites!”

   The long awaited party. Lu Guang would turn 21 for the first time. His first, first birthday in a long time. It was scary and new. But Lu Guang knew how to get the attention off him.

“Let’s make it big”

Qiao Ling’s mouth opened and closed without saying any actual words. She stared at Lu Guang, unsure if her best friend had been replaced by some sort of alien impersonator. “You..? You, Lu Guang, want a big birthday party? Like big as in 5 people orrrr…?”

“I want it Qiao Ling-big. Invite all our high school friends, anyone who you’d like. We can make it a potluck so we don’t have to worry about anything besides cleaning up.”

Qiao Ling remained in visible confusion. “What’s the real reason behind this?”

Lu Guang shrugged. “A bigger party means less attention on me.”

Qiao Ling grinned. Lu Guang knew she liked planning parties, big parties. “You are one odd man, let’s go plan.”

     Lu Guang’s social meter was not prepared for this many trips to different party stores. He had to suffer through a lot of trying to pick between two different shades of blue for napkins. When he would pick whatever was cheaper, Qiao Ling would scold him for not enjoying his big 21st enough. She was kind enough to pay for everything, despite Lu Guang’s objections.

   It was strange. Lu Guang didn’t feel like he was turning 21. He didn’t know his true age. The celebration of birthdays became meaningless to him. A few timelines ago, his 20th birthday made him derealize like never before

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

“Happy Birthday to you!”

If you could relive your 20th birthday 100 times, are you still turning 20?

“Happy Birthday to you!”

How old am I?

“Happy Birthday to Lu Guang!”

I don’t wanna be 20 forever.

“Happy Birthday to you!”

Lu Guang blew out the candles.

I wish for this cycle to end.

Cheng Xiaoshi moved close to Lu Guang’s face. Too close. “Whatcha wish for?”

“I can’t tell you. Right? That’ll make it not come true.”

“Luuuu Guannnggg you’re no fun! Now I’m extra curious.”

Qiao Ling shoved Cheng Xiaoshi out of the way. “If he doesn’t wanna tell you, he doesn’t have to!” She whipped her head towards Lu Guang so fast he thought it was gonna make a full 360. “But if you wanna tell your little landlady, she’s a bit curious!”

Cheng Xiaoshi stood back up and stomped foot. “Little? Aren’t you the oldest here, gramps?”

“Gramps? You little shit. Maybe if you stop throwing a toddler tantrum, you’d learn to respect your elders.”

    The two began arguing loudly until they were interrupted by Lu Guang’s laughter, which caused them  all to burst out in laughter.

“Well, I hope your wish comes true, Guangguang,” Cheng Xiaoshi as he hugged his best friend.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

    Lu Guang’s favorite color is blue, so naturally they went with a blue theme. Despite his birthday being a week and a half away, he let Qiao Ling splurge on all she was buying. The two didn’t have nearly enough alone time. Despite having completely different external personalities, the two have a very similar core. After watching how protective she was over Cheng Xiaoshi, he saw her in a different light.

“I just get worried about him,” she said a few years back. Lu Guang was helping her with spring cleaning.

“How so?” Lu Guang resisted the urge to sneeze from how much dust was in her attic.

“He still waits for his parents. Not as much, but I wonder if he’ll ever move on,” Qiao Ling muttered. “Lu Guang, am I good enough for him?”

    This caught Lu Guang completely off guard. He even stumbled a bit. While he was well aware of Qiao Ling’s insecurities at this point, they had never been related to Cheng Xiaoshi.

Seeing Lu Guang’s reaction, Qiao Ling decided to clarify. “I mean. I know it’s selfish. I just can’t help to think that if I was a good enough older sister, he wouldn’t need his parents anymore.”

Ah.

     Lu Guang knew this feeling all too well. His love was different than Qiao Ling’s, but they both felt such heavy love towards Cheng Xiaoshi. Their love swelled to a point where Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t notice it, it all felt pointless. Maybe Xiaoshi only attracts obsession, not anything tamer.

“I don’t believe it’s our right to fill that gap left by his parents. We love him and he loves us. That’s what’s important,” Lu Guang said, knowing he didn’t believe it. He needed Cheng Xiaoshi to love him with the same obsession. He craved so hard for the approval and romance of his best friend.

Qiao Ling wiped off the dust of an old family photo. It was her, Cheng Xiaoshi, and both their parents together, sitting around a Christmas tree. “You’re easy to talk to, Lu. I think that’s why everyone likes you.”

Lu Guang didn’t agree with that statement, he felt plenty unlikable.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

     Qiao Ling sat down with an exasperated expression in the mall’s dining hall. It was already past 7pm and both their feet ached from walking.

“I’m so beat…. but that was fun!” She said, quickly changing her manner after seeing Lu Guang brought over bao buns.

“Yeah.” It wasn’t fun for Lu Guang. The only fun came from seeing how happy Qiao Ling was.

“I’m glad you let me do this for you,” she said, mouth full of food, spitting across the table. It’s times like these I’m shocked Cheng Xiaoshi and Qiao Ling don’t share genetics.

“I mean, it’ll be a get together for friends. Not necessarily for my birthday,” Lu Guang said, rhythmically tapping his chopsticks together.

“No, that’s not what I meant. You’re always here for us, I’m happy to repay the favor any chance I get,” she swallowed her food. “You deserve to be appreciated, ya know?”

Lu Guang heard Qiao Ling telling him this but just couldn’t bring himself to believe it. His mind was plagued with so much guilt. The fog within his brain was so thick he couldn’t even attempt to look for an exit.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

Lu Guang was enjoying a perfectly comfortable silence on the couch when he heard, “Lu Guannnnggggg…. I need to get something off my chest,” from a very whiny boy.

“What’s up, Cheng Xiaoshi,” Lu Guang sighed.

“Don’t be mad… but your gift isn’t ready yet,” he confessed.

“My birthday isn’t for a week? And I strictly asked for no gifts?” Lu Guang raised an eyebrow.

“Every year I get you a gift like 3 months before, but I’m running out of time…! I have to go above and beyond this year!”

“No, you don’t,” Lu Guang looked back down at his book.

Cheng Xiaoshi stretched his body to a position where he could lay against Lu Guang’s side. “Yes I do.”

Lu Guang hoped the book covered his blush.

“I’m excited to see what it is then, Cheng Xiaoshi”

Maybe my birthday wish will come true.

Chapter Text

    It was October 23rd. The month went by surprising fast and surprisingly well. Cheng Xiaoshi had no near-death expirence which kept Lu Guang sane, and Qiao Ling was as chipper as ever. Even Lu Guang went outside his comfort zone, getting tea with Dong Yi; whom ravaged on about his love for Xu Shanshan. His rambling didn’t even annoy Lu Guang. The joy was infectious and Lu Guang couldn’t help but have a bit of happiness and envy for them. Their connection was ideal.

     Qiao Ling was over and the three were playing monopoly. The game was meant to be a small little afternoon activity but spanned into a multiple hours long side quest. And of course, the landlady was losing as she spent 99% of the game stuck in jail.

“These dice have got to be rigged,” Qiao Ling complained as she moved her thumbtack to jail.

“Nope! You’re just butt hurt,” Cheng Xiaoshi teased.

   It was Lu Guang’s turn. Despite having maybe the worst lucky imaginable, he was winning. He quickly blew on the dice before rolling and…

“Cheng Xiaoshi! I will be taking your property,” he declared while cracking his knuckles.

“Lu Guanngg!” The boy began to pout. “Qiao Ling, we have to team up against him.”

“I don’t know if I wanna team with someone who accuses my butt of hurting!”

   Only a few more rounds later and Lu Guang had won, much to everyone else’s dismay.

Cheng Xiaoshi flopped his arms around his older sister. “Qiao Lingggg. We’re brokeeee,” he sobbed.

“Well maybe if you didn’t target me the entire first half of the game, we could have won!”

    The three spent the rest of the evening laughing with one another, recounting stories from their youth. Qiao Ling even told the story when Cheng Xiaoshi stuck a macaroni noodle in his nose and had to go to the ER. As the night creeped in, Cheng Xiaoshi excused himself to take a shower before bed.

“Let me help you clean up,” Qiao Ling offered, grabbing the plate out of Lu Guang’s hand.

      While Qiao Ling could be loud, she also was able to participate in a comfortable silence with Lu Guang. The two cleaned up quietly asides from the humming Qiao Ling sings when deep in thought.

“Hey, Lu Guang. Can I ask you something?” She said, looking down at her skirt.

“Hm?”

“Are you and Cheng Xiaoshi like… a thing?”

    Both of their faces were entirely red at this point. Lu Guang could feel his body begin to ache. While he thought about this every single day, not once has he ever verbalized it. Especially verbalized it to Cheng Xiaoshi’s sister.

Possibly seeing the shock on his face, she continued: “It’s just… ever since you first met eachother, you’ve been so close. And Cheng Xiaoshi won’t tell me anything relating to his love life. And like.” She waved her hand, faltering. “I don’t think it’s possible for you guys to have any other partners. Your lives currently center around eachother. I’m sorry if I’m judging your character wron-“

“Qiao Ling, I like him. I like him so much.” He was surprised to hear his voice crack on the verge of tears, to even hear himself even utter those words out loud.

“Oh… Lu Guang.” She placed down the plate she was drying, to hug him.

“Don’t ever tell him this but I just don’t want things to change.  He’s everything to me but I don’t know if… I guess I don’t think he feels the same,” Lu Guang admitted. While it felt nice to get this off his chest, a new anxiety rose of Qiao Ling tattling.

“I won’t tell a soul.” And just like that, the anxiety went away. Qiao Ling’s words always came off as truthful. She wanted the genuine best for Lu Guang and he needed to see that.

As long as no one finds out about all of my mistakes.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

      Lu Guang was lucky enough to wake up with the best birthday gift of all, Cheng Xiaoshi still sleeping next to him, his head leaning against Lu Guang’s chest. Qiao Ling’s words echoed in his head. Are you and Cheng Xiaoshi like… a thing? Were they a thing? Lu Guang had no clue how Cheng Xiaoshi felt.

      Usually, Cheng Xiaoshi woke up before Lu Guang and would quietly climb down the bunk bed. It felt nice to hold his best friend’s warm body. He had no reason to get out of bed when he could just stay with Cheng Xiaoshi. Like everything in Lu Guang’s life, the happiness couldn’t last and an alarm went off causing Cheng Xiaoshi to launch awake.

“Ouch,” Cheng Xiaoshi said as he banged his head against the ceiling. “Sorry that’s my alarm!” He reached for his phone to turn it off then layed back down, wrapping his arms around Lu Guang.

Lu Guang was willing to stay like this until Cheng Xiaoshi realized what the alarm was for and shot up again. “Happy birthday, Guang Guang!”

Lu Guang accepted he wasn’t getting anymore sleep for the night and leaned forward, awakening all his senses. “Thank you.” He sniffed the air. “Uhm. Is something burning?”

“Oh shit. Oh shit.” Cheng Xiaoshi quickly clambered out of bed and began making a commotion in the kitchen.

Lu Guang followed his best friend to an… interesting sight. The first thing he noticed was the smoke coming out of the oven and Cheng Xiaoshi opening all the widows in the house. The second was the decorations. Cheng Xiaoshi must of woken up so early to decorate this much. He climbed back into bed after. Lu Guang’s heart did the stupid thing where it flutters a bit. It always shocked him how good it felt to be loved.

“I’m sorry Lu Guang! I tried to make a coffee cake but I fell back asleep and…” Cheng Xiaoshi pointed to the crisp block of flour. It would take hours of scrubbing to get the pan back, but Lu Guang was too happy to be upset.

“Let’s order in breakfast,” he suggested, knowing Cheng Xiaoshi could never say no. Lu Guang glanced at the clock. 8am… party starts at 5pm… plenty of time to relax!

While the two were waiting for breakfast to deliver, they shared a blanket on the couch. Cheng Xiaoshi’s neck rested on Lu Guang’s shoulder. The two turned on cheesy reality tv that they used to watch in high school. The shows were bad enough to be good, causing the two partners’ stomachs to hurt from laughter. This was Lu Guang’s ideal birthday.

   A few minutes after their breakfast arrived, Qiao Ling burst into the room. Her short black hair was pushed out of her face with a thick headband. She had an uncomfortable looking green face mask.

“Why wasn’t I invited to this breakfast hangout?” She crossed her arms and huffed.

“You would have talked too much and ruin the mood, landlady,” Cheng Xiaoshi joked, waving his fork at her.

“Wait… Are those hash browns?” She began stuffing her face with Cheng Xiaoshi’s food.

“No. Stop it. Stop it. That’s mine,” he shooed her like she was a mosquito.

Qiao Ling swallowed without chewing. “Ok, Lu! I’m gonna come by at 12 and decorate! Xu Shanshan and probably Dong Yi are coming at like 1 to help me!”

Lu Guang gave a thumbs up as she skipped out of their apartment.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

      The day quickly went by to the expected 5pm start. While Lu Guang wanted big, he didn’t expect this big. The party extended out of the photo studio and onto the land outdoors. Luckily enough, Qiao Ling had gotten direct permission to host the large gathering as long as no fire hazards were happening. Once again, Lu Guang did not know where he would be without her. Most of the people were, as recommended, Qiao Ling’s friends who were strangers to Lu Guang. Despite the “no gifts” on the invitation, Lu Guang got a bunch of presents that were being stored in the only “off-bounds” room, the bedroom.

     Lu Guang was sipping on some vodka tonic that somebody had brought when he felt a hand on his waist.

“How you holding up?” Cheng Xiaoshi asked. The top of his cheeks and ears were stained a light pink from the alcohol he had been consuming. His breath reeked of charcuterie board and tictacs, an odd combo.

“I don’t know any of these people,” Lu Guang chuckled.

Cheng Xiaoshi inched closer. “But are you enjoying your birthday?”

      Lu Guang turned around to face the tipsy boy. His hair was tied back, small sweat droplets lining his hairline. His brown tank top had a visible food-related stain, which was unsurprising to Lu Guang. What remained surprising was Cheng Xiaoshi waking up every morning. His chest moving up and down every night. The fact Lu Guang didn’t have nightmares for 3 days. The fact that Lu Guang was happy. He had regained so much faith he had lost. Lu Guang got to celebrate his 21st birthday with Cheng Xiaoshi, the best gift of all.

“I think this is a pretty great birthday.”

“Do you wanna go up to the roof? I wanna give you your gift now,” Cheng Xiaoshi sheepishly asked.

    Lu Guang nodded, so Cheng Xiaoshi grabbed his hand and led him upstairs. It was quiet up there. The autumn breeze chilled Lu Guang but seeing Xiaoshi’s face gave him all the warmth needed. The moon was out, it was waning, bright and shining. The moonlight reflected onto Cheng Xiaoshi’s face, highlighting all his best features: his eyes, his nose, his smile, his curly black hair he refused to style.

   Cheng Xiaoshi’s pulled out a rectangle, covered in wrapping paper with a wiener dog and balloons on it. Lu Guang carefully unwrapped it to reveal a thick book.

“It’s a scrap book,” Xiaoshi said, embarrassed.

     Lu Guang spent no time waiting. He flipped through the pages, each handled with such detail and precision. They were filled with photos, hundreds maybe. Some Lu Guang had recollection of taking, like their selfie on the way home from an art museum. Some Lu Guang had never seen, photos of himself sleeping on the couch, sipping tea, reading his novel. Each photo had its own entry with the date it was taken and why it was taken. The reasons of why varied from “Qiao Ling’s dad wanted to see a photo of our trip” to “You looked really cute.” There was so much love put into it.

“Cheng Xiaoshi… It’s perfect.” Lu Guang hugged his best friend, an action he rarely initiated.

“Happy Birthday, Guangguang.”

   The roommates stayed outside, enjoying the fresh air. It was quiet. And the two were buzzed.

   Their feet dangled off the edge of the building, hands on top of one another. They didn’t say anything. They didn’t have to. Lu Guang could feel Cheng Xiaoshi’s gaze on him, the presence that’s been apart of his life longer than not. Lu Guang stared back.

   His best friend’s, his muse’s, nose began inching forward, his mouth slightly open. Lu Guang, full of longing, inched forward before the guilt pulled him back.

“You’re drunk,” Lu Guang said, red with embarrassment.

“I’m not. I want this.”

    For the first time ever, Lu Guang recognized the same longing he had, in Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes. Lu Guang wasn’t worthy of that longing, any love for him was a mistake. He was so filled with distaste of himself, he couldn’t even find his voice. His head ached, partly from the alcohol, partly from the stress. His vision blurred as his ears popped. Why did it have to be on his birthday?

“If you don’t love me back just tell me. I can keep living like this,” Cheng Xiaoshi muttered.

I love you more.

“I want you in my life,” Cheng Xiaoshi pleaded.

I’d kill to have you in my life.

“I want to be with you,” Cheng Xiaoshi cried.

I need to be with you.

But, “I can’t,” was what came out of Lu Guang’s mouth.

“You can’t or you don’t want to. I’ll leave it alone, I just need an answer.” Cheng Xiaoshi’s voice was choked with anguish.

“I can’t. I don’t deserve you.” Lu Guang needed to shut up.

“I don’t deserve you either. Lu Guang, do you really think that?”

“I made a mistake.” Lu Guang really needed to shut up. His eyes filled with tears, causing Cheng Xiaoshi’s expression to soften.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry.” The world began spinning. Night lights on the street stretched, giving an astigmatic effect. Lu Guang’s heart ached with burden of the secret he’s been carrying forever.

“I couldn’t live without you.”

Cheng Xiaoshi’s face dropped. “Lu Guang?”

“I couldn’t live without you.”

   Cheng Xiaoshi backed up, covering his mouth. Fear resided in his eyes. He shook with complete and utter horror of the realization he just put together. This reaction is what scared Lu Guang. This is why he carried the burden for so many years. It was his guilt to carry.

   Cheng Xiaoshi puked. In the past, Lu Guang would reach out to hold his hair out of his face, or bring him a mint, or comfort him.

Instead, Lu Guang did what he did best: he ran.

Chapter Text

“Happy birthday, my lucky charm,” Lu Guang’s grandmother said as she put her hand on the back of his head.

    As he lifted his chin, the smell of a baking blueberry crumble grew stronger. It was his favorite dish of his grandmother, his favorite dish ever. Despite their rocky relationship, the love they had for one another was real. It was cold in the house. His grandfather had gone out and collected wood early in the day for a nice fire. The flames reflected in his grandmother’s eyes, causing a ray of colors to shine within.

“Hey kid, open your gifts why don’t ya?” Lu Guang’s grandfather suggested. His voice was strained from years of smoking. He had to smoke to distract himself from his time in the army. His body was covered in gunshot and knife scars. On the left hand, he had lost his pink finger due to barbed wire. Despite what most would consider a scary appearance, Lu Guang was really close to his grandfather. The two would stay up late as he recounted war stories, how he met his grandmother, and what Lu Guang’s dad was like growing up. His grandfather only mentioned his mother once, saying all that mattered was that Lu Guang got all her best characteristics.

Lu Guang ripped open the wrapping paper to reveal a binder of sorts. It was filled with empty clear folders. “Uhm. Thanks pa’!”

His grandfather chuckled. “You silly goose. It’s to hold all those photos you take.”

Lu Guang got filled with antsy excitement, the same feeling a kid gets the night before Christmas. He ran over to hug his grandfather, a gesture not too common in the family. “Thanks pa’!!”

A loud alarm went off. “That’s the cake! Why don’t you come sit at the table and we’ll all sing for you, Lu?”

“Okay!!” Lu Guang got up to run to the dining room a bit too fast, tripping over the carpet, landing on his face.

“God bless you. What are we going to do with you, boy,” his grandmother said, laughing.

Lu Guang leaned off the floor, giggling.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

THUD.

   Lu Guang fell on his face after reaching the end of the stairs. His vision was going around in circles, his mind running faster than his body. The crash must have alerted Qiao Ling because she ran over to help him up.

“There you are! We’ve been looking all over for you! It’s cake time,” she smiled. Or at least Lu Guang thought she did. So many faces were staring at him, all their bodies mushed into one. Lu Guang could hear their thoughts, their chants.

You’re a hypocrite.

You’re a murderer.

   They all knew he was awful. They all knew the only thing he was good for was lying. His heart was beating out of his chest. His dissociation was so bad, he couldn’t even feel Qiao Ling’s hand on his arm, guiding him to a gathering of people. All these people were here to shame him, not praise. For the first time in months, Lu Guang saw Vein. He was everywhere. His face was the face of everyone he knew and loved. You killed Vein. You killed him. Vein’s red hair was in food he ate. His smile was on the friends he made. His body was in his nightmares everyday.

I was trying to protect Cheng Xiaoshi.

“Where’s Cheng Xiaoshi?” Vein asked, murder in his voice. No. It wasn’t Vein. It was Qiao Ling asking with concern.

Vein is dead.

“I don’t know,” Lu Guang managed.

Cheng Xiaoshi was the one who was meant to die.

“Maybe he’s somewhere in the crowd! But we’ve got a birthday to sing!”

      All the eyes looked at him, their mouths moving in synchrony. Qiao Ling brought him a cake, with a “2” and a “1” candle, the fire burning bright. It reflected in Qiao Ling’s eyes and Lu Guang saw all the times he let her die. All his failures to protect her. Lu Guang was so selfish, putting himself in charge of their lives. Lu Guang didn’t even hear them finish singing, he just saw thousands of expecting gazes. He quickly blew out the candle. I wish I wasn’t a failure. Once Qiao Ling turned around to cut the cake, Lu Guang booked it out othe photo studio.

   As he ran he saw Cheng Xiaoshi’s disgusted face. The eyes of betrayal. Tears flooded down his face but Lu Guang didn’t care, he just had to leave. The freezing air led his breath to be visible. In and out.. in and out. He called an uber to take him to the one place he knew would help.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

   The train station hadn’t changed in over a decade. Moss grew over the benches. Overgrown vegetation reached the edges. The train, while infrequent, made loud rickety noises. This train station was Lu Guang’s node. Finding it while hiking gave him meaning. It gave him Cheng Xiaoshi. His childhood home down the street was abandoned. He didn’t know where his family lived. He didn’t need to know. Having Cheng Xiaoshi was enough.

    A train came by, the noise running into his ear. He saw Cheng Xiaoshi as a child, his limbs all broken into gruesome positions. Blood and flesh meshed into a distorted face he could barely recognize. This was the Cheng Xiaoshi that should have died. The start of the end. Blood was on Lu Guang’s hands. He made eye contact with the child, noticing Lu Guang’s mother’s broken camera in his hands. He would do it all again. Looking at the consequences of his actions, Lu Guang couldn’t find himself letting Cheng Xiaoshi die. He pulled out the photo in his pocket.

   It was Cheng Xiaoshi at a basketball game. It was right before Lu Guang got rudely hit in the face. It was their “first interaction.” Lu Guang didn’t get why Cheng Xiaoshi got so attached after that. He didn’t understand why he was worth this much care.

  Time passed by fast. His anxiety caused everything to seem so unreal and distorted. His phone was dead, luckily. Lu Guang wasn’t read for anyone to talk to him. Truthfully, he wanted to go back to the start, prevent all of this from happening. He should have said no to sharing a bed with Cheng Xiaoshi. Lu Guang should have never let their legs brush against each other while eating dinner or hold hands while walking in the park. But Lu Guang was greedy so he took part in these intimate moments. He was greedy enough to let Cheng Xiaoshi get attached.

    While out of it, Lu Guang walked to the closest motel. He gave all the cash he had for a room. The room was tiny, but felt huge without Cheng Xiaoshi’s presence. It felt impossible to fall asleep without the black haired boy within his reach. He needed to feel his breath, his warmth. Lu Guang was alone and scared and exhausted. He kept his eyes shut, waiting for his birthday to end.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

“I can’t fucking believe you.” Cheng Xiaoshi stood tall, with an angry expression, arms crossed.

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Lu Guang turned to Qiao Ling for some sort of safety line but she had the same expression. “How long have you been lying to us? How long have you’ve been faking?” Qiao Ling spat.

“None of it was fake!” Lu Guang insisted. “All my emotions were true!”

“I don’t believe you,” Qiao Ling turned her nose up with distain.

“It was your words, Lu Guang. Death is unchangeable. I should be dead,” Xiaoshi reached into his back pocket.

“It doesn’t have to be. You lived until October. In each and every timeline, you die much earlier,” Lu Guang was pleading with his whole body at this point.

“I should be dead,” Xiaoshi repeated. In his back pocket was a pistol, and without hesitation, Xiaoshi held it to his head and shot.

    Lu Guang screamed, a blood curdling scream. He ran over to his best friend, blood and brains spilling out of him, trying to stop the flow with his hands.

     The gun rolled towards Qiao Ling, who picked it up and did the same.

  Lu Guang sobbed, his chest heaving in pain. He screamed for help. He screamed for his grandparents, something he hadn’t done since a little kid. For hours, he screamed at his two bestfriends to wake up, shaking their bloody bodies.

“Uh, Uh, Uh,” a mocking tone said from behind him.

     The tall boy had long red hair, braided back. He was wearing all black, like he was attending a funeral. A malicious deep smirk creased onto his face.

“Vein,” Lu Guang managed to croak out.

“The bullet was meant for you,” Vein smiled, kicking Qiao Ling’s corpse away so he could inch closer.

Lu Guang sobbed even harder, coughing over his own tears.

“This could have stayed in between us,” Vein said, pulling out his gun and cocking it at Lu Guang’s forehead. “You let them die for you.”

Lu Guang closed his eyes, accepting his fate. Vein pulled the trigger.

THUD

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

    Lu Guang woke up in a cold sweat and very dehydrated. Tears stained the sheets of a bed that wasn’t his, a bed that wasn’t Cheng Xiaoshi’s, a bed that wasn’t their’s.

   He held himself, angry. Lu Guang was childish, running away from his problems. I couldn’t face him. What could Lu Guang even tell Xiaoshi? That he should have died?  Lu Guang wanted out, he wanted the emotional weight lifted.

  Each and every time Cheng Xiaoshi dies, Lu Guang loses a part of himself.

KNOCK KNOCK

“Hey kid, your stay is up, you booked 16 hours,” a scraggly older woman’s voice barked.

    Lu Guang got out, unsure of where to go next. His body ached for Cheng Xiaoshi, his comfort, but he couldn’t face him. He wasn’t ready. He was stuck on the streets of his childhood town, without a charged phone, no money, and definitely no plan.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

“Honey, who is it?” a male voiced asked from the other room.

“I don’t know, Ron. Hey sweetie, whatcha need,” the woman asked. Her long brown hair was tied into a low ponytail. An apron laid at her waist with splashes of tomato sauce. It was stupid but it reminded Lu Guang of how every article of clothing Cheng Xiaoshi would stain from eating too fast.

What do I need? “Hey. Um. I was in town and this is my childhood home. Can I… look at it?” Lu Guang mustered awkwardly. It was a stupid question, who would let a stranger into their house?

“Oh! You must be Feng and Yijin’s grandkid! Gosh, now that I look at ya, you look just like her,” the women pointed out, grabbing Lu Guang’s cheeks. “I’m Jia, I was a friend of your folks and bought the house after they passed.”

Lu Guang shook free from the woman’s grasp, shocked at what he just heard. Well, he assumed his grandparents were dead. They were too old to be alive. Still it was shocking to hear someone else confirm his thoughts. Another scoop of guilt was added for not going to the funeral.

“Lu Guang,” he said, walking into the house. It was as small and dingy as ever. Lights spread across the ceiling flickered. A big pot of sauce was simmering on the stovetop, mixed by the man whose voice Lu Guang heard earlier. Small breaths could be heard from the table, where a baby snored in a high chair. The baby couldn’t have been more than 5 months old, so soft and delicate.

“I owe a lot to your grandparents. They had paid off the house and knew that we were struggling… and they just let us have it.”

Lu Guang traced his finger against the wall, painted a beige rather than the baby blue it was when he was a kid. “I don’t know how you got along with them. They were batshit crazy.”

Jia laughed. “A lot of old people were. But they were so fun to talk to. I mean, yeah, they warned me about hell every 5 seconds. The rest of the time they’d listen to my problems and light up my day with stories.” She took the spoon from her husband. “They loved you so much, even if they expressed it poorly.”

   Lu Guang didn’t want to hear this. He didn’t want to be guilted into feeling bad for losing contact with his grandparents. The only reason he came here was to seek comfort.

“It sounds like they were fine without me,” he shrugged.

“Sounds like you were fine without them,” Jia tried.

Why was I fine without them? “I had really good friends.”

Jia smiled. Lu Guang’s psychosis came to a sudden halt.

I have to go home. I have to try.

     Jia and her husband were kind enough to drive Lu Guang to a bus station which had a direct route to the photo studio. The trip wasn’t long but felt like eons from the anxiety. I have to try.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

    Hesitantly, Lu Guang knocked on the front door. Almost immediately Cheng Xiaoshi opened it. His eyes had darker circles than normal, his hair unkept.

Lu Guang took a deep breath in. “Can we talk?”

Chapter Text

     For the first time Lu Guang could recount, their rhythm was off. The usual comfortable silence between the two was rigid with awkwardness. As they sat on the couch, Lu Guang found himself scooting away; once again, trying to run away from his problems. He held the tea Cheng Xiaoshi made for him tensely. It was jasmine, his favorite.

“Have you told Qiao Ling?” Lu Guang asked slowly.

Cheng Xiaoshi scowled. “No. Why would I tell her before talking to you?” He acted offended Lu Guang would even ask that. He’s mad at me.

A few more seconds of silence went on. Lu Guang felt lost, unsure of what to say. “Where did you go?” Cheng Xiaoshi inquired.

No more lying.

“I went to the train tracks. Then I stayed at a motel. My phone was dead so I got a ride by the current householders of my folk’s.” Lu Guang felt a tiny bit of anxiety lifted. He never talked about his folks, not even to Xiaoshi.

“What train tracks?” Cheng Xiaoshi asked like he already knew the answer.

Lu Guang laughed dryly. “Xiaoshi Crossing. It’s where I first met you.”

Cheng Xiaoshi looked up at the ceiling. “And I died?”

Here it goes. “It was the first time you died. The first time I used the power. I didn’t see you again til our teenage years.”

“How many times?”

“I lost count. In each and every timeline, you never make it to October. I don’t know… I don’t know why you’re alive right now.”

“How much do you know about me?” Cheng Xiaoshi nervously wrung his hands. It was clear what he was thinking: Did Lu Guang always know I was in love with him?

“I promise you, what you’ve told me in this timeline is what you tell me in others.” It was true. Lu Guang couldn’t listen to some of Cheng Xiaoshi’s secret, afraid of worsening the guilt.

Cheng Xiaoshi’s voice cracked. His eyes filled with the ugly tears Lu Guang loved. “Why? Why lie to me? What’s the point of telling me the rules, knowing the timeline was already fucked?”

“Because I’m a hypocrite. I couldn’t live without you.” Lu Guang looked Cheng Xiaoshi in the eyes. “I kept hoping death was a changeable node, but you kept dying. And then you got shot and lived. I would ruin a thousand timelines for you, Cheng Xiaoshi.”

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

“Hey. It’s you,” Cheng Xiaoshi said as Lu Guang walked by the photo studio.

“Who’s this?” Qiao Ling asked, paint bucket in hand.

“I played basketball with him earlier. Wanna help?” Cheng Xiaoshi held out a paintbrush.

     Lu Guang agreed because Lu Guang would follow Cheng Xiaoshi anywhere. He agreed because he would never not agree. Cheng Xiaoshi was the moon and Lu Guang was the tide. Cheng Xiaoshi was the angel Lu Guang would worship. Cheng Xiaoshi was what Lu Guang loved most in the world. So, Lu Guang spent the whole day painting.

“Let me buy you dinner, as a thanks!” Cheng Xiaoshi offered, wiping the sweat off his forehead.

The two sat across the table from one another.  The restaurant was nice… well nice for their budget. It had an overhanging ornate chandelier instead of the cheap battery operated candles.

“This is almost like a first date,” Cheng Xiaoshi joked, elbowing Lu Guang in the ribs.

   If it was a first date, it was a good one. Cheng Xiaoshi laughed so hard at Lu Guang’s dry humor that the tables next to them gave stank eyes. Lu Guang listened intently as Cheng Xiaoshi shared stories from his childhood, the mischief him and Qiao Ling would get into. Lu Guang always asked follow-up questions to Cheng Xiaoshi’s stories, just to get him to talk to longer. It was late by the time they decided to part ways, time flew by so quickly.

“Hey uhm… Would you want to hang out tomorrow?” Cheng Xiaoshi avoided eye contact with Lu Guang.

“Really? You don’t have other plans?” Lu Guang always saw Cheng Xiaoshi as the popular type, always out with friends or partying. It shocked him that he would stoop down to the weird quiet kid’s level.

“I… I don’t really have any close friends besides Qiao Ling. This was nice,” he admitted, kicking his shoe at the gravel beneath them.

“See you tomorrow, Xiaoshi,” Lu Guang waved as he walked away.

They spent everyday together since.

˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡˚

Cheng Xiaoshi clenched his fist, causing his whole hand to turn red. “I want to be mad at you. I want to hate you. But I can’t. I can’t because I would do the same, Lu Guang!”

Lu Guang was about to say something when Cheng Xiaoshi interrupted to continue his thoughts. “After you were stabbed, I… I planned to jump back in time. I felt so lost, so alone without you, Lu. You’re a fucking asshole, you know? Make me feel this much love then lie.”

“I’m sorry. I won’t lie again.”

“If I die now, will you go back in ti-“

“Yes.”

   There was no hesitation, no second thought. Despite all the pain Lu Guang was going through, no view of his changed. He still knew that his selfish nature over Cheng Xiaoshi remained, and would remain forever.

“Guess neither of us can die,” Cheng Xiaoshi laughed.  “I’m sorry too. For ruining your birthday.”

“Make it up to me on my 22nd,” Lu Guang smiled honestly.

“I slept in your bed when you weren’t here. It felt wrong going back to mine,” Cheng Xiaoshi admitted, a hue of red growing on his cheeks.

“We might need to replace the bunk beds with a queen,” Lu Guang suggested, setting his tea down.

“I’d like that.”

Cheng Xiaoshi went up to hug Lu Guang, who was sitting on the sofa. They stayed like that for a while, finding comfort in the other’s arms. It felt like they were making up the warmth of each other lost last night. Truthfully, Lu Guang never wanted to let go. He would superglue himself to Xiaoshi if it meant never leaving his side.

“I’m still mad. But I like you more than how angry I am at you,” Cheng Xiaoshi whispered into Lu Guang’s ear.

Lu Guang leaned back a bit to look at Cheng Xiaoshi, smiling. “Are you sober?”

The pink hue on Xiaoshi’s face grew deeper. “Sober and sure.” He leaned in, tilting his head to the side. This time, Lu Guang didn’t pull back.

   Their kiss was awkward, just like the two of them. Their noses bumped into each other and their was rhythm were completely off. Lu Guang grasped Cheng Xiaoshi’s blouse, pulling him closer, desperately. Opening and closing his mouth frequently, he wanted Cheng Xiaoshi as close to him as possible; as if he was worried letting go would end the moment forever. On the other hand, Cheng Xiaoshi placed his hands on the sides of Lu Guang’s head, delicately holding the boy. He kissed methodically, eyes closed. The two no longer felt the need to breathe, they found their way to live through eachother.

Cheng Xiaoshi broke free to look Lu Guang in the eye. He remained sitting on Lu Guang’s waist with an infectious smile. “I’m a bit less mad.”

Lu Guang repositioned his hands behind Cheng Xiaoshi’s ears, getting rid of the messy hair covering his beautiful face. “You’re an idiot.”

He repositioned Xiaoshi so that the two were next to eachother, rather than uncomfortably half-standing-half-sitting. Lu Guang leaned in to kiss Xiaoshi’s neck, no longer blocked with hair. Cheng Xiaoshi, giggled, talking nonstop like he usually does. “Who taught you this? I know no one would have dated you in high school.”

Lu Guang leaned his head upwards. “Wow. You think you’re a funny guy?”

Cheng Xiaoshi kissed his forehead. “Hilarious, actually.”

  Lu Guang could kiss Cheng Xiaoshi without guilt. He could live without guilt. Never again would he run away from him. Each and every timeline before this was filled with immature mistakes Lu Guang made to avoid all his problems. Now, he had nothing to avoid.

Cheng Xiaoshi had lived through October.

Chapter Text

Lu Guang woke up alone in the top bunk At first, this freaked him out. The universe would love to pull something stupid at this moment. His anxiety dropped when he heard a soft humming from the kitchen, combined with the smell of bacon and eggs. Everything’s okay… everything great. Surprisingly more awake the normal, Lu Guang put on some clothes and joined his best friend… I guess more than that…in the kitchen.

“Good morning! I wanted to make up for my horrible birthday breakfast,” Cheng Xiaoshi shined. The sunlight reflecting out of the window cast a halo around him, reminding the world that Cheng Xiaoshi was the brightness in a world full of dark.

Lu Guang walked over to Xiaoshi, to give him a kiss on his forehead when he suddenly began giggling.

“What? What are you laughing at?” the black haired boy demanded.

“There’s hickeys everywhere,” Lu Guang smiled as he kissed him.

“Lu. Are you serious? I have lunch with Qiao Ling today!”  Xiaoshi ran to the bathroom mirror, then exhausted a loud groan. “Lu Guang, she’s gonna ask so many questions. I’m… I don’t know about you… I’m not ready to talk to her about the thing.”

It ruined the mood for Lu Guang a bit, relighting some of his dimmed anxiety. He knew this conversation needed to happen rather than became an awkwardly avoided topic. “Ok. Then let’s wait.”

“Although, let’s not wait too long.”

Lu Guang had never been this happy before.

The morning was spent bed shopping, a surprisingly tedious task. Cheng Xiaoshi apparently had a very specific taste in beds (despite not having the money to think this way.)

”This one’s somehow too soft,” Xiaoshi said, flopping onto the mattress.

”Okay, goldilocks. What do you want then?”

”Hmm. Something big but not like too big. Comfortable but not like I’m drowning in a mattress, something like..” Lu Guang swore he saw stars appear in Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes. “That one!”

The bed Cheng Xiaoshi saw was admittedly nice. Perfect level of comfort. It was a bit small. (When Lu Guang told Cheng Xiaoshi this, he responded with “Good”, causing an eye roll from the former). 

“The real puzzle is getting it home,” Cheng Xiaoshi gasped as he seemed crushed from the weight of the mattress. 

After lots of walking, breaks, tears, and occasionally screams of pain, the two managed to lull the mattress into the photo studio and set it up. It was a bit sad seeing the bunk beds go but the two could not stand sleeping in a twin bed as 5’10 warriors.

Cheng Xiaoshi flops on the bed. “This is niceeeeee!”

Lu Guang sat down, thinking. “Set us back a few hundred.” 

The black haired boy grabbed Lu Guang’s wrist, dragging him down. “Stop worrying, Guangguang.”

He paused for a movement, entranced for a second. “Stop worrying… babe..?”

Ew.

”Yeah definitely not.” Lu Guang got him to leave, suddenly icked by the love of his life.

”Stop leaving… sweetiepie..”

”That’s even worse.”

”Babygirl?”

”I’m not a girl NOR a baby.”

”Honeybuns.”

”I don’t think I’m a pet names person,” Lu Guang admitted. The nicknames Cheng Xiaoshi gave just grossed him out rather than turn him on. 

“Ok fine. Guangguang it is, or whatever,” Xiaoshi accepted.

”Thanks babe,” Lu Guang said, leaving the bedroom before looking to see the boy’s response.

When he scattered into the kitchen he ran into none other than the one, the only, Qiao Ling. 

“What are you so sweaty and gross,” she asked. Ouch.

”I was carrying furniture all day,” he shrugged, walking past her.

”Ooh. I was stopping by because I was bored. What changed?”

Lu Guang came to the sudden realization he doesn’t know if Qiao Ling is meant to know about a recent change in his lie. (Recent as in yesterday).

”Who is it?” Cheng Xiaoshi called from the bedroom.

”Qiao Ling!”

”Qiao Ling?!”

Lu Guang was confused on why Cheng Xiaoshi seemed that panicked until he remember of the boy’s current physical condition.

Cheng Xiaoshi came out wearing a hoodie, which did a terrible job at hiding the events of the previous night.

”Hi, Qiao Ling, what’s up?” 

“No fucking way,” she spat.

Well that didn’t take long.

She pointed at the two boys. “You- You- When? What?” She said with a hint of betrayal. 

“When what?” Cheng Xiaoshi asked me obliviously.

”Your ‘disguise’ was dogshit. Did you look in the mirror,” Lu Guang rolled his eyes for the millionth time. 

“I had no time!” Xiaoshi wailed.

”Lu Guang, you really left no space untouched?” Qiao Ling said, examining Cheng Xiaoshi.

”Ew, Qiao Ling. Don’t say that.”

”Sorry. Wait, I’m not sorry. No one told me?!?” Her voice changed to full of anger.

”Well it-“

”Well it, what?”

”It kinda was yesterday.”

She took a deep breath. “Yeah okay.”

The rest of the day felt surprisingly normal. The usual trio went on a grocery run, played video games, and laughed over stupid things. It felt nice being normal. Lu Guang had always needed a constant normalcy in his life.

However at the end of the day, he was pooped. All he wanted to do was lay in the bed he and Cheng Xiaoshi shared.

”Can we tell her tomorrow?” Cheng Xiaoshi asked, his black hair covering the pillow.

”Yeah okay. I’ll talk to her tomorrow.” Lu Guang stared at the ceiling, still uneasy. It was an awkward topic that didn’t end too well the last time. 

“We’ll talk to her,” Cheng Xiaoshi corrected. 

It won’t end up messy this time.

Lu Guang has Cheng Xiaoshi. 

Chapter Text

Lu Guang stared at the photo studio, the lack of halloween decor, the unusual emptiness. It was 3am. He couldn’t sleep, how could he? The shakiness of his hand worsened as he lifted it up towards the wall. Delicately, as if handling a flower, Lu Guang ripped away the month on the calendar, starting fresh on the first. Despite all odds, despite the logic from each and every timeline before this, something clicked into a positive future. A present of possibilities.

Cheng Xiaoshi had made it to November.

   Lu Guang was able to dry dishes, his mind blank with peace. He wanted to be productive while he was awake. A light breeze drifted through the windows, rushing in the fall air.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Uh.. Just a second!” Lu Guang called, wiping down the last plate. It was rare they got customers on Sunday. More specially, 3 AM on a Sunday

He creaked open the door. His heart dropping to his stomach was so loud it made a visible noise. Lu Guang’s pupil’s shrunk in fear.

Vein, a dead man, was at his front door.