Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I want you. I don’t need you.

Chapter 1

October 2003

            The deer blind dad and I are sitting in is cold. Not as cold as it will be in a few months but the wind is pretty harsh today. It keeps pushing itself in through the small cracks. Thankfully my feet are warm from my boots; my upper body is warm from my hoodie and Carhart jacket and my head is warm from my bright purple beanie. My rifle is tucked under my right arm and my large hunting knife is strapped to my jeans along with my pistol. Normally dad would only let me use the rifle to hunt with and the knife to dress whatever we caught. The world is different now though. So as much protection I could have dad gave me and taught me how to use it well.

            We heard through the grape vine that the people who went crazy last month were infected with a type of fungus. Thankfully we went up to our cottage in the middle of nowhere Michigan. Not many infected people are here either. The ones that make their way here my dad and I have taken out pretty easily. I had asked dad when we first got here why we didn’t go to the military camps in Detroit; he only said that he felt like something would go wrong in those zones. With so much uncertainty and fear in the country he felt like we would be better off on our own until we knew exactly what was going on.

            Maybe his decision was based off of experience. He was a Marine for a very long time. I know he told me that when I was born he served a little longer but then mom got sick. He ended up retiring and started a gym. I practically grew up in that gym. Rucking, running, lifting, and learning mixed martial arts since I can remember. When mom finally passed when I was ten dad only got more protective of me. This in hindsight ended up being the best thing for me now that the world is falling apart.

            Dad and I went hunting every year. Anytime we were able to honestly. Deer, foul, even bear every once in a while. Now that this was the only way to get our food other than foraging or scavenging the local grocery stores I’m very happy that dad always insisted that I would come with him. At first when I was super young, too young to use any weapons to take down any game, dad would make me wake up before the sun and go hunting with him. At first it made me really sad to see the animals dad would kill and dress. However, over the years and taking down my own game I got used to it. I’m still not the best shot, but, I think that at 19 I’m better than most of those my age.

“Alright pumpkin, you see him?” dad said in a whisper to my right. He peers through the binoculars one more time before handing them to me.

“Yep, he’s a little far out for me I think though. You gonna take him?” I asked my dad turning my head to look at him. His hair is a dark brown just like mine. He has brown eyes that sometimes had golden flakes to them if the sun hit them just right and crow’s feet that have been there for as long as I can remember.

“No, you’ve got to start learning how to shoot that far out. Infected come around better to shoot them that far away then to have them come close to you to shoot them. Plus, game doesn’t always come close to you, there might be a time when we aren’t able to use a blind and we’ll have to be stealthier. Go ahead and line up your shot. You’re gonna wanna aim a little higher then you usually do since he’s farther out.” Propping up the rifle under my armpit and looking through the scope I see the deer looking around as if it knows what’s about to come. “That’s it, breathe in, and when you breathe out squeeze the trigger like you love it.”

“I know dad, not my first rodeo.” I tell him rolling my eyes and letting out an exaggerated sigh. I can hear him chuckle beside me as I look down the scope again and look at my target.

            Slowly I take in a breath and hold it. Slowly I let my breath out through my mouth as I squeeze the trigger. The shot rings out and it hits the deer in the chest and he runs off.

“God damn it!” I yell just above a whisper as I start to stand up and sling my rifle over my shoulder leaving our thermoses of coffee and my pack in the blind as I start to get out with dad following closely behind me.

“It was honestly a good shot Jo. We’ll just have to track him is all.”

“Yeah I know. I just like to make the head shots so they don’t have to run around in pain is all.”

Quickly we make our way out to where I shot the buck. In the leaves we can see the blood trail though it starts out large it eventually turns into small droplets as we continue to track him. Eventually we come across the buck lying down in a pile of rotting leaves. Its eyes stare at me, scared and alone, as I pull out my hunting knife and slam it into its temple. I don’t watch its eyes as it dies really not wanting to see the life drain out of them. When I see as his chest stops moving I remove my knife as dad pulls out a rope and starts to tie it around its back legs.

I make quick work of dressing the buck throwing all of its innards into a bush for whatever other animal might eat it and survive another day. Looking at the sky for a moment, all bright blue with puffy white clouds, I figure it’s probably around one or two in the afternoon. Dad turns the buck over to its back as I tie its front legs with another rope dad pulled out from his pack. I walk with the rope over my shoulder like dad making sure its belly stays up so it doesn’t get any dirt in it.

We approach our cottage after about thirty minutes of walking. My shoulder is killing me from the weight of the rope digging into my shoulder. We drag the buck to the garage which has become more of a butchers shop and a weapons locker. I make my way back to the deer blind and grab our coffee and my pack. The walk back and forth was only about twenty minutes all together. I can hear dad’s music playing from the garage and with how big the deer was I know it’s going to be a while before we could start cooking dinner.

So, as I walk in through our door I put the rifle on a rack beside the door on the opposite side that it opens. Beside it I unlace my military style boots and place them neatly in place of my slippers as I put them on. Made from deer hide and rabbits fur they’re warm and cozy for the colder weather and if I really needed to I could walk short distances outside in them before they get soaked by snow during winter time. Lazily I take off my belt with my knife and pistol on it and place it on the dining room table. I take my knife out of its sheath and take it to the sink in the kitchen.

Methodically I start to scrub off the now dried blood from the blade and hilt. I place it on a kitchen towel after patting it dry so if there is any residual moisture it’ll air dry. I soap up a different rag, ratty from so much use, and start to clean out the sheath. The rag turns a rusty color from the blood that dried in it. Once I’m satisfied that it’s as clean as it’s going to get I leave the sheath on the table and throw the rag in the dirty laundry pile that’s been slowly growing over the last week.

My steps are relatively quiet as I make my way to my room. Walking in I walk over to my small wooden dresser filled with only the necessities; underwear, socks, shirts, and jeans. No more dresses. No more shorts. No more real bras only sports bras. There was no time to bring perfume or make up to the cottage when the world started to implode on its self. No use for jewelry or lotion. The only things we had time to grab were the things we knew we needed to survive.

When dad had stormed into our house a few hours after I had gotten home from work I could tell he was panicked. He firmly told me to grab only the things we needed and that we were leaving as quickly as we could. He gave me no information other than that. I had quickly run into the bathroom and grabbed my toothbrush, toothpaste, hair brush, and soaps. Then I had turned into my room grabbing different sleeve length shirts not knowing where we were going; jeans because they were durable and kept your legs safe from getting cut if we were going to be out in the wilderness, then a couple pairs of sweats and hoodies with my favorite bright purple beanie, a pair of leather gloves, and the essentials for under all of those clothes.

I pulled out the military duffel dad had given me years ago and started to pack everything into it. I found I had a little more room so I ended up grabbing some books so I could keep myself entertained. I walked to my closet filled with dresses, skirts, and heels. Not knowing if I’d ever be able to wear those again made my stomach tighten but ended up pushing them out of the way to grab my belt that held my knife and slipped it on. I grabbed my military boots dad had gotten me from the army store and tied them on. Then grabbing my tennis shoes and stuffing them into my duffel before meeting dad by the front door.

His face was tight with tension. His own duffel slung across his chest, boots on, rifle in his right hand. That’s when I knew that this wasn’t just a test, there was something seriously wrong, especially when he handed me a semi automatic pistol.

“Remember how to check and shoot this?” He had asked me. I nodded and did the safety check. Made sure the safety was on, checked the chamber, and then checked the magazine. “Show me your hold.” I held it out with both hands aimed at the door. Left hand under, right hand over with my thumbs over each other. Shoulders relaxed but firm staring down the sight like he taught me.

 “Good. Keep that at the ready. Shits getting dangerous out there right now Jo. I don’t know exactly what the situation is but you need to keep your eyes open and alert. We’re heading to the cottage. The truck is parked in the driveway but the roads are chaos right now and I don’t know what’s going to happen. If something happens to me you take the truck or any other working vehicle and you go to the cottage. Understand?” As much as what he said made me want to start crying and tell him that I would never leave him behind I knew from the look in his eye that was not an option.

“Yes sir.”

            With a deep breath and a nod of his head he looked me in the eyes. Then with sharp calculated movements he opened up the front door. He had his rifle trained pointed towards the road where people were driving recklessly and running and yelling everywhere. Outstretching my arms my pistol in hand dad and I made our way to the truck. I could see in the tuck bed that he had already filled it with camping supplies and from what I could tell some nonperishables.

            It had been a long two days on the road. What should have been a five hour drive north from Royal Oak turned out to be a few days drive. The roads were filled with military vehicles and over turned cars. There were fires here and there but the farther we got from the larger cities the less there was to look at other then trees.

            It was the most stressed out I had ever been and the tensest I had ever seen my dad. Though, as he finally told me after a day of silence, it wasn’t the worst he’d ever seen. Just a different type of war zone. When we finally made it to our cottage and we could stretch our legs, the air outside was sweet. Outside was still warm and the sun was shining. Normally I would have tried to get a last minute tan to hopefully last for most of winter but that was no longer a thing.

            We unpacked the truck putting the camping gear and extra gas I hadn’t seen before in the garage. There had always been lots of guns at the cottage for hunting but now dad was putting different pistols on his workshop table telling me he was going to put them on the wall in a few days. There were boxes of ammo and a few more knives. Some were for hunting and some were for stealth.

            Once all of that was put away we started taking out the nonperishables and putting them into the cupboards in the kitchen. We ate some crappy canned food before settling in for the night. My room was and still is pretty bare. A small wooden dresser with a mirror that I went ahead and put my clothes into. Our bathroom is pretty small so I went ahead and put my toiletries on top of the dresser too. I hung up the few hoodies I took with me along with my Carhart jacket placing my tennis shoes on the floor of the closet. The few books I brought with me went on the bedside table.

            Then the power had gone out. I had let out a frustrated groan and went to find my dad. He was already making his way to the generator behind the house. Thankfully before we ever left the cottage dad would make sure the generator was full of gas but, I knew eventually we would have to start going out and looking for more. Hopefully no one else had really thought of that too.  

            Mentally shaking those early day memories from my brain I look into the mirror attached to my dresser. My eyes though bright are still tired. Purple half moons under my eyes from stress or lack of sleep I’m not really sure. Though I have my dad’s brown eyes and not my mom’s blue eyes they are much darker than my dad’s. They didn’t have the same lightness that he had nor the golden flecks his have in the sun. Finally pulling off my beanie my dark brown hair looks like a rats nest. Carefully I brush out the knots until my hair becomes smooth once more, making a mental note to put my long hair in a braid or two the next time I wear it.

            Shit, I forgot to see if I could turn on the generator. Fuck. Rolling my eyes and making my way to the front door again I walk back outside to the garage. ACDC is playing loudly and I can hear my dad singing along to it. The buck now has no head. He’s starting to carefully skin the animal hopefully he’ll be able to keep some of the hide for a blanket or something like that. Or if not maybe I’ll make him some slippers out of some scraps.

“Hey old man!” I yell at him to get his attention. I laugh a little at his face as he jerks up clearly caught up in his own thoughts and getting startled.

He huffs a bit and turns down the battery operated boom box. “What’s up kiddo?” he asks as he wipes off his bloodied hands on a rag.

“Was wondering if we had enough gas in the generator for me to get a hot shower before we make dinner tonight.” I knew we were going to have to go out for a gas run here soon but dad is good about conserving everything. Rationing the canned food, gas, even water when it came to things like laundry and washing dishes.

“Yeah, we should have enough for tonight. We need to make it an early morning tomorrow though and make our way into the next town over. Hopefully we can find some gas.” His smile was bright even though I knew that his brain was going a million miles a minute thinking of all the things we needed and all the things that could go wrong, or right.

“Coolio, I’m gonna get it started and then I’m gonna wash up before I start dinner. Then you need a shower. Wheww!” I laughed as I plugged my nose waving the other in front of my face.

“Yeah, yeah.” He laughed despite his disapproving look, “get out of here would ya? I’m a bit busy in here right now to be criticized for how I smell right now.”

“See you in a while.”

            Walking toward the back of the house I started up the generator. The sun had just started to make its way over to the west. In a couple hours the sky would turn into a beautiful collage of pinks and oranges. Making my way back to my bedroom I grab my sweat pants and an over sized t-shirt. After waiting about twenty minutes I make my way to the bathroom and turn on the shower.

            The water starts out cold and slowly turns hot. Once that happens I hop in and immediately start to get clean. Thankfully I still have quite a bit of soaps left though it won’t hurt to grab more when we head into whatever town we’re going to tomorrow. Might as well stock up while we can, if we can. After I feel clean enough I step out and dry off pulling on my pj’s and slippers making my way to the kitchen dropping my dirty clothes into the ever growing pile.

            Dad walks in with a couple pieces of meat in his hands and places them down on the cutting board that’s always out.

“Figured we could have the back strap tonight, I’ll finish the rest tomorrow. It’s all in the chest freezer right now but sense we have the generator on now figured let’s get dinner cooked and I’ll take a shower before I shut it off for the night.”

“Sounds good Pops.”

            As dad leaves the room I start dinner. I season and sear the meat while boiling veggies and some rice. Dinner was simple but overall pretty damn delicious. We still have dinner at the table trying to keep some sort of normalcy I guess. Dad was never one to let us eat in the living room even before everything went to shit. Once we were both done dad cleaned the kitchen and after shut off the generator.

            We both went to our rooms after that knowing that we had to get up early to head to town. I read some of my Shakespeare book Titus Andronicus before bed. Somehow even though the play its self was pretty damn brutal it still seemed less brutal then what I could only imagine was going on in the big cities right now. I know dad has some sort of radio in the garage that he uses and is in contact with some people. He’s told me some things that he’s heard over it, but most of it he seems to keep tight to the vest. That or there still isn’t really much information out there. Which to me is an even scarier, humans are terrifying, the things they could do, could come up with. The world was already and dangerous place before everything, now how much more dangerous would it be if there’s no law to hold people accountable?   

Chapter Text

I want you. I don’t need you.

Chapter 2

May 2005

            The sun is beating down on my back as I do a perimeter check around the cottage. Over the last year or so we’ve had some infected surprise us lurking around the cottage. So dad and I have been taking turns doing perimeter checks, once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and once before the sun goes down. Right now it’s about mid day and everything seems to be pretty quiet.

            Behind me I can hear a rustling in the bushes. Quickly I turn around pointing my rifle towards the noise. Then all of a sudden a black dog appears out of nowhere. I let out a huff and smile lowering my rifle.

“Hey there Lucifer.” I greet the black German Sheppard as he prances towards me with his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth. When he finally reaches me I give him a scratch behind the ears telling him he’s a good boy. “You scared the piss outta me buddy!” I laugh to myself as he looks up at me all dopey like.

            Well if dad let him out that means he’s back from hunting and back at the cottage. I finish my lap around our home and make my way back. I can hear him in the garage listening to Lennerd Skynerd’s Simple Man. I knock on the door before I enter so he knows it’s me. After the one time about a year and a half ago I scared the shit out of him and he almost shot me out of instinct I’ve always knocked since and I haven’t almost gotten my head blown off.

“Hey old man, there’s nothing to report. Everything was quiet out there today. I’m gonna take a nap and then I’ll do the night rounds too. That way you can cook tonight.” As I talked to him I was picking dirt out from under my nails and leaning up against a bookshelf that held ammo and different knives and whatnot.

“Actually, I need you to check the garden and harvest whatever needs to be harvested. I got a few rabbits today which I’m happy about but you know I have no idea how to cook these well.” He laughed at himself as he skinned one of the rabbits on the work bench. “So if you don’t mind kiddo could you cook dinner tonight and I’ll take the night patrol before dinner?”

“God yes,” laughing under my breath looking at my dad; his hair is greyer now, almost white, with even more wrinkles on his face. “If I ever have to eat rabbit that you cooked again I’d rather get bitten by infected. That was the worst meal of my life.”

“Again, why I’m asking you to make it.” He laughed again. Not like he used to before outbreak but enough for me to remember how he used to. Open and full, like he never had anything that weighed him down. Not the tours he had to go on, the friends he lost during them, not the loss of my mother. No, he doesn’t smile as brightly as he used to nor does he laugh the same, but every once in a while, I can see the ghost of what that used to look like.

            By the time he came inside with the couple of rabbits he caught today I had already cleaned up for the night and sat in the soft blue chair with a book and my feet propped up on the ottoman. Lucifer was most likely lying on my bed sleeping. He went ahead and at least butchered them for me so now I had pieces of rabbit instead of whole rabbits. Not something he did often with small game but it was always nice when I didn’t have to put in extra effort.

“Alright kiddo, work your culinary magic! I’ll be back soon. More than likely by the time you’re ready to plate up I’ll be back.”

“Alright Pops.” Then off he went.

            As I started to sear the meat for the stew I was preparing I hear nails against the hard wood floor. I look over my shoulder and see Lucifer looking at me with big eyes every so often nodding towards his food bowl. With a smile I put down some of the rabbit in his bowl and watch him for a minute while he eats his dinner.

            About six months ago when dad and I were a few towns over looking for medical supplies I found Lucifer huddled under some debris. He was still pretty tiny then most likely from being separated from his mom too early and not being able to hunt for food himself. It had taken a lot of convincing but I finally won the argument against my dad in order to keep him. He’s been glued to my side ever since. He took to my commands pretty easily. Dad and I taught him a few guard dog techniques that way if anything were to happen around here and one of us needed the extra help Lucifer could be that for us.

            Around forty five minutes later I hear the front door open and shut and the sound of socked feet pounding on the floor towards the dining room table. I can hear him taking off his tactical gear and put it on the table before I hear him checking his guns. When he’s done I hear him walk over and hang it up by the door and lock it.

“How long till food kiddo?”

“Eh…. Maybe….. Thirty more minutes? The rabbit is pretty tough.” I yell back at him over my shoulder as I continue to stir the stew.

“Alright, gonna clean up then.”

“Hey! Anything to report?”

“One dolphin. Went and looked around for more but seems he was by himself.”

            There was no need to respond. Clearly he had taken care of what he needed to and there was no other threat. I hear the bathroom door click shut a moment later and the water turn on. Reaching up into the cupboard above the stove I grab some of the whiskey we scavenged a while ago from up there. I pour myself two fingers and quickly down it before pouring myself another one and pouring dad one as well.

            As always I place down the bowls of stew and our drinks on the dining room table. Even after the last couple years we still eat every meal here. Except lunch, for some reason lunch was totally ok eaten standing in the kitchen. Don’t ask me why but that’s how it’s always been. We eat in relative silence, the generator is off for the night and the only thing lighting the cottage are well placed candles.

            Though I love my dad and I’m beyond grateful that he’s kept us alive and safe I miss talking to other people. Doing things that weren’t just surviving, reading, eating, and sleeping. From what I’ve heard however, was that the QZ’s were now taken over by FEDRA.  That the US government crumbled pretty early on after outbreak and FEDRA was known to not be very kind to its residents. So, I’m grateful that we didn’t end up in the Detroit QZ. We’ve heard some pretty wild stories from there. Still, having someone else to talk to, to hear different peoples stories or accounts of their days would be a nice change.

July 2008

            “Dad, it’s not safe here anymore. Not only are we seeing more and more infected but we’re starting to see more groups of people making their way through here. Most of them aren’t good people. I’ve seen some that are dragging others by their hands with ropes or chains. I’ve seen some people in some of the bigger towns trying to trick people into stopping and then killing them just to strip them of whatever supplies they have on ‘em. We’ve gotta start packing up and looking for somewhere to go.” I tell this to my dad after getting back from a run a couple towns over.

            Over the years I have been taking day trips to several towns just to try and get any kind of supplies we couldn’t grow or hunt for. The Detroit QZ went down a few months ago. FEDRA tried to bomb the city to get rid of infected. It really made everything worse. Those that were able to flee the QZ started heading north which meant they were slowly migrating towards us. Didn’t matter how many weapons we have to protect ourselves with. We have a generator, a solid home, a garden with more vegetables then we knew what to do with. We basically have a target on our backs.

“Yeah I know kiddo, let’s start packing today and we’ll try to get outta here in a few days. We’ll have to get some more gas for the truck before we go.”

            Nodding at him I go ahead and start to pack my duffel. Over the years I was able to acquire more clothes so I was able to pack what was needed for a quick get-away and still have a few outfits to wear over the next few days before we split. Lucifer sat in the middle of my bedroom just watching me go back and forth. In my duffel I pack all my essentials just like I did on outbreak day. Making sure I had my Carhart jacket, purple beanie, and leather gloves sense we’ll probably stay in an environment that has cold winters. Keeps infected slow during those times.

            I go ahead and put my books and toiletries in my duffel too that way it’s just ready to go just in case we end up having to leave earlier than expected. Once I’m done with that I whistle to Lucifer to follow me as I make my way to the garage. There I see dad already packing up the bed of the truck.

“Hey, I’ll finish this up go ahead and pack up your duffle.” I tell my dad as I walk in and take the box of canned goods from him and put it in the bed. He already has a couple of full gas cans towards the tailgate and our camping gear on the opposite side for easy access.

“Alright can do kiddo, figured try and put the food by the camping gear, keep some extra room next to the other gas cans for two more. Everything else we’ll be able to climb over stuff to get to it. We’ll keep a few guns on our person and then let’s go ahead and put some extras with ammo in the back of the bed.”

“Understood.” I told him with a nod of my head as I started rearranging some things making it a little more organized. I hear him leave the garage to go pack his bag and Lucifer panting from the heat.

            Later on in the night after dinner I didn’t even bother putting on my PJ’s. Just put on some clean jeans and a tank top. Even kept my boots on just in case; Lucifer slept at the foot of my bed and I can see the candle light still burning down the hall from the living room. Dad’s gotta be on edge because we usually don’t keep watch at night. Slowly I fall into a very light sleep. Waking up once an hour, like clockwork.

            When the sun started to poke through my curtains I was already awake staring up at my ceiling. The anxiety coursing through my veins was making me feel like I was vibrating. Like the only thing that would help would be to crawl out of my own skin. I hadn’t felt like this in a really long time. Being alone with dad at the cottage has given me a false sense of security for sure.

            When I get up I make myself some coffee and some canned fruit feeding Lucifer some left-over meat from the night before. Dad is nowhere to be found but I can hear some music coming from the garage again. Lucifer is close to my side as I make my way to him. I knock on the door and hear a grumble in return. When I walk in I see that dad is already putting freshly filled gas cans into the truck bed. He already put the cap over the bed and it looked like we were ready to head out any moment now.

“Hey, busy morning huh?” I asked him folding my arms leaning against the work bench. My face I’m sure doesn’t look very pleased and I’m not. It was dumb for him to go out and get gas and whatever other supplies he got on his own.

“Couldn’t sleep, went ahead and got what we needed before the sun came out. Already did a perimeter check, the town I went to was already crawling with people starting to scavenge. Best we go ahead and leave today. Finish up packing what you need and we’ll head out.”

            Dad barely spared me a glance. I could tell that whatever he saw or heard was worse then what he was willing to tell me. His shoulders were up around his ears, his movements usually fluid were sharp and tight, eyes keeping to the task at hand not even sparing me a glance. I nodded to him and turned back inside.

I made sure to grab the whiskey and coffee from the kitchen knowing that it was hard to come by these days. I put on my belt with my hunting knife already in it. Then my thigh holster for my pistol putting a couple of extra mags into the pockets I had sewn into my belt with deer hides. Walking into my bedroom for the last time I look in the mirror. My brown hair was still dark and slightly waved; my eyes were still a dark brown but sharper and older than they used to be. With a sigh I put my hair up into a messy bun to keep it off of my neck and out of my face. I put the coffee and whiskey into my duffel, put it over my shoulder, and walked out the door for the last time.

            Lucifer stayed hot on my heels the whole time he followed me to the truck. I opened the back seat door for him and he immediately laid down on the back seats and I put my duffel on the flood. Closing that door and hoping up into the passenger seat I buckled up and waited for dad to get in and get us on the road.

“Brought some CD’s and cassettes so we don’t have listen to silence the whole drive.” Dad said as he handed me my rifle and started the truck up with a loud rumble.

“Where are we headed to?” I asked him placing the rifle muzzle towards the ground as he started to pull out of our drive way and down the dirt path on the way to the paved streets that eventually would lead to the highways.

“Boston. I heard the QZ there isn’t the absolute worst. We’ll at least have some protection from others there. Don’t think it’s safe for us to be out in the open anymore kiddo.” His eyes stayed on the road only glancing at me once when he was done explaining himself.

 “Alright, let’s do it then Pop’s.”

Chapter Text

I want you. I don’t need you.

Chapter 3

July 2008

            Dad and I had only been traveling for a few days now. The roads are worse then what I remembered them being when we first traveled up to the cottage all those years ago. Finally we passed through Detroit on our way to Ohio and all I could really see were the glowing patches of embers. I knew that they had bombed the QZ but I had no idea that the heat and flames would last this long.

            When we hit I-80 a day or so later traveling through Ohio was when we spotted them. There was a women, she held her belly trying to flag us down as if she was pregnant. I could tell she was one of those people that would kill anyone in order to gain any kind of supply. Whether that was something they needed or something they could trade.

“Keep going dad. She’s like the one’s I saw near the cottage.” I told him, eyes narrowing at the women on the street in front of us. I gripped the rifle to my right tighter then I even realized I was.

“She looks like she could use the help pumpkin.” Dad told me glancing at me for a moment before looking back at the women who was acting like she was actually pregnant.

“I’m telling you right now she’s fine. She wants us to pull over and then the people she’s with are going to attack us. Trust me Pops, nothing good will come from pulling over for her.” I told him staring at the side of his face. I know he’s struggling with it because he’s a good person but she put me on edge and I couldn’t even hear her yelling outside of the car.

            Of course my dad with his bleeding heart pulls over. My anxiety starts to travel through my body and my teeth start to painfully clench together. I could already feel the headache starting just from dad pulling over to ‘help’ this women out.

“Stay here kiddo, I’m gonna see what she needs okay?” I roll my eyes. I know this is a trick. So, while dad hops out of the truck and heads towards the woman I check my pistol, I check my rifle, and I brush my hand over the extra mags and the hunting knife attached to my hip. Then I pop open my truck door just enough that if I have to get out undetected I can do that without making too much sound.

            At first I don’t see anything totally wrong with the interaction between my dad and this woman. They just seem to be talking, pointing at different things around the road. It looks to me like they’re talking about directions to each other. Then the women pulls out a map pulling my dad’s attention to it; then from behind an old dilapidated house I see a man with dark brown hair pulled into a low bun walk out with a pistol raised towards my dad’s head.

            I watch him before I even make a move. Then from the other side from behind a tree I see another man. Slightly older than the other one, some grey to his brown hair, clearly larger than the other man. Though it seems like his size was due to muscle, not much else, both men wore t-shirts and jeans with what looked to be work boots. The woman was wearing basically the same thing with a flannel to more than likely cover up the fake bump on her stomach.

            I waited for the men to close in on my dad. I continued to watch the edges of this pow wow. When I was positive there were no other people who were going to come out I started my quiet walk towards my dad. At this point dad had all three members of this group facing him with their backs to the truck. I saw him glance at me before he quickly shifted his eyes back to the people in front of him.

            The women stopped gripping her stomach and what looked like a blanket or two fell out from underneath her shirt. I fucking knew it! Slowly I made my way out of the truck. I motioned to Lucifer to follow. The trio now all had weapons pointed at my dad. His hands were raised and he was talking calmly to them trying to get them to relax.

            Lucifer climbed over the front seats and met me on the pavement. Slowly the both of us made our way to dad and behind these three strangers. Dad was being good at not looking at us so we could continue to have the upper hand. The older man who had a rifle was to my left. The woman was in the middle with a knife, and the younger man was to her right with a pistol in his hands. I gave Lucifer a hand signal to head to the right while I walked behind the man on the left.

Then with a sharp whistle escaping my lips Lucifer jumped on top of the younger man. I could hear Lucifer growling at the man through his teeth that were currently digging into the man’s arm. I quickly pushed my foot to the back of the knees of the older man and drew one of his arms around his back while I held my gun to his temple. The woman who was between them looked shocked only from her eyes and the way she gripped her knife tighter. The rest of her body looked calm and collected, then dad pulled out his weapon and aimed it at her, now she didn’t look comfortable at all.

“Ain’t our first rodeo cowboys.” I tell the group while the man under my grip tried to wiggle himself out of my grip to which I responded by cocking my gun stilling him immediately.  

“She’s not wrong kids. Now why don’t you tell us what you’re really looking for and where you’re headed. No lying now. I think we’re past that at this point.” Dad says as he walks up to the woman and presses the mussel of his pistol to the women’s head.

“Please sir, we really are just trying to make it to Boston. That ain’t no lie. I promise. We just have had to survive these last few years in a fashion that we don’t really like.” Said the younger man of the group; dad and I glance at each other agreeing that he was probably telling the truth but they also just tried to kill us.

“Were you going to kill us?” I asked to all three of them. A chores of no’s rang out but one yes rumbled out from the chest of the man that I held at gun point. “Well, at least one of you is honest.” I give a light chuckle before continuing. “Well, it just so happens that we’re also going to Boston. We have supplies and a truck to get there or at least as far as the damn thing will take us. If you promise to be on your best behavior we’ll consider taking you with us. Or, at least not killing you right here, right now.” I told the trio my dad giving me a nod of approval. I knew there was strength in numbers but I also knew that being straight forward in this world wasn’t something to come by easily. So, if at least one of them was honest about their intentions then maybe we could actually trust them.

“If you don’t mind, I’ll put down my gun, but could you please get your dog off of my arm? It really hurts.” The younger man grunted looking between me and my dad. I made a long whistle and Lucifer opened his mouth and backed up a few paces but did not ease his gaze off of the man.

“Names, please.” Said dad.

“I’m Joel,” said the man under my grip, “that there is my brother Tommy, that there is Tess. We met a few months ago. My brother and I are from Texas, Tess is from Detroit.” He didn’t move an inch but I could tell that giving out this kind of information was hard on him. He clearly was a man that didn’t take orders well.

            Dad and I looked at each other. A silent conversation of ‘should we trust them?’ ‘are they telling the truth?’ running between us. Then dad nods his head at me and I push the man I’ve been holding hostage with my foot against his back pushing him towards the ground but letting him up none the less. He glares at me and I just give him a smirk in return.

“Do you all want to travel with us or do you want to travel on your own?” Dad asks them. I would have left them for dead but dad has a soft spot so I just go with it never letting my pistol waver.

“If you don’t mind sir, we would love to travel with ya’ll. We’ve been traveling by foot for a long, long time. We’ll be happy to help gather food and water and whatever else you both need. I mean especially sense we’re all going to the same place I don’t see why we can’t all get along and watch each other’s backs.”

            The younger man made a good point. The women, Tess, looked at him then, the older man. Joel. He looked back at her with a hard stare. It was hard to tell which one of them was in charge but clearly it was one of them. Or at least they both made the decisions for the group together. Silently he gave her a nod. Tess then told my dad that if it was agreeable to us they would like to travel with us.

“Lay down your weapons. We’ll put them in the bed of the truck for now until we know you won’t use them against us.”

            That’s when Joel started to stand up and I put my gun back to the back of his head. He turned to grip my wrist in order to grab my gun. However, I reached down and pulled one of his legs out from under him and watched as he fell back down onto the ground with a loud grunt as the wind got knocked out of him. I then placed my right booted foot on top of his chest and pointed my gun at his face.

“You usually fuck up a good situation for your group?” I asked him cocking one of my eyebrows.

“No…. just thought it was too good to be true….” He wheezed answering my question through tightly closed eyes.

“Well, one more idiotic move from you and you all die, up to you sweetie.” A toothy smile plastered on my face as I looked down on him.

“Come on Joel, don’t fuck this up. We can actually get there before the weather gets shitty now.” Tess told him.

“Yeah, yeah...” Joel said pushing my foot off of his chest and slowly getting up and dusting himself off as he glared at me. I continued to give him a wide smile while lowering my weapon just enough so the new group wouldn’t feel so threatened.

            Slowly everyone put their weapons down. Stepping in front of the trio I kicked their guns and knives towards dad and he swiftly picked them up. The trio stood up with their hands held up as I made the same short whistle from earlier for Lucifer to follow me. As we approached the truck I opened the back seat door.

“The three of you can sit back here for now. Luci and I will keep an eye on you for a while till we feel you’re trustworthy.” I told them as they climbed in.

            Once everyone was cozy I closed their door and had Lucifer sit in the front middle seat and I sat in the passenger. Dad followed close behind, closed the door behind him and started the car. Music floated through the truck and I tapped the back of the middle front seat for Luci . He immediately turned and kept an eye on the three new comers in the back.

“You know you don’t need to have your dog watch us.” Said Joel.

“Right, and I also don’t need to be killed by people I don’t know either, yet, here we are.” I told him staring out the windshield. I put my feet up on the dash as Ratt plays from the stereo.

            After a few hours had gone by Tommy and I had some brief but pleasant conversations. Dad and I learned that Tess had left the Detroit QZ a little bit before they decided to bomb it and Joel; well, Joel was quiet. Not that I blamed him. I would be quiet in his shoes too. If someone had a gun pointed to my head and then changed their minds, kind of, and let me travel with them I would feel a little trepidation too.

“Joel, tell me something about you!” My dad said in an enthusiastic manner. I know he’s only trying to make him feel more comfortable but even Luci wasn’t feeling comfortable yet.

“Nothing to tell that I haven’t already told you, or what my brother hasn’t already told you.” Joel said in a flippant tone staring out of his window.

“Well, there’s gotta be something!” Dad said trying to get anything out of the man as Luci and I stared him down, “How about you tell us how old you are!”

“I’m 33, 34 in September.”

“Ah! Well Jo will be 24 in December! Personally I lost count of how old I was after I had this one.” Dad laughed as he stuck his thumb out towards me as he weaved between turned over cars on the interstate. “I think that’s enough driving for today. Why don’t we all go ahead and make camp and get some food in us hmm?”

            Dad was always good at making friends. I’m sure I used to be but after all these years of making sure him and I stayed safe I really didn’t want to hangout and make friends with these people. But, as they say, dad knows best; or at least that’s what dad always says.

            As we pull into a clearing in the woods we come to a rolling stop. I immediately hop out pistol still in my hands. Lucifer comes out with me and watches the new comers. They slowly trickle out and stretch their limbs. The only one that isn’t sizing me up is the younger brother, Tommy. Joel and Tess seem like they’ve seen some shit and don’t trust easily. Good, neither do I.

“I’ll start finding some firewood.” Tommy says as he stretches his arms over his head and starts making his way into the trees.

“If you find a stream would you mind filling these up too?” Dad asked him as he handed Tommy some old water bottles.

“You got it!” Tommy said with a wide smile. Clearly something he still didn’t lose in the horror that has come upon us all.

            Dad started to get the camping gear out. Pots, pans, tent, sleeping bags, all the things necessary for comfortable living out in the bum fuck nowhere. I help dad get the tent up and as Tommy came back he started a small fire. Nothing to draw attention but enough to heat food and the water he got.

“I’ll take watch tonight.” I call out to the group as I grab my rifle and head to the back of the truck to grab some food to be warmed up.

“Kiddo, you should sleep.” Dad said not necessarily loud but loud enough that the whole group looked at me.  

“I’m good. I’ll sleep in the truck tomorrow. You’re the one that’s been driving this whole time without rest, you should sleep. I got this.” I jumped up onto the tail gate and tossed Tess a couple cans of chili to be warmed up and placed my rifle on my lap. The hell I would let these new comers watch over dad and I while we slept. No fucking way, they’ll kill us before we could even register what happened.

“I don’t know how I feel about that pumpkin. Someone else should at least be with you while you take first watch. Let’s at least do that yeah?” Dad looked at me with eyes that could make me cave but I refused to.

“I’ll stay up with her.” My head snapped to the sound. It was Joel.

            Methodically he walked over to the other side of the tail gate and leaned up against it. He told us how he doesn’t get much sleep anyway and it was no skin off of his back. Tess handed me and Joel some of the chilli. I paid him no mind as I ate and saw everyone else settling in for the night.

            I kept glancing at him. I didn’t trust him or his group. I did however find him nice to look at. Dark brown eyes, almost black, brown curly hair with a little bit of silver peaking out here and there. Broad shoulders that clearly could carry some weight; a face that was tight with uncertainty and something else I couldn’t quite pin point. He hunched over his food as he ate, quickly mind you, and I watched him as I ate mine slowly. I watched his every move, seems like he was doing that too, just more subtly then me. Though I was never one to do anything covertly, I was and always will be someone that does everything out in the open.

Chapter Text

I want you. I don’t need you.

Chapter 4

            As night started to take over I went ahead and slung my rifle over my shoulder about to do a perimeter check. I looked at Joel who was leaning against the tail gate staring into the embers of the now dying fire. With the light glow still spilling out from the shallow hole we dug; his face seemed to soften. He didn’t seem as harsh in this kind of light.

“Here.” I made a rash decision and gave him my pistol. “You know how to use this?” I asked him as he stared down at my hand.

“Yeah, just didn’t think you would trust me, or any of us, really, with a weapon this soon.” Joel slowly gripped the gun before checking the magazine and chamber, putting it in his waist band at the small of his back. His eyes found mine and held them. He was the only one out of the group who was a hundred percent honest with me and I could respect that. I could trust that, maybe.

“I don’t, but….” I looked around seeing how everyone else was sleeping. Not faking it, everyone was legitimately asleep. “You seem honest, and someone has to stay here as I make a perimeter check so… yeah...” I shrugged my shoulder as I started to turn around and walk out into the woods.

“Hey!” Joel called out starting to jog up to me, “I’ll do the perimeter, you stay here, safer that way.” Joel wasn’t even looking at me just staring off into to the woods.

“Yeah… Not gonna happen cowboy. ‘Preciate it though.” I said giving his chest a few taps from my hand. I did note how firm he was under my hand. The t-shirt he was sporting wasn’t leaving a whole lot to the imagination.

             I gave a quick whistle to Lucifer and headed out to make my rounds. During that time I couldn’t help but watch as Joel kept a close eye on me and Luci. He seemed like he didn’t know what to do with himself. Luci stayed close to my side; being so far removed from higher populations really did keep infected away.

            As we started to head back I took a moment to look around breathing in the fresh air. After a moment I walked back into camp. That’s when I noticed him, still standing at the tail gate his eyes already on me like they had never really left me after I walked into the woods. I can’t for the life of me figure out why he’s looking at me so intensely. Was he trying to figure out if I was trust worthy? Maybe he thought maybe I was bit?   

“I ain’t bit.” I said softly while waving my hand above my head. “Really, nothing was out there, you don’t have to worry.” As if to reiterate my point, Luci went straight to my dad and I’s tent to go to bed.

“Go ahead, get some shut eye.” As Joel told me this he looked away from me and looked at where Luci had disappeared into the tent.

I huffed a laugh at him. “Yeah, then you’ll rob us blind and leave us to die.” I crossed my arms and leaned more of my body against the bed of the truck looking at Joel.

“Won’t let that happen.”

Rolling my eyes at him, “like you haven’t done that to anyone else before.”

“You’re right, I have, won’t do that to you though.”

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

“Well ma’am. Ya’ll have been kind, and, if we do see each other in Boston, well, I reckon you’ll shoot my ass if we rob ya and leave ya.” Finally he looked at me, the faintest of a smirk on his lips. Before I could stop myself a laugh bubbled out of me. Probably the biggest laugh I had let out since Luci was a pup tripping over his own paws or chasing his tail.

“Well, you ain’t wrong buck-o.” The laughter wouldn’t stop. The image of me, shooting him with a pellet gun in the ass ran through my mind.

            When I finally did look at him his eyes bore right through my own. I could see thoughts passing through them, like he couldn’t keep any of them straight. Before my mind could even catch up to the muscles in my face I could feel my smile growing. My eyes were starting to crinkle and the dimples in my cheeks I’m sure were on full display now. I like the way he looks at me. I like the way he makes me smile, totally unguarded. Even if that was dangerous in this world now.

“You always look at a girl like that?” Cocking my head to the side still staring at him.

“No.”

            I hummed in response. My smile instantly dropping, embarrassed that I had asked him that question out loud, and now I feel foolish for smiling so big and laughing so easily. I leaned up next to him at the bed of the truck where he was and looked at the ground. There was a very interesting rock there.

“So, how does Tess fit into the group if it was just you and your brother?”

“She’s my partner. So is my brother.” I nodded in response as he continued. “There were more of us at one point but they either left the group or died nothing special about it.”

            I look at him then. His eyes seemed to have never left my face. His eyes were hard. Like there was a lot of anger behind them. Maybe not necessarily towards me but it was there. I definitely felt some sort of attraction towards him, no use trying to tell myself I didn’t. Especially with his arms crossed and I could see the muscles in his arms flex either out of stress or something else. He stood relaxed otherwise waiting for some kind of response from me.

“Well, they’re both lucky to have a partner like you.” I gave him a small closed lipped smile and stared back at the group.

            He grunted a response back at me. I figure this is probably going to be the most conversation I was going to get out of him tonight so I turn my eye line back towards the rock on the ground. I toe it a bit with my right foot before looking up at the stars. Crossing my arms as the wind starts to pick up a bit. It wasn’t a cold night but being a little sun burnt made the air feel a bit frigid.

            Out of the corner of my eye I see Joel reach into the bed of the truck into what I’m guessing is his pack. I hear some zippers opening and closing before I hear a quiet, “here” and a flannel is draped over my shoulders. I snap my head towards him and he’s already looking at the shinny thing in his hand. He unscrews it and takes a swig from it. That’s when I register it’s a flask. Without a word he hands it to me and I take it from him.

            The whiskey flows down my throat like a prayer. I hand it back to him and he takes it without a word. After the last few stressful days and meeting these guys my nerves are fried and having even a small sip makes my muscles relax. I can feel it start to make its way through my stomach warming me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

“Thank you, for the whiskey and the flannel.” I look at him. He’s still looking off into the tree line as he nods his head in response.

            I bite the inside of my cheek feeling a little awkward now. I go back to looking at the stars before my neck starts to get stiff. I push myself off of the truck and crack my back and my neck the sounds ringing out into the night.

“Could wake up some clickers with all that racket.” I turned to look at Joel who had a slight smirk on his face. He still wasn’t looking at me, now looking at the sky like I had been earlier.

I give a small laugh in response, “You know what my dad and I call ‘em?”

“Other than clickers?” He looks at me now and looks so confused it’s cute.

“Dolphins.” I start to laugh louder as I start to do my best impression of a dolphin making clicking noises. “Get it! ‘Cause they make clicking noises to communicate…. Like the clickers….” My laughter slowly dies down but my smile doesn’t falter. I had been dying to tell someone that for such a long time now. The first time dad heard it he thought it was funny, then the second time it was cute, then the third time he told me he’d call them that for the joke but to stop making the damn joke at all.

“Right… You’re something else aren’t you?” Joel asked, not one sign of amusement on his face.

“I like to think so. Come on, it’s a little funny.” I tell him walking up to him getting kind of close to his face my right hand near his eyes making a small motion with my finger and thumb squinting at him through the small space between my fingers.

“Not even a little bit.”

“You’re no fun.” I huff as I back away from him.

JOEL’S POV

“Not here for fun.” I look back at her.

Her back is facing towards me as she looks over everyone still sleeping. The flannel I gave her is grey and black and hangs low on her. The end of the shirt goes down to the middle of her thighs and the sleeves are much too long on her. She looks down at her hands and starts to slowly roll the sleeves up so her hands are no longer covered and then wraps herself in it.

I can see how she inhales the smell of it. Most likely smelling of sweat and gun powder. As she exhales I can see her shoulders drop like she’s been tense all night. Which, I guess she probably was with her dad stopping for Tess, having us surrounding her dad with guns, and then them suggesting we tag along. It must have been a really long few days for her.

Still watching I notice that she crouches down by the barely there fire and holds her hands out to it. It’s a nice night out, albeit a little chilly with the wind picking up. I still don’t know why I gave her my shirt. I have to say though she looks good wearing it. No, that’s not what we’re here for. We’re here to get to Boston in one piece. If her and her dad don’t make it that’s not on us, I’m just here to make sure Tommy and Tess make it there safely. That’s my job.

I look back up towards the sky. It’s a clear night out and you can see the stars shine like they were just polished. Still, I can’t help my eyes from going back and looking at her. Jo was standing up now starting to pace back and forth slowly looking at the tree line. I can tell she’s starting to get bored. She glances at her watch and she huffs loudly, sounding more like a mixture of a grunt, a sigh, and an angry moan.  

“Alright, well, if you wanna get some sleep now’s the time to do it. I’m gonna wake up my dad so I can grab a couple hours before we head out. We’ve got probably three hours to sunrise give or take.”

            I nod to her in response not really feeling like there was much say. She starts to walk towards the tent before she pauses and makes a dramatic turn towards me. I raise my eyebrows in response because I honestly don’t know why the hell she’s turning back towards me, or why she had to do it with such flair.

“Sorry!” A breath of a laugh escapes her pink lips, a little more red right now then they probably would be normally. I noticed the sun burn she must have gotten before she got on the road a few days ago. “I almost forgot to give this back to you.” She smiles warmly at me like I wasn’t just a dangerous stranger just a few hours ago and starts to shed my shirt off of her shoulders.

“Don’t worry about it.” I wave her off. “I don’t wear that one anymore anyway. Just keep it.” Now why the hell did I just tell her to keep it?

“Oh? Really? Are you sure?” She pauses, the shirt hanging off of her shoulders that were basically bare other than the straps of her tank top.

“Yeah, don’t fit right anymore.” God damn that smile.

“Well thanks Joel, I appreciate it. It’s really comfy. Well, I’ll see you in a few hours.”

            Finally she turns back around and heads into the tent. I can hear some muffled voices coming from in there and some shadows of bodies moving around from the small glow of the embers. I roll my eyes at myself. I actually ware that shirt all the time but for some reason my mind decided it was hers now.

“Giving away clothes now are we?” Tess says as she slowly rises from her sleeping bag not too far from where Jo and I were keeping an eye on things.

“She was cold.” I didn’t want to look at her. I don’t feel like dealing with this conversation. It was just a nice thing I did for the women. Not a huge deal.

“Right…” She gives me a skeptical look as she walks up to me. She knocks her boots on the inside of my feet asking me to open my legs up so she can stand between them. As she does she grabs the front of my shirt and looks me dead in the eyes. “Remember, I’m not asking for anything you can’t give. The only thing I ask for is loyalty. And I don’t share. Remember?”

            Yeah I remember. After the first night we had sex she made it very clear she didn’t want to catch any diseases for anyone else. I agreed, because honestly I don’t want any either. Later on she had told me that she was starting to develop feelings for me. I told her that I couldn’t give her that, it was a partnership only, sex was a bonus, companionship was a bonus, if she couldn’t handle that then we were done. She didn’t want to stop, said she’d put those feelings aside. Doesn’t seem like that now.

“Yeah, and you said you’d put your feelings away too. I ain’t got feelings for someone I just met Tess. Won’t ever have feelings more than friendship for anyone. So, if you’re gonna be up now I’m gonna go close my eyes for a bit. Wake me up when we start getting a move on.” I was just going to stay up for the rest of the night but with the way Tess is acting is putting me in a bad mood. I’d rather just close my eyes for a while and try and get some peace and quiet.

            I guided Tess away from me just as soon as Mark stepped out of the tent with Jo’s rifle, or maybe his own, slung over his shoulder. He also had a holster on his leg with a pistol in it like Jo did. I also assume under his shirt was also a knife. He and I gave each other nods of acknowledgment before I went to Tess’s sleeping bag. Before I went to fully lay down I remembered Jo’s pistol at the small of my back. Grabbing it I put it under the sleeping bag with me not wanting Tess or Tommy to see Jo gave it to me. Taking a deep breath and closing my eyes I try to relax as much as I can but behind my closed eyes all I can see are red lips and dark brown eyes with a ring of gold around the pupil, and now I’m feeling restless.

Chapter Text

I want you. I don’t need you.

Chapter 5

Joel’s POV

“Hey, Joel, we’re all starting to pack up.” Tommy nudges my shoulder and I slowly come to. At least I got some sleep.

          I nod my head to Tommy and slowly start to sit up. The ground even with the padding of the sleeping bag is still killer on my back and shoulders. Trying to work the kinks out of my neck and shoulders and look down to see the handle of the pistol Jo gave me last night. Quickly I put it back to where I had it last night and stand up. I roll up the sleeping bag my back facing away from everyone just in case my shirt rides up and shows the gun.

          As I look around I can see that Mike and Jo’s tent is already packed in the bed of the truck and they’re ready to go. They both hold a camping mug with a thermos between them on the hood of the truck. They seem to be looking at the map looking for the best routes to Boston. Jo’s eyebrows are knitted together and her nose is crinkled as she talks lowly to her dad. The flannel I gave her last night wrapped around her hips, the sleeves in a tight knot. Her tank top from last night is gone and is replaced with a t-shirt that’s a bit too big for her and clearly had been cut at the waist. Every time she raises her hand to take a sip of whatever is in her cup or to brush hair out of her face it lifts and shows more skin.

          Tommy and Tess are at the bed of the truck most likely waiting for me to put away the sleeping bag and talk to them about our next move. I make my way over to them and I see Tommy giving me a look with a smirk on his face that I want to slap right off. Tess, though her look was technically unreadable I could tell she was annoyed. Whether that was about last night or something else I couldn’t tell.

          Grunting I throw the bag into the truck grab my pack and pull out my flask taking a long pull. “Get that look off your face Tommy, before I take it off.”

“Little early for booze isn’t it Joel?” Tommy asks me raising an eyebrow at me.

“Nope.”

“So what’s the plan Joel? They have a bunch of supplies, a working vehicle, gas. I say tonight we get them both to sleep at the same time, we’ll take watch and we take the keys and go.” Tess says her voice commanding but low.

“No. We’re all going the same way. They ain’t hording their supplies, they’re sharin’. Let’s not look a gift horse in the mouth. Let’s just travel with ‘em, best way to stay alive ‘till we get to Boston.” I shove my flask back into my pack and walk over to Mike and Jo to see what routes we were going to take today.

          I didn’t want to hear what they had to say. I know Tommy would be on my side he was done stealing and killing, that’s why we were headed to Detroit in the first place but then we found it bombed to all hell. Then we met Tess who was headed to Boston and hitched ourselves to her. I know Tess was a kill or be killed kind of person but these people had been nothing but kind. They put blind faith in us, well, maybe not blind, but enough that they shared what they could with us. Not to mention Jo trusted me enough with a gun.

“So, what route are you thinking of going Mike?” I asked him stepping between him and Jo.

I could smell coffee from their cups and the smell was overwhelming. Not instant coffee, real coffee. Jo raised her cup to her lips and took a sip. I watched her jealous that they had the good stuff. Jo glanced at me then, looked back at the map, then back at me. My eyes didn’t leave the cup still in her hand until it was raised towards me. Looking at her face then I see her looking at me with a smirk, eyes sparkling clearly holding something back. I took it gratefully and took a long sip. The hot liquid scorched my throat a bit but it was worth every bit of pain. Sweet, sweet liquid gold.

I extend my arm out going to hand her back her cup, “Thank you.”

“Just finish it Joel, I can tell when someone’s needing caffeine. Top her off if you want, we have plenty in the thermos.” She gives me a small smile and turns back towards the map. “Dad and I were thinking of going down this highway but you guys have been out and about longer than us so what do you think?”

          I take another sip of coffee before topping it off looking at where Jo was pointing at the map. Seems like they want to take all the highways but those lead to major cities which means there was most likely danger there. Some places were unavoidable but if we can stick to back roads as much as possible we would hopefully make it to Boston in one piece.

“Best to stay off the highways as much as possible, a lot of the bigger cities are more likely to have raiders or hunters. Back roads are best for as long as we can.” I glance back at Jo who is looking at the map once again and as she leans forwards to take a closer look the left side of her body leaning against my side. She doesn’t move away at all, if anything she leans more into me not seeming to acknowledge the contact at all.

“Alright old man, let’s have Joel take over map duty then.” She says and finally leans back into her own space looking at Mike.

“Joel, that sound good to you?” Mike asks me pulling my attention away from Jo.

“Yes sir. I can do that.” Mike gives me a smile, folds up the map, and hands it to me. “You’ll take passenger seat then.” Mike then heads to the driver’s seat and turns the truck on.

“If it’s alright with you I’m gonna sit between you and dad and have Luci sit in the back with your brother and Tess. Promise it’ll give all of us more room then we had yesterday.” Jo doesn’t even look at me as she slings her rifle over her shoulder, her shirt raising a little to expose more skin then what was already showing.

“Ya’lls truck, ya’lls rules.” I told her finishing up my cup of coffee and handing the empty mug back to her.

“Alrighty!” She grabs the thermos from the hood turns with a smile on her face grabbing the cup from me before letting out a short whistle. Lucifer came bounding out from the woods and straight to Jo’s side.

          I watch as she finishes putting things away in the back of the truck and talking to Tommy and Tess most likely about the seating arrangements. Tess looks back at me with a blank look. Rolling my eyes I stretch out my neck once more before making my way to the passenger door. Jo opens the back door and Lucifer goes straight in laying down on the floor.

          I open my door and wait for Jo to climb in. She tells me thank you as she settles in the middle her dad already messing with some CD’s to start playing on our road trip. I sit down next to her and pull out the map taking a look at it. Once Mike picks an album I point him in the right direction and we take off.

Jo’s POV

          We’ve been on the road for a few hours now. Soundgarden playing low on the radio, Tommy’s soft snores, and Joel’s breathing next to me invaded my ears. The late night yesterday was starting to creep up on me. My eyes are feeling heavy and I have to shake my head every once in a while to keep myself from falling asleep. Dad had told me a while ago to just get some sleep but I felt like I need to stay up.

          Whenever there was a bump in the road Joel and I’s legs would briefly touch and it made me feel warm all over. There was just something about him that made me want to be close to him. Maybe it was because he had been honest with me, maybe it was because I hadn’t been in contact with someone else in a long time, and maybe it’s because he’s attractive. Whatever the reason I could feel this gravitational pull towards him.

          Last night I could start to feel it when we were talking. Standing or sitting as close as I could without even realizing that I was doing it. It wasn’t until I went to bed and tossed and turned that I realized that’s what I had been doing. Then this morning when he stood next to me I wanted to see if I would still feel the same way so I purposely made it so I leaned into his side and when I did I didn’t want to pull away. Now with our legs touching and sitting so close together I knew it wasn’t just my imagination. I could feel a pull towards him.

“Hey, just close your eyes. I’ll wake you up when we stop for a break.” Joel said next to me. I looked up at him and saw that he was already looking at me. I nodded my head in response and tipped my head back against the seat and closed my eyes, the innocuous noises slowly lulling me to sleep.  

          When I finally did start to wake up I could hear someone telling me softly it was time to wake up. My cheek felt warm and I could smell pine and dirt. In confusion I slowly opened my eyes blinking fast against the sun scrunching my face as I did. That’s when I noticed my head was no longer straight back against the seat but leaning on the side against something warm. When I finally free my mind of the cobwebs I notice that I was sleeping against Joel’s shoulder.

          Straightening up as quickly as my tired body would allow me I whispered out an “I’m sorry” to him and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. “We taking a break?” I ask him noticing out the windshield everyone else walking around stretching their legs and dad by a car siphoning gas.

“Yeah, just for a little bit to get some gas sense there’s a few cars here.”

“Right. Yeah. Okay. I’ll be out in a minute.” I told Joel. He nodded at me and got out of the truck.

          I watched as Luci pranced his way over to Joel who reached down and gave him a scratch behind his ears. A soft smile made its way onto my face as I watched him pick up a stick and throw it for Luci. I made my way out onto the pavement and stretched my arms over my head and twisted the knots out of my back. I walked up to Joel and Luci as he came back with his stick.

“You’re playing a dangerous game sir.” I giggled at him.

“What do you mean?”

“Once you get Lucifer to play fetch you’ll never stop. It’s one of the circles of hell.” I laugh and cross my arms across my chest as Joel throws the stick again.

“Could think of worse things.” I could see the corner of his mouth tug like he wanted to smirk or smile but didn’t let himself.

          We stood there for a while playing with Luci making idle chit chat. I look around noticing it looked like we were heading into a town of some sort. All the cars looked like they were heading in the opposite direction most likely trying to evacuate the day the outbreak started. Tommy and Tess were opening up any car doors they could and rummaging through them looking for anything we might need.

“Alright kids! Let’s get a move on, think I got as much gas as I can get.” Dad yelled at all of us. I gave a two tone whistle to Luci and he dropped the stick and headed back to the truck with me everyone else following shortly behind.

          Not twenty minutes later we were in some small town in bum fuck nowhere. Dad starts to drive even slower than he was when he was driving around all the abandoned cars on the road heading here. Doors of homes had red X’s spray painted on them and windows were busted. As we made our way into the part of town with stores we all agreed it looked empty enough and we should look around some of the stores for any kind of supplies.

“Luci and I will stay with the truck just in case.” I told my dad but loud enough for the group to hear.

“Kiddo I can do that why don’t you go ahead with Joel into the drug store and go look for stuff?”

“Nah, I’d rather be here.” If he had suggested I go on my own I might have gone but him suggesting Joel and I going together made my body feel like I had pins and needles pricking my skin. I was still feeling bad about falling asleep on his shoulder and I could still feel the pull to be next to him and I knew in the back of my head I needed to start pushing those feelings and thoughts aside. It was just a good way to get hurt.

“Alright, yell if you need us.” Dad and Joel headed off to the right while Tommy and Tess went to the left.

          I headed to the back of the truck and climbed in getting a new pistol to replace the one I had given Joel last night. I put it in my holster and made my way back to the front of the truck leaning against it with my arms crossed keeping my head on rotation looking for any kind of threat. Luci sat next to me also on alert.

Joel’s POV

Mike and I start digging through the drug store shelves looking for anything that could be useful. I found some bandages and gauze, Mike found some rubbing alcohol and was now behind the pharmacy counter looking at different pill bottles. I made my way over to an isle that had pet supplies. I found a chew toy for Lucifer and put it in my back pocket. Unfortunately I didn’t see any food so he’d just have to keep eating leftovers that Mike and Jo give him whenever they ate.

“Hey, Joel.”

“Yeah?”

“Just in case something happens on our way to Boston I need you to know something. Jo is allergic to Penicillin. If she needs antibiotics she can only take one that end in y-c-i-n, not c-i-l-l-i-n.” He tells me as he holds up two different bottles raising one and then the other as he spells out the last few letters of each kind.

“Why are you telling me this?” I ask him confused as to why he would be telling me, I’m still a stranger to him and his daughter.

“Well, if I’m not around I expect the three of you to help her to Boston. If she gets hurt and needs something someone other than me needs to know so they don’t accidently kill her.” Mike said still rummaging through different medications putting some in his pack and tossing others on the ground.

“Right, well, nothings gonna happen. We’ll get there in one piece.” I tell him mater-of-fact.

          A few minutes later we hear the distinct sound of gun fire. Mike and I’s heads snap up and towards the direction of the door. We hear another one go off and Lucifer barking. We both grab our guns and make our way quickly to the entrance Mike gives me a puzzled look for only a second when we hear a third shot ring out.

          Slowly we make our way outside where we see Jo with her gun aimed at eye level and three bodies laying down in the street. Lucifer is in-between her legs growling now. Jo’s body shift towards us as she points her gun at us then slowly lowers it when she recognizes us.

“What the hell Jo!” I yell out.

“What? They were infected. Did you want me to just let them wonder around and bite all of us?” She asked jutting her hip out clearly getting sassy and annoyed. She clicks her tongue and Lucifer walks out from between her legs and sits back down where he had been earlier. Not as tense as he was a moment ago but still alert.

“What happened?!” Tess yells out and Jo turns towards her and points her gun at Tess. “What the fuck?” Tess asks raising her hands.

          Jo lowers her gun quickly clicking the safety back on and putting it back in her holster. “Sorry, had a few infected come up on us.” Jo states clearly. Her shoulders are still tense and I can see how her eyes are darting everywhere keeping her head on a constant swivel.

“Best we get a move on then.” I tell the group as Mike and I head back into the store to grab our packs. I put the pistol back into my waist band. Mike is still looking at me strangely and I’m waiting for him to start questioning me but it never comes.

          We all pile back into the truck and make our way back onto the road. I can feel Tess’s eyes boring into the side of my face. I know that once we set up camp for the night she’s going to ask me about the gun. That thankfully would be in a few hours which meant I could have some peace until then. I look to my left and see Jo’s leg bouncing up and down. Without any thought I put my hand on her thigh close to her knee and give it a light squeeze.

          Immediately she stopped bouncing her knee and looks at me. I give her a nod of my head trying to let her know everything was okay, that we were safe now. It must have helped her a bit because the sharpness in her eyes started to soften into those eyes I had come to enjoy looking at. The lightest of smiles graced her face and then she looked forward out the windshield. My hand stayed where it was for a while longer before I needed to take the map out again.

          After a few more hours of driving we found a house that looked abandoned. Mike, Jo and Lucifer cleared the house while the rest of us did a perimeter check. When we found the place was clear we all headed inside. There were two bedrooms and a couch in the living room with blankets and pillows smelling of dust but it was more comfortable than the ground.

          Mike and Tommy had already decided that they would take the night watch so Jo and Tess took the two bedrooms on the other side of the house. I claimed the couch. Tess wasn’t talking to me yet and I knew it was because she didn’t want to argue in front of everyone. Jo was nice enough to give me a pillow and blanket from her room.          

          When night finally came upon us Tommy and Mike went outside, one in front, one in back to keep an eye on things. I knew it was better to talk to Tess now before things got out of hand so I start making my way towards the two rooms. The one on the left was open halfway and I can see Jo looking at herself in a mirror. She’s brushing her hair out and it’s the first time I have seen it down.

          Her hair is long, coming down to her mid back. It looked wavy, like she had been at the beach all day. She looks so tired. Sitting on the edge of the bed facing the mirror her shoulders are hunched over and she lets out a long sigh putting her head in her hands, elbows on her knees. She shakes her head back and forth before looking back up at the mirror, hands slowly pulling down her face. Then sitting up straighter than before, she puts her hair back up, this time into a ponytail.

          Feeling like I was intruding now I make my way over to the other bedroom where Tess is. I don’t bother knocking just walking in and close the door behind me. Tess must have heard me coming because she’s standing there facing the door with her arms crossed over her chest a look of annoyance on her face.

“So, you get a gun and we don’t?” She asks right away.

“Well, Tommy’s using one now too for watch. That’s why I got one last night.” I told her firmly but there’s an edge of exhaustion in my voice.

“Well where’s mine then? Shouldn’t we all be able to defend ourselves?”

“I’m sure if you asked for yours back they’ll give it back to you Tess. It doesn’t seem like that big of an ask.” I tell her mirroring her stance.

“Well I know for a fact that’s not your gun.” She says pointing at me but knowing she’s referencing what’s pressed up against my back.

“No it’s not. I’m sure if I asked I would get mine back without a problem. Stop making issues out of nothing Tess. Jo saved all of our asses back there today. Be grateful we found people who didn’t want to kill us back.”

“I am grateful. But it would be stupid of me to think that they might not turn on us in the middle of the night.”

          I think back to the drug store today with Mike. The way he trusted me to know what Jo is allergic to just in case something were to happen to her and he wasn’t there. These weren’t the kind of people who would turn on us in the middle of the night. We were. That’s what we used to do not that long ago.

“They’re not like that Tess. You just gotta trust me on this one.” I tell her making my way back out the door done with this conversation.

          Making my way back towards the couch I stop again at Jo’s door still halfway open. She has her back towards the door, Lucifer sleeping now next to her. I notice she doesn’t have anything to cover up in just the flannel that I gave her wrapped tightly around her and her head on a pillow.

I make my way back over to the couch where she had given me a blanket and picked it up. I walk back over to her room and step inside making my way over to her. Lucifer picks his head up a little bit glancing at me. I drape the blanket over Jo who snores lightly from exhaustion. I give his head a scratch and reach into my back pocket where the chew toy I had gotten for him still was and give it to him. Immediately he starts to nudge it with his nose then starts to chew on it. I make my way out of the room and make sure the door stays the way it was when I walked in. Walking back over to the couch I lie down and try and get some rest before morning.

Chapter Text

I want you. I don’t need you.

Chapter 6

Jo’s POV

          Waking up the next morning I could feel Lucifer’s body pressed up against my back. Scrunching my face before blinking my eyes open I noticed I was warmer now then when I had fallen asleep. Looking down on myself I noticed the same blanket that I had given Joel last night was placed over me. Pulling it up to my chin I look out the window. The sun was just starting to rise making the sky look bruised with dark purples and reds bleeding into the dark sky.

          Taking a deep breath in through my nose that smells of dust and mildew I slowly sit up releasing my breath through my mouth making a motorboat sound. Luci, now fully awake stands on the bed and breaks into a big stretch and yawn. I throw the blanket off of myself and step onto the wooden floor my boots making some noise but overall I’m pretty quiet.

          Luci and I head to the living room to see Joel on the couch with his eyes closed, arms crossed over his chest that’s rising and falling in a steady rhythm. As quietly as I can I open up the front door so Luci can do his business and I can get a breath of fresh air. As he runs off to do his thing I stretch my arms over my head and breathe in the early morning air. Birds are starting to sing and the sky is turning into richer reds and yellows.

          Looking to my left I see Tommy sitting on an old rocking chair with a rifle laying on his lap. He’s already looking at me and we smile at one another. I raise my hand in greeting and he does the same as I step down off the porch and make my way towards the back of the house. There I see dad leaning against the house with his rifle over his shoulder and a foot up against the siding.

“Hey Pop’s.” I say to him walking up to his spot.

“Hey kiddo, how’d you sleep?” He asks me putting an arm around my shoulders.

“Pretty good actually, think I was more tired than I thought.” Still rubbing some sleep from my eyes and wrapping Joel’s flannel closer around my torso.

“Hey, meant to ask you, did you give Joel your gun the other night?” Dad asks me his eyebrows knitting together.

“Yeah, I did. I was making a perimeter check with Luci and I wanted to make sure that if anything happened at camp someone who was awake had some protection.” I told him staring off into the backyard. I still stand by what I did.

“Alright, just noticed it yesterday in town, you trust them enough to give them weapons?” Finally dad looks down at me. I couldn’t tell if the look in his eyes was approval or if it was skepticism.

“I mean, I think that as long as one of us is awake at all times with them right now I think they’ll be fine. If they were going to kill us or rob us they would had done it by now. Joel would have had plenty of time and opportunity to do that over the last twenty four hours.”

“Fair enough, why don’t you let the others know we’ll get going soon.”

“Alrighty.”

          Dad gives the top of my head a kiss and I walk off towards the front of the house again. Lucifer is sitting next to Tommy on the porch with his head in his lap. “Hey, dad says were gonna get going soon.” Tommy gives me a smile and a nod as he pats Luci’s head one more time before standing up and walking towards me. Then as he reaches me he goes to hand me the rifle that he’s had all night; the same one that they had the other day when we all met.

“Hear ya go.”

“Keep it if you want.” I tell him with a smile and make my way back inside the small home.

          As I walk in I find myself immediately in the living room and I can hear Joel sighing when I walk over to him. He’s scrubbing his face with his hands like he was trying to will himself awake. Like me he kept on the clothes from the day before and even kept his boots on. Ready to go at a moment’s notice, when he finally stops rubbing his face his eyes find mine. They’re still half lidded from sleep and the scruff on his face more pronounced now. I give him a small smile as Lucifer licks Joel’s face in greeting.

“Mornin’. Dad says that we’ll be heading out soon-ish. Unfortunately this place had electric stoves so no coffee this morning but maybe tomorrow.” I go to turn and head back to the bedroom I was staying in to grab my pack and fix my hair for the day but then turn back towards Joel who’s slowly sitting up with a grunt. “Thanks by the way, for the blanket, you didn’t have to give it back to me. I would have been warm enough.”

          I didn’t wait for a response just headed back. Looking in the mirror I take my hair out of the ponytail I put it in last night and brush through it. I wrap it up neatly into a bun and then putting everything back into my pack. I put my belt back on and my holster on my leg with the pistol I took from the back of the truck yesterday. I sling my bag over my shoulder. I went to go wake up Tess next but I could see the bedroom door cracked open and muffled voices coming from within it so I didn’t bother to go over there.

          Walking back out to the truck and opening the tailgate I toss my bag onto it and then climb up. I make my way towards the back and grab the revolver and the couple of knives we confiscated from the trio the other day. I shove my bag in between the camping gear and gas cans and jump off of the tail gate. I can see everyone slowly filing out of the house and towards the truck.

          Wordlessly I stick my hand out, the knives blades in my palm and the hilts towards the group. Tess looks at me with confusion and suspicion but grabs the knives anyway. Then I hold out the revolver towards Joel. We look at each other for a beat before he takes it from my hand.

“Can I have mine back now please?” I ask him jutting my hip out hand out waiting for my pistol to be handed over.

“Yeah, sure.” Slowly he reaches towards the small of his back and hands me my pistol.

“Normally I wouldn’t care; you can actually have this one.” I pull the one from my holster out and hand it to him. “This one’s special.” I turn the pistol in my hand showing him the muzzle. On it is an etching of my initials JTW. “Joanne Taylor Waters.” I tell him pointing at each letter.

“Didn’t even notice it.”

“Wouldn’t have expected you to.” I put my gun in my holster, “dad etched that on there when we first got to the cottage years ago. Might not seem like much but it’s mine. He made sure I still had something that was my own when we lost everything.”

“I can understand that.” Joel nods in acknowledgement. I give him a close lipped smile and turn away from him. 

          As all of us make our way to the truck I notice dad is standing by the passenger side door. Tommy is already in the back seat eyes closed, head resting on the window; Luci and Tess already relaxing in the back as well. I climb in the front sitting my now usual spot. I can see dad and Joel talking before they head to the truck. Joel gets behind the wheel and dad sits on my right. He hands me the map without a word as Joel starts up the truck and dad closes his eyes.

A Few Days Later

          The last few days on the road have been pretty uneventful, driving during the day, making camp at night. We’ve all taken turns behind the wheel playing musical chairs in the truck. We all feel much more comfortable with each other now too.

          Tess is pretty much all business not really one for jokes or light heartedness. Tommy and my dad get along well sense both of them served. He’s still a softy though, all smiles and kindness. Joel, well, Joel is still quiet. We really haven’t had time to just ourselves since the one night we took first watch together. I still feel his eyes on me almost constantly but every time I go to look over at him he diverts his gaze.

          I’ve also noticed that he and Tess are closer than just partners like he had told me. Not that it’s any of my business just something I’ve observed. She tends to stay close by his side and he in turn does the same. I still can’t tell which one is in charge between the two of them but, if I had to guess I would think it would be Tess. She just has that kind of air about her; that no non-sense attitude. The blunt way she speaks and doesn’t really give a shit about what we think of her.

          Looking out the windshield I grip the steering wheel a little bit tighter. We’re heading into Philly today, there’s no way we can really avoid it. We need gas for the truck and the best place to do that is somewhere we know will have a lot of cars to siphon from. Next to me Lucifer is panting and Joel is in the passenger seat giving me directions.

“Take a right up there and then we’ll be going straight until we hit the city.” He tells me face buried in the map.

          I hum in response making the turn as my nerves slowly start to increase with every minute that passes. Dad, Tess, and Tommy are all alert and observant of the surroundings. I tap the dash in front of Luci’s face to get his attention.

“So, is there a QZ here?” I ask everyone.

“From what I heard the people overturned FEDRA pretty early on.” Tommy tells me.

“Oh, great, love that for us!” I say sarcastically while rolling my eyes.

          There it was again, that feeling of someone burning holes into the side of my face. I glance to my right and see Joel turning his head back to the front of the truck to look out the windshield. Breathing in deeply through my nose and then exhaling the same way I continue to drive. I don’t know why but the way he’s been acting since we left that house days ago has been annoying me. This whole staring at me thing and then acting like he isn’t is just childish to me. Maybe he thinks he’s slicker than he actually is.

          When we finally make it into the city I look all around, there’s a mixture of modern and historical buildings. It would have been a beautiful place to visit before outbreak. I could imagine people hustling and bustling around the city going to work, getting coffee, shopping. Now buildings are falling apart there’s over grown foliage and abandoned cars everywhere.

“Alright kiddo, pull over here and I’ll start trying for some gas.” Dad says from behind me. I do as he says and shut off the engine.

“Come on Lucifer.” I open my door and step out patting my hip. I look around taking in my surroundings.

          Its overcast today and looking like it’s going to rain any minute now. The air is thick and humid making me rethink wearing my baseball shirt instead of something with shorter sleeves. I start walking across the street towards an old Starbucks and signal for Luci to stay with the group. The windows are all busted and I just walk inside glass crunching under my boots. I head towards the back towards the bathroom.

          Once I was done in there I made my way towards the shelves where coffee beans or ground coffee would be. Not seeing anything I make my way behind the counter and start looking at different shelves and cupboards. After a few minutes I get down on my knees and look down on the bottom shelving units. In the very back corner I find it. A bag of ground coffee, fucking score! As I go to reach for it I feel something cold and hard pressed to my head.

“Fuck. Easy now, I’m just passing through. You can even have this bag of coffee I just found.” I tell whoever is holding a gun to my head. Still bent over I raise my hands up by my head.

“Stand up!” It’s a man’s voice. He seems angry. “Tell me how many more of you there are!”

          Slowly I begin to stand up my hands never lowering. I turn to face him. He’s a big man, maybe six foot or so, very muscular. He has dirt all over him like he hasn’t even seen a stream of water in weeks. His red beard is wiry and long which is the complete opposite to his bald head. He keeps his gun trained on me but takes a step back and looks me up and down.

“Take out your gun, two fingers and put it on the ground.” I comply, “good, now kick it to me.” I do as he says. “Now I won’t ask again, how many more of you are there?” He picks up my gun and tucks it into the front of his waistband. Good way to shoot your dick off sir.

“There are four more of us, across the street. Sir, I promise we’re just passing through, just stopping to get some gas and we’ll be on our way.” I keep a neutral face hoping that telling him we mean him no harm will let us get out of the city Scott free.

“Gas? For a vehicle?” I furrow my eyebrows in question because what the hell else would we want or need gas for?

“Yes sir.” With a grumble he grabs my left wrist whipping me around and twisting my arm behind my back painfully.

“Let’s start walking beautiful.” He whispers in my ear his breath stinking of something spoiled and as hot and moist as a swamp.

          He pulls my arm farther up my back and I grunt in pain as he pushes us forward. Slowly we walk through the building, the glass under our feet cracking under pressure. Stepping through the threshold I can see everyone around dad they’re all talking with their backs towards us.

“Alright, now you’re gonna let them know we’re here. That I’m gonna take that truck of yours and whatever’s in it. Then I’ll let you all go. No harm done.”

“Tell that to my shoulder you ass.” In response to that he puts the gun to my right temple switching off the safety.

“Or all of you can die, it’s your call.” He tells me and I grind my teeth together.

“Fine.” With another grunt of pain as his hand grips harder on my wrist I call out to everyone. “Everyone stay calm and turn around slowly!” I yell from across the four lane road to everyone. Suddenly he makes us stop there jerking me close to his chest. Everyone’s heads snap up as they all turn towards us. I can see Lucifer starting to walk towards me teeth bared; I whistle for him to halt.

“What was that?!”

“I didn’t think you wanted my dog to attack you so I signaled for him to stop.”

“Any funny business and I’ll shoot him.”

“Yeah I kinda figured that Einstein.” This time he gave me a punch to the side; the wind gets knocked out of me yet instead of folding over in half like my body wanted me to I was forced to stay up right by baldy.

“What do you want?” dad asks the gas cans now forgotten next him.

“Go ahead sweetheart tell them.”

“He wants the truck and the supplies in it,” even though I’m wheezing I finish my sentence, “don’t do it. Just get out of here!”

“Listen here you little bitch! I told you everyone would die if you didn’t do what I said. Do you want to be the example? Maybe if I kill you they’ll at least come to their senses. Hmm? What do you think?”

“I think you picked the wrong arm to grab.”

          With my right hand I grab my knife attached to my belt, my shirt thankfully covering it today. I drive it into his thigh and from the sudden shock of pain he releases my left arm. I pull the knife out and turn my body to face him. I try to stab him anywhere in the chest or somewhere close to there but he grabs my arm. We struggle for a moment and when I see the hand holding the gun is aimed at my torso I grab his wrist trying to keep it away from me but he’s too strong.

          The gun goes off shooting a round into the air. The close range shot makes my body coil in on its self out of reflex. Baldy takes this opportunity to knock the butt of his gun to the side of my face. Not hard enough to knock me out but hard enough my grip on my knife loosens enough for him to take it from me, spin me around and hold it against my throat.

          I can see Tommy, dad, and Joel all holding their guns up aimed at the man holding me hostage; Tess is holding back Lucifer who keeps trying to lunge after the man at my back. The blade is pushing in deeper and I can feel blood starting to roll down my neck to my chest, soaking my shirt. And even though my vision is slightly blurred from the hit to the head I can see how scared dad really is, how Tommy is laser focused, and Joel looks like he has murder in his eyes.

“Let her go and you can have whatever you want!” Dad yells back over.

“Well, now I feel like I have to show you all just how serious I am about the consequences of not doing what I tell you to do!”

“I want you to listen to me real good. You won’t be taking anythin’ from us and you won’t be killin’ her. You’ll die here today if you don’t leave right now.” Joel starts to slowly walk forward, pistol raised.

          Baldy just laughs at Joel and points his own gun him. Joel stops walking forward but doesn’t lower his weapon. Then as quick as lightning the knife at my throat is gone but then there’s white hot pain across my face. My eyes widen and a scream rips from my chest; I get pushed to the ground. I hear one pop of a gun then just as quick as the first another round pops off. A distinct sound of soft and heavy hitting hard ground was unmistakable.

I can hear thudding coming closer to me as I start to sit up. I look behind me and see baldy lying face down on the pavement. Blood is pooling beneath him and I shove his shoulder with my foot just to make sure he would stay down. Moving onto all fours now I see blood dripping onto the pavement at a pretty steady rate; as I start to look up I see a pair of boots stop in front of me. Then I feel a hand on my shoulder.

“Jo! Jo are you alright?” It’s a males voice but I can’t quite make out who it is. “Jo, talk to me, are you alright?”

          I look up and see Joel. He’s kneeling down in front of me one hand on my shoulder another on his revolver. Quickly he puts it back in his waistband. Both of his hands, without hesitation claim the sides of my face. The shock is starting to wear off and my face is starting to throb and burn all at the same time. He looks so concerned right now and I couldn’t help but let out a huff of a laugh and let a small smile linger on my lips.

“The hell do you have to smile about Jo?” His frustration is coming out in full force.

 “I have no idea but your face…” I trail off. I don’t know why but his concern looks so foreign. “It looks weird.”

“My face looks weird to you?”

“No, you just have too much concern on it. Doesn’t fit you. I’m fine, promise, just need to walk it off.” I tell him pushing his hands away and sitting back on my heels. Slowly I make my way to standing, the wind in the air making my wounds sting worse. I touch my neck and look at the blood on my finger tips, then go to touch my face to see how much was cut but Joel grabs my hands and pulls them down.  

“Jo, this isn’t something you just walk off. Your face…”

“Yeah I know Joel, I can feel it.”

          I start to walk towards the truck and dad walks up to my side. No words are exchanged as we walk to the bed of the truck. With a neutral face he opens the tailgate and I jump up to sit on it with a grunt of pain. Dad grabs the med kit and starts to gather the things he’ll need. Tommy walks over with a bottle of water and I take it greedily. I get handed a pill that I’m told is an antibiotic just in case. Tess comes over and hands me my knife with Joel trailing behind her.

“Joel,” trying to get his attention, “my gun, he took it, it’s somewhere on him. Can you get it for me?” Just then dad starts dabbing away at my face and neck with rubbing alcohol a hiss escapes my lips and my hands clench, fingernails digging into my palms.

          He nods at me as he walks away. A few minutes later he places my gun next to me on the tailgate and then another. I look at him and he just stares at me. I glance down and grab baldy’s gun. I twist it in my hands for a second. It’s also a semiautomatic pistol but it has wood on the grip. I set it down putting my own back into my holster.

I only needed a bandage on my neck, the cut not as bad as I had originally thought it was. However, my face was bad. Dad is getting a needle and thread ready to sew my face back together. The others have already walked away to give me some privacy. But Joel, Joel stayed. He holds eye contact with me the whole time dad is sewing me up.

Without even meaning to my eyes start to tear up and spill over onto my cheeks. I would wipe them but there was no way I would be able to without getting in dads way. Then to my surprise Joel walks around dad and over to my side. I can’t see his face anymore but I can feel that familiar sensation of his eyes on me. He grabs my hand and squeezes it, giving me constant pressure, something to take my mind off of the pain.

He’s murmuring small things. Things like ‘you’re doin’ good’, ‘almost there’, ‘you’re still lookin’ good’. I shouldn’t feel so comforted by what he’s saying to me but I am. When dad finishes I slouch and breathe a sigh of relief. Everything still hurts but the worst is over now.

“I found coffee in the Starbucks before baldy found me.” I look at Joel then, his gaze on me intense.

“Next time you wander off make sure I’m with you would you?” His hand still hasn’t left mine.

“I’ll do my best to remember to do that sugar.” I give him a half smile.

“Come on let’s get you lying down in the back.”

          Joel guides me by my hand to the back of the truck and I lay down. Lucifer is already on the floor; I scratch behind his ear as Joel shuts the door closest to my feet. A moment later the door by my head opens and I move my head back to see Joel there.

“Sit up for a second.” I do as he says and he sits down. “I don’t want you to mush those stitches into the seat, just lay your head on my lap.” He closes the door and opens his arms up a bit like an invitation.

“Yeah, alright.” I take my hair out of its now loose bun and shake it out a bit. As I lay down on him I push my hair out to where it was more than likely on Joel’s other leg and make myself comfortable. His free arm rests against my side, one of his fingers looped through my belt loop. Feeling safe now I close my eyes and let exhaustion take over.   

Chapter Text

I want you. I don’t need you.

Chapter 7

          The jostling of the truck is making my face ache despite all the Ibuprofen I’m taking. If I could just get an ice pack of some kind I think it would make a world of difference. Joel’s still sitting in the back with me even though we’ve switched drivers multiple times the last couple of days.  No one has let me take a turn driving which irritates me because I can still do everything I was doing before. Just with a side order of pain.

          We have a few more days of traveling before we make it to the Boston QZ. My head is on Joel’s lap; really it’s the only comfortable position in the truck with my face throbbing and on fire all at the same time. Lucifer has made the floor his new home, gently poking me with his nose every few hours to make sure I’m still awake. Tess tells us that she’s pulling over for the night and that it’s going to get a bit bumpy. I groan quietly out of annoyance and Joel puts his hands on my head. One at the top and the other holding my chin to make sure I don’t bump my face on anything.

          Tess drives slowly over the rough terrain, which is helpful but there are some big divots she has to drive through. I keep my eyes closed squeezing them when it gets particularly bouncy but staying silent trying not to give away how much pain I’m really in. When we finally stop Joel takes his hands off my head and I sit up. Gravity has been my biggest enemy these last couple days. It makes my face pulsate and I can feel the swelling and stitches pulling against my skin. 

          I exit the truck holding the door open for Luci and make my way to the bed of the truck before anyone could stop me. Since baldy sliced me up the boys have been overly protective of me. I just want things to go back to the way they were before all of that. I open up the tailgate and go to hop up to grab the sleeping bags and our packs when a hand lands on my shoulder. Joel guides me away from the truck and climbs in instead.

“You know, I’m not fragile.” I tell him through gritted teeth crossing my arms over my chest popping my right hip out.

“Never said you were.” The coolness of his tone is making me increasingly mad.

“You didn’t have to. No one has to say it. It’s obvious in the way you’re all treating me, like I’m ten, like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

“Well, if you hadn’t acted like a child and gone off by yourself, then get into the situation you did, we wouldn’t be treating you like you’re ten.” Joel grunts as he starts tossing all of our packs on the ground looking over me from the truck bed.

“Get fucked Joel.” I whistle for Luci to follow me as I head out in search of some dry wood. “Getting wood; be back soon!” I yell to the group looking straight ahead raising a hand over my head.

“I’ll come with you!” Tommy yells back and I stop in my tracks. Turning to face him; he stops dead in his tracks.

My anger is boiling over now. I swear to God I’ll shoot all these mother fuckers if they keep acting like this. I don’t do babying. I don’t do it for other people and I sure as shit don’t want people to do it to me.

“Let her go Tommy, she’s got Lucifer.” I hear Joel tell his brother jumping down from the truck.

          I refuse to acknowledge either of them and continue my way with Lucifer in search for wood. Where we had stopped to camp is in the backyard of a dilapidated house. It wouldn’t be safe enough for us to stay the night in it but the building itself gave us some cover from anyone who might be passing by.

          Stomping off in the soft grass is making everything throb and sting but my anger is too palpable for me to really focus on it. Lucifer walks a few feet ahead of me sniffing at the dirt and fallen branches. The backyard has quite a few trees the farther out we walk. I can see the truck and everyone milling about but they’re far enough away now that I can take a breath.

          Between the claustrophobia of everyone in the truck, the pain I’m in, and the over protectiveness I’m ready to kill someone, or myself. Looking to my left I see a fallen tree, covered in moss and mushrooms, the bottom splintered and jagged. The wood looks like it has wet rot but still sturdy enough for me to be able to sit on for a few minutes.

          The tree is probably about fifteen feet long and wide enough that I would have to wrap my arms around it twice just to get around it. I watch as Luci tries to jump up tree in front of me snapping his jaws at a squirrel just out of reach. My ass is getting a little wet but this is the most peace I’ve felt in days. Placing my hands on the wood by my sides, extending my legs out straight crossing them at the ankles, I close my eyes and tilt my head up to the sky and just breathe. The little bit of sun poking through the leaves warming my skin and bathing me in serenity.

          After a while I open my eyes and look back at Luci who has given up on the squirrel and is instead sitting down staring at me. I bend my knees and rest my forearms on my knees tilting my head at Luci who mimics me. I laugh a little as we both keep tilting our heads back and forth at each other. Then figuring it’s time to start actually looking for some wood I make my way around and pick up a few sticks and twigs here and there not in any rush to get back camp.

          When my arms are relatively full I signal for Luci to follow me and we make our way back. When camp starts to come into view I see dad pulling out cans of food, Tess and Joel are setting out sleeping bags, and Tommy is sitting on the ground with his rifle next to him.

          Luci goes straight to dad ready for dinner; I walk in front of Tommy and drop the sticks. I start to make a small pile to start a small fire. Throwing in some dried grass here and there to get the fire a little larger to catch on some of the twigs I hear someone approach me. I glance at the ground to my right and see Joel’s boots have stopped next to me. His body isn’t facing me, it’s facing the fire I’ve started and I refuse to look up to see if he’s trying to get my attention or not.

          Dad hands all of us an individual can of whatever we have. I get canned corned beef hash, opening my can I immediately dig in, the saltiness is a bit overwhelming but its protein and it’ll fill me up. I eat quickly, stand up, and walk over to the truck. I grab the rifle from the back, my hands grazing over my pistol and knife before standing at the side of the truck facing the road, one foot propped up again the rear wheel.

“You keepin’ watch with me tonight?” Tommy asks as he approaches me.

“Yep.” I pop my ‘p’ glancing at him with a blank expression.

“Well alright then! Glad you’re feelin’ up to it.” Tommy gives me a wide smile.

“I was always up for it, was told I couldn’t.”

“Right… well probably was best for you to rest after everything. But I get it. Feeling useless, knowing you can be doing something, should be doing something.”

          I really look at Tommy then. His eyes are warm and kind, no hint of sarcasm in them. Tommy is a sweet man, never said anything mean, not really; maybe a jab at Joel every once in a while but only in a way that brothers do. Nodding at him confirming what he said was true and giving him a small smile. He puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his side for a hug.

“And just so you know, you still look beautiful. No scars goin’ to take that away from you.” Both of us have smiles on our faces.

          I let out a short but loud laugh throwing my head back. Tommy laughs a little too pulling me in closer towards his chest his other arm rubbing mine. “Thanks Tommy.” I laugh again and push his chest a little bit, “you’re such a flirt dude.”

“Can’t help myself,” he lifts is arms in mock surrender, “pretty thing like you a man would be stupid not to.”

          Both of us laugh louder and I grab a hold of the outside of his bicep. Heat rises to my cheeks and the tips of my ears. I couldn’t remember the last time someone complimented me or even flirted with me. Being secluded for so long I had forgotten what it felt like to feel like this.

“What are you doin’ Jo? I’m taking watch with Tommy tonight.” Joel says as he walks up and stands in front of the two of us. He looks at my face and then at my hand still touching his brothers arm then back to my eyes. His expression is unreadable, just a slight narrowing of his eyelids.

“No Joel, I’m taking watch tonight with Tommy. I haven’t done anything productive in days. I’m feeling better so I’m gonna help.”

“Well you look like hell. Go get some sleep.”

“Joel what the hell man, that’s unnecessary. If she wants to keep watch she should.” Tommy says coming to my defense his arm landing around my shoulders again.

“She couldn’t hear a grown man stalking up behind her in an empty store. You really think she should be keeping watch over all of us while we sleep?” Joel looks at his brother now completely ignoring the fact that I was still right there.

“That’s not fair Joel, things happ-.”

“No, things don’t just happen, Tommy. You either survive or you die. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed but anytime I keep watch no one dies and no one gets hurt.”

          Tears start to well up in my eyes. A large lump gets stuck in my throat no matter how many times I try to swallow it down. My eyes burn and my whole body go’s ridged. Slowly I remove Tommy’s arm and slide the rifle’s strap off my shoulder. Tommy and Joel are having a staring contest now. Looking between the two, the silence too thick now, I step up to Joel and shove the rifle into his chest.

“Here, just take it. It’s not worth the argument; night Tommy.”

“Goodnight sunshine.”

Joel’s POV

          Joanne’s head is resting on my lap in the back seat of the truck. Over the last couple of days she really hasn’t moved from this spot. Anytime we make camp I can see the pain in her eyes. She’s doing a good job holding it together, but I can see the way her eyes wince, the little moans of pain she lets slip when there’s a bump in the truck or she turns her head too fast. I can see the irritation growing in her too.

          She hasn’t smiled since the incident. Hasn’t laughed, just kind of shut down and speaking only when spoken to. She just isn’t acting like the woman I’ve started to get to know. When I had heard her yell across the street that day my heart had stopped. Seeing that dirty man hurting her, keeping her close to his body with a gun to her head made me see red.

          It took everything in me not to charge up to him and kill him right then and there. I could hear Lucifer on my right growling; a sharp whistle coming from Jo making him still in his tracks. I couldn’t hear them but I could see them talking to each other. She must have said something snarky because his fist connected with her side. The grip on my pistol was so tight then that my knuckles were white.

          Anger and terror was all I could feel at that moment. Then when she told us to just take the truck and leave I had sighed in disbelief. I knew that there was no way I was leaving without her. She wouldn’t die over some stupid vehicle and she sure has hell was going to make it out of this. Then she had stabbed him, if I wasn’t so worried about her safety I would have been proud of her.

          The struggle between the two of them was intense, I held my gun steady trying to find a clean shot but she was in the way. They were too far away from me to shoot him without possibly hitting her in the process. A shot rang out into the air and I saw Jo curl in on herself. Then he had her back in his grip; knife to her throat, blood steadily running down. Flashes of Sarah and me in front of the soldier that first day ran though my mind.

            Then that man had threatened her life. I needed him to understand that he wasn’t going to take anything from us and he wasn’t going to kill her. He was going to be the one dying today. I had walked as steady as I could, eyes laser focused on him. When he pointed his gun at me I had no choice but to stop moving forward. But when he had sliced her face and pushed her to the ground I saw my opportunity and shot him between the eyes.

          My anger turned to concern so quick it could have given someone whiplash. Seeing the blood dripping from her onto the pavement made my breath still in my chest. When I ran up to her she didn’t respond right away. It made me worried that her injuries were worse than I had initially thought, but then she looked up at me.

          I couldn’t help but put my hands on either side of her face. From the bottom of her jaw on her left side, all the way across her cheek, over her nose, through the top of her right eyebrow was cut deep; I could see the white fatty bits poking through. The cut was broad, much larger then I could have imagined. I couldn’t believe she was still able to function. Her eyes were distant and glassed over, barely speaking to me before she got up and made her way to the truck.

          Now looking down at her, face all stitched up, lying in my lap just like the day she had gotten hurt. I couldn’t help but feel like I should have shot that man earlier than I did. That maybe there had been an opening for me to kill him before she had gotten hurt. The stitches looked tight; her skin overly taught from them. I can’t quite place the feeling I have sitting in my chest. There’s anger and guilt for sure, but, there’s something else that I don’t have a name for.

          Tess announces that we’re heading in for the night and turns into the grass. I hold Jo’s head, not wanting the bouncing to exacerbate the pain I know she’s in. As soon as the truck stops I move my hands away from her trying not to make it obvious that I didn’t want to leave her side. I don’t want to stop making sure she’s as comfortable as she can be. I watch her as she makes her way to the back of the truck. I quickly move to her, placing a hand on her shoulder, forcing her to back away from the tail gate. I jump up and start grabbing the things we’ll need for the night avoiding her gaze.

“You know, I’m not fragile.” I can hear the anger she’s trying so hard to conceal.

“Never said you were.” Trying to keep my voice as even and neutral as I can, doing my damnedest to keep my eyes fixed downward.   

“You didn’t have to. No one has to say it. It’s obvious in the way you’re all treating me, like I’m ten, like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

“Well, if you hadn’t acted like a child and gone off by yourself and get held hostage, we wouldn’t be treating you like you’re ten.” Grunting as I throw packs on the ground I finally look at her. Yeah I was mad she had gone off on her own and gotten hurt, but I know it wasn’t her fault. But, maybe if she thinks that everyone thinks she made a bad move she won’t go off on her own again.

“Get fucked Joel.” I watch as she walks off towards the trees rubbing a hand down my face.

“Getting wood, be back soon!”

“I’ll come with you!” Tommy yells at her and when she turns around the look on her face was murderous.

“Let her go Tommy, she’s got Lucifer.” I tell him not liking how eager he was to go with her for such a mundane task.

          Hopping down from the tailgate I look back over at Jo and then to Tommy who’s still watching her. Tess walks up to me and grabs her pack and sleeping bag giving me a hard look. The same one she’s been sporting since I decided to stay next to Jo as much as possible to make sure she’s stays comfortable. With a sigh I grab my pack and sleeping bag and head towards Tess.

“Alright, what’s wrong Tess?” I ask her tossing everything on the ground placing a hand on my hip narrowing my eyes at her.

“Oh, I’m sorry are you talking to me?” She looks around sarcastically placing a hand on her chest. “You know my names not Joanne right?”

“Tess, cut the shit.”

“I just wanted to make sure you knew who you were talking to.”

Walking up close to her face I lock eyes with her. “Tess I swear to God.” A growl coming out of my chest as my annoyance grows.  

“Listen, I’m your partner. You’ve known me longer and I’ve saved your ass on multiple occasions. I know she’s younger and I know she’s pretty, but we talked about loyalty Joel.” Tess crosses her arms across her chest.

“I know Tess, that hasn’t changed. She’s injured and I’m just trying to make sure she’s as comfortable as she can be.”

“Yeah and your lap has to be the best place for that hmm?”

“Look, we’ll be in Boston soon and then we won’t see them again. So how about you lighten up and take a deep breath.” I reach up to her shoulders and give them a squeeze trying to get her to calm down. The thought of never seeing Joanne again is making my stomach clench but there was no reason for us to be in contact with each other once we get to our destination.

“You’re right,” she sighs hanging her head for a moment before looking back at me. “Alright, okay, let’s just get our stuff situated for the night yeah?”

“Yeah, I’m going to take watch tonight with Tommy.”

“Well if one of you get’s too tired just wake me.”

          I nod at Tess starting to roll out my sleeping bag next to hers. I reach into my pack for my flask and take a long sip. With the flask still at my lips I see Lucifer walking ahead of Jo out of the tree line. She’s looking more relaxed then she has in days, though her shoulders are still up by her ears. Lucifer heads to Mike who’s by the truck getting food for everyone. Jo doesn’t look up from the ground, walking past Tommy who’s sitting across from Tess and me. She drops the wood in her hands and crouches down to start a small fire.

          I walk over and stop next to her. I face Tess who’s going through her pack for something. I look down at Jo. Her dark brown hair is a mess. Strands of hair have fallen out of her bun getting frizzy from not brushing her hair. I try to come up with something to say to her but nothing’s coming to mind. I’m not going to tell her I feel guilty about her getting hurt and not shooting the bastard earlier. I’m not going to tell her that I just want to make sure she’s safe; that I want to be the one to make sure she stays safe.

          Mike walks over to us and hands us both a can. I don’t open mine right away. I just watch as Jo, still crouched, eats hers fast and stands up. I see her making her way to the truck slinging her rifle over her shoulder before making her way to the other side of it. God damn it. There’s no way I’m letting her keep watch tonight. She still needs to rest. I make my way over to my pack and grab the fork I keep in there. I scarf down my food watching as Tommy makes his way over to Jo.

          After a few moments I hear her laugh. It was short, but loud, and then I hear giggles. The fuck was Tommy saying to her? She’s been quiet for days, keeping to herself. Barely talking to any of us; only giving attention to Lucifer. If he wasn’t on the floor chewing on the toy I gave him he was nudging Jo to make sure she was still awake.

          When I finish my food I say goodnight to Tess and Mike and make my way over to my brother and Jo. When I walk up to them Jo is all smiles, holding onto my brother’s arm, and he’s looking at her like she’s made of gold. Something starts to boil in me, starting from my gut and sitting in my chest.

I stop in front of them looking from Jo’s face to her hand and back. “What are you doin’ Jo? I’m taking watch with Tommy tonight.” I narrow my eyes at them.

“No Joel, I’m taking watch tonight with Tommy. I haven’t done anything productive in days. I’m feeling better so I’m gonna help.”

“Well you look like hell. Go get some sleep.” I don’t like the way Tommy’s looking at her. On top of that her cut is looking irritated, most likely from moving around a lot. In a few days it should calm down but for now rest is what she needs.

“Joel what the hell man, that’s unnecessary. If she wants to keep watch she should.” Tommy says his arm reaching around and resting on her shoulders.

“She couldn’t hear a grown man stalking up behind her in an empty store. You really think she should be keeping watch over all of us while we sleep?” I look at my brother doing my best to ignore Jo. It’s like I told Tess earlier, try and make sure she’s comfortable and safe for now, and then when we hit Boston we won’t see her again.  

“That’s not fair Joel, things happ-.”

“No, things don’t just happen, Tommy. You either survive or you die. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed but anytime I keep watch no one dies and no one gets hurt.”

Tommy and I stare each other down. Then out of the corner of my eye I see Jo approach me, shoving the rifle in my chest. I can see the tears in her eyes she’s refusing to let fall. It makes my chest feel heavy and my throat start to close.  

“Here, just take it. It’s not worth the argument; night Tommy.”

“Goodnight sunshine.”

          The fuck is with the pet name? No one should be getting attached to anyone. Tess was different, she was alone. She doesn’t have anyone else but me and Tommy. I take my eyes away from my brother and watch as Jo walks away towards her sleeping bag. Watching as she bends over to grab something out of her pack before crouching down and getting into her sleeping bag.

“Don’t get attached Tommy, once we get to Boston we won’t be seeing them again.” I tell him my eyes still lingering on Jo’s figure; her back facing us.

“What the hell are you talking about Joel?” I turn to look at him my attention solely on him now.

“I mean, I see you flirtin’ with her and you’re just gonna end up hurt or hurtin’ her. Once we get to the QZ you, me, and Tess are going or separate ways from Mike and Joanne.”

“Who are you to decide that?”

“Because, I’m the one that’s been keepin’ us safe.”

“Fine then, if you’re the one keeping us all safe, you can take watch by yourself.”

          Tommy stalks off in a huff and climbs into his sleeping bag. I walk up to the front of the house that’s falling apart. The siding must have been white at some point. Now it’s covered in patches of green moss and dirt. The roof is caved in probably from rot. The front porch has seen better days, but over all looks like it could still hold some weight. There are old rocking chairs there facing the road and a small table between them.

          Before I had Sarah, I had always imagined meeting someone who would want to spend lazy Sundays sitting on the porch drinking beers or lemonade. Hosting family meals in the backyard during the summer holidays; watching our kids play in the pool; someone who laughed easily and smiled easier, who was the calm in the storm.  

          I look around for a while and deem everything to be calm, safe. I sit down on the porch steps and they groan under my weight. The night air is cool, the end of summer growing closer. I can’t get the look Jo had on her face out of my head. She looked so hurt earlier and I had caused that. I put my head in my hands taking a deep breath. I just have to keep reminding myself that all of this is temporary. A few more days and she’ll be a distant memory.

          Taking a deep breath and stand up I hike the rifle strap up higher on my shoulder and walk back to the fire to warm up a bit. Rounding the house and passing the truck I see the fire is low but alive. I see a figure sitting close to it, unmistakable long waves of hair flowing down her back. Her knees are pulled up slightly and her arms are resting on her knees, hands crossed over each other holding something resembling a bottle.

          When I reach the fire I stand next to Jo, put the rifle down, and sit down next to her mirroring her position. She doesn’t say anything, doesn’t spare me a glance; just takes a long pull from the green glass bottle in her hand. When she pulls it away from her lips I look at her face. The cut on her face is still swollen and red; the one on her neck is scabbed over now. I can see her eyes are glassy; the only thing I’m not sure of is if it’s because she’s holding back tears or if it’s because of the liquor.

“I’d ask if I can help you but, as you’ve pointed out I can’t help with anything.” She tells me staring into the fire taking another pull.

“Think maybe you’ve had enough?”

“Not even close.”

I sigh and shake my head side to side. “Well, would you mind sharing some?”

          Without words she hands me the bottle, still staring into the fire. I place the bottle to my lips and take a long drink. It’s an Irish whiskey of some sort but the label is so worn that I can’t make out what kind. I take one more drink and hand it back to her. I keep my eyes on her face taking in the curve of her nose, her dark siren eyes reflecting the flames, her hair as it waves down her back like a waterfall. She’s muscular while still being feminine, short but caries herself tall, confidence always pouring out of her like she had so much she couldn’t keep it all contained.

“I’m sorry, for earlier. I shouldn’t have said what I said.”

“Which time?”

“Both.”

“Hmm.” She bobs her head up and down contemplating what I said. “Well, what would you like me to say to you Joel?”

“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know I shouldn’t have said any of it. You can do whatever you like; no one should be holding you back. I just worry that you’ll make your injuries worse before we can get to the QZ. At least there you’ll have doctors.”

She takes the bottle from me and takes another drink. “I can understand that. Thanks for caring I guess.” Her voice is starting to sound thick. “Listen, I already feel like shit for everything that happened. I replay that day over and over in my head because there’s nothing else for me to think about, to do. You can think whatever you want about me, about how incapable I am or whatever else you think of me. I’m just asking you to keep it to yourself. I don’t think I can handle someone else’s voice adding to mine in my head. It’s already overwhelming as it is.”   

“I think-“

“Joel please, I really can’t.”

I watch her as a tear rolls down her cheek, then another. She goes to wipe them away and before it even registers to either of us, she wipes at the stitches. Gasping in pain she folds over on herself holding her face in her hands. Quickly I kneel next to her rubbing her back. The noises of pain she’s making are quiet but they’re there all the same.

“Hey, it’s going to be alright.”

“Fuck it hurts. It just won’t stop hurting.” A small sob escapes her lips. “I just want like an ice pack. Just something cold would be nice.”

“We should be able to get you something in a couple days Jo.”

“Joel.” She pauses; she puts her hands in her hair and stares back at the fire.

“What is it Jo?”

“No, nothing, it’s stupid, it doesn’t matter.” She moves away from me and stands up. I stand up with her putting my hands on her arms, turning her to face me.

“Jo, just tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”

“You’ll tell me it’s dumb.”

“I promise I won’t.”

There’s a long pause, she’s looking over my shoulder into the dark. I rub my hands up and down her arms trying to coax her to talk to me. Then, after a while she looks at me again, eyes glassy.  She opens and closes her plump pink lips a few times; no sounds escaping them. Then she clears her throat.

“I can’t even look at myself. I’m afraid to look at my reflection.” She looks down after she tells me.

          I take my right hand and place a couple of my fingers under her chin forcing her look at me. Her eyes dance around looking anywhere but my face. Her eyes moving so much it looks like she’s tracking a fly. I give her a moment to sit with what she’s said as I try to gather my thoughts.

“You have nothing to be worried about if that’s what you’re thinking.” She locks eyes with me then. “That scar isn’t going to take anything away from how you look, not now, not ever” I brush some of her hair out of her face and over her shoulder. “You don’t have anything to worry about. Just… get that smile of yours back on your face, would you? Maybe laugh obnoxiously loud again?”

“Yeah… I think I can do that.” A warm smile graces her face and her eyes sparkle with something uniquely her again; I give her a small closed lipped smile back.

“There she is.”

She gives me a giggle and places her hands on my chest. She rubs them back and forth for a second looking at them before she stops and looks back at me. “Well, I should probably get some sleep. Don’t think I should be keeping watch after drinking as much whiskey as I did.” She gives me a small chuckle. Her hands slide down my torso before she walks around me and grabs her bottle. “I’ll see you in the morning Joel.”

“Yeah, see you in the morning.” Suddenly I feel colder. Not even the warmth from the fire could keep me warm now; the ghost of her hands on me lingering for the rest of the night.   

Chapter Text

I want you. I don’t need you.

Chapter 8

          Stirring awake I scrunch my eyes closed against the small headache behind my eyes. With a small groan I lift my arms above my head stretching my arms and legs letting out a yawn. My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth and my throat fused together from dryness. I sit up propping myself up on one arm and look to the ground next to me. Sitting there is a bottle of water. I grab it and take greedy gulps from it, feeling the water slip down my throat, through my chest into my stomach.

“How’re you feelin’ this mornin’?” I turn my head to see Joel is still the only one awake. The sun looking like it just peaked over the horizon.

“Mmmm.” I groan throwing my head back a mixture of hangover and embarrassment floating through my brain. “Well… ya know… feeling… things…” I laugh under my breath rolling my eyes, climbing out of my sleeping bag.

“I bet.”

          Joel’s kneeling by his sleeping bag rolling it up and I follow suit. In an odd, unplanned synchronicity we both sling out packs over our shoulders and head to the truck to put them away. He throws his stuff in first and before I can start to throw mine in he grabs my sleeping bag from my hands and takes my pack off my shoulder. I tilt my head in question but he isn’t looking at me. I decide that there’s no reason to question it, he’s just being kind.

          Images of last night start rolling through my head like a poorly cut movie reel. Shoving the rifle in Joel’s chest, Tommy’s flirting, staring into the fire before the voice in my head got to loud and I started to drown it out with whiskey. Joel’s apology; the way he looked at me, his eyes burning into mine, his fingers feeling like fire under my chin. His shirt soft under my hands feeling the muscles under it as I selfishly ran my hands down his torso.

          He turns to look at me slamming the tailgate shut. The way he looks at me is like he’s trying to put a puzzle together without all of the pieces. For some reason a feeling of disappointment runs through my veins. I give him a small smile and put my hair up in a high ponytail. I turn my attention back to camp looking for Lucifer. Letting out a long whistle I look out to the tree line hearing a bark in return. Moments later I see him prancing towards us, tail wagging, tongue hanging out the side of his mouth like a cartoon character.

“Hey buddy! Good morning!” I tell Luci in a cheerful voice rubbing his face and giving his head a kiss.

“Come on, let’s go wake up the others and get on the road.” Joel says to me.

Then I feel his hand on my back gently guiding me towards the others. When we make it close to the dead fire Joel starts to turn towards Tess. I feel his hand grab the end of my ponytail letting my hair gently glide through his fingers. When I feel my hair drop against my back again I look over to him. He doesn’t look at me, doesn’t seem like he’s acknowledging what he just did, just crouches down to Tess and shakes her shoulder to wake her up.

          I turn to Tommy and shake his shoulder gently trying to wake him up. I see his eyes flutter and hear the sharp inhale of someone slowly coming to after a deep sleep. I stand up and walk towards dad patting him on the back. He wakes up with a start, shooting up half way to sitting up looking around. When he registers there’s no threat he relaxes and sits up fully rubbing the sleep from his face.

          Everyone slowly and grumpily packs up and files into the truck. I sit in the front, Joel behind the wheel, dad on my other side. The ride is relatively quiet save for Nirvana playing low and dad giving Joel directions from time to time.

          I glance over at the wheel, Joel’s hands at ten and five, holding it loosely with his fingers. Left arm propped up against the edge of the window. His posture is relaxed, slightly hunched over, eyes staying on the road. He looks like we aren’t driving through a world that’s been chewed up and spit out, but his eyes. His eyes are sharp; looking around the road and glancing at the mirrors every few minutes making sure there’s no danger around us.

          I don’t mean to stare but between last night and his hand on me this morning, running his fingers through my hair; I can’t help but watch him. His broad chest rising and falling, dark eyes dancing, the watch he always wore but never kept time. Then he looks at me, holding my eyes. I can feel my blood rushing up my neck, my ears growing hot, feeling pins and needles over my cheeks as I look back down to my hands folded in my lap.

          Time passes in relative silence, the sun starting to descend. Then we all see it. The sign that says ‘Boston 50 mi’ I sit up straighter in my seat. I look at dad who is nodding his head up and down breathing out a sigh. I look at Joel, suddenly his hands are fully gripping the wheel and he’s no longer slouching. He glances to me and dad then in the rearview mirror.

“We’re almost there guys, fifty more miles to go.” Joel says to everyone.

“Should we just keep driving then?” Tommy asks. Dad and Joel exchange glances.

“I don’t think showing up in the dark is the best move. Let’s make camp and we can be there by mid day tomorrow.” Dad says in a firm tone.

“Agreed they won’t be able to tell if we’re infected or just seeking refuge in the dark. They might shoot first and ask questions later.” Tess replies.     

          I take the map out of dad’s hands and look at it trying to find the nearest exit for us to make camp for the last time. When I find one I direct Joel until we come to an old gas station near the entrance ramp. We all grab our sleeping gear and packs and walk into the building.

          Rows of shelves that used to hold snacks are knocked over and trash litters the linoleum. I kick at the ghosts of snacks past making a spot for me to roll out my sleeping bag. I drop my pack and dig through it grabbing the flannel that’s now mine and pull it on. I button it about half way and roll the sleeves to my wrists. I tuck a stray hair behind my ear rolling out my sleeping bag.

          Mentally preparing myself for yet another boring night of doing nothing I let out a sigh. I sit down criss cross applesauce pulling my pack onto my lap I open up the outside pocket grabbing one of my books. Before I can even start the page I marked down I hear a pair of boots stop behind me. I twist my upper body to look at who it is, tilting my head up to look at them. Joel stands in front of me two rifles in hand.

“Here, keep watch with me tonight.” He extends his arm out offering me the rifle.

“Really? Doesn’t Tess want to keep watch with you?” He shrugs his shoulder.

“She’s going to drive tomorrow so I told her to get some sleep tonight.”

“Oh, okay!” I snap my book shut and stand up, bouncing on my toes slightly in excitement. I actually get to do something useful today.

“Let’s block the door with a couple of the shelves; we’ll stay in here tonight, no need to be outside.”

          I nod to him and grab the rifle from his outstretched hand slinging it over my shoulder. We move two shelving units in front of the door. Each of us taking one side and sliding it across the floor making a God awful screeching noise. When we both feel like it’s secure we take our spots at the front of the store. Joel leans up against the counter and I sit on it next to the old register.

          We dine on jerky and water tonight. Everyone else turns in early hoping to get an early start tomorrow so we can be at the QZ by mid day. I swing my legs back and forth feeling a little bored. I hum a tune, not any particular song, just noise to fill the silence. I glance over my shoulder to behind the counter looking at the empty cigarette holders and where lotto tickets sit untouched.

          There’s warmth on my thigh, something with weight that squeezes me. I look back over and look at Joel. My eyes find his; they’re dark and intense rendering me a statue. I stop humming, stop swinging my feet, waiting for him to speak. I glance down at his hand gripping my thigh like a life line. It’s not painful but his grip is claiming. My lips part slightly as my breath gets slightly heavier my belly tightening in anticipation, of what I’m not sure.

“Joel?” I say his name barley above a whisper; he clears his throat.

“Just ah, just pick one.”

“What?”

“Either kick your feet or hum. I can’t deal with both.” He removes his hand from my thigh; I already miss the feeling.

“Oh, yeah, sorry; I’m just a little bored.” I laugh a little still keeping my eyes locked on his searching for something, anything in his eyes that would convince me that he’s feeling the same magnetic pull I do.

“Well then go grab your book.”He tosses his head towards where I had left my book on the ground, eyes still not leaving mine.

          I place my rifle on the counter and hop down. Quietly I make my way over and pick it up before returning to my seat on the counter. I open it back up to where I had it earlier and start reading. I cross my feet at the ankles and swing my legs back and forth again. I can feel his eyes on me from time to time but I just keep reading.

“What book is that?”

I mark my spot with my finger and look up at Joel. “It’s a book of poetry.” I smile up at him.

“Read me a few pages?” He looks down at his feet, his eyebrows pinching together.

“Sure.” My smile growing larger; clearing my throat I start at the top of the page I had left off on. “I do not want to have you to fill the empty parts of me. I want to be full on my own. I want to be so complete I could light a whole city and then I want to have you cause the two of us combined could set it on fire.” I look over at Joel, his expression unchanged, I continue to read.

“He placed his hands on my mind before reaching for my waist, my hips, or my lips. He didn’t call me beautiful first, he called me exquisite.” I feel his eyes on me then, I turn the page. “The very thought of you has my legs spread apart like an easel with a canvas begging for art”

          I feel Joel move in front of me, his hands grip my thighs. I look up at him; his eyes intense locking on my own. I uncross my ankles, my breath hitches as he pushes my legs apart sharply coming to stand between them. My heart hammers in my chest, I can hear the blood running through my veins, and the smell of him intoxicates my senses. He smells of sweat, dirt, and grass.

          His hands slide painfully slow up my thighs with a gentle pressure. His thumbs pressing in deeper to the inside of my thighs the further up he goes. He squeezes me then, at the crease of my legs and hips, my heart flutters and a heat builds in my belly. He steps in closer and I put my book down by my side and place my hands on his chest feeling how his chest rises and falls heavily. His hands slide over my hips to my waist where he grabs handfuls of the flannel pulling me closer to his torso with a soft jerk.

          My eyes are half lidded from desire. I’ve forgotten where we are, my sole focus are his eyes, his lips. My back arches and my chest touches his; my breath begins to quicken. I become increasingly aware of the wetness between my thighs growing as he leans into me our noses nearly touching, his breath fanning over my face.

“This something you think about reading that book?” His eyes glancing between my lips and eyes.

“Sometimes.”

 He brushes his nose with mine, “You look good in my shirt.”

“I like wearing it. Especially now.” A ghost of a smile on my lips.

          Then there’s a cough. Joel steps away from me and I sit up straight closing my legs. We both look to where we heard the sound. We watch as Tommy gets more comfortable in his sleeping bag, settles, and lets out soft snores. I look at Joel my breath erratic at almost being caught, the feeling in my belly now tight from fear. He clears his throat looking down at the ground. He steps back to where he was standing earlier at the counter, grabs his rifle and walks away to lean on a shelf on the opposite side of the door. I sigh quietly, slouching, eyes watching him as he keeps his eyes trained out the windows in front of him; returning to my book now reading only to myself.

          When the sun begins to rise, Joel shifts his weight and walks over to everyone. He begins to shake everyone awake. I glance at him over my book watching the way his muscles move under his shirt. When he goes to turn back towards me I move my eyes back to the pages. I had been having such a hard time focusing on the words since he had touched me; been so close to… something. I can feel his eyes linger on me.

“Come on bookworm, time to pack up and get going.” Dad tells me packing up his stuff at the same time.

“Yeah, can do.” Talking barely above a whisper.

          I hop off of the counter to my things. Roll up the sleeping bag I never touched and put my book back in my bag. Rifle in my hand, sleeping bag in the other, and pack on my back I watch Tommy and Joel move the shelves we had put at the doors last night. Then as soon as the door is cleared I walk straight through, Lucifer keeping to my side. I don’t wait on anyone else. I throw my things in the back and make my way to the back seat.

          Tess goes behind the wheel; dad gets Luci between her and himself, Tommy and Joel sitting on either side of me in the back. I wasn’t expecting to be this close to Joel so soon after last night. My thigh is so close to his. Not touching but close enough my pulse quickens. The truck lurches forward and we make the final leg of our journey.

          After a little while of driving I glance over at Tommy. He’s rubbing his shoulders; probably sore from sleeping are the hard floor last night. Then I gather the courage to glance at Joel. His arms are crossed over his chest and he leans as much of his upper body against the door as he can, his head leaning on the window with his eyes closed. I can’t tell if he’s actually asleep or if he’s just trying not to look at me.

          Lucifer periodically peaking over his seat to look at me; when he did I would give him a scratch or a kiss. We’re only about ten miles out when I hear Tess curse under her breath. The truck starts to sputter, the music ceases, and the truck slows down, rolling to a stop. She puts her head on the steering wheel and taps it down a few times.

“You’re fucking kidding me right? Did we just run out of gas?” I ask leaning forward poking my head over the seats to look at the gas gage.

“Yeah… yeah we did…” She replies to me with a sigh.

“Shit.” Tommy mumbles under his breath.

          I sit back down with a huff and look over at Joel who hasn’t responded at all. Well, that answers the question of whether or not he was sleeping. I twist myself in my seat and rub my hand over his upper arm and shoulder. His eyes dart open fixing on my face. He doesn’t move but his eyes narrow. Feeling like maybe it’s because I was touching him more intimately then he was comfortable with I pull my hand away.

“We ran out of gas, we’re about ten miles out from the QZ. We’ll have to walk the rest of the way.” My voice coming out softly afraid I had upset him somehow.

          He nods his head sitting up straight and opening his door. Tommy was already out and grabbing his pack. To my surprise Joel is standing there, not necessarily keeping the door open for me but also looking at me expectantly. So I slide over and exit the same way Joel did. I close my eyes and stretch my arms over my head trying to alleviate my tight muscles. When I’m satisfied that was the most relief I was going to feel I fling my arms down to my sides and I open my eyes. Before I even started moving I felt a wide palm at the small of my back gently guiding me to the tailgate; but once we were in view of everyone else it was gone.

          Joel hands me my pack and I sling it over my shoulders. I let out a long whistle and Lucifer is tight to my side. I look down making sure my boots were still tied then to my hands. The flannel sleeves were hanging a bit low so I rolled them up to my elbows; then finally I made sure my hair was still secure. After a few minutes of us all checking our weapons and packs we make our way down the paved road and towards the QZ.

Chapter Text

I want you. I don’t need you.

Chapter 9

          The weather is pretty mild today. Not a whole lot of sun poking through the clouds. Just enough wind to keep from sweating too bad while we walk. Dad has taken point, rifle over his shoulder. Joel and Tess walk together behind him and I walk next to Tommy with Lucifer a little ahead of us. Some stray hairs tickle my face and no matter how many times I try to push them away they just keep falling back down.

          There’s heaviness between all of us; an anticipation of finally making it to our destination, an anxiousness that at any moment infected could come after us. And I don’t know about anyone else, but, my teeth are clenched so hard I feel like they’re going to crack and my head feels like its splitting open like a melon. Then on top of all that my brain’s been working overtime these last two hours of walking. I keep glancing at Joel trying to figure out why he seems so hot and cold. One moment he’s kind, guiding me with his hand, touching me. Then the next, he’s looking at me like I’ve done something wrong, creating distance between us, not even looking at me.

I know we haven’t known each other for long but when he looks at me, touches me, I feel like I’m the only one in the room. It’s like I’m the only thing that matters. Then when his mood switches I get so self conscious. I feel embarrassed, like I’m the one imagining things, like I’m over stepping a boundary I wasn’t even aware was there to begin with. He hasn’t even spared me a glance since his hand left my back earlier today.

I’m spiraling. Yep, there’s no reason to be thinking this hard about all of this. The world is crazy, emotions run high, sexual feelings happen. We barely know each other. It’s better not to get attached. We probably won’t be seeing much of each other, if at all once we get to the QZ.

“Hey sunshine.” Tommy nudges my shoulder with his. “Whatcha thinkin’ about?”

I look over to him, his smile infectious, so I smile back at him. “Oh, I’m not thinking of anything really. Just that my feet hurt and I’m ready to just fucking be there already.” Laughing a little; kicking a pebble on the ground.

“Well then we must be twins because I was just thinking the same thing!” He laughs softly looking ahead of him again.

“Have you ever lived in a QZ before? Dad and I never have.”

“No, Joel and I haven’t we uh, we made it to one of the old Red Cross stations the first couple of days after outbreak but we didn’t stay. It was just all chaos and we figured we would be better on our own. Which in some ways we were, some ways we weren’t.”

I hummed and nodded my head looking at Joel’s back. “Are you nervous? Living in a glorified cage?”

“No, not really. There’re pros and cons to both. I think that at least having walls around us makes it a bit safer at least.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right. That’s why dad and I started making our way here. The cottage wasn’t really safe anymore. Or at least it wasn’t going to be safe for much longer if we had stayed.”

          Joel glances back at us over his shoulder. A hard look in his eyes; finding his brothers first and then mine before turning his head back. Silence came over Tommy and me again. Although it was nice to have someone around I can have an easy conversation with. He doesn’t have any expectations of me and he’s easy to read. Then in the distance I see tall walls and a gate. Far away enough it looks like a mirage but close enough to know we had made it; finally.  

“Holy shit…” I whisper.

I start running up through everyone in front of me Lucifer hot on my heels. I run past Joel and Tess, past my dad and keep running until my breath becomes ragged. I come to a slow stop resting my hands on my knees and taking deep breaths. Lucifer is dancing around me just happy to be running around I’m sure. The walls and gate are clearer now. Staring at it now fills me with hope and excitement; but also dread with the unknown.

I look behind me; everyone is still just walking up to where I stopped. Breathing deeply I turn my attention back to the walls. I play with Lucifer for a few minutes while the group catches up. When they get close Tommy jogs up to me and wraps his arms around me pulling me into a tight hug. We both laugh at each other as he spins us around. Then after a few seconds he releases me and we continue on our way.

 We all walk closer together as a group, excited but unsure of the greeting we’ll end up getting. Only a few feet away from the gate we hear a voice come over a loud speaker. “Drop any weapons!” We all look to each other and shed what’s visible. I unclasp my thigh holster and slip my pack off my shoulder. Shoving it and my pistol in there as far down to the bottom as I can; praying they don’t dig through it.

Then the gates open, FEDRA soldiers spill out, assault rifles pointed at us, dawned in bullet proof vests and helmets. They motion us to walk inside the gates. There, they take our packs from us and file us into a room. It’s dark and dingy, smelling of mildew. The wetness of the air dampening my skin making my clothes stick to me like a second skin. I unbutton the flannel and wrap it around my hips tying the sleeves in a tight knot. A door on the opposite side of the room creaks open.

“One at a time.” It’s a demand and we all look at each other.

“What for?” My dad asks.

“Physical. If you’re deemed safe you’ll gather your belongings and get an assigned domicile.”

“I’ll go first.” Dad says already walking towards the soldier.

          About twenty minutes later the same soldier comes back a simple ‘next’ is all he says. Tess walks forward and disappears. Some time passes and again he comes back. Tommy goes with him this time. I crouch down and Lucifer sits down in front of me his back to my chest as I hold him. My nerves are on fire right now. What happens if you don’t pass their physical? Do they throw you back outside? Kill you? My mind is racing with all the possibilities and I let out a stressed out sigh.

“It’s going to be okay Jo.” Joel whispers into the air.

“You don’t know that.”

“Yeah, yeah I do.” He walks up next to me, not close, but not far away. “There’s nothing for you to worry about. I’m sure they’re just checking if we’re infected. None of us are. We’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, yeah you’re probably right.”

          The door opens again and I look at Joel expecting him to go next. Instead I see his hand out stretched towards mine. I grab it and he gently lifts me to a standing position. He looks in my eyes and I can see the reassurance in them. He wouldn’t be put me in danger. He guides me to the soldier, gives my hand a small squeeze, then his hand is gone.

          Lucifer and I follow the soldier down a hallway to another room. There’s a chair there with straps at the arms and legs. A few FEDRA soldiers are stationed around the room and another with their back facing me at a table. My stomach clenches in anticipation as I’m made to sit in the chair. When my hands get strapped down Lucifer starts to growl; with a click of my tongue he sits and goes quiet.  

           The soldier at the table turns around with a device in their hand. Placing it behind my ear there’s a sharp pinch. A light turns green and I’m being released from the restraints. Standing up straight I tap the side of my leg and Lucifer is tight to my side. Leading us through another hallway we turn into another room. There on a table I see two packs. Mine and Joel’s; it doesn’t look like they’ve been touched at all. I pick mine up and sling it over my shoulder. Turning back to the soldier he holds out his hand with different colored slips of paper in them.

“These are ration cards. You get fifty to get you started. After that you’re on your own to work jobs around the QZ to earn more. You are not permitted to go in and out of the QZ without prior authorization. We do not tolerate violence, stealing, or the selling of illegal goods. Resistance against FEDRA, unauthorized exit or entry of the QZ, and murder is punishable by death. Do you understand what you’ve been told?”

“Yes.”

He hands me another bag, a piece of paper, and a key. “These are some essentials and this is the address of your new home. Welcome to Boston.”

          He opens up the door to the outside. The light blinds me for a moment. The smell of the city not nearly as fresh as outside of these walls; its dense filled with smog and something rotting. As Luci and I walk out of the building I see the rest of our group standing in a circle. Joining them we all wait for Joel before we make our way to our new homes. Once he exits and joins us we all huddle together.

“Alright, so where is everyone living now? I’m in area five, building six number three twelve.” Tess says.

Then Tommy, “Area five, building six number two oh two.”

Dad, “Area five, building six number three fifteen.”

Joel, “Area three, building two number six oh seven.”

Then me, “Area three, building two number six ten.”

          Joel and Tess exchange glances before looking at the rest of us. Dad and I exchange hugs saying that we’ll see each other soon. That the space is going to be a good thing for us. I hug Tommy and he tells me he’d see me soon. Tess and I exchange pleasantries not really growing close to each other over the time shared. Tommy and Joel hug, he shakes hands with my dad; then pulls Tess aside for a moment, exchanging quiet words before he turns to me and motions his head to follow him to our building.

          The streets are overly crowded. I’m nearly bumping into someone every fifteen seconds. Lucifer stays behind Joel and I and I keep glancing over my shoulder to make sure he’s still there. There are so many wires going from building to building they look like manmade vines, crossing and tangling over themselves.

We’ve been following signs that are marked ‘Area 3’ with arrows pointing us in the right direction. Looking all around myself aware that there could be danger at any corner, that someone could jump out and take everything from me, hurt me. I try to keep a brave face but my anxiety is rippling through me like a tsunami.

          Then I feel a hand at the back of my neck. A steady pressure made more for comfort than anything else. I glance over at Joel. His head is straight forward but his eyes are narrowed glancing all around him without making it obvious. I look down at my feet, walking steady next to him, a feeling of humiliation runs through me for being so obviously nervous.

          I look back up then and take his hand off of my neck. As much as I miss the heaviness and warmth that he provided I need him to understand he doesn’t need to take care of me. I’m on my own now; no dad and no Joel. I’ll earn my keep here by myself; I’ll learn how to thrive here, by myself.

          We walk into the building marked with the number three, the door creaking closed behind us. It’s unsettlingly quiet in the lobby of the building. Cracked tile beneath our feet, cobwebs in the corners of the ceiling, old picture frames dusty and hanging crooked on the walls. Joel walks up to an old elevator and presses the button. He looks up to where it should light up with an arrow but there’s nothing there. He presses it a few more times before sighing and giving up on it.

“So they have electricity but not enough for a damn elevator. Guess we take the stairs.” He walks over to the door marked ‘stairs’ and walks through.

“Great, I get cardio for the rest of my life.” I roll my eyes to myself. “Come on Lucifer.”

          We walk through the door and see Joel already walking up the steps. I look up and groan beginning the torturous climb up. By the time we make it to the sixth level my legs are burning, not used to this much climbing, my breath heavier than it should be. Walking I can do, stairs, my mortal enemy. We walk through the door and enter a hallway. We follow the sign pointing to where our apartments are. Joel stops at his, I walk a little further. We look back at each other, nod, and walk through our doors.

          When I walk in and close the door the first thing I see is green paint. It’s chipping off the walls, water stains on the ceiling. To my left there’s a table and two mismatched chairs in a little alcove. The table has pieces of paper under the legs to keep it balanced. To my right is a very small kitchen, an electric range and oven, a small refrigerator up against the wall.

Walking past that is a sparse living room. There’s a couch up against one wall, it looks worn out and dirty; an upholstered chair next to it in the same kind of condition, a book shelf on the opposite wall completely bare. To my left there’s a white door opened halfway. In there is a bed, larger than I had expected, and propped up with plywood and cement blocks. I put my bags on the mattress and Lucifer jumps up on it and lies down.

The room itself has the mattress and a dresser but other than that there’s nothing else in it. The paint in this room is lilac. It makes me smile even though the paint is chipping off here too. There’s a small window behind the bed looking out to the crowded streets. To my left again I see another white door fully opened. It’s a small bathroom with cracked yellowing tile, a shower with a built in tub, and a sink bigger than the one at the cabin.

The first thing that comes to my mind that I should do in my new space is take a shower. I walk back over to the bag I was given upon entry and dig through it. There are sheets with small blue flowers on them, toothpaste and a toothbrush, deodorant, a grey towel, a very flat pillow, and small bottles of soaps marked ‘shampoo’ ‘conditioner’ and ‘body wash’. I plop the sheets on the bed to put them on after my shower and gather what I need.

I walk in and put my bathroom supplies on the counter of the sink and turn to the shower. Turning the handles takes a bit of strength but eventually I get them to turn and the shower head sputters out water. I reach my hand out after a minute to test the temperature. It’s cold, so I turn down the cold water knob. Even as I continue to test it the water stays relatively cold. When I completely shut off the cold water and turn the hot water all the way up it gets to be lukewarm. Better than nothing I guess.

I undress leaving everything on the cold tile floor and take out the elastic in my hair putting it on my wrist. I step in and even though the water is lukewarm it still feels cold on my skin until I adjust. I let the water run through my hair and down my back. Tilting my head back I feel the water run over my face, my wound no longer hurting. I lathered up my hair and body finally getting clean after all that time on the road seemed almost sinful now.

Once I step out of the shower I dry off. The reflection in the mirror over the sink stares back at me. Finally looking at my face I clench my teeth. The wound is jagged and ugly, the stitches rendering my skin red and puffy. I will be having dad take them out soon and I’m thankful that baldy didn’t cut my eye. I run my fingers through my wet hair sighing before ripping my eyes from my reflection.

 I make my way to the bed reaching for my pack and dig out underwear, jeans, a black t-shirt, and socks. Already feeling dirt and debris sticking to my feet I make a mental note that I’ll need to get a broom at some point. Once I’m dressed I put the white sheets with little blue flowers on them on the mattress with the flat pillow and empty out my pack on the bed.

I thank the God I don’t believe in that FEDRA either didn’t search my bag or they’re really bad at it because my gun and holster tumble out. I open the dresser drawers and there’s peeling blue and white striped paper clinging to the insides. I put away my clothes and hide my gun between shirts. I pop on my boots, grab my key and ration cards heading towards the door. Luci stares at me by the kitchen table tilting his head back and forth in question. I tap my leg and he prances up to me.  

          We step out of the door and I lock it behind me. I take a deep breath and face the hallway making my way to the stairs. Thankfully down is so much easier than going up. I walk through the lobby and out to the streets. Glancing to my left and right before making the decision to go to the right, feeling less claustrophobic now that I’ve walked these streets once before. I look around to see if there are more people walking one way or another, hopefully marking a sign of a market or something like that.

After a while of walking around I start to smell something cooking. It doesn’t smell great but it does smell like food. I pat my leg again and Lucifer is so close to me he touches my leg, never straying. There are stalls lined up down the street, some with steam billowing out, others with clothes hanging, and others with food.

I walk up to one looking at the table. There’s rice, dried beans, jerky, and other nonperishable foods. I pick up a small bag of rice and beans and walk over to the woman in charge of the stall. She charges me five ration cards for them. Forgetting to bring something with me to carry whatever I was going to buy I just hold them in my hands. Walking to another stall I see a small black backpack. Nothing fancy, only one main pocket and one outside pocket, just enough to carry things around the QZ, it costs me ten ration cards but it’s well spent.

By the end of my shopping trip I had gotten my backpack, rice and beans, a couple of plates and bowls, utensils, a pot and pan, and some squirrel meat for Lucifer. I spent all of my ration cards today but it was necessary. Hopefully I will have enough rice and beans for tomorrow too. I decide that I’ve had enough wandering for the day and it’s time to get some dinner started. So Luci and I make our way back to our building.

When we get there we head immediately to the stairs. Lucifer runs up one flight of stairs fast and at the landing stops, looks at me, waits for me to go up the next flight and runs again. This continues until we make it to our floor, laughter bubbling out of me as I shake my head at his enthusiasm. Walking down the carpeted hallway we pass Joel’s door. I glance at it wondering what he was up to right now. Pausing for just a second thinking of knocking, see if he was hungry at all, then deciding against it and walking to my door. As I put my key in I hear a door open, I whip my head at the noise. There stands Joel locking his own door.

“Hey Joel” I wave to him.

“Oh, hey.”

“Just went to the market, or whatever you want to call it. I’m sure they have a few of them around here.” I laugh nervously, rubbing the back of my neck as Luci walks up to Joel for a head scratch.

“You already went out?”

“Yeah, had to get something to eat for tonight you know?”

“Right, well, I should go. I’ll see you two around.”

“Yeah, of course, see you around.” I scrunch my brows together and walk through my door calling for Lucifer.

          Locking the knob and sliding the chain lock I turn to the dining room table and place down my backpack filled with today’s goodies. I take out the pot and fill it with water putting it on the stove to start boiling. The two plates and bowls I got don’t match. One bowl is a light blue, the other yellow, both different sizes. The plates were the same size at least; one thicker with red around the edge. The other filled with roses and thinner, most likely from an old tea set.

          I start my dinner and cook up the squirrel for Luci. His food doesn’t take as long as mine and I chop it up into one of the bowls, putting it on the ground for him. When he’s done I place it in the sink and realize I don’t have any soap. I look in the cabinet under the sink just in case and low and behold way in the back corner is half a bottle of soap. I’ll wash everything by hand until I can make enough ration cards to by more things around here.

          When my food is done cooking I grab a plate and a fork and sit down at the table. One thing that I won’t give up on is having dinner at the table every night if I can help it. The normalcy of it relaxes my muscles and I sigh in content. Lucifer is on the couch already sleeping. The food is warm in my belly and I’m relatively full. I lean back in my chair and look around. It’s not much, but it’s mine. Then there’s a knock on the door.

“Hello?” I call out from my chair, not expecting anyone to be over tonight.

“It’s me.” I hear a male voice call out. I furrow my eyebrows and walk over to the door.

“Joel?” I ask him opening the door up completely motioning for him to come in. “Something wrong?” He steps into my apartment slowly looking around.

“No, nothing’s wrong. I just uh, I saw something and thought you might want it.”

“Oh? What would that be?” I cross my arms over my chest with a giggle just now realizing he had his hand held behind his back.

“Coffee.” He whips his hand out from behind his back and produces a pretty good amount of ground coffee in his hands.

“Oh my God!” I squeal out of happiness. I grab it from his hands and open the zip lock bag, sticking my nose in it and inhaling deeply. “It smells so good!”

“Figured you’d like some.” I see a small tug at the corner of his mouth.

“Thank you so much Joel, I really appreciate it.” I give him a big smile wanting to give him a thank you hug but figuring it’s probably best not to. “Wait how much did this cost you?”

“It didn’t cost me anything.”

“Wait what?”

“Don’t worry about it Jo, wouldn’t tell you the price anyway.”

“Joel, they literally warned us about stealing and all that other shit not just a few hours ago and you’re already breaking their rules?” Frustration laced with every word.

“Listen Jo, if it makes you feel any better I did pay for the coffee. I’m just not going to tell you how much it was.”

“Right, well, that’s fair. I already spent all of my ration cards today and I’m not nearly close to having this place totally livable yet.” I chuckle. “Thank you again Joel. I’ll be treating this like gold.” I smile wide.

          He hums in response looking down at the ground. His hands clench and unclench at his sides. His eyes narrowing not in a way that made me feel like he was mad, but more like he had something he wanted to say but was fighting with himself on whether or not he should say it. Then he nods and turns towards the door, hand on the handle where he pauses.

“Make sure when you go out you have Lucifer with you, or at least one of us okay? I don’t like the way a lot of these people look around here.”

“Yeah of course Joel, I can do that.” Then with a final nod of his head he opens the door and walks out.

Chapter Text

I Want You. I Don’t Need You.

Chapter 10

          Coming to this morning is a little jarring. Waking up to a new room, a new place just gave me enough of a panic to wake me up with a start. My heart wouldn’t stop racing for a while before calming down. There are noises I haven’t heard in years coming from the streets. The sheets are soft and the bed is comfortable enough I could stay here all day. The sun is still coming over the horizon and I know I need to get moving before too long.

          I walk into my bathroom and tie my hair up into a ponytail and splash my face with cold water. I change into clean jeans, a pink tank top with a black zip-up hoodie over it. In the kitchen I get myself a glass of water and fill up Lucifer’s bowl with leftover meat from last night. When he finishes I put on my boots, grab my key, and head out the door. I tap my leg making sure he stays close to me and we’re off to try and find some work.

          I wonder around a little bit going down the opposite way I had yesterday. Looking for anything resembling some place to sign up for work. After about half an hour of walking I give up. I start to look for the first person I think will be friendly enough to point me in the right direction.

          Slowly Lucifer and I make our way through a market looking around. The market looks relatively like the other one I had been at yesterday just not as crowded. I see a middle aged woman talking to a younger woman to my right and I walk over to them.

“Hey, sorry to interrupt but I’m looking at where to find work around here?” I smile at them, the tips of my fingers on Lucifer’s head.

They look me up and down, “You new here?” The middle aged woman asks.

“What gave me away?” I say sarcastically back with a smile.

“Sugar, you really shouldn’t be down this alley, ain’t no good come from here. ‘Specially from a young girl like you.”

“Well, you point me in the right direction and I’ll be on my way.”

“Mhmm, well, go back out the way you came keep going straight for a couple blocks. Follow the smoke. You’ll find some officers there. They can help you out with all that.”

“Thanks a lot guys, I appreciate it. Have a good day!” I wave to them and turn to leave.

“Hey! Sugar!”

“Yeah?” I turn my head and shoulders to them.

“Best you don’t be so friendly round here. Folks take advantage of girls like you.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

          Lucifer and I continue on walking in the direction the older woman told us to. Mulling over her words as odd as they were, seemed a gentle warning. So I steel my face and keep my eyes vigilant. I can see now what Joel was talking about last night. Now that I’m really paying attention, I can see how on edge a lot of people are here. The desperation is tangible.

          I can hear children crying, men arguing, even seedy exchanges going down in the shadows. I see FEDRA soldiers on top of all of the buildings, their assault rifles trained on all of us on the ground. Some people you can see on the old porches of apartment buildings, most of them deformed in some way or another. Whether they were born that way or by unfortunate circumstances I’m not sure. 

          Finally I see a group of FEDRA officers around a table with people in a line. I pray beyond all hell that there’s a decent job that I can work. The line is long but it does move pretty fast. By the time it’s my turn the officer in front of me looks bored and annoyed.

“I’m looking for some work. I was told to come here.” I tell him biting my lip a bit.

“Yep, well,” he looks at some papers, “we have room at the burn pit, but you seem like you’ll break your back doing that. There’s janitorial work at the hospital you’ll probably be more suited for but that’s all I have left for today.”

“Which one pays more?”

“The burn pit, but you don’t look like you could carry more than fifty pounds.” His eyes roam over my body.

“I’ll be fine. Just send me on my way.” Crossing my arms at him, even if I can’t lift what he’s talking about I’ll figure it out.

“Alright, whatever you say.”

          He pulls out a piece of paper, stamping it and signing it. He points me in the right direction and Luci and I make our way to the job. When we arrive I find out that this is where all that smoke in the air comes from. It smells like an ashy barbeque. I walk up to another officer who’s taking other people’s papers before sending them through an open gate. When it’s my turn the officer looks me up and down just like the last one did. He holds his hand out to me and I give him my paper. He looks at Lucifer then.

“Dogs gonna have to stay by the walls. Can’t be following you around in there, gotta clean up after it too.”

“That’s not a problem.”

He nods, “Alright. When you walk in you’ll see trucks, in the back of them you’ll unload it, take what’s in there and toss it into the burn pile. When the whistle blows once you’ll scoop the ashes to dispose of them. When the whistle blows twice you’re done for the day. Just follow the others and you’ll figure it out.”

“Thank you.”

“Next time, bring something to cover your nose and mouth.”

          I nod and make my way toward the gate. I see not too far from me, workers are already unloading trucks, dumping what’s in their arms into the low but very hot fire. I point and whistle to Lucifer at a wall a few feet from the gate. I go ahead and take off my sweatshirt and wrap it around Lucifer so people know he’s not a stray.

          As I walk towards the trucks and I see a new one pulling through. With a small jog I meet it just as it gets done parking. I undo the chains and open the tailgate. The sight I see makes me still. Its bodies of all different shapes and sizes, hands and feet bound, makeshift sacks tied around their heads. Someone slams the driver side door shut and walks over to me.

          It’s a man about six feet tall. He has straight blonde hair reaching his shoulders, muscular but not in an obvious way, and bright blue eyes. He pulls down the green bandana from his face revealing a short beard that’s a slightly darker blonde than his hair.

“You alright there?” His voice is deep and rich.

“Yeah, sorry, no one told me what we were burning.” I shake my head reaching in to grab the legs of a woman, he grabs under her arms. We make our way to the pit and throw her in with a loud thunk.

“Yeah they tend not to. They don’t want to scare anyone off from doing it. They figure once you’ve done it for a full day you’ll just get used to it. Plus, this job is the one that pays the best around here, not that it’s much anyway.”

“Yeah that seems to check out,” I chuckle and we grab another body, “how much do they pay us anyway?” Another thunk as ash billows around us making me cough.

“We get thirty cards per day. Sewer maintenance makes twenty seven. All the rest are around twenty five give or take. Trust me they could pay us more if they wanted to but FEDRA makes sure their soldiers are well paid and well taken care of.”

“With how expensive everything is seems like we’re barely able to survive on what they give us. I just spent fifty yesterday and I still have so many things I need.”

“When it was still the U.S. government everything was taken care of. Food, water, clothing, but then FEDRA took over. That’s when ration cards came about, those who were just entering the QZ would get a hundred ration cards to start with, it’s been getting smaller ever since.”

          We chatted for a while longer hauling around fifteen bodies. I learned his name is Brad. He told me to get there earlier tomorrow to meet up with him. That way we can gather and dump the bodies together and give ourselves a break by driving the truck a few times during the day. I learned that not all of the bodies were from infected. Some of them were those from the QZ who got sick and died, died from old age, and sometimes from complications at the hospital. Apparently there are no shortages of bodies around here.

          At the end of our day I’m covered head to toe in ash. Even if I wanted to dust myself off it wouldn’t work. The sweat on my skin makes the ash turn more into a paste. I whistle to Luci and Brad is surprised to see him. Then the three of us make our way to the line to get paid.

          After the first few bodies I had grown numb to the work. It’s grueling, hot, and nauseating from the smoke and stench. However, being distracted talking to Brad and at times in my own thoughts, helped a lot. I’ve been trying to figure out what I needed to get before I head home. Food for Luci, I have enough beans and rice for one more meal, rags for the kitchen, a hanky for my face tomorrow. Knocking me out of my thoughts again is Brad placing a hand between my shoulder blades calling out my name.

“Oh shit it’s my turn.” I laugh a little.

The officer stamps some papers, hands them to me, and then my ration cards. I wait for Brad and we start walking together, him on my right, Lucifer on my left. He asks me how I was able to train Luci with just sounds and hand movements. My response? I was bored and had nothing but time. His smile is nice, perfect white teeth and full lips. He laughs easily but it’s not boisterous. All in all he seems like he’ll be a good friend here.

“Well, I’m going to head to the market and get this guy some food for dinner before I head home.”

“Sounds like a plan, I’ll see you tomorrow! Bright and early!”

“You got it! See you then.” We both smile at each other and split in two separate directions.

          I pass my building and make my way to the market I’m familiar with. I go to the same meat guy as yesterday. He only has rat today but I doubt Lucifer will mind much. I walk over to another vender with clothing hanging up and inquire about a bandana or something like it. The man behind the table pulls out a few and shows them to me. Out of all of them I pick the tan one, it looks worn out but soft. After that we make our way home.

          Lucifer makes a beeline to the stairs whimpering a little. We go though the same routine we did yesterday on the stairs. When we finally make it to our flood I shake my head with a chuckle and open the door. The hallway walk is short, it smelling of old cigarette smoke and mildew. I glance at Joel’s door but I don’t pause at it today. When Luci and I make it back into our apartment I make him his dinner right away.

          I place the bowl down on the wood floor and I sit down at the kitchen table. After buying Luci his food and the bandanna I have twenty three ration cards left. After staring at them blankly for a few minutes before I stand up and walk to my door. I toe-off my boots and walk with socked feet to my bedroom. The only thing on my mind right now is trying to find a safe spot for my gun and savings.

          I open up all of my drawers, deciding that was too obvious of a spot I close them. I look under the bed but find nothing. The bathroom isn’t a safe place either. Then I look at the floor of my room. The wood floor panels are worn and have seen better days. When I go to walk from the bed back to my door I hear a creek. I pause. I shift my weight back on it. It groans under my weight. That’s what I need.

          I go back to the kitchen and grab one of the knives I bought yesterday. I jam it in between the panels. I give it about ten minutes of work before I sit on my ass with a huff. The damn thing is too thick to get up under the panel to lift it up. I toss the knife to the floor and stand up. I walk back over to the table, gather my rations and put them in my front pocket. Still in my socks I walk through the front door and walk to Joel’s.

          I walk up to his door and pause. I take a deep breath wondering if this was a good idea or not. But I need his help, he used to work construction, he’ll know what to do. So I knock. I wait and listen but I don’t hear any footsteps. I knock again and wait. This time I hear footsteps coming to the door. They’re heavy and pounding on the floor. The door rips open and standing there breathing deeply is Joel. He looks disheveled, his curly hair in a mess, no shirt revealing his toned chest and abs, jeans hanging low and not buttoned. My breath catches in my throat.

“Hey, sorry I didn’t mean do interrupt… whatever you were doing,” I clear my throat, “I was just wondering if you could help me for a minute?” I ask him pointing a thumb over my shoulder towards my apartment.

“What are you covered in?”

I look down on myself realizing I still hadn’t showered off the dead that cover me in dust. “Walked by some fire pits today, pretty sure it’s just the ash.” I wipe at my clothes and face trying to remove any traces of what I had done today.

“That’s a lot of ash for a couple of fire pits.”

“I didn’t come here to talk about my appearance. Look, don’t worry about it I’ll figure it out. Have a good night Joel.” I go to walk back to my place when his hand grabs my arm and turns me to face him.

“What do you need?”

          I nudge my head towards my apartment and start walking towards it listening to Joel’s bare feet following me. I lead him to my bedroom and he stops at the door frame. Without really looking at him I cross my arms over my chest and point to the panel I was trying to rip up. I realize now, looking at it, that I had made some pretty decent marks on the wood. Making it a dead giveaway that something could be under it.

 “Well, now that I look at it, it’s probably not the best spot. But, I was trying to find a spot in the floor to make a hiding spot.” I look over at him and he has his hands in his front pockets, jeans buttoned now, and leaning is shoulder against the frame.

“Hiding spot for what?”

“Well, somehow I was able to get my gun in here and I don’t want to be caught with contraband. Plus I want to be able to save up ration cards.” As I’m talking to him I reach into my dresser and show him my gun and holster.

“Right, well” he steps in and crouches to look at my handy work, “you kind of chewed the wood up pretty good.” He stands and walks over to the other side of my bed. “That’s a pretty obvious spot too,” he continues to survey as he walks into my bathroom, “let me finish getting dressed and grab something and I’ll be back over.”

“Yeah sure,” I smile wide at him, “thanks Joel.” He nods back to me and heads back.

          A few minutes later I hear the door open and close, feet walking around with boots now. I hear him mumble something to Lucifer before walking back into my bedroom. He has something that looks like a thin chisel in his hands. He starts to walk around again, head moving all around as he assesses the space. He does the same with my bedroom, living room and kitchen. After some time and me following him around, he stops and turns to look at me.

“Well there aren’t a lot of great spots. But I think I have an idea.” He walks to my kitchen table and slides it out of the way.

“Don’t you think that’s a little too out in the open?”

“That’s the point. Under the kitchen table… well… is that somewhere you would think of looking if you were raiding someone’s place?”

“No I guess not… You hide a lot of stuff back in the day?”Letting out a breathy laugh.

 “Yes and no. Over the years I’ve found and made a lot of different hiding places.” He gets on his knees and drives the chisel underneath the panel.

          Much too easily he’s already removed two panels and put them aside. He stands up and I walk over to it. I place my holster and gun in there. Then I reach into my pocket and count out ten ration cards, fold them, and place them in there. Joel helps me put the panels back and we slide the table back over it.

“You’re small enough I would suggest that when you put things in there just crawl under the table. It’ll make scratch marks on the floor over time if you move it back and forth a lot. It’ll give you away.”

I nod my head up and down letting him know I understand. “Thanks Joel I appreciate it.”

“Mhmm… Jo?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you covered in ash?”

“I told you I walked by some fire pits today.” I don’t want him to know I was burning bodies all day.

“Don’t lie to me darlin’. You ain’t good at it.” He steps up to me only a foot or so of space between us.

“Fine… I found work today. We burn the dead. It pays the best. It’s really not that bad, I got used to it after a while. Plus I have a buddy there now too. He’s been around here for a long time. He’s kind of showing me the ropes a bit.”

          There’s a long pause between the two of us. It makes my stomach tie up in knots. His face is contorted as his hand rubs his face the other propped on his hip. He sniffs sharply as his removes his hand and stares at me.

“You bring Lucifer with you?”

“Yeah, said I would remember?”

“What’s his name?”

“The guy at work?”

“Don’t know who else I’d be askin’ ‘bout.”

“Brad, why do you want to know?”

“We can’t be trustin’ people here yet Jo, we’ve barely been here for a full day. Just be careful what you tell him.”

“Yeah I know Joel. I’m not stupid. I do have some survival skills. ”

“Sure. All twenty three years of living you know exactly what you’re doing eh?”

“Joel, it’s been a long day and I’m not going to stand here and argue with you. If you don’t see me as someone who can take care of themselves, that’s your problem. Now, if you don’t mind I’m going to shower off all the people I burned today and go to sleep.”

          I step past him and open the front door. He keeps his back to me as he pinches his eyebrows with his fingers. He stands hunched over a bit, hand still on his hip, then straightness up and walks to the door. There he pauses again.

“You eat today?”

“Yes Joel I ate. You don’t need to keep tabs on me.”

“Right.”

          Then he walks to his apartment, steps in and closes his door quietly behind him. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and lock my door. I walk to my bathroom, shed my clothes and take a long shower. My muscles are already sore and I know tomorrow it’s just going to be worse.

When the lukewarm water turns ice cold I finally get out. I drag my feet to the dresser and pull out underwear and an over sized t-shirt and crawl under the sheets. Lucifer is already on the end of my bed sensing that it was going to be an early night. Then, slowly, I start to drift off to sleep, Joel’s face haunting my dreams.

Chapter Text

I Want You. I Don’t Need You.

Chapter 11

          Over the last couple of weeks I’ve come to realize that I’m already starting a routine here. Get up early, eat breakfast with Lucifer, meet Brad at the pit, work, go to the market or meet up with dad or Tommy, go home, feed Lucifer, shower, bed. It’s monotonous and predictable but it’s not bad. The weather is starting to cool off now that it’s late August. Though working the pit still makes me sweat like I’m stuck in Hades.

          Today though I’m taking a break and going to the hospital to take out my stitches. After asking around to see how much it would cost, I finally made enough to get them out. It’s expensive, just like everything else around here, but I’d rather eat one meal a day then have to deal with these stitches itching any longer. Then after that dad, Tommy and I are going for some drinks. I don’t know if you could call it a bar necessarily but I’m sure it’s close enough.

          I’ve rarely seen Joel around since he came over to help me with my hiding spot. We’ve been passing each other from time to time in the hallway or stepping in or out of our apartments. I say hi as often as I can with a smile but he just greats me with a nod of his head or a grunt. I hadn’t realized how much I missed his presence every day until we became like ghosts passing each other by.

          Well today is not a routine day, so I’ve slept in. It’s probably midday by the time I open my eyes against the sun shining in through my window. I sit up and look around for Lucifer. He’s still lying down at the foot of the bed but his big dark eyes are staring at me expectantly. With a yawn I stretch my limbs and make my way to the kitchen. Again it’s leftover meat for him and finally some coffee for me.

          I had made a deal with myself that I would only drink one cup of coffee on special days. It’s a rare item to find in the QZ. I always peak around the market stalls for some just in case but still I haven’t been able to find any. Joel must have found the very last bag in existence here. So I take a small chipped dinner mug I bought the other day and placed a cheese cloth over it. I scoop some grounds on to it and slowly pour over the water I had boiled. It takes a few passes before I feel like I’ve brewed a decent cup of coffee.

          The smell is intoxicating. I cradle the mug between both of my hands letting the steam rise and caress my face. Closing my eyes I inhale again before taking a slow deep sip. The hot liquid warming me from the inside out, it’s the smallest of comforts but it makes my day off start on such a great note.

          I take my time drinking my coffee, sitting at the table listening to the sounds that filter in through the thin walls. When I finish I walk into the bathroom and look at my reflection. My wound, though it’s still red, isn’t puffy anymore, and other than it being itchy as all hell, doesn’t hurt anymore. Today I leave my brunette waves down. They flow down to my waist. I’ll have to find some scissors soon so I can trim it.

          I brush my teeth and wash my face, running my fingers through my hair a couple times to get rid of any knots that formed while I was sleeping. When I feel refreshed enough I walk over to my dresser and pull out an army green tank top and clean-ish jeans. Slipping on some socks and my boots I make my way to the kitchen table.

          I get on my hands and knees and crawl under the table. Taking out the panels of the floor I reach in and grab the ration cards I’ve been saving. I’ve been able to save up seventy while still making sure Luci eats twice a day. I only eat one meal a day and limit myself to one or two items for the apartment when I go to the market. It’s not an ideal way to live but, if I don’t I’d always end up with nothing at the end of the day. I count the cards one more time before putting the panels away and slipping the notes into my sports bra.

          I call for Lucifer and grab my key. The two of us step into the hall and make our way towards the stairs. Lucifer keeps close to me hearing footsteps ascending the stairs. By the time we hit the third level we cross paths with who’s been walking towards us. To my surprise it’s Tess.

“Oh! Hey there!” I greet her pausing at the landing giving her a smile.

“Hey Joanne, you’re looking well.” She steps up onto the landing, placing a hand onto the railing and one foot on the next step.

“Yeah, I am. Are you going to visit Joel?” I ask her stuffing my hands in my back pockets as I wait for her answer.

“Yeah, just catching up.” She tells me casually.

 “Oh that’s great!” I give her a toothy smile, “well I won’t keep you. Have good day Tess.”

“You too Joanne.”

          Luci and I follow the signs around the streets for the hospital. When I finally look up at the building there’s a janky looking sign that says ‘hospital’ on it; we walk in and the smell of antiseptic is almost nauseating, the sounds of moans and coughs echo through my ears. I walk up to the kiosk and write down my name on the clipboard. The woman behind it asks me what I’m there for and I inform her about my stitches. Apparently payment is upfront here if you aren’t actively dying. So I hand her the forty five ration cards and she hands me back a slip that says I’ve paid.

          I’m told to find a seat but as I look around the small waiting room everything’s occupied. So I lean up against a wall instead. The wait isn’t too long maybe twenty minutes before I hear my name being called. I follow the nurse through the door, down a squeaky hallway, to a chair behind a curtain. We exchange pleasantries but not much else.

“Hello there, I’m Dr. Yang, I’ll be removing your stitches today.” The older doctor explains pushing aside the curtain then immediately closing it again.

“Hey Doc.”

“Well, whoever stitched you up must have done it a few times. Looks like field work.”

“My dad did it. He was in the military a long time ago. Did a few tours in his time.”

“Makes sense leaves a nasty scar but it’s effective.”

          Slowly and methodically he starts to cut and remove the stitches. I’m finally feeling some relief and more like myself again. My shoulders, tense on the way here finally start to relax. The butterflies I had dissipate, worried that I was going to have to keep the stitches in longer than expected.

“Alright, looking good, it’ll probably feel tender for a while but otherwise you’re good to go Ms. Waters.”

“Thanks again Doc.”

          Walking out of the hospital was kind of freeing in a way. Though I’ll always have the reminder of what happened, I’ll no longer feel it at all hours of the day. Lucifer and I walk around the QZ. Just taking a stroll, not to buy anything, not to work, just enjoying the sun beating down on us while we can. I know Boston winters are harsh and I want to take in as much of the nice weather as I can.

          After a few hours I decide to head home. Lucifer and I turn down a street that’s probably a little seedier than the others. There are fewer officers around here and there are more places for things to go down. It seems like this was where a factory used to operate. I can see the large garage doors where trucks would drop off or pick up. Most of them are half open or were forced open one way or another.

          Old crates and palates are littered around the sides of the street, and some people are huddled together doing god knows what. Then my eyes caught something. Long brown hair half put up, shoulders pulled back in confidence and a green open button up. Tess. Next to her, short dark graying curly hair, dirty jeans, and sharp hazel eyes. Joel.

          I pause, not being very discreet watching them as they walk up to one of the garage doors. Tess ducks down and fades quickly into the darkness while Joel pauses and looks around. We lock eyes. I’m confused; I don’t understand why they’d be here. I start to walk towards him when he takes a step forward, eyes widening, and a sharp shake of his head. I stumble on my foot stopping mid stride. He shakes his head back and forth again, slower this time, before disappearing behind the door.

          After a few minutes of staring at the garage door, Lucifer and I make our way back to our place. When we do finally get there I go ahead and put on a light blue button up for later tonight when the weather gets a bit colder. I feed Luci a bit early tonight knowing I’ll be leaving soon. Until then I decide to sit on my couch with a book and read.

          After a little over an hour of reading I hear a knock at my door. I mark my page and stand up. As I open the door expecting Tommy and dad, I’m greeted by Joel. He has both his arms raised, hands gripping at the door frame. He looks tired, eyes not as sharp as I had seen them earlier. They look sunken and dull. Stepping back I hold out my arm with my palm up ushering him inside.

          I follow him as he sits down at the kitchen table with a groan and I sit across from him. It’s silent for a while. He stares at his hands, fingers threaded through each other, knuckles white. I stare patiently at him trying to give him the space to figure out whatever is bouncing around in his head. After some time though it’s clear he isn’t going to start the conversation.

“So, I ran into Tess earlier today on my way out.” I lean my elbows onto the table trying to broach whatever this was carefully.

“Yeah we had some work to do.” He still won’t look up.

“She had said you guys were just catching up.”

“We did. Then we had some work to do.”

“What kind of work is down an alley like that Joel?”

“We get things we can’t get here in the QZ.”

“I don’t understand,” I sit back in my chair arms folded over my chest. “I mean I know this place isn’t the greatest but there’s work, there’s food, clothing, shelter. What else do we need here?”

His eyes finally meet mine. “You’ve gotta trust me on this darlin’ there are things they don’t provide that people need.”

“Joel, I’m so confused, what kin-” A knock at the door cuts me off.

Then the door bursts open and Tommy barrels through. “Hey there scare face!” He laughs and pulls me into a hug. “How you feelin’ sunshine?” He holds my shoulders pushing me away a bit so he can take a good look at my face.

“I’m feeling good Tommy, hey dad.” I say with a small laugh peering over Tommy’s shoulder and seeing my dad.

“Hey Joel, what are you doing here? Gonna get some drinks with us to celebrate Jo getting her stitches out?”

“Oh I-”I start, glancing between Joel and Tommy.

“Yeah, we’re just waiting on you guys.” Joel answers and he gives me a look I couldn’t discern.

“Well kids, let’s get out of here then!” Dad says and we make our way out of my place, Lucifer staying behind.

          Tommy walks beside me, arm draped over my shoulders, dad walks slightly ahead to lead the way, and Joel walks on my other side. The road to the bar isn’t too long, maybe a fifteen minute walk. We fill the time making jokes, mostly scar face jokes, and laughing. Joel stays silent the whole time there. When we finally get there I notice it’s an older building tucked down an alley. There are people outside of it chatting loudly in groups, some smoking, others falling over each other. When we walk in it’s hot from all the people in there. I look around and see a table of people starting to stand up. I motion to the guys and we snag the seats that were left vacated.

          The table is small and the wood is dark, buckled from years of moister sitting on it for too long. But, there are enough seats around for all of us. Dad and Tommy go up and get some drinks for us leaving Joel and I alone for a moment.

“Didn’t think you were into things like this.”I give Joel an amused look just wanting to tease him a little bit.

“What drinking?”

“Celebrating.” I chuckle.

“Only for important things.”

“I hardly think me getting my stitches out counts. I think it’s more of an excuse to get drunk.” A large smile blooms across my face and I give Joel a wink.

“You’re not wrong.” A ghost of a smirk crosses his lips and fades immediately as Tommy and dad come back with drinks.

          Tommy had a bottle of whiskey in one hand, a beer in the other, and small glasses tucked into his arms. Dad is carrying the rest of the beers and they both unload their arms ungracefully onto the table. Joel and I help them disperse the drinks as Tommy pours liquor into the smaller glasses.

“To Scarface! The world is yours!” We all cheers and I give him shit for using a quote from the movie instead of making up his own.

          We all chat and joke around for a few hours. Talking about our jobs here and there, but mostly light things, even Joel chimes in from time to time. When the second round of beers run dry I tell everyone it’s my turn to buy a round. I make my way to standing when I see Joel does as well. Silently he grabs the empty glasses and waits for me to make the first move.

          Making our way to the bar is a bit tight and Joel sticks close behind me. When we finally make it to the bar I place my empty mug down and Joel presses up against my back putting down the empty mugs in his hands down on the bar. He keeps is left arm around me, hand gripping the bar, chest lightly pressed against my back. It makes me feel protected and safe as others belly up to the bar.

When the bartender comes around I order another round of beers. Glancing around I notice a familiar head of blonde hair. I keep my eyes trained on it until I see his head turn and I confirm it’s Brad. I call out his name and wave at him. His eyes find mine and he smiles waving back.

The bartender places down our drinks and before I can pull out my cards Joel’s already putting down some of his. I turn my head towards him with my eyebrows drawn together but he isn’t looking at me. He’s looking at Brad who’s making his way over to us.

“Hey! Look at you! You’re not Frankenstein’s monster anymore!” Brad laughs and we hug.

“Yeah, yeah, all of these jokes aren’t getting old at all.” I laugh back sipping my beer. I feel Joel’s hand that had been resting on the bar scoot closer around me.

“How’s your day off treating you?”

“It’s good! Hanging out with my friends and my dad, you wanna come over and join us?” Pointing with my thumb over my shoulder where our table is.

“Yeah I’d love to.” His smile showing his perfectly white teeth,
“Sorry man, don’t think we’ve met before. I’m Brad.” He extends his hand out to Joel.

“Joel.” He shakes Brad’s hand slowly.

“Well, let me help you guys take these drinks over yeah?”

          With the help of Brad we make our way over to our table. I sit in my seat between Tommy and Dad, Brad sitting across from me where Joel had been sitting before. I see Joel tap Tommy’s shoulder and motion for him to move. Tommy gets up, snags a new chair from another table while Joel sits next to me. Staring at Joel I give him a perplexed look while trying to figure out why he had Tommy move; but he keeps his eyes trained on Brad.

          I roll my eyes at Joel and introduce Brad to everyone. With the addition of Brad, conversation steered more towards him. Brad’s a chatterbox, he talks about his time in Boston, explains how we met working the pit on my first day, how he helped me figure out QZ life, and walks with me after work. I feel a brush at my back then fingers holding onto the outside of my shoulder. Joel’s arm is draped over my chair encircling me, his thumb making gentle circles on the back of my shoulder.

“Yeah, I’ve been working the pit so long they have me driving the trucks back and forth. It’s a nice break from time to time. Jojo’s lucky she decided to work with me her first day. Plus she’s not bad company; I think I’ll keep her around.” Brad tells everyone a smirk on his face before sipping his beer.

“Well I’m glad my kid has someone to talk to while she’s working.” Dad says in not a friendly tone but not unfriendly either.

“Jojo?” Joel says his eyes fixed on his whiskey. Spinning it around slowly with his fingers; speaking for the first time since we sat back down.

“Yeah Joel, it’s a nickname.” Turning my head to Joel, “I mean it’s not like Tommy doesn’t have a few for me.”

“Yeah, Sunshine I do, gotta tease you little sister.” Tommy says with a wink in my direction.

I turn my head around looking at my dad and the men I’ve grown closer to over a short period of time. Dad is leaning back arms crossed over his chest, face neutral, but eyes narrowed slightly. Tommy leans forward on the table on his forearms still chatting with Brad. Joel keeps his arm resting on the back of my chair; his face is blank and unwavering.

“No look I get it, I’m the new guy and you’re a protective group. But I promise I’m just a nice guy.” Brad says palms raised by his shoulders a smile on his face.

“No, we’re sure you are.” Tommy says leaning back into his chair a small smile on his face.

“Sorry kid, we’re still a bit new here. You know how it is.” Dad says with a chuckle taking a drink.

“Of course, if my family had still been around when the walls went up here I’m sure they would have been the same way.”

“So you walk Jo home after work?” Joel questions.

“Well, most of the way. She usually goes and shops for one or two things before she goes home. Although I always offer to make sure she gets to her building safely.”

“She’s got Lucifer for that.” Joel sips his whiskey.

“He knows Joel. I take him everywhere I go. What’s with the interrogation?”

“It’s fine Jojo, it’s what family does.”

“So… where do you live Brad?”

“Area four, close to the area three boarder.”

          After that dad turns the conversation to jokes and funny stories and I’m relieved for the subject change. Even though Joel is still tense next to me, Tommy and dad seem to relax. Brad never really seemed stressed out so that’s something. The stress I was feeling over their little interrogation lessens too.

          After another hour or so I’m starting to get pretty sleepy. I glance at the clock hanging crooked behind the bar seeing that it’s a little after ten. With curfew coming in about an hour we decide to call it. We all pick up our glasses and put them on the bar. Making our way outside to say our goodbyes; I hug my dad and Tommy thanking them for taking me out and telling them to get home safely.

“I’ll walk you home Jojo.” Brad says with a smile.

“Oh, actually Joel and I live in the same building so you don’t have to Brad.” I give him a large smile, “but I really appreciate it! Plus we’re in your area, no need to go out of your way.”

“Right…well, okay then.” His smile’s tight, “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

          We say our goodbyes and Joel and I start walking to our building. We walk close next to each other, arms brushing from time to time. The streets are basically empty with curfew coming in soon. Feeling the drinks in my system I end up tripping on my own feet. Joel reaches out and catches me by the waist and I start laughing.

“Easy darlin’. You’ll end up with more stitches in your face if you’re not careful.”

“Ha! Wouldn’t that just be hilarious! Get more stitches from celebrating too hard about getting my stitches out.”

“Wouldn’t call it hilarious.”

          We finally make it back to our building and when we push through the door that leads to the stairs, I stop. I look up at them and groan loudly not looking forward to the walk up. “I don’t wanna.” I tell Joel rolling my head back and to the side to look at him. I see a ghost of a smile and hear him huff a chuckle.

“Was that a laugh from you Mr. Miller?” Suddenly I’m bursting with energy.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about Waters. Come on, let’s go.” He starts making his way up the stairs.

“You think I’m funny don’t you?” My laugh echoes through the stairwell.

“I think you’re something else, that’s for sure.”

          I continue to laugh at Joel while we climb the steps. When we make it to our floor we make our way down the hall. Joel walks past his apartment walking me to mine. I unlock the door push it open, Lucifer greets me and I give him a few scratches behind the ear.

“Wanna come in for a night cap?” I ask him. “Still have some of that whiskey left over from when we were on the road.” He just stands there and stares at me. He doesn’t move, barley blinks and I feel like I’ve over stepped. “You know what, don’t worry about it. It’s late, I’m sure you’re ready to hit the hay.”

I look down and walk though my door, as I go to shut it Joel holds it open with his hand. He just walks on through past me so I slowly shut the door looking at his back. He shrugs off his flannel and hangs it on the back of one of my kitchen table chairs. I walk over to the cupboard and pull out two glasses and the last of the whiskey down, placing them on the table.

“You can sit down you know.”

“Yeah, just looking around.” He’s walking though my living room.

“You’ve already surveyed my place before. Not much has changed.”

“Mmm…” He makes his way back over to the table and sits down.

          I pour us two glasses handing one to Joel. I take a sip and watch as Luci makes his way to the couch that’s turned more into his dog bed. I can feel Joel’s eyes on me.

“What is it Joel?” I ask him still looking at Luci.

“I don’t like him.”

I look back at him eyebrows drawn together, “Brad?”

“Don’t like the way he looks at you.”

“How is he looking at me Joel?”

“Like you’re his.”

“He doesn’t look at me like that. He’s just a friend.” I chuckle a little taking a sip of whiskey. “Plus, I’m not anyone’s.”

“It seems to me he thinks he is. Takes you under his wing, walks you home. Acts like he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you.” He leans his elbows on my table.

“He’s just being nice Joel. People can still be nice even though the world’s gone to shit.”

“No they can’t.”

“So everyone’s a piece of shit now?”

“Not everyone.” He throws back his drink and pours himself another.

“Joel… I don’t understand. Why…” I trail off not really knowing what I want to say. “I don’t…” I shake my head bushing my fingers though my hair; my cheeks getting even hotter than they were at the bar. “I need some water.”

          I stand up and walk over to the sink and fill up a mug with water. I stand at the sink one hand braced on the counter. I hold the mug to my lips but don’t actually drink from it. There’s a scrape against the wood floor and the sound of boots echoing in the apartment. I close my eyes waiting for the door to open and shut. Instead I hear them stop behind me.

          I can feel him then, the heat of his body, the light pull of my hair as he plays with the ends of it. He traces his knuckles from the top of my spine down to the bottom agonizingly slow. My breathing gets deeper and I can’t stop the excitement I feel building in my belly. I turn to face him.

“Joel?”

          He traces his knuckles with a feathers touch over my scar; I close my eyes. Then his fingers hook lightly under my jaw and I part my lips slightly as I breathe out, he tucks some hair behind my ear as I open my eyes. I can feel static crackling between us as I set down my water and place my hand on his bicep feeling how firm it is.

“I’m sorry I didn’t kill him sooner.” His voice is rough; barely above a whisper, his eyes not meeting mine.

“Nothing to be sorry about.”

          Joel’s eyes dance around my face not really settling at any one spot. After a few seconds he puts his hands back down to his sides.

“You don’t have to worry about him Joel. Really, he’s just a friend.”

“I know. That don’t mean that I like him around you darlin’.”

          He steps back and walks back to the table. I follow him and sit down as he finishes his glass. The term of endearment isn’t lost on me; it makes me warm all over. Grabbing his flannel and putting it back on; he walks over to Lucifer giving him a scratch before walking to the door. I stand up from my chair and meet him as he opens it.

“Goodnight.” My voice is a whisper.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

          Confusion wraps around my brain as I try to remember if we had made plans to see each other tomorrow. After not being able to come up with anything I decide he probably meant in passing like we usually do. Drunk and tired and all around confused by Joel, I decide to call it a night. I drain the rest of my whiskey, grab the water I didn’t drink and crawl into bed. Lucifer jumps up next to me and lies down. The room spins a little as I close my eyes but fades quickly as I drift off.