Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I told you I can’t make it, dude. I’m visiting home for the weekend, remember?” Kuroo reminded his friend on the phone, unable to make it to the game his college mates were watching because he was off visiting Kenma for the weekend.

“Oh, right. I forgot. God, you sure visit your best friend a lot. I would’ve assumed you were dating if I didn’t know any better,” the tinny voice on the phone remarked with a laugh.

Kenma didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but he told himself it was Kuroo’s fault for taking a call right outside his door. He couldn’t make out what the person on the phone was saying obviously, but based on Kuroo’s reactions, it sounded like they were teasing him.

Kuroo laughed that scratchy, bellowing laugh of his before saying, “Bro, chill. I don’t swing that way.”

And Kenma knew that. Kuroo had only ever expressed interest in girls. And apart from his friendship with Kenma, everything else in his life was as straight coded as it could get.

It became especially apparent once Kuroo went to college. He continued to play volleyball for his university’s team, and seemingly had the most dudebro friends ever, if the older man’s stories were anything to go by.

Not that there was anything wrong with dudebros, it just wasn’t necessarily Kenma’s vibe. He was lucky that the Nekoma locker room wasn’t like that, and he genuinely liked his teammates.

But even that didn’t always come easy for him, and having Kuroo there as a buffer really helped him eventually open up to the rest of the team and regard them as actual friends.

A part of him worried that once he graduated and had to venture out into college on his own, that he would have the same difficulties connecting with people as he did during his first year at Nekoma, and pretty much his entire life. Except that this time, he wouldn’t have Kuroo by his side to help ease that transition.

And it scared him. But at the same time, he felt like he needed it. First, simply to prove to himself that he could—that having Kuroo as a buffer was nice, but not necessary. He could make friends on his own, and he could figure shit out on his own.

And second, because he had some realizations lately that there were maybe some parts of him that he was hiding away, even from Kuroo. Especially from Kuroo, actually. And that meant that maybe he actually needed that fresh start in college specifically without Kuroo, for him to truly sit with those realizations and explore what they meant for him.

First, he realized that he was gay. There wasn’t really some grand moment that led him to this conclusion, but rather years of listening in on other boys talking about which girls they liked and Kenma never giving a shit about any of it. He was a very introspective person, meaning it didn’t take him all that much to understand why he didn’t give a shit. And it was because he just wasn’t attracted to girls, despite it feeling like all anyone wanted to talk about sometimes.

So he knew. He just didn’t know what it meant exactly, or how to deal with it. And he didn’t have anyone to talk to about it in his immediate circle.

He tried scoping out his teammates, just to see if there was potentially anyone he could talk to about it. But Tora always yapped about Karasuno’s cute managers, Yaku always commented on how pretty Lev’s sister was when she was in the stands cheering for them, and Kuroo… Well, Kuroo fielded confession letters left and right, sometimes even accepting them and dating the girl for a little bit before it inevitably fizzled out for some reason.

And Kuroo was a no-go regardless, because the other thing that Kenma realized right alongside this was that he was probably in love with his best friend.

This one took longer for him to accept, because Kuroo had been in his life since he was a kid. So he didn’t know where the line even was between platonic and not, nor did he know exactly when and how he crossed it. He just knew that he had at some point.

This came in conjunction with his first realization because once he figured out that he wasn’t attracted to girls, then naturally his next question was, maybe boys, then? And he knew that was the truth when a single look from Kuroo made him feel more than any interaction he’s ever had with a girl.

He knew when the constant confession letters Kuroo got started bugging Kenma more and more, remaining impassive each time it happened getting more difficult with each letter. He knew when suddenly the older man’s casual touches didn’t feel all that casual for him anymore, even though Kuroo didn’t seem to ever think much of it. He knew when the ache in his chest the moment Kuroo moved away for college didn’t feel like that of just a friend’s, and felt more like he was losing something beyond that.

So no, he didn’t feel like he could open up to Kuroo about any of this. Kuroo was straight, so Kenma didn’t think it was worth ruining their friendship over when there was no way he could ever return his feelings.

And if he felt like he couldn’t tell even his best friend about this, then he felt like had to be brave and make new friends in college—ones who would understand how he’s feeling, would know how to navigate it, and could maybe just help him figure out how to exist in his own skin without feeling like he’s constantly hiding a part of himself.

It wasn’t like he thought Kuroo was homophobic or anything; his best friend would probably accept him. Probably. But sometimes he did wonder, especially with how Kuroo acted with his dudebro friends.

Case in point, the snippet of the phone call he just overheard. Kuroo never said anything outright that would make Kenma think that he would have a problem with it, but there were little things—normalized things, unfortunately—that did make Kenma hesitant to tell him. Like Kuroo’s friends casually throwing out “haha, that’s so gay bro” any time even an ounce of affection was shown. The list went on, nothing egregious, but enough to make Kenma wary.

Either way, he did plan on telling Kuroo eventually. But maybe he could delay it until he got over his stupid crush on his stupid best friend first, so he could safely tell him the whole gay part without necessarily having to divulge the whole I’m in love with you part.

***

“I got an acceptance letter today,” Kenma shared once they were back in his room playing some random game.

“Really? Congrats! Which school?” Kuroo exclaimed as he paused the game to give his congratulations by way of putting an arm around Kenma’s shoulder and ruffling his hair. This was the type of casual touch that was so normal between them, Kenma couldn’t even pinpoint when it all started making his stomach feel a little funny.

“Osaka University. I think I’m gonna take it,” the younger man said hesitantly, acknowledging the distance it would put between them for the first time since they met. Kuroo ended up at a university on the other side of Tokyo, so while it was definitely different from having him just down the street, it was still close enough that he could visit often despite his busy college schedule.

Osaka though, well, that was a whole expensive and long bullet train ride away.

“Oh,” Kuroo mused. “Didn’t you apply for Tokyo University too, though? Don’t you want to wait for those results first before making a decision?”

“Let’s be real, I’m probably not gonna get in,” Kenma chuckled. If he purposefully chose a Tokyo school that was notoriously selective, leading him to go to one of his alternatives instead—one that was specifically much farther away—then that was his business.

Maybe he wanted a fresh start. Maybe he wanted to see if he could blossom somewhere a little farther from the confines of where his comfort lay. Maybe he wanted to see what kind of people he could meet and what he could discover about himself if he wasn’t always depending on Kuroo to get him out of his shell.

Because while Kuroo had helped him out of his socially awkward shell his entire life, he didn’t think he was necessarily the right person who could help him out of this shell specifically. This felt like a journey he had to take on his own, hopefully surrounded by people who understood.

“Hey, you totally could! You’re not Nekoma’s brain for nothing, you know,” Kuroo encouraged, nudging him with his elbow.

“Right,” Kenma snorted. “It’s probably gonna be Osaka though,” he shrugged as he unpaused their game, effectively capping the conversation off.

Kuroo was all smiles, but Kenma could see the worry that his best friend was masking beneath it. He could see it in the way Kuroo looked down at his lap before continuing with the game. He could see it in the way Kuroo’s breathing changed just a little bit—subtle enough that you wouldn’t notice it unless you’ve lived in his pocket since you were a kid like Kenma had.

And Kenma felt it, too—the worry. Going from seeing Kuroo every single day to seeing him weekly if he was lucky was already an adjustment. What would happen with him on the other side of the country, with an equally busy schedule? He didn’t know, and that scared him.

But the feeling of wanting to venture out on his own was stronger, so he swallowed the fear down and ignored the tension in the air that was now palpable amidst the clickety clack of their controllers.

***

Kuroo went back to college after the weekend without much fanfare. If he hugged Kenma a little tighter than usual when he left, that wasn’t something he would openly admit.

But he was worried. He was worried about Kenma, and he was worried about their friendship, too.

It wasn’t that he felt like Kenma constantly needed someone—specifically him. Kenma was perfectly capable of being social, doing things he liked, and working hard on the things he cared about. Kuroo had been privy to this their entire lives, and he saw how much of himself Kenma gave when he actually gave a shit about something.

It was just that sometimes, Kenma needed a little nudge here and there. And Kuroo liked being the person who did that for him.

He would never force Kenma to do something he genuinely didn’t want to do. But if he saw that there was something that Kenma did like but was starting to get difficult in a way, he would encourage him to keep at it.

Such was the case when Kenma’s first year on the Nekoma team was difficult because of the seniors, but Kuroo encouraged him to stay, ensuring him that the underclassmen all saw his value to the team.

And such was the case when Kenma had difficulties navigating his relationships with others on the team who were completely different from him like Tora, where Kuroo encouraged him to try and understand things from the other’s perspective.

And all those things worked out in the end. Even now, Kenma was doing amazing as a senior on the team. So Kuroo didn’t doubt that he could thrive all the way in Osaka all on his own without his best friend by his side.

But that didn’t stop him from worrying regardless. He just liked being there for Kenma, and could always breathe easier when he knew that his best friend was doing okay. And maybe that was going to be a bit harder if he wasn’t in Tokyo.

He was worried about their friendship, too—because of the distance, sure—but also because there was this nagging feeling inside of him that Kenma was hiding something from him.

He thought that his best friend felt a little distant recently. And while it could probably be attributed to them just not seeing each other as much as they used to, Kuroo felt like there was something else. They had spent their entire lives telling each other everything that it wasn’t that difficult for him to notice when there was even the tiniest crack in that.

He had no idea what it was, but he felt like there was something Kenma was keeping to himself. He didn’t want to pry, and tried to just be there for him as much as he could in case he eventually wanted to talk about whatever it was.

But overall, he was worried. He spent his entire train ride back to university thinking about how he could rearrange his schedule next year to maybe fit a regular weekend shinkansen ride to Osaka much easier.

***

Kenma sat on the gym floor catching his breath after their last game at training camp. He clutched his water bottle, feeling the weight of this being their final camp, to be followed by their final high school tournament.

He was almost done submitting the last of his paperwork to Osaka University, and it felt like the end of an era somehow. But it was also starting to feel like a new beginning, and his excitement shared as much space in his brain as his anxiety.

Akaashi sat beside him, similarly tired from their round of games. Kenma had always liked Akaashi and the quiet, sort of calm demeanor that he had, knowing that something more intense also bubbled up beneath him. He thought they were similar in that sense, and he felt a sort of kinship with him despite them not being particularly close outside of these regular camps. They were acquainted well enough, but Kenma wouldn’t necessarily say they were best friends or anything.

“Are you going to university, Akaashi-kun?” Kenma found himself asking, partly as small talk, but also partly curious as to what other people had planned after all this. There were people like Kageyama who would obviously go pro immediately. But others like him and Akaashi would probably have other things in mind, and that piqued his interest.

“I am, yes. Osaka University for Literature. How about you, Kozume-san?” Akaashi replied.

“Oh. I’m going there too, actually. Communications,” Kenma replied, surprised at the relief he felt, knowing there would at least be a familiar face in the new and unfamiliar terrain he was about to find himself in.

“Wait, that’s great!” Akaashi perked up, at least as much as someone with such a stoic demeanor could. “Do you want to be roommates, actually? That was the last of the paperwork I haven’t gotten to yet, since I wasn’t really keen on finding a stranger to room with, and renting somewhere alone would be expensive.”

This caught Kenma by surprise, considering they weren’t that close and this felt like a huge commitment out of nowhere.

He took a moment to weigh his options. On the one hand, he was doing all this to become more independent, so he didn’t know if it was wise to already have a familiar face as a roommate because it felt like having a crutch from the get-go. Like he would just be going from relying on Kuroo all the time to maybe now relying on Akaashi all the time. He knew Akaashi looked out for Bokuto in a different way than Kuroo looked out for him, but it was a similar enough dynamic that he didn’t want them to be each other’s surrogates regardless.

On the other hand, he didn’t even want to think about the potential horrors of being roommates with a complete stranger. They could be a slob. They could be an asshole. They could be a straight dudebro. The possibilities were endless, and endlessly terrifying. And since this whole situation was already scary enough on its own, he felt like making the roommate aspect of it a little easier would probably be the right call.

So in the end, it felt like an easy decision.

He and Akaashi made arrangements to look for places together when the time came. And Kenma didn’t know this yet, but that would end up being one of the best decisions he’d made in terms of surrounding himself with people that would be a source of comfort in his journey of self-discovery.

***

Later that night, Kenma found himself plopped down on the gym floor, exhausted from the extra practice that Hinata somehow managed to rope him into. Something about this being their last camp made him begrudgingly agree, and he contemplated his decision making skills as he panted onto the dirty floor.

“Thanks for practicing with me, Kenma,” Hinata beamed as he sat next to the lump on the floor that was his reluctant setter for the night.

Kenma sighed, feeling all of his frustration leave his body in that moment. He didn’t like feeling exhausted, but seeing Shouyou smile at him like that made it all worth it. He was definitely Kenma’s closest friend after Kuroo, and he always appreciated the comfort he felt around him despite how insanely different they were.

Hinata rewarded him further by excitedly telling him all about his plans for after graduation—how he’d been talking to his coaches about his options and how there was a strange but valuable opportunity that could be available to him all the way in Brazil if he could prepare for it properly.

It all sounded so daunting to Kenma. Just moving to Osaka was already scary for him; he couldn’t imagine going to the other side of the world where he didn’t even speak the language. But the sparkle in Hinata’s eyes as he talked about it all was blinding, and there was no hint of hesitation there at all. Just pure hunger.

“Doesn’t it scare you, Shouyou? Making such a big move like that, away from everything you’ve ever known?” Kenma asked, astonished at his friend’s courage.

“Hm,” Hinata thought for a moment. “Maybe a little. Learning the language is probably going to be difficult, and I’m sure I’ll miss home a bunch. But it excites me more than it scares me, I guess.” 

Kenma thought it was so brave, going so fiercely after something you want like that, and in the most unconventional way possible. It made him want to be a little brave, too.

After a while of silence, Kenma sat up and decided to take the first step towards that.

“Can I tell you something that I’ve never told anyone?” He asked.

“Always,” Hinata responded, with nothing but openness and warmth in his expression.

“I’m gay.”

Chapter Text

As he came out to someone for the first time, Kenma felt like a giant weight was lifted off his shoulders.

It wasn’t like he was necessarily any closer to figuring out how to navigate this whole thing, but just saying it out loud and being met with nothing but acceptance by one of the people closest to him felt like a huge step.

They talked for a while about it even though Kenma didn’t feel like he had the right words to properly articulate how he was feeling. But he talked about his move, and all the things he hoped to better understand about himself once he was in a new environment. Hinata listened attentively, and assured Kenma that he would always be a text away, even halfway across the world.

They were spending one more night at camp, but they only had barbecue day left so Kenma didn’t feel too bad about the exhaustion in his bones from the extra practice and the heart to heart that came after.

With the next day came a lovely barbecue shared under the sun, and Kenma soaked it all in. These last few months were going to be a goodbye to this version of himself, to volleyball, and likely to most of these people too. So he savored the day spent with all the wonderful people brought to him by the sport he learned to love over time.

He was having such a nice time that he didn’t notice the familiar figure traipsing through the trees, and was only alerted to said presence when Hinata excitedly shouted beside him, “Kuroo-san!”

“Hey, chibi-chan! Long time no see,” Kuroo greeted as he ruffled the younger man’s orange hair.

He immediately stood by Kenma’s side after and wrapped an arm around his shoulder like it was nothing, completely unaware of the effect he had on his best friend.

“What are you doing here? Don’t you have practice?” Kenma asked as nonchalantly as he could despite being blindsided by Kuroo’s presence. He knew the older man’s schedule like the back of his hand, so he didn’t expect the sudden visit.

“Practice was cancelled so I thought I would come say hi to my lovely kouhais! What, are you not happy to see me?” Kuroo teased, pinching Kenma’s cheek. He swatted the older man’s hand away and pretended to be upset by the gesture, but he was sure the ensuing blush on his face gave him away.

“It’s good to see you, Kuroo-san!” Hinata beamed, ever cheerful and completely unaware of Kenma’s inner turmoil. They did just have a heart to heart the night before, but Kenma carefully skirted around the whole in love with my best friend part and just focused more on the I’m gay part.

“Don’t let him fool you. He’s just here for the free food,” the setter quipped, making Kuroo laugh that boisterous laugh of his. Kenma hated how much he loved that ridiculous sound, no matter how rowdy it was.

Kuroo spent the rest of the barbecue actively mingling—saying hi to Nekomata-sensei, catching up with his kouhais, and needling Tsukishima in the corner. But throughout all of it, he made sure to keep Kenma close by his side.

It reminded him of how inseparable they were whenever they were in the same room, filling him with warmth, but at the same time reminding him of his mission to gain more independence and self-assurance in college.

As the barbecue ended and people started petering out to go back home, both nostalgia and excitement filled Kenma’s mind. He was going to miss all of this, but at the same time he couldn’t wait to build a new home in Osaka that would hopefully be just as warm as this one.

He fell into step with Kuroo as they made their way to the train station, his battery sufficiently drained from the day of socializing. His head naturally found Kuroo’s shoulder the moment they sat down, the desire to recharge through Kuroo’s presence as second nature as breathing at this point.

Their train ride was spent in complete silence, Kuroo always being astutely aware of when Kenma just needed to breathe for a moment. But as they were walking home from the train station, he finally spoke up again.

“I’m almost done with submitting all my papers to Osaka University by the way,” he updated. They hadn’t really talked about it again since Kuroo’s last weekend visit, even though they texted pretty much everyday.

“Oh,” the older man responded, sounding hesitant. “That’s great, Kenma. I’m happy for you.”

“You don’t sound all that happy,” the younger man quipped, keeping his tone light and cheeky in an attempt to dissipate the tension that was steadily building in the air.

Kuroo chuckled, feeling a little brave to be vulnerable now that Kenma lightened the atmosphere a little bit.

“I’m just gonna miss you, is all. It’s gonna be a much longer commute for me to visit you now,” he admitted.

“Sap,” Kenma teased, bumping the older man with his shoulder. “You don’t have to visit. I know shinkansen tickets are expensive.”

“Kyanmaaaa,” Kuroo whined in jest, upping the dramatics of it all. “Are you trying to get rid of me? First the barbecue, now this. Why does my best friend never want to see me anymore?” He continued his tirade, walking with drooped shoulders and an exaggerated pout.

Kenma tried not to get too hurt by being called the best friend yet again, since that was what they were. It wasn’t Kuroo’s fault that Kenma wanted more, nor was it his responsibility to protect the feelings that he didn’t even know existed. Still, it wasn’t like it was ever particularly pleasant to hear the quiet part out loud.

“You’re so dramatic. We text everyday as it is. It’s gonna be exactly the same,” the younger man responded, even though he knew it wouldn’t be the same. In fact, his entire self-discovery plan hinged on a little bit of distance, and he was counting on it as much as he was dreading it.

“It’s not the same, though. I can’t ruffle your little pudding head over the phone,” Kuroo complained as he proceeded to do exactly that.

“You’re so annoying,” Kenma grumbled, but he chuckled and let his best friend’s hand linger anyway until they arrived at his doorstep.

“Plus, I worry about you, you know,” Kuroo followed up as they removed their shoes and went straight to Kenma’s room. They didn’t explicitly plan to hang out or have a sleepover or anything, since the younger man didn’t even know that his best friend was coming that day. But these things sort of went unspoken for them at this point.

Kenma wordlessly made his way to the bathroom to change as Kuroo dropped his duffel bag on the floor and reached into it for inside clothes to change into himself.

The older man was lounging in bed when Kenma came back. He tried not to get too swept up in how domestic it all felt, coming home with Kuroo after a long day and climbing into bed beside him. It was platonic. They were just friends. There was no room for delusion, Kenma reminded himself.

“What are you worried about, specifically?” He asked, carrying on their conversation as he lay down beside his best friend and stared at the ceiling, one hand under his head and the other hand dangerously close to Kuroo’s.

“I don’t know… Everything, I guess. I mean, who’s gonna kick you out of bed when you oversleep? Who’s gonna force you out of your room to get something to eat when you’ve been holed up in there for too long trying to beat a game?”

“You haven’t been around for a year, Kuro. And I’ve been doing just fine,” he reassured.

“I know, but you’re comfortable here. College is different, you know? It’s an adjustment. And I just wish I could be there for you through it,” Kuroo whispered as his pinky gently grazed Kenma’s before intertwining with it, both of their gazes still locked on the ceiling.

He continued, “Because what if it’s just like your first year at Nekoma? I don’t want you to get closed off again like last time if people treat you the same way our senpais did back then.”

“I won’t. I promise,” Kenma insisted, chancing a glance at the little worrywart beside him. It endlessly endeared him that his best friend cared so much, and he once again had to hold himself back from just grabbing his face and kissing him senseless.

He saw that Kuroo’s brows were still furrowed as he stared holes into the ceiling, and the setter didn’t want him to keep worrying so he opted to reassure him some more.

“Hey,” he called out, turning on his side to face Kuroo and urge him to look back at him, which the older man did. He said in the most confident tone he could muster, “I’ll be fine. I promise. And if I’m not, you’ll be the first to know, okay?”

Kuroo searched his eyes and finally relented when he saw the resolve in them. “Okay,” he sighed with a small smile.

“If it makes you feel any better, turns out Akaashi’s gonna be my roommate. So I’ll have a familiar face there, at least.”

“Really? That’s great. I’ll tell him to kick your ass out of bed every now and then,” Kuroo chuckled. 

“Hey,” he said as he reached out to pull Kenma closer. Once he had an arm wrapped around him, he whispered, “You’re not gonna forget about me when you make all these shiny new college friends, right?”

He tried to play it off as a casual question, but Kenma could sense the underlying seriousness in the almost delicate way that he asked—vulnerability seeping through his voice despite the attempted nonchalant delivery. So a part of Kuroo really was worried that the distance would affect their friendship, Kenma thought.

He felt a little guilty for a moment, now knowing that Kuroo felt this way, meanwhile he was banking on the distance to help him get over his feelings. Because it wasn’t like he wanted his own journey to negatively affect his best friend or their relationship. Of course not.

But he placated his conscience by reminding himself that the distance was only going to be temporary. Once he felt more comfortable both in general as well as with his feelings for Kuroo—or hopefully the lack thereof by the time he was done with this quest—he could come out to him and it could stop feeling like his turmoil was getting in the way of their friendship.

“You’re ridiculous. I couldn’t even if I tried,” he responded honestly as he let his head rest on Kuroo’s chest, the older man rubbing his back like a cat. It was intimate moments like this that made Kenma question everything, and he had to remind himself once again that the physical closeness didn’t mean anything.

They’ve always been this way, and just because he now had feelings for Kuroo, didn’t mean that a new significance was suddenly to be assigned to things they’ve done together since they were kids.

Kenma fell asleep to the steady sound of Kuroo’s heartbeat right in his ear that night, and woke up to the same strong arms wrapped around him. As much as he loved having this, he couldn’t wait to get his head out of his ass and finally stop pining for his best friend that he constantly had to remind himself was straight.

***

His final months in high school flew right on by, and before he knew it, he was swept up in preparations for his big move. Kuroo spent most of his own spring break glued to Kenma’s side, helping him with whatever he could, but most importantly spending some much needed quality time with him before they found themselves in different regions.

He even persisted on helping Kenma move into his new apartment with Akaashi, despite the younger man’s insistence that he didn’t need it since he didn’t have that much stuff. Kuroo reasoned that he wanted to see the new place anyway, and needed to know where it was for future visits—of which he assured Kenma that there would be plenty.

While Kenma was used to Kuroo being a certain amount of clingy, these past couple months have been on a whole new level. He would’ve thought it was endearing if he wasn’t desperately trying to get over his feelings for the guy, because this clinginess certainly wasn’t helping with that.

Don’t get him wrong, of course he loved spending time with Kuroo. They were best friends. But god did it get suffocating at times to be showered with attention by the person you secretly love when you know that they could never feel the same way.

It almost felt cruel, like the universe was mocking him by constantly dangling what he wanted right in front of his face but never actually letting him have it in the way that he needed.

He figured that things would be different once school actually started back up again, as Kuroo wouldn’t have the time to be around this much anymore. So he just endured the torment that was being attached at the hip to the person he was secretly in love with.

“Akaashi-kun!” Kuroo greeted as he waltzed into their new apartment.

“Kuroo-san, Kozume-san. Hello,” Akaashi greeted back politely.

“Sorry about him, Akaashi-kun. He’ll be gone soon enough,” Kenma quipped, taking the box Kuroo was holding and bringing it into his new room without looking back.

“Kenmaaaaa, stop trying to get rid of me!” Kuroo whined as he followed into the room and closed the door behind him.

Akaashi narrowed his eyes at the scene, the gears in his head already turning. He had observed the way those two were with each other at previous training camps and tournaments, so he had his suspicions even then. Plus, he was intimately familiar with the feeling of setters being in love with their captain best friends, so he empathized.

Kuroo did have to leave soon enough though, as he had to get back to his school too. He tried not to crush his best friend too much in their parting hug, but the reality of the distance was really sinking into both of them now. So if they both held on just a little bit longer than usual, that was why.

Kenma saw Kuroo have a whispered conversation with Akaashi before he left, which he raised an eyebrow at.

“What was that about?” He curiously asked his new roommate once the older man was out the door.

“He wanted to make sure you don’t die on my watch, I suppose,” the Fukurodani alum replied with a chuckle.

“He’s such an idiot,” Kenma sighed fondly. “I can take care of myself. Don’t worry about it, Akaashi-kun.”

“Kuroo-san seems to worry about you quite a bit though,” Akaashi observed.

“It’s unwarranted, really. He’s just freaking out because this is the farthest we’ve ever been from each other, and he thinks I’m gonna accidentally fall into a hole and die or something if he isn’t in the same prefecture to watch over me.”

“Hm,” Akaashi mused. He had quite a lot in mind about the nature of those two’s relationship already, but he held his tongue for now since it was only their first day. And immediately gossipping about his new roommate’s love life didn’t feel like the polite thing to do.

“Well, in any case, we’re roommates now. So I suppose we should look out for each other to some extent anyway,” he proposed instead.

“Sure, Akaashi-kun. How about we start with dinner?” Kenma asked in an effort to break the ice with his new roommate. He was tired from the commute, and could so easily just order take out and lock himself in his room. It was definitely his default thought, and what the old him would’ve done with no hesitation.

But he was turning over a new leaf, and what better way to start putting himself out there than by bonding with the person he would be sharing a living space with?

“Yeah, that sounds nice.”

***

The first month of university passed by smoothly, and Kenma was taking to his new life like a fish in water.

His classes were interesting enough, and his classmates were nice for the most part. But it was really his friendship with Akaashi that blossomed the quickest. He supposed that was only natural, considering their living situation.

He even had a couple classes with Akaashi, since their majors were under the same department. And his roommate introduced him to Sakusa Kiyoomi during their first class together, who coincidentally was in the same program as Akaashi while continuing to play volleyball for their university’s team.

He knew of Sakusa, much like anyone who played high school volleyball did. The man’s reputation preceded him, both in terms of his insane skills in the game, as well as just his general demeanor of being very particular about everything else. But even just the month of getting to know the number one ace surprised Kenma, as he was much easier to get along with than he anticipated.

Sakusa spent a lot of time with Akaashi considering they shared all their classes, and by extension spent a lot of time with Kenma too. They even had study sessions sometimes at Kenma and Akaashi’s apartment.

He thought he would mind having a constant visitor in his space, but their burgeoning friendship meant that he enjoyed their company more than he wanted to crawl into his room and hide away.

Sakusa and Akaashi were particularly close; they even got to a first name basis before Kenma eventually did, too. And sometimes their study sessions devolved into them gossipping about who in the Literature program they found particularly hot. Kenma initially didn’t expect this line of conversation from the two of them based on his impressions of them from high school, but he was pleasantly surprised.

He stayed silent when those conversations first started happening—one because he wasn’t out, and two because he didn’t really know the people they were talking about.

But they were always men, and Kenma breathed a sigh of relief the first time he heard his friends so casually talking about the boys they liked.

Jackpot, he thought. He went into all this wanting to surround himself with people who would understand his turmoil. And now here he was, the two closest friends he’d made in college both just openly talking about liking men like it was no big deal.

Because it wasn’t, really. It was just a part of him that he never felt like he could express because none of the people around him felt the same, at least not openly. But here, his two friends talked about it so naturally that for the first time, he didn’t feel like it was something he had to hide away.

He felt like it was a natural part of his identity just as anything else was. He liked video games. He played volleyball. He was intelligent. He was attracted to men. It was just the way that he was, so why was it even a point of contention?

It didn’t even feel like a monumental conversation when they started bringing it up. It just felt like another ordinary Thursday—like, Hey, I had a really hard test earlier. Practice was gnarly. Also, that guy is really hot. What should we have for dinner? Like it was something that fit seamlessly in their lives, as opposed to the way Kenma felt like he had to keep it hidden or tiptoe around it.

There were obviously certain societal expectations that still made it difficult, unfortunately. But Kenma could see that at least here, within the confines of this friendship, it was a safe space.

The two were so comfortable in who they were that it made Kenma feel like he could jump in freely and do the same, because he was automatically in a no judgement zone. So one of those days, he just did.

“I’m tired. No more studying. I’m so exhausted I can fall asleep right here on your dirty living room floor,” Sakusa quipped, closing his book and starfishing on the floor.

“You know the floor’s clean, asshole. Otherwise you wouldn’t have sat on it in the first place,” Kenma replied.

“True,” Akaashi chuckled. “Plus, you spend more time here than you do your own place, so you can attest to our entire apartment meeting your cleanliness standards.”

“Ugh. Of course I spend more time here. The athlete dorms are gross,” Sakusa grumbled. “Too messy. Too stinky. Too much testosterone. I should’ve opted to live off campus like you two.”

“Riiiiiight. Didn’t you say your neighbor was hot, though?” Akaashi teased. “Is he living in squalor, too?” 

“He is, unfortunately. I saw his room in passing yesterday and it was disgusting. I’ve never gotten the ick so fast. He’s probably straight, too. So that’s just a no-go.”

“Is this the same guy you pointed at the other day? The baseball player?” Kenma asked, actively participating in the boy talk for the first time.

“Mm-hmm.”

“Ah, you’re right, he was hot. What a shame someone with such nice thighs ended up being a slob,” Kenma remarked. He had never said anything like that before, and it felt so freeing to talk so openly about such a thing, as nervous as he was.

“Right?” Sakusa agreed, sitting up to emphasize his point. “They were glorious thighs. Such a waste.”

“So glorious,” Akaashi concurred.

Kenma was relieved that they didn’t make a big deal out of him expressing attraction to a man for the first time. He was half expecting them to go, wait, are you gay too? And he wasn’t ready for follow up questions. But they just treated it like it was normal, and it was so refreshing.

He was so used to everyone around him always talking about girls, and it made him feel like everyone was just expected to be straight unless otherwise stated. It was nice to not feel like that here. His comfort level shot up tenfold, and he felt like he was one step closer to being able to express himself fully.

“Should we go to that party tomorrow? Maybe we can find you someone with equally nice thighs but much higher cleanliness standards,” Akaashi asked Sakusa.

“Sure. Getting laid before midterms would be nice.”

“How about you, Kenma?” Akaashi asked. He saw Kenma hesitate a little, so he added, “I know it’s probably not your scene, but neither is it ours, really. Kiyoomi here’s just horny enough to get himself to endure a stinky college party. He’s in dire straits,” he teased, making Kenma snort.

“Hey!” Sakusa grumbled, grabbing a pillow from the couch and throwing it at his friend.

“What? Am I wrong?” He chuckled.

“No,” Kiyoomi pouted as he crossed his arms. “But you’re an asshole.”

“Takes one to know one, my friend,” Akaashi replied, getting a snort out of the spiker.

“So, what do you say, Kenma? You up for being a wingman? We could always leave this one to his own devices if we feel like leaving early.”

A party sounded like a nightmare, but hanging out with his friends and watching Sakusa try to find someone when his standards were so high sounded fun. So he pushed all his apprehensions aside and agreed. Akaashi assured him that they could leave at any time if he felt uncomfortable anyway, so he stopped worrying.

This was primarily what he came all the way here for, after all—to put himself out there, to immerse himself in environments he’s never been in, in an attempt to gain a better understanding of himself.

And he felt lucky to have found Sakusa and Akaashi along the way, because now he didn’t have to do it alone. Now he could do it with two of the most no-nonsense bad bitches who also somehow managed to make him feel so comfortable around them so quickly.

So he thought that if he could one day be able to feel as comfortable in his own skin as those two seemed to be, then he would be alright. Maybe he could get some of that quiet confidence that those two exuded through osmosis, just by being around them constantly.

Kenma went to bed that night feeling giddy. He took a small step today, just verbalizing his sexuality in such a casual way—a stark contrast to the only other time he’s ever said it out loud, which was his heart to heart with Hinata.

He appreciated both, obviously. But there was something that felt particularly nice about being able to express it as such a natural part of yourself, as opposed to it feeling like a huge conversation he had to prepare himself for.

Even small steps like that felt so freeing, and he fell asleep excited to take another one the next day.

He was so excited, in fact, that he completely forgot that he hadn’t texted Kuroo at all that day. His phone buzzed on his nightstand as he drifted off.

Kuro

Kenmaaaaaa. When are you gonna let me visit?

Chapter Text

Me

Just finished practice

How were your classes today kenmaaaa

No response. Kenma was usually busy during the day, but he always managed to text Kuroo in the early evening at the very least.

It was getting late, and he hadn’t heard from his best friend all day. He didn’t want to be too clingy, but maybe a friendly reminder to not skip meals would be fine, he thought.

Me

Kenma dont forget dinner!

A couple hours passed and there was still no response. He knew he was overreacting, and there was probably nothing to worry about. Kenma was likely just studying, or absorbed in a video game. But Kuroo texted Akaashi anyway, just to be sure.

Me

Hi akaashi sorry to bother!

Just wanted to check that kenma hasnt died and has eaten dinner since he’s not replying to his handsome bestfriend

Akaashi

No, Kenma has not died. Yes, we have had dinner.

We just finished a study session, so maybe that’s why he hasn’t responded.

Me

Oh ok thanks akaashi!

Soooo how are you guys doing over there in osaka?

Akaashi

You’re welcome, Kuroo-san. I’m good.

And you don’t need to worry about him too much, you know. He’s doing great.

Me

I’m glad

Thanks again!

Kuroo felt ridiculous for bugging Akaashi, but he was happy to hear that Kenma was doing well. They texted all the time, but it was different from actually seeing him and knowing just by the look on his face how he was feeling. So getting to hear it from the person that did see Kenma everyday was the next best thing.

He smiled to himself as he remembered the range of expressions that Kenma had, always giving away his true emotions even when he was hesitant to speak them out loud. His face would always contort in ridiculous ways, and it always made Kuroo giggle.

Cute, he thought—the expressions, that is. Kenma too, in general, he supposed. That was normal, right? Thinking your best friend was cute? He shook his head to stop that train of thought from spiraling out of control.

Regardless, he was getting antsy to see his best friend again. They hadn’t met up since he helped Kenma move in, and not for a lack of trying on Kuroo’s part.

So he decided to ask again as he was getting ready for bed.

Me

Kenmaaaaaa. When are you gonna let me visit?

Kyanma

it’s okay, kuro. you don’t have to. it’s almost midterms anyway.

i’ll probably visit home after the exams. i’ll see you then.

my classes are fine. how’s practice?

The reply came the next afternoon, giving Kuroo momentary relief after over a day of needless paranoia. But he was slowly but surely growing more restless the longer he went without seeing Kenma. He had tried to propose a visit a couple times, but his best friend kept assuring him that he didn’t need to splurge on shinkansen tickets.

He kept promising that he was fine, and that he didn’t need to visit just to check up on him. Kuroo thought that was fair, but his worry wasn’t the only reason he wanted to visit.

He simply just missed Kenma and wanted to see him, but it was starting to feel like the younger man didn’t feel the same way.

He was about to reply to that last text as he sat in their team’s locker room waiting for practice to start, when his captain walked in.

“What are you staring so intently at your phone for, Kuroo? Got a lady you’re texting?” He teased.

“No, it’s just my best friend,” Kuroo chuckled. “You remember, right? I told you about him, my setter from high school.”

“Oh, right.” His captain recalled and seemed to hesitate a little before asking, “Wait, are you and him…”

“Hm?” Kuroo looked quizzically at him before realizing what he was implying.

“Oh, no. We’re just friends,” he chuckled awkwardly.

It definitely wasn’t the first time someone asked him that, but it had been a while since he heard it so he was caught off guard.

Kenma was probably the most important person in his life, but it wasn’t… like that. Not that he thought there was anything wrong with that, but he’s straight. Always has been. He’d only ever been with girls, and didn’t think too much of it.

It was just the way things always were, and Kuroo was not one to question the status quo when he didn’t feel like there was anything missing in his life. He had Kenma, he had volleyball, he had his friends, he had his team, and he had the occasional girl around for short periods of time. It all worked out fine, so he was pretty chill in general.

Were there times in the past when he questioned why his romantic endeavors never seemed to last? Sure, but he figured he was just unlucky in love and left it at that.

Were there times when his girlfriend broke up with him because she complained about him spending more time with Kenma and paying him more attention than he ever did with her? Well yes, more than a couple times actually.

But what was he supposed to do? Kenma was his best friend. Of course he would prioritize him. He didn’t even do it consciously, it just came naturally to him. And if the girl he was with couldn’t deal with that for some reason, then that was her problem, right?

“It’s the way you look at him,” one of them had said. “You’ve never looked at me like that. Not even close.”

Kuroo had no idea what the hell she was talking about.

And were there times when he broke up with his girlfriend because Kenma didn’t like them? Also yes. Not that Kenma ever said it out loud, but Kuroo knew. He could read his best friend like a book.

While it wasn’t like Kenma ever seemed necessarily thrilled about any of the girls Kuroo was with, the older man could always tell when Kenma really didn’t like them. And that was almost always enough reason for him to break things off.

But that didn’t mean anything, right? He just valued his best friend’s opinion, and if they weren’t good enough in his eyes, then they weren’t good enough for Kuroo. He trusted his judgement, simple as that.

An astute observer would maybe say that Kuroo was actually in love with his best friend and was just in deep denial, but he himself was nowhere near that conclusion quite yet.

Although he had been feeling a little off-kilter, not having seen Kenma in over a month. So maybe a rude awakening was on the horizon for him soon. Maybe Kenma’s recent absence in his life would be enough of a wake up call for him to actually start thinking about these things that he had always just pushed to the wayside.

If he never questioned any of it because he was perfectly comfortable in his life, maybe the discomfort of not having Kenma in it nearly as much as he used to could finally bring along the realizations that he needed.

“Kuroo?”

“Right, sorry captain. Spaced out for a bit there. What were you saying?”

“I was just saying that practice is cancelled. Coach is sick. I just dropped by the gym in case anyone was already here, but I’ll text the others too. You can go now. See you next week, dude.”

“Oh, okay. Thanks, captain!”

Having a surprise free Friday leading into an early weekend, Kuroo found himself saying fuck it and spontaneously booking a shinkansen ticket for the next train to Osaka. He had surprised Kenma with visits every now and then when he was still in Tokyo, so surely it would be fine, he thought.

***  

“So, what do you wanna do tonight? We know Kiyoomi here wants to get laid, do you want us to find you someone nice too?” Akaashi cheekily asked Kenma when they got to the party, Sakusa already subtly scoping out the room to see if anyone piqued his interest, to no avail.

“Huh?” Kenma replied, caught off guard by the question. While he started feeling comfortable at least casually talking about it with his friends, he didn’t think he was quite ready to actually do anything about it just yet.

“We don’t have to,” Akaashi chuckled, noticing his friend’s hesitation. “We can just get some drinks, and then maybe dance a little if you’re up to it. Whatever you’re comfortable with, Kenma.”

“We can start with drinks,” he responded, grateful for Akaashi’s consideration.

They walked over to the makeshift bar that the hosts provided, Sakusa preparing some simple mixes for the three of them.

The spiker barely managed to take a sip before some random guy approached him, immediately flirty and not subtle with his intentions in the slightest.

“Hey, hot stuff. Haven’t seen you at one of these parties before,” the guy sidled up to Sakusa, flashing him a cocky grin.

“No, thank you,” Sakusa replied before he took another sip of his drink, not even giving the guy a second glance.

He walked away with his tail between his legs, and Kenma and Akaashi couldn’t help but laugh at the guy’s misfortune, at least politely waiting until he was out of hearing range before doing so.

“Damn, that was cold,” Kenma remarked in a fit of giggles.

“You didn’t even look at him,” Akaashi added.

“I didn’t need to. He smelled like Axe body spray. He probably has dirty laundry scattered about his dorm room floor,” Sakusa snarked, wrinkling his nose.

“Hot stuff, pfft,” he added, mocking the guy’s cocksure attitude and fake gagging, earning more laughs from the other two. “Who even says that?”

They chatted for a bit—Akaashi teasing Sakusa about how his standards were too high, Sakusa making snarky observations about the straight dudebros in the corner striking out on the women they were obnoxiously approaching, and Kenma surprisingly having fun.

He had never been so comfortable at a party of all places, and it was in large part thanks to his friends making him feel at ease.

Sakusa got hit on at least two more times by guys equally as slimy, at least in his eyes. It made Kenma and Akaashi laugh each time, Kiyoomi’s candid and straightforward but not outright rude nature never getting old.

“Do I not look unapproachable enough?” He sighed as the last guy left, starting to get tired of constantly getting hit on. He did go there wanting to get laid, but it was slim pickins that night.

“No, you definitely do. You look very unapproachable in fact, like you’re gonna chop someone’s head off if they come close. And either they don’t care, or they like it. I suppose you’re just too attractive for your own good,” Akaashi quipped.

They chuckled and cheersed their cups to that, making Kenma smile and shake his head fondly. Bad bitches, he once again remarked to himself in his head.

“I mean, so are you. That guy in the corner’s been looking at you for at least ten minutes. Should we wave him over?” Sakusa asked.

Akaashi took a subtle peek at the guy without fully turning his head, and confirmed that he was in fact staring.

“I’m good, thanks,” he responded without a second thought, making Sakusa snort.

“Wait, how do you guys even know which of these people would be interested? Everyone here just looks straight to me,” Kenma found himself asking in an unexpected bout of curiosity and vulnerability.

He didn’t mean to actively start inquiring about how these things worked instead of the passive observance he’d been doing so far, but he felt so comfortable with the other two that the question just came out the moment he thought of it.

“Hm. Well, the real answer is that you don’t really know until it’s explicitly stated. But I suppose you can feel it out sometimes, and just get a vibe. Since in a setting like this, it’s not like you can just go up to someone and immediately ask if they’re gay,” Akaashi responded.

“Yeah. So people just kind of shoot their shot and hope for the best, I guess,” Sakusa added.

“That sounds terrifying,” Kenma admitted. He had no experience in any of this, straight or otherwise. All that he knew was stuff he picked up from observing his friends—mainly Kuroo—get confession letters, or valentines chocolate, and it afforded him a very limited view on the whole asking people out and dating thing.

He figured he would learn more by going to these parties and being around his friends who seemed knowledgeable about it—which he did, to an extent.

But the thought that nobody really knew what they were doing and was effectively just winging it terrified him. At the same time, it gave him a little bit of comfort because it made him feel like he wasn’t necessarily nerfed by his lack of knowledge on the subject.

His brain immediately compared it to an open world video game that had set objectives, but had loose enough parameters that everyone had a different way of going about it. He always liked finding his own solutions for games like that, and this felt similar in a way.

For example, Link had set objectives in Breath of the Wild—to defeat Calamity Ganon, find Princess Zelda, and save Hyrule. But each player’s journey to get there looked vastly different.

Here, people who wanted the same thing had set objectives—to meet someone nice, get to know them, and maybe even fall in love. But the way they got to those objectives was different for everyone.

It made Kenma feel like it was just another puzzle he had to solve, which helped his confidence because that was something he’s always been good at.

If he could just look at it that way—as something he could figure out along with everyone else who was also just trying to figure it out, instead of this big scary thing he was alone in being clueless about—it didn’t feel as daunting.

“It is terrifying. But putting yourself out there always is, isn’t it?” Akaashi mused.

“That’s true. I’ve accidentally liked straight men before, thinking they weren’t. And I’ve also gotten hit on by girls who thought I was straight. Don’t know where they got that idea, honestly,” Sakusa joked. “But no harm, no foul, right? As long as you’re respectful about it.”

Kenma nodded, feeling further reassured. Everyone was just trying their best and figuring shit out, same as him. Maybe he shouldn’t worry about it so much, he concluded.

“Well in any case, this party’s a bust on that front, I guess. You guys wanna dance instead?”

Kenma was hesitant, but he did what he came there to do. He let his friends drag him onto the dance floor, and followed their lead.

He was exceptionally stiff at first, not having done this much at all. But his friends and the alcohol managed to loosen him up, and eventually he was having fun despite himself.

He danced, he laughed, he took some shots. Sakusa taught him some moves by standing behind him and placing his hands on Kenma’s hips, guiding them to sway to the beat, and relaying encouraging instructions into his ear. Akaashi was doing a similar thing in front of him, his hands on the shorter man’s shoulders.

They moved in sync, snickering whenever they caught some guy looking at them like he wanted to join in. Kenma felt unexpectedly free on that dance floor, just able to be so unapologetically themselves.

They eventually left when some random guy started dancing up on Akaashi, and spent the walk home in a fit of giggles recounting everything that happened that night.

“Your dancing wasn’t that bad once you loosened up. It was pretty hot, actually,” Sakusa encouraged as they were walking down the hallway to the two’s apartment. They decided to have a little sleepover since they were having a good time and didn’t want the night to end.

“Noooooo, I don’t even know what to do with my hands half the time,” Kenma chuckled, still a little buzzed.

“I think that tall guy with the glasses didn’t care. He was looking at you the entire time like he wanted to devour you.”

“Shut up. No he wasn’t,” Kenma argued, all giggly and tipsy. But he felt himself sober up instantly when he saw that there was someone waiting by their door.

“Kenma dancing, huh? Thought I’d never see the day,” Kuroo quipped as they approached.

“Kuro? What are you doing here?” Kenma asked, trying to be impassive but unsure how successful he was at that, considering his inebriated state.

“Really? That’s my greeting?” The older man whined in jest. “How about, hey my handsome best friend, I missed you!”

Akaashi and Sakusa shared a pointed look before the setter cleared his throat to dissipate some of the awkwardness that hung in the air.

“Kuroo-san, hello,” he greeted as he moved to open the door for everyone. “Not sure if you’ve met Sakusa here.”

“I don’t think so. I have heard of you, though. Hey there, Sakusa-kun.”

“Hi,” Sakusa replied as they all entered the apartment.

“Kiyoomi and I will be in my room. Just shout if you need anything,” Akaashi stated as he led Sakusa to his room and left the two alone.

“So that’s the best friend, huh?” Sakusa asked once they were inside.

“Yup,” Akaashi confirmed, popping the P.

“You’re so right. They’re definitely in love,” the spiker giggled, already catching a vibe despite this being the first time he saw the two together.

Akaashi had offhandedly mentioned that Kenma had a best friend from high school he was definitely secretly in love with, and it wasn’t hard to see that that was indeed the case.

“Shhhhh,” Akaashi scolded, but chuckled with him anyway. “Don’t let them hear you. I don’t think they know, oblivious idiots.”

“Are you kidding? That Kuroo guy looked like he wanted to punch me when he heard me say that some guy was looking at Kenma,” Sakusa whispered. “Like, don’t kill the messenger, sir,” he joked.

“I know,” Akaashi sighed. “He even texted me yesterday just to make sure that Kenma wasn’t dead and was eating properly, just because he hadn’t replied all day.”

“Damn. Well, I hope he figures out that he’s in love with Kenma soon enough. Did you see him at the party tonight? Guys would’ve been all over him if we weren’t surrounding him on that dance floor.”

They talked more about how comfortable Kenma had gotten as they got ready to turn in for the night. He was pretty reserved when they first met, and seemed to be clouded by uncertainty when it came to… certain things.

But with time, he started becoming comfortable with them, eventually joining in on the boy talk too. They had a feeling, but they obviously didn’t want to push him to talk about it if he didn’t want to. So they were glad he started to open up on his own.

And he really came out of his shell that night, drinking and dancing with them, and even candidly asking questions about their experiences as openly gay men. They were proud of his progress, and were happy to help him where they could without making a big deal about it, since Kenma seemed hesitant about the whole thing.

Either way, they were ready to lend Kenma a shoulder or two the following day in case he needed it, considering the palpable tension in the room they just left.

***

Kenma was still feeling a little awkward about the situation as he grabbed Kuroo a glass of water and led them to the couch.

He wasn’t sure what Kuroo did and didn’t hear. But if he was able to joke about the dancing, then he probably heard Sakusa teasing him about the guy too.

He was a little freaked out, because he wasn’t ready to come out to Kuroo just yet. He was just beginning to find his bearings with this whole thing. Not to mention the fact that he wasn’t over Kuroo, either.

Not wanting Kuroo to have a chance to ask, he decided to take control of the conversation.

“Stop pouting, dummy. It’s not that I’m not happy to see you. Of course I am. You just caught me by surprise, is all.”

“I know,” the older man replied with a weak chuckle. “Sorry. I probably should’ve texted first. But practice got cancelled and I thought I would surprise you.”

“You didn’t have to—”

“I know that, silly. But I wanted to,” Kuroo interjected. “It’s been over a month, did you know that? That’s like the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other.”

“Not long enough,” Kenma joked, placing his legs over Kuroo’s thighs and lying down on the couch. He thought he ought to initiate some contact so his best friend knew that he really was glad to see him.

“Hey!” Kuroo grumbled, but he gently placed his hand on Kenma’s ankle anyway, as he got comfortable and rested his head on the back of the couch.

“It really is good to see you, Kuro,” Kenma admitted, feeling the older man’s thumb drawing circles on his ankle as they both stared into the ceiling.

And he meant it. But at the same time, the surprise visit was once again fueling his delusions more than necessary. To think that he had just made so much progress recently, especially that night, only for his heart to get right back on its bullshit the moment he saw Kuroo again.

It was ridiculous. He was so hopeless.

They spent some time just cuddling on the couch while they caught up on each other’s weeks, Kuroo thankfully not bringing up what he overheard about the guy earlier.

Kenma insisted that Kuroo sleep on the couch, reasoning that he only had a double bed here as opposed to the queen he had back home and didn’t want the older man to kick him in his sleep. But in reality, he didn’t think his heart could handle being that close to Kuroo all night after not being around him for so long.

Kuroo relented after complaining for a while, and Kenma sighed in relief. He might actually have spontaneously combusted in his sleep otherwise. But he was safe for tonight, at least.

He didn’t know how much longer he could last burying his feelings like this, though. So he went to sleep that night resolute to ask Akaashi and Sakusa for some much needed advice the moment Kuroo left for Tokyo.

Chapter Text

Kenma wanted to take it back. Sakusa and Akaashi’s advice was not helpful in the slightest, since it seemed like they were even more delusional than he was—which was a feat all on its own.

Because the first words out of their mouths were, “Have you thought about telling him how you feel?”

And the answer was hell no. Kenma hadn’t thought about that at all, not even for a second. And he told them as much.

“Fuck no. Kuro’s straight, guys,” he said, to which the two just shared a pointed look in response.

“What?” Kenma asked as he looked back and forth between the two who seemed to be communicating with each other through their eyes. Akaashi cleared his throat after their wordless conversation ended with Sakusa tilting his head towards Kenma, as if gesturing for Keiji to relay to him whatever the hell that was all about.

“Do you remember that thing we said about picking up on someone’s vibes in the absence of an explicit confirmation of their sexual orientation?”

“Yeah…?”

“Well, we don’t want to assume Kuroo-san’s sexuality or anything, but…” Akaashi started, looking at Sakusa in a plea for him to finish his sentence for him.

“But what?” Kenma followed up, his confusion growing.

“We think he might be a little fruity,” Sakusa stated, making Akaashi snort. The spiker narrowed his eyes at his reaction, casually scolding him for laughing during what was otherwise a serious moment.

“What? You’re the one who phrased it that way,” Akaashi defended.

They turned their attention back to Kenma after Sakusa elbowed Akaashi and mumbled, “Be serious,” under his breath.

“Kuro? No way. He’s so straight,” Kenma responded after giving himself a moment to process what they just said. “All his friends are dudebros. He’s only ever been with girls. And I’ve even heard him say more than once that he doesn’t swing that way,” he added, using air quotes on that last phrase.

“And we acknowledge that. Maybe he is straight, for all we know. Again, we don’t want to assume anything if he says he’s not gay. But there’s also a chance that he’s just in denial, you know? It takes a little more for some people to even acknowledge and subsequently question the heteronormative box that they’re in, let alone to get out of it,” Akaashi explained.

They didn’t necessarily want to psychoanalyze Kuroo or anything, and they didn’t want to needlessly get Kenma’s hopes up if the man was indeed straight. But they felt that it was important to at least share their observations, so Kenma can have all the possibilities in mind before he decides to just completely dismiss his feelings for the guy.

Kuroo could be straight, sure. That was fine. But they wanted Kenma to at least be cognizant of the alternative, since he didn’t even seem to consider it—blissfully unaware of how their dynamic looked to informed outside observers. It was like he dismissed that possibility without second thought, so they just wanted to make sure it was on his radar at least.

“We’ve also seen the way he is with you, and even just the way he looks at you. Well, Keiji more than me. But even I picked it up just from one interaction.”

“I’ve always gotten a vibe at previous training camps, to be honest. He even texted me just the other day to make sure you were alive just because you hadn’t replied to him. And that wasn’t the first time that happened, either.”

“Yeah, and he looked like he wanted to murder me the other night when he heard me talking about that guy looking at you,” Sakusa added.

This was a lot to take in, and Kenma just sat on the living room floor with his knees to his chest trying to process it all as his friends watched him cautiously from the couch.

Those things could mean something, sure. But they could also be easily explained away by Kuroo just being protective over his childhood best friend—which was what Kenma defaulted to whenever Kuroo made him feel a certain way, not wanting to assign meaning to things that could very well be purely platonic.

So what were Sakusa and Akaashi seeing that he wasn’t? Were they just seeing the same things Kenma was seeing, but through a different lens that allowed them to interpret it in a different way—in a way that Kenma was too cautious to allow himself to even consider?

“Look, we’re not just trying to get your hopes up or anything. Because obviously, we can’t know for sure. We’re just letting you know how it looks from our perspective, so you can maybe see the situation from a different angle,” Sakusa assured.

“Right. Because it feels like you’ve convinced yourself that there’s no way he could ever feel the same way about you. So we’re just letting you know that that’s not necessarily an absolute truth.”

“Exactly. You know, I was briefly with a guy once who swore he was straight his entire life,” Sakusa shared, feeling vulnerable and wanting to provide Kenma some comfort by sharing his own experiences.

“He said he wanted me, but had trouble with it because it was taking a lot of conscious effort for him to move away from all the preconceived notions of straightness ingrained in his brain. I didn’t get it at first, because for me, I feel like I’ve always known. So I was like, why can’t he just be honest with himself? But like Keiji said, it takes more for some people to untangle all that shit. And I realized we were just at different points in our journey, and that was okay.”

“Right. And that could also be the case here, or it could not. We don’t know. We’re not in Kuroo-san’s head. But we want you to know that it’s a possibility, is all. Do with that information what you will.”

“Yeah. We won’t convince you to confess or anything, it’s just something to consider. Hell if you decide you really just wanna forget about it, we’ll take you to the nearest gay bar right now so you can get your mind off of Kuroo if that’s what you want,” Sakusa offered, lightening the atmosphere a little after a moment of vulnerability.

“Is that what you want?”

“I mean, I think so. The whole reason I’ve kind of been keeping him at arm’s length recently was so I could get over him, and eventually come out to him once I was over him. You know, so it could stop feeling like I’ve been hiding something from him.”

“Hm, that makes sense,” Akaashi mused.

“Maybe just consider the alternative for a little bit. And if you still don’t want to tell him how you feel, then just let us know so we can get you back on the dance floor ASAP.”

“Yeah. With those moves, you’ll forget about him in no time.”

“Thanks. I’ll think about it,” Kenma chuckled while shaking his head fondly. He appreciated his friends’ insight, even though he himself never saw it that way.

“You know, I came to you thinking you were going to give me advice on how to get over a crush on a straight boy. Didn’t think you would encourage me to actually go for it,” Kenma joked.

“Well, we normally wouldn’t. But Kuroo looks at you like you’re the only person in the room, so we thought that was pertinent information.”

Kenma still wasn’t convinced, since he had spent all this time just accepting his fate, not even considering the remote possibility that Kuroo could feel the same way. He found himself wondering what it looked like from his friends’ perspectives, when in his eyes he viewed everything Kuroo did through a platonic lens—or at least tried very hard to, in self-preservation.

He had never even allowed himself to go there before. But it was definitely something to think about.

***

And Kenma did want to think about it, but he was preoccupied with midterms. He barely even had time to text Kuroo, Akaashi walking over to him with a smirk and showing him his phone every time the older man checked with him when Kenma didn’t reply.

“Still don’t believe me?” He asked cheekily each time.

“Ugh,” Kenma grumbled. “I don’t have time for delusions. I have a test to pass.”

He plopped face down on the couch after his last exam for that week, exhausted but relieved that it was over, and even more relieved feeling like he did well on all of them.

“Kenma, are you still going home this weekend?” Akaashi asked from the kitchen where he was unpacking some takeout with Sakusa.

“I guess so, why?”

“Well, my cousin is playing a V.League game in the city tomorrow and he just sent over three tickets.”

“You should come with us,” Akaashi invited. “I mean, if you’re not that committed to your plans to go home. It’ll be fun.”

“Yeah. They’re playing MSBY, so you can watch Keiji be the pining idiot for a change,” Sakusa teased. “It’ll make you feel so much better about your whole situation.”

“Asshole,” Akaashi spat out as he walked over to the living room with their food, tapping Kenma’s legs to make room for him on the couch.

“And hey, if you’re still looking to get your mind off of it, what better place to look for a distraction than a V.League after party?” He added as Kenma sat up.

“Yeah. We can find you a nice and tall pro player. You’ll forget all about Kuroo before you know it,” Sakusa smirked as he joined his friends in the living room.

“Are there even gay people in the V.League?” Kenma asked curiously. He wasn’t aware of any in his previous team aside from him, and even Kuroo’s college team seemed like the straightest guys alive. But he supposed he may have just had a very narrow view due to his limited environment back then.

“Oh, you have no idea. My cousin has all the information too, so we won’t have to guess. The league liberos have a group chat. They see everything. They know everything,” Sakusa remarked ominously, making the other two chuckle.

“You know what? Sure. Why the hell not.”

Kenma texted his parents that he would be pushing his visit a week since the exams tired him out more than he thought they would.

He hadn’t thought about volleyball in a while, and maybe immersing himself in a game would be a nice reprieve from the stress he had been under recently. The after party would just be a nice bonus, too.

***

Kuro

Hey kenma, i just dropped by your house and your parents said you won’t be visiting for another week?

Oops, he thought. He forgot to tell Kuroo that he was delaying his visit home, but he honestly didn’t mean to. He truthfully forgot that he even told Kuroo he was visiting in the first place. He was sure he only mentioned it once in passing; he didn’t think Kuroo would hold onto that and expect him there when they hadn’t made any concrete plans to meet up beyond that fleeting conversation weeks ago.

To be completely honest, even though he went into college consciously wanting to distance himself a little bit from his best friend to help him forget about his feelings, he wasn’t expecting it to work so well.

He definitely had a little relapse when Kuroo surprised him with a visit, pushing his feelings to the forefront of his mind once again. But otherwise, he surprisingly managed to keep his mind off of it better than he anticipated.

Don’t get him wrong, it was still very much there. It just went from being a constant conscious thought to being something that was subconsciously relegated to the back of his mind most times, either because he was earnestly busy with school or because he was having so much fun with Sakusa and Akaashi.

There was something about spending time with those two that made it so much easier for him to not actively think about Kuroo all the time. Maybe it was simply having good company, or maybe it was the sense of belonging that overcame him whenever he was with them. He wasn’t sure.

Either way, it was helping him. But he didn’t want it to come at the expense of their friendship. He had to learn how to successfully get over his feelings for Kuroo without being a bad friend in the process.

Me

yeah, sorry i forgot to tell you.

exams tired me out more than i expected.

i’ll make it up to you next week.

Kuro

Oh ok!! No problem

Get some rest kyanmaaaa take care of yourself ok

Miss you

He felt guilty once again, like he was somehow unwittingly taking it all out on Kuroo who just wanted to see his best friend. But he really wasn’t. He promised he would push through with the visit the following week, and was resolute to put his best friend hat on and spend quality time with Kuroo to make it up to him.

It might send him back a couple steps again in his journey to move on, but it was worth it to make sure they didn’t drift away as friends.

“You were texting him just now, weren’t you?” Akaashi teased.

“Yeah. I forgot to tell him I’m not coming home. He went to my house and had to find out from my parents.”

“Oof, that’s cold.”

“I didn’t mean to! I just forgot,” Kenma said sheepishly.

“Right. Well, anyway. Put your phone away and forget about him for now. We’re here.”

Kenma had fun watching the game. Their seats were amazing since the tickets came straight from the team, and it was a nail biter of a game too, with MSBY narrowly eking out a win.

He missed playing volleyball to an extent, but he knew from the start that he wasn’t going to pursue it further after high school. Getting to watch games live and analyze plays while staying within his player friends’ orbits was the next best thing, and he was having a good time.

He was even sufficiently excited for this little get together, even though he didn’t particularly like bars, or strangers for that matter. But he had Akaashi and Sakusa with him, and these days that alone went so far in terms of increasing his comfort level with things, so.

Bokuto waved them over the moment they entered the bar, eyes absolutely beaming at Akaashi.

Huh, Kenma thought. Was this what Akaashi saw in Kuroo and him? It couldn’t be. Bokuto was looking at Akaashi like he hung the damn stars. There was no way Kuroo looked at him like that, right?

“See that? That’s the same vibe we get from your Kuroo,” Sakusa whispered in his ear, as if reading his mind.

Kenma wanted to argue, but they quickly reached the table that Bokuto was saving for them.

“Akaaaaashi!” Bokuto exclaimed, pulling his former setter into a hug.

“Well, same vibe, just less… enthusiastic,” Sakusa whispered again, making Kenma snort.

Bokuto briefly acknowledged the other two and welcomed them warmly before turning his full attention back to Akaashi. “Did you see that last spike I did for match point?” He asked as they all sat down.

“Yes, Bokuto-san. It was amazing,” Akaashi responded, his eyes glistening just as bright with love and admiration, but obviously a little more subdued in his demeanor than his former captain.

“Yeah, yeah, you guys schooled us this time. But we won’t lose next time!” Komori interjected as he brought some drinks over for all of them and sat down beside his cousin.

Greetings were exchanged all around, and they all talked about the game that MSBY just won, players from both teams scattered around the bar.

Sakusa felt eyes on him, and his gaze eventually landed on the bar area, meeting eyes with a certain blonde who seemed to have been looking at him since they got there. He was leaning against the bar with his elbows and chatting with Suna, but his gaze never left Sakusa. The setter gave him a wink when he finally got his attention, coupled with a devastating smirk.

Sakusa rolled his eyes at the cocksure display, but couldn’t help the matching smirk that made its way onto his face. This seemed to have spurred Miya on, who was now making his way to their table, eyes locked on him.

“Hey, Omi,” he greeted, effectively ignoring the rest of the table.

“Don’t call me that,” Sakusa chided, recalling the stupid nickname the blonde had given him at training camps of the past.

“Can I buy you a drink?” Miya asked, completely undeterred by the spiker’s standoffish behavior.

“Only if you tell me the secret to that hybrid serve,” Sakusa quipped. He honestly liked how forward Miya was being. They didn’t know each other that well, but had sufficiently been in each other’s orbit since high school and just hadn’t seen each other since.

Plus, he would be lying if he said his eyes didn’t drift to the blonde’s thighs whenever he went for a low set during the game. Maybe this was the solution to the dry spell he was having.

“That’s a trade secret, but I might be willing to give it up for a drink and a dance. Just for you,” Miya added, upping the charisma even more.

Sakusa got up and followed him to the bar, but not before sighing and rolling his eyes at Miya’s overt confidence. He wanted to convey that the setter should count himself lucky that he was even entertaining his advances at all. Joke’s on him though, the blonde happened to like his snarky attitude.

“Well, there he goes,” Komori remarked.

“Thank god,” Suna said as he sat down on the seat Sakusa just vacated between Kenma and Komori. “Atsumu has not shut the fuck up about your cousin since he saw him in the stands.”

“He’s an asshole though, so sorry in advance to your cousin,” he added, making the group laugh.

“He’ll be fine,” Akaashi responded with a chuckle.

“Yeah, I would wager Kiyoomi’s an even bigger asshole than him. So don’t apologize yet,” Kenma added.

“Oh, you’re snarky. I like you. I don’t think we’ve met. Suna Rintarou,” he introduced.

“Kozume Kenma,” he replied, shaking the hand offered to him.

The group continued to drink and chat at the table, Suna taking a special interest in Kenma. What could he say? He liked his friends snarky and sarcastic. He brought him into conversations with Komori, making sure their new friend didn’t feel left out.

Kenma got along with him surprisingly well, but he supposed it shouldn’t really be all that surprising considering he’d been hanging out with Sakusa and Akaashi for months. They were equally as snarky, if only a little more understated. And he always kept up with them just fine.

“Akaashi, let’s take a picture! I wanna post it to my story,” Bokuto said as he took out his phone. He put his arm around Akaashi and took a picture of them, posting it with the caption, reunited with my best friend!!!

It felt a little dramatic, since it hadn’t even been that long since they last saw each other. They met up quite regularly, considering they both lived in Osaka now. Not as often as either of them would like though, since Bokuto was pretty busy with the season.

But each time they did, the older man always greeted Akaashi like he hadn’t seen him in years. It really was not helping with his pining.

Akaashi sighed to himself. He may tease Kenma about the whole Kuroo thing, but who was he kidding? He was in the exact same boat—just two setters hopelessly in love with their best friends slash former captains.

Maybe they could commiserate about it together later. Or, maybe they could both finally do something about it. Only time will tell.

Bokuto and Akaashi weren’t the only two who ended up being in frame, though. Unbeknownst to them, the picture that was posted had a slightly blurry Kenma in the background laughing about something or another with Suna who had an arm around the back of his chair, slightly touching the shorter man’s shoulder and looking at him with his signature cat-like stare and sly grin.

It was completely innocuous, just two new friends having a laugh in the background of a random picture—that is, unless you’re Kuroo Tetsurou who happened to be missing Kenma extra that night, eyes immediately catching sight of his blurry best friend on his phone screen. His best friend whom he thought he was going to see that weekend, but was allegedly too tired from exams to take a train home. Evidently not too tired to go to a bar though, he thought to himself.

He replied to Bokuto’s story before he could think better of it.

Kuroo

Is that kenma?

Bokuto

Huh? Oh yeah!! Didn’t notice him in the background there. But yeah, they watched our game!!!

Kuroo

Who’s that beside him?

Bokuto

Oh that’s Suna from EJP!! Do you know him? He was in Inarizaki

Kuroo

Oh. Ok thanks bokuto!

Say hi to Kenma for me

“Kuroo says hi, Kenma!” Bokuto cheerfully relayed the greeting, unaware of the potential situation brewing.

“Huh?”

“He saw you in the background of my story! Sorry I didn’t notice that you were in frame. I would’ve asked you,” he added, which prompted both Kenma and Akaashi to check their phones.

“Oh, he’s not gonna like that,” Akaashi teased when he saw how they looked in the picture. He also didn’t notice when he first saw it in passing as Bokuto took it, but it was definitely… not nothing. Especially if you were consciously trying to see something, like he thought Kuroo probably was at that moment.

“Is there drama?” Suna asked, peering over Kenma’s shoulder into his phone that displayed the picture in question.

“No, Keiji’s just being dramatic,” Kenma sighed. “He won’t care.”

“Who’s he?” Komori asked.

“Kuro, my best friend.”

“Best friend is code for something, isn’t it?” Suna teased.

“Yes,” Akaashi answered, at the same time as Kenma said, “No.”

“Oooohhh, interesting,” Komori commented as Kenma narrowed his eyes at Akaashi. 

“He did ask me who the person beside you was,” Bokuto added.

“I told you he won’t like it. He’s probably huffing and puffing as we speak,” Akaashi quipped.

“We do look pretty cozy in that,” Suna remarked, still looking at the photo.

“Hey, maybe this’ll finally make him realize,” Akaashi encouraged.

“Best friend’s in denial, huh?” Suna smirked, putting the pieces together in his head. It was a tale as old as time, he thought. “Hey, been there. I’m honored to have unintentionally helped you make him jealous,” he added with a mock salute, making the group chuckle.

Kenma laughed along with them, surprised once again at how easy and comfortable it felt to share this part of himself with people he barely knew, when just a few months ago he couldn’t even say it out loud. He supposed this was what having a true safe space was like, and was grateful that he somehow ended up here.

He enjoyed the rest of his night with his friends, but a little bit of worry did settle in his stomach. There was a sense of foreboding that he couldn’t quite place. He ignored it for the moment, but 400-some-odd kilometers away, Kuroo was having an existential crisis as we speak that would throw their whole dynamic off its axis.

Bokuto didn’t know it yet, bless him, but a single Instagram story with a blurry Kenma in the background was just what Kuroo needed to launch himself onto a winding road of confusion before realizing what was right in front of him this whole time.

Chapter Text

Kuroo was just lounging at home on a Saturday night, minding his own business—albeit missing Kenma since he thought he was going to see him that weekend, but otherwise doing fine—when suddenly he felt like everything he had ever known shifted ever so slightly.

That might sound dramatic, but it wasn’t just about the picture.

That was just the catalyst, but truly it was years’ worth of feelings he had unknowingly been burying, all being unearthed by the punch in the gut he felt when he saw the image of Kenma all cozy with some guy he didn’t know.

He had no idea what came over him, but he let his curiosity get the best of him. He ended up feeling bad about suddenly bombarding Bokuto with questions out of nowhere, even though he was sure that the ace didn’t mind.

Regardless, he stopped himself from continuing to give Bokuto the third-degree, even though a weird feeling settled in his stomach and he wanted to ask more questions.

It was a feeling he had never really felt before. And he was ill-equipped to deal with it, along with all the other confusing emotions that came with it.

Was he… jealous? Was that it? He had never been jealous before because, well, truthfully, he had always felt secure in the number one spot in Kenma’s life. He was always the first person Kenma went to for anything, he spent the most time with Kenma, he felt like he knew Kenma best, and vice versa. But as of late, that didn’t really feel like the case anymore.

See, recently, Kenma had grown immensely close with both Sakusa and Akaashi. And initially, Kuroo was relieved knowing that he had made good friends in college. It made him worry about Kenma less, knowing that he had those two around.

But the more he watched their friendship grow from the sidelines, the more he felt uneasy for reasons he couldn’t quite process at the time.

And it wasn’t just the mere fact of Kenma having friends outside of him. Sure, most of Kenma’s friends in high school were also Kuroo’s friends, pretty much. But Kuroo knew that it was only natural for Kenma to eventually branch out and develop relationships outside of him.

That wasn’t what he had a problem with, per se.

He already had a taste of that when Kenma started growing closer and closer with Hinata, but Kuroo didn’t really have an issue with that. Sure, he may have been a little standoffish when they first met. But that was just the initial protectiveness coming out, watching Kenma make a random friend on the street when he was worried about his best friend being lost in the countryside. As he watched their friendship continue however, he felt nothing but pride in the growth that Hinata had inspired in Kenma.

So no, he didn’t really have a problem with Kenma branching out. It was likely because at the end of the day, Kuroo always knew that he was still Kenma’s best friend. Plus, he was still privy to those friendships to some extent, and he liked watching Kenma grow through them.

The difference with Sakusa and Akaashi, however, was that it felt like they had gotten close to Kenma and gotten to know him in a way that Kuroo never had.

And that was the part that bothered him. It felt like they were getting to see a side of Kenma that Kuroo wasn’t allowed to see for some reason.

It started with the conversation he overheard that one time he visited. Kenma had gone home drunk, coming from a party, where he was apparently dancing? That sounded like Kenma’s own personal hell. And yet the smile on his face said otherwise.

It threw Kuroo for a loop, suddenly feeling like there was this whole new facet of Kenma that he wasn’t privy to. Of course he had expected that Kenma would have all these new experiences without him when he went to college, and maybe even find new things to like that he never had before. Because the same was true for him to an extent when he went the year prior. That was normal.

But still, it hurt more than he cared to admit at the time. Because it wasn’t the fact that Kenma was suddenly doing all these new things; that was fine, obviously. He could do whatever he wanted. And Kuroo wanted him to have a full college experience. So no, it wasn’t that.

It was the fact that Kuroo felt like an outsider looking into Kenma’s new life, as opposed to being a part of it.

Because not only did he not get to see Kenma in this new light due to the simple fact that he just wasn’t there, but Kenma barely talked to him about any of it either. They texted a lot, sure. But it never felt like Kenma wanted to truly open up to him about all these new things he was experiencing and all the ways he’d been growing.

And Kuroo didn’t know if it was intentional, or if it was just a product of the physical distance between them. But he felt like Kenma had been keeping him at arm’s length. It exacerbated the fears he had when Kenma first told him that he was moving to Osaka last year.

Back then, he already felt like his best friend was a little distant, and that he was keeping something from Kuroo. Now, it felt like that distance had gotten so much more vast. And it terrified him.

Kuroo wanted to fix it, but he didn’t know how.

He tried to propose regular visits so he could be around Kenma frequently, thinking it would make him open up more if he was there. But the younger man never seemed amenable to that.

He tried to tease Kenma sometimes about how he wanted to see these new dance moves he’s been hearing about, thinking that going the casual joking route would make the younger man more comfortable to talk to him about these things. But that didn’t work either, as he would just dismiss it with a laugh and move on to the next topic of conversation.

Kuroo was at his wit’s end. He had gradually been feeling this distance grow between them over the past year and he couldn’t do anything but watch it happen.

He could’ve tried to be more persistent about visiting, but he didn’t want to seem overbearing. He could’ve insisted that Kenma tell him right then and there what he was hiding from Kuroo, but he didn’t want to push if his best friend didn’t want to tell him.

He wanted him to open up of his own volition, but Kuroo didn’t know how to nudge him towards that direction without feeling like he was forcing him to share something he might not be ready to.

Because he knew that he wasn’t entitled to Kenma’s secrets just because they were best friends. Of course not. But to him it seemed like Sakusa and Akaashi were let into that particular door, so he found himself asking why he wasn’t.

He was missing some important context obviously, that being the reason why Kenma had been more comfortable with those two than he was with Kuroo in terms of this one particular thing. Kenma opened up to them because they were very clearly a safe space for him to express his sexuality.

But Kuroo didn’t know that, so to him it just felt like Kenma was choosing to share this part of his life with Sakusa and Akaashi but not him for some unknown reason. And that hurt, but obviously he didn’t blame the two. He was just feeling a little left out, but was still grateful that Kenma at least had someone to open up to. He was just wondering why it wasn’t him.

Ultimately, Kuroo was happy that Kenma seemed to be thriving out there. Even when he checked up on him through Akaashi, he always said that Kenma was doing amazing. And that was great.

Kuroo just wanted to feel like he was still a part of it, even a little bit.

Not actively, obviously, since he didn’t live there. But even just to be allowed a peek into Kenma’s mind again, to be invited in, to be included in that way.

Kenma used to let him into the deepest recesses of his brain, always rambling on about something or another as they lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. Nowadays, Kuroo felt lucky to know what Kenma had for lunch, or which professor pissed him off that week.

At the end of the day, he just wanted to feel close to Kenma again.

Instead, here he was on a Saturday night desperately waiting for crumbs from other people just to know what his best friend was up to. Did he even still have that title? Suffice to say he no longer felt secure in that number one spot.

And to think these feelings came bubbling up to the surface all because of that damn picture.

Kuroo couldn’t even reasonably explain why that picture bothered him so much. Well, for one thing, it was strange that his best friend didn’t tell him about his plans for the night—not that he was required to, but they used to tell each other everything. So not being kept in the loop even for something trivial like hanging out with a bunch of V.League players left Kuroo feeling a little sidelined.

Hearing Kenma say he was too tired to take a train home to see his best friend would’ve stung a little, but of course Kuroo would’ve understood. He always wanted Kenma to prioritize taking care of himself, so that would’ve been fine.

And yet he had it in him to party with a bunch of people he barely knew. That was the part that maybe stung. It made Kuroo feel like chopped liver, when he was willing to make the trek to Osaka every week if Kenma only let him.

So that was part of it. But mostly, it had something to do with seeing Kenma look so happy and comfortable with some dude he didn’t know. It made Kuroo’s insides twist. Not because he didn’t want Kenma to be happy—of course he did.

But who was this Suna person anyway? Why did he have his arm around Kenma, looking at him with those droopy eyes and that smirk?

Why was he looking at Kenma like he wanted him?

Now, Kuroo knew that all he had to go off of was a blurry image where they weren’t even the focus. But that was what it looked like to him. And he would swear up and down that he didn’t have a problem with a man wanting another man. He swore. It wasn’t that.

He just had a problem with someone—anyone, really, man or otherwise—wanting Kenma, apparently. He didn’t want to admit why, but seeing that picture made him feel protective over Kenma, maybe even a little possessive.

It was the same feeling that came over him when he overheard Sakusa say some guy had been eyeing Kenma at that party, except magnified tenfold because now he was seeing it with his own eyes.

It had his blood boiling for some reason. He wanted to dismiss it as him simply feeling protective over his best friend. Maybe he was just worried that Kenma now seemed to have a fondness for going to parties and drinking and cozying up to strangers when he had never expressed interest in any of that in the past.

But even he knew that that was bullshit. It was a flimsy excuse because he knew that everyone who had the quintessential college experience got exposed to that stuff at some point. And he truly did not care if that was what Kenma wanted to do.

Or was he maybe feeling protective because he thought that Kenma deserved the best, and there was no way these dudes measured up? Well, sure, but he didn’t even know them. They could be incredible for all he knew. Hell, this Suna person seemed to be friends with their friends. Maybe he was cool. So no, that didn’t seem to be the reason either.

So the real question was, why did it bother him so much to see someone so close to Kenma?

You would think all of this would’ve clicked in his brain by now—Kenma has been distant lately, and there's something he's not telling me. He's also been really close with Sakusa and Akaashi, and they seem to be in the know. I heard Sakusa say some guy was interested in Kenma, and now I'm seeing some other guy look like he's also interested in Kenma. And that makes me feel a certain way—jealous—because I'm actually in love with Kenma. All of this also might have something to do with what Kenma's been hiding from me—the guys expressing interest in him, his closeness with Sakusa and Akaashi, them talking about guys, him being willing to talk to them about it but not to me. It all makes sense.

Some of those thoughts had crossed his mind in fragments, but he hadn’t gotten as far as making sense of all of them in conjunction with one another.

He was definitely starting to question things though, finally driven to a point of discomfort by the rift that he had been feeling in their relationship. And that was the first step. He just might need a little nudge and some time to marinate in all these thoughts before he can put them all together and arrive at that conclusion.

But alas, he had no concrete answers for himself as of now, so he just hopelessly kept refreshing Instagram as the night went on—hoping to get more updates on what his best friend was up to, and maybe some answers in the process.

But to no avail.

***

The following week passed by without much fanfare. There was school, there was hanging out with Sakusa and Akaashi, and there was texting Kuroo.

But something felt… off.

Kuroo had been different since the night of the V.League game. Trying to decipher someone’s mood based solely on text messages was objectively moot, but Kenma felt the shift anyway.

Kuroo still texted him little reminders to eat and take care of himself, still talked about his day and asked about Kenma’s. It was difficult to explain, but the vibes were off, though. It felt like Kuroo’s mind was elsewhere whenever they texted. And he wasn’t as overtly clingy as he used to be—no longer saying I miss you every other day, no longer playfully calling him Kyanmaaaa.

His traitorous mind immediately went to the conclusion that the picture with Suna may have clued Kuroo in on the fact that Kenma’s gay. And now he was acting aloof because he didn’t want to give Kenma the wrong idea, and was drawing a clear line between them.

Akaashi vehemently disagreed, still sticking to his theory that it actually made Kuroo jealous, and now he was acting weird because he was having an existential crisis. As did Sakusa, when he was filled in on what he missed when he was busy dancing with Miya Atsumu.

Kenma didn’t know what to believe. But either way, he felt uneasy about seeing Kuroo again.

They did make concrete plans to hang out at his house this time though, and Kenma had no idea how it was gonna go. What if the vibes in person were as atrocious as they were in their texts?

But he pushed through the nerves and got on the shinkansen to Tokyo for the first time since he left.

Sakusa and Akaashi very kindly kept him company during the trip by bombarding their group chat with stupid memes, sufficiently distracting him from spiraling on the train. It once again made him feel incredibly fond, grateful that he had them in his corner.

He took a deep breath as he walked up to his doorway. Kuroo-related nerves aside, it felt nice to be back home for the first time in months.

His mom immediately walked over to hug him as he entered, and he caught Kuroo’s eyes over her shoulder. The older man was helping set the table for dinner, and his face lit up the way it always did when he saw Kenma. It eased some of the anxiety that the younger man had been feeling, and he was glad they seemed to be okay for now.

They had dinner with Kenma’s parents who eagerly wanted to hear all about how his classes were and how his new friends were. It was shaping up to be a nice evening, and it lulled Kenma into a false sense of security.

Because the moment he and Kuroo retired to his room, the air shifted.

They tried to play some video games because that felt like safe territory. But Kuroo was much more subdued than usual, and Kenma didn’t know what the fuck to do with that.

They were still talking, still playing the game properly, still laughing about something or another. But Kuroo’s smile never seemed to reach his eyes. And it made Kenma feel like he was a world away.

“I’m a little tired, actually,” Kuroo yawned as he paused the game. “Can we go to sleep?”

“Sure,” Kenma hesitantly agreed as he put their controllers away and got ready for bed.

Not only did it feel like Kuroo’s mind was somewhere else entirely, he was also physically on the very edge of the bed. It was strange, because whenever they had sleepovers in the past, Kuroo always got as close as humanly possible.

And Kenma had had enough. He was sick of it. He resented the distance between them, even though he knew that he was the one who put it there in the first place. So he decided to do something about it.

He closed the distance physically, since he had no idea how to even broach the subject of their emotional distance. He lay his head on Kuroo’s chest and wrapped an arm around his waist.

He heard the older man’s breath hitch before immediately melting into Kenma’s embrace like nothing was wrong.

“Hey,” Kuroo whispered as he wrapped one arm around Kenma’s shoulder. “Everything okay?”

“I should be the one asking you that,” the younger man responded with a pout.

“Yeah? And why’s that?” Kuroo asked, unable to help the small smile that made its way onto his face. Things had been weird, and he could feel a tense conversation coming up. But he could hear the pout in Kenma’s voice, and could only imagine how his little pouting face looked smooshed against his chest right now as his hand clutched the older man’s shirt. It was probably so cute, and it momentarily distracted Kuroo from the awkwardness, lightening the atmosphere before things got more serious.

“Because. You’ve been… weird.”

“Weird?” Kuroo chuckled, feeling Kenma nod against his chest. “How so?”

“Just… weird. You know what I mean. Don’t pretend like you don’t,” Kenma chided. He knew he was being just a tiny bit bratty about it, but petulance usually went a long way for him—especially with Kuroo who was very weak to his best friend’s pout and always gave in immediately whenever that tactic was employed.

“Hm,” Kuroo sighed. He supposed they probably should talk about it instead of just blatantly ignoring the tension in the air. He still didn’t have it all figured out, but he tried to explain how he was feeling as best he could.

“I’m sorry. I just…” He started as his other hand found Kenma’s, unclasping it from his shirt and holding onto it for dear life as he prepared for a moment of vulnerability. “I’ve been feeling so far away from you these days, you know? And not just in the physical sense. I feel like you don’t tell me things anymore.”

And there it was. That really was the root of this growing distance between them, wasn’t it? Kenma was keeping a part of him from Kuroo, and of course it didn’t go unnoticed. Not enough to permanently alter their friendship or anything, but when you spend your whole life glued at the hip, even the smallest bit of distance is easy to spot because it can feel so monumental in comparison.

Kuroo continued, “Like, since when did you like going to parties and bars? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I just… It feels like Sakusa and Akaashi know you better than I do these days.”

No one will ever know me better than you do, Kenma wanted to argue. But honestly, there was some truth to what Kuroo was saying. Kenma had allowed Sakusa and Akaashi into a part of his life that his own best friend didn’t have access to, and for good reason. But that didn’t mean it didn’t still hurt Kuroo.

“I’m sorry, it’s just… They understand me, Kuro.”

“And I don’t?” Kuroo protested, sitting up at the implication.

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Kenma defended as he sat up too, now looking directly at Kuroo and seeing the hurt painted all over his face.

“Then what is it?” The older man pleaded, desperately searching Kenma’s eyes for answers to no avail.

“Look, Kenma,” he sighed when it became clear from the silence that followed that the younger man was hesitating to answer.

“I don’t want to force you to tell me things if you don’t want to. And I’m glad that you feel comfortable with them, I really am. But I can’t pretend like it doesn’t hurt that it feels like you’re drifting away from me in the process. And I can’t pretend that that’s not the reason why things have been weird lately,” he hesitantly admitted, knowing it was a necessary conversation to have if they wanted even a semblance of their old closeness back.

Kenma felt frozen in place. He didn’t want to continue to hide things from Kuroo if it was going to keep driving a wedge between them, but he didn’t know if he was ready to tell him everything quite yet.

He felt like he was at a crossroads.

Either he could let things continue as they are, and he keeps getting more comfortable with himself and slowly getting over Kuroo, but their friendship suffers in the process. And who knows how long it will take before he feels comfortable enough to tell him everything? Will their friendship survive until then, or will they reach a point of no return by the time that Kenma feels like he can do it?

Or, he could rip the band-aid off now to prevent their strained friendship from getting to that point, while they’re still in a place where they can fix it easily. But what about his feelings, then?

“Kenma, it’s me. You can tell me anything,” Kuroo implored, slowly reaching out to take Kenma’s hand in his once again, brushing his thumb over the younger man’s knuckles to give him some comfort.

Kenma looked down at their joined hands and contemplated his predicament. He definitely still didn’t want to tell Kuroo he had feelings for him, but maybe he could come out to him without doing that. Maybe he could separate those things for now, since keeping all of it from him had been weighing on both of them for so long.

He took a deep breath and felt Kuroo lightly squeeze his hand as a sign of support.

“Alright,” he sighed. “The reason I’ve been opening up more to Keiji and Kiyoomi is because they understand. Not that you don’t, but they understand how I’ve been feeling specifically, since they’ve been through similar experiences, I guess. So they’ve been a safe space of sorts for me.”

“Okay,” Kuroo nodded, encouraging him to keep going.

“They’ve really helped me be more comfortable in my own skin recently and just… I don’t know, just get out of my head and express myself in ways I’ve never been able to before.”

“That’s great, Kenma,” Kuroo reassured, giving his hand another squeeze.

Kuroo was being very encouraging, but the air felt so thick with tension that it made Kenma miss the very casual nature of how he came out to Sakusa and Akaashi. This felt very formal in comparison to him just offhandedly telling those two that he thought some guy had nice thighs.

Regardless, he appreciated that Kuroo was trying. And he felt extremely cared for and safe with him in that moment.

Kenma didn’t know what else to say though, so he thought that was enough preamble and decided to just come right out and say it.

“Kuro, I’m gay.”

Kenma felt like his heart dropped into his stomach, but he also felt like a massive weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

This wasn’t the first time he was having a conversation like this, but telling Kuroo specifically—all things considered—was especially overwhelming. So much so that he felt tears start welling up in his eyes. But before they could even have a chance to fall, Kuroo pulled him into a hug.

“Oh, Kenma,” he cooed, one hand finding purchase in half blonde hair, and the other rubbing his back.

“Why are you crying?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“Did you think I was gonna judge you for this or something? Is that why you didn’t tell me?” Kuroo asked as he pulled away so he could hold Kenma’s face in his hands and get a good look at him, wiping a tear away in the process.

“Not exactly, I just… I don’t know. Your friends are all very straight,” he quipped, needing some levity from the weight of the conversation they were having. And it worked, getting a soft laugh out of Kuroo.

God, had Kenma missed that sound. Kuroo’s smile finally reached his eyes again, and Kenma was relieved that the tension in the air had cleared. Sure, he was still hiding something from him, but he can get over his feelings eventually. This was more important.

“I guess they are,” Kuroo chuckled. “I’m sorry if that gave the impression that I wouldn’t be accepting. Thank you for telling me, Kenma,” he added as he pulled him into another hug.

“Oh god, did I seem homophobic? I’m so sor—” Kuroo couldn’t even finish his panicked sentence before Kenma burst out laughing, making Kuroo laugh too.

“I’m glad you’re cool with it,” Kenma said once the laughter petered out and they lied back down to settle under the covers.

“Of course. God, I’m so sorry. I was being such a baby, pouting about you not paying attention to me. Meanwhile, you were out there going through all this and learning how to be more comfortable with yourself and I just—”

“Hey. It’s okay, Kuro,” Kenma interjected before he could ramble about his guilt too much. “You didn’t know. Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“You have nothing to apologize for. It’s not like you owe anyone your truth. So thank you for sharing it with me, even though I kinda forced it out of you,” Kuroo said sheepishly.

“You didn’t,” Kenma chuckled. “I always wanted to tell you, obviously. You’re my best friend. It’s just hard, you know?”

“Hm. So how’s it been? Sakusa and Akaashi been showing you the ropes?”

They talked into the wee hours of the night, Kenma recounting his journey so far and Kuroo listening intently. Although the beginning of their conversation was very serious and loaded, Kenma finally relaxed once the cat was out of the bag and was able to talk comfortably about everything without it feeling too heavy.

He talked about how he didn’t expect that the V.League was actually very gay, and how both Sakusa and Akaashi were surprisingly good at giving advice. They laughed as Kenma told stories about how ruthless Sakusa was when rejecting guys who didn’t meet his ridiculously high standards, and both fondly agreed that Miya was the perfect jerk for him that could match him bar for bar.

It felt freeing to be able to talk to his best friend openly again, and Kenma had certainly missed this. Kuroo was equally relieved, finally feeling like he was being invited into Kenma’s life again.

They fell asleep that night tangled up under the covers, both satiated that they managed to close the distance that had been haunting them. Crisis averted—for now, at least.

However, they were both still ignoring the elephant in the room.

Kuroo’s negative reaction to seeing Kenma all cozy with some guy remained on his mind. They were good now, sure. Kenma finally told him what he had been hiding, and Kuroo finally felt like a part of his life again.

But what would happen if some guy expressed interest in Kenma again? Hell, what would happen if Kenma started dating? Would Kuroo freak out again? And what would that be about? What was he going to do about it? He still had a lot to sort through in his head. But he put a pin in that thought for now, wanting to relish in this fleeting moment of peace and comfort between them after a tumultuous few months.

And Kenma… Well, he was still very much in love with Kuroo. And still very much wanted to get over him. Where should he go from here, now that Kuroo knew? Would the distance still help him keep his feelings at bay, when it felt like they were closer than ever after the night of vulnerability they just had? Or was he absolutely fucked?  

In any case, things were good. But something told Kenma that this was just the calm before the storm, and he was right.

Chapter Text

The calm thankfully persisted for weeks, but Kenma stayed anticipating the storm—because it was brewing, as was his inner turmoil.

Kuroo returned to his good ol’ unabashedly clingy self. And Kenma could no longer find it in him to reject his offers to visit, considering the renewed state of their friendship.

And it was making things increasingly difficult for his pining ass.

“I can’t do this anymore, Keiji. Do something,” he whined, voice being muffled by the fact that he was once again face down on the couch.

Kuroo had just left after his third consecutive weekend visit, and Kenma felt like he was back at square one. He was so in love with his man, and the constant attention was not helping.

He spent every waking moment of the weekend glued to Kenma’s side, having come to Osaka straight from Friday practice and not leaving until Sunday. Kenma was at least glad that the small double bed excuse stuck and he slept on the couch, because it gave him some time to breathe from his overwhelming affection. Plus, Akaashi would never let him hear the end of it if he knew how cuddly Kuroo was in bed. Platonic my ass, he could imagine Akaashi saying.

And when Kuroo wasn’t there throughout the week, he was in Kenma’s phone constantly telling random stories, sending stupid memes, asking how Kenma was, making sure he was taking care of himself, and waxing poetic about how he missed him already and what he wanted them to do for his next visit.

It was getting ridiculous, and Kenma was starting to wonder if Kuroo simply did not have anything better to do than to shower him with affection.

Don’t get him wrong, it was… nice. It made him feel very loved and cared for. But it was torment to once again be in a place where he had to constantly remind himself that it was all platonic.

“Me? What do you want me to do? You do something. It’s kinda hard to watch you like this, to be honest,” Akaashi teased from where he sat on the floor, typing away on his laptop propped up on the coffee table.

“So mean to me,” Kenma pouted, making sure he turned his head so Akaashi could see it in all its glory.

“That pout only works on Kuroo-san, you know,” he quipped back, looking away from his screen long enough to give his friend a pointed look over his glasses.

Kenma turned his face back down to the couch and harrumphed, making Akaashi snort.

“Look,” he sighed, closing his laptop shut and switching gears to a more serious tone now that he’s sufficiently poked fun at his friend. “You already know what I’m going to say. I think you should tell him how you feel. I mean, look at you. It’s eating you up inside.”

“But—” Kenma resurfaced his face from the couch so he could protest, but Akaashi interjected before he could.

“I know, I know. He’s straight. He doesn’t feel the same way. It might ruin your friendship. I get it. But what’s the alternative? You just keep drowning in your feelings while he clings to you, unaware of how that makes things harder for you?”

Kenma just looked back at him, brows furrowed in contemplation, so Akaashi continued.

“I still think he feels the same way, but I’ll humor you for a bit. Let’s say he doesn’t. Let’s say Kuroo-san really is straight, and rejects your confession. He still cares about you, so it’s not like he’s gonna be mean about it. It might be a little awkward for a while, or you might need some space from him for a little bit. But do you really think your friendship can’t survive that?”

Akaashi was right, but the idea of confessing still terrified Kenma. Kuroo had been nothing but supportive since he came out to him a month or so ago. And he had no reason to believe that Kuroo would be cruel about it if he found this out, even if he didn’t feel the same way.

Logically, he knew all that. But sometimes logic just wasn’t enough to convince your anxiety to settle down. He was still very much afraid of Kuroo looking at him differently if he knew, and of their friendship not being able to withstand that awkwardness.

So he wasn’t sure if he had it in him to follow his friend’s advice. Still, he acknowledged that Akaashi was right, and begrudgingly told him as much.

“I hate how you’re always right,” he sighed.

“Hm, so I’ve heard. But most people just can’t handle the truth,” Akaashi quipped, earning himself a pillow to the face.

“I’ll think about it, alright?” Kenma reluctantly agreed.

“Good,” Akaashi remarked as his phone pinged. He got a text from Sakusa, and proceeded to relay the message. “In the meantime, do you want to go to Onigiri Miya? Atsumu-san invited Kiyoomi, and he thinks he can get us free food too because the poor guy’s been bending over backwards to impress him. Beats having to watch you pine and mope around all day.”

“Sure,” Kenma snorted. “Man, he’s down bad huh? I thought he was an asshole too, what happened? What kind of fucking spell does Kiyoomi have him under?”

“Oh, he’s still a jerk apparently—still quippy, still matches him bar for bar. But he also does all these nice things for him. It’s like they have some sort of weird mating ritual going on. And you know how Kiyoomi is. He can probably get him to do his homework for him if he asks.”

“I can see that,” Kenma chuckled. “Hey, speaking of Jackals… If I confess, will you confess to Bokuto too?” He teased. Akaashi had been very helpful but also gave him a lot of shit, so he decided to give it right back.

“What?”

“You talk a big game, Keiji. But we’re not so different, you and I,” Kenma remarked with a smug grin.

“Hm. If I say yes, will you actually do it?” Akaashi challenged as he narrowed his eyes at his friend.

“Only one way to find out.”

They shook on it, but what Kenma didn’t know was that Akaashi had been noticing subtle signs that Bokuto seemed to want to confess to him, actually. He was just waiting for it at that point. They’d had their fair share of mutual pining, but they were a lot less in denial about it than Kuroo and Kenma these days.

So it was only a matter of time for those two. But he made the deal anyway, in case it could unexpectedly end up helping his friend get there too.

***

Unfortunately, they didn’t get to see how that would’ve panned out. Because on the Sunday of Kuroo’s following weekend visit, something happened.

They just got back to the apartment from watching a shitty romcom after having lunch. It was supposed to be a quick stop, Kuroo intending to just grab his stuff before catching his train back home.

They spent the entire runtime of the movie as well as the walk back home laughing at the ridiculous plot and doing impressions of the bad acting. They had so much fun that they were still giggling by the time they made it to the genkan, and Kuroo felt like he was floating.

He took off Kenma’s jacket for him and hung it on the coat hanger. And when he looked back at his best friend, he suddenly felt so incredibly overcome by affection. He felt like he was punched in the face by it, as he watched Kenma recount his favorite part of the movie in a fit of giggles. Kuroo thought he looked so beautiful like that, just laughing so openly and unabashedly, and talking animatedly about something silly.

He felt like his hand moved on his own, seeing the strand of hair that fell on Kenma’s face and tucking it behind his ear. And then his hand just lingered there, thumb moving to caress the younger man’s cheek.

The sudden intimate gesture took Kenma by surprise, making him stop in his tracks, giggly movie rant dying on his tongue. Sure, they were usually fairly touchy and that was normal. But this came out of nowhere. And as he looked up at Kuroo, the dopey look on his face felt different somehow, charged with something he had never seen before.

That suspicion was confirmed when Kuroo’s gaze dropped to his lips, and a moment of silence passed before he slowly started leaning in.

Kenma put a hand on his chest to stop him, refusing to get caught up in the moment. If they were gonna do this, he needed to be sure that Kuroo felt the same way. He needed to know that this was real.

If Kuroo was about to kiss him out of nowhere, he needed to know that the older man wasn’t just being driven by some fleeting moment of curiosity. He needed to know that Kuroo meant to do it, and wasn’t just doing it on a whim.

Because what if he just did it without thinking, and then subsequently realized he didn’t actually like it? Kenma wouldn’t be able to survive that. He wouldn’t be able to survive knowing what Kuroo tasted like, then having to go back and pretend like he didn’t.

Obviously he wasn’t opposed to kissing the man he’s been in love with for god knows how long, when that exact desire had been tormenting him for longer than he would care to admit.

But Kenma was always cautious with everything, especially his own heart. So he just wanted to make sure Kuroo knew with absolute certainty what the hell he was doing. Because once you cross that line, there’s no going back. At least not for Kenma, who has wanted this for a while.

So he asked, “What are you doing?”

“I, uhh…” The question broke Kuroo out of his daze, as if just now remembering where he was, dropping his hand like the touch suddenly burned. What was he doing? He didn’t know.

One second he was just laughing with his best friend, the next he found himself wanting to kiss him. It was such an abrupt thought that he didn’t have time to stop himself from leaning in and consider the implications first before potentially changing the very dynamic of their friendship forever.

He was panicking now. He didn’t know how to explain it to Kenma when even he didn’t know what the fuck he was thinking. He was just so overcome by affection in that very moment that he let his instincts take over. But what did all of that mean? Did he like Kenma that way? Was he even gay? What was going on? He had no idea, because he had never thought about it.

But he couldn’t deny what he felt in that moment. He knew that it was real, he just didn’t know how to make sense of it. Kuroo’s mind was going into overdrive, and apparently Kenma had the same questions he had. And nobody had the answers.

“Kuro,” he started as he walked to the couch with his best friend in tow, so they could stop standing in the fucking genkan for this loaded conversation they were about to have.

“Are you gay?” He asked as they both sat down, deciding to go the straightforward route. He carefully observed Kuroo’s expression. The man looked like his life was flashing right before his eyes, and Kenma empathized. He was probably so confused. Kenma felt bad for him, but he also felt bad for himself because the love of his life just tried to kiss him and yet can’t seem to fathom why.

“...No?”

“Bi?”

“Uhh… No?”

“Are you even attracted to men in any way, shape, or form?”

“I—I don’t think so…” Kuroo answered fairly quickly, but without a hint of certainty in sight. He was clearly very confused, and was just answering the questions as he always had, even though his mind was seemingly pointing him elsewhere.

“Then why did you try to kiss me just now?”

“I don’t know. I was just looking at you… and then I just thought—I don’t know.”

Now Kenma really felt bad for himself, because what do you mean you just tried to kiss me but you’re still trying to tell me that you’re not attracted to men.

It wasn’t like he was expecting Kuroo to have a label for himself already when this seemed to be the first time he was even considering any of this. It wasn’t like Kenma immediately knew what he identified as either, the moment he started questioning things. But the outright denial still stung regardless.

However, it felt like there was at least something there. Kenma could kind of see now what his friends meant when they said that Kuroo might just be in denial.

He could see the gears turning in Kuroo’s head. He could see that while Kuroo was still saying that he was straight, his actions seemed to betray something else entirely. There was a conflict within him, it seemed. So while it still did not lead to an outright confirmation, the attempted kiss was definitely a big red arrow pointing to the fact that Kuroo was at the very least questioning things.

Seeing his best friend so confused made Kenma want to lead this conversation with empathy, trying to take into consideration how lost Kuroo must feel right now. He recalled Sakusa’s story and Akaashi’s advice, reminding himself that it just takes more for some people to get out of that box and accept that they might not fit into it.

Remembering that, he recentered himself and decided to stop giving Kuroo the third degree, opting for a more gentle approach. He felt a little bad asking such direct questions now that he knew that Kuroo didn’t have any of the answers yet, so he pivoted to just checking in with his best friend and how he was feeling.

He put his own feelings aside for a moment and just tried to focus on Kuroo, despite the worry brewing in the back of his mind about how much this could hurt for him, depending on how it all plays out.

“Kuro. Are you okay?”

“I don’t know… Kenma, I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I did that, I just…” Kuroo sighed, unable to come up with an explanation.

“Just what? Can you talk to me about it?” Kenma asked as gently as he could.

He tried to give his best friend the space to get his thoughts together, but it didn’t feel like they could reasonably arrive at a conclusion right then and there considering how scrambled Kuroo’s head seemed to be.

The thought did cross his mind that an easy way for Kuroo to be able to figure it out was just for him to go ahead and try kissing Kenma. If he likes it, then good. He’s gay. Happily ever after for the two of them. If he doesn’t, then maybe not. But then what?

He empathized with the struggle, he really did. But at the same time, he wasn’t willing to offer himself up as an experiment, because that would not be good for him considering his feelings. Maybe some people could do it, maybe he could even do it under different circumstances. But not in this case.

Kenma was secure in his sexuality already, and he had quite the journey to get there. He was also sure about his feelings for his best friend. It was okay if Kuroo was still confused, but that was on him to figure it out.

Kenma could help in some way if he wanted—which he did, of course, this is his best friend we’re talking about—but he wasn’t obligated to put his own feelings on the line for Kuroo’s pursuit of clarity. He could be there for him in this journey in other ways, but it would be unwise for him to help in that way knowing it could hurt him in the process. Again, Kenma was nothing if not cautious.

Sakusa’s story still rang in his ears—they were just at different points in their journey, and that was okay.

They sat in silence for a while, Kenma’s question remaining unanswered and Kuroo just staring into space. So he spoke up again.

“Look, Kuro. I think you might have some stuff you need to figure out. I don’t know what’s going on in your head right now, and I don’t think you do either. That’s okay,” he reassured.

“Yeah?” Kuroo asked, brows furrowed but voice tinged with hope, as if needing to know that the confusion he felt was normal, and that he didn’t just fuck their friendship up with whatever the hell he just did.

“Of course,” Kenma encouraged, hoping the reassurance came across in the small smile he offered.

“You’re not mad at me?”

“Of course not,” he assured. “Just maybe don’t try doing that again until you figure things out.”

Kenma was aware that that last statement could very well sound like a confession from him. The unspoken part was, but if you do figure things out you can absolutely try kissing me again. I won’t be opposed. But he assumed that Kuroo was in no headspace to interpret it as such, and he was right.

“Okay. I’m sorry, Kenma. I don’t know what’s going on with me,” Kuroo said with a weak chuckle, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

I do. You may have realized that you’re gay for a very brief moment but refuse to acknowledge it for some reason, Kenma wanted to say. But he didn’t, not wanting to put words in his best friend’s mouth. This was something he had to come to terms with himself, just as Kenma had. 

Having a little bit of space away from Kuroo really helped him in those early days, so Kenma figured that the same might be true here. Still, he wanted to help if he could, but he wasn’t sure how involved he could be without feeling like he was pushing Kuroo to the conclusion that would be ideal for him and his own feelings towards the older man. 

It was overall a murky situation, him wanting to help Kuroo figure this out but not wanting to lead him one way or another. Kenma was lucky, he met Sakusa and Akaashi along the way and they helped him out a lot without even necessarily meaning to at times. Could he be for Kuroo what Sakusa and Akaashi were from him, when there were romantic feelings involved that could potentially muddle the situation?

It felt like Kuroo’s confusion definitely involved him in whatever capacity, since he did just try to kiss him—the most ideal interpretation of it being that he realized all of this because he had feelings for Kenma, the worst interpretation being that he was already questioning things, and just tried to kiss Kenma to see if he was in fact attracted to men just because he was there and he was gay.

So honestly, Kenma didn’t know if his presence would help or hinder the man’s thought process more. Plus, he didn’t know how much it would mess with his own head to watch this unfold, knowing very well how much it would hurt if it ended up being the latter interpretation.

He wasn’t sure, and this wasn’t the best time to be having to face this conundrum since Kuroo’s train back to Tokyo was leaving in less than an hour.

So he tried to piece together a conclusion as best he could at the time.

“Kuro, you should probably leave in a bit, but—”

“What?” Kuroo asked, startled.

“Your train’s leaving soon.”

“Oh, right. Sorry, I thought you were kicking me out because you were mad,” he chuckled.

“No, dummy,” Kenma teased fondly. He was grateful for the brief moment of levity allowing him to breathe for a second, but quickly got back to the matter at hand.

“What I was trying to say is, I don’t know what you’re thinking right now. But if your confusion has anything to do with me, maybe some space will do you some good.”

“What? But…” But I need you right now, Kuroo wanted to say. He didn’t know what was going on with him, but if anyone could help him figure it out, it was probably Kenma.

It felt like a selfish plea considering he did just try to kiss his only gay friend out of nowhere without knowing for sure what the hell he wanted, so he didn’t say it out loud. Kenma was right. He needed to figure this out himself before trying to directly involve Kenma in it. He valued their friendship too much to do anything that could potentially alter it forever, when he wasn’t exactly sure yet what he wanted.

“You can still text me anytime if you need something or if you have any questions, but I think this is something you need to figure out yourself.”

Kuroo still looked worried, so Kenma reached out to take his hand as the older man had done countless times before, holding it in both of his.

“Hey. I’m here, alright? I’m not going anywhere. Just… Look inward for a bit and try to figure out what you want, okay? We can talk about it when the fog has cleared.”

“Okay,” Kuroo said with a small smile, finally looking somewhat placated. “Can I ask you one question before I go?”

“Sure.”

“How did you know you were gay?”

Kenma found himself smiling at the question. Not that long ago, he was in a place of confusion not too dissimilar from Kuroo’s. So if sharing his story could somehow help his best friend find himself too, he would be happy to tell it. And at least Kuroo was curious now. It was no longer an outright denial, and that was a step.

“Well, it’s complicated. There wasn’t just one big aha moment or anything. But you and our other classmates always talked about girls, and I never really gave a shit. No offense, by the way,” he added, making both of them chuckle.

“So I knew I wasn’t attracted to girls, but that still wasn’t conclusive. I could’ve been ace or aro or both for all I knew. I felt more sure when I found that one look from a guy made me feel more than any interaction I’ve ever had with a girl though, and it just felt more right the more I sat with that realization.”

The guy in question obviously being Kuroo, but Kenma didn’t need to tell him that—at least not right now. Thankfully, he didn’t ask.

“Thanks, Kenma,” he nodded, giving his hand a squeeze before standing up.

He left shortly after, since he was really cutting it close—but not without a tight goodbye hug and a promise to let Kenma know if he needed anything. He could not afford to miss that train, considering how expensive shinkansen tickets were, especially on a college student’s budget.

The second the front door closed behind Kuroo, all of his own feelings that Kenma pushed aside to prioritize his best friend at that moment came rushing back—all his own yearning, pining, longing, and the worry he had that all this confusion could very well lead to heartbreak for him.

He suddenly felt the weight of it all. Thankfully, he remembered that he didn’t need to shoulder it all alone as he walked over to Akaashi’s room and knocked softly, in desperate need of some company as he stewed in the uncertainty.