Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I stare at myself in the mirror and I look just as I feel.

Nervous.

I'm not afraid. I made my decision already and I won't back down from it. I’m The Great Soryu Asuka Langley, I don't shy away from battles, confrontations or.. whatever this will turn out to be. 

I’m the Second Child. It’s not the first time I plunge into the unknown without a second thought.

But still, it’s not going to help if I'm a nervous wreck.

I take a deep breath.. 

..then another.. 

..and yet another one just to keep my nerves in check.

Ok.. ok.. Calm down Soryu.. Calm down..

Let’s back up a little bit to try and make some sense of things..

In late January 2015 the being known as the Third Angel attacked. I was immediately activated as soon as the news broke out, not six months after my graduation actually. Ten long years of training and preparations would finally bear fruit. After the angel attacked, I got the order to move to Tokyo-3 and bolster NERV Japan’s ranks with my beloved Unit-02.

To say that I was excited and looking forward to it, would be a huge understatement.

I was DYING to get some real combat experience and finally show off what ten years of martial arts, firearm drills and melee combat training could do when combined with the might of the single greatest weapon system created by humanity.

When me, my Eva and my guardian set off to Japan two days after the angel’s demise, the UN decided it would be more practical to transport all of us by sea. Travelling all the way from Germany to Japan by boat might be a long way, but at least there’s basically no obstacles to contend with (although, the people at the Suez canal definitely were unprepared at first). I actually felt honored that once we made our way to the Indian Ocean we got our very own escort composed of the UN’s Combined Pacific Fleet. I might not be a military nutter, but I can at least appreciate the statement an escort of that size and kind can make. 

Still, I found myself offended that they laid down my Unit under tarp on a barge. A barge. A multibillion dollar leviathan, made with the most advanced technology available..

.. and they moved it on a gottverdammt barge. Assholes.

During the two month trip, another two angels attacked Tokyo-3 and got defeated. One by the Third child alone, the other by a combined effort between the First and the Third.

When we were two days from the rendezvous with Japan’s personnel, I decided to do something.. something that looking back at it now, was more than stupid and ill fated from the beginning.

I tried to seduce my guardian. And no, I'm not a slut. Never was, never will be.

When I was nearly eleven I got introduced to my new guardian, one Ryoji Kaji. A big block of fine Japanese beef. I was more than impressed with him. After seven long years of uncaring or irresponsible guardians, he came into my life. He gave me gifts, took me to fancy restaurants, took me shopping whenever the mood hit me and generally regarded me without an ounce of authority and frigidness like the rest of NERV Berlin or my classmates at college; he instead treated me like an equal, complimented me and was simply, you know.. there for me. Shortly after, my hormones decided to make themselves known and I started to feel certain impulses that prompted me to start exploring the world of masturbation. 

Call me a pervert, call me horny. I don’t give a flying shit. It’s a natural and healthy way to pleasure oneself and release some stress. Not long after that, I started to connect the act itself with fantasies and a whole world opened before me. 

I’m not ashamed to admit that for the following two or so years I actively fantasized about me and Kaji going at it. And I did so whenever and wherever possible. On a few nights, he brought random women into his room. I feigned sleep those times, just to faintly hear him during the deed and imagine myself in the place of the woman he was with. Over the course of those two years, I developed what I could call feelings for him, and got more and more jealous as time marched on. I wanted him to look at me the same way that he looked at those women. With lust and desire. Over time, I started planning on some way to finally bring my fantasies and desires to reality. I watched videos, read books and listened intently to some of the older girls at college whenever they talked about their boyfriends.

At the same time, I also tried to discover more things about Kaji. His likes, his dislikes, his exes.. and I came to a conclusion: every girl he brought home, he always secretly compared to his ex-girlfriend in college. Misato Katsuragi. A first class drunkard and irresponsible like few others. Coincidentally, she had been my previous guardian before Kaji. 

Yes, she would often talk about him.

Also yes, she definitely slept around a lot more than Kaji. I heard from others of her reputation.

And, you know.. 

I could hear her on some nights.. 

Whenever she wasn’t snoring from all the alcohol, she was fucking like her life depended on it.

Anyway..

On my second to last night on the carrier, both me and Kaji were laying down on a more private part of the flight deck. We were gazing lazily at the night stars and making small talk about life in Japan.

Around midnight, I made my move.

I first brought up the topic of couples and then turned it into the specific topic of women, only to finally bring it to what I wanted to discuss. Sex. 

And that was it. 

I wanted to have sex with him.

I wanted to become an adult woman.

And what better way to become such if not by losing one’s virginity? And it just had to be him. He was the only male I trusted. The only one that never disappointed me. I was ready to gift him my maidenhood and finally be regarded as an adult. If he could see me as such, then everyone else would.

And I want to state once again for the record: 

I. Am. Not. A. Slut.

I won’t give myself and my body away to the first somewhat attractive guy. At least for me, there has to be something more than simple lust before doing stuff like that. It’s because of this that I waited. It’s because of this that I chose Kaji to be my first.

So, after I brought up the subject, I innocently and lustfully asked if he could be my first. At least to my knowledge, he obviously had a surefire way with women and their pleasure if what I heard on those nights were valid examples.

Aaand then he refused and rejected me.. Dammit..

I tried once more, getting more desperate in seconds..

Rejected again.

I thought ‘Fuck it, time to exploit every male’s weakpoint’.

I leaned over him, showed him my cleavage and begged one last time that I was ready to be his, that it was what I wanted..

..Only to receive a stronger and firmer refusal. He replied that I was not ready.. that I was still too young.. that it wasn’t what I really wanted.. that HE was not who I wanted..

Needless to say that I was crushed. Disappointed. Humiliated. Undesired.

Two years of careful planning, learning and waiting went down the fucking toilet in a matter of minutes.

Still, to save face, I then played it off as some sort of twisted joke and excused myself to the bathroom. I couldn’t let him see me in that state. I felt vulnerable, weak.. worthless.

After I washed my face to try and bring some resemblance of normality to my features, I retired to the cabin we had to split for the journey. I didn’t have the courage to face him again, at least for the time being.

I was pissed and desperately sad at the same time.

How could he refuse me?!

I went to bed and tried to get some sleep. With my head still in full emotional turmoil, it didn’t come. After forty minutes of tossing and turning I got bored, so I took out his laptop and decided to kill some time. 

After browsing for a few minutes, I came across two recent documents named “First Child” and “Third Child”. 

‘Might as well check out who I'm going to work with’ I thought.

I skimmed through the first and I was not impressed in the slightest.

Ayanami Rei. First Child. 

Pale girl with red eyes and blue hair. Same age as me. Somewhat cute, definitely unique hair and eye color if natural. But had a very dull look in her eyes. I apparently got designated as the Second Child mere weeks after her.

Pretty much everything but her basic description was heavily redacted or omitted, so I got fed up rapidly.

I then opened the second document. 

Ikari Shinji. Third Child.

I scrolled through the profile. Again, same age as me. 

Also, instead of having a full complement of training achievements, he apparently got pulled in and designated as a pilot just a couple of days after the angel attacked in late January. Mmph. Curious.

I kept scrolling. 

Son of NERV’s Supreme Commander. Meh. Nepotism at its finest.

Basic EVA class weapon and firearm training achieved one week after his activation and first combat sortie. Uh, at least he has done something.

I came across his psychological profile. Mostly redacted. The part that wasn’t, said: 

“Usually stays at home. Tends to keep to himself. High degree of difficulty in trusting peers and adult figures alike. Consigned to the guardianship of Captain Katsuragi M. to alleviate eventual issues. 

Signed Dr. Akagi R. Phd.”

Damn. I was actually impressed that a complete stranger apparently behaved and got profiled exactly like me. Hey, don’t blame me! In the past I got curious and peered through my own NERV profile and basically laughed at it.

I scrolled back up to finally analyze his photo. Brown hair. Cobalt blue eyes. A little on the thin side. Not a shadow of facial hair. Soft features.

Cute.

Very cute in fact. With the potential of being handsome later in life. 

Of course, I wouldn’t confess such things even if death or torture were to be inflicted upon me.

There was something.. something in his eyes.. 

Something that threatened for me to lose myself in those strangely magnetic deep blue orbs..

I shook my head and checked the time. Upon realizing it was nearly 2 am, I closed everything up and went once more to bed.

Strangely, sleep found me almost immediately and no ever present nightmares reared their ugly heads. 

Both that night and the next.

When one and a half days later the VTOL carrying Katsuragi and the Third child arrived, I was anxious, curious and a little bit excited. Two more boys accompanied them, but I couldn't care less. 

The moment we finally came face to face I steeled myself and put on the most confident face I had. I was then introduced as the Second Child and pilot of Unit-02.

Immediately after, just because apparently I didn't humiliate myself enough two nights before, a gust of strong wind pulled up the skirt of the cute yellow sundress that I chose to wear for the occasion, consequently flashing my underwear to Misato, the deck crew and to my dismay the three boys in front of me.

And two of them stared directly at my panties. Perverts.

Curiously, the Third child’s gaze never left my face. But I still had to impart a lesson. Two in fact.

For the two perverts, you don't stare at a girl’s panties.

For the Third child, you don’t leer like an owl at a girl you just met.

So I slapped each and every one of them. Lessons learned. Hopefully.

Only for the taller and bulkier one to drop trou in retaliation.

So I slapped him a second time. Harder. Verdammter Perverser.

I then finally came around to ask which of the three was the famed Third Child. Even if I already knew, I feigned ignorance to try and appear innocently clueless. 

When I got close to him I looked him up and down, then locked gazes with him. Thin, like I suspected. Boring clothes.

And yet just as cute as in the document’s picture.

But once his eyes came into view, I hesitated.. that something from when I looked at his picture a couple nights earlier, showed up again in my brain and kept me staring for more than necessary.

I quickly blurted out that ‘he wasn’t much’, simply to distract myself and the others around.

After that, lunchtime came around. And with it, awkwardness for Misato, cheekiness from Kaji and random chit chat.

When I finally managed to get out of there, I brought the Third child with me. I wanted to show him my Unit. And maaaybe brag a bit about both my accomplishments and my Eva. I dearly hoped he was impressed and I was rewarded with at least some measure of awe and interest. 

Not a few minutes later I faced my first angel. The 6th one overall. The MAGI System later named it Gaghiel. Foul thing. A fish-like angel that swam fast, could leap considerable distances in the air when launching from underwater and had razor sharp teeth.

Without thinking twice, I immediately grabbed Shinji, I hastily threw him my spare plugsuit and told him to move his ass and follow me into the entry plug. 

A perfect occasion to show him my greatness and to observe how this mysterious and apparently ‘Invincible Third Child’ would behave in battle.

The moment he saw my plugsuit in his arms, he blushed. Hard. To keep myself from laughing, I threatened violence should he peek at me changing.

Once we were suited up and inside the plug, I tried the activation procedure..

..only to have it fail because a certain someone wasn’t thinking in german. Idiot.

Although, when he tried to say ‘Baumkuchen’ to try and fool the Eva into activation, he did have a rather cute accent.

The battle itself was actually rather badass. We got to jump ship to ship and fought the angel underwater without water-rated equipment. We then beat it by basically baiting the angel into swallowing two whole Iowa-class battleships while they self-destructed and even managed to sync perfectly with each other for a while. With him wearing no head receivers and both of us having no prior experience in having another pilot in tow.

According to Dr. Akagi, we achieved a combined sync rate close to 150% during that time.

Hell. Yes.

First sortie, first kill (even if it’s shared with the Third) and a new sync record. That day still remains one of my favourites.

Once we finally made port in Japan, the two perverts from before laughed at him for wearing a girl’s plugsuit.

For a moment, I seriously considered throwing them both into the ocean. While Shinji was shy, embarrassed and wearing a plugsuit that basically gave him fake breasts, NO ONE insults a fellow Eva pilot. Especially if he behaved admirably in battle and helped me defeat an angel.

Yet I did nothing. 

How could I? At that moment, he might have been a pilot but was still a complete stranger to me.

For the next week I got temporarily placed in a tiny apartment in the Geofront. Ugh. Horrid quarters. 

During that time I was forced to start attending the local school. Of course. Me, a college graduate with a physics and engineering degree going to a simple junior high school filled with perverted boys and innocent schoolgirls who dream of prince charmings and whatnot. Yuck. But still, it was part of the terms that I agreed to once my Eva was signed over to Japan. So, as much as I hated it, I started school once again. 

And of course, not three whole hours after I made my spectacular entrance in class, I had my locker filled to the brim with letters containing shallow love confessions, perverted comments about my body and even a couple of overtly sexual proposals should I get in contact with the writer. Disgusting.

After glancing at a couple of them, I simply threw it all in the trash without even bothering with the rest.

On the fourth day of school, I reveled in the looks of pure horror and raw fear when I dumped a whole locker worth of them in a metal bin and set fire to them in the courtyard. Probably because I had a maniacal grin while doing it. Who cares.

That same day I met the class rep. Hikari Horaki. She came by the fire I made and instantly started on a tirade about the danger revolving around fires at school. I then simply explained the situation, my motivation and the general content of those letters. She strangely went quiet but understood nonetheless. Nice girl. A bit too prim and proper for my tastes, but at least she doesn't bust my balls by asking constantly about my college experience or boys. 

Still, she did ask a few times. 

But there’s a difference between a shy question or two by a curious Hikari and the whole goddamn questionnaire the other girls came at me with.

So I decided that she would be my only friend in class, possibly in the entire school. The Idiot is obviously an idiot, his two so-called friends are even more idiotic than him and Ayanami is an extremely aloof robot girl. Almost a doll dare I say.

On the second day of school I actually tried to be friends with her y’know. The Dork did tell me that she was a loner with no friends and that she spent all her time around Evangelions. So I foolishly thought ‘Hey, we both grew up around Evas. Maybe we can be friends and actually understand one another’. 

Yet another ill fated attempt at connecting with others.

How did she answer my perfectly reasonable and peaceful offer of being friends? She made fun of me in front of the other students by saying that she will do so only if ordered. Tsk.

Such a boring doll, only able to follow orders blindly.

After that first week was up, the 7th angel decided to make landfall. The MAGI designated it Israfel.

Again, me and the Third were deployed together. But this time, in separate Evas. Him in his Unit-01 and me in my beloved 02.

Unit-01. The test type. Not as archaic and unrefined as the prototype Unit-00 piloted by Ayanami but not as advanced as my production type. Still, it’s somewhat cool looking. Almost like a Samurai’s armor. But has quite possibly the most vomit inducing paint job imaginable. Bleargh.

Anyway.

When we finally looked at the angel, it was a hunched biped. No head. No Face. Just a strange yin-yang looking sphere lodged in the middle of its chest. Obviously its core if past angels were anything to go by.

The moment we received the ‘weapons free’ command, I sprung into action with my newly acquired progressive glaive and charged towards it. The Third was shouting in my ears to wait for him and then try a combined attack. Tsk. Idiot. If you wanted to play it safe and hold back, you shouldn’t have deployed with me.

When I plunged my weapon in the angel’s flesh, it was bisected instantly. Quick and efficient kill.

Nice.

Not 20 seconds later, both halves reanimated, separated from each other and got in a fighting stance once more. 

Oh yeah. I would be able to achieve a double kill. 

Double nice.

Unfortunately for both of us, fate had a different plan in mind.

Exactly 2 minutes after we deployed, both mine and Shinji’s Evas were deactivated, their top halves buried in the hills near Tokyo-3 in a very demeaning pose. I was FUMING. Not only this damn stupid boy held me back with his yapping, but he also did not cover me properly once the angel divided in two halves.

Idiot. Idiot-Shinji.

Yeah, that moment was when I decided that I would call him as such until he could finally prove that he wasn’t as idiotic as his attitude and abilities had shown.

The angel was, at least for the time being, held back by a targeted N2 mine explosion. According to the estimates, it would regain full assault capabilities in a week’s time.

At the debriefing we were shouting at each other, hurling insults and whatnot. When both Misato and the Sub-Commander finally stopped us, they made us understand that we had until the end of the week to devise a plan to beat this crafty new angel.

Then a turn for the (at that moment) better. I got transferred into the care of Misato at her house. She would apparently be my guardian again after Kaji took a position as UN inspector inside the Geofront and obviously couldn’t take care of me anymore.

Her apartment is meh. While it has a wide balcony, big living room and a bigger bathroom than the one I had to use on the carrier, the bedrooms seem small compared to the one I had in Berlin. Bah. Whatever.

Once I got in, I instantly made a beeline for the biggest bedroom to check it out. Scheiße. Misato’s.

How could I tell? Disheveled bed sheets and clothes, piles and piles of empty beer cans, fashion and car magazines thrown at random on the floor and a vibrator sticking out from under the bed. Knowing how much of a slob she is, she probably never washed anything in the room. 

Ew. Yuck. Pervert. Clean up your gottverdammt room you drunkard!

I turned and went for the second. Smaller, but still rather acceptable. Much cleaner, tidy too. And best of all, did not reek of stale alcohol. But it was the Idiot’s. The white school shirts folded on the dresser were a dead giveaway.

Well, now that I finally arrived he would be thrown out and I would be able to settle in comfortably.

Once the movers brought my stuff, I had them move the Dork’s meagre possessions into the nearby closet room to make space for mine. From now on, this room would be my chambers. Soryu private property. Death and Destruction shall be brought henceforth to whomever enters uninvited or unauthorized.

After unpacking some bath essentials and some clothes, I hopped into the shower to clean the sweat and grime from my hard work. While under the water stream, I thought about what happened since the year started. My activation. My journey to a foreign land. The disappointing and incredibly awkward night of my failed seduction of Kaji.. 

Sometimes, while showering or during a bath, I touch myself. Not exactly the most comfortable location, but has its benefits.

Namely the showerhead and the ease of cleanup. 

Usually in those moments, I would think of Kaji.. the things we would do if I had my way..

But ever since I made landfall in Japan, I didn’t do it once. Be it embarrassment, disappointment or straight up lack of libido, but I couldn't bring myself to even think about it.

My one chance with Kaji was blown and it wasn’t like I could just up and find someone else to do it. I’m not that kind of girl. And I never will be. 

I might be ashamed and scared to admit it, even to myself, but I always desired affection. Be it physical, emotional or both. After Mama’s death, my asshole father’s cheating, second marriage, subsequent abandonment of me and a string of uncaring guardians in the following years, I possibly have the worst case of trust issues in history. 

Throughout my early childhood and training I eliminated everything save for one single goal. 

Be the best. At everything I learned to do.

If I was the best, people would notice, pay me attention.. Maybe even give me the affection and care I deeply desired after being abandoned time after time, simply because I demonstrated weakness or willingness to become attached.

But how can I be the best if I’m not an adult? How can I, if I'm not even treated as an equal? So I forced myself to grow up. I tried my best to be independent, just like an adult would. Every single step I took towards that goal, I cheered loud and clear. And in less than ten years, I managed to achieve more than an adult would in twenty.

Firearm drills records, a Physics and Engineering degree, sky-high sync ratios with my Unit, piloting the best military asset on the planet.. Every achievement, one more notch under my belt. Step by step, I would become an adult on my terms. And yet, an empty success. Yes, I did loads of stuff to try and grow up faster (I literally danced in the bathroom once my first period hit).. but people still saw me as an overachieving little girl..

That’s why I truly thought that Kaji would be the one to deliver the affection I craved and finally usher me into adulthood. But once he rejected me, I understood. 

He might have cared, but he never, ever wanted me the way that I wanted.

The extreme age difference, my own lack of experience, him still being hung up on Misato.. it has always been a fool’s hope. A hopeless fantasy that would never be reality.

The result? No one might be good enough for me. 

And I’m not saying this out of arrogance or pride. 

Everyone I’ve ever cared about in these thirteen and a half years has always deserted me at one point or another. Even those that seemed the most reliable. Fuck ‘em. I’m not going out of my way to open up to someone only to be hurt in return.

If they want me in their lives, they will have to work hard.

And figure things out without me having to dish out words of encouragement every two seconds. One sporadic hint I’m willing to give if I’m interested enough. But a whole truckload of them and make a fool out of myself? 

In your dreams.

Anyway, after I finished my shower, my musings and I started redressing myself, the front door opened. Probably the Third. ‘Feast your eyes and weep Third child. Ya just got replaced’ was my first thought while drying my fiery red mane.

But once I got out of the bathroom and headed towards my room, things got tense. The Idiot had the gall of looking annoyed that I touched and moved his stuff into what probably is no more than a cubby with a couple of shelves.

I needed the space and he didn’t. Simple logic.

So I told him as such.

And he kept looking annoyed. Idiot.

Not long after, Misato finally showed up. At that moment I hoped she would clear up the situation and finally confirm my hopes of not having to live with an Idiot.

When she spoke next, I thought that the universe truly hated me and wanted me to suffer.

Apparently, the plan to beat the angel was dancing.

Dancing.

Fucking dancing.

With matching spandex leotards.

Surprisingly enough, this was the first time me and Shinji actually were on the same page and shared the same opinion. That it was possibly the dumbest and craziest plan ever devised.

Misato was relentless. That was the order and we would follow it to the letter. Otherwise humanity as a whole would go bye bye in seven days time.

Oh and I forgot the ‘best’ part of it all. From that moment on, me and the Dork would share a roof. And not just for this mission, but permanently.

Oh Joy.

The rest of the day was spent fumbling through the first stages of ‘sync training’ and organizing the twister-kinda-looking training mats we were to use while dancing. A circle would light up and we would need to hit it within a time threshold. If successful, the next circle would light up and the ‘dance’ would continue. If not, we would restart from the beginning. 

The routine for the following week was strangely simple.

Wake up, breakfast, train until noon, lunch, train until dinnertime, dinner, some free time for whatever and then sleep.

And we would have to do it all together. At the same time. In the same manner. In perfect sync.

God fucking dammit.

In fact, the only thing not required to do together was bathroom business save for face washing and brushing our teeth. Misato being the pervert that she is, of course would constantly joke and tease about doing even THOSE together.

Ugh. I hated her so much during that week.

The first day, we started the humiliation. We flailed around like complete imbeciles.

The second day, I had the routine perfectly memorized from A to Z (thank you, almost photographic memory). The idiot still flailed around. But we discovered a small issue with both training mats after lunch break. The Stupid boy was less imprecise, but was still flopping around like a fish out of water.

Whenever I wasn’t looking, I just knew he would stare at me. From what I could tell, he paid the most attention to my legs and my face. Pervert.

Yet for some reason, I could not bring myself to tell him to stop. Probably because I myself threw sneaky glances at him when he was distracted or fully focused on the routine. Although I kept rejecting, destroying and burying the idea, he wasn’t exactly a bad sight. Lean, almost no body fat around and the leotard did enhance what muscle mass he had (if it can be called as such that is).

On the same night something completely alien happened. I dreamed of the Idiot. I woke up in the middle of the night sweating and unbearably hot. To make matters worse, my undergarments were not exactly dry. 

I never wet the bed once in my life, so I KNEW what it was. I outright refused to acknowledge it. In the end I simply compartmentalized it all in a deep recess in my mind. Never to be picked up or spoken of. Just like regrets and fears.

The third day was by far the worst of all. Just before lunch, we received visitors. And guess who they were..

Hikari. And the two perverts Aida and Suzuhara. The Idiot’s ‘friends’.

I was an explosive mix of shame and fury the moment they showed up and asked why we were wearing matching outfits and talking in sync. Hikari even accused us of ‘living in sin’. For such an innocent girl, she certainly jumped to the most perverted idea at the first chance.

(Un)Fortunately, Misato showed up not long after with the doll in tow. Yay.

After a short and to the point explanation, we finally got back to training. And flailing like idiots. But this time we had an audience.

Misato got so exasperated with us failing at it, that she tried to put Ayanami in my place. I knew it was hard to sync as required, so I accepted and readied myself to laugh at the First child the moment she would start fumbling.

She made it seem effortless for how easy she synced with Shinji. For the previous two days I blamed him constantly for every error we committed. And he would always apologize. He would apologize to the point of driving me nuts.

But when Ayanami effortlessly synced and performed the routine with him, I felt the same way I did whenever I got ignored. Useless. Replaceable. Worthless.

Shinji wasn’t making that many errors. It was my fault. He needed someone that would accompany him, not lead him.

Offended and humiliated, I ran. Barely even aware of it all until I entered the convenience store across the street.

I ducked inside and crouched in front of the soda fridge. Not even focusing on the cans. I never expected for someone to follow me there. Much less the Third of all people.

And yet, he did. 

Not 2 minutes after my outburst at the apartment, he was standing behind me at the store. He didn’t speak much.

But somehow, he managed to utter the exact words I both wanted and needed to hear.

He told me how it was not fair for Misato to replace me. That no one likes to be replaced or cast away. But most of all, he would only do the training with me. Not with Ayanami.

Twenty minutes later, we found ourselves on the roof of our apartment’s building with some snacks and sodas. I offered him a deal.

He would do his absolute best and push even further. And I would do my best to match his pace instead of forcing my own. That my pride as a pilot was on the line. During the whole speech he looked at me with a dreamy expression and a soft, pure smile. Almost as if he was looking in awe at the most interesting and beautiful thing in the world. I didn’t think much about it and kept the speech going. But I still found it impossibly sweet and appreciated it nonetheless. He then accepted my offer, and we shook on it. 

When our hands touched, some strange tingling went up and down my spine. Whatever. 

Not important.

We spent the rest of the evening joking and making small talk about this and that until it was time to go back and have dinner. My first enjoyable afternoon in the so far clusterfuck that swirled around me ever since moving from Germany.

That night, no nightmares visited me.

The fourth, fifth and sixth day were carbon copies of one another. We would do the routine. Slowly, step by step. And then we would increase the pace. Still step by step. In a single afternoon we already had far better results than in the first three days combined.

Through it all, to a degree obviously, I discovered a newfound respect towards Shinji. But I still couldn’t tell him that I started to respect, even admire his apparent inner strength and his tenacity even in the face of a tight schedule and the prospect of a fiery death at the hand of an angel. 

By the time the evening of the sixth day came, we knew the routine by heart to the point that we even managed to do it blindfolded a couple times. I even told him ‘good job’ when we packed up the awful training mats. He blushed at that. Dork.

Misato called and told us that she would not come home that night and instead would pick us up early in the morning.

When I teased the Idiot that we had the house all to ourselves, he blushed and obviously did not understand.

Umph. Clueless Boy. I used my playful voice and smile! I even winked at him dammit!

When it came to sleep arrangements, that whole week we slept in the living room on some of the worst futons ever devised. Me on the left, Misato in the middle and Stupid Shinji on the right.

But I was fed up. I wanted my privacy back. And most importantly, I wanted a peaceful night of sleep with no fucking tractor-like snoring with included stale beer aroma going on and on not half a meter from my face.

So I took my futon and dumped it in Misato’s room while the Idiot simply stared like I was doing something otherworldly. I was determined to have my privacy back that I didn’t even mind the awful smell of the slob’s bedroom.

When I closed the door, I got nervous. I slept by myself for my whole life. Always cold. Always uncomfortable. Always lonely. And I always, ALWAYS had vivid nightmares and night terrors that would keep me from having a peaceful sleep.

So I got an idea. I removed my bra, got on all fours and re-opened the door. Then, I got to work.

I told him that the door was the Mighty Wall Of Jericho. That none shall pass. That should he try, he would be a dead man.

That might have seemed a threat, but in reality it was a clear invitation. In simple words, I dared him to enter and do something. I was on all fours after all, and I’m certain he got a real good look at my cleavage while I delivered the obvious hint. It wasn’t an invitation to fuck, mind you. 

Just some company. Just to try and see if I could banish the loneliness away for one night.

Hopefully the Idiot would get it and finally redeem himself. 

After half an hour, I got bored of waiting and tried to sleep. Another hour after that, I was still awake. I faked a visit to the bathroom to try and get a glimpse of what the Third was doing. Sleeping with his music player on apparently. 

Tsk. Typical of him. Something out of the ordinary threatens his little bubble and he closes on himself like a tiny turtle listening to his little cassettes.

Now that I recount this, I ain’t exactly that much different, am I? But instead, I always used anger and a false sense of superiority to drive everything away. Has been successful so far. Got me in some trouble in the past but at least I owe no one and no one owes me. And most importantly, I don't get hurt. I never do. If I don’t get close to anyone it can’t happen.

Anyway, back to that night. 

I was angry and more than a bit disappointed. Is he really that stupid as to not get such a simple quote as the Wall of Jericho? Is he really that clueless? I couldn’t believe it.

So, after the fake trip, I simply dropped dramatically in his futon. ‘Maybe, just MAYBE he’ll finally get the hint and at the very least hold me’ was the thought roaming through my brain. Apparently, I instead managed to startle him into accidentally rewinding his cassette player. 

HA! Dork.

I didn’t open my eyes, but I could feel his gentle breathing nearby. It was strangely soothing. Soothing enough that in a couple of minutes I managed to fall completely asleep.

That night I dreamt of Mama.

But it wasn’t that.. particular occurrence at the hospital ten years ago, the one that tormented my slumber ever since it happened.

No, it was actually a pleasant yet simple memory. I was 3 once again and I was playing on the swing behind my old house. Mama was pushing me and I was laughing all the while. One of my very few happy memories with her.

The next morning I woke up more relaxed than I've been in years and still in the Idiot’s futon. His scent enveloped me, I felt warm, comfortable and.. he wasn’t in front of me anymore. A quick look around and I noticed that he was on the other side of the room.

I honestly didn’t know how to react. On one hand, he left me alone, didn’t hold me and simply turned and literally walked away.

On the other hand, he left me his futon and his bedsheets, he didn’t touch me improperly and in general actually behaved like a gentleman instead of a perverted boy like the rest of our peers.

All in all I had no idea how to approach him. After a light breakfast, Misato picked both of us up and drove us to the Geofront to prepare for the final show-off against the angel.

Change of clothes. Dash to the entry plug. Timer set up. Launch platform safeties off. Ready to rock n’ roll.

The training routine was exactly 62 seconds.

We finished both the routine and the angel in the exact same time.

Perfect sync. No mistakes. Maximum power.

Except we then fucked up the final landing like idiots.

I was so happy, so fired up and full of energy that I lashed out at Shinji through the holophone by the plug entrance. I didn’t mean to hurt him or insult him, but I needed to let off some steam. I even teased him about our sleeping arrangement and then teased him some more by lying and accusing him of trying to steal a kiss while I was asleep.

Apparently it WASN’T a lie and he DID try to steal a kiss but withdrew at the last moment. I felt a twinge of anger, but the residual happiness of the battle still managed to mostly override it.

Over the next month or so, I got used to my new daily life.

The household chores, the cooking and general brooding and apologizing were done by the Idiot, the irresponsible drinking and shameless teasing by Misato and the berating and shouting by me. Whenever something less than ideal happened, me and the Third would argue. And whenever he couldn’t find an appropriate response, he ducked away and apologized regardless of who was at fault. By far the biggest and most annoying trait of his. 

I started to notice that he did it whenever he didn’t want to escalate to actual verbal or physical violence. However, what he didn’t get is that I find his apologies far more irking than whatever argument we’re having at the moment. Whenever I told him such, he would apologize again.

Like a goddamn dog chasing its own tail.

Actually, I found myself secretly enjoying both the bickering and the quieter moments when we relaxed peacefully. Sometimes we played some video games together, sometimes we simply hung around lazily in the living room or the balcony. I still won't admit it out loud, but I treasure those moments.

By day we would go to school together, eat the lunches prepared by him and once the final bell rang we would head home or to NERV if tests and stuff were scheduled.

Misato always worked late and drank like no tomorrow once home.

By night, the nightmares started to be less frequent. But they still often showed up. More than once I still woke up with a silent scream and in a puddle of cold sweat.

To my amazement, my libido returned. So I restarted my private routine of self-pleasure. Either at night or during the shower. Due to the thin walls and my male roommate, I had to stay as quiet as possible.

And to my dismay and strange curiosity, I heard him on several occasions doing the same thing. Ugh. Pervert.

‘Look who’s talking.’ 

My treacherous subconscious always pipes up at the worst times.

What left me utterly baffled was one particular occurrence eight days after our second battle with Israfel.

While he was performing his occasional ‘private ritual’, I heard him whisper my name when he.. uhmm.. finished, so to speak..

You know what befuddled me about it? I wasn’t disgusted in the slightest. Heck, I even felt flattered in some twisted way. I mean.. it is a sort of compliment after all.. right?

What really disgusted me was something else. 

During that month or so after the sync battle, I started fantasizing about him. Thinking about Kaji would not work anymore. Forcing myself to do so only resulted in frustration.

I don’t know what prompted me to start thinking about the Dork in that certain way.. Be it prolonged proximity, the week of sync training or the times he whispered my name while he was beating his meat. I don’t have the slightest idea. But it started happening all the same.

I simply went along with it. Denying myself pleasure would be pointless.

In early May the school organized a scuba diving trip to Okinawa. One and a half weeks in a beautiful resort. Swimming, baking in the sun and underwater diving were the schedule.

For the occasion, I had Kaji take me swimsuit shopping. I still had some lingering longing for him, even if he was constantly distracted by the phone the whole time. I chose a cute red and white striped bikini. Rather revealing piece. The front zipper on the bra only added to the allure.

That same day all three of us pilots were forbidden to participate in the trip. We were to standby in Tokyo-3 in case of an emergency. Boooring. And insanely disappointing.

After our classmates took off for the trip, I grew even more bored. At least, as a consolation prize, Misato authorized us pilots to use the swimming pool at NERV. Meh. Not much but it’s still something.

And of course the Idiot would study instead of swimming and hanging around with the most beautiful girl in his dull life. Yet, every time I dove in the water I felt his eyes on me. 

Make up your mind, Stupid!

But whatever. At least he looked at me instead of the boring doll that accompanied us.

By the second day I grew bored again. So I got myself some loaned scuba diving gear, to at least emulate what we could have been doing if we went with the rest of the class.

Shinji never dipped a single toe in the water despite wearing swimming trunks and being in there with me all the time.

When I noticed his struggles in studying, I asked what he was finding difficult to learn. Physics apparently. Thermal Expansion to be exact.

I immediately got a deviously cheeky idea. It would both deliver the subtle hint that I wasn't exactly contrary to me and him getting a bit closer and at the same time I would get my good fun at teasing him.

It was simple. I explained the concept of Thermal Expansion in the simplest way possible and teasingly squeezed my breast to illustrate it. ‘If I touch them and warm them up, would they expand?’ were the exact words I used at the time.

And all of it promptly flew over his thick head when he blushed and turned away. 

Dumb, clueless Idiot!

The anger of the moment evaporated when he looked at me again after I showed him my awesome backwards dive with the scuba gear.

Later on the same day, we received word of a new angel. The 8th. Apparently, it wasn’t even ready to attack as it was an embryo or something. 

The plan was simple. 

Contain and extract the embryo for further studies. 

Clean and efficient.

The issue was that this thing was lounging around at a depth of nearly 1 kilometer in the scalding hot magma of Mt. Asama. A good ol’ volcano. 

And the only thing even remotely capable of this task was an Eva unit. Terrific.

They decided to use my Unit-02 due to its compatibility with D-Type equipment. Thermal Resistance retrofit in plain words. To say that such setup was ugly, is a huge understatement.

This thermal resistant equipment included some sort of Eva sized diving suit resembling the one used in the early 20th century, but with pincers instead of hands. And to my ‘delight’ even my plugsuit was modified. It was inflated with some kind of heat resistant foam that made me look like a fucking dumbass with obesity problems. I initially refused to be seen and operate with this atrocious thing. And Ayanami promptly volunteered in my place.

Needless to say, I was pissed. I would not get my glory and my Eva stolen by her. So I reluctantly and angrily accepted my role.

Pretty much everyone but the Doll and Shinji laughed at me. 

She didn’t because she’s a doll with no emotions.

I don’t know why the Idiot didn’t laugh. So far I thought that he disliked me at best and hated me at worst. Especially after how I've been treating him since we met. I was sure that if such an occasion to make fun of me would present itself, he would jump at it with both feet and join the mocking crowd.  

Instead, he was the only one to wish me good luck and promised to watch my back should something happen.

As flattered as I was, I still did not want a single soul seeing me in this ridiculous state.

Once the Eva, its suit and the containment chamber for the angel were hoisted and secured to the crane, I got in the plug. A few safety checks later and the mission was a go.

I was trembling. 

Either in excitement or nervousness. I couldn’t tell.

This was my first solo mission after all.

When I touched the lava, I made some silly joke about diving and showed my best diving pose to Shinji. I heard his soft laugh in response. Hehehe. Dork. But hey, it relaxed me a little at least.

At the 300 meters mark I heard some groaning sounds coming from the crane lowering me. Nothing scary. Just the crane and cables stretching within their parameters.

900 meters mark, the designated depth and rated limit of the suit. No angel embryo in sight. Misato ordered to go further down.

1100 meters. My progressive knife crumbled and fell out of my Unit.

1300 meters. Still no sign of the angel. 

1500 meters. Something faint shows up on the sensors.

1780 meters and nearly 10 minutes from launch. Contact. An egg shaped cocoon with what resembled a human-like embryo inside. Creepy stuff.

I unlocked the cage, retrieved the weird thing and locked it inside. Step one complete. Now to return to the surface, get a cold shower and then some food to celebrate my success.

No more than a minute into my ascent all hell broke loose. The embryo hatched, destroying the electro-magnetic cage in the process, and revealed a fish-like form similar to the 6th angel, but with two long protrusions resembling arms in the front.

As soon as it attacked, I realized that I was defenseless. So I asked for support.

A few moments later, I heard sweet words of comfort.

Shinji had just thrown me his progressive knife.

2 minutes till arrival. 

Alright then. Let’s dance you bitch.

I tried to dodge whenever the angel made a dash, with relative success. Few scratches and dents on the suit. Nothing bad.

1 minute till the arrival of Shinji’s blade.

I dodged once more, but my luck apparently ran out. The angel succeeded in damaging my leg and they severed it to avoid destroying the rest of the suit. It hurt. A coolant line was also damaged in the process. It started to get hotter by the second. 

But I was still in the fight. 

Once I skillfully caught the knife with the awful pincer-hands of the suit, I noticed I still had a big problem.

The angel was apparently impervious to the blade. 

Then, something happened. Something that I never expected in such a situation.

The Idiot had a brilliant idea. He quoted my past lesson regarding Thermal Expansion. My eyes widened and a ferocious grin formed on my face. 

I grabbed and held the angel as best as I could, cut the damaged cooling lines and jammed them inside the bastard’s mouth. I requested a coolant dump in the tubes I was holding. Once it filled up and its defenses were down, it finally exploded. It dissolved shortly after.

Finally, my first proper solo kill. 

A few seconds later, the mission success was confirmed and they started to roll me back up.

I sighed in relief.

Once the 1500 meters mark was passed, sounds of strained metal reached my ears. The cooling lines stopped pumping. The heat and pressure started to build up faster.

Around 1100 meters, it felt like I was in a particularly hot sauna. 

At 800 meters, the crane stopped moving with a violent shudder. Damaged motors apparently. 

Fuck. Scheiße. 

Verdammtes nutzloses Stück Scheiße.

But just as I resigned myself to being slow cooked, I got jostled again.

When I turned my head upwards, I saw a horned and hunched form desperately trying to pull my ass out of the fire by grasping and pulling at cables and tubing.

‘And here I thought that you hated me, dummy’ was the only thing currently registering inside my head. My fondness of him unexpectedly skyrocketed to previously unheard-of levels.

Roughly 100 to 200 meters from the safe zone. Another jolt. And the strong hands stopped moving.

The cables and the tubes were snapping and breaking away.

I knew what was going to happen. I did not like it one bit.

But if that was to be my fate, so be it.

I turned my face to the comm window, at the moment showing a terrified and shocked Shinji. I offered a sad smile. If I had to die, I might as well look into the face of someone I would have liked to know better.

I closed my eyes when the last of the cables snapped and I felt myself falling..

For a moment I felt weightless. Free of everything. Unburdened.

Only to immediately feel a much stronger and violent pull on my left arm.

I instantly opened my eyes and looked upwards once more.

There it was. Quite possibly the most beautiful sight in my short life.

Dangling from the remains of the crane. Holding my left forearm with an unyielding and crushing grip.

Unit-01.

The Idiot.

At that moment, I didn’t give a shit that the Eva with the most hideous paint was in front of me. I didn’t give a shit that I nearly plunged to my demise. 

He was there. 

He grabbed me in time. 

He dove after me with no protection.

He.. he saved me.

The painful grip on my forearm was both a reassurance and a statement.

He had my back, and he would not let go of me. Ever.

I looked at the comm screen and finally focused on his face. Strained. Pained. But one thing was overwhelmingly obvious. He was showing resolve, courage.

The spine I always teased that he didn’t have, finally came into light.

“Idiot. You show-off” was what I whispered almost inaudibly to his face. I was still smiling.

He then heaved me over his head and basically launched my Unit over the edge of the volcano. Finally safe.

He emerged from the lava shortly after.

I deflated the foam in my plugsuit, expelled my entry plug from the Eva and opened the hatch once it was on the ground. Fresh mountain air and a blue sky welcomed me back.

I just survived near-impossible odds. 

All because of a cute Japanese Idiot that would not accept my certain demise.

When his plug was finally extracted and laid to the ground, I actually wanted to be near him. 

Y’know, just to see if he was ok and all that. 

No second motives. 

Nossir.

A blood-curling, agonizing scream pierced the air once the hatch was opened. Nothing human should sound like that. And yet..

It was him. When they finally heaved him on the ground he started convulsing and clawing at his skin. Screaming that it was melting. That HE was melting. He was promptly sedated before he could hurt himself and hurried to the Geofront via air transport.

I simply stood there. Wide eyed and frozen. It only registered just then. 

The guy that saved my life minutes before, nearly died himself. He willingly almost gave his life in order to preserve mine. And now he was in unimaginable and agonizing pain for his stunt.

During my training I often had phantom pains from synchronizing with the Eva. Contusions, cracked or broken bones and even a few concussions. But nothing of this magnitude. Nothing this debilitating.

And now these phantom pains were hitting Shinji. Hard. 

To the point that he was delirious and needed to be fully sedated just to be handled.

After I got debriefed at the encampment, both me and Misato hopped on a VTOL and flew at speed towards Tokyo-3 and the Geofront. Once there, we were informed of Shinji’s situation and current health. He was unconscious but stable and currently in a special LCL based recovery unit. He apparently had some measure of nerve damage due to his high sync rate while he was immersed in boiling hot magma.

He spent a whole night in the ‘tube’ as Dr. Akagi called it.

After he was released, he finally came home.. only to collapse on the couch from exhaustion. 

The whole time he was recovering, I admit it. I was scared.

Yup. Scared.

The Great Soryu Asuka Langley was afraid for the first time since her first sync test with an Eva at the ripe young age of 6.

But it’s not like I was scared about him because I cared or something. No no no. Unthinkable. Unimaginable.

Inconcievable!

Get your head out of your ass. Soryu Asuka Langley does not care about silly Idiots. Much less cute ones like him.

I was scared because the person I owed my own life to nearly died and I couldn’t pay him back. There. That’s the truth. Full stop.

‘Really?’

‘Shut up’

‘Seriously?’

‘I said shut up goddammit!’

Ugh. My subconscious definitely needs to stop popping up like this.

On the same evening at dinner, Misato said that we would be going to a hot springs resort for the rest of the week. Some sort of compensation for the missed school trip or something. I obviously didn’t care for the motivation. I only cared about one thing.

I would finally get away from the stuffy, alcohol smelling city apartment and spend a few days in a relaxing place by the hills.

Obviously she forgot that a few days before both me and the Third nearly died in a volcano. From boiling hot magma to scalding hot water. Yay, I guess..

The next morning we left for the hot springs in Misato’s blue french shitbox. An old, hastily patched up Alpine from the previous century that somehow still worked even if propelled by crushed hopes, paid for with late mortgages and reeked of stale booze. 

I mean, if you really insist on having a sports car as a commuter, at least get one that doesn’t sound like a pig with an aneurysm every time you change gears. Like say, a good ol’ German coupé or even an old Italian rustbucket. Instead, she insists on keeping a car where the AC only works on the hottest setting and has more adhesive tape than body panels.

Stupid dumb Misato.

Once we arrived at the onsen, we immediately unpacked in our respective rooms (I had the dubious honor of sharing one with the drunk) and then we set off for the springs. Not one minute after I finished changing once again in my cute striped bikini, the Dork showed up with the bird in tow.

Oh yeah, I forgot. Misato has a pet. You might think that she has a cat since she’s almost 30 and single, or a dog since she’s an authority figure.

She instead has a penguin. A genetically modified penguin.

His name is Pen-Pen. When I first moved in, he scared the bejesus out of me. I mean.. I did find him floating in the tub, with a can of beer in his flipper and a raised ‘eyebrow’ looking at me with contempt. After that occurrence, I actually started to like him. He doesn't bother me uselessly unless he’s hungry, he rarely invades my privacy and when in the right mood he’s actually quite cuddly.

Still, he surprises me with his intellect. In the mornings he reads the newspaper, often wobbles around with a small towel on his shoulders and is impossibly expressive and emotional for being a bird. Scary good at checkers and chess I might add. 

The only bothersome thing is that he also has a taste for beer. But unlike Misato, he doesn’t reek of alcohol and can limit himself whenever he drinks. According to her, he can also outdrink pretty much anyone that challenges him. I don’t think I want more details on that.

Anyway, back to it..

Accompanied by the bird we then all hopped in the hot springwater. 

Eh. Relaxing. And I guess it did unwind some stress.

Misato speaking up and nearly ordering us to strip naked to better enjoy the water, built it right up all over again.

So there we were. Hanging and dipping in the hot water. Naked as the day we were born. Me and Misato on one side and the Third with the bird on the other. Separated by a tall wooden wall mind you. 

Boooring.

After a bit of conversation about the scar on her chest and her past, Misato brought up the last mission.

How the equipment was rated for only half the depth I went to.

How if the angel did break free of my hold and I couldn't defeat it in time, they would have called an airstrike to basically bury and destroy everything in the area.

How she actually prohibited Shinji from doing anything. 

How he basically saved my sorry ass against all orders.

She didn’t apologize for any of it. 

She didn’t regret sending me to almost twice the rated depth for the suit and she didn’t regret the last ditch idea of leveling the mountain.

What she did regret however, was not forcefully stopping Shinji from plunging into the volcano to save me.

My left forearm suddenly started throbbing and itching…

Verdammte Schlampe

I can understand not apologizing for tactically sound yet still crazy ideas. I can understand the last ditch attempt should everything else fail.

The throbbing got stronger, almost as if someone was holding it in a crushing grip…

What I DON’T fucking understand, is regretting completing the mission with a smashing success and no loss of personnel or equipment. She basically implied that she was regretful at me being alive. That she didn’t care whether I lost my life or not while defending her undeserving drunken ass.

My left forearm immediately reached the same level of pain that I felt in the volcano, when he grasped it and pulled me to safety…

Immediately after such a lovely display of ‘affection’, I bolted and made a beeline for the bedroom.

After a quick shower and a change of clothes, I collapsed face down on the bed out of mental exhaustion. The pain in my arm slowly abated.

I was tired. Tired of being cast away. Tired of feeling worthless. Tired of forcing on myself an overconfident and prideful façade.

Kaji rejected me. 

Misato and NERV as a whole, apparently regarded me as a blunt tool to direct at angels and then discard as soon as I outlived my usefulness. 

Hikari might have been a friend but she still wasn’t that close to me.

The perverted boys at school only saw me as a conquest. A prize to be won, used and paraded around for all to see.

No one cared about me. No one.

Useless.

Worthless.

Empty.

Utterly and undeniably alone.

…

Sleep claimed me while I kept brooding.

…

…

‘You’re forgetting someone’

‘If you're gonna say “yourself”, don’t bother. You and me both know I never cared about myself that much’

‘You stupid idiot girl. What about Shinji then, uh?’

‘What about him?’

‘Ha! And you call HIM an idiot. Did you bonk your head?! He saved your life a few days ago you dummy! He wouldn’t let you go when you were on the brink of death and he’d certainly try and protect you if you got hurt or something’

‘He did it just so he could hold something over my head’

‘Ugh. You really are THAT stupid.’

‘Shut up’

‘Have you even thanked him after his stunt?!’

‘No’

‘Go to him’

‘Are you nuts?! Oh yes I forgot. You’re my subconscious. Of course you’re crazy’

‘Go. To. Him.’

‘I’m officially losing my mind. By this time next month I think I’ll be talking to a bench’

‘Go to him you daft idiot. Go to him, thank him for saving your life and give him a hug. Maybe even a little kiss since he’s cute’

‘A hug and a kiss feel way too little compared to what he did’

‘You could also.. y’know..’

‘WHAT?!’

‘Oh c’mon. You said it yourself that he’s cute. And don’t try to deny that you didn’t get all hot and bothered whenever you saw him shirtless.’

‘Gimme a break’

‘Isn’t it him that you think about when you’re alone in the shower having your Soryu’s Super Special Self-Service Session?’

‘Stop. Now.’

‘...you and the Idiot, alone, in a bed.. he crawls over you, showers you with kisses and then lowers his head on yo-’

‘STOP THIS. NOW. Or i’ll have you excised from my brain’

‘What? You know that I use what I have in here, right? I have shelves upon shelves of repressed thoughts to work with’

‘Why don’t you leave me alone and piss off?’

‘Let me ask you a question then. What would you have done if your roles had been reversed? Would you have tried to save his ass from certain death?’

‘I… I don’t know, really..’

‘You would have, you freaking idiot. I can see it here in the sections labeled “Fears and Nightmares” and “Alternative scenarios”. It’s also fresh enough to be really vivid if you want to watch it’

‘Then why don’t you go and talk to him yourself if you’re so smart, uh?!’

‘I’m your subconscious, genius. I’m just here to show you the stuff you repressed over time or didn’t want to share with anyone’

‘So, in the end, what you’re saying is that I should just bite the bullet, go to the Idiot and settle my debt with him with sex?! You really are my subconscious if you're suggesting something as nuts as this’

‘Call it settling a debt. Call it being grateful. Call it claiming him for yourself in a single swoop. Call it however you like. Just.. make a decision soon. Otherwise the window will close on you and he’ll probably think that you hated him all along and that you’d rather die than be rescued by him’

‘Ugh.. I’ll keep sleeping on it. Maybe I’ll come to a decision tomorrow’

‘Fair’s fair. It is a big decision after all.. well then, out of the goodness of my heart, I won’t conjure up any bad dreams for you tonight. Just remember: The window will close soon!’

‘Whatever. Piss off now’

…

The next morning I woke up with a newfound resolve. Somehow, I would pay him back for what he did.

Over the day I kept mulling over and over various ideas on how to properly thank the Third child and settle my debt towards him.

A few thankful words? My name is not Ayanami so no.

Words and a handshake? Too formal, this is not a bank transaction.

Words and a hug? C’mon, I’m not 5 anymore.

Words, hug and a kiss on the cheek? I’m not his cousin or his sister. Puh-lease.

Words, hug and a big ol’ wet kiss? Eh. Better, but still feels minimal compared to what he did. Plus, a kiss hints at something more that I'm not ready to explore just yet.

*Sigh

There’s really no way out of this, uh?

‘I’m afraid not, Soryu’

I sighed again and shuddered a little.

‘C’mon! It’ll be fun!’

‘I’m not worried whether it’ll be fun or not. I’m worried about his reaction goddammit!’

‘Aaah so you do finally admit that you care at least a little. And don’t worry about that. You heard him those nights. He whispered YOUR name. Not Ayanami’s. Not Misato’s. And definitely not the name of a random hussy from school. He always said yours in the end’

…

…

…

‘Alright.. fine.. I.. I’ll do it..’

‘Oh BOY! She finally makes a decision! Now let’s plan’

‘Hold up! I can’t just wing this! It took me two whole years before mustering the courage to try something with Kaji!’

‘You don’t have two years to think about this you idiot! With the job you both have, either one of you could die at any given moment. You have hours, days at best’

‘Ugh. I’m already regretting this’

‘No, you don’t. Now plan! Time. Method. Location. Chop chop!’

‘FINE! Let me think dammit!’

..

Ok.. Regarding the timing, probably the first night when the slob isn’t around.

..

As for how, whatever goes. He’s an idiot, he’ll go along with anything I propose.

‘And the location?’

‘This resort could do.. but even if we sneak around, Misato will find out in the morning.. so unless she’s in a beer coma, big nope on the onsen. Probably in his or my room once we get back’

‘Great! Now that it’s settled, relax and lounge around. Maybe give him a little show of your hips and legs when he’s looking. Just to get him ready’

‘You’re impossible’

‘Look who’s talking’

‘Shut up’

I sighed yet again and went to the shower. The slight tingling in my nether regions did not help in the slightest. At least I don’t have to think about body hair problems before I try anything. 

After the shower, I put my bikini on again and went for the sunbathing chairs in the nearby courtyard. To my surprise, I could see a brown mop of hair in the distance, eyes closed and listening to some music.

He was clad in a pair of swimming trunks. And nothing else.

The annoying tingling showed up again. I tried my best to ignore him, my own thoughts and my own bothersome physical response.

At lunch there was an entire tray of different plates, each filled with food that I couldn't name even if my life depended on it. So I went simple. Some rice, fried shrimps and a bit of salmon filet.

Rather good and somewhat filling.

The afternoon I spent the entire time lounging around. A couple of times I found myself nodding off simply to try and dampen my boredom. Since in my haste to get out of the city I forgot to take my portable console or any kind of entertainment, things got dull in a few hours after our arrival. And reading over and over the resort’s brochures is for nutbags and old senile people.

When the evening and dinnertime came around, I still kept giving the cold shoulder to the slob. If she didn’t care about me, why should I care about her? In the end, she was just like the other uncaring and unaffectionate guardians I’ve had before. Someone that I was forced to live with. No affection. No warmth of any kind. Nothing. Just a piece of paper that retained its value until I turned 18. Nothing more.

Afterwards, I went to bed to try and fall asleep. Once more, I found myself staring at the dull ceiling while waiting to enter a hopefully nightmare-free slumber.

Am I really going to do this? Yes. I am. 

Does the Idiot find me attractive at least? Yes. He does.

Around midnight, I got out of bed for a small bathroom break.

And that brings me to now.. me, staring at my own reflection…

... trying to calm my aching nerves.

I splash some water on my face, dry it up and slap myself on both cheeks to try and steady my erratic heartbeat and refocus.

Once out of the bathroom, I walk back to the room. The light’s on. What the..

Inside I find a still half asleep but already dressed Misato talking on the phone and packing her stuff at the same time. Something about ‘being there right away’.

“Who’s calling at this hour?” I ask when she hangs up.

“It’s Dr. Akagi. Unit-02 apparently suffered some damage to its left shoulder joint thanks to Shinji’s little stunt at Mt. Asama and they have to replace the whole thing. To make matters worse, the entirety of Unit-01’s armor has to be thoroughly re-checked for thermal damage AND there’s also a mountain of paperwork to sign and approve for both the operation and the repairs. I have to supervise it all and sign those damn papers. UGH! Why can’t I ever catch a break?!”

“Don’t tell me that we have to leave this damn resort in the middle of the night..”

“Nah. You and Shinji can stay. I’m the only one that has been recalled” *sigh* “I’ll leave Pen-Pen here with you both so you can all enjoy one last day of peace and quiet. I’ll come back tomorrow at noon to pick all of you up and bring you back to the city. Hopefully by this time tomorrow night I’ll be able to catch a few hours of sleep.”

While she finishes packing, I go and lay down lazily on my bed. I try to relax at least a little while.

Of course, my subconscious has different plans.

‘Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Woooo! Congratulations Soryu! Tonight’s the night!’

‘Oh c’mon! Go and take a cold shower you horndog’

‘Alright, alright. Now, the moment you hear her pull out of the driveway, grab that little shiny package you hid in your bathroom supplies, run to his room, jump on top of him and turn his pelvis to dust. Shouldn't take long considering it’s his first time too and that he’s a bit on the thin side’

‘Stop. That.’

‘Anxious aren’t we?’

‘Yes, very much so. We’re talking about the Idiot after all’

‘Puh-lease! At least physically, he certainly likes you and you like him back. Get your head out of the gutter!’

“Ok, I’m leaving. See you tomorrow Asuka. And please, don’t maim Shinji while I’m away.”

‘No maiming will be happening, don’t worry. But the risk of a shattered pelvis is dangerously high’

“Eh. Bye. See ya” I instead answer.

A thoughtful sigh escapes her lips. She then shakes her head lightly and waves goodbye. 5 minutes later I hear her pulling out of the driveway. 

With a slow, tentative movement I sit up on the edge of the bed and put my head in my hands.

‘I’m really going to do this, aren’t I?’

‘Not exactly. If all goes well, you’ll be doing HIM! Mwahahahaha!’

The fact that I can almost hear my own brain laughing at its own wordplay, is not a good sign.

With a sigh and a heave, I leave my bed and approach my duffle bag. Between clothes, undergarments and the swimsuit, I reach the beautycase with my bathroom essentials inside. Once opened, I start my search.

There it is. The small package. Small, square and painted in shiny silver. I admit.. I bought an entire box of these little buggers back in Germany in the hopes of finally getting my way with Kaji. I always kept one in my bathroom supplies should the occasion arise and my prospective lover would be in the mood. 

Since it obviously never happened, I kept them hidden under my bed once in Tokyo-3. The one in my beautycase was simply ignored. Until today. 

I grasp it.

I close the rest up and put everything back in the duffle bag. I then slowly turn around the package in my hand. ‘Single size fits all’ was what I once heard from a particularly promiscuous girl in college.

‘What? You need to be reminded what it’s for?’

‘I know what it’s used for dammit!’

‘Then go! Stop wasting time and get that Idiot!’

Another sigh. I stand up and put the package in my pocket. Once at the door, I then turn off the light and head to his room. Just a few meters. And yet my legs feel like jelly and lead at the same time.

The moment I reach his door, my hands are unsteady and my heart feels ready to jump out of my chest.

Why the hell am I this nervous?! It wasn’t this bad on the carrier!

‘It’s because you already knew it wouldn’t work, stupid. You kept deluding yourself the whole time since you were starved for affection! And now that there’s someone that you have a chance with, you’re afraid of what it would mean!’

‘Why the hell am I part of this confusing and contradictory brain of yours?!’

Ok… ok…

Calm down, Asuka.

Calm down.

I take a deep breath…

... and another…

... and a third one just to be sure.

I reach up to smooth out my hair a little. Just because I’m nervous, it shouldn’t also show in my hair.

After a few motions I realize something. 

I forgot to put back my hair clips.

‘Don’t bother. They’re pointless for what you’re about to do’

Yeah yeah…

I knock and softly call his name.

…

No answer.

I try once more.

…

No answer again.

‘Just open it and be done with it!’

‘Are you going to bust my balls the whole time I’m in there or are you finally going to shut up?!’

‘First of all, a small reminder that you’re a girl. You have ovaries, not balls you idiot. And second, yes! If you insist on being a dumbass, I will speak up!’

I still hesitate by the door.

‘Oh for fuck’s sake!’

With an impulsive and sudden move, I yank the door open, rapidly walk inside and shut it close. Much more loudly than I intended to.

Maybe he’s finally awake and I managed to already break the ice.

No such luck. Still slumbering.

I look around the room. Almost the same as the one I have. Two beds, a dresser, a closet and a window. With what little moonlight is currently peeking in, I finally come across the lump in the bed.

He’s on top of the sheets, face up and with his right arm across his forehead. The left one is dangling off the bed, still holding onto that little music box of his. The headphones are not even plugged into his ears.

It’s the very same arm and hand that saved my life.

If there’s one thing I can be thankful for, is that at least he’s a quiet sleeper.

‘Get on with it!’

I slowly stride to the currently occupied bed. His mouth is slightly open. He has a rather neutral expression on his face.

I move on top of the bed and straddle his legs. I then sit back on his thighs and look at him once more. 

Regardless of how alien I find the idea of being even remotely attracted to someone as shy, dull and withdrawn like he is, I am.

Heh, now that I think about it, in some ways I’m actually attracted to him a lot. 

With Kaji it was mostly physical. But with Shinji… 

I don’t know... it feels different with him.

I still owe him a debt. My own life in fact. And he’s not exactly a chore to look at. He cleans after me and cooks me surprisingly tasty meals no matter how much I dislike a lot of the local cuisine. 

So far, he’s been the only person that has shown even the slightest bit of real care and backed it up with actions.

Kaji, Misato and the other guardians often pampered me back in Germany with shopping, video games, restaurants, amusement parks…

But in the end they were empty gestures. Meant to keep me compliant and somewhat happy. Just so I could be better at piloting and following orders.

In college, they saw me as more of a mascot rather than an equal. A very smart but still little girl. Even when I outmatched some of them.

Shinji however, has shown that at least he sees something different than Asuka the Second Child. A friend? An equal? A potential lov-

‘Stop wasting precious time with useless ramblings and WAKE. HIM. UP!’

*Sigh

I lean forward again and brace myself. I gently cup my left hand on his mouth. His breath tickles.

I then align my right one to his forehead and steady myself once more. 

One last deep breath.

I flick him between his eyes. Hard. 

In a fraction of a second, I’m staring at two unfocused and piercing cobalt orbs. That foggy feeling that kept me staring for too long on the carrier rears its smug stupid head. A thudding sound near the bed makes me aware that he has dropped his music box in the shock.

He gasps loudly upon focusing on my own eyes.

He tries to utter my name, probably still unaware of the hand on his mouth. His breath still tickles. 

“Don’t speak, dummkopf! Shut up and listen.”

He tries to speak again. Idiot.

I flick him again for good measure

“I just said: shut up and listen!”

I sigh. “Du bist manchmal so ein Idiot.”

He tilts his head slightly. I shake mine.

“Nothing. Now, I’ll speak and you’ll listen. You will not utter a single sound. Nod if you got it.”

A small nod. Good.

“Ok. Can you guess why I’m here?”

A shake. Understandable.

“I’m here because I want to do something. I need to do something.”

An inquisitive head tilt.

“I owe a debt to you, idiot. I’m here to pay it back.”

His eyes widen. A much more firm shake. Dork.

“I don’t give a fuck about what you think of this Shinji. I owe you my life regardless.”

I slide my free hand in my pocket and retrieve the small silvery square. I bring it between us.

“Do you know what this is?”

A shy nod and a small blush. Nice.

“Do you know what it's for?”

A smaller nod. And his eyes are averted. The blush deepens. Double nice.

“Now put two and two together. I’m here and I have this in my hand. I’m sure even someone as dense as you can get it.”

He’s now blushing to the point of resembling a tomato. Dork.

“Exactly. Now, I’ll remove my hand. Don’t you dare ask stupid questions or I will shut you up again. Am I clear?”

A shaky nod. I slowly remove my hand and sit back again. He sits up on his elbows and stares at me. For the first time, I notice just how easily I feel unsteady when I look into his eyes. 

“A-are you sure Asuka?” are his first shaky words of the night.

“Of course!” I try to sound confident here. Yeah, it was a stupid question, but I will let it slide. He doesn’t need to know that I’m probably just as nervous and anxious as he is.

“O-ok.. but why?”

“What?”

Silence is the answer.

“If you don’t want to do this, I won’t force you.” 

Silence again.

Another failure. Another regret. He doesn’t want me. Doesn’t desire me. Doesn’t hold me. He won’t even look at me.

Ugly.

Undesirable.

Worthless.

Even by carefully hiding in my deepest, darkest mental pit the fact that I grew to like him in some fashion and masking it all up with the pretext of settling a debt, I still can’t do anything right.

I was right. Nobody wants me. I truly am alone.

Slowly and dejectedly, I disentangle myself and get off the bed. Right now, I want to run until my legs give out. I want to cry, scream. I want to punch a wall to the point of destroying my hands.

But the promise I made myself at Mama’s funeral holds me back. I don’t cry. I won’t cry.

I didn’t do it when my father ignored and abandoned me.

I didn’t do it when they nearly broke me during pilot training. 

I didn’t do it whenever I was left out at college.

I didn’t do it when Kaji turned me down.

I didn’t do it when I plunged to my almost demise in the volcano.

And I certainly won't cry because the only person that didn’t desert me at the first chance, the only person I feel I can trust, rejects me at my most vulnerable.

But the moment I’m standing, his hand instantly latches onto my left wrist with a surprisingly firm grip. I’m once again reminded by what he did a few days ago. 

He would not let go.

“Wait, please.”

To my utter disbelief and surprise, the statement was not stammered or shaky in any way. When I look into his deep cobalt pools, I see something that resembles confidence.

The tiniest bit of hope flashes through my dark thoughts.

Silence once more.

He takes a deep breath. Then another.

He then gulps audibly and looks at me. His next words leave me completely blindsided.

“Why me? I-I mean, why do this with me?”

I turn my gaze down and look at the hand holding me back. 

I don’t want him to let go. Ever.

But unfortunately, he misunderstands. With a stuttered apology and a rather noticeable blush, he lets go.

But he’s still looking at me.

Right now, I don’t mind the apology. Anything is better than silence.

‘Tell him the truth’ my subconscious pipes up. But it’s not as forceful as before. Almost an encouragement.

I guess I can trust him with the truth. Even if it’s awkward and humiliating for someone like me.

With a luminescent blush of my own I finally speak my mind. For the first time since Mt. Asama, it’s sharp and focused.

“Would you be willing to stay silent and listen while I explain? Please?” It’s the first time I ever said ‘Please’ to him. It should at least show him that I’m serious about this. He nods in response. I steel myself and sit on the edge of the bed. A few moments later, he does the same beside me.

“Where to start?” I let out an amused chuckle.

A slow, deep breath. My heartbeat picks up.

“Ok. First things first. Don’t be mistaken. What I want to do with you tonight, it’s exactly as I told you before. A debt to settle.

You saved my life and it’s only fair that I should do something to pay it back, no matter what you may think. And I don’t do this kind of stuff to settle things like these. I never did. I’m not Misato after all.”

We both chuckle awkwardly at the same moment in response. The fears are slowly retreating as an unexpected but not unwelcome warmth takes form in my chest. But my heart keeps hammering all the same.

“The truth of the matter Shinji, is that I trust you.”

“Ha! That’s lame” I hug myself to try and hide my embarrassment. It doesn’t work.

“It’s still true however. I trust you in battle. Sometimes more than I trust myself. But you’re also the only person I can depend on outside of an Eva. You cook for me and do my laundry. You never insulted me once and you stood by me when things were simply too much and I ran. You’ve been the only dependable thing that I could rely on ever since I came to Japan.”

My heartbeat sounds like a machine gun in my ears.

"No one ever looked after me the way you’ve done in these past months. Eh, no one ever relinquished their own bedroom to me simply to avoid a heated argument.”

“And how do I thank you? I insult you, demean you and criticize pretty much anything you do for me.”

“I’m honestly impressed. In two months you had plenty of occasions to make fun of me or leave me alone and a few days ago, you had the chance at leaving me to die. Yet you never did any of it. I wonder why..”

He tries to stutter an answer.

“Please, don’t. It was rhetorical. I know why. I think I’ve known for a while”

“You like me, don’t you?”

I glance sideways. Sputtering and nonsensical mumbles escape his lips. He’s blushing as well. But after a few seconds of silence, he ultimately offers a tiny nod. Hehe, cute dummy.

“I know that you do. I can hear you, y’know? When… uhmm… When you… you know... have your... 'sessions’ at night. And I can hear you saying my name...”

I hear a strangled gasp. When I turn to look at him, he has averted his head to the opposite side. His blush is luminescent. I’m sorry Shinji, I know this is humiliating for you. But it has to be said, otherwise this stuff won’t make sense.

I need to keep talking before I lose my nerve.

“I do the same, you know. And uhmm...”

I now blush as well. ‘Just fucking say it you idiot!’

My next words are whispered. Barely audible. But with how close we are sitting, he’s obviously able to hear them.

“When I do it... I-I think about you too...”

An almost inaudible gasp from him. It feels like I have a jackhammer in my chest.

“D-don’t let it get to your head Dummy! What I’m trying to s-say is that uhmm…”

I trail off again. My nerves are basically fried at this point. I’m blushing like hell and probably trembling too.

“That uhmm… I-like-you-too...”

There. Now I officially have a damn supernova on my face from all the heat I’m feeling.

I muster all my courage left one last time, before I spontaneously combust from the awkwardness of the moment.

“S-so there it is. It’s both a debt to-to settle and because I-I like you a little bit. So, y-you up for it?”

Silence. After a couple seconds I turn to him.

He’s somehow blushing, wide eyed and gaping his mouth like a damn fish. All at the same time.

Hehe. Idiot.

‘My Idiot’ my subconscious ‘helpfully’ provides.

‘Shut it. It’s not like we’ll become a couple after this.’

‘Eh. Whatever happens, happens. But you do like the thought of him being yours only, don’t you?’

‘No’

‘Liar’

After a few minutes of silence where he regains some composure, he finally speaks up. His voice seems unnaturally soft.

“S-so, you l-like me?” I nod. Just a little, Shinji. Just enough to make me want this.

“A-and you really want to do this with m-me?” I nod again. 

A sad look crosses his face.

“I... I don’t deserve this Asuka...”

A tinge of annoyance flashes in my mind. Is he really that dense?! How the hell can he not believe me?!

I lightly shake my head to halt the anger in its tracks. No need for it now.

When I speak, I try to be as convincing and as firm as possible, while still hoping my honesty can show in between. My heartrate is still through the roof.

“You do Shinji, you do. I just told you... You’re the only one I trust, whether we are in battle or not. Eh, if anything, I’m the one that doesn’t deserve what you did. I didn’t deserve to be saved after how I treated you all along.”

The most unexpected thing happens. The one thing I could not even begin to imagine.

He immediately brings a hand on top of mine. I can feel his warmth. A feeling not unlike electricity runs from our hands through me. 

His hand is warm and comforting.

My poor heart now moves so fast that it feels like every beat blurs into one continuous sound.

“Don’t say stuff like that! Just... don’t. Please, Asuka.”

“You deserve happiness and care. Y-you matter… not m-me…”

Ugh. I have enough self-loathing for myself, Shinji! Don’t you start again with the same bullshit!

“I think we’re falling in a loop Third. Calling ourselves worthless and then calling each other worthy in return.”

“W-well maybe we both are a bit stupid, uh?” 

When he turns his head on me, he has a small, stupid, dorky smile. Yet, somehow, it oozes warmth. It’s the second time he offers such an expression. The first being that time we spent on the roof during sync training, finally agreeing to work together.

Gott. I swear, that smile feels like it could melt diamonds simply by existing. 

He’s not mocking me. He’s not insulting me. Just a small jab at our behavior. HA! He just unwittingly made our first inside joke.

I can’t do anything but simply answer that sweet, dorky smile with one of my own.

“Idiot” I say. Unlike the past, this time the word has no anger or contempt behind it. I slip my tongue out to ‘mock’ him and gently bump his shoulder with mine. I’m still smiling like a dork. 

Now, THIS might be my new favourite moment.

Right now, I feel like we’re no longer the Second and Third children.

Just Asuka and Shinji.

Two socially inept teenagers that somehow succeeded in talking with each other without falling into old habits.

Simple, genuine fun. A small flash of happiness shared between two lonely souls.

I turn my hand in his and squeeze it a little. Holy. Shit. 

I’m.. I'm technically holding hands! With a BOY! 

I’M HOLDING HANDS WITH SHINJI!

OhgodOhgodOhgodOhgodOhgodOhgod

‘If you’re THIS excited about holding his hand, just you wait until you’re holding him, or when he’s finally ins-’

‘Shut the FUCK up you horny brat! Let me enjoy this moment before I hyperventilate to oblivion.’

I finally did it. I finally fucking did it. For once, when I showed vulnerability, I did not get spat in the face with refusal or contempt.

I finally get it now. 

He… he’s not like the other boys, now I’m certain of it. When I saw the recordings of his fights against the angels, he surprised me. Very little experience in piloting, and yet he’s a natural at it. 

Whenever he had a chance to grope me like a pervert or humiliate me, he never did. He’s shy, introverted and possibly still scared by anything that threatens his comfort zone.

Yet, at every turn, he still impresses me time after time.. more than I can fathom.

He saved my life by risking his own goddammit!

And now, he leaves me astonished yet again. He’s leaning towards me. 

‘Bold, aren’t you? Me likey!’ the traitor provides.

He’s.. he’s.. he’s trying to.. k-kiss me?!

I-I am most definitely, not even remotely ready for that!

I put my free hand on his mouth. Gently. It stops his advance. The sudden, sad look in his eyes is utterly heartbreaking. I try to ignore the tingling in the hand that stopped him.

While I’m not ready for that particular thing, I can’t bring myself to hurt him, consciously or not. Not anymore.

‘Not yet ready, you mean’ Shut up.

I speak up while I remove both the hand on his mouth and the one still holding his.

“Were you trying to kiss me?” A small nod from him.

“Why?” I’m whispering now.

“Isn’t k-kissing what people that like each other do?” He’s almost pleading.

“S-sorry, I just thought-”

“Listen. We like each other, right?” I try to sound as steady as possible. He answers with a tiny nod and an adorable blush. He still can’t believe that I actually like him too. Dork.

“While I can do.. that..” I trail off and vaguely point with my chin towards the shiny package left on the bed. Gott, how do I phrase this without sounding like a fucking jerk?

“... I’m not ready for.. this.”

“What do you m-mean?” His tone is pleading again.

“Kissing. Being a... a c-couple. Boyfriend and girlfriend.”

“Oh… o-ok...” He sounds defeated. He thinks that whatever happened or will happen tonight will mean that we’re.. dating and stuff. Fuck. 

I… I need to do something. Say anything. I can’t just ruin whatever we have right now. I just can’t.

“I’m not saying I'll never be ready. Just...” I trail off with a huff.

“Listen. Give me… time. That’s all I ask. Can you… can you give me that at least? Please?” Please Shinji. PLEASE. I swear I’m not trying to hurt you. I just need to figure all this shit out before doing anything even remotely close to that.

Eyes closed, he slowly inhales. A slow exhale a few seconds later. My heart is beating so fast it feels like I’m gonna break a couple of ribs.

He turns his face again towards me. A somewhat sad smile graces his lips. And those verdammt piercing cobalt orbs bore right into my very being. 

“Whatever you want Asuka.”

Whatever… I want? I don’t know what I want, Idiot!

What if I wanted my Mama back? 

What if I wanted to actually kiss you instead of stopping you?

What if…

What if I no longer wanted to be a pilot, an easily discarded tool and instead got to be a normal girl simply liking a boy?!

“My my, Shinji. That’s a dangerous statement.” I tuck my hair behind both ears while looking at him with a smirk.

His eyes go as wide as saucers.

“So...” I trail off with a small sigh. At the same moment I slowly reach the small package.

“You game?” I ask once the silvery square is in both our sights again.

I hear him gulp and take slow, somewhat controlled deep breaths. My heart still won’t slow down. 

This is it. I told him that I trust him and that I like him enough to go through with it. He might not have said it explicitly, but when asked, he confirmed that he liked me too. Now... Now I just need him to trust me.

He looks at me once more. Those fucking dark blue eyes that turn my brain to mush.

“O-ok Asuka. I trust you.” He says with a small smile, a blush and a single, rather firm nod.

Those three words. Those three fucking words.

‘I bet you wanted to hear the other three words, don’t ya?’ 

‘NOT. NOW. Fuck off.’

‘Spoilsport. Now, get your game face on and FRY his poor Idiot brain’

Here we go then. Just like the 7th angel. No fear. No faltering. Maximum power.

I slowly get off the bed and turn on the light near the nightstand. The room lights up with a yellowish, moderately bright glow. I then turn to him while I stand up fully.

I reach for the hem of my nightshirt. 

It’s showtime, Asuka.

As I slowly, almost seductively dare I say, lift my arms and shirt, his eyes are glued to my figure. I’m not wearing a bra, too uncomfortable to sleep with. I shiver a little as my self-consciousness spikes up.

I know I’m attractive. The fucktons of letters and perverted stares I get at school are proof enough of that. I know that I’m drop-dead gorgeous compared to the average standard of beauty.

Except, I never feel like I am…

Too many times I stared at myself in the mirror, listing every single defect I saw in my nude form.

I’m athletic and toned, yes. But way too thin at the same time.

Anorexic.

My skin is soft and silky. Except I have a small birthmark on my nape and, while invisible, I can still see and feel every scar I received during training.

Broken.

My hair is a thick, fiery and long red mane. It almost resembles liquid fire. But I keep it long and secured with my clips to hide the birthmark. And no matter how much I brush it, wash it and care for it, the unnatural dryness remains and I can still smell the LCL through the strong fruity aroma of my shampoo. 

Ugly.

I already have my periods, my figure got more feminine as time passed and my body already desires the touch of another. But I have no body hair below my neck and my breasts are too small. Orange sized at best.

Childish and undesirable.

I close my eyes while the shirt passes my head and hair. I drop it on my side.

Eyes still closed, I take a shaky lungful of air. This is it.

I hook my fingers on the bands of my shorts and underwear and slide it down. Once removed, I shake them off and kick them lightly. 

I am now bared before him. My instincts kick in and try to convince me to cover myself. I compromise by hugging my frame at hip’s height. I could probably start a fire with my sudden blush.

Yet I still keep my eyes shut. I shiver a little. I’m terrified of his reaction. My overthinking self starts imagining one disastrous scenario after the other.

Violence. Pity. Screams. Cries. Humiliation. All those ugly scenarios play through my brain. Pure unbridled chaos is unleashed in my thoughts.

What if I’m not attractive enough? What if he laughs at me? What if I’m not good enough?

On the outside, an awkward silence ensues.

I tentatively open my eyes just a bit. The sight before me halts the bedlam in my mind.

He stares. Unblinking. His right hand is tightly clenched in the sheets underneath. He’s running his eyes up and down all over me. Outright drinking in my naked form.

He’s… looking... 

He…

I finally focus on his eyes. There it is. That look. The one I wanted to see in Kaji’s eyes.

He desires me. He wants me.

‘If that’s not proof enough that he’s attracted to you, take a look between his legs, stupid.’

I look down at his lap. The visible tenting of his pants is quite obvious. Oh.

I’m suddenly aware of a tiny trickle down my right inner thigh. Damn. I try to fight the urge of wiping it off and covering up. My blush deepens.

‘Are you stupid or something? Let him look!’

The silence is starting to worry me.

‘Maybe you really did give him an aneurysm or something.’

“S-Shinji?” A tiny, tiny whisper on my part. But still audible.

Please Third, say something. Do something. Anything but just this silence. Please!

‘Ok. Now I'm worried too. What is he thinking?’

‘I… I don’t know.’

‘Maybe he’s trying to hold himself to not give in to the urge to pin you to the floor and ravage you until you both can’t walk.’ 

A few more moments of silence.

Then, he whispers something. Something that makes me think that time simply stopped flowing. For a moment, I forget my need to breathe.

“... beautiful...” My heart stops for a few beats.

For a fraction of a second, I think he said it just to appease me. Just to make me happy. But the look still plastered on his face tells a different story.

He’s honest. He really finds me beautiful.

Of course, like the teenager that I am, I now sport a full body blush. My self-consciousness spikes up again.

But this time, it’s because I’m the only one naked.

“Y-you too now Dummy.” It may sound like an order, but it’s not. My soft voice was a dead giveaway.

I... I actually want to see him too.

At the sound of my voice, he gasps a little, blinks and finally looks up.

“Uh? O-oh! Sorry!” He averts his beautiful eyes. No, please. Keep looking.

“You can look, you know? And if we’re going to do this, you kinda need to undress too.” A somewhat lopsided smirk is on my face now.

The thought that he’ll be the only one that I'll ever allow to ever see me like this is proposed, reviewed, approved and immediately filed in a dark cabinet of my mind.

‘Thaaaank you! I’ll hold on to this until the proper moment.’

“S-sorry.” 

In a much less sultry manner than I did, he stands up and removes his shirt. He’s now topless.

‘Mmh... Tasty.’ 

He hooks his hands on his boxer shorts and pulls them down in a single smooth movement. Just like me, he pushes them to the side with his foot. 

And then promptly holds his left upper arm out of embarrassment. 

He’s now bared before me. 

‘Hold up a moment! You WILL want this for your next ‘solo session’… Ok, the memory recording thingy is now on. You may proceed.’ 

I start my observation with his chest and abdomen. Flat, no oversized muscles bulging anywhere and rather thin. Technically unremarkable. But not a single gram of fat is present. Yummy indeed.

Hold up. What?! 

I was never attracted to overtly scrawny guys or jock monkeys that had more muscle than brain cells. 

Then why am I thinking ‘yummy’ when I look at him?!

‘You did see his father once. He might be unemotional and scary. But even you have to admit that he’s rather well built.’

‘I most certainly don’t want to think about anyone else right now, much less his father. But... yeah, you’re right.’

‘Just imagine this boy all grown up. Tall, handsome, broad shouldered... In a few years he’ll definitely get tastier.’

I finally lower my gaze to his groin. Oh. Wow.

‘Okaaay. This one goes straight to the Dirty Vault. Try and avoid not fainting while I sort this out.’

Ok, I admit it. I never saw a dick in real life. Only in physiology books and what little pornography I could get my hands on without triggering safety filters back at EuroNERV.

He’s not hung or tiny by any means. The only thing that comes to mind is…

Proportionate. Perfect. 

‘I’d say. At least it won’t rearrange your organs. Still, don’t be surprised if you can’t take it all in one go. You know the first time WILL hurt. And keep a napkin nearby, the blood might scare him into thinking he’s killing you.’

‘And will you look at that? Little Shinji seems definitely happy to see you. Wanna check if Little Asuka is happy to see him?’

On impulse, I squeeze my thighs.

I’m dripping.

‘Don’t worry. Just a few short minutes and they’ll be kissing each other real good.’

‘Also, be a dear and tell him something. He did give you a compliment before.’

I look back at his flushed face. Damn he’s so cute.

Now finally feeling more confident, I place my hands on my hips. My trademark position.

“Mmmh. Not bad yourself Third.” I offer with a lewd grin and a wiggle of my eyebrows. My very first compliment to him. Feels nice.

“T-thank you...” Just a whisper.

He turns his head slightly away, still blushing. But I can see his gentle, thankful smile.

I take one step forward. I’m now at like 30 or so centimeters from him. I can already feel his warmth.

I gingerly place a hand on his chest. I can finally feel his heart. It’s rabbit fast. I then place my other hand on his waist.

I cautiously start moving them a moment later. Gentle caresses. His pecs, his hips, his arms... no part of him goes untouched by my exploring hands.

So soft. So warm. So goddamn warm. Yet, something’s missing.

Oh… he’s… he’s not touching me…

My voice is low, sultry. Injected with pure desire. I still stare at his widened and surprised eyes.

“You can touch me Third. In fact, I want you to touch me.”

He twitches a hand but still doesn’t move.

I still keep my voice calm and soft.

“Touch me Shinji. I don’t bite.”

‘Unless you want me to.’ Go back to your corner you horny wanton.

He finally moves. He immediately goes for my chest. But not for my breasts. He now mirrors my initial position. 

He… he wants to feel my heart too.

I smile at him. And not the small and timid smiles we exchanged until now. A proper, happy, content smile.

He replies in kind and my knees threaten to wobble. Fuck. I now truly regret not kissing him before. 

But... No, not tonight.

Tonight I settle a debt. In the future? Who knows, I’m not a clairvoyant. 

His hands roam my body. First my hips, then my arms, my shoulders…

… my breasts? Oh, wow. He’s getting bold now. 

He gently cups them, feels their weight and size. His hands feel scorching whenever they move. And it’s all the more pleasant. In his palms, my breasts don’t feel small or inappropriate.

It feels almost as if they were made to be held by him. It’s an uncanny feeling. But one I welcome dearly nonetheless.

A finger lightly grazes my right nipple. It’s hard and really sensitive right now. I fight back the instinct to moan. I still shiver.

He shamelessly starts to grope my right tit. I respond in kind with a gentle squeeze on his hip. And a battle of sorts begins.

Every grope he performs is perfectly matched by one of mine.

Minutes pass, and now we’re squeezing each other's buttocks without the slightest hint of shame or awkwardness. We’re still staring into each other’s eyes.

What now?

‘Now, you pin him on the bed and finally go through with it.’

Alright. Here we go.

I gently push on his chest until his calves touch the bed. 

I push harder and he flops down. He looks at me but does not move from his lying position. He probably already knows what’s coming.

I reach for the silvery package without tearing my eyes off of his. I bring it in front of me and finally tear it open to extract its content. Once in my hand, I decide to make him go crazy. 

Just a little bit.

With the lewdest grin I can manage, I lower my entire upper body between his legs. My chin is just above his navel.

I then execute my plan.

Without breaking eye contact, I ever so slowly rub my breasts from his groin all the way to his chest. The electricity I feel on my nipples is pure ecstasy. 

When finished, I rest my forehead on the crook of his neck. His scent is overwhelming. I take several long lungfuls of it. Something in the back of my mind wants me to permanently scorch it into my memory. I don’t fight it.

Inhale

Eucalyptus and pinewood soap. 

Exhale. Inhale

Sweat.

Exhale. Inhale 

Something that I can’t quite describe.

Something that’s making me positively drool from my now pulsing folds.

He shivers visibly the whole time and even lets out a small, soft moan. I feel him throbbing from start to finish.

All of it put together, triggers something in me. It makes my loins ache with raw need.

My own sex is now resting on his, moistening it with my own copious secretions. 

“And now, dear Soryu, I’ll let you enjoy the ride. But before I get back to the observation booth, let me introduce you to someone you’ve been using unconsciously for a while.’

‘Say hello to your Limbic System. Also colloquially called Lizard Brain. Have fun!’

Without even knowing what I’m doing, my body starts to act on its own with a slow grinding movement of my hips.

Holy FUCK this feels good!

My body keeps grinding. Not fast, not slow. A moderate pace where I can finally hear more of his soft moans. It’s not long before I join the concert. I'm probably running on pure instinct here.

I straighten up and place both my hands on his chest. He reacts by placing his on my breasts. Light gropes and nipple pinches follow. The grinding continues. I start to throw my head back, lost in the sheer pleasure.

We slowly come to a halt after some time. We try to regain some breath. It doesn’t surprise me that we’re breathing in perfect sync.

With my focus finally returning, I’m aware again of the unused condom in my right hand. Right. It’s time.

I sit back on his thighs and start to gently stroke him. I’m still running on pure instinct.

It feels insanely warm and it throbs and pulses every now and then. Some kind of clear liquid starts to leak from the tip.

It takes all of my willpower to avoid tasting it. Not now. Maybe next time. 

I finally place the condom on the tip and slowly, cautiously roll it down. It fits. Good.

My heart starts to beat faster from the excitement and anxiousness of the moment.

This is it. The point of no return.

I rack my brain in search of any doubt, regret or fear.

There’s none.

It’s him after all. Stupid Shinji. 

Fellow pilot. 

Classmate. 

Roommate.

Maybe friend.

The only person I trust.

And now, he’ll be my first. 

I look into his eyes to try and search for any sign of doubt, regret or fear.

Instead I find one thing only. Raw desire.

I align my hips with his and gently grab him to direct him to the right opening. My aching and copiously leaking folds hover a few scant centimeters above his now enclosed member. 

I know he wants me. I can clearly see it in his deep cobalt orbs. I want him as well. 

I want only him.

So I utter the first words in God knows how long. 

“Ready?” My voice is low and sultry.

He answers with a nod and the same make-me-weak-in-the-knees smile from before. He places his hands on my hips. Not to forcefully guide me, simply to hold me, feel me under his hands.

I bring my hips slightly lower. Contact. I release him and place both my hands on his chest. Just a little flex away now. Simply a matter of relaxing my thighs.

For the first time in my life, I simply let go.

With a single, smooth and downward movement, we claim each other.

We are now one. 

There’s still one physical barrier between us. But one I’m not willing to remove. It’s too soon. Way too soon to even think about removing it. 

Maybe in a few years... yeah, definitely that.

I close my eyes as a sense of comfort washes over me. As the empty cavity is filled with his flesh, nerve endings I wasn’t even aware of until now light up in ecstasy. His tip gently presses against something deep inside. Probably my cervix. Nothing remains untouched.

My entire lower abdomen aches with pleasure.

A perfect fit.

We’re both gasping for air. Still in sync. 

A tiny, warm and slow stream of liquid leaks out. Ah. Right. 

My hymen. 

During the two years of ‘research’ I did for my failed seduction, I tried my best to get rid of it, simply to avoid the pain. While I never had the guts to remove it in the conventional way, I did try to use overexertion to break it and get it over with. Unfortunately, it too shared my stubbornness.

But in some twisted way, I feel relieved now that it managed to outlast my many tries. 

It’s fitting that it should be broken by my first. The one person I can trust to share intimacy with. Even if it would bring me a measure of physical suffering.

With the realization, comes surprise. I barely felt pain. Mostly discomfort at having a previously untouched space being finally pried open.

The girls in college were obviously full of shit. Or maybe they were right and simply had a bad first time. 

Or maybe it is supposed to hurt, but it doesn’t if it’s with the right person. Yeah. That’s probably it. 

Shinji is the right person. It’s the only one I can allow myself to do this with. 

My conscious mind reports it as a dangerous statement. Probably just the heat of the moment.

“W-wait! You’re bleeding!” His voice is filled with concern. Oh, my poor clueless Idiot.

“It’s ok, Shinji.” I breathe out and reopen my eyes. His are filled with sheer concern and caring.

“Happens to all girls when they do it for the first time.”

His fear doesn’t abate.

I lean down a little and instinctively reach for his cheek with my right hand. A gentle, tender touch. My eyes bore into his and I offer a comforting smile.

“Everything’s ok, Dummy. Trust me.” I keep holding and caressing his cheek.

He places his hand on top of mine. A light squeeze and a soft caring smile in answer. A tiny nod follows.

I raise my hips and slowly come down. I carefully start to build up a slow rhythm. No more words now. Just gasps from both of us each time my buttocks meet his hips.

A minute later we’re already starting to moan. My right hand is still glued between his cheek and his hand.

I increase my tempo and to my utter pleasure he starts to somewhat match my movements. Perfect sync. The fire in my abdomen turns into a searing inferno.

As I keep moving, I straighten up and place both my hands on his chest. The flames of pleasure are rising. He moves his left palm from my hip to my breast. His right one slides down to cup, hold and squeeze my buttcheek.

I crane my head back in pleasure as the rhythm increases again. I’m getting loud. I never felt more aroused than right now. His softer moans only drive me wilder.

I feel pride. To know that I can make him feel this much pleasure, makes me clench my walls and moan louder. Thus exciting him and increasing his softer moans. A loop I want to keep up for as long as possible.

But alas, even this will come to an end.

While it feels like we started hours ago, it’s really only been a few minutes. I feel my core pulse. Anytime now. While my body tells me that I need to cum, I’m hesitant to do so.

I want to climax with him. I want to feel him explode the moment I reach my own peak. So I try to hold back, but at this point it's very difficult.

I feel almost at my limit but for once, the universe finally is gracious enough to grant me a wish.

He gasps out my name. This is it.

With one final movement, everything fades away. 

Everything but me and him.

We peak at the exact same moment.

Perfectly in sync.

The instant my cervix feels the hot and soft bulging of the rubber, something akin to lightning runs repeatedly between my brain and my womb. I throw my head back, close my eyes and let everything go.

With a wail rivaling the strongest angel alarm, I scream his name. 

The most powerful orgasm of my life is finally unleashed.

I collapse on top of him. Panting. Sweating. Finally free.

The aftershocks of the mind melting orgasm I just experienced still run through me. My spasming makes me ever so slightly rub my nipples on his chest, making me shudder even more. Another loop I’m unwilling to break.

I nuzzle my face in the crook of his neck and snake my arms around his torso. A possessive gesture. 

He replies in kind. He’s finally holding me.

“Thank you, Shinji.” I breathe out. I can’t tell if I'm grateful for what he did a few days ago or for the wonderful sex we just had. Maybe for both. I don’t give a flyin’ fuck. 

Still running on instincts, I kiss the side of his neck. He squeezes me harder in response. 

He won’t let me go.

I tighten my embrace as well.

I won’t let him go.

As we tighten our embrace my eyelids get heavy. Almost as if he can sense my tiredness, he detaches a hand from me and leans to the nightstand to turn off the light. Darkness is restored in our little world.

But for the first time, it’s not scary. I feel content, comfortable. 

He repositions both of his arms. One settles on my lower back and the other behind my head, cradling and holding it in place at his neck. He gently places his head on top of mine. His cheek touches my forehead.

Warmth.

Safety.

Happiness.

We don’t even say ‘goodnight’ to each other. There’s no need to after all.

I fall asleep with a smile on my face.

…

…

During my sleep, no dream or nightmare alike reaches me.

…

…

Warmth.

Thin but safe and comfortable arms.

A familiar scent.

No no no. Not just familiar.

His scent.

I keep my eyes closed as my brain starts its morning boot up sequence.

Ah. Yes. I fell asleep on top of him. Mh. Apparently we haven’t moved a single millimeter since last night. His hands are still where he left them. 

On my lower back and cradling my head protectively.

My head remains still. In what I now realize is its rightful place. 

Beside his, nuzzled against him.

The realization is terrifying. But I strangely don’t fight it back.

When I open my eyes, the early morning glow welcomes me back. Thanks to my position, I can at least adapt my eyes to the light without suffering.

‘Good morning sunshine!’

Ugh, not now..

‘So! How was it?’

‘Fine.’

‘Just ‘fine’? I smell bullshit Soryu. Oh no, wait. I definitely smell sex.’

…

‘Come on girl, how was it? You can skip the dirtiest details if you want.’

‘Let me guess.. you already know how I felt then and how I feel now and you just want me to admit it to myself. Correct?’

‘Daaamn sister! Sharp as a progressive knife this early in the morning? Sex might be really good for you if it makes you like this.’

‘Alright. It was...’

‘Out with it Asuka. Say it. Don’t fight it.’

‘Perfect.’

‘And here we have a winner! Ding Ding Ding! You win the jackpot!’

‘Now, let’s talk long term. For the next time, I’d suggest maybe your room. Definitely has a better bed than this lumpy old thing. After that, you might want to decide on how to propose to him. Maybe at an overlook. Or maybe on your knees while you’re suc-’

‘Fuck. Me. Please, please stop. Let me enjoy this before we have to get up.’

‘I think he already has thoroughly fucked you last night. Want a second round just after a few hours? If you do, go right ahead! He’s still inside you after all.’

Wait. What?

I clench my walls a little. There’s resistance. A lot of it in fact. It doesn’t help that pretty much everything below my chest is aching. Even my throat feels sore. Almost as if…

Oh. Right. I basically announced to the entire northern hemisphere that I was coming. And that he was the one responsible for it.

Totally worth it.

A small groan from above me. He’s stirring up.

As reluctant as I am to move my head, I do. I sit halfway back once again but my arms never leave his torso. He still remains inside.

“Hey Stupid Shinji.” I softly call out with a smile.

A groan and a yawn from him. His eyes slowly open and instantly widen upon seeing me hovering above his face. Ah, he’s nervous again.

Let’s defuse the situation. I slap the biggest and nicest grin I can muster on my face. It is laughably easy to do so in front of those eyes. And hey, let’s be honest. He’s the only one worthy of such a smile.

“Guten Morgen Third! Sleep well?” I cheerfully speak up.

“Uh g-guten murg- uhm morgen, Asuka. And y-yes, I slept well… you?” A tentative smile on his face. Mmh. Not enough.

“Oh I haven’t slept this well in a looong time. I have to thank you for that!” My stupidly content grin is unchanged and I don’t break eye contact. For the life of me, I don’t think I’m even capable of it anymore.

“You’re welcome!” My cheerfulness is obviously contagious as his smile widens. He won’t break eye contact either.

“And uhm... Me too. I haven’t slept this good in a while I guess...”  The smile turns a bit brittle. Uh. If I have to take a wild guess, he probably has had similar problems with sleep in the past. 

Of course, I doubt he has to see every night his own mother try to choke the life out of her child and then kill herself in front of him. So I ask one simple question.

“Nightmares?” He answers with an ashamed and sad nod.

“I know the feeling. Listen, we don’t have to talk about it now, ok? Maybe another time.” He eagerly nods. He might not see an attempted murder/suicide but whatever he dreams, it’s obviously strong enough to make him lose sleep over them. I don’t want to shift the mood into more Doom & Gloom so I hastily change the subject. I’m way too comfortable right now.

“So… the verdict on last night?”

“Uhm... I don’t think I can put it into words” He chuckles a bit. I do so too.

“Yeah, me neither. The only thing that I can say is that it was...”

“Perfect.” We say it at the exact same moment. We chuckle together instantly. Gott this is so much fun! 

But unfortunately for both of us, I now have to bring the mood down a notch or two. So I put on a more serious expression.

“Now, I won’t threaten you Shinji. But it goes without saying that nobody will know about this. Ok? What happened or will happen between us in private, will remain private and between us. And ONLY us. I don’t want or need to go to school or NERV and hear that the two best Evangelion pilots are fucking. Deal?” Sorry for the mood change Shinji, but I need you to be on the same page as me if something will come out of this.

Whatever this is or may be.

“Of course Asuka! I-I wouldn’t even think about betraying your trust.”

“W-wait... you think that I’m... one of the best pilots?”

*Sigh “Mein lieber Dummkopf, of course you’re one of the best. You might not have the full training or ten years of piloting under the belt, but you already have five angel kills to your name. Of those, two are shared with me. So, be happy and eagerly accept the compliment.”

The Dummy blushes. “T-thank you, Asuka.” A grateful and genuine smile graces his lips again.

“You’re welcome, Third!” On pure impulse, I cheerfully plant a big ol’ kiss on his cheek. His blush is astronomical now. Dork. 

At least for me, the mocking names I came up with no longer hold any venom anymore. They almost transformed into some kind of affectionate nickname. Just for him. Or maybe they have always been as such from day one. Who knows. Who cares.

He still smiles. Yeah, I think he gets it too now.

“I think we might need to get up, you know? Misato might discover us in uhm... this position.”

“Eh. Don’t worry. She had to leave for the city last night. Paperwork and shit if I remember.” I shrug a little. “I wouldn't have entered your room if she had been here after all. She’ll be back for us and Pen-Pen at noon. We can stay like this a bit longer.” It’s probably as obvious as the phrase ‘fire is hot’ that I don’t want to break the embrace just yet.

“I’d like to stay like this too... But I think my bladder is starting to complain.”

A small awkward silence is upon us.

An equally awkward giggle follows. At the same time, we start to disentangle ourselves. 

The moment I’m standing beside the bed, I make a show of stretching. Yet another thing only for him. 

Just like during my undressing last night, his eyes are glued to me. Even while he raises himself and sits on the edge of the mattress. A lecherous grin takes over my features. 

Oh yeah. Take a good, long look dear Idiot. If the mood hits me, I just might join you in bed again in the future.

He slowly gets up, eyes still on me.

I stare at his wobbling half-mast member the whole time.

But just as he fully stands, the used condom slips off.

We follow its interesting journey intently…

… Until it meets the ground with a wet smack.

No cicadas. No breathing. No nothing.

Nothing but silence.

…

…

A snort at first.

Then a chuckle.

Giggling follows.

And it all turns into a maniacal, almost insane laughter from both of us.

All because of the simple trip the condom has taken to say hello to the floor.

While we laugh our asses off at the absurdly comical development, I start to think about what will come next.

Honestly? I don’t care.

The angels could stop coming altogether or never stop at all. 

Maybe I won't be able to pilot anymore at some point.

I could be fired or hell, maybe the world as we know it will end before the year runs its course.

Again, I dont give a fuck and I don’t know what will happen. Especially between me and the Dork.

But there’s one thing that I’m certain of. I will face it all and I won’t have to do it alone. 

In whatever form or way, I have him now. 

I won’t let him go.

Chapter Text

It’s mid May now. And an unlikely mix of emotions swirls in my mind while I tap my pencil on the notebook in front of me.

It’s been one week since that day. Seven long, boring and slightly awkward days.

I miss the afterglow. Oh and the sex too, obviously. Even if it was just the one time.

We haven’t done anything since then. Our class returned from the diving trip a few days after we came back from the hot springs. Hikari relayed to me how they had ‘a lot of fun’ diving in some old ruins or something and a shitload of gossip. Confessions, breakups, fights... all of it. She told me that one of the girls in class got herself a long distance boyfriend. How a simple argument between two boys regarding their wetsuits almost escalated into a full blown fight. How that jock monkey Suzuhara spent all his time between swimming and hanging out with that pervert Aida. Eh. It’s obvious she likes that idiot monkey boy. To each their own I guess. 

When I told her about the volcano, she immediately went pale. All she knew was that ‘us pilots were forced to stay behind due to security issues’ or some bullshit like that. I vaguely spoke of the angel, how I fought valiantly and succeeded... and of my almost demise. She nearly broke down in tears at that point. 

And then she went full schoolgirl-with-a-crush dreamy when I told her that Shinji saved my life by risking his own. 

I obviously omitted the part where me and Shinji technically kinda confessed and proceeded to fuck each other’s brains to mush.

I instead told her that I thanked him and made a promise to myself to try and berate him less in the future.

And yeah. Things between me and the Idiot have been a bit awkward. Sometimes we looked at each other and simply couldn't do anything but blush. Yet we rarely averted our eyes.

But still, I can safely say that our interactions have gotten less heated and more friendly. I’ve often thanked him for the food he cooks, I stopped screaming bloody murder every time he handles my underwear to do the laundry and we even studied together at times. I help him with the more complex stuff and he helps me with my Kanji writing and reading. He offered, I accepted and he simply started helping me without judging or pitying me. A tiny unspoken agreement has basically taken place. We show our trust and respect for each other with tiny thankful gestures. Finally having someone to share those things with, it’s fantastic to say the least.

Of course Misato did not stand idly by. By seeing us cooperate more she definitely increased her teasing. But I also noticed something. While she hasn’t changed the way she interacts with me, things between her and the Third have definitely gotten colder. She seems more distant, almost resentful at times. She’s obviously still angry at him for the stunt he pulled in the volcano. 

I’m more than pissed at her, but I still keep up an amicable façade. She basically disregarded my survival in the previous mission. Then, apparently forgetting her own words at the onsen, she returned to her cheery ‘big sister’ behaviour around me. And now she’s starting to dismiss him at times.

Yeah. I might have been aggressive and arrogant with Shinji. But I never outright ignored him. Not even at my most incensed. Deep down, his presence and opinion still mattered to me even at my worst.

Needless to say, over the past few days, I started to slowly ignore her remarks and stuff. She’s supposed to be a fucking adult, take care of her own responsibilities and in this particular case, also take care of two of the most important people in the world.

And what does she do instead? Drinks herself to a slobbering stupor, treats both me and the Dork like we’re goddamn 8 year olds and apparently gives us orders in battle without a care if we get hurt or killed in the process. Just like fucking tools, ready to be discarded the moment we stop being useful or when we inevitably break.

Whatever. She can go and get herself fucked with a cactus for all I care. At NERV she's my superior, and in battle she can give all the orders she wants. 

And I will follow them regardless.

Don’t be mistaken. While I utterly hate following orders blindly, I still respect the chain of command. And for all her faults, she still is a good tactician. But the next time she gives an order that might get either me or Shinji hurt badly? She will have a mutiny on her hands. 

I huff a little. Holy shit, when will this verdammt old geezer finally stop talking about life before Second Impact!? 

Can’t we have the science teacher more often? At least she’s not boring and actually teaches something. Hell, I would even accept PE or Kanji lessons instead of this utterly boring thing.

I gaze around the classroom. And my eyes instantly find the brown mop of hair that has dominated my thoughts for the past months.

Ever since we returned from the hot springs, I instantly noticed something different about him. Small things. Stuff only a girl would notice in a guy.

He’s no longer slouching with his head down while walking. He looks much more self assured than before. At least compared to his previous standards, let’s be real.

And most importantly, his eyes no longer feel unfocused or distant. They feel alive, finally looking intently at what’s around him instead of being lost in whatever.

Every day since I noticed the changes in him, I fought the urge to simply pin him to his bed and ride him till kingdom come. At times now, he’s downright hot.

In the past I touched myself by fantasizing about him, but I had no frame of reference. Just my imagination.

Now that I have it? The intensity of my ‘solo sessions’ has skyrocketed. Every night since the hot springs, I kept reliving our first time. 

I still kept quiet though, often biting down on whatever was at hand to hide my moans. Keeping the bedsheets dry was of course way more difficult. While he knows that I do it and that I think about him in those moments, I’m still ashamed of letting him know the exact moment I do it.

To my surprise, having the unaware purple-headed cock blocker around the house helps in controlling myself from simply jumping him at any given moment.

What definitely doesn’t help, is the other thing.

Every fucking day, Shinji has girls straight up hovering over him. Before the hot springs, I simply dismissed it. Now it’s fucking annoying.

When we enter school they approach him, cheerfully greet him and giggle like fucking birds when they leave.

At lunch he often has one or two girls asking him to join. Luckily, the two stooges always around him work as some sort of safety wall. Good. Finally something they’re useful for.

When we leave for the day, the same morning routine repeats itself. Approach, goodbyes and giggles.

Verdammte unwürdige Schlampen.

Not one week after our first time and those… Those.. fucking sluts are trying to take him away! And I heard them! Oh yes, I did goddamn hear them in the changing room after PE class. Every girl who’s still single is pining hard for him. Some discuss ambushing him when he’s alone, others propose myriads of possible dates with him and every one of them drones on and on about how great is the fact that the only male Eva Pilot is still single. A couple of the harlots even had the gall to ask me how he is in private.

And that's where I lied my ass off. I told them how boring and dull he is. How he probably does the laundry as an excuse to do perverted stuff and how bland his cooking is.

They still won’t let it go. Bunch of goddamn stalkers.

Just like what the boys want from me, the girls want the same from Shinji. A trophy to parade around.

It will not happen while I’m around.

‘I 100% agree. We definitely need to do something.’

‘The only valid solution might be telling everyone that we started dating. But no.. I’m not ready for that..’

‘Mmh.. Could work but yeah, you still need to figure some shit out on your own.’

‘What do I do then?’

‘Wait a moment. Lemme check something with my less talkative counterpart.’

…

‘Mmmh... Interesting...’

…

‘Oh yeah. Very interesting.’

…

‘Oh she’s definitely gonna love that! So you’re saying...’

…

‘Now THAT is a worthwhile plan.’

‘I’m still waiting y’know?’

‘Oh sorry! Forgot you were still here for a moment!’

‘So, our dear limbic buddy did a thing. And wants you to do another thing.’

‘Explain.’

‘I’m afraid all your past fantasies with Kaji have been either eliminated or mutated enough to make you feel sick even by simply visualizing them. Not exactly a big loss there to be honest.’

I mentally sigh. 

‘In response, our rather primitive buddy created a bunch of new fantasies with our dear Dummy. And politely requests to bring them to life since it’s now possible to do so. Ok. No, sorry. Not exactly “politely requests” but more like “do something consciously or be ready to hump him while sleepwalking” kinda deal.’

‘Wait… so does that really mean...”

‘You guessed right, Soryu! You need to claim the Idiot!’

‘Claim him?! Are you nuts?! We just agreed that claiming him in public would be a very bad idea!’

‘Who said anything about going public? You jus-’

‘But claiming him MEANS going public!’

‘Not neces-’

‘I already told you. I. Am. Not. Rea-’

‘CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP?!’

…

‘Thank you. As I was trying to say, claiming him doesn’t necessarily mean going public. You simply need to stake your claim on him. TO him to be exact. Let him know that he’s yours. Period. Rub yourself on him to mark him with your scent, some little bites on his neck in a visible spot, maybe suc-’

‘OK, I GET IT.’

‘Simply imagine you’re a little doggie marking her mate and go with the flow.’

‘Alright! Alright! Jeez… I’ll do it. It could give me enough time to at least figure things out. Would already be worth it just for the sex with him. But I’m most definitely not doing any pissing on him!’

‘That’s the spirit!’

The final bell for the day rings. FINALLY!

I pack up my things in record time. Can’t wait to get away from the horny vultures. A quick glance at Shinji shows that he’s probably thinking along the same lines. He seems to definitely dislike the increased attention he’s been given these last few days.

Together we make a beeline for the lockers. Once we change our shoes and grab our bags, we finally make our way to the gates. No giggling girls in sight today. Good.

After we exit the school gates and turn the first corner, I breathe deeply in relief. For the first time in days, no damn interruptions.

While we walk home, we chat amicably. And just as I suspected, he despises being hounded constantly by random girls. Both because of the attention and because of the merciless teasing of the stooges.

Don't worry, Stupid Shinji. I’ll get them off your back and get you to smile at me again.

When we’re a couple blocks away from home, I stop him with a light grip on his upper arm. I speak with a serious tone.

“Shinji. When we get home, THIS is what’s going to happen. I take a shower, then you take a shower and once you’re preparing dinner we’ll need to talk about something important. Ok?”

“O-ok Asuka! But why the secrecy?”

“It’s… something that we can talk about only between each other. You know what I mean, right?” A small tilt of my head and a single wiggle of my eyebrows. Should be sufficient to make him understand.

“Oh! Right, right. Sorry! Then uhmm… I hope Misato has a late night... so we can… uhmm talk and stuff.” He scratches the back of his head and blushes. But I can see the small upturned corners of his mouth. 

Yeah, he’s a pervert. But since it’s him, I’ll let it pass.

Ten minutes later we enter the apartment. Home. A quick check reveals no drunken guardian in sight. Right. Go.

After taking off my shoes, a bulb lights up in my mind. 

Oh, yeah... that could work.

While he takes off his shoes, I immediately start to disrobe in front of him. When he turns his head and freezes on the spot, I’m already down to just panties and socks. A grin takes over my face.

“A-Asuka...” A quite strangled whisper on his part. Just like at the onsen, his eyes are drinking in my nudity. My quick glance at his groin reveals the reaction I wanted to cause. Nice.

A few final movements and only my sync clips are left. I clasp my hands behind my back and thrust out my chest, almost touching his own with my breasts. I flutter my eyes at him and speak in the cutest and sweetest manner known to man.

“So Shinji, you remember today’s plan, right?” A dumb nod on his part. He still looks at me. I probably fried a couple of his brain cells.

“Now, I’ll go and take a shower. Would you be a dear and take my uniform and bag back to my room, please?” 

Another dumb nod. His pupils are now dilated almost to the point that no iris remains visible. He’s probably imagining what we’ll likely do later. No need to tell him that I'm doing the same.

Gott, I want him so badly right now.

Contain yourself Soryu. Contain yourself. First, the shower. Second, the talk. And as the last step, the ravaging of the Idiot. Got it?

Alright. 

I spin on my heels in an effortless show of agility and start to walk towards the bathroom. I swing my hips just a little more visibly. It’s for him after all.

When I reach the door, I lean against it and prominently stick out my ass. I look over my shoulder and he’s still staring unblinkingly. 

Yeah, he definitely lost some brain over this.

‘Then finish the job, girl.’

He’s still looking. 

I grin and bite the tip of my left index finger.

“Might want to pick up that jaw while you're at it.”

I suddenly wink and slap my right buttcheek. I duck inside and the bathroom door closes behind me.

Oh yeah. After this, he’s definitely going to go nuts.

I don’t mind how suddenly squishy my inner thighs feel.

I hear a faint voice a few meters from the bathroom.

“Wha... what just happened?” Oh, it’s him.

“What just happened?!” He’s raising his voice.

“WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!” He’s practically screaming now. Dummy.

“This has to be a dream. This has to be a dream.” Seriously?

“Ouch” Ah, he pinched himself.

“HOLY CRAP THIS IS REAL!” He’s once more almost screaming. He whoops and hollers for a good minute. 

His howls of happiness bring an impossibly strong warmth to my chest. I smile like a dumbass at hearing his happy cheers.

My cheekbones feel wet. The sweat. Yeah, definitely the sweat.

I hop in the shower and I’m probably still smiling like an idiot. Tonight...

Yes. Tonight. 

Tonight I will claim him for myself. I still don’t know how, but I will. Even just being fuck-buddies will work. It’ll surely be a huge improvement compared to what we were before Mt. Asama. 

What were we before then?

Rivals at best, enemies at worst?

Reluctant roommates?

I don’t know… What I do know is that I don’t want to go back to what we were before. 

What I do know is that I want to stay close to him. One way or another.

And who knows... maybe after years of sex and talking I’ll be ready to…

… to…

‘Use the dreaded L-word?’

Yeah... that…

Just thinking about that word sends shivers down my spine. Ever since losing Mama, I haven’t been able to even use it.

I’ve never been… before. I don’t even know if I’m capable of having such a feeling.

While I keep musing, the water turns cold. I yelp and curse while I reach for the knobs.

After wrapping myself in my two towels, I stride out and the smell of an already prepared dinner enters my nose.

Mmh. Tasty.

I sit at my usual spot. Ready to devour my meal. 

But something is missing. Oh yes, Shinji needs to take a shower too.

The water in the bathroom is turned on. A muttered curse follows. And I giggle to myself. I did just use up all the hot water after all.

“Asuka! C’mon! I needed to shower too!”

“Sorry!” I giggle way louder now. He huffs and turns off the water as I start to eat.

He strides out of the bathroom clad only in his boxer shorts and heads for his room. Yummy. A couple of minutes later, he comes out again with his fresh clothes in one hand and a basket with his worn uniform in the other. 

He heads to my room immediately after. Probably to take my own clothes and wash them. Two more minutes later, he’s out again but walks to the kitchen instead.

He stops a few meters from the table and stares at me. I raise an eyebrow and offer a small smirk. He grins like the cute idiot that he is, throws me a wink and finally returns to the hallway. My nether regions feel very pleased at that.

He definitely thinks he’ll get lucky tonight. And while I am more than ready and willing, I still want to tease him a little. Just to have a some fun before the way better stuff can happen. 

When I’m sure he’s back in the bathroom after his laundry collection and has started the washing machine, I finally take my shot.

“Remember to wash your pecker!” I giggle again and then resume eating.

Not a second later he unexpectedly answers.

“I hope you remembered to wash your pussy!”

An instant later, the food I was chewing on is flying from my mouth.

That... that cheeky Idiot!

I start to hear a chortle from the bathroom. My own giggling joins shortly after. It all turns into one big laughter across the bathroom and into the kitchen.

After a good two minutes of laughing, the water in the bathroom restarts, and this time the water heater as well. While Shinji washes himself, I grab some paper towels and start to clean up the mess I made with the food.

Gotta be honest. I did not expect him to laugh instead of apologizing or stuttering at the joke. Mmh. Maybe he is learning something from me.

Not five minutes later, the kitchen floor and table are pristine again. While I wait for Shinji to finish up in the bathroom, I duck in my room to grab some fresh clothes. 

Since we’re most definitely going to do it again tonight, I want to floor him. I decide to go with an oversized t-shirt that I sometimes use for sleeping. The very low neckline will make him drool.

No bra obviously. 

I then pick up a pair of particularly short shorts. Red of course.

I ‘somehow’ forget to wear panties. This is going to be fun!

When I return to the table, a now t-shirt and shorts clad Shinji has just begun sitting down. He stops, looks at me and gapes like a fish. Again.

I wink and smile. He closes his jaw and smiles as well. 

For the next fifteen minutes we eat in silence, occasionally throwing a sneaky glance at each other. More than once our eyes meet and we simply smile. 

I’ll probably have a wet spot on my shorts by the time I get up.

The phone rings. We don’t answer as we’re too engrossed in each other.

A few seconds later, the answering machine picks up.

“Hi guys. I’ll probably won’t be making it home until tomorrow. I think I'll be back in the late morning if all goes well. Dang overtime is killing all my free time. Remember to feed Pen-Pen and PLEASE, don’t leave the TV on again the whole night. The electric bill is already expensive as it is. Don’t demolish the house if you start to argue, I still prefer to have a roof by the time I get home. Night night! Misato out!”

Oh.

I look up at Shinji. He looks at me. He might not be smiling, but I can see a certain gleam in his eyes.

Free house until tomorrow. We can do whatever we want. Fuck Yeah.

But we still have to talk. Right. 

“So, what did you want to talk about?” He pipes up, almost as if reading my mind.

“Well, I wanted to talk about...” I gesture with a hand between the two of us.

“About… us?”

“Yup.”

“What about us?”

A small silence. I break it after a few seconds.

"Do you know what ‘fuck-buddies’ are?”

“Not sure I ever heard it...”

“Basically it means... uhm... two single people that have sex with each other but don’t have the… uhmm... how can I say it? Ah yes, the ‘emotional’ stuff.”

“So... two people, not in a couple. That have s-sex like a couple but then are not a couple themselves? Is this right?”

“A bit more convoluted way to say it but yeah, pretty much.” 

I take a deep breath.

“Truth is, I want us to become fuck-buddies Shinji.” I can see his eyes widen while his chopsticks freeze mid-air.

Silence once more.

“Wark?” The bird pipes up. I jolt for a second. I swear I completely forgot that he was home too.

Shinji silently gets up, grabs a can of sardines and carefully drops them in Pen-Pen’s bowl. 

“Wark.” A small pat on the penguin’s head and then he sits back down at the table.

Silence ensues again. He then finally speaks.

“So... we get to do it again?” Of all the possible questions, he asks that one?! Damn pervert!

“Yes Dork! It’s implied in the name.” I good-naturedly roll my eyes at him.

“But!” I raise a finger “I want us to be special fuck-buddies.” I’m improvising now.

“Special?” He furrows his brows a little.

*Sigh “You… probably noticed that I don’t exactly trust anyone, right?” He shakes his head in response.

“Well that’s how it is. For me, giving someone my trust is a huge deal.” A small nod on his part. Still good.

“Now you understand that what we did at the resort is a big deal to me, Shinji. I told you back then, you’re the only one I trust. I wouldn’t have given you my virginity if I didn’t.”

“I… I won't force a decision on you. I didn’t do it then, I won’t do it now and I won’t do it in the future.”

“I just want you to know… you’re the first person I actually want to keep around.”

“W-what about the Class Rep?” He tentatively asks.

“Yeah, no... Hikari is a friend. A good one too. But she’s not that close to me.” As I speak, I offer him a small shrug and a melancholic smile.

“I told you back then that I needed time to figure things out between us.” He nods.

“Well, this is me offering a chance to do so. We can keep having sex, and in the meantime I’ll try to sort that stuff out. And if you need to do the same, you're free to do so. That's all there is to it, Shinji.” I shrug again.

He slowly reaches across the table and covers one of my hands with his. It’s warm. He looks up, and that gorgeous smile of his is back.

“I-I understand Asuka. And uhmm... I... you too, you know?” I tilt my head inquisitively.

“I-I mean... You're the first person I want to be around for too. And I trust you too, Asuka.” His smile widens further. My vision blurs a little.

A few seconds of silence. Then, I whisper.

“So... What’s your decision, Shinji?”

“I... I think I already answered?”

“No you didn’t, Stupid!”

“Oh! Sorry! Then… Yes, I accept your offer.” He answers eagerly with a nod.

“Good. Now, let’s talk rules!” I pipe up equally eagerly.

“Wait. What rules?”

“Rules! You know? So we don’t end up fighting and stuff? Maybe we modify them along the way, but we still need them.”

“Oh! Right, right... So, where do we start?”

“Mmh... I’d say ‘No Kissing’ as the first. As we still need to figure those things out, I'd say this is paramount for that. When we’ve sorted it all out, maybe we remove it. Deal?”

“Deal. Next.. And I-I hope I won’t offend you, can I suggest ‘Talk instead of screaming’? If something is wrong, we talk it out instead of getting angry and just scream at each other. What do.. What do you think?”

“I can work with that. Oh wait! Get a notebook and a pencil. Let’s write them down. So we can have them listed and we can review them whenever we want.”

“Oh good idea! Gimme a sec!” He sprints to his bedroom. Cluttering and some cursing follows. I giggle.

I actually did it, uh?

‘What did I tell you?’

‘Yeah yeah don’t get all smug with me.’

‘And now, if you can stick by your own rules and finally start to talk with him, you just might be able to use that L-word with someone in the future.”

‘Eh, maybe. But I doubt I’ll be able to say it to anyone but him.’

‘...’

‘Hold up.’

‘...’

‘Did you just use reverse fucking psychology on me?! Simply to make me admit that he’ll be the only one I'll be able to lo… do that?! Are you shitting me?!’

‘…’

‘I most certainly did not try to do that! Nossir!’

‘Ugh. I hate you.’

After he returned, we spent a good hour laying out our rules. All sorts of stuff. Most of them will probably be changed, removed or revised as time will pass. 

They really are just guidelines in the end. Just common ground between two people that want to keep one around the other.

Actually, there’s only one real rule. 

The very first thing we wrote. Three simple words. 

We decided to put it alone at the top simply due to its weight. Needless to say that we blushed to the point of resembling my Unit-02 while we spoke it out loud.

Only between us.

It’s been five days since our ‘Arrangement’ started.

And for the first time in my life, I feel something I can almost classify as happiness.

The night of our big talk ended in my bed, of course. We ended up doing it sideways, facing and holding each other. Pure bliss.

It was the first time where he actively moved to bring me pleasure. While the position was a bit uncomfortable, it definitely drove my arousal higher than when we did it at the onsen.

I couldn’t bring myself to suggest a position where we cannot see each other. I still can’t actually.

Looking into his eyes while he drove into me, brought me more pleasure than I could handle. And seeing his expression while we came together was all the more arousing.

Our next bout was the morning after. And it was a first in a few ways. First time we did it with him on top. First time where he shyly brought his mouth on my breasts. The first time he collapsed on top of me. I didn’t mind in the slightest. 

Especially since I came so hard I nearly pissed myself and I got to hold him in my arms afterwards.

That day was nearly perfect. A blissful round of sex before breakfast. No giggling vultures at school hovering over Shinji. No clean-up duty after classes. No Misato at home when we returned. And most importantly, we spent the night in each other’s arms. No sex. Just warmth and comfort. And some slightly awkward cuddles since we were almost naked.

Although, the next morning we did have a close call. Misato woke up earlier than usual and wondered where the breakfast was. When she knocked on my door and asked if I knew where Shinji was, I genuinely panicked.

Fortunately, the Dummy had the brilliant idea to rise silently from the bed and say that he was simply lounging on the balcony to get some morning fresh air. Apparently, Misato believed him, since not long after she was in the shower. Shinji, out of caution, went out of my room through the balcony and re-entered using the living room door.

To my dismay, the rest of the day was long and boring. Especially due to the four hour long sync-test we had in the afternoon. At least that went rather well. 6 points increase for him and 4.5 for me. 56% overall sync rate for Shinji, 73.5% for me. I felt pride. Not because of my result. I already know I have the best numbers so far. Pride for him. He’s increased over his previous scores and I’m unusually happy about it. 

After all, a better sync ratio means better performance on the field. And better performance means we can protect each other better when in trouble. Plus, him raising his scores means that for the first time I have actual competition for the top spot. While I despise someone overtaking me with no actual experience to back it up, at the very least it pushes me to be at my best.

Yeah, some day he might actually reach my scores. But he’s still far from it, and maybe when or if it happens I won’t get angry. Not too much at least.

Interestingly, Ayanami was nowhere in sight during the tests. In fact, we haven’t seen her in a whole week. Eh. Probably recharging her batteries or updating her software to be even less talkative or more compliant. I didn’t particularly care.

Oh and yes. I did start to notice some more stuff. Ever since the talk, Shinji has become ever so slightly more possessive and protective of me. 

When I told him the day before yesterday of the letters I find in my locker on an almost daily basis, I could see the hint of anger in his eyes. Not directed at me, obviously. But probably targeted at whoever wrote the stuff.

He didn’t know that my panties remained thoroughly soaked the whole day due to his reaction. He didn’t need to know. He felt the result of that with the wild riding I rewarded him with at night.

Lunch at school that day was... interesting… and strangely pleasant.

When me and Hikari went to the roof for some peace and quiet, we found the Dork and the jock already there. On impulse, we decided to have lunch together. 

Shinji and the jock next to each other, with me in front of the Third and Hikari in front of Suzuhara. 

Personally, I was actually glad that the stupid pervert Aida was not there. Apparently he went to a military exhibition or something. Eh, all the better. He can keep humping tanks for all I care.

What took me completely by surprise was Suzuhara. I still don’t bother in the slightest with him, don’t get me wrong. But without the otaku around, he’s more calm, less teasing and actually less eager to invade Shinji’s personal space. Good. 

To be completely honest, if I had to choose someone to be the Idiot’s friend between the two, the monkey would be the obvious choice. Yeah, he punched him not two days after meeting him. But at least has shown initiative to take responsibility for his actions and remedy to his misgivings. Hikari of course was blushing half the time while being seated in front of him. Ugh. Just tell him already, girl!

The conversation we all held together was actually rather good. Some school stuff, gossip from other classes and yeah.. even some slight bits and pieces about piloting. Both Hikari and the jock were actually surprised in knowing that it’s not exactly a walk in the park to fight while being stabbed, bitten or thrown around like a rag. 

But I think they were more surprised by the rather sour and gloomy mood I had while talking about it. To my own surprise, they didn’t pity us in the slightest and simply expressed gratitude at being the first and last line of defense of humanity. Shinji blushed at that, obviously. Still can’t take a compliment, the dork.

Yesterday was fine. Cuddling in the morning, quick shower, school (damn vultures were at it again) and grocery shopping. At home things got tense though.

Misato was pissed that he didn’t buy the gallons of beer she ‘needs’. For the first time, Shinji stood his ground by telling her that he couldn’t buy them since we already had our hands full with the food. 

In that particular moment, my underwear was moist to say the least. Seeing him more assertive with his choices is one big damn turn on, even on small stuff such as grocery shopping. Misato instead resorted to huffing and protesting like a child without her toys. Pathetic.

Unfortunately we didn’t share the bed afterwards. It was too cold without him. More than once I extended an arm to his usual spot and was disappointed when he wasn’t there. I can’t blame him though. Misato was scary sober. One wrong sound and she would have woken up. At least his lingering scent on the pillow and sheets managed to calm me down and allowed me to have a relatively trouble-free slumber.

This morning the slob was again up and about earlier than usual. When I was showering however, I still heard her trademark alcohol driven war cry. Yuck. Disgusting habit. Even if I don’t drink, I can understand a glass of wine or something once in a while. Can be a good social lubricant and even complement a dish.

But having three fucking beers as soon as you wake up is called ‘being an alcoholic’, no matter if you’re a functional one or not. Screw her. It’s her liver, not mine. I actually can’t wait for the moment she gets to NERV blackout drunk and is presented with a demotion or punishment of sorts.

I can see that something’s still wrong. Her interactions with Shinji remain cold, and she’s not even bothering to hide it behind false smiles anymore. Many times she actually looked jealous at the increased attention that Shinji has been paying me.

To be honest? I worry that one of these days things will blow up and the apartment’s status quo will shatter. I just hope she won’t start to enforce things as our superior.

And now? Now the late morning class is boring the shit out of me. Again that fucking droning about life before Second Impact. Hell, even the early morning PE class was better.

And to make matters worse, the PMS is hitting me like a truck. Scheiße. Tomorrow at the latest it begins again.

Always the same. Always the last week of the month.

I should feel proud that my body is like clockwork. And yet, what really gets on my nerves is that whenever I get near my period, I become unbearably horny. I don’t have the slightest fucking idea as to why.

I did read in the past that some particularly unhinged couples decide to ‘Sail the Red Sea’ and get down and (literally) dirty during that time of the month.

Fucking. Disgusting.

The smell alone when I check the pads is enough to override anything I might feel or think at that moment.

Yeah I could technically push things and suggest Shinji to use the.. uhmm.. back road. But no. Not this early in the relationship. I’ll just have to deal with the eventual carpal tunnel syndrome until the week is finally over.

A small shiver runs through my body.

Crap. Why the hell did I use that word.

‘Like it or not, what you have with him is a relationship of sorts. Get used to it’

Yeah, I guess..

‘Instead, think of how to keep him entertained during next week’

Mmh.. I could.. propose that other particular idea..

‘Oooh! Definite yes! Just remember..’

‘Yeah, no teeth..’ I blush at my own reminder. And in class nonetheless.

I admit it.. Ever since we began our arrangement, the crazy and impossibly dirty idea of tasting him has been on my mind. And maybe even having him taste me.

Call me horny, call me curious.. It’ll be a cold day in Hell before I give a shit. Although I could also say ‘a cold day in Tokyo-3’ all the same and it wouldn’t change. Both places probably share the same average ambient temperature.

Unfortunately, this month’s nature visit will make the ‘meal exchange’ rather one sided. Not to worry, dear myself. I will offer him a dinner worthy of the Gods after it ends.

Mmh. If I try tonight, I should remind him to wash the area of interest with more care.

Bah. No need. He already cleans himself thoroughly. Big bonus that like me he has no body hair below the neck. Probably has something to do with plugsuits. Or with our age. Or LCL. Or maybe whatever combination of the above. At least makes cleaning easier and sex much less messy.

The bell rings and finally lunch break begins. 30 minutes of relaxation before the afternoon classes.

While the students file out, a lunchbox is carefully placed in front of me. A small red and white skull sticker is on the lid. My lunchbox. Prepared by the Idiot exclusively for me. The sticker was an old thing I had laying around for a while. I slapped it on top of the lid to make it less boring.

I look up and there it is. The smile that has brightened every one of my days since the hot springs. A certain tingle makes itself known.

A smirk and a grateful nod from me. A demure but still happy one from him. And he’s off to lunch himself.

Not one minute later, I’m alone in the classroom. Hikari is probably at lunch with someone else, so I remain seated. Fuck if I care if someone passes by and sees me alone.

I open the box and get assaulted by quite possibly the most beautiful aroma imaginable.

Bacon wrapped sausages, boiled rice and a side of fresh baby carrots. Fucking scrumptious.

When I dig in, I add another notch in my mental ‘fondness bar’ that I started using specifically for the Dork.

Not ten minutes later, the box is empty. I fight the urge to lick it clean. I calmly get up from my seat and start glancing and roaming about the class. Boredom is a nasty bitch at times.

From the windows I can see the courtyard. Awkward interaction between boys and girls, some older students playing football with equally older girls giggling at the sight. 

Yeah.

Today, I can’t help but be influenced by the relatively peaceful mood around. Just a little bit.

When I turn my eyes to the back of the classroom, something piques my interest. A small, white square of paper sticking out of a desk. Uh.

When I get closer, I recognize the spot and the engravings on the top. The otaku’s desk.

I decide to pick up the small piece of paper and peek at it. Probably some note about a warship nutters convention or a picture of an anthropomorphic fighter jet in a bikini. 

Yeah. Japan is weird when it comes to fetishes.

When I turn it around and the content of the paper is finally revealed, my blood freezes.

It’s a photograph. Of me. In the change room at school. Slipping out of my uniform. Wearing only my underwear. The photograph is obviously focused on showing only my half naked form.

A mixture of pure and unbridled hatred, horror and fury boils within me. The somewhat good mood I had before is all but a distant memory.

A short silence follows while my shock abates.

“DIESES VERDAMMTE ARSCHLOCH!” Is my instantly screamed reaction.

That FUCKING PERVERT has a photo of me half naked?! 

Without even realizing it, I tear open the top of his desk, breaking one of its hinges in the process. Notebooks, pencils, a textbook and a few military pamphlets are present. But it’s the grey metal box on the bottom that catches my angry interest. I pull it out without a second thought, spilling some of the desk’s content on the floor. 

I hastily close the desk and place the box on top. No lock on it. I open it.

The sight I find inside, multiplies my earlier volatile mix of emotions to ludicrous levels.

Dozens. Dozens of fucking photos. Not just of me, but of numerous girls from school too. Photos in swimsuits, PE uniforms, underwear. Once put against the light from the windows, even the loose pieces of film show the same thing.

I check everything. Every photo. Every piece of film.

I even recognize a few girls from other classes whose names I don’t remember. He’s apparently been doing this for a long time simply considering the sheer volume of the stuff.

But I obviously am the one with the most material overall. Luckily for him, no real naked picture of me is present in either printed or undeveloped form. Otherwise I would have already curbstomped his fucking degenerate brain.

But it’s one particular photo that makes me seriously reconsider the idea. 

Hikari. In one of the school’s showers. Fully naked. It’s a side shot but still shows pretty much everything. The horror only increases at knowing that it’s the only picture showing actual nudity. I instantly flip my phone open and dial my friend.

After a few rings, she finally picks up.

“Hey Asuka! What’s up?”

“Drop whatever you're doing, grab Shinji and Suzuhara and come to the classroom. Now.”

“Oh. Okay.. but why?”

“Do. It. NOW.” I snarl furiously and hang up.

While I wait for their arrival, I find something else at the bottom of the box. A small camo pattern notebook. I read it.

Schedules of teachers, janitors and students. Prices. Locations. A list of the types of photos available for sale. Even contact information of his ‘clients’ in case he needs it.

Fucking. Disgusting.

I hear fast steps from the hallway. They’re here. Hopefully we can sort this whole clusterfuck now.

The Monkey, the Idiot and the Class Rep enter the classroom. If I had been in a happier mood, I would’ve found a joke for it.

Before I look up, one final thing written on the notebook erases whatever faith I had in humankind.

Ask Ikari for permission to plant camera in his shower. Offer payment with free footage once acquired.

Also ask Ikari if willing to provide used and/or worn underwear of both Katsuragi and Soryu. 

Offer paid supply partnership if material acquired is proven genuine upon inspection.

With wide eyes and a horrified face, I finally look at Shinji. He still has a hint of that smile when he looks at me.

I feel like the worst and cruelest human to ever live now that I have to destroy it with what I’ve found.

“Look..” Is what I whisper while gesturing at the box and its contents.

Upon looking at my findings, his smile vanishes. Hikari is wide eyed and on the verge of tears. Suzuhara is silent, but I can see his tense posture. I’ve ruined their day as well now.

After a few minutes of silent observation, Suzuhara is the first to speak up with a low and dangerous tone.

“I fucking knew it..” 

“W-what?” Hikari answers in my stead.

He sighs. “Since last August, Aida has been paying me for protection. No questions asked. The money was plenty and the job simple. Stand around the corner while he does his ‘thing’, I get paid and holler if trouble is in sights. I just fucking knew the money was way too good for the kind of job. I would never have imagined that he was doing… this kind of shit”

While thoroughly pissed by his remark, I’m still not angry at him. He was a clueless fucking idiot doing a paid favor for a friend without having the slightest idea of the context at large. In my mind, I already did forgive Shinji for being a clueless idiot himself in the first months after we met. I just might think about forgiving the Jock for being one too if he owns up and fixes this shit. After all, he already did it in the past when he punched Shinji.

“Is.. is t-that me?!” A strangled whisper from Hikari. She’s looking at the picture taken in the shower. She visibly shivers. 

A few seconds later she collapses on the floor crying. She howls in despair and horror. I feel I need to hug the pain away from her, but Suzuhara beats me to the punch.

He hugs and cradles her. In response she immediately clings to him like she’s drowning.

Take care of her, monkey. She needs you now. Keep this up and you just might start to redeem yourself.

I hastily grab everything and put it back in the box. Only the small notebook is missing. It’s in Shinji’s hands. He’s fixed on a single page. 

The one with the specific requests for him. Oh.. no..

I cautiously pry the small book from his hands and put it back in the fucking horror filled container. I then close it. No more suffering at the sights at least.

My blood runs cold again as I take in Shinji’s expression. My anger suddenly evaporates and is replaced by worry.

Lips in a thin, closed line. Brows furrowed. His shoulders are squared and his whole posture radiates tension. In fact, as a whole he seems completely unaware of anything.

But the eyes are what truly shake me.

I’ve grown so fond of them ever since meeting him.

Yet there’s none of the warmth, tenderness and care he has reserved for me. None of it. I only see pure, unhinged wrath. 

It's the look of someone a breath away from doing something that can't be taken back.

And with what we’ve seen now, it has a specific target.

Oh.. fuck.

He turns and starts to walk out of the class and into the corridor. Once out, I hear him starting to run. He hasn’t said a word during the whole development.

I hastily dump the small notebook inside, close it again and thrust the box to Suzuhara's hands. He’s still holding a sobbing Hikari. Good.

“Toji. Take the box, help Hikari and then bring it all to the principal. Am I clear?” First time I ever used his name. Should show just how serious this whole situation is.

“Crystal” A single decisive nod from him and takes the metal container. I answer in kind and then turn to run after Shinji. I can’t see him anywhere. Fuck.

Fuck. Don’t do this Shinji. Please, don’t fucking do it!

I just hope I’m not too late. The Shinji I know would never murder someone…

…Right?

Scheiße. I don’t know... I’ve never seen that look on his face, not even while fighting angels... and if he’s going to do what I fear, they will take him away.

PleasePleasePleasePleasePlease don’t let me be too late!

I keep sprinting as fast as I can. The hallways are nearly empty. Where the hell is everyone?

I stop outside in the front yard for a second. There. On the opposite of the fence on my left. About two dozen students are standing outside. Cheering and looking intently at something..

Fuck.. no.. please no..

I run back inside and head to the other part of the yard. In less than a minute, my legs finally carry me to the correct place. 

I pass through the students to get a better look and stop at the edge of a rough empty circle in the middle. 

When I take in the scene before me, I’m shocked to my core.

To my dismay, I’m too late.

Aida is on the ground, barely moving. Barely conscious.

Shinji is straddling his torso. And he’s raining punch after punch after punch on the otaku’s face. The glasses have been shattered on his face by the onslaught.

Left. Broken nose.

Right. The jaw looks dislocated.

Left. A resounding crack of bone against bone.

Right. One eye is fully closed and starts to bleed.

Please stop, Shinji… Please, stop! 

I have to act.. do something, anything to make him stop. If I don’t, he will kill him.

And he’ll be taken away. Taken away from me.

All the parts of my mind scream as one.

Never.

I cautiously walk until I’m closer and then kneel beside him.

I bring my right hand on his back. I let him know that I’m here with a simple touch.

His arms stop and flop down on his sides. His hands are still clenched tightly. The crowd instantly goes dead silent but I don’t give a shit.

I take his left hand in my own and at the same time trace a gentle caress with my right, from his back to the hand I’m holding in one smooth and gentle touch. 

He whips his head around. His wild eyes refocus on my face. He’s breathing fast, nearly hyperventilating. 

He then dips his head close to his chest, closes his eyes and starts shaking badly. I can see the wet streaks on his cheeks.

No more anger distorts his face. Now I see shame, regret and guilt. The fist I’m holding opens slowly and my right palm finally slips inside.

Another first. I’m holding his hand in public.

I don’t give a shit about what the crowd thinks.

I don’t give a shit that his hands are bloody and bruised.

The only important thing is that he stopped.

Not a word is uttered between us.

I lean forward, plant a small kiss on his cheek and rest my forehead against his temple. A tiny gesture of gratitude. He stopped in time, before he could do something way worse.

I pull him up. A small hiss of pain from him. I shift my grip to his forearm and gently start to lead him back inside. I don’t pull in the slightest. A gentle grip and he follows.

He trusts me to take him away. Away from the stares. Away from everyone but me.

I can feel the shocked eyes of our schoolmates as we walk away without looking back.

The fucks I give about them are nonexistant.

We stop at the classroom first to grab my empty lunchbox. The lockers are next. Still not a word from me or him, it almost feels as if I’m carrying around a broken puppet. Or a doll.

While I despise the idea of considering and treating Shinji as a doll, at the moment he’s in shock. I can’t do anything else but guide him and take him out of here.

Without a single word to Misato, NERV or to the rest of the school we leave for home and don’t look back. Instead of the usual 20 minutes, we make it in nearly an hour. Our pace is slow and surprisingly relaxed. I’m still leading him by his forearm.

We’re still silent when we cross the door.

I lead him to my room and sit him on the bed. I still can’t tell what’s going on in his currently troubled mind. I just know that I have to do something. I can't stand the idea of a catatonic, lifeless Shinji. Not now.

Not after I finally managed to see through the cracks of his timid and withdrawn nature.

I leave for the bathroom and search for the first aid kit under the sink, a bowl of water, soap and a towel.

Once it’s all gathered I head back to him. He hasn’t moved. Before checking his hands, I take off my uniform and rapidly change into my house attire. It doesn’t matter in the slightest that he’s in the room while I change. He’s already seen everything after all.

I then kneel in front of him and start the process of cleaning, inspecting and patching up his hands.

A couple of minutes later, the bowl is a swirling mixture of semi-transparent red liquid and bubbles and his hands are finally clean. 

Fuck. Fuck.

He’s hurt rather badly.

Small shards of glass are lodged in both hands. Cuts all over his knuckles. His right hand seems fine. Just lightly bruised apart from the cuts.

His left however..

I instantly notice the dislocated ring finger and a bigger shard of glass sticking out between his middle and index fingers.

I carefully remove each shard and wash every wound. We are still silent.

I turn to his eyes. His entire face is downward. Gently, I cup his left cheek and bring it up until we lock gazes. The same swirl of emotion from the courtyard is still there. But I can see the sliver of gratitude in the midst of it all. I offer a tiny sad smile and a nod before I refocus on the dislocated finger.

One quick movement on my part and it’s back in its proper position. He doesn’t cry out in pain.

I spend the next few minutes bandaging every square centimeter of damaged flesh I find. Once I’m done, I take his left hand in both of mine and start to gently massage it.

Nothing complicated or too specific.

A few gentle squeezes, a lazy circle around his previously dislocated joint. 

A simple, caring gesture. A tiny payback of sorts for all he has done for me so far.

No talking. No movements except my gentle massage.

Right now, I want to forget everything that happened during the day. In fact, I want to forget everything, period. Until only me and him remain. Our own little world.

It lasts until the front door opens violently some time later. A chair topples somewhere. Probably the kitchen.

“Where the fuck are you Shinji?!” A shout reaches my ears and we both look at the bedroom door.

“Where the fuck are you?!” Another scream. Something made out of glass shatters. We return our gaze to each other.

He closes his eyes and leans forward, planting a small kiss on my forehead. Then, for a few seconds, we rest our foreheads together. I can't help but blush and smile a little. 

A couple of seconds later, he lightly shakes his head.

He probably wants to face her alone.

He gets up and heads to the hallway. A moment later, another shout.

“There you are!”

The sound of a slap. Oh you did not just slap Shinji, you fucking bitch! I hastily get up and follow the sounds. In the kitchen, I find Shinji standing and holding his left cheek. Misato towers over him menacingly with her arms crossed. Yet he’s staring right through her eyes. 

I’m tempted to step in between them and defend him. But the way he acted towards me before facing Misato, makes me hesitate. She turns to me in anger and snaps her fingers at me.

“You, get in here. Now.” I hesitantly move forward and stand on Shinji’s right. Try and slap him now, cunt.

She turns and screams at Shinji again.

“What the hell is wrong with you Shinji?! Assaulting a student?! Fucking destroying his face in the middle of school?!” Ugh. I can smell her breath from here.

Cheap booze and cigarettes. She’s drunk-off-her-ass angry. Disgusting and pathetic.

“Answer me when I talk to you!” She’s shouting again.

“He had it coming.” Is his short and to the point explanation.

“He had it coming? He had it coming?! What the shit do you mean ‘he had it coming’?!”

Silence. Only the heavy panting of Misato is heard.

In a cold, firm and serious tone she continues.

“Now. You will go to the hospital and you will apologize. And maybe, just maybe, if you’re contrite enough I won’t throw you in a cell for the remainder of the year. Am I clear?”

Silence again.

“Am I clear?!” She repeats louder.

“No. I will not apologize. Not after what he did.”

“It doesn’t matter what he did, Shinji! He’s the one in the hospital for fuck’s sake! You broke his nose and jaw! His goddamn cheekbone is cracked! You nearly blinded him!” I can see his right hand clenching and unclenching repeatedly. He’s nervous.

“Do you know what he did?” He calmly asks.

“What does it mat-”

“Do you want to know what he did?” A bit more forceful now.

An angry sigh escapes Misato’s lips.

“Alright. Out with it. It still won’t change what you did.”

“He took half naked pictures of girls at school.”

“Wha-”

“And sold them for profit. And to top it all off?!” He pauses for a moment.

“He wanted to put a damn camera in our bathroom and wanted me to get him both Asuka’s and your underwear!”

Again, silence. This time it stretches out a bit longer. I definitely notice the horrified shock in her eyes. Congratulations Misato. You let a degenerate asshole into your house on multiple occasions.

“Fuck... I mean…” A sigh.

“Fuuck..” She breathes out. At least she deflated a little.

“Ok… Yes, he’s a creep, a degenerate, a perverted voyeur and probably a future sex predator in the making. But it still doesn’t change a thing. You put him in the hospital. You forced him to eat through a straw for the next month or so. It does not justify your actions! You are a pilot, a soldier! Act like it!”

“I’m not a soldier Misato! I didn’t know anything about angels or Evangelions until I came here!” Wait, I didn’t know that. Where were you holed up before?!

“You’ve been one ever since! For once, own up to your mistakes and take responsibility!” She’s screaming again.

“My responsibilities?! What about yours?! You don’t do anything around the house except drinking! You barely take care of us!” Whoops, Shinji’s getting pissed now.

“Barely take care of you?! I gave you a goddamn roof over your head, you ungrateful brat!” She snarls and points at him.

“And I am grateful for that! But it still doesn’t mean that I have to be your damn slave every day and then carry you to the bed when you’re too drunk to even walk!” Damn! By his tone one might assume that he was holding this stuff back for quite a while.

Silence follows once more. Now they're both panting from all the shouting.

She turns to me.

“Anything to say about that, Asuka?” Her cold, serious tone again.

“Oh I’m not getting into this argument. This is between the two of you.” I stretch the truth. It’s not that I don't want to get between them, I won’t allow myself to do so. If I do, uglier things could get out and I might get caught in the crossfire.

I walk around them towards the fridge. Might get a soda. Yeah, definitely that. It’ll keep my mouth occupied and prevent it from running wild. 

While the silent staring contest between my roommates continues, I open the fridge and grab an orange soda can. Fanta, of course. Germany for the win. Might have to thank Shinji later for finding a few cans for me. 

That is, if he survives the argument.

“Very well then, Pilot Ikari. Is this your final answer?” Scheiße. She’s in officer mode now.

“It is, Captain Katsuragi.” Fuck!

“Alright then.” She strides to her room. While I silently sip from my can, a cold ball of worry settles in my gut.

I have no idea what she’s going to do. 

If she locks him up, they’ll only take him out to pilot. No more Shinji around the house. Not ideal.

If she locks him in his room, Shinji will stay. But no more naughty stuff and no more sleeping together. Probably for a long time. Not ideal either.

If the worst happens and she actually sends him away from the city, no more Shinji. Permanently.

Fuck. Shit. 

FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuck

While I ruminate on how to keep him around, she comes back to the kitchen with something in her hand.

She calmly places said object on the table. A keycard. What?

“This is the key for the apartment above this one. Pack up your stuff, take the keycard and get out.”

“What?” His tone reflects both his and my shock.

“When you arrived here you wanted to live alone, no? This is your chance. Since you made it quite clear that you despise your current living situation, I, your graceful slaver, am giving you the freedom and independence you so desire.” Her voice might seem simply calm, but it oozes venom and contempt. If she had spoken to me in the same way, I would have seriously considered dropkicking her in her face. Impressive how Shinji is still calm.

“By the way, expect Section-2 agents at your door at any point between today and tomorrow morning. You’re on house arrest until further notice. You won’t go to school. You won’t be allowed to talk to anyone without authorization. The only way to be allowed outside, is if you’re called in to pilot Unit-01.”

“Move it!” She points at his bedroom. 

It’s involuntary, really. But after ten years of paramilitary training being drilled into my mind, I need to actually focus on not snapping a salute and a ‘Yes ma'am’.

He doesn’t say another word. Simply turns and heads towards his now ex-room. I throw a quick glance at Misato, shrug then head to my room.

“Oh and don’t try to pull the same shit as him in the future, young lady. Am I clear?” Oh. I guess she’s talking to me now.

I turn halfway to her and offer a small nod. I resume my walking. When I turn to the hallway between my room and the I-guess-is-a-closet-again-now, I see Shinji standing in front of my door. A small notebook in his hands. 

No, wait. Not just any notebook. Our notebook. The one with our ‘rules’.

He offers it to me and I instinctively take it. He then leans in to speak in my ear. 

“Keep it, I won’t forget a single word of it anyway. I hope you have a good night Asuka” A very low whisper on his part. He tenderly holds his cheek against mine for a few seconds. I instinctively close my eyes and lean into it.

When he leans back, he squeezes my hand holding the small book and plants a small kiss on my cheek. The smile on his face is extremely brittle and forlorn.

He then finally goes and starts packing up.

Shit. Fuck. How the hell do I respond to that?!

Without thinking I retreat to my room and slide the door to close it, the notebook still held tightly in my hand.

I place the half finished can on my dresser and sit on the bed. I hug the book. Almost as if I want to extract whatever warmth remains that he imprinted on it. My eyes and my chest feel funny.

I stay still for a good 15 minutes. I don’t make a sound. I don’t move a muscle. I forcibly keep my mind empty.

Another 10 minutes later, I hear rustling and steps. Shinji’s leaving.

The front door opens. Not a word is heard. 

The door closes. Shinji has left the apartment. For good.

A cold ball of something takes form in my chest.

What… 

What do I do?

I bring up my knees. I hug the book even tighter.

What do I do?

I collapse on my back, knees still close to my chest.

What do I do?

I roll to rest on my left side. I curl up even more.

What do I do?

I stay still. I’m afraid.

What do I do?

I reach out a hand and place it on his side of the bed. It somehow feels warm.

…

…

What do I do?

…

…

I finally do something.

I hug the book near my heart and close my eyes.

…

I finally do something.

Something I haven’t done since Mama died.

…

I cry.

Chapter Text

Cold.

…

Uncomfortable.

…

Alone.

…

My brain slowly boots up.

I crack open my eyes. They itch. So I close them again.

I’m still on my left side, hugging our notebook. The cold ball of something is still in my chest, it simply feels less debilitating now.

Shinji’s gone from the apartment. No.

Misato kicked him out of the apartment. Just because he made a choice and stood his ground. 

All because he.. defended my honor? Defended Hikari’s honor? Decided that beating up his now ex-friend was the right thing to do after what we found?

I don’t have the slightest idea.

I just know that I’m angry.

Angry at the fucking degenerate asshole Aida. Of all the things he could’ve done, he decided to take nonconsensual photos of half naked girls and sell them.

Angry at Shinji for giving into his rage, smashing the little fuck’s skull and then getting himself kicked out and on house arrest for it.

Angry at the fucking drunk for hurting and kicking out the only person that gives two shits about me. For forcing me to return to an empty house and a cold bed for the foreseeable future.

Angry at myself for not intervening during the fight with Misato… for not stopping the fight at school… for breaking the promise I made myself ten years ago…

Yet, sadness still creeps in.

Sadness at seeing Hikari get violated by Aida.

Sadness at being violated myself by the little pervert currently in the hospital.

Sadness that apparently Misato cares so little that she’s willing to kick Shinji out and leave me miserable.

Sadness because…

Fuck… I already miss him.

I’m already missing his gentle touch. His safe embrace, that without a word reassures me that I’m not alone and that I’m safe.

I sigh a little. I open my eyes once more.

I’m staring at the wall. The wall that until last night separated my room from his. 

I crane my head to look at the alarm clock. 

May 24th 2015 22:17

Fuck

I slept for nearly a full 8 hours. And I am still exhausted.

I look at the room around me. A bit messy, but still tidy and relatively clean. Possibly the only room in the apartment that does not reek of beer. All my possessions are here. 

Every piece of clothing. Every knick-knack I own. Some have monetary value. Others sentimental.

Gifts and presents I have received over time. And yet…

I look at my arms and the book they are carefully embracing.

The only important object is currently in my hold.

They could steal anything in this room. Even the fucking sync clips in my hair and the emergency plugsuit in the closet. It can all be replaced if needed.

But our notebook?

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to detach myself from it.

I reluctantly sit up, the notebook still close to me.

I don't want it found. It’s private.

No.

It’s intimate. Only for my eyes and Shinji’s. Just like we wrote on the first page.

Only between us.

But the Dork is still not here. He won’t be until Misato’s hissy-fit ends.

So let’s make a compromise. Hide it. But where?

Has to be here, otherwise my remaining roommate might find it and start asking questions. Questions I’m not sure I can lie my way out of.

Under the bed? No. Dusty and already cramped.

Under the mattress? No. It might get squashed.

Under the pillow? No. Squashed again.

In one of my moving boxes? No. I might forget the correct one.

So where..

I look around again. Of course.

My underwear drawer. Close enough to my bed, protected against damage and definitely private. If it’s enough for my.. uhmm.. special equipment, it definitely is for the notebook.

I rise up from the bed and walk to the dresser. Top drawer. I dig around a little and lay it down. I still can’t take my eyes off of it.

I huff and close the drawer before I give in and take it out again.

Ok. What now?

My stomach protests. Right. I missed dinner.

As I walk around the bed, I nearly bump in the bowl of bloody water from earlier. The one I used to clean Shinji’s hands.

My eyes itch again. A low growl escapes my throat. 

I bend down and pick it up. Crap. The rest of the stuff. Eh. Two trips.

I open the door with my foot. No light is on. I growl again.

Trying not to trip on anything, I manage to get to the bathroom. I dump the contents in the toilet, flush and place the bowl in the bathtub. Misato can sort it out by herself.

I walk into my room again and grab the remaining objects.

Once everything is back in its place in the bathroom, I finally make my way to the kitchen. The only sounds are the low hums from our fridge and Pen-Pen’s special one.

I walk to the humans’ fridge and try to find something that peaks my interest. Some vegetables in a bowl, a couple packets of turkey sausages, a few soda cans, a pack of nearly expired shrimps..

I huff. Nothing of particular interest. Everything would require me to take out pans or pots. 

A sealed plastic box on the bottom shelf draws my eyes. I pick it up.

The label on top has my name written on it. Oh.

Is it… is it for me?

I close the fridge, turn on the light and carefully open the box.

Two halves of a ham and cheese sandwich, one big green apple and a cupcake. Tomorrow’s lunch.

Prepared for me by Sh-

My eyes itch again.

Why the fuck even thinking about him makes me react like this?!

‘You said so yourself earlier. You miss him’

Me and my stomach growl at the same time. And I make a decision.

Tonight’s original plan was to taste him. A meal not made by his hands.

Instead, I might as well do the closest similar thing.

Taste a meal made by his hands.

If I had been in a more jovial mood, I might have laughed at my own wordplay. Not tonight.

I carefully put everything on a plate and sit at the table.

In a few minutes, the plate is empty. Just like my bed.

The last meal Shinji made for me.

My eyes itch once more. 

I put my head in my hands and scratch at those bothersome eyes of mine. They keep itching.

My shoulders start to shake. I can’t stop now.

A sob makes its way out. Then another. Then another.

A few drops of clear liquid splash on the empty plate.

It’s happening.

I’m breaking my promise again. For the second time in less than 8 hours.

I’m crying again.

… 

Why am I crying…

Why am I crying?!

WHY THE FUCK AM I CRYING?!

…

It’s because I’m just a little girl that misses her Mama, right?

…

It’s because I’m alone and weak, right?

…

It’s because I’m scared to fall asleep alone, right?

…

It’s because of him, right?

…

Right?!

…

Right?!

…

No. It’s not.

Not because of him. He never made me cry.

It’s for him that I cry.

He’s alone. Just like me.

He’s scared. Just like me.

He’s now in a cold, lonely bed. Just like my own will be from now on.

…

No.

That won’t fucking do.

I want to do something. I need to do something. Anything.

Anything to see him again.

I take a quick glance at the clock on the wall. 23:00

I can do something.

I rapidly head for my room and grab my keycard. I then move to the front door.

Once my shoes are on, I turn off the light and open the door.

I step out and the door closes behind me.

I open the outer door and close it hastily. The stairs are close fortunately. So I head up. 

I don’t know what I’ll do once I’m inside his new apartment.

But rest assured, I will at least spend the night there. The rest I’ll figure out in the morning. I’m a gottverdammt pilot after all. I’m supposed to make last minute decisions that can mean the difference between success and failure. Life and death.

Sneaking out of his apartment once Section-2 shows up should be a piece of cake.

The universe hates me. The agents are already at his door.

Both in their usual black suits. What surprises me are the assault carbines in their grasp instead of the usual handguns and tasers. Mh. At least security for him is tight. All I have is my own skills and a drunk guardian with a handgun.

The moment I close in, they point their rifles at me. Yet I don’t flinch. 

These guys have no idea what I already faced in the past.

“State your name and business” One of them barks. I cross my arms.

“It’s Pilot Soryu. I came here to talk to Pilot Ikari, but I guess I’m not allowed, right?”

“Affirmative. All visitors must be authorized by Captain Katsuragi or one of her superiors.”

Great. Just fucking great.

“Unless you have other business, please clear the premises Pilot Soryu.”

I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

“Tomorrow morning I’ll bring him breakfast. Is that allowed?” I ask with thinly veiled sarcasm.

“All items brought forth will have to be checked for security reasons. Otherwise, it is allowed.”

“Good.” I turn and head back down the stairs.

Once at the door, I lean against it and then slowly slide down to the floor.

One bad development. One good.

No authorized visitors, just like Misato said. I will not ask permission from her to see him. Too many questions.

But at least I’m allowed to bring him stuff, provided the guards check it first. Mmh. Might be able to do something with it.

I sigh in bitter relief. While I’m happy that I can have some measure of contact with him, I’ll definitely have to shake the rust off of my cooking skills.

Eh. Whatever. If a meal by me brings him the same manner of comfort the way his brought me, we might just be fine. And when his house arrest is finally over, we’ll be able to sleep in each other's arms again.

I eagerly look forward to that moment.

7:15 the stupid clock says. If I don’t move my ass, I will be late.

For both school and my special delivery.

But what the fuck do I write?!

When I woke up this morning, I still felt cold. But I had a purpose. Prepare breakfast for the Third and somehow communicate with him without alerting Captain Alcohol and the guards.

Since he doesn’t have to clean up the apartment and he doesn’t have to go to school, he’ll probably wake up later. 

That was my reasoning at least..

But if I keep wasting time by remembering the morning instead of thinking about what to say to him, the plan goes *poof*.

The toasted bread is prepared. The salad is dressed and ready to leave him impressed. The sealed plastic cup with his tea is hot and ready. Everything will be delivered in my spare lunchbox.

The message will be hidden well enough between the slices of bread. Hopefully he won’t bite it while eating.

Well, let’s start simple.

“Guten morgen Dummy! First things first.

The guard dogs at your front door check everything so try and improvise something to communicate with me.

I made you breakfast. Hope you’re able to appreciate my effort.”

There. Should suffice.

I carefully fold and place the small paper between the second and third slices of bread. It’s not a hint or something. It’s not meant to symbolize me, him and our notebook. Not in the slightest. Absolutely not.

After placing everything in the lunchbox, I close the lid and seal it. 7:25

Still on time.

Misato still hasn’t shown any signs of life apart from her trademark snoring. Good.

I make my way to the door, open it and start walking.

Only to realize I’m not wearing shoes. Scheiße.

I re-open the door, slip in my shoes and check that they’re actually on my feet and finally exit again.

My rapid walking to the upper floor is not related to my nervousness. Definitely not.

At his door I’m once again facing the agents. They seem less jittery than last night.

“Pilot Soryu. State your business.”

“As per agreement, I have his breakfast here.”

“Please open the box, Miss.”

I open it before his eyes. He takes a rather attentive glance at it. My rapidly increasing heartbeat is not related to this.

“Please open the cup”

I open the cup too. Ok, the hammering heartbeat is related.

Another attentive glance.

“Everything seems to be in order. Please close the container and hand it over.” He calmly says while extending a hand.

I close up everything and hand it over. I’m now trembling, great.

After the guard takes the lunchbox, the door opens and he walks inside. I’m actually tempted to follow him, consequences be damned.

But I don’t think Shinji will appreciate a bullet wound the next time he appreciates my breasts. Nope. Stop. Don’t think about it.

A minute later the same guard returns.

“The item has been delivered. If your business is done, you may leave.”

“It is. I will be back this afternoon to retrieve the empty box if I’ll be allowed.” I truly hope they allow me. At least it would give me a way to communicate with Shinji.

“You may retrieve it upon your return. Have a good day Miss.” A small nod from the guard.

After a nod from me, I finally turn around and head to school. My wrist watch says it’s time to move my ass.

Or at least that’s how I interpret 7:33

The walk to school is boring. Really boring. No one to talk to. No one to joke with. 

I sigh. No Shinji.

With reluctance, I head to a nearby convenience store and buy the first bento that doesn’t look radioactive enough to make me sprout additional limbs.

After the usual 20 minutes, the open gates are in sight. I walk through. Not 30 meters from here, on the other side of the courtyard fence, I stopped Shinji yesterday. I held his hand. I led him out to the safety of our apartment.

I sigh again while trudging up the front entrance. 

Right. No longer our apartment. It’s back to being Misato’s. Without him, it’s just four walls, a roof and a sentient penguin.

After a quick look around, the hallways seem strange.

Everyone looks jittery and on edge.

The bigass alerts on the bulletin boards bring much needed clarity.

A heinous act was discovered on school grounds on the 24th of May 2015.

Student Aida Kensuke is held responsible and has been expelled on grounds of sexual harassment and procurement and distribution of nonconsensual pornographic material to the detriment of some female students of this very school.

All related evidence found in Aida’s belongings has been seized and handed over to the proper authorities.

Anyone in possession of such evidence is to bring it to the school principal.

For the time being, all male students are held liable and will face punishment if any evidence is found in their possession.

Damn. They did go all out with it.

But.. uhmm.. no reference to how he has been beaten up in front of two dozen students.

Eh. All the better. At least there’s no mention of Shinji. They might still look at him weird from now on though.

As I reach the locker to change in my indoor slippers, there’s a noticeable lack of Hikari. Poor girl. Probably got traumatized enough, better if she stays home for a couple of days.

As I enter the classroom, everyone is talking in small groups with hushed voices.

Alone at his desk, Suzuhara turns to me and offers a small nod. I answer in kind.

The rest of the morning is like always. Talks of life before Second Impact. Then even more talks of life before Second Impact until lunchtime.

When the lunch bell rings, everyone files out. I remain alone once more. There’s no lunchbox with a sticker in front of me. My eyes start to itch.

No. No. Not here. Not now.

If I really have to, at home. In my bed.

While holding tightly to our notebook.

A chair moves beside me and a lunchbox is placed on the desk next to mine. When I turn to glare at the intruder, I face the strange sight of a calm and quiet Suzuhara.

No words are spoken as he opens his box and starts eating. I do the same with my own.

Between bites, he speaks up.

“Yo Red.”

"Not exactly in the mood to talk” I answer. I really don’t want to talk. 

I tentatively hold in front of my face what looks like a fried shrimp and take a bite from it.

Gott this is nasty.

“Fair. Just… How’s Shin-man?”

“Alone. Probably bored out of his ass at his apartment.”

“His apartment? Don’t you guys live together or something?”

“We did. Misato has kicked him out for what happened yesterday.”

“Damn. Really thought she would simply hug him and tell him that everything’s goin’ to be ok.”

“Well, it didn’t happen. She was volatile and drunk. After I patched him up, she showed up and started screaming. After a few minutes of shouting at each other, he was no longer my roommate.”

“What happened after I ran to stop Shinji?” I ask. It’s the only missing piece of the story on my part.

“Well, I walked Hikari to the bathroom. She stayed in for a few minutes. Shit, I can still hear her cry y’know? After she came out, we went to the principal with the box you found and told her everything. Even the part I had in all of it. Got punished for not reporting it earlier and keeping it quiet. Got my basketball scholarship canceled and I’m on probation until the end of the year. On top of it, I got clean up duty by myself for the next.. what.. 6 months?”

“Once I got home, my dad screamed like never before. Said I dishonored the Suzuhara name by associating with people like Aida and wanted to slap me for losing my scholarship. In the end, he grounded me for an entire month. Little Sakura cried all night, asking why I would ever help in doing stuff like that. She might be young, but she did understand that what me and Ken were doing was wrong. It made me feel like a right shit.”

“And they are all right, aren’t they? I kept it hidden, even if I didn’t take or sell those pics. I helped.”

He pauses for a breath. And a bite.

“I always knew Ken had a passion for photography and filming stuff. Always that damn camera with him, ready to snap a picture of something that caught his eye. He was excited when we started high school, y’know? Said he wanted to be either a reporter or military pilot. Due to his eyes, the pilot thing was obviously out, even he knew that.” 

Another small pause with a bite.

“He decided that being a war reporter would be in his future. Then he pulls off shit like this. Almost makes me wonder if I ever truly knew him at all, y’know?”

He suddenly turns to me and his eyes widen a little.

“Oh shit. Sorry. Had to vent and you were not talking and y’know…” He gesticulates a little with his hands. Heh. Truly a monkey indeed.

“Anyway.. what’s the deal with you and Shin-man? Finally went sweet on him?” He grins a little.

“Please, don’t tell me you got already infected by Hikari’s whole ‘Eva pilots in love’ trope.”

“I ain’t sayin’ that Red. Just sayin’ that you’re definitely lookin’ at him more and treating him more like a human rather than a personal punchbag.”

I sigh. Right. He doesn’t know what happened at Mt. Asama. “Remember when you guys went to Okinawa and we pilots had to stay?” He nods while chewing.

“Well, an angel was here not long after you left. Inside a volcano no less. I was the one sent to kill it and Shinji was my backup. After I beat the angel, the whole crane thing holding me gave up and I started to plunge down to my death.

And guess what? Shinji saved my life. He grabbed my EVA and pulled me out. After that, I thanked him and made myself a vow to be more friendly around him. That’s about as much as I can tell you without dipping into classified stuff.”

Silence.

“Damn... I mean... Holy shit...” He shakes his head.

“Really must have shook ya if you decided to be nicer to him.”

“It actually did, you know? At least enough to make me realize that I can trust him.” He answers with a firm nod.

We spend the next few minutes in silence. A question suddenly pops into my head.

“How was he before I came here to Japan?”

“Mmh. Quiet kid. Didn’t talk to anyone. On his first days we wouldn’t even notice he was here y’know? After it came out that he was a pilot, pretty much everyone hounded him to no end.”

“You know what happened to my sis, sight?” I nod.

“Well, at first I instantly blamed him. Said he was responsible for her breaking every bone in her legs. So I punched him at the first chance I had. The same day, another angel attacked and me and Aida snuck out of the shelter to see it up close. Creepy stuff.” 

“And there he was. All mighty in his purple robot. Tryin’ to risk his own ass to save ours. After a couple of minutes he landed not 20 meters from us. Was ordered to pick us up and keep us safe inside the robot. Still can’t forget the face he had.”

“He was somehow pissed and sad at the same time. Shit. It almost felt like… he wasn’t there, y’know? Kept mumblin’ something about ‘pulling the switch’.” 

“By the way, you eatin’ that?” He gestures at my half eaten lunch. I roll my eyes but still hand him the box.

Ugh. No wonder I’ve heard him being called ‘The Stomach’.

“Where was I? Ah yeah. After the fight, we were interrogated and checked out by a medic. No sign of him though. Heard he was reamed out for disobeying orders or something. The next day I went to see little Sakura. When I told her that I met the pilot that broke her legs and punched him for what he did, she slapped me. Called me an idiot and told me to apologize. Heh. You’d certainly like her. She said that it wasn’t his fault she was there. That the alien was to blame and if he wasn’t there at all she would have died.”

“Made me understand at least. But Shinji wasn’t at school the next few days and I didn’t have the guts to call him. Apparently ran away or somethin’. Ken found him in the fields while camping and kept him company until those men in black from NERV came to fetch him. The day after, he was at the train station ready to go back to his old house or whatever. We managed to meet him before he went and I asked him to punch me. You know, for being an insensitive idiot and assuming stuff. He did. We got square right then and there.”

“But then, they dragged him away. He screamed the whole time, calling himself a coward and that he deserved to be punched.”

“Next morning I thought he was gone for good. When he walked in the classroom we didn’t say anything. And then everything's history as they say. Been friends ever since. We hung out pretty much anytime we were free. At school we ate together and talked. Though I admit, part of why we hung out with him was because he lived with Misato.” He lets out a low chuckle.

“Y’know.. At first I thought he had a thing for Ayanami with how he looked at her.”

I raise an eyebrow. Something builds up in my chest.

“Turns out he was just curious as to why she was constantly alone and distracted here at school and at NERV. Definitely looks at you more than her nowadays, that’s for sure.” Another small chuckle from him.

The bell rings. Lunchtime over. Uh. Strangely civil and friendly for a monkey.

He raises from his seat and throws away the three empty boxes he ate from. Goddamn, how much does he eat?!

“Nice talkin’ Red, and thanks for letting me vent before. Good to know you can tone down the demon once in a while.”

“Good to know you can tone down the monkey once in a while.”

He chuckles and shakes his head while going back to his desk and the other classmates start to come back.

The rest of school was more than boring. At least I should give some credit to the Jock. He actually managed to keep my mood afloat.

The walk to the apartment is just as lonely as in the morning. I should call Hikari soon. At least to know if she’s okay.

Once the apartment building is in sight, a reminder pops up in my brain. I have to retrieve the lunchbox from Shinji’s guard dogs.

I take the elevator and punch in his floor on the button board. During the ride, I try to steady my nerves with long, calm breaths.

They didn’t find the message. Otherwise I would have been shot or arrested in the morning. So that’s not why I’m nervous.

Ah.

I know.

I’m nervous because I don’t know if the Idiot liked the breakfast I made him. I don’t know if my message got through.

Not even aware of it, I’m now in front of the guards. Uh. My legs at least still work.

“Pilot Soryu. State your business.”

“I’m here to retrieve the lunchbox I brought this morning.”

“Understood. Wait here.” He walks inside.

Two minutes later he returns, box in hand.

“Here. We also have an authorized message to relay on behalf of Pilot Ikari.” Oh. That’s interesting.

“He wishes for you to come by every morning to retrieve the lunch he prepares. He specified 7:30 as the time of delivery.”

“Alright. Tell him it’s ok. Bye.” Calm down, Soryu. Do not freak out.

I receive a simple nod in return and then I head to the apartment. 

Once inside, in a calm and collected manner, I take off my shoes, put the box on the kitchen counter, disrobe in my room, grab fresh clothes, put the laundry in its basket and head for a shower.

Not 30 seconds after the warm water finally hits my shoulders…

I freak out.

HolyShitHolyShitHolyShitHolyShit

It worked! It fucking worked! I delivered a message, it was apparently received and he will cook me lunch tomorrow.

Fuck. Yes.

For the first time since morning, my mood is finally bright. 

Bright enough to make a certain tingle show up just at the thought of the Third. 

…

Fuck it. I haven’t done it in a while anyway.

…

A fantasy takes form. 

I’m in the shower but he’s with me. We’re alone and no one will interrupt.

I slowly bring up my hands to my abdomen.

His hands are holding me at my stomach. Tightly, safely. I’m flush against his body and his palms are warm. My hands cover his in a tender embrace. I can feel him poking between my legs. He starts exploring and warmth beyond any other spreads through all of me.

My hands now are his hands. Abdomen, upper arms, shoulders.. 

He touches every part of me. My skin feels electric under his touch. His left hand trails up my side and starts massaging and pinching my peaks. I’m past being ready by now. I bring up my own hand to cover his, to feel him more. His right hand moves down with a tender caress. First, the abdomen. Next, the navel. My hips follow. Then, the object of his desire. Something only for him.

…

What? Why did I think that?!

‘Keep going you bastard! Pleasure now, think later!’

…

He starts rubbing gently. I’m already moaning. I close my eyes, lost in the pleasure. Every nerve in my body feels alive. Every one of his movements is like fire. But the burning I feel is not pain. With him, it never will be.

He brings his lips to my neck. Nibbling. Kissing. Suckling. My right hand is now in his hair. Pulling. Grasping. Inciting him to not stop. To never stop.

I’m gasping for air as I get louder and louder. He gently rocks his hips back and forth. He starts to grind himself on me. I repeat his name over and over. I need him to finish too. 

I bring my left hand underneath him. It’s incredibly warm. He softly moans and rocks his hips more.

While gasping each other’s name, we explode together. My left hand is still under him and is now covered in the hot proof of his desire for me. I lean my head against his shoulder while aftershocks still run through both of us.

I turn my head and finally look into his eyes. Those beautiful orbs that remind me of a stormy sea. There’s desire and lust in them. No pity. No disgust.

But there’s also care. Longing. Affection. I make a decision. I close the distance and gingerly bring my lips to his. The kiss is hungry. It burns. It expresses everything I can’t put into words.

…

I bite on my own forearm and lean against the tiled wall as my orgasm finally peaks. I gasp for breath, I’m shaking.

Holy motherfucking fuck!

Did I..

Did I just fucking cum to the thought of kissing him?!

‘You sure did, you dirty, dirty girl.’ Shut up.

I sigh to myself. Well, regardless, it was a damn good orgasm.

After another 10 minutes, I finally get out of the shower.

Refreshed. Clean. And at least somewhat satisfied.

Once clothed in my house attire, I head for the kitchen. The box I brought him this morning is still there.

Alright. Let’s see if he left something for me.

I open the metal box and start rummaging. 

Inside the lunchbox? Empty.

The lid? Nope.

Under the box? Nothing either.

I huff in disappointment. Maybe he couldn’t find a way.

As I pick it up to wash it, something moves. Hold up.

I recheck everything. This time, during my search, I cautiously shake it every now and then. 

The box is now fully empty. The lid, the separators for the food and even the included plastic cup are out. Yet there still seems to be something moving inside with every movement I make.

Wait. Does this thing have a double bottom?

I carefully leverage inside with a fork I found on the counter.

A-ha! It opens! 

I find a note inside. Good one! You may still act like an idiot Third, but maybe you’re not one. Tomorrow I’ll definitely use the same place he did. Or maybe just make toast again. Don’t know. Let’s read this!

Hi Asuka! Smart move using the lunchbox to talk. 

Of course it is! I’m a genius after all.

I nearly bit off the note you made. Luckily it slipped out before I could put it in my mouth. Sorry.

Idiot! I knew you would bite it off!

The agents should have already told you that I’ll keep making you lunches even if I can’t get out. And yes! I really liked breakfast!

The toast was perfect and the salad was great. The tea was delightful! 

He.. he liked it? He really liked it? He liked my food?!

Let’s… Let’s keep reading…

For tomorrow morning, if you still want to, use the double bottom to hide the note. I don’t want to nearly bite off any more messages from you. Haha.

Ok, yes. I’m an Idiot. You’re right in calling me that. So, yeah! I guess let’s try to talk this way until I have my freedom again. Oh and don’t worry. I’m not bored. At least not now anyway. 

Have a good rest of the day!

Shinji ‘Idiot’ Ikari

…

Idiot!

Idiot! 

He called himself an Idiot!

For the next ten minutes, I laugh my ass off each time I glance again at his signature. To the point that I wake up Pen-Pen and he looks at me weird.

Once I finally get my breathing under control, I start to wash the lunchbox. Easy thing. Some soap, some rinsing and then drying.

After putting it back together after the wash, I head to my room. Box and note in my hold.

The lunchbox, of course, goes back on top of the cardboard box I found it in. Easy to see in the morning.

And the note? Mmh. Needs a safe place. No way I’m throwing out the first writing where the Idiot calls himself as such.

Well, I could put it in the notebook. Eh. Risk of sliding out of it if I want to peruse it.

So I search for my photo album. And I find it under the bed. 

Inside the album, a photo of a 9 year old me in front of a not-yet-painted piece of armor from my beloved Unit-02. A 5 year old me near my first guardian, some dull woman whose name I never bothered to remember after she left. Other assorted photos of me with my past guardians. The last pages are filled with some random pics of me and Misato or me and Kaji over the last 5 years. I can still remember that on each and every occasion I plastered the biggest smile I could. 

Just a façade.

Me at 9 years old with the armor piece from Unit-02? That day they made me train for four hours in jiu-jitsu and then pushed me on a treadmill for a good hour more to monitor my vitals. The picture was taken after the treadmill session. I was tired, sweaty and had bruises all over.

Yet, I still smiled.

The picture with my first guardian? Taken not two days before she was replaced by another.

Yet, I still smiled.

One of the pictures with Misato? Me and her at a Wiener House. The night before she got so drunk that she vomited all over my clothes and proceeded to pass out in my bed. I was at EuroNERV for firearm training. That night was smooth bore rifle drills.

The morning after, I came home to a passed out guardian and puked clothes. The picture was taken at lunch the same day with a fully hungover Misato.

Yet, I still smiled.

One of the ones with Kaji? Me and him at a park, the day after my 12th birthday. We were returning from a ride in bumper cars. The night before my birthday he went out and didn't come back until morning. He spent the whole day after doing who knows what. I spent my birthday alone in my room, nearly crying. No party. No gifts. No one to wish me a happy birthday. No one to hold me close and reassure me that the next year would be better than the previous. He brought me to ride bumper cars the next day to ‘compensate’ for his absence and forgetfulness. It didn’t work.

Yet, I still smiled.

Empty gestures. Fake smiles. A mask I’ve been wearing for the last 10 years to delude others and myself.

But what’s really behind it all?

Pain. 

Loneliness. 

Insecurity. 

A wish to make it stop hurting.

A wish to go back in time to try and fix it.

Regret at not letting my Mama kill me when she tried to. 

At least it would’ve stopped the pain and hurt of being alone in a world that doesn’t want me unless I suffer.

…

I look at the note. 

…

No.

…

In this world, someone wants me around.

I pop open all the occupied photo holders.

In this world, someone cares if I get hurt.

I dump all the photographs on the ground.

In this world, someone sees me as something more than I am.

I place the note on the first page, in the first holder.

In this world, someone likes me.

I close the album and hold it close to my chest.

In this world, there’s Shinji.

My eyes itch again. But they don't burn this time.

My shoulders shake a little. Yet, they feel lighter.

I’m crying again.

But this time.. this time it doesn’t hurt.

…

How are you able to do this to me, Dummy?

It’s the end of the first week of June. Nearly two weeks have passed. The days went by rather quickly at least.

The routine has been the same every day.

Wake up. Wash up. Make my own breakfast. Make the Idiot’s breakfast. Write something for him. Deliver it to his door. Get the lunch he made for me. School. 

Read his ‘happy lunch!’ message left in the lunchbox. Eat the lunch Shinji made for me. More boring school. Go back to his door. Exchange the lunchboxes. Home. 

Do my own laundry. Wash up. Pass the time until dinner. Make said dinner. Feed the bird.

And of course, read his answer to my morning message before going to sleep. It helps in keeping me calm. And it helps a lot with nightmares. They still show up sometime, but they’re less intense. Almost dampened simply by reading a small message.

I kept every note he wrote me and put it in my album. I like to think he’s doing something similar. 

We talk about our day and whatnots. He’s still not bored apparently. Of course, we don’t mention our ‘arrangement’. No need to get horny for each other without a chance at scratching that itch the proper way. The other things we don’t mention are the reasons he’s not currently at school.

On that front, I managed to get some info from some gossip that floats around in class. Apparently Aida recovered enough to go back home. For very little time as far as I know. His father was fired by NERV and they both were forced to transfer somewhere North. Don’t know. Don’t care in the slightest.

I’m just relieved that he can’t bother any of us anymore and that I can finally put all this thing behind me. Probably most of the girls at school share my sentiment. Especially Hikari.

She returned to school 4 days after the ‘accident’. From what she told me over the phone and during the single time I visited her personally, she spent most of her time at home with her sisters. I’m glad she’s recovering. Even though in class she’s being way more authoritative now, it’s good to have a friend back. 

She unfortunately flinches every time a boy moves. I guess she still feels violated by the whole affair and tries to put a strong mask on. It’s subtle, but I can see it.

I unfortunately know all too well about façades, even if the underlying motivation was different in my case.

On the Misato front, things are not good. She’s drunk pretty much every night now. She also started smoking in the house. Like the ever present stench of beer wasn’t enough. Disgusting.

The ‘big sister’ approach is noticeably forced now. She still hasn’t talked to Shinji once since the big fight, and it doesn’t look like she’s gonna let him back in the apartment. Not the best situation, but me and the Third still make do.

Over the days, I cleaned up after myself. And only after myself. I’m not a verdammt maid. Yeah I know. I sound like a hypocrite. I did kinda force Shinji to clean up after me with not-so-kind words. But hey! At least I still tried to make the least mess possible. 

But Misato? She doesn’t do shit. Leaves her dirty dishes and her empty cans around the kitchen, leaves dirty clothes lying around and doesn’t even look after her own pet for fuck’s sake! The apartment now looks similar to a garbage pile rather than a place to live in. Oh and the smell.

Fucking hell the smell. When I started living here, her room simply reeked of old beer and stale air. Sometimes the stench would improve when Shinji would find the courage to clean it.

Now? Now it smells like a pig that first got sweaty and then decided to decompose while bathing in cheap alcohol. I can’t describe it in another way. The few times I passed by her doorway I almost threw up. No joke, it would probably improve the stench of whatever crawled and died over there. 

Today the school is luckily closed. Disinfestation or something. About time, dare I say. The cafeteria looked like it housed an entire colony of rats. The only downside was not being able to ‘talk’ with Shinji.

And now here I am. Coming back from a store having grabbed whatever supplies I can for both me and the Dork’s breakfast for the next couple of days. It’s hot. Unbearably so. It’s not the temperature itself that bothers me.

It’s the fucking humidity.

Scheiße. There she is. Wonderdoll in all her ‘glory’. Walking on the opposite sidewalk in the same direction as mine.

Why do I call her as such? Because she’s obviously the goddamn favourite among the pilots. Always compliant. No mistakes. The ‘oh so perfect’ embodiment of what NERV is probably trying to mould us pilots into. No wonder she declared that she wouldn’t become friends with me unless ordered to. Meh.

It’s not that I hate her. I definitely don’t like her after she humiliated me in front of the school. But no, I don’t actually hate her. Just how she acts all perfect and doll-like. 

The ground shakes. I look around. Nothing but the slowly walking Ayanami on the other side. Eh. Probably an earthquake. Japan has them rather frequently. Shakes a little, then it stops. Always the same.

The ground shakes again. Okay, okay. Maybe an aftershock.

The ground shakes more noticeably. Could it be an angel? Unlikely. The alarm would have gone off if it was.

And yet.. no storefront is lit up. No traffic lights are on. It does look suspicious.

Wait. Don’t tell me there’s an angel and a blackout.

The ground shakes way more noticeably now and on a rather regular rhythm. I finally look behind me.

Heilige Scheiße. 

It is a fucking angel. And there is a blackout. 

It looks like a mastodonic spider. Only with four legs instead of eight. And its body is covered with unblinking eyes.

Creepy and disgusting.

Gotta get to my Unit and squash the bastard. 

“Oi Wonderdoll!” But she’s not where I last saw her. I look arou-

“HOLY FUCK!” She’s right behind me!

“Pilot Soryu. We must reach the Geofront.” Her trademark unemotional tone. Not even flustered by my reaction. How delightful.

“Don’t have to tell me twice. Where’s the closest entrance?”

“100 meters from our current location. We have to run.”

She runs. I immediately drop my bags and follow her. 

A little later we find the entrance and open it. Manual lock luckily. We head inside. And we are welcomed by tunnels upon tunnels apparently going everywhere.

It’s a damn labyrinth. How the hell are we going to reach our Evas?!

Surprisingly, she pulls out the last thing I imagined. The NERV’s emergency manual. She scrolls through the pages and a couple of minutes later, she closes it and puts it back in her pockets.

“This way. Follow.” The ever so ‘cheerful girl’ pipes up.

For 20 minutes we walk briskly in the dark tunnels, apparently heading.. somewhere. I might be a genius, but even I would get lost here.

“I have not seen Pilot Ikari in 13 days. Has something happened?”

“Uh? Oh yes. He got kicked out by Misato and put on house arrest because he beat up the pervert.”

“Who?”

“Ah right. You weren’t around then. Classmate Aida was taking and selling photos of girls at school. Including me. A couple weeks ago I found the photos in his desk. Shinji went berserk and decided that Aida didn’t need a face anymore. Misato punished him because he didn’t want to apologize for it. Things got heated and he was kicked out.”

“I already knew of classmate Aida’s expulsion and its motive. I did not know that Pilot Ikari was punished for a related matter.”

“Eh. Now you know.” We stop walking. Dead end. The rest of the tunnel is basically rubble. Fuck!

“Great. Dead end. Where do we go now?”

Silence. She looks around.

“An air conduit is nearby. If we crawl inside, we should be able to reach the Eva cages before the angel breaches through.” 

There it is. The vent for the conduit. 

“Is this the one?” I point at a 1x2 meters grille-looking opening on my right.

“Yes.”

I kick it. It shatters. Greatest and best structure in the world indeed.

“Let’s proceed.” She says as she enters the air duct. I follow closely. 

Crawling my way to my Eva is definitely not what I wanted to do today. But I have to do it. It’s my duty, what I was trained my whole life for.

If I pilot, I’m useful. If I pilot, they keep me here. With Shinji.

I still follow the First in the dead silent ducts. Damn, these things are dusty!

“Why did Pilot Ikari resort to physical violence when confronting classmate Aida about his deeds?”

“Probably wanted to do some justice, I don’t know. What Aida did was illegal, disgusting and immoral. In my opinion, Shinji did nothing wrong. Even if he went a bit overboard. If he didn’t do it, someone else would have done it.”

After 10 more minutes of walking and crawling through dusty and dark air ducts, finally a vent comes into sight.

“We are here.”

She kicks the vent out and drops down. This one too shattered. Who the hell built this place?!

I drop down after her and the Eva cages welcome me. People are basically running around trying to unlock the restraints on the Units. 

Oh. 

That’s new. Even the damn Commander is here. And he’s helping cranking a lever to put the plugs in. Holy shit!

Now that I notice, even here they don’t have electricity at the moment. Screw it. No time to dawdle. Time to squish a big ass bug.

Dr. Akagi turns to us and speaks. She seems way less surprised to see us than the technicians around.

“Good. You’re here. We’re trying to unlock the restraints manually so you can get out and take down whatever’s out there. On that front, did you see what it looks like by any chance?”

“Huge spider. Four legs. Big ugly eyes all over.” Is my short, clipped answer.

“Alright. Go and get changed. If the schedule is not delayed further, we should be able to launch both of you in a matter of minutes.”

I reply with a firm nod and sprint towards the changing rooms. The First is hot on my tail.

Once inside, we scramble to our lockers and start to change into our plugsuits. As I disrobe, I fleetingly think about my own body. Right now I somehow feel more comfortable in my own skin. It’s almost as if I finally feel reassured that I’m no longer undesirable. I don’t have any idea h-

No. There is a very specific reason. I’m attractive in Shinji’s eyes. He desires me. He said it himself that I’m beautiful. And I trust him.

And if I trust him, I should also trust his judgement.

Once the suit pressurizes, I turn to Ayanami and offer a single firm nod. We might have our differences, but inside an Eva it doesn’t matter. We have a job to do. Only skill matters.

And I have it in spades.

We stride again to the Evangelion cages. The technicians finally unlocked the restrains and the entry plugs are in position. Good.

I hop inside the plug and it seals. Not long after, the LCL starts flooding in. I close my eyes and exhale until my lungs burn. When I feel the reddish-orange liquid passing my head, I finally inhale.

Yuck. Smells like blood. And it feels like swimming stale broth. 8 years of having this shit pumped into my lungs and it still disgusts me. It doesn't matter that it’s oxygenated and dampens G-forces. 

Screw it. I have a bug to kill.

I reopen my eyes and start the activation process. Still set in Japanese instead of German might I add. The weird rainbows and swirls of colour phase in and out. 

Evangelion Unit number 02 activated. 

Feels warm and welcoming. Just like always. Ever since my first sync at 6, they repeatedly told me that the LCL is thermo-regulated to stay at 25 Celsius degrees. Yet, every time I sat in the pilot seat, it always felt warm, comforting. Safe. It almost feels like a caring embrace from a loved one. Heh, as if I remember what that feels like.

No, wait. I do! Shinji might not be a loved one, but he certainly cares and holds me. And I do care for him in return. At least a little.

The LCL feels a little warmer than before. Yet another strange thing. Every time I thought about something that brought me some happiness, my sync rate climbed and the ‘Eva Embrace’ as I call it got warmer. Who knows why. Certainly I don’t. But if it helps me in fighting better, so be it. 

A sound only comm window opens. It’s Akagi again.

“Ok pilots. We have limited resources and time. The MAGI and the Geofront are still offline for the moment so you’ll have to adapt. We installed external battery packs on both your Units. They should give you around half an hour of usable power, provided you don’t constantly push your A.T. Fields to their limits. From now on, you’ll have to rely only on Eva to Eva communications, the current connection is only available until you leave the cages. Any quick questions?”

“Where is Pilot Ikari?” Uh, asking about Shinji again. Chatty today, aren’t we?

“Shinji is currently unavailable. The two agents escorting him are not responding. Could be that they too have problems reaching this place. Don’t worry, should he show up, we’ll send him right after you. Anything else?”

“What weapons do we have?”

“We managed to get only a couple of pallet rifles, I'm afraid. Everything else is unavailable at the moment. Any more questions?”

“Negative.”

“I’m good. Let’s kill the bastard.”

“Outstanding. Behind and above you there’s the launch shaft. You’ll have to climb it to reach the surface. Good luck ladies.”

I will my Eva to move. Feels a bit heavier. The external battery, right. After a quick look at the timer currently showing the 28 minutes of power remaining, I grasp the pallet rifle on the nearby column and head for the launch shaft. We then begin our climb.

Rather long and tedious dare I say. Grab, pull, lift myself and repeat. After about 5 minutes we reach the outer hatch.

“Ready First?”

“Ready”

I force it open and…

My forearm explodes in pain. It burns.

I hastily retreat a few steps and look at it. An orange-ish substance is eating through the armor. Acid. Fantastic.

“The angel can spew acid. We need a plan.”

“What do you suggest?”

“Let me try something.”

I open my left shoulder pylon and pull out the progressive knife within. I cautiously stick it out of the hatch. No acid rain. I then shake it a little.

A sizzle and the knife is no more. Scheiße. Ok.

“It reacts to movement. We need a distraction before we attack it.”

“We do not have any diversions at hand at the moment.”

“I know that! Let me think!”

“Alright. You see Shinji behind us?”

Her Eva’s head turns to look.

“Negative. He is not here.”

“Scheiße. It would have worked better if there were three of us. But there’s no choice. One of us has to run out in the open, distract it and disable its A.T. Field while the other shoots it. How’s your trigger Wonderdoll?”

“I do not know what you are implying.”

“Ugh! I meant how are you with rifles! Can you aim two at a time?”

“I see. I am proficient in firearms, yes. Although firing two rifles simultaneously would impair accuracy.”

“We don’t need accuracy now. We just need a whole lotta bullets. Alright.” I grab the pallet rifle and hand it to her. “When I run outside, wait exactly 30 seconds before you pop out and open fire. Should distract the angel enough for you to aim and shoot. Understood?”

“Understood.”

“Good.” I reposition myself for a jump and dash out the hatch. I take a couple of deep breaths. I will be shot at with acid, so mobility is key. Oh! The batteries!

I reach with an arm to search for any latches. I can feel two of them. I release them. The timer now shows 5 minutes. Rock ‘N’ Roll.

I jump outside and start a mental timer.

5 seconds in. I run outwards at first. Once I gain enough distance to move better, I start to get close to the angel from a new direction.

10 seconds in. I dash and run. The angel is turning in my direction. No acid has touched me yet. I keep running between buildings.

15 seconds in. I finally have the angel’s undivided attention. Acid spews from its middle eye towards me. While I dodge skillfully, I will my A.T. Field to extend and erode the angel’s.

20 seconds in. I keep dodging. The acid keeps flying. The angel’s A.T. Field is weakening.

25 seconds in. A slight misstep on my part. A splash of acid lands on my right shoulder. It fucking hurts, but I keep eroding the enemy’s A.T. Field all the same.

30 seconds in. The angel’s A.T. Field is finally down.

32 seconds in. The First pops out of the hatch and fires a veritable wall of depleted uranium rounds. Not one misses its mark.

40 seconds in. The angel is down.

Panting from the exertion, I open a comm window.

“Nice shooting First. Let’s get back.”

"Acknowledged." Ugh! Even when I pay a compliment she ignores me!

We reenter the hatch and jump once again in the launch shaft. Much faster without external batteries and by simply sliding down. My power runs out just as I approach the cages. No matter.

I may not have the kill, but the plan was mine. And it was a success like few others. Fan-fucking-tastic. And I mean it. The First Child did admirably and I managed to dodge all but one wave of acid. Yeah, my Unit needs to be repaired. But I admit..

When Wonderdoll says she’s capable of doing something, she does it. No mistakes.

The following one hour before the debrief is one huge pain in the ass. At least the power returned shortly after we got out of the plugs. 

After we wait, Dr. Blonde Bimbo ushers us in the briefing room and opts for a small interview where we recount the battle, a small berating at me releasing the batteries without a care and an equally small berating at Ayanami for wasting ammo. According to Akagi, there was no need to use both rifles at once. But no punishment is reserved for us. Decisions in the heat of battle and whatnot. 

She also told us our respective sync rate during the encounter since the Evangelions can record them. 51% for the First, 79% for me. 

Still the best.

Afterwards we went to the showers to rinse the awful LCL smell. It always takes me a minimum of 15 minutes to remove it. Ugh. Still don’t know why it has to smell this bad.

Misato was apparently stuck in the elevator with Kaji. Whatever. They probably spent the whole time fucking. Like I care.

Oh. 

Wow. 

Did I really think that? Do I really care this little about what my ex-guardian and my current one are doing in private? Hell, not two months ago I was still thinking about Kaji! What the shit?!

‘You don’t care because you have Shinji’

‘Yeah and I’m happy about it. But why the fuck did he replace Kaji this fast?!’

‘Because the Idiot cares. To a degree, he understands. He doesn’t reject you or pity you. He’s in the same boat as you. Lonely teenage soldier with no one around’

‘Now where the hell is that Dork?! He missed your glorious battle plan!’

Indeed. Where the hell is he?

I turn off the water, wrap myself in my towel and head to the locker to change.

He should have been here by now. It’s been almost 2 hours now since we went out to fight the angel.

After I change, I decide to try and pry some information from Akagi. She’s not in her office. I growl.

Wait. 

I pick up my phone and dial Misato. A few rings and she answers.

“Hey Asu-” 

“Where is he.” I instantly cut her off.

“Where’s who? Kaji? He went to his office 20 minutes ago.” For fuck’s sake do you really care this little?!

“No! Where’s Shinji?” I’m a bit aggressive now.

“Oh. Shinji’s in the hospital now.” No.

NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo

“What do you mean ‘he’s in the hospital’?!” I’m definitely shouting now.

“While the agents at his house were transporting him here by car, the angel kindly stepped on their path and they ended up crashing. Don’t know much else. Right now I’m on my way to the Commander’s office to sort it all out.” Fuck. Scheiße. Verdammt Scheiße!

I hung up without a word the moment she finished talking.

The Third is in the hospital. The universe definitely hates me.

So I run. Corridor after corridor. Until I reach the medical wing and turn to the nurse at the front desk.

“I.D. please” 

I show my NERV card. With a nod, she continues.

“What can I help you with?”

“Pilot Ikari Shinji. Where is he.”

After a way too long minute of searching on the computer, she answers.

“Room 178. The patient should be awake.”

I nod stiffly and head down the main wing. In little time I’m in front of the room marked 178.

I calm my breathing with long, steady lungfuls of air.

Ok. This is the first time I’ll see him in two weeks. 

Be calm. Be kind but not too kind, I’m still technically at work now. And nobody can know what really goes on between me and him. 

After my breathing and heartbeat are once again at tolerable levels, I press the button and the door opens.

Inside I find the Idiot intently looking at the window.

He’s here. He’s awake.

As I walk forward, he turns his head. His eyes light up the moment we look at each other.

And his lips form the stupidest, most idiotic and sweet smile. One of the things I now realize I missed the most these days. I answer with a relieved one of my own.

His smile widens more. Dork.

My expression shifts into a satisfied grin and I place one hand on my waist.

“What’s up Idiot! About time you showed up!”

He chuckles. “Nice to see you too Asuka.” His eyes are still locked into mine.

“Got banged up?”

“A little. While they were bringing me here, we had a crash. The angel practically stomped in front of the car and we swerved into an alley to avoid it. There was a dumpster in the way and we crashed into it. One of the agents broke his arm.” He dips his head. Ugh. He feels guilty.

“They got hurt doing their job, Third. It’s not your fault.”

“Still doesn’t mean I have to like what happened. After the accident, we got out of the car and went further up the alley to wait it out. Sorry I wasn’t there to help you and Ayanami.” Again he thinks it’s his fault. Aargh. 

“Again Stupid! Not your fault! Stop apologizing for things out of your control!”

“Heh, sorry.” He scratches the back of his head.

“Mmh. I’ll let this one slide since it was your fault for apologizing uselessly. But I’m far too happy to argue again. Now! The battle! That was majestic!”

“Yeah I saw it from the alley. You ran so fast! How did you manage to uhmm.. weaken the A.T. Field while running? I can barely do it while standing still.”

“Superior training and experience of course! Maybe some time in the future I’ll let you in on some secrets of the trade. We could train with simulations and the like.”

“I’d really like that, Asuka. You’re the best at these things after all.” A slight self-deprecating smile on his face. Dork.

He’d really like that, uh? 

“Then out of the goodness of my heart and with the incentive of having a better comrade, I shall teach you the fine art of kicking ass with an Eva!” I solemnly declare like I’m royalty. Chin pointed up, finger in the air and all. 

Great. Now I’m the dork.

Heh. Maybe it’s like he said at the hot springs. Maybe we both are a little stupid.

‘A perfect match in my opinion’ Shut up! Not now!

“So, how are your wounds, oh brave Knight?” Ok. What. The. Fuck.

“Sprained knee. Maybe bruised a rib or two. A couple of days with crutches and I should be back on my noble purple steed, your Highness.” The smirk on his face is way more playful than I expected. A certain tingle makes itself known.

“Then, as a member of the royal family, I shall accompany you to your dwelling!” Why can’t I stop this?! 

“We shall do so the moment they bring my crutches, your Highness.” He’s still playing along and smiling. The dork.

“Wait. How long have you been here?”

“Uhm… one and a half hours?”

“And they still didn’t bring you crutches?! Wait here a moment.”

I turn and walk out of the room to head to the front desk again. Once there, the nurse immediately pipes up.

“Yes?”

“Can Pilot Ikari be released and given a pair of crutches?”

“Oh. Let me check.”

A minute of searching later she responds.

“Yes, he actually can. A nurse will be there shortly with the proper items.”

I nod in response and head back to his room. 

Over the next few minutes I explained in great detail my fantastic battle plan for the giant spider.

Sometime during our talk, the nurse showed up with the crutches, and with some slight early missteps we finally managed to get to the front desk to sign the discharge papers and head home.

Home. Heh. Our separate homes.

The trip to the apartment building is rather slow, but I don’t mind. For the first time in two weeks I can talk face to face with him. I tell him everything he missed at school. From the degenerate’s expulsion to Suzuhara’s punishment and a general overview of what happened back at Misato's since he moved.

He visibly saddens after hearing that Misato let herself go like never before. I was right. He still cares for her.

To lift his mood again, I tell him that every lunch he made me was good enough for my standards and that I kept every note he wrote me just so I could throw them back at him if he ever got back on his word. He simply smiles at that. Dummkopf.

I’m actually impressed how he managed to.. I don't know.. translate my words? I can’t really say it in another way. It has always been a defense mechanism ever since I could remember. I say what I don’t mean and mean what I don’t say. Earlier on in our ‘relationship’ it was obviously problematic.

And now? It almost looks as if he can finally ‘read between the lines’. Mind you, he still misses things from time to time. But all in all, I’m glad. At least it shows that we can understand each other to a deg-

“So, Asuka. Where do you think the angels come from?” Woah. Way to interrupt my thoughts, Third!

“Eh. Who knows. They always attack us, so they’re the enemy. When they show up, we smash them. That’s about it.” He chuckles at that.

“Somehow, I knew you would answer like that.” I narrow my eyes at him in annoyance. 

He answers with a small smirk and a tiny shrug. Ha! Case in point. What did I say?! He knew I would answer in that way and he didn’t bat an eye. Heh. Definitely changed compared to that day on the carrier.

Oh! That reminds me..

“So, Shinji. Why did you stare at me on the carrier when we met?” We’ve arrived at the apartment block in the meantime.

“Uh?” Idiot!

“Idiot! Why did you stare at me on the aircraft carrier? Too gorgeous for your eyes?” I playfully ask with a smirk as we’re waiting for the elevator.

“Yeah, pretty much.” He answers absentmindedly. He then blinks repeatedly and faces me with a luminescent blush. 

“I-I mean.. I-I.. “ He trails off with a sigh.

“Yes, Asuka. Sorry I stared at you.” His head dips.

He then turns to me with a sad smile and fully locks onto my eyes.

“It’s just that I never saw someone so pretty. I couldn’t even believe my eyes when I saw you.” Still the same smile and now a small shrug.

I don’t fight the genuine elation showing on my face.

I don’t fight the blush either.

“You’re an Idiot” I say while I lightly shake my head. I’m still smiling.

We finally enter the elevator and I unconsciously push the button for his floor.

For the entire ride we don’t speak. Halfway through, I grip his nearest forearm and give it a gentle squeeze. A simple gesture. I’m grateful that he’s only banged up instead of being seriously injured. I’m grateful for finally being able to touch him again. Even if only for this short ride.

When we walk out, we’re still silent. 

Oh. No agents at the door. Weird.

“Uhmm… wanna come in for a little? I can prepare some tea if you like.” I answer with a nod.

He then opens the door with his keycard, we walk in the small hallway and reach the inner door. He opens this one too.

Once inside I remove my shoes and surprisingly, he manages to remove his without trouble.

Then, like the cute idiot that he is, he ditches his crutches. It’s on instinct that I move to try and catch him when he starts to fall.

When my hands land on his waist, he steadies himself.

I sigh in relief. Then huff in annoyance. The idiot should keep his damn crutches if he can’t walk! 

At least he manages to look both guilty and grateful for my gesture.

But.. for the first time in two weeks we are alone. No Misato. No angels. No agents by his door.

I look him in the eyes.

It’s just me and him. 

I grin mentally. Maybe this could be a good moment for my… ahem.. taste test. And maybe his if he’s in the mood.

I still don’t speak a word. I simply lead him to the living room couch. When his legs touch the couch, he tries to speak up. I put a single finger on his mouth to shush him.

No words. Not now. I want to show him my trust. To show him that he hasn’t lost it simply because we were separated.

He nods. I smile. 

I gently lower him on the couch. I tower over him and he leans back. My hands are on his shoulders. I start to gently move them down over his chest and abdomen. He shivers a little.

When I reach the hem of his shirt, I grab it and pull it up. He immediately reacts by raising his arms. He knows something will happen.

Once his shirt is off, I put my hands again on his chest and begin my usual exploration. Pecs, stomach, sides, shoulders..

So fucking warm. Shit. I didn’t know just how much I missed this.

The slight bruising on his right hip doesn’t bother me.

I reach his pants and undo his buckle. In a slow, careful manner I slide down his pants and underwear and fully remove them once at his feet. After two weeks, I finally have him all to myself.

The bandage on his right knee doesn’t stop me. Only makes me more careful in my approach.

I rise up and slowly undress, giving him a great chance at looking at me up and down as my clothes gradually fall. And he does look. Always. And with the same eyes he had during our first time.

Once fully disrobed, I notice something’s wrong.

I still have my sync clips.

So I remove them. And drop them unceremoniously behind me.

It’s for him after all. He knows what I am. He knows who I am. He’s probably the only person on the planet that simply sees me as a girl instead of a tool or a prize.

And now… time for a snack.

‘Remember girl…’

‘No teeth. I know.’

I kneel between his legs and open them carefully.

I then move my hands to his thighs. My heartbeat is now through the roof. I’m really going to do it.

But the moment I start leaning towards his crotch, he speaks up.

“A-Asuka.. what a-are you doing?”

I stop but I don’t utter a word. I simply lock eyes with him. I lean forward a bit more. His scent is permeating my nostrils.

Still uses his trademark eucalyptus and pinewood soap. There’s also a little sweat mixed in. And that same scent of something that every time we’re intimate, drives me wild. 

But as I get closer to the object of my desire, that musk gets increasingly stronger.

He starts to blush furiously. He probably knows what I’m going to do.

“Y-you.. you don’t have to do this…”

“I want to, Shinji.” I respond immediately. I really want to try this.

I close the remaining distance and bury my face into his crotch.

It’s impossibly hot. I can feel pulsing. His heartbeat.

I close my eyes and inhale as much as I can of that something. I feel my own body react to it. So I lower a hand between my legs and rub a little. A small electric feeling runs through my spine as I do so.

I then lean back and raise the hand. It’s soaked. I can only imagine what the situation is down there.

I offer him the hand.

“This is what you do to me Shinji.”

I never tasted myself after my sessions, but I can guess that it’s maybe a bit unpleasant.

He leans forward and inhales a little. Suddenly, his eyes widen and he decides to leave me utterly baffled.

He cautiously licks one of my fingers. After he’s done, he licks his lips. Only to then proceed to gently take my wrist and lap up the remaining wetness. 

My own eyes widen at the sight and I feel my core pulse.

He doesn’t need to say anything, the look on his face alone says it all. He adores it.

In my honest opinion, this might be the single most intimate thing we have ever done so far.

When he releases my wrist, I lower my hand and start stroking him slowly. He lets out a small moan. Hot.

The sounds he makes while we're intimate always manage to drive my own arousal sky high.

The clear liquid shows up again from his tip. But this time I don’t fight the urge to taste it, I welcome it.

Just as I told him. I want this.

I finally lower my head again and stick out my tongue. The scent is now overwhelming.

I bring my tongue to his tip and lick. It doesn’t feel gross. The taste is weird to say the least, but it’s not unpleasant. Slightly salty if I have to put a finger on it.

What I definitely didn’t expect is my own body’s reaction. My own folds now beg to be satisfied. Later. After I finally taste the whole meal.

I lick a little more and start peppering him with little pecks. The taste already feels more familiar. He gasps and grunts a bit louder now. At the rate this is going, I’m probably going to stain the floor with my own arousal. 

Strangely, I don’t care. At least he’ll have a visual reminder of me. Almost as if I marked my own territory.

Hold up. What?!

‘Didn’t I tell you to imagine yourself as a little doggie marking what’s hers? Well, if this goes on, both him and the apartment will smell like you. Your territory.’ Shut up. I’m not a dog.

‘Oh but for him you are. Just at the thought of being intimate with him you drool. From both sets of lips.’ Piss off. Gotta focus on what’s in front of me.

I keep kissing and licking. Every now and then I add a soft stroke to the mix. All the while, I keep my eyes on his.

They look unfocused, almost hazy. And yet, I still recognize the same gaze he has every time we’re in bed. Lust. Desire. Only for me.

The realization boosts my initiative. So I lean back and detach my hands from him. He looks at me with a weird look. I simply smirk and tuck my hair behind both ears.

And the meal begins.

I lower my head once more, this time my lips are around him, perfect seal. I suck a little.

The moan he lets out is impossibly hot.

I go further down. As my tongue swirls around, that salty taste is still there. But now it’s mixed with his own sweat. Yummy indeed.

I decide to be bold and try to take in as much as I can. Surprisingly it all vanishes inside. But it tickles my throat, so I lean back a tiny bit.

There. Perfect.

He’s now completely buried now in my mouth. It pulses and throbs almost constantly from the stimulation. And it still doesn’t feel gross. I know some women think this is degrading or humiliating. Yet, it doesn’t. Not with him.

Heh. Not like I’m gonna go around and start sucking random guys. The only one I’ll ever allow is right now moaning softly and has his dick currently lodged in my mouth.

Ugh. Again with the possessive statement.

…

… 

You know what? 

Fuck it. Let’s go with it. 

I’m long past caring right now. He should feel lucky that I am the one he belongs to. And the good thing is that he already agreed to it when we started this whole fuck-buddies thing. The notebook in my underwear drawer is proof enough.

Gotta say though, this whole blowjob stuff? I’m definitely not an expert at this.

But if he likes it, and by the look on his face it feels like he adores it, maybe I’ll do it again sometime.

And now? Now, It’s time to try and drive him wild.

I start to bob my head up and down. He gasps and moans every time I come down on him. He keeps throbbing and twitching inside my mouth.

Sometimes my hands tag along, sometimes I pull it out to lick at it. I do whatever I notice increases the sounds he makes. But something’s missing.

I look up from my ministrations and there it is. His head is craned back, eyes scrunched in pleasure. Mmh. Not good enough. I need him to look. Just to see his eyes the moment he explodes.

I raise a hand and grab his jaw. I yank it down to turn his face towards me. Look at me, Shinji. Look at me.

Look at the young woman who’s going to send you to heaven simply with her mouth. The young woman who owns you.

When his head is in the proper position he reopens his eyes. 

Hello there.

His cobalt orbs are completely foggy and unfocused. But the lust and desire are still there. I increase my rhythm and the pressure. Although, my tongue and jaw are getting a tired. 

Time to finish this. As sort of a finisher move, my free hand travels to one of his nipples and lightly pinches.

He gasps my name and finally my meal is ready.

I keep still while he keeps delivering.

The texture is strange, but living in Japan for a while has at least prepared me for weird food textures. The taste is not what I expected. Not foul, but not great either. It’s also impossibly warm.

And yet, this is probably my new favourite meal. One prepared by him only. Exclusively for me.

I finally separate my mouth from him. He’s now panting, eyes closed and leaning back on the couch. I decide to do something way more dirty than what I planned originally. I tap his thigh a few times to garner his attention and he slowly reopens his eyes.

The moment our gazes lock I open my mouth, showing him the final result. I then close it and gulp down everything while he watches. I reopen my mouth and stick out my tongue to show him just how much I wanted it all along.

His eyes widen in disbelief and pure arousal.

Hehe. Perverted Idiot.

“So… how was it?” Are my first words. My voice sounds a little weird.

“I.. I… I don’t.. think I can put it… in words…” He’s still panting. Did I really consume all his energy?

“You okay there, Third? You sound like you just ran a marathon.” I chuckle a little.

He chuckles as well. “Haven’t had one in a while, sorry.”

“You didn’t masturbate while we were separated?”

“Nope.” His breathing is a little better now.

“Heh. Idiot.” I smile and chuckle. He does too. I rest my head on his healthy knee. Feels nice being this close again.

After a few more moments of silence, I finally ask.

“Want to try it on me?”

“Are you… are you sure?”

“Definitely. Remember Dummy. I won’t force it if you don’t want to.”

“No, no.. it’s ok.. I want to try it too. Especially after what you just did.” He chuckles again.

“Alright then. Let’s go to bed.” I rise from my position and hold out my hands for him. He grasps them and I heave him off the couch. He’s a little unsteady. Probably my fault hehehe.

“Which one is your room?”

“That one.” He gestures his chin towards the room on the left of the hallway. Same one as mine, only one floor up.

Heh. Like to think you’re sleeping on top of me, uh?

Once we manage to slowly and carefully move to the bedroom and the bed itself, I plop down and turn on my back while he cautiously follows.

I then spread open my legs and he ever so slowly approaches my groin. He’s gaping like a fish at the sight. Every time, I feel pride in being able to turn up the idiot in him by simply showing off.

“Uhmm.. how do I do this?”

“Just do what feels right. You’ll definitely know if I'm hurting or I’m coming.”

“I… I don’t want to hurt you…” He dips his head a little.

“I trust you Shinji.” I offer him a small yet still genuine smile.

“I know.” He smiles too. I feel myself pulse in return. Get on with it! I need this!

I’ve waited two fucking weeks for this! Do. Not. Leave. Me. Hanging!

With both his palms he starts caressing my thighs and I shiver a little. They then rest on my hips. He raises his gaze once more to mine. I bite my lip and nod.

He then sticks out his tongue and probes a little around my opening. I shiver and gasp at the sudden contact. My hands instinctively reach for his. His licks are shy, careful. Yet, each one feels way more intense than any of my fingers ever did in the past. 

Every few seconds his tongue changes direction. But it’s not enough. I release my hands from his and tangle them in his hair. They’re soft. My legs raise on their own and I end up with the back of my knees on his shoulders.

Then I not-so-gently grab his hair by the roots and bury his face thoroughly. Full contact. Yet another possessive gesture on my part. He grunts but doesn’t stop. His movements feel much better and his breathing tickles my button. I throw back my head with my eyes shut and start to moan in ecstasy. Who the hell knew he was a natural even at this?!

Every time I touched myself, It was me behind the wheel. I commanded the what, where and how. Now? Now I’m simply along for the ride. 

He’s the one in command. He decides what and where to pleasure. And I fully trust him.

Apparently, a similar statement resonates in his mind. After a minute or so, his licks and kisses become much bolder. He licks up and down, placing small pecks all over and his hands are squeezing my buttocks shamelessly. Inexperienced, like me. But very eager in his ministrations.

Oh. That’s different. 

Oh.. ooh.. now THAT feels nice!

He’s basically buried his whole tongue in me. Holy fuck it feels good! I’m getting loud again.

He keeps it up with a few grunts and even shakes his head a little to add stimulation. With the concert of sounds we’re making, I think it’s quite obvious to anyone who might be listening what exactly we’re doing. Fuck it. I’m not holding back. 

He needs to know just how fucking much I’m liking this.

He apparently decides that it’s time to end it and starts to devour with abandon. His movements come to a cusp when he unknowingly attacks my button.

And that sets me off. 

I tighten my grip on his scalp and nearly push him inside my privates.

With an ear-splitting scream of his name, I finally achieve my sought after release. My throat will definitely be sore after this. 

I pant for air like my life depends on it. I finally release my hold on his hair as the aftershocks still hit me, but I still keep my hands on his head. 

“You… okay?” He sounds out of breath too.

With the little strength I can muster, I manage a shaky nod. Gott… that was… woah…

“Was… it good?” Another shaky nod. But I finally feel like I can speak again. 

“It was… oooh… amazing… thank you…” Crap, I sound way hoarser than I imagined.

He rests his face on my thigh and smiles his dorky smile at me. The unspoken ‘you are welcome’ is written all over his features. 

Oh… wow. He looks like he stood face up under the rain.

Nice.

I gingerly lower my legs from his shoulders. My hands are still in his hair. So I start to gently scratch his scalp. He lets out something between a purr and a grunt.

Double nice.

As I lightly pull on his hair, he slowly comes up, sliding his whole body against mine. The full contact of the maneuver is heavenly.

He finally rests his head on my sternum. His eyes are half open, unfocused. Uh. Now that I think about it, I do feel drowsy myself.

In a matter of minutes, we probably fell asleep without a word.

…

Just like every time I sleep in his company, no nightmares reach my mind.

…

Warmth. Safety. Comfort.

And a weight on my chest. 

Oh, right. He’s still on top of me.

My brain starts its usual rebooting. 

When I find the strength to open my eyes, it’s dark outside. Some moonlight shines through the window.

Something soft in my hands. I look down. My fingers are still tangled in his locks. I tenderly massage on instinct.

Stupid Shinji. The boy wh- 

No. The young man whom I trust with all of myself, is still sleeping on my chest. He looks peaceful, almost unburdened dare I say.

When we met, we both bottled up our emotions in the same way. I can see it now.

Yet, I used it to fuel my mask of confidence and pride while he simply tried to smother it down in order to not antagonize or hurt anyone around him. 

And in the end, we ended up arguing to oblivion. With me pushing anger at every corner and him alternating between constant apologizing and some talking back. Needless to say, I preferred by far whenever he decided to stand up for himself and bite back. At least he demonstrated that there was something else hidden underneath the doormat demeanor.

And that something else? Determination. Unwillingness to let the people he cares about get hurt. A so-called ‘spine’. The one I always teased that he didn’t have only because I wanted to bring it out. 

Heh. Counterproductive now that I consider how shy and withdrawn he is. I actually thought he hated me before the volcano. Instead, he went and literally pulled my ass out of the fire. Well, magma. Whatever. At least it has shown that when it matters, he can behave like a man. 

From the first moment we saw each other I knew he was attracted to me. But he never showed interest of any kind save for some sneaky glances here and there.

My attraction to him? Heh. Who knows. I’m still not exactly sure even after nearly 3 months of knowing him. 

I just know that from the first time I saw his eyes, I couldn’t look away. 

Kaji has been my golden standard when it comes to men for a long time. Handsome, confident, good sense of humor.. For the whole time I was under his care, he was what I wanted from my hypothetical ideal man. And yet, he never managed to make me feel this way.

Yes, there was lust on my part and obvious affection on his. But he never made me feel comfortable in my own skin. He only ever went along with the compliments I gave myself. He pampered me only when he needed to apologize for his absence or neglect or wanted to be on my good side whenever I was pissed at something or someone else. Heh. He never even cooked for me.

And it all came crashing down on that forsaken night on the carrier. I deluded myself in thinking that he was the one for me, the one that would usher me into the world of adults with one night of sex. I unconsciously knew that it was a fool’s errand and I still tried to force it to happen. And even after that cursed night, I still made a big show of hanging off of him. I couldn’t show any Kaji related weakness.

Sigh. At least, the trip from Germany did bring me something different.

I stare at the brown mop of hair currently still asleep.

I never met someone like him. He cleaned after me, cooked for me and during my outburst when we were sync training, he bothered to reassure me that he wasn’t going to let me be replaced. And on the last night at the hot springs? He didn’t reject me. Didn’t rebuke me. He complimented me, fully honest and without verbal prompting of any kind. And, of course, shared with me quite possibly the most intense and pleasurable night imaginable. Yeah, that first time was just a debt being settled, no denying that. But I did all of that only because it was him.

Is this simple desire?

Is this liking someone?

Is this devotion?

Is this… the L word?

Who the fuck knows.

Paraphrasing what I already told him when we started this whole thing, only time will tell. Only with time I might be able to sort it all and figure out what I am to him and what he is to me.

Mmh. I don’t want to disturb him and I really don't want to leave… but Misato will ask questions if I spend the night and I don’t even want to know what’ll happen if the agents come back to his door.

Unfortunately, regardless of what I want to do, I have to leave.

I gently shake him. No answer.

I shake him again. He stirs a little and proceeds to nuzzle his face in my breasts. Pervert. Feels nice though.

I shake him a third time and call his name. He mumbles something as his head lifts. He flutters his eyes as he wakes. He instantly focuses on me and smiles a little.

“Hey” He says.

“Hey. You ok?”

He mumbles in approval. 

“It’s comfy here.” Ha! Cheeky!

“Pervert.”

Another muble of approval. Aaand he rests his face again on my breasts. Idiot.

And then starts to give light kisses on both of them. Double Idiot!

As amusing as it is watching him downright worship my chest, I still have to go.

“I have to go, Third!” I raise my voice a little. Even if I’m smiling all the same. He groans a little.

“Misato?”

“Yeah. She might ask questions if I don’t come back. You know we can’t let anyone know what we’re up to. It’s just between us, remember?” I gently caress his hair again. It’s most definitely an unconscious thing. It’s not because it’s soft, relaxing and a convenient way to handle him while we are in bed. Nossir.

He nods slightly. “Yeah… and I don’t think she’ll let me come back either…”

“Eh. It may be better this way, you know? She’ll understand that she’s way too lazy and finally start to get her act together” I shrug a little at that.

“Okay, okay I’ll let you go... just… 5 more minutes please?” Are you really asking me that?!

I roll my eyes with a smile. “Alright. I guess I can stay a little longer.”

Little did I know that his ‘5 more minutes’ turned into 30 more minutes of cuddling. Can’t exactly blame him alone, I contributed a lot. After I discovered that it was nearly midnight, we decided to call it and disentangle. After putting our clothes on, I couldn’t hold it any longer.

I hugged him just before saying our goodbyes. Our first actual hug outside of the intimacy of the bed. He was a little startled at first, but after a few more moments he fully returned the hug. When he responded, I seriously considered the idea of just staying the night. 

Alas, to both our dismay may I add, we separated and wished a good night to each other. When I walked to the stairs, I threw a glance over my shoulder at his door. I was already missing him.

And now here I am. At the inner door of the Katsuragi dwelling. Staring at the light leaking through the door. Misato is awake.

How the fuck do I explain my absence?!

‘Just tell her you helped Shinji go back from the hospital and stayed late to keep him company. She should buy it.’

Oh. Right. Should have been obvious.

I’m an Idiot.

‘Like you already didn’t know.’ Shut up.

I take a deep breath and finally swipe my card to open the door. A strange sight welcomes me.

Misato. Awake. Slightly hunched on her seat at the table. Looking intently at an unopened can of beer, a pack of cigarettes and an ashtray.

Holy shit. What the hell happened?

“Misato?”

She turns to me calmly.

“Oh. Hey. You’re back late.” Wow. Scary sober.

“Yeah. Helped Shinji from the hospital and kept him company. Realized it was too late when we both dozed off in the living room.”

“I actually have to talk to you about him.” Oh. That’s new.

“What’s up?” I move and sit in front of her.

“I had a talk with the Sub-Commander. Told me that if a pilot couldn’t do their job due to a direct order from me, I shouldn’t be in charge of their private lives.” 

She calmly takes out a cigarette and lights it.

Wait. What?!

She takes a drag and blows it out a second later. Continue you currently-not-inebriated slob!

“Funny thing is they didn’t berate me over disciplining Shinji by moving him out and putting him on home arrest. Being your guardian actually meant also disciplining you. What they reamed me out for was the futility of such punishment in case an angel attack goes disastrously due to unavailable pilots.”

Another drag of the cigarette.

“Yesterday was a near disaster with the apparently mysterious blackout, the appearance of the angel at the same moment, you and Rei being almost locked out of your Evas and Shinji being unavailable. In the end it did not end badly. But for them a near disaster is still a disaster of some kind. Especially with a pilot injured outside of combat.”

She takes yet another drag. Get it over with! Come on!

“So, they rescinded my guardianship over you two. Shinji will no longer be on house arrest and gets to stay in the apartment one floor up, you get your independence back and my promotion is held back for the time being. Yay for me.” 

Hold up.

“They… they’re sending me back?!”

“No Asuka, they’re not sending you back. They’ll simply offer you a different living situation. Heh, from what I know about it, they’re probably going to give you the choice of where to live since you’re a pilot and all.”

Oh.

“So… I’m forced to move out?”

“Not exactly. If you want to stay, you’re welcome to. I’ll just be unable to order you around outside of an Eva. If you stay, we’ll just be roomies while we’re at home.”

“Eh. I’ll decide on it soon enough. At least you’re not kicking me out like a certain Idiot.”

A drag of the cigarette. After she blows the smoke out, she puts it out on the ashtray. She looks completely defeated.

“He doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t he?”

“I doubt it. He forgives everyone, the dork. Except maybe that Aida jerk. I mean, he wanted to ask Shinji to steal both my panties and yours, Misato. He wanted to plant a camera in our shower to peep on us both for crying out loud!”

“Please. Don’t remind me. Like, ever. It’s just better if we forget it all.”

“I have a near perfect memory, Misato. I may ignore stuff sometimes but I don’t exactly forget much. But yeah… I want to put it behind me too.”

We spend a minute or so in silence.

“Well, I’m going to bed. Even if I dozed off on the Idiot’s couch, I’m still tired. Goodnight.” I rise from my seat and start walking.

“You know I heard you both, right? I’ve been home since around 20 or 30 minutes after Shinji left the hospital.” I hear the telltale sound of a can being opened. I stop walking and my blood runs cold.

She… she heard us?

“What do you mean?” Let’s play the ‘innocent girl’ card.

“Don’t play dumb, Asuka. I might be tired myself but I could recognize your voices and what they meant. Well, screams.” 

Fuck.

“Even if I’m no longer your guardian, please answer me this. Are you two being safe?” Scheiße. Fuck.

Well… the game's over I guess.

“We are.” 

Silence fills the room for a moment while she takes a sip.

“Good. I know a little too much about going too fast too early. I won’t tell anyone, don’t worry. I’m actually happy for you both.”

She sighs. Another sip.

“I can already guess what you’re going to decide about your future living situation. Just… don’t make a mistake, okay?”

I fully turn towards her. For the first time, I offer Misato a small but genuine smile.

“Misato.”

“Mh?”

“He’s not a mistake.”

Chapter Text

“Explain, Captain.” The seated man in front of me asks.

Shit. I hate this office. I always did. Ever since I let Ritsuko talk me into getting this job, I always hated it.

Too dark and too big for a single man. Heh. Someone has an inferiority complex.

As for the two men in this room? One is old and firm but has a certain calm about his whole demeanor. Probably due to his past as a professor.

The other is a cold bastard that to this day refuses to even try and reconnect with the son he has abandoned.

I mean.. My own father might have been a distant man, but at least he tried in the end. And he died before I even could say goodbye to him.

All because of those goddamn Angels.

What’s with the hands? He always tents them in the same manner. I probably saw his face only a handful of times. Is he hiding some huge zits? Or maybe he has rotten teeth and is ashamed of them? 

Anyway, let’s get back on track. Describing NERV’s Supreme Commander is not why I’m here.

My name is Misato Katsuragi. And I am an alcoholic. 

There. I admit it. 10 years of getting sloshed to the point I can’t even formulate a word and I finally got bitten in the ass for it. And it hurts.

Ever since I drank my first drop, I used it to drown my emotions away. Only this time the consequences finally got real.

My father was taken from me at the turn of the century and my life was never the same. Hell, the whole world was never the same.

Out of grief and shock I remained a mute for years.

My father left nothing behind.

Only the necklace he placed in my hands before launching me away from his research center.

When I was 16, sweet, sweet Takumi came into the picture. Even if only for a few weeks. At the time he was 15. He possibly remains the only ex I miss outside of Kaji.

He was for all intents and purposes my first boyfriend.

The problem?

I still couldn’t talk. So I did the only things I could think of. I kissed him and held his hand.

Our three weeks together were sweet and mostly silent. But it helped me heal in a way. It gave me the room to compartmentalize and process what I saw and felt in Antarctica.

It all changed when I started college at 17.

Rits and Kaji. My first two genuine connections. 

She was a prodigy. He was an Adonis.

By that point in time, I restarted talking. Hell, when I met them I went the complete opposite way by never being silent. Silence only made my mind wander into dangerous territories.

I got roped into trying alcohol at my 18th birthday party. The first time I got blackout drunk. To this day, that night still remains a mere blur.

Kaji and I started dating not long after. He was devilishly handsome, what with his physique and his roguish grin. I fell for him. Hard. 

We had a lot in common. I lost my family with the Second Impact and he did too. We bonded in grief to an extent.

He was the one to introduce me to the pleasure of the flesh. Shit, on my 19th? We spent a whole week in bed.

He literally tried to fuck my pain away. He succeeded, to an extent. It still was the 5th year that my father was no longer with me.

We dated until we were 21.

I loved him, y’know? I still do. Problem was, we never said it to each other. To this day I still don’t know if he ever loved me.

I was a fucking coward nonetheless by never telling him. Whenever I thought about spilling my guts to Kaji, I unconsciously saw my father in him.

The last man I loved left me and died shortly after. In my brain, I related Love, Death and abandonment as united entities. If I love someone or someone loves me, they inevitably leave before I can do anything. 

Yeah, yeah. I know. I sound crazy.

Aware of my shortcomings and unable to solve them.

But I have no idea how to. It became second nature to me.

Once college was over, I ran. I couldn’t tell him any of it. If I did, he would have left me. So I ended it all preemptively to spare the both of us from the pain and hurt.

Ugh. What a fucking dumbass I was. It nearly broke me regardless.

In some ways, I was lucky that Ritsuko was still around.

She offered a shoulder to cry on. And a bottle to get myself lost into.

Once, we even had a very drunk hook up. Just so I could deal with the loneliness.

When I was 22, Ritsuko managed to convince me to work for something called NERV. A military organization sanctioned by the UN. I accepted simply because I had nothing to do.

My life changed again once I discovered the purpose of said organization. Fight the Angels once they inevitably return.

It brought everything I saw when I was 14 back into the light. 

The immense explosion.

The scream.

The white giant.

My father, crawling, bleeding and yet still trying to save my life. 

I shut it all away to cope with the loss of my dad, and it returned in full force once I discovered NERV’s mission. 

Needless to say, I wanted to take my revenge on the angels for what they did to my father. They took him away before I could even try and repair my relationship with him.

The world believed that an asteroid brought the Second Impact.

But I know what happened. I saw it. The giant awakened and exploded. The first Angel, NERV called it.

I found my life’s new purpose.

Thus my job became a tool. I trained and trained, climbing through the ranks. With time, I proved myself as a skilled tactician and coordinator.

It was unfortunately a double edge sword. That same purpose became my biggest problem. Every single day, going to work would remind me of both my goal and the reason I was chasing it.

I drank every night. It chased the nightmares and the pain away and kept me sane. A hangover the next morning was a small price to pay to have at least 6 hours of sleep under the belt.

Through sheer determination and hard work, I became a Lieutenant at 24. For my promotion, they transferred me to EuroNERV in Berlin and assigned me temporary custody of one of NERV’s biggest and most important assets.

Soryu Asuka Langley. The Second Child.

Pilot of the then still in construction Evangelion Unit-02.

From the moment I met her, I instantly understood her.

In some ways, it was like looking into a mirror.

An absent father. A lost childhood.

And a selfish purpose to enclose it all. Her parents ‘refused’ her in her opinion, so she decided to simply be the best so everyone else would accept and love her.

I knew from the start what happened to her mother, the price she had to pay to become a pilot. We only talked about it once, and we barely acknowledged that I knew.

Her father was a totally different matter. An asshole with a capital A. Cheated on his wife the moment she was put in that damn hospital. He barely remembered that he had a daughter at times. 

I saw the loneliness and the pain in Asuka’s beautiful blue eyes. Oh there was plenty of resolve, don’t be mistaken. But I saw a lot of a younger me in her.

She was an even bigger reminder of my own solitude.

It brought me to drink heavily at times. And bringing casual flings into my bedroom.

I had no interest and no courage to ever take them further than a one night stand. I could see it in her face the morning after that she heard me. 

Every. Single. Time.

I was her guardian for two years. I cared for her y’know? I saw how much she trained and studied. I tried to make it easier for her by having fun together, by treating her more like a sister rather than a daughter.

It didn’t fully work. Yeah, sometimes I could see she had genuine fun. But she wanted to grow up too fast, too early. It broke my heart to see her closed off to the world like I had been years prior.

In 2012, they transferred me back to Japan. I barely had time to see Asuka starting college before I was forced to go. I returned to my homeland with a beer belly, a higher rank than what I had when I left and a new car.

My beautiful Alpine A310. 1973 model year. Yeah, it was in a very rough shape when I bought it. Took me nearly all my savings and the better part of the next 3 years to restore.

But the end result was a gorgeous machine that glided on the road unlike any other car I drove.

After my return to Japan, I was properly introduced to Evangelions. The prototype Unit-00 and the test model Unit-01. 

100 meters tall mechanical leviathans purpose-built to kick an angel’s ass.

While I saw parts of them in Germany while they were starting the assembly of Unit-02, I never saw one battle ready. They are immense, let me tell ya.

Unfortunately, they have the tendency to sometimes ‘go rogue’, or Berserk as Rits calls it. Something to do with their complex programming and the neural interface used to pilot them. Or so I’ve been told. It’s not exactly my field of study.

Pretty much impervious to conventional weaponry. Only N2 warheads or nuclear ordnance can damage them.

I also met the First Child on my return. Rei Ayanami.

Beautiful girl. An orphan as far as I know. She lived pretty much her whole life near or inside the Geofront.

She is incredibly withdrawn. And when she stares at you, it almost feels like she’s analyzing you. Almost as if she’s looking at your very soul.

As a final surprise for my return, I discovered a batch of animals that a NERV lab was working on. Some experiment to try and bring back extinct or near-extinct species. Mostly from colder areas of the planet, y’know?

They were going to euthanize them due to lack of funding and lack of results. They even worked on trying to genetically engineer some of them to create new subspecies that had a better chance at surviving in a post-Impact world.

I instantly fell in love with the last remaining animal.

A penguin. Never knew the exact species, but a penguin nonetheless.

He was so. Fucking. Cute. I just had to take him. The lab would have been dismantled in days and the little guy was the last specimen remaining. No one there would miss him.

I didn’t know how to call him. Until one day, he watched a documentary on penguins and tried to say the word. It sounded mangled, but I was tipsy and heard something that I interpreted as ‘pen-pen’.

That’s how from that moment on he became my Pen-Pen. Got him a collar and all. He was happy. In a matter of days he became my best friend in the world. I did have to splurge and get him a special fridge with dedicated thermal control. But it was worth it to see him happy.

Turns out he was far more intelligent than predicted. He definitely understands me when I speak to him. He knows how to use a towel and a bathroom.

I lost count of the times he beat me at chess.

And yeah… he drinks too. Took that from me I guess. But he obviously does it a lot less than I usually do.

Surprisingly, he never gets drunk. Even on my 28th birthday, when he outdrinked me and Rits under the table, he still remained as sober as ever. Who knows what kind of black magic he has in his tiny liver.

I would never consider him ‘just a pet’. To me, he’s family in all but blood. And species.

To this day he remains my first stable anchor in the clusterfuck I call my life.

That brings me to late January 2015. Roughly five months ago.

I had been tasked to retrieve the new pilot. One Ikari Shinji. The son of NERV’s Supreme Commander.

A timid, isolated boy that was effectively drafted to become a teenage soldier and pilot a 100 meters tall robot.

Unfortunately, I went to pick him up when the first angel in 15 years showed up.

Just as my luck would have it, we got caught in the blast of a N2 mine to keep the angel from advancing.

My poor, dear Alpine rolled over a few times while I had to watch from the sides. She had mostly cosmetic damage, but it was the principle of it. Just as she was factory fresh again, she got damaged. Another notch on my hate for the angels.

Still, she ran. Even if the gearbox emitted bad sounds. In 15 minutes we reached the Geofront elevators. Gotta be honest, I’ve been working here for years and I still get lost from time to time.

Once we arrived at the hangars, I had to witness as father and son reunited after years and spent the entire time antagonizing each other. It was heartbreaking to watch.

Shinji wanted a father.

The Commander wanted a soldier.

He wanted Shinji to pilot Unit-01. It was the only one available as our other pilot and Unit were out.

In the end, they wheeled out a heavily injured Ayanami to try and take his place in Unit-01. To this day, I’m still convinced it was a purely manipulative move to try and force Shinji to comply.

No way the Commander would risk Rei in such a way. He almost treats her as a surrogate daughter from what I’ve seen since I got transferred here from Germany years ago.

Just as they brought out Rei, a piece of the ceiling dropped down. Shinji, obviously on instinct, dove at her and tried to shield her.

Only to be shielded in return by Unit-01’s hand. It had moved all on its own. Almost as if it wanted to protect its intended pilot from harm. In my opinion, that was probably what motivated Shinji to pilot.

Saving Rei and Unit-01 responding to him without any input.

Once Shinji was finally inside the plug, he obviously didn’t know anything about piloting. I tried to help him, y’know? Motivated him. Tried to guide him with what I knew about the mental link between EVA and pilot.

He literally couldn’t take a single step without tripping. I didn’t blame him in the slightest. It was his first time in an EVA after all.

Unfortunately, he got overpowered by the angel and passed out mid-fight. Luckily for all of us, his Unit decided to go Berserk and take care of the angel by itself. It was scary to watch as an out of control superweapon destroyed our biggest foe.

Still, I was elated. The first angel in 15 years and we killed it.

Misato 1 : Angels 1

After his first disastrous sortie, there was the tiny matter of where he would live.

It was either living with a guardian or the shabby quarters of the Geofront for him.

Hell, he was willing to live alone just because he didn’t want to burden anyone with his presence.

I wouldn’t accept it. So I decided to take him in.

He was very reluctant at first. Shy to the point that even trying to talk to him, you could see him visibly flinching if you tried to raise your voice.

But… he was grateful, you know? He smiled that cute shy smile of his once I first ushered him in my house.

And then he promptly puked in the bin once he saw the state of my kitchen. Eh. Who can blame him? I barely lived there myself, with my job and all.

That night I invited Rits to share some take-out with us. Just a warm welcome for him in the big city.

The next day he got properly settled in and we tried to organize our schedules and living space.

We of course played ‘rock, paper, scissors’ to divide the chores. I mean… how else would you divide such things, eh?

Cleaning the apartment took a whole day, but by the evening everything was finally spotless.

I promptly inaugurated the newly cleaned house by downing 3 beers in less than an hour. He didn’t like that. I pouted at him.

I got some kind of revenge when he emerged later from the bathroom fully naked and shouting about a ‘weird animal in the bathtub’. I laughed as I saw my darling Pen-Pen casually strolling in front of him and getting his usual nightcap.

For the first two weeks life was good. He cooked, I teased him with some provocative clothing and he started going to school.

Unfortunately, I instantly noticed his lack of friends. No one from his class tried to reach out to him. I even gifted him a mobile phone in case he ever wanted to text or call someone.

But it never rang.

In mid February came his second sortie. Against an angel that frankly, could have taken a less funny form. 

I mean… What the fuck? A dick shaped angel? It must have been some kind of cosmic joke.

By that point in time, he already had some training under his belt. But I could see that he hated everything and went through his simulations like he was an automaton.

During the fight he got whipped and kicked around. It almost looked like he had lost the will to fight.

You know, after the first sortie I tried to motivate him. I showed him the city at sunset, the people he saved by piloting.

I genuinely thought he finally had something to fight for.

But once he was placed in front of the 4th angel, he was barely reacting.

Until he noticed two civilians outside of a nearby shelter. Then he went and tried to defend those two instead of fighting the angel. To try and avoid the distraction, I took the calculated risk of ordering Shinji to take them onboard.

I still don’t know what went through his head in that battle. I just know that I ordered him to fall back and restart the engagement on better terms. He had no umbilical and no backup weapons for fuck’s sake! 

And what did he do? He fucking charged with his progressive blade with mere seconds remaining before his power ran out.

It was the first time I got seriously pissed at him. He wouldn’t pilot. And once he did, he wouldn’t follow orders.

When I reamed him out, he was defeated and completely zombie-like. It got to the point where I started to shout at him.

That night I drank a whole bottle of bourbon by myself and cried until I fell asleep. I felt like shit.

Here he was, fresh out of a battle where he nearly died. And I basically chewed him out for doing his job. A lonely and dejected teenager for crying out loud.

The next morning I woke up and promptly vomited my dinner all over myself as soon as I stood up.

For days he skipped school. I felt guilty of driving him away. It only fueled my drinking. Even talking with Rits didn’t improve my mood.

On the 5th day of school he skipped, I went to check on Shinji’s room before his usual wake up alarm. It was empty. He only left his NERV ID and a note.

For the entire day, I was an emotional wreck. We couldn’t find him anywhere. 

They found him around 22.00 in a field. He was camping with a schoolmate.

Once Section-2 brought him back, I shouted at him. Again.

I… I actually gave him an ultimatum.

He could either pilot or go and scamper off back to where he came from if he kept going with this behaviour.

I basically called him a useless moody boy to his face.

Who the fuck does that?!

Me, evidently. I often lashed out when people didn’t listen to me. And being sober for too long always made me twitchy and irritable.

Combine the two, and I become a right cunt. It gets even worse if I drink while I’m furious.

The next day I woke up with a hangover. Again. 

By mid-morning, I knew I wouldn’t see him again. So I read his goodbye note.

He thanked me for the hospitality, but he would be resigning and going back to his previous home. He added that he came to Tokyo-3 because he wanted to have a family.

I felt even worse than the day before. I managed to drive away a sweet boy and destroy his dream at once.

I couldn’t leave him like this. I needed to at least face him and apologize.

Unfortunately I was too late. I parked at the train station just as his train was leaving.

Visibly saddened, I had to go back to my apartment. But I really wanted to follow him and maybe just talk to him.

I turned once more to the platforms.

And here he was. Standing still in front of the rails where his train left not 2 minutes before.

Elated, I finally approached him.

We stared at each other for a few long moments.

Then he uttered the words that warmed my heart like never before.

“I’m Home”

I cried tears of happiness at his voice. He was back. He actually never left.

He wanted to stay with me, because I was his family.

That was the day that my apartment stopped being a house and started to feel like a home.

A happy penguin. A sweet boy that knows how to cook. And me. A broken woman that finally found another anchor for her unsteady life.

Things were good after that. He made friends. He took his training at NERV seriously and tried to do his best at school.

I even teased him with the full ‘eyebrows wiggle’ the day he had to bring Rei her new ID card. I laughed so hard at his blush.

I mean… he is properly educated. But it was obvious that he was absolutely clueless in interacting with the opposite sex. I positively relished in flustering him by just wearing tank tops and shorts haha.

Now, don’t get me wrong. But if he had been ten years older? I just might have put some moves on him. 

He cooks, he cleans and he’s not overtly arrogant like some other guys. He will be a tasty man once he grows up.

But he’s way too young to even indulge in such thoughts. He’ll be able to find a girl his age and make her very happy once he finally figures out how to not blush in seeing a simple cleavage.

Around the first days of March, a mere day after his ID delivery, the 5th angel made its way into Tokyo-3. A floating octahedron of all things. Weirdly pleasant to look at to be honest. Yet its objective was always the same.

Breach into the Geofront and exterminate us. This time, with a drill that in a matter of a day or so would succeed in its purpose.

Rei had just finished her reactivation with Unit-00 so she couldn’t sortie at the moment.

So Shinji was deployed in 01.

He nearly died. Again.

This time he was almost boiled alive in the plug. The angel concentrated its A.T. Field into a deadly heat ray that could melt pretty much anything in sight. Only by hastily retracting the catapult were we able to keep Shinji alive.

I drained a whole six-pack and two shots of vodka that night. I couldn’t get my nerves to settle. I almost lost him for the 4th time in three months. 

This time he needed to go in ‘the Tube’, as Ritsuko called it, in order to recover from his near death experience. A special LCL based medical device that can repair tissue and nerve damage without leaving scarring. A true marvel of science.

But I had a job to do. So, after a hefty dose of headache medicine the next morning, I devised a daring plan:

Operation Yashima

The angel was too dangerous to approach at close range, so it needed to be taken down outside of its firing radius.

The solution?

A ultra-high powered positron cannon. A prototype years in the making at a JSSDF lab. I knew about it since it was listed as a potential asset to NERV’s operations.

One pilot would use the cannon, the other would use a shield made out of space-grade heat resistant material. 

Shinji had the honor of using the brand new weapon and Rei had to cover him with the shield.

Unfortunately, the cannon required too much energy to simply plug it into the Geofront’s reactors. 

But Japan’s entire electrical grid could cut it.

By the evening, all of the nation was dark. Save for a direct line to our cannon.

At midnight, Shinji fired the first round. It missed because the angel shot its own ‘death ray’ at the same time and the two shots interfered with each other.

Unfortunately, the angel managed to fire again before the cannon could be recharged.

That’s where Rei came into the plan. She used her Eva-sized shield to protect Shinji and the huge gun.

But the shield could only hold for so long. After 15 seconds or so, it was already melting.

Luckily, Shinji fired again.

And this time, it was a bullseye.

Misato 2 : Angels 1

The angel quite literally crashed and burned in the middle of the city. 

Life proceeded as usual afterwards. My teasing towards Shinji became routine. He always flustered at seeing me in provocative clothing. Such a sweet clueless boy.

Then, the dreaded ‘parent visitation day’ came along. Shinji was terrified at the prospect since I, as his guardian, had the responsibility of showing up in place of his parents.

I never told him, but I did read his profile. I know that he lost his mom in a lab accident. I know that mere days after it happened, he was sent to live in the countryside with an old teacher.

I wanted to give him a normal experience. Something all kids his age go through at school.

Being embarrassed by their parents.

So I dressed in my most provocative outfit and visited him at school.

All the boys that discovered hormones positively drooled in seeing me. It somehow made me feel good. Attractive.

Not as a broken alcoholic that can’t cope with her own emotions.

A few days later, it was mid March by that point, Rits relayed to me that the conference hosted by the JHCI was due to happen.

They were to present their answer to the Evangelion program and the Angels problem.

Jet Alone.

Yet another angel-fighting robot. But this one would supposedly get rid of all the flaws of the Eva Units.

No limited power. No human pilot.

No human factor at all. Only pure programming.

Needless to say I was furious at the conference. Ritsuko was weirdly calm about it all.

I mean.. what the fuck?! A robot like that would make my job and Ritsuko’s useless. No pilots to coordinate and no strategies and tactics in play. 

Just deploy and forget.

All pilots would have been benched permanently if this thing got accepted and put in service.

I so wanted to get blackout drunk.

The only reason I didn't was that all hell broke loose once the Jet Alone ‘rebelled’ and decided that the Old Tokyo conference center was a good target to stomp into the ground.

Once more my brain reengaged in full ‘battle mode’ and I requested the deployment of an Eva Unit and the reset code for Jet Alone.

It would kill 2 birds with one stone.

We save the people at the conference and show these suckers that the Evas are the best choice.

Unfortunately, someone needed to sneak into the mainframe on board the Jet Alone and manually reset its programming.

I offered myself since I was the official NERV liaison and a trained military officer.

So, hazmat suit time.

NERV air-dropped Unit-01 and after a daring chase I was placed on Jet Alone’s back.

It was scorching hot inside. Its nuclear reactor was going full tilt and it was approaching a critical state alarmingly fast.

Since apparently I am the embodiment of bad luck, the reset code wouldn’t work. There was only one thing left to do.

The SCRAM had to be performed. And I was the one that had to trigger it manually from inside the mechanoid.

I gently suggested to Shinji to back down and get to safety. He wouldn’t budge. Such a caring boy.

I resigned myself to dying while trying to save the ungrateful ass of the creator of this monstrosity.

Just as I was moving to drop the first control rods, the Jet Alone simply stopped.

The job I had to do was already done.

I was flabbergasted to say the least.

I risked my life to try and solve a problem that solved itself.

Due to the corporate nature of the whole event, it reeked of set-up. I just couldn’t point any fingers.

As per usual, at home I drowned my doubts, my regrets and my emotions with a bottle. Or three.

Up until the last days of March, the routine remained the same.

School, cooking and cleaning for Shinji.

Drinking, overtime at work and sleeping for me. 

Then…

Hurricane Asuka made landfall.

Well, not exactly landfall since we met her on a carrier. But still!

For the occasion, Shinji invited his two school buddies as an excuse to spend some time with them.

The 3 hour flight was dreadful. The seats on the VTOLs are hell on your back, let me tell ya.

Once we landed on the carrier’s deck, I could see a feminine figure dressed in yellow.

To my amusement, after the introductions, a gust of wind swept up Asuka’s dress revealing her panties to the three boys.

She readily slapped them for peeking at her.

Yet I did notice that Shinji’s gaze never left her face. Before and after.

I could instantly tell that he was thoroughly smitten with her. The way his eyes dilated said it all. It was almost as if his brain needed a reboot.

Who can blame him?

It’s easy to see that she got almost everything from her mother’s side.

Kyoko was a beautiful woman. But Asuka grew up to be utterly breathtaking.

When Asuka and Shinji locked eyes, I just knew what my new not-work-related mission would be.

Get these two together. Somehow.

Oh she tried to hide it well. And anyone that doesn’t know her wouldn’t notice.

But I saw her hesitation in breaking eye contact with Shinji. Her saying ‘he’s not much’?

You ain’t fooling anyone, girl. I know how it feels.

But the amusement just had to be ruined.

Kaji was there. Ponytail and all.

7 years since I last saw him and he only got more handsome. I was an idiot when I tried to tell myself that I was over him.

I obviously never was. And probably never will be.

Still, I was there in official capacity. I could not let myself get distracted by the man with the firmest buns I ever had the pleasure to see. Or touch.

His appearance obviously solved the mystery of who got Asuka’s guardianship after me.

I was a little jealous of the way she hung all over his arm. Mostly because she could do it.

With the way I ran from him all those years ago, I forfeited any right I had to be clingy with him.

Yet… the way he spoke to me and Shinji…

I might have been wrong. But he seemed to still be interested.

Whatever.

Again, I had a job to do. Retrieve the Second Child and her Evangelion.

And no ex-boyfriend I’m still in love with or abrasive ship captain would stop me.

After lunch my bad luck struck again.

Another angel attack.

The problem was that we were in the middle of buttfuck nowhere in international waters. And had no water-rated equipment for Unit-02.

Asuka of course had other ideas.

She dragged Shinji into the entry plug and opted to ‘show him how it’s done’.

The fight itself was crazy. They skipped from ship to ship to evade the various leaping attacks of the sea-based angel.

Then, they got dragged underwater. I was terrified.

Not two hours into reuniting with Asuka and I was already losing both her and Shinji.

When they answered my hail and asked for a plan, I was on cloud nine. They were still alive. And apparently willing to fight.

Game on then.

Once more my mind-gears churned out another brilliant plan.

Fishing.

By using the Eva as bait, its umbilical as a line and two Iowa-class battleships as makeshift bombs, we managed to delete the bastard from the face of the Earth.

And where was Kaji, you might ask.

He bailed. Right after the angel showed up.

The utter jerk borrowed a jet and scampered to the Geofront. 

Screw him. He can do all he wants. I won’t care.

Once we made port, we met with Rits for a debriefing. She smirked at me once I told her that Kaji had been on board.

However, she relayed that she monitored the fight with the MAGI remotely.

Apparently, Asuka and Shinji established a new sync record.

And to top it all off? It was the first time in the Evangelion program where two pilots managed to achieve dual-sync. A feat Ritsuko said to be nearly impossible.

I was ecstatic. We finally had three pilots and three Evas, all battle ready. And all three of them would complement each other.

Rei on the long guns.

Shinji as a close range shooter.

Asuka as an unstoppable melee brawler.

Yet, that night I downed gin-enhanced beer until I nearly passed out on the couch. As always, the silence became too loud. 

Between almost losing my pilots again and Kaji’s reappearance and reminder of my feelings for him, my nerves were completely fucked.

And I’m supposed to coordinate pilots and offer them viable battle plans.

I’m a fucking joke.

The week after the 6th angel was somewhat calm. Asuka protested once I told her that she had to attend school as per the terms of her transfer stated.

From what I’ve been told by Shinji, she made a big show of introducing herself like a rockstar.

The 7th angel approached the Tokyo-3 bay not long after. I personally recommended deploying Asuka and Shinji together. I wanted to see if I could replicate their near-impossible feat of dual-sync.

They got their asses kicked in minutes.

She charged like a battering ram with no second thought and he reluctantly followed.

The end result was two Evas half buried in the valley and two halves of the angel temporarily subdued by an N2 mine.

They were understandably angry at each other in the debriefing. Still, I just knew that they would work flawlessly together if they set aside differences and cooperated.

The same day I caught Kaji being all chummy with Ritsuko. I know we are all old college friends. But it still stirred my jealousy seeing him at ease with a woman that was not me. So I promptly made an ass of myself since I couldn’t hide behind false indifference.

I wanted him to leave. He reminded me too much of what I lost. 

Yet I didn’t want him to leave. I missed him and his ridiculous ponytail terribly. Again, I’m a fucking joke.

So, once I asked him what he was still doing there, Kaji told me he had been tasked as an Inspector by the UN. I huffed and stormed away.

But once Ritsuko managed to corner me, she told me that Kaji had a plan for defeating the angel.

Dancing.

Hell. Yeah.

He’s a jerk. No doubt about it.

But I bet my ass that he saw himself the looks Asuka and Shinji threw at each other.

For the plan to work, both pilots had to live and pretty much do everything together. And the training itself entailed both to dance in perfect sync.

So, after the official transfer papers for Asuka were processed, I went shopping. Two matching leotards and music players. The equipment for their training was adapted by Ritsuko from some rhythm-game arcades.

When I got home in the afternoon, I found a war zone. And two bickering teenagers.

Asuka mistakenly interpreted her moving in as Shinji moving out. Oh, girl. How wrong you were.

They both protested and loudly declared that both the move and the battle plan were completely bonkers. I was mildly miffed, but it was great seeing them finally on the same page.

The following week was both hilarious and stressful.

The sleeping arrangements were temporarily modified in order to accommodate the training. The living room and three futons would work.

Obviously I slept between the two. 

I might have wanted them both to get together, but I had to ensure that no funny business occurred during the night.

At first it was funny seeing them both flop around and do their things together. But by the third day I was losing hope.

Foolishly, I thought some takeout for lunch and the added company of Rei and their friends would put them in a better mood.

Mistake number one.

Asuka utterly hated making a spectacle of herself in front of others. 

Exasperated, I let Rei try and take her place. 

Mistake number two.

Rei instantly synced with Shinji. Asuka ran from the apartment.

To my utter bafflement however, Shinji ran after her after some light prodding from the Horaki girl.

Thoroughly defeated, I ushered out the four remaining teenagers and instructed them to not make contact or interfere with the training until the next Monday.

Because they would either show up at school or humanity would no longer be there. But I kept all that to myself.

I could see the animosity the Second child had with the First. I would guess that it was based on how she was ‘beaten’ in syncing with Shinji.

Once both pilots returned in the evening, I could see that they were exhausted and not even speaking. I let them off the hook for the rest of the day.

I drank myself stupid that night. 

Was I really that foolish to think they would work well together?

Was I really that naive to think they would set aside their differences for long enough to not condemn humanity?