Archive of Our Own ^beta

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My hand scribbled across my workbook as I tried to figure out the answer. Why do I even need to know about the parts of cells anyway? No one is gonna need to know about that in a job interview for Subway! Damn.. I feel a tap on my shoulder. It was Charlie, the girl that sat next to me.

"Psst.. behind you." Charlie said, pointing towards Celine. She held an owl necklace to me, giggling.

"Take it.. put it on.." Celine giggled, smiling like she just won the lottery. I tried to refuse, but she insisted, so I just complied. I grabbed the necklace, holding like a strange artifact from old times. I said that I'd clean it off to get rid of 'spells'.. that was stupid.

Eventually, I clipped it around my neck. The girls around me laughed, whispering something about a 'marriage proposal'. The fuck?? Whatever, at least I got a cool necklace that'd go well with a cosplay.. yeah, that's nice.

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I chatted with my friend Eclipse, drawing a rainbow on my poster. There was an assignment for art class to draw a poster for 'Together as One'. Finally an assignment I could tolerate and get finished. The clock it 3:15, and Eclipse had to leave for their van.

"Bye brochato!!" I said, waiting until it was 3:20 so I could leave. I silently played music in my headphones and colored the poster. It wasn't long until I could leave. Before I knew it, the bell rang through the school, and kids crowded the door to go home. I eventually got out and walked toward my locker. Reaching locker 50, I put in the combination.

27..63 (author note, FAKE COMBO).. heh.. 2763 reference.. I thought to myself as I put it in. I heard a voice from behind me. It was Finn, my dearest best friend! (Author note, ik you're reading ts… yo 🥹✌️)

"Hey, yo yo yo!" I said, already smiling, even though I had an injured lip and it hurts to smile.

"Hey, Sk!" Finn said back. "Do you wanna go to the library?" They asked, probably knowing the answer was no.

"Ehh, I'll have to ask my mom." I replied, knowing the answer was probably going to be no.

"Alright." They said. They walked away to their locker. I grabbed my stuff and followed them to locker 61 (I think). I stood behind them, waiting for them to get their stuff. Notes and papers stuck to their locker, making it have more personality than most of the people in the whole school.

Time skip because I'm lazy

I walked across the cement to my mom's white car. It was a nice car and in good shape, but the door handle on the front was missing. I gently opened the door.

"Mom?" I asked. My hands fiddled around with the car door.

"Yes?" My mom asked. "Do you have all your folders?"

"Yes- but.. can me and Finn go to the library today?" I asked her, my eyes already flicking to the library.

"You have school work to do, honey." My mom responded, someone disappointedly.

"I can do it when I come back." I reasoned, secretly desperate for this. It had been a while since me and Finn had hung out at the library..

"Hmm.. you can go to the library with Finn, then." Mom said, accepting defeat.

YES YES FUCK YES I thought, but I didn't dare to put words to it.

Instead what came out of my mouth was: "Thanks, mom!" I stepped into the car, listening to the corny country music from the radio. My little brother, Joe, was sitting in the front seat. We all rode to the library. Mom dropped me off, and there it was. A good day is here for me. Finn was sitting on the bench, eagerly waiting for me.

"Hey, Sk!" They said happily, smiling. They got up and walked to the library doors. I followed, already waiting for the silly events that would ensue.

Time skip please don't throw tomatoes at me

"I think you know what we want.." Finn said to the library assistant. I giggled. Wiggled if you would… hehhhehe

"Library card." The assistant replied. She pulled out a card, smiling at us. Finn grabbed the card and ran to our special computer.

"I swear if anyone took our computer I'm gonna I don't know-" Finn said while I trailed behind. The computer was, in fact, open. I let out a small hum of delight. Finn was already in the chair, logging in. I grabbed one of the blue chairs from a circular table to sit next to them.

"What should we do?" Finn asked me, somewhat sarcastically, since I already knew they had full control of what happened.

"Tacomic. Google." I say, grinning. Of course, like each time, that never happens. Finn instead goes into Discord, TikTok, and YouTube for whatever reason. Not exactly a bad thing, though, since we both laugh ourselves dead. We get told by people in the library around us to "be quiet" and "shush". Do we? Fuck no!! We just laugh a little harder, smile more, and become even better friends.

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I could feel the weight of my problems fully that night. It was very unclear what I should've done then. I remembered everything that happened on THAT day. July 23rd, probably around 2:30 pm. She was supposed to be my friend then. I couldn't even believe what she said. Who'd even say that to someone?? That.. I couldn't bring myself to think farther on the subject. I simply just played more music. Louder. More. Drown it out. Drown out this cruel world that just keeps teasing you with care.

I start humming to a song I remember vaguely, just enough I remember the melody of the chorus.

"Hmm..hmmm-mm-mmm.. hmmm-mm-mmm.." I hum, trying to keep only my music and humming on my mind. A whole pile of work waited for me at school. The least I could do was make this moment feel manageable.

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For me, I've never really felt romantic attraction to anyone. Or sexual attraction. Sure, I could think someone's pretty, think they'd be a good partner to someone else, but I'd never had that burning feeling to have a partner.

I'm sure people around me would say "it's just a phase", "you'll grow out of it", and of course, the classic, "one day you'll find a cute boy and get married and have kids!" Ew. That just didn't ever seem appealing. The process, the fights, the confusion? Not worth my time. Especially all that pressure that would be put on me. I don't find the idea of people constantly asking when they'll get grandkids and when marriage will happen. Not my thing.

That brings me to the main point- I'm aroace. Never wanted what all the couples had. I'm sure I could try romance out if I wanted it, but at this rate? No one is appealing! They all ask me these stupid questions and probably hate me! Don't even get me started on the boys. It's always "67" and making noises and blaming it on ME! ME? THEY'RE THE ONES WHO THREW THAT PENCIL OUT OF THE WINDOW!! Couldn't ever see anything in them if I tried.

I'm not even going to go into much detail about the second part. It just seems like a waste of energy. The risks are there, and there has to be so much trust and feeling to the point it's just insane! Or course, no hatred to the ones who crave it, but it's just not really for me.

If I ever loved someone, it would be unrequited. However much I love writing unrequited love between my characters, it would be torture to endure it in real life. Luckily I won't have to deal with that! Unless I somehow change, which seems unlikely.

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I floated in the water, waiting for the next big wave to occur. I could feel it starting to arrive when I saw a lifeguard lift up a red megaphone. The large wave appeared, threatening to sweep me up in its jaws. I braced for impact. But I made one crucial mistake; I faced away from the wave.

"A single group of wax coded pencils is not a threat, and can be-" I was interrupted by the cruel wave, which unexpectedly dragged me across the pool floor. I mentally screamed. This wasn't how it was supposed to go! Not at all! My head bashed the rough surface, sending a throbbing pain into my nerves. My knees and elbows tried catching my body between the waves, but it was no use. They got scraped up too. Eventually, the water calmed down, and I finally looked up.

My mom looked at me with a very concerned look. I couldn't really feel the pain yet. I could only feel immense shock at what just happened. I got up, suppressing a laugh. I hobbled over to the seats, feeling a stinging pain in my hips. I made it to the chairs and grabbed a towel. I wasn't going back in that pool any time soon!

When I sat down, I got a better look at what happened. My hips were scraped, along with my knees and elbows. I could somewhat feel a pain in my ankles, but that was probably from getting DRAGGED ACROSS THE POOL FLOOR AT LIKE 20 MILES PER HOUR. Anyways, I dried my wet body, pain slowly creeping in. I could feel the pain now, and it would only get more painful from here. This whole pool thing was fun while it lasted!

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Writing, drawing, reading, learning, you name it. I'm part of it, they're all my jobs! For the most part, learning should be my top priority. But it isn't. To my mind, it feels like anything could beat it.

I know I need to learn, it's important! It's the most important thing I'll ever do! But sometimes, it overtakes things I'll actually do in the future. For just one example, my class for careers. I've had a career choice planned since third grade; become a subway worker and an animator/artist. That's it. Just get past school, and I'll be there!

But careers shows 'other opportunities'. But let's face it; I'll never get that far. I'm not getting into a good college. I'm not getting a high-paying job. I'm not making it to the top, and I just know it. I'm setting goals for the minimum, since that's all I'll get to. I sometimes wish these assignments would just go away.

Schoolwork feels like an obstacle rather than a learning opportunity. If I know it, why must I do a 3 page worksheet on it? I did the lesson, it's done, but NOOO, the worksheet is much more important. Worksheets, problems, rewards that'll never come true.

That's what brings me here. The wish to write, make people happy, and to just be happy myself. This has been a full escape from reality, and it's also become my motivation to keep trying, to keep impressing others. If I could, I would show all my answers through a quick story.

That's how I was made. To create, to have freedom. To be happy. And I'll get it, and I'll keep trying! I just got a get through a roadblock and I'll be complete.

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What happened yesterday? I don't know, probably nothing important. I can't remember the last time I felt that life was actually good. Writing helped me, then I became an unmotivated mess and lost half of my interest in it.

When did this start? Probably back in July. At summer camp. I never want to remember what she said. What she did. It's left a noticable mark on my whole being, flinching away when anyone gets a bit too close to my body. Never really feeling safe. Like anyone could betray you at any moment. Trust was valuable now. I couldn't just give it out freely.

Missing work? I've got quite a bit. I hoped I could finally get it together, to finally be free. Wanna know what happened? Before I even got started, the day was finished, and the assignment was missing. Missing is an interesting word. It's used to describe something that is gone but isn't really gone. Like a book your family donated to another person. It was gone, you might want it back, but it couldn't be retrieved without a fight. I think something's missing.

I just can't tell what that something is. It might be happiness. It might be luck. It might just be my youth and hope closing itself out.

But others have it worse. I can't talk when they're suffering. Shouldn't even post this, but I might as well. My legacy is already cemented in hatred and agony, why not throw selfishness in there too?

Everything I can say has already been spoken.

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Animals.

They seem so normal. Nothing to worry about. No big responsibility that always looms above you. No one to yell at you when you try to speak. So free.

I wish I was one of these animals. All the time. I'd miss a bunch of things, but I wouldn't mind. I'd lose the pain that drags behind me every day. Every time I set foot into my house. But I wouldn't be able to write.

But why would I need to? Writing was the one thing keeping me sane. If I was an animal, I wouldn't need an anchor keeping me alive. I'm already an animal, but not one I wish I was.

I could have got it good. I could have had it better. I don't need sympathy, I WON'T NEED ANYTHING.

I DON'T NEED ANYTHING. I DON'T NEED IT. I DON'T NEED THIS WORK, I DON'T NEED THIS SCHOOL, I DON'T NEED THIS HOUSE. I don't need this pitiful excuse of a life. Is it worth it?

To see the next full moon?

To see the next weekend?

It might be. They need me. Probably. I'll at least stay to find out. Don't be concerned. Don't worry. It'll be okay. I believe.

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The birds will always sing

Until one of them dies

They still keep singing

But the joy is all lies

The dead one won't sing

For the rest of time

And the feeling of grief

Is enough to cause a ring

The ringing won't stop

Until someone finds the cause

But by the time it's found

It'll be too late

Because the ringing was just for you.

The other birds won't understand

But some will bow their heads

Holding respect for the friends

That kept them intact.

The bird can't sing

And the others won't try

But eventually after a while

The songs will return

After the sadness had been conquered

It still doesn't make up

For the one empty nest

Which holds old feathers

And hidden problems

Which had been buried deep

Until the mind was buried too.