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“Erwin, we were looking everywhere-“ her voice, that is beginning to become a soothing constant in his life, pauses as Dani’s hand comes to rest on his shoulder. “You okay?”
He swallows back the tears once more and turns to face her with a raised eyebrow. “You were looking for me?”
He hardly expected anyone to be around- it’s why he is here in the school house, spending his first birthday alone in the musty room. It is the closest he can get to spending it with his father, even if it is a ghost of a memory. Even if his mistake cost him his father- all so the government could ensure the peace and prosperity continued.
She tilts her head slightly, golden eyes scanning him over for some sign of a joke. “Seriously? Didn’t you get my letter?”
He shakes his head, trying to piece together what might have brought her here.
“So, you’re telling me I went through the effort of practicing my letters only for it to not reach you? See, this is why I didn’t learn to write in the first place! What’s the point of learning a different form of communication if it doesn’t even reach the person, huh?”
“You wrote me?” It comes a shock. The times he tried to work with her on her penmanship as she bemoaned the entire process- doing everything it took to not sit down and learn that he had been afraid to tell Chief he would be unable to actually teach her.
“Yeah!” She throws up her hands in exasperation. “I actually put effort into it, making it all fancy and shit for you, only to find out you didn’t get to see all your hard work payoff!” Dani huffs and looks around the room, distracted from her tirade as he can practically see the cogs in her mind wheeling as they piece together this place. The frustration fades from her face and relaxes into cautious understanding. “Your dad’s school house?”
Erwin can feel the heat rush to his cheeks as he nods, crossing his arms over his chest as he prepares himself for questions.
“It’s a bit of a shit-hole now, isn’t it?” Her words remind him of their first interaction less than a year ago- it had been brisk and jarring, but he found her words and tone sometimes failed to reflect the underlying emotion behind it all. “You’re choosing to spend a beautiful day inside some neglected place conveniently forgotten by the district’s lords instead of being outside?”
“It’s my birthday,” he admits, knowing she would drag this conversation out if he didn’t head her off. “It’s the first one on my own, and I suppose I just wanted to not be alone.”
Dani purses her lips to hide a smirk. “Hmm, yes, spiders do make great companions. Great conversationalists, I’ve heard.”
“Is there a point to your sarcasm, Dani?”
“Yes, it’s to get you out of your cruddy mood and get going! We’re going to be late! I’m just laying out your choices: spend your birthday chatting to ghosties and spiders, or spend time with me and a bunch of folks that care about you.”
Like the scales of justice, she holds out her hands on either side of her, rocking side to side with the imaginary weight of his choices. Erwin reaches out and catches her wrist mid-drop to halt the movement.
“You never did say where we were going- that’s hardly enough to sway a choice. Maybe spiders would be the perfect birthday companions.” Already, his glum mood is starting to crack as a small smile accompanies his counterpoint.
“If you read my letter, you would know! I worked hard on it- even drew little depictions of what to expect and everything.” Her hands come to rest on her hips, and only now does Erwin realize she’s exchanged her usual trousers and blouse for a brightly colored dress with an ornate silk shawl, its bead work and ribboned tassels, styled to match the patterns on her dress. A headband in complementary colors wrapped around the top of her forehead, and tucked in to the back of it was a medium-sized white feather.
“I’m hazarding a guess that is has something to do with why you’re unphased by wearing a dress for once?”
She quirks an eyebrow and grabs him by the arm as she starts to walk them both out of the hall of shadows and into the light. “Give the birthday boy a medal, ladies and gentleman, he’s got jokes as well as brains.”
Erwin soon falls into step beside Dani, taking note of the strange looks that are thrown their way as she moves through the throngs of people to an undisclosed location, and it’s her confidence that finally shatters the gloom that had been hanging over him like a cloud. He may not know what she has planned, but he’s happy to be celebrating his birthday with an adventure.
From his position in the periphery of the circle that enclosed drummers and dancers alike, Erwin looks on as people from the four Circles within the walls dance in time with the beat of the drum. He catches he breath, taking a breather from the dancing after participating for several songs- the initial trepidation of joining in had quickly morphed into matched exuberance as Dani, Chief, Nevin and a host of others helped to teach him basic steps he could use, giving him the assurance that with time and practice, he could improve to making more complex steps.
Intricate and minute steps that seemed rapid and chaotic to the untrained eye- each dancer with their own footwork- somehow comes together as a one organism with a single heart beat as they danced in a circle around the drummers and singers. It is a stark contrast to the waltzes he’s seen and read about, but no less controlled. Shades of greens, blues, purples, pinks, yellows- and all of the colors in between- weave a colorful tapestry of community, with joy and celebration of life on full display.
His eyes land on Dani, the footwork moving with such speed it makes him both dizzy and transfixed as she somehow keeps progressing forward with the tiers of gold cones jingling an matching beat. She wears a broad smile, unforced and genuine as she floats around the circle, and he finds himself transfixed by the grace she usually tries to hide on full display. It is as though he is seeing the world as it could be, free and unburdened by troubles.
But as is the way of the world, the song comes to an end, and the dancers and drummers still and await the Master of Ceremonies to announce the upcoming activities. Most of the audience quiets to hear the elder speak, but true to form, Dani pops up beside him and gives him a nudge, jutting her chin in the direction she wants to take.
The voice of the elder fades to the background as they walk away from the grassy arena just outside the district gate before she stops in an area just out of view from any onlookers.
“Seeing as it’s your birthday, and people give gifts or whatever on birthdays, I made you something,” Dani’s words stumble over themselves as she looks everywhere but him, keeping an eye out for any potential witnesses to this exchange. It’s comical, in a way, for Erwin to see her so evidently out of her comfort zone.
Still, he didn’t expect any presents. Being brought to powwow had been more than he expected this morning, as far as birthday activities went.
“You didn’t need to do that. You and your family have given me plenty today-“
“Shh” her eyes finally meet his, shining with the smile she can’t bring herself to make as she purses her lips. “You’ll ruin it. Let me do this.” Dani sighs and runs a hand over her brow while the other remains behind her back. “I wanted to make you something. I don’t know what it’s like to be completely without family on a day that’s supposed to be happy, but I can only imagine it makes the world feel dull and heavy- I saw that much when I found you this morning, and, I don’t know, I guess I wanted to try and make it feel like you don’t ever have to be alone. Or, whatever. Just… here.”
She stops her rambling and shoves a hastily wrapped present into his hands before looking away, her teeth tugging at her bottom lip nervously.
With careful hands, Erwin undoes the twine that keeps the crumpled colored gauze around the present before removing the rough and sheer fabric until a leather-bound journal is revealed, dyed a deep blue and adorned with beads to look like the night sky.
“You did all of this today?” he asked skeptically, as he examines the book with a careful eye at each stitch and mark made onto the leather.
“Well, I made the notebook bit earlier, but I did the bead work today, as well as the inscription inside- you know, since you never saw my letter.”
Erwin recalls the times he was trying to get her to sit down and focus, but her attention was drawn to sewing the leather onto the cover of a blank notebook. At the time, he figured it was just another way to keep from doing an activity in which she had no interest-
“I had been working on this as a gift to thank you after all of the lessons, since I noticed you really like writing, and your notebook was almost filled, but then you said it was your birthday so I figured rather than wait ages for me to master writing, I’d finish it up now and get it to you…”
As Dani continues to ramble, nervously awaiting his reaction, words fail as tears threaten to surface again, but this time, they are tears of gratitude and a full heart. He flips open the book to the first page where, with clumsy but cautious with its effort, Dani had penned words:
Okla e maya momakma, tamaha chito okla imihaski tuko i foni aiyokli ahoba hapaiachi kiyo. Okla e maya momakma, napakanli, micha iti, micha nan vpi ahoba osh ohmi tamaha chito okla imihaksi tukon okla il vbachike.Yakni i natanna ibachvffa hosh okla il ilai acholi tuk. Hapi fiopa ya, shotik chinto okla il itibani tuk.
‘When we remain, we will not be like the beautiful bones of a forgotten city. When we remain, we will be the flowers and the trees and the vines that overcome the forgotten city. We have woven ourselves into the cloth of the earth. We have mixed our breath into the expanding sky.’
“It’s the words and translation to a song my grandmother used to sing to Nev and me after our mother passed. It never failed to bring us peace I know it’s not much, but happy birthday. My wish is that every time you look at this, you remember you are never alone. Even our lost ones are here with us.”
Two beats of silence pass before Erwin breaks into a smile and pulls Dani into a tight hug. Despite the initial stiffness and reluctance with which she receives the hug, hands frozen outstretched in shock, she eventually relaxes and returns the hug. The unspoken emotions, the grief and relief in not being as alone as he thinks, are conferred through their embrace.
It surprises her, not when his shoulders slightly shake as he silently lets out the tears he had been holding back all day, but when her own eyes prickle with the stinging heat. And rather than pull away from the hug, Dani stands her ground, enduring and welcoming it because something about him that is strange but it calls to her, plucking a similar chord that had been urging her all year to stay by his side. Something that tells her they are sailing in the same direction, a life line tethered to their bows.
She remembers the first birthday she spent without her mother. It was like walking through someone else’s dream: everything felt removed and foreign. The profound loneliness that comes with the loss of a loved one made the colors muted. Made the world seem colder and harsher. So, if a hug helped to bring some comfort to him, she gladly accepts it and their shared silence. It is the second thing that surprises her: it is unfamiliar, but not uncomfortable.
“Thank you,” Erwin’s words are barely above a whisper. “This means more than you know. I will treasure it.”
Her cheeks flush as a tear finally breaks through the barrier she erected, and she quickly pushes him away, saying jokingly, “Tch, gross, don’t go getting all sentimental on me and shit. It’s just some notebook.” She turns away briefly to wipe away the evidence of the betraying tear before turning back to him with a smirk, only to find him mirroring it, an arched eyebrow telling her he knew what she tried to hide.
Dani expects him to call her out- a form of retribution for all of the teasing she threw his way today- but he doesn’t. Instead, he merely chuckles and shrugs. “All the same, thank you.” He walks past her to return to the gathering, leaving Dani alone to sort out her thoughts.