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To say that Occtis was “having a rough day” would be an understatement. It was more like he was having a never ending nightmare of a week that he wished was over already.
After the execution of Thjazi and the absolute failure of their rescue plan, Occtis had hyper focused on one thing and one thing only: what went wrong.
He focused hard on dissecting “the plan”. On trying to imagine all of the variables in a way that made the world seem less likely to suffocate him.
Repeating to himself to focus on what could be done differently next time.
Though, he really hoped there was no next time. Yet, as they continued to investigate what was happening in this infernal city, he wasn’t so sure that there wouldn’t be a next time.
So, he questioned. He turned his questions over and over in his mind like a puzzle box.
It kept the raging emotions at bay.
Then came the revelations of poor Thimble, of betrayal, of Azune’s misinterpretation of the fake glyph, of more failure.
Then there were the new people, new names, new allies, and new information.
It was beginning to swim before him like small waves lapping at his sanity.
He already didn’t like new people as it was: now, he was surrounded by half a dozen adults, some of whom were twice his age, who questioned him for answers. All the while not giving him the decency of being recognized as truly one of them.
The knowledge he had been desperate to gain was beginning to fray his mind like a thread in a tapestry.
The first night, instead of sleeping, or laying and letting the waves of anxiety overtake him, he had forced his consciousness into Pin.
It calmed him to be inside Pin. The little fox helped him to see what was in front of him.
Pin, undead and magic based being though he was, cared deeply for Occtis. In a way, Pin was the only real family Occtis had. His relationship with Thaisha was still too new and fresh with the opportunity to disappoint her. And Shapers knew his blood family hated him.
For five years, it had really been just he and Pin against the world.
So, like so many other long and restless nights, instead of sleeping he watched over Thimble through Pin’s eyes.
At one point during the night, Pin tried to go to sleep, thus in Pins mind, making Occtis sleep. Pin had tried to force Occtis to do many things in this manner before. Like eating something even when he didn’t need to eat, in the hopes that it would somehow reach Occtis. It was the thought that counted and it always made his heart swell.
Pin’s attempt to sleep for him would’ve made Occtis laugh but then fox’s attention had been pulled back to awareness by a sobbing pixie.
Both of them watched her with an unblinking stare for the rest of the night: never moving and never sleeping.
Sleep was overrated anyway.
Then the morning came.
More specifically, Kattigan came.
That was...interesting to say the least.
Occtis wasn’t sure if he trusted the man. He wasn’t even sure if he liked him. But he knew Wulfric.
And Wulfric loved Pin.
The two played for hours in the sun, chased like mating rabbits, and the large wolf even carefully groomed the little fox. All of the books he’d read on wolf mating habits seemed to support that the two were dating: at the very least.
Occtis found that he was slightly jealous of Pin.
Wulfric seemed to understand that Pin wasn’t quite alive, but he also seemed not to care.
Occtis wished that he could have what Pin did. To be cared for without conditions.
It seemed like that could possibly be the case with Kattigan. He understood Occtis was odd, strange, and filled with anxiety. Yet, he didn’t care. He didn’t baby him like Thaisha.
But he didn’t demand unreasonable action from him, like his father, either.
Overall, Occtis was starting to like Kattigan: against his better judgement. Almost as much as he liked Azune.
Azune.
The two of them had interacted a few times due to “the plan” and Azune had always treated him like an equal. To Azune, they were now brothers in arms: even if Occtis hadn’t fought in the Falconers Rebellion or the War of Axe and Vine.
That respect, though, it coated Occtis like a warm blanket. It made him want to burry himself into the arcane marshal’s arms while Kattigan told some ridiculous story.
Occtis understood that was never going to happen in a thousand years.
Don’t even get him started on his thoughts on Teor.
He knew there was no way that was happening.
Yet, Occtis longed for them.
He wasn’t sure if it was romantic or platonic or some odd intimate in between. Yet, his thoughts kept straying to the three of them.
He longed for their warmth. For their strength.
He really wished he had that now as he lay in an alley outside of Hal’s home.
Day three was really kicking him where it hurt.
The day prior, Thimble, Kattigan, and he had gone for information and ended up with a half dozen dead bodies.
Occtis wasn’t certain how he got from there to a back alley of the Rookery.
The chain of events seemed to blur as tears filled his vision.
The group of them had fought the Crow Keepers and won: though not without making some noise. They had cleaned up and then they had all retreated and gone back to Hal’s.
That, Occtis realized, had been a mistake.
Nearly a half hour after they had arrived, Azune had stormed in with Teor. Anger and fear clear on their faces. Thaisha was yelling: yelling that they had put Occtis in danger.
He’s just a child!
He had heard Kattigan shout how Occtis had taken down two men all by himself without hardly a scratch but that hadn’t negated Thaisha’s anger.
More people came.
More yelling.
Murray came in with Bolaire. Their own news about that strange coffin being placed on the
back burner because of Occtis.
Because his father was looking for him.
His family was hunting him down to drag him back to that horrible place. Most likely to torture him and then kill him. Or, if he was lucky they’d just kill him outright.
It should’ve filled him with dread: to know he was being hunted in this way.
But all Occtis could hear was Thaisha’s words: he’s just a child.
Child.
Child.
Just a Child.
Too young to be of any use to the men he was desperately trying to impress. And too old to go to them to be comforted.
Occtis felt Pin lick at his face and nudge at his head.
He was going to spiral.
He was weak. Just like his father had told him.
Occtis shook his head in an attempt to clear it. By the time that he had managed to calm slightly, they had all decided to think everything over till morning.
They had decided.
They had talked about giving him back but shouted down by the soldiers and Thaisha. Though, even Hal had debated for a moment.
Still, the men he cared for had fought for him. That made him feel a little better.
But no one had even talked to him throughout the whole discussion.
They had just decided.
No one even seemed to notice he was still in the room.
Though, he could’ve sworn that he felt Azune and Kattigan glancing at him. Their eyes seemed to burn through his clothing. It used to bring a flush to his cheeks. Now, it brought shame.
He hadn’t said a single word to anyone. He hadn’t defended himself.
All that bravery from the fight was gone. He had fought. Stranger still he had won. He had earned respect from Kattigan!
He should be on top of the world and thinking some very interesting thoughts about them being alone.
Instead, all he could think about was how Thaisha was sheparding him up to her room.
How she checked him like a mother hen, clicking her tongue, talking so fast it was just noise.
He didn’t speak. He couldn’t. He just did as he was told.
Undress.
Go to bed.
Occtis went into Pin instead. The little fox had slipped down stairs and was curled up with Wulfric. Kattigan, Teor, and Azune were all speaking in hushed tones.
Occtis strained to hear them but Wulfric seemed to know that Pin was more than just Pin. The large wolf pulled the fox close and started grooming him. Occtis could feel the warmth. He felt the joy and peace from it. He also understood the wolf’s intent of trying to distract them.
Distantly, Occits wondered if the two could somehow communicate beyond body language.
It would make more sense as to why Wulfric was nearly crushing Pin in an attempt to keep
Occtis from hearing the conversation.
But he could still hear enough.
“What are we gonna do with him?” questioned Azune.
“The boys got to be taught some better defenses,” Kattigan sighed. “He did so well! But
he’s to reliant on magic. I can teach him a few things but...”
“But it won’t keep him safe,” sighed Azune. “I can’t do anything against it! Not as a marshal or a solider. He’s his father! And Occtis is a Techonis.”
“Does that mean we cannot help someone who obviously is terrifed of their family? He didn’t even say a word earlier.” questioned Teor.
“Can tell ya this, I hate how all these fools just up and decided for him. Murrary wanted to give him
back!” shouted Kattigan.
“We may not have a choice Kat,” sighed Azune.
“If his father showed up right now, what would you do?” questioned Teor.
The pause was too much.
Occtis couldn’t take the answer.
He desperately wanted answers but he couldn’t bare to hear them say they’d give him up.
So, he slipped out of Pin and into Thaisha’s dark bedroom. He could hear her sleeping. Occtis sighed and covered his face while his mind railed.
Weak.
Innocent.
Slow.
Vulnerable.
A liability.
Unwanted.
Not needed.
The words from the earlier conversation trickled back through his mind like sour honey.
They picked up speed along with his breathing.
Occtis knew on some level that they were right. He knew he was the weak link.
Yet, he wanted so desperately to be chosen.
To be chosen over power. Over duty. Over fear.
He’d never been chosen in his life.
But the three men downstairs couldn’t even bring themselves to try. He knew they would do whatever they could to preserve the rest of the mission.
Thjazi’s mission.
Thjazi had picked him.
He’d picked him because he was young, impressionable, and had the last name of a Sundered House. He was disposable.
He was the weak link. Always had been. Always would be.
Occtis slowly rose and as quietly has he could, grabbed his clothes and slipped out of Thaisha’s room. With his worn shoes in his hand, he slipped down the stairs and paused to see if the three men were still talking.
It seemed like Occtis had waited long enough as they were all now sleeping on various chairs of the Fang home. Kattigan was on the floor next to Wulfric and Pin.
Occtis felt his heart clench.
Poor Pin.
He didn’t want to separate the little fox from his wolf.
But Occtis needed Pin.
He was all he had.
I can always call him later, he thought.
Occtis slowly made his way to the cracked open window. He dropped down as quietly as he could. His heart beating quickly while breaking at the same time. He had wanted
someone to stop him. To tell him that he was mad. That he was wanted. That strength could come in any form.
But no one heard him. No one was awake enough to stop him.
So, Occtis of House Techonis, put on his shoes and slipped out onto the winding streets of the Rookery with only the clothes on his back and his spell book.
And immediately got lost.
How he got lost immediately was beyond him. He knew where the main street was but he had thought he saw some arcane marshals on patrol, so he’d ducked into an alley. He must have turned wrong coming out of it.
He was going uphill, not down.
Turning around, Occtis sighed when his stomach growled. He hadn’t eaten or taken anything from the kitchen when he left. He didn’t want to steal from Hal anyway but he honestly hadn’t thought this far.
He hadn’t thought about running again. About what that would mean.
As Occtis passed by the same house for the fourth time, he gave up.
Ducking into an alley, he sat down and sighed.
He wished he had Pin.
“Hello there pretty thing,” came a dark voice from the front of the alley.
Occtis’s head shot up.
A human man, clearly drunk, and with the markings of House Halovar sauntered towards
him.
“How much for a night?” the man slurred.
Disgust wrinkled Occtis’s features.
“I’m not for sale,” he whispered.
The man just laughed.
“Everything’s for sale,” he said, wobbling slightly. “If not for me, then I can sell ya to someone else.”
Occtis felt his blood turn to ice. He needed to run.
Yet, in the back of his mind, he couldn’t believe how horrid his luck was. He had left the Fang home only an hour unsupervised and he was already in trouble.
He really was hopeless.
The man lunged at Occtis with unexpected speed. Hand around his throat. Occtis choked as he tried to cast a spell.
The man grabbed his spell hand, holding it firm.
Desperately, he recalled Kattigan’s words from earlier. The man had shouted instructions during the earlier fight. Occtis jammed his knee upward, gasping as he was released and ran back through the alley until he found himself, ironically, at the back entrance of the Fang family home.
Occtis had to laugh.
Some escape this turned out to be.
He sat down in the dusty alley once more and felt himself beginning to spiral once more.
His breathing came in ragged pants as tears pricked his eyes. He couldn’t seem to stop.
Weak.
Innocent.
Slow.
Vulnerable.
A liability.
Unwanted.
Not needed.
Everything’s for sale.
Hopeless.
Unlovable.
Fool.
He heard every word as it had been sighed, spat, screamed, and purred at him.
They rang as loud and as clear as the first time he had heard them. He couldn’t even think of any good thing someone had said about him.
It was always how he was a child.
How he didn’t belong.
How he was different.
No one had praised his efforts. Even the Penteveril professors looked at him with distaste.
Necromancy wasn’t well thought of, even without the Shapers.
Occtis couldn’t breathe.
Distantly, he realized he was hyperventilating. He knew he needed to take long breaths and calm down.
But every breath brought another slight.
His mind showed him Thjazi lying on Hal’s table, surrounded by loved ones.
With a laugh, Occtis realized the only one who would mourn him would be Pin.
So here Occtis sat, in a back alley, alone and cold, laughing, gasping, not breathing.
Occtis couldn’t breathe.
He realized, green eye going wide, that he had stopped being able to drag in air. His lungs burned.
He was crying.
He was laughing.
He was gasping.
He was dying.
Something soft and heavy barreled into Occtis as he tried to draw in breath. He could vaguely make out noise but it seemed so far away.
He felt a large hand touch his shoulder.
He recoiled away from the touch and tried to back away before he hit the rough stone of the alley.
Everything’s for sale.
He was gonna die.
Occtis had never feared death but he didn’t want it like this.
Occtis tried to see, vision blurred by tears. All he could make out in the darkness were vague shapes.
Suddenly, the full weight of a grown man pressed him into the ground and covered his mouth and nose. The hand smelled like the forest and wolf. A deep growling voice cut through all of the noise in his head.
“Breathe, lad! In.”
Kattigan?
Occtis tried to explain he couldn’t draw in breath with his face covered but no sound came and the hand didn’t move.
Until suddenly it did.
Air rushed in before it was snuffed out again by that same hand.
“In and out. Nice and easy.”
Azune?
The soft and melodic tone was so different from the growling weight of Kattigan. Occtis, with distant clarity, realized what the two were doing.
It made him cry again.
They were trying to force his breathing to regulate.
Cut off air. Force it in. Cut it off.
In.
Out.
In and out.
The last thing Occtis thought before darkness over came him, was that maybe, someone cared afterall.
Occtis woke to pounding in his head and a heavy weight on his chest.
Blearily, he opened his eyes and looked eye to eye with a wolf.
Not just a wolf, Kattigan’s wolf.
Occtis started to splutter when a long tongue began to lick his cheek and hair.
The wolf was grooming him.
He had to laugh.
The sound seemed raw to his ears but it made something else move on the bed.
White fur and purple buttons filled his vision.
“Pin” he smiled. “Get him off me.”
Pin yipped happily and proceeded to lay on his head: mimic Wulfric’s grooming.
“Really?” he sighed before giving up the fight.
As he settled, Occtis realized he was in a bed. Not the alley he had collapsed in.
Oh please don’t let it be Thaisha’s room.
Occtis couldn’t handle more coddling. Or the lecture. Or a beating. He was sure one of those was coming but he didn’t want to face any. He just wanted to curl into a ball and never be seen again.
Wulfric let out a low growling huff and Pin whined against his head.
Occtis wondered what had set them off until he heard the sounds of heavy foot falls.
“This is why you’re not a healer. You’re crushing him. Off,” came the amused tone of Kattigan.
Yet, as Wulfric moved, it was Azune’s face that kneeled down beside the bed.
“Easy Occtis,” soothed Azune, hand gasping his shoulder gently. “You passed out. We brought you to Teor’s room at one of the taverns. Bette than my barracks and…well, a lot better than Kattigan’s tree.”
“It’s a very comfortable tree thank you,” scoffed Kattigan.
Occtis would’ve laughed had he thought this wasn’t a dream.
This had to be a dream. He couldn’t bare for it not to be.
The thought that these men had found him and brought him to a safe place was too much.
Yet, as he continued to blink, the men stayed.
Azune watched him with a soft and concerned expression.
Kattigan looked tense. He looked like he wanted to pace but was remaining still and solid.
Occtis couldn’t understand.
“Why’d…aghm,” he cleared his dry and glassy throat. “Why’d you help me? How did you even know I was out there?”
“The two a them found ya,” said Kattigan, nodding to the two animals laying on the bed. “Wulfric tried to help you by knocking into you. He does that for me when I get…like I do. Your little fox ran in and bit our ankles till we followed.”
Occtis knew he’d have to scold Pin for the bitting later. He’d let it slide for now.
“Occtis,” Azune called his attention back to him. Occtis couldn’t help but stare at those beautiful sunset eyes. “I have to ask. Were you injured earlier? With Thimble and Kattigan?”
As best as he could while laying down, Occtis tilted his head.
“Is this new?” Azune questioned, pointing to his own neck.
Occtis reached up and gingerly touched his throat.
It was bruised: badly.
Everything’s for sale.
Occtis squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again.
He had half a mind to say he was fine. The words were half way out before he was stopped by the looks the two men gave him.
“I…went out for air,” Occtis said, hoping it was believable. Pin sneezed. “A guy was drunk and tried t-t-to…he didn’t like l said no. So…I-I hit him and ran back.”
“Know what he looks like?” growled Kattigan.
Occtis shook he head and felt a pulse of something when he saw how dark Azune’s eyes had gotten as well.
“I’m fine,” said Occtis before he moved to sit up.
And utterly failed.
Kattigan snorted.
“When’s the last time you slept?” questioned Azune.
“Tonight…well…a bit,” he lied.
Pin yipped and growled.
Traitor.
“Wanna change that answer?” smiled Kattigan.
Occtis signed.
“Three days ago,” he relented.
The two men didn’t say anything. Occtis waited for the lecture. Instead, the two shared a look before Azune helped him to sit up and drink.
“I need to ask a few questions,” said Azune firmly.
Occtis nodded gingerly as Teor came into the room.
“He won’t answer truthfully,” sighed the Nama.
Occtis spluttered.
“You don’t know that,” said Azune.
“Tell me Occtis,” said Teor firmly but with a gentle understanding that made his heart flutter.“ Did you plan on retuning to the house when you left?”
Occtis tried not to flinch. He held the Nama’s golden gaze.
“Yes,” he lied.
Pin and Wulfric sneezed.
“Well shit,” sighed Azune.
“As I thought,” said Teor. “Let’s try again, shall we.”
As he spoke, a pulse of magic landed over Occtis.
Did he just cast zone of truth?!
Occtis huffed in annoyance. Then the anxiety began to take hold.
They’d know.
He’d tell them about his crush.
About how weak he was.
Oh this wasn’t good.
Occtis felt his breath increase once more.
Azune’s firm hand landed on his shoulder.
“Peace,” he breathed. “Let us go first. This affects us as well.”
Occtis focused on slowing he breathing.
In
Out
“We care about you,” said Azune.
Occtis couldn’t breathe…but for an entirely different reason.
“We care about your health and your heart,” he said firmly.
“We’ve only know each other for a short time now but, well, you don’t need long to know when there is attraction.” said Teor.
“Or connection,” added Kattigan. “We’re not saying we should jump right into the sack but we care about you lad. And if some one hurt you…”
Wulfric hopped off the bed and nudged at Kattigan’s side.
“Even if that person is us,” clarified Azune. “We want to know. The spell is purely to help with all of our tendencies to…smooth things over. We’ll never be able to help you that way.”
Occtis couldn’t believe his luck. He couldn’t understand how this wasn’t a dream.
Yet, he could feel the cool sheets, the warmth radiating from Azune, the softness of Pins fur.
It wasn’t a dream.
They cared.
Someone cared.
He mattered.
Tears slid down Occtis’s cheeks as he told what happened. The spell nudged him to speak true and to not leave out details.
From his night guarding Thimble, to the discussion of his involvement, to the man in the alley, to his own inner thoughts.
He spoke every word out loud and prayed this would be the last time that he spoke to these men.
Occtis thinks he mentioned that at one point.
At another, Pin had joined him as a comforting weight.
By the end, Kattigan had joined him on the bed, strong arms holding him tight against his chest. Azune was holding his face in his hands, while Teor looked on with a sad realization.
“Occtis, baby, look at me,” Azune said softly, guiding him to look.
Occtis looked with a wearied beyond his years.
“We’re not leaving you,” said Azune firmly, tears dusting his lower lashes. “And…no one…no o-one, is taking you from us without a fight.”
Occtis felt his heart leap with joy. But his body had given out.
He was so tired.
“Sleep kitten,” said Teor. “We will be here when you wake. We can talk more then.”
Occtis nodded and had two horrifying thoughts at once.
“What about Thaisha?” he spluttered. “I just up and left…”
“I sent a message to Boliare,” said Azune, running a hand through Occtis hair. “He will tell the others. All he knows is you needed some air. We took you to Teor’s room a bit of space.”
Occtis relaxed into Kattigan’s hold.
The other thought…
Pin nipped at his toe.
“Ow! Alright!” he scolded. “Would…w-w…that is…could…”
“Well, I’m going to sleep,” yawned Kattigan.
In the blink of an eye, Occtis was pulled down to the mattress and gently wrapped in Kattigan’s warm embrace.
“That it, your hogging him,” scowled Azune.
He kicked at Kattigan’s legs before slotting himself into the space between Occtis’s own, and throwing an arm across his front.
“I leave you alone for a little while and you forget how to share,” tutted Teor.
“Twelve years,” scolded Azune.
“Long time,” yawned Kattigan.
“But worth it now,” sighed Teor as he scooted them all forward.
With the ease of a lion, he wrapped his big body around their heads, the warmth radiating from them all was intoxicating.
Occtis knew they would regret sleeping in their clothes come morning but he couldn’t bare to move.
For the first time, he looked forward to sleep as he was lulled by the soft sounds of these warriors relaxed breathing. Occtis not only looked forward to sleep but he looked forward to waking.
They cared for him.
As his eyes drifted closed, we could hear Azune murmuring words in his ear.
Soothing words that repaired the frayed edges of his tattered mind.
You are intelligent.
You are strong.
You are beautiful.
You are kind.
You are our equal.
You are loved.
Know this with every breath.
Occtis drifted off to sleep as his nightmare finally came to an end.