Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Matsuda knows what he’s good for.

Now obviously that sounds tense, he knows that, but it’s painfully clear. 

When he first received the news that he was switching departments, he couldn’t help but feel like he failed at what he thought he was good at. Kind of tricky, isn’t it?

It didn’t really matter anyway, it’s not like he had a say. Which he’s lying, he does have a say, but that say would land him without a job for ten years. He just watches.

Watches as the higher-ups discard him like a pawn.

And that’s all he was ever good for.

 Discarded. A harsh word, probably dramatized in his head that this was a bad thing.

“It’s not a bad thing, it’s a wonderful opportunity to grow your expertise!”

It’s funny how that works. It was the same when he started and it’s the same now.

Why would they care about anything else other than expertise?

Why don’t they care?

At all?

Matsuda really wants them to. He wants to speak without getting a look, like he had said they were going to drop dead any moment.

It makes him feel that way.

Of course, if he feels he wouldn’t be a useful pawn anymore, an obedient soldier.

That’s why they’re throwing him out.

Oh, how he hates it.

He hates the power of pointing one’s finger and how everyone follows.

He hates how small and insignificant he is, that the higher-ups sneer behind his back, cut what little pay he has left, talk to him like he’s stupid.

A stupid soldier.

Wow… moved again.

One defiance and he’s out the door.

That’s all it took.

And they called him a good shot.

He used to believe he was fighting in the name of justice.

He was only mercilessly murdering.

Now who? He doesn’t know anymore, it’s all blurred and distorted that all he knows is how to follow orders. How to hold up a gun and shoot.

And they would praise him for it while being dragged by their leash. It’s cause he never died, a lucky shot now wasn’t it? The higher ups would get the awards of peace and prosperity while he’s cowering in clots of blood from his friend’s head. And they praised them. And they sneer at them, and they—

He…

He…

He was so tired of being a soldier, but he doesn’t know how to stop it. It’s fully seated itself in his brain like a parasite and he can’t get away.

Maybe getting away would be good.

Getting away would mean new freedoms, and the freedom to finally get some sleep sounds promising. Especially when you had to be awake for every meeting under the sun. God, why did you make humans so petty?

He already talked to the Director of the NPA, he still has to assess that he’s like his previous higher-ups, but later. The Chief… he’s nice, comforting. It’s obvious he’s father and he’s quite proud of it, always talking about his children during the long nights in office. He liked hearing him talk, which was different. But it made him chipper, so he can’t complain.

He walks home from a long shift, he hasn’t been officially assigned a case yet, just closing paperwork. Which is an odd turn of pace for him. Of course it’s only his first week, being out in the open wouldn’t come this fast in detective work. But it did in the forces, he didn’t even have a week.

Matsuda sighed, now’s not the time to be thinking about that. He has a new position! A detective, it sounded so much more important than a soldier.

He looks at the sky, he stayed at the office for so long it was already the next day. He really really wants to take a nap. The couch is calling, and he picks up his pace. He would take a nap, he was sure of it, he was so sure that he could fall asleep on this sidewalk, he’d done it before. 

Then he would probably—

Thud.

What?

Matsuda whipped his head around, trying to pin where the sound was. It sounded like a body falling, or a corpse dropping dead.

‘Stop with these morbid thoughts! Are you really going to be like this when you get your first case?’

Matsuda walks to the source of the sound, and when he gets there he sees a black, sleek notebook.

DEATH NOTE

What in the chain letter?

Matsuda picks it up and opens it.

“Whoever’s name is written in this notebook shall die.”

He closes it.

Chapter Text

This might be the most intricate prank he’d ever seen. It wasn’t even 11:00 am, and he was getting pranked!

Matsuda sat on his couch, (and unfortunately he didn’t get to have an amazing nap on it) regretting the fact that he went back to pick up the edgy notebook.

“I mean, I couldn’t have just left it there, what would if a little kid picked it up? They would’ve totally freaked out!

Or maybe they would’ve just spit on it, kids are weird like that.”

Matsuda thought absentmindedly, gaze drifting from the notebook ever so slightly. When he read the notebook even further, he was… a little creeped out? On how detailed it is. You need a name and a face, in forty seconds or they die of a heart attack? Why in the world is the default heart attacks anyway?

His gaze went back to the notebook, as he picked it up and opened it again, like if anything different was going to appear from the other ten times he opened it. When he thought about even more, it sounded ridiculous. No man would be killed with a flick of a pen. That’s not how kills work, there has to be effort after all. The hardest part about killing humans is killing humans. However now, this notebook is all up in front and saying:

“Now even murder can be lazy! Isn’t that the epitome of humanity?”

It was honestly pissing him off. It’s even worse when he murdered people the hard way.

He doesn’t prance around what he’s done, just because he was considered a proud representation of Japanese nationalism or whatever. This doesn’t justify his many wrongdoings, in the name of his country.

But what if it were actually true?

That this was a new type of smoking gun?

“Well I’d have to try it out, right? It would be the ideal answer, because throwing it away would lead to someone else finding it and using it. That’s no good.”

But who would he kill?

He can’t come up with an immediate answer. This is mostly due to the fact it’s a damn notebook, but whatever, he tells himself. He takes the notebook and goes in his room. It isn’t a very… filled room, with only a twin sized futon, mini TV, and a foldable desk and chair. He takes a seat at his desk and turns on his TV.

Now, would he get distracted by the TV and forget why he turned on? Perchance. However his mood quickly soured when the news changed topics.

“Hello and good afternoon, today we bring news of the developments of the Nagata Kenji case. It has been a long thirty eight hours since this case was presented to the court, before even approving this case is fit for trial. The decision the court makes might effortlessly raise controversies over Japan’s legal framework and more importantly, their leniency with their military.”

Matsuda sucked in his breath. Eyes glued to the screen as they flashed an images of Nagata Kenji, looking crisp and refined in his military uniform. Expression like he was guaranteed to walk free.

Matsuda wants to shoot him.

“To give an overview of this case and its developments, Nagata Kenji was investigated for military misconduct after a soldier died in his sleep from internal bleeding. While multiple soldiers gave their accounts on Nagata’s training regimens. Army officials have not commented on the investigation, stating that they had implemented regulations for this sort of behavior.”

“One witness recounts the victim as being unable to speak and bruising on his clavicle. When confronted with this claim, Nagata had stated it was because he was positioning his gun wrong.”

…

“And this just in! The court has made its decision of trial! There will be no trial and the case is dismissed! Nagata’s lawyers have stated that their client will not make comments and—“

Matsuda turned the TV off.

All he could feel was, disdain. He hates him, and how dare he? How dare he walk away without any remorse? Not even an ounce of respect for the victim. Matsuda hasn’t been this livid for a long time. He opened the notebook and frantically started looking for a pen. He doesn’t want to forget that stupid bastards face. Once he returns, he sits down and…

Nagata Kenji

Dies at 1:15 PM. Leaving the court at 1:00, he decides to jaywalk and promptly gets hit by one of the lawyers cars at 1:07.

His final words would be towards his lawyers, stating he would give all his financial support to the victim’s family.

Matsuda was shaking, was this actually going to happen? Happen in forty seconds? He quickly turned on the TV, waiting for the news to eventually come. It continued as normal until…

“Breaking News! Nagata Kenji has died! He had died while walking into oncoming traffic!”

Well…shit.

That had gone perfectly.

Chapter Text

Matsuda just stares.

The news broadcast had already finished, quite some time ago actually. Now it was about puppies or whatever the fuck it has to about puppies. Now that Matsuda knows it’s real, he decides to go into the bathroom and scream. His neighbors might come over, but he doesn’t care. Not right now anyway.

He stares into his hands, they’re shaking slightly, it’s almost to the point where it’s movie stereotypical to put his hands in his face and sob. He doesn’t do that. While he wants to, he has to take care of… 

That whole situation. Matsuda blinks off some tears, (he wasn’t crying, that would be pathetic, he’s stronger than that.) and goes back to the notebook, it’s almost taunting how it’s on his desk. He wants to throw it out. The notebook, not his desk he spent good money on. It’s ridiculous, how a notebook can be a weapon, and even more ridiculous on how he actually used it.

“Does this mean I might go to jail? I have nothing backing me up now, medals won’t cover it.”

Matsuda ponders, stealing glances at the notebook as if it was going to disintegrate into thin air.

“Whatever.” He thinks, “This was only once, and I don’t think I would do it again. Even if I do want to, I could always…” 

Matsuda pauses that thought. Would he really be okay with going back to the Forces? It’s a fucked up reason to go back. They don’t accept mentally ill people anyway.

“Stop thinking like this Matsuda! You aren’t as unfortunate, you should be grateful that you can even breathe!”

Yeah. Positive mindset. He decides to go out for a walk, leaving the death note on his desk.

It’s around 6, so there were plenty of people around. He didn’t have a destination, he was just walking, maybe getting something to eat? The last time he ate was yesterday. So as he ventured around, he overheard some conversation. Just some, he isn’t a snoop. But..

“Did you hear about that Nagata guy? He was killed as soon as he stepped out of the courtroom!” 

“No way! He was murdered?”
“What? No– He was run over by traffic! Did you really think it was murder?”

Matsuda took a different route. He always was a murderer, always will be. But this time feels different. Other people are..aware of it. He doesn’t want to say know, because no one actually knows, he understands what he’s done. Because he keeps repeating it over and over until it just consumes him and–

Stop. Just stop.

Let's focus on food. Foods’ good, right?

He stops by a convenience store, and picks up some ramen. He didn’t really want to eat it now, he would rather eat it in the comfort of his own home. He stops by the cashier, pays for and and heads home.

He really looks normal, doesn’t he? And that’s what he is, a normal man. A yes-man by technicality. There’s nothing wrong with being one, obviously. It’s easy to be one, afterall. But that’s the problem. No one would think he killed people or seen the horrors, Why would they when all that comes out his mouth are jokes. Jokes. Ha! Can you believe it? No one really questions why he transferred to the NPA out of another division. No one questions the Chief when he says he was from another division. They all talk on a superficial level and he’s not one to judge, since he does it all the time. When he does it on purpose, suddenly people think there’s nothing more to you other than cheerful stupidity. 

And he kind of likes that, in a way. It reminds him of his old habits of following orders, but with a more lighthearted twist.

Matsuda snaps out of his thoughts, as he’s already at his apartment. He unlocks the door and heads inside, setting the ramen down on the counter and going to check on the notebook. It’s like he had a child! Wait, that sounds weird. It was still there, and he picked it up.

“You caused me to have thoughts again. Man, you really are annoying. Why don’t you write names yourself?”

Matsuda grumbled out, then he tossed it somewhere in his room. It would’ve been funny if it responded, but to be honest, he was too bummed out to care. 

As he prepped his ramen, he had thought back to when he first met the Chief. 

It was a Monday night, and most of the detectives already left. Matsuda was a bit lost trying to navigate through the building, as he had to meet up with the Director–

“Excuse me, young man, but are you Matsuda Touta?”

Matsuda whipped his head around, eyes meeting the Chief’s. 

Sorichiro Yagami.

“Ah! Sorry, I’m kinda mixed u-up here…ha ha” 

Yagami smiled warmly, “It’s quite alright, there must have been some confusion since Director Takimura isn’t around. Your meetings with him must have gotten mixed up in the schedule.”

Oh.

“Oh! Well um, I’m sorry for bothering you! You probably were closing up and–” 

“Nonsense, I was actually called to talk to you instead, since you are under my jurisdiction.”

Matsuda looked at him and quite rudely gaped.

“Under you?! Oh my goodness, it’s an honor–”

Yagami laughed, it was a hearty laugh. Like how most dads laughed, Matsuda thought.

“Let’s take a seat before you start gushing, Matsuda. We still have to go over a few things.”

“Ah! Of course Chief!”

They talked about a multitude of things, most about detective work. Some about Yagami’s kids. They were so darn cute the way Chief described them, and it made Matsuda really happy. He never really was happy when moved from one place to another, but it might change with this one. 

 “Now Matsuda, I want to talk about your history with other jurisdictions.”

Matsuda tensed, this was always the worst part. The part that shows everything. 

 “A-ah well, what do you want to know?”

“It’s only one question, but what are you uncomfortable with? You’ve had a long history with the law, and it’s only right for me to adjust things for you.”

Matsuda squinted. He doesn’t know how to answer that.

“Uh I mean, I-I guess I just don’t want to be a part of an infiltration, if that ever comes to pass. I’m a good shot, but with other people…it’s–”

“Then consider that taken care of, Matsuda.”

Matsuda went quiet. That’s it? No there has to be an angle, why wouldn’t there be? Why make it so simple–

“There’s a lot of potential within you, Matsuda.”

See! There it is, he’s going to ask me to do something and I have to say yes.

“And I want you to be comfortable enough to show it.”

Oh… He, likes that. He could do that. 

“I think I could do that, Chief.”

Yagami smiled, “I’m glad to hear that.”

Matsuda was eating his ramen. He was eating his ramen and fucking crying. 

“I… showed my potential, didn’t I? I didn’t break the Chief’s trust just yet. I… could still be useful.”

Matsuda said with a hoarse voice. Who was he convincing? He killed, and this time… he was going to jail… or he was going to be executed.

If that does happen, he would like his execution to be done by a firing squad.

“This is bullshit. Why do I have to die if others die for no reason at all? That isn’t right. Superiors casting the inferior or whatever the fuck, I don’t give a damn. It isn’t my place, it isn’t my place to–.”

“My! Got a mantra out ur’ mouthhole dontcha?" 

What the fuck.

Chapter Text

He must be out of his mind.

He has to be. 

Because what the ever loving fuck is that thing?

It was lanky and tall, eyes sunken but full of excitement, like those sunken eyes looked bulging instead. Its clothing was cool. He didn’t think that hallucinations has style but he also thought notebooks couldn’t kill, so there’s that. He looked like something out of a visual kei concert, at least he thinks that’s what visual kei is, he isn’t sure. The monster irises were a bright red, small and scanning everything. He thinks that calling it a monster is rough, it’s his own mind that made it up.

“Uh. What?”

“Looks like you er’ out of it real good! Didjur first kill got a number on ya or somethin’?”

“Okay…I’m going to bed. You aren’t real. Let me just…”

“What! Don’t ignore me! Didja know I’m a shinigami? Where’s da respect?!”

The mons—. The very tall guy screeched. Making fast hand movements and pulling at his spiky hair. He was like a toddler…a very pale toddler. 

Wait backtrack.

“Shini…gami?” Matsuda said with confusion. He knows he isn’t that creative, what kind of hallucination makes an introduction like that? Maybe it’s the notebook. Yeah! It amplified his creative abilities…to… to…

Yeah. Stupid thought. Idiot.

“Finally! We’re getting somewhere excitin’!”

The large guy outstretched his absurdly jointed hands. Like he was expecting a handshake with those… double digits of his. Wow, I’m really good a describing. Matsuda thought sarcastically. He definitely described this guy in a one-note sort of way. 

“I’m not shaking that.” Idiot. Look at this guy. Laugh. Matsuda feels like he’s going to get mauled and laughed at, at the same time. 

“Wow, not the social guy arent’ya? That’s fine, just lettin ya know that what chu got is no ordinary notebook. Itsa special notebook, butcha already know that, don’t cha?”

“…”

“Yeah. No kidding.”

If this guy wanted to prove he’s real he’s doing a poor job at it. He’s just spewing things he already knows! 

Matsuda really needs to be medicated.

“Whaaaat?! Okay smartass, looks like that book made cha a snob! Didn’t think dropping the book would lead me to such a brat.”

“You…dropped this? Wow my creativity is off the charts.”

“Ah! I got it! Ur… experiencing those human traits… like depression right? No…it’s denial. Hehe, I mix up my d’s ha!”

He got both of them right, but Matsuda wasn’t going to correct him. That would make him a loser. Ha… his own hallucination calling him a loser… what a wake up call.

“Fine, I’ll hear you out. Just hurry, I wanna go to sleep..”

“Agh! You brat…”

“Well I got a Death Note and dropped it, and you picked it up! Khekeke… and used it too! A Death Note user can neither go to heaven or hell.”

“Wow, so now I don’t gotta chance! You’re one clumsy Shinigami.”

He wasn’t actually angry at that, he knew he wasn’t going to heaven either way. But not going to hell too? What option was there? Wait… he said it like the two locations don’t exist in the first place… Damn, a double bummer.

“Waah! First time since a thousand years and da owner is such an ass!”

Mr. Shadow tall guy went silent, eyes going all directions again, like they were dissecting the room, before ending to stare at Matsuda’s own. 

“Y’know… I didn’t give ya my name. Da name’s Ryuk, brat.”

“And I didn’t drop it cause I was clumsy, I dropped it…”

“… cause I was bored.”

What a great reason. It makes Matsuda want to do a standing ovation.

“Now before chu get all snarky and shit… you went through all that to kill a guy… one guy by the way, and got them crocodile tears.. for what? You liked killing him, and don’t bullshit me, even if it’s funny, you only got angry cause of da whole concept of da notebook.”

Matsuda was taken aback. He didn’t enjoy killing him. It was the heat of the moment! It’s not like he was doing it for himself, all he could think about was who that guy hurt. It was for the victim to feel justice…it wasn’t for him…

“Now enuf of that! Come onn~ dontcha wanta kill others of the sort? I tell ya all about the book, here… then I want one of those… human apples. It’s been forever since I’ve had one. Ya?”

Matsuda… didn’t want to deal with a God of literal death, but he also didn’t want the deathnote to be picked up by someone else. Especially if they were going to use it for horrible things. 

“Fine, tell me everything. I’ll see if I’d still wanna use it again. I would probably store it.” 

“That’s not gonna work! After 490 days, our time is up, and you’ll lose ownership, kid.”

“Damn.”

“Question.”

“Shoot.”

“Im a great shot. But um.. Why is the book so fucking pretentious? Like okay, you have your thing with death, and with symbolism and what this means for humanity and yadayadayada…”

“I mean, that was mora rant than a question, kid.”

“But, to uh… say sumthin’ It’s the Old Man who made all them rules.”

“Gods of Death have dads?”

“He’s mora king, well he is a King.. but most of us call him that.”

“Huh.”

“Now let me get to da juicy stuff. Don’t interrupt me, cause I’m only gonna say this once.”

“Yeah go for it man.”

Matsuda was NOT going to pay attention Ryuk was already dragging things out with the way he spoke. He didn’t think he could last Ryuk speaking more than a sentence. 

But, it did leave him with thoughts. Was he really going to become… whatever this is? He’s already basically a murderer, so what is this? Being a super-murderer? A spiritual-cleanser?

God?

…

Ew. 

Matsuda furrowed his brows, he’s been inferior all his life, that being referred to as God makes him want to throw up. It’s weird to think about, especially when he does have the power of a god at his hands. He doesn’t want to be seen that way. If the world catches on, what would they think of him? He wouldn’t want to be the one with all the power of a God. He was just fine wallowing in his misery of his power to kill.

With a barrel of a gun.

Soldier life is pretty tough to get out of, huh?

With this power, he wants to help. Not to save. Saving leads to worship, which leads to a stroke of ego. He doesn’t want that. He wants to help, that’s all he ever wanted and that’s his promise. He’s still… helping. He’s still Helpful Matsuda! Cheery and bright, and the optimistic rookie… He wants to help people just like him. Where national wellbeing is only concerned about the quality people, not the people polishing them.

Yeah.

He’s going to help. He won’t cry about this anymore.

With a flick of a pen.

He smiled back at Ryuk.