Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I can’t do this anymore” those words echoed in Bruce’s ear like poison slowly melting his flesh, exposing his nerves to the cold.

There they were, in the garden of the Wayne mansion, standing in the rain like the protagonists of some bad soap opera. Clark looked at him with an expression Bruce was all too familiar with, pain. The kind of pain that was currently eating away at his soul, the very same pain Clark had to endure while being his…..lover.

“How many- how many more times do I have to watch you flirt with someone else? How many more times do i have to proof read an article about your latest “scandal” with some supermodel- How many more times will we have to go on dates in the manor because we can’t be seen outside together- how..how many more times will we pretend to be strangers when we run into each other? When can we finally call this relationship what it is? I can’t....Bruce…I can’t do this anymore.”

Clark turned around, his heart palpitating in his ear as pain spread through his chest. He loved Bruce so very much that it was consuming his very being. At first he didn’t mind the stolen glances they shared at parties, the hidden kisses in the bathroom, the way Bruce would softly touch his hand while they shook hands, introducing themselves as if they have never met before. He found it all so exciting, like a teenager in love, he thought about those moments as if they were the most precious jewels in his library of memories.

He started to walk towards the gate, ready to leave. He suddenly stopped in his tracks, his feet refusing to take another step. He couldn’t just leave, not like this. He believed in Bruce, he believed in their love and he believed in their future. He believed that one day he could tell him the truth about himself, about superman, about Kal-el. But first, they needed to become official. Not just friends who fuck and are emotionally dependent on each other. The world didn’t need to know about them yet, the world didn’t need to know about the love they shared. But Clark needed to have confirmation from Bruce that yes, they are an item. That they are a team. That he could truly give himself to him- flesh and god like alien powers alike.

He turned around, facing Bruce again.

“I love you.”

It was a word Clark has said many times before, but never with this much conviction. His blue eyes that reminded Bruce of the clear sunny skies he saw in Metropolis, were looking at him with desperation. “I love you” those 3 words never failed to shake Bruce to his core. It was a sentence Bruce never dared to even think about, let alone speak out loud.
The first time Clark said it, his entire face turned red, even he himself was surprised by his honesty. Bruce just replied with a kiss. Overtime, Clark’s little love confessions became a habit, quick “love yous” before ending a call, he cried it out while his cock was buried deep in Bruce’s ass, he mouthed it from a distance when Bruce looked his way, he said it softly as he kissed his cheek after an exhausting day, yet Bruce never said it back. They have been ”seeing each other” for the past 2 years, have been friends for the past 3, yet Bruce still struggled with saying how he feels, especially when it came to something like love. Bruce knew- he knew all too well that what he was feeling for Clark was in fact, love. The type of love that stripped you of all of your senses and left you bare. He yearned for Clark, he yearned for his hand to touch his scar ridden body. He yearned for him to whisper sweet nothings into his ear as they laid in bed. He yearned to see that bright smile that somehow made his cruel grey world blossom with colour.

Clark. Clark. Clark, Clark. Clark consumed Bruce’s every waking moment. Essentially Clark was the only person who was able to peel back all the layers Bruce was hiding behind, to see beyond the playboy persona, to see his wounded self. And Clark? He didn’t laugh or called him weak, he loved him even more. He softly kissed every new scar that appeared on his body, gently tended to the ones that were bleeding. He knew Clark was perceptive, maybe too perceptive for Bruce’s liking- but he couldn’t help but love that part of him too.

Clark seemed to love every piece of him that he exposed and that- exactly that scared him. It kept him sleepless at night, how much more of himself could he show before Clark decided enough was enough? How much more could he show before Clark’s smile turns into disgust? Into fear? But knowing him, he would endure it. He would hold him and say he loves him- but how could he do that to him with a good conscience? Bruce knew that the deeper Clark would dig, the only thing he would find were infected, ugly wounds that were still oozing puss and slowly causing necrosis. How could he ever ask of him to carry and love such ugliness?
So, he couldn’t say it back. Deep down he knew he was just a coward, but he wanted to believe,no, needed to believe that he was protecting Clark.

Bruce just stared at him, his lips pressed into a thin line, it was that expression he used whenever someone got too close, that neutral but confident expression he would always hide behind. But Clark could see it in his eyes, those ever so beautiful dark eyes, he was hurting just as much as he was.

“Bruce, say that you love me.”

He said in a soft but firm tone. Clark was once again smiling, but just how Clark was able to see beyond his defenses, so could Bruce. He knew those eyes, they usually shone so brightly with his brilliance, but now they were full of hurt and pain.

Bruce just continued to stare- he needed to see him in pain, he needed to see the consequences of his actions, he needed to etch it into the deepest part of his mind so he wouldn’t waver, so he wouldn’t open his mouth and say those 3 words. So “he could protect him”.
Clark gritted his teeth, walking back to Bruce, grabbing him by the collar, his face distorted into something ugly. Bruce has never seen Clark make that expression before- what was it, anger? Fear? Disgust? This wasn’t their first fight- of course it wasn’t, but this time he really did it. He really managed to hurt- to ever so lightly infect Clark with his darkness.

“Goddamit Bruce! Just say something-” his tight grip got looser “ Anything-” he let go of his shirt collar, resting his hands on his chest “please…”

But Bruce didn’t say anything. He couldn’t waver now. Not after what he put Clark through- not after what he was putting him through now. Even now, his patient “friend” acted out in anger, something he has never seen him do. Clark was usually so pure and warm. He was like sunlight on a spring day, softly, gently caressing his skin. Despite his size he always remained gentle, never threatening- he would even cutely slouch his shoulders so as to not intimidate others with his size. He always spoke lightly, never raising his voice, no matter the circumstances.
Only he could break him into acting like this. He looked at him, soaked to the bone with cold water. His bright blue eyes tired, haggard, hurt. His usually radiating skin now dull as his wet curls clung to his forehead, his glasses slightly fogged up.

“Alfred has called a cab for you. It should arrive any minute now.”

He watched as Clark’s face sunk even deeper into despair. So, this was really it? Was this the end? But can something that didn’t have a start even have an end? Clark stepped away.

“One day, you will really regret this. “ said Clark, while trying to compose him, which was rather hard with the rain.

“I already am” thought Bruce.

Clark spoke up as if he could read Bruce’s mind.
“You will regret this more than you are regretting it now. A lot more.”

Clark looked up at the sky, as if expecting it to enlighten him on what to say. He looked back at Bruce, his gaze lingering on his eyes, the only part of his body that always seemed to show him what he was honestly feeling deep down.

“When that happens, I hope you aren’t alone.”

Bruce’s eyes softened. Of course Clark would say that- his gentle, lovable Clark. He doubted he could ever love someone the way Clark does. Clark never did anything half-assed, even his love was fully encompassing. His love was always so warm and honest- it filled a person up, making them feel like they were loved by the sun itself. Bruce didn’t know how to deal with that, not now, not during their relationship.

This time, when Clark turned around and made his way towards the gate, he didn’t look back.

“Dating” Bruce was hard, he always knew it would be hard, even if he wasn’t Superman, even if he would have only been Clark Kent, it would have been incredibly hard. He didn’t mind juggling between meeting Bruce, saving Metropolis and trying to be Clark Kent the country boy from Smallville, the clumsy journalist from Daily Planet. Bruce was worth the hassle, Bruce was worth pain. But not like this, not when Bruce refused to even label their relationship. Not after 2 years. Even he had his pride. While it hurt him to leave like this, he knew Bruce will be just as miserable as him regarding the breakup, but this really couldn't go on. Not only because of the pain that he was in, but because he was starting to slip. Slipping at work, making mistakes during patrols. Superman couldn’t afford to make mistakes. Not because of relationship problems, especially not for a hopeless “fling” like this.

Bruce stood there in the garden, his feet rooted to the ground, watching the spot Clark was at before he left. His eyes still lingering on the shape Clark Kent’s body had. The way the wet fabric clung to his ridiculously muscular body. His eyes could still clearly see it, as if he was still there. “This was for his own good” he said to himself, “He wouldn’t be able to handle Batman” he himself could barely Batman sometimes.

He had no idea how much time passed before Alfred brought him back inside. “I should have never brought him here” he was sitting on the couch they used to cuddle up while looking up at the fireplace.The tall ceiling suddenly made him feel small- the room felt too large for one person only. As he was sitting there, the coldness of the room engulfed him like never before.
He laughed to himself softly as he finally comprehended why this room always felt so warm. It was never this fireplace that kept them warm, it was Clark. His soft smile, his body that could replace a heater, his sweet kisses. But he didn’t deserve warmth, he didn’t deserve his warmth, he never did. So he continued to sit there, refusing to add any fire to the flames or putting on a blanket. He deserved to feel the cold, He let it itch under his skin, making him shiver down to his bones.
The way back to Metropolis felt slow and painful. With every second he got closer to leaving Gotham, the more real the situation felt. He never thought he could come to love Gotham as he did. Gotham was the opposite of everything he loved about Metropolis. It wasn’t a brilliant, shining buzz of a city full of opportunities. It was dark, grey and when the clouds weren't obscuring the sun, it was the smog that made it hard to breathe. But for some reason, he started to like this poor excuse of a city. The people might have been jaded, but they were oh so resilient. As his train finally left Gotham city, Clark found himself longingly looking at it.
Though in all honesty, Clark would have rather been in his room right now, not some train. But he needed to think, he needed to be himself for now, not Clark and nor Superman. So he sat through the entire trip, listening to sad songs and eating some overpriced baked goods. For the first time in his life, he felt happy that it was raining, it felt like the world was crying for him when he was in too much pain to do so.

The next day, the news of the invincible Bruce Wayne ending up in the hospital swept through the nation. Everyone was speculating just what kind of illness could have affected the billionaire this badly? And if in the foreseeable future he wouldn't end up leaving the hospital with a pulse, how would that affect the Wayne Empire? Who would take over? Was there even someone who could take over?

Days, weeks passed without any news, that is until Bruce announced on his Zwitter that he was steadily recovering and thankful for all the “get well” wishes. Many people let out sighs of relief, a lot of other people didn’t. Recovery was slow, he would usually be trying to convince Alfred to let him go home, but this time he just stayed quiet. Who knew a little rain could make him sick to this extent. He has stood in the rain for hours on end as Batman, yet it never even made him sneeze. Alfred said it must have been because he was already in a bad shape beforehand. Bruce didn’t have time to linger on this for long, work was waiting for him. He plunged himself into it, letting the piled up emails and papers consume his waking hours.

Clark couldn’t stop thinking about Bruce, the amount of pain he must be dealing with. But he has sacrificed too much of himself for nothing but crumbs of Bruce’s affection. So he ignored the urges to go back to him, to visit him at the hospital with homemade triple chocolate chip cookies, Bruce’s favourite (which he profoundly refused to admit but it couldn’t have been more obvious). But he would secretly listen to his heartbeat, just making sure he was okay.

Once Bruce was released from the hospital, Alfred suggested they go somewhere as a celebration for his recovery. B wanted to say that it was a bad idea, nonsense, but he didn’t, he kept those thoughts to himself. The reporters and paparazzi quickly found out about his plans and were already bombarding him about his sudden vacation outside of Gotham city. When asked, he said it was “for his recovery”. It was plausible enough of an excuse for the people of Gotham City- what else would a young billionaire do after a near death experience?

Over time, it became Clark’s little hobby to listen in on Bruce’s heartbeat. He would occasionally listen in on it whenever he started missing him. His conscience started to slowly weigh on him, he had to admit to himself that what he was doing was in fact, creepy. He didn’t do it before, because he knew once he did that, he wouldn't stop and he didn’t want to invade Bruce’s privacy. Not then and especially not now. So with a heavy heart, he went to the Fortress of solitude. He looked for a way to erase this knowledge from his mind, just this tiny part of his past relationship that wouldn’t stop haunting him. After a week of restless research, he finally found a way. He was at first hesitant, but he knew he needed to go through this. It’s not like he was erasing Bruce from his memories, just the memory of his heartbeat. After going through the procedure, he felt even shittier than before. As if a part of him was taken away. Maybe because now it all felt too real? Maybe because now his last connection to Bruce was severed? Either way, it didn’t matter. He needed to move on. For now, all he could hope for was that Alfred would be there to comfort Bruce. And that maybe one day, Bruce will be able to love someone more than he hates himself.

Chapter Text

Approximately 7 months have passed since their breakup and Clark was not handling it well. His sheepish smile lacked the warmth it usually had, he seemed even more distracted than usual and he came to work with that sleep deprived look on his face. Lois Lane and Jimmy Olson, some of Clark’s closest friends slowly grew concerned as they watched their friend desperately try to pretend to be a fully functional human. His attempts were as successful and graceful as putting duct tape on a faucet to stop it from leaking.

They are- or at least used to be an undeniable asset for the company. Lois was intelligent, brave (and way too reckless according to Clark and Jimmy), never gave up and always knew where to dig. Jimmy was their photographer, he had the eyes of a hawk, pointing out even the smallest of details. He could easily detect any changes made to things and while it was not relevant for his job, he could spot Waldo in 5 seconds or less. Clark could write like a poet, his extensive knowledge of words was impressive, as if he would have memorized multiple English dictionaries. He also had the ability to connect to people, make them drop their defenses and give away clues they never meant to.

Sure, their boss, Perry White, did consider them to be nuisances and he may have threatened to fire them more than one time over the past 2 years, but the results they brought always kept him from doing so.

“At least those dark circles have finally disappeared” exclaimed the young, fierce reporter with a cup of coffee in her hand

Jimmy was walking beside her, holding one energy drink in hand and cup of coffee in the other.
“He’s still scatterbrained though. I don’t know how many more times Perry will yell at him to focus before he fires him.”

“Yeaaaaaahhhhhh….ugh I just wish he would talk about it to us-” groaned Lois. It hurt her to see him in pain like this, but what bothered her more is that Clark didn’t trust them enough to share his pain with them. Whoever broke his heart must have been one hell of a person.

“You know he has always been reserved regarding his love life- well if this is about his love life”

Lois rolled her eyes “What else would it be? He might have not said it, but it couldn’t have been more obvious that he was seeing someone.”

While Clark remained professional at work, whenever Jimmy and Lois would ask if he would want to hang out during the weekends, he would always “already have plans out of town”. If they were cancelled for one reason or the other, he looked like a puppy that was abandoned in the rain. Another indicator to him being in a relationship was the sudden phone calls where he would perk up and have a smile brighter than the sun as he walked away to talk to this “mystery person”.. His eyes would also soften at a random message from his phone- how could she not notice that this was the expression of a man in love?

At first Lois wondered if he didn’t share about his love life because he realised her growing feelings for him. Knowing him, he might have not wanted to hurt her by talking about it. However, he also refused to say anything to Jimmy either. Clark also seemed to be fully unaware of her flirting with him, so Lois came to the conclusion that there is another reason as to why he is so secretive about it.

But why hide it to this extent? The reporter inside of her wanted to dig deep, find out the truth buried behind Clark’s apologetic smile, but as a friend, she couldn’t do it. She loved Clark too much to invade his privacy, to betray his trust like that. So she played along, ignoring the signs, trying to move on.

But it has been 7 months, 7 entire months and Clark still acted like a puppy that was kicked to the curb. Though, she would lie if she wasn’t happy about the breakup.

She might have known nothing about this mystery woman, but she knew that she was starting to wear Kent down. Clark wasn’t necessarily the image of punctuality, but it got especially bad the last couple of months leading up to their breakup. His reports were a mess, he looked tired, haggard. His healthy, sun kissed complexion became dull. His appetite decreased and seemed like he was on the verge of falling apart any minute. Perry usually would just yell at them to do better, but even he must have found Clark’s behaviour odd and concerning. He invited him to his office and had a long, lengthy talk where Clark emerged paler than a ghost. Clark then disappeared for a week and returned with that sheepish smile that he has been wearing since. His performance did significantly improve, but he became even less social. He seemed to only live between going to the daily planet then going home to cry. Or well, maybe he wasn’t crying, but Lois assumed that a pure soul like his needed to cry in moments like this.

“Enough is enough. We will drag him out this weekend and he will have fun.”

“And where exactly would we take him?” asked Jimmy, slightly skeptical.

“I don’t know- but anywhere that isn’t his bedroom.”

“I heard there is this new japanese fusion pizza place near his place” suggested Jimmy after thinking about it for a second. He didn’t like intruding into Clark’s life, but Lois was right. It was time for him to move on. Clark was there for him when Samantha broke up with him, or when his apartment burned down, or when he broke his pinky. He wanted to offer him the same support, even if Clark didn’t accept it.

“Perfect! It sounds a bit expensive though? I’m a bit low on cash this month haha” she said, ignoring the amazing but overpriced coffee in her hand

Jimmy looked at her with a light smirk “We can just go to a regular pizza place then”
It’s not like he was better off than her. To be fair, most people their age weren’t well off. Well, except if they were Bruce Wayne or Oliver Queen. The Wayne mansion couldn’t possibly compare to the small expensive shoeboxes they called apartments.

As they arrived at Clark's desk, Jimmy put the coffee down in front of him, but Clark seemed too preoccupied with blankly staring at his screen to notice. His shoulders were tense and he was slouching even more than usual.

“Ey, Smallville” *she lightly tapped on shoulder.

Clark flinched, turning his head around at almost lightning speed “sorry-”

“We brought you coffee- drink up” said Lois as she looked at the apologetic Clark.

“Geez..guys you really didn’t have to-” he gave them that sheepish tired smiled he has been known for the past half year

Jimmy proudly puffed his chest out “We wanted to”

“If you are thankful, then join us for dinner tonight” exclaimed Lois with excitement, she knew she should hit the iron while it’s still hot.

“Huh? Uh- I, well-”

“Come on man, we miss you, just think it over” Said Jimmy as he left for his own desk

“We’ll be expecting you” Lois smiled as she sat down at her cubicle

Clark just sat there dumbfounded,looking at his reflection in the dark liquid with a guilty expression.Maybe it wouldn’t do him bad to actually do something fun for once. And they are right, they haven’t hung out together for a while. He could feel a pang in his chest.

It was hard to forget about someone like Bruce Wayne. His face and name followed Clark like a ghost. No matter where he looked, he could always find traces of him. Magazines, Interviews, Scandals, Galas, Charity Balls- Bruce Wayne was everywhere.

His presence haunted him like a curse. He felt like he didn’t deserve to move on, not after the way he broke up with him.

He was still unsure whether he made the right decision or not. Was it selfish of him to break it off? Was he even allowed to feel selfish? Or would it have been more selfish of him to continue to see Bruce when he was aware how it affected him as superman? Was it wrong of him to leave when he knew he was suffering? Did that make him a bad person? Was this something a real human would ever do?

Be that as it may, there was but one thing he was sure of; he would never stop loving Bruce.
With time, his romantic feelings will fade,
with time, he’ll find someone new to love,
with time, he’ll stop thinking about him less and less.
With time, they’ll both change into different people but the love and care he’ll feel towards that idiot will always be there, tucked away in some corner of his heart. At least that’s what his Ma said.

His thoughts lingered on his guilt towards his job, towards Lois and Jimmy, towards his Ma, towards Bruce. Too many “ugly” feelings filled his mind for him to be able to focus on a night out.

At the end of the day, he whipped out his phone, once again staring at his reflection with guilt. He was aware that at this point it was some sort of sadistic self punishment he was[ installing on himself, but he needed just a little bit more time to grieve. To forget the way Bruce softly murmured his name in the morning, the feeling of his armed wrapped around his waist, his genuine laughter that only he was allowed to hear. Despite the time that has passed by, Clark just couldn't forget. Every morning felt like a punch in the gut and every night he was reminded that Bruce was eating all alone on that stupidly long table.
[Sorry, I really don’t think I can make it tonight.]

Days, weeks, months slipped by, but his heart sill ached. Not as much as before, but he could still feel his chest tighten at even the mention of his name.

Kent was currently in the office, working on some new article. He was trying to focus, even so his super hearing picked up the whispers from his coworkers as they talked about the newest Brucie drama. He didn’t mean to listen in on it, he told himself he would try to distance himself, but his ears were already so used to picking up on his name.

“I can’t believe someone like him would really adopt a kid,” said one of his coworkers.

“I heard the kid’s parents died in the circus freak accident we covered last month” said the other.

For the first time in months, Clark’s expression finally softened. He let out a small chuckle, of course Bruce would do something like that. Bruce did mention once in passing that he would like to adopt in the future, he knew how it was like to grow up as an orphan.

Clark was a bit surprised by how quickly the whole thing went down.Bruce always claimed he needed another 25 years before he would be ready for a child. He felt relief in knowing that Bruce would no longer have to deal with his grief and pain alone.

A wave of worry ran through his body, it’s not that he didn’t believe Bruce couldn’t become a good father, but his emotional intelligence rivaled a cucumber’s. Well, Alfred was still there and Clark was a 100% sure Alfred would do everything in his power to help Bruce become the father he wanted to be.

It seems Bruce was moving on with his life, it was time for Clark to let go of him too. His love, guilt and sorrow was still there, but he could rest a lot easier now. He laughed at himself, wondering what Bruce would say if he knew he was doing the exact same thing he always nagged him about. Well, at least not anymore.
He shot a quick text in the group chat [Hey guys, do you have time to hang out tonight ? :)]

As winter turned into spring and spring turned into summer, Clark’s mind was eventually occupied by a different man: Some bat themed furry vigilante. At first he thought he was just a myth, something the people of Gotham made up to scare kids and teens away from crime. But now, not even he could deny his existence as he looked at the masked man punching people with so much precision that he wondered if he was a meta-human.

The bat looked up at him, Superman could feel his animosity towards him. He was sure the Bat would be using heat vision right now if he could. While he couldn’t see his face, he was sure he had his brows knitted together and his mouth frown.

“Get out of my city, alien.”

His deep smooth voice resonated in his lungs- he knew he was supposed to find his tone threatening,but something about it felt so..oddly comforting. Clark was drawn to him- like a moth to a flame. A fire was lit deep inside his stomach. The feelings of curiosity and attraction fought inside of him for dominance, Clark chose to ignore the second.

“The people usually call me Superman” so the bat wasn’t the friendliest, but hey, who is when they live in Gotham? Maybe they could become friends? Allies? Of course not now, but possibly in the future?

“Now.” spitted out the bat as if Superman would have personally offended him with his existence.

Okay, perhaps, maybe they won't be friends.