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Chapter Text

The last time Lottie had seen Natalie Scatorccio had been when they were both ten years old. It had been before all the bad shit started. Before the medication, before Natalie had supposedly killed her own father, and before she was later put into the foster care system.

Despite the fact it had been six years since they’d seen each other, Lottie could remember the other girl almost perfectly.

Natalie had often worn all black clothes, from beat up combat boots to ripped jeans to band tee’s. Lottie remembered her pale complexion, her sly grin, and her watercolor eyes. Lottie found herself holding onto the memory of Natalie. She couldn’t understand why, they had talked sure, being friendly but not quite friends.

they’d ended on the same recreation soccer team together. Under the some name like “the shamrocks” playing against other small put together teams. They weren’t good but it was fun.

They weren’t close. But Lottie often found herself thinking of her. Lottie was a quiet kid. Content to keep to herself, and nobody bothered her. She could lie to herself and say that’s how she liked it but she ended up envious of how easily other kids her age made friends.

Suddenly Natalie Scatorccio started including her.

Lottie was startled when Nat had asked her an opinion on something, when she pushed Lottie to talk to their teammates. At first Lottie resented Nat for it, she could understand why Natalie was putting in the effort to make Lottie included. But some small part of her that was buried deep inside was endlessly grateful.

The last time Lottie had ever talked to Natalie had been the time Nat decided to hide in a storage closet after practice in the rec center. When Lottie asked her if she could join, Natalie had said yes. So together they squeezed themselves between a set of volleyball nets and bins filled with partially deflated basketballs. There was a string to pull that turned on the lightbulb, but since they were hiding they settled for the light coming from the small window above them. Natalie turned to her five minutes after they’d been settled, “why don’t we hang out more often?” Nat’s voice had already been rough and a little gravely. (Later on Lottie would also remember the bruised marks on Nats neck in the shape of fingerprints. That and the fact her voice was likely a product of it.)

“I don’t know.” Lottie lied. More than anything Lottie hated lie, it made her body feel heavy and her tongue felt sour for it. But she didn’t know how Nat might take the truth.

In all honesty, Lottie’s mother and father would hate just the idea of Lottie and Natalie spending time together. They came from different worlds. Not that Lottie cared but she knew her parents would.

So, Lottie changed the subject, “do you think we’ll win the tournament?” Their team had won their latest game, only one team to beat until they were named champions. ( in the Recs eyes anyways.)

Natalie scoffed, “obviously.” Lottie found herself a bit jealous at the ease in Nat’s voice, like she was sure that their team would win. Like it’d be easy peasy.

“How can you be sure?” Lottie asked, Mat raised eyebrow at that.

“You make it sound so easy-“

Lottie didn’t get to finish her thought before one of their coaches that worked for the center opened the door. They hadn’t been in that closet for longer than ten minutes but the coach, (who was now yelling at them) acted like they’d gone missing for a few hours.

The coach had talked Lottie parents who had been waiting to pick her up, letting them know they had found their misfit daughter. Then they had contacted Natalie’s family over the phone. Nat would still be walking home, but she looked even more worried about it. Natalie mumbled something about trying to avoid her trailer as she pushed the glass entrance doors open, leaving.

Lottie’s mom and dad were scolding her, frustrated and angry that she was messing around. That this is not how someone like her should be behaving. Lottie tuned all of it out as she watched Natalie leave, Lottie offered a small wave, Nat gave her a grim smile in return, waving her goodbye.

Natalie didn’t come back to practice the next day. She didn’t even go back to school.

She heard the news from a classmate.

Riccardo Scatorccio had been murdered by his own ten year old daughter in cold blood. For some reason Natalie had taken a shotgun and blew her own father’s head off.

Then she heard it in gym by a girl with red hair who’d lived in the same trailer park as Natalie. Lottie knew this was one of Natalie friends, Van she thinks, had been defending Nat to another kid.

Natalie had not killed her father in cold blood, and even if she had it was self defense. When Lottie had asked Van about Natalie whereabouts and when she was coming back to school, Van simply shrugged and said she knew the Scatorccio’s still lived at the trailer park, but she hadn’t seen Nat in days.

The last thing Lottie heard about the incident had come from the mouth of her own father.

According to Malcolm Matthews, Riccardo Scatorccio deserved the fate he was given, even if it has been at the hand of his daughter. At first Lottie believed it to be a version of her father’s sympathy. Maybe he felt bad for Natalie, that her father had died and that he was a horrible dad in life. Then Lottie realized that this wasn’t sympathy at all, but in turn, apathy. It didn’t matter that Natalie’s father yelled at and hit his wife and kid, just that he was scum trailer trash. “People like him make the town look bad.” Her father had muttered.

Lottie eventually gave up on her hope that Natalie would come back to school, back to soccer too. About a month after Natalie’s father’s death, Lottie had heard that Natalie had been put into the foster care system, abandoned by her mother and forced into an awful system. Lottie had to keep herself from missing Natalie, they weren’t even friends. They weren’t close. They weren’t anything but teammates but Lottie hated that they weren’t more. They’d lost the soccer season after Natalie left. She was a talented player, like middle school level good. Lottie had once heard Natalie talking about wanting to join the middle school team once she got into sixth grade. Lottie hoped whatever home she was placed in had a soccer team Nat could play for. It wouldn’t be the same as it would be if Nat had played in Wiskayok, Lottie just hoped she was happy.

———

When Lottie turned eleven, she’d been placed on antipsychotics for her schizophrenia. She hated them. She hated them more than anything. Maybe she’d learn to accept them but her parents made her feel like these were the only things that could make her normal. Fucking normal. She hated that word too.

Once she turned twelve her parents decided Lottie was old enough to take care of herself. They started going on month long trips, and whenever they were home it was suffocating. They constantly make sure Lottie was taking her medication, and then berate her for having a mental illness in the first place. Like it was her fault, like she was a burdening her family.

Lottie ended up joining the Wiskayok soccer team her freshman year of high school. She met good people there, and even made some friends.

Sometimes her medication has to be raised a bit, whenever the walls blended together, and there was a small voice that’d whisper intelligible things in the back of her head.

Halfway through September of her junior year, she considered having her prescription raised. With the sound of combat boots making baby steps on the floor, the clinking of metal jewelry, and the fact that she hadn’t seen Natalie Scatorccio in six fucking years was enough to make Lottie consider calling her psychiatrist.

When other people both noticed and avoided her, Lottie realized that Natalie had in fact been real.

She looked different, the same but somehow different. Somehow more.

Natalie’s hair was bleached for starters. She was dressed in a sleeveless band shirt, ripped jeans and black combat boots. She worr a safety pin necklace, rings on all of her fingers, and black arm bands that went from her elbows to her wrists. Lottie’s gaze focused on Nats even paler complexion, the grin that made her look like she’d just gotten away with something, and the small scar on Nats lip. Lottie wanted to live in the moment forever, she and Nat hadn’t been close at all, but something in her chest ached. So much of her missed someone she never really knew.

Then the bell rang for first period to start and Lottie had to shake herself out of her stare fast enough to make it to class.

———

Word had gotten around fast. Not just that Natalie Scatorccio was back in Wiskayok, but that she was an absolute fucking maniac.

The first person that had the guts to approach someone who supposedly killed her own father was Van Palmer. Natalie’s old best friend.

It happened during lunch. Van walked up to Nat and asked if she remember her. (Lottie was pretty sure it was about if Nat m remembers their friendship more.) Nat smiled, but not the manic one that never left her face but a genuine one.

At least that’s what Van told her.

Then came the rumors that Natalie was absolutely insane.

Someone a few weeks into the new school year had harassed Van about her sexuality, calling her a ‘bulldyke.’ Then that same person ended up getting their face mashed into the concrete by a very pissed off Natalie. Nat had quickly been pulled off by Van in a quick succession to avoid getting in trouble.

The only reason that Nat hadn’t been suspended or even expelled for her violent outbursts were because they were all in a secluded area, where no one could say they saw her and there was no proof provided.

Tryouts for the School soccer team started about a month into the year. Lottie had been working up the courage to talk to Natalie but something about the blond girl seemed untouchable. Literally, someone once grabbed her arm to get her attention when her headphones were on and they ended up getting pushed onto the floor. That was the only time anyone had ever seen Natalie without her manic smile.

The team was different with Nat on it this year, not a bad different necessarily, they were better than they had been in the first few years. But things had felt off. Especially between the team.

Because if Nats arrival and her rekindled friendship with Van, Tai had felt an odd animosity towards Nat, it was almost possessive. Fortunately Tai was also smart enough not to cross any lines with Nat, she stayed off her radar. Jackie had been enthusiastic about a new girl on the team before quickly leading that Nat’s personality would clash with hers entirely.
Jackie often argued with Nat about her lack of effort. For some odd reason despite the fact that Nat put so much effort into tryouts it seemed she couldn’t care less about soccer. This did not work with Jackie and because it didn’t work with Jackie it didn’t work with Shauna.

Shauna, unlike Jackie’s indifference towards Nat, hated her with a passion. The two have gotten into verbal arguments at least five times before their first game. Laura Lee was kind, that hasn’t changed with their new teammate through she was understandably wary. Even more odd was the kindness Nat offered back. Equally wary. Misty was unbelievably delighted to have Nat on the team, as their team manager (and the oddest person Lottie had ever met) she placed herself in charge of overseeing Natalie’s progress. Misty was the only person who didn’t understand Nat’s boundaries and it took half the people on the team to keep Natalie from ripping Misty’s head off her head after trying to hug Nat. Though the biggest change in the whole team was Coach Ben’s attitude. He was fond of the girls without a doubt, he put up with Misty’s bullshit all the time, but he had an obvious favoritism for Natalie. He consistently checked up on her, and made sure she had all her needs met on the field, and even took her side whenever she got into arguments.

As for Lottie? Well Lottie hasn’t said a word to Natalie. Sometimes she’ll catch Natalie looking at her with interest in her eyes before tearing them away. Those moments end up being Lottie’s driving force during practices. She wanted Natalie to look at her, one day if she’s lucky they’ll talk.

They finally ended up talking during the second game in the season.

It was an away game at some school she didn’t care enough to remember the name of. The fall air burned into their lungs and the chill spread into Lottie’s lungs. It was a euphoric feeling really. Later when she showered the her skin would burn against the clashing cold. Natalie was always fast to finish. By the time anyone in the locker room had their uniform shorts on Natalie was already stretching, impatience rolled off of her at the team with a dangerous smile.

Then some girls from the other team stopped by. A tall brunette girl, probably a senior and the leader of the small group asked to speak to Nat in private.

Sometimes Lottie has these moments where she knows something is going to happen. Something bad, that she doesn’t know about and she can’t stop. That doesn’t stop her from finishing up getting her clothes on as fast as possible and spying on them. Sure it’s rude and could also be nothing at all. But Lottie didn’t want to take the chance.

In a room that would eventually lead out onto the field, Lottie hid behind the door to watch them talk.

“You were in the foster system right? How long was it?”

“Six years.” Nat responded. She tapped the lad of her fingers across her thumbs nervously over and over again. The tall girl snapped her fingers, “that’s right!” Nat’s smile was stuck in her face, but from what Lottie could see Natalie wanted to get as far away from this girl as possible.

“Y’know my cousins family fostered a few kids. They said they took care of a girl named Natalie for a new months. Was that you?”

Natalie didn’t respond, her manic expression weakened. For the first time since Lottie had seen her again, she looked intimidated.

Lottie had to keep herself from bursting through the door, and dragging Natalie back to their team.

“Her name is Drea, my cousin I mean.” Something in the air shifted, Natalie forced her smile back on her face, painfully so, as the girl continued, “there’s some kind of legal case going on with her family. If you know something, you should contact the authorities back in Brooklyn.” She grabbed Natalie’s wrist gently, though Nat flinched anyways. She placed a card or piece of paper in Nat’s hand then walked away, wishing her luck in the game. Nat stared at the card with such intensity before ripping it up slowly. She tossed her shredded pieces on the floor and shivered. A tremor in her whole body. Natalie’s hand reached up to her mouth, covering it, trying to force the manic smile off her face. Lottie couldn’t keep herself from her teammate anymore.

She pushed ooen the door completely and entered the room. Nat acknowledged her, eyes widened in fear, horror. Lottie carefully walked over and raised her hand ever so slowly. Lottie looked at Nat for permission before taking Natalie hand off her face. There were red crescents from where Natalie dug her fingers into her skin. The scar on her lip was crooked up close. She wasn’t smiling anymore.

Lottie took Natalie’s hand and locked their fingers together. On the inside Lottie was entirely freaking out. Where she got this random confidence she had no idea but she wouldn’t waste it.

“We should go back to the team, okay?”

Nat’s manic look returned despite her eyes holding worlds of pain in them. She nodded and let go of Lottie’s hand, walking away and back toward the locker room.

———

Really, Lottie should’ve guessed the opposing team would play dirty.

After the shit they pulled with Nat, Lottie should’ve really thought how they would deal with the rest of the team.

They ended up making dirty plays the entire game. And then they’d trick the Yellowjackets into making dirty plays too. Lottie already had a yellow card and Shauna was getting real close to earning herself a red card.

The opposing team didn’t have a real strategy for the game, and their skills were mediocre at best. They depended on the Yellowjackets to fall for their bait. And they did. Again and again. Shockingly the only person who hadn’t fallen for their trick was Natalie. And coach Ben had already spoken to her about her lack of effort, she’d been putting in the work this game. Whatever he had said to her worked, and really it was the only reason they still had a fighting chance.

That was until the tall girl from before had slammed into Nat from behind. Lottie waited for their red card, but not even a yellow card showed up. Natalie had been sprawled across the field and was still having trouble getting back up, and the other players weren’t getting in trouble. Lottie should’ve let it slide. Shit happens. But telling herself that didn’t stop her from running over there and pushing the tall girl to the ground.

“The fucks your problem?”

Lottie fumed, “my problem? My fucking problem?” Lottie reached down and grabbed the other by her jersey and pulled her in close.

“You and your fucking team have less talent than our team manger combined, so you’ve gotta make up for it with dirty tricks like this!” Lottie gesture to where Natalie had been shoved. And where she no longer was. It took Lottie a second before two fingers had dug themselves into the back of Lottie’s collar and pulled her back.

“Drop it.” Natalie had said with her gravely rough voice that had in fact made Lottie drop her hand from the other girls jersey.

“You’re just gonna let her do that?”

“I said drop it, Lot.”

The nickname made Lottie’s face burn red. Natalie unhooked her fingers from Lottie’s collar and grabbed her forearm with not force and dragged Lottie back to their team.

It clicked to her then that Lottie and Natalie had held an actual conversation without her thinking too much about it.

They won the game that day. It made Lottie want to keep talking to Nat. Maybe Natalie wanted to talk to her too.

Chapter Text

Natalie remembered Lottie Matthews the same way she remembered everything and everyone else, perfectly.

Other people might consider Natalie’s eidetic memory a gift, Natalie considers it a fucking curse. How couldn’t she? All the bad things, like her father, and her mother, and the homes, the mother fucker. Really, just everything in between. Natalie started putting all her good memories in a box inside her own mind.

Good things and good people, that didn’t hurt her. She hides them away from the rest of her fucked up head so that whenever she thinks of those things, they won’t get tainted. A system, so that she can call back on when things were ok, ignoring the bad.

Natalie had been through a total of eight houses in the past six years after her father’s death. She doesn’t like to recall it, but when it’s ruined so much of her life it’s hard not to think about. It had been right after the time when she decided not to go directly home after her rec soccer practice. Instead of going home as her father demanded, she hid in the storage closet, cramped in with her teammate Lottie Matthews. They talked for a bit before a coach found them and ratted them out to their parents. When she waved goodbye to Lottie she had a feeling it’d be the last she may ever see her.

She took in the memory, wandering her memories like a labyrinth in order to safely recall. Lottie was taller than her, not by much but it was noticeable. She fiddled with her thumbs when she was nervous and shifted her eyes around a lot. There was a grass stain on her left knee that day. Her uniform was rumpled by the cramped closet. She was kind and smiled at her. Natalie liked Lottie a lot. She was a good person. So Natalie filed her away, untouched by the bad and the ugly.

The trailer was quiet when Natalie entered. Her family was never quiet, not even at night when both of them were either passed out drunk or getting high on whatever substances they got their hands on. Her mother was at the counter, a nasty black eye swelled up along with blood on the collar on her shirt. she was trembling. Natalie said nothing. Her father was still on the recliner, there was a yellow spot on the ceiling where cigarette smoke stained it. In his hand was an empty bottle of beer, and next to him were about three more of them. Natalie always had to be quiet growing up in her trailer, but the broken glass on the floor and the syringes of various drugs ended up caught in the carpet and could make it hard. Finally her father spoke.

“Why the fuck did I get a call from the recreation center?”

He didn’t ask it like a question. Because he already knew the answer.

Natalie wasn’t sure why this of all things had set him off, but then again sometimes he’d look for any reason to just to make his family’s life’s a living hell.

Really the only thing Riccardo Scatorccio enjoyed about being a father was all the horrible and humiliating ways he could hurt his daughter. The beatings, the yelling. Even worse than that was the storage unit. His car parked there, unusable by the damage it’s sustained over the years. The backseat of it clouded her mind as if it were an unbreathable fog . The worst nights were when he’d drag her out of bed, telling her they were making a trip to the unit to reorganize it. Natalie fucking hated him. She hated that storage unit. She hated that car.

After ten seconds of silence, Natalie’s father rose from the chair, belt in hand. The lines in his face tightened with age, he looked older than he was.

“I asked you a question Natty.”

Natalie stopped tensing her body. It always hurt more if she wasn’t relaxed. Her father glared, she could smell his breath from where she stood. It wasn’t just his personality that fucking reeked. He pointed at the spot on the floor right in front of him. “Get over here. Right now.” Some part of Natalie still held onto the rebellious spirit she had back at the rec center. Unwilling to go home. And now, unwilling to just let herself suffer.

“No.”

Natalie’s father’s face contorted, a mix of confusion and anger displayed. His eyes were bloodshot, he still wore his work clothes, except the belt he was holding incredibly tightly now. The sound of leather being held in such a tight grip made a chill go up her spine.

“What the fuck did you just say to me.”

Fire built in Natalie’s heart. A hatred so strong she just couldn’t keep her mouth shut.

“I said to fuck off.”

Natalie sneered, clenching her fist prepared to evade. Her father sloppily approached her, his hand outstretched to grab her and hold her in place. She threw her practice bag in his face, giving herself time to race around him. The strap of the bag caught on his neck, his drunkenness allowed his momentum to shift back, falling as Natalie rushed to her room. Her mother hadn’t moved an inch. If Natalie’s mother knew how do anything correct it was to stay out of her husband’s way. It’s how she avoided the brunt of the abuse, her survival depended on Natalie’s own pain. Before Natalie got to her room she swung by the closet right next to her room, she knew that’s where her father’s shotgun stayed. It’d be fully loaded, how else would he convince her to go storage room in the dead of night. He needed incentive.

She grabbed the gun from the closet and ran to her room. She closed her door but there wasn’t a doorknob. Natalie doesn’t remember a time where it had been installed in the first place.

She moved to hide the gun under her bed, something deep inside her told her it better to bring it out when he wasn’t expecting. Maybe that was her father’s intuition.

“Get the fuck out of there or I’m coming in!” Her father yelled. Natalie’s hands trembled, fear invaded her senses.

The door slammed open. Her father looked stressed, the belt in his hand swayed with each step he took towards her. His arm was bleeding, he must’ve fallen on one of the syringes on the floor or cut it on broken glass. “You are such god damn hassle, you know that?” His hoarse voice made Natalie flinch. “Got that from you.” She managed, her father’s eyebrow flicked up in surprise. “No one likes a smart mouth Natty.”

He grabbed her arm as she stared holes into the floor and they fell into a familiar routine. Natalie didn’t fight back this time. She let him beat her again and again. Eventually he’ll get tired, she told herself. He’d give up soon, he always did when he got it out of his system. When Natalie realized he was done, she noticed the pain in her body. Her father breathed heavily, a grim look on his face. “You put me through so much trouble.” He sighed and sunk down to where she was curled up on the floor. He tucked a strand of bloody hair behind her head. “Aren’t you tired of it honey? You can’t do anything right can you?” His sickeningly sweet tone made Natalie want to throw up.
He moved his hand to cup her cheek, “All you do is disobey me and make my life miserable, you can’t even answer me questions.” Natalie’s father dug his fingers into her skin, dragging them down her face leaving angry red lines. His hand closed around her throat. Natalie let a gasp out as her father took his other hand and closing it around her neck too.

“I’m gonna snap your neck babygirl. Then neither of us will have to suffer anymore. Hm? It’s all gonna be okay.”

His voice trembled, Natalie didn’t think he was even himself anymore. Out of his line of sight Natalie moved her arm under her bed grasping the gun. Her vision blurred, filled with black spots. A deafening sound banged through her room. Natalie could hear her mothers scream, tearing her fathers headless body off of Natalie. Cradling it. As if he didn’t treat them like dirt. Natalie was supposed to feel guilt wasn’t she? She killed her father. She could feel his hot blood dripping down her face. Her hands hurt from the recoil and she was pretty sure the butt of the gun slammed into her face. Her lip felt more than split open. But it would be okay. He wouldn’t hurt them anymore. Natalie and her mother would live in peace now. She’ll forgive Natalie eventually, once she realizes Nat did them both a favor it would be okay.

Everything was going to be okay.

———

Natalie hadn’t left her trailer in a month. Her mother moved in and out, bringing home men, drugs, and wine. Her mother took her father’s place now.

Her mother would stare to hard at her face. The stitches on her lip ached. She smacked her after fifty seconds of staring.

When the police arrived at their trailer, they questioned Natalie after taking her to the hospital. Her father had broken a few ribs beating her. She had bruise that reached from the bridge of her nose down to her eyes. Then there was the raw welts on her body from the belt. Finally they asked about the dark bruises on her throat. Shockingly they believed her when she told them her father had tried to kill her, so she killed him instead. She couldn’t go to juvie, she had a mother to take care of, so Natalie was grateful they didn’t press any further about her father’s death.

They asked about the storage room. Natalie didn’t want to talk about that, so she told the cops to fuck off.

Her mother had begun to hit her frequently. She didn’t feed her or do anything to take care of Natalie really. She snuck food from the cupboards and the fridge. The familiarity would’ve been comforting had her mother let her eat or bathe or even leave the fucking trailer. Instead Natalie sat inside her room, listening to the same CD’s and tapes over and over again.

One night her mother opened her bedroom door. The whole trailer fucking reeked. Her father’s blood still hadn’t been washed off the walls. Nat didn’t think it ever would be. She sat up from bed., “What do you want?” Her mother glared at her, she was fully dressed with her keys in hand. A part of Natalie wondered if she was going to kill her with them, avenge her husband or something by gouging her eyes out with a car key. “Let’s go.” Her mother demanded. No room for argument, Natalie got up. She didn’t even put shoes on before following her mother to their car. The cold bit into her skin, she was only wearing a shirt and thrifted basketball shorts. Even in the dark she could see her mother’s face. She’d made up her mind about something, Natalie was sure of it.

They drove for about thirty minutes before making their way to a building with its lights still on. “Get out.” Natalie got out of the car and walked over to the drivers side, her mother’s window was rolled down.

“From here on out I never want to see you again.”

“Are you leaving me here?” Natalie asked. Her voice was gravely from the lack of use.

Her mother didn’t answer the question, “you’re not my fucking problem, don’t ever come back to my trailer. If you come back I’m going to kill you. Do you understand me?”

Natalie nodded. “I understand.” The window rolled up and Vera Scatorccio drove off.

No one found her until the next morning. They asked her if she needed help. Natalie told them her mother left her here and that she wasn’t coming back.

That building ended up being a foster care center. Natalie was signed into the system with nothing but the clothes on her back, her name, age, and her memories.

———

Natalie ended up getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder sometime between house seven to eight. She was supposed to stay medicated. And once the other houses realized that she would physically start fighting them in order to avoid the medication, they gave her up and passed her on.

The pills made her numb. Not happy not sad, supposedly she was meant to find those things on her own. It was easier to be unmedicated, where her mood swings brought her feelings naturally. Her mania let her be happy and angry all at once and she didn’t have to fight for it. It made her feel invincible, like she never had to sleep again. The lows gave her time to be sad and frustrated and quiet. Getting out of bed was the hardest thing in the world, but with no expectations from anyone she let the dark pit swallow her hole until it was done. (It does bad things to her. She knows it does, but Natalie thought drowning was better than nothing at all.) When she was medicated she had to force herself to do things that made her feel. Making people mad at her, taking joy rides in cars, taking substances that made her feel like she didn’t even exist. Often times she just wanted to feel pain and the meds wouldn’t let her dwell on her memories properly. If Natalie thought about the bad things that happened it made her go back to that comforting dark place. She stole a razor and allowed herself to feel. Natalie even welcomed the embarrassment and shame afterwards, it was better than the numbness. She covered up her scars entirely with long black sleeves.

Eventually they moved her into the ninth house. She hadn’t realized she was back in Wiskayok until she saw the rec center passing by as she watched through her new foster father’s car. His name was Ben Scott, he had told her. For the next year or so he would take care of her, until she turned eighteen and could be on her own. Natalie counted the days down. It’s not like she didn’t like Ben, in all honesty he was by far the best home she stayed in. He didn’t hurt her or scream at her or do what the mother fucker did to her. She just wanted her own freedom. And he understood that. One thing she didn’t like about him was his boyfriend, it’s not like he was mean or whatever but he didn’t treat Ben that great. She didn’t know when this strange protectiveness came over her but it felt nice. Another emotion she was able to discover even medicated.

Ben’s boyfriend, Paul, was loud. He didn’t mean to yell but it’s like he always had to be heard. Natalie avoided talking to him.

School rolled around, Ben had cared for her at the start of summer so she’d been with him for about three months. Natalie was enrolled in Wiskayok high school. It was fine she supposed. At this point she’d stopped taking her medication a week before the first semester started, being thrown into mania after a few days.

She was able to act around Ben. Pretend to be her monotone, lifeless, medicated, self. But at school it had been much more freeing. After only three days she’d been revered as crazy and avoided by everyone expect for Vanessa Palmer.

Her old best friend asked her if she remembered her. Van was also put into her box of happy memories and good things. She remembered nights spent away from the trailer park and shaking old gum-ball machines because they were too loose to hold the candy. for Natalie smiled at her, a real one that would’ve been there medicated or not. They started hanging out, smoking weed when they could and just talking about random shit. Natalie had missed Van a lot. Van had encouraged her to join the soccer team in which she told her she’d rather cut her fingers off than do something as pointless as that.

At some point Ben had caught on to her sobriety.

“Natalie, can we talk.” Natalie was reading a book assigned in class. Ethan Frome was its title and Natalie fucking hated it. She’d rip it apart as soon as the unit was over. She set the book down.

Ben sat next to her on the couch, far enough away to where she could have room to get up and leave. Natalie stayed put and watched as he held up her medication.

“Can I ask why the amount in this bottle hasn’t changed?” Natalie hadn’t taken her Medication for about three weeks, she’d been about four months clean as well, no new scars came with Ben’s care. Natalie didn’t lie to him.

“I stopped taking them.”

Ben inhaled and sighed, nodding his head, “can I ask why?”

Natalie shrugged and took the pill bottle from him, “I fucking hate these Ben.” “I know you do Natalie but-“ “I don’t feel real things when I take them. It takes to much energy and effort to feel things when I take them. I’d rather be unstable than not feel anything at all.” Ben bit his lower lip. “What can I do to make you start taking them again?” Natalie gave him the Straight forward answer, the absolute truth. “You can’t.” Natalie put the bottle on the coffee table in front of them. “You don’t need to act monotone in front of me.” Ben offered. Natalie let go of her act and smiled at him. Ben was nice and understanding. She liked him a lot. Ben shivered a little, “how about this…” he raised his open palms as if her were offering something, Natalie raised an eyebrow.

“Play for my team and i won’t make you take these.”

“No.”

Ben signed again, retracting his arms a little, “just listen.” Natalie smiled in amusement and laughed a little, Ben thought it a little creepy but let it go.

“Not enough people tried out for varsity this year. Coach Martinez keeps suggesting to move someone on JV up but I just don’t think they’ll be able to step up.”

Natalie laughed again, “and you think I could do that.” He shrugged, “with the right incentive I think you’ll be willing to drag us all the way to regionals. Maybe even states this year.” Ben reached down and picked up the medication again, “In won’t tell anybody at the foster care system that your ignoring your court mandated medication as long as you play.”

Natalie thought about the courts ruling. She’d once broken someone’s arm while unmedicated and she was let off on parole and an order to stay drugged. The houses that let her go didn’t tell anyone about her lack of sobriety, they just asked her to go to Someone else.

Ben didn’t make her go away. He hadn’t hurt her in anyway and she genuinely liked her new foster father. Natalie spoke, “alright but I’m not doing all that much for practices, that being said,” Natalie stood up, “I’ll help you win your stupid fucking games.” Natalie smiled with teeth and walked to her room.

———

Natalie didn’t understand why Lottie wouldn’t talk to her.

She’d noticed her looking at Nat from afar on their first day. Actually she often caught Lottie looking at her before looking away. It amused Natalie in full honesty. Lottie clearly wanted to talk to Nat. Natalie wouldn’t go to her though, Lottie would have to make the first move if she wanted to be friends. Natalie had fond memories of the now much taller girl. She waited patiently, but she wasn’t expecting the way they would finally speak.

Natalie always got dressed quickly before games. Besides the scars on her arms, she had a few scars from her father and a few of the homes she was fostered in. She wasn’t ashamed per-say, but she didn’t want people staring at her with either disgust or pity, or even asking questions. The second Natalie was done getting ready for the game, a group of girls from the home team entered the locker room. Natalie’s heart dropped, the girl in front was tall, brunette, and looked too much like the mother fucker. Besides her face, the only difference was that the girl in front of her was younger and her hair was darker.

“Can I speak with you? Just if you’ve got a free moment.” Natalie nodded yes and walked outside the locker room with them.

“My names Ashely, this is rose and Kylie.” Ashely had gestured to the girls with her. They were in a foyer that lead out to the field. “Your names Natalie right?” Natalie nodded, her smile stuck on her face.

Ashley stepped up to, something inside Natalie’s entire being screamed danger. She couldn’t back away now, she couldn’t let this predator know she was prey. A questioning look crossed the taller girls face, “You were in the foster system right? How long was it?” She’d asked.
Natalie tapped her fingers against her thumb, an old nervous habit she’d never broken. “Six years.” Natalie forced out. Ashley smiled again and snapped her fingers. Natalie wanted to crawl into a hole and die. “That’s right!” Ashley got even closer. “Y’know my cousins family fostered a few kids. They said they took care of a girl named Natalie for a new months. Was that you?”

Natalie wanted to leave. She wanted to go back to her team or hide inside another storage closet like she was ten years old again. Dread filled inside of her, “Her name is-“ Natalie tuned the name, out. All she could think about was the mother fucker, the mother fucker and her hands. “my cousin I mean.” Ashely said. After the ball dropped and Natalie had started to dissociate. She could see and hear everything but she wouldn’t let herself be there. It needed to stop, it had to stop. She could feel old bruises. Not the violent kind, but some other kind. Worse ones, really.

“there’s some kind of legal case going on with her family. If you know something, you should contact the authorities back in Brooklyn.” Ashley took Natalie’s arm, Natalie had to keep herself from wrenching her arm away and breaking this girls jaw. Her mind was hazy, she could comprehend Ashley placing something in her hand, wishing her luck, and then walking away. Natalie brought herself back. Her heart thumped, she was sure everyone in the building could hear it. With shaky hands, Nat took what seemed to be a business card for the police department back in Brooklyn and tore the paper to shreds. How? God how the fuck did she find her? And why here of all places, wasn’t this place supposed to be safe?

The door that opened into the Foyer opened and Natalie saw Lottie Matthews standing there. An odd sense of relief washed over her. Her face began to hurt and she noticed that she put her hand over her mouth, digging her nails into her face, right above her lip. Lottie walked over to her calmly. She didn’t ask any questions, just looked at her for permission. Lottie tenderly took Natalie’s hand off her face. The girl was truly beautiful up close. Her skin was soft as she took Natalie’s hand in her own. So very gentle and kind, it almost made Natalie want to cry of relief.

“We should go back to the team, okay?”

Natalie’s amusement with Lottie took over again, her eyes were still blurry with tears but she smiled nonetheless. She really liked Lottie.

———

The other team was a bunch of dirty fucking players. Their skills and plays were shit so their entire strategy was to throw the Yellowjackets off their game so bad they got around making points by actually playing the game.

Each team took turns getting yellow cards, everyone except for Natalie and Taissa. But Tai looked close to breaking the other teams strikers ankles. Ben asked her, pleaded really, to be a team player and keep her cool. Natalie shrugged and did as Ben asked. It was out of pity, recently Ben and Paul had gotten into a fight about Natalie’s sobriety and lack thereof. He was emotional and Natalie wanted to let Ben know he hadn’t made a mistake letting her stay unmedicated. She made up for her team’s anger and frustration by staying calm and collected. That nearly got thrown out the window though when the tall girl, Ashley slammed into her, throwing Natalie across the ground and off her game. But she hadn’t hear a whistle or see the yellow card being handed to Ashley, Natalie barely stumbled up before watching Lottie Matthews intervene.

“The fucks your problem?” Ashley yelled as Lottie pushed her on the ground. Lottie reached down and yanked the other girl up by her jersey, “my problem? My fucking problem?” Anger was an attractive emotion on Lottie, Natalie couldn’t help but notice. It wasn’t uncommon for someone to defend her teammate in a fit of rage but not many people could get a rise out Lottie easily. Of course the last thing the team needed was a red card. Natalie walked over to where the two girls yelled at each, “my problem? My fucking problem?”

Lottie sneered, “You and your fucking team have less talent than our team manger combined, so you’ve gotta make up for it with dirty tricks like this!” Lottie gestured towards where Natalie was shoved.

Before things escalated further, Natalie snagged her fingers in the back of Lotties collar and pulled her away. An amused grin had been displayed on Nat’s face, “Drop it.” Lottie let go of Ashley’s jersey, the other girl scoffed and turned away. “You’re just gonna let her do that?” Lottie asked, frustrated at Natalie’s compliance. “I said drop it, Lot.” Natalie hadn’t been sure where that nickname came from but watching Lottie’s face flush made it worthwhile. Natalie let Lottie’s jersey go, the conversation with Ashley still lingered. Natalie welcomed the interest she suddenly had in Lottie Matthews with open arms.

Chapter Text

Natalie’s has been watching Lottie.

Not in a weird or creepy way. Well, maybe a little weird, but Lottie didn’t exactly mind it.

Her gaze hadn’t felt heavy or judgmental, overseeing her every move. It was more like she was watching out for her. A quiet protection.

In their shared biology class, Lottie felt the familiar gaze coming from the bleached blond girl that sat diagonally behind her. Their teacher had been standing at the very front, going over something on a slide show. She took the chance while his back was turned. Lottie suppressed a smile and turned around, eyebrow quirked. “You’re staring at me.” Natalie hadn’t looked away, holding Lottie’s gaze with a blank expression, “no I wasn’t.” Natalie said, the corners of her mouth quirking up in an amused grin.

“Miss Matthews, is there something more interesting in the back of the classroom you’d like to share?” Her teacher had called from the front.

Lottie shifted again, facing the front.

“No…”

There had been a quiet laughter through out the classroom, the teacher turned his back again. Lottie breathed out, embarrassed. Still, she turned her head just a little, Natalie in her peripheral vision, acting as if they hadn’t spoken at all. Lottie faced the front, covering her smile with the palm of her hand.

The overhead lights turned on. The bell rung, and class ended.

———

Outside the locker room the smell of smoke caught Lottie by surprise. She’d always been the last person in the locker room, taking the longest shower (as well as most of the hot water.)

Natalie leaned against the side of the brick wall, cigarette in hand and already looking at Lottie before she even saw Nat. In the moment of shock, Lottie allowed her eyes to wander. Natalie was wearing sleeveless band T-shirt with paper dolls on it, black stressed jeans and combat boots. Her hair was already dry from the shower, her roots peaking in a little. Nat’s black sleeves were on, like always. The scar on her lip was almost invisible in the natural daylight. She smiled at Lottie.

“You’re staring.”

Lottie faked offense, “you’re one to talk.” Natalie moved off the wall, taking a drag and then pointing her cigarette at Lottie. “What’s that supposed to mean, Matthews?” Lottie smiled and tilted her head, “I mean,” she stepped closer, “I’m always catching you watching me. Something you wanna say?” She teased.

Natalie laughed. The sound made Lottie heart jump a little.

“Says the girl that took nearly a month to say a word to me.”

Lottie cocked her head back, smile wide in glee, “in my defense, you seemed just a little-“ “unapproachable?” Suddenly the air shifted a little. Awkward in a way.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

Natalie waved her off, Lottie’s eyes shifted from the gravel to Natalie. “It’s fine. I didn’t make myself very,” she circled her hands, trying to find the right words, “welcoming?” The brunette shook her head, “No. No, I’m just glad it’s not like that now.” Lottie quirked a smile again, Natalie dropped her cigarette and crushed it under her boot. She put her hands inside her pockets, “why didn’t you talk to me?” Lottie shrugged, “I didn’t know if you remembered me.” Natalie looked surprised, not amused or smug, just surprised. “Of course I remember you.” Lottie felt her blood rush to her face. She tried to speak but nothing came out. She felt a little dumb. Natalie smirked and walked away. Leaving Lottie dumbfounded and embarrassed and feeling her heart pound inside her chest.

———

Lottie had trouble sleeping two nights later. She shifted and turned and rolled around beneath her sheets but she just couldn’t get comfortable. It was too hot or too cold. It felt like there was something she had to do. Something important but she couldn’t figure out what.

The quiet empty mansion made her body ache in a way it hadn’t in years. She’d gotten used to being alone but for some reason that loneliness hit her hard tonight. Lottie heard the quiet sound of a grandfather clock ticking two rooms down in her father’s study. The one with books about business and binders filled with company information, collecting dust from his absence. As she grew older her parents took longer and longer vacations and work trips together. Any reason to get away from their sick daughter was taken without hesitation. It made Lottie feel like an embarrassment. She wondered if anyone outside of Wiskayok even knew the Matthews family had a daughter. The silk of her pajamas rubbed against Lottie’s skin and it made her want to rip everything in her room to shreds. In an exhausted fury she got up from her bed and grabbed her alarm clock. It was three in the morning. She threw it against the dresser, its pieces shattered across the floor. No one came bursting through the door demanding and explanation or seeing if she was okay. It felt lonesome. It felt good.

She grabbed her textbooks and threw them too. Lottie ripped her curtains from where they hung, throwing scented candles just to hear glass break. By the time she was done destroying her room she didn’t feel lonesome anymore. Lottie didn’t feel fulfilled either, just angry. There weren’t enough objects to destroy in the world to fix her. The sound of a few taps on her window drew her attention away from the breakdown. Lottie’s chest heaved and her hands shook. She coughed seeing the figure in the window. She wiped her hand on her dry mouth and approached the window. She made out the shape of Natalie’s grin with ease.

Lottie pushed the window open, Natalie crouched right outside her window on the roof. She was wearing all black from her leather jackets to the color of her shoe laces. Lottie bet that Natalie was wearing those black sleeves right now too.

“Am I interrupting something?”

Lottie shook her head, “just my late night meltdown.” She blinked realizing Natalie was outside her widow and three in the fucking morning.

“What are you doing here?”

Natalie shrugged and tapped her fingers on Lottie’s windowsill. “Got bored. couldn’t sleep. Pick your favorite.” Lottie stepped back to let Natalie in. Somehow In the destruction of priceless beautiful things, Natalie fit right in. Her interested eyes took in the scene before turning to Lottie, like most times, smiling. “I knew we’d get along.”

Lottie crossed her arms over herself in embarrassment, “Did you um… need something?” Natalie grinned, “do you wanna go smoke in the woods?” Yes, Lottie thought immediately. “I’ll have to get dressed first.” She shrugged. Natalie stepped over the various broken trinkets and left Lottie’s room giving her privacy. Suddenly she didn’t feel so lonely, like her breakdown from before hadn’t mattered and it was really nothing more than a mess to clean up. As Lottie dressed herself she thought about the possible consequences that might come with sneaking out. She didn’t need permission and no one would ever know outside of Natalie, but she can’t help but think of her medication.

The small bottle tucked away in her cabinet held so much control over her life. Lottie took one during breakfast and then after dinner. She wondered if this sleepless night would affect the schedule. She thought of her father’s gaze, unforgiving of the embarrassment his daughter brought upon their family.

A knock on her door distracted Lottie from her thoughts of rebellion. “Almost done?” Natalie asked. Lottie imaged she was propped up against the door, guarding it from nothing. “Just about.” She responded. Lottie grabbed a messenger bag from her closet, the one she used in middle school, and filled it with various items. A Polaroid camera, a spare jacket, her phone, and her wallet. “Coming!” She called out. Lottie heard the door creak a little and she smiled to herself about Natalie’s predictability, she had been guarding the door. Lottie opened the door to see Natalie with her hands in her pockets, a blank expression displayed. Natalie turned around and gestured for Lottie to follow her through her own house. As they descended the stairs Nat looked around the mansion, “tacky.” She commented. Lottie laughed at the honesty, “yeah. It does tend to look like a commercial property doesn’t it?”

They left the mansion, Lottie left it unlocked. She couldn’t care less who wandered in considering present company. “How can you live in that all the time?” Natalie asked. Lottie pondered it herself. She spent as much time away from the mansion as possible. She hated how such a huge place felt confining, suffocating like a prison. Of course she could never tell Natalie this considering her own life, she didn’t want to sound stuck up. “I don’t know. I try not to think about it.” Natalie considered that and trailed down the road.

The forest was an overgrown desolate area with a thin dirt trail leading into it. Natalie walked it like she’d done it a thousand times before. Lottie guessed she had.

A curious look was on Nat’s face, like she was looking for something. She hummed to herself, a song Lottie didn’t recognize as Natalie tapped the songs rhythm on the sides of her legs. Sometimes she’d pick up speed ducking off the trail before getting right back on.

“So are we just walking around or is there an end goal?” Lottie asked. Natalie didn’t look back, “there’s an end goal. M’ just not sure if still exists.” That took Lottie aback a bit. Natalie always spoke like she was positive in everything she was saying, it was odd to see her unsure.

“What do you mean?” Natalie shrugged and looked back a bit, smiling, “don’t worry.” Well, that make Lottie worry.

The sound of water caught Lottie’s attention. Once Natalie noticed it too, she took off. Lottie chased after her.

“No way, no way, no way.” Natalie murmured, Lottie barely heard her over the sounds of rushing water and the wind zipping past her. Natalie abruptly stopped at a bush and climbed inside.

“Uh, Nat!”

The water rushed below them, a large river about fifteen feet below.

“No fucking way!” Natalie shouted. Lottie cursed and pushed through the brambles. They were on a cliff edge that hung over the river. One of the branches had a thick rope hanging from it. Natalie pulled on it, it held weight. Lottie’s heart skipped watching Natalie being so happy. She could smile and laugh all she wanted but that didn’t stop Lottie from seeing the dark that creeped behind her eyes. Natalie laughed, “I can’t belive it’s still here!” Nat took her jacket off and began to strip off her pants and shirt as well, leaving her in boxers, a red bra, and those black sleeves.

“Check this out.” Natalie said, turning around to look at Lottie before grabbing the rope and swinging off the ledge and into the river.

Lottie’s face flushed watching Natalie swim up from the water. Her bleach blond hair sticking to her face as the fabric of her boxers clung to her thighs.

“You getting in or what?” Natalie shouted, arms open, practically daring Lottie to give in. She was smirking at her, how could Lottie say no to that look? Lottie took her clothes off, leaving only her undergarments and did a very ungraceful swing off the ledge. Her back burned from the way she hit the water. “Oooh!” Natalie teased, with a hand over her mouth, “I heard how much that must’ve hurt!” Her manic expression hadn’t faltered as she swam her way over to where Lottie was.

The water was freezing, chilling to the bone and any lingering tiredness from before had been swept away by the current. Lottie grinned, splashing water at Natalie’s face. She blocked it, and must’ve found a patch of solid ground, not that Lottie realized it until Nat had flung herself at Lottie, bringing them both under the surface.

“You dick!” Lottie laughed, splashing at Natalie’s again. “Not my fault you’re gullible, Lot.” She joked. There’s that nickname again, the one shared between the rare private moments between them.

Basked in the moonlight, Natalie’s pale skin could be seen to clearly have various scars in different shapes and sizes. And she was letting Lottie see it, she realized. Natalie never changed in the locker room slow enough for anyone to catch a glimpse of the scarred skin.

She was telling Lottie that she was trusting her with it. Holding it out to her and asking her to keep it between them, that this was just for them. Natalie raised an eyebrow, Lottie waited for her to say it.

“You’re staring.”

———

Practice has been canceled due to excessive rainfall. It was bad enough to practically flood the field. Lottie watched as the grey sky above thundered and flashed white with lightning. It was comforting, Lottie really liked rainy days. She sat on the front steps of the school, an overhang kept her dry from the rain. But just to be safe, Lottie kept an umbrella open.

Suddenly Natalie was there. Her black clothes were drenched and she could see goosebumps trailed on her skin.

“Hey.”

Lottie smiled, “hi.” The corners of Natalie’s mouth twitched up. She looked fidgety, trailing her thumb across the pads of her fingers. “You look cold.” Lottie pointed out, “I feel it.” Natalie agreed.

Lottie dug into her pocket and held out a lighter. “Wanna hide under the bleachers and smoke?” Nat tilted her head in curiosity, “Is it your turn after the other night?” Lottie nodded. They never ended up smoking like Natalie promised, they spent most of the time throwing each other around in the water. But once they were dried off Natalie made it clear she was no longer okay with physical touch. Maybe the water made it bearable, or maybe it was the temperature. Maybe it was just how Natalie felt. Whatever it was, Lottie respected Nat’s boundaries without question and walked home to a dreamless sleep.

“I’ll have to ask my foster father.” Natalie said. Lottie watched as Natalie took her phone out of her jacket pocket, dialed a number, and held the phone up against her ear.

“Hey.” Natalie waited a few seconds, “would it be cool if I stayed at the school a little longer? Since practice was canceled I have some time.”

A small bit of silence drifted as the man on the phone responded. “Yes, yes I don’t have any homework. No, I won’t be out late.” Natalie tapped her foot in impatience, waiting for her foster dad to finish what he was saying, “I’ll be home for dinner, bye.” She clicked the end call button and put her phone away.

“I can smoke for a bit.”

Lottie stood up from the steps and led the way to the bleachers, doing her best to hide her giddiness.

They sat down under the bleachers where the grass was dry. No one else was there, just the two of them. Natalie waltzed over to a spot and slumped down. She laid out on the grass, not caring that grass would get in her hair.

A question pulled a Lottie as she sat down, the sound of raindrops hitting the metal above became soft background noise. “Why did you have to call your foster father today but it wasn’t an issue the other night?” Lottie asked. Natalie shrugged, pursing her lips, “cause he was awake to ask.” Lottie supposed that made sense. Natalie didn’t need permission if there was no one around to ask. She wondered how much of Nat’s life was lived like that.

“Who is your foster dad anyway?” Lottie asked. It wasn’t some conspiracy or mystery big enough to question, but asking Natalie about her life felt right. As if this were the setting perfect for it. “Coach Ben.” Nat said. Lottie waited for the punch line or a mischievous smirk on Natalie lips. Nothing changed, Natalie was being absolutely serious. “Wait really?” “Yup.” Natalie sat up, lighting a cigarette and taking a drag. “He started taking care of me at the beginning of summer. He’s Okay. He’s by far the best home I’ve been in.” Natalie said. Lottie believed Ben was an okay foster dad, but now she was thinking about all the other homes Natalie may have been in. Lottie thought of all the horrible things people say children have endured in the foster care system. A name popped up in Lottie’s head, the same one that girl from the game had mentioned that made Natalie go blank for a minute. Maybe she shouldn’t bring it up but Lottie let her worry and curiosity take over.

“Who’s Drea?”

Lottie had made the wrong decision after all. Natalie’s expression went cold. Her whole body stiffened at just the name, her eyes looking straight through Lottie.

“I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Natalie-“ Lottie started but Natalie held up a hand.

“No.”

That had been that. Natalie would not talk about it anymore and Lottie knew better than to ask. She picked at the grass, wondering how to salvage this conversation. Had she pushed too far? Asked for too much? Her father always said she was too demanding of a child, and now she was beginning to believe he was right. Lottie thought about the way Natalie had clammed up back at the other team’s foyer, hand suppressing something with her nails digging into her mouth. The glassy look in her eyes. Someone had shattered something in Natalie long ago, she’d spent time glueing the pieces together again just for someone to start prodding at the vulnerable shards. Lottie forced herself to look up at the other girl, “why did you get back into soccer?” It should’ve been a safe question right? Nothing crossing over into unwanted territory? Natalie looked at her, gaze refocused.

“Ben asked me. He said you were short on varsity girls and didn’t want to pull from the JV.” Natalie explained. “I only agreed because I felt like I owe him something. Like i said, he hasn’t done anything to make me hate him so far. He’s been good. I like him enough, so why not?” Lottie wanted to point out that Natalie didn’t owe Ben anything just because he was being a good guardian but what did she know? It’s not Lottie’s parents were around enough to compare.

Natalie’s cigarette had mostly burned out. Natalie took notice and crushed the cherry against the sole of her boot. She tossed the pack of cigarettes to Lottie, half full. As Nat sat up and stretched, Lottie simply sat there watching her shirt ride up just a little.

“Keep it.” Natalie offered, shouldering her backpack. “Next time you want to ask something personal, you share something personal first. It’ll be a game, we can go back and forth.” She proposed. Lottie simply nodded and watched as Natalie grinned at her and walked off. Lottie wished Natalie hadn’t crushed that cigarette, she could’ve shared the rest with Lottie. Even if had just been the one drag she would’ve savored Natalie’s taste just a little. It was a weird thought, one Lottie should bury deep down because Natalie probably wouldn’t like to be thought of like that. So instead, Lottie looked down at the pack Nat had left for her and wondered what exactly she was getting herself into.

Chapter Text

Natalie took a swig of vodka, her hand gripped the neck of the bottles hard enough she wondered if it would crack.

“I am so fucked.” She sighed, kicking up dirt. She and Van had taken refuge in a junkyard since Vans place wasn’t an option. Her trailer was too close to Natalie’s mother’s trailer, and if she saw Nat, the girl had a feeling her mom would follow up on her threat to kill her.

“You are so fucked.” Van agreed. She was sitting in the bed of a truck they’d just destroyed. She’d rolled a joint some time after and was watching Natalie spiral. “I mean I gave her my cigarettes! What was I thinking?” Nat mused. She swung a bent golf club around and hit a piece of metal on the ground. It broke the window of some rust bucket, the glass shattered on the hard dirt ground. Natalie shivered a little at the sound, forcing the memories of her father’s habits down. She stared at the vodka in her hand. Natalie rolled her eyes and took another drink.

“Ya think you should slow down a bit?” Van nodded at the bottle. Natalie shook her head and swallowed. The burn in her throat set her head right, she grinned and aimed another shot, wood splinters flew like snow. Natalie took in the smell of it all and sighed, “I mean, I never share my shit with anyone. I hardy share my homework with you! Let alone my cigarettes.” Natalie threw the club and sunk to a crouch. “You’re in deep.” Van commented. “I mean Jesus Nat, didn’t you two go like- skinny dipping or something recently? And you’re fussing over a pack of smokes.” Natalie shrugged, “first of all, it’s not skinny dipping if you’re both still wearing clothes. Second of all…” Nat threw her hands up, a smile plastered of her face. She wished she could wipe it off this once. “I dunno Van. I mean yeah, I like her. But nothings ever gonna come of it. So why the fuck!” Natalie shouted. Her eyes caught onto a busted up glockenspiel, she picked it up, lodging her fingers in between the keys and tossed it as far as she could. “Why the fuck,” she exclaimed again, “is it not going away?” Her brow furrowed as she put her head in her hands. Now she was just angry. Really fucking angry.

“Don’t pull your hair out dude. And try not to throw anymore xylophones.” Van asked, voice tinted with concern. “It’s a glockenspiel.” Natalie murmured. She kicked a rock. “Same difference. Don’t break your fingers doing that.” “I’ll break your fingers.” Natalie pointed at her before turning around and kicking something again.

Van waved her off and took a drag. She knew it was just an empty threat, Natalie would sooner break her own bones before purposely hurting Van.

“Can I ask you something?” Van said. Natalie nodded at her. “Why do you think nothing gonna come of it?” “Because I can’t let something come of it.” She pushed herself into the truck bed and lied next to Van, leaving a space between them to avoid any skin on skin contact. “If I tell her I like her, and if by the small chance she likes me back-“ Van cut her off, “The much bigger chance,” “shut up. If she does like me back, I’m just gonna ruin her.” Natalie stole the joint from Vans hands, bringing it to her own lips.

“Why do you think you’re gonna ruin her?”

“Because I’m wrong.”

Van quirked an eyebrow. “Wrong?” “Yeah, like fundamentally, deep into my soul, wrong.” Van waited, the silence hanging over them. Natalie turned to her with a pained smile. “I can’t hurt her.”

———

Aggression tried to spill from Nat’s lips like blood. Sticking to her throat, choking her, eager to get out.

Jackie Taylor was in another one of her ‘team bonding’ moods, and Nat wanted no part of it. Jackie did her best to integrate Natalie into the team as smoothly as possible, but she’s just wasn’t made of the same metal as the rest of the girls. Where Natalie was sharp and burning, the others were coddled, soft in a way only love could’ve made someone. Family and friends weren’t a constant in Natalie’s life, she hadn’t a clue how to act like it was.

So when Jackie Taylor tried to get them to mix, Natalie put an end to it day one. She wouldn’t put up a front for other people, she wouldn’t try. Natalie didn’t want to antagonize Jackie, but she made it hard when she ignored Natalie’s indifference.

While Jackie was going on and on about some team sleepover that she planned, Natalie pictured throwing her cleat at her head. Maybe she would’ve if it hadn’t been for Shauna, who probably would’ve broke her nose for it.

That was another thing Natalie couldn’t stand about Jackie, her codependent, border-lining on romantic, relationship with Shauna. The only people who didn’t realize they weren’t in love were them and it was pissing Nat off.

“What about you Nat, you’re coming right?” Jackie asked. Where the presumption of Natalie being social came, from she had no idea. “Nope.” Natalie stated. Her arms were crossed, a smile daring Jackie to persist. “And why not?” Jackie pursed her lips. Natalie could feel Jackie’s irritation coming off in waves. She liked it.

“I’m busy.” She shrugged.

“Busy doing what.” Jackie stepped forward. Something about the look in the captain’s eyes made Natalie arms itch. An urge she only got when medicated swam through her body. She shoved it down.

“Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t concern you.” Natalie snarked, grinning. Natalie didn’t have any plans, but Jackie didn’t need to know that.

“Are you hiding something-“ Jackie got cut off. “Okay, just- stop.” Lottie exclaimed. Natalie felt something in her chest unfurl, the tension in her body dissipated. “Jesus Christ Jackie, sometimes people are just busy. It’s not that big of a deal, just drop it.” Lottie defending Nat had ended the conversation right then and there. Natalie found herself reminded of why she had been so fond of Lottie in the first place. Lottie was there for Natalie, like a beacon of comfort that Natalie didn’t think she deserved. Eventually Lottie would give up on Nat and realize she just wasn’t worth the effort, but for now Natalie took what she could get without complaint.

The team dispersed, leaving Natalie to her thoughts. A metal tapping sound caught her attention, nails clicking on the bench.

“Hey.” Natalie grinned at Lottie and the awkward way she sat down next to her. Natalie turned sideways, straddling the bench and supporting her body with her arms in front of her.

“Hi. Sorry about Jackie, she’s kind of pushy.” Lottie slouched a little, biting her lip as she struggled to make eye contact with Natalie. “That’s a nice word for it.” Natalie commented. Lottie laughed, if Natalie could’ve played the sound on repeat for the rest of her life she would. “I guess it is huh? She can be nice,” Lottie paused, looking at the look on Nat’s face, “I’m serious! She’s not all stern looks and demands but…” She exhaled, “she expects people to follow along with her.”

“Like Shauna.” Natalie addressed. It was like watching a protagonist and sidekick placed in a romcom where everything the main character says go’s. Natalie wondered how long it would be before Jackie asked too much and Shauna couldn’t take it anymore. “Yeah,” Lottie agreed, “like Shauna.”

Lottie’s deep brown eyes burrowed into Natalie’s, it reminded her of a deer she once saw on the highway. “You looked mad earlier.” Lottie said. The corners of Natalie’s lips quirked down a little, “sometimes people just make me mad.” Natalie thought about how her mania made her just as gleeful as it did angry. She was a time bomb, as one of her foster mothers had put it. Anything could set her off. The sound of someone’s voice had Natalie threatening to rip her own ears off and shove it down their throat once. She didn’t like being angry, but getting herself angry medicated was so exhausting, Natalie found herself embracing the fury inside her. But it hurt people, and she wasn’t fond of hurting people. She had a reputation, a violent one, but Natalie didn’t enjoy fighting, some people just deserved it. Just thinking about being angry made her angry. Natalie dug her nails into her thigh. Lottie took notice and tugged on the fabric on Natalie’s armband to let go. Natalie yanked her arm back, afraid of what would happen if Lottie pulled too far. Natalie cleared her throat, “I don’t want to talk about it. I know I don’t have to be angry but-“

“You should be.” Lottie said, almost correcting her. A sort of reprimand. Natalie looked up at her, “what?”

Lottie’s voice was gentle and soft and good but Nat could see a sort of justice in her eyes. Like she truly believed Natalie’s anger was justified. Maybe even righteous.

Lottie repeated herself, “you should be angry.”

———

Ben’s place was quiet as he worked over something in the dining room. Paul was visiting someone that Natalie didn’t care to learn the name of and wasn’t visiting. Natalie preferred it that way. She was working through some math homework when Ben raised his head from his work and looked over to where she was on the couch.

“Hey, Nat?” He asked. As he tried to find his words he scratched the stubble on his face, Natalie thought he needed to shave. “Jackie said something about a team sleepover?” It wasn’t a question, he’d probably heard it in passing. Natalie beamed, “I’m not going.” She assured, turning back to her math. “You don’t want to?” He questioned. “Not one bit.” She erased something, adjusting a formula. Natalie wondered about sharpening the pencil before continuing. “It’d be good for you.” Now that caught Nat’s attention. “Pardon?” Ben looked like he’d been caught doing something wrong, he rubbed him thumb on the hem of his shirt. “I just mean- that maybe you should uh,” he looks scared, Natalie thought. She didn’t like the idea of her scaring Ben, she frowned, trying to ease his worries. He took a breath, “I think it’d be good for you to make some friends with the girls.” Natalie turned her head back to her worksheet, humming and then fixing her answer. She turned back to him.

“You really think It’d be good for me?” She knew it wouldn’t be. But this was Ben, and Ben was good. He’d been fostering her for over four and a half months now, and Ben hadn’t so much as raised his voice at her. If he wanted her to go, all he had to do was ask.

He nodded, “I think you should go. I want you to go.” Natalie nodded and stuffed her sheet in her folder, “Ok. I will.” She could hear Ben sigh. He just wanted what was best for her and she wasn’t used to that.

Normally the words ‘I want you to go’ were meant for after she ruined everything. After she went on bender or tore stitches out of her forearms in an attempt to scare people away. ‘I’m dangerous, I am violent, I will hurt you and there is nothing you can do to change that.’ It’s what she’s lived by.

Then again Ben hadn’t seen her scars but he hadn’t pushed her away after she stopped taking her medication. Ben was good, she decided.

That afternoon, Natalie packed for Jackie’s and called Lottie’s phone number.

“Hey, I changed my mind. Could you pick me up?”

———

If Lottie Matthews house was tacky and bland then Jackie Taylor’s house was annoying and awful.

It was lived in, unlike Lottie’s, but there were picture perfect family photos, awards and certificates that covered the walls. There were works of art here and there that probably costed more than Ben’s rent. Natalie smirked at the awfulness of it all. How Jackie Taylor had any interest in staying in this house, Natalie had no idea.

She wanted to throw something to see if it would break as cleanly as she thought it would. But she was here because Ben asked her to be, the least she could do was wait a few hours before she was envitably kicked out.

Jackie greeted Nat at the door, when she tried to hide her shock, Natalie nearly laughed in her face before stepping past Jackie. The rest of the team seemed surprised at her appearance. Lottie followed in behind her, tucking her keys into her pocket and coming up right behind Natalie. “Guess who changed their mind?” Lottie said, seemingly out of breath from all the stairs to get inside. Lottie smiled, Natalie stared at it, memorizing the shape of her mouth as if she hadn’t seen this look about a hundred times.

They sat down together and watched as the girls began a game of “Truth or dare.” Drinks were passed around, Natalie noticed Lottie turning the alcohol down. Natalie helped herself to an entire bottle of red wine. She watched from the couch as Jackie dared Van to prank call a scam line, and then Van asked Lottie what her guilty pleasure was, (it was shoplifting. Natalie grinned at the thought of it.) then Lottie dared Shauna to do some weird ritual that involved a bathroom mirror and some candles and so and so forth. Eventually it circled back around to Jackie again after Mari asked her about her and Jeff Sadecki’s sex life was like. In which Jackie’s face turned bright red and she admitted they had barely gotten to third base. Hand stuff, she said.

Suddenly Jackie turned to look at Nat who was half finished with the bottle of wine in her hand. “Natalie,” she said. “I’m not playing.” Nat reminded her, taking another drink from the bottle. She could feel herself going from tipsy to drunk, she had a higher tolerance than most people. She blamed it on her family’s history of alcoholism. “Truth or dare?” Jackie asked. “Have you gone deaf?” Natalie asked in return, “I said I’m not playing.” Jackie ignored her again.

“I’m taking that as a truth.” “Jackie cmon, let it go.” Lottie protested in her defense. “What’s the foster care system actually like?” Natalie felt herself stiffen. Suddenly all protests about Natalie’s involvement in the game ended. Even Lottie’s gaze was curious even if she wouldn’t admit it. Natalie thought the bluntness of it all was funny. She thought it was funny enough, that she started laughing. “That’s-“ she cut herself off. People had always told Natalie her laugh was unsettling. Creepy, maybe. “That’s what you want to ask?” She got out. Jackie nervously held her head up and nodded, “yup. That’s the question.” Natalie giggled at the pale expression.

“You really want to know? Alright.” Natalie would humor them. She set her drink down and faced the group of girls like she was telling them some kind of folk tale in front of a fire place.

“Picture this,” Natalie offered, “you’re ten years old. Turning eleven soon,” Natalie noticed the way their eyes piqued in interest. “One night your mom opens your bedroom door in the middle of the night. She makes you get up and starts driving you out of town.” Natalie’s smile was wide and painful and she hoped Jackie was regretting her decision to get Natalie involved.

“Your mom stops the car and makes you get out. She tells you if she ever has to see you again, she’ll kill you. She drives off and leaves you behind at a foster care center. She took all your belongings,” Natalie waved her hands around expressively as if she were telling a fable of some sort. “She leaves you behind with nothing but the clothes on your back. You’re put into the foster care center. And for the next six years you’re passed onto about eight different homes.”

No one speaks. Natalie smiles and continues, “most of the homes are only in it for the money, they’re ready to ignore you and then move you along. Some homes want nothing to do with you. One home really wants to keep you.” The word “keep” hung over everyone’s heads. Natalie pauses and has to collect herself, she’s no longer smiling. “You don’t get to stay for long. No where’s good and no where is safe. Eventually you end up back in the same fucking place you’re not supposed to be in.” A few of them flinched, offended maybe. Lottie looks at her with this pain in her eyes, pity Natalie thinks, but maybe it’s something more. “That’s what it’s like.” Natalie finishes. She gets up from the couch, taking the bottle with her and makes her way through the house.

She ends up at some windowsill with those fancy couches attached to them. The wine doesn’t taste as good as it did at first. A shadow crossed the space in front of her and Lottie sat down beside her.

They didn’t look at each other. They didn’t speak either. Natalie felt something new in her chest, appreciation? She had never had anything to appreciate before. The feeling was foreign but she liked it. Lottie broke the silence after some time.

“She should’ve have asked you that. You weren’t even playing.” Lottie stared at her hands. Natalie held out her drink, an offering. Lottie looked tempted before shaking her head, “I really shouldn’t.” Nat nodded, “I won’t make you.”

Another silence, this time only interrupted by the sound of an empty glass bottle being set down on the floor. Natalie put it down clumsily, it tipped over.

Lottie looked at her, “you’re drunk.” Natalie agreed, “I am.” The girl across from her fidgeted with her fingers, “if I tell you something will you remember it?” She asked. Natalie smiled again, interested, “I will. I actually have an eidetic memory.”

Lottie looked over, her brown doe eyes sending waves of warmth into Natalie’s bones. Or maybe she was just drunk. Both, probably. Lottie took a breath, second guessing herself, “My parents aren’t around much.” She waited for Nat’s reaction, which was stone cold silence. Lottie nodded and continued, “I’m not what they expected. I’m not what they wanted. They travel and take work trips as much as possible to get away from me.” Her voice wobbled. Natalie assumed this is the first time she ever told someone about this. Maybe the first time she spoke of it out loud. “Maybe- maybe they’re afraid of me. I don’t want them to be, I just want them to like me. But they hardly even look at me when I’m around.” Lottie’s eyes were glossy, staring holes into the floor. “They think I’m wrong. I think I’m wrong.” Lottie’s whispered. She looks small, Natalie thought. Lottie looked ready to curl into herself in shame, disappearing in a way that Natalie could recognize. Lottie cried silently, “I’m sorry. You just had to talk about something so awful and I’m just talking about my own problems, I don’t know what’s wrong with me-“

Natalie reached over and grazed her fingers under Lottie’s chin. She tugged Lottie’s face gently to make her look at Nat. “You’re not wrong, Lot.” Lottie leaned into the light touch at the use of the nickname. Natalie noticed that Lottie liked it when Nat called her “Lot.”

“Besides, it was your turn in the game. Next is mine.” She let her hand drop. Lottie looked disappointed but didn’t say anything about it.

Heavy, angry, steps took their attention from each other. Natalie looked over at Shauna. The brunette did her best to hide her glare, “I need to talk to you.” She told Natalie. She appreciated the straightforwardness from her at the very least, “Good. I’ve been needing to talk to you too!” Natalie exclaimed. She turned to Lottie and grinned. Lottie looked worried but kept her mouth shut. Natalie wanted to know more, she knew that wasn’t all Lottie needed to say. She’d let it go for now but Natalie filed it away in her head for later. They left the room.

They stood in a dimly lit hallway that led out to where everyone else was. Natalie noticed Shauna’s sway, “someone can’t handle their liquor.” She teased. “Yeah well, you’re drunk.” Shauna shot back. “I am. What do you want?” Natalie put her hands in her pockets. Shauna crossed her arms in an attempt to look intimidating. “Jackie’s worried about you, so are a few others, but especially her.” Natalie scoffed, “really? Why would she be?” She stepped closer and Shauna seemed to get more upset, “I get that she asked you a question but that was a lot. She didn’t ask for your sob story Nat, she just asked you what the foster care system was like.” Shauna insisted. Her sob story. Natalie felt a twinge of growing annoyance, she felt her smile drop. “So what? It’s not my problem. She wanted an honest response so I gave her one. I wasn’t even playing anyways.” “Yeah, well you don’t just say shit like that!” Shauna shouted. A question entered Natalie’s head, “Did Jackie ask you to talk to me or did you come here by yourself?” Shauna winced. Good, Natalie thought, get angry. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Natalie smirked, “I mean, do you do everything your best friend asks of you? or are you just that worried?” Shauna didn’t answer, Natalie carried on, “Doesn’t it piss you off?” Shauna perked up, “does what?” “You follow Jackie around like a lost dog Shauna!” Shauna’s uncrossed her arms, she clenched her fists. Natalie knew she was risking something but she needed Shauna to understand so she can stop thinking about it.

“First of all, I don’t do that! Second of all what does this have to with anything?” Nat shrugged, “It annoys me so much. I can’t watch you two dance around each other like this anymore. It makes me want to punch something!” “Fuck you, Nat!” Natalie laughed, “Is she even your best friend? She’s obviously yours! Hell, she probably your whole world isn’t she?” Natalie taunted, getting even closer.

“Shut up.” Shauna threatened, “You shut the fuck up.” “I can’t help it. I mean really! Aren’t you sick of being Jackie’s sidekick” Natalie asked. “Aren’t you sick of being Jackie’s accessory?” Shauna expression changed. It was one Natalie knew all too well.

Maybe that was why she was angry with herself for not being prepared to get punched in the mouth. Natalie fell to the floor, hard. Her vision spun round and around. Her ears rung.

Natalie didn’t know when everyone had got inside the hallway. Someone turned on a light and it makes Natalie wince. The taste of copper spread in her mouth, blood. Lottie stood in front of her, yelling at Shauna and shoving her. She couldn’t hear anyone, her memories broke from their box’s. Swirling and infecting her. The bad mixed in with the good. Was there any really any good? She was in the trailer, in the storage room, under an overpass, inside the mother fuckers house. When did it end? When did it start. Hear ears stopped ringing, Natalie’s chest pounded in her heart. It hurt to breathe. She raised a hand to her face, blood trickled down her hand. Then Lottie leaned down and brushed her hand on Natalie cheek. It hurt, it was probably bruised. Somewhere behind her, people were moving out of the room. A very pissed off Shauna in tow. Lottie was murmuring something about it being okay. It made it better. It made it worse. Natalie could breathe again, she could see and hear but she was reminded of how much she hated touch. Skin on skin made her want to vomit. Natalie flinched from Lottie’s hand. A part of her regretted it.

Natalie got up. “M’ sorry.” She croaked. Just to Lottie, it was only for Lottie. She moved from the hallway to the living room. She saw Jackie cradling Shauna’s bruised hand and wanted to smash their heads together. Natalie didn’t stop to pick up her bag, just moved past them and out the door. A few of them called out to her.

She ignored them and headed down the road on her lonesome. Ben had something to tell her anyways.

Chapter Text

“What were you thinking charlotte?” Lottie’s mother cried. Charlotte. She hated that name. She hated the way it sounded and the way her parents said it. It felt like it belonged to someone else. Someone that wasn’t her.

Lottie knew that she wasn’t supposed to go to things like sleepovers. It was too risky, her father had said. They’ll find out about your illness, and when they find out, they’ll hate you. And when everyone finds out why they hate you, it’ll make the family look bad. You make the family look bad, charlotte. Lottie had hardly been able to remember how exactly she got to where she was.

She remembered Natalie and Shauna arguing the night before, Nat taunted Shauna. Then Shauna lashed out and hit Natalie. She’d broken skin, her lip bleeding and her cheek bruised. Lottie tried to comfort Natalie as best she could but it seemed in vain when the bleach blond flinched away from her and left Jackie’s house. Then Lottie started shouting at Shauna, “what the fuck is your problem?” She shouted entering the living room. Jackie was holding Shauna’s bruised hand, touching a cotton ball against the knuckles. Shauna winced at the sting and glared at Lottie, “Mind your own business Lottie. Besides, she already left its over now.” “The fuck it is, what gives you the right to hurt Nat?” Shauna pulled away from Jackie, “shauna-“ Jackie said, “What gives Natalie the right to walk around and hurt other people? Just because they’re rude to her? Just because they called her a slut? How’s that any different than what I did?” Shauna said, “Natalie doesn’t even fight people for talking shit about her, that’s a rumor!” Van pointed out from her spot on the couch, brow furrowed. “It’s not even a big deal. Nat’s gone to wherever the fuck she goes and we’ll probably see her sometime later.” “You need to apologize.” Lottie stressed.

“Only if she apologizes first.” Shauna grimaced. “What could she have possibly have said to make you punch her?” Lottie asked. Suddenly Shauna seemed embarrassed, her eyes flickering to Jackie. “Don’t… don’t worry about it.” She said, crossing her arms defensively. Lottie scoffed and turned away from the group, “unbelievable.”

“Make sure to keep your rescue on a leash next time!” Shauna called after her. A few hushed tones berated her, telling her to knock it off. Lottie stood still in the hallway. Staring at the single drop of blood on Jackies floor. It was hardly noticeable. Lottie considered turning around and shoving Shauna, maybe punching her or just screaming in her face.

Then she shook her head and left to stay in one of the guest rooms for the rest of the night. She could feel Natalie’s fingers tugging the back of her jersey collar. Telling her to calm down and let it go. Lottie wouldn’t let it go, but for now she felt calm, imagining Nat’s gravely and soft voice.

The next morning Lottie left without a word. Simply getting dressed, taking her pills that she hid in her overnight bag and leaving before anyone got up.

She drove home, her hands wrapped around the wheel so tightly her knuckles turned white. Lottie was speeding, probably. Her anger caught in her throat. Lottie woke up more frustrated than when she fell asleep. Just as she was about to pull into her driveway she felt her heart drop. Her parents escort vehicle was being overlooked by someone they must’ve hired in recent. Already looking over it, inspecting it carefully for when they once again decide to leave their child for weeks to months at a time.

As Lottie prepared herself for the company inside, she ever so slowly got out of the car. Taking several minutes just to turn the engine off and open the drivers side door. She felt her hands trembling, she blamed it on the cold.

When Lottie entered the Matthews mansion her mother and father were waiting on her at the kitchen counter. Her mother distressingly looking over her, A mix of judgment and concern picked at her. While Malcolm Matthews simply avoided eye contact, rubbing his thumb against the rim of an empty glass of water. Lottie’s mother cleared her throat, “well? Where were you at this hour?” She asked. Lottie could’ve lied, could’ve said she was on a run, or had forgotten something at school and needed to drop by over the weekend. Though she knew they would’ve never believed her. “Out.” Lottie answered simply.

“Out?” Her father repeated. “Out where?” Lottie didn’t respond right away. Instead she carefully set down her over night bag, the barely audible rattle of the pill bottle felt like a crashing cymbal. “I was at Jackie’s. The team captain? You’ve met her once at some dinner banquet at the Taylor’s.” She reminds them. Her voice didn’t sound like her own, all proper and serious. It wasn’t Lottie’s voice, it was Charlottes. Malcolm nodded, seeming to remember meeting the Taylor family. “But you know you’re not supposed to sleep over at other peoples houses.” Her mother insisted. Her hands gripped the expensive leather of her purse. “I’m seventeen now, I’m almost eighteen -“ “So suddenly the rules don’t apply with age?” Her father cut her off, harshly. Lottie scoffed, “it’s not like anyone found out about it, i kept my medication hidden. No one knows!” Lottie insisted. As Malcom’s eyes blazed in frustration Lottie thought about the consequences that might come. No real grounding or punishment would really apply to Lottie, not when her parents weren’t around to enforce rules anyways. That being said there was always to threat of Switzerland. A psych ward there, a large and expensive one that supposedly “sets people right.” As her father said. When Lottie looked into it all she found were records of the mistreatment the patients were subjected to. It scared her, and her parents knew it.

“You brought your medication?” Her mother questioned, her voice tight. “I have to take it at proper times,” Lottie defended, “I can’t just leave it home.” Malcolm fumed again, “you’re not supposed to be going to sleepovers anyhow, Charlotte! Let alone taking your pills with you. If someone saw-“ “no one saw!” Lottie’s voice cracked. “How can you be so sure?” Her mother asked. “I mean honestly,” Lottie looked away from the both of them. “What were you thinking Charlotte?” She shouted.

“Stop calling me that.” Lottie pleaded, “Stop calling me Charlotte, when you know, you know mom, that I prefer Lottie.” Her mother scoffed, batting her remark away with a wave of her hand, “That is the least of my concerns. Now,” Lottie tensed at her mom’s tone, “what are we going to do about this?” She asked. Lottie shook her head, “Nothing.” “Excuse me?” Malcolm piped up, offended. “You barely around anyways, you haven’t got any right to tell me what to do.” Malcolm stood up from his chair, “We are your parents, I am your father.” He stressed.

“Maybe start acting like one then.” She spat. Lottie started walking towards the door, anger in her veins. “Where do you think you’re going.” “Don’t worry about it.” Lottie shouted back. She left the mansion, keys in hand.

The man overseeing the car glanced at her before returning back to work. As she put the key in, she twisted it so hard it could’ve snapped. Lottie left the Mansion. Something in her needed quiet, something solid. Lottie found herself driving towards the high school. Something inside was directing her there.

———

The locker room door was unlocked when Lottie got to the school. The cold handle simply clicked when she turned it, opening without constraint. She could hear the faint buzzing of the locker rooms overhead lights. Lottie could smell the smoky aroma of Natalie before she saw her. She wanted to run up to her and ask if she was okay. She wanted to check her split lip and see how her cheek was healing. Lottie also wanted to hold her but that was irrelevant.

Lottie did none of those things. Natalie was sitting on the bench, unmoving like a statue with the filter of a cigarette hanging loosely from her fingers. She started off into nothingness, her mania from before erased entirely. Lottie carefully walked up to Nat, silently sitting next to her. Her right hand was picking at her arm bands, her melancholy expression made Lottie’s heart twist.

Natalie was still wearing her pajamas, checkered bottoms and a cotton black tee. Lottie wondered if she’d been sitting there all night. “You know you really shouldn’t smoke, just heard it’s bad for you.” Lottie joked. The humor dissipated like vapor as Natalie’s eyes met hers, hollow and squall like. A watercolor painting, in an ultra realistic world. Natalie didn’t smile, Lottie noticed her lip hadn’t looked much better after last night. Something had happened to throw Natalie out of her mania, something other than the fight she had with Shauna. She’d seen Nat angry, overjoyed, and amused. But this empty depression was new, at least to her. Is that what Natalie’s really like? Lottie thought. Was the thrill of her smile just a facade. Lottie needed her to talk, about something, about anything. She couldn’t sit here in silence and let Natalie suffer alone. She opened her hand, offering to hold Natalie’s hand. Nat stopped rubbing the sleeve fabric and interlocked their fingers. Lottie rubbed her thumb on Natalie’s hand. She cleared her throat.

“I just wanted to let you know it’s your turn in our game, by the way.” It was a shot in the dark. It was the only way Lottie knew Natalie might talk about what happened. She could very well get up in anger and yank her hand away from Lottie for her insensitive remark.

Instead Natalie tightened her grip and nodded faintly. “Ben… uh- Coach Ben I mean, he wants to…” Natalie trailed off. She swallowed her breathe, shakily. “Y’know how he’s my foster father, well uh he wants me to stay.” Lottie could feel Nat’s hand trembling. “He wants you to stay?” Lottie questioned. The bleach blond nodded, “He uh… wants to adopt me. To stay In Wiskayok.” An awkward silence followed subtly. “Isn’t that… well I mean do you want to stay?” She asked. It felt hard to say, she wanted Natalie to stay, she wanted her to be able to settle. To not have to worry about being shoved off to another home, one where she might get hurt again.

“Yeah. I mean I think I do.” Natalie’s voice was quiet, it sounded as if every word made her wince in pain. Sluggish almost. “Then… why are you upset?” Natalie didn’t respond right away. Just letting go of Lottie’s hand and scratching her forearm again. Her legging violently shook, jutting up and down and up and down.

Lottie reached over and stopped Natalie’s hand, the contact made her flinch. She pulled away. Guilt clawed at Lottie’s throat watching her friend retract from her. “I’m not sure how to talk about it,” she shrugged, “nobody’s ever bothered to listen.” Natalie mumbled.

“I’m worried he’ll regret it. Once he realizes that I’m not something he can handle, he’ll want to let me go.” Natalie explained. Exhaustion painted a picture on Natalie’s posture, Lottie could see goosebumps trailing her skin. A part of her wanted to hold Natalie to her, wrap her arms around the girl and offer her comfort. She can’t, Natalie would hate it. Natalie could hate her. “Why do you think he’ll regret it?” Lottie pondered. Natalie’s face shifted to something unreadable. As if she was ready to let something go herself. She bit her lip and seemed to come to a decision, meekly turning to Lottie, “I have bipolar disorder.” There it was, the ball dropped except it didn’t really feel like it was some crazy secret. In all honesty, Lottie felt like it was a little obvious Natalie have some kind of problems after all she’d been through. Abusive dad, her mother abandoned her, shitty homes that she was left in then shoved out again and again. Lottie couldn’t imagine coming out of that totally stable. She didn’t even try to act surprised as she nodded, “How long have you been dealing with it? Or how long have you known?” Lottie asked. Natalie sighed shrugging, staring at the small pile of ash on the floor from the cigarette.

“It was when I was fourteen. A bit after I’d left the mother fuckers place.” Natalie spat, then she realized her mistake, letting something about one of the homes she was in slip. “Who’s the-“ “Don’t.” Natalie insisted. A disturbed look crossed her face as she glared wide eyed at the wall in front of her. Doing everything she could not to look at Lottie.

“I uhm,” Natalie said. She caught herself again, trying to stay calm, “I was in my sixth house. I’d been acting weird, so they said.” She explained. Lottie listened carefully, soaking in every word with intent, “for weeks to a month id be manic, getting into fights, drinking and doing drugs, fuck around just a bit and then I’d practically crash.” She gazed over at Lottie who hadn’t said a word. Just waiting for what she’ll say next. Her eyes glossed over before she turned away again, “I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks at a time. I wouldn’t talk to anyone. It felt impossible to be alive be sometimes.” Natalie confessed.

Nat stared down at the arm bands covering her. “They took me to a physiatrist and they diagnosed me. They gave me pills to set me right.” She explained. Natalie closed her eyes, reeling in the dark of her own mind. Lottie recognized the feeling. “I had mixed episodes too. Days where everything was great and then soon it’d be back to drowning.

“But it’s better than being medicated. I can’t stand it, Lot.” She looked over. “I can’t feel anything with those pills, M’ not me.” Nat slurred. The exhaustion she talked about seemed to finally be setting in. “I stopped taking em. Drownings better than nothing at all. I start to get to desperate, trying to find feeling in anything. Even if I…” Natalie trailed off. Her fingers traced patterns into her forearms. Her foggy gaze met Lottie’s.

“I can’t stand it Lottie I just can’t.” It sounded like begging, Lottie thought. A part of Nat was reaching out trying to get anyone to see and understand. Pleading really, Natalie reached out and tugged on the collar of Lottie’s shirt, bringing them impossibly close. “I can’t.” She repeated. Lottie nodded, threading her fingers into Nat’s free hand, “Okay. That’s okay.” Lottie nodded. Natalie nudged herself closer and rested her forehead on Lottie’s shoulder. Breathing deeply, she looked like she was trying to keep herself from crying or passing out. “Why’d you leave Ben’s?” Lottie asked. Natalie shook her head, “I couldn’t be around him.” She scoffed, “If he wants to be my new dad he’s gonna have to understand I’m not gonna stay under his thumb.” A joke, Lottie realized. A feeble one, but she was able to get Nat to attempt humor. She’d been making more progress than she realized.

Eventually Lottie tapped Nat’s hand after fifteen minutes of blissful silence. “Do you want to go back to Ben’s? Are you ready for that yet?” She asked. “What?” Natalie snorted, not smiling, “that eager to be rid of me?” “No,” Lottie insisted, “no! God fuck- no! I didn’t mean to-“ Natalie squeezed her hand tightly and let her go. She leaned back and Lottie saw that her eyes were red rimmed and wet. “Yeah.” Nat said, “yeah, you can take me back.”

———

Lottie gave Natalie the aux on the way to Ben’s place. She played an album from My Chemical Romance and rested her head gently on the car window. The ride was silent.

Natalie didn’t bother knocking or ringing a doorbell, she just let herself in. Lottie followed in after her, awkwardly. Ben was pacing back and forth in his kitchen, desperately typing in Natalie’s phone number again and again until he saw that she was inside. “Jesus, fuck Nat I couldn’t get a hold of you!” Ben said rushing up to her, his hands moved like he wanted to hug Natalie, but he thought otherwise and just stopped in front her. Natalie’s gaze was dim and lacking any particular emotion. She reached into her back pocket to show Ben her phone, which must’ve died.

He breathed a sigh of relief and scratched the back of his neck, looking up and realizing Lottie was also there. “Oh, uhm- hi Lottie.” Ben said awkwardly. She just smiled and gestured to Natalie with a nod, “I brought her back from the high school. She was in the locker room.” Lottie explained.

Ben nodded and looked back at Natalie with so much care it made Lottie’s heart ache. “Alright, I’m just glad you’re alright,” he said to Natalie, “You said you needed some time to think about what I asked and I then you left. You worried me a lot Nat.” Natalie just shrugged an apology, “It’s fine. Didn’t go far.” Then Natalie moved around him, taking Lottie by the arm and making her go her. “Oh! Alright…” Lottie murmured. Natalie led them into what must’ve been her room. The walls were barren and the only thing to designate it as Nat’s room was the amount of black nail polish and eyeliner there was on the dresser. She guessed it was so bland because Nat didn’t expect to be there that long. Natalie leaned down, letting go of Lottie and searching through her backpack for something. Nat sighed and pulled out a hair bleach kit. “Help me with my roots.” She tossed the supplies at Lottie.

Natalie relocated them to a bathroom. Lottie pulled the blue latex gloves on and got to work without complaint.