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Part 3 of Ominous October 2025
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Ominous October 2025
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Published:
2025-10-19
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1/1
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Chit for Cat(nip)

,

Summary:

When Crookshanks discovers that the person his human has been curious about for a while is not only interested in her as well, but is also in possession of an amazing cat pad, a sizable stash of catnip, and a plethora of cat toys, he decides it would be in everyone’s best interest if he meddled a bit.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

Crookshanks decided it was time to take matters into his own paws. He loved Hermione fiercely, thought she was the smartest witch in the world—and he wasn’t alone in that belief—but sometimes she could really be so stupid. I mean, really now. Ron Weasley? That ginger oaf? Besides, he had a perfectly good candidate in mind. 

 

 

It was Minerva who had given him the hint about the catnip. It was cheap, easy to source, non-addicting, and most importantly of all, effective. It took his mind away from the pain that stubbornly lingered from the wounds he had sustained during the war.

The Ministry had set him up with housing as part of his Order of Merlin, and he had accepted. Anything seemed better than the memories that lingered in Spinner’s End. It turned out that the Ministry had put all of them in little cookie-cutter houses, all in a line like some sort of bizarre Victors’ Row. Minerva was in the house to his right and Granger was in the house to his left.

It turned out, Granger’s half-Kneazle had survived the war as well, and regularly used his garden as a shortcut to visit Minerva. After he started indulging in catnip more regularly, Crookshanks decided they’d all have much more fun meeting at Severus’s house instead of Minerva’s. If it saved him an extra three minutes of walking time, well, that was three minutes more lounging time. And Severus had some truly comfortable napping spots in his house.

Half-Kneazle that he was, Crookshanks decided to cook up a plan to ensure his continued welcome at Severus’s.

~~~

I couldn’t make this up if I tried, he said. It was Sirius who gave me the idea.

Severus ceased licking his paw to hiss, Black?!

The one and only. Crookshanks carefully cleaned between his own toes. Well, the none and only now, I suppose.

Minerva let her lip curl up in disgust, She was only a third year!

That never stopped him before.

Dear old Sirius, so woefully misunderstood, Crookshanks drawled. Everyone was willing to give him a second chance. And a third. Meanwhile, Crookshanks bumped his head against Severus’s affectionately, those who might have truly deserved a second chance were held back and suppressed.

Severus grimaced. He hadn’t been trying to appear better simply by comparison.

Minerva nudged him affectionately, Oh believe me, nobody is comparing you two. 

It doesn’t matter. I’m twenty years her senior, just as he was. Whether she’s of age now or not, it doesn’t make it any less wrong.

I think her being of age makes all the difference, she disagreed.

She’s old enough to have kittens now, added Crookshanks unhelpfully.

How can I explain this so your tiny cat brain will understand? I'm twice her age. Past my prime. In the autumn of my life.

Minerva scoffed, If you’re past your prime I shudder to think how you’d describe me.

Are you going to die soon? Crookshanks wondered who would gain possession of the catnip stash if he did.

No one is dying. Yet. Severus might soon if he continues making me feel like I’m about to expire of old age.

Crookshanks’s ears perked up. He’d have to move quickly to secure this wizard for his Mistress before that happened. He already had the perfect place picked out to place the cat tower.

Fine. I’m not that old. Just older than she is.

She’s old enough, Crookshanks said. Simply flip it around. Say you were already with her, a fifty-year-old wizard and a thirty-year-old witch. Nobody would bat an eye. But if she were thirteen and you thirty-three, many would definitely say there is “more” wrong there, especially, Crookshanks stretched and shook out his legs, as you were her professor. And if there is more wrong in the latter scenario, then there is decidedly less wrong in the former.

You’ve had too much catnip, you’re talking in riddles, Severus flicked his tail sharply.

Am I? Crookshanks’ eyes glinted. I don’t believe I am at all. Now are you in, or are you out?

She’s not going to believe it.

Crookshanks purred, You’re assuming.

I don’t have to assume. She’s not going to fall for something like this.

Unless she wants to, said Minerva slyly.

And just what am I supposed to say? ‘Miss Granger, I apologize but it seems I’ve formed a familiar bond with your cat?’  It sounds absurd!

Well, you could start by calling her Hermione instead of ‘Miss Granger.’ Crookshanks rolled his eyes. These two were definitely well-suited if their stupidity was anything to go by.

Minerva coughed, Or, you could just say 'Hello, Hermione, I’ve been pining for you from afar but I’d like to stop doing that and take you to dinner instead.'

Maybe their mutual stupidity didn’t make them well-suited at all, apparently it was a human condition they all suffered from. That won’t work, why would he come to visit me and then take her out? 

Both the humans chuffed with amusement though he didn’t see what was so funny.

Severus said reluctantly, I don’t know. Even without the age difference I’m not sure she’d be interested in me.

Stop being so modest lad, you’re a catch. Hermione could do far worse.

Crookshanks agreed eagerly. Exactly. She could try dating that ginger idiot again.

He’s married.

Why’s he keep coming around all the time then? I don’t trust him. He came by the other day, just for a chat, and ate all my treats!

He what?

Crookshanks’s tail puffed up with remembered anger. He told Hermione he thought they were jerky, but he knew. He stared me down the whole time as he ate them all, one by one.

Minerva snorted. I wish I could say that surprises me.

Severus’s whiskers quivered with amusement. Well, if I just have to be better than Weasley, that’s an achievable goal if I’ve ever heard one.

 

 

Severus cleared his throat. “Miss Granger—Hermione. I apologize, but—”

“Oh! One second, Severus,” she said breathlessly. “I just need to—oof!” She lost control of the giant inflatable Acromantula.

“Let me help you,” Seveus said hurriedly.

“No, no, it’s okay,” she said brightly, righting herself. “Go grab a drink! Enjoy yourself!”

“But I just wanted to—”

“Oh my god! Crookshanks! I’m so sorry, Severus!” Hermione exclaimed as her familiar rubbed his fur all over Severus’s black trousers.

“Yes, you see,” Severus rushed to say, “I apologize, but it seems I’ve formed a familiar bond with your cat.”

Hermione stared at him for a beat, and he waited nervously for her response. “Oh. You’re here to see my cat then, and not for the party?”

“Err, well, both?”

She cocked her head but then nodded, “Come in then, make yourself at home.”

Hermione watched in bemusement as Crookshanks trotted after him, frantically winding around his long legs and nearly tripping him as he tried to make his way through the room. She wondered what he was up to now, but shrugged it off and returned her attention to setting up the ultimate haunted house for her honorary nephews.

“What is all this?”

“Oh! Harry and I have a little bet going: who can make Ron squeal like a little girl the loudest when he brings his children over. I’m covering this room, and Harry’s working in the back garden where the ‘entrance’ of the haunted house will be.” She looked him up and down. “Actually, if you’re staying, would you mind acting as another scare tactic? He really won’t be expecting to see you,” Hermione smirked.

“While I do enjoy make Mr. Weasley uncomfortable, I don’t think—”

“All you have to do is sit right there,” Hermione said, pointing to a low sofa. “And you can use the time to bond with Crooks, I guess? I’ve got to set up a few more spiders before everyone comes through, but I’ll bring you some tea and biscuits in a bit? I made the biscuits this morning!” And then she was gone again, rushing off to somewhere else in the house.

Severus looked down at Crookshanks, who had jumped up onto the sofa and curled up for a nap.

“I don’t think that went as well as you were hoping,” he murmured.

Crookshanks cracked one eye open, and flicked the tip of his tail. Patience, old man.

~~~

The party was winding down. Hermione had brought the promised biscuits and Severus easily admitted that they were delicious, taking a second one as soon as he had finished the first, to Hermione’s delight.

They chatted while they waited, the conversation coming surprisingly easily, until her wand buzzed to inform her that her “honoured guest” had arrived. She hurriedly whispered some instructions to him, and then patted his shoulder, saying, “Just be yourself,” before winking at him and going off to play some other part in the house.

Severus waited in his Animagus form and watched as the young wizard entered the room, only to be surprised by Crookshanks, who batted an Acromantula balloon across the room so that several long, hairy, inflated legs smacked him right in the face.

“Ugh, I hate spiders,” muttered Weasley, turning to glower at Crookshanks. He then noticed Severus and approached, holding a hand out towards him and saying, “Hello kitty, didn’t know Hermione got another cat. Hopefully you’re a bit nicer than the other one.”

The moment he got close enough Severus transformed, suddenly looming over the ginger-haired wizard and hissing, “10 points from Gryffindor for eating all the cat treats.”

The wizard in question could indeed squeal like a little girl, and that prompted Hermione to run back into the room laughing in delight. In her glee at winning her little bet with Potter, whatever that had been, she ran right to him and hugged him, her smile wide and eyes sparkling. Shocked, he hadn’t even had time to raise his arms before she was dancing away again to gloat to Potter, which earned him a harsh glare from Crookshanks.

After the children had been given far too much sugar and then sent home again with their parents, Hermione dropped into the seat beside him, two glasses of firewhisky in her hands. She offered one to him and then took a sip from her own.

“So, did you want to come by and see Crooks again soon? I could do dinner any night this week.”

Severus looked down at the ginger ball of fur that was purring frantically on his lap. “I- I was lying. I don’t really have a familiar bond with him.”

Hermione laughed. “I know. But thank you for admitting that so quickly.”

He jerked his head up to look at her, “You know? What?”

She smiled fondly at her cat, “I’m bonded with him myself. I’ve never heard of a familiar having two bonds before.”

“Why didn’t you say anything? You were just going to go along with it?”

She shrugged, “It seemed like a good excuse to spend time with you. I’ve been wanting to ever since I found out you lived next door, but Minerva said you were the type who might need more time. Still, I prefer the more straightforward approach.”

Severus groaned. He knew he should have just listened to Minerva.

“So, dinner. Does Thursday work for you?”

“Yes. Thursday is fine. Thursday is great.” He stared down at Crookshanks, trying to process both his victory and the betrayal. “Why would he do this to me? It was his idea! He must have known you’d realise.”

“He’s smart in some ways and dumb in others. I don’t try to understand his logic, it only gives me a headache. I do know he wants us to hurry up and start dating so that upon your death, which he seems to think rather imminent, I can inherit all your cat toys.”

“Imminent?”

“Something about the autumn of your life, or something. I didn’t quite understand it. I assumed it was a cat thing.”

“That conniving little—”

“I would like to see your animagus form though? If you don’t mind?” Hermione asked, batting her lashes at him teasingly.

“Must I?” he sighed.

“Minerva and Crooks have both seen it. Even Ron has! I feel left out,” she said pouting egregiously.

“If I do, will you forgive me for the subterfuge, even if it technically failed before it had even begun?”

“As long as I still get to tease you about it whenever I want,” Hermione said grinning.

Severus sighed. “I suppose that’s the best offer I’m going to get.” He closed his eyes and focused his thoughts inward. The outline of his body shimmered and between one breath and the next, a black cat was suddenly sitting where Severus had been only a moment before.

“Gorgeous,” Hermione breathed. “May I?” 

She held her arms out, and Severus submitted to being picked up and placed in her lap so she could run her hands all over him. He tried to remain stoic but he’d never been petted in this form before and hadn’t anticipated just how spine-shudderingly good it would feel to be scratched behind the ears like that. In his blissed out state he couldn’t even feel embarrassed as his deep rumbling purr vibrated through him, and he involuntarily pressed his head against her knuckles as his body melted against her legs.

“Oh you lovely, lovely thing,” Hermione cooed. 

Crookshanks came over and glared at Severus.

You’re in my spot.

Severus glared right back. You just wanted your witch to inherit my things!

You said you were old! It’s not like you can use them when you’re dead. Anyway, you can’t be mad. You’re in my spot. And it’s the best spot.

Severus was silent for a moment. Crookshanks nudged under Hermione’s elbow so that he could claim half her pets for himself.

Hermione said you two have a true familiar bond. If you help me not mess this up, if we move in together, I’ll let you have the prime spot on the cat tower.

When you move in together. Crookshanks affirmed. Which one? The one in your sitting room or the one upstairs?

The one upstairs.

Throw in a bag of that special catnip from Lancashire and I’ll even bite any other suitors that come sniffing around.

Don’t you do that already?

I’ll stop then. Crookshanks lashed his tail in annoyance. If you don’t want my help—

I accept, Severus said quickly.

Crookshanks looked smug as he maneuvered himself into Hermione’s lap, shoving Severus back onto the couch.

I think we have ourselves a deal, he purred. A little bit of tit for tat. Or in our case, chit for cat-nip.

Notes:

(Week Three Team Event) Animagus Challenge: Create a Fanwork about your favorite ship/character in their Animagus form, during their process of becoming an Animagus or WHY they aren’t/don’t want to be an Animagus. (15 Candy)
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Trick-or-Treat Prompt: In the autumn of their lives, they fell wildly, passionately in love. (10 Candy)

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