Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Neil and Aaron got along like cats and dogs do.

Well, more like a cat and another, slightly more feral cat, but the details aren’t important.

The point being, they argue a lot. Just constant bickering, that sometimes becomes a bit physical as well. Never anything major, just some pushing and shoving each other, no reason for anyone to intervene. They just need to get it out of their system sometimes.

This time it was different, however.

Why the fuck did they have to have their cat fight right next to the road?

Andrew and Neil had been on their way back to Fox Tower when they ran into Aaron. And instead of a nice, peaceful walk, it had of course immediately devolved into some petty squabble.

Normally, Andrew couldn’t care less about their scuffles, but they were stumbling around right next to a busy road this time. Andrew wouldn’t call himself a nervous person, but even he would like his loved ones to remain un-flattened by a car if he could help it. So, when a truck started speeding down the road, and the two idiots showed no sign of stopping, he decided to step in.

“Stop that. It's annoying.”

As expected, they didn’t even hear him and just continued throwing insults and pushing at each other. The truck came closer and closer.

“I said stop.”

He didn’t yell at them, because Andrew never yelled. He did, however, try to pry them apart, lest they fall into oncoming traffic.

One hand on Neil's chest, pushing him away from Aaron, and one shove towards his brother to get him away from Neil and the road. And then it happened.

He had miscalculated the amount of strength he used, and worse, the angle at which he moved. His elbow smashed into Aaron's face, hard, and his brother yelped in pain, stumbling backwards.

Thankfully, he was moving away from the road, but that was about all that was lucky in this situation. Tripping over his own feet, he landed on the ground, one hand raised to his face, covering his right eye. They all froze, and Aaron blinked a few times before his uncovered eye grew wide with horror as he stared at Andrew.

He didn’t look angry or annoyed. Instead, he looked scared, staring at Andrew as if he were a threat. As if he would hurt him again any second now.

For once, Andrew’s words got stuck in his throat. Being the one that was the cause of Aaron’s terror, the one who Aaron’s eyes were stuck on as he took a few shaky breaths. Trying to calm him down, he started a sentence he wasn’t sure how to end.

“I…”

He took a step towards Aaron, who flinched back, before scrambling upright, his face twisting in fear. Panicked, he glanced from Andrew to Neil, before settling somewhere between them, looking at neither. No one moved for a few seconds, the silence heavy and tense, before Aaron mumbled one short sentence, stumbling over the letters, rushing them out in one breath.

“I’m sorry.”

After that he turned and took off back towards the lecture buildings, where they had just come from. Andrew didn’t run after him; instead, he watched him as he through the doors. Then he and Neil shared a long and confused look. Neither was entirely sure what had just happened.

Aaron had never before apologised for fighting with Neil. Why should he? Usually it really was both their faults that they fought.

For him to do it now meant that he had been scared. Terrified.

Which made Andrew feel anxious, since he had inadvertently caused it. He could understand how something like this had been triggering for Aaron. He was no stranger to trauma, and how little things could set you off, and take you back to the past. And being hurt, no matter how exactly, could really resurface some unpleasant memories of other times he had been injured.

He needed to help Aaron, but how?

After some deliberation, he made the hard decision to go back to the dorms and not follow after him. After all, he himself hated it when he was working through something or was having a bad day, and just wanted some time alone, only for everyone to try and talk to him. So, he wouldn’t try to search for Aaron now; he wanted to give him space.

They didn’t share a dorm anymore, and he wouldn’t force Aaron to talk if he didn’t want to. He still debated texting him the entire evening.

No, they would have a short talk tomorrow, and that would surely be it.

It had been an accident; Aaron knew that. He had to know that. After all, no one elbows people in the face on purpose. It hadn’t even been that hard anyway. It would be fine. Aaron was okay.

POV Aaron

He hit the ground the same moment the pain in his eye fully started to bloom. Hot and searing, as if it had been crushed. Then it devolved into pulsing pain, spreading out from his eye, slowly giving him a headache. He sat there stunned for a second. What had just happened?

Fighting, that’s what he had just been doing, right? With Neil, about something petty.

And then?

Andrew had told them to stop.

And then…

One of his hands automatically lifted up towards his eye. He didn’t touch it; it still felt too tender to be touched, warm pain pulsing through it. With his vision half-blurry, he looked up at Andrew towering over him.

As Andrew and Neil stared down at him, another sting joined the one in his eye. It made him feel sick. Something cramped in his stomach, seeing Andrew angled protectively in front of Neil, turned away from Aaron.

They looked surprised by what had just happened, looking down at him with wide eyes.

Seeing them like this, from down here, made a horrible memory flash through Aaron's mind, mixing with his view of reality.

Too familiar was the feeling of being sprawled on the floor, having been thrown there forcefully.

Blond hair and brown eyes were staring down at him in surprise right now. But sometimes it was in anger or disgust instead, with her hands curled at her sides, ready for the next blow.

The only thing that didn't fit the picture was Neil, but that wasn't important. It didn't matter if it was a boyfriend or drugs or alcohol or nothing at all. There was always something more important than Aaron, someone more valuable. A reason to put him back in his place.

Sometimes there were tears after, from him or her. Apologies or excuses falling out of either of their mouths. Hers happened less frequently over time, his never subsided.

This time, he wasn't naive enough to expect any sort of explanation or regret from the person in front of him.

The person who had just punched him.

Andrew just stared, mildly surprised.

And for Aaron, a world fell apart. Trust had been something he had so little of. Nicky, sweet and patient Nicky, had taken so long to earn it. Every member of his team had been on his danger list for a long time after he first met them. He couldn’t trust them not to be violent and angry. Even with Katelyn, he had been wary at first. For Neil, the jury was still out in some way. He tolerated him, even liked him somewhat, but there was always the nagging doubt in the back of his mind to be cautious.

Maybe he hides it well. He might hurt you. He might hurt Andrew.

By now he had become good at pushing those thoughts away, keeping his protective streak to a minimum. It was just so, so hard to trust in people for him.

But Andrew had been different. Aaron had loved him from the moment he knew he existed. He had trusted him wholeheartedly, heartbroken when this trust was betrayed, robbing him of his mother and almost taking Andrew away again. But he hadn't heeded that warning. Not even after nearly dying in a bathroom and a deal that felt more like a prison.

He had joked to himself at some point that apparently there was nothing Andrew could do to break his trust.

Turns out he had been wrong.

Sitting in front of him, pain and blurred vision as proof, he still didn't want to believe it, his mind refusing to let this be his reality.

He wouldn't. Andrew wouldn't hit me. Not like this. Not for something as inconsequential as this.

Andrew seemed hesitant, almost unsure, which made Aaron's stomach sink. If even Andrew knew he had fucked up...

“I...”

Andrew stepped forward, and every fibre in Aaron's body told him to run, hide, get out of dodge immediately.

He shot up, stopping Andrew in his movements, thank god. Like a prey animal in front of a predator, frozen in silence, waiting for the perfect opportunity to bolt, he glanced at both of them. It was too hard to look either of them in the eye; it felt too defiant, too much like he was provoking them. Daring them to do it again. So he settled on the middle distance between them.

“I'm sorry.”

He barely managed to get the words out, but it was oddly familiar. That's how it was supposed to go: get hit and then apologise.

He got no answer, but he didn't need it; no words could undo this now.

He hadn't realised he started running until he was already back in the building. He hadn't realised he had started crying until he met Kevin, who stared at him with such a baffled and worried look that it took Aaron aback at first.

“What?”

“Are you okay?”

Kevin's eyes trailed down his face, and when Aaron's hand touched his own cheek, his fingers came away wet.

Oh.

“Yeah, I'm good. It's just...”

He had no excuse ready, but hoped that Kevin was uncomfortable enough with him sniffling and rubbing at his face with his sleeve to just leave him be.

He had been right about Kevin's discomfort. He looked around helplessly and didn't continue his questioning. What he hadn't expected was that Kevin didn't immediately flee this situation at the next opportunity; instead, he put a hand on Aaron's shoulder and turned him softly towards the benches in the hallway.

“Do you want to sit down? Come on.”

He didn't have the energy to pull away, although his immediate instinct was to hide away and cry it out while alone. The stronger instinct, that was fighting against his initial one, was to revel in the care and comfort of someone else. Even if that someone was Kevin.

This new instinct had been slowly creeping in thanks to Nicky. Thanks to the way he had been so gentle and loving with him that Aaron couldn’t help but crave comfort instead of solitude. And Katelyn had, of course, just made that craving worse, which just opened another can of worms.

Minyards truly never get above rock bottom. Sometimes it might seem like it, but that's just an illusion.

He never had a father, and lost his mother too soon. Barely any friends, no girlfriend anymore, and now...no brother.

A new wave of sadness overcame him, causing him to gasp for air before crying all over again. Kevin very awkwardly sat beside him and patted his back too softly to really be felt. It wasn’t enough, it was never enough.

He leaned into Kevin's side, less snuggling and more roughly pushing his shoulder and face into the fabric of Kevin's jacket and cried himself empty. He couldn't bring himself to care about his dignity.

What am I supposed to do now?

How can we ever come back from this?

Why?

Why would he hit me?

He wasn't supposed to hurt me like that.

It was useless to try and find an answer. The only one who had it was Andrew. And although Aaron would love to confront his brother and ask him about it, he wasn’t sure how he would ever be able to look at him the same way again.

Had he always wanted to do it?

What made him finally snap?

Why now, after all this time?

He would never know. The only thing he could do was cry and try to wrap his mind around it. Even after his tears had mostly dried, the headache that had started earlier showed no sign of stopping. At least he had finally calmed down enough to take full breaths and was currently staring at the floor in absolute silence. His eyes burned, and his right one was slowly starting to swell.

When he finally found the energy to glance at Kevin, he found him sitting ramrod straight next to him, his entire body tense. He looked somewhat overwhelmed. Maybe it was because, as far as Aaron could remember, it was usually the other way around, and Aaron had to take care of Kevin when he had a breakdown. It usually involved a lot of sitting with him next to the toilet while Kevin threw up most of what he had been drinking.

So, to have their roles reversed left Kevin clueless as to what to do.

Aaron cleared his throat awkwardly loud.

“Uh, thanks. Sorry. I’m better now. So...”

He trailed off, unsure of what to say. He wanted to go back to the dorms, curl up in bed and sleep this off. But he couldn’t, it was too risky. He didn’t share a room with Andrew anymore, but the chance of running into him was still really high if he went back now. Unless…

“Let's go back to the dorms?”

He had tried to phrase it like a statement, an instruction that couldn’t be declined. But it had come out weak and like a question. Like he was asking for permission. He cringed internally.

Thankfully, Kevin just nodded and got up, making Aaron breathe a sigh of relief. He couldn’t be entirely sure, but with his mother, when other people who were not her boyfriend were around, she wouldn’t lay a hand on Aaron. So maybe that same logic applied to Andrew, and he would be safe as long as Kevin was walking with him.

He hated how he had now reached the point of comparing Andrew with Tilda. They didn’t talk the entire way back, and he was thankful for it. So Kevin did know when to shut up.

They reached Aaron's door first, and before he could get his key out or say bye to Kevin, a door down the hall slammed open. Aaron flinched and automatically grabbed Kevin's arm, holding on tight, snapping his head towards the sound after a delay of one second.

False alarm. Allison had exited her room and rushed past them, not even sparing them a glance.

Aaron could still hear his heartbeat in his ears when Kevin spoke.

“Are you sure you're okay?”

He let go as if he had been burned, taking an abrupt step back. Well, that was embarrassing. Keeping his eyes on the ground, he swallowed thickly.

“Yeah. Um... don't…”

“I won't tell anyone.”

He finally looked up at Kevin and gave him a small thankful smile.

“Thank you.”

Of course he hadn’t wanted Kevin to tell anyone about his little breakdown, but his biggest concern had been Andrew. He wasn’t sure how his brother would react to him crying to Kevin; he wasn’t sure about anything anymore.

As he finally reached the safety of his room, he felt like crying again. God, what was he supposed to do?

Chapter Text

*

POV Andrew

*

He might have underestimated the amount of strength he had used on Aaron.

By the time it was the next morning, and they were all supposed to meet up for morning practice, Nicky greeted them in front of their door, alone. With Aaron nowhere in sight, Nicky informed them that he apparently wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be joining them today, citing a headache.

Andrew bit his cheek, annoyed; that wasn’t a good sign.

No, that wouldn’t do.

He started for Nicky's dorm, where he hoped to find Aaron to confront him about all this. While walking down the hallway, he questioned Nicky, who was falling in step behind him. Kevin and Neil were following as well, curious about Andrew's sudden rush.

“Are you sure he wasn’t just trying to get out of practice today?”

“I don’t know, he didn’t even get out of bed. Why?”

Nicky was suspicious of him, probably because normally, he would not care if Aaron joined them or not.

They opened the door to find Aaron, freezing mid-step on his way to the kitchen.

Clearly, he had planned to just grab a sip of water before going back to bed, as he was still in his sleep shirt and shorts, an empty water bottle in hand.

And a dark black eye on his face.

Something ugly twisted inside of Andrew at the knowledge that he was the one who had caused it. He couldn’t think of anything to say and just stood there, staring. Nicky, on the other hand, gasped loudly, clearly also seeing it for the first time, and immediately rushed over. Oddly, he could tell that Kevin wanted to move towards Aaron for a split second, before thinking better of it and staying in his place right next to Andrew.

“Oh my god! What happened? Who did that?”

Aaron glanced over at Andrew once before settling on his cousin’s face, clearly glossing over the questions.

“I'm okay, my head just hurts. Why are you here? Did you forget something?”

Although he hadn’t been addressed, Andrew answered, trying to keep any emotion out of his voice.

“Yeah, you.”

Aaron looked over at him, but left his body turned towards Nicky.

“I'm not feeling good. I'll pass on practice today.”

Nicky shook his head as he stepped closer.

“That’s fine, it's not important right now. Just tell me when that happened. And how?”

“Yesterday…”

Again, he refused to say anything else that would give Andrew away as the culprit. Nicky softly took hold of his chin and tilted his head, trying to assess the damage.

“I'll go and get something to cool it with.”

With Nicky temporarily out of the way, he had expected to be confronted by Aaron. But instead of accusing Andrew of being a reckless asshole, he just stared after Nicky, not moving a muscle. It irritated Andrew to be ignored like that.

Neil sensed that Andrew would want to talk with Aaron alone and grabbed Kevin to drag him outside. There was a second of hesitation before Kevin let himself be pulled away.

“It was an accident. I didn’t mean to.”

Not even a second after they were left alone, the words blurted out of Andrew before he could stop them. Normally, he had himself under control when it came to saying only what he wanted. But right now, he just needed to let Aaron know he hadn’t intended for this to happen.

Aaron's eyes widened for a second before he directed them down towards his feet and quietly mumbled an answer.

“I assumed so.”

That didn’t sound convincing. Andrew took a step closer, thinking of something else to say. At this sudden movement, Aaron flinched and took a step back, flicking one scared glance up at Andrew, as if begging him to stay away.

That hurt. As much as he hated to admit it. It hurt a lot.

Other people could call him a monster or whatever they wanted; he didn’t give a fuck. But not Aaron, he shouldn’t be terrified when looking at his own brother.

“Aaron, it wasn’t on purpose.”

Don’t be scared of me.

“I know.”

Aaron's tone and shaky voice didn’t sound like he meant it, and he took another step back. Despite talking to Andrew, Aaron's eyes were still fixed on the ground.

“Look at me.”

His only response was a short shake of his head, which could be mistaken for a twitch with how quick it was.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Okay.”

“It was an accident. Fuck, Aaron, what do you want from me? I'm just-“

“Whoa, what's going on, guys? Don't fight!”

Nicky had returned, handing over the cooling pack to Aaron. Apparently glad for the distraction, Aaron took it from him and shot him a small grateful smile. It vanished the moment he looked over at Andrew, who had to take a deep breath not to lash out immediately.

“Aaron...”

He hated not knowing what to say, not knowing how to fix something. And Aaron didn’t seem to want to hear anything from him, grabbing Nicky's sleeve and whispering to him.

“Can you tell him to leave?”

The fact that he wanted him gone hurt, but not as much as his inability to tell Andrew himself. It made him feel helpless and angry.

Nicky blinked twice, registering Aaron's words, and just as he turned and opened his mouth, Andrew interrupted him, his voice now more tense.

“Are you kidding me? At least tell me yourself when you want me to do some-“

“Okay, that's enough! Andrew, get out. I'll get to practice by myself somehow. You don’t have to wait up.”

Nicky rarely raised his voice like this, but Andrew was done with this conversation anyway. It was extremely frustrating, and he was at his wits' end. He practically stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

For the rest of the day, he was in an absolutely sour mood, mulling over anything he could do to fix this. But in the end, the conclusion he reached was to simply wait it out.

He didn’t see Aaron at all that entire day. His brother stayed in bed from morning until evening, only talking to Nicky about supposed migraines. It was almost believable, if not for the fact that when Andrew asked if he could do something to help, Nicky hesitated and visibly tensed.

“I think he just needs a little time by himself right now.”

That was all he needed to know. Aaron was still scared of him.

Look, Andrew wasn’t completely oblivious. Of course, Aaron would have to work through this somehow. Accident or not, someone close to him hurt him, and taking into account his traumatic past, it was understandable that he had gotten triggered by that.

But, completely avoiding Andrew was not the solution. Acting like Andrew was some rabid animal, ready to pounce any second, was not fair. It wasn’t fair at all. And it hurt. But if Aaron really didn’t want to talk to him, or look at him for that matter, then that was his decision. Andrew could respect that and wait for him to take the first step.

It wasn’t pettiness, it was respect.

*

POV Aaron

*

That first night after Andrew hit him was almost entirely sleepless due to his racing mind. The pain in his eye wasn’t helping either. And after seeing himself in the mirror the next morning, he did not want to do anything other than curl up in his bed.

A black eye, how familiar.

Not from a fistfight with a stranger or an exy match. No, this one had been given by someone far too important to just shrug off.

So he informed Nicky that he was feeling sick and would not be able to make it to practice. Of course, all this was said while hidden under his covers; he knew he couldn't avoid anyone seeing him until it healed, but he at least wanted to put it off for as long as possible.

As expected, Nicky took the excuse without any suspicion and wished him well before leaving. Matt had gotten up a bit earlier than Nicky, so Aaron was left alone in their bedroom. The silence didn't help; it actually made him think more and more about the hurt and betrayal he was feeling. He curled up tighter, clutching his stomach. He could not fall asleep again and soon gave up on trying. The others should be gone by now, right? He could get a quick drink without anyone seeing him.
At least he had hoped so. But the moment he was just two steps from the kitchen, the door swung open again.

Fuck.

He froze in place, heart hammering in his chest.

For a short moment, he thought that Andrew must have told Nicky and Kevin about yesterday, that they somehow would also be mad at him now.
Nicky’s shocked reaction relaxed him somewhat.

Andrew even apologised, which didn't mean much overall.

Since she had also tried to apologise and console him after she had regained her senses and had come down from whatever trip or outburst of anger she had been on. He just had to wait in his room until she was ready, and then they could pretend that it had never happened. Sometimes he waited a few hours, and sometimes it took her a day or two. But she always came around again. At points, it even seemed like it might really never happen again since she had managed to stay sober for multiple months at a time before inevitably relapsing.

Not that it mattered now. Just like how Andrew's apology didn't matter much. Of course, he would feel bad for hitting his brother. It didn't mean that it wouldn't happen again.

He didn't even know what Andrew wanted from him exactly; he just kept repeating it over and over until Aaron managed to get Nicky to kick him out.

For a short moment, he had been worried that Andrew would go for Nicky too, but after he had left without much of a fight, he had realised how stupid that would have been. Nicky hadn't done anything wrong after all, and he deserved to be respected. That sentiment seemed to be one he shared with Andrew, since his brother hadn't even tried to fight Nicky on it.

Although he was glad to have Andrew gone, he didn't feel up to discussing anything with Nicky. He wouldn't even know where to start with his explanation. Added to that, he still wasn't sure if Nicky would even take him seriously or tell him that he was overreacting.

So he gave him the silent treatment until he finally gave up his questioning and let him go back to bed. And that's where he stayed for the rest of the day, only getting up when absolutely necessary. He needed time to grasp everything and come up with a solution on how to proceed.

Instead of lying awake all night like he had the night before, this time, Aaron actually managed to fall asleep. That did not mean that he was resting at all, however. Normally, he had gotten used to all the nightmares he would occasionally have by now.

But this time was different.

Not necessarily the dreams themselves, since they were the same as always. They were always an amalgamation of terrible things playing out in front of him, and him being frozen in place and unable to stop them. Watching his brother get hurt, or Nicky crying, or his mother calling for him, while he could just stand there.

It was terrible, yes, but by now par for the course of his nightly routine.

No, the worst part was that after waking up, he couldn't even try and calm down by telling himself that it wasn't real and he was safe and everyone was okay. Because it wasn’t true anymore.

He had about three seconds of blissful ignorance where he was still stuck halfway in his dreams and waking up, before he remembered what had happened in his real life that had left him hurt and scared.

There was now a rift between him and the person he had fought so hard to meet. It was his own fault for acting out of line, for getting too comfortable when fighting with Josten and Andrew’s fault for being the son of their mother. He had only just now come around to the idea that she might have genuinely not been a good mom, and that she wasn't just a victim of circumstances. He just wasn’t sure where that put Andrew now.

He thought of telling Nicky about everything after waking up for the third time. Maybe he could help.

But what if he agreed with Andrew? What if he started doing it too?

A shiver ran down his spine at that thought. No, Nicky would never … probably. He couldn’t see it happening, not at all, but now that the thought had popped up, it wouldn't leave him alone. His trust had been betrayed before; he could be wrong about Nicky, too.

Then again, what if the opposite happened?

Even if he took Aaron's side, Nicky would blow it out of proportion and might send Andrew away to keep Aaron safe. He started breaking out in a cold sweat at the thought. Would that impact Andrew's future? Where would he go? When would they see each other?

Would it tear their family apart if he told someone?

He could not let that happen.

Forcing himself to try and calm down and fall asleep again, the nightmare that followed had taken on a less abstract form of horror.

It was far too realistic, beginning with him simply waking up in Columbia and walking down the stairs of a seemingly empty house. The only sign of life he could find was a note taped to the front door.

Gone back to Germany. Erik said you guys are too much work and will never change. I’m sorry, Aaron, you should leave, too.

His stomach twisted itself up more and more with each word he read. This could not be happening. He shouldn’t have told Nicky. This is what he gets for dumping all of this onto his cousin.

His breathing turned to gasps, and the world around him seemed to shrink in on itself. No goodbye, no warning that he was about to leave, after all these years. And it was all Aaron’s fault.

The letters started swimming as his eyes filled with tears before the piece of paper was suddenly snatched out of his hand. Andrew had seemingly appeared out of nowhere next to him and was now skimming over the contents of the note before flicking a furious glare at Aaron.

“Wow, good job. You managed to scare him off. Hope you're happy now.”

“I didn't want for that-“

His head snapped to the side from the force of being slapped, and he was left staring at the wall, as Andrew's voice mixed with one he hadn't heard in a long time, a few octaves higher.

“Shut the fuck up, I don't want to hear your excuses! Go to your room and stay there. If I see you down here again, you'll be sorry. I can't stand seeing your dumb face today.”

We have the same face.

That short defiant thought was instantly wiped away as he nodded quickly and hurried back to his room, trying to avoid any other punishments. He quickly gathered his covers and dragged them to the far end of the room, the corner furthest from the door. There, he huddled up in them and rolled into the smallest ball he could manage.

He woke up in his bed with tears running down his face, and his decision cemented. He could never ever tell Nicky about this. Not if he wanted his family to stay together.

*

It was while he was eating breakfast with Nicky the next morning that something in him decided to take one small risk and ask a question that wouldn’t be too obvious. So he didn’t give anything away. It had taken him a few minutes until he had enough courage (or desperation) to talk to Nicky; his fear of more unkind treatment was almost too much to bear. But his need for reassurance was too big. He needed something, anything, to put his mind at ease. At least a little bit.

“Nicky?”

His cousin immediately looked up, smiling brightly at him. “Yeah?”

His open and disarming reaction made the next part a bit easier.

“What would you do if Erik said he hated me? Or us, Andrew and me? If he…thought we were too much to handle? That we are bad for you?”

He had originally planned his question to be much shorter and concise, but once he opened his mouth, he started rambling. Nicky took a second until the words registered, and it made his smile fade away.

Great, now he made him sad. Good fucking job, Aaron.

Before he could spiral any more, Nicky cleared his throat and spoke almost hesitantly.

“Aaron, he loves you guys, you know that, right?”

“I know. It’s just, hypothetically, if he couldn’t stand us...If he thought we weren’t worth all the trouble we put you through. What- what would happen?”

He could tell that Nicky wanted to ask what had brought this on, his eyes soft and face full of concern. Instead, he set his phone down and reached across the table, offering his hands. With no hesitation, Aaron reached out and took them.

“I would dump him so fast.”

That surprised him. The finality in Nicky’s voice was reassuring, and he squeezed his hands. He continued, his voice soft but firm. “If my partner doesn’t love you guys , then what’s the point? You're my family, and I could never be with someone who doesn't love you.”

Aaron nodded along to that explanation, tears slowly filling his eyes. He bit his lip and looked down. The next question on his tongue.

Are we too much for you?

But he didn't say it.

“Hey,” one of Nicky’s hands lifted off the table and landed on his arm, softly petting him, “you wanna tell me what’s going on now?”

He shook his head softly; he couldn't.

“Okay, that’s fine. Just know that I’m always there for you. And you can come to me with anything.”

His cousin wasn’t stupid, and Aaron was aware that he was just playing the long game. Setting the foundation for Aaron to come to him. But he was still grateful that he wouldn’t pry any more for now, although he would still expect Aaron to be ready to talk to him at some point.

Well, he could wait forever for that to happen. For now, Aaron was just happy to know that Nicky was a shoulder to lean on, someone who would console him without asking too many questions. He could make this work.

After all, now that he had made up his mind to just live in this new reality, he would have to bear it one way or another. It would happen again, that much he was sure of. It wasn’t clear when or why, but it would, and Aaron needed to be ready.

It was only a matter of time after the first punch. It always seemed to open a door that had been previously locked, never to be closed again. A goal post had been moved.

He had been too young when his mother had done it for the first time, so he could not remember how it was back then, but he had plenty of experience when it came to her boyfriends. Especially with some of the nicer ones, who refused to hurt him at first. They would be shocked and confused when they witnessed Tilda laying a hand on Aaron. Some even defended him and tried to stop her from doing it again.

There are better ways of discipline, one had told her, and Aaron had a short moment of confusion and almost hope that there were adults who might not hurt him.

But it wasn't long before each one of them cracked and started doing it, too.

For some, he could still remember the shocked look on their faces when they backhanded him for dropping something or just being annoying for the first time. How they apologised, claiming they hadn’t meant to do it and promising that it would never happen again. Some even got him gifts or ice cream right after, making him promise not to tell his mom, as if she would care. And still, it would happen again not long after, since it was so much easier than trying to explain to Aaron what he had done wrong.

Only very few of them never hit him, but apparently, other ways of discipline weren't necessarily better.

One had him doing jumping jacks every time he did something wrong, which was so, so often. It didn't sound all that bad at first, but the number of times he had to do it soon reached an unachievable number, leaving him aching and sometimes even throwing up from exhaustion.

Another one that Aaron particularly hated made him stand in the corner of the living room for hours on end, not letting him leave for anything at all. Although that one didn’t necessarily hurt all that much, apart from the withdrawal symptoms that would start creeping in after the first few hours, it had been humiliating, only made worse by the fact that at that point, he had been far too old to be put in a time-out. It had been late enough in his life with his mom that they had already moved into the house in Columbia. Which was why Aaron now always had to try his best to avoid looking at that corner when he was in the living room.

Even worse was the fact that Andrew had already been living with them at that point, and only by some miracle had he not been home each time Aaron had been shoved into the corner. So at least he was spared the embarrassment of being seen by his brother dirty and shaking while staring at a wall.

But all that was absolutely nothing compared to the very few guys that somehow managed to get through to his mother and convince her to fight against her blinding rage. But not for Aaron's benefit. No, they convinced her to just give him the silent treatment.

Actually, it wasn't just silent; it was far worse than that.

He would suddenly be treated like he didn't exist, like he was invisible and had never even been there. No one would talk to him, look at him or acknowledge him whatsoever. Lights would be turned off even though he was still in a room. Two plates were put on the table for dinner, even though he was also sitting at it.

He had cried and begged for anyone to speak to him, only to be shoved aside as if he were a piece of furniture that was in the way. He had no clue how old he was the first time it had happened, but he had been small enough that he couldn’t reach many things by himself, which was why he was left starving and parched, just lying on the couch at the end of it. That wasn’t even the last of it; it had happened again throughout his entire childhood, and although it got easier for him to get food and keep himself standing even without help, it never got any easier to bear.

It only stopped when his mother broke up with the boyfriends who told her to do it. Then she would suddenly care for him again, telling him it was them against the world and she would do anything for him. That was also when she would start hitting him again. And Aaron had decided then that hitting was far, far better than being ignored.

Because it meant he was at least acknowledged as a person. That someone cared enough about his existence to be annoyed with him, and to do something about it. That someone was trying to correct his behaviour, because they wanted him to be better. Because pain was a sign of care and love.

That mindset had been hard to shake. In the beginning, he had often tried to get Andrew to hit him for that exact reason. For a long time, he barely acknowledged Aaron’s existence, only talking to him every now and then. And then they started him on that fucking medication, and Aaron was like air to him most of the time. It drove him crazy; it hurt so much.

He still remembered the time Allison hit him, and Andrew had jumped in to defend him. Although the hit itself had left him feeling nauseous, the fact that Andrew had almost killed her for touching Aaron had him feeling almost euphoric. He was riding that high for days after, constantly wishing someone else would come and hurt him just to see more proof that Andrew actually cared.

By now, he had slowly learned that this had been a fucked up way of thinking. He had just been starting to build an understanding that Andrew loved him in his own weird way. And that he didn’t need to be hit for someone to show that they cared.

He had actually started to believe it.

And now? Now he desperately wished to be able to go back to that mindset. A few years ago, he would have loved this. Finally, an acknowledgement that he was there, and that Andrew cared enough about his existence, to put his hands on him. All attention was good attention after all.

But he couldn't go back. Once the breakthrough had been made, there was no way for him to build the illusion back up.

No, he was just broken because Andrew had broken him. because a punch to the face for fighting with Neil wasn't love, it was a threat. It was a warning that Neil was loved and protected, and Aaron was tolerated at best and would be put in his place if necessary.

He wasn't loved. He was being punished for things that didn't need punishing. Bee would be so proud of him for knowing that.

And Aaron could not enjoy this therapy breakthrough, he just wanted his brother back.

*

POV Andrew

*

He hadn’t seen Aaron all day yesterday, apart from the morning fiasco, of course. He had hoped that when Aaron went with them to morning practice today, it meant that he was over it and able to behave normally around Andrew. How wrong he had been.

He had gotten into the car with Andrew and the others, and he had practised just like normal, with one glaring problem. He had not looked at Andrew. Not once.

The others didn’t notice. Why would they? But Andrew did, after he tried and tried to catch his brother's eye, only for Aaron to keep his distance whenever possible and only stare at his feet, even when playing the ball to him.

It felt too much like how everyone treated him when he was still on medication, and it had him feeling sick. He had almost been looking forward to his lecture, just so he could distract himself for a bit, only to find out that it was cancelled, today of all days.

To avoid having to be alone with his thoughts, he opted to hang out with Nicky in his dorm instead. Normally, he wouldn’t mind some peace and quiet and being on his own, but today that would simply not do. Neil had offered to skip his own lecture to keep him company, but he had waved him off. He didn’t want to inconvenience Neil just because he was feeling horrible about whatever was going on with Aaron. Maybe he would even run into his brother, after all, he should also be there right now.

Nicky was in a bean bag, texting on his phone, and Andrew was sprawled on the couch playing a game on his, when a door opened and Aaron walked in. He was mid-stretch, his eyes closed as he began talking, his voice louder and clearer than Andrew had heard all day.

“I’ll make myself a coffee, do you also want one, Nicky?”

Ah, that was why.

He hadn’t expected Andrew to be here. After all, Andrew should normally be in class, and not hanging out in his dorm right now.

The moment Aaron opened his eyes and saw Andrew, his entire demeanour changed. He tensed, his hands finding each other, his eyes wide and stuck on Andrew's.

Finally, they were looking at each other.

His mouth pressed into a thin line, anxiety visible on his face, and Andrew unwillingly mirrored his expression, jaw tensing.

Don’t act like that around me.

Nicky didn’t look up from his phone, didn’t notice the thick tension in the air around him. He responded, voice way too upbeat for the atmosphere.

“Yeah, I'd love one.”

Andrew cocked his head to the side and ever so calmly spoke. “I ‘d love one too.”

He stared at Aaron, unblinking. Just daring him to say no. He wasn’t being mean on purpose; it was a completely normal request, and he just wanted to see if Aaron would actually refuse. If he would say no just because Andrew had accidentally injured him while actually trying to keep him safe from the road.

Worse things have happened to him while playing exy.

Why is this so different to him?

Instead of refusing, Aaron nodded sharply and turned, basically running to the kitchen. Andrew resisted the urge to follow him and corner him into talking. He could wait this out. He had already apologised, and Aaron had avoided one-on-one time with him like the plague since then. He would come around soon; he had to.

When Aaron returned, he almost expected him not to bring him a cup. But despite his doubts, Aaron handed one to Nicky and made his way over to where Andrew was sitting, holding another one. And he looked so scared, staring at the cup, walking softly and carefully as if he was carrying something precious and incredibly brittle.

Andrew kept staring at his face, waiting for him to look up, but he never did, eyes fixed on the coffee. When Andrew lifted his hands to take the mug, Aaron flinched ever so softly before quickly handing it over.

His hands were shaking.

Andrew couldn’t look away from them, not even after Aaron's shaking hands vanished inside the pockets of his hoodie. He took one shuddering breath before turning and getting his own coffee, before leaving the room in a rush.

Andrew stared after him. Something was so severely wrong, and Andrew did not know what to do about it.

But there was one sliver of hope. They had their joint session with Bee tomorrow; they could talk about it there. Although Andrew was almost looking forward to finally getting some closure for this, there was always some nagging dread he couldn't get rid of.

Logically, he knew that Bee would understand that it hadn’t been on purpose, and he would never want to hurt Aaron. But he would still have to admit to her that yes, he had in fact hurt his brother. But he could do it; he would take accountability for it.

And then they would be fine again, and everything could go back to normal.

Chapter Text

POV Aaron

If he couldn’t convince himself that everything was fine, he could at least pretend for other people. Because he knew that if anyone caught on, they might go crying to Wymack or Abby, and then everything would go to shit.

So he tried his best to seem like the same Aaron he had always been. After spending the entirety of yesterday in his room, he was back at practice today, putting on his best display of absolute normalcy. Be grumpy, but not too grumpy. Laugh at some jokes, but not too loudly. Roll your eyes at just the right moment.

The one thing he could not bring himself to do was his usual bickering and fighting with Neil. After all, that was what had started this whole thing. Usually, they would constantly be going at it, and Aaron had assumed that there was some mutual understanding between them that it was never serious. He had obviously thought wrong.

Kevin kept shooting him looks the entire time, and although Aaron tried to fool him into thinking everything was fine and even snapped at him once for staring, it did not seem to make him less suspicious. After practice, Kevin even seemed to break out of his routine and walk back to campus with Aaron, which he would normally never do on Wednesdays. Aaron was all too aware of that, since he knew that Kevin did not have a lecture anytime soon, unlike Aaron, and would normally head back to the dorms right away.

They had walked outside together while talking, and only when they were past the parking lot did Aaron realise that Kevin hadn’t stopped.

“Why are you walking with me?”

Kevin broke off his story of a new practice exercise that he had discovered and blinked at Aaron, brows furrowed in confusion.

“Why not?”

“Uh, maybe because you never walk with me on Wednesdays? You don't have any lectures now.”

“Oh, you know that?”

The faintest blush was painting Kevin's cheeks as his eyebrows shot up, and he seemed surprised to be caught in his lie. It made Aaron second-guess himself.

Was it weird for him to know that? Should he not have mentioned it?

“Yeah, um, you told me before, remember?”

That was only a half-truth, since Kevin had never explicitly told him his schedule. They just hung out with each other enough for him to remember different parts of Kevin’s daily routines. But saying that Kevin himself had let Aaron know when exactly he would have to be at the lecture halls sounded better than admitting that he was acutely aware of Kevin's specific routines simply by paying attention to them.

“Right, right.” Kevin seemed to believe his excuse and brought one hand up to his neck to rub it, a self-conscious gesture that he didn’t use often when talking to Aaron. “I just wanted to walk with you, I guess.”

“What? Why? “

He was blushing, he was sure of it. Bringing one hand up to rub at his warm cheeks, he wasn’t exactly sure why suddenly.

“You seem, well...for a lack of a better word: scared.”

A chill ran up and down his spine.

“What?”

He thought he had put on a good front. But if even someone like Kevin, who wasn’t exactly known for his people skills, could figure out that he was terrified whenever Andrew was near, then he wasn't doing a very good job.

Seemingly thinking his answer through thoroughly, Kevin silently stared at his feet for a few seconds.

“Maybe not scared, per se. But you're more skittish, you keep flinching at anything loud or at light touches. It was never this extreme before.”

“…I didn’t notice that I was doing that.”

“And I honestly can’t just ignore the other day. You know, when we walked back together?”

When I was crying.

“You looked so scared and terrified, and yesterday you didn’t want to talk to anyone. And you have that black eye! So something must have happened to you.”

Those were all great points, but Aaron had really nothing to say to that. He could not be honest about this.

Lie. Protect your family at all costs.

“Everything's fine. It was a stupid fight, and I handled it. Don't worry about me; all the flinching is just a stupid learned reaction that I still have.”

For a second, it looked like Kevin might want to argue, but then he seemingly thought better of it. Good, just what Aaron had wanted..

To completely put an end to this conversation, he put the final nail in the coffin.

“Don’t treat me like I’m some fragile little thing, I don’t like it.”

That should get Kevin off his case. But the response he got wasn’t what he had expected.

“I’m not. I’m just... I guess I’m trying to do what I would want other people to do for me.”

That answer hung in the air between them for about two seconds before coming down on Aaron, crushing him with guilt.

None of them had been particularly nice to Kevin when he first came here. No one had tried to actually understand him or give him an ounce of comfort. He was left to handle his panic attacks alone, and they all had a hard time seeing past the arrogant and crass façade he had put up. The only tool to help him manage his anxiety he got was a bottle of alcohol that was shoved in his hand the moment he threatened to show any negative emotion that wasn’t anger.

Kevin had told him once that he had never drunk anything before coming to Palmetto. And to think that he was and is a borderline alcoholic now was really fucked up.

Running a hand through his hair, Aaron sighed loudly. He almost wanted to apologise for all the times everyone had scoffed at Kevin barrelling into a panic attack. But apologising would be useless now, so he didn't. Instead, he looked up at Kevin, making eye contact.

“Thank you.”

It came out with more feeling than he would have wanted. But he was truly grateful for Kevin's concern, and didn't have enough energy to try and hide it.

The answer he got was a bright smile, big and lopsided and as if Aaron just told him that he would go to night practice with him. Kevin then bumped their shoulders together.

“No problem.”

.

That interaction had brightened his day somewhat, and after his lectures, he went right back to his dorm room in a rather good mood. He knew that Andrew would have back-to-back lectures now, so there was not really any chance of running into him accidentally. Nicky was already in their dorm, reading something on the couch, and after a short greeting, Aaron vanished into the bedroom to study.

It didn’t take long before his terrible night caught up with him, and he needed some coffee, or he would fall asleep at his table. His body ached as he got up, and while stretching out his arms, he stepped into the living room.

And that's about when this day's idyllic nature shattered. Andrew's voice cut through the room, hitting Aaron right in his core.

Why was he here? He shouldn't be here.

After a second of staring, Aaron realised what Andrew had said to him. Okay, he could make an extra coffee; that was fine.

He knew how Andrew liked it. There would be no reason to get mad at him.

Despite trying to calm himself down, he stared at the mugs in their cabinet, trying to pick one that wouldn't hurt him as much if it were smashed into his face. Just in case. Not that it would happen, he would make Andrew’s coffee just right. He settled on a very plain one with no extra features carved into the front or added in clay. Kevin's novelty exy mug was absolutely a no-go. With a little exy racket added to the outside, it would hurt far more, and the pieces would break off and be a pain to get out of his skin.

Right after that thought he shook his head. Andrew wouldn’t, especially not with Nicky in the room as well.

Fuck, why did he have to offer to make one for Nicky? He could have avoided all this if he had just gone right to the kitchen.

But what's done is done. All he could do was make the best coffee Andrew had ever tasted. And although he was sure it would be up to his brother's standards, his heart was still beating out of his chest when he handed it over. He could not stop his hands from shaking, and knew that Andrew must have noticed. It was an agonisingly long second before he finally took the mug from his hands.

While making his way back to his room, he felt somewhat foolish. Of course, Andrew didn’t do anything. He needed to get his act together and not break out in a cold sweat every time he was in the same room as him. For Andrew to do something, there would have to be a reason; as long as Aaron behaved, he was safe.

In the end, Aaron never drank his coffee; the mug abandoned on his desk. His stomach was already tied into knots, and he didn’t want to have to leave the room to go to the bathroom just because he drank it. He didn’t know how long Andrew was in on the couch, but just in case, he didn’t leave his room again until evening, when he could be absolutely sure that he was gone.

Starved, he ate too much all at once when he finally stood in the kitchen and ended up crawling into bed with a terrible stomach ache that only got worse when he checked his calendar and realised that they had their joint session with Bee tomorrow.

Great, this night would be sleepless as well.

*

Aaron was like a ghost on their way to Bee. Sitting next to Andrew in the passenger seat, all stiff and silent, not daring to move. They were alone, just the two of them, and he couldn’t imagine what would happen if he spoke out of turn now. No witnesses were always dangerous.

Andrew glanced over at him once, but kept his eyes on the road otherwise. Normally, he had gotten a pretty good grasp on his brother's expressions, but right now, he couldn’t tell if he was annoyed or angry or completely unbothered. It had been silent for a good few minutes when Andrew finally spoke, voice tense.

“Relax. I'm not going to hurt you.” Oh, he definitely sounded annoyed.

Aaron took a few deep breaths before mumbling an answer that would hopefully, hopefully not make Andrew more mad.

“Yeah, of course. Sorry.”

There was no response to that, but he saw how Andrew’s grip on the steering wheel tightened. It scared him, and he swallowed hard. He couldn’t wait to get out of here, almost looking forward to having Bee in the room as well. As much as she might prefer Andrew, he could not see her letting anyone get hurt on her watch.

And he would not give Andrew a reason to do so either. After all, he knew how he was supposed to behave there.

Deny everything. Nothing happened, and everything is just peachy.

Just like when teachers talked to him, or CPS. Just smile and nod, and never let them see through you.

Just that he wouldn’t literally smile at her, that would just make everything more suspicious. No, he would just act like he had last time, and the time before. Annoyed, and as if it was such a waste of time. Even though that wasn’t even what he really thought about their sessions. They were helping, at least Aaron had assumed that. Now, he wasn’t entirely sure.

But that wasn’t important now. He needed to put on a good show for Bee, like Andrew would surely expect from him.

He could do it.

*

POV Andrew

*

He had really thought they could talk it out here in therapy. As they had done with so many things before. It took everything in him not to snap on the drive to Bee’s office and grab Aaron by the shoulders to shake that scared expression out of him. No, he would let Aaron confront him on his own terms, with Bee there to mediate.

But the moment they stepped into her office, Aaron's entire demeanour changed. Andrew watched it happen, completely baffled, as his expression switched from worried and scared to a mildly annoyed scowl. The one he wore every time they got here. The only hint that he was still nervous was his hands and the fact that he kept playing with the hem of his sweater. Other than that, he was lounging in his chair almost casually, and Andrew just did not know what to make of it.

And when Betsy asked them how the last week had been, he had the audacity to shrug and casually answer her.

“The usual. Lots of schoolwork.”

Andrew stared in disbelief. This would be the perfect moment for Aaron to accuse him of being an asshole, or insult him for being so uncoordinated, or literally anything besides completely sidestepping the topic. Instead, he was suddenly acting like it never happened.

He hadn’t heard Bee's response; instead trying to get Aaron to say anything other than this weird lie he was putting out.

“Aaron is scared of me.”

Betsy looked up, and Aaron's head snapped over to him, face unreadable. He looked surprised and thoroughly confused.

Bee waited a beat, and when nothing came, turned to Aaron.

“What's going on, Aaron? Is that true?”

Aaron was still staring at Andrew, who lifted an eyebrow, trying to signal that he thought Aaron would want to talk about it. Aaron’s face settled into something anxious, and he swallowed hard.

“No! I mean, it’s- it was just an accident. I overreacted.”

Oh, so he knew that he was blowing this out of proportion? That still didn’t explain why he was acting like this.

“What exactly happened, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Andrew didn’t speak, waiting for Aaron to give her his version of events. Aaron was seemingly doing the same, before he realised that Andrew wasn’t going to talk. Now the worried look on his face intensified, as if and he didn’t seem to know wether to look at Andrew or Bee.

“I was fighting with Neil, and Andrew accidentally hurt me when we wouldn’t stop. It wasn’t on purpose, so I don’t know why im reacting like this.”

Bee wrote something down and nodded.

“So you realise he didn’t mean to do it?”

Aaron feverishly nodded again, glancing from Bee to Andrew and back. As if checking to see if Andrew was satisfied with his answer.

“Andrew, have you apologized?”

Andrew was the one to nod now, never looking away from his brother.

“Yes. Multiple times, actually.”

He couldn’t help but make his annoyance known. After all, he had done everything he could other than actually grovel at Aaron’s feet to let it be known that it wasn’t intentional and he was sorry.

Aaron’s eyes grew wide for a second, almost like he realised something. Then the frown was right back.

“Right. Yes, you did. I- I accept the apology, you’re good. Everything is okay. I’m sorry for making a big deal out of nothing.”

Again, all this apologising was out of character for Aaron, and Andrew didn’t like it. He scowled at Aaron, who stared at him with open worry.

“Good. So you’ll manage to pull yourself together from now on?”

Don’t act like I'm a monster.

Aaron nodded again, and finally, Andrew looked away. Why was he making this so hard? If he realised it wasn’t on purpose, then why was he still letting himself be controlled by all of his childhood experiences?

This wasn’t the same thing as being abused, not by a long shot.

Bee seemed to notice the tension in the room, and although she tried to make sure that Aaron was aware that his reaction was completely valid, he didn’t seem fully convinced. Andrew tuned her out while she was giving Aaron a few breathing exercises he could try to ground himself in case he gets triggered again.

He doesn’t need those. He gets into fights at Eden’s sometimes, and we play a violent sport for god's sake! He has never reacted like this before.

But it seemed good enough for now; maybe they would really be better after this. The rest of their session was about the usual: school, practice, and how neither of them is sleeping enough.

The ride back was quiet, but this time Andrew just let it happen. They had talked it out, and they would be fine now. Aaron had his apology and even some calming exercises, he would be back to normal soon. Right?

*

POV Aaron

*

He was exhausted by the time he got back from Bee’s office. Not physically, but mentally. He still wasn’t entirely sure what Andrew’s intentions had been. What kind of mind games was he playing?

Or was Aaron just missing something?

He had been convinced that this would have been the way to go, like his mom would want, whenever teachers or doctors asked about injuries. Lie through your teeth, say you fell or bumped your head and that nothing’s going on at all. So he couldn’t understand why Andrew had suddenly wanted to actually talk about it.

Maybe he had been annoyed that Aaron never actually acknowledged his apologies and accepted them. Since that had been what he had mentioned out loud.

How could he have messed up this badly? All he needed to do was not get on Andrew's nerves, and yet he seemed to fail this simple task again and again.

He was such a useless idiot. Maybe he really deserved it. Seemed to be the only way he would learn.

He was still curled up on the bed when someone knocked on the door. His heart sped up, and he shot upright, freezing, hoping it was neither Andrew nor Neil. The door opened, and to his immense relief, Kevin walked in.

After a sigh of relief, he let himself fall back down onto the bed, closing his eyes.

“What do you want?”

“You're back from your session with Bee, right?”

He cracked one eye open and looked over at Kevin, not liking the direction this conversation was going.

“Yeah, and?”

“Nothing. Andrew didn't seem all that happy when he got back, so I was just wondering.”

Those words alone made his heart speed up, and he turned away from Kevin so he couldn’t see the growing panic on his face. The thing he couldn’t hide was the shake in his voice.

“Did- did he say something?”

“Who, Andrew? No, he just said he needed a smoke, and then he and Neil went up to the roof.”

“Mhm.”

He chewed the inside of his cheek, that couldn't be a good sign. Andrew didn’t smoke as much as he used to. Usually, only when he was in a bad mood.

He thought he had kind of figured out what Andrew wanted him to say after some initial struggling in the session, but maybe that had taken too long for Andrew.

Maybe he was mad now.

His stomach lurched at that thought...fuck.

“Did you guys fight?” Kevin's concern was honestly endearing, but Aaron could barely focus on anything as he shook his head, willing Kevin to just drop it. Although he was lying down, it seemed like the room started to spin.

Andrew is mad at you. Andrew’s mad at you, and he’s going to tell Neil about it and then-

And then what?

He wasn't sure. Andrew was too different from his mom; he couldn't figure out what the punishment for making Andrew mad would be. But it couldn't be anything good.

It was only now that he noticed Kevin was no longer across the room from him but instead standing over him, shaking him softly by the shoulders.

“Aaron? Aaron, what’s going on?”

Turning to face him, a few tears ran down sideways over his cheeks. God, why did he keep crying these days? He hadn't even noticed that he had started taking gasping breaths and hugging his arms around himself.

Remembering some of the things Bee had told him, he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to count, to think of where he was and who he was with. It was all in vain as it only seemed to be getting worse.

“Are you hurt? Fuck, Aaron, talk to me.”

Why couldn’t Kevin just shut up? He did not want anyone to see him like this.

“Should I get Abby? Or Nicky? Or An-“

“No! Don't. Just stop talking.”

Blindly, he shoved into Kevin's general direction, getting him in the leg and making him stumble a few steps back. Good. Although he felt awful for being an asshole to someone simply showing concern, he wanted desperately to be alone to piece himself back together. Kevin did not seem to get the hint.

“Aaron...”

“Just fuck off, Kevin. Leave me alone!”

With that, he turned away again and rolled himself up into a ball. It took a few seconds before Kevin slowly made his way towards the door.

“Okay. I’m leaving. I’ll be outside, I guess. Just- If you need anyth-“

“Go.”

There was no response to that, and soon the door shut and Aaron was alone again. Perfect. Just how he liked it. Hiding away alone and letting no one witness him being weak. He didn’t need anyone to comfort him; he was perfectly able to calm himself down.

It just took so much longer. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed by the time he had stopped crying, and was just staring at the wall. He might have even fallen asleep at some point, with how groggy he felt.

He was so scared, but what could he do? Nothing really. He just had to grit his teeth and bear it. He was good at that.

That didn’t mean he wasn’t terrified.

After spending far too long just lying curled up in bed, he finally decided that he needed to get up. Drink something, maybe eat something, and try to regain his energy.

As he made his way out the door and into the living room, he stopped in surprise the moment his eyes landed on the person sitting at their kitchen table.

“Kevin?”

Indeed, Kevin seemed to have gotten all of his books and notebooks and whatever else he needed to study, and spread them out over their kitchen table. He had been so engrossed in what he was reading that he hadn’t even noticed Aaron come up to him, only lifting his head now that he had spoken.

“Aaron,” a concerned frown was instantly on his face, “how are you feeling?”

He swallowed hard, looking around confused. What was this idiot still doing here?

“Did you- did you wait for me?”

Almost sheepishly, Kevin ducked his head, and Aaron could have sworn his cheeks were starting to turn red.

“Yeah, I did. I just thought...I wanted to be here, just in case.”

Just in case.

“Right, thank you. I'm fine now.”

Instantly, all bashfulness vanished from Kevin's demeanour, and he sat up straighter, glaring at Aaron almost accusingly.

“Like hell you are. What is going on with you?”

Fuck. He could not tell him. As much as he wanted to.

“Kevin, I can't. I need to- I need some time.”

He had hoped that his sad, pleading voice would soften Kevin up a bit, and to his surprise, it worked. After sighing loudly, Kevin's glare mellowed into something like worry, and he gave in.

“Fine. But at least let me help you when you feel a panic attack coming.”

Normally, he would have told him to mind his own business, but by now, his defences had been weakened to the point of no return. All because he could not believe that Kevin actually sat here for hours just in case Aaron needed him. That amount of dedication just for Aaron did something to him.

“I will, I promise.”

Kevin gave him an unconvinced look, his hand twitching at his side as if he wanted to reach out, but thinking better of it and stopping himself.

And to Aaron's horror, he wanted Kevin to do just that.

Help me. Hold me. Tell me everything will be okay. Fix it.

His face warmed up at his own thoughts. There was nothing Kevin could do for him. He interlocked his own hands to keep himself from doing something stupid. Like reach out.

He hadn't accounted for Kevin's own stupidity.

“Can I... like...do anything for you now? I'd love to help.”

Don’t offer me that.

Shaking his head, he stared at Kevin. Why was he so insistent on helping? It made it harder and harder to decline each time.

“You sure?”

“Fuck, Kevin. Just drop it.”

Stop asking and just do it instead.

If he got hugged, he could at least pretend like he was just letting Kevin do it because it was easier than fighting him off. But no, Kevin was too concerned about what Aaron might be uncomfortable with.

“But-“

“Seriously, the only things that I want are not things you want to do, okay? So drop the act and leave it be!”

He said too much. Turning on his heel, he ran back to his room, slamming the door behind him. He didn’t lock it or anything, but there was no way Kevin would actually follow him now that he knew Aaron would want something weird from him.

The door creaked open a few seconds after Aaron had hidden himself under the covers. Someone slowly made their way over toward the bed, stopping right beside it.

“Aaron...if you don’t tell me what I could do to help you, we won't know if I would do it.”

“No. I'm just- I’m pathetic, and it's so useless and dumb. So just leave.”

Embarrassment was burning him up. Silly little Aaron, too high-strung to ask for a hug. Utterly pathetic.

“Aaron. I- I asked for stupid things too sometimes. It might be embarrassing, but if it helps…”

Aaron still refused to answer him; he would not ask Kevin to hold him in any way. Instead of finally giving up, Kevin doubled down.

“I even...” He swallowed loudly, and curiosity got the best of Aaron. He peeked out of the covers. Kevin's face was red and he looked extremely uncomfortable. “I asked...back when I was at the nest, I sometimes asked Riko if he could- my mom had a song she would sing to me when I was younger and when I missed her too much, I would ask him if he could...sing it for me.”

Aaron gaped at him, completely caught off guard. The thought of Kevin asking Riko for something as silly as this was baffling. But the story kept going.

“I asked Andrew too, once...”

His mouth fell open even more. No way.

“Did he do it?”

“Andrew? No, but he looked up the lyrics and read them out to me. It was sweet of him.”

He had never expected his brother to go along with something like this. It was a completely new side of him. Suddenly, he felt less stupid for asking for simple comfort. Clearing his throat, he sat up, lifting one hand towards Kevin.

“You won't have to sing anything, but, if it's okay for you…Could you, like, hold me? It doesn't have to be cuddling, hand is fine too.”

Instantly and without hesitation, Kevin reached out and took hold of Aaron’s hand, before sitting down on the bed as well. It did feel weird, but Aaron decided to try and power through the weirdness of it all to get even a scrap of comfort. And it worked, since after a little bit of silently holding hands, Aaron was able to relax into the touch and breathe a little bit easier.

A few more minutes passed, with both of them sitting in comfortable silence. Finally, he looked up at Kevin, who was already staring at him.

“Did he do it?”

Kevin blinked a few times, looking absolutely lost

“Did who do what?”

“Riko, did he sing?”

“Ah, yeah. For a long time, he did. But at some point…I didn’t ask again after that.”

“Mh.”

Aaron nodded, it wasn't the answer he had expected necessarily, but who was he to make assumptions?

Wasn't it the same for him?

Everyone saw his mom as a monster and a good riddance. And he knew that they were right in some ways, he also hated her for how she treated him and what she did to Andrew, did to both of them. But despite that, there would always be a part of him that held on to the good bits only he could remember.

When she was better. When she hugged him and told him how clever he was. When she would hold his hand when he was sad and console him.

Exhausted, he scooted back, letting Kevin lie down next to him as he leaned his forehead onto his arm and closed his eyes. He scooted closer once Kevin had gotten situated and leaned into him. He was so tired, and for some reason, incredibly sad again. He couldn’t even place why exactly so many things could be the cause of his sadness.

Although he tried to keep it in, a sniffle escaped him, and he was sure that Kevin had noticed. He moved to roll over, really sick of Kevin having to watch him cry. But before he could manage, hands landed on his face, one on either side, preventing him from hiding away.

“Calm down. Just stay put.”

Kevin was probably trying to go for consoling, but as usual, it came out a bit bossy. Not that Aaron minded, it actually felt good to have Kevin sounding like his usual self. What was quite unlike Kevin was that his thumbs moved over Aaron's cheeks, wiping the tears away. Right after, Aaron could feel a shift on the mattress, and the hands pulling him forward an inch. He had no time to think about what was happening before Kevin's lips were on his left cheek, right under his eye, giving him the softest kiss.

It was over in a blink, and Kevin moved away again. For a second, Aaron wondered if he would go for the right side too, but the black eye was probably too big to kiss his cheek without it hurting.

Not that that made this whole thing any more logical. His eyes opened, and he stared at Kevin, who was staring back as if he hadn’t been the one who had just done that. Aaron held his breath, unsure of what else to do, while Kevin's mouth worked uselessly, no words managing to come out.

Finally, Kevin swallowed thickly and whispered so softly it could barely be heard.

“I'm so sorry. I don’t know- I didn’t – Sorry.”

Neither moved for a few seconds, and Aaron was almost sure Kevin would make a run for it. But he stayed, staring right back at Aaron, looking terrified. And Aaron did not have the energy to actually think about the implications of this, of the consequences that his answer would have.

“Don’t be sorry. Thank you.”

He did have enough sense to be embarrassed now, although he wasn’t sure if it was because of the kiss itself or the fact that he had thanked Kevin for it.

“I shouldn’t have. Not without asking.”

“Then just ask next time.”

Kevin blinked once, his already burning blush deepening, and he nodded softly. That was good enough for Aaron, who really couldn’t do this right now, whatever it was. Purely to hide away from Kevin's eyes, he pulled him closer and tucked his head under Kevin's chin, wrapping an arm around him.

At least now he didn't feel so on display. But he was also a far cry from the sleep and calmness his body needed. His heart was beating fast, and he could not deal with this right now. Kevin was just being nice for fucks sake. But even he would know that this was sending some signals that went far beyond friendship, right? Well, maybe not far beyond that, but it was certainly unusual for Kevin to do this.

And anyway, he really, really could not do this right now. Kevin was nice and a good friend, but if Aaron ever dared to overstep that line, he was sure Andrew wouldn’t be happy. After all, Andrew had vowed to protect Kevin and would absolutely not approve of whatever this was, if it even was anything.

Actually, was he making all of this worse right now?

Fuck, he really was hopeless, wasn't he?

*

Things were definitely more awkward after that, unsurprisingly. On the way to morning practice the next day, he and Kevin barely managed to look each other in the eye. And at this point, Aaron didn’t even know what he should be worrying about at any given moment.

Don’t look at Kevin. Act normal for Nicky. Be so perfect for Andrew that he won't have a reason to get mad at you. And do not argue with Neil. No matter how much he tries to goad you into it.

And Neil was really trying, constantly throwing little jabs at Aaron that he would normally have no problem rebutting immediately. But now, he did not know how to act when it happened. Laughing it off seemed weird, but he would never say anything even remotely mean to Neil. It almost seemed like he was testing him, trying to see when Aaron would slip up and make a mistake, so he could go get Andrew. Or maybe Neil would just take a swing himself, after all, Aaron wouldn’t try to defend him if he did.

He wasn’t sure, but either way, he was miserable and scared. Of Neil and Andrew, and the fear of waiting for the next punch to come. He almost wished they would get it over with; the suspense and anxiety of waiting for it were killing him.

*

POV Andrew

*

It wasn’t any better. Of course, it hasn’t gotten better. He was an idiot for thinking the therapy session did anything. He could tell that Neil was laying it on thick today, trying to lure Aaron out of his shell, trying to get him to engage in some friendly banter, as he called it. But nothing worked, and Aaron seemed less annoyed and more uncomfortable each time Neil tried it.

At some point during practice, Andrew had caught Neil's eye and shook his head, signalling that it was not working and he should stop trying. He did, at least for the remainder of practice.

It all came to a head when they got back to the dorm and walked into the kitchen in Aaron's dorm to get some snacks, only to find Kevin and Aaron eating ice cream. Well, Aaron was just unwrapping his, and Kevin was at the table, looking at his phone, both of them weirdly not talking to each other.

Just like it was usual for these past few days, Aaron stiffened when he saw them enter, keeping a watchful eye on Neil as he approached the freezer and rummaged around in it.

“Aw, man.” Neil pulled out one ice cream and handed it to Andrew before huffing and slamming it shut again, making Aaron flinch. Seems like there had only been one left by now. Purely to be an ass, Neil snatched Aaron's ice cream out of his hand and threatened to lick it. This would be the perfect moment for Aaron to rightfully call him an asshole and snatch it back, but he didn’t. Instead, he let Neil keep it and looked at him with wide eyes.

“Sorry, I should have asked if you wanted it. You can have it. I actually should go.”

Neil paused in confusion, but before he could say anything, Aaron tried to scurry out of the room. Blocking his path, Andrew glared at him, trying to stay calm.

“What are you doing? “

His voice was neutral, all things considered. It had taken a good deal of effort to hide his annoyance and agitation.

And yet, Aaron looked at him with big eyes, as if he were caught in a trap with no way out. Despite being twins, Aaron looked so small and so young in this moment that it took Andrew aback. He couldn’t think of anything more to say for a moment, and Aaron took his lapse as the opportunity to apologise again.

“I'm sorry.”

“Don’t apologise constantly.”

“Right, sor-“

“Stop it!”

Aaron's mouth closed, but his eyes didn't stop their wide eyes staring. He was shaking by now and seemed to be bracing himself for something. Andrew could only assume that he was scared of being hurt again.

“Aaron, seriously, I’m not going to hurt you. Stop acting like this.”

Aaron nodded, still not saying anything. One look around the room told him that both Neil and Kevin were watching their interaction with bated breath. It felt like they were just waiting for the fight to escalate. Andrew sighed; he did not want to put on a show for everyone watching.

“Just get out of here.” Dejected, he stepped aside to let Aaron hurry past him. He had had enough, turning and leaving the dorm. He couldnt handle this right niw. He beeded a smoke, so he made his way up to the roof, where he took out a cigarette.

By the time it was lit, the door to the roof opened, and he knew the steps well enough to recognise that it was Neil before he even reached him.

“Hey.”

“Mh.”

They sat in silence next to each other for a good while, just watching the road from their high vantage point. When he had finally sorted his thoughts properly, Andrew spoke again.

“I don't understand it. What does he want me to do?” His first cigarette was finished, and he flicked the end to the pavement below before immediately shaking another one from the box. Fuck his lungs today; he just needed his brain to be calmer. Neil took quite a while to respond, so he was probably as unsure as Andrew about how to solve this situation.

“I think he himself doesn't really know. He's not exactly trying to fix things, is he?”

Neil sounded more frustrated, a nice contrast to Andrew’s resignation. It was clear that Neil wasn’t done trying to try and fix things, and Andrew honestly wasn’t either, but he wasn’t sure what else he could do. He sighed loudly before taking another drag.

This was so fucked. How could one little mistake torpedo his relationship with his brother like this? He was at his wits' end.

“Nope, we have to do something.” Before he had finished his sentence, Neil was up again, walking back towards the door with determination. Andrew's gaze trailed after him.

“Don’t do anything stupid.”

“I won’t.”

*

POV Aaron

*

Kevin found him in his room a bit later. It was obvious that he had waited a bit to give Aaron some time, but couldn’t help himself and had to check on him now. He still hadn't told him anything that was going on, but Kevin could probably piece together that it was an issue between him and his brother.

They stared at each other for a few seconds, and just as Kevin opened his mouth, the door burst open, revealing a furious Neil, pointing at Aaron.

“You!”

Aaron's entire body entered flight mode at that tone, and the blue eyes glaring at him. He took a shaky step backwards while Neil came closer, completely ignoring Kevin.

“What the hell is your problem?”

“I-I don't-“

“Shut up. I don't need to hear your explanation. You need to knock it off. I know mommy dearest did a number on you, but Andrew is not her! He has been miserable because of you.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Sorry won't solve this; you need to talk to him! Or better yet, stop acting like...like...a scared and abused little child.”

Neil sounded frustrated and desperate as he helplessly gestured towards Aaron.

But I am a scared and abused child. I'm even little.

One of Neil's hands shot out and grabbed hold of Aaron's wrist, who weakly tried to yank it away. He would never let Neil touch him like this under normal circumstances, but right now, he felt too frozen in fear to do much of anything.

“Look, that,” shaking Aaron's wrist around as if to prove a point, Neil continued glaring at him, “is exactly what I mean. Stop fawning constantly!”

He threw up the hand that wasn’t holding Aaron, a clearly exasperated gesture. But Aaron flinched at it nonetheless, squeezing his eyes shut and bracing for a blow that never came. It didn’t matter; Aaron was shaking all the same. He tried to talk to Neil, but all that came out was a wobbly and weak excuse.

“I'm trying so hard. I'm sorry it’s not working. I don’t know…”

“Well, try something else. Because the way you're acting is only making it worse.”

Annoyed, Neil shoved Aaron's arm back at him before letting go. At this movement, Aaron barely managed to disguise his panicked yelp, which finally set Kevin into motion.

“Right. That's it. Get out, Neil.” He stepped between Neil and Aaron, pushing at Neil's chest, who wasn’t happy about it at all.

“What the hell, Kevin? This has nothing to do with you.”

Neil tried shoving past Kevin to get to Aaron, who was still frozen in place, trying his best not to hyperventilate. But Kevin stood firm.

“Can’t you see that you’re scaring the shit out of him?”

“Of course I can see it, everyone can. Especially Andrew. He doesn’t know what else Aaron wants from him to stop acting like this.”

“Well, this is definitely not helping! Leave him alone!”

Kevin was getting mad now, practically shouting at Neil. Unbeknownst to him, it just made Aaron’s skin crawl more, although logically he knew that Kevin was on his side for this. But people raising their voices just always made alarm bells ring in his head.

“But if they just-“

“Get out, Neil. Now.”

Kevin's voice had a finality that not even Neil could ignore. He made a noise of frustration, but still turned and walked out, stopping in the doorway for just a second to look over his shoulder. “Keep stressing Andrew out, see where that gets you.” After that ominous message, he slammed the door shut with such force that it made Aaron yelp.

What did Neil say just now?

See where that gets you?

What was that supposed to mean?

He wasn’t entirely sure, but it couldn’t be anything good. Oh God, what the fuck did he mean? Everything Aaron did just seemed to make it worse and worse, and it made Andrew more and more unhappy. He couldn't even imagine what would happen the next time Andrew got him by himself. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up at the thought that he would need to watch his back at all times now, making sure there were always other people around.

And even worse was the knowledge that he couldn't tell anyone about this. He needed to endure it. He loved Andrew too much despite it all and would not risk losing him.

His brain might know that, but his body didn’t seem to have gotten the memo. The room felt awfully hot all of a sudden, and he was being wracked by full-body shivers despite this. He couldn’t tell anyone about Andrew, but he remembered what he had promised Kevin.

“Kevin.”

Warm hands grabbed his cold ones, and green eyes appeared in his field of vision.

“Yes?”

“I’m going to have a panic attack.”

“Oh. Oh! Okay, okay, let's sit down.”

Kevin sounded more panicked than Aaron, which he would definitely make fun of him for in any other circumstance.

For now, he just followed his lead and sat beside him on the bed while gasping for breath. A few minutes later, Aaron was curled up on the bed, held tightly by Kevin, who was trying to talk him through the simple act of breathing.

Normally, he should be getting better by now, but there were no signs of stopping yet. The shaking had yet to slow down, and his entire body was tense. His thoughts were jumbled, and his breaths were coming in short and shallow gasps.

And he was so, so tired.

So tired in fact, that he didn't care anymore. He just wanted to tell someone, have someone who knew.

So, when he had calmed down a bit more, enough to actually form sentences, he looked up at Kevin. Kevin, who was looking at him as if he was scared Aaron would shatter into a thousand pieces if he so much as moved wrong. And he knew he couldn't lie to him any longer.

Kevin almost seemed to sense that, since he chose that moment to ask again.

“Just tell me what's going on, Aaron.”

He could tell him, he trusted him to understand. After all, didn’t Kevin also know perfectly well what it was like to grin and bear it? To love someone who was hurting him? To keep going despite everything and just let it happen. For the most part, at least.

“It's- It’s Andrew. He hit me.”

There was a long pause as Kevin let those words sink in.

“Wait. Our Andrew?”

He nodded slowly and watched as Kevin's eyebrows shot up even more.

“What...” he stared, completely baffled. “...but, he wouldn't- Why?”

He gave a half-hearted shrug before trying to piece the story together again.

“I was fighting with Neil. I didn't think it was anything serious, just like always.” His hands grabbed the covers tightly. “And Andrew, he told us to stop. I wasn't paying much attention to him, and suddenly, I was on the floor, and it hurt and now-”

He gestured to his black eye, not able to say it out loud.

Kevin's jaw tensed and his brows furrowed, anger visible. For a short, terrified second, Aaron thought that this anger was directed at him before his brain snapped out of panic mode.

“What the fuck.”

Kevin stood up suddenly, looking furious.

“Why the fuck would he do that?! I know Neil is like his boyfriend or whatever, but that doesn’t give him the right to- No, I'm going over there!”

What? Aaron instantly broke out in a cold sweat, jumping up and grabbing Kevin by the arm. Fuck, this could not be happening.

“Kevin! Don't! You can't! He's gonna-”

“What? No, we're not protecting him! He has to explain why the fuck he did that, and then he’ll have to grovel for forgiveness.”

Aaron was trying to pull Kevin back, who was pulling in the opposite direction.

“Kev-“

“No. Sorry, Aaron, I know you would like to sweep this under the rug, but I can't. I did that too much already. My entire life up until I was in Palmetto, actually. Andrew and his fucking moral code, it doesn't give him the right to just punch and choke whoever he wants.”

Why the fuck did Kevin have to develop a backbone now?

“You can't-“

“Oh, but I can! And I will.”

With that, Kevin shrugged him off again and stormed out, practically blinded by rage, leaving a terrified Aaron behind.

*

POV Andrew

*

The door flew open, revealing a furious Kevin, rushing over to Andrew and shoving him onto his bed. It was so unexpected that Andrew had no time to react, simply landing on his mattress. Neil was up from his chair in seconds and putting himself between Kevin and Andrew.

“What the fuck are you doing now, Kev-“

“You hit Aaron?!”

Immediately, anger and defensiveness bubbled up in Andrew at the accusation.

“It wasn’t on purpose. I-“

“What the fuck do you mean, not on purpose? Do you think that makes any of this better? You fucking punched him for fighting with Neil! What is wrong with you? Why-“

“What the fuck are you talking about? I didn’t punch him. I accidentally elbowed him in the face, trying to wrangle him and Neil apart. Don’t just make up some bullshit.”

Kevin didn’t respond to that, just staring blankly at Andrew. “Wait, what?”

Kevin looked so genuinely shocked by that revelation, and Neil and Andrew looked at each other for a second before turning back to him, now equally as confused

“Yeah, we were too close to the road. Andrew went between us, so we would stop, and his elbow kind of slammed into Aaron's face accidentally.

Kevin gaped at them for another second. “So you didn’t punch him?”

“No, Kevin, I didn’t punch Aaron. Obviously. I would never fucking hit him.

“Oh my god.” Kevin took a step back, looking between Neil and Andrew. “You need to talk to him.”

“I tried that. He knows it was an accident, but it doesn’t seem to change anything for him.”

“No, you don’t understand. He didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know what?”

“That it was your elbow. He- he just felt pain in his eye suddenly. He thought…Andrew, he thought that you lost your temper and punched him for arguing with Neil.”

What.

Andrew's brain short-circuited for a second before immediately replaying every interaction with Aaron since it happened. The disbelief and fear on his face right after. The way he had mumbled an apology and ran.

How he couldn’t look at Andrew, would be meek when talking to Neil. He walked on eggshells whenever either one of them was near. His hands were shaking when he handed him his coffee. As if he was half expecting Andrew to snap again.

Oh god.

Of course, he didn’t care that Andrew said it hadn’t been on purpose. That actually made it worse. It made him more similar to…

Oh my god.

Andrew pushed Kevin out of the way and made his way towards Aaron's dorm.

Fuck, Aaron had spent the past days thinking he was no better than their mother. That Andrew was just another person who would hurt him if he thought he deserved it.

That Andrew would punch him for fighting with Neil, and tell him it wasn’t on purpose, he hadn't meant to do it, it had just happened, and Aaron should suck it up.

He pushed open the door to the dorm, running to the bedroom.

Empty.

Of course, Aaron would run the moment Kevin stormed out.

“Fuck.”

Kevin and Neil appeared behind him, and Kevin took another step into the room, looking around.

“He- he begged me not to go, but I just couldn’t help myself. He looked so- “

Broken? Desperate? Scared?

Whatever Kevin had wanted to say died on his tongue. It didn’t matter anyway. The only thing that mattered right now was Aaron.

“Fuck!”

Where would he even go?

Andrew turned on his heel, running out of the dorm and flying down the stairs, slamming the entrance door open. He couldn’t have gotten far. He was scared, panicked, and Andrew knew that Aaron wasn’t big on the flight response. Depending on the situation, Aaron would fight, sometimes fawn, but most often, if he could, he would hide.

He wouldn’t run far, just enough to hide somewhere.

His first thought was the library. Aaron went there so often, it would be a familiar and safe place to hide. In his state of mind, he most likely wouldn’t even consider that it was one of the first places Andrew would look.

He was there in no time; the library was almost entirely empty, save for the odd student reading at one of the tables. Andrew ran up the stairs to the second floor and went as far in as he could go. He slowed once he reached the furthest part of the library, glancing around corners, between the shelves.

He almost missed Aaron. Curled under a small table tucked away in a corner. Knees drawn up, face in between them and his hands wrapped around himself. His shoulders were shaking.

Andrew slowly walked closer, noting Aaron's dirty socks. He hadn’t even bothered to put on shoes before he ran.

Fuck.

He let himself drop to his knees a bit too hard, and the sound he made prompted Aaron to stiffen and slowly lift his head.

God, he looked awful.

Eyes shiny with tears and his face covered in tears and snot, and pure fear, the moment he saw Andrew. He quickly tried to scoot backwards, but his head just hit the wall, making him wince.

“Calm down. Calm the fuck down, idiot.”

He had just wanted Aaron to stop moving so frantically, crawling after him under the table. Aaron squeezed his eyes shut and turned his head to the side, mumbling into his arms.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I shouldn’t have- shouldn’t have told Kevin. I'm sorry.”

That made Andrew stop mid-movement.

“Aaron-“

“I’m sorry. I'll do better, like with Bee. I can do it, I’ll tell him I lied!”

“What?”

Aaron was shaking again, mumbling apology after apology. In a desperate move, Andrew grabbed his neck firmly, trying to ground him. Instead, Aaron practically jumped at the touch, trying to twist out of it.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Don’t- pl- don’t…”

Andrew instantly let go again as if he had been burned.

He was at his wits' end. The only thing left to do was to just sit there and wait until Aaron calmed down by himself. So he just sat, silently, unmoving, watching Aaron, his heart broken.

Once Aaron was breathing more normally and nervously eyeing Andrew, he spoke as softly as he could.

“Aaron. I didn’t hit you.“

Aaron blinked in confusion, before looking down again, his face so, so sad, and his voice small.

“Yeah, okay, you didn’t. We're fine-“

“No!” He hadn’t meant to scare Aaron again, but he couldn’t stand that he thought Andrew was just trying to get him to lie to everyone that nothing happened. And that Aaron would just accept that so easily and play along.

“I really didn’t. I wasn’t aware that you thought I did. My elbow accidentally hit you.”

Aaron stared at him in disbelief, blinking slowly, and Andrew kept going, elaborating.

“I was just trying to pry you two apart. You were getting too close to the road. I miscalculated where my arm was.”

Aaron just kept staring.

He doesn’t believe me

How could he make him understand that it was the truth?

“Haven’t you wondered why I was standing turned away from you when I supposedly just punched you?”

There was a note of desperation in his voice that he hated. But he really had nothing else left that he could try and use to convince Aaron.

For a few tense seconds, Aaron seemed to be lost in thought, probably trying to see if he could remember what Andrew had just said. Then he suddenly looked up, holding intense eye contact, while Andrew tried to look as distraught as he felt. It was awful to be this open about his feelings, but he needed Aaron to understand that he was serious and that he would never do this to him.

Aaron's eyes widened. Finally.

“Oh...my god. You didn’t-“

He cut himself off with a sob of relief. His face vanished in his hands again as he started rambling.

“You didn’t! I knew you wouldn’t. I knew it! Oh my god!”

It broke Andrew’s heart all over again, and he moved a bit closer, now that it wasn’t scaring Aaron. He felt so stupid.

“I'm sorry I didn’t force you to properly talk it out. I thought it was just your reaction to me accidentally hurting you, and you would get over it. I thought- after Bee…”

Aaron gasped at the memory. A hand reached out, and Andrew took it, squeezing softly.

“Oh my god, Andrew. I thought- I was so confused when we were there. I thought you were like, testing me or something, daring me to try and tell her. I- I was so scared of doing the wrong thing.”

“I would never do that to you.”

“I know! I thought I'd just pretend nothing happened, and you suddenly started talking about it. I thought Neil was testing me, too, every time he said something. I really thought… God, I'm so sorry for thinking you were capable of….”

“It's okay. How could you not? How should you have known?”

*

POV Aaron

*

He was so relieved, he felt like crying. Which he ended up doing, a lot. Still sitting under the table, holding Andrew's hands, he let it all out. Days of anxiety and sadness finally managed to escape as he slowly pieced his shattered world back together.

Andrew hadn't punched him out of anger.

A misplaced elbow, what were the chances?

Andrew hadn’t turned into his mom. He was still just Andrew.

*

Before they could make their way back together he had to fight Andrew to keep his shoes on, since he insisted on giving them to Aaron. But he had run here without them, so he could walk back in socks just fine. When they were about halfway there, Kevin ran up to them.

“Oh my god, Aaron.”

He gave him an awkward wave as Kevin slowed to a stop in front of them.

“Hey, Kevin.”

With a slight frown, Kevin looked between them, probably trying to figure out where everyone was at by now. Andrew’s voice was serious and firm when he addressed him.

“Kevin.”

“Um, yeah?”

“If I ever lay a hand on Aaron, don't even confront me about it, just beat the shit out of me.”

Kevin looked taken aback, but slowly nodded, while looking at Aaron, who tried his best not to laugh at that bold statement. But secretly, he was immensely pleased that Andrew would never let anyone treat Aaron like that, not even himself.

He was so relieved, in fact, that he fell asleep in no time that evening. And he had been sleep deprived enough, from those few days alone, that he not only overslept his alarm but also didn't dream about anything. After spending an entire day relatively well rested, he could confirm that getting a good night's rest was really fucking important, and he should really try to do it more.

But maybe it didn't even have anything to do with the fact that he had slept well that night, and instead it was just because of the fact that he wasn't in constant fight or flight mode any more. After one of the most relaxing and calm days that he had ever experienced, Aaron was playing some game on the couch when Kevin joined him.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

They stared at each other for a bit, the atmosphere turning weirdly uncomfortable. Despite everything Aaron wanted to say, he opted for the most important thing.

“Um, thank you. Seriously.”

Weirdly enough, Kevin looked confused, as if he couldn’t think of anything Aaron could be grateful for. Sensing that he was lost, Aaron continued.

“For...helping me. In multiple ways, I guess.”

“Oh, no problem. I wasn’t- It was a bit stupid of me to run to him- Sorry about that.”

“Don’t apologise while I'm thanking you! You confronting him is the only reason we cleared all of this up in the first place.”

“I guess so.” Kevin shot him a sheepish smile while he let himself fall on the couch next to him. And Aaron desperately wanted to say something else, but just couldn’t get the words out properly.

“I would sing for you too, you know.” Cringing at his own words, he could feel himself flush when Kevin looked up in confusion. The embarrassment got slightly more bearable when a smile spread over Kevin's face.

“Really?”

“I mean, I'm not all that good but ...for you I would, yeah.”

Kevin's face was unreadable as he stared, before clearing his throat and finally answering.

“Then I guess next time I'm feeling…like I need it, I'll call for you.”

“Do that. It’s the least I could do for you after everything you did for me.”

“I don’t need to be repaid for that! I wanted to do it!” The way in which Kevin sounded so honestly offended made something in Aaron crack. Fuck the possible consequences, he needed to say it.

He wasn't blind to Kevin's good looks, obviously. And they had been getting pretty friendly with each other before all of this went down.

But what had, in the end, sealed the deal for him was how much Kevin seemed to care for him. Willing to do just about anything to make him feel better. They were just friends and yet Kevin was walking with him when he didn't need to, and waiting for hours until Aaron was done freaking out.

He held him, spilled his own embarassing secrets to him, and even kissed him just to get him to calm down. Kevin himself had suffered years of abuse, and yet he got mad on Aaron's behalf, trying to help him in any way he could.

“But I want to repay you. Or I guess not repay, but like…also be there for you. It’s- I’m-“ He took a deep breath to collect himself. Get it together.

“I was so glad you were there. I want you to be with me more. And-and I want to be there for you, too.”

“Oh, that’s… Thank you, I'm glad you're with me too.”

“No, Kevin. I'm really glad you are here, and I would really like for you to be here even more.”

“You mean… like this?” Kevin helplessly gestured between them before continuing. “Or like Andrew and Neil?”

“Ew, not like them. I'd like it to be less cryptic. You went to stand up to him for me; the least you deserve is the title of boyfriend.” He flushed after those words left his mouth, and quickly added on,” or I guess dating first! You know, whichever you prefer.”

He turned away, trying to hide his embarrassment, when Kevin’s hand caught his arm.

“Um, boyfriend is fine. I'd like that.”

His voice sounded so soft that Aaron turned and gave Kevin a long, hard look.

“Okay.”

It was that easy, huh?

Before he could think of anything else, he pulled Kevin down into a kiss, this time a real one instead of on his cheek. And although making out with Kevin was amazing, one thing was still nagging at Aaron.

I need to tell Andrew.

He was not sneaking around any more. From now on, he would always put all his cards on the table for Andrew, so there would never, ever be another misunderstanding like that.

Kevin seemed less than excited about it, but seeing how important it was for Aaron, he begrudgingly followed him to Andrew's dorm.

Both Neil and Nicky were also lounging around on the couch, and all of them looked up when they walked in.

“Andrew.”

His brother cocked his head to the side, trying to seem uninterested, but obviously curious.

Just get it over with.

“Kevin and I are- uh, dating now. Just thought you should know.”

Pretty smooth all things considered.

Both Nicky's' and Neil's' jaws practically hit the floor, and even Andrew's eyebrows rose up. He glanced from Aaron to Kevin a few times, clearly working through something. Aaron thought he saw a mixture of confusion, shock and horror cross his face, before it settled into neutral again. He held his breath, ready for some reaction or threat to come. And he could tell that everyone else in the room was doing the same.

Andrew took one deep, measured breath before locking eyes with Aaron again. “I think you could do better. But good for you, I guess.”

Huh.

And while Kevin bristled beside him, clearly offended, and Nicky and Neil both began yelling something about how they couldn’t believe it, Aaron held Andrew's eyes. And he knew that Andrew was genuinely happy for him. And appreciated his honesty.

Yeah, he was done trying to keep anything from Andrew. He would always, always talk things out with him from now on.