Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Kazuha... I'm pregnant." Heizou announced, standing in the doorway of their shared bedroom.

"No, you're not," Kazuha demanded, staring at him deadpan. Heizou frowned at his boyfriend and padded over to the bed, where Kazuha was sitting, drawing something on an iPad.

"Kazuha."

"No."

"Kazuha, I know it's sudden—" Kazuha stared at Heizou with a look of pure disgust. "But I think we can get through this..." Heizou put his hand on Kazuha's. "Together." Kazuha pulled his hand away and wiped it on the blanket, grossed out.

"Heizou, you're not pregnant." He insisted, shaking his head and returning his attention to the drawing on his iPad. Heizou whined and wrapped himself around Kazuha.

"Why are you so mean to me?"

"I'm not. I simply don't believe you're pregnant." He pinched the bridge of his nose between his pointer finger and his thumb.

"Why not?"

"Heizou, you're a man."

...

There was silence between the two of them for a long time. When the silence became too much, Heizou groaned and pushed himself off of Kazuha.

"Fine!! Be that way. You're so toxic..." Kazuha stared after him as he walked out of the bedroom. Kazuha sighed and went back to drawing.

A few hours later [fucking AWFUL transition scene 🔥🔥🔥] Kazuha was making dinner, humming to himself, completely forgetting Heizou's "I'm pregnant" statement from earlier. Just as he was finishing up, he turned around to see Heizou standing directly behind him. He stared.

"Kazuha, my water fucking broke." Kazuha stared.

"No the fuck it didn't?? You just pissed on the floor."

"KAZUHA I need you to take me to the hospital."

"..."

"..."

"Heizou all we can afford is Tighnari."

"...Kazuha I need you to take me to Tighnari."

*Heizou bursts through the door of Tighnari's house* "TIGHNARI WE NEED AN ABORTION" Tighnari turns around from whatever it is he's doing at his desk.

"What?? Kazuha is pregnant???"

"No, Heizou is pregnant." Kazuha said, tears streaming down his face because he genuinely cannot comprehend how the fuck his boyfriend is NOW COMPLETELY 9 MONTHS PREGNANT. "We need an abortion."

"WAIT!!" Heizou yells, also now crying. Tighnari and Kazuha both turn to him, visibly startled.

"...I wanna keep the baby."

"YOU JUST SAID--"

"Alright, then. When do we want to have this baby?" Tighnari asks, as a random clipboard is spawned out of Gods know where, and he's writing something?? Man I don't fucking know.

"Right now?? What the fuck kind of question is that??" Kazuha asked, confused.

"Okay, jeez, I didn't know goddamn!!" Tighnari defends himself, rolling his eyes.

I don't know how to write a birth scene uhhh fuckinggg uhhhhh

"I see a head type shit!!" Tighnari exclaims, while Kazuha stands next to his boyfriend, holding his hand though clearly disgusted and slightly petrified. "Kazuha what the fuck kind of magical powers do you have this man just gave birth to a maple leaf."

"TIGHNARI YOU SON OF A BITCH I WANTED TO HAVE A GENDER REVEAL PARTY!!" Heizou cried out, pulling a GUN OUT OF HIS POCKET--

"Heizou the fucking thing has been born already you can't have a gender reveal party after the child is born." Kazuha reminded him.

"Fuck you yes you can I can just whip it out and everyone will be like "WOAAHH ITS A GENDER" BUT NO YOU HAAADDD TO TELL US, TIGHNARI." Heizou whipped his head around to look at Tighnari, who was staring at him with a mighty rage.

"Bitch." A pause. "Anyway, what are you going to name it?" He asked, his tail wagging softly. There was a long, silent pause while Heizou contemplated before smiling.

"Bingus." Kazuha stared at him.

"Bingus. Did you seriously just name our child Bingus." He demanded, looking like he was about to cry again.

"Yes, Kazuha. Not EVERYTHING is about you all the time." Heizou said, scoffing." Tighnari looked at each of them as they spoke. Kazuha buried his face in his hands.

"I'm going back to Liyue fuck this shit."

"YOU'RE LEAVING ME HERE WITH THE BABY??? ALONE??????"

"YES HEIZOU IT'S A FUCKING MAPLE LEAF YOU SHOVED UP YOUR ASS AND NAMED BINGUS IM GOING BACK TO LIYUE."

"YOU WON'T EVEN GET TO HEAR ITS FIRST WORD!!!"

"I DON'T WANT TO." Tighnari started slowly backing away before he disappeared into the darkness.

"It's okay Bingus daddy loves you..." Heizou whispered, a tear rolling down his cheek. "Daddy loves you.... Kazuha's a bitch.... Your daddy loves you..."