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Penelope Featherington had never been that good at giving up on people.
Not when they disappointed or crossed her. Not when they forgot to ask how her day was going. How her life was going. Not even when they made her feel like she was slightly crazy for wanting something as simple as being listened to. Maybe she wanted to believe in the goodness of people.
She believed in trying harder. Harder to understand, to forgive, to make things work. But lately, “trying” felt like slowly dying inside; like something wanted to swallow her whole.
She had been dating Alfred Debling for a few months. He was the safe option. He was kind towards people, easy, oh so easy. She still loved Colin, and would always love him till the day she died. But he could never love her. She knew it. She heard him say it. Eventually, he would find some gorgeous blonde, thin woman with pearly white teeth, who would give him that happily ever after. Alfie had been in the Netherlands for nearly five months. Meaning – she hadn't had sex in over five months. Not that she missed it. How can you miss it when both of you cannot even achieve orgasms? Well… their calls were sporadic, but they tried to make things work, to call whenever that one person had some free time. But every time they talked over the phone, they did not have anything to talk about. Only plain, boring stuff – how was your day? Good? Ok. Mine too… Did some stuff – boring, boring, boring. She wanted to get close to him, to get to know him more. To know him just as much as she knew Colin. With Colin, she could talk to him for hours, and conversations were never stale. Never felt that distance that she was feeling right now with Alfie – her own boyfriend.
She used to think that long–distance made love grow deeper, and your heart fonder. That sex might be even better. Fucking like rabbits even. But lately, all it did was stretch it thin.
And then it happened… the thing she didn’t want to name. Wanted to lobotomise herself just to forget about it. When she did not have enough money to live alone, she rented with random people. That night she found one of them in her bedroom. Plus weird white stains in her bedsheets. She moved out immediately. Started two jobs, and lived with Eloise and Philip for a while before moving out to her own apartment. But she was paranoid. Paranoid of the silence. Paranoid that someone could break in and do something to her.
For two days, she couldn’t sleep properly. Her phone sat face-down beside her bed. She tried listening to Brat on full volume, and watching TV shows on Netflix to fill that silence. But it didn't help. She wanted to talk to someone. Her fingers just moved.
“Pen?” she heard Alfie’s sleepy voice.
Her throat closed. “Hi! I… How are you, Alfie?”
“I’m good, Pen.” he answered, distant.
“I…I wanted to talk to you. I feel actually scared, being here alone. Well, you know what happened that day. Would you like to face time maybe? Watch something together?”
There was a pause, the sound of him exhaling. “It’s pretty sad you’re calling me now. We haven’t talked for so long. You’re always busy. Always doing something.”
It was like being slapped through a phone.
“Alfie…Excuse me? I…I poured my heart here, telling you something I haven't told anyone. It’s like you’re not even here for me.”
He sighed. “Pen, I’ve always been there for you. Always. You have my support, you've always had it. If it weren’t like that, then I believe you could’ve seen it. I’m sorry you felt like that. But lately I don't have anyone. I’m all alone. Life is living hell, and every day I keep fighting to survive. And every survival feels like success. When I told you that, it did not mean you do not have my support. It means you have it, but I need it even more.”
“I’m not saying you’re not struggling, Alfie”, Pen said softly. “I just needed support from my boyfriend. Tonight.”
“I am your safe person, Pen. But if you need it, you can have some space from me, but just tell me.” He said it like it was a fact.
But he wasn’t.
She couldn’t trust him.
Because when she hung up, she felt smaller than before. Silence was so loud.
The next morning, she found herself walking without knowing where. It started to rain, but she didn’t have her umbrella with herself. She ended up on a doorstep she knew by heart, even though she hadn’t planned to.
“Pen?” Colin opened the door wearing a grey henley t-shirt and sweatpants. He looked at her and frowned, “What happened?”
The words tumbled out before she could stop them. She told him everything as he invited her inside. She told him all her struggles as he made her fresh tea, she told him she didn’t feel support from her boyfriend as he led her to the couch and enveloped her in a hug. She told him enough to see his face change, for something dark and protective to flash in his eyes.
“I’m gonna kill him. What a bloody idiot.”
She smiled faintly. “He said life is hard, and he’s struggling. And I get that. I really do. But…when I felt in danger, I didn’t think it was my job to think about his needs then.
Colin was quiet for a long moment, and then said “Break up with him.”
She blinked. “Colin…”
“Break up with him,” he said again, softly. “You deserve someone to feel understood. Someone to feel safe with. Someone who doesn’t make you feel like your feelings aren’t valid. Someone who doesn't make you feel like you’re asking for too much just for wanting to be heard, seen, held…loved.”
Her throat went tight. “And who would that be exactly?”
He looked at her as if she hung up the moon and the stars. “Me,” he said simply.
For a moment, she forgot how to breathe.
She could hear her own heartbeat, as if her heart wanted to run away from her chest. “Colin…”
He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, his voice certain, “You’ve been giving yourself away in pieces for someone who doesn't see you and know what to do with something precious. I’m not perfect, but I want to be here for you. To love you loudly. Because I do, Pen. I love you with everything I was, everything I am, and everything I will be. I know this may feel sudden,” he laughed, “but my love for you wasn’t a thunderbolt from the sky. It was gentle, as though if I blinked it would be gone. And thank God I didn’t blink. I love you. And I will make sure you never feel alone again.”
“Alfie wouldn’t like that conversation” she murmured.
Colin smiled, “Screw Alfie.”
Later that night, she broke up with Alfie. The break up was civil. He sounded tired. But again, he always was. His tiredness was draining. When she hung up, she went to Colin and hugged him. “I love you, Col.”
“I know.”