Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Well, shit.

That was Kaeya’s last coherent thought before he unceremoniously passed out.

Earlier that day, he and Diluc had been arguing about going to explore a shady domain they had found together. It was just a domain from the outside but Diluc swore it looked a little too suspicious - whatever that meant.

Now, he really regretted rolling his eyes at Diluc’s concern.

Going headfirst into a domain often had its perks - sometimes good, sometimes… spectacularly bad. Turns out this one was spectacularly bad, as it was infested with more Ruin Guards than he’d ever fought in his life. Big mistake. Huge.

So here they were, absolutely exhausted, in pain, injured and worst of all, sweaty while trying to make it out of there alive. He knew he would get chewed out by Diluc later on because of this.

Not like he didn’t enjoy the usual bickering, on the contrary, he very much enjoyed that.

After what felt like two entire life-times, it seemed as if every machine had been put down as everything got quiet for a moment. Perhaps now they could reap their rewards?

Perhaps not, as in the blink of an eye, another one surged behind them, sending Kaeya flying off to a far wall and slamming his whole body to it.

He came in and out of consciousness as he could somewhat see Diluc ending the thing in one fatal blow before dropping his claymore and running to him.

Is this how I go? Flattened by a Ruin Guard after ignoring Diluc's warnings? Very on-brand. At least it’s dramatic enough.

His ears were ringing and he could feel himself slipping away slowly. All he could really see was Diluc hovering over him, face full of panic and concern. How adorable, Kaeya thought to himself with a weak smile. Diluc’s hands were shaking as he verified the injuries, muttering rather strong worded curses under his breath.

For such a refined man, it was rare to see Diluc look so out of his own cool.

And curse as much as he currently was. Kaeya could barely hear but he could still make out the sound of Diluc cursing at the guards, at the wounds, at time, at Kaeya, then at himself and whatever other thing was near them.

It stung quite badly, not sure what as everything of him was in pain at that particular moment.

Kaeya felt somewhat sad thinking to himself;

So this is it then? I don’t think I ever got to do and say the things I’ve always dreamed of. Did I achieve anything at all?

If he lived to see another day, which Kaeya silently prayed for, he would make sure not to deprive himself from living exactly as he saw fit. To say all the things he longed to say, to do the things that felt right at any given time.

His eyes closed at the oath he had made in silence to himself.

“Ow! Master Diluc, please, not so hard” Kaeya whined, almost moaning, loud enough for anyone in the Winery’s perimeter to hear. “Do you actually want me to go limp this fast?”

Diluc froze, hands still holding the bandages he had been trying to put on Kaeya for the past ten minutes.

As a reply, Diluc only tightened the bandages he was wrapping Kaeya’s chest even harder, almost pulling them with a silent rage as clearly, Kaeya’s antics had been going on for a tad too long for his liking.

Oh, he is definitely doing this on purpose. I swear if he wasn’t injured right now - Diluc grumbled to himself giving the man sprawled over the bed a last withering look, which clearly seemed to have no effect on the other.

After carrying a bloodied Kaeya out of the domain, Diluc had rushed back to the manor, which was his closest option in order to give the other proper treatment.

Honestly he didn’t think it through too much since the priority was saving Kaeya from impending death. Clearly he hadn’t thought about this long enough.

At first, he had felt so incredibly desperate seeing Kaeya’s pulse was growing weaker. He’d berated himself for not carrying anything to heal him with and for not putting his foot down on the whole “This-is-a-bad-idea” feeling Kaeya had ignored.

The only conclusion he had managed to get to amidst the chaos around him was that he, from now on, would start carrying a sort of “Kaeya emergency kit” on him at all times. 

He’d filled a small box with a few things he knew were necessary when it came to Kaeya; bandages, a healing solution, a whistle, a small vial of potent alcohol, another vial with hangover medicine - and stuffed it neatly in his coat pocket. All absolutely necessary things.

He was never getting caught unprepared ever again.

That’s what he had hoped up until Kaeya woke up (after several days) and upon taking back his consciousness had blurted out; “Luc, my head hurts, can you kiss it better?” with a dramatic pout.

Diluc felt a shiver run down his whole body as he had been caught so off-guard no other response had come to mind. His mouth opened as he just looked at Kaeya.

“Luc, this is a matter of life and death. Please, will you quit taking your sweet time?” Kaeya was the picture of seriousness.

What irritated him more? The request itself? Or the fact that this was the first thing he heard after days of worrying sick over the man? He clenched his fist, one part to prepare to punch him, the other to contain the urge to punch him. Well, something needed to be punched.

“Fine. I’m going to hold my breath until you kiss me better then.” Kaeya promptly crossed his arms, taking a deep breath in and huffing his cheeks while staring intensely at Diluc.

Eyes still wide open and mouth agape, Diluc made his way over to Kaeya, ominously looking down at him before he slightly bent and kissed Kaeya on the forehead.

Diluc couldn’t see it, but he had looked so serious while doing it, it made Kaeya chuckle mischievously.

Soon, all the held air was let out as a smile formed on Kaeya’s face.

“See? All better now thanks to my hero!”

“I’m going to call Adelinde. I think you may be suffering from a very severe head injury, you did hit your head pretty hard. Hold on Kaeya, help is on the way.” Diluc replied dead-panned while side-eyeing Kaeya with a passion.

“Well that’s very unnecessary. All a guy’s heart needs to heal is proper love and care from their savior, don’t you know that already?” The injured man replied a little too happily for Diluc’s pleasure.

“I swear to Barbatos, if you don’t quit whatever is going with you right now, I will whip that smirk off of your face myself.” Diluc barked, now only dreaming for proper peace - he had been injured himself after all. Sure, he didn’t brush death the way Kaeya had but he too had wanted to rest. Now he wasn’t so sure taking care of Kaeya for these past few days had paid off the way he wanted.

“Oh? Well I don’t think I’ll mind that all. Please, go ahead. Just make sure to do it properly though, I’m not sure how well you’ll be able to manage,” Kaeya replied with an attempted wink, almost like butter while leaning forward, his lips pressing out.

“What. are. you. doing?” Anyone in his position would also consider throwing Kaeya out a window. Except that would also mean going back to pick him up and taking care of him for twice as long.

He is an injured man, Diluc. We do not hurt injured men. He repeated quietly while biting his lip.

“Weren’t you going to shut me up?” Kaeya said, his voice muffled since his lips were still in position.

Bonk!

We do not hit injured men, Diluc kept on repeating to himself as he walked over to the nearest wall and proceeded to whack his head on it with enough strength to actually cause a single streak of blood to trickle down his face.

I am being absolutely ridiculous but it’s either the wall or him. We do not hit injured people Diluc Ragvindr. We. Do not. Hit. Injured people.

“Diluc, are you… quite alright?” Kaeya said, looking a bit surprised.

Diluc turned around slowly to look at him, expression still blank - almost square - no frustration in sight, before quietly leaving the room and Kaeya behind him.

He really needed a walk right now. Or therapy, whatever came first.

Why do I keep letting him pass through the door?

Maybe he just needed to stop letting the same strange man into his house.

Diluc walked with his shoulders slumped, all he could hope for now was that this was just an off situation for Kaeya and that he would soon return to his usual - more reasonably paced and toned down - remarks instead of whatever was going on right now.

As Diluc arrived outside, crossing his arms as he took the fresh air in and letting his hair flow with it, he finally allowed his whole face to warm in absolute embarrassment.

This really was, without a single doubt, his worst idea thus far.

Chapter Text

“I swear this is all the maids can talk about, Sir Elzer! And honestly I can’t blame them. This is too far, no matter what needs Master Diluc is trying to satiate."  a maid exclaimed to Adelinde and Elzer, seeming rather out of it.

“Wait, please rewind. What exactly is it this time?” Elzer replied, a hand covering his face, trying to massage both his temples in a headache.

“It was heard from all over the mansion, I tell you! Master Kaeya was begging for Master Diluc to slow down or he’d go limp while well, uhm…” the maid looked to the side absolutely embarrassed, “...making odd noises?”

“You mean to say Master Diluc… to Master Kaeya?” Adelinde finally spoke in slight horror.

“That’s exactly what I’m saying! To an injured man, you see!” The maid yelled, extremely agitated.

“Master Diluc did that… to an injured man?!” Adelinde couldn’t help but feel her motherly instinct rise, Is this how I raised him to be?!? Barbatos have mercy.

“I’m not sure I understand this, what exactly did Master Diluc do to Master Kaeya?” Elzer spoke, feeling absolutely clueless to the two maid’s anger.

“Worry not, Elzer, I’ll handle this.” Adelinde finally said, with absolute resolve, before storming off.

The clatter of her heels echoed through the halls like the tolling of a funeral bell. Somewhere, a maid prayed. Somewhere else, a man wrote his will.

Somewhere even further away, Diluc sneezed and didn’t yet know why.

“So,” Elzer said while giving a side eye to the speechless maid, “ should we send flowers or just start digging?”

“You… are a heartless man, Diluc Ragvindr. I come back from the brink of death and you deny me a simple glass of wine? Inside of a winery? Of all places?”

“Kaeya, you literally are on medication.”

“Yes, and it pairs quite horribly with sobriety.”

Diluc groaned with something that came out right from the core of his soul.

“Shame on you, Diluc Ragvindr.” Kaeya huffed, arms crossed dramatically on the bed he’d been glued to for two weeks.

“Once you’re healed, you’re out.”

“Oh, already kicking me out are you? Don’t you think you will miss me if I leave?”

“I will.”

“Huh?”

“Huh?”

“Diluc did you just…?”

“I DID NO-” Diluc started, seeing red.

“Master Diluc,” Adelinde smiled from the doorway, “Would you be so kind as to accompany me for a moment?”

“Adelinde? Yes, of course. Is something the matter?” He replied hastily, happy to have an out of the conversation he was currently having.

Diluc and Kaeya had been raised by this saint of a woman, both knowing her methods all too well. So, really, it was absolutely Diluc’s failing - not noticing that he was exchanging a headache for a headbutt.

Of course, Kaeya had immediately noticed and had chosen to let him fall in battle alone instead of warning him of the dangers to come. After all, some battles were too frightening, even for the mighty Cavalry Captain.

Yes, had faced monsters, bandits, criminals, the Fatui and even Dragons and gods. But nothing could compare to Adelinde’s wrath.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Young man, you know exactly what it is I’m talking about.”

“I assure you I do not.”

“Is that so? So pray tell, why do you keep on forcing your hand onto Master Kaeya? You are alarming the entire staff with your less than acceptable behavior! Need I remind you of one of the fundamental things I have taught you ever since you were a child?”

“Ah, well-”

“We do not harm injured men!”

“Well, I know, that’s why I-” Diluc started panicking a little, fidgeting the same way he did as a child.

“The entire staff heard him begging you to slow down before he went limp? Master Diluc, pray tell, why ever did you think this was an appropriate time to finally confess your… carnal passions for Master Kaeya?!”

“Y-yes, he was injured but I was just trying to help him! He’s the one who wouldn’t hold still-”... did she just say carnal passions?

“Oh? Master Diluc, is that so?” The air was menacing, Diluc was under imminent danger and there was nowhere to run. Someone, please help. Preferably with holy water.

“Oh Adelinde, don’t be so harsh on him. He was very gentle despite what the public opinion may say.” Kaeya said from the room. Wait, no, not you - Diluc panicked in silence, he was absolutely fucked.

“Diluc is very caring with me, though I did beg for him to stop after too much activity but well, nothing I can’t handle.”

Happily enough, Elzer had stayed near enough to catch Adelinde just in time as she fainted dramatically.

It was her third fainting episode this month. The doctor was starting to charge extra.

On the other hand, Diluc now had found his hand filled with his own red hair as he had accidentally pulled a handful of it in sheer embarrassment. Kaeya was going to kill him one way or the other, there was no doubt about it.

“I’m perfectly fine! See?” Kaeya exclaimed as he got up from the bed, “I can walk well enough, so I don’t see why I wouldn’t be allowed to have a single drink!”

Thud

Kaeya had flopped miserably onto the ground as fast as he had gotten up.

Silence.

“I meant to do that,” he said from the floor.

“You absolute idiot! Stay down dammit!” Diluc almost cried in frustration while yanking him back onto the bed.

“You could’ve just said you wanted me in your bed again, you know?” Kaeya teased with another one of his smirks.

“That's it. I’m sending you over to the Cathedral.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Try me.”

They both started some sort of weird staring contest, as Diluc fixed his eyes on Kaeya’s while getting new bandages as -of course- Kaeya’s little flopping in the ground had reopened the wound on his left leg.

“Hold still or you’ll tear again.” 

“Oh, come on Master Diluc,” Kaeya smiled, gearing up for another go, “You can go tighter than that, you know I can take it.”

This little shit.

“Kaeya.” He replied between gritted teeth.

“What? It’s a compliment coming from me.”

That devious little shit, Diluc kept on thinking to himself while trying to fix the new patch up so that he wouldn’t punch him clean out.

“Stop squirming! How do you want me to put it on properly if you keep on wriggling like that?”

A loud gasp could be heard from the other side of the door.

“To the injured man?!? Again?!”

Somewhere, a maid fainted for the third time that week.

“Are they keeping score?” Kaeya muttered, amused.

Diluc froze, his whole body frigid except from his one eye he swears was twitching in absolute stress.

“Careful Luc, not everyone can handle me like this.”

“Kaeya, I am locking this door and not letting you out.”

“Oh no! That’ll really make things sound worse.” Kaeya said with a mischievous grin.

“Kaeya—”

From the hallway, it could be heard again: “TO THE INJURED MAN AGAIN?! LEAVE HIM ALONE!”

“I give up” Diluc finally said completely defeated, his soul leaving his body for good.

“For fucks sake, Kaeya Alberich, give me that bottle” Could be heard from a distance, in addition to some scuffling and right after, the unmistakable sound of glass crashing on the floor.

Moments later, there was Adelinde, a basket with freshly washed and folded clothes in hands, completely frozen at the sight she had become the victim of from the other side of the door leading to the room.

There were her almost-like-her-own-kids, Kaeya and Diluc. Diluc shirtless standing over an almost naked Kaeya on the bed, as Kaeya said something all too similar to “Slow down Master Diluc.” under him.

A single tear rolled down her eye as she stood there.

“Adelinde!” Diluc jumped in horror, “This is not what it looks like, I-”

“Master Kaeya,” She said, voice in a tone that was very unclear to both as she put down the basket, “you are the Cavalry Captain of the Knights of Favonius right?”

“Yes…?”

She sniffled, a broken heart showing “I’d like to make a report regarding a deranged individual once your leave of absence is finished, please make sure to come by and write down the report.” And with that, she left, tear still rolling down her cheek.

“Ah, well. Guess I’ll have to take care of that then.” Kaeya laughed with a serious face, getting up to pick his clothes from the basket to dress himself. “You know, you could’ve just let me drink the wine instead of making it go to waste by spilling it on us both. What a waste indeed.”

Diluc just stared for a moment with a dumbfounded look.

“Kaeya, I thought you couldn’t walk.”

“Did you now.”

“...”

“I see.” Kaeya said, looking way too serious.

Bonk 

“What was that for?” Kaeya quickly replied, bewildered at Diluc’s yet again bloody forehead and freshly damaged wall.

“For existing.”

“So, I guess I’m finally leaving then?”

Diluc just huffed, two bumps very noticeable on his forehead.

“Alright then, don’t miss me too much.”

“... take care of yourself.” Diluc said softly, despite his crossed arms, as he watched Kaeya leave from the Winery’s entrance.

Kaeya waved as he headed back to the city. This was where the real fun would begin, and he would make sure to make every single moment worth it, much to Diluc’s dismay.

While watching him leave, Diluc couldn’t help but feel a bit sad, he wasn’t sure why the hell, but he was sad.

He enjoyed Kaeya’s antics more than he cared to admit. Of course, Diluc didn’t know this yet, but he’d regret ever feeling anything positive toward Kaeya’s newfound desire for chaos.

And thus, peace returned to Dawn Winery. Briefly. Very briefly.

(Somewhere, a maid who had just returned from her vacation whispered: “...he did WHAT to an injured man?”)

Chapter Text

Jean looked at the release papers on her desk, then at Kaeya, back to the papers, then at Diluc.

“Kaeya… Are you sure you’re fully recovered?”

“Rest is for the weak.”

“You were unconscious for two weeks and incapacitated for another two.” Jean replied, her voice cracking somewhere between anguish and disbelief.

“Power nap.” Kaeya shot back, smugly.

In the background, Diluc pinched the bridge of his nose while questioning every life choice that led him there. Why am I here again? Right, Kaeya had needed him to come as a witness to confirm he was fit for release. Which he absolutely wasn’t. Why did he agree to come though?

Jean exhaled slowly, the look of a woman realizing the only way out of this conversation was to give into the flamboyant man in front of her. 

“Fine,” she muttered, signing the form with the solemnity of someone sealing their own fate. “You’re released.”

Kaeya grinned, victorious, taking the paper with a flourish. Then he winked. At least, that’s what Diluc thought that was supposed to be in Kaeya’s mind.

In reality, Kaeya’s entire upper body seemed to convulse a little, his left shoulder jolted, and his head tilted in a very unnatural looking way.

Diluc’s eye twitched in distress at the sight.

Jean, however, was really not sure how to feel, looking completely horrified at whatever Kaeya had just done with his body.

Jean froze as she held her breath. “Kaeya,” she began carefully, “you… do know you can’t wink, right?”

“My dear Acting Grand Master, of course I can!” Kaeya said dramatically, putting a hand on his chest, “In fact, that was my signature move.”

There was silence.

A very long, long, pained and cringed silence.

Diluc sighed deeply. “Signature of what, exactly? Neurological damage?”

Jean tried very hard not to laugh but failed miserably, snorting into her hand.

Kaeya, undeterred, turned to her again, trying once more—except now his eye closing incredibly slow - like a damaged frog, his mouth twitched, and his right hand somehow saluted.

Jean flinched like she was being personally attacked. “Please, for the love of Barbatos, don’t do that in public.”

Kaeya gasped, particularly offended. “And deprive the city of this view?”

“Yes.”

“Absolutely yes.” Diluc intervened.

“Please do not do that in public. Ever. In fact, I might make it an official order to protect our citizens' well being.” Jean added, not sure of what to do with her own body anymore.

Kaeya smiled innocently. “Wouldn’t that make me an outlaw, then?”

Jean froze, realizing what she had just set herself up for.

“Kaeya, don’t.” Diluc warned.

But it was too late. Kaeya spread his arms. “Then I suppose I’ll just have to be [The Man Who Winked at the Law].” 

He made finger-guns, as if this was the fucking funniest shit ever seen on the land. 

He made. Finger. Guns.

Jean dropped her head into her hands, as tears fell out, as Diluc muttered under his breath; I knew I should’ve let him stay unconscious.

“It was a dark night, colder than the heart of a Cryo Fatui Officer…” Kaeya continued, in absolute drama.

“Kaeya, wasn’t that during noon?” Amber retorted.

“...” Kaeya offered one side eye - mainly because he only had one eye to side eye with - and continued “ So it felt like night when-”

“Sir Kaeya, perhaps it would be best if you got down from the table? Lest you injure yourself again.” Charles interrupted in honest worry from the bar.

“Worry not, my stage is safe enough.” Kaeya quickly answered, a hand on his chest, before trying to retake onto his story, “And there was the domain. Diluc, shining and perceptive as ever, sensed the imminent danger, but alas, my desire to save the land outweighed reason.”

“So you entered a domain and petulantly ignored Diluc telling you it was a bad idea.” Rosaria interrupted with an I am absolutely judging you, you demonic moron kind of look.

“Ahem, anyways, so once in the domain, we encountered an insurmountable amount of ruin guards. I had never seen that many in a singular place! They all lunged, as metal and metal clashed!”

A few knights stared in awe, admiring their captain above all else.

“It took hours and we were exhausted. Perhaps because of it, we both had our guards down and before I knew it… Wack! A ruin guard had hit me, sending me crashing into a wall!”

A young knight gasped.

“Then, there was Diluc, rushing to avenge me and my presumed death. As his cape fluttered with his movement like the wings of an upset pigeon, he retaliated at the machine!”

“What kind of analogy is that?” Diluc yelled, agitated, as he had just entered the bar to cover for Charles.

“That’s what it looked like! You really should be more aware of yourself. Anyways, he took the whole thing out in one blow! Likely thanks to the anger he felt upon seeing the harm the thing had caused me, his dearest. Then, he rushed to me in absolute panic.”

“I did not rush.”

“Semantics.”

“You were miserably bleeding out on the floor."

“I was posing on the floor, waiting for you to rescue me.”

“...” Diluc’s eyes emptied as he looked in the distance, in defeat.

“Anyways, seeing the damage, Diluc was overcome with a rage you’d rarely see him have! So he gently cradled me in his arms like a delicate flower on the brink of wilting.” Kaeya said, raising his voice to a few octaves, as he clasped his hands in a romantic gesture.

“You weighed as much as a full wine barrel, I was crying inside.”

“So you were holding me safe and close!”

“Kaeya, please-”

“I swear if I hadn’t been basically dead, I would’ve swooned!”

On the side, Jean cried a bit in silence, wondering what had she done to deserve this as Lisa came in.

“Oh, good, story time! Did I miss too much?” She said while sitting close to Kaeya’s stage.

“But of course! Worry not, there is plenty to listen to still.” Kaeya smiled proudly.

“Kaeya, stop making it sound like a romance novel.” Diluc groaned in frustration.

“Oh? Then should I skip the part where you whispered my name in my ear, telling me to stay with you?”

“I yelled your name because you were passing out!”

“Tomato - Tomato, same thing.”

Oho, Lisa laughed at the display.

“Well, whatever the case, I am glad to have you all here. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my handsome savior as well as to do my first public will reading.” Kaeya announced.

“Your first public what?” Diluc cried out.

Kaeya rummaged through his jacket’s pocket before pulling out a neatly folded document. “Here it is!”

He slowly unfolded the piece of paper, before clearing his throat, 

“Ahem! I, Kaeya Alberich, relay the following possessions, in the case of my untimely death:

My eyepatch, to Diluc Ragvindr. 

My pet rock, to Diluc Ragvindr. 

My collection of colored socks, to Diluc Ragvindr. 

A lock of my lush hair, to Diluc Ragvindr. 

My sword, to Diluc Ragvindr. 

My-”

“Kaeya, you wrote this will after you tripped today and thought you’d die again.” Diluc interrupted flatly. When will this man cease his torment of me?

“Tragedy can strike at any time dear Luc.”

“How about we leave story telling at that, Captain Kaeya?” Jean jumped in, flustered while eyeing Diluc “...Before tragedy strikes again?”

“Oh? Very well the- Woah!”

Crash

“I mean to do that.” Kaeya said, after flopping miserably to the floor, after failing to get down safely from the table. “Come rescue me, oh gallant hero?”

“What. are. you. doing. here?” Diluc tried to say between gritted teeth.

“Master Diluc! Treat Master Kaeya with some decency for once, will you?” Adelinde huffed from the side of the table.

“Pardon me.” He approached Kaeya who was sitting with a quill in his hand, “What the fuck are you doing?”

“Master Dil-”

“It’s quite alright Adelinde. I am here on official business you see.”

“Official as in, you are officially here to get on my last nerve?”

“You could say that. You see, Adelinde here had asked me to assist her in making a report regarding a certain individual that was displaying rather unacceptable conducts in the manor.”

“That’s right! Please let us finish, Master Diluc, it’ll only be a moment.”

“Kaeya.” 

“Yes.”

He and Adelinde finished the report, as Diluc stood there, menacingly. 

As soon as it was done, Adelinde bowed and left the room, leaving the two, concerningly alone.

“I’m really starting to wonder who is the victim here…” Elzer whispered to Adelinde.

“Kaeya, you-”

“Well, it has been a pleasure, Luc.” He quickly cut him off, standing up with the documents in his hands, a wicked smile on his lip.

“Kaeya, please don’t.”

Of course he ignored him, as he started doing his body twitching, soul assassinating, dead frog looking wink to Diluc with enough weirdness to make the other shiver all over.

“We’re not in public, are we?”

“Wait. Since you’re here…” Diluc said in an alarmingly soft tone.

“Hm?”

“I’d like to make a report regarding a deranged individual in the winery.”

Chapter Text

Laws of Diluc (LoD); Book 1 “On Kaeya, Article 4, Section B: Thou shall not answer the door too early in the morning for it is a premonition of bad things to come.

“What are you doing here now?” Diluc sighed after opening the door, hand holding onto the doorknob to protect the last remaining bits of his composure.

“To assist you of course!”

That’s never meant anything good in the history of ever, Diluc said with a single look.

“Kaeya, don’t you have an actual job?”

“I do!” Could’ve fooled me. He laughed to himself. But Kaeya just stared at him.

Diluc blinked, waiting for further elaboration. Nothing. Not a single explanation.

The worst part wasn’t Kaeya’s grin; it was the corners of his own mouth threatening treason on the Laws of Diluc ; Book 1 “On Kaeya”, Article 3, Section A; Thou shall not smile at mindless banter.

He looked away first. It’s too early for this shit.

Despite being a man of great strength, Diluc was weak in the face of one specific enemy: persistent idiots with a pretty eye.

He slightly moved over as he opened the door enough for Kaeya to slip in.

“I have come to be your humble servant for the day.”

“Kaeya, there’s a lot of words to describe you, but ‘humble’ isn’t one of them.”

“Indeed! It’s new. A limited edition version of me, only available for you.”

“Why?” He asked, maybe to Kaeya, maybe to ask mercy to the archons above.

“You saved me. I will repay you!”

“By leaving.” 

Kaeya simply hummed in response, as he placed himself behind Diluc, trailing his every move like a cat with very little concept of boundaries.

And as always, it was easier to let him than to argue. Now, the warmth that followed him like a third shadow was a separate issue entirely.

Laws of Diluc; Book 1 “On Kaeya”, Article 1: Thou shall not acknowledge or give notice to the warm feeling. Ever.

No good deed goes unpunished. At least none of Diluc’s, it seemed.

“So, where do you need me?” Kaeya asked, hands on his hips like a man about to perform a miracle. A hot man, he added mentally.

“Nowhere.”

“Perfect, I’ll start there!” Kaeya said, rolling up his sleeves with the kind of confidence that made Diluc’s blood pressure rise.

“Kaeya, what are you—”

“Organizing!” Kaeya picked up a random sheet and squinted. “Ah yes, trade permits and… wine tax forms. Easy enough.”

“Don’t—”

“You just cross out whatever looks redundant, right?.”

“Kaeya—”

“Why are there three copies of this?”

“Because they’re for three different regions—!”

Too late. Kaeya had already neatly — smugly — stacked the wrong signatures together into one glorious bureaucratic monstrosity.

“There! Ah, see? This is what I call streamlined chaos, very efficient” he said, hands on hips again, radiant as Diluc’s soul left his body. 

This is how empires fall, Diluc thought grimly.

He should’ve thrown him out already; the sane thing to do, the sensible one.

But the day Kaeya stops showing up at his door will be the worst one.

“Kaeya,” Diluc started, tone deceptively calm, “you’ve just signed a business offer for exporting mead to Snezhnaya under a Mondstadt business license.”

“…You’re welcome?”

“Kaeya, you do remember that I’m a persona non grata in Snezhnaya and the reason I just so happen to be, don't you?”

There was a deep, thick silence as Kaeya’s expression darkened. Then, the unmistakable sound of incoming doom and misery.

Diluc inhaled sharply through his nose. The things he could do right now without repercussion. He could yell. He could murder. He could throw himself on the floor and cry. But Diluc knew of a better evil. Something far more menacing and soul crushing: He said nothing.

Let the silence echo! Let the silence eat him in shame! Diluc dramatically thought to himself.

Kaeya, in a small attempt at self-preservation, started collecting the papers and placing them as neatly as he could. 

Diluc just looked at him in absolute silence. What a failure you are, his eyes told him in proud mockery. 

As soon as he had collected everything, Kaeya stood there waiting for anything.

But Diluc knew better. Laws of Diluc ; Book 1 “On Kaeya”, Article 3, Section A & B; Thou shall not smile at mindless banter. Shall the banter overstay its welcome, thou shall not react to it in any way.

So he left without a word, celebrating with a proud smile deep inside. He’d won.

Bang!

“Pssst! Hey!

Bang!

“Diluc!” Kaeya called, while throwing yet another rock at the window of the third room of the second floor; The one belonging to a perpetually irritated and sleep deprived red-headed man that simply wanted one peaceful morning in his life.

Bang!

“I know you’re a heavy sleeper but this is concerning.” he muttered, “Maybe if I throw it with the power of love?” he pondered on, winding up for another throw as he imagined angelic clouds and pink hearts flowing around the rock. With more passion, with more energy, with more footwork.

Thwack! 

“Oof-” Shit.

Because, of course, that had to be the exact moment Diluc decided to open the window. Only to be greeted with a rock. To his face.

There was a loud thud and something hit the floor instead.

Kaeya grimaced, his whole body cringing, “I’m so screwed.”

“So.” Diluc finally said very calmly, “ you have chosen death.”

“I was trying to apologize romantically!”

“Why?! And why does it have to be romantic?!” Diluc exclaimed, absolutely agitated as Kaeya kept on pressing a damp cloth on his forehead.

“It just felt like the right thing to do! I don’t know, I panicked.” 

“You? Panic?” Now that was out of pocket.

“It has happened once or twice. Usually when doing taxes.” Kaeya tried to joke before falling silent for a bit. “Ah, well…” 

Diluc could tell there was something bugging Kaeya, for as deranged and depraved (according to Diluc)  Kaeya could be, he could still tell when something was wrong. “You weren’t supposed to get hurt. Again.”

Diluc blinked, startled by the shift before exhaling. “You are a menace, you know that?” he said softly.

“And yet,” Kaeya smiled, tilting his head, “you opened the door for me again.”

“Don’t make me regret it.” He tried to bite, but failed.

“Too late for that, it seems.” Kaeya added, gently patting the cloth onto Diluc’s wound.

Even amid the ridiculousness, he couldn’t deny the warmth that lingered whenever Kaeya hovered nearby.

“This is a horrible idea.”

“I think it’s a great idea!”

“That’s what you said last time and as far as I remember, you ended up pancaked on a wall, half dead.”

“It’s just a spar, not a death wish. You wouldn’t actually flatten me… right?”

“Don’t tempt me.”

“Then, Master Diluc, please do go ahead and show me your physical prowess.” Kaeya smirked, throwing a practice sword his way.

Diluc caught it midair with a defiant smile, no hesitation. “Your call.”

The clash was immediate and chaotic. Especially thanks to Kaeya, who had decided to randomly twirl when attacking and do small jumps, as if he had missed his call to become a star ballerina.

“You’re holding back!” Kaeya taunted, mid-twirl. “Afraid to bruise this pretty face of mine?”

“I’m afraid for my paperwork, if you ever manage to get close to it again.”

“Oh? Concern? Be still, my heart!”

“Be quiet or I'll still it for you.”

“Wouldn’t complain about that.” Kaeya teased with a small jump.

Their movements were erratic but completely natural to them as they kept on running around.

“Do you feel the passion in my twirl?” Kaeya asked, mid-leap.

“I feel overwhelmed.” Diluc muttered, trying his best not to succumb to the other’s flamboyant ways. “Is that actually helping you fight better in any way?”

“Ah-” Kaeya yelped when Diluc’s blade caught his collar and pulled. “Careful! I know it’s tempting, but if you wanted me shirtless, you could’ve just asked.” And had he not been breathless, he would’ve attempted another one of his dead looking frog winks to accompany that. What a waste of a good opportunity he lamented.

“Now I’m really regretting opening that door.” Diluc groaned, amused.

“Too late for thaa-t” Kaeya tried to mock before miserable flopping to the ground again.

Well, almost.

“Kaeya-!” Reflex, instinct or something more. The same pull that had him kneeling in the dirt weeks ago, trying to stop the bleeding.

He moved before he could think, catching him just before his head hit the ground.

A pause, too close, too warm.

“My, Master Diluc, how romantic,” Kaeya said, grinning in his arms.

Plop

“Ow! What was that for?” Kaeya whined while rubbing his lower back, after Diluc had promptly dropped him in a simple, flat gesture.

“Retribution.”

They both stared at each other. In silence. Dead, total silence. 

Before a single snort and full on, belly excruciating pain laughter started resonating through the air.

“Next time, maybe warn me before you swoon, oh, damsel.” Diluc teased, rare amusement break by.

“Oh~ so there’ll be a next time?”

“Don’t push your luck.”

“And he looked so handsome as he held me in his arms, saving me from yet another fatal situation!”

“Master Diluc is so cool! It’s truly admirable!” One of the young knights Kaeya was talking to exclaimed.

“Yes, yes he is. Honestly, he almost looked like a deity worthy of worship.” Kaeya stated very seriously.

“Did he now?” Venti, who was sitting with them, drink in hand, added. “Well, surely, he’d need proper worship then.”

“I couldn’t agree more!” Kaeya proudly responded.

“Naturally.” Kaeya raised his glass. “To Master Diluc, Mondstadt’s blazing savior!”

The table erupted in laughter, drinks clinking, jokes flying.

But Kaeya’s smile stuck around a little too long. Because for all the laughter and teasing, somewhere between the spar and the rock and the door, it had started feeling like a little more than just wanting to tease.

“Worship him?” Venti joked more quietly to Kaeya, nudging him.

“Maybe just… make sure he’s never fighting alone,” Kaeya muttered into his glass, before taking another sip as he looked at Diluc over at the bar.

Funny, how many times that door had opened and closed between them… and how each time, it felt a little less like an accident.

Right…, at least stay around him close enough to make sure he’d never have to face loneliness.

Chapter Text

The birds were singing, the sun was rising, the air was fresh, and flowers were blooming - what a lovely day. And Diluc sure hoped it would stay that way as he walked through the early empty city of Mond’.

He hoped. He begged. He prayed.

“Master Diluc, how lovely seeing you!” This is why he didn’t treat Venti kindly.

“Kaeya, I see you too.”

The other man, with a wide happy grin started making his way towards him, a hand waving all too eagerly to start his usual antics.

Diluc, like a concerned goat, stood there, frozen, awaiting his inevitable fate.

He could make a run for it. Or he could punch Kaeya square in the face and knock him out. Maybe he could point in a random direction and scream ‘Look! What’s that?’ and make a run for it. Perhaps he could-

Crash

That hadn’t been Diluc, luckily. He was only joking, he hadn’t particularly expected for an entire flower pot to fall off the balcony right above where Kaeya was walking and fall right on top of his head with absolute cartoonish grace.

Kaeya stilled, as the remains of the pot fell to the ground, a smile still in his face, hand paused in its waving, legs mid-step.

Then a little drip of blood, presented itself moments before Kaeya flopped miserably on the floor.

You meant to do that? his brain suggested. His mouth did not agree.

“...”

“...”

“Kaeya?”

“...”

“Kaeya.”

“...”

Well, shit.

It took a little too long for Diluc’s brain to process what had happened, it took less for him to pull out a small box from his coat – which, for reasons he refused to examine, he had started carrying more often lately – and rushed to Kaeya. Which was ridiculous, because Kaeya was, in fact, only a few steps from the spot where he’d been standing.

It’s too early for this. And I prayed. Venti will be hearing from me and my attorney later.

Nevertheless, Diluc had to concentrate as he checked Kaeya’s pulse, his dilated pupil and breathing. From the box that had a small crooked note, he pulled a vial and cloth.

Kaeya wouldn’t appreciate the smell of it, but the healing balm was absolutely necessary before he applied proper pressure to the wound with the cloth.

Mondstadters were heavy sleepers but it still somewhat surprised Diluc to not have seen anyone come and help as his sweaty hands kept on pressuring the wound to close.

Kaeya’s eye eventually fluttered, before opening and looking at Diluc with a disturbing intensity.

Way too much intensity.

After what seemed a very deep and important moment of contemplation, Kaeya inhaled as Diluc held his breath and spoke;

“Are you… my husband?”

What now?

Diluc just stared at the man, wondering if he should just leave him there, miserably flopped on the ground.

“Well? I don’t know why but I swear I feel like we’re married.”

Diluc let out a deep sigh, one that carried all the weight of the world and a single hilichurl with it. Do I indulge this or should I actually be concerned?

“Do you… not remember?”

“Well, I remember… someone making me breakfast and complaining about how I need to find a new hobby. Or new friends.”

“That checks out,” Diluc muttered.

“Where am I?”

“The street?”

“And you are…?”

“Apparently cursed.”

“But my husband?”

“No.”

“Really? You’re quite handsome, stranger. Are you sure you’re not the man of my dreams?”

“I am not.”

“You said that with the confidence of a man lying to himself.”

And just like that, Diluc’s lovely morning was officially over

“Will you quit stumbling around and walk properly?” Diluc finally said, a bit irritated.

“You’re the one dragging me around with you!” Kaeya exclaimed, slightly offended. “I’m sure we’d be able to walk properly if you weren’t holding my arm so tightly.”

Not like he wanted for Diluc to let go of his arm, but even Kaeya had to admit it was difficult to keep up the pace after suffering from a mild concussion.

“You’re the one stumbling around, clearly, you cannot walk on your own.”

“Ah, my gallant protector.”

“Supervision, not protection.”

“You say that like they’re different things.” Diluc huffed and rolled his eyes.

He’s pretending it’s pragmatic, but it was obvious to anyone who bothered to look that he’s worried. Kaeya’s still a bit pale, his hairline scraped, and every time he winces, Diluc’s hands twitch like he’s ready to steady him.

“So, if you don’t mind me asking…” I very much mind, please don’t, Diluc pleaded in silence.

Kaeya leaned in with a playful smile, which made Diluc tweak in pained silence. “If you’re not my husband, and you claim you’re not the man of my dreams, do you think it would be impossible for us to be wed? Eventually?”

This man will be the death of me, I swear.

“Not. your. husband. But apparently cursed,” he muttered again under his breath, dragging Kaeya along.

The curse was loud, dramatic, and bleeding slightly.

“Here,” Diluc stated, opening the Angel’s Share door before pushing Kaeya in and sitting him in the stool closest to the bar, “sit and behave will you?”

“Are you sure I don’t live here?”

“No one lives here, it’s a tavern.”

“Mmm. Tragic.”

Other than Kaeya’s overly curious behavior (as in I am going to ask an unbearable amount of questions about everything until you pull your hair out kind of curious), everything was relatively calm.

“You’re not allowed behind the counter.” Diluc shot as Kaeya walked up to him.

“Oh? And yet, here I am — husband privileges I suppose.”

“We’re getting divorced.”

“Tragic. Who gets the tavern?”

“Are you-”

“Master Diluc, good afternoon! I’ll take over.” Charles greeted, entering the tavern for his shift.

“Wonderful!” Kaeya jumped to answer, locking his arm in Diluc’s, “Come on, I’m starving. Invite me for lunch, will you dearest?” Kaeya grinned in full confidence.

“Kaeya.” Diluc glared with a I am minutes away from losing my marbles and you’re not helping your case air.

“Apologies good sir,” Kaeya said, raising his hand at the man he did not recognize, “but you see, my husband here is going to take me on a date.”

“I am not and it is not.” Diluc flared up, ready to cry in sheer shame.

“He is and it is” Kaeya simply claimed back, putting his other hand onto Diluc’s arm, now fully perched on him.

Charles gave a dumbfounded look at the familiarity displayed, who were these people and what had happened to his boss? “Master Diluc, is everything-”

“Please don’t ask.” Diluc quickly cut, embarrassed enough for a few lifetimes, before dragging Kaeya out of the tavern. 

Charles blinked twice, decided he valued his job too much to press further, and simply waved them out.

They stood there for a bit in silence before Kaeya tugged a bit on Diluc’s sleeve.

The speed at which his head snapped could have warranted an injury of its own, “I am not taking you out for lunch.”

“But you promised we’d go on a date today.”

“I did no such thing.”

“...” Puppy eyes, he’s giving me puppy eyes.

“Two meals of the day, please.” Diluc said, astonished, sat, tranquil.

Clink.

Kaeya carefully placed the teacups in the desk before elegantly pouring tea in each cup, with the kind of refinement belonging to a soft spoken, gentle lady that had trained for this moment her whole life.

“Oh, may I ask who this is?” The business man sitting across Diluc asked, admiring the wifely duties Kaeya was excelling at.

“Why, of course. I am Ms. Ragnvindr and the lady of this house. Do not mind me too much, I simply wish to keep my husband company.” Kaeya said, as graceful as a swan, as beautiful as a peacock, as soft as a penguin, extending his hand to the man.

“Well, it is my pleasure.” He replied, taking the hand offered to him in absolute dazzling confidence and laying a kiss on it, as formality would have it.

Diluc, on the other hand, was pondering with his arms crossed on whether he should lock Kaeya up for good or burn the man in front of him alive. Because what exactly does he think he’s doing?

“Congratulations Master Diluc, only few in Teyvat can find themselves such a devoted husband.” The man cheered, letting go of Kaeya’s hand which seemed to allow Diluc’s shoulders to de-tense.

“He’s not my—”

“—husband,” Kaeya finishes, “he gets a bit shy, but we’re going steady. 5 years in a few days actually!”

“He’s joking.”

“I would never joke about our love.” Kaeya pouted flamboyantly but dead serious.

Diluc wasn’t sure how, but eventually he was able to actually have the meeting with the man. Even if it didn’t go too well, given that he felt an inexplicable hatred for the businessman in front of him.

Maybe it would be quite fine if he burned his hair or eye brows just a little. Or his hand, or his mouth. That should be about right.

“T-then… I think w-we can conclude this…. meeting, Master Diluc…” The man finally said, almost crying at the you’re about to be assassinated with my glare and there’s nothing you can do about it look Diluc had been giving to him for a little too long.

In fact, the guy was so terrified he pretty much fled the room after receiving an almost finger breaking handshake from the master of the manor.

“I’m going back to the tavern to finish the night shift.” Diluc said flatly. ““You don’t have to come if you’re tired.”

“And leave my dear husband unattended? Perish the thought.”

“You’re insufferable”, Diluc almost smiled.

“But well-supervised.”

“I said supervision, not a full-time escort,” Diluc muttered as he pushed open the tavern door.

“And yet,” Kaeya said brightly, following close behind, “you’ve barely let me out of your sight all day. It’s almost romantic, really.”

“It’s court-mandated,” Diluc deadpanned.

“By which court?”

“Mine.”

“Ah, my protector, shining brightly for me.” Kaeya teased.

“Not for you, I’m protecting the city from whatever you might try.”

Kaeya gasped, pressing a hand to his chest. “You wound me, my love!”

“I’ll make it physical if you don’t sit down.”

“See, that sounds like a threat, but it feels like foreplay.”

Diluc pinched the bridge of his nose. “I should’ve left you on the street.”

“Impossible,” Kaeya said, cheerily taking a seat at the bar. “Your heart’s too big. I remember that much.”

Diluc froze, eyes narrowing as his suspicions now laid very much confirmed. “You remember everything, don’t you?”

Kaeya smiled, wide and unapologetic. “Mostly. Except the part where you agreed to marry me. Must’ve slipped your mind.”

For a moment, silence. Then—

“The concussion was real. Definitely real,” Kaeya added helpfully.

“Out.”

“What?”

“Out. Now. For a month. I don’t want you stepping foot on my premises for a month at least.”

“A month? What am I supposed to do without you?”

“You’re creative. Figure it out.”

Kaeya leaned forward on the counter, pouting. “You’re banning me from my favorite place in Mondstadt?”

“It’s my tavern.”

“That’s what makes it so special!”

“Kaeya.”

Kaeya sighed dramatically, sliding off his stool. “Fine. But if I die of heartbreak, you’ll have to explain it to the healers again.”

“You won’t,” Diluc muttered, turning away to wipe an already spotless glass. “You’ll just make me wish I had.”

As he reached the door, Kaeya glanced back with that damnably smug grin. “So… just the tavern then? Not from your life?”

“Tempt me,” Diluc said without looking up.

Kaeya laughed softly, stepping out into the evening.

Adelinde, seeing Kaeya lingering around the winery for the third time in a single week, asked, eyebrow raised. “Master Kaeya, are you hurt?”

“Only emotionally.”

“Ah, so business as usual.” she chuckled

Diluc, looking from the window at the exchange, exhaled, long and quiet. “Idiot.”

A small smile on his lips before he turned around.

Chapter Text

“If I do not return from today’s expedition, please make sure to properly water my pet plant Julia.

-K”

“Another one? Why is he sending these everyday?” Charles asked, looking in concern at the growing pile of small papers accumulating in a drawer, chosen to be the victim and recipient of all of them.

“Some hand-made divine punishment, I suppose.” Diluc sighed, adding the new note to the ton. 

“Master Diluc, pardon my interference,” Charles started carefully,” but perhaps banning Kaeya from the tavern was not such a good idea after all?”

But what could Diluc do? It was either let him come back, admit defeat and be a failure of a man or keep the ban and keep on dealing with Kaeya’s daily trials and tribulations.

Both seemed like more than Diluc could chew, but at least one of them did not imply accepting defeat.

He’d never admit defeat against Kaeya.

“No.” Every inch of Diluc’s body was holding back, screaming to control himself or otherwise, he’d be unable to hold in the laughter rising in his throat, ready to succumb to defeat.

“Sir, I do not understand what the issue here is. I am a respectable wine taster from the further regions, there is no reason to deny me.” The man said.

“Kaeya you look ridiculous, remove the moustache and get out.”

“I don’t believe myself to be in the wrong.” Kaeya, looking the same as usual with the exception of a single fake ugly moustache, said with an odd sounding fake voice.

“The rule is simple. You’re banned. You don’t come in, you don’t get service.” Diluc said, tears of laughter threatening, contained only by sheer pride. Never admit defeat. Never surrender, Diluc.

“You banned Kaeya Alberich, I am not Kaeya Alberich, hence, I am not banned.”

“Ok. Who are you then?”

“Not Kaeya Alberich.”

“Congratulations. You’re banned too, ‘Not Kaeya Alberich’.”

“Well that hardly seems very fair if you ask me.”

“I didn’t ask.” Diluc paused. “And for the love of god, please take that off and talk normally.”

“Rude.” Kaeya said, yanking the moustache and shoving it in Diluc’s face. “Huh. Who would have guessed?”

“What.”

“You look horrible with a moustache.”

A flicker, a light, a flame.

And the moustache was now nothing but ashes. Quite the sight, seeing Diluc’s with a fire moustache.

“That fur around your neck is next.” Diluc said, menacingly, very menacingly - while pointing a single lit finger at Kaeya.

Kaeya grinned, his finger still hovering over the burnt remains of the moustache. 

‘I’ll admit… it did look better on you than it did me.” Diluc confessed with a resigned sigh.

“But, soft—
What light through yonder shadow burns?
It is the east, and Diluc is the sun.

Rise, fair sun, and scorch the waiting moon,
that pale and foolish thing
who lives only by thy borrowed light.
See how I fade before thee—
envy draped in silver, wanting warmth I cannot keep.

You speak not, yet your silence commands,
and even the night bends to hear it.
How cruel, that fire may be so distant,
and I, its faithful tide, must break upon your shore
again and again.

Yet see—how he leans his cheek upon his hand,
and all the world grows still.
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
to rest but a moment ‘twixt his touch and the air,
to burn, and be unmade,

and call it love.”

As Kaeya spoke, Diluc found his heart thumping a little too loudly. He could feel every eye in the tavern, but there was something… something about the way Kaeya looked so confident, so proud, that made Diluc’s breath hitch for a second. How despicable, he grumbled.

The people, in awe and admiration, erupted in cheers, much to Diluc’s dismay.

“Master Diluc, you truly are admirable.” One exclaimed, fascinated by the god-like picture that was presented of the currently very absent minded bartender.

Diluc, with a few lines drawing themselves under his eyes, just looked blankly at Kaeya, who was still holding ever so proudly a book he was reading.

A book he’d been rewriting in honor of Diluc.

Which he’d now decided to read out loud for the whole tavern to hear, now filled with people, attracted by the call of a story reading session promised by both Kaeya and Venti.

Oh, the source of all his anguish and his worst nightmares.

Diluc wordlessly slammed a bottle he’d been holding with deep emotion and quietly left the tavern by the back entrance.

As soon as he was out, he burst in a cloud of absolute embarrassment and redness.

Why is he like this? Him or Kaeya? The dark warrior or the horseless horse man?

It was unclear. Just as much as he didn’t know if he was affected by the public reading of text in his honor or the fact that Kaeya had gone off and written such things about him.

“Is Master Diluc not one for open admiration?” Kaeya popped from the door, book still in hand.

“You mean public defamation?”

“I thought it was quite romantic, that’s all.” he smiled.

“Just what bit you?”

Kaeya looked at Diluc intensely, passing a message Diluc couldn’t decipher but was sure to be important. No words, nothing. Just stare. Intensely.

“Kaeya, I beg of you not to try to wink.”

“I wasn’t going to but now that you mention it…” Kaeya grinned menacingly.

“Morax save us all.” Diluc cried out, forsaking Venti entirely — the god had failed him too many times.

Diluc sighed, rubbing his forehead as if to relieve the weight of Kaeya’s teasing. ‘I swear, if you wink at me again, I’ll—’ He trailed off, his eyes meeting Kaeya’s playful gaze, and just for a second, he forgot his annoyance.

As Kaeya finally left, he could feel the heat still lingering in his face. Embarrassment, surely. Nothing else. Definitely not… that.

“If I perish during this outing, please be sure to retrieve all my earrings for they are far too precious to take the dust.

-K”

“Absolutely not.”

Kaeya, now a diplomat with an extravagant monocle and clothing, whimpered a little (mockingly) like a hurt puppy before leaving.

“Are you out of your mind?!”

Kaeya, today dressed as a flamenco dancer with a flowy red dress and a massive flower in his hair, left in huff, clattering his heels as he stomped away.

“Kaeya, I swear to god.” Diluc said, throwing a rag at the face of Kaeya, presenting in an extremely realistic cosplay of Diluc himself.

“Hmph. Don’t tell me what to do.” Kaeya barked in a Diluc-like fashion, crossing his arms with an exaggerated frown.

“Out.” Diluc simply said, not even looking at Kaeya.

“Why, I think I look rather fabulous.” Kaeya said, a wicked grin in face. “Addie was more than happy to lend me this.”

In a cold sweat, Diluc looked up. No way he’d actually done that?!

In a matter of seconds, which were now life or death - impending doom, even - a million of very concerning, improper images flooded his mind. Rushing, running, stressing him the hell out.

And there Kaeya was, standing there nonchalantly. Wearing a simple ruffle covered white shirt and black pants. 

He put both hands on his hips before laughing with pride. “My, Master Diluc, pray tell - what did you think I was wearing?”

The man was panicking, the man was lost for words. Now what?

Diluc could feel both his eyes looking in different directions, his last willing brain cell trying to form a single reasonable thing to say.

“Surely not… GASP! A maid outfit?” Kaeya spoke, dramatically gesturing and punctuating each word.

Diluc trembled, Diluc shook, his head down, trying to hold on, trying to survive this.

Silently, he pulled out a small piece of paper and wrote with shaky hands, passion filling each word.

Quietly, he passed it onto an expectant Kaeya, hands still affected.

“If I do not survive his trial, my will only is the following;

No drop or air of alcohol goes to Kaeya Alberich or any of his iterations.

Diluc.”

It was a very peaceful afternoon; the temperature was just right, the quiet was serene and if it wasn’t exactly good for business, there were no patrons in the tavern, meaning Diluc could essentially be at ease.

And could was just a wish, since there was in fact, one patron present - rejoicing himself in his newly lifted ban after a particularly duck related costume made its appearance in his tavern a night prior.

It wasn’t a bad thing though, Diluc figured, as he polished glasses like it was the only thing a barman could do.

In a way, having Kaeya near like that, in comfortable silence was pleasant and calming.

Until he opened his mouth, of course.

“Kaeya, you’ve been scribbling in that notepad for days now. Don’t tell me you’re writing a new novel?” As in please, I’m begging you, do not rewrite a new novel for me.

“No, no,” Kaeya quickly brushed off, “I’m just conducting a study.”

“...”

“...”

“And do you plan on telling what it’s about?” Diluc said, raising a single brow, who was ready to carry the weight of his curiosity on its own.

Kaeya cleared his throat before raising the book a bit. “Observation N°27: Tuesday. Frown 9.8/10, very deep and filled with emotion. Cause: Duck costume. Overall impression: A high-quality frown.”

Kaeya lowered the book and looked at Diluc, expectant.

Diluc blinked with his concerned owl-like eyes. Once. Twice. Thrice.

“...”

Ahem, Kaeya continued, “Observation N°29: Wednesday. Facial expression: 9.9/10, quite charming when making a neutral face, would hope to see more often.”

He looked at Diluc slowly, as if testing the waters. Diluc, instead, simply put the oversensitive glass after being overpolished down, alongside with the rag he’d been holding.

Diluc pinched the bridge of his nose, taking a deep breath. “He’s writing reviews now.”

He reached for another glass, polishing it just to keep his hands busy. The reflection of Kaeya’s proud grin still lingered in the sheen.

“Only nine out of ten?” he muttered under his breath, and immediately bit his tongue in retaliation.

Never admit defeat.

Chapter Text

“A toast!” He said, raising his glass. “To our dearest Master Diluc!”

The tavern was a place Diluc often found himself in, if not most of his days of late. The musky air, the polished wood, the sound of glasses clinking, the laughter, and above all else, a memory of a legacy he wanted to cherish.

It was almost sacred, being there.

However, and very clearly, Kaeya had other plans for him.

“You did what.” Diluc said, biting every word, a percentage of his soul seeping through his eyes.

“I hid your owl somewhere, now go find it.”

“Kaeya, bring me back Lucifella right this moment.” Diluc now demanded, a motherly urge rushing in his veins.

“Sorry, can’t do.”

“Kaeya, this is owl-napping.”

“Some may call it that.” He shrugged.

“I swear to even the tip of Morax’s nose, if you don’t go and bring me back my Lucifella, I will personally find you when you least expect it and shave off your brows.” 

“Brrr, scary.” Kaeya joked, faking an inexperienced shiver in a Cryo user hypocrisy. “Well, your child might implode in…” he said looking at the imaginary watch on his not imaginary wrist, “5 hours.”

“Kaeya, I like you, I do. I tolerate you, even. Do not mess with my owl, Kaeya.”

“Ah, yes, I know, I know. Your precious child must not be bothered. Hence why I bothered her. So I suggest you go now, lest you actually are incapable of finding your kin?” 

“...” Diluc lifted his index finger, and started a tiny flame. Menacingly.

“Here.” Kaeya simply replied, nonchalantly as he tossed a poorly hand drawn map. “I made it with my left hand, especially for you.”

“You’re right handed.”

“Yes.”

“Why.”

“Why not? The hand was available, so I drew a map with it. Now, shoo.” He ushered him out of the tavern. “Go find Lucifella.”

As Kaeya watched Diluc leave angrily, clearly in a threatening manner as he had evidently crossed the ‘you do not mess with my owl’ line, he smiled, plotting, scheming, planning.

Especially after, from a few steps further, the entire Adelinde - Elzer - Charles troupe appeared, ready for the upcoming task.

“Alright, the cake is set!”

“The freshly pressed juice is ready too.”

“And the meat is ready to be grilled.”

Kaeya, both fists on his hips, looked at the ground as he shook his head, sighing.

“Well, it seems the food is ready. But would you not agree that there are other matters we must tend to?”

“Such as?” Adelinde gently asked, curious as to what Master Kaeya was referring to.

“Well, making party hats of course! And decorating.”

“Party hats?” Elzer asked, somewhat surprised. “For Master Diluc? It seems a bit…”

“Picture it with me, will you?” Kaeya said in a dramatic stance: putting one arm around Elzer’s shoulder while making a grand gesture in the air with his other hand. “A pink, frilly hat with glitter. Maybe we could even add a small drawing of a pony and a puff. On top of Master Diluc’s head. What do you think?”

“I think you might as well sign a death sentence.” Charles laughed, silently picturing a grumpy Diluc wearing a princess hat.

“I’ll grab the shovel to start digging.” Elzer added, with a compliant look towards Charles.

“Well, we would make it nonetheless.” Kaeya pouted in a corner.

“Alright, alright, settle down.” Adelinde interfered, bringing her motherly aura to the man filled table. “How about we first focus on decorating and moving the tables around, and once we finish that we start on making pretty hats for our dear Master Diluc?”

All three nodded in obedience. If anyone objected to Adelinde, it’d likely have to be a god and even that could be put into question as even Venti would’ve quietly nodded.

“Lucifella!” Diluc cried to the sky, on his knees, ripping his shirt out. Well, metaphorically, he was not that deranged. “I’ll save you! Wait for me.”

“More glitter. As my gramps used to say, glitter makes everything better.”

“You have a grandfather? I thought you were an o-” Elzer asked, surprised before losing a rib to Adelinde's elbow.

“I mean, not that I’ve ever met him but I’d like to hope he’d say good things about glitter. As my grandpa, surely it would run in the family?” Kaeya replied, pensive.

“Let’s hope not, for the sake of humanity’s well-being.” Charles sighed, as he added more glitter to a fabulous balloon.

Knock Knock

“Are we on time?” Jean said, her head slightly peeking through the door.

“You are right on time.” Kaeya smiled, as he set a new balloon on the ceiling.

“My, this sure is… extravagant. Just what a man such as Master Diluc needs.” Lise giggled, walking in right after Jean.

“And this,” Kaeya proudly added as he presented his special confection to the two women, “is my piece of honor. A hat especially made for my dearest Diluc.”

Both Jean and Lisa looked at the abomination - abomination, not because it was ugly but because it felt like a bad omen - then looked at Adelinde, who silently shook her head, then at Elzer who gestured at a nearby shovel, then a Charles who awkwardly looked away.

Then they looked at the hat again.

“Is there a reason why it’s…. so small?” Jean tried conversing, sweat dripping down the back of her neck.

“Of course!” Kaeya said, ominously petting an owl that had popped out of thin air in his hands.

“I’ll kill him.” Diluc roared, in many different ways, he roared. “No, I’ll shave off his brows and draw an ugly monocle on his eye. That’ll be more fit, he’ll never go out of his house again. Shame will consume him.”

Diluc burnt to a crisp both the map and the note found at the location the ugly and confusing map had led him to.

“To my dearest papa Luc.

It is I, your owl. Lucifella. 

I am currently in the tavern enjoying a snack.

Kisses and pecks

- Your child”

“Kaeya, prepare your brows, they’re coming to he-” Diluc yelled with the fire of a thousand suns he slammed open the tavern’s door.

“Surprise!” Everyone yelled with joy (and a bit of fear), cheering.

“If it isn’t the man of the hour, Master Diluc!” Kaeya exclaimed with a happy smile, presenting a happy pink hat wearing owl, who immediately cooed as it was placed into a dumbfounded Diluc’s hands.

“This…” Diluc said, looking down at his child, “is adorable.” He was now holding back a few tears as he pursed his lips.

Diluc wasn’t sure how or why, but he was now in the middle of a party dedicated to him, even if he didn’t really understand the occasion.

Venti was doing a sort of helicopter dance in a corner, as Adelinde, Amber and Klee cheered him on.

In another corner, Lisa was approaching a spoonful of chocolate mousse to a flustered Jean.

On the other side of the table, Elzer and Charles were having some sort of heart to heart.

And then, by him, there was Kaeya. Quietly looking at him from time to time.

Diluc put down his glory-inducing owl, and got up, taking Kaeya with him to the back of the tavern.

“Well, Master Diluc, you could’ve just told me you wanted a one on one moment with me.” Kaeya quickly teased.

“You suck at reading the room, do you know that?”

“I’ve been told I’m quite good at reading rooms Diluc, we should get more input on this.”

“Kaeya. What is this about?”

“What? Can’t I celebrate you? You are a blessing to Mond’ you know? I think it’s only fair.”

“You’re not getting out of this with your rambling. You always ask questions when you don’t want to say what’s really on your mind.” Diluc exhaled heavily. “So, what is this for? Or do you really want me to believe you made a pretend owl-napping for the sake of it?”

“Ah, nothing gets past you, Luc.” He paused briefly. “Do you know what day it is today?”

“June 21st?” 

“Right, but what could essentially be celebrated today?”

“...” Diluc looked down, taking a moment to think. “I’m not quite sure” he ended up admitting.

“June 21st, is the anniversary of the day you came back to the city after your 4 year long journey.”

“You kept the date noted?” Diluc whispered, a bit surprised.

“Of course I did, it may or not have been important to you, but it was important to me.”

Diluc stayed silent for a bit, trying to understand what was the meaning behind those words. “That still doesn’t explain why you’re throwing a party today.”

“Because I don’t want you to have to celebrate your birthday on that day ever again. I figured, maybe we could celebrate you on another day so that you'd be able to… separate certain… events?” Kaeya threaded carefully. “I did ask myself what could be the most fitting day for your new birthday. Admittedly this seemed like the only correct date.”

Diluc just looked at him, an undeciferable look on his eyes piercing the other.

“We should go back inside.” Diluc ended up saying, before dragging Kaeya back to the tavern.

“A toast!” He said, raising his glass to get everyone’s attention. His voice is loud and exaggerated.

““To our dearest Master Diluc! The light that guides us through Mondstadt’s darkest times! The man who fights fire with fire and occasionally fire with more fire! The one who carries Mondstadt on his strong, broad, manly shoulders.”

The attendees laugh at the display, and Kaeya flashes a knowing look at Diluc. He’s really leaning into it, knowing Diluc was not about to argue with him

He continues, “But most importantly, to Diluc again; whose heart burns for this city... and, secretly, for me.” He blinks, or winks. At least this time he’d avoided doing anything dead frog related. “Let’s raise a glass to the most radiant man in Mondstadt, who is too modest to admit he’s already stolen my heart. Cheers!”

As those present laugh and clinks glasses, Diluc smiles a bit, though he could definitely feel a heat rising to his ears. A very unwelcome presence.

Everyone had left. Everyone but Diluc and Kaeya who had wordlessly decided to go on a walk by Windrise together.

It was calm and the night was awfully pretty, maybe in honor of Diluc himself, Kaeya tried to joke at some point.

And maybe it was because rain belonged to them, but it started pouring intensely as they approached Venessa’s tree.

And maybe it was because rain belonged to them, that they found themselves laughing with their hearts out, as they ran to the tree. It was weird, just laughing as they soaked in rainwater.

Maybe because Kaeya had, without realizing it, put a gentle patch on a wound Diluc had not tried to take care of in his lifetime.

Even as they sat under the tree, they felt a residue of the laughs stuck in their throats.

“Well, I guess this is what I get when I’m with you. Soaking wet.”

“I will pretend you did not say that. For your own sake.” Diluc quickly replied, a small uncharacteristic smile stuck on his face. “And here I am, completely dry by your side.”

“That’s not fair, you can dry yourself off with your fire self.” Kaeya added, annoyed.

“Well, I guess that’s why Pyro is superior to Cryo.”

“Oh don’t go there, you know Cryo as far more effective-”

“If you say that just one more time.”

“...” Kaeya was quickly silenced, looking to the side in yet another pout.

“Here, give me your clothes.”

“Master Diluc, how strai-”

“Kaeya.”

“Alright, alright. But I don’t exactly feel enticed to be butt naked in the middle of a storm.” He gave in, removing his shirt.

In a simple and efficient gesture, Diluc threw his fully dried coat at Kaeya.

“You know, this coat looks better on me than you. Just saying.” He says with a wink-blink.

“Hmph.” Diluc sounds out, drying Kaeya’s clothes. Doing anything but looking his way.

Kaeya, bothered by the silence, tried fidgeting with Diluc’s coat. Not like there was much else to do, really.

“Oh? I remember this.” Kaeya added, delighted, as he pulled a small box out of Diluc’s inner pocket. “I remember you pulled this out back when that flower pot fell onto my head… Kaeya Emergency Kit?”

“...” Diluc turned away even further, unable to really look at Kaeya. Diluc was quite easy to embarrass today, Kaeya thought.

Not wanting to let go of the box, he carefully opened it, inspecting every item. There were new additions since last time; Vials, bandages, a whistle, a spare eyepatch, a piece of candy, a flower. “Ah, the perfect cure for all ailments… but mostly the ones I cause.”

He even finds a note tucked inside that reads: In case of emergency, ask Kaeya to stop being a menace. Kaeya reads it aloud, chuckling.

After playing around with the kit for a while, Kaeya grows quieter, looking at Diluc with a softened gaze. “You know... for all your grumbling, you always find it in you to care for me. I will not say it often, but it’s… special - for lack of a better word - to know you’re around.”

Diluc’s heart skips a beat, but he’s not sure whether to be embarrassed or just confused by the sudden sincerity.

“Yeah, well,” Diluc mutters, “Someone has to keep you from getting yourself killed every week.”

Kaeya chuckles, a little less flippant than before. “I wouldn’t want anyone else to do it.”

They fall silent for only a moment, as Diluc quietly finishes drying the clothes before handing them to Kaeya.

“Kae.”

“Yes, Luc?”

“Thank you.”

Kaeya’s lips stayed parted for a bit, in surprise, before a smile came through. “Anytime.”

Chapter Text

“And so, with a gallant air to him, he caught me right before I fell!” Kaeya spoke in an air of grandeur, raising his arms as he performed on a stage of his own.

“Master Diluc truly is dreamy” A man sighed in awe, hands clasped in his heart.

“Honestly, to think our land has been blessed by such a presence!” A girl proudly exclaimed.

A relatively big crowd had formed near Barbatos’s statue, all attentively listening to one man talk with full attention, as he stood in a small podium, reciting extraordinary tales to them.

“Indeed, Master Diluc is quite the praise-worthy man. I couldn’t have said it better myself.” Kaeya proudly chanted to his crowd.

“Captain Kaeya,” A young girl named Freda spoke up, still in awe, a small group of people behind her, “upon conversing with a few of my fellow admirers, we have thought of an idea which we think only you could execute.”

“Oh?” He smiled, quite pleased to see he’d converted so many people into admiring Master Diluc first, curious at the offer to come, second. He tilted as he placed a hand on his hip, a playful smile coming in. “I’m all ears.”

“Well, we have all come to deeply admire Master Diluc’s tales. They’re so full of wonders and emotion, and we want for all of Mond’ to be able to truly appreciate them, especially the way you tell them, Sir Kaeya!”

In response, Kaeya gave a curtain closing bow before smugly replying in full intrigue “A fitting conclusion, I’d say.”

“So, as a way to share your preachings, we believe we could try as a collective to host a small play - a performed retelling of Master Diluc’s adventures and dedicate it to him!”

The small crowd besides her nodded, fully excited by the prospect they had collectively prepared.

Kaeya paused, his fingers tapping his chin thoughtfully, his eyes flicking to the side. 

“Hmm… A play?” He lowered his hand dramatically and glanced around at the growing group of followers. “I must admit, this is a rather magnificent idea.”

The girl sighed in proud relief. “We’re glad you think so! And so, we were thinking; who would be a better fit to act as Master Diluc than the man who witnessed all of these tales himself?”

“Oh… that is…” Kaeya pondered a bit, leaving a suspense filled silence to the admirers, “Quite the magnificent idea. Very well, I shall to the preparations for this play.”

The young girl beamed, relishing in the positive response she’d received.

“So, how about we meet right here tomorrow? We must make sure to organize everything properly. If we are to do this, no details must be left for guessing, Master Diluc is quite the attentive man after all.” Kaeya added, serious look on his face.

“Pretty ple-ase?” Kaeya begged, a thousand stars in his eyes, his hands clasped in prayer as he used an uncharacteristically high pitched voice. “I promise it’ll just be for a bit. Of course I wouldn’t dare to compare, I don’t have your complexion, build or fiery hair which of course brings out your eyes - But! It’s really important. Oh, won’t you do this just for me? Just this once?”

“Last time I listened to your ‘plea’ I ended up having to explain to a very important business partner that you were not, in fact, my husband. The answer is no.” Diluc cut in, chewing every last bit of his well-being in the process.

“Diluc, if you don’t let me do this, I will ankle myself to your leg and cry until you agree. Diluc. I. Will. Not. Let. Go. Of. That. Leg.” Kaeya said, eye threatening. mouth flat.

“Dear Raiden Shogun…” Diluc groaned, rolling his eyes further away from Morax, who had also failed him. Now punished in a far corner alongside Bartobas.

“I’m giving you thirty seconds, otherwise be ready to drag me around all day.” 

“Kaeya.”

“One, Diluc.”

“No.”

“Two.”

“I refuse.”

“Three!” Kaeya said, lounging to grab Diluc’s leg. Almost, as he had been rudely interrupted by hand holding his forehead.

“Fine. But you’ll owe me.”

“What kind of ‘owing’ are we talking about?” Kaeya inquired suspiciously, head still being stopped by Diluc’s hand.

“Whatever I want at any given time of my choosing. Think of it as a ‘Whatever repayment I decide’ card.”

“Sure.” Kaeya quickly answered with a shit-eating grin on his face. “Now that it’s settled, onto my request. Give me your clothes.”

“You- that’s not what you asked of me.” Diluc said, defensively covering his body with his arms.

“This is exactly what I was asking. Plus, I’ll look so hot in your clothes.”

“This is why I don’t want to listen to your requests, for fuck’s sake.”

“Woah, slow down buddy.”

“I’ll actually set your brows on fire if you call me buddy ever again.”

“Clothes.”

“Please.”

“Thank you.” 

“No, I meant, say please.” Diluc said between his teeth, irritated at Kaeya’s lack of manners. Which he should have given that he had taken the lessons with him.

“And I said ‘Thank you’ for the clothes which you have yet to give me. Hop to it and undress for me, will you?” Kaeya replied, ever so ready to chew Diluc’s last strand of sanity. “I’m only asking for your very essence, Diluc. What are friends for?”

“Friends don’t strip each other that easily, Kaeya.” Diluc gave in, finding a single tear falling from his eye.

“Hmph.”

“Hmph”...

“No, you’re not doing it right.” Diluc sighed.

Kaeya turned to a nearby mirror, watching his own expression attentively.

“You’re right. I look way too happy. How pathetic.” Kaeya said, voice flat as he crossed his arms - inspecting every inch of his reflection.

“You could put your back into it.” Diluc said, judging his trainee who was admittedly doing a good enough job, but not quite perfect.

“I’ll put my back into it for you alright.” Kaeya smirked, all too happy at the open opportunity.

Bonk.

“You broke character again.” Diluc said, quite happy to be able to bonk Kaeya yet again. “You’re the one who asked me for help on method acting, try a bit harder or are you that inefficient?"

“Hmph.” Kaeya simply answered, rolling his eyes in annoyance.

“Much better.” Diluc proudly added to his new found doppelganger. “I think that’s enough for one day, make sure to pick up the tart Adelinde made for you.”

Kaeya nodded, face flat as line, as straight as a book, as blank as a sheet. “Thanks.”

“Master Kaeya, are you quite alright? You seem… rather sick.” Adelinde said in full worry, as the man entered the kitchen of the manor.

“I’m alright, thank you for your concern.” Kaeya curtly answered, face devoid of lines, flat.

“Is there a particular reason for your… demeanor?” She still pushed, a bit too concerned now.

“Mhm.” He said, nodding before going over to the tart and picking it up. “Take care.”

“...” Adelinde looked at him, confused as two maids near her interrupted.

“Miss Adelinde, did Master Diluc perhaps… go back to his antics and carnal endeavors towards Master Kaeya?” One said, shyly.

“He didn’t seem physically injured,” the second one started, “but he clearly is suffering from an internal injury. Master Diluc, yet again, shows little to no restraint.”

Adelinde opened her mouth, trying to say something, but stopped, deciding on simply saying; “Let’s go back to our duties now, girls.”

“Preach, Kaeya! Preach!” an old lady yelled from the back of the crowd.

“My, so much enthusiasm. The preparations for our play are going quite steady, I think we’ll be able to start rehearsals next week.” Kaeya said, checking a list of tasks. “Now, I think that’s all I had to announce regarding that… hm… then is there anything else you would like to discuss?”

The same little old lady in the back, holding up a worn-out candle, asks, "Can we get his autograph?" 

Kaeya, slightly confused, laughs awkwardly, “You mean Diluc? Uh, he’s not here...” 

But the lady persists, insists, "But you’re his lover man, you can get it, right?"

“I’ll see what I can do.” Kaeya replied, a bit embarrassed at the title gracefully bestowed upon him.

One follower asks Kaeya, “How do we officially become your disciples?”

Now Kaeya pauses, sweating. Huh? Disciples? 

“Well, I’m not quite sure I understand.”

A girl approaches Kaeya with a form, as if this had been the moment she’d been waiting for her entire life. This was her moment she thought to herself, nipples hardening. “Today, a few of us went to the knights registry and requests department to obtain the official form!”

Kaeya, received the paper, a bit lost, a bit confused, a bit perplexed at the intense nipples in front of him. “This is…”

“A religion and cult formalization form!” A man jumped, wanting to dance in bliss.

What the hell is going on… Kaeya could feel his brain melt, maybe it had been mush for a long time already- “Maybe this is a joke. Please tell me this is a joke. But - oh archons, I have paperwork. I’ve literally filled out forms for this.” he tried grounding himself as he looked at the document he had filled with his followers.

Name of the organization: The great following of dead red of night.

Leader: Kaeya Alberich (Profet / Preacher)

Amount of members at the time of formalization: 37

Purpose of group: Worship of Diluc Ragnvindr.

Further details on collective activity: Meetings every three days at the church plaza to collectively worship Master Diluc and tell tales in his stead.

Huh. That was right. When did he start meeting all these people in the same place, regularly, at the same hour to talk about Diluc? When did so many people join?

What the hell did they mean by cult?

No, no. This was a golden opportunity and Kaeya was not about to let this slip away from his hands.

"I think I just officially started a cult, and I’m... okay with it?” He whispered as if he was writing a corny story.

He had absolutely meant to get this started. He thought, as he finished filling the forms.

Right, right, this was his plan all along. He insisted as he walked to his office.

Obviously, he had figured it all out from the very beginning. He prayed as he presented the filled forms in the corresponding office, sealing the formalization of the collective.

And honestly? Would Diluc really despise having a cult be made in his stead that badly? Yes, yes he would. Oh was Kaeya in deep, throat fucking shit. And he was going to need a drink after all of this was done.

But better commit than to admit defeat. Plus, he had a play to finish preparing, and nothing could stop him now.

“Hmph” He grumbled, taking a serious stance. I’ll be the best Diluc Diluc has ever seen.

Chapter Text

“Sounds like he’d absolutely hate it, approved!” Kaeya said, crossing his legs while looking at the papers at his desk with a devious smile. In front of him, 10 of his most loyal cult members, now known as the 10 red dawn disciples. “What else do we have?”

“Well, we currently have our cloaks designed, and Edna, the Great 3rd disciple will be sewing them by the end of this week.” Mack, a knight, currently known  as the great second, spoke, “And our slogan has been settled…hmm, we need something grand. Something that will make everyone and anyone grovel at Master Diluc’s feet. Maybe some sort of monument… or statue.”

“Maybe we could make masks of his face to wear? We’d sure look handsome.” Edna, a nun, pondered while drooling at the idea of wearing a Diluc like face. “Ahem. This is a safe space for the unholy behaviors I am displaying, is it not?”

“Why, of course!” Venti, the ranked-first disciple, jumped in with a pride-filled voice. “And I have just gotten the most brilliant of ideas.”

“By all means, we’d love to hear it.” Kaeya, the Prophet, leaned on his desk, fully attentive.

“We have the clothes, we have the name, but what makes a great following be recognized? A chant, of course! I offer myself to compose a hymn in honor of Master Diluc, oh, our great red dead of night.”

“Why do we call him that anyways?” Luka, the great 5th replied. “I’d think of Master Diluc like more of a sunrise than the death of night.”

“He’s a closested emo, don’t overthink it.” Kaeya interrupted abruptly, remembering that very few knew of Diluc’s proclivity for the night. “Changing subjects, Venti, you do honor to your rank among the disciples! That is a wonderful idea indeed. We shall all expect it impatiently.”

“Brilliant indeed!” Fischl squeaked from the corner she’d been lurking from, “Indeed, it is I, Prinzessin der Verurteilung, the Grandiose 4th, who proclaims the Red Dead of Night as the epitome of magnificence! Truly, it is a title worthy of such grandeur!” She finished with her eccentric poise, happy to be a part of whatever the hell was this. And whatever the hell was this, was her jam.

“Well said, Prinzessin.” Kaeya chuckled, proud of his little group. “I suppose we’re all ready for the play taking place tonight? We wouldn’t want to disappoint Master Diluc, who is coming to see us himself?”

“Sir, yes, Sir!” They chanted in perfected unison.

“As a last topic for today’s meeting…” Kaeya softly spoke, putting his head on his hands with a smirk, an ominous smirk, “I believe we have yet to do the initiation ritual to our two newest recruits. How about we take care of that before parting ways?” With that, he looked over at the great 8 and 9; Klee who was more than having the time of her life and beside her, Albedo, shuddering in concerned silence.

But what choice does he have? He would not let Klee succumb to these lunatics.

“...”

“...”

“What the hell are they doing?”

“Uhm, uh… I’m afraid I cannot quite tell, sir.” Elzer said with a shaky voice while glancing at Diluc. They had both been doing rounds by the grapevines while preparing for harvest season, when they both noticed a group of people hovering by the grapes.

“...” Diluc shot a look of disgust, so expressive even his face had been surprised by the amount of traction it had to do.

“Try harder!” Kaeya shot at Albedo, wearing an owl costume while pecking at grapes Klee was throwing his way as the other members chanted religious songs. “This is the only way, Albedo. The only one. Or do you not want to keep an eye on Klee?”

For a moment, Albedo thought of the power he held, how despite his usually neutral stance, he could choose violence today. Alas, not today, Albedo. Not today.

“Should I… kick them out?” Elzer added in a frightened whisper.

“...” Diluc looked with a dignified passion at the scoundrels ravaging his grapes. “I need to take a shit.” He simply said, while turning around and back into the winery, running, rushing. A second more and he would’ve lost the one thing he’d tried so hard to preserve: His dignity.

As per the Laws of Diluc, Book 1; On Kaeya, Article 8, Section C; Thou shall not laugh in the wake of unsolicited shenanigans, for it is prone to enablement and therefore of repetition of the infraction.

And Diluc refused to give his all out belly laughter to whatever he had come across today. At least now he knew why several sections of his vines had been found oddly damaged in the last few weeks.

“Please, oh excellent Master Diluc of the Ragnvindr family, please allow me to show you the way.”

“It is quite alright.” Diluc replied, quite uncomfortable, because right now, the world seemed to be losing its mind collectively. “No need to trouble yourself.”

“Nonsense! What greater honor could there be than to give you assistance?”

Diluc wasn't even sure why he’d come anyways. Sure, he’d gotten this odd looking invitation for a play earlier that week, practically begging him to come at the threat of a potential sort of suicide pact he did not quite understand. Sure, he had conveniently a spare spot in his calendar, which was indeed very lucky for the hosts of the play, given how busy he was supposed to be. Sure, everything smelled suspicious all around. 

But what could he do now that he had actually come into the theater?

And now, here he was, gently guided by a nun towards a seat, decorated with gold and satin, in the center of the seats, the best view of the stage for him. With his name literally engraved on a gold plaque on it.

Nothing highly alerting, of course not. But maybe a little prayer could do some good. ‘Ô, Lesser Lord Kusanali, I plead with you to grant me strength and protection’ and honestly, Raiden Shogun could go to hell with Morax and Barsitobes.

As soon as he was sat, a crowd arrived to fill the rest of the room, all wearing odd clothes he felt very distraught by, even if he couldn’t see much due to the dimly lit room. At some point, noticing that most of the attendees were looking at him intently, a young man came by to provide him with a freshly pressed glass of grape juice.

“Feet massage?”

“Huh?”

“Feet massage, my Lord.” The young man insisted.

“That’s not necessary.” Diluc quickly replied, a portion of his brain melting.

“Very well.” The man replied dejected, devastated, heart broken.

The lights went off and the curtains opened, leaving room for the actors to present themselves. And the first thing he saw was, of course, Kaeya with red hair and his, his!, clothes on.

Oh.

Oh.

‘Of course. He’s wearing my clothes again. Why am I even surprised anymore? One peaceful day, that’s all I ever ask for, it cannot be too much to ask. Just one. And yet, somehow, I always end up in the middle of one of his… experiments. Kusanali, you’re on thin ice. Thin. Fucking. Ice. Buddy.

This was no good.

Even less so, for his sanity, when he noticed another actor right by red-haired Kaeya. One that was wearing a blue wig and an eyepatch. Maybe he really needed to shit again, after all.

“Elzer.”

“Yes, Master Diluc?”

“Do you know what is going on here?” Diluc said in horror, as he looked at the shirt in his hand. A shirt that had his face plastered on it. A deformed version of his face. With a written message on it. ‘Team Ragnvindr 4 life”. ‘Maybe I really have lost my last fucking marble.’ he could only think.

“I’m afraid I do not, Sir. I’ll look into it.”

“...” Diluc stared at the other side of the room towards a man he had a bone to pick with. “Thank you, I’ll wait on that then.”

“Explain.”

“Master Diluc! How lovely to see you here.” Kaeya started, opening his arms as soon as he saw him. “I was about to go look for you. You see, there’s this sweet old lady, Rosie, who’s been begging for an autograph, could you grant her one? She’s been nagging me-”

“I will be the vane of all evil of Mondstadt, for I, with my gallant beauty, cannot be defeated.” Diluc started chanting, a death gripping glare on his eyes. 

“Kaeya, it is for you my heart burns, and therefore I burn you too.” Diluc persisted. 

“My hair shines but it is not as radiant as my smile.” Diluc took a breath in and out. 

“The reason I’m better than Kaeya is because in my time as Captain, I actually had horses.”

Kaeya, looked at Diluc for a long, painful time with his eyes wide-open.

“My, I knew you’d enjoy the play, but to think you had actually managed to memorize entire segments of it. Truly impressive!”

“Kaeya, I don’t know if you found your head in the way of another innocent flowerpot or if, perhaps, you’ve eaten one too many sour grapes, but I will need an explanation.”

“...” Without a word, only a soft gaze, Kaeya took Diluc’s hand before ungloving it and laying a masculine kiss on the top of it. “You truly are a wonder, Luc.”

Ah, this little shit. Well, of course, this wasn’t a source of embarrassment. This was rather infuriating. What was he on about anyways?

“Come on, it’s late, you should go home.” Kaeya added, all too pleased with himself. He knew, as the little shit he was, that when confronted with a difficult situation, it was better to catch Diluc off-guard. And sure did, catch Diluc off-guard.

But Kaeya’s self-preservation instincts were still intact enough to know this was the right time to run away.

“They what?”

“A religion, sir.”

“No.”

“With matching robes. According to the information I found.”

“Kaeya…” Diluc said in resignation, looking over at the man who had appeared, standing by the doorframe of his office in familiar confidence.

“Don’t look at me, you’re the one they call The Red Dead of Night."

“Kaeya.”

“It’s all in good fun!”

“They built a statue!”

“Yes, and you look rather radiant in Pyro infused marble.”

“Kaeya.” Diluc groaned in partially exhausted, partially amused resignation.

“All praise our lord and savior, Diluc Ragnvindr!”