Chapter Text
In the hallway on the second floor of the castle, Sirius was leaning against the wall to calm his breathing. Remus just walked past him, pulling the completely unattractive Hufflepuff boy by the hand, pushing him into one of the more spacious secret passages behind an extremely tasteless tapestry.
He knew what would happen between them there. He knew Remus would only return to the dorm in the middle of the night, after satisfying himself several times. He would return with his face free of any indication of what might have happened; he would quietly enter the room while the others slept, would take a quick shower and then throw himself into bed with a huff of exhaustion. And Sirius would be lying in his own bed, protected by his closed curtains, filled with hatred.
But at the present moment Sirius was still in the hallway thinking about the sideways smile Remus had given him so quickly as he ducked behind the tapestry. What could Moony have seen in that boy?
Sirius didn't know his name, but he knew he was in sixth year. He had hair and eyes a little darker than Monny himself and a completely forgettable face. The only interesting thing about this no-name guy seemed to be the seemingly infinite amount of weed he kept in his pockets.
When they go on a date together, Moony returns to the common room with red eyes, slightly messy hair, and an easy smile on his swollen lips. Sirius always forgets to breathe at this sight. Moony is so handsome. And he's so jealous of that forgettable boy who was responsible for making Remus look like this. Hates anyone who has ever touched their lips to Remus's.
Green with envy he runs to the library to catch the last few minutes it's open to do some quick research.
—
“I think someone left the fireplace burning all night with the windows closed.”
“If that's what happened, the person is a complete idiot!” It was a high-pitched, almost childish voice. Probably a first- or second-grader.
As the four marauders walked downstairs to breakfast, they heard familiar voices complaining loudly among other conversations. The entire room was filled with heavy, gray smoke that made it difficult to see and breathe freely.
“Bloody hell! Why is the smoke not coming out?” Lily yelled from atop a bench as she reached to open the higher windows.
“Even the Fat Lady is choking!” Marlene said as she stood in front of the portrait. "Damn, I washed my hair today. Now it's going to stink all day long." Mary's voice was high and tearful, but Sirius couldn't tell where it was coming from.
Peter began coughing incessantly. "Let's get out of here and talk outside before someone dies of lack of air in here." James spoke in a muffled voice; perhaps he had his hand over his mouth. They all stumbled out into the hallway, but it wasn't any better there, so they decided to talk in the main hall - which to the surprise of the group (almost the entire group) was equally smoky.
The castle seemed to have come out of a particularly confusing dream; the candlelight seemed like small, powerless fireflies, and the sun's rays weren't providing much help. Remus stepped on James' foot, who stepped on Lily's foot, who ended up pulling Marlene's long hair by mistake; Mary and Sirius laugh. The only reason the group of friends even make it to the hall is because they know the path they have walked for 7 years very well.
They headed to the Gryffindor table, bumping into other students and muttering quick apologies. Sirius caught a glimpse of the tip of McGonagall's hat and some other teacher at the end of the hall.
“Does no one really know what happened?” James asked as he sat down at the table.
"How are we supposed to see what we're eating?" Peter said, banging his knee on the bench as he sat down. He groaned softly at the pain.
“No need to worry, Wormy. Everything is food anyway. It won’t kill you to mix jelly with beans.” It was Monny’s calm voice; Peter made a sound of disgust.
“Will the teachers be able to sort this out before I lose my way to class and end up stumbling back into my bed?” Sirius spoke aloud for the first time that morning. He spoke with as much innocence as he could muster. After all, this whole mess was his fault.
Sirius felt like he was on cloud nine (super polluted and dirty clouds, but on cloud nine!). The first part of his plan had worked! Now all he had to do was keep an eye on the Hufflepuff table for when his target arrived. This part is the hardest, since he couldn't look up the boy's name on the Marauders' map for the simple reason that Sirius refuses to learn the name of a person he despises.
“At least pretend you’re not so happy, Sirius,” Lily said in a distant voice. Had she sat too far away from him? Sirius didn't care and continued spreading what he thought was jam on a slice of bread.
"We could use the smoke to plant some fart bombs." Sirius could hear Peter talking with his mouth full. James immediately perked up and started pitching ideas for where to place the bombs. At least they got to sit next to each other.
Sirius didn't take his eyes off the hall door. He made every effort known to identify the incoming shapes; until he managed to identify the short boy with brown hair. He was nothing more than a shadow, but Sirius managed to identify a yellow tie and had memorized the strange movement of the Hufflepuff boy's feet. Didn't his parents teach him to lift his feet when he walked?
Taking advantage of everyone's lack of vision, he cast a quick spell that made the boy's clothes wrap around himself. With his arms tucked inside his robes he began to half-walk, half-hop awkwardly towards a vague direction of where his table should be. But before anyone could help him, Sirius made a small fire in the boy's hair - to be clear, it was the top of his head that was on fire, not actually his hair. A small floating fire, harmless if no one touches it or if it doesn't touch anything flammable.
Anyways, the boy got desperate and ended up falling over the table and spilling some plates of food; taking some unprepared students to the ground. If he liked his joints so much, he'd just become one. Wrapped tightly in his robes, tip blazing and smoke swirling around him, Sirius found it poetic, actually.
Chaos quickly began. His friends were looking at the mess without really understanding what was going on. The boy was screaming, the sound of dishes falling, the footsteps of curious students were heard, and loud conversations spread throughout the tables.
“The boy who is on fire, is it Daniel?” Moony asked, suddenly standing up, tripping over his own feet. Bollocks, Sirius discovered the name of the dull boy.
The floating bonfire that was Daniel fell to the ground again, after trying to get up – screaming his head off. Hands whose owners Sirius couldn't identify were throwing drinks in his direction. They tried to throw it towards the boy but the smoke confused their senses and Sirius could hear the sound of liquids falling to the ground, most of which didn't hit Daniel. And the fire continues unconcerned
He felt drops of juice on his cheek. Some teacher was talking loudly. James got up probably to try and help the joint boy but went in the wrong direction and ran into Moony.
Fruits were thrown into the air; Sirius knew this because some apples fell on his head. They were coming from the direction of the Slytherin table. Brats. Sirius silently wished someone had thrown a goblet of water at Snape, Merlin knew he needed a bath so badly. Looking at his greasy hair every morning made Sirius feel sick to his stomach.
“Go under the table, there are bananas flying!” It was Marlene shouting. She was definitely talking to Lily and Mary. Sirius didn't want to hide yet, even if bananas fell on his head. He wanted to see the boy scream just a little longer.
In the midst of all the confusion and shouting, Professor Flitwick undid the spell Sirius cast on Daniel, putting out the fire and untying him from his own clothes. Sirius lost sight of him. Pity. Then he turned his attention to the bread in his hands, and an apple that had fallen into his lap. Without the fire, his colleagues seemed to have calmed down a bit.
"All of you, please return to your common rooms carefully. Professor McGonagall will help you safely up the stairs. Don't run, and form a single line. Classes are suspended until the smoke clears." Professor Flitwick's dull voice was probably enhanced by a spell.
Sirius felt a hand clasp his, it was James's hand for sure, guiding him to form the line. Before he could move too far away, he felt another strong hand on his shoulder. Sirius looked up, but already knew it was Moony's hand; his bright golden eyes would still be easy to recognize in the pitch black. Sirius felt his legs tremble; he loved it when Moony touched him.
The long line took up the entire hall and formed round and round; the teachers organized it as best they could. The students held each other's hands, or shoulders, or robes; the smoke was thick and no one wanted to lose their friends.
The Slytherin students also lined up, not to climb the stairs, but to reach the dungeons together. Professor McGonagall was waiting for the stairs to reach the right place to allow the students to pass, so that no one ends up falling. It took almost 40 minutes for the Marauders and the girls to reach Gryffindor Tower;
And when they got there they found students who had not even come down in the first place, afraid of the treacherous stairs.
“I'm going to go up to my bed, there's no smoke in my room and I still want to sleep a little longer.” Sirius spoke as he headed towards his own dorm - a victorious smile on his face. From the top of the stairs he could hear the marauders saying goodbye to the girls and joining him.
___________
After Sirius woke up in the middle of the afternoon, still wrapped in sleep, he heard his friends' conversation.
“If my head were on fire I would freak out too.”
“Anyone would freak out if their head was on fire, Pete,” James said from his bed. “I just couldn't understand why the only head on fire was Moony's new boyfriend.” Sirius almost felt sick when he heard the word ‘boyfriend’.
“Daniel is not my boyfriend.” Remus replied defensively. “And I also don't think his head was actually on fire, I think it was more like… fire floating very close to his head.”
“Do you know what I think?” Sirius said, jumping out of bed. "I think this is a unique opportunity for pranks! Let's get the map and go along with Wormy's plan to plant fart bombs all over the castle. It's going to be so much fun! It's been a while since the Marauders got together for a mission.” Remus and Peter nodded and were already getting up, but looking in James' direction, they could already tell he was considering another option.
“What’s wrong?” Sirius asked as he searched for the map that was under his pillow.
“I actually wanted to pop into the dungeons quickly to check on Reg.” James said with an apologetic expression on his face.
"My brother is fine, James. Don't worry, he's already quite a big boy." Sirius said, rolling his eyes in the most dramatic way possible.
“I know, Pads, but I haven't spoken to him all day. And I need to check on my boyfriend. It'll be super quick. I promise!”
“Urgh! Gross, every time you remind me of that, my stomach gets upset.”
Peter and Remus laughed as they filled Pete's bag with fart bombs.
"I'll just stop by quickly and meet you guys. You have the mirror, right? I'll let you know when I'm on my way back and meet you wherever you are." James spoke, approaching and tucking a lock of Sirius's hair behind his ear with a dimpled smile. James knew the effect that smile had on everyone on the planet.
Remus, Peter, and Sirius ran through the castle planting bombs in bathrooms, classrooms, and looking for particularly unbearable paintings scattered around the school. The lack of vision only made it all the more fun. They had a great time in a way they hadn't had in a long time. When James arrived, everything was complete. They would probably never again have the opportunity to run around the school so freely.
He was having so much fun that he almost forgot that less than a day ago Moony was fucking someone else. But that was okay, eventually Sirius would make Moony his boyfriend and no one else's.