Archive of Our Own ^beta

“I can’t believe this is how I’m going to die,” Shauna thought bitterly.

Callie was still holding the knife in her stomach, visibly shaken by what she had done. The girl was looking wide-eyed at the knife, slowly dragging her eyes to her mom’s face.

“I—” She started and tried backing out, taking the knife with her and out of Shauna’s body.

Shauna cried in pain, bringing her hands to cover the wound that bled profusely. Huffing, she glared at her daughter.

“Fuck, Callie… You shouldn’t take it out!” Shauna reprimanded and started moving to the kitchen, to search for something— anything that could help stop the bleeding. “This is like rule nº 1 for a stabbing wound. Everyone knows that!”

She didn’t have time to make it to the kitchen, though, because she felt a sharp pain in her left shoulder. Crying in pain again, she looked over her shoulder and saw wide blue eyes looking at her. “She fucking stabbed me again?”

Callie took the knife out again, and when Shauna turned to her, to ask her to stop, to ask her why, the girl stabbed her one more time in the stomach. “Yep, she did stab me again.”

Shauna gasped and stumbled back, hitting the wall. The knife stayed in her body this time. She looked at it, not fully understanding why this happened.

She was trying, but she couldn’t make the blood stop pouring out of her. She looked like one of those animals she depleted of their blood in the wilderness…

She let out a bitter laugh.

Looking at Callie, she raised an eyebrow in question.

“You’re a cancer, mom.” Callie starts explaining, shrugging. Voice hoarse and cracking, but firm. “When you don’t kill the people closest to you, you make them just as bad as you.”

Shauna laughed again, humorless.

Her body starts losing strength, and she slowly starts going down, still glued to the wall. “This is going to stain the wallpaper,” she thinks, glaring at Callie like she’s a bad child.

When she finally hits the floor, her head rests against the wall, and she closes her eyes.

“Unfortunately for you, I think you’re exactly like me,” Shauna says and opens an ironic smile to the ceiling.

She can hear Callie huffing dismissively, but she knows this hit a nerve in her daughter.

Opening her eyes, she looks her daughter in the eyes and sighs.

“But you do look a lot like Jackie sometimes…” Shauna comments and then takes her last breath, while Callie averts her eyes, unsure of herself.

Shauna's eyes snap open, but an intense white light blinds her. Groaning, she closes her eyes and hides her face in her hands.

“I’m in heaven? This can’t be possible…”

Taking deep breaths, she separates her fingers slightly to start getting used to the light, and at this moment, her ears adjust to her environment.

She can hear Liz Phair’s ‘Supernova’ coming out of the stereo of her car. She can hear birds singing outside the vehicle. She can hear sprinklers working, watering the lawns.

Confused, she finally drops her hands from her face and looks around. She’s in her old Ford Festiva, just outside of Jackie’s house. She is wearing her red and blue flannel with a black and white striped t-shirt. Her diary is on her lap, open with her teen misery scrabbles exposed.

“What the actual fuck?” She blurts out.

Oompf.

She jumps at the noise and looks outside, seeing Jeff running away after getting down from Jackie’s room. His dumb face looked at her, their shared betrayal hanging from his shoulders.

She ignores his running away silhouette and looks back at the house, staring at the white wooden door with all her might.

She remembers this day. Remember, because it’s the day Allie gets her leg broken, and she feels guilty about it. Guilty for not telling Jackie, guilty for not stopping Taissa.

And then, she finally sees her opening the door and coming out. She stops breathing, and Jackie walks in the direction of the car with all the confidence in the world. Dark blond hair bouncing with every step she takes, a small smile playing on her lips.

When Jackie enters the car and closes the door, it’s when Shauna starts breathing again, smelling her distinct flowery perfume in the air. She keeps looking dumbstruck at her best friend, not moving and not starting the car.

“Shauna?” Jackie asks, weirded out. “What? I have something in my face?” She groans and opens the sun visor to look at her own face.

Shauna blinks stupidly and moves robotically, starting the car and driving to school. She didn’t even need to think about where she was going, too used to this route. Even after all those years…

Jackie keeps talking and talking and talking, but Shauna can’t really hear her— and she already knows and still remembers everything she says. Jackie changes the song to take a rise out of Shauna, but the girl just keeps driving in complete silence. Jackie honks, opens her window, screams about the boys' team and how the Yellowjackets are going to Nationals.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” Shauna thinks, feeling wrecked. If she averts her eyes to look at Jackie, she feels like she’s going to crash that car.

When they stop at their school, Jackie huffs and stops Shauna from getting out of the car. Shauna jumps at the contact.

“Jesus, Shauna!” Jackie says, taking her hand back. “What’s up your ass this morning?”

“Jackie—” Shauna tries to say something, anything, but nothing comes out of her mouth.

“What?” Jackie snaps and raises her eyebrows. “You’re annoyed about Jeff?”

Shauna chokes and starts coughing.

“Look…” Jackie sighs. “I know I said I would avoid distractions, but… I decided that showing up to college as a virgin is a mistake.” She shrugs and grimaces at herself. “No offense.”

Shauna frowns, simply looking at an increasingly annoyed Jackie. After a few beats, she starts laughing hysterically.

“What—” Jackie tries, but she starts laughing too. Shoving Shauna weakly, she shakes her head. “Stop it!”

“Oh my god, Jackie!” Shauna wheezes. “This is so dumb!”

Jackie abruptly stops laughing, seeming self-conscious.

Shauna slowly stops laughing, gulping for air and crying a little. She hasn't laughed so carefree like this since… “Fuuuuuuuck.”

“You don’t need to call me dumb, you know?” Jackie murmurs, looking at her hands in her lap.

“I didn’t…” Shauna stops herself and watches Jackie for a few seconds. “You’re so pretty today.” She says out of nowhere, changing the subject. “I had forgotten how pretty you really were.”

Jackie’s eyes snap to Shauna’s, wide with shock. But after processing everything she said, her eyes became curious.

“Were?”

Shauna shakes her head and takes a deep breath, turning her body to Jackie.

The school parking lot is slowly becoming empty and the murmur of the teenagers going to class is getting distant. Just the low music of Shauna’s car stereo keeps them company now.

“I have a lot to say to you. A lot of things you’re not going to like to hear. You’re going to hate me, but—”

“I could never hate you.” Jackie interrupts Shauna with a whisper, her eyes impossibly soft.

Shauna gives her a small smile and puts her hand inside Jackie’s, intertwining their fingers.

“I know,” Shauna says, squeezing Jackie’s fingers and keeps going. “You really are going to hate me, Jackie. But… but I need you to know that I love you.” Shauna can see Jackie gulping. “I really do. More than… best friends.”

Jackie stays quiet, looking between Shauna’s dark eyes, face unreadable.

“It’s okay. You don’t need to answer me right now. I think we have time.” Shauna reassures her and starts disentangling her hand from Jackie’s, but the girl holds it tightly.

Jackie abruptly approaches Shauna and, with one hand, holds her face and kisses her.

Shauna’s eyes close immediately and she sighs contentedly, feeling all of her muscles relaxing at the same time. “I remember now… I remember how kissing Jackie felt.”

Jackie is all around her and Shauna couldn’t feel more at home. This is where she should’ve been all her life. She belonged here. In Jackie’s perfume, in Jackie’s gravity.

When Jackie smiles into the kiss, Shauna uses this to deepen it, the blond girl happily obliging.

After a while, they part and their foreheads rest against one another. Both with ragged breathing and dumb smiles.

“I love you too, you big idiot,” Jackie whispers against Shauna’s lips.

Shauna laughs and kisses her hard, just for a moment. Jackie giggles happily.

“You will not believe it… But my daughter killed me.”

“Wait… What?!”