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It’ll be fun, they said. Hermione Granger bit the inside of her cheek, bracing one hand against the window to her right while gripping the flimsy seat padding beneath her with her left. She struggled to maintain her balance, finding it increasingly difficult to keep from careening off her seat and crashing to the floor.
We’ll all have a great time, they said, she repeated the colloquialism in her head as another abrupt stop-and-go lurch had her smacking her hand against the window pane.
“It’ll be fun, they said. We’ll all have a great time, they said. A fantastic team building experience, they said,” she grit out from between clenched teeth. A sickening wave of nausea rose in her throat, the train–failing, yet again, to execute a smooth forward motion–not helping in the slightest. “When I find whomever they is precisely, I’m going to give them a piece of my mind.”
“Talking to yourself? That’s a bad sign.”
Hermione shut her eyes, breathing deeply and summoning every last molecule of patience she possessed in an attempt to completely ignore the new arrival to her compartment.
“Oh, but not responding to someone actually talking to you. That’s even worse,” he tsked.
“Go away.”
“Ah, that’s better!” he chirped, clapping his hands with exuberance. “I was worried that you’d lost the plot, jabbering to yourself like a Janus Thickey patient.”
“Not today, Satan.” Hermione turned her face away from the door.
“Satan? Is that the one the Muggles claim rides on a sleigh and passes out parcels on Yule?” A wicked dimple popped in his cheek.
“That’s Santa, you ridiculous cretin.”
“You say potato, I say—”
“Theo.” She warned, sucking in a sharp breath, narrowing her eyes at him. If looks could kill…
“Ah, yes, lovely. You remember who I am. That’s also a plus.” He smiled, tapping his index finger against his temple, looking entirely too amused at her expense.
“You may not think so when I remember that you’re to blame for this entire fiasco.”
“Moi?” He pouted, “What did I do?”
“Theo,” she repeated. “Get. Out. Go away.” Succinct and sharply enunciating her consonants, Hermione released the cushion beneath her to push her thick chestnut curls away from her clammy forehead. She tucked her hair behind her ears, and then waved the same hand in front of her face.
“Oh,” Theo tutted, “you poor little lion, it is rather warm in this compartment. Did you forget how to cast a Cooling Charm?”
Hermione turned to pin him in her aggravated stare. “If you don’t leave me be, I’m going to forget how to be professional and instead be sick all over your—are those Dra—dragon-hide boots?”
“Another point in your favor, you clearly still recognize quality footwear. But why are you acting professional…that doesn’t sound the least bit—”
“Quality footwear? Theo,” she interrupted what was sure to be another meandering monologue before pausing to suck in another steadying breath. “If I gave even the remotest shite, I’d ask why are you wearing boots that probably legitimately cost more than my entire wardrobe? But I don’t, so I’m not.”
Theo covered his ears with a loud gasp. “Did the Brightest Witch of the Age just curse?”
“Not yet, but if you take one step further into this compartment, you’ll find out just how skilled with a wand I am.”
“And you recognise the boots?”
“What? No.” Hermione scoffed, swallowing hard as she looked away.
“Hmmm, right.” Theo teased. “Just like I’ll deny this conversation ever happened when they come asking if they should dock your Order of Merlin for saying bad words and threatening to curse innocent men.”
“Innocent? Bah.” Hermione groaned and pressed the side of her face against the window, allowing the cold condensation to leach into her skin.
“Now that’s just sad, Granger. Here you sit, all alone. No dragon-hide boots on your feet. No Cooling Charms.” Theo winced, then clucked his tongue, leaning in conspiratorially. “Are they not paying you enough in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures? Merlin, that’s a mouthful, isn’t it?”
“Stop it. You do not get to make a penis joke to me right now?” she whispered furiously, lifting her face away from the glass to glare at him. Her cheeks reddened with a vibrant flush.
“Penis joke, me? I would never…but since you’ve brought it up.” He grinned, waggling his thick brown eyebrows.
Hermione groaned, dragging one hand over her face before waving him off. “Go away. And take your fifty thousand Galleon boots with you.”
“Now who’s highly exaggerating, hmm?” He kicked one ankle over the other, looking down at the boots before smirking at her from under the flop of his dark wavy hair.
The colour of her earlier blush drained from her face as the train tried once more to pick up speed. “Find someone else to pester.”
“But you’re my favorite Ministry employee. I—”
She barked out a laugh, and then pressed her hand to her stomach. “I’m your favorite Ministry employee? Don’t let the love of your life hear you say that.”
“You wound me.” His blue eyes glittered as he affected a look of put-upon innocence. “You’re my favorite Ministry employee in this compartment anyway.”
Hermione huffed and rolled her eyes. “This is ridiculous, tell me again, why did we have to ride this rickety train when we could have easily Portkeyed in?”
“I thought it’d be quite obvious…”
“Humour me.”
“I usually do.” Satisfaction deepened the dimple flashing in his cheek.
“Ugh,” she grimaced. “Nevermind. I do not care.”
“Well, if you must know, it was so I’d have an excuse to wear these boots when we start the hike.”
“Hike? No one said anything about a hike!”
Theo exaggerated his shock, placing his hand over his heart dramatically. “Why Granger, I’m…aghast. You can’t just Portkey in at the top. It’s a whole experience! Didn’t you read the…”
“Says who?” She shifted her full attention towards him, hostility radiating from her tense body.
“Well, I mean, everyone. They all say that.” Theo adjusted his posture, leaning against the compartment door, like he was the very picture of relaxation.
“Ugh!” Hermione huffed in irritation. “And again, if I ever meet They… They are going to get a piece of my mind. Several pieces, in fact.” Exasperated, she’d thrown both arms up and at that very second, the train picked up speed and she was flung off-balance, pitching to the window-side of the car and then forward with a strangled yelp.
“Merlin’s pants, Granger,” Theo said, jumping towards her with a steadying hand to prevent her from falling face-first on the trolley car floor. “Get it together, woman. You can’t just be falling at my feet. It’s not proper.”
Hermione growled, snatching her arm away from Theo and repositioning into the corner of the seat with her feet wider apart, trying to widen her base of support.
“Steady on, no need for all that.” He continued, waving his hand with a faux look of disapproval.
The furrow between her brows deepened, annoyance rattling in her throat as she glared at him. Her left eye twitched as she exhaled through pursed lips. “Don’t Avada the Chaos Gremlin. Don’t Avada the Chaos Gremlin…”
“In just this one instance”–he held up a lone finger–“I’m going to recommend you listen as you babble to yourself.” He batted his long, dark eyelashes at her with a distinct lack of modesty. “Because I’m too pretty to die.”
She advanced on him with a jerky motion, both hands reaching for his lapels and he yelped, jumping out of her range and positioning himself opposite her on the backward-facing seat. “Theo!” she groaned. “If you don’t get out, I’m going to forget that you’re in a loving relationship with my best friend!”
“Rude.” He snorted, then let his jaw hang open. “Same.”
She hiccuped and slapped a hand over her mouth, exhaling hard through her nose.
“I think this is the part where I’m supposed to tell you that you look good in green, but…” Theo stretched the word until it had approximately twenty-five letters instead of three and scrunched his face up, shaking his head with a wince. “People aren’t meant to be that ghastly shade of chartreuse.”
“Go!” she ordered.
“Aww, come on, Granger, don’t make me go sit someplace else. Your car is…” he tapered off, looking around the outdated car. “Well, to be honest, it’s depressing as hell, but I don’t feel right leaving you all alone here…and being as though I’m in it to win it… Yes, I think I will stay right here. Where is my better half, anyway?” He leaned to one side, reaching into the front pocket of his trousers and as surreptitious as Theo ever was, once he confirmed that they were alone and no one was going to happen upon them, pulled out a vial.
“Harry went to the dinner car to get something to eat. What’s that?” Hermione squinted as he pinched the vial between his fingers and held it up to the light coming in the window.
The dark green potion shimmered inside the glass until Theo gave it a hard shake, and it morphed to a violent magenta. “Tut tut, come now, this is an easy one.” He shook it again, confirming to himself that it was properly mixed. “Ol’ Sevvy would be horrified that you didn’t immediately recognise it, but with you being number three in his class…”
“Pfft,” she intoned. “The only reason I wasn’t number one in Potions was because Professor Snape gave you and Malfoy preferential treatment.”
“Right because none of our other professors ever gave Gryffindors preferential treatment.”
“Are you having me on? Do you really think I didn’t deserve to be top of our class and first in our year?”
“I said no such thing.” Theo disagreed with a firm back and forth of his head. “Now, bottoms up.” He tossed the vial in her general direction, and she lunged to grab it with both hands before it smashed on the floor.
“Theo!” she hissed, fumbling it with both hands as she remained half-crouched on the floor. “Are you out of your mind?”
“No. I leave the crazy to the professionals.” He winked, and tucked his hands behind his head, sprawling out on his seat. “Did you forget you’re a witch and can Leviosa things?”
“What did I ever do to deserve this?” Hermione lamented, tipping her face up towards the ceiling, and pushing up from the floor before falling back into her former seat with a loud, “Oof!” She leaned to the side, pressing the side of her face against the window again, relishing the extreme temperature difference on her skin.
“You’re just lucky, I guess.” Theo grinned, wiggling into a better position for comfort. After another quick glance at their compartment door, he Accio-ed his wand from his pocket and Transfigured both of their cushions to a decadent level of plush before placing the previously-mentioned Cooling Charm over them both.
Hermione rolled her head back and forth on the glass, not commenting on the immediate improvement in her comfort.
“Seriously though, you should give that vial another shake and drink it. Wiggenweld Potion isn’t stable for too long after activating it, and I’d much appreciate not having to ride the rest of the way with the smell of your sick thickening our air.”
“You know, there’s a perfectly acceptable solution to not breathing my air…” She leveled another disdainful look in his direction and then pointedly stared at the door. After several seconds of silence, she huffed and popped the stopper from the vial, drinking down the contents in one swallow.
“And deprive you of the pleasure of my company? I would never live it down. Did you hear me when I said I’m in it to win it. Obviously if we all work together, there’s no way we lose.”
“Aguas Calientes. Water dance?” Theo butchered the Spanish words and translation, narrowing his eyes at the sign branching left of the train station platform.
“Water dance? How did you come up with that?” Hermione shoved Theo away when he crowded into her space.
“Aguas…water. Calientes… ¡olé!” He struck a flamenco pose, chest puffed out and arms curled over his head with dramatic flair.
“Oh my God,” Hermione mumbled, grabbing his arm and wrenching it down. “Stop that, we’re not supposed to be attracting any unnecessary attention. Have you ever even heard of the Statute of Secrecy?” She hissed, dragging him away from the Aguas Calientes sign onto a slightly less crowded section of the platform.
“Let’s be honest, my main selling point is always attracting unnecessary attention.” He flexed a bicep and blew an air kiss at a Muggle couple staring slack-jawed at him.
“Have you completely lost your wits? I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.”
“Talk you into this? This was your bloody idea in the first place.”
Theo and Hermione bickered back and forth while more passengers disembarked behind them pushing them closer together again.
“My idea? Are you completely mental?”
“No, as we’ve already established, I’m in complete control of all of my faculties, thank you very much. You’re the one who ran into the Three Broomsticks like someone had set a first-edition History of Magic on fire, waving the Prophet in your hand like it was a cure for Spattergroit.”
“I most assuredly did not.”
“Well, actually, you did rather look like you were…”
Hermione raised her finger, whirling toward him so fast she became a bit dizzy. “Harry James Potter! I’ll have you know, I did no such thing. Also, hi! Where were you?”
“Right, of course not.” Harry agreed, putting his hands up in the universal symbol of submission, winking at Theo. “I was getting some food, remember?”
“Nott.” The crisp bite of a greeting had the aforementioned man spinning around on his heel to acknowledge it. “Potter. Granger.” He dipped his chin with each name.
“Malfoy! Ah, so good of you to make it.” Theo smiled toothily.
“So good of me to make it? I rode the same train as you, we were in the same compartment before you told me you needed to use the loo and never returned.”
“Oh, right…that.” Theo nodded sagely.
“Oh, right…that? I’m glad to see you’re still alive.” Draco rolled his eyes.
“Only because I have a healthy fear of Azkaban,” Hermione coughed into her hand.
“All right there, Granger?”
“I knew it!” Theo crowed, with a millionaire smile. “You admitted it, you love me.”
“I did no such thing.” Draco staggered backwards a few paces as Theo spread his arms wide.
“You did ‘no such thing’. Ah, I feel like I’ve heard this before.” Theo snickered, pointing at Hermione. “Bring it in, big guy!”
“What are you doing; have you completely lost your mind? Get away from me!” Draco smacked at Theo’s outstretched hands.
“Well, if two of us think so, it must be true.” Hermione smothered her grin at Draco trying to put a stop to Theo’s shenanigans. She threaded her arm through Harry’s. “Oh, look, uh, let’s go…away from here.”
The pair of best friends made quick work of their escape, attempting to blend in with the few groups that began the steep trek upwards.
“Theo, I’m being so serious right now, stop this madness.” Draco held his hand up in Theo’s face.
“No, no, no-no, no.” Theo shook his head in certain disagreement. “You can’t be Sirius, you’re far too blond and uptight. Sirius is a right fun bloke, if any one of us gets to pretend to be Sirius, it would obviously be me.”
“What?” Draco asked incredulously, failing to follow along with Theo’s railroaded train of thought.
“Tell him, Granger. Obviously, I’m the only candidate to be Sirius Black’s fill-in.” Theo spun back to look at the spot where Harry and Hermione had been only moments before. “What…where’d they go?”
“You scared them off with your lunacy,” Draco deadpanned.
“Hmm, rude.” Theo huffed, pivoting back to give Draco his undivided attention. “No matter, I know whose bed the Chosen One will be in later.”
“Oh, ew, stop.” Draco’s eyes pinched closed with his grimace. “I’m going to be sick.”
“Hmm,” Theo hummed again, skeptically eying his friend. “Must be something contagious, Granger was sick on the train too.”
“Will you stop saying, ‘hmm’ like you’re some Neanderthal cretin.”
“Cretin…hmmm!” He exaggerated the sound effect to the point bystanders turned to look at them.
“Ugh,” Draco scoffed.
Theo smiled, looping his finger in front of him, drawing an imaginary circle over Draco’s face. “I see you.”
“I should hope so, you’re standing close enough to rebreathe my air.” Draco swatted at Theo’s hand again, taking another step backwards.
“Let’s go, lover boy.” Theo hooked his arm around Draco’s neck and began to drag him in the direction that Harry and Hermione had disappeared in.
“Theo. I very much am supportive of your lifestyle, but I feel it necessary to reaffirm that I am just not into you.” Draco side-eyed Theo who had begun to whistle the Hogwarts’ school anthem as they wound their way through couples and families and other scattered groupings staggered along the path.
“Lucky for you, I’ve got a thing for messy Gryffindors.”
Draco didn’t respond, just kept putting one foot in front of the other, staring ahead at the mountain path rising in front of them.
“A-ha!” Theo sang. “I saw that. I saw that look!” He pointed at Draco’s face, looking entirely too smug.
“I have no idea what you’re referring to, but maybe instead of looking at me, you should pay attention to where you’re walking.” Draco chuckled as Theo tripped and double-stepped awkwardly to avoid falling on his face.
“Whatever, tosser, you’re so gone for Granger…the least you could do is say thank you.”
“Not this again.”
“Not what again? I have eyes you know. I could help you.” Theo lost the air of complicit camaraderie when he tripped again.
“Help me? Maybe you should be less worried about me and more worried about staying on your feet.” Draco smirked as Theo bounded back up to his feet. “Have you been drinking?”
“No, but that’s a stellar idea. Let’s gather the troops and go back to that Aguas Calientes place,” Theo again, completely annihilated the pronunciation. “I could really go for some Water Dancing right about now.”
Draco’s sharp bark of laughter spooked a flock of green-and-white hummingbirds and brought them both to a halt as they watched them spiral up and around before zipping away. “You and I both know that Aguas Calientes,” Draco enunciated with a perfect accent, “translates to ‘hot springs’.”
Theo nodded with a grin, “Right, but I wasn’t going to proposition your girl like that. I do have some morals.”
“She’s not—”
“Save it.” Theo elbowed him.
“Wait a second, are those my boots?”
Theo’s delighted cackle rang out over the hiking trail as he began to run. “Now I’m completely sure of it. She noticed my boots too.”
“Get back here, you little thief!”
“I will not. Mock-oo Pinch-you, I’m coming!” Theo’s laugh followed him as he loped ahead.
Draco did not chase. It wasn’t his way. But he did speed up a bit when he caught sight of a swotty Gryffindor stopped a short distance in front of him all alone.
“Fancy meeting you here.”
“Stop,” she murmured, trying to conceal her smile. “They’re right up there. They’ll see us.”
Theo was stopped dead center of the trail, hands on his knees, practically wheezing from the exertion. “This is it for me. Is the air getting thinner? Kiss me, Potter, I may not live to see the morn.”
Harry laughed, leaning in and pulling Theo upright before lightly kissing him on the lips.
“Hmm, yes, that’ll do. Do it again, I need a couple more kisses to ensure my survival.” Theo chuckled against the other man’s mouth. “Don’t stop what you’re doing, but can you see them?”
“Mm-hmm,” Harry laughed as Theo grabbed onto his shoulders.
“Don’t let them see you’re looking,” he whispered.
“It’s kind of difficult when you’re stopped in the middle of the path here, love.” Harry brushed Theo’s hair from his forehead.
“Why, I never.” Theo gasped, smacking Harry on the shoulder. “Propositioning me in broad daylight. I don’t know what you’ve been told but I’m a good man.”
“Yes, you are.”
“Mock—oo. Pinch you!” Theo grabbed a handful of Harry’s arse with a solid pinch and then spun in a full circle, clocking where Draco and Hermione were still stopped, staring at each other before dancing out of Harry’s reach.
“I think they’ve figured us out.” Draco’s eyes drifted down to Hermione’s mouth.
“Well, if they haven’t yet, you looking at me like that will be a dead giveaway,” Hermione whispered before resuming the hike. “Behave yourself.”
“It’s just so much fun to mess with him.”
“I agree.” Hermione laughed over her shoulder.
“What do you agree with?” Theo asked, walking backwards.
“Malfoy and I are going to team up and win this thing.” She shrugged and kept walking.
“What? I thought we were all working together?” Theo gasped. “Hermione???”
“Wow! I’ve never felt less like the Chosen One. What about me?” Harry pushed his glasses back up onto his nose, then gestured out away from the trail to the mountains in the distance. “Look at all this.”
“The view is stunning.” Hermione nodded in agreement.
Draco’s eyes never left Hermione as they crested the last knoll and the vista of Machu Picchu spread out before them. “It certainly is.”
She smirked to herself, letting them catch up to her before she grabbed Draco’s hand and dragged him with her up to the summit. “All right, let’s go find a clue and win this thing.”