Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Charlotte Matthews is a good daughter. Or at least that’s what she likes to think of herself as. She brushes her teeth. She asks before she borrows clothes. She is grateful and kind and obedient. And right now she is waking up at the crack of dawn on the Sunday before the start of her sophomore year of college to listen to her mother preach.

She doesn’t like doing this. But not everything is about her opinion. She loves her mother and her mother loves it when Charlotte listens to what she has to say. It’s as simple as that.

Besides, it isn't going to be all that bad. Hopefully she would see some of her friends she hadn’t seen in a very long time. She’s been lonely since she abandoned them all. Or as she likes to say she “left them behind”. The difference matters a lot to her. Less so to her friends

Most of all, she's excited to see two people. The first and most likely being Laura Lee. One of her oldest friends and also one of her most intense crushes. They’ve been friends ever since they met in sunday school way back when they were 7. She’s had a crush on her ever since Laura Lee offered to and then performed a baptism on her in the river on a particularly hot and frenetic day when they were 12.

Things were different then. Charlotte was different then. It was easier. It was simpler. And of course the years made things more difficult. If not downright impossible. So she never told a soul and languished in secret. How could she? God was listening. Laura Lee was listening. Her mother was listening.

But do not mistake her restraint for a lack of passion. Though the situation got more complicated the simpleness of her admiration never wavered. It was good. It made sense. There was little reason to dream a different dream.

But perhaps once. Maybe. Just slightly. She did dream of something else. The other person she was hoping to see today or in the coming days. A person of which she had nothing concrete or significant to say about at the present moment.

The first thing Charlotte does to start her day today is yoga. She designs each flow she does. Or if she runs out of time she freestyles. But today she has prepared something special for herself. A special flow she crafted for flexibility in each part of her spine. She’s well aware she carries too much tension in her hips. Even more so in her jaw. So today in the warmest corner of her small apartment in the city on a 12 dollar yoga mat she seeks serenity. Peace. Relief.

She does not find it.

Yet she finds herself entirely undisturbed with this sweaty revelation. This was only searching for something she did not have. If she were destined to find it it would be called finding. These things are cosmic. Significant in some way she is yet to learn. The ache in her bones and the soreness in her thighs and the tightness in her jaw are all meant to be. She sees this not as disappointment or a failure. Simply a rerouting. This was a conversation not a test. There was no way to fail.

She’ll get what she wants someday, she thinks.

What would life even be like if you figured it all out at 20 anyway? Charlotte certainly can’t imagine it. She likes to struggle. She likes to suffer. She thinks life might be boring if there was never any reason to cry. And she liked to cry. Or more specifically she didn’t like to cry but she liked the feeling of crying. There’s something grand, gothic, and romantic about being histrionic. In reality she really didn’t like messing up her makeup.

Back when such a term was meant as more an insult the ladies at church used to call her a sensitive soul. As she heads out the door and toward her old beat up Subaru she wonders if she’ll see them too today.

Make no mistake. The Matthews *have* money. Frankly too much money. More money than any three of them know what to do with. Unfortunately for Charlotte her father never developed the habit of showing his love with luxury goods. He bought her what he deemed appropriate and not much more. He bought the car used from a friend of a friend of a friend for her high school graduation. He bought her a modest apartment when she decided to move back into the city. He bought at least 40% of her wardrobe and nothing over a couple hundred dollars. She recognized his generosity. But she has always wondered why he would never buy more expensive things seeing as they could clearly and easily afford it. But deep inside she came up with and knew an answer. Her father was not a lover. But he was a business man. And to that kind of man perhaps business is love. And her modest lifestyle did not come from a lack of love. It was a kind of business venture. It was his way of saying she was a good investment. And really she should be honored to be considered for such an opportunity.

She never complains out loud though she frequently wants to. She is a good daughter. She accepts what is given to her.

When she arrives at the church she parks far from the doors. Close enough that should her mother be watching she could be found. But far enough away that she can blend in and shamble along with all the other awkward visitors who have also nearly arrived late. And also so that if anyone were watching she would be seen.

Inside past the large double doors the congregation mills around with happy smiling faces and outstretched arms. The thing that always strikes Charlotte the hardest about church people is how happy they seem to be. Emphasis on seem. When she was younger she thought of church as nothing more than one large stuffy and didactic ceremony. And everyone’s joy and happiness came from just the general pleasure of being in the lords spirit. But now that she’s older and spent a few years alone she thinks she sees it a little bit more truthfully. These people are happy to see each other just because they’re happy to see each other. The niceness and godliness of those people is perhaps a whole different gordian knot to untangle. But the joy of community is undeniable. For just a moment she thinks that it might be nice to be a part of it. To belong somewhere. But she comes to the same conclusion she always does looking up at the height of the walls and the breadth of the stained glass windows. She still likes to think of herself as that sensitive little girl with a big heart. But she’s not sure she loves anything like this. She categorizes her love as wide but ultimately shallow. In the halls of even her wildest dreams there exist no walls this tall. No windows this grand. Her love is not shaped in its own reverence. She wonders what it would be like to build a home, a church, a castle and know that it was tall enough. She wonders what it must be like to love something where you must brace your eyes instead of your feet. To love somebody. Or maybe even to love God.

Does Charlotte Matthews believe in god? Well she doesn’t not believe in him. Growing up her mom used to teach her of evil spirits and temptations. But she also told her about the will of god and the coded language he speaks. “You have to keep your eyes open and listen” she’d say. “God has a message for you”. And this was no idle talk of god and superstition. Her mother proved it everyday. Maybe even several times a day. She’d say every bible verse license plate was a message directly for her. Every dropped coin on the ground was a chance for prayer and opportunity. Every moment of silence was a chance to hear and be heard.

Every coincidence was a blessing.

And though Charlotte was never as good as her mother at deciphering the ways God was talking to her, the lessons stuck in her brain. The more she’s grown the more she’s learned you can take the kid out of the church but it's quite hard to take the church out of the kid.

Coincidence is causation.

Good spirits exist just as much as evil ones.

Keep your eyes open and never stop looking for the signs.

Maybe at one point Charlotte believed in god. Maybe she is only lying to herself now saying she doesn’t. She doesn’t know at this point. She believes in something. She doesn’t know if she should call it god though. That’s been enough for her in the past and probably in the foreseeable future.

For now she was here in the sanctuary feeling quite a bit more sanctified with Laura Lee’s shocked face directly in her eyeline.

“Lottie!!!” She squeals already practically running toward her from her ushering post at the front doors.

She looks exactly as Charlotte remembers. Bony but not emaciated. Slender and delicate but not fragile. Her blond hair shimmered in the sun like a shower of gold. And her eyes. Oh her eyes. A glossy august blue that Charlotte was sure had never once been replicated. The years apart had done her well too. No longer did she carry her youth in her awkward lankiness. She matured in body and stature. Charlotte looks at her with a mixture of pure respect and adoration. She is enamored.

She is jealous.

Charlotte returns her old friend's warmth with the brightest smile and warmest hug she can muster.

Charlotte values her independence. She likes to be alone. But even she cannot deny at this moment that this is what she has missed. This is where she was meant to be. If not in Laura Lee’s arms then somebody else's.

Not something she can think about right now.

Laura Lee leans deeply into the hug and holds Charlotte better than she’s ever been held. “I’ve missed you so much” she confesses half sobbing into her ear.

Charlotte holds her tightly in one arm and runs her other hand down the length of Laura Lee’s spine. The words “I’ve missed you too” Come unwound in her and leave her mouth with a sigh.

The girls hug and sway with each other for a moment.

They let go of one another just before it could be considered inappropriate.

Laura Lee leads Charlotte inside to the pew where she’ll be sitting later in the service when she’s done with all her responsibilities. As they make their way through the crowd several other long time congregation members come by to receive her warmly. Charlotte does her best to return the kind words to very old acquaintances. But she doesn’t hear what they say. Not really. Her head is full of cotton. She feels light and dreamy. Even just from being received so warmly from people she’s known for so long. The feeling of having Laura Lee’s care and attention is something else. Euphoric. Wordless. Perhaps a big sacreligious.

“Are you just here today to see your mom?” She asks Charlotte with big expecting eyes.

“No actually” Charlotte says. “I actually moved back to town. I’m gonna be starting up at university this week”

Laura Lee beams. “No way!”

“Yes way! I’m here to stay!”

“Lottie, that is truly so wonderful to hear. Are you staying with your parents?”

“No, actually my dad got me this really nice place across town. I’m a big girl now!”

“Woah, that's awesome!”

Charlotte doesn’t mean to do it. But when she replies “Yeah! You should come by sometime!” her voice trails off a little. It catches the other girl a little off guard. She does not mean to notice it.

Panicking only internally Charlotte quickly follows up hoping to push past any bump in the conversation. “I’ll send you the address if you want.”

“I’d love that” Laura Lee smiles as she herself recovers. Not bigger than before but certainly more genuine. “Do you still have my number?”

“I think so. It starts with three five seven right?”

“Yes! Perfect!” Laura Lee shifts around nervously. She wants to stay in this conversation for as long as they've been apart. But the line at the door is getting crowded and the other usher is already waving her back over. “Listen” She says in a sudden quiet tone. I’ve gotta get back to the doors and then I gotta open service with the band but for now. Can we get a picture together?”

“Sure!” Charlotte loves taking pictures of herself but hates actually doing it. Someone else taking a picture of her would normally turn her stomach. But right now there’s no part of her willing or wanting to say no to her friend. She leans in close. Finds a good complimenting angle. And smiles the smile of a woman freshly back from the dead.

*click*

“Perfect” Laura Lee whispers quietly to just the two of them. “Do you mind if I post this on instagram?”

To be truthful, yes, Charlotte did mind. This is not how she wanted her reintroduction back into society to go. She wanted to go slow. Move through the world at her own pace. Reveal herself to her friends again when the time is right. But also maybe that wasn’t in the spirit of all this bravery she was putting herself through. And honestly? Was she really gonna say no to Laura Lee? Maybe this pseudo hard launch was exactly what she needed. Another rerouting. “Make sure you tag me” She says with a smile.

Laura Lee smiles back and then gives a half wave goodbye before she’s shambling through the pews and gliding up the aisle to the front doors.

Service starts soon after. Some super smiley man Charlotte has never seen before opens the service. There’s something about his soft earnestness that does put her at ease. She doesn’t feel quite at home again. But she does feel less like an odd one out. He’s followed by an equally smiley band who sing several songs she vaguely knows the words to. Laura Lee doesn’t play an instrument and never gets a solo song to sing but Charlotte thinks she looks radiant regardless.

In the middle of the third prayer of the last 30 minutes Charlotte's phone begins to vibrate violently in her bag. Her first thought is she’s somehow gotten a burst of poorly timed marketing emails or that maybe she set some alarm some time ago and forgot to turn it off. But then she remembers her sudden burst of bravery with Laura Lee. “Make sure you tag me”. She can’t help but feel like this is the most embarrassing way for the cat to get out of the bag. But still her heart flutters just a tiny bit as she pulls the phone out. Was this her friends? Did they see the post? Did they miss her? Did they even remember her?

The flurry of text messages flying across her screen quickly answers any fears she has. 17 texts and counting from Jackie Taylor, 7 from Van Palmer, 3 from Taissa Turner, and just one text from Shauna Shipman that reads “welcome back.”

All the girls from her old life. Or at least the ones she was closest to. Barring one of course. But she doesn’t think that person is scrolling instagram or facebook this early on sunday morning. And if they were they certainly weren’t going to be sending any texts.

Jackie Taylor texts frenetically like a rabbit when she’s excited. Just typing whatever comes to her mind and not stopping to spell check anything. She just simply talks and isn’t afraid to share her joy with you. It’s slightly overwhelming but it would be a lie to say it doesn’t feel good. Jackie has a way of making you feel included. Charlotte missed this.

Van and Taissa both text very similarly. They’ve both always been pragmatists. If Jackie's texts meant she was being included then their texts came with a sense of belonging. Like she’s already been weighed and evaluated and been found worthy. She’s happy to hear from both of them. Especially at the same time which she takes to mean that they are probably together right now.

It might be easy to mistake Shauna’s brevity for a lack of real care but Charlotte knows better. Shauna is not a person who speaks unless she herself believes what she has to say is important. She has a big heart and she is not careful with it. To be acknowledged in this way. No matter how small. By one of the most serious people she’s ever met. It feels like forgiveness. Or atleast part way to it

Charlotte cannot remember a time in her life she felt quite this loved. She thinks that if everyday back then had felt like this then maybe she never would have left. Or maybe it did and she just grew numb to it. Either way. It was good now. And it was time she stopped dwelling on the past. The love there had followed her to now. And that’s the best she could have hoped for.

Within the barrage of texts and well wishes there is the most important question she will ever be asked in her life. Though she has not realized it yet and will not for a very long time. It’s in a text from Van letting her know that there is going to be a party tonight at one of the big sorority houses on the lake side of campus. Typically they only let people in with an invite. But her and Taissa managed to score a way in.

And all they want to know is if she would like to come along with them and everyone else.

Charlotte thinks about it for a minute. She wasn’t planning on seeing anybody this soon. Certainly not everyone. Or at least something somewhat close to everyone. But then it crosses her mind. What does she really have to lose? Certainly less than she has to gain. “Fuck it” she whispers to herself and then looks around shamefully to see if anyone had heard her slip up.

Not long after Laura Lee comes shuffling over to sit beside her and her mother takes the pulpit. Her mother is striking at the head of the church. She’s tall and confident yet gives off an air of serenity. She speaks with a soft enchanting tone. Clear and direct. There is no mistaking anything she says. She starts by thanking everyone for their attendance and makes a special shoutout to Charlotte who she gives the crowd a quick scan for but can’t seem to find. At the mention of her name the congregation claps a little too loud for Charlotte’s liking. She wonders what her mother has been asking them to pray about. Nothing reasonable surely.

Her sermon is about the temptation of christ. A story in which Jesus willingly walks into the desert for 40 days and 40 nights to fast while the devil makes several attempts to corrupt him. She goes on and on building a metaphor about Jesus’s hunger as all the worries and traumas and trials and tribulations we face in everyday life. And then she relates the devil's temptations to all the modern vices and shortcuts. Drugs, alcohol, get rich quick schemes, pretty women. You know, all the evils of modern society. Charlotte tries her best to follow along. But honestly it just makes her remember she didn’t eat breakfast this morning.

It reminds her how hungry she is.

She doesn’t feel bad for only half listening. It’s a bit hard for Charlotte to hear her mother preach. When she talks in front of everyone like this Charlotte gets this heavy feeling in her chest. It’s a mix of wonder and concern and embarrassment and inferiority and joy. And she doesn’t know what to do with it all. So she gives the body language of attention but her mind tends to wander. This is a story she’s heard a hundred times before and a lesson she’s been taught probably twice that much anyway. However near the end there is one deviation that is new to her. In the middle of her mother speaking on resisting the temptations of the flesh she makes a point about the wilderness. She begins to make a case for why the story had to take place in the desert.

“The furthest from God you can get” she starts. “Is away from your community. Away from your family. God is togetherness. God is not isolation. Jesus had to go out in the desert for those 40 days and 40 nights because he had to be by himself. That’s what let the devil get to him. Whisper great lies in his ear. That’s why the wild is called the wild. It’s without order. Without love. Without God. And that is why God say he wants us to be here every sunday. The community we foster here. The walls of this church. They aren’t just metaphorical pathways to healing. They are the healing.”

Charlotte finds it hard to not feel like that wasn’t directed at her. Getting that lesson from her mom was one thing and probably unavoidable. But to be nearly scolded like that in front of the entire congregation? It did not feel good. Even if there was some good genuine truth to what she said. This is a pill Charlotte will have to swallow another time.

The sermon ends to polite clapping from an impassioned audience. Laura Lee in particular being one of its biggest fans. She gives it a round of applause that lasts long after the others and up until she is back on stage singing the closing songs for the service.

As service ends and people begin filing out Lottie makes her way toward the front of the sanctuary. She thinks she should at least say hi to her mother before she leaves. But before she can get there she’s stopped by Laura Lee

“Hey girl” She starts playfully. “Some of us are going out to eat at Ihop. Do you wanna come with?”

Charlotte desperately wants to say yes to spend more time with Laura Lee. But she also vividly remembers how painfully lame these after church lunches are. There’s only so many times in her life she can sit around a table of theater kids hopped up on communion wine and Ihop syrup and tell each one of them what she admires about them. They would have to hangout another time. She’d rather have Laura Lee alone anyway.

“No I can’t Laura Lee I’m sorry. I already kinda made plans.” The smile on the other girls face drops. But she doesn’t look sad. Just simply like she expected exactly this response. Charlotte is caught blindsided. She expected a little disappointment. But she had no idea she would have this effect. It feels a little good to know she wants to spend time with her this badly. But man does it hurt to know she’s hurt her this badly before and now she’s doing it again. She tries to quickly recover. “Taissa actually invited me to this party during the service. Did you know about it?”

“The big sorority party on campus? Yeah I knew and they invited me but with school starting soon I was gonna catch up sleep.”

“Oh” Like passing ships in the night she thinks to herself. “Well I think im gonna go. Maybe if you change your mind we could go together?” Laura Lee’s face turns a bit more dejected but Charlotte can tell this still isn’t her thing. It’s not that Laura Lee doesn’t like parties. Laura Lee loves parties. She looks out of place sipping juice in the corner at every one. But still she wouldn’t not go. She may be a bit uptight but she still likes to have fun. For whatever reason she just does not want to go to this specific party.

“Or maybe we could do something else this week.” Charlotte offers in recompense. “We could get coffee or something?”

“I’d like that” Laura Lee’s face turns to that warm genuine smile again and then she bounces away to be with her other friends.

Someday, Charlotte thinks, they’re gonna be on the same page. But for today, there is just tomorrow.

When Charlotte finds her mother she is back in the pastors office at the back of the church. It’s a lonely liminal room in the very back left corner of the church. Clearly some work had been done to it to make it comfortable and welcoming. But it very clearly was not a place anyone was meant to stay. The large wardrobe for robes, coats, and shoes was in direct contrast to the oversized wooden desk sat in the middle of the room like a coffin. It has a private bathroom and a little dish for mints or other treats. The walls are so pale white they are almost grey. The old wooden windows that Charlotte has never once seen be opened point toward a serene little patch of grass opposite of the traffic and foot traffic. It’s too business to be pastoral and too isolated to ever feel welcoming. Charlotte has never understood how anyone could ever be comfortable here. But nevertheless her mother sat at the huge mahogany desk like she owned the entire estate.

She mills around the room gathering her stuff clearly getting ready to go home. Half focused on that task at hand. Half ruminating over her sermon and the service. Charlotte knows what happens when her mother is busy like this. If she interrupted her now they’d both walk away mad but if she said nothing they’d both would stew until they saw each other next. Best to keep it short.

“Hi mom.” Charlotte softly calls from the doorway. Her whole body not even visible. “That was a really nice sermon. Thank you for inviting me.”

Mrs. Matthews looks up to her daughter. Her face filled with sweat, pride, and adrenaline. “Thank you sweety. I’m so glad you could come!” Though Charlotte can tell she obviously means it with all the love in her heart it feels a bit hollow. It’s no different from normal. Every conversation between them feels a bit hollow. Why? Well Charlotte has a few different ideas. None of them are satisfying answers. “Are you going out with Laura Lee and the others?” her mothers questions with her usual upbeat tone.

Charlotte quietly fears what would her mother thinks of her and Laura Lee’s friendship. The truth is that she does not think much of it at all. She hardly ever thinks about Charlotte’s friends. She’s glad that Laura Lee seems to be a good influence on her. And sometimes she even wishes that Charlotte could be more like her. But she doesn’t ever put much energy into it.

“No, I don't think so.”

“Why?”

“I’ve already made plans later”

“Where are you going?”

“Out to see some friends?”

“Who?”

“If I told you their names would you actually know them?”

“I know some of your friends Charlotte. What about Tanya?”

“Taissa.”

“See, I know what I’m talking about!” They both share a small laugh. It is extremely annoying that her mother insists on knowing who she will be with despite not knowing any of their names. But unfortunately it is funny every time she gets a name wrong.

“I don’t think you're even trying!”

“I’m working! I’m trying to get my stuff ready so I can leave! You see this! I had 20 pages of notes for that sermon!”

“And it was very impressive, mom.” Charlotte Matthews loves her mom. Charlotte Matthews also has very complicated feelings about her mom. But this playful ribbing the two shared every now and then was fun. Things had been so serious the last couple years they hadn’t had much time for levity like this. And if she wanted it to remain like this she needed to leave now. She gives the conversation a half beat of silence before saying she has to go and walking down the hall to the exit. Her mothers voice echoes well wishes down the corridor. And they both exchange I love you’s just before Charlotte reaches the side door to the parking lot.

Charlotte spends the rest of the day getting ready. Contemplating outfits and overthinking conversations she was sure to have. Matte red lipstick or a glossy pink? Jacket or no jacket? Should she be gentle about why she had to disappear or should she just confess every secret she’s ever kept? A thousand decisions and indecisions swirled around in her mind. By the time to leave had come up she had made herself a nervous wreck who had yet again forgotten to eat another meal.

Feeling unbalanced and quite a bit dizzy Charlotte approached the front door of the party. Sweating nervously with all of her nerves on fire. Every thought and instinct in her mind tries to tell her this is a bad idea. But this is something she has to do now. Bad ideas be damned.

The bouncer asks her name and she gives the code Taissa had instructed her to say.

“I’m here with Allie Stevens.”

The bouncer's face crunches into a wince as he lets her pass. She sympathizes and wonders what Allie has done to this poor dude. She is not excited to see Allie again. She will try to avoid it at all costs if she can.

She makes her way past the foyer and into the kitchen where a sickening menagerie of alcohol sits on the center island. She takes a quick look around the room to see if she see’s any of her friends. And when she doesn't she grabs a red solo cup and pours in vodka until it’s full.

The first gulp burns her throat and turns her stomach as it goes down. The second is not much easier but it tastes a little better. By the third the a warm numbness has already begun to bloom in her chest and leaked it’s way all the way up to her cheeks. By the fourth every feeling of nervousness is gone along with the plans for every conversation she was planning to have. She is free And she is also now. She is liquid and she is fuzzy and warm and lonely. She doesn’t even register the sixth as she makes her way into the first floor lounge where there’s a large group of people dancing. It crosses her mind that if she keeps going like this she might not see her friends at all. But it's too good. The alcohol is release. It’s ecstasy. It’s freedom. It’s bravery. Her body sways and dances without her commanding it to. She smiles without a reason. She is found in the absence of her rigidity. And Lost in the crowd. Now just a swirling mass of bodies and limbs and the occasional smile. The lights sway and flicker around the room. Illuminating everything but showing nothing. Until they stop. Or at least it seems to Charlotte like they do. In a spot opposite the room. Filled by a face she used to know. And when they lock eyes her mind is swimming. Struggling to put words to her lips. And in her panic all she can muster is a name.

“Natalie”

Chapter Text

Lottie fucking Matthews

The one person Natalie Scatorccio never thought she’d see again. The one person she would be a little happy if she never saw again. Standing right in front of her now at this random ass party like she had always been here. Just waiting to be found.

To Nat she looks like time has passed her by. Around 3 years since she last saw her and she still looked basically the same. Her flowy dark hair cascading over her shoulders and down her back without a single strand out of place. Her pastel pink clothes synchronized and showy down to the stitching. Her perfect crystal clear skin has clearly still never seen a blemish.

She looks fucking cool. That is the one thing Nat has never been able to deny.

For all her pomp Lottie Matthews always fucking looks good. She is always perfect. Which is one of the many reasons Nat has always considered her the most evil girl she has ever met. Which is saying something considering Nat has known Allie Stevens for almost twice as long.

Among the other reasons include the music she listens to, the church she hangs out at, every single dollar of her vast and generous wealth, and the one time in 10th grade when Jackie Taylor caught Nat listening to Taylor Swift and Lottie did not defend her even though she had recommended her the song.

If you pressed her she might admit that there was really nothing of substance there. They had been practically friends once upon a time. Lottie had pretty much been nothing but nice to her. And she in turn could never really muster the vitriol to ever be truly hateful back. It was just a feeling. A little tug at the back of her skull whenever she thought of her. And right now it feels like getting dragged through the mud by a ponytail.

The lights in the room are dim and the music thrums through her chest like she isn’t even there. She’s more than a little high. And growing less and less sure she’s hallucinating by the second.

“Lot?” She calls. But the other girl doesn’t respond immediately. Whatever surprise Nat has felt is multiplied several times over on Lottie’s face. Nat surmises that she’s either shellshocked or wasted. But before long her face seems to show she’s made sense of what she’s seeing. And she smiles. So big. With her big brown eyes and perfectly neat white teeth.

They stare into each other's eyes for some time that approaches infinity. Both too inebriated to make any real move. They just fixate on each other. The room begins to melt away for Nat. She forgets the house and she forgets the party. All the wild limbs and words blend into a blurry obscurity. The hypnotic beat of the music begins to beat at the same pace of her heart. It’s adrenaline pumping all throughout her body. And the feelings come in physical waves that start in her stomach and shake their way to her fingertips. She feels relief and joy and happiness pass by and through her. But guilt gets caught in her throat. Hot and buzzing like a stubborn bee. Begging her to say something. Anything. Lottie Matthews is right in front of her. Lottie fucking Matthews. A piece of herself that she does not like. But still a piece of herself. A piece she thought was gone forever and would never come back.

It’s intense like a bright white light. And even Nat herself is surprised at the depth of her own reaction. She must be too high. Way too fucking high. So high in fact that she doesn’t even notice when her own girlfriend, Misty Quigley, walks into the room.

“LOTTIE MATTHEWS” screams the short girl with huge rimmed glasses and fluffy blonde hair. She quite literally pushes her way through the crowd to her. Pressing and shoving and dodging elbows and even throwing a couple of her own. When she reaches Lottie she’s greeted by a big warm smile and an even warmer hug.

Nat can’t ever remember the two of them being this friendly. Maybe at one point in time they would have been passing acquaintances. But certainly anytime the two of them would have ever hung out was through Nat herself. And she for sure would have never facilitated any of that.

She thinks, perhaps, this is just what time does. Makes the heart grow fonder or some shit like that. Makes it so two practical strangers can find some little piece of home in each other. It’s sweet. Actually.

Nat finds it a bit hard to not be happy when Misty is happy anyway. Her earnestness is infectious. It’s one of the things she loves most about her. Though she’d never say it aloud.

Nat and Misty started dating almost exactly two summers ago from this moment. The story goes that after graduating high school Nat worked for an entire year to save up enough money by herself to go to school. But when she needed a place to stay Misty came to her rescue. Or somewhat forced her to come live with her. Nat begrudgingly accepted and the two become close during the long hot days and cool nights. There was not really a moment when they started dating. No one asked. No one accepted.There was no talk or conversation. It just simply happened. Maybe because Misty finally won Nat over. Or maybe Nat finally got worn down from stopping her advances. Neither of them really know. Perhaps they happened at the same time. All they know is that Nat was the first to say the word “girlfriend” and mean it. And that’s all that’s really mattered since.

Misty leads Lottie through the crowd back over to where Nat is. Nat tries to play it cool. Not that she’s alarmed. She just really doesn’t know what to say to Lottie.

“Hi Lottie it’s so nice to see you!” is too formal

“Holy fucking shit what the fuck are you doing here” is too aggressive

Saying nothing and giving a simple head nod could be an option. But that feels too nonchalant for a situation like this. Maybe just maybe she could take a page from her girlfriends book and be just honest.

“I thought I was never gonna see you again.” She rolls the words around her mouth like a marble. She doesn’t much like being honest. No no this won’t-

“Hi Nat” says Lottie. With a voice nothing like she remembered. It’s lighter now. Both more mature and feminine. But still ever as enchanting. Perhaps she thinks, it was too quick a judgement to say she hadn’t changed at all.

“I thought I might never see you again Lot.” Nat blurts out without thinking. “It’s like looking at a ghost.”

Lottie’s smile drops and she doesn’t respond. Something in whatever Nat had just confessed affected her way more than either girl was expecting.

Nat feels utterly embarrassed. She doesn’t understand how Misty does this. She doesn’t really understand what she said wrong either. But she meant it. And so there’s really nothing to do but sit in this awkward silence.

Misty, being much better at these things saves the day. She grabs Lottie's hand and whisks her away somewhere else with a few kind words. They go out of the lounge and up the stairs. And at the top Nat catches Lotties eyes. She’s still thrown a bit off balance. Her face says remorse. But now her eyes stare back at Nat’s with a certain kind of necessity. And just before she disappears around a wall she mouths the words “I’m sorry”.

Nat isn’t sure whether this is an apology she should accept or not. Was she really that hurt by Lottie leaving? Maybe a little bit. But she survived. She would have continued doing so. She hadn’t even really considered until now that she needed an apology. And now that she got one it felt bad. But only because it felt good. She doesn’t think she deserves an apology. She didn’t think she was this important to Lottie Matthews. Should she have been? Is it possible she had been the bad friend this entire time? Should she have cared more?

With all these thoughts swirling around in her head Nat craved nothing more than to go for a little smoke break. And she would if Misty hadn’t took her fucking cigarettes. It left her with two options. Either go confront her feelings with the rest of the girls. Or go find something to smoke. She chooses to go look for Travis

Travis is an old friend. He and Nat dated for a week in middle school and broke up because someone started a nasty rumor about Nat and he refused to defend her. The rumor eventually faded and they remained friends though. The heart is much more malleable when you're eleven.

Nat snakes her way through the party to find him at the spot she knows he’ll be. The kitchen. He likes to post up there by all the kegs, frat bros, their girlfriends, and their friends. He swears it makes him look better by comparison. And if it doesn’t he’s never that far away from the beer.

Nat finds him predictably in place. Watching intently from a corner with a disapproving face as some dude attempts a keg stand in the middle of the room. But when he notices her approach a little bit of light returns to his eyes.

“Hey, have you seen Javi?” he asks.

“No, not lately. Have you seen my weed?”

“I gotta find my brother” He says stubbornly. If there’s one thing to know about Travis Martinez it’s that he doesn’t play about his brother Javi. He’s a couple years younger than Travis and is just starting his freshmen year here in the next couple days. He’s a nice kid. Could not possibly be more opposite than Travis. That’s probably why Travis worries about him so much. Probably also why they often don’t really get along. Travis would never say it or show it but when Javi’s around he has almost a single minded focus on him. It would be kinda sweet if he wasn’t so macho and mean about it. But at the end of the day they love each other very much. Travis would do nearly anything for him. Which is exactly why Nat isn’t getting her weed back. At least not until she helps take care of this.

“Where’d you last see him?”

“He was over here with me and then he said he was going over to get a drink. Saw some friends I think and then they disappeared together.”

“Well do you know what they look like?”

“Not a single fucking clue. Never seen the kids before in my life”

“Did you check outside?”

“I checked all around the house Nat. He’s not here.”

“That’s a bit dramatic don’t you think?” Nat says sheepishly. Some of Travis’s nervousness beginning to creep into her. “I’m sure he’ll turn up at some point. I can keep an eye on him. Or go help you look?”

“Nah” Travis says, already lost deep in thought about something else. “I’ll find him”

Nat pauses for a moment to let him brood. “So can I get the goods then?”

Travis sighs and begins to dig deeper into his jean pockets. “There has to be a better way of hiding these from your girlfriend than me.”

“And when I find it I’ll still probably keep them with you”. Travis hands her a nearly undone blunt that was once immaculately rolled. Nat doesn’t even care. She’d take anything for a little peace of mind right now. She accepts it eagerly and with a big exaggerated thankful smile. “When I find Javi I’ll send him right to you. Alright?”

“Alright” Travis deadpans

“See ya later. And don’t stand here and brood for too long. You’re scaring the hoes loser.”

“Yeah alright. See you later.”

Nat knows the sorority girls won’t like her lighting up right here in the middle of the party. But she does know she would be fine if she could get in one of the bedrooms. Which leaves her with a choice. Go outside and maybe look for Javi a little bit. Or go to her friends to help confront the most mysterious girl alive. Seemed like an obvious choice to her. But sadly the choice is not hers. As she rounds a corner and begins to leave the front doors Misty calls her name from the top of the stairs and waves her over. She has no choice anymore. Tucking the blunt deep into a pocket in her leather jacket she sloughs toward the bedroom.

When she gets there she expects to find them as they usually are. Slouched around the room in varying states of engagement while Jackie or Taissa or Van took up all the air in the room. But instead what she finds is nearly every girl sitting around the bed listening and looking up to Lottie as she speaks seated in the center of the bed. Jackie, Shauna, Tai, Van, Misty, Mari, Akilah, Melissa, Gen, Crystal and Jessica. All sitting at perfect attention. One day Nat will figure out how Lottie gets everyone so enamored with her. She makes it all look so effortless. It impresses Nat. But it also makes her feel a little sick.

When Nat enters the room the conversation has moved beyond anything Nat would want to hear. She takes a seat beside Misty over in the back corner while some of the girls ask Lottie about school and the classes she’s taking and what she’s majoring in. And she answers sheepishly. Apparently she’s majoring in nursing with a minor in psychology. It is entirely unsurprising to Nat. It probably wouldn’t have been the first thing she chose for her but she fits the type. The only other nursing major she knew, her own girlfriend, was entirely addicted to control too. It just made sense. And clearly Misty thinks so too judging by the tiny cheer she did upon hearing the news.

The conversation drifts between school and soccer and a trip to a cabin in a couple weeks. Nat has a hard time keeping up with most of it. She spends so much energy on trying not to look as high as she is that she forgets to dedicate any energy to trying to stay awake. She sways and sways until Misty reaches an arm around to steady her. It’s warm to be in arm’s reach of Misty. Sure, Misty is kinda fucking insane. But along with that comes the warmest most sincere love Nat has ever known. She may not act like it but she is really trying not to mess this up.

The night winds down without any major events. The party still rages downstairs but the girls in the upper room all reach the conclusion they’ve had enough. Jackie and Shauna are the first to leave back to their apartment. Tai and Van are at least the next to say they’re gonna leave. Instead they get up to go and end up spending the next hour saying goodbye to other people. And then it is Misty and Nat.

Nat crawls into the passenger seat of Misty’s old hand me down sedan. Removed from the party the pressure begins to relieve from her body. With her hands full of her girlfriends hands and her throat full of shamefully sweet praises for them she begins to realize for the first time in a while that she is really really hungry. She can’t even remember the last time she ate a meal.

“Hey can we stop at McDonalds? Im starving” She coos as she rubs circles on the back of Misty’s non driving hand.

“We have food at home” Misty barks back.

“Are you mad at me?”

“You tell me Nat.” Misty’s eyes don’t leave the road. “How do you honestly think that went?”

Nat makes an honest attempt at trying to remember. But solid portions of the night are just lost to her. Did she do something embarrassing and didn’t know? “Is this because I got high?” Nat Confesses.

“No.” Misty asserts forcefully. “I mean yes. But it's not the entirety of the problem”

“Then what is the problem?”

Misty just sighs. Like she’s tired. Or that she’s focused. Or that she’s a little of both. Nat can see that she really wants to have this conversation but she really doesn’t wanna answer this question. Lucky for her Nat feels the exact opposite.

They drift down the road in silence for a while. The hot stagnant summer air blows through the car as they make their way past each pyramid of light.

Wiskayok this time of year is eerie. The small city that’s also a college town feels freshly reopened after spending the last 4 months nearly dormant. Everything is alive but nothing is full. The students who have just come back are too busy and not adventurous enough to go exploring all that there is to offer. Main street is just rows and rows of reanimated shops. Places that are alive but aren’t moving just yet. It’s quiet. It’s kinetic. It’s peaceful and it reminds Nat of how things have always been.

She and all her friends have lived in Wiskayok their entire lives. None of them are sure why they stay here. But they all have their own excuses. If you asked her about it Nat would tell you she’s not sure where else she’s supposed to go. What could she realistically look for somewhere else that she couldn’t find here? It’s comfortable. But at the same time she hates it deeply. Not for what it could be but for what it is. If she had ever loved anywhere else she’d be there right now. But she hasn’t. And the way things are going she probably never will.

After Misty parks the car outside their shared apartment she wraps around to the passenger side to walk with Nat. Wordlessly she slides a hand around her waist to steady her and the two walk side by side all the way up to their home on the second floor. And then quietly before the lights come on and the comfort begins to settle in Misty breaks the silence.

“I think we need to break up”

Nats head spins with Misty's sudden boldness. “What?” she says while wracking her brain for what could have led to this. This was no time for this conversation. She can’t think clearly.
“Not forever. Just for right now”

“Why?”

“There’s a hundred reasons why Nat. But chief among them being that you’re too high literally right now to walk by yourself”

“I’m not that high Misty. I could have walked by myself”

“Could you? You can barely stay awake.”

“I’m fine Misty. I was just having fun.”

“I don’t think you have any fun Nat.”

“What?”

“I don’t think you ever have fun Nat. You always say youre trying to have fun and I think youre gonna try forever instead of just doing it.”

“Misty what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Alright fine I’ll give you an example. You didn’t even say a word to Lottie tonight.”

“Why would I? It’s not like we’re friends or anything?”

“You have literally never stopped talking about her. And then she’s right in front of your face and you pretend like you’ve never seen her before!”

“That’s not true Misty”

“Not true? Fine then. Here’s another example. Before the party. The playlist we made to listen to while getting ready”

“Oh my god Misty”

“I put in some fun songs and you only ever wanna hear the most depressing emo shit ever!”

“And I told you to stop fucking putting Heart on the pre game playlist!”

“I thought you liked them and even if you don’t they’re fun! The Wilson sisters are true American treasures!”

“It’s just not the fucking vibe Misty”

Of all the fights Misty had tried to start with Nat this was nowhere close to the most ridiculous. But it is one of the most earnest. Truthfully they liked to argue with each other. Their exchange of intimate and barbarous volley of words and attitudes was more intrinsic to their relationship than anything else. But usually it’s fun. Even if it’s frustrating. There is no glimmer of fun to be had in this conversation.

“Nat…” Misty's voice lowers into nearly a whisper. “You know I love you right”

“I mean I did! But you’re trying to break up with me now so I can’t really be sure.”
“Not forever. Listen. Just hold on a second.” Misty walks over to a small drawstring bag she had been carrying all night. She pulls out a small velvet wrapped box and holds it up into the small amount of light in the room for Nat to see. “You see this?”

“Is that what I think it is?” Nat replies shakily

Misty hinges open the box to reveal a shimmery silver ring. “If you think it’s an engagement ring then yeah. You’d be correct.”

“Jesus fucking christ Misty”

“I was gonna propose to you ya know”

“Tonight? At a sorority party? What?”

“No.” Misty scoffs. “I just meant sometime in the future.”

“You are actually fucking insane.”

“And I still have every intention of doing so. But…”

“It’s nice to know the crazy train has some brakes.”

“Can you fucking take this seriously for five seconds! I’m trying to be vulnerable with you, you ass!”

Nat relents. She takes a seat on the couch on the opposite side of the room and begins to try not to cry.

“Nat Listen.” Misty starts. “I love you. I really do. And I think there’s some chemical reaction that goes on in your brain that tells you you love me too. But I think I might be the only thing you love. You hate school and you hate work and you hate the mornings and the evenings and you hate half the clothes you wear and you hate your life and you hate yourself and you just hate hate hate so much. And I think if I’ve ever loved you then I have to really do it. And I want to help you so bad. But you don’t really want to help yourself. And I need you to. I need you to love something else even half as much as you love me. And I have exhausted everything I can do to help you do that. I think you might see more success with this just by yourself. I’m okay with sacrificing our relationship for just a little while to help you see that. If you can. Do you understand?”

The words cut deep into Nat. On a certain level she knows she’s a drag to be around. She’s been hard for everyone to love her entire life. Everyone but Misty. The girl who has made it look so easy. Maybe the first person to ever truly care about her ever. It hurts to hear that even she has her limits. Nat was always weary about brushing up against them. And now she had gone flying face first into it. She thinks this hurts more profoundly than Misty can really understand.

“So you want me to move out?” Nat meekly eke’s out.

“No!” Misty joins nat on the other side of the room. She kneels and cups her face so softly. “Of course not. How will I know if you’re getting better if you’re gallivanting somewhere on the other side of town. Besides this is your place just as much as it is mine. Stay.”

Nat does not respond out loud. She just shakes her head yes and leans more into Misty’s loving palms.

They both relish in the moment of silence between them. But Misty is quick to break it. “I’m gonna go to bed. Okay?” She withdraws her hands and already begins to form a distaste for how empty they will be. She stands up and walks toward her bedroom. Only turning around once just to remind Nat not to forget to brush her teeth and wash her face.

Nat appreciates the reminder. But she doesn’t do it. Not out of spite. But just simply from a sudden lack of energy. And a sudden pain of hunger she spends the whole night trying to soften.

Chapter Text

At exactly 5:17 am in the morning after the party Lottie Matthews wakes from the worst nightmare she’s ever had.

In the dream she wanders around a writhing, almost living forest. She’s unsure of where she’s going. Or how she got there. In the haze of her subconscious mind she is only sure of two things. She is lost. And she can taste blood.

She comes to terms with being lost remarkably quickly. She has no idea how she knows she’s lost. She doesn’t even know where she is. But she does know that anywhere she goes from where she currently is would only get her more lost. So she squares that problem away for another time. And begins to focus on what she considers the more pressing matter.

Lottie has never really minded the metallic taste of blood. Sure it’s a bit unsettling. But it’s just blood after all. She was full of the stuff. What concerned her is that she could not really determine where the blood was coming from.

There’s no pain in her mouth as far as she can tell. No cut or wound as far as she could feel with her tongue. If she wanted to know for sure she would have to investigate a bit more thoroughly.

She sticks a cold dirty finger in her own mouth. Rubbing it firstly along her cheeks and then her gums and the roof of her mouth. She finds nothing but more blood. Now pooling in her cheeks and forcing her to spit out every now and then. Her finger searches impatiently around her mouth. Hoping to rub or graze over a cut or wound. To feel its pain and know it's real. But she finds no such resolution. Only the slick wet with blood crevices of her own mouth.

She adds another finger. One to be a test the other to be a confirmation. Her mouth now opens wide and the blood leaks out of her lips and down her face. She checks thoroughly. Around every tooth. In every flood under her tongue. And still nothing.

The more she searched the more the blood began to flow. Out of her mouth, down her face, and onto her clothes. It became an unstoppable flow of sticky red slobber. At a certain point her fingers became preoccupied with scooping the blood out of her mouth so she could go back to actually searching for where it was coming from.

Then the panic starts to set in. her mouth overfull of fingers and blood she realizes if she does not find a solution quickly then she is almost certainly going to choke.

The obsession takes over her. She desperately hooks and claws at her face. Like a dog she shakes and growls and swipes. She panics and she spits and she cries and she bleeds. She is sure she is going to die like this.

Eventually the fingers in her mouth become an impediment. It’s too much to even scoop out. All she can do is hold her mouth open and let it fall out naturally. It becomes hard to breathe through just her nose. But every time she closes her mouth she flirts with having to swallow more blood than she can take.

The world begins to fade out around her. All she can think about is the blood in her mouth. That is the only thing that matters. It is the only thing that has ever mattered. It is the only thing that will matter.

Seeing no end in sight she makes one last desperate attempt. She can not spit the blood out fast enough. But maybe she could throw it all up at once.

She reaches as far back and down her throat with a single finger that she can. She desperately swabs around for one last look for a wound which she does not find. And then she pushes deeper. Far past what she knows is possible. And when she first feels her stomach begin to wretch she puts in another finger. And another. And then she takes her last inhale before her stomach turns itself out.

And then her first exhale awake in her bedroom.

Lottie is no stranger to weird dreams. Even at her most rested and peaceful her mind had a habit of randomly digging up something deep in her subconscious to show her. She was no stranger to waking up a little disturbed.

But even by her own standards this dream had been odd. She struggled to make sense of any of it. Where was she? Why had she been lost? If the blood was not her own then who’s was it? And why has it left her with the strangest sense of deja vu?

With her heart racing and her lungs just short of breath she sits up in bed staring into the dark of her room. The entire apartment suddenly felt empty. Was this a metaphor? Or maybe even a warning?

It became harder and harder not to think what would happen to her if she were to choke on something here all alone.

She imagines she would just die. Either that or she’d miraculously find a way to perform the heimlich on herself. Which seems unlikely.

But what was she to honestly do? Go live with her parents again. Hell no. Wasn’t an option. Maybe she could look for a roommate. Preferably one that wouldn’t murder her.

Maybe, she thinks, she'll just chew a little more carefully from now on. She’ll blend all her food. Get smaller spoons and forks.

Recognizing that her thoughts and ideas are getting more outlandish and paranoid she decides to force herself to do anything else. That’s the best way she knows how to get out of a thought spiral.

There’s a park down by the river. She used to go there when she was younger. Her mother used to take her to play and when she got older she used to take herself when she was having a rough day. Maybe this silly little dream wasn’t anywhere near as rough as she used to have it. But it certainly wouldn’t hurt to be there.

 

She grabs her keys and her most comfortable pair of shoes. She hardly bothers with her clothes except for throwing on a light jacket over her pajamas. She doesn’t plan on staying long. Just long enough to enjoy the sunrise.

The thing about this park is that its slightly remote. It’s across town so you have to drive. But it doesn’t have a parking lot so you have to find parking somewhere else and then walk. As inconvenient as it might be it did afford anyone there a little bit of privacy if they were willing to walk a little bit. It is Lottie’s favorite for exactly this reason. Public enough to not be creepy. But private enough that you could almost always have it all to yourself.

Lottie’s go to parking spot is at a cvs way up the trail just off campus. Close and not awkward. A reasonable place for her to be. Just how she liked it. But it did mean she had to walk through one of the campus apartment neighborhoods. Which in reality wasn’t a problem. But in her head she could always feel them staring at her. And it made her feel embarrassed. Like just by looking at her they could tell she was this crazy insecure loner. They could tell that she was vulnerable. Even though she wasn’t but she didn’t like being perceived that way. She wanted to be confident. She wanted to be alluring instead of off putting. She wanted to be enchanting instead of just a bit strange.

But nevertheless she carried on along the path. The Apartments on this side of town were nice. Nicer than hers certainly. These at least had balconies. She thinks if hers had a balcony then she’d be there instead of here. Even more insulting, theirs are painfully bare. Maybe the students just hadn't had time to do anything with them yet. Maybe they were just making poor use of a really nice amenity. Looking up now there is only one person who’s even taking advantage of a morning like this. Someone that has the right idea. Feet kicked up, smoking cigs, drinking in the ambience.

But that, she realizes very quickly, is no random person. That is Natalie Scatorccio.

God where does Lottie even begin to talk about Nat.

They’ve been not exactly friends for a while. They played soccer together all four years of high school. So they were definitely more than acquaintances. But it’s not like they ever called each other to talk about their feelings either. They were some grey area in the middle. Some place where Lottie was always drawn to her more than most anybody not named Laura Lee. She found comfort in her. Familiarity. A certain kinship somehow. But no. Not really friends. In fact Lottie was pretty sure Nat hated her. And she’s never once been able to figure out why. She’s sure it has something to do with her parents' money or the way she dresses. But there was never a way to know for sure.

But through all this Lottie cares so deeply about Nat. She knows it's irrational. Maybe a bit creepy. But she does it anyway. Because she thinks Nat is a good person. Beneath all the hardened tough exterior there is a genuinely soft person waiting to come out. And Lottie is of the opinion that all that’s ever been needed to bring it to the surface is something she doesn’t often get. Empathy. Nat has had a hard life. Nat would be the last to admit it. But Lottie would be the first. From the death of her father their freshmen year of high school to her practically absent mother to whatever all those drugs were doing to her brain. Lottie struggles to imagine what all that would even do to a person. It’s unthinkable that someone should go through that alone.

But now. Seeing her on this balcony. Having presumably overcome all that. Or at least some of it. Lottie is just impressed. She wishes she was that strong. That stubborn. Lately it feels like all she does is run.

“Nat?” Lottie calls up several floors to the other girl. And surely enough she turns around to see Lottie. Her face twists into a look of surprise. And then shame. And then relief.

“Lottie?” Natalie questions back. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I was just on a walk. What are you doing here?”

“I live here”

“Since when?”

“Since a long time Lot. Life moved on when you left”

“Oh”

“Why are you even back here anyway?”

“Is there no better way for us to have this conversation?” Natalie also tired of yelling to each other like this weighed a couple options in her mind.

“A couple months ago the maintenance guys were working on something on the side of the building. And they left their ladder down around the side of the building. You can get that if you want”

“Why can’t you just let me in the door”

“Misty’s sleeping and I really don’t wanna wake up her. You’ll be fine I've already done this a couple times!”

Lottie really does not want to climb up this ladder. And she also really does not feel prepared to have this conversation. But if Nat says it’s safe then she’ll take a leap of faith.

Moving it is heavy and climbing up it is shaky and way louder than Lottie wanted to be doing this. But it is all worth it at the top when she sees her.

Nat’s is still how Lottie remembers her. Petite but in the same way a junkyard cat is. She still gives off that air of being over it while she lounges about smoking in a leather jacket just a size too big for her. Unbothered and comfortable. Her eyes are serious but that just might be all the eyeliner she wears. Because the rest of her face is full of soft angles and features that have always made her look a bit younger than she is. And its framed perfectly with shaggy bleach blond hair with her brown roots just barely showing. Her limbs are wiry and lean. No doubt that she’s still as deceptively strong as she used to be though. Her clothes are a bit rugged but look to be relatively new. Nat was still the same old Nat. As if time hadn’t touched her at all. Or if it did it brought her right back where she used to be.

“So” Nat begins. “What are you doing out here?”

“I had a bad dream. I just wanted to go for a walk.”

“That’s funny” Nat says while ashing her blunt.

“What’s funny about it?”

“I had a weird dream last night too”

“What happened in it?”

“I don’t know. I hardly remember it. I wasn’t asleep long but. I was like walking around in this forest and I was lost. And so naturally I was trying my hardest to get myself not lost. You know getting my bearings. Looking for water. Looking for which side of the trees the moss was growing on. Going that way cause I assumed it was north or something.”

“This sounds exactly like my dream” Lottie interjects

“What”

“Yeah. I think we had the same dream. Or similar dreams. What happened next? A lot of blood?”

“What the fuck Lottie?”

“And you nearly choked to death with all the blood in your mouth?”

“No. No. Jesus christ no. Is that what happened to you?”

“Yeah my mouth wouldn’t stop filling with blood. And I reached in to see if there was a cut or something but I never found anything. And my mouth just kept filling with blood until it was practically pouring out of my mouth.”

“Jesus. How’d you get it to stop?”

“Well I couldn’t spit it out fast enough. So I reach my fingers down my throat to try and make myself throw up.”

“Holy shit”

“And then I woke up”

“I don’t know what to say Lot. Nothing that dramatic happened to me”

“What did happen to you?”

“Well I was wandering around and I was getting blood everywhere. Couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. Until i looked down and realized I just had blood on my hands.”

“And your hands weren’t bleeding?”

“Not as far as I could tell”

“Strange”

“Well it gets weirder hold on. So I figured I cut myself and I didn’t have any first aid kit you know. Big gash in my hand seemed like not the biggest problem at hand. So i just wiped them off on my clothes. But I couldn’t. No matter how much I wiped they just stayed bloody.”

“Sounds familiar”

“Exactly. And for some reason I got so focused on getting this blood off my hands that it was all i could think about. And I eventually came to this stream. And I bent down and started to wash my hands off. Pretty easily at first so I could see the cut. But then I just kept going. Kept rubbing and rubbing until my hands were raw”

“And so how’d you wake up?”

“My hands fell off”

“What!?”

“I’m kidding! No, I just don’t remember. The minute I woke up I tried to forget it. I was doing pretty well too. Until you came a long atleast” Nat cocks a sly smile at Lottie. Shes obviously joking but it hits weirdly deep. She musters a half grin in response to try and say sorry.

“But what do you think it means?”

“Oh I don’t know. I assumed it had something to do with Misty”

“Quigley?”

“Yeah”

“And what did you do to her to feel that guilty about?”

“Guilty?”

“Well blood on the hands Nat. That’s like THE sign of guilt”

“Oh. Well I don’t know. I did a lot of things I guess. We broke up last night”

“What?” Lottie says in genuine astonishment “I didn’t even know you were dating.”

“Oh fuck. Yeah. You were away for that and I don’t know how much you know. But we’ve been dating for a little over a year. Or we were dating for a little over a year.

“And why did she break up with you?”

Nat stares off into the middle distance. Contemplating what she can and should say. And then she gets that sly look back on her face.

“I’ll tell you what Lot” She begins. “I’ll tell you if you tell me where you’ve been.”

God she’s beginning to hate this fucking question. Not because it’s an unfair question to ask. But because it's an annoying little paradox. It’s nice that people care about knowing about her this much now. But if there had been this amount of care back when she left she never would have. It’s frustrating at best.

And the worst part is she doesn’t even want to lie. Especially not to Nat right now. But how is she practically going to explain how she lost a year of her life? The story is embarrassing and shameful. It involves a level of mental imperfection that she knows the people around her are not ready for. It is a messy side of herself she does not let anyone see. It’s impossible to explain. Even to people that understand. Even to the people that were there. Even to Lottie herself.

But the absolute worst part is she knows the truth is so simple. She should have never left. And she doesn’t want anything close to that to be reflected back onto her. She doesn’t want to suffer the embarrassment of being the last one to know that.

“I was at school” Lottie deadpans trying very badly to hide her omission.

Nat doesn’t respond immediately. Her face doesn’t even move while she tries to process what she’s just been told. Lottie can tell she’s just been caught in a lie. But how?

“Sorry” Nat’s eyes narrow. “I just thought I heard that you dropped out?”
“Who’d you hear that from?”

“Laura Lee maybe. Or I guess I heard it from Misty who heard it from Jackie who heard it from Laura Lee. They said your mom said some things at church I think. Asking for prayers for you during a difficult time or something.”

“That’s just like her to rat me out like that?”

“Who? Laura Lee?”

“No. My mom”

Nat shifts around uneasily in her seat. She’s never been fully comfortable talking about parents. Especially not Lottie’s.

“Listen, I didn't mean to pry. It’s just…”

“Just what?”

“Just… I don’t know. Listen we don’t have to talk about this”

“That would be nice yeah.”

“Sorry”

“No, it's fine. I’m just not ready to talk about it yet.”

Nat nods a little shamefully. “Misty broke up with me cause I love her too much.”

“That can’t be the only reason.” Lottie laughs. “But it does seem like a very Misty thing to do.”

“Yeah. Yeah it really is. She’s a fucking goofy little cornball. But unfortunately I’m very attracted to that.”

“And unfortunately she’s very attracted to your melancholic ass.”

“How would you know that?”

“Nat she’s been in love with you forever. The only surprising thing about your relationship is that it’s happened so soon.”

“You think this has been a long time coming?”

“In a way yeah.”
“You know she’s been planning to propose to me?”

“Jesus christ that’s… Intense.”

“Yeah. She’s been carrying the ring around too, waiting for the right moment.”

“Jesus. Did she have it at the party last night?”

“Yeah! That’s actually how I learned about it.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“Are you gonna say yes?”

“I mean if it’s as predetermined as you say it is I don’t think I really have a choice right.”

“I didn’t say that. You still have a choice if you want one.”

“Yeah. Maybe.” Nat stares off into the middle distance again. Lost deep in thought for a moment. “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah of course. But if this is more about the time I spent away then-”

“It’s not. I promise.” Nat cuts her off. “I’ve just been thinking about something and I don’t know anyone who is more introspective than you. You might be the only one who can help me answer this question.”

“Okay.” Lottie smiles. It’s nice to be known again. Even this little bit “Shoot”

“Do you believe in like that manifestation crap?”

“Well it’s not crap. It’s mindfulness”

“Yeah. Which im sure is a great therapy tool. But do you actually believe it? Like do you believe another you or a different life is just another thought away?”

“I mean yeah on some level I do. I think a solid amount of things are just perspective. You can probably change your trajectory like that. But on a certain level you are who you are. You have to be realistic about staying in that lane”

“So you don’t think you can change your fate?”

“I think… Have you ever heard of the concept of retrocausuality?”

“No but it sounds like some new age spiritual bullshit.”

“Maybe it is. But it’s basically the idea that like things in the future can influence the past. We typically think of our lives as a line of you know linear cause and effect. But there’s not a whole lot of reason it can’t go the other way”

“You’ve lost me”

“Okay think about it like this. If you were hungry you’d get something to eat right?”

“A sandwich.”

“Right yeah If you were hungry you’d go eat a sandwich. And then you’d be full. Well retrocausuality would say because you were full in the future you were always gonna eat something. Maybe that sandwich.”

“What?”

“Yeah it’s a little insane. But I think there might be something to it.”

“This sounds less like a philosophical argument and more like you just reversed the cause and effect.”

“Well yeah I guess. Let me give you a different example. Do you remember when I started transitioning?”

“Yeah. Of course”

“Well when I first started questioning my gender I was looking for all these signs and signifiers that I had been a girl this whole time. You know like I really liked the color pink over the color blue or I had played with dolls or whatever. And I guess that was helpful at first. But then the feeling started to get more complicated. Like the looking for evidence became redundant because I was always gonna end up being trans. It was unavoidable. So it’s like. Idk my gender came before any of the evidence for it. From my perspective the gnc child I used to be happened because of who I am now. Does that make sense?”

“You know what? In a weird way it does. This is some seriously woo-woo shit though”

“Yeah I won’t deny that.”

“Well Lot” Nat’s face now grows more somber by the second. “I think I really gotta start preparing to face my ex. You can get back down the ladder right?”

“Yeah I mean I guess I can. But I can’t just come inside now?”

“No. I think that might be a really bad idea actually. I can hold the ladder up here while you climb down though.”

“Alright I guess” Lottie stands up from her seat. Thinking a hug might be too much she extends her hand for a handshake. Nat returns one that is disinterested. But more unsure than it is weak. And then Lottie swings a leg down the ladder, climbs down, waves goodbye. She is unable to decide whether this was good or if she was helpful. But she does decide regardless that she is over her weird dream and it is time to go back home.

Chapter Text

“We’re out of bacon” Misty groggily calls out with her head stuck deep in the apartment refrigerator.

Nat barely hears her. She’s focused on getting together the other things she’d need to cook them both breakfast. And also her strange conversation with Lottie.

“What was that?”

“I said we’re out of bacon honey.”

“What the fuck is bacon honey?”

Misty peaks around the door with pointed squinty eyes. “You are so dumb”

“What?”

“Bacon honey”

“Are you making fun of me?”

“No! Are you making fun of me?”

“No! I hardly ever know what you’re talking about.”

“We’re out of bacon. Comma. Honey. Darling. Lover.”

“I thought we were broken up?”

“Well I guess in a practical sense yeah. But that doesn’t mean I can’t flirt with you.”

“I think that’s exactly what that means.”

“Hmm. That doesn’t sound right to me.”

“Whatever. I was gonna make pancakes anyway. Is the bacon really that essential right now?”

“Right now. Yesterday. Tomorrow. Yes it is Nat. I wanted to make us a special breakfast this morning.”

“For what?”

“I don’t know. Tomorrow is the start of another school year. You’ve been having a hard time. I’ve been having a hard time. I don’t have one specific reason. I just wanted to do something nice.”

“And this isn’t about the breakup?”

“Maybe a little. But not explicitly.”

“Alright. Fine” Nat says begrudgingly heading off to the bedroom to get changed into fresh clothes. Nat never really pictured herself in whatever this domestic bliss was. A world where she went off to buy groceries and brought them home for her girlfriend to cook was so far out of the realm of imagination it was something she completely abhorred. But something changed in her when she began to fall for Misty. Perhaps she lost a little bit of her edge. Or maybe she just matured. But as she grew closer to Misty she did not imagine just kissing and smoking and lounging around tangled in each other like she had with all her other lovers. She imagined buying silverware. She imagined picking out furniture together. She imagined what it would be like to build a home for the first time in her life. And while she squared it as a good change it did not make her fully comfortable. She enjoyed it but something was wrong she could not fully put her finger on.

Nat emerges back into the kitchen dressed all in black and her signature leather jacket. “So honey right? Do we need anything else” She questions while fluffing her hair on the way out the door.

“Jesus christ Nat no. Bacon. Why are you so distracted this morning? Are you high already?”

“No! You’re too paranoid?”

“Am I? If you aren’t high then what is it? Is it whatever you and Lottie were talking about on the balcony this morning?”

“You heard that?”

“Nothing specifically but I heard her voice and I saw her leave. Why? Should I be worried about her?”

It would be a lie to say Nat has never thought about Lottie romantically. But it would not be truthful to say it’s ever been in serious consideration either. Nothing more really than a passing what if a long time ago. And in that daydream Nat had concluded that they were just too different. Maybe they could have fun together if every single thing about Lottie was different. But as it was Nat couldn’t honestly imagine a world where they could be happy together. And so it was nothing at all. Same as this baseless accusation.

“Worried about her in what way exactly?” Nat spits back

“I don’t know. But you’re obviously conspiring with her behind my back!”

“We weren’t conspiring. We were just catching up.”

Misty pouts and huffs but stands firm. “I’m gonna choose to believe you about this. But don’t think I won’t do something if she becomes a problem”

“Well don’t start sharpening your knives because there’s nothing between us. Okay?”

“Okay”

“Alright.” Nat smiles and begins to pull Misty into a big hug. Misty tucks her arms into her chest to be completely enveloped into Nat's arms and she nuzzles her head into the crook of her neck.

These are the moments that have made it all worth it. To hold Misty’s tiny frame in her arms. Feeling her heart flutter with composure. And the warmth in her cheeks. It’s made every difference in the world that she has been here to make things good. That they’ve done it together. It’s erased every shitty thing she’s had to go through that’s made her feel less than worthless. Absolved her of every aimless mistake she’s made. To her to be loved is to be made a purpose. And right now she could not ask for anything better.

“One more thing Nat” Misty says, breaking the hug slightly. She looks up at Nat. Directly in her eyes. In a voice just barely above a whisper. “This is very sweet. But I need you to know that I decided. You only have till the new year.”

Purpose.

“So I guess I better hurry back from the store.” Nat says softly and then swiftly exits out the door, down the steps, and down the sidewalk without looking back.

Nat goes to to the grocery store a couple blocks away. It’s her favorite in town because it’s big enough that they carry a lot more things than other places but its not so busy that you can’t get anything done. Another piece of domesticity she was never expecting to form an opinion on.

After a brisk walk she steps through the automatic sliding glass doors into the cool air of the store. And then she heads directly back to the butcher's desk. A stop she makes every time she comes in here.

“Hello Shauna” She says with a teasing smile. “You cut up any good pigs this morning?”

“I’m gonna start cutting myself up if I have to work here any longer” Shauna replies without an ounce of sarcasm and her big brown eyes are dead and tired. Her normally medium length brown hair is up in a hair net and her hands are wrapped in plastic gloves. Pale as she had ever been. There’s looking like a minimum wage employee and then there’s this. It’s easy to see Shauna is in hell right now.

Shauna started working here last January. She said it was to earn a little extra money and help her pay for school. But all anybody heard was that she needed to get away from Jackie. And it’s not worked that well cause Jackie is in here nearly as much as Nat. The two of them are inseparable. And it’s totally and completely their own fault. They’ve been in love with each other for years if not decades at this point. But both are either in too much denial about it or they just enjoy torturing themselves and each other about it. All their friends have given up on trying to fix the problem and are just letting them sort it out themselves. Van and Tai took bets around how long it would take them to get together a couple years ago. Nat’s got 20 bucks on sometime between 28-30. Since then the only significant compromise in their relationship is that Shauna finally let Jackie paint their room pink and green.

“Just think Shauna. You only gotta do this everyday for the rest of your life.”

“If I thought there was any chance of me still being here even just a year from now I would put my hand in the meat slicer tomorrow?”

“Why tomorrow?”

“I’ve already mentally reserved the emotional and physical toll for tomorrow. Might as well get paid for it.”

“That’s… crazy. I still don’t really understand why you picked up butchering of all things.”

Shauna shrugs. “It’s fun I guess.”

“I guess I’ll take your word for it. But I think we really gotta get you a new hobby. Or a dog or a girlfriend or something.”

“Like who?”

It takes literally everything in Nat not to say it. She’s winning that bet.

“I don’t know… I mean Lottie is back now. Why not her?”

Shauna scrunches her face in consideration.

“Yeah I feel you” Nat admits. “Hey did you talk to her at all last night? DId she say where she has been?”

“I didn’t talk to her like privately but I remember someone asked and she didn’t really say much. Just that she was kinda vaguely busy.”

“Weird”

“Is it?”

“No I just mean she lied to me earlier”

“I mean it’s not like Lottie Matthews is exactly known for being dependable.”

“Yeah. I guess that’s a good point”

“Anyway I don’t think Lottie has crushes. Or even likes people. And if she did she’s not really my kind of preppy femme anyway.”

“Okay… So then Mari. I always thought you guys would work well together”

“How so?”

“You both are like the same person different font.”

Shauna considers it for a moment. A smile begins to find the corners of her mouth before she suppresses it. “I don’t think I see what you do but I guess I’m not against it. Does Mari even like girls?”

“I don’t think anyone we hang out with even really thinks about boys.”

“I’m bi.”

“Yeah! Sure! Totally!”

“Don’t be an ass.”

“I’m not! I’m just saying I’ve never seen you look at a man that wasn’t already with a girl you wanted to get with.”

“What? Like who?”

“Huh?”

“Name one person”

“You don’t remember the time Randy Walsh kissed Melissa in seventh grade and you spent three months after swearing you were in love with him.”

“God. Please stop talking.”

“Hey I didn’t wanna bring it up. Anyway my point is why not just try talking to Mari? She works at the starbucks here doesn’t she?”

“If she hasn’t gotten fired yet.”

“Yeah, it's honestly impressive. She gave me a latte with no coffee in it one time.”

“Damn. That girl is a mess.”

“And she could be your mess Shauna!”

“Yeah I guess. Maybe. I don’t think she or all of our friends are into girls though.”

“Oh yeah who else isn’t?”

“Jackie isn’t.”

Nat doesn’t know how to respond. She just stares back at Shauna and tries not to laugh or show her utter confusion.

“What” Shauna asks a bit forcefully.

“Nothing. I just think you got nothing to lose by just trying. You know”

“Yeah, I guess. Hey Are you and Misty coming to Van and Taissa’s cabin trip”

“What?”

“Oh you were pretty high last night and probably didn’t hear. Yeah so Tai and Van are planning a trip for fall break and they want a bunch of people to come to some cabin down in the pine barrens.”

“With the fucking Jersey Devil?”

“I think Van explicitly sent her an invite, yeah.”

“Makes sense. Well. Oh uh. Hm.” This was probably not the time to break the news to Shauna. Besides, Nat would not let this go on for more than a week or two anyway. There was no real need to tell everyone about the breakup. Plus even if it went longer this trip seemed like the perfect opportunity to show her dedication. A romantic get away had just been perfectly placed in her lap. She just had to perfect it. She has to perfect herself. How hard could that really be? Does Misty really expect perfection? No. It’s just effort she wants. And Nat could do effort. “Well this has become not an easy question for me to answer right now. I’ll have to ask Misty”

“I think you gotta tell Tai and Van about it pretty soon. They’re trying to find a place.”

“Word.” Nats head began to spin up with ideas and plans she could do between now and then. Maybe she’s the one who needs to get a dog. Or pick up a hobby. She could try rock climbing with Jackie. Or maybe she could go work at the shelter with Akilah. Or maybe even start running with Tai every morning. Or maybe not. A lot of options in front of her. She knows she needs to make a decision. But it’s not gonna happen standing here talking to Shauna.

“Alright I gotta get out of here. Misty is waiting on me to get breakfast. Are you coming to the bar later?”

“No, I still gotta pick up some stuff for class tomorrow. I think Jackie was saying she was gonna stop by though.

“Alright. I’ll be waiting for her I guess. See ya later Shauna!”

“Bye”

Nat journeys over to the freezer section and picks up a couple packs of bacon and then a couple packs of gum. She read once that a lot of people use sugar free gum to help them quit smoking. She doesn’t really plan to quit cold turkey right now but at least going through the motions of quitting is probably better than not starting at all right?

When she’s back at home Misty is in her room not making a sound. So she gets right to cooking for the both of them. And when she’s done she calls for her ex girlfriend. Misty simply comes, grabs her plate, and then heads right back to her room to eat alone. They used to try to eat together every morning. Nat is surprised at the simpleness of this. It hadn’t really sunk in how lonely this was going to be. At least not until now.

Nat eats alone and then plays around in her room a little making plans before she has to go to work. She’s been working at this bar called “Nationals” for a couple years now. They won’t let her make drinks or serve alcohol cause she’s not 21 yet. So she’s mostly just been stocking the bar and cleaning. But that all changes in a couple weeks. Then she can finally start getting paid real money and have fun doing it.

The bar opens at 12. She gets there an hour early to help open. Not long after her work best friend arrives. Ben. She’s known him for a long time. He was an assistant coach for their soccer team way back when they were underclassmen. He was a decent coach but more importantly he was a good man. When Nat’s father died he was really there for her in a way most other adults weren’t. While they didn’t exactly become friends then, Nat did have a huge amount of respect for him. He eventually quit and moved onto some other job and Nat didn’t see him again until she came to this very bar her in what would have been her freshmen year of college. She tried to buy a drink with a fake id and he recognized her. Rather than calling the cops he had tried to help her. Got her a job there. Watched over her. And then slowly they did become real friends. Nat has a lot of good friends. But there’s no relationship in her life she appreciates quite the same as the one she does with Ben.

Ben is a nice guy. Probably too nice for his own good. Sometimes he gives the girls a drink if they come around. And he doesn’t tell anyone about the drinks that Nat sneaks every now and then. Even though he really probably should. But Ben knows for a fact that he can’t control these girls. He tried once a long time ago and it never really worked out. He sure as hell isn’t gonna try now that they’re all nearly grown up. He’s just happy for them and happy to keep an eye out and make sure they stay safe.

Ben and Natalie make small talk throughout the day until things begin to get busier. They talk about Nat’s classes and Ben’s plans to propose to his boyfriend Paul. She doesn’t mention her breakup with Misty because she’s still not considering it a big deal. Also because of several incidents that have transpired between the two. Like the time she roofied him when she was trying to roofie someone who was trying to roofie Jackie. Or the time she hit him with her car. Or the time she nearly got him fired. All provable verifiable accidents. But she’s still a sore subject for him so Nat leaves her out for once.

Nat doesn’t hate her job. Or at least not nearly as much as Shauna hates hers. It’s fine. Nothing more. Nothing less. It pays the bills and puts her through college for now. Even with the pay raise that will come with her birthday she’ll have to get a second job again eventually. But that’s a problem for another day frankly. The only problem is it doesn’t make her feel particularly fulfilled. Which was not a problem before. But it’s been at the back of her mind and now that Misty has forced the issue it’s all she could really think of.

Nat doesn’t really have any plans for her life. There’s a part of her that’s just surprised she made it this far. And she feels dazed and confused at the surrealness of how everything just keeps going. She’s just flying by the seat of her pants and trying to get through each hour in the day. There’s no dreams or wishes in her head. She just wants to feel good. Which is a good thing right? Really what does she need to do other than be happy every now and then and survive? She knows this to be true deep down in her heart. But in her head she knows Misty would disagree. She can’t stay like this forever. But she truly has no idea what else to become. The world is so big and wide and sometimes she really questions if any part of it was built for her.

The melancholy of a gay bar on a Monday afternoon before classes was getting to her. This wasn’t a place to think. It certainly wasn’t a place to be this sad. Though she can’t really leave. Can’t really go smoke even though she really wants to. And she can’t really think about other things without solving the Misty shaped hole in her future. So she just has to pop a stick of gum and feel out of place for a while. Be the sad sack in the corner while a tacky edm remix of some
Madonna song played just a little too loud.

But then just an hour before her shift ends she appears. Just like Shauna said she would. A small slender girl with creamy tanned skin, big hazel eyes, light brown hair, considerably dressed down in just a polo t-shirt and jeans. Jackie Taylor.

Jackie was one of Nat’s oldest friends. Perhaps the only person who eclipsed her was Van. But even the relationship they had was not to be compared to the irregular friendship between Jackie and Nat.

The thing about Jackie Taylor is that wherever she is love follows. Jackie Taylor has never been alone. She’s never been lonely like Nat has. She’s a good person. Sometimes she can be a bit of an airhead. But she always has good intentions. And that’s what makes it hard for Nat to be friends with her all the time.

Nat would describe Jackie best as a ray of sunshine. Nat would describe herself best as a cloud of smoke. Maybe one made the other look a little more interesting but they by no means needed each other. Jackie reminded her of this often. She’s always doing something. Always involved. Always with someone. Her life was full of people and experiences and love and care and Nat was very often alone. Waiting for her friend to remember she exists. And then they just kinda grew apart. And then Shauna took her place. Nat didn’t feel too hurt about it. But sometimes she does wonder what life would be like if they had remained tied together like they did when they were 10. She’s not sure Jackie thinks about it at all.

Her big hazel eyes sweep the crowd as she walks in and then settle on Nat. Despite everything she gives a big warm knowing smile and Nat feels instantly comfortable. She moves through the crowd like she’s supposed to be here. Jackie Taylor has never been out of place. She is the place.

“Natalie Scatorccio” She says with a kind smile.

“Jackie Taylor” Nat replies with just a heap of snark.

Jackie rolls her eyes, takes a seat beside Nat at the bar, and then tries as hard as she can to put on a serious face. “I got beef with you Scatorccio”

“With me? Why?”

“You told Shauna that she should date Mari.”

“Yeah I think they’d be good together. They work in the same place. Both stubborn as a bull. They’re both really attracted to power. I think they could fix each other weirdly enough.”

“They’d make each other worse. It’s not a good match?”

“Why?

“Well for one Shauna fucking hates her.”

“That’s not the vibe I got.”

“Yeah well I don’t get vibes from Shauna Shipman. I know her better than she knows herself and trust me when I say Shauna would rather eat her alive.”

“Alright fine! I’ll concede you’re the Shauna expert here.”

“Damn right.” Jackie waves down Ben with a pleased look on her face and orders two vodka crans. He brings back a single shot of vodka and a bottle of water. Probably for the best. Jackie famously cannot hold her alcohol.

“So then who should she date?” Nat asks with a huge smile on her face.

Jackie searches her mind for a minute for an answer. Her eyes staring a thousand miles away as she’s lost in thought for longer than either girl anticipated. And finally when she looks ready to speak she down the whole shot in one gulp, cringes, sticks out her tongue at the taste and then confidently says “No one”

“Really? You want your best friend to be alone forever?”

“No, that's not what I’m saying. I don’t think Shauna should date anyone cause I don’t think anyone is worthy of her. But should that person come along they should skip the entire process of feeling her out. She deserves to be married on the spot.”

“That’s intense.”

“She’s an intense girl.”

“That’s underselling it.”

“You don’t gotta tell me twice.” Jackie tries waving down Ben for another drink. But when she gets his attention he only points to the still unopened bottle of water in front of her. “But anyway.” She starts again in a hushed tone. “I didn’t come here to talk about Shipman. I wanted to talk about you Nat. I heard about the breakup. Are you alright?”

“How the fuck did you hear about the breakup? Did Lottie tell you?”

“Lottie? No? You’ve been talking to Lottie?”

“Yeah but purely accidentally. It’s a weird story. You know she straight up lied to my face?”

“About what?”

“Well do you remember when Laura Lee told us she dropped out and then said her mother said some things at church that implied she was in the hospital?”

“Yeah of course!”

“Well I asked her about it. She just said she was at school.”

“I don’t think that’s totally a lie Nat.”

“Well it’s not really the truth either is it?”

“Maybe she’s just not ready to talk about it.”

“Yeah maybe I guess. I just didn’t think she would lie to me like that.”

“Geez you seem more upset about this than your breakup.”

God Nat hated to admit it but there was a nugget of truth there. She hadn’t been upset about her breakup. She had no plans to be upset about it. But maybe she should. Maybe this was the problem. She doesn’t have anything to reply. She’s just been caught.

“It’s alright Nat. You can come be alone with me.”

“I think we have very different definitions of alone.”

“How so?”

“It doesn’t matter. Plus this is only temporary. We’re getting back together soon.”

“Are you sure about that? Misty seemed pretty determined last night?”

“Misty told you about it?”

“Yeah well I mean you were pretty knocked out last night. I was offering to her to help get you home and she declined and we had a little heart to heart and I guess it just slipped out. I’m sorry if this is like hurting your feelings.”

“A little yeah.” Nat could feel a well of sadness beginning to pool in her chest. Was everyone gonna lie to her today. Did she really have a good grasp of anything? “She assured me this was temporary but conditional. You getting an opposite reading does feel a bit shitty.”

“I’m sorry Nat. What’s the condition? Maybe I could help you?”

“Fuck me Jackie” Her eyes begin to get a bit misty. But she refuses to let a single tear fall. “I don’t think you can.”

“What? Why?”

“The condition is I basically have to learn to love myself.”

“Well that’s not too hard.”

“I didn’t think it was.”

“And it isn’t! There’s so much to love about you Nat”

God Jackie could be kinda insufferable sometimes. But every now and then she just hit the nail on the head. She knew how to be comforting. Knew the right things to say and how and when to say them. That was not a skill a lot of people had. But it's one Nat would always appreciate in Jackie.

“You’re fucking cool.” Jackie continues so passionately. “And you don’t care what anyone thinks about you. And you’ve worked so hard it’s impossible not to be proud of you. Maybe you’re not there yet but you’re becoming something so beautiful and I'm so glad I get to witness it. I wish you could see it through my eyes. Honestly”

“Thanks Jackie” is all she can muster. If all that had come from someone else it would be a bunch of platitudinous bullshit. But Jackie made it mean something in the way only Jackie could.

“You’re welcome Nat. And even if it doesn’t work out with Misty. I want you to know I still love you okay?”

Nat cannot even begin to think about a world in which it doesn’t work out. She changes the subject. “You know Lottie told me something when we talked. It was some woo-woo bullshit but I can’t get it out of my head.”

“Seems par for the course. What was it?”

“It was this idea that the future you could influence the past you in some way.”

“How?”

“Fuck if i know. I was still coming down when she explained it and barely understood what she was saying. But it was something like you’re always gonna end up being the person you’re meant to be.”

“Well that seems depressing. Like you can’t actually change your fate?”

“Yes. Well no. It sounded a lot better when she explained it. It was like comforting instead of horribly depressing. Like you are always on the right path.”

“Well what if that right path isn’t a good one. What if it’s a tragedy?”

“I don’t know Jackie. I told you this wasn’t my bullshit.”

“Right yeah. What made you think of this?”

“I was just thinking like. In my head it’s been a foregone conclusion that we’d get back together. And if Lottie’s right then I’m right. I think.”

“And if she’s wrong?”

“Then I think I really need to join a gym or something.” Nat holds her head in her hands. Her brain is absolutely swimming in possibilities and permutations. None of which made any particular amount of sense. “I don’t know”

Jackie slides an arm around Nat’s shoulders. “It’s alright Nat. I’ll take you rock climbing Saturday.”

“Ugh”

“Oh come on, it will be fun!”

“Maybe. Let me see how I’m feeling after classes.”

“Of course! And speaking of, I really gotta get home to sleep. I have an early class tomorrow and I really didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Yeah that’s a good idea. I barely slept at all last night too.”

Jackie stands up and twirls around in place to scan the room. Looking for something although Nat’s not sure what. When she doesn’t find it she turns back to Nat, pulls her jacket a little tighter around her shoulders, and hugs Nat goodbye. And then she’s gone just as subtly as she appeared.

Nat spends the last bit of her shift making small talk with a couple patrons and washing dishes. When she gets home Misty isn’t there. She makes herself dinner and eats it on the balcony while she smokes. And then she brushes her teeth, packs her bag for tomorrow, and then goes to bed.

And in her dreams her hands are still covered in blood.

Chapter Text

On the Saturday morning after the first week of classes Lottie meets Laura Lee at a coffee shop just a block away from her house. She arrives first. Does a dizzy dance around the place looking for a spot comfortable enough for her. She orders a latte. With maca root cause she’s trying something new. And then she sits and waits. And waits. And waits. Each second feels like an hour to her. She hasn’t slept well since Sunday.

And eventually Laura Lee does arrive right on time. Smiling and happy and friendly as ever. But she’s greeted with Lottie’s tired eyes and the fawning look on her face.

Lottie would have done this regardless. She would have met Laura Lee on the moon if it had been asked of her. But she’s here now because she’s at her wits end. She needs answers only her best friend can provide.

“So you had the dream too?” Lottie impatiently but softly looking up at the other girl.

“Hold on” Laura lee says taking in the desperation of the situation she has unknowingly got herself into. “Let me get a drink first.” Lottie lets her and she does. Leaving Lottie alone to her thoughts.

This was not a good idea. Lottie knew this. But not sleeping at night was worse. And if that could be made into a choice then she had to choose to sleep better. She had to follow this breadcrumb trail of *something* that lead to something even less clear. She’d do anything now just to be told an encouraging word. To infect her mind with just literally any other words than her own.

Laura Lee arrives again with some fruity tea and considerably more somber than before.

“I didn’t mean to freak you out Laura Lee” Lottie confesses. “I just really need to know about this.”

“No, it's fine. I’m just worried about you Lottie.” Lottie doesn’t really have a rebuttal. She just sits and stares and tries to make Laura Lee see her desperation show on her face. She knows this is a worrying situation. Especially for herself. But she needed answers more than she needs a resolution right now. She didn’t like to be pitied. But she’d play a long right now. Especially for her. “You called me really early this morning.” Laura Lee continues. “I was scared something happened to you. And then you were talking all frantic and I’m not sure I told you the right things.”

“Told me the rights things? What do you mean?”

“I mean I’m not sure I remember the exact details of the dream I had. I told you I did cause I wanted to ease your nerves. I didn’t think it was so important to you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay Laura Lee.” Lottie didn’t need to know all the details. Just enough to know that they were somehow connected. “Just tell me anything you remember.”

“Okay. I can try. But first before I begin, have you even eaten anything this morning?”

Lottie is honestly not sure. Eating hadn’t even been on her mind. She had a vague memory of grabbing a granola bar when she was heading out the door. But she also remembers thinking she’d just buy something when she got here. Which she obviously never did. And did she actually eat the granola bar? Or was that a memory from a couple days ago?

“Here.” Laura Lee says pulling out a scone she had clearly just bought and handing it to Lottie.

“Thank you.” Lottie sheepishly takes the food while she regathers her thoughts.

“Okay so I was lost alone in the woods. And I was walking a while trying to find my way back to anything. And then at some point for some reason I looked down at Leonard and he was covered in blood.”

“Who’s Leonard?”

“You know who Leonard is.”

“Holy shit Leonard the teddy bear? I didn’t know you still had him.”

“Of course I still have him. I mean I don't take him everywhere like I used to. But he’s around.”

“That’s very sweet Laura Lee.” Lottie remembers Leonard very well. He’s probably the best taken care of teddy bear in the whole of New Jersey. Laura Lee’s attachment to him always seemed so sweet and innocent. It honestly used to be a very cute and wholesome thing to witness up close. Which is why Lottie secretly hated him so much. Her teenage mind used to want nothing more than to be in its place. To be that close. To be that loved. To be that well taken care of. Eventually she did realize it was dumb to be jealous of a stuffed animal. But she never really got over it. “What happened next?”

“Well naturally I tried to get the blood off of him.”

“How?”

“Well there was a stream nearby so I went and poured water over him to try and get some of the blood off.”

“And did it work?”

“No, I think it actually made it worse. It’s like the blood came out of nowhere. For a second I think I thought that he might be bleeding but I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t even know how I knew but the blood wasn’t coming from inside him. It’s like it was coming from somewhere else.”

“And you don’t know where?”

“No. Is that anything like your dream? You said something about choking?”

“Yeah. No. I mean kind of. Same bones and everything. But the blood in my dream is in my mouth and I choke on it till I wake up.”

“Oh my goodness Lottie I’m so sorry. You’ve had this dream more than once?”

“Every night this week yeah.”

“So on top of classes and everything else you also haven’t been sleeping?”

“Yeah it’s-”

“And you also haven’t been eating?” Laura Lee cuts her off. Lottie had previously been avoiding making eye contact. But the sudden immediacy of Laura Lee brought back her focus. She looked at her with soft gentle eyes. The same you might look at a wild rabbit with if you didn’t want it to run away.

“No. I haven’t but-”

“Have you talked to your mom lately?”

“No. And I don’t really plan on it either. I’m an adult now and I can handle this myself.”

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to say you couldn’t take care of yourself. I’m merely saying you don’t have to do it alone.”

“Thank you Laura Lee. But that’s exactly why I called you. If anyone will understand I know it’s you.”

“Understand what?”

“The dream. Its significance. What does it mean?”

“What makes you think it means anything?”

A familiar frustration begins to overtake Lottie. It happens whenever things like this happen. Whenever someone tries to make her doubt herself. Like the things she sees and feels and experiences aren't real. Or that she’s somehow bad at communicating them. It drives her insane. Because once the battle lines have been drawn at whether she’s trustworthy or not it becomes so difficult to pull it back to the validity of the point she was trying to make originally. It’s like she can never have a thought or idea or experience without it having to be validated by someone else. And sometimes she’s just wrong. That’s not the worst thing in the world. Or at least it shouldn’t be. She’s not crazy.

“I feel it Laura Lee. I feel it so innately to the way I think about it. The way I experience it. The way it has affected every part of my life. There’s something more to this I just don’t know what yet. Listen having the same dream twice in a row is probably pretty common. Doing it 5 times in a row is something to pay attention to. Having the same dream as someone else 5 times in a row is cosmically significant. It has to be. You can’t tell me any part of this is normal.”

“No. No it’s not normal Lottie. And.” Laura Lee takes a big pause as if really considering the impact of what she’s about to say. “I think you might be on to something.”

“Seriously?”

Laura Lee closes her eyes and shakes her head solemnly. “Yes.”

“And what do you think it means?”

“I don’t know. But I think maybe it’s not for me to know.”

“What do you mean? You think it’s important but you’re not gonna help me figure it out?”

“No. I just mean. Lottie. I think God has a plan for you. I know God has a plan for you. And I can’t explain whatever is happening here other than divine intervention. Think about the timing. You move back home and start school and suddenly you start having weird dreams? It has to mean something. I think God talks to us all. In ways we can’t always understand. Maybe that’s what this is for you. Maybe you’re right where you’re supposed to be and this is his way of letting you know that. There’s a plan here. For you. A design for the life you’re meant to live. And I’m sorry I don’t think I can interpret it in the right way.”

What a nice thought it is to think that there was anywhere Lottie Matthews belonged. She’s not sure she can muster up the faith to believe in everything Laura Lee has said. But she can’t deny that she may be onto something. Maybe this is a good thing somehow.

“But if you had to give an interpretation?”

If I had to I’d think about Moses. Ezekiel. Jonah. All the great prophets in the bible were given a message by God because they were the ones chosen to give it. It couldn’t have been anyone else. The messenger is part of the message.”

“You think I’m a prophet?”

“I don’t know. Maybe? I don’t know how else to explain these cryptic dreams. If you think they mean something I’m not seeing then maybe they do. But my point is also kinda... God communicates in mysterious ways that don’t make a lot of sense. I think what’s happening to you is happening for a reason.”

“But it’s also happening to you?”

“And I just don’t feel the same about it. Clearly you have some kind of deeper connection to it than I do. I don’t think I’m meant for this. But I’m gonna pray about it regardless. We can pray together if you’d like?”

Lottie hated to pray. Especially in public like this. She had plenty of complaints about her mothers religion. But most of them centered around how ceremonial everything is. She has never been one to want to make a show of things.

“No. At least not right now. I don’t think I’m at a praying about it place just yet.”

“That’s fine. Would you maybe consider coming to church on sunday? With me?”

“I’ll think about it Laura Lee. But I can’t make any promises.”

“That’s all I can ask.”

Seeing her humility almost makes Lottie agree. She’d do most things for Laura Lee. This just couldn’t be one of them. She couldn’t let her mother see her like this. Not under any circumstance.

But still it was enticing to spend any time with Laura Lee. But as she thought more about it the more she began to feel as if she might cry. Any thought about Laura Lee came with thinking about the insurmountable walls between them. Lottie knew her better than she knew anyone else in the world. And yet she did not know how to make herself hers. She’d watched Laura Lee crush on a couple boys. And feel embarrassed about a couple girls. Lottie doesn’t want to cause her any pain. But deep down she wants to be the one she gets embarrassed about. She wants to be wanted. Even if she is not entirely sure about what love feels like anyway. She’s never been loved back. At least not romantically. She’s kissed plenty of people but she’s never once been touched the way she’s wanted. But she knows that Laura Lee does. She knows she’d be treated well. That’s all Laura Lee has ever done is treat her well. She cares about Lottie’s soul. Not just her image or the way she dresses or the way she talks. Lottie has always felt card about in a way more deeply and comforting than anyone else has ever given her. And she never wants to let it go. She never wants it to end. But the walls between them. The unnameable truth that stood between them. And now a new thing ran interference. Lottie’s own mind. Which had betrayed her time and time again. Holding her back from countless things. And now this. She didn’t want to not spend time with Laura Lee. But she just simply could not do it in this state.

The rest of their conversation continues somberly. They discuss their classes and their classmates and professors. Laura Lee reveals she plans to start taking some seminary classes a couple towns over. Lottie tries to hide the fact that she doesn’t really have anything at all going on.

When the conversation is over and the drinks are finished Laura Lee is the first to leave. They hug and make plans to meet again some other time that isn’t a sunday. Lottie’s heart swells just a bit with Laura Lee’s goodwill. But not enough to put her at ease. And when Laura Lee looks back one last time on her way out the door Lottie cannot decide if her expression is more fit for hope or fear

When she gets back home she wars over what her next steps should be. She knows she should probably sleep. But she knows what will happen if she does. So instead she tries to do some school work. But after a couple hours of completely fruitless attempts she relents. And attempts to take a nap. As she lays there curled in her covers she can already feel the emptiness at the back of her throat. She can feel it itching with potential. It distracts her from really getting comfortable and sleep eludes her entirely. It’s suffocatingly hot in the late September heat and her mind is racing. So she instead rolls out her yoga mat to go through a routine. If she can’t sleep naturally then she’d tire herself out. Nearly a half hour later when she’s sweaty and flat on the floor in her best savasana she nearly reaches sleep. She lays there trying to reach peace. Some kind of internal oneness. But ultimately her thoughts are still too fast. She loses track of time for a while. But not nearly for as long as she was hoping for.

She was now beginning to get desperate. Her mind felt dulled like it was stuffed full of cotton. And there is a terrible ache running throughout her entire body. As if gravity was suddenly affecting her worse than before. And worst of all she was now hot and sweaty and sticky. Her entire body and mind was rebelling against her. She had to do something before she started ripping out her own hair.

She needs chemicals. She needs stimulants. Uppers. Downers. Whatever. She’ll deal with the consequences later. One problem at a time.

Tucked away in a bag deep in her closet she finds an old emergency bottle of wine. She was saving this for a special occasion. Or perhaps a time when she had a friend or somebody else over. But this was just as good if not more important than all those things. She could always buy more emergency wine if she needed anyway.

She twists off the cap and pours a large glass that takes nearly half the bottle. She takes big gulps. Now is not the time for a fun light wine drunk buzz. She needed to get drunk and fast. It tastes after drinking it this way but it does exactly what she intends for it to do. Sure enough that warm drunk feeling begins to leak into every inch of her after a while. And it feels so good. Her mind begins to quiet just a little bit. The racing thoughts in her mind calm down to just a couple more manageable ideas. And within them she finds one good one.

She pulls out her phone and hovers her finger over the call button for Nat. This is probably a bad idea. But what if Nat had also been having the dreams more often? Wouldn’t it be good to call and check?

It also occurs to Lottie that if she had been having the dreams then she hadn’t called her to check either. It was like her to be either way. Suffer in silence and forget about her. But maybe she’s also having a tough time Lottie considers. Maybe she could really use a friend to talk to about this and it would be better to just call.

But as she debates back and forth she finally finds what she’s looking for. Sleep.

But not for long.

She wakes up a couple hours later in the dark, coughing and gasping for breath. Still a bit tired. Still a bit groggy from being drunk. She’s reached some relief. And that has brought on new clarity. Which in turn has only made her more frustrated. She tries desperately to go back to sleep. But try as she might, it just will not take her again. So she gives up. Rolls over to grab her phone. And when she unlocks it Nat’s contact information is still there staring her in the face.

So she makes the call.

The line rings for a while. Long enough that Lottie becomes sure she’s not gonna pick up. But then she does. She calls out from the other side of the phone in a hushed hoarse tone.

“Hello? Lottie? Hello? Why are you calling me this late?”

Lottie was so focused on her plight that she hadn’t even thought to look at the time. She pulls her phone away from her face and looks at the clock. It reads 11:42 pm. Good news is she slept longer than she thought she did. Bad news is this was a hard explanation to girl on the other end of the call.

“I’m sorry Nat. I didn’t mean to bother you I just…”

“You had the dream again” Nat coldly cuts her off.

“Yeah.” Lottie replies plainly.

“I have too. Even Misty is having it now.”

“Really? So is Laura Lee.”

“Every night?”

“No. Just the once.”

“Same as Misty then. Did she have blood all over her face like Misty did too?”

“No it was on her teddy bear.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story I think. She really got off light though.”

“Tell me about it. I can’t stop having it.” Nat says with her voice growing more frustrated at every word. “You know you’re lucky you called me now. I’ve been avoiding going to sleep just so I wouldn’t have to see it.”

“I actually just woke up from having it.”

“No shit?”

“Yeah. It’s fucking awful.”

“Is that why you called? You wanted to talk about it?”

“I think so. I also wanted to check on you. See if you were going through anything close to what I was.”

“Well. Did you get what you wanted?”

“Well I’m not happy to hear you’re suffering Nat. Not at all.”

“Really?” Nat says almost incredulously.

“Yes.” Lottie says as sincerely as she can.

There’s a long pause before anything is said again. Lottie thinks she must have finally gotten through to Nat. Either that or she well and truly believes she’s making fun of her. With Nat it was a solid fifty fifty guess.

So Lottie doesn’t wait and breaks the silence herself. “Have you been sleeping well?”
“No.” Nat says with a tone that is slightly less defeated than before. “I’ve actually been trying to quit smoking. And all this laying awake at night is making it really hard.”

“You’re quitting smoking?”

“Trying to at least. Yeah.”

“And how’s it going?”

“I’m finding bubble gum is a poor replacement for a sleep aid and I spend a lot less time outside.”

“Well. I bet Misty appreciates it at least. How are things between you two?”

“I’m not sure she’s noticed to be honest. I mean she’s Misty and she notices everything. But she’s just not made it known to me.”

“And you wanna know you’re doing a good job.”

“And I wanna know that there’s an end to all of this.”

“Did something change from the last time we talked? You didn’t seem this down about this whole thing since we last spoke?”

“Not really. I guess I just feel different about it now. The only thing that’s changed is me and I’m not sure it’s for the better.”

Maybe she couldn’t relate to the situation but Lottie can for sure relate to the sentiment. Lately she’s been feeling like all she does is give up and give up and compromise. All she does is grieve.

“Where are you at right now” Lottie says after a couple moments of letting the line sit dead.

“I’m outside on the balcony chewing a pack of gum”

“Do you wanna come over?”

Nat groans over the phone while she thinks of an answer. “Ummmmmmm. No. I don’t think so Lot. I think I’m gonna ride this one out till the morning by myself. Sorry”

“No it’s fine.” And she means that. It is fine. But she’s also a little sad that Nat won’t take her up on her offer. Some part of her really wanted to see her tonight. And that part of her starts to get a little sentimental. “I’ve missed this” Lottie says, smiling.

“Missd what?” Nat says, sounding genuinely confused.

“I missed when we used to be friends.”

“Who’s fault is that Lot?”

“You’re right. And if you’re willing I’m ready to apologize. Can you let me do that?”

“No.” Nat says flatly. “Maybe another time.”

“Okay.” Lottie says smiling through the rejection. “Another time.”

“Was there anything else you wanted? I gotta tuck in sometime here soon.”

“Oh no that’s all” Lottie tries her best not to sound defeated. “I just wanted to check up on you.”

“Thank you for doing that” Nat says with a flat tone that says she is ignoring Lotties. “If anything new happens I’ll call you. Okay Lot?”

“Okay Nat. Goodnight”

“Wait.” Nat interjects. There’s a pause before the next words. In it Lottie imagines all the things Nat wants to say. All the mean nasty things she probably deserves to be told. All the things she’s been afraid to hear from someone else’s mouth for years. He braces to be torn to shreds. But it doesn’t come. It’s just Nat’s softened voice on the other end saying “If you wanna talk more about this then it would be better if you come visit me at the bar when I’m working.”

Lottie smiles through her words. “Which bar?”

“Do you remember that gay bar downtown people used to always talk about going to? Nationals?”

“Yeah I remember. It’s funny that you work there though.”

“Why is it funny?”

“You don’t remember what we used to call it? Nat’s?”

“I do remember. I was just hoping you wouldn’t”

“I could never forget. I think about it every time I think about you.”

“Is that because of the name or the alcohol?” Nat says suddenly a bit unsure of herself

“Maybe a little bit of both.”

“Oh” Natalie says, sounding a bit dejected.

“It’s mostly the name though. If I thought about you every time I thought about alcohol I’d be thinking about you all the time.”

“Would that be such a bad thing?”

“I guess not. No, I don’t think so. I could get used to it. The real question is, could you handle being on my mind all the time?” Lottie says trying to joke her way through the seriousness of this moment.

“Lottie.” Nat says gravely

“Yes?”

“I wish you had thought about me more often.”

“When?”

“When you fucking disappeared dude.”

“I did. I promise you I did.”

“Didn’t really feel like it.”

“Hey Nat.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry”

Nat says nothing in return. So Lottie just continues on.

“I mean it” Lottie says even more earnestly “We can talk about this more when I come visit you. Is that alright?”

“I guess so.”

“Okay.” There’s too much to say. There’s too much to feel. This is a good conversation to have. Just not right now. “I’m gonna let you go Nat. Is that alright?”

“Yeah… yeah it’s fine. Goodnight Lottie”

“Goodnight Natalie”

Lottie pulls the phone away from her face to see Nat has already hung up.

As she settles into bed she begins to ruminate on everything she’s just said and done. Replaying over and over and over how badly she’d handled that. Everything she could have done better. Have phrased differently. More truthfully. She feels so embarrassed to probably just have ruined this relationship.

Her thoughts do not only stay with Nat. They drift to Laura Lee. To her dreams. To god. To her mom. Everything is so complicated. So wrapped up in each other. In her lack of ability to be a real person. She looks back over her busy day and sees only ways life had been made more difficult for her. Whether through her own actions or through things entirely outside of her control. She felt like a failure who would almost surely fail again. She dreads the morning. She dreads sleep. She dreads her dreams. There’s no comfort for her. It can’t be fixed. It’s all fucked.

And somewhere in the middle of the spiral she has thrown herself into she manages to accidentally avoid the effort of putting herself to sleep. With her brain focused on something else the exhaustion finally takes over her. And she goes peacefully to sleep

And that night for the first time all week she does not dream. She only sleeps.