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I’ve tried and lost track of the days. no way to tell. Not even a window to signal the passage of time outside this damned ship. I’m growing aching, the titan hasn’t taken me out in what feels like a couple days. I should be relieved; I’m not. It only means he’s thinking longer, and that means I will be in a hel of a lot more pain. What am I fighting for? I'm not exactly sure, my body simply acts without my control. Would the sweet relief of death ever embrace me? Would it rescue me from this void if my family won’t? Should I still be calling them my family? Do I remain theirs? These chains are getting irritating, norns, I need to stand up, or lay down. There are 7 tiles going across, and 4 horizontal. So perhaps around 28 tiles beneath me? It’s all I can do to prevent myself from going mad. I do hope these cuts don’t dry out, as I am writing with the blood.
Loki wrote every single thought that crossed his mind, mindlessly writing, keeping his mind off of all the overwhelmingly uncomfortable sensations around him. What was once red on the pages slowly began to dry into a rusty brown-red hue. His handwriting progressively became messier from the trembling of his hands that he just couldn’t seem to halt; the remaining burning sensation in his eyes played a part in it. While not being able to see a reflection of himself through the tiles, or anything really, it was assumed that the sight of him was not entirely appealing.
Exhaustion rippled through his chest, then made its way up to his eyes. Suddenly they were like sledgehammers against his bloodshot eyes; he didn’t resist. The heavenly bliss of sleep washed over him, the small notebook falling to his lap as his body fell against the wall.
ASGARD
Golden rays of sun blinged against the reflective surfaces of the palace. Nobles and others went about their days. Servants rushing around to complete their tasks, warriors jesting and training.
Thor, the warriors three and Sif were hanging out in the lounge room, where they often met up to discuss matters or simply just be friends. Volstagg made rowdy jokes while fandral fed into his absurd fantasies. Thor would smile, but it never really reached his eyes. His eyes kept drifting beside him, as if by habit. Longing to hear his brother's snarky remarks. Asgard moved along while it seemed Thor was frozen in time.
The trance that took hold of him quickly shattered when Fandral called out to him once again, “Thor!”
Thor's body jerked slightly, quickly looking at his friend upon realizing that he’d completely blacked out during the entire conversation. Fandral remarked, “What is the problem, my friend? You’ve been going in and out of that brain of yours all the time.”, Sif nodded in agreement before commenting, “He still hasn’t gotten over Loki”
Volstagg reminded them, “still? It has been many months, I am sure Loki would not want to see your frowns, even if he does revel in the misfortune of others-”, before Volstagg could continue, Hogun slapped his arm in a manner to say “Shut up.”.
Thor sighed, elbows resting against his knees as he gazed down at Mjolnir below him. He’d always known Loki had a rough time with life, with being discriminated against by everyone that crosses his path. It was completely unjust, yet only he and Frigga seemed to know that. And perhaps that friend he was always around in secret, Lady Sigyn, daughter of Iwaldi. Thor didn’t open his mouth about it, knowing what Odin did to Loki’s last friend, Amora. It was not just his little brother being gone that ached his heart, it was how young he truly was. He was only considered a teenager, thus, he’d been forced to grow up so quickly. If he had only seen how deep the river of Loki’s trouble went.
The voices of his friends muffled out into incoherent sounds. He’d tried multiple times to talk to Sigyn. Everytime, she had something to do, somewhere to be, something else to be occupied rather than talking to him. It wouldn’t be a lie if he were to say that it didn’t hurt him just a little bit. Her demeanor towards him set a seed of guilt right into his gut, like a corruptive parasite growing within him. Like she blamed him for not holding onto Loki tighter at that bridge, or allowing him to be constantly bullied and abused.
Only a glance could be shared between them when his eyes caught her walking past the chamber, he attempted to get up, to at least see her. Sigyn only picked up her pace, gazing down, trying not to make eye contact.
Thor couldn’t take much more of it. He wasn’t used to being dismissed, and certainly not as many times as this.
His comrades went silent as their friend rushed out of the room, he paid no mind.
Sigyn had been surprisingly fast with her steps, perhaps intentionally. Though the speed hadn’t stopped Thor from grabbing her wrist, which prompted her to finally turn around to face him.
He could see it in her face that she knew what she’d been doing, and she knew why.
“You’ve been ignoring me.” Thor put it bluntly, to which Sigyn replied, in a surprisingly indifferent tone, “I have.”
A blink of surprise captured his face, moreover how Sigyn spoke. Normally, she’d be polite and friendly, yet now she showed no signs of that. At least not to him. Thor had a strong feeling that he knew why, but prayed to the Norns that it wouldn’t be true, that it’d be a figment of his imagination. Prayed that he wouldn’t truly have another source of guilt.
He hesitated before asking, “do you blame me?”
A beat passed, it felt like ages as he gazed into her golden eyes, attempting to decipher any thoughts. Like a lamb waiting to be hunted, he’d waited for his heart to crack even more.
“I wish I didn’t”, he silently begged her to not complete the sentence, “but I do.”
Her wrist fell from his heavy grip. She didn’t walk away. Simply remained there. Giving him the chance to prove that she shouldn’t blame him. That he wasn’t responsible for Loki’s death. That he wasn’t the one who changed her path into a life of misery. Thor would never understand it. because she’d never reveal that while passing people saw acquaintances, while Thor saw best friends, she saw something more. And so did Loki.
Thor could never understand the void that grew in her heart, the void that could only be lit by the light of his soul.
Words failed him. He’d felt like a boy who’d messed up and been told that it was his fault. Oh, how Sigyn wanted to assure him that he had nothing to feel guilty for. She could not. Because while she was considered a pinnacle of loyalty, there were dark sides hidden deep down in her being.
It was not known that Sigyn didn’t always conform to forgiveness. Especially not to those who wronged the ones she truly cherished. Even if she verbally said the words “I forgive you”, it never reached her eyes.
And now Sigyn wasn’t hiding anything, because when it came to Loki, she couldn’t even verbally forgive anyone who wronged him, who let him die.
“I just…”, she began, trying to keep the waver out of her voice, “I just don’t understand… you had him… barely at arms length. And you couldn’t have reached out to him? You couldn’t have used mjolnir to fly and catch him before he fell? You can say that you suffered by watching him fall, but in my eyes, you let it happen, despite all your power. I’m sorry, Thor, that’s not something I can forgive you for. He’s d-.. gone, he’s gone and we couldn’t even have a proper funeral for him? We couldn’t have had a memorial? I refuse to believe it. Unless he magically appears out of thin air back here, I cannot forgive you.”