Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

REGULUS

_

The digital clock on the dresser blinked in the darkness, displaying only zeroes.

Even at night, the summer heat was sweltering. Through the open window, the faint breeze brought no relief. Regulus was sweating through the sheets.

He groaned, tapping the body at his side. “You’re killing me, move over.”

Barty mumbled something incoherent into his pillow, but he didn’t move. Regulus pushed Barty until he rolled onto his back and away from him.

Regulus couldn’t sleep now. Throwing off his blanket, he rose from bed, not bothering to cover himself. It was too hot for clothes anyway. He padded over to the window where a bottle of expensive bourbon lay open on the windowsill. Regulus took a gulp, not bothering to savor it the way his father always had.

He’d always sip it carefully, swirling the liquid around in his cup. Regulus would watch it move in the glass, eyes fixed on it so he didn’t have to look his father in the eye.

Now, it felt like a minor rebellion to do exactly the opposite. Fuck his father. He couldn’t do anything now from beyond the grave.

From the bed, Barty turned over onto his back, exposing the smooth expanse of his lean abdomen. Regulus took another sip straight from the bottle, watching Barty in the dim light. He tried to feel something, anything. Reaching deep inside his chest, Regulus tugged, wondering if something might stir. It didn’t.

Barty was a good fuck. He was Regulus’ best friend. But there was nothing more.

To fill the hollowness beneath his ribs, Regulus downed a good quarter of the bourbon. Drinking until his throat felt numb, and everything else did too.

Maybe he was incapable of feeling anything at all.

__

Someone was in Regulus’ kitchen. He could smell brewing coffee and hear food sizzling on the stove. A look to the other side of the bed told Regulus that Barty was already awake. Surprising for a Saturday morning.

He stumbled out of bed, ignoring the wave of nausea that came over him. If he could stand without throwing up, then he was fine.

Rubbing his eyes, he found his boxers on the floor and threw on a sweatshirt from the pile of clothes in the corner.

It was only as he stopped in the kitchen that he realized Barty wasn’t alone. In retrospect, that made sense. When had he ever cooked breakfast?

“Good morning, Dorcas,” Regulus muttered, making a beeline for the coffeemaker. “I don’t remember inviting you over.”

“I figured I should check you weren’t so drunk you died in your sleep. But I guess Barty had that covered.” Dorcas cast a look in his direction, her disapproval palpable.

“Barty would probably just let me die,” Regulus said. He grabbed a mug and poured himself a steaming cup of coffee before turning to face his friends.

“Probably,” Barty said, not raising his head from where it rested on his arms. He was slumped over the table, far more hungover than Regulus.

Sighing, Regulus poured another cup of coffee, setting it in front of Barty. He grunted in thanks, slowly pulling it towards him.

“Where’s Evan at today?” Dorcas questioned as she shoveled eggs onto a plate. “He left early last night.”

Regulus sat down at the table, taking a sip of his coffee. “I haven’t heard from him, likely sleeping off his hangover.”

“Hm,” was Dorcas’ short reply. Regulus knew what she was thinking. Only Barty was clueless, gripping onto his coffee like a lifeline.

Bary headed home after breakfast, leaving Regulus to the scolding he knew was coming. Sure enough, Dorcas turned on him the moment the front door shut.

“I don’t want to hear it, Dorcas,” Regulus said instantly, holding a hand up.

She didn't care for his protest. “You said you were done!”

“We all make mistakes.”

“Regulus.”

“We got a bit too drunk. It happened! And what would Barty think if I rejected him now?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe that you’ve finally gained a little self-respect.”

Regulus bristled, slamming a hand down on the table. “I don’t think you want to talk to me about self-respect. You made Marlene your fucking nemesis because you were too much of a coward to tell her you liked her!”

“We’re not talking about me,” Dorcas replied sharply.

“So why should I let you sit here and berate me? Why are you off limits, but I’m not?”

“Because it’s different! This is about Evan, your best friend, remember?”

“I remember,” Regulus said through gritted teeth.

“Then act like it!”

“Maybe Evan should just man up and confess!”

“Why would he when you fuck Barty every time you get drunk? Of course he doesn’t think he has a chance!”

Regulus leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. “I— Look, I know I agreed not to mess around with Barty anymore. I shouldn’t have, but it happened. No turning back time, now. What’s one extra time?”

“So you’re going to stop? For real this time?” Regulus didn’t reply fast enough, and Dorcas’ glare was sharp. “Regulus, seriously? I don’t get it! Why do you even do it? Do you have feelings for him—”

“What?” Regulus asked in alarm. “No! It’s not like that at all.”

“Then why? Why can’t you just back off when you know Evan is in love with him?”

Regulus shook his head slowly. “I don’t know… habit?”

“Habit,” Dorcas repeated. Clearly, it wasn’t a good enough answer for her. “Seems more like addiction.”

“And?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Maybe I don’t care.”

Dorcas laughed at that, the sound humorless and short. “Of course not, I don’t expect Regulus Black to care about anything. My bad for assuming you’d put a friend first.”

It stung, but he couldn’t refute it.

Regulus lived his life with a general disregard for himself and everyone around him. Caring made him soft. Being soft meant the knife went in easily. Better to harden himself into something even his own mother couldn’t recognize.

__

Between Sirius and Regulus, it was a toss-up on who was less well-adjusted. It went either way depending on the night. Tonight, Sirius was winning.

Regulus’ hangover had barely waned when Sirius called. “Want to go out tonight?”

Who was Regulus to say no? They were the youngest and hottest they’d get. It was only downhill from here. Might as well enjoy it while they could.

“Sure,” Regulus said, rising from his bed and throwing open his closet to peer at the remaining clean clothes inside. “Where to?”

“Well… You know that club that’s opening across from Rosie’s pub? I got us an in for the grand opening tonight.”

Regulus paused. “How on earth did you manage that?”

“Oh, you know, slept with a couple of employees, all legal stuff.”

“Of course, I should have guessed,” Regulus snorted. “Who else is coming?”

“The usual. I tried to convince Dorcas, but she seemed in a bad mood today. So just my lot, unless you want to bring Barty or someone.”

“He’s likely still nursing his hangover. I’ll spare him tonight.”

“Whatever you say, just get your ass over to my place stat. We can pre-game,” Sirius said gleefully.

“Yeah, yeah.” Regulus hung up without saying goodbye, ignoring the way his phone instantly began buzzing with texts. Sirius was clearly displeased by Regulus’ lack of a farewell, but he’d forget about it when he was drunk.

Finding some decently clean clothes, Regulus quickly dressed before grabbing his keys and heading out the door. The sun was still out, and he pushed his hair from his face, hoping to avoid getting it too sweaty.

When he arrived at Sirius’ door, Regulus let himself inside. Music was playing from the living room, and someone was laughing loudly. “Has anyone ever taught you moderation?” Remus’ voice was saying.

“In my family?” Sirius laughed. “Absolutely not!”

“It’s genetic,” Regulus said, stopping in the doorway to survey the room.

“That it is, Reggie!” Sirius laughed, downing a shot and slamming it down onto the coffee table. “Our father was an alcoholic, you know.” They all knew.

“And you’ve never considered that means you should drink a little less?” Remus muttered under his breath.

“Don’t rain on his parade, Rem!” James said, clapping Remus on the back.

Regulus rolled his eyes, simply because that was required every time James spoke. Catching it, James shot Regulus a glare which he returned in kind.

James Potter was a bumbling idiot, but he was Sirius’ friend, and he could be fun when they went out, so Regulus put up with him. That did not, however, diminish their long-standing feud.

The problem with James was that he thought himself better than everyone. He wasn’t smart or pretty enough to be so cocky.

“No Lily tonight?” Regulus asked innocently.

James scoffed. “We’re on a break right now.”

“What else is new?”

“You’re still an asshole, so nothing much it seems.”

“Why would I give up something I’m so good at?”

“No Lily talk tonight!” Sirius declared. “She’ll be back, she always is, and I don’t want pathetic, downer James tonight. I worked very hard to get us these spots—”

“He means he gave a lot of blow jobs,” Peter whispered to Remus theatrically. The idiot didn’t even notice the way Remus winced.

“—So!” Sirius continued loudly, speaking over Peter. “We’re going to have a night for the books! Everyone needs to get a lot less sober, quick!”

Regulus settled on the floor in front of the sofa, holding out his hand obediently. He didn’t see or care what Sirius poured into the cup, just took a long swig. The familiar taste burned away the memory of his conversation with Dorcas.

“You know you’re both borderline alcoholics?” Remus asked, looking between Sirius and Regulus, as he sipped his own drink (much more slowly).

“The fate of a Black,” Sirius shrugged.

“I’m not staying with you if you need your stomach pumped.”

“But, Moony! I thought you loved me!” Sirius lamented.

Remus hid his flinch well, but Regulus still wondered how no one else noticed.

“I never said that,” Remus joked, though his voice was a little too high to be casual.

Dumbasses. How did Sirius not realize by now that Remus was head over heels for him?

When the sun was down, they piled into a car, already a bit drunk and in high spirits. Even dumb comments from James couldn’t bring Regulus down tonight.

“What are our dares for tonight?” Sirius asked, practically vibrating in his seat with excitement. “Pete, it’s your turn to pick.”

“Pads, we’ve practically run out of things to dare you,” Peter complained.

“You’re creative, think of something!”

“Hm,” Peter tapped his thigh thoughtfully. “Oh! I've got a good one. Sirius, I dare you not to make out with anyone tonight.”

“What?” Sirius squawked. “That’s a terrible dare!”

“So, you’re saying you can’t do it? Not even for one night?” Peter challenged. He knew Sirius well. Instantly, he bristled.

“I can!”

“Then there you go, that’s your dare.”

“Ugh… fine,” Sirius muttered. “Dare accepted.”

Peter turned on Remus next. “Moony, I dare you to spill your drink on someone and then clean it off them.”

“I’m not doing that,” Remus said flatly.

“Sure, it’s your choice, but you’re the loser right now. Ten points below even me…”

“Has anyone ever told you you’re surprisingly manipulative?” Remus asked, crossing his arms unhappily.

“Me? Never.” Peter grinned. Next, he turned on James. “Prongs, your dare is to make out with someone.” Before James could look too excited, Peter held up a hand. “But, it has to be someone you usually would never pick. The complete opposite of your type.”

“A challenge, I like it,” James agreed determinedly.

“And Regulus… hm… You’re like Sirius, it’s hard to think of things you wouldn’t do.” Peter paused for a moment, thinking hard. “Okay, I know! Your dare is to text an ex tonight!”

“Seriously?” Regulus asked, raising an eyebrow. “That’s shit.”

“I’m the dare master tonight, no arguing,” Peter tutted.

“Dare master,” Remus repeated with a snort.

“You know Regulus only has one ex, right?” Sirius piped up.

“Well, that makes it even easier,” Peter declared. “You all have your dares. It’s up to you, now.” He put on a voice like a sports announcer. “Who will win? Will Regulus finally overtake James? Will James catch up to Sirius? The stakes are high tonight.”

Regulus decided he wasn’t drunk enough for this. Fortunately, they’d arrived at their destination.

The line outside the club was long already, and Regulus didn’t think Sirius’ “in” at the club was enough to let them cut the line. Great, he really looked forward to another night of sweating his ass off. Maybe he should have drunk more.

By the time they finally made it to the bouncer, Regulus was getting antsy, and James and Sirius were only getting louder and louder. Thankfully, they were ushered inside without a problem.

A wall of sound accosted them as soon as they stepped into the darkly lit club. Colored lights were flashing around the room, and a DJ was playing music at full blast, jumping with the hyped up crowd. They weaved through people to the crowded bar.

Sirius seemed to know the bartender, because he waved her down, and she beckoned them over, letting them cut through a wall of disgruntled people.

“Sirius Black!” she yelled over the music. “Fancy seeing you here!”

“I wouldn’t miss the grand opening for the world!” Sirius yelled back. “It’s a big night!”

“We can make it even better if you want to find me after my shift ends,” the bartender winked.

Sirius grinned, leaning against the bar. It seemed he’d already forgotten his dare. “You bet, sweetheart.”

He ordered a round of drinks, and they shuffled to the side to make room at the bar while she made them.

“Is she your in then?” James asked, playfully poking Sirius in the shoulder.

“She may be one of them,” Sirius shrugged. He leaned forward as if he was telling them a secret. “But actually, Mary is doing their marketing, and she may have promised me a spot tonight if I help them out and post about it on social media.”

“Aw, Sirius! You big softie, who knew there was more in your heart than just sex.”

“The sex is just a plus.”

Remus looked a little like he might throw up, and as soon as their drinks were set down, Regulus thrust one into Remus’ hand. He looked surprised, blinking at Regulus in confusion. He leaned in close so no one would overhear. “You look like you need it.”

“Thanks…” Remus said quietly enough that Regulus saw his mouth form the word more than he actually heard it.

Drink in hand, Sirius pulled James out to the dance floor, and Peter was right behind them. He was free to do whatever he wanted tonight without a dare.

Remus hung back, and Regulus decided to stay with him. He wanted to get a properly drunk first.

Though the other boys had disappeared into the crowd, Remus still watched as if he could see them.

“Why don’t you say anything?” Regulus asked suddenly.

Remus turned, realizing he was being spoken to. “What did you say?”

Regulus stepped closer. “Why don’t you tell Sirius how you feel?” Regulus raised his voice to be heard over the noise of the club.

Even in the dim light, Regulus could see the way Remus flushed. “W-what? I don’t know what you mean,” he stammered.

Regulus rolled his eyes. “The rest of your friends may be idiots, but I’m not. You’re not exactly subtle. I know you have a thing for my brother.”

“Please don’t tell him—”

“Relax,” Regulus waved a hand. “If Sirius isn’t smart enough to figure it out, I’m not telling him anything.”

Remus breathed a sigh of relief, nodding slowly. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, I don’t know why you’d pick Sirius of all people. But I suppose we can’t all have taste. Anyway, you didn’t answer my question.”

“You question?”

“Why don’t you tell him?”

Remus laughed bitterly. He raised his glass, gulping down the rest of his drink. When it was empty, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Remus Lupin wasn’t bad-looking. In fact, he was pretty hot, if a person was into the tall and lanky kind of thing. He seemed confident enough, though he was quiet compared to Sirius and James, he wasn’t shy. So Regulus didn’t think it was a self-esteem thing that kept him away from Sirius.

“You know Sirius better than anyone. I bet you he won’t even make it through tonight without failing his dare. He’s with someone new every weekend. He likes fast and exciting. Sirius won’t be tied down, and I’m not going to hurt myself trying. Plus, he’s my best friend. I don’t want to ruin it.”

“I do know him better than anyone,” Regulus agreed. “I have insight. You’re not wrong, but that doesn’t mean it’ll never change.”

“You think Sirius Black will settle down? Ha,” Remus said flatly. “As if.”

“You never know, stranger things have happened.”

“Not that strange.”

Regulus shrugged, because he got where Remus was coming from. Sirius had a wild streak. The idea of him becoming monogamous sounded laughable, but if he were to settle down with anyone, Regulus thought it would be someone like Remus.

Regulus drained his glass as well, nodding his head towards the bar. “You look like you need another drink. Come on, we’ll put it on Sirius’ tab.”

“You know,” Remus began while they were waiting for their drinks. “You’re not so bad, Regulus.”

Regulus arched his eyebrows. “Why do you say that?”

“Well, James thinks you’re a dick.”

“I am. Though he is, too.”

“Can’t argue with that.”

Over Remus’ shoulder, he spotted Sirius approaching, likely ready for another drink as well.

“Hey, quick, spill your drink on me.”

Remus’ eyes widened. “Huh?”

“Your dare,” Regulus reminded. “Sirius is coming. Spill it, then you can clean it up. Maybe it’ll make him jealous.”

“I’m not doing that.”

“Come on, Remus. Live a little.”

Remus hesitated. Regulus saw the moment something in his face changed, determination straightening his spine. “Oh, fuck it,” he muttered.

Regulus probably would have dumped out his whole glass if it were him, but Remus only splashed half of it on Regulus, the cold liquid instantly soaking through his shirt.

“Ugh,” Regulus groaned, lifting the hem of his shirt to expose his abdomen, now wet with alcohol. “Come on then, make it worth it,” he encouraged.

Nervously, Remus stepped forward, using his sleeve to wipe Regulus’ stomach. “This is weird,” he whispered into Regulus’ ear.

“Yeah…” Regulus agreed. “You owe me one.”

“Hey! You’re the one who suggested it.”

“I’m doing you a favor out of the kindness of my heart.” Regulus put a hand on Remus’ shoulder as he stepped back. “You owe me now.”

“Always an agenda with you,” Remus sighed.

Sirius reached them at that moment, slinging an arm over Regulus’ shoulder, forcing him to let go of Remus. Huh, maybe there was something there. “What’s going on here? Making moves on my friends, Reggie?”

“Remus isn’t my type, too skinny.”

“Hey…” Remus frowned in offense.

“He decided to use me to complete his dare. Seems he’s the first one tonight.” Regulus said, leaving out the fact that he'd suggested it.

Sirius seemed like he was trying a little too hard to sound casual. “Wow, Moony, bold of you. I’m surprised Regulus didn’t try to take out your eyeballs.”

“I’m thinking about it,” Regulus said, playing along. “If I wind up sticky the rest of the night, it’s on sight.”

“Why don’t you go clean up? Restrooms are that way,” Sirius said, practically pushing Regulus away from them.

Regulus shot Remus a look over his shoulder, hoping he could decode it. See! Sirius seemed jealous. 

Leaving Remus to his denial, and Sirius to his possessiveness, Regulus weaved through the crowd, finding the toilets where the line thankfully wasn’t too long yet. He wiped himself down with a wet paper towel before heading back into the mass of people.

Someone grabbed him, and Regulus spun, ready to throw a punch.

“Whoa, Jesus!” James said in alarm, catching Regulus by the wrist before he could land a hit. “It’s just me!”

“Don’t grab me like that!”

“I didn’t realize you’d attack me!”

“You should have! What else would I do when a random person accosts me in a club?”

“I’m not a random person,” James grumbled. “I’m James.”

“That’s worse.”

“Oh, fuck off. You’re a dick.”

“So I’ve been told. What did you want anyway?” Regulus glared.

“I’m looking for Sirius. Did you see where he went?”

“I don’t know, somewhere near the bar.”

“That’s not very helpful.”

“I’m not his keeper, James. Go in that direction and find him.”

“Regulus, this is a crisis!” James said, his voice rising.

“Okay? I don’t know why you expect me to care.”

James continued, giving Regulus details he didn’t ask for. “Lily is here! I can’t face her! What if she thinks I’m pathetic, getting drunk to ease the pain or something? I’m not in pain! She should be the one missing me!”

Regulus put a hand on James’ shoulder, shaking him roughly. “In case you missed it, I don’t care. So snap out of it, get your shit together.”

James slapped Regulus’ hand away. “Do you have any empathy inside that shriveled heart of yours?”

“Not for you, no. Either break up with Lily for good, or stay with her. I don’t have sympathy for this situation you’ve put yourself in.”

“It’s more complicated than that!”

“How many times do I have to say it? I do not care, James.” He stepped around James, barreling forward without looking back.

Because James Potter was like a fucking parasite that wouldn’t go away, he followed, talking at Regulus’ shoulder the whole way.  “I don’t want her to think I’m hung up on her! I’m not. I could have anyone I want… Shit, she’s probably already found someone here tonight. Is Lily prettier by woman standards than I am by male standards?” A pause. “Why are you wet?”

Regulus groaned. “Because I helped Remus with his dare. Do you ever shut up?”

“Not really.” As if to prove his point, James kept talking as if he’d never stopped. “I need to prove to Lily that I’m hot too, and capable of having someone new! She’ll regret ever thinking a break was a good idea. Maybe I can even make her jealous. Yeah, yeah,” James said seriously. “That’s a good idea.”

Regulus didn’t realize James had stopped walking until there was a sudden silence. He paused, turning around to see James behind him, a worrying glint in his eye.

“What?” Regulus demanded.

James took a moment to speak, and that was even more concerning. “Hey, Regulus…” he began slowly.

“Whatever you’re about to say, the answer is no.” He turned on his heel, dodging around people at an even quicker pace than before. James’ legs were longer, and he was bigger. The crowd practically parted for him. He caught up in no time, catching Regulus by the wrist.

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“I don’t want to know. Let go of me.”

“You helped Remus with his dare—”

Regulus’ eyes widened in horror as he realized what James was getting at. “No!” he yelped. “Absolutely, fucking not!”

“Why? Why did you help Remus, but you won’t help me?”

“Because Remus’ dare didn’t involve kissing him!”

“It’ll be quick! Just a second, and I know it’ll piss Lily off! This is exactly what I need. Please, Regulus.”

“I will throw up in your mouth. I can’t think of anything worse than kissing you,” Regulus hissed.

“Ouch, I’m not a bad kisser, you know.”

“I really don’t want to find out.”

“So it’s a no?”

“Of course it is, James! I don’t know what made you think I’d agree even for a second.”

“I’ll make it worth your while,” James pleaded.

“Oh, really?” Regulus said sarcastically. “Well, in that case…”

“I’m serious, Regulus! I’ll owe you! I’ll do anything, anything at all you want. Swear it on my mum’s life.”

Shit, James knew exactly what to say. Having a favor from James Potter in his back pocket would be useful… He had a way of convincing Sirius to do whatever he wanted, and there were plenty of times that would come in handy.

What was one kiss? Regulus had kissed uglier and more disgusting people before. Shit, he’d even slept with them.

“Five favors, and you have to do it, anything I ask,” Regulus bargained.

“Three.”

“Five.”

“Two!” James countered.

“Four, take it or leave it.”

A moment passed, but then James held out his hand and they shook on it. “Deal,” James agreed.

“I have one more condition.”

“Yes?”

“If anyone finds out about this, you will tell them that it was for your dare and nothing more. I can’t have anyone thinking I’ve stooped that low.”

“Jesus, fine. Whatever you say, now come on, Lily was over that way, we can get in her line of sight.”

Regulus wondered if he’d regret this as James dragged him across the room. They settled against the far wall. Most people were gathered around the dance floor, and it left them clearly visible. Regulus was careful not to look around, lest he make it too obvious, but James seemed to know exactly where Lily was.

He stepped forward, crowding Regulus against the wall. “Wait until she looks over,” he murmured, his breath hot on Regulus’ face. This close, James smelled like alcohol and deodorant.

A moment passed while James hovered over him, and Regulus oddly had trouble looking him in the eye.

“Okay, now,” was the only warning Regulus got before James Potter was kissing him.

His skin was warm, his body pressing against Regulus’. His lips were a little chapped, but…

James’ hand tangled in Regulus’ hair, and all coherent thought went out the window. He tugged, tilting Regulus’ head back so their noses weren’t bumping.

Shit.

No, absolutely not. This isn’t fair.

James was a good kisser. He was really good. His lips were insistent, just the right amount of pressure. He didn’t shove his tongue down Regulus’ throat like he always assumed someone like James would do. No. He was purposeful, soft enough that Regulus didn’t feel like he was being used like a sex doll, but enough of an edge to send a shiver up Regulus’ spine.

What else could James do to him with those strong arms and skilled mouth?

It was a horrifying realization. Regulus was turned on. By James. Moronic, loud, egotistical, insufferable James.

It didn’t last a second like James had promised. Maybe he was caught up in it too, because the more receptive Regulus was, tilting his head up for more, the hungrier James seemed. Minutes passed before either of them seemed to remember the reason they were doing this.

He pulled back suddenly, leaving Regulus standing there dazed and a little disgusted with himself. They both stood there panting, blinking at each other.

Regulus cleared his throat. “I think I’m a little drunker than I thought.”

It took a second for James to respond. “Oh… Yes. Yes, me too, the room is spinning a little, isn’t it?”

“A little,” Regulus agreed. It was, but it had nothing to do with alcohol.

If James were anyone else, Regulus would have simply grabbed him by the collar and pulled him back in. They would have gone home together, and Regulus was sure it would be a night to remember.

But James wasn’t some stranger at the club. He was the man Regulus had held a vendetta for since he was a teenager. If there was one constant in his life, it was hating James Potter. Sleeping with him would be inexcusable. Regulus’ dick had gotten him in enough trouble already, not this time.

“I think she saw,” James said. “But I’m too afraid to look.”

Carefully, Regulus peered around James. Lily quickly looked away as soon as Regulus looked over, but he’d caught her. “She definitely did. I don’t think she knows it’s me, though. Let’s keep it that way.”

“Mission accomplished,” James joked. His tone was casual, yet he seemed unable to look Regulus in the eye.

“Don’t forget, you owe me,” Regulus reminded. “If you try to back out of your end of the deal, I will hunt you down.”

“I’ll do whatever you want. Don’t worry.” James waved a hand carelessly.

“We’ll see. Now, I’m going to get a drink. Stay away from me. I’ve had enough of you tonight to last a lifetime.”

So why are you still thinking about kissing him? Regulus’ traitorous mind whispered. Don’t you want more?

__

Regulus had been intending to text his ex for his dare anyway. If the memory of James on Regulus’ skin spurred him on a little… no one had to know.

He downed a few shots before pulling out his phone, searching through his contacts.

Regulus

Hey

A moment passed while Regulus stared at his message. Nothing happened. It was late, anyway. He shouldn’t have expected a reply.

He was about to drop his phone in his pocket when it buzzed, the screen lighting up.

Benjy

Regulus?

Hey what’s up?

Regulus paused, staring for a second before typing out his reply. He was too drunk and impulsive to feel the shame he ought to.

Regulus

You in town?

Benjy

I am

Is something wrong?

Regulus

No, I was just curious if you were around.

Benjy

Ok?

You’re not asking what I think you are

Are you??

Regulus

For old time’s sake?

You can say no I’d understand

Benjy

We don’t that

I don’t do that

I’m not the type

Regulus

Live a little??

The bubble indicating that Benjy was typing kept popping up and then disappearing. Regulus was sure he’d be rejected. Benjy was his one and only ex, the only person Regulus had ever had a relationship with that went outside sex.

They hadn’t ended on completely awful terms, but that was only because Benjy was a very kind and forgiving person. They hadn’t talked since the breakup, aside from exchanging greetings around mutual friends. Benjy agreeing to be Regulus’ one-night stand was unlikely.

Yet, by some turn of events, when he finally replied, it was a yes.

Benjy

You can come over

Regulus straightened up, dropping his empty cup on a table and heading into the crowd. Sirius was nowhere to be seen, but he found Remus leaning against a wall, looking quite unhappy.

Regulus grabbed his attention, waving a hand. “I’m leaving, tell Sirius I’ll text him tomorrow.”

“Where are you going?” Remus frowned.

“Got a hot date. See you later.”

He was gone before Remus could ask any questions.

__

Benjy swung open his front door after Regulus’ first knock. He stood there in the doorway, surveying Regulus.

“Y-you look good,” he murmured nervously.

“You don’t look too bad yourself.” Regulus nodded. “Been hitting the gym?”

Benjy blushed. “A little… yeah.” A beat passed before Benjy remembered to invite Regulus inside, shutting the door behind them.

He did look good. He’d put some muscle on. He was wearing glasses, perched precariously on his nose. His curly hair was a little disheveled, and Regulus assumed he’d probably been in bed.

“I’m surprised you agreed to this,” Regulus said, looking around the flat. It hadn’t changed much in two years.

“I’m surprised you asked.”

“Well, you know me,” Regulus shrugged. “It’s much more surprising that you said yes. Me being impulsive is just another average day.”

“I guess not much has changed,” Benjy said quietly. Something pained crossed his face before he quickly wiped it away.

Benjy was never a bad boyfriend. There were some good times that Regulus still thought fondly back on. They were just incompatible. Benjy was a homebody who preferred staying in. There was nothing adventurous or daring in him. Regulus lived from one thrill to the next.

He was no better at monogamy than Sirius.

Let it be known, Regulus never cheated on Benjy. He had some morals, and he’d never crossed that line. But the longer they were together, the more Regulus found himself looking forward, longing for the next thing.

Benjy had practically begged for Regulus’ commitment, but he couldn’t give it. Maybe it was cruel to reopen that wound now.

Well, Regulus never claimed to be a good person.

Done with words, Regulus surged forward, grabbing Benjy by the collar. Despite everything, he didn’t hesitate to kiss Regulus back, and they stumbled through the flat, gripping onto each other.

Regulus had already lost his shirt by the time they fell onto the sofa, Benjy climbing on top. He kissed his way down Regulus’ stomach, and he panted, arching his back into it.

Benjy’s glasses bumped Regulus’ skin, and he pulled them off, tossing them onto the floor.

An unbidden image flashed through Regulus’ mind. James Potter, his fingers winding in Regulus’ hair, tugging his head backwards.

No! Regulus was not going to think about James while Benjy sucked his dick.

With fumbling hands, Benjy undid Regulus’ zipper, discarding his trousers on the floor. He leaned forward, capturing Regulus’ lips once again in a passionate kiss.

When he pulled away, he didn’t move for a second. “What are you using me to forget?” he whispered into Regulus’ mouth.

Regulus stiffened, his heart skipping a beat. “We can stop,” he said hoarsely.

“I didn’t say that. I’m just wondering.”

“Doesn’t matter, either fuck me, or let me up.”  

Benjy hesitated for a moment before he seemed to make up his mind. Instead of pulling back, he spat into his hand, shoving it under Regulus’ boxers.

Regulus tried his best to clear his mind of any lingering ghosts. He always hoped one day he’d find someone capable of wiping his mind completely blank.

It hadn’t happened yet, and it wasn’t happening tonight, but at least there was something else to focus on.

Chapter Text

REGULUS

_

Regulus should have felt guilty when we woke on Benjy’s sofa.

Maybe there was something wrong with him. Was he a psychopath? Sometimes he wondered… It would explain why he didn’t feel any guilt or remorse, even when he used people so shamelessly.

He should feel horrible about sleeping with Barty so visibly while Evan was in love with him. Regulus should have felt remorseful for using Benjy when their breakup still pained him.

He didn’t.

Benjy’s flat was empty as Regulus looked around. He found a note on the counter. I have a lunch meeting, feel free to make yourself breakfast. -B

Regulus didn’t bother lingering. He dressed in his clothes from the night before and gathered his things. Waiting outside for a taxi, he called Pandora.

“Good morning, Regulus,” she greeted breezily.

“Hey, do you have plans for today?”

“Not yet, did you want to do something?”

“Lunch?” Regulus suggested. “I’m starving.”

“Sure, hungover again, I presume?”

“You know me.”

Pandora laughed. “That I do. Come over, I have some of your spare clothes here if you need to change.”

“Wow, you really do know me.” Regulus sighed. “I’m waiting on a car, I’ll be on my way soon.”

“Take your time, I’ll be here. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Pandora hung up, and Regulus tapped his phone against his thigh while he waited. When the taxi pulled up, he gave the driver Pandora’s address and rested his head against the window, watching the city blur by.

Why don’t you feel guilty?

For some reason, Regulus just couldn’t shake off the thought today. It settled into his chest, causing his breath to catch as it looped in his mind.

What’s wrong with you?

Pandora could tell something was wrong as soon as he stepped inside her house. She was cross-stitching on the sofa, and she instantly dropped her work, frowning as she caught Regulus’ eyes.

“Something’s eating at you,” she said, a statement, not a question.

“Can we eat first?” Regulus crossed his arms.

“Sure, go get changed. I figured we could walk to that café you like. It’s not too hot today.”

“Fine with me,” Regulus murmured. He headed down the hall, finding some of his clothes in the guest room. After dressing, he paused in the mirror, staring at his reflection.

He looked a little worse for wear. His hair was a frizzy mess, and there were dark bags under his eyes. He was a little too pale, even in summer, and his hangover had leeched even more color from his skin.

Whatever, he wasn’t trying to impress anyone.

Pandora had put on a floral sundress by the time Regulus returned. She looked like a goddess next to him, her white-blonde hair spilling down her back and curling around her face like an angelic halo.

“You look nice,” he remarked.

“You don’t.”

“I’m aware.”

Regulus didn’t bother being offended. Pandora believed in saying exactly what she thought. She didn’t dress things up or use dishonesty in the name of kindness. At times it was aggravating, but for the most part, she used it to knock sense into him time after time. No one else was as honest with Regulus as Pandora.

“Where’s that husband of yours today?” he asked as they set out down the street. The day was warm, but not unbearably so, and it was actually nice to feel the sun on his face.

“He’s presenting at a convention, so he won’t be back until Tuesday. I’m glad you called. I was hoping for some company.”

“I’d always drop everything for you.”

“Only for me,” Pandora said, a small smile crossing her lips.

“Only you,” Regulus agreed.

Regulus considered Barty, Evan, and Dorcas to all be his best friends, but Pandora was different. There was a vulnerability in their relationship that Regulus didn’t share with anyone else. Pandora was the only one to see him cry when his father died.

They ordered a few pastries at the café, and Regulus got a black coffee to combat his lingering hangover. They settled into a quiet corner. Pandora stared out the window, sipping her tea thoughtfully.

“Something on your mind?” Regulus asked, setting down his cup.

Slowly, she looked over at him. “No, I’m just giving you the space to tell me what’s wrong.”

“Oh…” Regulus looked down at his distorted reflection looking back at him from his coffee cup. “I have a question for you. Or I-I just wonder what you think.”

“Yes? Go on.”

Regulus paused for a moment, trying to get his thoughts together. “Do… Do you think there’s something wrong with me?”

“Most likely,” Pandora replied instantly. “But you’ll have to be more specific.”

Regulus exhaled, shaking his head. Of course, that was her answer. “What if I’m a psychopath?”

“Why would you be a psychopath?” she questioned, her eyebrows raising.

“Because I don’t feel bad.” He straightened in his seat, meeting Pandora’s eyes. “Dorcas is mad at me right now because I slept with Barty again when I promised I wouldn’t. I know it’ll hurt Evan, he’s my friend and I do care about him, but… I don’t feel bad. Doesn’t that mean there’s something wrong with me? Am I incapable of feeling remorse?”

“Have you ever felt remorse?”

“Like ever? Yes, of course.”

“Then you’re not a psychopath,” Pandora concluded simply.

“Then why don’t I feel bad now? What if I’ve lost the ability to?”

Pandora shrugged. “I remember when we met, it was like you felt bad about everything back then. You were constantly apologizing just for existing. Maybe you just swung so far to the other side that it’s hard for you to feel it now. I don’t think it’s clinical insanity of some sort, Reg.”

“Maybe…” Regulus murmured. “I just hate it, knowing I’m not a good person and not even caring. That bugs me more than hurting people. That’s fucked up, right?”

“A bit,” Pandora said honestly. “But you’re not entirely bad, you’ve always been a good friend.”

“To you, maybe. What about Evan? What about Dorcas? Don’t even get me started on Barty…”

 “Barty is just as responsible for your ongoing arrangement as you are, Regulus. You’re both adults. I won’t pretend I approve, but that’s not all on you.”

“And Evan and Dorcas?”

“You could practice being a better friend.”

Regulus rubbed his temple where a headache was forming. Pandora’s response told Regulus everything he needed to know.

He wasn’t ready to swallow that yet, and he changed the subject. “Want to know something that happened last night? Though you have to promise to take it to your grave.”

Pandora let him sit in his denial. “Of course, spill,” she said, leaning forward.

“I… may or may not have kissed James Potter.”

It was hard to shock Pandora, so seeing her jaw drop almost made Regulus laugh. “James? You hate James.”

“It was a dare,” Regulus continued quickly. “And he owes me quite a few favors now, so it was worth it.”

“Was he at least a good kisser?” she teased.

“I’ve had better,” Regulus lied.

He was still thinking about it, but he couldn’t admit that to anyone, not even Pandora.

The afternoon bled away as their conversation moved to Pandora. She told him about her current cross-stitch project and about the new plants she’d added to her collection. Regulus even suffered through her waxing poetic about her stupid husband.

When the pastries were gone, and the last of Regulus’ coffee had gone cold in his cup, they packed up.

“It’s Sunday,” Pandora noted as they stopped outside the café.

“I know, I should get going…” Regulus said unhappily.

“You know you don’t have to go every week.”

They’d had this conversation a million times, and Regulus still didn’t know how to explain that he did. It didn’t feel like he had a choice.

“I should,” he said instead of opening that nasty can of worms.

“Okay then, be safe. Let me know when you get home.” She kissed Regulus on the cheek, and he forced a smile as they parted ways.

The assisted living facility wasn’t far from the café, and Regulus decided to walk. The sun warmed his skin and washed away the lingering heaviness in his bones.

He’d managed to find a semblance of steadiness by the time he pushed open the door, stopping at the front desk.

“Happy Sunday, Regulus,” the receptionist greeted with a bright smile.

“Hey, Molly. How’s the baby?”

“Sleeping through the night now, thank goodness. We’re almost through the worst of his teething. I have new pictures if you want to see.”

“That’s good to hear. I’ll stop by before I leave, and you can show me,” Regulus promised, though he didn’t care for babies. Molly loved to talk about her kids, and it helped to have a good relationship with her since he was here so often.

“She’s in her room today. I’ll warn you, she’s a little agitated.”

That was nothing new, but Regulus nodded. “I’ll take myself over.”

“Let us know if you need anything!” Molly called after him, and he nodded silently.

He made sure to knock before opening the door, announcing his presence. He didn’t fancy a lecture about manners today.

“Enter.”

Cracking open the door, he slowly stepped inside, shutting it behind him.

She was sitting in front of the window, staring out at the street. She’d likely watched him walk inside. For some reason, that sent an uncomfortable prickle over his skin.

“Good afternoon, Mother,” Regulus murmured, taking a step forward.

“Don’t mumble, Regulus. It’s improper.” Fiddling with the control on her wheelchair, she spun to face him, eyes scrutinizing. “You look like a disaster. You can’t even put on proper clothes to visit your mother?”

“I was at Pandora’s. I didn’t have any other clothes.”

“I’m not in the mood for your excuses today.”

Regulus bowed his head, biting his tongue. “I’m sorry.” He moved to sit in the seat across from her, settling his hands in his lap. He was sure to sit up straight, not giving her anything extra to pick at. “How’s physical therapy going?”

“Terrible, these doctors don’t know a thing. I’m not sure who gave them a medical license.”

Secretly, Regulus was sure his mother was the problem, not the doctors, but he didn’t dare say that. “I’ve been looking into getting you transferred like you asked about—”

“That is not what I want,” his mother snapped. “I want to go home.”

Regulus swallowed, looking down at his hands. Even though she couldn’t hurt him now, it still took everything in him to stand his ground. “We discussed this, Mother. I can’t work and be your full-time caretaker. The house isn’t accessible enough anyway. We’d have to completely remodel—”

“And you can’t be bothered,” Walburga snapped. “Your own mother isn’t worth that to you.”

“It’s just not feasible,” Regulus protested weakly. “It’s too far from your doctors. Not to mention, after the lawsuit, we just don’t have the money for it. If you really hate it here, we can talk about another facility, but I can’t take you home.”

That was the wrong thing to say. His mother’s eyes narrowed, her lips twisting. She looked like a snake about to pounce on its prey. “How far the Blacks have fallen,” she spat. “Look at you, an absolute disgrace to the family name.”

“It wasn’t me who ran the company into the ground,” Regulus snapped before he could think better of it.

“How dare you! To go so far as to speak ill of the dead? It’s humiliating to think this is the man I raised. You disgust me. Get out.”

“Mother, I didn’t mean—”

“Get out!” she yelled, and Regulus flinched back, almost falling out of his seat.

“I’m going,” he said quickly. He didn’t speak again until he was in the doorway, too far for her to reach him. “I know this is a horrible situation for you, I feel for you, truly. But you need to get used to it here, I’m selling the house.” He ducked out of the room just in time as his mother screeched and something slammed into the door, shattering on the ground.

Regulus bumped into a nurse in the hall, his heart pounding and hands shaking. “Are you okay?” she asked, looking towards Walburga’s room where the sound of destruction raged from within.

“I’m fine, she didn’t get me,” he said shakily.

“She’s not in a great mood today,” the nurse said, though that was an understatement. There was another crash, and Regulus flinched. Taking him by the arm, the nurse led him down the hall, her touch gentle. “Have you spoken to Dr. Pomfrey?” she asked softly.

“Not today.”

“You should see her before you leave. She wanted to sit down with you.” She paused. “I hate to see all this on the shoulders of someone so young, but we’re here to support you, anything you need.”

“I- thank you,” Regulus said weakly. “It’s Pomona, right?”

“That’s me,” she said with a soft smile.

“I appreciate everything you all do, I know she’s… a lot.”  

“That’s what we’re here for,” she said lightly. “Walk with me, I’ll take you to Poppy’s office.”

“Shouldn’t you check on my mother first?”

“I already paged my coworker. My concern is you right now.”

Regulus nodded numbly, letting Pomona lead him away from his mother’s room. She knocked on Dr. Pomfrey’s door, peeking her head inside. “Yes, Mona?” the doctor asked.

“Regulus is here.”

“Oh! Yes, yes, send him in.”

Beckoning him inside, Pomona left him with a small smile and a nod.

“Regulus, please take a seat. I was hoping to catch you today.”

Crossing the room, Regulus sat across from her desk. “How are you?”

“I’m well, and you?”

“Been better,” Regulus muttered.

Dr. Pomfrey frowned sympathetically. “Your mother has been quite alert and aware this week, though agitated.”

“That’s her being normal,” Regulus said, gritting his teeth. “She wants to come home.”

“I know, she’s expressed that to me as well. I tried to explain that legally, it’s your choice, and she’d have to speak to you about it. It’s not unusual for a resident to find their lack of agency distressing. She’s used to being able to make her own decisions. At the end of the day, it’s what you think is best for her well-being and yours as well.”

“I-it’s not selfish?” Regulus blurted out. “To leave her here?”

“You’ve given her the best twenty-four-hour care she can get. We discussed when she was admitted here that she needed more care than you could provide. In my personal opinion, that’s not selfish at all.”

Regulus exhaled slowly. “Okay, because I’m not taking her home, if that’s why you wanted to speak to me today. I do intend to keep her here, and I’m selling the house anyway. She’s not happy about that.”

“You have to remember there’s been a lot of changes in her life over the past year. She’s struggling to adjust, naturally. It will take time.” Regulus nodded, and Dr. Pomfrey hesitated. “How are you adjusting?”

“I’m fine,” Regulus replied quickly. “I’m not the patient here.”

“No, but it’s a big responsibility to care for a family member like this. I always suggest that loved ones consider counseling or professional guidance in times like this. We’re affiliated with a support group if you’re interested—”

“I’m okay,” Regulus cut her off. “But thank you.”

Dr. Pomfrey nodded, grabbing a pamphlet off the stack on her desk. “Take this anyway, it can’t hurt.”

Regulus accepted it, though he had no intention of joining a support group. The only support he needed right now was a drink. “Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?”

“Yes, I wanted to go over your mother’s progress this week. Hold on, let me pull up her notes…”

Regulus didn’t retain a single other thing she said, though he nodded as if he did.

Maybe he got it from his mother. She’d never cared about anyone but herself. She’s treated her children like designer bags, a symbol of status. Pawns to suit her needs. Regulus doubted she felt guilty for it even now, even though she’d gotten every bit of pain she handed out served right back to her.

Was that the fate that awaited him? Would it all catch up one day? Or maybe he’d already suffered enough.

It was hard to say

__

“Hello, Regulus,” Barty said, swinging open his front door. He stood there calmly, even though Regulus had been knocking like a maniac. “I haven’t heard from you since I left on Saturday.”

“I’ve been busy, take off your clothes.”

Barty arched an eyebrow. “Not that I need an excuse for sex, but what’s your problem?”

Regulus practically snarled in response. “I need a drink, a cigarette, and to get fucked. Can you do that for me, or should I go somewhere else?”

Barty raised his hands in surrender. “So, it’s your mother then, I presume.”

“Barty—”

“Fine, fine! Yes, I can do that. God, you’re so controlling,” Barty complained, running a hand through his hair, causing it to stick up at the top.

He headed to the kitchen, pulling out a bottle. He went for a glass next, but Regulus wrenched it from his grip, drinking straight from the bottle. Barty, to his credit, didn’t seem rattled in the slightest.

That was why Regulus kept coming back to him. It didn’t matter what bender Regulus was on; Barty was never shaken by it. He was more likely to join right in than question it.

As usual, he did just that, taking the bottle when Regulus offered it and following his example. They drank together in silence, watching the sun set through the window. Barty’s flat was bathed in the purple glow of dusk when they headed to the balcony. They were both pleasantly tipsy, and they shared a cigarette, looking down at the city below.

“Do you ever question if you’re doing this wrong?” Regulus asked, finally breaking the silence. He was surprised the question came out. Barty wasn’t someone he talked about these things with, but it was too late to take it back now.

“Doing what wrong?”

“…Life. Is this how it should be, blacking out every weekend, sleeping around recklessly? Coasting by from one numbing minute to the next?”

Smoke spilled from Barty’s mouth, and he looked over at Regulus, his eyes unreadable. “People like us don’t have the privilege of doing it another way, do we?”

Regulus paused at that. “Who are people like us?” he asked, his voice faint.

“Damaged, fucked up people. We didn’t grow up normal. We don’t get to be normal now.”

Barty’s words felt like they were sinking into Regulus’ skin. We don’t get to be normal now.

“Do you ever wish you were different, though?”

“Hm, no, not really,” Barty said, shrugging carelessly. “I’m doing just fine, all things considered. Maybe I drink and fuck around too much, but it’s fun. Why would I stop? Ask me again if I’m still like this when we’re thirty, and I’ll see if my answer has changed. But I’m twenty-three, what’s the harm? That’s what your twenties are for.”

“I guess that’s true…”

Barty cocked his head. “Do you wish you were different?”

“No.” Regulus swallowed. “Maybe, sometimes. But not exactly… Sometimes I want to watch the whole world burn, you know? I-I’m starting to wonder who else I’m burning in the process.”

“Not me. You couldn’t if you tried.”

Regulus met Barty’s heavy gaze. This was why he did it. He couldn’t hurt Barty, and Barty couldn’t hurt him. It was safe. Who else would tolerate Regulus when he got like this?

Regulus darted forward, tugging the cigarette from Barty’s mouth and crushing it under his heel. They kissed against the balcony railing. There were no niceties or insecurities between them. No boundaries for Regulus to worry about.

Barty fucked Regulus into the mattress, and nothing else mattered as he clung to the sheets, the breath knocked out of him with every thrust of Barty’s hips.

Neither of them was burning, but Regulus wondered if somewhere out there, Evan could feel it. If Regulus was breaking his friend’s heart with every selfish decision.

_

The following Sunday, his mother surveyed him as if she hadn’t thrown a violent tantrum the week before.

“I’ve come to a decision.”

Regulus kept his distance in case she did decide to start throwing things again. “What is that?”

“I will allow you to sell the house if you do something for me.” Allow, as if she had a say. The house was Regulus’ now, but it didn’t matter to her. In his mother’s mind, she was still pulling the strings. (Maybe she still was. Regulus hadn’t stopped flinching away from her. He likely never would.)

“What do you want?” Regulus said stiffly. “I’ll do my best to make it happen.”

“I want your brother to visit me.”

Regulus froze. That would never happen. Sirius would rather die. “I- Mother, he’s not going to agree to that.”

“He’s your brother, convince him. The two of you have always been two peas in a pod, haven’t you?” she asked bitterly.

“I can’t make any promises—”

“You’ll make it happen. If you don’t, I’ve already spoken to Narcissa. She’s willing to go to bat over the family assets if I ask.”

Regulus choked on his exhale, eyes widening. “You want Narcissa to take the house from me?” he asked in shock. “That will never work. I’m the owner. Everything was left to me.”

“Don’t act as if you’re so smart, boy. You’re still a child. That house belonged to my brother and I. He chose to let me have it, but it was all verbal agreements and promises, nothing legal. If Narcissa chooses to take it to court—”

“You mean if you tell her to?” Regulus interrupted. His hands were balled into fists at his side, and he wished he could hit something.

“Which doesn’t need to happen. I’d like to see Sirius. If you bring him here, the house is all yours to do as you please.”

Regulus was still her puppet. It didn’t matter how sick or how old she was; she’d always control him to some degree. He was still too scared of her to curse her out like he wanted.

“Fine,” Regulus said shortly, grateful his voice didn’t shake in front of her. “I’ll try.”

“Good, you can leave. That’s all for today.”

He didn’t bother saying goodbye, storming out of the room and letting the door slam behind him.

His first matter of business was finding his meddling fucking cousin.

__

Narcissa lived in the Malfoy’s large manor on the countryside. It was quite a drive, and he had to borrow Sirius’ car to get there, though he didn’t tell his brother why he needed it.

Sirius handed over the keys with a raised eyebrow. “Is this a booty call?” he joked.

“No,” Regulus said flatly. He grabbed the keys and headed down the steps to find Sirius’ car.

“You’re in a shitty mood today!” Sirius yelled after him.

“Fuck you!” Regulus gave his brother the finger over his shoulder.

“Jesus…” Regulus heard Sirius mutter, but he ignored it. Regulus was on a mission.

It’d begun to rain by the time Regulus pulled into the manor’s large looping drive.

He made a break for it, hurrying up the steps with his head ducked against the downpour. Pressing the doorbell, he waited, listening to the bell echo inside. There was no answer, and hit hit it again, pressing it repeatedly in a petty fit of anger.

When the door was thrown open, Lucius Malfoy stood in the doorway, fury evident on his face. “What on earth is the meaning of this?” he demanded.

“I need to see my cousin. Where’s Cissa?” Regulus asked, pushing past him and into the house.

“You’re a rude, foul man,” Lucius scoffed. “It astounds me how far the Blacks have fallen. No manners whatsoever.”

It was an echo of something his mother said. Regulus was so keyed up and filled with anger that he acted without thinking. Grabbing Lucius by the collar, he landed a punch, knocking him against the wall. “Don’t act like you’re so high and mighty, Lucius,” Regulus hissed. “Regardless of how far we’ve fallen, still the Malfoy name only means half as much as the Blacks.”

“Regulus! What are you doing?”

Regulus released Lucius, spinning to face his cousin. Behind him, Lucius coughed, struggling to catch his breath. Regulus ignored him. “Cissa!” Regulus said with false cheer. “Just the person I was looking for.”

Regulus didn’t know what look was on his face, but Narcissa took a step back as soon as he turned on her. “Regulus, what’s going on? You’re scaring me.”

“Are you trying to take the house from me?”

Her eyes widened. “No, i-it’s not like that,” she protested quickly.

“Really? That’s not what my mother said.”

“She said you were selling it! I told her I’d take it off your hands, keep it in the family. It doesn’t seem right for our family house to go to someone else. That’s all, I swear. It’s not like I was trying to go behind your back, Regulus. I was only going to if your mother asked me. If anything, I thought you’d be grateful to be rid of the responsibility—”

“I’m selling it,” Regulus said harshly. “That, or I’m burning it to the ground, and if you care so much, I don’t think you want that.”

“Why?” Narcissa pleaded.

“You know why!” Regulus yelled. “You know! The things that happened—” Regulus’ voice cracked. “If there’s any decency in you, you’ll let it go.”

“Regulus, I’m sorry, but I just can’t do that.”

“Then you’ll regret it,” Regulus snapped. “It’s a shame, you know. You were always my favorite cousin.”

“Th-that doesn’t need to change!”

“It already has.” Regulus turned on his heel, shooting Lucius a nasty glare for good measure.

He kicked the door closed behind him on the way out.

Fuck this. Fuck all of them.

Chapter Text

JAMES

__

James was going to kill himself.

Not really, but it was dramatic enough to convey how he was feeling at the moment.

“She hates me,” he groaned, burying his face in the sofa cushions.

“I don’t think that’s true,” Peter said, patting James’ leg sympathetically.

James held out his phone without looking, and Peter grabbed it. There was a moment of silence, and James peeked from the safety of the cushions. Peter was grimacing as he read the texts on James’ screen. “Okay, so she may have said she does…”

“It’s hopeless!” James declared.

“Have you ever considered just ending this relationship?” Remus asked, always trying to be the voice of reason.

“What?” James gasped. “Why would I do that?”

“Because you’re miserable,” Remus raised his eyebrows, gesturing to James’ pathetic form.

“I’m going to win Lily back,” James promised, rising onto his elbows to glare at Remus.

“I believe in you, Prongs,” Sirius said encouragingly.

“Thank you, Sirius! At least someone is on my side.”

“Did you really make out with someone else last weekend?” Peter asked, still reading through Lily’s texts.

“Ah! Peter!” James grabbed his phone back. “Some privacy?”

“You gave it to me,” Peter huffed. “Anyway, I don’t think that’s how you’ll win Lily back.”

“Pete, I already told you this, it was for my dare, remember?”

“Huh… I don’t remember that, but in my defense, I was really drunk.”

“Who did you make out with?” Remus frowned. “I don’t remember you completing your dare.”

“Oh, you know, just a random guy.” James waved a casual hand. “But he was definitely not my type, trust me.” Maybe it was a blessing Peter had forgotten. In the light of day (and completely sober), it was very embarrassing that he’d kissed Regulus Black of all people.

Even though he was a really good kisser. He wasn’t James’ type. When it came to guys, he always went for men his size, if not taller and stronger. Regulus was small and delicate. It was weird. Yeah… weird.  

When the door to their flat flew open, James wondered if he’d somehow summoned Regulus by thinking of him.

“Hey, Reggie, what’s…” Sirius trailed off as he registered the storm cloud hanging over Regulus’ head. His gaze was murderous, and he seemed to crackle with anger. “Oh shit,” Sirius winced. “Did I do something?”

“Not yet,” Regulus said. It sounded like a threat punctuated by the door slamming behind him.

“Okay…” Sirius said cautiously, as he rose from his spot on the floor. “Uh, what happened to your hand?”

James followed Sirius’ pointing finger to Regulus’ right hand. His knuckles were split, and fresh bruises were forming.

“I punched Lucius.”

“Oh, well, in that case. I’m sure he deserved it. But I’m not visiting you in jail if he presses charges.”

“If he tries, I’ll just beat the shit out of him this time,” Regulus said bitterly. “Come on, we need to talk.”

“Are you sure I didn’t do something?”

Regulus just glared at his brother and set off down the hall. Sirius shot them a helpless look before following Regulus into his bedroom. The door shut, and a few minutes passed.

“Do you think we need to take cover?” Peter whispered. “Regulus seemed pissed. That can’t be a good omen.”

“No, I think we’re fine—” Remus was cut off by the sound of yelling.

Their flat wasn’t that big. Even with the door closed, they could hear every word.

“I would rather die, Regulus! How the fuck could you even think it’s okay to ask me to do that! Have you drunk away your last brain cell? What’s wrong with you?”

“I wouldn’t if it wasn’t important!” Regulus yelled back. “This is about the house, Sirius! All you have to do is visit her once! I do it every week, surely, you’ll survive!”

“You choose to do that! You can’t force me to!”

“I’m not! I’m asking, Sirius! If you don’t, Narcissa will take the house and—”

“I don’t care! Regulus, I couldn't care less what happens to that hell hole! So what if Narcissa takes it? And?”

There was a loud bang, like Regulus had hit something. “I need it gone! I need to sell it! Can’t you understand that?”

“No! Just let it go! It’s not that important!”

“It’s important to me! Why can’t you do this for me?” Regulus pleaded. “I never ask you for anything!”

“Don’t you dare try to guilt me,” Sirius hissed. “I have done so much for you. This is the one thing I won’t do!”

“Have you? I never asked you to do anything for me, I was just fine on my own!”

“I don’t care!”

“Yeah, Sirius!” Regulus laughed manically. “You don’t care about anything, do you?”

“Says you! You don’t care about anything except the people who hurt you over and over again!”

“Maybe I’m just not a terrible person who’d leave my mother to rot!”

“Oh, really,” Sirius scoffed. “You? Regulus Black? You destroy everything you touch!”

Even James flinched at that. Remus’ eyes widened, looking between Peter and James in the silence that followed. The bedroom door was thrown open. “Fuck you, Sirius,” Regulus snarled.

He slammed Sirius’ door in his face, but it didn’t muffle Sirius yelling back. “Fuck you too!”

Regulus stormed back through the living room. He made it to the door before pausing suddenly. “Potter, come with me.”

“Huh?” James squeaked in alarm. “Me? Why?”

“You owe me a favor, so get your ass over here or I will make you—”

“Jesus! I’m coming!” He rose, shoving on his shoes. Help! he mouthed to his friends.

“James, what did you do?” Remus whispered as Regulus headed outside, leaving the door open behind him.

“Fucked up,” James lamented, before following Regulus outside. He hadn’t thought about the repercussions of owing Regulus before, but now he was concerned. What was Regulus going to ask him to do?

Regulus did not seem like he’d be receptive to conversation, so James didn’t ask where they were going as they got into Sirius’ car and Regulus pulled out onto the street, barely checking that it was clear before jerking the wheel.

James gritted his teeth. He did not want to die because of Regulus Black’s bad driving, but he also didn’t want Regulus to kill James himself. It took a lot of effort, but he kept his mouth shut.

When Regulus parked the car, it was outside a pub. James was incredibly confused, but he followed Regulus inside and to a table in the back.

“So… what are we doing here?” he dared to ask.

“I’m cashing in a favor.”

“Yes, but for what exactly?” Please don’t say what I think you’re going to.

“I need you to convince Sirius to visit our mother.”

James resisted the urge to bang his head against the table. “No offense, but I don’t think I’m capable of that.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Regulus said simply.

“I… shit, I need a drink for this conversation, hold on.”

Once they both had a drink in front of them, James settled back in his seat.  

“Okay,” he sighed. “Look, I don’t know what you want me to do here. I can talk to Sirius, but I think hell is more likely to freeze over than Sirius is to agree.”

“You’re good at convincing him, I’m sure you can figure it out,” Regulus said flatly. Clearly, he wasn’t letting up.

James wondered what sort of wrath Regulus would bring upon him if he refused. Surely, he couldn’t do anything that terrible?

As soon as James thought it, he took it back. Who knew what the hell Regulus Black was capable of?

“Okay… well, any tips then? Anything to help me out?”

“If I knew how to convince him, I’d do it myself. Trust me, I wasn’t keen to cash in a favor so soon.”

James sighed, shaking his head. “I can try,” he conceded. “But I can’t make any promises.”

“Fine.”

Regulus was always hard to read. He was generally only expressive when he was insulting James. Moments like this, he felt like he was trying to speak to a brick wall.

“Why is it so important to you?” James asked suddenly. “Selling the house?” He didn’t expect Regulus to respond, much less with a proper answer.  

A moment passed. Regulus stared down at the table, his lips pursed. “Pettiness,” he said finally. “I’d like to take something from my mother. She cared more about that fucking house than her children.”

James wondered if that was the whole truth. It was hard to tell with Regulus. He wouldn’t put it past Regulus to do something completely driven by pettiness, but still, James didn’t think that was how it worked when it came to something like Regulus’ relationship with his mother. It had to be more complex than that.

James was the last person he’d tell, however, so he just shrugged, accepting the answer. It was a miracle he’d replied at all.

Sighing, James knocked back his drink before looking over at Regulus. “I’ll do what I can with Sirius,” he promised. “But you’re not allowed to murder me or something if it doesn’t work.”

Regulus didn’t agree. He just raised his eyebrows. “I do what I want.”

“I’ll fight back,” James threatened. Well, it was supposed to be a threat, but it came out in an odd way. If it were directed at anyone else, James would call it flirting…

But no, James wouldn’t flirt with Regulus, not unless he wanted his head taken clean off.

“You can try,” Regulus hummed, entirely unruffled. There was a flash in his eyes, contrasting his calm demeanor. What did that mean? What was he thinking right now?

On the table, James’ phone lit up, and he snatched it up, lips turning down into a frown.

Lily

Can we talk?

James blinked down at the text, his heart pounding in his chest. He felt a rush of emotions, the typical when it came to Lily. Guilt, shame, fear.

Either she was going to end things for good, or she was going to take him back. All evidence so far pointed towards the latter, but it was hard to say. She was angrier than usual, and it was possible James had pushed the limits a little too far this time.

His heart was steadily sinking to his stomach, heavy as a stone.

“What?” Regulus’ sharp voice broke James from the dread filling his body.

“Hm?”

In a lightning quick movement, Regulus snatched the phone from James’ hand, laying it face down on the table with a bang. “I don’t appreciate having half of someone’s attention during a conversation.”

For a second, James just stared at him in shock. Regulus’ eyes were narrowed, and his gaze was paralyzing. It wasn’t fear that froze James in place, but something else. An odd need to please Regulus in that moment.

“I—” James swallowed. “Sorry? I wasn’t aware there was anything left to be said.”

Regulus frowned as if he hadn’t considered that. “Oh…” The awkward pause between them was uncomfortable and new. They’d never run out of things to say before, there was always an insult or a comment to sling at one another. Regulus recovered quickly. His composure settled over his skin, and it was like James had just witnessed two entirely different people. This was the Regulus James knew, not the off-balance person from a second before. “We’re here sharing a drink, until we finish, you could at least pretend to have manners.”

“You’re odd, aren’t you?” James blurted out.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Every time I think I have a handle on you, you do something that confuses me.”

Regulus scowled. “I’ve never asked you to try to figure me out. In fact, I’d prefer if you didn’t.”

“Noted…” James murmured. He watched Regulus down the last of his drink before standing. “We’re done now,” he declared.

“Gee, thank you for informing me.”

Regulus tossed James Sirius’ keys. “Take Sirius’ car back for me.” He didn’t bother to say goodbye, turning on his heel and leaving James with the bill.

He groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Motherfucker…” James cursed, though Regulus was already gone.

__

It was routine at this point, showing up to Lily’s flat during odd hours, usually after a fight. The difference this time was that Lily had reached out first. She never did that. James was the one who always came crawling back.

Maybe it was going to be different this time. Had Lily finally realized how much she loved and needed James? Would she beg him to stay? It would be nice if James didn’t have to do the begging for once.

Feeling a little off kilter with the change in routine, James hesitated outside Lily’s door, choosing to knock instead of letting himself in.

“Hey,” Lily greeted when the door swung open. “Come in.” She was wearing pajamas, a pink tank top, and a pair of loose flannel shorts. They hung low on her hips, exposing the glint of her belly piercing.

Her hair was loose around her shoulders, and James couldn’t help but admire her beauty. Lily had always been beautiful, even when she was a lanky preteen.

It wasn’t her looks that drew James in originally. Of course, her bright red hair grabbed his attention, but it was her spunk and the look in her eye that had James completely smitten.

She was a young woman now. She’d grown into herself, but that challenge still lurked in her eyes.

“Hey,” James replied softly, stepping inside. He expected Lily to move them to the living room, anything other than stand in the entryway, but she didn’t.

“I think we should just rip off the bandage,” she said suddenly.

James tensed. “I— what is that supposed to mean?”

Exhaling, Lily straightened up. “We’ve already fought about last weekend. That’s not what I want now. Just to talk.”

“…About?

“It made me realize something.” A pause. “I think that we should see other people for a little while.”

James frowned, trying to understand what she was saying. “We’re already on a break, how is that any different than before?”

“Because it is.” Lily crossed her arms. “Because we still have some claim to each other, because we usually do it to make each other jealous. This time, I think we should seek out people with the potential for something serious. People we actually like. We’ve been together so long, even when we split for a while, there’s no freedom to really play the field. How do we know this is really what we want? We’ve never really dated other people.”

“Did you meet someone else?” James demanded. “Is that why you’re saying this?”

“No, you’re missing my point, James!”

“That you’re breaking up with me?”

“I never said that!”

“It sure sounds like it!”

“I-I just think we could be missing out on something great!” Lily yelled in a rush. James stepped back like he’d been hit, and Lily winced, reaching out for him. “James…”

“No.” He wrenched his arm away before Lily could touch him. “I see how it is, I’m not good enough for you?”

“No, James, no. That’s not it. Haven’t you ever considered maybe we ought to have different experiences? To grow separately? Then, if it all works out, we can get back together, but I don’t see the point in continuing this cycle we’re in. All we do is fight, break up, make up, and then do it all again.”

“You never seemed to mind it before,” James muttered.

“We both got too used to it.”

James didn’t know what to say to that.

Sure, they’d fallen into a routine of repeating this cycle. Sure, it probably wasn’t healthy, but James thought they were in it together. He thought they did it because no matter what happened between them, they still loved each other.

(At least, that’s what James told himself whenever he caught Lily looking right through him. She loves me. She loves me, right?)

He’d make her see. Maybe she thought this was what she wanted, but it wouldn’t last. They’d come back together as they always did, and when Lily saw him with someone else, she’d realize what she was missing out on.

For so long, she’d taken him for granted.

James straightened, looking Lily in the eye. “Fine,” he agreed. “If this is what you want, I’ll go along with it. Temporarily, we are fully broken up.”

Maybe this was exactly what they needed. Lily would come back with a renewed appreciation for their relationship. She’d truly see James this time, and the rest would play out like the fairytale he’d always dreamed of—marriage, kids, happily ever after.

James had known on their first date that he’d marry Lily one day. They were just taking the long way to get there.

They would get there, James was certain. This was the only thing he’d ever dreamed of. How could it not happen? 

__

James didn’t cry until he got parked in front of his flat. He didn’t want anyone to see him weak like this. The car was the only place he truly had the privacy to fall apart.

Despite his resolve to make the best of it, his heart was shattering. All this time, he thought Lily would eventually realize what James had always known. They were meant to be. James could give her anything she wanted. She didn’t need to look elsewhere.

She will figure it out, he told himself as he rested his forehead on the steering wheel, tears blurring his vision. This could be exactly what she needs.

Yet, no matter what he told himself, it didn’t change the fact that his heart was screaming. He’d been broken up with.

What if she doesn’t need you anymore? What if she never did?

Was there any proof she ever had? What if she’d settled for him? He’d chased her so intensely, maybe it was the easy answer. Maybe it was safe to fall into the arms of someone she knew wanted her, when it was never what she wanted at all. Lily was the love of his life, but she’d never given any signs that she felt the same.

Sniffling, James raised his head, wiping furiously at his eyes. He took a few shaky breaths, checking his reflection. “You’re fine,” he whispered. “This will all be fine.”

It took a lot of convincing to get himself out of the car. He prayed that everyone else would be asleep. He didn’t want anyone to notice he’d been crying.

When James unlocked the door, the flat was dark, and he breathed a sigh of relief.

Dropping Sirius’ keys on the counter, he pulled off his shoes and headed towards his room.

He made it halfway through the living room when he caught a figure out of the corner of his eye and yelped, spinning around.

“Jesus, Sirius! You scared the shit out of me!”

Sirius was sitting on the floor in front of the balcony door, nothing more than a silhouette in the dark. He shrugged wordlessly, and James hesitated.

He wasn’t the only one who’d had a shit night.

Exhaling slowly, he crossed the room to sit next to Sirius. “You doing okay?”

Seconds ticked by, silence stretching out between them. James had begun to think Sirius wasn’t in the mood to talk. He was preparing to give him some space when he blurted out a sudden question.

“Do you think I’m a bad brother?”

“What? No, Sirius, of course not.”

“Hm,” was Sirius’ incredibly vague reply.

James reached out, poking his friend lightly on the shoulder. “Do you think you are?”

“I… I think it’s my job to take care of my little brother. But I don’t, that’s not the role I play in Regulus’ life at all. When we were young, I did, but not anymore. I was like…” Sirius’ jaw clenched, and he shook his head. “I got fatigued by it, so I just stopped. When we became close again, Regulus never said anything or complained about it, so I figured it was fine. He has other people now. It’s not like before. But I let him handle all of it, our father’s death, our mother’s injuries. I never offered to help, and he never asked me to.”  Sirius’ voice lowered to a whisper. “He’s not wrong, he hasn’t asked much of me, and the one time he does, it’s something I just can’t do.”

“I think he knows how big of an ask it is,” James murmured.

“Maybe, he knows me well enough not to think I’d just blindly agree. I don’t know how he does it. He visits her every week, and he goes back to that cursed fucking house. I-it feels like he’s always looking back, and sometimes… I resent him for it. Why is he strong enough? What makes us different? I need him, but I don’t think he’s needed me for a very long time.”

“What makes you say that?” James frowned deeply. “Of course, he needs you, you’re his brother.”

Sirius laughed quietly, though there was no humor in the sound. “No offense, James, but you’re an only child. You don’t get it. Being brothers doesn’t change anything. He needed me up until I left him to fend for himself, after that, I doubt he ever will again. He’s only asking for a favor now because he needs to win. He’ll swallow his pride if it means achieving what he wants. That’s why, as guilty as I feel, I can’t do it. He doesn’t really need me. If I say no, he’ll find another way. But maybe that makes me a bad brother… I don’t know.”

James’ searched Sirius’ face, hoping the right thing to say was hidden in expression. He came up empty-handed. Sirius’ face was blank, and his eyes were far away as he stared into the darkness. James didn’t know what it was like to have a sibling, and he certainly didn’t understand the complicated dynamic between Sirius and Regulus, but he knew people. Digging through the things he knew about Regulus, he tried to formulate a proper response.

“I don’t know Regulus like you do. As long as I’ve known him, he’s still a mystery to me. But is it possible you’re wrong? What if he got used to not being able to rely on you? Does that mean he’s stronger than you? Or maybe he just feels like he has to do everything himself. I think he does need you. You may not be the only person in his life anymore, but clearly, you’re important to him. Why would he be here if you weren’t?”

Sirius’ mouth twisted, a bitter edge to the sad look on his face. “I don’t know,” he said quietly. “He’s just as much a mystery to me. Sometimes I think I understand what drives him, or why he does the things that he does, then he turns around and proves me wrong. We coped with our childhood very differently, and I just can’t make sense of it. I regret saying what I did earlier.” Sirius finally met James’ gaze, his eyes filled with guilt. “That he ruins everything he touches. He's… he does bring good things to people’s lives, of course, he does. But most of the time— Fuck, he’s worse than I am. I’m self-aware, believe it or not. Moony might disagree, but I am. I know I’m a little on the wild side, but Regulus is worse. Because it’s like he’s… angry. He sweeps through life with complete disregard for everyone around him, and he didn’t used to be like that. Where’s the line? Who else will he hurt to get his way? It feels like I’m his next victim. I love him, I do. We have plenty of fun together as well, but sometimes I think I hate him.”

“So there’s no way you’d agree, right?” James wasn’t trying to convince Sirius for Regulus’ sake, no matter the consequences. This wasn’t the time for that. He just wanted to know. “Not even for yourself and not Regulus?”

“For myself?” Sirius repeated in confusion.

“Well… yeah. Isn’t there anything you’ve wanted to say to her? You could, she can’t hurt you now.”

Sirius stiffened instantly. His voice was hard when he spoke. “That’s where you’re wrong, James. She can always hurt me. Always.”

“Right, I’m sorry,” James said quickly. “I shouldn’t have—"

“Don’t apologize, I don’t expect you to get it. Your mother is lovely, mine is not. Mine could be on her deathbed and still manage to say something life-shatteringly awful. It took all this time to find even a semblance of peace. I won’t undo it. Not even for Regulus, not for all the guilt and shame in the world.”

“I understand,” James said gently. “I’m not saying you should agree, I just wondered.”

“I know, Prongs, you wouldn’t do that. We just grew up very differently, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Really, I’m glad for it. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, much less my best friend.”

James shot Sirius a weak smile, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder. He figured Sirius was going to be okay when he smiled back, patting James on the arm.

“You’re a good friend, James.”

“So are you.”

“Am I? I feel like I’ve been slacking lately. I haven’t even asked you about Lily.”

James’ heart dropped. “I don’t want to talk about that,” he said quickly.

Sirius blinked, his eyes widening. “What? You don’t want to talk about Lily Evans? Has the world ended? Did something happen?”

“I j-just think it’s best if we leave it be for now. We’re focusing on you.”

Sirius didn’t seem to believe James’ weak excuse, and his brow furrowed. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, Sirius. It’s not a big deal. Things will work out.” He plastered on a fake smile. “They always do!”

“I suppose so…” Sirius said slowly, though he didn’t seem entirely convinced.

“You know me, you don’t have to worry,” James promised.

There was a moment of hesitation before Sirius shot James a half smile. “You’re right. I may just be a little stressed out.”

“Just a tad.” James nudged his friend. “But that’s okay, it’s to be expected. You’ve had a lot going on.”

“Yeah… but when do I not?”

“What can I say, you’re a magnet for chaos, Pads.” James rose, brushing off his trousers. “Now come on, go get some rest, tomorrow is Monday.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Sirius muttered, but he stood as well.

James was beginning to wonder if facing Regulus’ wrath would be better than trying to convince Sirius to visit Walburga.

__

James didn’t get much sleep. Instead, he spent the night tossing and turning, memories of Lily replaying in his head. He found himself picking apart their years together, looking for answers between the lines.

He thought until he made himself sick. Every worst-case scenario possible passed through his mind.

When the sun crept through the curtains, he pried himself out of bed, trying not to dread the day despite his lack of sleep.

As usual, he’d forgotten to do laundry. Fuck.

He dug through his hamper, pulling out the least rumpled pair of scrubs he could find, and throwing them on, tying the drawstrings as he headed down the stairs. Remus was already up, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

His eyebrows shot up as he spotted James. “You’re up before your alarm?”

“I know, a miracle,” James said with a shrug, rather than admitting he hadn’t slept at all. “Figured I’d get an early start today. It’s my turn with the message pool this week, so I might as well get ahead of them.”

“Ah,” Remus nodded in understanding. “Makes sense, I know you drown in those.”

“Always,” James sighed. “You heading out now?” he asked as Remus twisted the lid onto his travel mug.

“Yeah, I’m behind on grading, and you know how much of a racket Sirius makes in the morning. Can’t get shit done here.”

James snorted. Sirius had the very inconsiderate habit of blow-drying his hair at the ass crack of dawn. He’d rudely woken James and Remus on many occasions.

Remus slung his bag over his shoulder, pausing to look back at James. “Are you okay?” he asked suddenly.

James froze, not expecting the question. Sometimes, he hated that his friends knew him so well, they could always tell when something was up. “Oh, me? Course I am!”

“You’re overcompensating.” Remus’ eyes narrowed, and James deflated, his shoulders drooping.

“I—” He swallowed, shaking his head. “I couldn’t sleep,” he admitted. “B-but I’m okay! Really, just a lot going on lately, and I might be a little stressed. That’s all.”

Remus eyes James for a long moment. “If you’re sure—”

“I am!”

“—but you know you can always talk to me?”

“Oh… Yes, Rem. Of course I do.”

Remus finally stopped trying to pull James apart with his eyes. He turned, grabbing his keys off the counter. “Okay, good. Just keep it in mind, ‘kay?”

“I will,” James mumbled, and thankfully, Remus finally left. James didn’t exhale until the door shut.

When he was alone, he leaned back against the counter, closing his eyes.

You’re fine. You’re okay. Just get your shit together.

He allowed himself only a moment before straightening up. He didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts, and Sirius wouldn’t be down for a while, so James decided to actually leave early as he’d told Remus he would. He poured himself a travel mug of coffee and grabbed two energy drinks for good measure. Hopefully, the absurd amount of caffeine would get him through the day.

The commute to work was uneventful, and James put in his earbuds, letting music drown out any thoughts that tried to slip through.

The front desk staff wasn’t even there yet when James walked into the office, but the lights were on, so James didn’t think he was the first person there. Sure enough, Frank’s office door was open, and James peeked his head inside, knocking on the doorframe.

“Morning, Doctor.”

Frank jumped, letting out an undignified yelp. “God! James, you scared the shit out of me.”  

“Sorry!” James grimaced. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Frank exhaled, putting a hand to his chest. “I didn’t realize anyone else was here, especially not you. Not like you to be here so early.” He raised an eyebrow.

“I wanted to get a head start on messages since it’s my week,” James explained. “Emmeline isn’t here yet?” The CMA was usually the first person in, even before Frank.

“She wasn’t when I got here—”

“Talking behind my back?” This time, it was James’ turn to jump, and Frank laughed, looking satisfied that James had gotten his karma.

“Em, has anyone ever told you to wear a bell? Because you should.”

“All the time,” Emmeline said slyly. “I’m surprised to see you here so early.”

“That’s what I said,” Frank said pointedly.

“Yeah, yeah, so you all think I’m horrible at my job…” James muttered.

“You’re great at your job, James.” Emmeline patted him on the shoulder. “But you’re always late.”

“Whatever.”

“You’re lucky you’re a great nurse, James, otherwise I would have gotten you fired by now.” Frank chuckled.

“You’d never! You’re too fond of me!”

“Go do your messages,” Frank said sternly. “Since that’s what you’re here for…”

“I’m going, I’m going!”

“Is something wrong with him?” Emmeline mock whispered to Frank as James retreated.

“I can hear you!” he yelled over his shoulder.

Emmeline just laughed.

As James had expected, everyone had an emergency (or at least, what they thought was an emergency). Even an hour early, he barely made it through half the messages, and by the time the first patient of the day arrived, he already wanted to bang his head against his desk.

The one thing work was good for was forgetting. It was hard to think too much when he was constantly in motion. What James loved most about his job was that no day was the same. It was easy to get consumed by the day, only thinking from one patient to the next.

He used his lunch break to drink his second energy drink and catch up on charting and messages.

Another day, James would have left to get lunch and relax a little. Especially on such a busy Monday. Today, it was better not to lose momentum. He was terrified he’d crash as soon as he paused to breathe.

The day passed quickly. Even as he started to drag during the last hour, he survived.

He bid his coworkers goodnight, feeling proud that he’d done it. He hadn’t thought about Lily once.

As soon as the thought crossed his mind, James winced. Shit, now he was thinking of her. Most nights, James would leave work and head to her place.

That wasn’t an option now. She’d broken up with him.

No, no, no. James didn’t want to think about that. He didn’t want to feel the stab in his heart as he remembered. He didn’t want her words to replay in his mind.

“I-I just think we could be missing out on something great!”

So, James wasn’t something great? He wasn’t good enough?

Instead of going home, James went to get a drink.

Sometimes he felt like there were two different versions of himself. The proper adult version with a good job and responsibilities, and the foolish, juvenile version that partied every weekend and drank, probably a bit too much. As if he were still a university student and the only thing on his shoulders was homework.

James felt like most of the time, he was faking this whole adulthood thing. His coworkers probably weren’t drinking alone on a Monday night.

“No friends tonight?” Tom, the bartender, asked after James had ordered his drink.

“Nah, I just got off work.” He paused, looking down at himself. “Is it a bad look to drink in scrubs?”

“In my experience, you lot are often the ones that need it the most.” Tom chuckled.

“Noted,” James murmured, taking another sip of his drink. Tom left to serve another customer, and James busied himself with watching the TV screen over the bar counter.

“Are you stalking me?”

James spun in his seat at the sound of a familiar voice. He came face-to-face with Regulus Black, dressed in black jeans and a dark blue t-shirt. He had a leather jacket over, oversized enough that James was sure it used to be Sirius’.

“Jesus,” James said under his breath. “No, I am not. Am I not allowed to drink in peace on a Monday?”

“Guess you can… I’m not in a place to judge.” Regulus raised his own glass in what was perhaps an odd show of solidarity.

“Maybe Remus is right.” James sighed. “We do drink too much, is this a problem?”

“Remus is better adjusted. He can switch places with me and see how often he feels the need to turn to alcohol.”

The bruise on Regulus’ knuckles had darkened since yesterday, and it looked rough in the dim light. The cuts looked like they’d recently reopened, probably from Regulus using his hands too much and not bothering to treat the injury whatsoever.

“Make sure you’re taking care of that.” James nodded to his hand. “You don’t want it to get infected.”

“I don’t need your advice, Nurse James,” Regulus said mockingly. “Stay out of my business.”

It wasn’t until that moment that James realized Regulus wasn’t alone. His friend Barty was at his shoulder, his eyes scrutinizing. James had never gotten the feeling that Barty liked him much, but his glare was particularly sharp tonight. James decided to ignore it. No need to get into it.

“Hey, Barty,” James nodded. “What are you two up to tonight?”

“We’re going to a concert,” Regulus said, though he didn’t seem too keen on the idea of small talk.

“Oh? Who are you seeing?”

“Slytherin, they’re a local band, I don’t expect you to know them—”

“Oh! I know them, love those guys! I saw them play at the Locker last year. They were opening for another band.”

“They’re headlining there tonight,” Regulus said, though he still seemed very disinterested in the conversation. James didn’t understand why Regulus had approached him in the first place if he didn’t want to talk.

“Wow, guess they’re starting to take off,” James mused. “Shame, I would have gotten a ticket if I’d known.”

“We have an extra ticket,” Barty spoke up. “Evan decided to back out last minute, the asshole.”

Regulus seemed just as shocked as James felt by the offer. He turned on Barty with his eyes sharp. “Are you inviting him to come with us?” he hissed, as if James wasn’t sitting right there.

Barty made a so-what sort of motion, waving a hand. “Might as well get my money’s worth.”

“James doesn’t want to go.”

 “I’d rather him come than you bring your fucking ex.”

His ex? Benjy? As far as James knew, they’d broken up ages ago. Why would Regulus bring him?

“It was just an idea!” Regulus protested. “He probably wouldn’t agree last-minute on a weekday anyway.”

“Yes, he would because he wants to get in your pants again. I don’t want to deal with it,” Barty said. “He’s annoying and pitiful. There are too many strings attached. You’re being stupid, Potter is coming.”

“Uh? I haven’t agreed to that,” James spoke up, looking between the two. There was an odd sort of tension there, and he wondered what exactly was going on between them.

“So you don’t want to see Slytherin?” Barty asked, a challenge in his eyes.

“I—” James hesitated. “I mean, I have work tomorrow…”

“So do we, what’s one late night?”

James was running on zero sleep. Yet… the idea of going home to his bedroom to spend another night thinking himself to death sounded like a nightmare.

“I mean… I guess I could come, but not if Regulus doesn’t want me to—”

“It’s fine,” Regulus snapped. “Whatever. I need another drink.”

That was how James found himself waiting in line outside the venue with Barty and Regulus. It was an odd turn of events, but James decided to take it as a blessing. More room to help him forget the things that plagued him.

“I-I just think we could be missing out on something great!”

Something great, ha! James was great, Lily would see.

He was admittedly a little tipsy, but it made the company more bearable. Barty and Regulus were similar in the fact that neither cared for pleasant conversation. Most of their conversation was scathing comments and insults. They passed judgment on almost everyone they passed, and James thought it must be exhausting to live like that, in a constant state of pessimism.

“What the hell is that shirt?” Barty whispered, nodding his head to a guy wearing a band T-shirt that was cut up into slivers in the back, exposing his bare skin. It wasn’t something James would choose to wear, but he wasn’t wearing it.

He felt a flash of annoyance as Regulus snorted, joining in on the criticism.  “A crime against fashion.”

“I wouldn’t exactly say your outfit is the epitome of fashion,” James spoke up before he could stop himself.

Regulus’ gaze turned on James, and he scoffed. “Never claimed to be. But at least I know what I look good in. Tell me I look bad right now,” Regulus challenged with far too much cockiness.

Unfortunately, he was right. He did look good. He never dressed in anything flashy or crazy, but he knew how to dress to his strengths. His outfit accentuated all the right places, drawing James’ eyes to the curve of his thighs and his trim waist. “You know you don’t look bad. It’s your attitude that’s ugly.”

“Save the lecture, Potter. I don’t care for it. You look a mess, anyway.”

James scowled. He was not dressed for a concert, that was true. “Fine.” In one smooth motion, he pulled his scrub top over his head, leaving him in just his bottoms and long-sleeve underscrub. It was technically a compression shirt, not something he’d wear to a concert, but it was the best he could do.

To James’ surprise, Barty whistled as he took the scrub top from James and shoved it in his bag. “Dang, Potter, you were hiding some muscle under there,” he said, his eyes raking over James’ chest.

“Barty, you are not allowed to make moves on my brother’s friends,” Regulus snapped, swatting Barty on the back of the head.

Maybe it was just James’ eyes playing tricks on him in the darkness, but he could have sworn Regulus snuck a look at James too.

Thankfully, the doors opened at that moment, and people began to head inside.

“No, but seriously, Potter,” Barty said as they moved towards the door. “Are you with that girlfriend still? Because you are hot, I might not like you much, but I wouldn’t mind a piece of that.” He was apparently undeterred by Regulus’ warning.

“We’re broken up,” Jamea admitted. “But I’m not sleeping with you.”

“Eh, whatever. Your loss.” Barty didn’t seem hurt by the rejection. “Are you actually broken up this time?”

James gritted his teeth. “Yes, for real this time,” he said, his voice tight.

Maybe Barty had a tiny bit of humanity in him, because he actually seemed a little sympathetic to the pain in James’ voice. “That’s rough, man.”

“Yeah, a bit…”

“No wonder you were drinking—”

“Barty, leave him alone,” Regulus cut in, shooting his friend a harsh glare. “I’m serious.” There was an odd look on his face. James wished he knew what it meant. Before he could even try to pick it apart, Regulus turned away, and James was stuck watching his back, as they filed into the venue and found a spot.

Barty brought them a few drinks as they waited for the show to start, and James didn’t breathe until the lights went out and the band took the stage. This, this was what he needed.

The show was good, the music was loud, and the alcohol was buzzing in James’ veins. For a little while, James managed to forget, to lose himself in the moment.

Another band came on in the middle of the show, breaking up Slytherin’s set. It was when they were done and Slytherin prepared to get back on stage for their last few songs, that James’ peace was shattered.

The lights came on, and the band members were conversing with fans and signing CDs. “I’m getting something signed,” Barty said, rifling through his bag. “Just to make Evan jealous. I can’t believe he backed out when he loves these guys. Fuck him.”

Regulus rolled his eyes. He spoke under his breath. “Yeah, you should.” It was too low for Barty to hear, but James caught it. Barty headed to the stage, and James watched after him. He was about to ask Regulus what the relationship was there when a flash of red hair caught his eye.

He thought he was imagining it. That, or he was mistaken. Plenty of people had red hair, it didn’t mean it was her.

James strained his eyes, his heart speeding up in his chest as the woman turned her head.

It was Lily. Lily, dressed in tight jeans and a crop top. She was leaning over the stage to speak to the man sitting there. James was pretty sure it was Slytherin’s drummer.

He had his arm resting on Lily’s shoulder, and James almost threw up when he moved to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “Who’s that?” James asked, jealousy and anger burning hot beneath his skin.

“Who?” Regulus asked.

“That guy, the drummer. With my girlfriend.”

“Huh?” Regulus squinted to see, his eyes widening. “Oh? Is that Lily?”

“Yes!”

“Uh… well, shit.” In a rare show of true expression, Regulus actually looked like he felt bad for James. “We know him. He went to school with us.”

“He did?”

“Yes, that’s Severus.”

“Snape?” James asked, his voice a bit too loud even among the noise of the crowd. A few people turned to look at him. “The greasy, weird, asshole?”

“Yes, that one. But keep it down!”

James couldn’t speak. His vision was suddenly blurry, and his head was spinning. Regulus grabbed James by the wrist, pulling him through the crowd. James didn’t know where they were going or why Regulus was dragging him away, but he felt too numb to protest.

“James, calm down.”

They were outside, the faint breeze a small relief against James’ skin.

“James, I’m serious! You’re freaking out!”

He didn’t realize he was hyperventilating until Regulus’ words cut through the buzz in his head. He shook James roughly, maybe not the most conventional way to treat someone who was on the verge of a mental breakdown, but somehow it worked, shocking James out of it.

“Y-you need to work on your bedside manner,” James croaked out.

“Great, so you’re back to normal.”

James squeezed his eyes shut. His legs felt weak, and he collapsed on the curb, pulling his knees up to his chest. For some reason, Regulus sat as well. He didn’t speak, rummaging through his jacket pockets instead.

He pulled out a lighter, holding it up to James in a question.

“I don’t really smoke,” James muttered.

“It’s a blunt, not a cigarette.”

“Oh… well, in that case.”

The weed did help, calming James down enough that he could breathe properly.

“So what’s the truth?” Regulus asked eventually, once they’d passed the blunt back and forth a few times.

“Hm?” James asked, watching the cars pass, sending shadows dancing down the street.

“You told Barty you were actually broken up, but you called Lily your girlfriend back there.”

“Oh…” James blinked. His head felt too heavy on his shoulders. “Do you want the honest answer?” Before Regulus could respond, James continued. “No, I shouldn’t tell you. You’d just make fun of me, what’s the point? It’s stupid. Pitiful. I’m pitiful. She’s already fucking around with fucking Snape of all people, even after she told me there wasn’t someone else! Something great, my ass!”

“Uh… Okay?” Regulus said. “I don’t really care either way. Whatever happened, I can’t think much less of you than I already do.”

It was downright rude, just as Regulus usually was. Yet, it was oddly comforting. There was no standard for James to meet with Regulus, he already thought James was pitiful. What did he have to lose?

He frowned, daring a glance over at Regulus. “She broke up with me, for real. Possibly temporarily. I don’t know… I’ve been trying to block it all out, if I’m honest. She said something about exploring our options, dating other people, and getting back together if we thought we were still meant to be after that.”

“Sounds like an excuse to me,” Regulus said with an exhale that sent smoke billowing into the night air.

“That’s what I thought,” James said. “But then I-I thought I just had to prove myself to her. Prove that I am good enough, there isn’t better! I still think I can make her see.”

“That’s fucking stupid,” Regulus said harshly. “If it’s meant to be, you wouldn’t have to prove yourself. She’d just see it.”

It was a surprisingly sound piece of advice from Regulus Black of all people.

“Maybe…” James agreed, though he was far from ready to let any of it go.

“Quit it with the self-pity.” Regulus pinched James’ arm (a little harder than was necessary). “I can see you thinking yourself to death. It’s not a good look on you. You don’t have enough brain cells for that.”

“Once again, your bedside manner is lacking.”

Regulus sighed loudly. “I’m not here to be your therapist. You’re lucky I haven’t smacked you already. All I wanted was to get laid tonight, but no. Here I am, consoling James Potter…”

“You can still get laid.”

“Oh, are you offering?” Regulus asked mockingly.

James choked on his breath, coughing violently. “Wha— No! I was just saying!”

“Good, because you were a terrible kisser.”

The memory of Regulus’ lips flashed through James’ mind unbidden. The way he’d felt underneath James’ hands, the heat of his lips, the line of his body pressed against James’.

“So were you!” James shot back quickly. “Awful!”

“I’d rather swallow a knife than kiss you again,” Regulus said bitterly.

“Me too!”

Their knees knocked together. Somehow, during their argument, they’d gotten closer. Too close.

Close enough that James could see the streetlights reflected in Regulus’ eyes and the way his lips parted as he took in a sharp breath.

They both froze, eye-to-eye, close enough to cross a line James couldn’t admit to wanting to cross.

Regulus turned away first, crossing his arms and huffing. “Fuck you.”

In a very, very consequential misstep, James reached out and pushed Regulus on the chest in retaliation. Eyes flashing in anger, Regulus moved, grabbing James by the wrist and pushing him back. They fell together, James barely managing to stop his head from slamming into the concrete.

“What the hell! Are you trying to kill me? What if I’d gotten a concussion?”

“Maybe it’d knock some intelligence into your empty head! You started it!”

“You started it!”

“You were the one who had to freak out over your ex! That’s the only reason we’re even out here!” Regulus yelled. “If you could grow some balls and find someone else to fuck, this wouldn’t be a problem!”

“I can fuck whoever I please! It’s not like I’m prospectless!”

Regulus made a show of looking around. “Oh, really? I don’t see anyone.”  

James sneered. “I don’t see anyone here who wants to fuck you either! You’re the one who wanted to get laid, anyway.”

“Because you had to come along and get in the way!”

“Oh, get off me, you asshole!”

“No!” Regulus, it seemed, was so intent on disagreeing with everything James said that he spoke without thinking. As soon as he did, he clamped his mouth shut. James’ eyebrows shot up.

“Maybe you’re the one who wants to fuck me.” It was supposed to be another jab at Regulus. Jams didn’t mean it seriously.

He didn’t, until Regulus’ face turned bright red and he practically threw himself off James.

Oh… Now, what’s this?

James sat up slowly, rubbing the back of his head. Regulus was stiff, his jaw clenched. “You think I’m a good kisser,” James said gleefully. “You did like it.”

“Y-you’re fine, nothing to write home about,” Regulus stammered.

“That’s not what you said a moment ago… What was it, something about how you’d rather swallow knives?”

“And if I recall, you agreed!”

“Yeah, I lied,” James admitted easily now that he felt he had the upper hand.

Regulus choked. “What?”

“You’re a decent kisser. I enjoyed it. You’re not usually my type, and God knows your personality is awful, but… you’re not so bad when your mouth is occupied.”

For the first time ever, it seemed James had rendered Regulus speechless. “S-shut up,” was all he managed after opening and closing his mouth a few times. “You just want something to take your mind off Lily, I know what you’re doing.”

“So? And you want to get laid. We could use each other.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” Regulus muttered. Though he didn’t outright say no.

“Why? You use people for sex all the time. Why is this different? Am I special?” James asked, an edge of teasing in his voice.

“No,” Regulus said resolutely. “I know exactly what will happen, we’ll go back to my place and you’ll back out.”

“Are you daring me, Regulus?”

“I don’t care enough either way. It’s not like I’m desperate for you. I could find any number of people inside who would go home with me.”

Maybe it was the weed, or the alcohol, or the challenge, or the adrenaline… It could have been any number of things. Neither James nor Regulus was in the practice of thinking things through. They followed one high to the next, and in that moment, this was James’ vice.

“Yeah, but I’m right here, aren’t I?”

Chapter Text

JAMES

_

For the second time that night, James ended up in the last place he expected.

This time, inside Regulus Black’s dark flat. The front door closed behind them, but Regulus didn’t lock it.

He turned on James. “Changed your mind yet?” he taunted.

“I never back down from a dare.”

“I didn’t dare you.”

“Not too late…”

Regulus looked like he was at the end of his rope with James. He expected to be kicked out. Instead, Regulus smiled mockingly. “Okay, James, I dare you to fuck me? Happy—”

He didn’t get to finish his sentence because James shoved him against the front door, pinning him down. “Enough talking,” he hissed.

He could have sworn a small gasp slipped out of Regulus, but it was swallowed by James’ lips.

There was nothing gentle about it. There was no love lost between them. If anything, this was hate sex.

He found he didn’t care. The memory of Snape’s fingers in Lily’s hair was fresh in his mind. She’d curled her hair. She never did that unless it was for a wedding or another equally formal event. But she did it for him.

James needed to forget. He wondered if there was something Regulus was trying to forget as well, because he matched the intensity of the kiss, like he was trying to erase something, to fill a hole in himself. James had a few of those as well. His heart was a hollow, wounded creature. At least he felt satisfaction from this, a gruesome justification. Maybe Lily would never know, but at least he felt like he was getting back at her.

Who knew? Maybe Regulus would be good enough in bed to wash away the pain, just for a few hours.

“You’re really not my type,” James murmured as he mouthed down Regulus’ throat.

Regulus’ fingers wound in James’ hair, yanking his head back so they were eye to eye. “Then leave,” he growled. Despite his ire, his lips were parted as he panted, his pupils dilated in the dark. Clearly, he wanted this. Maybe not James specifically, but Regulus didn’t seem like the type to turn down sex. Even with someone he hated.

“You didn’t let me finish,” James said breathlessly, a shiver zipping up his spine as Regulus’ grip tightened with his heated glare. James never got to give up control. He loved Lily, he did, but he was always the one to initiate and lead. “You’re not my type, but you’re hot as hell. Jesus.”

“Don’t flatter me. I don’t need it,” Regulus said, his voice low.

James pressed his hips more forcefully against Regulus’. “The ball’s in your court,” he whispered. “You can lead, whatever you want.”

“Oh, really? You’re going to let me?” Regulus asked, a wicked edge to his voice. Maybe this was a bad idea.

James was so far past caring.

“Well…” It wouldn’t be so easy to give up all control to Regulus. It was against their nature. “Get me a drink first, and I’ll manage. You have any alcohol?”

“Some nasty vodka.”

“Nasty?”

“It’s pink lemonade… Blame Pandora.”

“Ugh.” James grimaced. “Yeah, give it to me.”

Regulus let go of James, heading to the kitchen without waiting for James to follow.

James took the chance to look around Regulus’ flat. The lights were all off, but there was a nightlight in the shape of a mushroom plugged in next to the stove. James snorted to himself at the sight.

The light of the fridge lit up the kitchen, and Regulus left it open as he pulled out shot glasses from the cabinet.

“Is this Hello Kitty?” James questioned in disbelief when Regulus handed him the glass.

“Shut up, that’s Pandora’s fault too. She buys me a shot glass every Christmas.”

“What’s yours?” James squinted to make out the pattern on Regulus’ glass. It was odd to get these glimpses of Regulus’ life. It made him seem more… human.

“…Naruto,” Regulus said under his breath, seeming a little flustered.

James threw his head back as he laughed, and Regulus swiped at him.

“If you don’t drink, I will pour that down your throat. I’m serious, James! Quit laughing!”

The look in Regulus’ eye told James he’d make good on his threat, and James quickly swallowed his laughter, downing his shot. They took four each. Probably overkill, but maybe they needed it to go through with this without killing each other.

Regulus was right, the Vodka was nasty. It was the cheap stuff, and it tasted like straight acetone burning down James’ throat. The buzz that followed was worth it.

Regulus closed the fridge, plunging them into darkness. James’ eyes didn’t have any time to adjust before Regulus was on him, pushing him against the counter. It was good like this, in the dark with his head spinning and Regulus’ cold hands pushing under his shirt.

James let everything go. Every bit of pain and heartbreak that plagued him faded away.

Despite his freezing hands, Regulus’ body was warm against James. The heat of another human body was something that even the most vivid fantasies and wet dreams couldn’t recreate.

When was the last time I had sex? James wondered distantly as Regulus’ knee pushed between his legs. The friction was dizzying, mixing with the alcohol in James’ veins. He felt high, and it wasn’t from any substance.

The past year with Lily had been weird, to say the least. Sometimes James would have a one-night stand when they were on a break, but it’d been a while.

Regulus’ mouth kissed up James’ neck, his teeth grazing the delicate skin. He paused to nip at James’ earlobe. “What happened to giving me control?” he whispered, his breath hot on James’ skin. “Come on, I know you can do better than this.” He punctuated his words by pressing his knee up harder, drawing a low grunt out of James.

He knew what Regulus wanted, and he obliged. Just for now, they could pretend they were desperate for each other, instead of just mutually using each other. James pressed down against Regulus’ thigh, riding the friction. Even through his trousers, it was really fucking good.

James’ head dropped onto Regulus’ shoulder, panting in his ear as he rode Regulus’ thigh. Small sounds escaped James’ mouth as pleasure bloomed in the pit of his stomach. Surprisingly, Regulus didn’t complain.

More, more, more, James’ mind pleaded. This wasn’t enough.

“R-Regulus,” James grunted hoarsely.  

“Hm?” Regulus asked teasingly. “Did you want something, James? We’re doing this on my terms, remember?”

“Please,” James begged, any self-respect already gone.

“Fine,” Regulus huffed. He caught James by the lips, spinning them around and pushing James backwards. They stumbled out of the kitchen, and all James could do was hope they wouldn’t trip over anything.

Together, they fell onto the sofa, Regulus on top. He wasted no time tugging at the waistband of James’ scrubs. It was a struggle to peel them off, but Regulus managed to tug them down as James awkwardly lifted his hips into the air. Then went his pants as well. James pulled off his shirt last. Rising onto his elbows, he reached out, fingers fumbling with Regulus’ belt as he leaned over James, kissing him roughly.

“God!” James complained, turning his cheek and breaking the kiss. “Your hair is in my mouth, and what’s the deal with this fucking belt? Dude!”

“Oh my god, so you really never shut up?” Regulus asked impatiently. He pushed back his unruly curls before unhooking his belt and pulling it through the loops. It fell to the ground with a loud clatter. “Happy?”

James got the feeling Regulus would punch him if he said anything more, so he just nodded silently.

“Good, now no more talking or I’m sending you home,” Regulus threatened, returning to James’ mouth like nothing had happened.

From there, it was much smoother sailing. Regulus’ hands explored James’ chest. His fingers had warmed with the heat between them, and each touch was electrifying, going right to James’ currently very hard dick. When Regulus’ touch finally strayed to James’ hips, he couldn’t help but twitch impatiently. For some reason, Regulus took his time. He dragged his palms over James ' thighs, nails digging into the soft flesh between his legs before letting go.

He drew back enough to spit in his hand before finally wrapping it around James’ cock. He wasn’t proud of the sound that escaped at the first slow tug. “Oh fuck,” he choked out, throwing his head back.

Maybe it really had been too long, because James felt his sanity slipping away with each slow stroke. He was pretty sure his mind whited out when Regulus leaned over, taking James’ cock into his mouth.

It was so hot, so warm, so damn good. James might have ascended to heaven just then.

Regulus’ head bobbed, his tongue working skillfully, erasing most coherent thought from James’ mind. Most. There was only one thing James wanted.

“W-wait, Regulus…” James panted. He reached out, tugging weakly at Regulus’ trousers. “Take these off,” he murmured. “And come over to the side.”

Regulus pulled off James, surveying him for a moment. “I don’t think that’ll work, the sofa isn’t big enough.” His voice was deliciously hoarse. Despite his protest, Regulus obeyed, stripping down and precariously balancing at James’ side on his knees.

“Spit in my hand.” James could have done it himself, but there was something about watching Regulus lean forward, his lips wet and his cheeks flushed as he spat in James’ palm.

The angle was tricky. James had to twist his wrist in a way that was sure to become painful if this went on too long. Regulus was barely keeping himself on the sofa, his hand on the back cushion as he leaned forward, trying to hold up his weight.

But it did work. Uncomfortable as it was, that was all forgotten when Regulus’ mouth was back on James’ dick. The small noise he made at James’ first touch made it all worth it.

Soon they were both breathless, and Regulus was whining, his hips twitching as James worked him up. He was so quiet, each noise drawn out of him was like a reward.

“S-so good,” James murmured. “Yes, Regulus, just like that.”

The pleasure grew steadily. Regulus was too good at this, and James knew he wouldn’t last much longer. To his utter shock, Regulus came first, the first proper moan coming out of his mouth as his hips jerked and cum splattered James’ hand and arm. It was enough to send James tumbling over the edge. He was pretty sure he saw stars, his orgasm knocking the breath out of him. Regulus didn’t pull off, his tongue swirling over the head of James’ cock until he was shaking with overstimulation and trying to push Regulus off.

Slowly, Regulus pulled back, swallowing hard. He met James’ eye as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

“You owe me,” Regulus said roughly. “I don’t usually swallow.”

“T-then why did you?” James asked, even to his own ears, his voice sounded wrecked.

“Was easier at this angle.” Regulus shrugged, like he hadn’t just had James’ dick down his throat.

James blinked, trying to get his bearings. Shakily, he sat up, finding Regulus’ shirt on the floor and using it to wipe his hands. “Do you always come that fast?”

“What? No!”

“So, it’s just me then?” James grinned cockily, and Regulus seemed to realize he’d fallen into a trap. Either he admitted he had bad stamina, or that James was just that good.

“Oh, fuck you,” Regulus grumbled. He stood on shaky legs, grimacing at the mess between his legs. James tossed him the t-shirt, and he glared at it unhappily, but wiped himself off anyway. “Why are we using my shirt?”

“Because this is your house and you have plenty of others. I have to go home.”

Regulus muttered a few choice words under his breath that James didn’t bother listening to. He thought Regulus would instantly retreat, but for some reason, he hesitated. “Where the hell did you learn to give a handjob like that?” he asked, seemingly before he could stop himself. “I—” he winced. “I mean, you’ve been dating a woman for years.”

“We break up a lot,” James said. “Also, I have a dick too, Regulus.”

“We both know that’s not the same.”

James smiled, satisfied with himself. “What can I say? I’m good with my hands.”

A look crossed Regulus’ face, and James had a feeling he was wondering what James’ hands could do in other places. But the night was over, the spell broken.

“There are glasses above the microwave if you need water, bathroom is to your left. I’m going to bed. You can see yourself out.”

He left without any pleasantries, but James hadn’t expected anything different. He didn’t exhale until a door shut down the hall.

Fuck.

James’ muscles felt like liquid, and the faint remnants of his orgasm buzzed between his hips. That was good, it wasreally good. Even though it was only a blowjob, it was the best sex James could remember having in a long time.

He hadn’t even come down from his high, and still, his body wanted more. He wanted to fuck Regulus properly, to finger him until those small little sounds turned into cries.

James wanted to do this again.

That was unlikely to happen. He stamped down the feelings, heading to the bathroom to clean up.

When he was done, he got himself a glass of water, leaning against the kitchen counter. The vodka and shot glasses were still out. On a whim, James decided to clean up before leaving. He washed the glasses and set them on the drying rack before picking up Regulus’ discarded clothes and folding them neatly on the sofa. 

With that, he left Regulus’ dark flat, an odd mix of satisfaction and hunger following him.

__

It was nearly three a.m. when James made it home, so he was surprised to find the lights on when he stepped inside. Sirius was a night owl, but he’d usually be in his room this late if James weren’t hanging out with him.

He toed off his shoes, following the sound of voices into the living room.

James stopped dead, any of the forgetting he’d managed with Regulus instantly undone.

Sirius was on the sofa, but he wasn’t alone. Lily was sitting on the other side, her legs tucked underneath her. She’d tied her hair up in a messy bun, but she was still wearing the same outfit James had seen her in earlier.

Until that moment, regardless of their rocky relationship, James didn’t think he’d ever been truly angry at Lily. He was now. His fists clenched, and his vision turned red.

“Ah, Prongs! There you are!” Sirius paused, his eyes raking over James’ likely disheveled appearance. “Did you get laid?”

James ignored the question, forcing his voice to come out calm. “What are you doing here?” he asked Lily.

Lily seemed shaken. Maybe this wasn’t going the way she expected. Yes, James thought, I can fuck around with other people too. You’re not the only one with options. “Oh, I-I wanted to talk to you. I tried calling, but you weren’t picking up your phone.”

“I was busy,” James said offhandedly. There was no mistaking what he was busy doing. “What did you need?”

Lily swallowed, tugging nervously at her bun. “Uh… I thought I saw you tonight. At the Slytherin concert?”

“Oh, really?” James feigned ignorance. “Barty Crouch invited me, I didn’t realize you were there too. Why didn’t you say hi?”

“Well, it looked like you were leaving…” Lily trailed off. “You really didn’t see me there?”

“No, why? I’m not your keeper, Lily. There’s nothing wrong with going to a concert.”

“No, of course! I just thought you might be mad.”

“Why would I be mad?”

“Uh… never mind, I must have just gotten in my head.” She stood, shooting Sirius a weak smile. “I should get going, I have an early client tomorrow. Night.”

James faked a smile, bidding her goodnight. As soon as the front door closed, his smile dropped, and he gritted his teeth. Fuck.  

“What was that?” Sirius asked quietly.

“Nothing, I don’t want to talk about it—”

“Don’t say that again,” Sirius interrupted. “That’s how I know something is really wrong.” James didn’t reply, and Sirius frowned, patting the sofa. “Come sit,” he said softly.

James did as he was told, collapsing next to Sirius. To his surprise, his friend instantly wrapped an arm around James, pulling him close.

“Sirius…” James murmured but dropped his head on Sirius’ shoulder anyway. His eyes fluttered shut, and he breathed deeply.

“You know I love you, right?”

“I do. I love you too.”

Sirius rubbed James’ shoulder gently. “I know how you are. You can talk forever about the smallest inconveniences, but when something is really hurting you, you don’t talk about it. I’m here whenever you’re ready.”

“Thanks, Sirius,” James said, his voice small.

Sirius responded by pressing a dramatic kiss to James’ cheek. “Ew,” he grimaced, pulling back. “You smell like sex.”

It was only then that he recalled a very important detail that had slipped his mind before then. Regulus was Sirius’ brother.

Oh no. Oh hell! How did that not hit me before now? I just had sex with my best friend’s brother!

This was fine. Everything would be okay. Regulus wouldn’t say anything, and James could wait until they were seventy and then bring it up when Sirius would (hopefully) be able to laugh about it. James doubted there would be a repeat of tonight, anyway.

“Sorry,” James said, ducking out of Sirius’ arms. “I’m going to go shower. Goodnight, Pads.”

“Night!” Sirius called after him.

James needed to sleep for a week; he wouldn’t get lucky. There was an entire work week ahead of him, and he needed to be up in three hours.

Damn, adulthood sucked.

REGULUS

_

Regulus was not proud of it. He needed to make that known.

In fact, he was incredibly ashamed and disgusted with himself.

When he finally heard the door shut behind James, Regulus tried to go to sleep. The memory of James’ hand around his dick would not let him.

He would rather die than inflate James’ ego even more, but that was the best handjob Regulus had ever had. Even with the bad angle and the fact that James was a little distracted.

For the briefest second as he came, everything else was wiped away, just like Regulus had always hoped for. All his brain could compute was James’ warm, skillful hand, and the pleasure blooming throughout his body.

Of all people, it just had to be James Potter to blow Regulus’ mind.

What would James’ fingers feel like inside Regulus, what about his dick? He was bigger than Barty, not by too much, but definitely thicker. James would fuck Regulus so good, and he absolutely hated it.

What had Regulus done to deserve this? (He didn’t want an answer to that. The list was far too long.)

In what was probably the lowest moment of his life, Regulus kicked off his blanket, turning over to fumble through his bedside table until his fingers closed around the bottle of lube. He pulled off his shorts, trying not to think about what he was doing.

This was so disgusting. Regulus was so hard. Again.

Though he tried, he couldn’t recreate James’ handjob on himself, and he quickly gave up, squeezing more lube onto his fingers. He didn’t bother preparing himself too much before pushing two fingers inside himself. The sudden stretch hurt a little, but Regulus was so desperately turned on he didn’t even feel it.

It was pitiful, three fingers deep, fucking himself into the bed as something akin to a sob escaped his mouth.

“Fuck…” he babbled senselessly. It was so much, he’d already come once tonight, not even half an hour ago. It still wasn’t enough.

He couldn’t even make himself pause as he twisted to grab a dildo from his open drawer. He kept fingering himself, only stopping when he needed both his hands to lube up the toy.

Regulus had wanted to ride James tonight, a fantasy he wasn’t aware he had until he had his eyes on James’ thick cock. Now, he rose into a crouch, sinking onto the dildo with a loud groan that was so unlike him.

Regulus was horny in a way he was unfamiliar with. Usually, it was tainted with a need for pleasure, for forgetting, numbing. It didn’t matter who it was, as long as he got an orgasm out of it and just a second of something stronger than the pain.

This was not that. It was desperate, messy. He was more turned on than he’d ever been in his life. Regulus wanted James.

He fucked himself until he came, collapsing back on his bed in a sticky puddle.

The shame hit almost as soon as the orgasm passed.

What are you doing? What’s wrong with you? This is James Potter, he’s an insufferable, egotistical dickhead.

Yeah, but he’s really fucking hot.

“Shut the fuck up,” Regulus said aloud. Even his own conscience was at war with itself.

He wound up stripping his sheets off his bed and going to sleep with just his pillow. As his eyes were closing, his phone lit up. He reached for it, squinting at the notification.

James Potter

How much money do u make

Do u know you have JETS in your bathtub

Regulus groaned aloud. Why could he never get James to leave him alone?

Regulus

You shouldn’t ask someone that

A lot

Lose my number

[James Potter]

No.

Night :)))))

Regulus rolled his eyes, but despite his disdain, James was the last thing on his mind when he fell asleep.

__

The work week passed, as mundane as always. Regulus spent all day staring at numbers on a computer screen in his stifling office. The only sounds were occasional chatter and the clack of keyboards.

If he were to psychoanalyze himself, maybe that was part of why he went so wild in his free time. It was to contrast his monotonous days at work.

Not that Regulus hated his job. It was a job. It paid well enough that he lived comfortably and didn’t even need a flatmate. It was easy, and for the most part, he could keep to himself. So long as he looked busy, people didn’t bother him.

Of course, he occasionally had to suffer through office bonding and well-meaning people trying to drag him into the yearly secret Santa and paint and sips after hours. He always declined. It helped that he was younger than most of his coworkers, and they chalked his antisocial tendencies up to the age difference.

He finished Friday as he always did, sitting with his hands on his lap, watching the seconds tick closer to five o’clock with a death glare. As if he could make time move faster through sheer bitterness.

Regulus liked his job as much as he could like any job. Meaning, he’d rather be doing most anything else, but if he had to be a cog in the capitalist machine, this would do.

The second the time hit five, Regulus logged out. His bag was already packed up, and all he had to do was sling it over his shoulder and make a break for it.

“Have a good weekend, Regulus!” one of his coworkers called after him.

“You too,” Regulus said, raising his hand in farewell.

Thankfully, no one else tried to talk to him.

Most of his coworkers were middle-aged with kids. Regulus had a feeling he was about to have a very different weekend than they were. But who knew? Maybe some of them secretly had a wild streak.

Barty was waiting outside when Regulus stepped onto the street. He honked his horn in greeting, and Regulus rolled his eyes, climbing into the passenger seat.

“Can you not do that?”

“I told him not to,” Evan grumbled from the back seat.

“I will not have you both suck the joy and excitement out of my life!” Barty declared dramatically.

Evan and Regulus both ignored him.

“Hey, Ev,” Regulus said, twisting to look at his friend in the back. He didn’t mention that this was the first time they’d all been together in weeks.

“Hey,” Evan said with a smile that seemed a little too strained at the edges.

Regulus could feel it. Evan resented him.

Do I care? Regulus asked himself, recalling his conversation with Pandora not so long ago. Yes. Regulus did. He was pretty certain of that. He didn’t want to hurt Evan, but he didn’t feel as guilty as he knew he should.

Dorcas was still giving Regulus the cold shoulder as well. He had a feeling tonight might suck.

Correction: it would suck. No doubt about it.

Things were just piling up, weren’t they? They’d made these plans a months ago. It was Peter’s book release party, and they were supposed to meet up with Sirius and his friends.

Sirius, whom Regulus still hadn’t properly spoken to since their fight. And his friends included James Potter, whose dick Regulus had sucked only a few days ago.

Why did he dig these holes? Was Regulus a magnet for chaos, or was it his own poor decisions that put him here? He thought he knew the answer, but he didn’t want to think too hard about it. If he did, Sirius’ words echoed in his head.

“You destroy everything you touch.”

What if he was right?

If Regulus dwelled on it, he’d drown in the words. He had a strict policy; it was the only way he survived day-to-day. Don’t dwell, don’t look back, don’t think too much.

It’d gotten him this far. Otherwise, he might have killed himself at eighteen. But here Regulus was. He was doing alright.

Well… he was alive at least. Wasn’t that something?

Sometimes a person had to do a few unsavory things to survive. Regulus didn’t think he should be faulted for that.

Is it to survive, though? Or do you do it because you enjoy it? Because you’re just like your parents, hurting people to feel in control.

Shut the fuck up, Regulus told his own mind.

Don’t dwell, don’t think.

Sometimes he needed a helping hand to manage that. But that’s what the alcohol and sex were for.

Vices, Pandora called it. Regulus called them tools.

Barty was right, people like them didn’t have so many options. They did what they had to.

“So,” Barty began, as buildings blurred past outside the window. “You still haven’t told me where you got to on Monday. You up and disappeared on me.”

“It’s not your business,” Regulus said, crossing his arms.

“Was it Benjy again? Please tell me it’s not. Fucking around with him is a little cruel.”

That stung. If Barty of all people thought Regulus was going too far, that meant something. Fuck him. “No, it was just a random one-night stand,” Regulus lied.

“Was he a good lay at least?”

Regulus took too long to reply, and Barty let out a noise akin to a shriek, braking way too abruptly at a red light. Regulus threw his arm out to stop his head from flinging into the dashboard. “Shit, Barty! Learn how to drive!”

“I can drive,” Barty scoffed. “Anyway, don’t think I’m letting you change the topic.” The light turned green, and Barty stepped on the gas. Evan looked a little sick in the back seat.

“Can you be more careful?” he reprimanded.

Barty ignored Evan, continuing gleefully. “Did Regulus Black finally find someone to blow his mind in bed? Has the world ended?”

“Your life is about to end,” Regulus grumbled.

“Aw! Reg, I’m happy for you. When are you seeing him again? Is he hot?”

“I’m not, I told you it was one time.”

“But you want another,” Barty said knowingly. “Did you get his number at least?”

If Barty ever found out it was James, Regulus’ life was over. “No. Now leave it alone, I mean it.”

“Geez,” Barty tutted. “Not like you to clam up. You’re being weird about this.”

Regulus figured the only way this conversation would end was if he refused to entertain it, so he kept his mouth shut and turned to gaze out the window.

Barty sighed loudly at the silence. “You two used to be fun,” he complained. “What happened? Why are we being Debbie Downers?”

“Barty! Watch the road!” Evan exclaimed as their friend hit a curb on a right turn.

“Hopeless… the lot of you. No fun at all,” Barty said under his breath, but he did drive a little more carefully (by his standards) after that.

Peter had a nice house in the suburbs nestled between an array of other very nice, very large houses. He’d made it big as a cringy romance author when they were still only in university. Regulus thought Peter’s books were over the top and stereotypical, but it meant he got to drop out of school, buy a huge house, and live his life freely, not constrained by a nine-to-five.

(Maybe Regulus was a little envious.)

There were already cars in the drive when they pulled in. Regulus wondered just how many people Peter had invited to his party.

Too many, it turned out. The house was rowdy as they stepped inside. The girls were spread out around the sofa, giggling amongst themselves. Sirius was nodding to something Mary was saying, and Peter was laughing so hard he was almost on the ground, while Remus looked on in amusement.

Peter jumped up as he spotted them, waving wildly. “And more arrive! Hey guys!”

“Hey Peter, congrats,” Evan said, letting Peter pull him into a quick side hug. He knew better than to try that with Barty or Regulus.

“Uh… how many people are coming?” Regulus asked, looking around the full living room.

“Oh, you know, just a few more,” Peter replied casually. “Pandora, James, a few author friends, my agent… Not that many!”

“Right,” Regulus said. “You’d better have alcohol at this party.”

“Who do you think I am? Drinks are in the kitchen, help yourselves! I have all the good stuff, some mixers, and Remus helped me make some cocktails, but otherwise, it’s serve yourself.”

“Drinks?” Regulus asked, turning to Barty.

“Drinks,” Barty agreed solemnly. He paused. “Hey, Peter, can I smoke in your house? I just got off a thirteen-hour shift, and I need a cigarette, or I will die.”

“Uh… take it to the backyard,” Peter pleaded. “Please, you’ll stink up my house.”

“Fine, fine. Coming, Reg?”

“Why not?”

Evan hung back, but Regulus didn’t miss the way his eyes followed them as they left the room.

Jesus, they weren’t about to have sex in Peter’s backyard. Evan needed to make a move or get a grip already.

The sun was still high enough in the sky that Regulus was sweating as soon as they stepped outside. He pulled off his suit jacket, unbuttoning the top few buttons of his shirt. “Smoke?” Barty offered as he leaned over the porch railing.

“Nah, I’m okay.”

“Suit yourself.” Barty shrugged.

Regulus tapped his fingers on his thigh, staring out across the yard while Barty smoked.

“So, you’re really not going to tell me?”

Regulus turned his head to eye his friend. “Tell you what?”

“About your one-night stand! I usually get the details.”

“Barty,” Regulus groaned. “You’re making it out to be something it wasn’t. Just a guy from the concert who turned out to be a good fuck. It wasn’t life-changing or whatever you’re thinking it was.”

“Hm,” Barty hummed, clearly unconvinced. “I don’t believe you. Does this have something to do with your life crisis?”

“I don’t have a life crisis!”

“That’s not what it sounded like when you were asking me if you’re doing life wrong or whatever. Have you decided to turn over a new leaf? Is that it?”

“I don’t have new leaves. Fresh out.”

“Sure, until spring comes or something.”

“Oh my god. Shut the fuck up. Stop trying to sound all wise.”

“Hey! I thought that was pretty good. I was channeling Pandora,” Barty said, flicking ash onto the ground. Regulus watched it fall, almost in slow motion.

“Well, stop. It’s freaking me out.”

“I stand by what I said, you’re no fun at all, Regulus.”

“Whatever, finish your cigarette so I can have a drink.”

Alcohol was motivation enough for Barty to hurry up and get them out of the heat.

In the kitchen, Barty entertained himself by creating what had to be a toxic mix of random drinks and mixers.

“Are you trying to kill yourself?” Regulus asked, settling on straight tequila, a sharp contrast to Barty’s abomination.

“The night is still young. I’ll get back to you on that.”

Together, they headed back to the living room, where a few more people had arrived. Pandora and Evan were deep in conversation with Remus. Mary and Lily were trying to break up what was sure to turn into a fight between Dorcas and Marlene.

Fuck, Lily. Regulus remembered seeing her at the concert and the look on James’ face. For a moment there, he hadn’t seemed like James Potter at all, not the version Regulus knew. It was like seeing Lily and Snape together drained every bit of self-confidence and cockiness, leaving him an empty shell that Regulus didn’t know what to do with.

Speak of the devil.

The door opened, and James Potter appeared. He was wearing his navy scrubs, and the sunlight backlit him, creating a halo around his form.

Had James always looked so hot in scrubs? He shouldn’t have, and Regulus couldn’t recall ever noticing the muscles of his arms or the way the V-neck highlighted his strong shoulders before.

“Nice of you to join us, Prongs!” Peter called teasingly.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I got held up with a patient. Fridays always try to make me extra grateful for the weekend.” James sighed. “I’m going to use your bathroom to change?”

Regulus noticed he purposefully didn’t look Lily’s way.

“Be my guest.”

There was a brief pause while James’ eyes darted around the room. Dorcas waved at him, and a few greetings were exchanged as he made his way towards the hall.

“Oh, hey, Potter,” Barty said. “I have your shirt still.”

“Oh! Yes, I need that back, please. Scrubs are expensive.”

“Hold, on I’ll grab it.”

Barty disappeared to find wherever he’d left his bag, and Sirius made a choked sound. “Why does Crouch have your shirt?” he asked suspiciously.

“Because of that concert, remember?” Sirius just gave James a look, and Regulus had a feeling he knew what his brother was thinking. He knew James had been with someone that night, and he now thought it was Barty. Dear god. “Anyway, I’m going to change now.”

Marlene waved a hand, grabbing Sirius’ attention, and James skirted around the room, leaving a subtle touch on Regulus’ elbow. “Hey,” he whispered.

Oh no.

“What?” Regulus hissed under his breath.

“I need to talk to you. Come with me.”

“To the bathroom?”

“Please? It’s important.”

Did James want to talk about the sex? Was this going to become a thing?

Fuck.

Regulus only followed because no one had noticed their interaction yet, and he didn’t want to draw attention to it.

Internally, he was panicking. He’d banked on James never mentioning their brief affair and pretending it hadn’t happened. If he wanted to talk about it, Regulus didn’t know how he’d burn the memory from his brain.

All he could think about as they stepped into the bathroom was how he’d shamefully fucked himself to the memory of James’ hands and body. More than once since Monday.

James shut the door, and the noise of the party became muffled.

“What do you want?” Regulus demanded as James riffled through his bag, pulling out clothes.

“It’s about the concert,” James said, shamelessly pulling off his shirt.

Regulus shielded his eyes. “Can you not?”

“I didn’t think you were such a prude.”

“James.”

“God, turn around then! I need to do this quickly before anyone notices you’re in here. I’m multi-tasking,” he said, as his trousers came off next. Regulus carefully kept his eyes fixed on the bathroom tiles. He didn’t turn around.

“Then get to the point!”

“Fine… Look, when I got home on Monday, Lily was waiting for me. I guess she saw me at the concert and panicked that I’d seen her with Snape.”

“How is this my problem?”

James leaned over to grab his fresh shirt, pulling the t-shirt over his head. It knocked his glasses askew, and Regulus really tried not to sneak peeks as James struggled. “Because you’re the only person who knows I saw them,” he explained. “I may or may not have played dumb and acted like I hadn’t seen her. She doesn’t know I know. You can’t say anything, okay?”

“I wasn’t going to,” Regulus huffed. “It’s not my problem. I don’t care.”

James sighed in relief. “Thanks, Regulus.”

“Do you listen to me? Does my voice go in one ear and out the other? Don’t thank me. I’m not doing you a favor. I don’t care enough to mention it either way.”

“Are you ever not a bitch?”

“To people I like, sure. You don’t fall into that category.”

“I so admire your sunny disposition, Regulus.”

“Shut up, I’m leaving.”

“But I’m half naked!” James protested, hurrying to pull on his trousers as Regulus reached for the doorknob.

“That’s your fault.” Regulus wrenched open the door and—

God damn.

—He came face-to-face with Pandora.

“Oh,” was all she said, her eyes flitting to James and his state of undress.

Regulus refused to admit the pained sound he made.

“W-we were just talking!” James said quickly. Regulus slammed the door in his face.

Standing in the hall, Pandora gave Regulus a look. She knew him too well. She was the only person he’d told about kissing James.

“Please don’t tell me you’ve started a thing with James.”

“There’s not a thing.” Regulus shook his head.

“But things have happened?”

“M— Once, maybe,” he admitted in a whisper. “But we’re not talking about this now.”

“I see.” He didn’t know exactly what she meant by that. There was nothing to see. Nothing was happening between them.

Something had happened one time… or maybe twice if Regulus counted the kiss as well, but he wasn’t counting that. It’d been nothing more than a deal.

The sex was harder to explain away, but then again… It’d been an escape. A search for numbing, no different than any of the other meaningless sex he had. The stakes being higher and James being good in bed didn’t change that.

“Don’t give me that look,” Regulus muttered. He grabbed Pandora by the arm, pulling her further down the hall where no one (James included) could overhear them. “You think I’m an idiot.”

“I don’t think you’re an idiot, Regulus,” Pandora said calmly, her voice hushed. “I think you make poor decisions sometimes.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“You know it’s true,” she continued with a stern look. “Don’t get in over your head. I know you like to do whatever you want, but there would be consequences to messing around with James of all people.”

“Like what? It didn’t mean anything, Pandora. You’re thinking too hard about it.”

“Or you’re not thinking hard enough. It’s up to you to heed my warning or not. I can’t stop you. I just think you need to keep it to one time. Kissing him was one thing, but if you slept with him, Regulus…” She trailed off. Regulus’ lack of reply was answer enough. “So you did,” Pandora said, with a sigh. “He’s your brother’s best friend, not some random guy at the pub.”

“I know that.” Regulus gritted his teeth. “Don’t tell me what to do. I can handle myself.”

“…Okay,” was all she said. Regulus got the feeling that she didn’t believe him.

Was she right to be concerned? Regulus hadn’t thought too hard about his decision to sleep with James. It was spur of the moment… sort of. He’d had plenty of time to change his mind, but he hadn’t. Regulus wanted it. He didn’t deprive himself of the things he wanted. There was so little joy in his life. He chased anything that made him feel good.

That wasn’t a crime. Right?

Pandora reached out to squeeze his shoulder. “Come on, let’s get back to the party.”

Regulus nodded because he wasn’t interested in being lectured any longer.

In life, Regulus had learned one thing. If something could get worse, it would.

In retrospect, he should have known. When was he ever spared? Everything that had ever happened to him, everything he'd ever done... followed like a shadow. It always came back to bite.

When Regulus returned to the living room, Barty and Evan were bickering. Barty was trying to lick Evan for some reason. Evan kept pushing his face away, disgust written on his expression, though he was laughing.

How do you not know, Barty? Evan is obsessed with you.

Regulus had never considered telling him. Maybe he should have. But wouldn’t that just make things worse? Whatever Dorcas wanted Regulus to do, it wasn’t his place. Barty wasn’t ready for that. He’d just hurt Evan if they started something now, and their entire friend group would implode.

Better to leave it alone.

Sirius was watching Regulus as he picked his drink back up. They hadn’t talked about their fight yet, and Regulus wasn’t interested in rehashing it. Still, he didn’t want to continue the silent treatment either. He crossed the room to sit on the floor next to Sirius, sending him a nod.

Sirius understood, reaching out to clap Regulus on the shoulder. A truce was formed, without a single word spoken.

They understood each other.

Sometimes. They could have a conversation with only a few silent looks. Out of everyone, Sirius was probably the closest to getting inside Regulus’ heart. (Yet, still so far. Still out of reach.)

This was fine for the time being.

James reemerged, fully changed out of his scrubs. He purposefully ignored Lily as he went around properly greeting all of Peter’s guests. No one mentioned that, but Dorcas did lean in to whisper in Mary’s ear as she eyed Lily and then James.

A few more people arrived, just author friends of Peter’s that Regulus didn’t know.

“Is this everyone?” Sirius asked, slinging his arm casually around Regulus as he leaned forward. “Can we get the festivities started? Pete, you’ve got to sign my book!”

“Hm, we’re just waiting on—” The door opened, and Peter brightened. “Oh! There you are! Guys, this is my agent Benjy!”

Barty clapped a hand over his mouth, stifling a laugh, and Regulus snapped his head around to shoot him a menacing look.

“Regulus!” Sirius whispered in his ear. “Isn’t that your ex?”

Regulus considered flopping to the floor and rolling under the sofa, but whatever. He’d lived through worse things. It’d be a little less awkward if they hadn’t had sex a few weeks ago, but Benjy was now the third person in this room that Regulus had fucked.

Consequences of his life choices, he supposed.

Am I too easy? Jesus, I need to stop sleeping with people I know. This is getting bad.

Benjy’s eyes were on him, his mouth parted in surprise.

“Hey,” Regulus said casually. If he didn’t act weird about it, everyone else would (hopefully) follow his lead. “I didn’t realize you worked with Peter.”

“I- Regulus? Y-yeah, yes. I didn’t know you knew Peter.” Benjy was a lot less smooth, but he’d always been a little on the awkward side.

“He’s my brother’s friend.” Regulus shrugged.

“Hey, I’m your friend too, Regulus!” Peter protested.

“Depends on the day.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “How do you know Regulus?” he asked Benjy.

Benjy opened his mouth but couldn’t seem to force out a reply. God, he needed to get over it already.

If you wanted him to get over it, you shouldn’t have had sex with him.

Regulus imagined beating his mind back with a baseball bat, maybe running it over with a car. Shut up!

“We dated, some years back,” Regulus said. “No big deal.”

Not to Regulus, that was true. It was never serious, and Regulus never wanted it to be. But Benjy barely covered a wince at the words. “Yeah, it was a while ago,” he said quickly. “Anyway, congrats, Peter! You’ve worked hard, I’m excited to celebrate.”

Thankfully, Peter’s author friends knew Benjy, and they quickly pulled him into their circle.

Peter started some games next, and Regulus didn’t have time to worry about all the people he may or may not have slept with in the room.

Barty wound up leaving early, only because Evan begged him. They both worked blue-collar jobs, and they had long and odd hours. Sirius agreed to drive Regulus home instead, but that meant he had to stay far later than he intended.

Sirius was usually the last person to leave a function, and tonight was no different.

With Pandora, Evan, and Barty gone, Regulus had no interest in continuing conversation. He was all out of social battery, and he really didn’t want Dorcas to catch him when she was clearly still mad.

Slipping out of the house, Regulus settled on the front porch, drink in hand, as he stared out into the distance. His mind was quiet for once. There were a million things to worry about, but he didn’t let himself think. Instead, he fell into a trance-like state, watching the darkness unseeingly.

The slam of the front door startled him.

James was standing on the porch, looking a little flustered.

“Are you ever not a disturbance?” Regulus complained, before turning back to the dimly lit street.

James shuffled in place before sighing. He dropped onto the steps beside Regulus. “I’m avoiding Lily. She was trying to talk to me.”

“I didn’t invite you to join me. And I still don’t care about your relationship drama.”

“Yeah, but you haven’t punched me yet, so I take that as an invitation.”

“Don’t test me, I will.”

James laughed. “Regulus, I don’t think you could take me.”

Regulus swung his head around at that, glowering at James. “Excuse me? I could!”

James reached out, pinching Regulus’ wrist. “You’re too skinny.”

“I’m stronger than I look!”

“Oh, I’m sure you are. I’ve seen you kick ass, I just don’t think you could beat me.”

“You want to find out, Potter?” Regulus threatened.

“Oh, you want to go right now? Come at me, Regulus. I dare you.”

They were only saved from a fistfight breaking out on the lawn by Benjy stepping onto the porch. He stopped as he registered James and Regulus. “Oh, I’m sorry! I-I didn’t mean to interrupt anything.”

“Nah, man,” James said, rising to his feet. “The only thing you’re interrupting is me beating Regulus’ ass. Guess he’ll live to fight another day. I should get going anyway.”

“I won’t be the one getting my ass beat,” Regulus grumbled. “You’ll regret challenging me, Potter.”

“We shall see! Nice to see you, Benjy. Night, Regulus.”

James bounded down the steps, heading towards the drive.

“Hey, James!” Regulus called after him.

James spun, his brows raised in a question. “Hm?”

“Text me. We need to talk about Sirius.”

James paused, his expression darkening into something serious. “Yeah… okay,” he agreed, though he didn’t seem too enthusiastic about the idea.

With that, James left Benjy and Regulus alone. He almost wanted to ask James to come back.

“I was hoping to get the chance to talk to you,” Beny began after a moment of silence.

Great. “Okay…” Regulus murmured.

“I—” Benjy cleared his throat. “I don’t want what happened to happen again.” He couldn’t even say the word sex. Jesus.

“Okay. That’s fine.”

Benjy blinked. “That’s all you have to say?”

“What else would there be? You don’t want to have sex again. I’m not so much of an asshole that I’d try to change your mind.”

“That’s… not what I meant.”

“Then what? It’s just sex, Benjy. I thought I made that clear. You’re one out of three people here tonight I’ve slept with, it’s not a big deal to me.”

“Of course it’s not,” Benjy said, his expression twisting bitterly. “But not everyone lives like that, you know. It’s important to me that sex has meaning, which is why I don’t want you to ask me again.”

“I respect that. I won’t.”

With a slow exhale, Benjy shook his head. He looked away from Regulus, contemplating something. Suddenly, he frowned. “Who’s the third?”

“Huh?”

Benjy looked back to Regulus. “You said I’m one out of three. I know you had an on-and-off thing with Barty. That’s no surprise. But who’s the third? Another one of your friends? Evan?”

Regulus snorted. “Evan, no, definitely not. He’s in love with—” Regulus broke off. “Never mind, but it’s not him. It doesn’t matter who it is. We just went over this. Maybe sex is important to you, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I may not get it, but I can respect it. But it’s not like that for me. It’s just a thing I do because I can.”

Benjy frowned. “And you’re happy like that?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Regulus asked, his tone accusing. “Are you slut shaming me? I respect your view, but you can’t respect mine just because I sleep around?”

“What? No! No, Regulus, that’s not what I meant. I just… Does that satisfy you? You enjoy it?”

“I enjoy doing whatever I want.”

“I don’t think that’s a real answer.”

Regulus huffed. Crossing his arms. “Did you just want to talk to interrogate me, or what?”

“No, no,” Benjy said quickly. “I wanted to…” he swallowed. “I wanted to know if we could be friends.”

Regulus couldn’t control his expression as it morphed into disbelief. “You want to be friends?” he asked incredulously.

“Is that so crazy?”

“A little?”

“Look, I know it might sound weird, but I’ve realized I miss having you in my life. I’m not asking for anything crazy. We don’t even have to hang out. I just think it would be nice to text every so often or chat when we bump into each other. Peter is a close friend of mine too. We’ve been working a lot together on his past two books. I’m sure you and I wind up in the same place again, and it’d be nice if it weren’t weird.”

“Well… I guess that would be fine?” Regulus said hesitantly. “You’re not terrible company.”

Benjy laughed softly. “Thanks, Regulus.” He held out a hand. “To being friends, then.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Regulus sighed, but shook his hand anyway.