Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Zam wished she knew what she was walking into when she started dating Reddoons.

Zam wished that Redd was at least better than she expected, even though Zam loved her so much that she can’t let go.

It starts with a normal intimacy, Redd loves to talk about her interests, but most of the time the redhead keeps it all to herself with the fear that Zam would find them annoying. So she assured her many, many times, that she’ll always listen, no matter if it’s her interests, or a problem she is going through. Zam loved her so, so much, and she couldn’t bear the thought that Redd thinks otherwise. Zam just wanted to hold her tight, whisper to her about how much she loved her.

Slowly, and barely even noticeable– it turns abnormal. Like a taste she wasn’t familiar with. Redd was starting to bottle up her thoughts again, so Zam of course reassured her again, telling her that everything was fine. But the more she thought of it, the more it felt strange. It was a painful realization to think of, but surely— surely Redd doesn’t feel disturbed because of her, right? She decided to leave her alone for a while. Zam occasionally greets her with a soft ‘good morning’ or ‘good night’, just a slight reminder that she still loved her.

Redd was a difficult puzzle to solve, though. One day she could be talking with her gleefully and full of excitement, and always ready to talk about anything with Zam— the day after, she’d immediately turn quiet, like all her social battery ran out. Zam wasn’t sure how to differentiate between her soft, loving gaze, and her silent frustrated stare. Nothing is easy with her, but if it’s to prove her love, of course Zam would take the challenge. If those hard pushes, food refusal and avoiding eye contact meant a test to see if she’ll still be her girlfriend, Zam would accept it regardless.

Two days prior, Redd came back from work seemingly annoyed, constantly repeating to herself of how much she hated everyone there. And oh, dear, at that time, Zam hoped she could make her a bit happy by perhaps killing those people. The thought was a bit unhealthy, but she wasn’t thinking straight at that time anyways. The blonde tried her best to cheer Redd up, but she seemed too angry to accept anything Zam offered, so she decided to put her dinner on the table and went back to bed.

The next morning, Zam found out she didn’t eat her dinner–which was understandable, but Zam didn’t want Redd to starve– she can’t let her live so painfully like that. Redd was still feeling down, it looked like it. So she went to cheer her up, calm those nerves again. She hugged her tight so Redd would acknowledge that she loved her. Just as her hope was building up, Redd pushed her away, lightly, yet it felt like a stab to her heart. Redd told her to eat her meal, and that she didn’t feel hungry. But Zam knew that was a lie. She could very much tell how she was probably gonna die of starvation next month if she kept refusing food.

That night, Zam asked her, full of genuine curiosity and the need to hear it from Redd herself, “Do you really love me?” Redd gazed at her, and yet again she couldn’t tell if she was getting mad or if she’s about to kiss her on the lips. Zam just waited, like a puppy waiting for its owner to come home, she stood there in front of the television, the loud noise coming from it muffled from the thick air between them. After a moment, Redd leaps off from the couch, still keeping her eyes on Zam as she walks closer. She was ready, ready for anything, whether a punch or a kiss, she didn’t care. If it’s Redd doing those stuff to her, then it's fine. Then Redd wrapped her arms around her, the fabric of Zam’s clothes quickly getting wet as she began tearing up, sobbing, crying on her shoulders.

She murmured soft, caring whispers, telling her that it’ll be fine, gently patting her back and making sure Redd feels comfortable in this state. As time passed, Redd mutters under her breath, low enough so only Zam could hear, “I wish I could destroy you. To show my love.” Zam glanced down towards the redhead, amused by the words that left her mouth. And soon came a realization– Zam loved her unconditionally, so much until she would do anything, until she was weaker than before, always attempting to look perfect, just for Redd. But perfection and beauty wasn’t her desire, instead, she wanted something broken, flawed, someone that Redd could poke lightly and make it fall to the ground, breaking into thousand smaller pieces.

Maybe she wanted that. And Zam could give her that, surely. Redd could easily break her, and she’ll still repeat the same three words to her, the same ‘i love you’, over and over again, until her throat bleeds.

“You can do that anytime you want, sweetheart.” Zam finally responded. She wrapped her arms around her waist, a soft smile stretched across her face. Redd tugged her hair and kissed the crook of her neck. She kept Zam close to her, holding her like a valuable item, never ever letting go. And she loved that. She loved being in this state, especially with her girlfriend. If that was what it had to take for Redd to heal, to be happy, Zam would gladly die for her.

It’s only been minutes, yet it felt like they’ve been standing here for days. Redd loosened her grip on her body, pulling away and pushing her aside. She looked down at the ground, almost as if she’s guilty, but also proud at the same time. But Zam thinks she didn’t need to be guilty. Of course she does.

Redd wipes her tear-filled face, ending up with a wet sleeve instead. Though she didn’t give it much thought, instead she cursed under her breath, hesitantly gave a small kiss at her cheek, then just… walked off. She simply walked off to their bedroom. Zam stood still at the same spot, and the noises coming from the television started to get clearer. Though she didn't give a single care about it anyways.

Zam sighed deeply to herself, slowly lowering down herself to sit on the carpet below. It happens. Tonight's a bit different, but no matter how insane and risky it'll be in the future, Redd would come back to her senses and be the innocent, outgoing soul she was before a spiral.

She knows. Zam knows. Because she loved her dearly.

Chapter Text

It's raining outside, from the looks of it.

Zam squinted her eyes at the clock just above the television. It’s currently three in the morning. She can’t sleep, for some reason, so she had stepped off her bedroom to perhaps take a walk. But from how heavy the rain was pouring from outside, it seems like Zam doesn’t have the chance to do it. She sighed quietly, going over to the kitchen and opening the fridge. There were a few drinks, some eggs, and an unfinished chocolate bar. Reddoons probably didn’t like the taste, since she’ll usually finish all chocolate bars bought within an hour. She took the chocolate bar out of the fridge, closing it after. She sat on the couch and nibbled at the bar slowly. Zam could admit, it was pretty bad– it’s like it was about to expire. Maybe that’s why Redd didn’t finish it.

A few minutes passed by, and she finally managed to eat it all. Her throat was swollen by the gross taste. What is in this chocolate, really? It makes her want to vomit. But at least she wouldn’t have to deal with a fridge smelling like disgusting expired chocolate again. She quickly threw out the plastic in a trash can, and, well, she also noticed that the trash was full. Usually Redd would be the one throwing the trash out, but this time she didn’t– probably too stressed to do so. It’s fine, Zam could do it. Zam could do all the chores Redd couldn’t, after all, she didn’t want that poor lady to get tired or hurt.

Zam carefully took the plastic out, wrapping it neatly while trying her best to ignore the bad smell. There was a combination of rotten food, and fresh bloody tissues. It wasn’t the first time she had to take the trash out, and surprisingly, it was easier than when she had to do it in her old family house. The dumpster wasn’t that far away either, so she wouldn’t have to deal with overly wet clothes.

Upon entering the house, she noticed how eerily the atmosphere was. It was probably due to it being three in the morning, along with the rain outside– but she remembered clearly, that in times like this, the apartment doesn’t look this moody. It was too dark to move too quickly. The couch is somehow dirty, along with the table in front of it. Redd really was not in the mood, then. Zam scratched her head, accidentally getting her finger stuck in a knot of golden locks. She groaned in annoyance after eventually getting it out.

Zam honestly doesn’t know what else she could do. She can’t sleep, she doesn’t have the energy to clean stuff up, she doesn’t want to eat… it was a difficult situation to be in. There's just nothing she could do but be in her own thoughts. The blonde entered the bedroom back, laying right beside Redd at the same spot. Redd was still there, breathing, and off to dreamland. Her hair droops on her face, covering her closed eyes. Even in her sleep, her girlfriend looked pretty. Even with that pale, upset face– to Zam, she looked like a sleeping beauty.

She turned her head towards the window, watching as raindrops filled the dark view outside. It always rains at night around this city, and Zam never liked getting her shoes soaked with water whenever she goes outside after a heavy rain. Zam doesn’t even know if it’s gonna be spring or summer soon. She always kept track of the weather and upcoming seasons. No idea why that habit stopped out of nowhere.

Her hands reach out to the drawer next to the bed, taking her phone steadily and turning the brightness up. She should check her message inbox, she hasn’t checked those for days now.

There was nothing interesting, just a hundred or more messages from a group chat and a bunch of weird scams. What kind of illegal virus did Zam download for those to come out of nowhere? She bit one of her nails, staring at the bright screen for a short while. She sees a singular contact status turn online, and she tenses up—

It’s just Ash.

Zam wanted to leave the app for a moment, but then came a thought. Why would Ash be online in the middle of the night? Three in the morning? Ash should be sleeping right now. Zam zoned out for a bit, lost in her deep thoughts, before her phone vibrated. That’s Ash, definitely. She clicked the message, and— there displayed a short text.

‘𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘳 𝘶 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘬𝘦?’

She typed out a reply.

‘𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯𝘵 𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱, 𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘢 𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰𝘰’

After a few seconds, Ash replied again.

‘𝘏𝘰𝘸'𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘥?’

Her eyes promptly roll at the message. Not sure why.

‘𝘣𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘸 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬, 𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘴 𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘳𝘯’

…

‘𝘐𝘴 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘬 𝘸 𝘶?’

Zam tilted her head, confused with the question Ash had asked.

‘𝘖𝘧𝘤 𝘰𝘧𝘤, 𝘸𝘩𝘺?’

Silence.

‘𝘐𝘥𝘬… 𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘭𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩’
‘𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘵 𝘶’

…
‘𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘮 𝘨𝘭𝘢𝘥 𝘶𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺 𝘸 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘻𝘢𝘮’

Her eyes glance down onto the redhead below. She’s still sleeping peacefully, with no signs of waking up.
Ash was kind of right, though— Redd was a difficult girl to deal with. Zam always thought she’ll understand her one day, but the day never comes. But she still loved her with all her heart, so it’s not that much of a bother to Zam.

The phone vibrates again, indicating a new message again. Still from Ash.

‘𝘉𝘵𝘸 𝘬 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘪𝘧 𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘬 𝘨𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳’
‘𝘚𝘰 𝘪 𝘨𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘐 𝘨𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘢 𝘢𝘴𝘬 𝘶 𝘢𝘣𝘵 𝘪𝘵’

Right. So the chocolate was a gift from K. Looking from how little the chocolate was left eaten when Zam saw it in the fridge minutes ago, then that probably meant Redd didn’t like it. Plus, Zam also felt icky eating the chocolate bar. Disgusted, even.

‘𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘪 𝘴𝘢𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘥𝘨𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘸 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘣𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘴𝘰’
‘𝘐𝘨 𝘯𝘰𝘵’
‘𝘪 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘦𝘸𝘸𝘸’

‘𝘜𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 . 𝘬 𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘢𝘥 𝘢𝘵 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘧𝘰𝘰𝘥’

She chuckled quietly. K was definitely not the right person to choose food. But having K give that stupid chocolate to Redd was a little offending. K really thought Redd would enjoy it. She checked the time on her phone. It’s 4AM right now. Her eyes hurt from looking at the bright screen. Maybe it’s time to try to sleep again.

‘𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘢 𝘨𝘰 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱. 𝘎𝘯 𝘢𝘴𝘩’

Zam puts her phone down back on the drawer, not bothering to see if the other had replied or not. She rubbed her eyes, shifting her position to lay down on the mattress properly. Zam turns her body to face Redd. A small, barely noticeable trail of saliva drools from her mouth. Usually she would find those disgusting, but Redd’s sleeping face was way too cute for her to focus on anything else. Zam traced her fingers against the other’s face, down to her shoulder. She wanted to hug her, but then it means she’ll probably wake up from the sudden movements.

After a while, she finally closed her eyes, her hands sliding off from Redd’s shoulders. And then, she finally drifts off to sleep, somehow able to push her loud thoughts away.

Chapter Text

When her eyes opened, she was in a completely different land.

Zam slowly sits up from the ground below her, and her eyes dart towards her surroundings. She's in the middle of a massive, almost endless flower field, mainly with nightshades. Zam's eyes moved towards the sky, and her hands raised by itself to cover the bright sun from blinding her eyes. The blonde was clueless, with little to no knowledge on what to do. She woke up in a flower field, and all she could see was flowers everywhere, and no exit. Zam got up to her feet, wiping the dirt off her clothes as she observed her surroundings again.

She looked into the horizon, where the sun shines the most– and from afar, barely noticeable amongst the fog, Zam could see a familiar girl, a girl she loved wholeheartedly. Redd stood at that distance, turning to the direction Zam was in, and they made eye contact. With little to no hesitation, she quickly ran towards her as fast as she could, making sure Redd didn't vanish before she could reach her. Surprisingly, Zam was fast enough to go that far in a quick speed, and reached Redd.

Her first instinct was to observe her face, admiring the eyes that’s barely visible beneath her shades. After a moment, Zam drew her closer, wrapping her arms around Redd’s body in a soft hug. Redd doesn’t return the action, instead the girl stood perfectly still, possibly too zoned out to process what was going on.

The dream always went like that. Zam would wake up in the middle of nowhere, and Redd would be standing from a distance. And somehow, every single time it happened, no matter what place the dream takes in, Zam’s first instinct was to run towards her and pull Redd into a hug, as if letting her stay alone would destroy everything. Redd never gave any sort of reaction that she wished for, though if she tried hard enough, Zam could control the dreamland and make Redd return the love she wanted.

Zam’s ears started to ring, and her body began to feel weak. Usually it would go on longer, she would’ve had enough time to talk to Redd. But this time she just… can’t. Frustrating. Her heart raced faster as her limbs grew weaker— she wasn’t ready. Not yet. Even when she had already done this so many times in the past, Zam wasn’t ready to let go just yet. This was too short. Too quick. She didn’t get much time to say anything to Redd— it was unfair, way too unfair–

Redd pulls away slowly, and her body falls limp to the grass below.

In a blink, Zam’s back in their bedroom.

She stared into the ceiling, her thoughts taking over her entire brain almost instantly. The curtains that were hung over their windows were opened wide, revealing the outside world. Zam definitely overslept until afternoon, from the looks of it. Zam pushes herself off the mattress, getting up to her feet as she finally processed reality. Redd was definitely off to work, which was pretty disappointing, since she didn’t get the chance to look at her face this morning. Zam sighed heavily, making her way outside into the kitchen.

When Zam checked the fridge, there was surprisingly something new that she hadn't seen before. A singular piece of cheesecake, placed on a small plate enough to fit in the fridge, along with a sticky note placed near the cake. She raised a brow curiously, taking the plate out the fridge and closing it right after. She puts the plate down the nearest counter, and picks up the note.

It reads,
‘Off to work as usual, but the boss let me enter late since there was something wrong going on in the building. Bought this for you. Bye babe. :)’

Zam turned her attention towards her surroundings. Unlike yesterday night, the house was clean, and no longer moody. The table near the couch was tidy, and the stains on the cushions were slightly gone. She smiled. Maybe Redd was finally feeling a bit better. That calmed her nerves down a bit, at least. She combed through her hair for a bit, then reached for a fork and a spoon. She dug in.

The cheesecake wasn’t that bad, after all. It was sweet, creamy, and… well. It’s just how cheesecake would taste. Zam always preferred chocolate cakes, but then again, the bakery probably ran out of it. Plus, if Redd was happy enough to buy her a cheesecake, Zam would gladly dig in no matter what. Zam couldn’t wait to see that cheerful, delighted expression on Redd’s face when she comes home. She really can’t wait to hear her talk gleefully about her day, her new hobby, and how much she loved Zam.

Zam finished the cake. After cleaning the plate, she sat down on the couch. For some reason, even when Zam put her phone on the bedside drawer last night, her phone was placed on the couch table. Which was pretty strange, maybe Redd just decided to move it over here, perhaps to prevent Zam from seeing a bright screen as soon as she was awake. The thought thrilled her. Zam hesitantly picked the phone up, immediately checking her inbox as soon as she opened it.

A new message from Ash. though it was hours ago, and was just a response to her message last night. Just a small ‘goodnight’. More from the group chat, and then—

K. it’s K. Which is weird, it’s unusual for K to message first.

‘𝘡𝘢𝘮 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘪 𝘢𝘴𝘬 𝘶 𝘢 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯’

…This was sent 4 hours ago. She was sleeping. And K is apparently still online. She bit her nails, suspicions growing onto her as she cautiously types out a response.

‘𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘰 𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥, 𝘬?’

Unexpectedly, K was typing fast enough to reply in under ten seconds. (Unusual from K. She is a slow typer.)

‘𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘶𝘳 𝘨𝘧 𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘴 𝘥𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶’
‘𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰 𝘻𝘢𝘮’

Her body tensed up. It’s always about Reddoons with both Ash and K. Can’t they tell that Zam’s obviously too in love to care? Zam cherished Redd no matter what. Always faced the episodes she’d go through when she’s mad. Always took care of her. And never, ever, ever doubted her. Maybe she was insane, but right now she didn’t want to care. Not just yet.

‘𝘪 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘥𝘥𝘰𝘰𝘯𝘴. 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘴𝘬 𝘮𝘦 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘭𝘴’

Send.

‘𝘖𝘬 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘻𝘢𝘮. 𝘌𝘳𝘮𝘮 𝘨𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘨𝘰 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘣𝘺𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘥𝘢𝘺’

Zam puts her phone down instantly, scratching at her dry itchy skin. She should go buy some sort of moisturizer for this, since her old one ran out pretty fast. She didn’t want to deal with dry skin. What kind of moisturizer would Redd like? Maybe a really expensive brand. She likes expensive stuff. That’s why Zam has been saving up money (and stealing some from Ash’s closet) to buy her a necklace. Or, if she doesn’t like those fancy stuff– does that mean Zam can buy her a plushie instead?

A faint sigh escapes her lips. She really wanted to buy Redd something. Just to cheer her up. For her to get reminded of Zam whenever she looks at the stuff Zam bought her. Redd deserves it, after all.

She just needed to wait until she came home. Ask her what she would want in the future.

Zam switched on the television.