Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Stanley had an issue. A big issue. And he told Richie so with a sigh and a dramatic flop back onto his bed.

“What's wrong, man? You're looking grumpy. More than usual, I mean.” Stan flipped him off, but Richie could tell that it wasn’t as aggressive as he typically was.

“It’s Bill.” Richie frowned.

“You broke up?” Stan shook his head fervently, blonde curls bouncing.

“Nope.” Richie raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue.

“What else could’ve happened between you and your lover to make you so sullen?” Ritchie asked, standing up and circling the room as if looking for clues. He turned back with a dramatic gasp.

“You’re pregnant!” Stanley frowned, clearly unamused.

“No? Then…” another gasp. “He’s pregnant!”

“What! No! We both have dicks!” Richie smirked.

“Sorry, sometimes I forget because they're so small compared to mine,” he said, shrugging. Stan scowled.

“You’ve never seen my dick, asshole.”

Ritchie shrugged, face softening as he looked at the other boy.

“Okay, so what's wrong? If neither of you is pregnant and you haven't broken up, what's the issue?” Stan’s frown got even deeper.

“Not every relationship issue is because of breaking up or pregnancy, Richie. Although I guess you wouldn't know that, considering you’ve never been in one.” Richie didn't snap back like he normally would, waiting patiently for Stan's answer. When he didn't respond, Richie flopped back onto Stan’s comforter beside him.

“Come on, dude, you know you can tell me anything.” Stan sighed, and Richie felt a pang of guilt, until Stan flopped back beside him on the bed and joined him in staring at the paint-chipped ceiling.

“My dad caught us.” Richie gestured for him to continue. “And he got pissed. He kicked Bill out and started yelling at me and- well, long story short, now I’m only allowed to date if Eddie does.” Stan finished glumly.

Richie choked in surprise. “Eddie as in-”

“My stepbrother, yeah.” Richie started to laugh, smacking his knee in mirth, face flushing.

“Eddie’s never going to date someone! I mean, look at him!” he crowed, cackling.

“Yeah, idiot, that's the point.” Richie cackled even harder at the thought of Eddie Kaspbrak, the hypochondriac, constantly anxious, short-tempered stepbrother of Stan, dating anyone.

“It’s not funny, asshole! Now Bill can't come within a 3-mile radius of my house without my dad spraying him with the hose!” Richie snorted. Stanley glumly rolled off the bed and onto his slightly ratty rug.

“I can only see him at school now.” Stan sighed glumly.

“Go over to his house!” Richie suggested, searching for loopholes.

“I’m also not allowed over there, not since Georgie caught us-”

“O-okay!” Richie interrupted, not exactly wanting him to continue that sentence.

“And it's not like we can exactly do shit at school, not with Hocksetter and his goons.” Richie nodded, knowing all too well what he meant. Unpleasant images filled his mind of the group of bullies- they were bad enough to Richie, calling him slurs and such, but if they realised an actual gay couple went to the school?” They'd have a field day.

“It's okay, man, I'm sure Eddie will date someone eventually,” Richie consoled, trying not to laugh at the image of Eddie in his short-shorts with his fanny pack and inhaler, dating someone.

“Yeah, maybe in like… 27 years!”

Richie smirked, then stood up, stretching slightly.

“Thanks for the talk, Stan the Man. Hate to cut this short, but unfortunately, me and your mother have a date.” Stan kicked him from where he was lying on the ground. Richie laughed.

“No, but seriously, I gotta go. I promised my dad I’d help him with something.”

Stan groaned, standing up slowly.

“I’ll walk you out. Wouldn't want you to run into my dad or Sonia by yourself.

“Oh, trust me… I’ll be running into Sonia", Richie smirked, opening the door.

“What does that even mean!” Stan shouted in pursuit after him.

Richie walked through the house, tracing the familiar path to the door, until he smashed directly into someone.

“Oh, shit, sorry! Didn't see ya down there-” Richie trailed off as he looked down and realised the boy he had just slammed into was none other than Eddie Kaspbrak himself.

“Whatever. Watch where you’re going, asshole!" seethed the brown haired boy, face turning red.

“My bad, you see, I was actually in a rush to get to your mother- we have a date, you see-” Without a word, Eddie shoved past him and Stan, starting up the stairs. Richie stood frozen in place. There was a sound of a door aggressively slamming. Stan turned to Richie.

“Him? Date someone? I'm going to be single forever!”

Richie smirked, already halfway out the front door.

“We’ll see about that!”

—

Biking home, Richie thought about Stan's predicament. He felt awful for him- no way Eddie was ever going to date someone! Even if they tried, and who wouldn't try?

Eddie was awfully cute, after all, even when he was yelling at Richie, which happened surprisingly often despite them hardly ever seeing each other. It was sort of cute after all, the way his freckled face would turn bright red from exertion, his voice going higher in pitch as he shouted, his smile-

Richie's bike swerved, and he smashed straight into the hot pavement, swearing.

Eddie was sort of cute, in a strange way. He decided, getting up.

He also decided he was going to help Stan get his dating ban lifted.

Chapter Text

Monday. Same as every other Monday for Eddie. Which was to say, awful. He walked into the school, avoiding Hocksetter and his goons, and headed to his locker. He frowned when he saw someone already there, leaning against the red metal door.

“Would you mind?” he snapped, trying to reach for the lock. “I don't want to be late-”

“There’s ten minutes until class,” responded the person. Eddie looked up and scowled. Of course, it was Richie.

“ Move, asshole, before I make you,”

Richie raised an eyebrow.

“I don't think you could do that,” he smirked, clearly trying to provoke Eddie. Eddie scowled at the taller boy.

Move.”

“No please?” Eddie screamed internally.

“Please move, asshole.”

“I think I'm good."Eddie's eye twitched. He reached for his inhaler, about to bring it to his lips, when Richie reached out and grabbed it from him.

“What’s this?” he asked, examining it. “An inhaler? I guess you could say I… took your breath away! Get it? Cause you use an inhaler to breathe!”

“Asthma is a life-threatening illness! Do you want to be the reason I die?” Eddie seethed, trying to grab it from the taller boy.

Richie eventually relented, handing Eddie his inhaler back.

Eddie all but yanked it from his hand, glowering at Richie.

“What will it take for you to move?” he asked, sighing. Maybe if he gave him his money or homework answers or something, he would leave. Richie grinned, reaching up to adjust his glasses.

“How about a date?” Eddie blinked, waiting for him to finish his sentence with ‘with your mother’, but it never came. After nearly twenty seconds of staring blankly at him, waiting for the punchline, he concluded it wasn’t coming.

And Richie… he just stood there. Stupidly smirking in his stupid Hawaiian shirt. So Eddie made the logical next move.

There was a girlish shriek, a curse and a moan of pain, and they were both on the ground.

“I told you I'd make you move,” Eddie huffed, trying to hide his satisfaction as he stood up and finally, finally unlocking his locker. Richie lay on the ground, apparently stunned, his face slowly coloring red. Eddie kicked him gently.

“Move before someone steps on you, idiot," he snapped, before turning and marching into the sea of students, navigating his way to his first class. He had bigger issues than his stepbrother's obnoxious friend.

–

“Seriously, what is his problem?” Eddie complained later that afternoon, pulling out his chair to sit down at his lunch table. Bev shrugged, disinterested.

“I dunno. Maybe he likes you.” Eddie laughed, no humour behind it.

“Yeah, right, I bet Stan is getting him to fuck with me.” Eddie was going to have a talk with his stepbrother later about his obnoxious best friend. He stabbed his broccoli, imagining it was the other boy.

“Hey, guys! What's up?” Bev waved at Ben, who smiled shyly at her before sitting down next to her. Eddie didn't acknowledge his presence, still stabbing his broccoli viciously. Ben sent a questioning look to Bev, who rolled her eyes.

“Richie,” she sighed. Ben nodded, concern gone from his face and replaced with amusement.

“What’d he say this time?”

Eddie’s face flushed as he suddenly snapped back to reality, just to take part in one of life's greatest pleasures in his opinion- shit talking Richie Tozier.

“Get this! I was going to my locker, right? And this motherfucker is just- just standing there! And I tried to get him to move, but he wouldn't! And he took my inhaler! And- and I asked him what would make him move, and he said a date!” Eddie practically shrieked the last part, face going red with rage. He glanced at Ben, awaiting his thoughts. To his surprise, Ben didn’t say anything. Instead, he stared past Eddie as though he had just seen a ghost. Eddie turned slowly, dread filling his stomach as he became aware that a certain someone had been standing behind him, perhaps for the whole conversation.

“You wounded me, Eddie spaghetti,” crooned Richie, dropping himself into the seat next to Eddie, who tried to scoot his chair away. “I mean, you turn me down, beat me up,and shit talk me to your friends? Ouch.”

“I didn’t beat you up! I hardly pushed you!” Eddie said, face beet red.

“Aww, you’re blushing! How cute! You know, it's not too late to agree to that da-” Eddie stood up so quickly his chair fell to the ground.

“Leave me alone, idiot!” he snapped, before turning on his heel and sprinting out of the lunch room, pretending he couldn't hear Bev giggling quietly.

—

On the walk home from school, Eddie was absolutely seething. He all but sprinted the last two blocks, intent on finding Stan and giving him a stern talking to about his best friend's antics.

“Stanley!” he shrieked upon entering his house.

“Eddie, please, no shouting in the house, sighed Donald. “You know it upsets your mother.”

“Sorry!” Eddie shouted, already halfway up the stairs. He heard his stepfather sigh and rolled his eyes before knocking once on Stanley's door. No response. He knocked again, slightly louder. No response again. He flung open the door, thoroughly fed up.

Stanley shrieked, nearly falling off his bed. Bill from beside him also shrieked. Eddie scowled, mood worsening by the second.

“Eddie, close the door! Stan gasped, clutching his chest. Eddie obeyed, not exactly desiring to know what would happen if their parents caught Bill with Stan.

“You’re not supposed to be here,” Eddie said, turning to Bill and crossing his arms. Bill's face flushed.

“Don't tell Sonia or my dad,” Stan begged, glancing at his stepbrother. Eddie scowled.

“The dating ban-"

“The dating ban is stupid!” Stan said agitatedly, running his hands through his curls. “No offence, Eddie, but we all know you’re never gonna date someone. And I don't plan on being single for my whole life.” Eddie frowned, insulted, before suddenly remembering why he had barged in on his stepbrother in the first place.

“Tell Richie to leave me alone.” Stan frowned.

“What?”

“Tell him to leave me the fuck alone!” Eddie repeated, getting agitated.

“What’s he doing to you?” Stan asked, frown deepening.

“I don't know! He keeps fucking bothering me!”

“T-thats just how r-richie is,” Bill said, shrugging.

Eddie scowled even more.

“I don't care! He's obnoxious! And he’s loud, and he’s inappropriate, and-” Bill and Stan were looking at each other with raised eyebrows. Eddie scowled.

“I'm being serious, Stanley! Get him to leave me alone!” Stan rolled his eyes.

“Tell him yourself! Why do I have to do it?” Eddie scowled deeper.

“'Cause you’re friends with him!” Stan stared at him, unimpressed. “Fine. You tell him to knock it off, or I'll tell our parents that you're still seeing Bill!” Bill winced, sinking further back into Stan's bed.

“D-dont bring me into this!”

Stan sighed.

“If Richie really bothers you that much…”

“He does,"Eddie confirmed, nodding vigorously.

“Fine. I'll talk to him tomorrow. Don't blame me if nothing changes, though.” Eddie beamed at his stepbrother.

“Thank you, Stan!” he cheered, already halfway out of the other boys' room.

“Close the door!” Stanley shouted from behind him. Eddie obeyed, still smiling, already thinking about how enjoyable his life would be after tomorrow with no Richie constantly bothering him.

Chapter Text

“You need to stop bothering Eddie," Stanley sighed the second he saw Richie at his locker the next day. Richie frowned.

“What?”

“Stop bothering him.” Richie raised an eyebrow, looking at his friend in bewilderment.

“I haven’t been bothering him!” Stan scowled.

“Eddie would say otherwise.” Richie winced, knowing there was no way to hide what he had been doing now.

“He talked to you?”

“Yes! He barged in on Bill and me, and threatened to blackmail me if I didn’t get you to stop!”

“Jealous, he interrupted your private fun time?” Richie said, grinning at the blonde boy.

“Ew, Richie! That's gross!” Stan shoved him gently, rolling his eyes. “What’s gotten into you anyway? Why are you so interested in Eddie all of a sudden?” Richie smirked. He figured it was the perfect time to reveal his plan to Stan. Then he couldn't be mad at him, right? After all, Richie was just trying to help him!

“I’m going to help you get your dating ban lifted,” he began, waving his hands. “You see, Stanley, all of my nagging of Eddie is simply to help you!” Stan blinked for a moment, staring at the taller boy blankly. Then, realisation dawned over his face, and he smacked Richie's arm.

“Richie, you idiot!” Richie frowned, rubbing where he had gotten hit, stung.

“What?”

“That’s an awful fucking idea!” Stan said, rolling his eyes.

“No, it's not! Geez, Stanley, I try to help you, and this is the thanks I get?” stans eyebrows creased in irritation.

“There is genuinely no way in hell you think Eddie is going to fucking date you!” Richie scowled.

“Why not?” stan sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose in irritation. Just then, Bill appeared behind the two boys, clutching his backpack.

“H-hey g-guys! What's up?” he slung an arm around Stanley's shoulders, pouting when he lightly shoved him off.

“Richie. Tell Bill your plan. Bill, please tell Richie he’s being an idiot.”

Richie pouted. “Stanley, I'm hurt! All I want to do is help your love life?”

“He’s trying to get Eddie to date him,” Stan said, turning to Bill, irritation in his eyes. Bill burst into laughter, covering his mouth with his hands.

“Oh m-my god,” he wheezed, looking to Richie in disbelief. “Y-you like him,” Richie coughed awkwardly, finally turning to his locker to get his things, needing something to do with his hands.

“That's nonsense, Bill! I’m only trying to help you guys!” Bill laughed even harder. Stan crossed his arms, rolling his eyes at both of them.

“I’m going to class. Richie, for my sake, please, please leave Eddie alone. And with that, the blonde boy was gone, disappearing into the throng of students. Bill leaned against the locker next to Richie's, observing him with his blue eyes.

“You k-know, Richie,” he began slowly. “I think it’s very noble what you're trying to do… helping stan like that.” Richie frowned.

“Really?”

“N-no,” Bill said, rolling his eyes affectionately. “It’s very obvious you’re only doing it because you like Eddie." Richie flushed red, opening his mouth to dispute Bill, but before he could, Bill continued.

“I-if you want my advice? You need to be normal around him. Be nice to him. F-flirt normally.” Richie laughed, shutting his locker with a bang.

“What type of advice is that?” Bill raised an eyebrow.

“The a-advice someone with a boyfriend is giving you. I promise, the way Stan and I started dating wasn’t by me pissing him off.”

“That’s you and Stan, though,” Richie said, the two boys starting down the hallway to class. “I don't know if I exactly want you two specimens to give me dating advice.”

Thanks,” Bill said sarcastically.

“Anytime, Billiam.” Bill rolled his eyes, stopping in front of his classroom. He shrugged.

“Who knows? Maybe Eddie likes tall, obnoxious glasses-wearing freaks. Just be yourself, man.”

“That goes directly against what you just said!” Richie said, frowning. Bill shrugged, giving Richie a final grin, before opening the classroom door and slamming it shut behind him.

—

Richie did not leave Eddie alone. In fact, he did nearly the opposite.

The second the bell rang for lunch, he positively sprinted to the lunch room, dropping himself into the seat at Eddie's table that he had sat at yesterday. He smirked to himself as he imagined the horror on Eddie's face when he saw him there. To his surprise, Eddie didn't show up immediately.

Instead, Bev appeared nearly two minutes after Richie did. She smiled at him, pulling out the chair next to him.

“Well, well, well, Tozier. What a surprise.”

Richie smirked back at her, raising a hand in greeting. “So tell me,” she continued, picking up her fork and twirling it.

“What are your intentions with sweet little Eddie?”

“Not anything compared to my intentions with his mother.”

Richie winced as he felt a sharp sting on his head. He turned, trying to look for the source of it.

“Leave my mother alone!” Eddie scowled, sitting himself down into the seat the furthest away from Richie, which also happened to be directly across from him. Richie winked at him, and Eddie ignored it.

“Jealous of her? It's okay, Eds, she could never replace you!” Eddie didn't respond; instead, he spoke to Bev.

“Where’s Ben today?” she shrugged, clearly not trying to get between him and Richie, who were staring at each other very intensely.

“I told Stan to tell you to stop bothering me,” Eddie said to Richie, shooting daggers at him with his eyes. Richie shrugged, smirking.

“Even he couldn't keep me away from ya, baby!” Eddie froze for a moment, face turning red, before hastily looking away.

“Fuck off,” he mumbled, kicking Richie under the table. Richie heard a snort from beside him and turned, realising Bev was trying to conceal her laughter.

“Eds,” he said, turning back to Eddie, who kicked him again.

“Don't fucking call me that,” Eddie muttered.

“Eds, don't threaten Stan and Bill. It's not their fault I'm an obnoxious dickhead.” Richie said, noting with satisfaction that Eddie's face got even redder when he called him Eds again.

“At least you’re self-aware,” he said, rolling his eyes. Richie pouted.

“That's not what your mother said last night!” Eddie's face turned even redder.

“Stop talking about my mother!”

“But Sonia's so hot!” Richie cooed, leaning back in his chair. “I guess that's where you get it from, huh, Eds?”

He began to laugh internally at how outraged Eddie looked, sputtering and swearing at him.

Yeah, he decided with satisfaction. He would certainly not be leaving Eddie alone, at least not until stans ban was lifted.