Chapter Text
Chapter One: Shape of my heart
A shimmer of sweat covered his body as it writhed beneath the light sheets. The dreams had never been pleasant. Rarely could they even be called dreams. Nightmares full of pain and blood and a heavy sense of responsibility that made him wonder whether he was really awake to gather the energy for sleep and not the other way around.
He never woke up with a scream, rarely even moved when he came to. Just his eyes shot open, his breathing heavy as he tried to search the darkness for the monsters of his dreams. Dreams of a dystopian world with little to no chance of survival, him being the leader of a group of bright and always way too young soldiers. Most of the time though, he didn't even manage to memorize their faces before they fell as pawns by his hands and his decisions.
The dreams felt so real that he had trouble separating them from real life. Didn't know whether he woke up in his house or a barrack. Today neither was the case. With shaking hands Erwin Smith searched the side of the bed for a light switch. In the barracks his hands never shook. In his house he needn't search for the light switch. Since he started having these nightmares, he found that sleeping with a night-light eased his experience of waking up. It helped him realize that the shadows were not looming over him, threatening to devour him like the creatures from his dreams.
The light was too bright for him to see, when he finally found the switch. It illuminated the whole room, but he was forced to shield his eyes and wait for them to adjust. Deep breaths. In. Hold. Out. Again. Saying that Erwin Smith was paranoid was an understatement. A panic attack was almost unavoidable if any of his senses was left useless. He could not even rely on alcohol to take his worries, fearing that it would render him incapable of battle. Though he did not even know who he would battle against.
He peeled back the drenched covers that were, thankfully, only drenched in sweat. It would be embarrassing to leave it to the hotel staff had it been drenched in, well... It wasn't though. His tenth night in a row. Must be a new record.
The clock on his bedside table read 5.30 am, at home he would have slept better. With a groan Erwin lifted himself from his bed and went to the bathroom to take a shower, turning on every light in the rather large hotel room. Maybe he should schedule an appointment with his therapist. His paranoia was getting a bit worse, but it always was when his dreams took him onto the bloody battlefield. His right arm was beginning to hurt again as well. Psychosomatic, apparently. But the medication they'd given him didn't help much.
He locked the bathroom door, even though nobody shared the room with him and the cleaning staff wouldn't come by for another few hours. He also couldn't draw the shower curtain. He would start shivering at the slightest feeling of vulnerability. At home, his shower was behind glass, in a large bathroom and an at least familiar environment.
His shower didn't last much longer than a few minutes, the shampoo hastily spread over his hair and scrubbed out. He couldn't wait for the water to warm up, but his body didn't only shiver from the cold as he scrubbed at his right arm and abdomen. He wasn't seeing blood. He wasn't bleeding. You're not bleeding. You're alive. You're not bleeding. You're alive. You're not bleeding. You're alive.
He had a conference in a few hours. His hair was towel dried – the noise of a blow drier made him wary, too loud, too loud - and neatly combed back. He couldn't part it. Otherwise he would find himself looking for the familiar uniform and the dreaded bolo tie.
He turned the TV on in the background to put his mind at ease. Just a random channel, with a lot of talking and preferably no shouting. It got better over the day, the more time he put between him and his nightmares from the previous night, the better he felt. The more he felt like the leader of a company that everyone looked up to, rather than the leader of an army that everyone despised.
One documentary about the birds of paradise later he found himself dressed in a suit, the shadows under his eyes concealed with a bit of make-up, his hands playing with the key card to his hotel room to hide the slight tremor that likely wouldn't go away for a couple more hours.
Erwin was the first at the breakfast hall. A young woman of the hotel staff smiled at him as she set up a tray with freshly cut fruit. He smiled back, walking over to her. Conversation helped, that's what his therapist helped him figure out. Getting his mind off of things was always good. And a handsome businessman in his early thirties needs nothing more than a charming smile to start a pleasant conversation.
The girl was a little young and shy, but Erwin found her blushing endearing. Unfortunately she did have to work, so he was left to sit alone at his table. He had no colleagues he could wait for. As the head of the company he had come on his own. The conference was initiated by a bigger chain of companies that would like to buy Erwin's business. Right now, they were trying to get him to sign a partnership agreement. Things looked quite good for Erwin's little company and he was well aware that it had the potential to grow monumentally in the close future, but he didn't disregard the possibility of selling it and turning to a different, more relaxed lifestyle. He just didn't want to be more... secluded... than he already was.
The young woman from the hotel staff poured him another glass of juice and with a little wink, slid a sheet of paper over to him. He took her number and put it in the inside pocket of his suit jacket, giving her a charming smile. Maybe he'd call her.
But he didn't end up calling her. He thought about it. During the meeting, when he considered selling instead of a partnership. He saw himself in a little house in the suburbs or maybe out on the country. He could have a few horses and maybe a wife and children. But he had tried that before, with other women. They never stayed long. Money and looks weren't enough to get love and he was too broken for somebody to stay with him out of solely material reasons. He should probably be ashamed that he was considering to spend his life with someone who only stayed with him for the amount in his bank account, but Erwin often found himself craving closeness. Not necessarily in a sexual way, but more as comfort. A one-night-stand often brought closeness, but lacked the comfort and sometimes he just wanted another person to share the bed with. He was scared of waking up next to them though. Ashamed of their reaction if they saw what a mess he was underneath his well kept facade.
So he doesn't end up calling her. And he also doesn't end up selling the company or signing the partnership agreement. He ends up walking the streets until late that night, contemplating to buy services from a woman at the corner. Contemplating only and it's not that he felt he should be too proud to do so, it was more that he didn't want another person to think ill of him.
After a long stroll through the still lively streets of the large town, Erwin came back to his hotel room at around half past two in the morning. He could go to the hotel bar, but he avoided alcohol and didn't feel like public self-pity. Instead he pulled a pillow from his bed and sat down on the floor in front of the TV. He tried hard to find something non-sexual this late on TV, that might still be interesting enough to keep him awake for the night. He had the feeling the next dream would be worse than the last one and would rather go through that at home in his own bed.
He settled on a Spanish childrens movie that ran this late at night out of some weird reason. Erwin didn't even speak Spanish, but he's rooting for the little dinosaur. Two documentaries, one romcom, lots of water and many bathroom visits and two large bags of chips later, because all-nighters make him really hungry, Erwin found himself on the balcony, watching the sunrise.
The morning coffee barely kept his eyes from falling shut, but it's only a few more hours until his plane takes off and then he only needs to stay awake until the chauffeur picks him up. He chose to spend his flight in the economy class. It's louder, less comfortable and so much harder to fall asleep there. Just his luck that he sat right next to the tired german woman and her toddler. The little boy cried during take off and though he would have liked to distract him, Erwin is scared that his mother might ask to be seated away from the tall, shady stranger he must be to her. People didn't usually approve of him. But when she fell asleep after half an hour of drawing with the child, Erwin found himself holding quiet conversations with the kid. Though most of his german vocabulary had to do with his work, he could still hold a simple conversation. It mostly consisted of him answering an endless string of „why“ questions, but he had always been a patient person.
„Wha's that?“
„That is a „no smoking“ signal.“
„Why?“
„So that people know they aren't allowed to smoke here.“
„Why?“
„Because there is no way to let out the smoke and it would get really smelly in here.“
„Why?“
„Because smoke doesn't smell good.“
„Why?“
„I don't know, it's just not a pleasant smell.“
„Why?“
„I don't know because I don't smoke.“
„Why?“
„Because I don't want to.“
„Why?“
„I don't like the taste.“
„Why?“
„Do you like broccoli?“
„No.“
„Well, it tastes like broccoli.“
„Oh. Ew.“
„I know.“
The stewardess smiled at him and politely asked whether he would like something to drink. He thought about ordering another coffee, but settled for water instead. The kid did a good job at keeping him occupied already.
„Here.“
The child pushed a drawing towards him. It's a small and coloured version of an abstract Masterpiece; a deformed metal construction appears to be caught in a storm of blue tornadoes that surround the entire paper in an energetic swirl. It must be capable of emotions, hence the smile and the wide eyes that lead to the assumption that it consumed some questionable and likely illegal substances. The holes torn in it's torso show grotesque visages, one with blue shining eyes and a yellow hat and the other with brown eyes and dark tendrils reaching out of its scalp. Both have an abnormally large mouth with straight rows of teeth they seem to bare at the viewer, their arm like appendages stretched out atop their heads in a threatening manner.
„Wow, that's really good! Both of us on this plane and that's you and that's me? Very well done. I especially like the detailing! You even took my eye colour into account!“
The boy grinned, showing all of his teeth, obviously proud of himself and his masterpiece. He shoved it onto Erwin's tray table.
„For me? Really?“ The boy nodded and Erwin carefully placed it back in front of him.
„You need to sign it first. I'll hang it up and then everyone will know it's your masterpiece and not mine. I don't want to hog all your credit.“ The boy nodded enthusiastically and wrote his name in all capital letters. It read „ FON DIETER VÜR“. The name stirred something inside Erwin, a flicker of pain shooting through his heart. The boy, Dieter, paused and looked up at Erwin expectantly.
„Für Erwin.“ he said carefully, making sure to pronounce every letter and hoping that the little crack in his voice went by unnoticed. The W looked more like two Us next to each other, but it just added to the charm. He thanked the boy, took out his notebook and placed the little artwork in between the pages to keep the paper straight.
He then proceeded to watch Tom and Jerry with the boy, listening to his commentary and finding his laughter to be contagious. When the boring adult shows started, the boy went back to colouring abstract things and making Erwin guess what they were. Erwin was surprisingly good and Dieter soon started to not actually draw things but just leave squiggles on the paper, waiting for Erwin to interpret them and giggling at the big words the man used.
Only about an hour before landing Dieter fell asleep though, and Erwin placed his pillow underneath the child's head. If he slept in that position, he would wake up with the worst backaches imaginable. But the child didn't remain in that position. No, after about half an hour of twisting and turning he ended up with his head against Erwin's chest and his legs in his mothers lap. His mother woke up and was about to apologize but Erwin waved her off with a smile and let the boy sleep and drool on his suit.
Dieter. It reminded him of... something.
The landing was a gift by the gods, since Erwin had found himself almost dosing off as well. Luckily he only had hand luggage with him and did not need to wait for his suitcase. He said good bye to Dieters mother and suppressed the urge to ruffle the boys hair. He was still asleep and Erwin neither wanted to wake him, nor give his mother a reason to be wary of him.
The black Mercedes with the tainted windows was only a few metres away, and his chauffeur stepped out and opened the door for him. „Welcome home, Mr. Smith.“, he said with a polite smile. He took Erwin's luggage and placed it in the trunk. Erwin, not wanting to fall asleep in the car either, used the last few possible minutes of socializing for the day.
„Herbert, how is your family? Your daughter and wife are both well I hope?“
„Yes, sir! She's going to University now. Studying law, I couldn't be more proud of her!“ Erwin had to smile at the enthusiasm in his voice. He also couldn't help the pinch of jealousy.
„Will she come visit you over thanksgiving?“
„Yes, sir! She's a marvellous cook so once I come home from work in the evening we'll have a large dinner.“
„Why don't you take the weekend off? I won't have anywhere to go and I'd rather have you spend the day with your family.“ A new wave of fatigue washed over him when he thought about the paperwork he'd likely do over the holidays. He had no one to spend them with and being productive was better than spending the day in front of the TV watching romantic comedies.
After Erwin assured him that it would be paid leave, Herbert thanked him in a slightly exaggerated manner. Erwin wasn't cheap with his employees and he made sure to reward those who worked especially well. Herbert had been his one and only chauffeur, with him since the bright days of his little company had started. Plus due to some former cases of nightmares in the car he knew about Erwin's... night-time incontinence and had not said a single word about it to anybody. He earned a little thank you every once in a while.
When Erwin was finally at his penthouse all he managed was to strip down to his boxers and fall asleep in his bed. This time wasn't bad. It really wasn't what he'd expected. Sometimes his dreams didn't start where they had finished the last night. Sometimes he found himself doing homework under the stern gaze of his father while the next night he was fighting on the battlefield, losing friends left and right.
Tonight he was sitting in a dark hall at a large table. A few other people he recognized around him. Erwin wasn't aware he was dreaming, of course. He was only aware of Hanji's eyes, glowing with excitement as they talked about their most recent experiments and theories. Levi eyeing them sceptically from the side, lifting a slim eyebrow while sipping on his tea in a way only he managed to. They both sat opposite Erwin, while Mike and Nanaba were at his right. He was drinking some form of alcohol that made him feel light-headed rather quickly and soon there was only laughter. Levi making a comment about Hanji's greasy hair, Mike sniffing it and confirming that it was due for a washing. Nanaba joking about Levi not taking care of his spouse. Levi giving her a death glare and everybody but Levi laughing to the point of tears. In the end there was even the ghost of a smile on Levis face.
Eleven. Eleven in a row. Maybe he was getting better. After a short moment of consideration Erwin decided against removing the 'special sheets' from his bed though. A lucky streak didn't mean it couldn't end any time soon.
But Erwin felt a little rested and had managed to sleep well into noon. He had taken the liberty of taking the morning off. It was his company after all. With soft classical music from some mixed CD he'd made to calm down playing in the background, he quickly found himself chopping away at all kinds of fruit in the large kitchen. Cooking was one of his passions and, well, maybe he should have become a cook instead of a businessman. Then he would have a reason as well as people to share his hobby with. But since he didn't have the time nor anybody to cook for, the kitchen was only seldom touched.
Fruit salad, an omelette and a large glass of fresh orange juice on the tray he situated himself at his kitchen table, foot tapping in tact to Frank Sinatra while he ate. Erwin took his time, wiggling his fork against his bowl, enjoying the sweetness of the strawberries on his tongue and letting his gaze wander to the large window wall. Maybe he'd do some work outside later. It looked like a lovely day.
He grabbed his tablet from the couch table and went to sip at his orange juice. He'd just missed the news on TV and he wasn't subscribed to any newspapers so he would need to catch up this way. As expected, one of the largest headline on just about any news side was about his conference. SURVEY COMPANY declining a partnership with the chain ZACKLEY INC. Some even went much further into detail and placed a picture of Erwin at the conference underneath the headline. Did his face always look this emotionless and cold? No wonder his employees were intimidated. Erwin turned off his tablet and threw it back onto the couch.
After a long, hot shower – his paranoia lessened due to a pleasant sleep, a comfortable environment and a lack of shower curtains – Erwin dressed in a casual white dress shirt and dark pants. Today, he did not even care whether his socks matched. Nobody would see him like this anyway.
In a small, rundown coffee shop, searing hot tea was spilled over a pair of dark jeans. Colourful curses were uttered and in a hurry a silhouette stormed out onto the streets, knocking pedestrians out of the way while waiting for somebody somewhere to pick up a phone.
„Shit, c'mon, c'mon, COME ON!“
A cab was hailed, a poor taxi driver shouted at and finally somebody, somewhere picked up a phone.
„Yes! You won't believe who I just saw in the news!“
The poor taxi driver was too intimidated by whoever sat in the back-seat to disobey the yelled order to be as quick as possible. So he hurried through the traffic, out of town and onto the highway. He had only been given a vague description of his destination. The largest city around. Was he supposed to drive them to the city centre? Or let them out as soon as they were at the border?
Anyhow, the drive was a rather long one. Two hours at least and he wasn't sure whether his passenger had enough money on him to pay the fee. After an hour of tense silence in which he didn't dare glance into his rear-view mirror in fear of meeting those terrifying eyes, the phone rang again.
„Yes?... PERFECT! Thank you. You handle everything while I'm gone. Take the weekend off or something. I'm not sure when I'll be back. Yes. Alright, good luck.“
Then he received an address and immediately regretted glancing in the mirror. Eyes glowing with such intensity that his blood froze in his veins and he broke into a cold sweat. Something told him he should call the police and have them sent a SWAT team. He spoke a quiet prayer when he parked outside of the hotel at last.
„Here. Keep the change!“
He nodded, only later realizing that the money was short ten dollars, but no way in hell would he go after them. He did not have a death wish.
It was 3.24pm when a bell announced that someone was using the elevator to his penthouse. Not even the hotel staff had a key. Erwin went to the kitchen, placed his cup in the sink and grabbed the revolver that was hidden on top of the large refrigerator. He knew where it lay, and due to his size barely had to stretch to get it. You would have to be far taller than Erwin to spot it and only if you knew what you were searching for.
He switched the safety off, holding the gun at his side as he calmly made his way over to the elevator. Whoever went into his house was trespassing and Erwin knew nobody who would come over for a surprise visit with good intentions.
Oddly enough, in moments like these, his hands weren't shaking. He would probably have been able to administer a perfect kill shot from a distance of forty meters like this. He had never needed these skills before, but some nagging feeling in the back of his head kept him alert as if situations like these were a daily occurrence. He felt used to them and luckily that same voice had made sure that his physique as well as his shooting and riding skills were top of the line. Speaking of which, Erwin would have to pay Charlotte, his trusty grey horse mare, a visit sometime soon.
The elevator made a ping sound and Erwin lifted his gun, intending for this to be a kill shot. But the second the doors opened time stopped. He felt hyper aware. The muscles in his hand loosening one by one until the revolver fell at an agonizingly slow speed. But that didn't even matter, compared to the sight before his eyes. His heart beat in his ears, so loud he felt he could hear every single platelet it pumped. His breath grew laboured and a weird shimmer threatened to dim his eyesight.
No! He had to see... He needed to see...
„Hanji...“, was all he could breathe, but Hanji had already lunged themselves at him. Legs locked behind his hips and hands clawing into his shoulder blades. Erwin could feel their hot breath against his ear.
„Hanji...“ His hands wrapped around the thin waist, rubbing up and down touching arm, hip, then shoulder, in the end holding both their waist as well as their head. He could feel wetness staining his white dress shirt. Were they crying?
„Hanji?“ The concern in his cracking voice was evident and the brunette lifted their head.
„Erwin... oh, silly! Why are you crying?“ Hanji took a second to wipe at their eyes and then went to wipe at Erwin's, sniffing slightly.
But Erwin couldn't answer. His hand was still cupping Hanji's head, stroking greasy brown hair with so much care and disbelief in his eyes, Hanji couldn't help but sob.
„H-hanji.“ It was all he could say even though his voice was breaking. It was all he could think. Hanji. Hanji! HanjiHanjiHanji! And before he knew it, he had sunk to the ground, with this complete stranger he had never met before in his lap and no intention of releasing them of his hug any time soon.
He could only think back to the times when all of them used to sit together, drink and laugh. The greasy hair, the contagious laugh, those glowing eyes whenever the topic shifted to Hanji's newest experiments. How they would beg Erwin and plead and write out whole argumentations to get more funding for experiments or equipment. Oh Hanji. Right now, at this moment, if Hanji were to ask, Erwin would pluck the stars from the sky, extinguish the sun and knit a thousand titan-sized blankets himself. Just please, please don't be a dream.
Before he could even waste a thought about what he was doing, he buried his face in Hanji's chest and began sobbing like a child.