Archive of Our Own ^beta

C. KW

Is it bad to still be held up on your ex from 7 years ago? (I know the answer’s yes)

Ok, but is it that bad to bring a friend as a plus-one to try to make him jealous? (I know I’m pathetic, okay??)

But you would understand if you lost Park Donggyu. The perfect, beautiful angel that is Park Donggyu. So what I’m still in love with him after all these years, even if he broke up with me. Call me a lost cause, I do not give a flying fuck. I’ve given up on seeing him again, even though I'm pretty darn sure he didn’t leave Seoul. But I’m a coward at my core, so while I know all of his social media usernames by heart, I have not followed him on a single one. See? I can keep some restraint. Way to go, Kaiwen! 

Now Liyu has offered me the opportunity of a lifetime! Or maybe he just invited me to his wedding. Still, if anything would bring Donggyu out of his shell, it would be their wedding. I’m just praying I’m not wrong. OPERATION WIN PARK DONGGYU BACK IS A GO!

—

Only one problem. I’ve been here two whole days, and I have yet to see Donggyu. I almost feel bad for Masato because I brought him here with the promise of exes drama, and the other guy isn't even here. Instead, I’ve been overthinking what I’m going to say to him when I first see him. 

So I’m going to write to him. I don’t know his address or anything, but I think I’ll just sneak it to him…somehow?? OOH, that reminds me! I need to ask Liyu about the seating chart. I think it’s my only chance at this point.

Thank god, Sanghyeon is the best man because if I had to balance writing a letter to Donggyu and a best man’s speech, I think I would die.

Oh well, I need to lock in on this letter. It has to be perfect.

P. DG

I really, really, really do not want to be at this wedding.

It’s already bad enough that I’ve ghosted most of these people since university. Now, I get news that Chen Kaiwen is here too? Haneum must’ve specifically left that out of our messages, because everyone seems to be walking on eggshells around me. Just great, this must be my punishment for dumping him 7 years ago. 

Thanks for the reminder, universe, as if I don’t rethink my choices every living moment that I’m alone with my thoughts!!!

Oh well, I’ll get through this, even if it’s only for Haneum and Liyu.

 — 

Fuck that, Haneum and Liyu have seated me directly across from Kaiwen. Those conniving bastards. God, this is what I was afraid of.

They didn't account for my alcoholism arc since university. Thank god they keep bringing around cocktails because this lil bitch is gonna do what he does best, DRANK.

Okay, update these cocktails ain’t shit. I’ve had at least five by now, and I’m still conscious of the fact that Chen Kaiwen is in front of me with his plus one. Even better now, because I’ve learned his name by eavesdropping on their conversations!! So, fuck you, MASATO!!! You stole my man, who isn’t my man, hasn’t been my man for 7 years, and yeah, I’m the one who dumped him. Still, FUCK YOU MASATO!! YOU’RE A HOMEWRECKER.

Okay, maybe Kaiwen’s had too many drinks because he's starting to cuddle this Masato guy RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. I forgot how much of a lightweight he is. His man doesn’t seem to realize because he’s been scrolling on Twitter this entire time. I COULD TREAT YOU BETTER, CHEN KAIWEN. 

Except I didn’t. 

God, these are the sober thoughts I do not want to deal with right now.

I need to go to the bathroom and escape this NOW.

C. KW

God, I missed Donggyu so much. He's so soft and kind, and he smells so good, I wonder if he’s changed his perfume? It doesnt smell like Donggyu. It kind of smells like Masato? That can’t be right. 

“OUCH!” I feel a flick on my forehead.

“Kaiwen, this is fuckin’ pathetic.” Masato deadpans as I rub the spot he flicked.

“What are you talking about?” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I understand exactly what he means. My speech is slurred to shit, and I realize that the man I have been cuddling into beside is, in fact, not Park Donggyu. Instead, it’s Masato. That would explain the perfume, and the twink build, and oh my god, all of it. He’s going to make me pay him like $20 just for that. 

Goddamit, get it together, Kaiwen. 

“I’m going to the bathroom,” I tell Masato as I get up out of my seat. 

“Finally, if you’re going to throw up those cocktails, do it in there, will you?” And just like that, he’s back to his phone. I still don’t know how he keeps up with a stan account at 31 years old, but I digress.

P. DG

Okay, I’ve officially spent too long in this bathroom. 

At this point, someone’s going to think I’m snorting something. But I have nothing to do in the wedding hall, besides wallowing in self-pity, which is something I do too much of already. So, I’ll stay here a little longer. It’s not like anyone is waiting for me.

I can hear the door open, and judging by this person’s footsteps, they are drunk. Which is insane considering it’s like 8:00 pm at the latest, but you do you, random person!

Okay, maybe this person is a little bit more than drunk, because they have been fiddling with the stall handle for like 5 minutes, and I’m starting to get annoyed. Sigh, I guess I’ll help them.

–

BAD IDEA!!!

I peep out of my bathroom stall for like three seconds, and what do I see? This random person is Kaiwen!!!!

FUCK MY LIFE. I’m going to leave him there, I don't care.

Except actually I care too much, but oh well.

Update: fifteen more minutes have passed, and nothing has changed. Which means that Chen Kaiwen has been struggling with the stall handle for a whole ass twenty minutes. At this point, I’m embarrassed sitting in the stall beside him without doing anything. If anyone else were in this position, they definitely would’ve helped by now. So, I guess I’ll be like these rhetorical people and help him. 

C. KW

Okay, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I feel so stupid. I just want Donggyu back, and I‘m never going to get that, so I’m just living for no reason, and I just–

Wait, the stall next to me just opened.

How long have they been there? I really hope they haven’t been here that long. 

Is that Donggyu??!

Ok, these drinks were strong as fuck because I’m hallucinating Donggyu now. Masato was right. God, I’m gonna start crying. It’s not like fake Donggyu will do anything. I miss him so much.

P. DG

So, I just exited the stall, and Kaiwen saw me. Cool, cool, coolcoolcool. Keep it together, Donggyu. 

“Hey, do you need some help?”

That seems like the wrong question, because he’s crying now?!?! What do I do in this situation? 

He’s walking over to me, god please help me.

Now he’s trying to hug me. God, I hope this Masato guy doesn’t walk in. I’m trying to keep a distance, but he keeps saying things under his breath while he is sobbing. It sounds like my name? And he keeps calling me fake?? 

“Wen, you good?” I ask hesitantly.

Okay, now he’s crying harder. Maybe I shouldn’t have used the nickname, but in my defense!

I have no defense. I just missed calling him that. Even if he won't remember our interaction, at least I got to say it for the first time in seven years.

He keeps hiccupping and gagging, and I can't tell if 

A) He just hates me that much that he gags at the sight of me.

or

B) He’s about to throw up.

C. KW

I feel nauseous from all this crying (and probably the alcohol). 

Okay, I feel really nauseous now. Fake Donggyu needs to move so I can go throw up my guts in peace, preferably without the physical manifestation of my yearning in front of me.

“Wen, you look sick.” Fake Donggyu seems to be as good at reading my mind as Real Donggyu was. He opens the door to the bathroom stall from which he had appeared earlier. I can barely hold it in.

Okay, fun’s over. Donggyu’s soothing me by rubbing my back. Yes, Donggyu, not Fake Donggyu. I should’ve realized I didn't hallucinate him. This is awkward.

I think he’s realized this, too, because the moment I make eye contact with him, he starts stuttering an excuse to get back to the table.

He’s walking away.

I can’t let this happen again.

So I run after him, just like I should have 7 years ago.

P. DG

I’m just about to go back to my seat when I feel a harsh tug on my arm. I already know who it is. But I can't do this right now. As much as I kept calling Masato a homewrecker, I’m the one homewrecking them. 

Kaiwen doesn’t seem to be taking no for an answer because after all his tugging on my arm, he resorts to just manhandling me (God, I’ve missed that. FUCK DONGGYU YOU ARE NOT BEATING THE HOMEWRECKER ALLEGATIONS).

I take in a deep breath, ready to face the inevitable, Chen Kaiwen.

“Why did you run away, Donggyu? Why would you do that, again?” I can hear the hurt in his voice.

“I can’t do this, Kaiwen.” I need to get out of here, but my feet are glued to the floor. I can’t move.

“Can’t do what?! Abandon me again? Because it seems like you’re pretty damn good at that!!” In the almost 11 years that I’ve known Chen Kaiwen, I’ve only seen him get angry twice. This marks the third, and the first time that it’s because of me. It’s a statistic I never wanted to achieve. If anyone were to be deserving of Kaiwen’s anger, though, it’s me.

“Kaiwen..” I don't know how to respond. I just know I’m making it worse by the second.

“No, you listen to me.” He starts. I know this side of him, so I shut my mouth and nod.

“I waited for you this whole time. Even brought a fake plus one so you’d think better of me!! And you’re j- just toying with me!!” He points to me with a shaky hand. I can see the betrayal in his eyes seeping through.

“I’m not toying with you, Wen. I just can’t do this again.” He doesn’t understand. I’m not lovable. I ruin everything I touch, and I can’t risk my bad streak of luck spreading to him. He’s too precious to ruin.

“Just stop! Stop it with this I’m unlovable bullshit!! You said it then, and you’re still saying it now! And you know what, as much as I hate to admit it, I loved you then, and I still love you now. Does my love not count for anything?!” Have I mentioned how well Chen Kaiwen can read me? Even now, I feel like he can see my heart through my chest. It’s a level of vulnerability I haven't felt in years, and it makes me uncomfortable.

“I don't deserve your love, whether it’s then or now. I’ve kept you waiting too long, and I have nothing to show for it!”

“Don’t you get it? I’d wait for you forever, Park Donggyu. You don’t need to prove yourself worthy of me. That’s ridiculous!” His words sound upset, but he’s looking straight at me with so much love in his eyes that it makes his words ring true, if even just for a minute.

But that minute’s passed, and I’ve sobered back up to reality.

“Isn’t that the problem, Kaiwen? After all this time, you should have someone better. I'm too flawed for you, even now. You’ve grown, and all I can do is stay stagnant. I can’t risk this.”

“But can we not try? Please, it’s all I ask, after seven years. Just one more chance to prove to you that you are worth it. You’ll always be worth it to me. ” I can hear the tears in his voice, and I can’t bear to look him in the eye. I take the opportunity to make direct eye contact with Kaiwen’s shoes. I notice they’re still the same pair from his first real job years ago, his internship during the summer before our senior year. Except they appear to have been repaired by a cobbler, as indicated by the new leather pieces sticking out among the 8-year-old shoes. I realize then that I’m not the only one holding onto hope, no matter how impractical.

“I can’t lie and say that I don’t think about it, okay? I think about it every day! Hell, every restless night is spent thinking about how bad I fucked up! But, I'm worried, Wen. What if I ruin this again?!” I say as I gesture between us. Kaiwen goes to give a rebuttal, but I'm not done, “I'll run away when things get hard, and I –” My voice cracks. (I think I feel a tear run down my cheek? Way to look put together, Donggyu.)

“I can’t afford to do that to you again.” I finish saying, while fighting to keep it together (I really hope no one can hear us in this hallway).

The silence is deafening, and it seems to last for hours. I should leave, stand on my ground with this notion I have that I’m unlovable, and I’ll ruin him again. But I can't seem to move, and I can't seem to fully believe that inner dialogue that’s been haunting me all these years. I could say I don't know why, but I do. That is the Chen Kaiwen effect. The man I see in front of me is the same man I’ve loved since I was 18. And by that, he is love personified. I think I’ve gotten too used to thinking I don't deserve it. His love, I mean, but I miss him. I miss us. God, for the first time in 7 years, I finally let myself feel it. I miss us. Everything that us entails. I want to experience it again, I realize. And this time I don't want to run away.

The only thing bringing me out of my trance is a text from Haneum.

Haneum

Stop sulking/hiding in the bathroom/whatever tf you’re doing and come eat some wedding cake.

Liyu says we spent too much on it for you not to have even a little taste. :(

I go to leave when Kaiwen speaks up at last. 

“Please.” He speaks with a voice that has been exhausted by too many years of pent-up tears finally being released. 

I turn around to see that he’s reached his hand out with his head hanging low. For the first time in 7 years, I consider that maybe Kaiwen has been clinging to us, too. And, for some reason, that fact makes me ready to try.

“Let’s go get some cake, and then talk in my room. How’s that, Wen?”

His eyes light up like I’ve granted his only wish, and if he’s been anything like me these last few years, I probably did. I put my hand in his, and we walk back into the wedding hall like we haven’t just bared our souls to each other over the span of the last 45 minutes.

We go to grab our slices of cake. We. I never thought I would say that word again. It feels a little strange, but oddly, good. I’ve missed saying that. Haneum spots us (Not getting used to that anytime soon) and makes a knowing look to Liyu. Liyu winks at Kaiwen, who blushes like they planned this.  Whatever, let them think it’s their doing. Like it’s their master plan that brought us back together, not us talking for the first time in years. I wince internally thinking of all the time I wasted ghosting him, when I could’ve been loving him out loud this whole time. 

But I have him now. And that’s enough for me.

C. KW

Okay, so as nice as it is to socialize with everyone from university, I am heavily anticipating that last part of Donggyu's plan. Talk in my room. Am I reading into this too much?

Maybe I’m just a pervert at the end of the day. Pervert Kaiwen, who finally got the love of his life back, and the only thing he can think of is fucking him into the hotel mattress. God, I need to be put down.

—

Okay, I really need to be put down because it hasn't even been an hour, and I still want to fuck Donggyu. That’s putting it nicely. I really hope no one can see my growing bulge, least of all Park Donggyu. I’m trying to distract myself by looking around, but I keep focusing on Donggyu’s lips. I lick my lips in habit. If only Donggyu would just look over here!! Yoo hoo!! Park Donggyu!! 

He’s looking at me now, I can feel his eyes on my lips. Then my body, then back at my face. Please, I hope he's not teasing me right now.

“Excuse me, guys, but I need to take care of Kaiwen. The drinks from earlier are still affecting him.”

Take care of me? I hope that means what I think it means. I bow to our old friends as I get out of my seat and walk with Donggyu to the elevator.

Once we get in the elevator, I go to kiss him, but he puts a hand on my chest. He whispers to me, “Wen, we need to wait. If we start now, we won't get back to my room.” I gulp and nod like a dog. He continues, “Unless.. You want the cameras to see you fucking me in the elevator?” God, if I didn’t have a boner before, I sure have one now. 

I want to fuck him so bad. Not even just fuck him, I want to kiss him, make love to him. I want to make up for the last 7 years. So, I do what I’ve done these last few years, pretty well might I add, and wait some more on the elevator ride up to the 15th floor.

P. DG

I tried to show restraint when we were on the elevator, but I want to jump his bones NOW. For once, I’m grateful to have a room close to the noisy elevator because once we get off this elevator, there's no stopping me.

Ding. There's our stop. Once the door opens, our hands are on each other instantly. I fumble for the room key in my pocket and unlock the door behind me. Our clothes are thrown the moment we enter the bedroom.

I can feel him everywhere, and we haven't even had sex yet. I feel his breath in my soul, his moans in my mouth, his heart in my head. I can’t get him out, and for the first time in a while, I don’t want to. 

He’s kissing me everywhere. I feel like a god. I feel his lips on my neck, my chest, my heart. He even kisses the spot behind my ear and then gives a small bite. I gasp. After all this time, he still remembers me, remembers my body. I wonder if he ever forgot it?

I feel his hunger sneaking through his worship, so I decide to give in a bit. I press down on his bulge with my palm. Now it's his turn to gasp. I still have my tricks. He climbs on top of me, pinning my back to the wall. 

His kisses make it to my thighs. God, I haven’t been touched in so long. I’ve missed it. I almost clamp Kaiwen’s head between my thighs. Sick fuck would probably like it too. I’ll have to test that next time. Next time.

He starts pushing my legs up against my chest. “Wen,” he perks his head up like a puppy, “The lube is in the bathroom,” I whine. He kisses me, then says, “I’ll be right back, baby.” I can feel the words go straight to my dick. So sue me, I like a pet name! Don’t we all?

He really is a man of his word, sprinting out of the bathroom with the bottle of lube in his hand. I love him so much.

He looks at me so intensely, it makes me want to hide away; the vulnerability still makes me uncomfortable. But when he grabs my chin and kisses me, I can’t help but relish in the feeling of being seen. 

He starts to pour the lube on his fingers, and I clench on instinct. I haven’t had anyone down here since we broke up, to be quite honest. It should feel humiliating that I held onto him so long, but he reminds me why when he inserts the first finger. It feels somewhat awkward. I didn’t prep before this, but he takes his time slowly opening me up. Around the third finger, I start to feel the pleasure. 

“Wen, I n–need more!” I moan out. I cover my mouth in shock. When had I become so loud?! Kaiwen pulls my hand from in front of my mouth and locks it with his. 

He goes to put on a condom, and I start getting antsy. 

“Kaiwen hurr–” I bite back the words as he starts pushing his way in me. I go silent, just absorbing the scene around me.

 “I’m here, Gyu.” He says as he bottoms out. He’s just the sweetest. I had sex after he left, sure. But nobody lets me be me the way he lets me be me. Every hookup at the club, or from a dating app, just assumed I topped due to, well, my everything. But Kaiwen lets me speak for myself in a way that I forgot how. He makes me vulnerable in a way that I should be scared of, but it feels natural with him.

He keeps pumping in and out of me at a rate that has me nearing my orgasm quicker than I expected. I think I’ve zoned out from the pleasure. For the second time tonight, I can feel a tear fall down my cheek.

“Gyu? Gyu? Are you okay?” Kaiwen stops moving to check on me. 

“I– I’ve just missed this. I’ve missed you, Wen.” I say with a small, but genuine smile.

He smiles back tenfold and keeps going, “I’ve missed you too, love.” The words have me feeling all sorts of tender feelings.

He quickens the pace, and I feel my orgasm climbing at a rapid rate, “Wen, I’m gonna–”

“Come with me, Gyu.” With that, I can’t hold back. I fall apart on him, and then quite literally fall on him.

I don’t know how long it's been, but Kaiwen is now wiping me down as I struggle to stay awake. I cuddle into the blankets and conk out.

C. KW

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Park Donggyu is an angel. Not just any angel, he’s my angel. 

“Hey, make room for me!” I whisper to him, which falls on deaf ears because he is dead asleep. I slip in beside him, spooning him. 

Safe to say “Operation Win Back Park Donggyu” was a success ;)