Work Text:
Shane looked down at his phone while he stood in the elevator. His body was pressed into the wall, using it to hold himself up. His breathing was slightly jagged but he was quite used to it, he swore he had been breathing that way since he had left Ilya’s hotel room.
We didn’t even kiss
He hadn’t sent it, no, but he stared at the message in the text box. He knew it wouldn’t be the right move to send it. He knew Ilya, or at least he liked to think he did, and he probably would just leave him on read. He didn’t remember sliding down the wall of the elevator, his chest felt heavier than before, it was strange. He flinched at the soft chatter that was just out in the hallway, a few feet from him as he sat patheticly on the floor. He looked up and stared at the wall of the elevator for a moment. This was dangerous, he needed to get up and leave.
Shane couldn’t move, not his legs at least. A weak noise left his throat as he looked down at his phone, him and Ilya’s messages still open. He didn’t remember how he did it but he managed to call Ilya, they had never called before. He pressed himself into the side of the elevator, if he closed his eyes it was almost like he was back in Ilya’s arms, he could almost pretend that he was pressed against a warm chest, it would have been more convincing if the wall wasn’t so cold.
He was cold. Why was he so cold?
“Something you forget?” Ilya asked as soon as he picked up. Shane didn’t respond, just breathing and leaning harder into the wall, his eyes shut tight. “Hollander. Is this— butt dial?” Ilya asked. A weak noise left Shane’s mouth, similar to the noise he had made earlier. “Hollander, you alive?” Ilya sighed as he uttered the question, he sounded annoyed.
“Ilya.” Shane called out, his voice cracking as he muttered the short name into his microphone. It was silent for a moment, not like it felt like a moment to Shane, he swore he sat in silence for at least 20 minutes until the Russian replied.
“What is matter?” Ilya replied. Shane swore he could hear concern in his voice but maybe his mind was making it up, he decided that must be it as his mind continued to make up other things as he sat cold and confused in the elevator. He swallowed harshly. He felt a shiver run down his spine.
“I—“ Shane started but then shut his mouth, he moved his tongue around slowly and exploratory inside.
When did his mouth get so dry?
“Where are you?” Ilya said and Shane could hear him as he walked, the floor of the hotel room he was in carrying an echo as he took strong strides in his shoes.
“M’here.” Shane said back.
“That is not location.” Ilya said. Shane’s lip wobbled and he brought his other hand to his mouth, chewing at the skin as he looked around the small elevator.
“I— I’m h-here.” Shane’s voice cracked again as he spoke, followed by a deep shutter. “M’sorry.” He whispered the apology, he couldn’t get his head to form a full sentence.
This was a mistake.
“Where is here? I am not mad. Not upset. Just— try and use head. Da? Yes?” Ilya replied and his tone was soft, caring. Shane whimpered and pressed harder into the side of the elevator.
“Still here.” Shane said back.
“In hotel?” Ilya asked and Shane nodded in response, forgetting for a moment that the Russian can’t see him.
“Y-yeah.” Shane said quietly, his voice as dry as his mouth felt.
“Not in my room, no, you left. I watched you leave.” Ilya was muttering to himself. Shane then could hear his voice twice, once on the phone and once outside the elevator doors.
He looked up slowly and the doors opened. Ilya had pressed the button, frozen as he stared down at the huddled Shane. Shane’s lip just wobbled and he then leaned back into the wall of the elevator. Ilya cursed something in his native language before surging forward to place gentle hands on the other. “Shane. Shane, what is wrong?” Ilya’s words came out panicked.
“I— I shouldn’t have called.” Shane suddenly blubbered out and Ilya didn't respond. He pulled Shane up and cupped his cheek, making the other look at him as Ilya scanned his face.
“Use words.” Ilya said. Shane just stared with a wobbly lower lip. “I cannot fix if you do not use words.”
“We— we didn’t kiss.” Shane sobbed and it was loud. Ilya’s eyes widened and he practically dragged Shane back to his hotel room. He shut the door and locked it behind him and Shane curled back as if he expected Ilya to shout. He did expect him to shout, they had fucked and he was supposed to leave, that was what Al was supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to bring all this attention to them by sobbing like a child in the hallway of this very busy hotel and act like a spoiled brat for not getting a kiss. “I— I’m— I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Shane babbled out, his eyes wide with panic. “S’mething is wrong. Wrong.” He hiccuped and Ilya cupped his cheeks as he pressed him gently into one of the walls of the bedroom.
“Is okay. Shane, is okay.” Ilya whispered the words. “We didn’t kiss, no, we didn’t. I fix. Is okay.” Ilya leaned forward but Shane put a hand on his chest, shaking his head. Another jagged sob leaving his lips.
“You— you don’t have to. You— you don’t.” Shane babbled but Ilya’s eyes just softened more and he brushed his thumb along Shane’s lip.
“I want to kiss you. I want to.” Ilya whispered. “Such a good boy. So good. Let me, yes?” Ilya muttered and Shane whined. Ilya nodded and closed the gap, he gave a soft peck to Shane’s lips before peppering kisses on his face.
“Cold.” Shane whispered and Ilya nodded.
“Cold? You are cold? Okay. Good, good for telling me. I warm you up.” Ilya hummed it so sweetly and pulled Shane back on the bed. He pulled him into his lap, Ilya’s back against the headboard, he pulled at the blankets, wrapping Shane up like a present in his lap. “Helping?” Ilya asked but Shane didn’t reply. He smacked his lips and another whine left them. Ilya’s brows furrowed and he then leaned over and then brought a bottle of water to Shane’s lips. “Open sweetheart.” The pet name sent a warm feeling over him and Shane obeyed.
Ilya sat it down and went back to peppering kisses on his face, occasionally rubbing his knuckle on his face as he continuously stared and studied Shane’s face. He then holds his chin steady, staring into his eyes. Shane’s eyes are glossy, hell Ilya would even describe them as foggy. He leans into the touch like a puppy after being scolded, it breaks his heart. “I have you.” Ilya stated, it’s a statement that means so much to the man saying it as it’s him trying to reach, it’s him trying to fix.
“Something is wrong.” Shane whimpered again and Ilya tsked his tongue before going back to petting the other’s jaw.
“I will fix what is wrong.” Ilya stated strongly.
“I feel wrong.” Shane babbled and a tear slid down his cheek and Ilya felt a cold tinge run down his spine for a moment. He didn’t let it linger as he just held Shane tighter and shook his head.
“I have you. Do you hear me? I have you. You are safe. You are— you are with me. You will not leave. You will stay.” Ilya said. He then gave Shane another kiss, this one stronger, not in an aggressive way, it was more assertive than anything. “You are not wrong. Nothing about you is wrong. Is your head. Head is- fuzzy? Yes?” Ilya asked so very gently and Shane nodded.
He was getting somewhere.
Ilya ran his fingers through Shane’s hair and hummed gently, rubbing and pulling softly at the pieces as he continued to hold eye contact with the other. “Is happens sometimes. Has ever happened to you?” Ilya asked and Shane shook his head. In response, Ilya shook his head with him, a way for the Russian to show Shane that he understood him even if he did not use words. “That is okay. I have seen it before. I will fix. Happens after sex sometimes. People get— overwhelmed, yes?” Ilya whispered and pressed a soft gentle kiss to Shane’s cheek.
“Never happened to me before.” Shane whispered and Ilya just nodded.
“That is okay. It is my fault.” Ilya said. His tone was stern as if there was no arguing the statement but Shane still didn’t understand anything that was going on.
“M’confused.” Shane blinked slowly and Ilya hummed.
“We had sex. I did not— take care of you after. I usually hold you. I kiss you. I was selfish today. I was- in my head.” Ilya said. “After sex sometimes people get— in their head. I was in my own head and I did not see that you were getting stuck in yours, yes? You left and your body, how to put— gave up. It happens. Hard to explain.” Ilya whispered.
“I really don’t understand.” Shane replied, his voice a strangled whisper.
“You are— submissive.” Ilya said, sounding like he’s trying very hard to think of the correct word to use. He then grabbed his phone, sighing as he thought before he brought it to his face and muttered a phrase into it. He then typed on it for a moment before showing the screen to Shane. It was an article.
“Sub drop is a feeling of intense sadness, emptiness, anxiety, depression, or even a sense of being emotionally raw that can occur in a submissive person after a scene. It’s often described as a crash, a sudden descent from the heightened state experienced during play.”
“That’s a thing?” Shane asked and Ilya nodded.
“Like I said, normal.” Ilya replied. “Will not happen again.”
That statement alone filled Shane with dread, he didn’t know what the Russian meant. He didn’t know if he wanted to know what it meant. He didn’t realize there was a stutter in his breath, alerting Ilya that something was wrong. He shushed him gently, petting his face with a coo. “Not leaving. That is what I meant. After we have sex— have fun, whatever you want to call it. No more leaving right after, not healthy. I will not leave you like this. I will not let you feel empty inside.” Ilya said. “Not saying we will not have sex again, do not panic, I see that on your face. I do not think I could live without your beautiful ass, but things do have to change.” Ilya couldn’t help but give Shane a small smile at the mention of his buttocks.
Shane responded with a small frown and turned his head into Ilya, nuzzling into his neck. Ilya continued to pet him and hum. “It’s not safe. It’s— it’s too risky.” Shane replied but Ilya just shook his head.
“I do not care of risk. I care for you.” Ilya said it sternly. “I mean it Shane.”
“People could find out.” Shane whispered.
“Let them.” Ilya huffed.
“Even if it was just one of our teammates— they could tell more people.” Shane whispered the scenario already a little panicked. Ilya pulled him back a little so he could see his face.
“I will punch them in face.” Ilya said back. “I will punch out teeth, will not be able to talk.” He sounded so certain that as dreadful as Shane felt he couldn’t help but chuckle a little. The noise brought light back in Ilya’s eyes. “I will. You just wait.” Ilya continued and Shane hummed. Ilya leaned down and pushed one of his hands under Shane’s shirt, rubbing at the skin. “I bathe you.” Ilya said.
“What— like, give me a shower?” Shane scoffed softly, a small smile on his face.
“Exactly.” Ilya nodded. Shane let Ilya pull him up gently, leading him to the bathroom where he started the water and undressed. Ilya didn’t even bother to ask Shane if he needed help undressing, the second Ilya was naked he began to strip Shane of his clothes too. Ilya was already clean, he had taken a speedful shower the moment Shane left, so instead he kept one hand on Shane’s waist and the other to wipe and pet his body. Ilya liked petting him, he leaned into it like a dog. He smiled and washed Shane’s hair and then gently scrubbed his body.
When they got out, Ilya wrapped Shane in a towel and had him sit on the toilet seat before disappearing back into the bedroom. He returned later with fresh clean clothes, his own of course. One again he did not ask Shane if he needed help and just began to dress him. He then led Shane back to the bed, getting them both under the covers and holding the Canadian to his chest as he kissed his head. “Is fuzzy?” Ilya asked and Shane nodded.
He was starting to understand what the Russian meant when he said that word, the more relaxed he felt the more he felt like he had a balloon in his head. It wasn’t a bad thing, but it made it harder for him to understand the other, it made him feel more sluggish. Ilya hummed approvingly and placed a soft kiss on Shane’s lips, he then muttered something in Russian, the word or phrase was sharp, probably profanity.
“Was wrong of me not to kiss you. You deserve to be kissed. Such beautiful lips. Such a beautiful face, yes? Always behave so well. Always take me so well.” Ilya cooed and Shane closed his eyes lightly, beaming at the praise and Ilya just smiled gently. “I mean it when I say it not happen again. Too beautiful to break, that is what you are.” Ilya whispered.
“You’re being so— sweet.” Shane said as he fluttered his eyes back open.
“Is what you deserve. Also is what you need. I tease you many but now is not good time. I said it before and I say it again, I care for you. I fucked up and I will not do it again. I will not let you break.” Ilya said as he pushed at Shane’s hair and Shane nodded. A small smile reappeared on his lips and Ilya began to share one too.