Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

To say that things were tense would have been an understatement; Dan could feel it in there air, things had changed.

Dan was kind of a fuck up and he knew that, but Phil hadn’t usually minded forgiving him...until he did.

It had probably starting building up a long time ago, each dumb thing that Dan did without thinking like a brick in a wall slowly growing to shut Dan out and keep him away. Tonight, he would add the last brick, and complete the wall once and for all.

“Are we out of coffee?” Phil’s tired voice rang from the kitchen
Dan looked down at the hot mug of coffee in his hand and felt a sickening wave of guilt at having finished the last of the container wash over him.

“Yeah, we are,” he said weakly pushing down the remorse “I just finished it, sorry.”

Phil’s head popped into the lounge from the hallway with a frustrated look on his face.

“Dan, I was saving that to drink after I finished my editing!” Phil said coldly

“Sorry, Phil. I’ll get some more next time I’m out.” Dan promised quickly noticing the agitation in his boyfriend’s voice

Phil looked down avoiding Dan’s eyes. It was like he didn’t want to look at him. Dan felt a sudden moment of anxiety as he realized that Phil was truly upset.

“I didn’t know you were saving it sorry.”

Phil’s eyes met Dan’s with fiery intensity. Anger. That was all Dan could see in them.

“Yes you did!” Phil shouted, “I literally told you that I was looking forward to that all day.”

Dan felt himself shrink away before jumping onto his feet. Dan knew that his temper and his tendency to seek out conflict only ever got in him in trouble and yet even the knowledge of this couldn’t stop him from shouting right back.

“I said I was sorry Phil, let it go.”

This unpredictably did not defuse the tension.

“Why do you always have to do this Dan?!” Phil shouted now standing entirely in the lounge face to face with Dan who was still holding the steaming mug in his shaking hands “You don’t care about the people around you at all. I was working hard all day and just because you wanted something, you took away the one small thing that I was looking forward to today.”

“It’s just a cup of coffee Phil, we can get more.” Dan insisted

“But it’s not just that,” Phil seethed “You don’t think about the other people in your life, ever. You just do your own selfish little thing and we are all supposed to just go along and be fine with you dragging us behind. Heads up Dan, that’s bullshit.”

“I don’t do that!”

“Yes you do, and I for one am finally sick of it,” Phil hissed “I thought that when we decided to date, you would start to take me more seriously and think about me more, that’s what you are supposed to do in relationships anyway. But you still just treat me like a house mate that you can walk all over and take advantage of.”

Dan found himself rolling his eyes as an automatic reflex. As soon as he did he regretted it. He immediately saw Phil’s face go red with anger.

“You know what, fuck off.” Phil said stomping away

Dan wasn’t sure what it was that tossed him over the edge, but the combination of being ridiculed, insulted, belittled, and accused sure seem like a good enough explanation for what followed.

“No!” Dan roared following after Phil “You don’t get to just start saying that I don’t care about things. I do stupid stuff, and sure sometimes I don’t think about the consequences but I’ll be damned if you aren’t the most important thing in my life Phil.”

Normally Phil would have stopped in his tracks at a confession like that, but the cocktail of fury and contempt that flowed through his veins stopped him from even registering the sentiment.

“You know what, do whatever you want.” He said walking into his room and slamming the door so the entire house shook.

“God Damn it!” Dan screamed hurling the mug of scorching coffee at Phil’s closed door watching it shatter on impact and splatter brown liquid all across the carpet and walls.

Phil opened his door with a look of disbelief on his face.

“You are a fucking child,” he said looking disdainfully at the ceramic shards scattered at his feet “And you and me? We are done.”

He slammed the door adding a sense of finality to the argument.

Dan didn’t register for a moment what Phil said but after three powerful heartbeats the words hit him like a train. Phil had just broken up with him…

Dan felt a cold numb shiver travel through his limbs and down his spine. It emptied into his stomach and if he hadn’t only had coffee today, he surely would have vomited right then and there.

This couldn’t be real…this couldn’t be happening…

He loved Phil. What the fuck had just happened.

The confusion eventually gave way to absolute panic. What had he just done?? Phil was the one person in his life that he loved unconditionally and he had just fucked that up like everything else. Phil was right he was a selfish little child…
Somehow in the moment Dan got it into his head that maybe he could salvage their relationship. Running out the door and sliding on the sleeves of his coat as he tore down the stairs Dan could only seem to think about getting coffee. That was what caused this, maybe it could fix this. That makes sense, right?? Right??

The force of icy air that pierced his ears and nose as he sprinted out the door didn’t even faze Dan. His lungs and cheeks were already on fire as he ran as though jet fuel pumped through his arteries.

His entire mind was cluttered and confused he still couldn’t seem to process a single thing.

Looking around he realized that he had taken a wrong turn or two in his haste, and didn’t have a clue where he was, and there wasn’t a soul in sight. This only sent him into further panic. He felt his heart pounding deafening beats against his ribs, and as his breathing quickly evolved into hyperventilation he began to see black. He found himself tripping on ice and walking into lampposts as he struggled and scrambled forward in a complete haze.

He fell to his knees sobbing as his life spun and fell out of balance. Dan felt himself lurch over dry-heave before collapsing onto the street weak and shivering.
He still couldn’t see anything and he seemed to lose his sense of hearing as his entire world faded to solitude and black, as if he was floating in a dizzying lifeless vacuum.

If he had seen, or had heard anything maybe nothing more would have happened that night. Maybe he would have calmed down and found the coffee. Maybe he would have come back home and made things right with Phil. Maybe he would have moved out of the way and narrowly missed the car speeding towards him at an asteroid’s pace. But he didn’t do any of this, and so instead, that night, the front bumper of an unfortunately sturdy SUV collided head on with him, and life changed forever as Dan’s world melted away without a trace, and with it, the memories of the only person in it that mattered.

Chapter Text

There was no telling how long he lay in the road that night. By the time passerbies saw him, his internal temperature was nearly hypothermic and his lips and fingers had gone blue.

The panicked pedestrians quickly called for help and tried to stay by his side. They tried to wake him, but he was as quite as the death he so closely resembled.

The two EMTs who arrived on scene shared a bleak glance as they loaded him into the ambulance. The snowy pale skin, bruised chest and limbs, the spatter of blood on his clothes and the corresponding scrapes and lacerations all told them the same thing. They were too late.

Had the circumstances of this night; again, been different there may never have been a story. If a better team had arrived when called, and taken him to a better hospital, what followed would have never come to pass.

There is a rule you see that states an EMT must bring victims to the nearest hospital for treatment, and that night after running until his legs ached and his lungs burned, Dan had been found very near to a less than functional and criminally underfunded public clinic hospital. Like any other of the coincidences that occurred on this night, this changed the course of events and made a story that was as much fiction as any story could be, a reality.

By the time the EMTs arrived at the emergency bay doors around the loading dock, it was close to 4 am. This hospital—being understaffed and financed as it was—sent an intern to meet the ambulance. This intern working her first 36-hour shift was groggy of mind and exhausted of body and did not hear clearly when the EMT said “near dead.” As she rushed the gurney inside she lost the words which had been given to her and could only remember the term “dead” coming from the lips of the emergency responders.

That being her perception, she signed a form and listed the man who’s ID had identified him as Daniel James Howell deceased on site.

His pale deathlike hue did nothing to alert workers to the mistake, and his slowed breathing and heart rate from the cold only confirmed that his life had been taken that night.

He was moved and laid out in the morgue on a cold steely table. There he remained for an innumerable time until a miracle of sorts took place.

His eyes opened.

The first thing that he could see was the darkness of the room. The ceiling was barren and draped in haunting shadows. The room around him was metallic and desolate.
Where was he? What was this place? Why was he here? Who was he?

That last question struck him most strongly. He might not have remembered a thing, but he felt confident enough that he should have some sort of idea who he was and where he came from.

He tried to move and immediately crumbled over in pain.

It radiated outwards from his chest and it was some how burning, freezing, dull and sharp all at once. He looked down at himself and saw his bloodied shirt and his ripped and torn jeans. There were scrapes all over his arms and his palms stung covered in a labyrinth of cuts.

He tried to breathe and find calm, but found more pain in its place as his chest ached intensely. He could feel the pain shooting out from the center of his bones. His ribs were broken for sure.

After all of that settled in and began to be his new reality, he felt a new pain from his head.

It was worse than any headache he could imagine, like there was pressure behind his eyes and fire burning through his brain igniting every neuron in a circuit of hellish torture.

He forced himself to stand up right as he got off of the table and onto his feet. The smooth and flat laminate tiles on the floor were checkered and something simple enough to draw his focus.

He forced himself to study those panels for any escape from the misery of his current existence.

Having no concept of time, he felt as though he stood there for a lifetime. By the time he broke his gaze and rocketed back into his own mind, the pain felt easier. He could do this.

He saw a door. Two swinging doors on hinges to be precise and he forced his body through them, using the last of his energy to open them and stumbled out into the ally behind the hospital.

He trudged forward ignoring the burning in his limbs and the aching in his body.

As he walked into the light of the street he saw the sign. It read “St. Thomas Hospital” in glowing letters on a white background.

He knew what a hospital was in a vague sort of sense—the same way he knew just about everything he knew—but he knew whatever place he had been was not a hospital. He had been scared there, he had been alone there, he had been broken there. Some sort of synapse clicked in his brain and as he looked back at the word “Hospital” he heard himself breathe the word: Bad.

He wondered if he should be surprised by the sound of his own voice, but he sounded exactly how he knew he would. At least the sound of his voice wasn’t something he could forget.

He stumbled further down the road and away from the bright lights behind him. It was some kind of city full of brightness and noise, he needed to stay away, he needed peace and he needed quiet.

By the time that his legs began to give out and the excruciation became too much to handle he was finally safe.

He collapsed into a patch of grass and snow along side the stretch of pavement where he had been walking. He had already lost feeling in his toes and fingers; he could feel that his arms and legs were next. He began to shiver and just as he knew he would again lose consciousness he heard a voice.

“Hello?” it rang out “is someone there?”

He felt fear at first, he wanted to stay hidden and safe. But he lost his nerve and found himself meekly calling “yes…here!” in a rasping whisper.

The face that appeared was unknown to him, but kind. She wasn’t like the hospital, she was good.

“Oh my god,” she murmured as she knelt down at his side

“Help.” He managed

“I need to get you to a hospital.” She said with a sharp edge of fear in her voice

“No!” he said more forcefully than he thought possible as he felt adrenaline shoot though his veins.

She looked taken aback.

“No hospitals!” he said with panic over taking him as he imagined being again in that room on that table helpless

He held on fiercely to the lapel of her jacket and begged her not to take him back.

She nodded with understanding and helped him to his feet.

“No hospitals.” she agreed with a nod of her head

“Thank you.” He felt himself say through a quivering voice

“I’m Anna.” She said draping his arm across her shoulders and helping him forward

She looked at him with eyes that were hoping for something from him.

His name, he quickly decided. But what was his name?

“I don’t know my name,” he writhed between a breath “I don’t have one.”

She looked at him with concern and with kindness.

“Everyone’s got a name.”

He thought back to that room where he had woken up. He hadn’t bothered to search for any sign himself there, he had just fled. But he recalled the image of large steel cooler with a paper card on it that read John Doe.

“John.” He said breathlessly

“Okay John,” she said with nod “let me take you home.”

Chapter Text

It was a knock at the door that woke Phil up.

In foresight Phil wished that he had felt some sort of ghostly premonition, as if somewhere deep down in his soul he would have known if something had happened to Dan. But he didn’t. He didn’t feel a thing.

In fact when he had heard Dan leave the night before after the argument, he hadn’t even waited for him to return. He had just sort of assumed that he had come home late after cooling off. Phil even felt some residual anger as he walked past Dan’s bedroom on his way down to the front door.

That would haunt him.

He opened the door and saw a police man dressed in black with a reflective yellow vest on, hat in hand—a sign of respect.

“Hello?” Phil said groggily rubbing his eye

“Are you Phillip Michael Lester?” The man asked, something sad in his voice that Phil didn’t quite recognize

“…Yeah…?” Phil said slowly feeling some fear start to churn in his stomach

The man looked down at a notebook in his hand refusing to meet Phil’s eyes and read aloud “Last night at 23:56 your roommate Daniel James Howell was found in a street on the other side of the city, an apparent victim of a hit and run. He was taken to St. Thomas Hospital where he was declared dead upon arrival.”

Phil felt a chill run through his body. His blood became ice.

“Dan…is…d…” he couldn’t even say the word

The officer shifted uncomfortably “I’m sorry son. He was positively identified at the scene.”

Now Phil knew what that was in the officer’s voice. Pity.

“H-he…he wasn’t my roommate.” Phil said absently

“Pardon?”

“He was my boyfriend…I loved him…” He needed to say it

The officer’s face fell.

“As I said son, I am sorry for your loss.”

Phil nodded and closed the door slowly.

He didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to feel either. For the moment he didn’t feel anything. He felt dazed.

“No!” Phil shouted sprinting up the stairs tearing through the flat and throwing open Dan’s bedroom door.

He looked frantically through the room hoping desperately to see Dan lying lazily in bed, or at his desk surfing the Internet. Hoping that his had all just been some hideous horrible mistake. No such luck.

“No…”

He walked over to Dan’s bed and pulled back the crumpled up duvet. He felt the fabric in his hand for a minute and he lifted it up to his nose just so he could remember what Dan smelled like one more time.

As it turned out, this was enough to send him spiraling into tears.

He collapsed onto Dan’s bed and curled up into a ball, hugging his knees tightly.

As he whipped away a stream of tears from his eyes, they landed on a small brown picture frame on Dan’s night table.

He picked it up and felt his shoulders soften as he saw that it was a picture that Dan had had taken when he had first come to visit Phil in Manchester all those years ago in that café. The night they met in person. The beginning of everything.

He felt his heart shatter.

This wasn’t fair. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Dan was so young.

You’re supposed to die old, wrinkled, satisfied, happy, surround by friends, family, and love. Not cold and alone, laying in some frozen city street bleeding and beaten.

Phil stopped…he felt a shiver pass down his spine as it dawned on him what Dan’s last moments had been like.

Dan had fled their home in a panic, been hit by a car and left for dead in the middle of a road, and died completely alone. All of this because Phil had started a fight…oh god…Dan’s last moments with Phil were a fight…fuck fuck oh fuck…Phil’s last words to Dan had been “you’re a fucking child.”

Phil heard something like a scream and a whimper fall out of his mouth as he wilted over and fell back onto the bed. Dan’s final memory of Phil was a fight. What if he walked away thinking that Phil hated him? What if Dan didn’t know how much he meant to Phil? Of course he didn’t…he never told him.

He let this sink in for hours, as he lay nearly comatose on the bed staring at the wall, watching the sun rays lower and lower as the day passed by.

It only took one moment to decide to stop with the self pity and to do something, and only a minute more to tweet and to open up a YouNow live stream.

Phil was pleased to see so many people excited to see him, but it only reminded him that he was about to ruin their days…

“Hey guys,” he rasped on a throat sore from sobbing and screaming

Tons of comments and responces shot out from the chat bu phil ignored them all and kept on talking.

“I have something to say, and…its not good.”

The chat seemed to silence.

“I really don’t know if I am going to be able to say this, because I’ve literally never had to anything so hard in my entire life but I promise I am going to try to make it through in one piece.”

The chat encouraged him to keep going, but they had softened their tone. They were scared but trying to support him.

“So…” Phil breathed in slowly and deeply before exhaling quickly and forcefully “this morning I woke up to a knock on my door.”

He could already feel the tears falling down his face. He tried not to look in the camera window, but was fully aware that between the pajamas, matted bed head, puffy read eyes spilling tears and his runny nose that he looked like an absolute mess.

“It was a police man who told me that last night Dan was killed in a hit and run.”

The chat stopped. No one dared to type a word.

“Dan’s dead, you guys.”

The chat exploded. Phil couldn’t even manage to read a single comment before it was washed away in flurry of others.

“He was only out because we fought last night…” Phil admitted weakly “It got intense and he left, and then he got hit by a car.”

His breathing was getting heavy and uneven.

“They said that they found him in the road alone some time after the accident.” Phil couldn’t think of any word besides miserable to describe himself

The chat hadn’t slowed down at all.

“Someone hit him, and left him there. No one called for help. No one tried to help him or hold him. They killed him and then they moved on and left him to die in the street.”

Phil was shaking now. His fists balled up and his nails piercing the skin of his palm.

“What kills me though…” Phil said building up courage “Is that he died during a fight and I’m not sure that in his last moments he remembered how much I loved him.”

That shut the chat up right quick.

“There I said it,” Phil said almost angrily “I loved him, and he loved me. Now he’s dead and now I cant have him.”

The hollowness in his chest spread through his body, numbness consumed him.

“Tell the people that you love, that you love them guys.” Phil said meekly his voice cracking “You can never do it enough, and you only get so long to do it. Sometimes its too late to remind them. Love is all we have in this world, don’t let it go to waste.”

With that he slammed his laptop shut and was alone in the apartment in a way that he never been before. Truly, truly alone.

Chapter Text

Anna didn’t seem to live very far away from where she found Dan. Though it was hard for him to tell as he could still feel himself slipping in and out of consciousness.

He remembered walking down a suburban street draped over her shoulder and feeling woozy, and then woke up in an unfamiliar living room wrapped in a blanket on couch.

“…What…where…” Dan muttered in a rising panic sitting forward on the sofa

“Don’t worry,” chided a familiar and comforting voice “I took you home with me, remember?”

Dan laid eyes on Anna and felt his stomach settle and his body easy back into the couch. She sat just slightly out of his view in a chair next to him holding a steaming mug of what smelled like coffee in her hands.

“Thanks for that again...”

She smiled.

“No problem, you were a pretty sorry sight, I would have been crazy to leave you out there.”

Dan laughed a little picturing how insane he must have looked last night sprawled out on the pavement ranting and shivering. As soon as he did though, he wished he hadn’t. He felt his ribs ache and send shooting pain through his nerves as soon as he let out the first chuckle. He winced.

Anna’s nose crinkled with concern and she looked him up to down.

“I wish you would let me take you to a hospital though.”

“No.” Dan insisted again recalling that cold dark room. “No hospitals.”

“Were you on the run or something? Are you wrapped up in something dangerous?” She seemed weary of him and scared of his answer, but there was something in her voice that hinted she almost wanted him to say yes just for the excitement

“I don’t know.”

She squinted her eyes. “What do you mean?”

Dan let out a sigh. How could he even begin to explain to someone else what he didn’t even understand himself?

“I don’t remember anything before waking up in a hospital.”

Her eyes widened and she seemed to choke for a moment on a sip of her coffee.

“Didn’t a nurse try to help you? Surely somewhere there knew who you were or why you were there?”

Dan sighed, “There was no one there. I was alone in a cold room surrounded my machines, I panicked and fled,” he shuttered recoiling at the memory “I don’t think I can handle going back.”

Anna’s face was uneasy but she nodded in understanding, seeing the pain on his face.

“Is that why you said you don’t have a name?” She asked him

“Yes. I honestly don’t know what it is.”

“Where did you come up with John then?”

He shrugged

“I think I saw it written on one of the metal doors in the room, on a tag.”

“There was just a tag that said ‘John’ on the wall? Maybe that was your doctor’s information?” She guessed, “Do you know the full name? It might help to know that.”

Dan thought back to the sign and felt a sudden rise in his heart rate just from picturing those steely doors and tables.

“John…Doe.” Dan decided hoping to rush out of this memory as fast as he could

Anna raised an eyebrow “Usually they give that name to people who die or come in unidentified to hospitals and police stations and stuff. Maybe they didn’t know who you were either?”

“I kind of think I was forgotten there.”

Her face fell.

“Well that probably means that your name isn’t John,” she decided “I mean it could be, but that’s pretty unlikely.”

She laughed a bit before standing up and putting her mug in the sink.

“Still it kind of suits you.”

“It does?” Dan asked

“Why not,” she shrugged “Do you want me to call you something else?”

“I don’t know what you would call me if I did.”

“Well maybe you’ll hear a name and it will just stick. You know? Like it will just feel right. Until then, I’m glad you’re feeling better John.”

For the first time since waking up Dan took a good look around Anna’s home. It was small and a little dirty, but it felt like a home. She didn’t have a TV in the room, just books and a pretty impressive looking speaker system.

“You like music?” Dan asked gesturing at the equipment

“Oh yeah!” she said, her eyes lighting up “I can barely afford rent here much less cable, a TV or Internet but I make do, music fills the silence. I have a great collection!”

Dan felt himself smile just watching her get excited about her music.

She walked over to a big tall CD tower in the corner and started searching through the stacks.

“Do people still listen to CDs?” Dan laughed watching her rifle through them

It was funny the sorts of things that he knew, and the things that he didn’t. He couldn’t remember his own name or how old he was, but he knew that CDs in this quantity were unusual and that it set him on edge that she didn’t have Internet.

“Not to be a total snob, but CDs are the single greatest medium for listening to music. Nothing else compares.”

Dan snorted “Not snobbish at all.”

“I’ve got some Beatles, Adele, Coldplay…” she scanned some more “Red Hot Chili Peppers, Muse, Taylo-“

“Wait what was that one?” Dan asked trying to sit forward again suddenly

“Muse?”

“Yeah, that one. I like that one.”

“How do you know?” She asked chuckling

“I don’t know, but I do. Do you have Origin of Symmetry?” he asked, the name rolling off his tongue with ease

She studied him for a moment before nodding and putting the CD in her speakers.

She kept watching him as the first track began to play. He didn’t notice at first, but he was humming along.

“You are an enigma John Doe.” She told him

“Don’t I know it.” He said lounging back into the couch and feeling oddly at ease.

Why did he know this song? Why did he know this album? Why did be know this band?

Internet, hospitals, the smell of coffee he knew those, but those were basic facts of life. Why was this album a basic fact of his life?

He didn’t know. But he was starting to figure out who had been and who he was. This was the first step forward.

Chapter Text

It had been a little over a week since Anna had found Dan on the side of that sidewalk. Since coming home with her Dan had begun to learn a couple more new things about himself.

Aside from liking Muse, he now knew that he had watched a lot of movies in his time. Whenever Anna would put a movie on Dan would somehow instinctively know what would happen which he assumed meant he had already seen it at some point.
He also seemed to prefer dark colors and black, anytime Anna would offer him a change of clothes from her ex-boyfriend’s wardrobe he would immediately pick the most depressingly colored shirt available.

But beyond those things he was still confused and foggy.

His physical wounds had for the most part healed up by this point though which was a positive. He found that he still walked with a bit of a limp and that his ribs were still sore despite his best efforts to keep his rib cage wrapped so it could heal.

Some of the trauma and anguish that he had developed since waking up was wearing off too. The first few days he had been terrified of leaving the living room much less the house, but just the other day he had gone out and retrieved the mail and even waved to a couple walking a dog down the street.

“Honestly, it’s impressive,” Anna told him with a grin “Your growth over these past few days, I mean.”

Dan smiled. He owed Anna a lot for trusting him and lending him help when he needed it most. It felt weirdly good to impress her and make her happy.

“Do you suppose you are ready to try to push it further?”

Dan’s smile fell.

“Uh…I-I mean like how so, how do you mean?” he stuttered feeling some nervous sweat on the back of his neck

“Don’t worry, nothing crazy,” she reassured him seeing his the fear on his face “I just wondered if maybe you’d want to go into town or something? It might be good for you to have a look around and see if anything looks familiar. There’s no reason to assume you’re not from around here, you might have even lived near by, something might jog your memory.”

“Maybe just somewhere simple to start?” Dan suggested trying not to show his discomfort through comprise

“Sure!” Anna said excitedly “What about just a quick trip to a local grocery store or something?”

Dan smiled anxiously “Yeah, sounds good.”

“I know this is hard,” Anna said resting a hand on his shoulder “but honestly this is a good step forward. I’m proud of you John.”

He nodded.

She smiled and waltzed off to change and get ready.

Dan was already dressed but took a quick stop in the bathroom while he waited to check his hair.

He stood in front of the mirror just like he had done so many times already. He saw his face and it didn’t shock him. He didn’t feel confused looking at himself; that was his face, he did know that. He knew what he looked like deep down, but it was still strange to look in the mirror and in the strictest sense not recognize the person staring back.

He wondered if the fading black and purple bruises on his face made him look different. He didn’t really have anything to compare himself too. He did know that he needed a haircut though. He preferred his hair shorter and it was just slightly too shaggy at the moment. Maybe that’s why he didn’t recognize himself? Maybe he had had the same haircut for years, and without it he didn’t recognize himself? Or was that a crazy and entirely too hopeful guess.

“Ready?” Anna’s voice rang out from outside the bathroom

“Yeah!” Dan called back catching one last glimpse at this person in the mirror on his way out

It was a short walk into town thankfully. He was still sore and aching so he wasn’t sure he could make it that much longer.

It was a fairly busy little downtown with people bustling around, all going about their day. All of them knew who they were and what they were doing, Dan thought, they didn’t have to question everything about themselves. They knew who they were.

Anna guided Dan into the shop. His arm was wrapped around hers for help; she was like a human walking-cane. Supporting him with every step.

“I think I’ll try to find a bench and rest for a bit,” Dan suggested “I’m a bit tired after the walk.”

Anna nodded understandingly and promised to come find him once she had finished shopping around.

For close to 20 minutes Dan sat on that hard wooden bench before boredom got the best of him. He stood up and took a quick peak down a few aisles as he made his way around the store.

He passed through a few of the lanes and around some of the shoppers, none of them minding him or even giving him the slightest bit of notice.

It did make him wonder though. If any of these people did know him, would they say? Would they come up to him and say ‘Hi’? Or would they just see him and go about their business without ever telling him that they saw him. It would be a special moment for him, but a regular everyday moment for everyone else. How could he be sure that anyone here knew him at all?

It was then that he turned a corner and bumped into a young girl, about 16 years of age he guessed.

“Oh, sorry.” He said ducking around her

“Don’t worry abou-“ she stopped in her tracks when she looked up at him and squinted

Dan felt himself step backwards in response. It was strange, as if she was studying him.

Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped.

“Dan?” she said completely dumbfounded and breathless

“Huh?” he stammered “Sorry, what was that?”

“Dan.” She said again more firmly her big eyes still full of disbelief

What was she talking about? Was he Dan?

Did she recognize him? Did he know her? He felt his heart pound a hard beat and blood shoot through his veins pumped full of adrenaline. He didn’t know why but he felt his breathing stagger. His mouth went dry and his head started to spin.

If she did know him then maybe he did have someone left. But would they want him back? Why hadn’t they come looking for him yet? Maybe they didn’t want him. Maybe the people in his life were the reason he was in this situation. Part of Dan knew that he was being paranoid, but he couldn’t stop his mind from wandering to the worse conclusions.

“I’m sorry, I don’t…I mean, I uh, I think you’re confused.” He said in a hurry and pushed passed her rushing away as fast as he could. He felt his vision go a little blurry and his head get light and fuzzy.

Was this a panic attack?

It was in that haze that he ran quite literally into Anna.

“Oh!” she exclaimed startled “Oh, its just you John, you ready to go?”

He nodded quickly looking back over his shoulder at that girl who was just now pushing her way out of the busy aisle and staring at him.

“Are you okay?” Anna asked concerned looking at his hot and red face “You don’t look so good?”

“I think I’m having a panic attack.” He said weakly between shallow segmented breaths

Anna nodded. “Lets get you home.”

With grocery bags in tote she took him by the arm and led him away from the store.

“I’m sorry if I pushed you,” she said “We’ll take it slower next time!”

He nodded silently glancing behind him one more time just to see the girl standing in the doorway of the store watching him. He watched her pull out her phone and he spun around in a panic knowing full and well what she was about to do, just in time for her to snap a blurry picture of him rushing away.

Chapter Text

This had been the hardest month of Phil’s entire life.

Nothing else compared to this.

He couldn’t remember a time when he felt so alone. But then again as of recent he couldn’t even remember the last time that he had left his house.

To say that he had fallen into a depression was being light on the subject. Most days he didn’t leave bed. Days when he did, were spent on the sofa.

Somehow everything in the apartment reminded him of Dan, he couldn’t stand it. But he also couldn’t bear to move any of it, pack it up, or god forbid throw it out.
Those were Dan’s things and no matter how much pain they caused him to look at, they had been his and they were a constant reminder that Dan Howell had been here. They reminded Phil that Dan had lived and been happy once and had a good life. These were the things that Dan had cherished and the things that made his life what it was. Phil couldn’t destroy that.

Phil generally preferred not to think about death. He thought it was scary and he preferred happy things. Because the darker parts of life tended to swallow him whole when he let them. Whenever Dan fell into existential crises Phil had always done his best to avoid falling into one too. But these past few weeks had been harder than usual to avoid those sorts of feelings. He couldn’t seem to get it out of his head that Dan Howell had been alive and thriving, and then a moment later he was gone into the abyss.

No…he had to stop thinking like that.

Phil wasn’t sure if he believed in an afterlife or not, but for Dan’s sake he sure hoped for one. Maybe one day he would get a chance to say sorry and tell Dan how he really felt again. Maybe that was just him being hopeful though… hell maybe it was even guilt. Phil didn’t know. He just knew that Dan was dead, and no matter what he did or wished for, that would stay true.

Friends and family tried to surround Phil but he couldn’t help but push them all away. They all told him that he should try to move on, but he didn’t want to move on. He didn’t think that he ever could.

Phil had also broken a somewhat sacred rule.

The rule always was that you should never, ever Google yourself. Usually nothing good can ever come from it. Usually it resulted in worryingly good artwork portraying the more intimate part of their relationship or fanfics of the same nature that gave him nightmares. But now that he didn’t have Dan to talk to, he caught himself looking him up online now and then just to remember what it was like back when he had.

Aside from that though for the most part he had been avoiding the Internet. He knew that the world was still spinning but pretending that it wasn’t for some reason seemed to help.

It was however on this day that he broke that fast and allowed himself to scroll through his twitter feed while he was lounged on his couch wearing the same pajamas 3 days in a row now.

There was something oddly normal about it which was nice. But deep down he felt uncomfortable for going back to normal even for just a moment and each time he felt himself smiling at a post or laughing at a picture and corrected himself and kept going.

When he was finally caught up on his feed he took a look at the comments on one of his own posts and came across something odd. Many of the responses were the usual kind words and gestures or the also usual crude posts calling him nicknames that he did not prefer being called. But one post in general struck him as strange.

“@aliv3insuburbia: CHECK OUT THIS POST. DAN HOWELL FOUND ALIVE. INTERNET STAR PRESUMED DEAD FOUND SPOTTED AT LOCAL GROCCERY STORE”

He felt his brow furrow and he sat forward a bit leaning into his phone just to check and see if he was reading that right.

He wasn’t sure what exactly it was that this made him feel. Initially his heart jumped and he was filled with joy, but then he felt that melt away and he realized that he was mad.

Usually he didn’t mind conspiracy theories online, in fact most of the time he bought into them which had always made Dan laugh call him gullible. But this time he knew it was too good to be true. He knew that the fans were just as hopeful as he was that some horrible mistake had been made, but he couldn’t stop himself from feeling angry. He just felt like it was disrespectful for them to take his boyfriend’s death and use it for Internet views and likes.

He also knew that the more he let himself hope and dream and fall into these pitfalls, the longer it would take to do what he knew he eventually would have to doo no matter how much he didn’t want to—move on.

“Just leave him be.” Phil whispered with tears in his eyes

He traced back the tweet to the original poster fairly quickly and sent the blogger a message asking her to take down her post and respect Dan’s death as they had his life.

He pressed send.

He soon found himself staring at a picture of Dan that he had saved on his phone. Looking in Dan’s eyes Phil knew that just this once he couldn’t let himself be drawn in. He wouldn’t let Dan’s memory or his legacy be used like this.

Dan Howell was dead. That was his new truth. No matter how much he wanted it not to be true, it was. To ignore that would be to ignore the end of Dan’s life, the end of his story. And what a great story it had been...

Phil had always been positive and had believed in having hope, but just this once he let himself let go of his hope, and accept reality instead.

Looking at that picture one more time he felt a tear slide down his cheek as he pressed his lips against his screen.

“I love you Dan, then, now, and forever,” Phil said suddenly sobbing “…Goodbye.”

He tapped Delete and watched Dan disappear one final time for good.

Chapter Text

It had been about two weeks since the incident at the grocery store. Dan had finally calmed down about the whole ordeal, but he still hadn’t told Anna about it, and he still couldn’t get it out of his head. He just kept repeating that name again and again ‘Dan’.

It didn’t feel wrong on his tongue, but it didn’t totally feel right either. Not that he really knew what being called your own name should feel like, but he hoped it felt safe and like home. Maybe he wasn’t Dan then after all? He felt his heart beat a small accented beat at that thought. For some reason it took pressure off of his chest, it made him happy.

He felt a sudden cramp of unease grow in his stomach. For the passed two months he had been desperately searching for some sort of scrap of his old life, of who he was, or of what he had to go back to. And here he was relieved at the prospect of crossing off his one lead. What did that mean?

Just then he heard the front door open and Anna come in. He looked at the clock and saw that it was after 4 and so she was just getting out of work for the day.

He got up to meet her finally sitting up with out wincing.

“John!” she said excitedly “Hey how was your day?”

He felt himself laugh, “Fine I guess, literally didn’t do a thing.”

She laughed too “No change then.”

He unexpectedly felt a twinge of guilt shoot up his throat.

“Yeah.” He said

He couldn’t help but think of himself as a massive imposition on her. She worked long hours and daily shifts and then came back to him who hadn’t done a thing all day. He knew that that has got to be frustrating.

“You look better today.” She said taking off her jacket

“You think?”

“Definitely, every day is an improvement from the first day let me tell you.”

He laughed a little uncomfortably.

“Anna?” He said just as she ducked into the opposing hallway

“Yeah?” She said popping her head back in

“I know having me here is got to be hard for you, and I honestly don’t want to be a burden on you. You’ve been so kind to me and I wouldn’t want to take advantage of that.” He said quickly letting it all out

Her face dropped “What are you saying?”

“I’m just saying that I don’t want to make your life harder than it has to be, and I sincerely want you to tell me when I have overstayed your already too kind welcome,” he shifted a bit “I can walk better now and so maybe I could get out of your hair if you need me to.”

As he said it he felt his eyes film over with hot tears. He was scared, truly. This was the only home he knew and he felt happy and safe here and the last thing he wanted to do was leave, but he couldn’t stand the idea of himself being a nuisance to the one person who had ever showed him any kindness.

He worried that she would accept too quickly and send him packing but as he lifted up his head he saw that the color had drained from her face and that her eyes looked miserable.

“Y-you want to leave?” she said meekly

Suddenly Dan couldn’t think of what to say.

“Only if you want me to.”

Her head lifted.

“I don’t.”

“Are you sure?” Dan asked taken aback

“You are not a burden.” She said almost disgusted by the word

Dan felt his shoulders fall and his muscles relax as he let go of his a breath that he hadn’t realized until now he was holding.

“John you were in some kind of horrible accident and lost your entire life in one night. I can’t imagine what that is like so don’t you dare tell me you are a burden on my life. I’ll be fine no matter what; I’m worried about you. I do what I can but I wish I could do more.”

“No!” he insisted, “You have done everything humanly possible to help me.” He knew that that wasn’t entirely true though but as he thought that the image of that Hospital sign flashed in his memory and he felt a shutter serge through him like a volt of cold electricity.

“Plus…” she said before trailing off and then shaking her head to ignore her

“What?” He asked stepping forward

“Plus, I like having you around here. I like having someone to come home to, someone I like.”

He smiled and took another step forward into her arms and gave her a hug.

As he backed away her lingering touch didn’t even cross his mind nor did the sudden redness of her face.

“Um…anyway…I was going to go to the Library later,” she stuttered a bit “It’s a Thursday evening so it should be pretty dead, thought maybe you would want to join me?”

Dan didn’t want a repeat of the grocery store incident but something in him told him to go.

“Yeah of course, lets go.”

It was the same short walk that had brought them into town the first time but this time they passed the grocery store and went up another block and took a left to find a small and old brick building with a sign declaring that it was the Library.

They walked inside and the smell was warm and comfortable like any good library he assumed.

“I’m gonna go check and see if my requests came in yet.” She said letting go of his arm

“I think I’ll just have a look around.”

She nodded encouragingly at him and went over to the front desk.

After walking through a few rows of book shelves and flipping through a few interesting novels on display—some of which he had already seen on Anna’s shelves at home—he saw something that he definitely had never seen at Anna’s. A computer.

When Anna had said that she didn’t have WiFi or a computer it had made Dan uneasy and anxious so the sudden sight of one sent strangely familiar butterflies through his stomach.

He shook the mouse attached to the old desktop and opened up a tab.

He couldn’t think of a sing thing to check. He didn’t know if he had had any social media accounts before all of this and he wouldn’t have known how to find them if he had. But one thought did nag him a bit, that word, that name clawing at he back of his mind like an annoying little animal scratching to get in. Dan. This might be his only chance for a while to see if it meant anything, it was a small lead if one at all and it still scared him but he felt his fingers reach out and type the name with ease into a search bar almost as if it was second nature to him.

Obviously it was vague and all sorts of things started to show up, he didn’t know what he was looking for and he felt himself already starting to give up and ready to log off when one thing caught his attention.

“Dan Howell Web Celeb aka Danisnotonfire pronounced dead at 25”

Something about that nickname stuck a chord with him and sent him reeling and cringing at the same time the way only something real could. Curiosity began to grow until it was unbearable.

He clicked the link and suddenly a picture of his own face flashed up onto the screen.

He stifled a small yelp as he shot backwards in the desk chair.

That was him.

He felt a wave of emotion pour over him so fast and so forcefully that he couldn’t even begin to comprehend what most of them were.

That was him! He was Dan Howell. He was a Web Celeb. He was 25. And he was…ead.

What? No! That can’t be right. What did that mean? That couldn’t possibly be real.

He read another similar article that he found after searching his full name and found a story about him dying in a car accident. He felt tears well up in his eyes again, but then felt it racing heart pound to a screeching halt as his eyes fell on the line “he is survived by his co-creator and boyfriend of 7 years Phil Lester.”

He had a boyfriend. Someone who loved him, someone like that existed, they were real.

Next thing he knew he had typed Phil Lester into the search bar and was lead to a page on YouTube called Amazingphil. A pale and black-haired man came onto the screen and Dan felt his heart to a flip.

Dan slipped a pair of headphones from the desk on and watched intensely as the man talked. His voice was soft and warm and so so familiar. Dan did know him, he was sure of it.

As the video he was watching came to an end a fast blooper hidden after the end screen flashed up of Phil laughing and a voice laughing behind the camera as well and then “Oh come on, shut up Dan!” Phil giggled collapsing on his bed in a fit of laughter.

Dan felt a shiver shoot up his spine this time his frost and ice.

He replayed that part of the video and he felt it again. His chest felt warm and he could feel a smile on his face.

He played it again and again. Each time growing more and more certain that that name was his own. When he had heard it before, it meant nothing, it was another word in a sea of millions, but when he heard it in the voice of this man on his screen, it was home. It was everything he had ever hoped for. He was Dan, that was Phil and he had a home after all.

Chapter Text

Did he really love me?

Did we have plans for the future?

How did we meet?

Did I love him back?

Dan couldn’t seem to stop asking questions after they returned from the library. He still hadn’t told Anna yet, he wasn’t sure but some part of him felt like it was a secret, and any time to built up the courage to tell her, it fell apart in the moment of reckoning.

So instead of out searching for Phil, Dan was laying in bed wrapped in the darkness and the silence. About two weeks after being found, Anna had offered Dan the guest room so he could get off of the couch, and he had been more than glad to take it. He knew as soon as he had a door that he could shut, he was a private kind of person. He didn’t mind to be alone. But now thinking of Phil and the warmth that he had felt even hearing his voice, Dan found himself wishing that they could be alone together.

He kept picturing Phil’s face until the image in his head started to go blurry and the sound of his voice started to fade from memory. It was like some awful tragic kind of loop, the more he tried to remember the more and more he lost what he wanted to know. He longed to go back to the library and look again, but there was still some part of him that was a victim to what he had been through, and that part of him got anxious anytime he left the house. It had been a fairly good repellent for him so far.

He tried to picture his voice and face again, smiling and rolling over in the bed.

“But, I could overcome it for you, I feel like I could overcome anything for you.” He said aloud in a hushed whisper just to himself

The next morning Dan woke up with a smile on his face.

As he got ready he looked his reflection in the eyes as he stood in front of the mirror, all of that doubt and that questioning started to melt away.

“Dan.” He said aloud looking into his eyes even deeper

It didn’t sound right. He couldn’t put his finger on in, but even though he knew that was his name, why didn’t he feel like himself when he said it?

He leaned in and took a deep breath.

“Your name is Dan.” He said a bit more forcefully

“John?” Came Anna’s voice through the walls downstairs

He felt his head turn immediately responding to the call seamlessly and naturally.

“Yeah?” he called back suddenly aware that deep in his head he had accepted being John already, being Dan wasn’t what he knew.

What did that mean? Was he John now? Was he still Dan if he didn’t know who that was?

He had spent so long thinking of himself as being who he used to be, but what if he was just himself? There was no past self to become again, who ever he was, he already was. He was himself not some other person that he had to try to remember. He was John. But he was also Dan. One person who now had two lives, two identities, and two completely different lives.

“Breakfast is ready!” Anna’s voice shook Dan out of his trance and he suddenly broke his steady line of vision and turned towards the door, he glanced once more back at his reflection on the way out.

“Wow!” Dan said coming into the kitchen and seeing pancakes and bacon spread out on the table. He was more of a cereal and toast kind of guy, but it looked incredible.

“I went a little bit overboard, I was just gonna make some eggs and toast but it sort of didn’t turn out that way.” She laughed pouring herself a cup of coffee and then taking a seat at the table

About 10 minutes into breakfast they were both going in for seconds and Dan could feel something slightly tense in the air. Usually, Anna was talkative and excited about everything, but today she was unusually quite despite seeming to still be in good spirits.

“You okay?” He asked her sipping at his cup of tea

She seemed to bite her lip a bit and then shift in her seat for a second before letting go of a hard breath.

Dan raised an eyebrow.

“I’ve just been thinking about…like just stuff.”

“Right…?”

“With you mostly.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, I’ve been putting some thought into what is maybe in store for the future, since you’ve been around here for so long.” Her face was a bright sort of reddish color, but that detail didn’t seem to strike Dan as strange, in face he barely seemed to register it at all.

“Yeah, you know I have too actually.” He said suddenly attempting again to build up the courage to tell Anna about everything that he had been thinking about lately.

“You have?” Anna asked a sudden flurry of thrill in her slightly heightened voice

“Yeah, I had been thinking about like who I used to be versus who I am and how like they’re really the same person,” he explained “How that means that I had a life before this and this life at the same time, I’ve been thinking a lot about what that means for me.”

“Yeah, I’ve thought of that too,” Anna admitted nervously “I was thinking about, like, what it means since you’ve been around for so long and if like its time maybe to get your life back on track, moving forward.”

“Yeah!” Dan said suddenly thinking of Phil again feeling butterflies in his stomach at the thought of finding Phil again and getting his life back on track. He want sure when exactly he had mad the choice about which life he wanted, but his mind jumped first to that man with the dark hair and blue eyes, that must mean something.

They both smiled brightly locking eyes, they breathed in at the same time and both burst out in unison.

“I think I’m in love with you. I want you to live with me, permanently.”

“I found out who I am, and I need to go find my boyfriend.”

They both trailed off into awkward silence before both bursting out again at the same time in the same tone.

“What?!”

Chapter Text

“But that’s what I’ve been doing lately,” Phil said staring directly into the camera lens “Tell me if you guys have done anything like that in the past down in the comments! I’ll see you guys later!”

Phil lurched forward and covered the camera with his hands comically while almost falling off his bed in the process.

This was the second video he had made since Dan died and he had to admit it felt pretty good. He was frankly doing better than he ever thought he would again. Those first few days and weeks were incredibly dark and it was hard to even imagine a light on the other end much less see one, yet here he was bathed in it.

He still missed Dan with all his heart, and he still didn’t dare to think about finding someone else but his day to day had started to finally get back on track. As hard as letting go of Dan had been, he knew it had been he right thing for him to do. If he hadn’t, then there is no way that he ever could have moved on at all.

He had tweeted a few times since everything had happened too, and it was nice to see some level of normalcy on there as well it helped him to mimic it and embrace it. Though one thing that he saw almost every day on his feed continued to bother him and nag at the back of his brain.

That one prank post he had had taken down claiming to have seen Dan alive hadn’t died the way he had hoped it would. He still saw posts about it and he was pretty sure something like #DanIsAlive trended at one point on twitter, though he had made a special point of staying away from that particular tag. He knew that it was just hope mixed with a pretty strong sense of denial that fueled rumors like this, but if he let himself hope again then maybe he would undo all of the progress that he had made. He was not about to start walking backwards now.

As he closed up his camera and plugged it in to his computer to start the video download process he found a sudden flicker of hope in his stomach but did his best to brush it off. He was a hopeful optimistic kind of person usually, but he had made a conscious decision this time not to be, and he fully planned to stick to it.

He got up to make some tea as the download bar popped up and displayed an estimated wait time to 3 hours.

He didn’t like to be without his computer for the long stretches of time that it took to download videos or process videos for uploading, but he had his phone at least and so he took that with him to the kitchen, sliding it in his back pocket.

He filled and turned on the kettle and then began sorting through a small tin of tea bags when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.

He picked it up and tapped the notification for a new email. As someone who did all of their business online and essentially lived online he got hundreds of emails in a normal week but as it loaded he noticed that he didn’t recognize the address. His first thought was that it was a virus but right as about to delete the email icon loaded fully and displayed a portion of the enclosed message, which he noticed, included his name in it. Either this was a particularly clever virus or it was actually for him.

“Hi Phil,

I got a message from you online a few weeks ago and have been mulling over if I should respond or not for a while now but I finally decided that I would.

I was the one that began the rumors about Dan being found alive and I was the one that you asked to take down my photos…”

Phil felt a sudden wave of unease wash over him

“…But I genuinely think that you should look at the pictures. I took them myself and I can personally vouch for their authenticity. Either Dan is alive and I not only saw him but also talked to him, or he has a twin brother none of us ever knew about. I can promise you that there was no malice intended in my posts and I never meant to upset you, but I and many others who have joined together to create this tag genuinely believe that Dan is alive and out there still some where. You should look at the evidence that we have gathered and decide for yourself.”

Phil looked over at his kettle seeing that it still had some time to go before it was at a boil—desperately hoping for something to distract him so he wouldn’t click the link—but no such luck. He turned back to his phone and tapped the link.

If someone was this sure and this passionate even if he didn’t want to believe surely there was no harm to checking. In all likeliness after all it would just be grainy shots and bad Photoshop mixed together with crazed theories and conspiracies, it would confirm once and for all that this was a hoax and then he could finally move on for sure without that tag nagging him day in and day out.

The first picture that loaded was an admittedly foggy picture of a tall man with dark hair walking away in a hurry in what looked like a grocery store parking lot. Phil peered in and while he knew very well that he was already dead set against believing anything on this page he did have to admit that that silhouette definitely did match Dan. It was slightly uncanny.

He shook off that feeling and scrolled past a brief explanation of the picture explaining that the OP had run into him in a store and that he had apparently rushed off refusing to talk or acknowledge who he was at all. It was pointed out that if he were truly not Dan why didn’t he just say so? Phil almost found himself agreeing which he already knew would be dangerous.

Then another blogger’s post appeared under the first picture that explained that she had seen a similar looking man while out on a walk in her cousin’s neighborhood. He had apparently been getting mail. She didn’t recognize him at first, she claimed, because she thought he was dead. But later recalled the moment and realized that that man fetching the mail ‘could be none other than Dan Howell.’

Phil felt his heart rate rising and his face growing red. He felt a flurry of anger and of hope, and some anger at that hope admittedly. He was about to exit the post and retrieve his kettle as it came to a boil, but one last post caught his eye as he wa trying to set his phone down.

This poster claimed that she had seen Dan at her local library with a young woman about his age. She explained that she had come across him as he was surfing the internet on a computer but was too afraid to confront him so only held back and snapped a picture without him knowing from behind a book shelf.

Phil first laughed about the idea that Dan had come back from the dead only to go online, but then felt something weird as he re read the sentence about him being there with a young woman. There had been a woman with him in the parking lot picture too. What did that mean? Why was he feeling jealous?

“So what,” Phil said almost too intensely “there’s a guy that looks like Dan, you guys are crazy.”

He felt the edge in his voice and regretted it immediately.

He looked in closely at the library photo and while it wasn’t an HD picture by any means it was better than the parking lot one, and Phil could see again that this man had the same general figure as Dan and the same hair and skin color. His hair was a bit shaggier in this last picture but…it did look like him.

He zoomed in and felt his heart stop. His world slowed and he felt a shiver shoot down his spine.

He blinked for a moment in complete disbelief. No fucking way. He rubbed his eyes furiously then blinked away the tears.

He looked back in, his eyes settling on the slightly dark shape on display on the lower back of the person in the picture where his shirt had ridden up when he sat.

He knew that birthmark. He had lived with that mark. He had loved that birthmark.

He felt his brow furrow as he realized that he was unable to tear his eyes away from that picture, that birthmark, even as his kettle now boiled over spilling steaming water all over the counter top.

His breath was gone. He felt a flurry of something warm yet scary shoot through him, it was a feeling he knew but that he thought he had closed himself off to—hope.

“Dan?” He heard himself say in absolute disbelief “Oh my god…you’re alive.”

Chapter Text

There was a sudden beat of silence.

Dan felt his own face turn red, and he watched as Anna’s did too.

He couldn’t think of a single thing to say. He felt some level of relief in the fact that Anna was just as speechless as he was.

She forced her eyes to the floor away from Dan’s and then sucked in a breath.

“What do you mean you know who you are?” She asked still avoiding his eyes

Dan swallowed and ignored a strange drip of sweat falling down the back of his neck.

“I’ve been piecing it together for a little while now,” he admitted “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to say anything or admit it was real, until…well until I knew for sure that it was.”

“When did this start?”

“That day at the grocery store, I ran into a girl down one of the aisles who knew me. She called me “Dan” and looked at me like she knew for sure who I was,” Dan explained “I wasn’t sure it was anything concrete until I had a chance to look into it a bit more that day at the library, on one of the computers. I searched the name Dan, not expecting much. But I found myself.”

“Dan…” she tried out the new name on her tongue. She seemed conflicted about it at first but sighed and forced a smile “it’s a nice name, suits you.”

‘Thanks.” Dan said letting out a laugh at the sheer awkwardness of the moment

“How did you find yourself? That’s a really common name after all.” Her brow was furrowed

“It took a minute for sure,” he confessed “But apparently I was well known online before the accident

“How so?”

“I made videos for a site called YouTube. Apparently that’s what I did for a career. I had quite a following it seemed from what I was able to find in my brief time online again.”

“What did you learn about yourself?” she asked seemly warming to the idea out of necessity rather than preference

“I live here in London, but back in the city,” he said trying to remember what exactly he had read, “I’m 25, I used to be on the radio I think…and well…and I have a boy friend out there.”

That sentence in particular cause Anna to set her jaw harshly and stubbornly.

“So you’re gay?” she asked bluntly

Dan was immediately taken aback. He hadn’t even really given it any thought. He didn’t really care if he was or not, regardless he could feel deep in himself that he loved Phil and that went beyond “gay” or “bi” or any other label he could conjure.

“I-I don’t know,” he stuttered out still caught off guard “I don’t really think I even put much into finding a label for myself and I am not about to start now, all I know is that I love him and he’s is out there missing me.”

Anna’s face softened a bit when she heard the shaking in Dan’s voice.

“Alright…” she said relaxing her crossed arms and face all the way “What does he think happened to you?”

There was that sound of kindness and caring in her voice again. Dan felt a sigh of relief.

That went away though as soon as he remembered his reading again.

“I think…I think that he thinks I’m dead.” Dan said feeling his eyes tear up and his shoulders fall

“Oh, love don’t worry. It’ll be okay.” She promised rushing over to give him a hug

“I just can’t imagine leaving him thinking that for so long. He must have been devastated…” Dan said before immediately jumping to the worst confusion in his head “Oh god, what if he moved on?? You don’t suppose he would would he?”

Anna gave him a sympathetic half smile despite the sadness behind her eyes.

“I don’t think that there is a person alive who could move on from you so quickly.” She said purposefully leaving out that she knew because she could feel that she wouldn’t anytime soon either

“We have to find him.” Dan said with an air of renewed urgency

“Okay, we will.” She promised already resigned to losing him, yet putting on her jacket and opening the front door to leave.

She turned back to Dan.

“You coming or what?”

A few minutes later they were on a bus heading into the city. They didn’t really know where to start, as no place online that found had been able to confirm anything about where he had lived previously. Though if he really was some kind of celebrity online, maybe that was a good thing.

“We’ll get into one of the more residential areas and just start walking,” she suggested to Dan sitting next to her “Maybe something will start to look familiar.”

“I hope so.” Dan said wistfully

But of him was getting whiplash. Earlier today he was considering even telling Anna about Phil, and now they were on their way to find him. It was all happening so fast. Dan could feel his stomach doing flips and twisting around. To say that he was scared and overwhelmed would be an understatement. He tried to stop himself from jumping to more conclusions or imagining awful situations to return to, but his mind was roaming and he couldn’t seem to reel it back in.

He turned to Anna and then remembered her confession from breakfast and felt his heart fell.

“Hey Anna?” he asked trying to be polite “About what you said earlier…”

“Don’t worry about it.” She said quickly and almost sharply

He nodded and turned back to staring across the buss through he window in the other side.

“I was confused and swept up and stuff,” she said under her breath breeching the subject that she herself had just closed “I love having you around Joh-…Dan, I mean. I’m sorry. I had just gotten so used to having you around and you were always to nice and you just became part of my life, I didn’t want to imagine my life without you there and I confused that with love. I’m sorry.”

“Anna you have nothing to apologize for,” Dan promised reaching over and taking her hand “I should have been more honest with you as I started to learn more about myself…I was just scared by it and I didn’t want to bother you. This is my fault.”

“You’re wrong, but I appreciate you saying it.” She laughed

There was an undeniable fondness in her voice that Dan noticed for the first time.

“If it helps, I do love you Anna,” he said grasping her hand in his own “Just not that way.”

“It wasn’t fair for me to expect anything from you,” she said acceptingly “I never wanted to take advantage of you and I should have been helping you to find out more about your life, not hording you to myself. That was selfish and I’m so sorry Dan.”

“I’m really glad I met you.” Dan said

“Likewise,” Anna said before giggling and adding without missing a beat “Now, lets go get your life back and find you your boyfriend.”

Chapter Text

Once they had hit a more residential area they exited the bus and began their walk down the first sidewalk they could find. It was definitely a more sleepy side of town but traffic did seem to move through fairly quickly. After just a few moments of walking, an ambulance sped past and Dan felt a weird sort of dizzy feeling in his head.

“Are you alright?” Anna said grabbing his arm to help him stand steady

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” He assured her closing his eyes and regaining his balance

“What was that?” She asked still looking at him with worried concern

“I don’t know,” he admitted “I had a kind of dizzy spell after I heard that ambulance siren.”

Anna turned to look down the road and watched the ambulance disappear down the street.

“Weird…” she mused for a moment “Maybe your house is off of a road with a lot of sirens” She suggested

“Do you think?”

“I’m no expert on memory loss Dan, but maybe that dizzy spell came on because you were remembering something vivid.”

Dan thought for a moment and replayed the siren noise in his head only to find that it did seem familiar. It gave him a strange sense of annoyance.

“I think it makes me mad.” He said almost laughing

“So you live hear A LOT of sirens then.” Anna laughed releasing Dan’s arm so he could stand freely

“Well its something.” Dan said with a shrug

It wasn’t the clue that was going to crack their search for his home wide open, but he would take anything at this point. The thought of finding Phil again just filled him with determination and it gave him something warm to look forward to.

They kept walking down the street.

Dan made a point of looking at ever bench, sidewalk crack, and bush they walked past. Something else would look familiar, there had to be something that would jog his memory.

This determination and resolve began to fade as the afternoon ran on. London was a big city, he knew that so he wasn’t sure why exactly he was surprised that they hadn’t found Phil or his home on their first try but he was and left a sour taste in his mouth.

Anna seemed to be feeling the same. Dan knew that this wasn’t her ideal afternoon to begin with, but the long walks up and down street after street would be exhausting for anyone.

It was then that Dan’s eyes fell on a park up ahead and across the road. He saw a lunch cart parked just by the entrance and feeling his own stomach growl, he suggested they break for lunch in the park.

Anna agreed and sent him to scout out prime seating in the grass while she picked out food.

As soon as he stepped foot in this park Dan felt a warm sense of comfort come over him. It wasn’t so much the same dizziness he had felt earlier, but it did seem familiar. He liked being here, but this wasn’t exact in his memory. He felt a bit like he was following a compass that was cracked and damaged while also never having been given lessons on how to read it.

He was following instincts.

Right now, his instincts were telling him that he liked parks, and he was used to them—maybe even lived near one—but this wasn’t it.

Somewhat defeated he collapsed down onto the grass in a shady patch with full view of the expansive green space.

He looked over and saw Anna at the front of the line just finishing their order. He smiled and turned back to his view of picnicking couples and almost enough dogs.

After a moment Dan started to get a weird feeling in his stomach. It was an uneasy sort of feeling, like he was being watched. He started to look around but didn’t see anything out of the ordinary.

“Nice seating choice.” Anna’s voice rang as she came over to join him in the shade holding cups of coffee and paper wrapped sandwiches

“Thanks.” He said taking a sandwich from her and taking a sip of his hot bitter drink

He couldn’t put it out of his mind though, he didn’t feel comfortable or at ease. Had he seen something and his subconscious was trying to tell him? Had he ignored something important? He didn’t know. But it was like someone was trying to tell him in not so many words.

“You alright?” Anna asked taking a bite of her sandwich and watching Dan’s uneasy expression closely

“Yeah…” he said, “I just…do you ever get that feeling that someone is watching you?”

She seemed surprised by the question but answered anyway

“Sometimes, usually I’m imagining it though.”

Dan nodded. He didn’t feel like he was making it up though.

He looked back at the parkland. He started looking specifically for something, anything out of the ordinary.

He started looking at animals, then behaviors and even faces until something started to stand out.

He noticed that across the park there were two people sitting on a blanket doing the same as him, only they were both staring at him.

He felt a bead of sweat start falling down his neck.

They were too far away to recognize fully but he could see that one was a man about his age, and the other was a woman. The man had curly brown hair and the woman was blonde. They were both very interested in him.

Dan swallowed.

“Are those two people looking at us?” Dan asked Anna gesturing to them without being too obvious

Anna squinted and then scrunched up her face

“…Yeah I think they are…” she said suddenly sounding as unnerved as he was

It was then that Dan turned back and accidentally locked eyes with the man. They stared at each other for a moment before the other man’s mouth dropped and said something very quickly to the woman next to him.

Dan felt his stomach start to twist before going into almost full panic as he watched the man stand up and run over to them.

“They’re coming over here…” Dan said watching them run, anxiety rising in his voice

“I see that.” Anna said pulling out her cellphone in case she needed to call for help

The man started waving his arms around excitedly and yelling what only became clear, as he got closer.

“Dan!!” He screamed so loud his voice cracked from strain

Dan turned reactively to Anna and they exchanged a glance before he shot to his feet just in time for the man to run up and wrap him in a binding hug.

“What the fuck!?” He heard himself yell as he was nearly tackled to the ground

“Dan!” the man yelled breaking the hug and studying Dan’s face closely “Oh, my god I don’t believe it.”

Dan didn’t know what to say or even how to react.

“Hi.” He said

The other man laughed seemingly overjoyed and overwhelmed at the sight of Dan.

“Hi.” He chuckled returning Dan’s expression

“What the hell man,” the man said “I had heard some crazy things online and from Phil but I didn’t really believe you were still alive.”

Dan felt redness shoot into his cheeks.

“Phil!” Dan exclaimed his heart beating through his ears “You know Phil?”

The other man’s expression changed. His brow furrowed and he took a step backwards.

“Yeah of course Dan,” he said slowly “We’ve been best friends for years…”

Dan’s head was blank. He couldn’t seem to place a name to this face. He felt a name sort of on the tip of his tongue but he became overwhelmed with frustration when the name did not make it’s self-known.

“It’s me,” the man said gesturing at his face and body concern growing in his voice “PJ.”

The name sent a light bulb on inside of Dan’s brain. He looked at the man’s face and he saw a stranger, but in his mind when he said the word PJ he felt happy and safe. He knew they were friends, he just…wished that he knew his friend.

“Dan…” the man said confusion saturating his tone “Do you know who I am?”

Chapter Text

Admittedly Dan was not good with awkward situations. He could tell that about himself. He could also tell that he was no stranger to somehow always ending up in awkward situations. This was definitely another example of that.

Dan watched PJ’s face melt and fall right after he had spoken. There had been such excitement on his face when he had first come over, now he looked hurt and broken.

Dan did not know what to say. He began to panic.

“Uh…no…” He admitted watched PJ’s face twist into countless emotions ranging from anger to confusion and back to pain

“What the hell happened to you man…” He said softening his voice as he noticed Dan’s quivering voice and rigid shoulders

Dan felt a wave of every emotion hit him straight on. Everything was suddenly so overwhelming and he couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t talk about it; he didn’t want to relive it. Even thinking about it made him feel scared and weirdly guilty.

He looked over at Anna for help, sending her an emergency SOS with his eyes.

She rested an open palm on his upper arm as a sign of comfort and took a step forward.

“He was in a car accident.” She said being careful not to go into too much detail for Dan’s sake, she could tell that she didn’t need to be recreating it again

“Well yeah,” PJ said “I know that much. But as far as we were all aware, you died in that car accident.”

“Very nearly,” Anna said “He was in pretty bad shape when I found him.”

PJ suddenly shifted his eyes away from Dan, which gave Dan a second to catch his breath, and onto Anna.

“And who exactly are you?” PJ asked somewhat judgmental and accusatory

“I’m Anna,” Anna said noting PJ’s tone and trying her best not to shoot it right back at him “I found Dan half dead on a sidewalk freezing to death, and I have been the one trying to keep him alive long enough to find you guys.”

PJ nodded with understanding. Anna could still feel some level of judgment coming from him though, she definitely felt like he was blaming her on some level.

“She helped me.” Dan agreed stepping back into the conversation

“But like, why didn’t you find us sooner Dan?” PJ said frustrated “We were just a phone call away, that’s all it would have taken!”

“I tried,” Dan said feeling a lump in his throat like hot gravel “But I couldn’t be sure that there were people out there who missed me at all, much less what your names or phone numbers were.”

PJ looked down at his shoes with a look of disdain and disgust, Dan couldn’t tell who it was pointed at.

“In that car accident, I barely survived,” Dan explained, “I got hit pretty hard, and when I woke up I couldn’t remember anything. I still don’t remember most things, but I’ve been trying.”

Dan felt like he was pleading with PJ to understand his side of the story, but he also felt some anger because he really didn’t think that there was any reason to blame him for this. Dan had genuinely been trying so hard to recover his life, but it wasn’t exactly easy when you had nothing to go off of. Why couldn’t PJ see that?

“So how exactly do you know J-…” Anna stopped herself and corrected herself quickly “Dan.”

PJ still seemed to treat her with some level of suspicion. He eyed her carefully and didn’t trust her.

“We’ve been friends for years,” there was almost something aggressively about the way PJ answered “I met him through Phil, and our other friend and I Chris used to make loads of videos with them.”

Dan heard the words ‘used to’ but didn’t want to bother going into that already.

“So you do know Phil?” Dan asked finding any excuse to ask about him suddenly

“Yes of course,” PJ said “He is really worried about you Dan.”

Dan felt his heart both rise with hope and then fall with grief.

“How did you know to look for me?” Dan asked remembering how strange it is to run into a person you thought was dead at the park one day. “You weren’t surprised to see me, you were looking weren’t you?”

“Yeah I was,” PJ said “But I didn’t think that I would actually find you.”

“Why not?”

“Because the whole world thinks you are dead Dan,” PJ said sharply “I came to London because Phil was convinced that you were still alive because of some internet conspiracy and I thought he was losing it so I needed to be here to support him, but he just kept demanding that I keep going out to look for you. I didn’t think that I actually would…”

“Phil…” Dan said softly feeling his heart swell again and tears build on the surface of his eyes “Phil knows that I’m alive…?”

“Yeah, won’t shut up about it actually.”

“Dan!” Anna said turning to hug Dan “That’s amazing!”

PJ seemed to tense up when they hugged, he definitely wasn’t used to seeing Dan be intimate with people other than Phil Dan guessed. He knew that he and Phil had had something special; he really hoped that they were the annoying kind of PDA couple that you don’t want to go out in public with. For some reason the idea of being almost obnoxiously romantic was really appealing.

“What exactly do you know about you and Phil, Dan?” PJ asked

Dan was slightly thrown by the question; he didn’t entirely know how to respond to that.

“I know that we were together, and that I really cared for him, and that…well the entire time before I could remember him I felt like there was a whole in my life right next to me.”

PJ smiled

“That’s about right,” PJ laughed, “You two are so annoying. For years you insisted that you weren’t anything when the whole world knew otherwise. But in private every time we filmed you two couldn’t keep you hands off of each other.”

“In private?”

“You two didn’t go public at first…” PJ said being more honest than Dan knew “Phil actually only initially told the world about you two during a live show.”

Dan felt his heart beat. Phil had come clean…for some reason that stressed him out while also delighting him and sending his stomach into an acrobatic routine.

“So when I go back…” Dan started before PJ finished his sentence for him

“You guys get to finally be a real couple.”

Dan couldn’t even begin to suppress the smile that came forth, nor the tears that followed.

“Well then what are you waiting for!” Dan demanded, “Lets go find him. I need to kiss my boyfriend.”

Chapter Text

As PJ led the way things started to get clearer.

One moment he didn’t know where he even was, and then suddenly PJ would take then down one street in particular and Dan would feel warm and happy.

His eyes fell on a little café down one street with a burgundy awning and almost instinctively he remembered that they had the best croissants in town and that they always made their espresso extra strong.

They turned another corner and Dan’s eyes landed on a big chain pharmacy shop and he suddenly remembered going there once to buy disinfectants, band aids and burn cream after Phil had burnt his wrist on their stovetop. Phil always had been clumsy like that. He stopped and then smiled immediately. That was the first time he had really remembered something about Phil. What a thing to remember, he thought to himself, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry.

A few more blocks passed and suddenly Dan noticed that he had moved to the front of the group and was now seemingly leading them back to his house. He seemed to know exactly where he was going through sheer muscle memory, even though on the surface he had no idea where they even were.

“It’s somewhere around here…” he muttered to himself furrowing his brow and trying to study the buildings hoping for one more thing to jog his memory enough to get him home

He kept walking.

At the back of the crowd Anna walked next to PJ and his girlfriend, she could tell that he still wasn’t warmed up to her. He seemed to ignore her presence entirely and as much as that made her mad, she understood why. Dan had forgiven her for keeping him to herself, but she knew that she had also been right about keeping him from friends and family. Now Dan was back with those friends and they had come to the same conclusion as she had.

Still Anna was determined not to be remembered as some kind of jailer or kidnapper.

“So it seems like Dan is leading the pack now.” She said acknowledging that Dan had taken the lead, to PJ in an attempt to chum up to him even a little.

“Yeah it would seem so.” He said in a way that was bewildered but also distant

“Do you suppose he is remembering?”

“It would be about time he did.” PJ said giving her a steely side eye

“What is that supposed to mean?” She asked suddenly offended, she wasn’t sure, but it had come off like some kind of accusation.

“Nothing,” PJ said before returning to silence only to, a moment later, break that silence “Listen, its just that Dan had a life here and we all got used to him being dead. We buried him, we mourned him, we all tried to move on. Then it turns out that he has been alive this whole time and the only reason that any of us had to do all of that was…”

You. He stopped just short of saying it. But they both knew that he meant that this was all her fault.

“I didn’t know he had a life, he was the one that refused to go looking for one though,” she told him agitatedly “I thought that he had been abandoned and I was just trying to help him and take care of him, as soon as he started to remember we came looking for you all.”

PJ’s face still faced forwards but Anna could see from his uncomfortable shoulders and his sudden silence that what she had said had had some kind of impact after all.

“I didn’t mean to keep him from you, the man I found was on the edge of death and scared out of his mind. I wasn’t about to just leave him.”

With that she broke away from him and walked just slightly ahead so that she didn’t have to look at him or be looked at.

She had quickened her pace in her rush to move ahead, so when she ran into Dan’s back she hit him hard.

She stumbled back a few steps and was about to ask why he had stopped to abruptly but she followed his line of vision and stopped.

He was gazing hypnotically at a tall block of housing buildings with while plaster faces and heavy dark wood doors. His eyes wide were specifically and distinctly stopped on one door in particular.

His breathing seemed uneven but without a moment more of hesitation he ran across the street and through the door he had been watching.

“Is that it?” She asked out loud for anyone to answer

“Yeah.” PJ’s voice said oddly breathlessly

As Dan tore of the stairs he felt that his legs instinctively knew exactly how tall each stair was and so he flew over them effortlessly.

The smell of pine and must grew stronger as he climbed higher until the unmistakable scent of cinnamon and roasted marshmallow. He knew immediately that it was the smell of Phil’s favorite candle. A tear fell down his cheek as he reached the top and banged wildly on the door.

“Yeah PJ you don’t have to knock you can just let yourself in you kno-“

The door opened.

There was an audible silence that followed.

They made eye contact for a moment and Phil’s face dropped. He clapped a hand around his mouth and stumbled backwards until he was pinned up against the wall behind him.

Dan didn’t know what to do, but he felt tears running down his face and his jaw quivering and his limbs numb and shaking. His face was hot and the sudden shock sent a wave of adrenaline through him.

“Hi Phil.” He stuttered between tears and his uncontrollable shaking

His boy friend’s face softened and he lurched himself forward away from the wall and into Dan’s arms.

They both just stood there in each other’s arms, each one of them squeezing as tightly as they could and burying their faces in the other’s neck.

They could feel each other convulsing with tears but they just held on tighter.

Finally they both loosened their hug just enough to look up at each other and get lost in each other’s eyes.

“Hi Dan.” Phil said returning Dan’s already forgotten greeting

Dan almost laughed but was crying so hard that any other emotion would have been hard to detect. He felt everything at the same time and he couldn’t process any of it.

Just as Dan was going to try and say something, Phil stopped him by leaning in and grabbing Dan by the front of his shirt. He placed his lips on Dan’s.

And just like that, they were home.

Chapter Text

Dan couldn’t remember a time when he had been happier—he couldn’t remember that many times at all to be honest, but he didn’t want to think about that little caveat. He just wanted to keep being happy.

He could feel the warmth of Phil’s body next to him and the softness of Phil’s lips pressed against his own. He felt so safe and so loved in that moment; he never wanted it to end.

But it was just then that he heard PJ clear his throat behind them stood in the stairwell trying to get up to their flat.

“Couldn’t you have given us a moment alone?” Dan said part joking, part serious

PJ laughed warmly “Mate, we waited for twenty minutes outside, how much more do you two need.”

“Forever.” Dan whispered into Phil’s ear causing him to smile and rap his long arms around Dan’s shoulders

“Sorry Peej, time passed a little faster than we thought I guess.”

PJ just smiled.

“Why don’t we all go inside?” Phil suggested already steering Dan into their flat

Once they were all seated in the lounge the inevitable question finally came.

“So what the hell happened to you Dan?” Phil asked looking into Dan’s eyes

Dan could see so much sadness and pain in their multicolored depth. He knew in that moment that things were about to get real again. No more fantasizing and romanticizing what would happen and how their reunion would be, it was actually happening. Dan felt so much guilt looking into Phil’s eyes that he would have given anything to go back to the kissing and the smiling from before.

“Basically I got hit by a car.” Dan said unsure of whether to play this moment cool or to start begging forgiveness

He knew that getting hit by a car couldn’t have been his fault, and yet he felt such devastating inexplicable shame over it, and leaving Phil behind.

“I found him collapsed alone in the cold a few miles from my house,” Anna said “that’s where he’s been, I was trying to help him.”

Looking at Phil Anna didn’t feel any of the judgment or the coldness that she had from PJ, he just looked so sad and so scared.

“So he was hit near your house?” Phil asked trying to fill in the blanks

Dan and Anna exchanged looks.

“No,” Anna said looking away from Phil “So far as we can tell—the story is a bit murky for all of us, seeing as our primary narrator here is slightly unreliable with the facts—he was taken to Hospital where at some point he woke up in a morgue.”

Dan wanted to laugh at Anna’s little comment, but thoughts of waking up on that steel table kept him from it.

“I didn’t know where I was,” Dan said reliving it all again, tears condensing in his eyes “It was so cold Phil, it was so scary. I just ran from there and got as far from that place as I could before my injuries became too severe for me to continue and I collapsed for Anna to find me…”

A tear fell from Dan’s eye and without a word Phil brushed it away off of his cheek and squeezed his hand in part to comfort him, and in part to make sure he was still real.

“I had been recovering with Anna’s help,” Dan said “I couldn’t remember a thing back then Phil…I didn’t know who I was or if I had anybody to miss me…”

He broke down on those last words, sobbing into his hands.

“But you did remember?” Phil asked supplying the rest of the narrative for him, trying to save him the stress of going through it all again.

“Yes, I heard someone say my name to me one day out at a grocery store, I didn’t register it immediately but I started to look into it and that’s when I found you…after I saw your face, it didn’t take long to remember and to fall for you all over again.”

Phil nodded taking everything in

“So you remember now?” Phil asked

“Some things,” Dan agreed nodding “but not…not everything yet.”

Phil smiled

“Well I can fill in the rest of the blanks for you then.” He said tenderly kissing Dan on the cheek and grasping his hand

“Familiar things help,” Dan added looking around at their lounge “the longer I’m here, the more I’ll remember, I know I will.”

“I know so too.” Phil said with such certainty that all the doubt ad guilt inside of Dan’s chest washed away

“So what happened that night?” Dan asked, “Why was I out so far from the flat, do you know?”

That’s when Phil’s grip loosened and it was Phil’s turn to feel guilt.

“We, we had a big fight,” Phil said, “we were yelling and it got out of hand, we both stormed off. I locked myself in my room and you fled the apartment…”

Dan’s mouth fell open, having known Phil again for the last hour or so, he couldn’t imagine fighting with him about anything.

“What were we fighting about?”

Phil’s lip quivered and a tear slipped out of the corner of his eye “Coffee,” He said in a miserable laugh “Of all the stupid, unimportant things in the world I got mad that you drank my coffee…”

Phil tried not to look Dan in the eye, he felt so ridiculous. Part of him still couldn’t believe how angry he had been over a stupid drink.

“It was one of those fights where stuff just built up and we all just let it out in one night,” Phil explained, “I’ve never regretted anything more in my entire life. I’m sorry Dan.”

Phil said nothing more, just stewing in the despair and silence of his own creation.

Dan broke the silence with the loudest laugh that Phil had heard in a long time.

“Who gives a flying fuck?” Dan laughed absurdly

Phil couldn’t help but laugh in return; he was still crying but now laughing at the same time. It was such a rush of emotion that that addition sent everyone over the edge. Everything had felt so real and so heavy, and so a single hearty laugh sent the whole room into absolute madness.

Later on after a dinner of Dan’s favorite take-away Phil gave him a tour of their apartment.

Dan smiled at everything he saw. Some of it because it made him laugh, some of it because it made him sad, and some of it because he couldn’t believe he would have bought it.

“So why did I buy a chair that looked like a butt?” Dan asked wheezing a little from laughing too hard after seeing it for the first time

“I would think because everyone tells you that you are an incredible pain in the arse Dan Howell.” Phil told him sending them both into happy silly fits of giggles

After the tour and a long night of heartfelt hellos, they began to turn into goodbyes.

PJ and Sophie left first, deciding to give Dan and Phil some time alone and return home to Brighton.

Shortly after Anna made her exit as well.

“I’m so happy for you Dan.” She said giving him a last goodbye hug

“I couldn’t have done it without you Anna,” Dan promised her “I was lucky to have met you. And while maybe I wasn’t the man for you, someone out there is.”

“Oh I know,” she laughed mores assuredly “I’ll just have to spend more time hanging out by the morgue based on past experiences meeting men.”

“I think that will do it.” Dan laughed

“Don’t you go forgetting me now ‘John Doe’.” She warned with a playful smile and a fond tone of voice

“How could I ever?”

After the guests had left Dan crawled into bed with Phil and they fell asleep in each other’s arms. Safe and sound.

When morning came, Dan turned to his left and locked eyes with an already awake Phil gazing at him warmly.

“Morning.” He greeted warmth filling his chest

“Morning.” Phil agreed watching Dan like he still couldn’t believe it was really him, like he couldn’t believe how lucky he had been.

Dan felt so incredibly happy that he almost couldn’t believe it. After all this time, all this hurt and pain, everything was okay; no everything was perfect.

Looking at Phil Dan tried to imagine what sort of life they had had together before the accident. Whatever it had been, Dan knew in his heart that they had been the best of his life and that he wanted to remember every moment of every day together.

“I can’t wait to get back all my memories with you.” Dan said softly

Phil smiled and curled his fingers around Dan’s, before sliding a simple golden band onto Dan’s left ring finger.

“I can’t wait to make more with you.”

Chapter Text

Dan couldn’t remember a time when he had been happier—he couldn’t remember that many times at all to be honest, but he didn’t want to think about that little caveat. He just wanted to keep being happy.

He could feel the warmth of Phil’s body next to him and the softness of Phil’s lips pressed against his own. He felt so safe and so loved in that moment; he never wanted it to end.

But it was just then that he heard PJ clear his throat behind them stood in the stairwell trying to get up to their flat.

“Couldn’t you have given us a moment alone?” Dan said part joking, part serious

PJ laughed warmly “Mate, we waited for twenty minutes outside, how much more do you two need.”

“Forever.” Dan whispered into Phil’s ear causing him to smile and rap his long arms around Dan’s shoulders

“Sorry Peej, time passed a little faster than we thought I guess.”

PJ just smiled.

“Why don’t we all go inside?” Phil suggested already steering Dan into their flat

Once they were all seated in the lounge the inevitable question finally came.

“So what the hell happened to you Dan?” Phil asked looking into Dan’s eyes

Dan could see so much sadness and pain in their multicolored depth. He knew in that moment that things were about to get real again. No more fantasizing and romanticizing what would happen and how their reunion would be, it was actually happening. Dan felt so much guilt looking into Phil’s eyes that he would have given anything to go back to the kissing and the smiling from before.

“Basically I got hit by a car.” Dan said unsure of whether to play this moment cool or to start begging forgiveness

He knew that getting hit by a car couldn’t have been his fault, and yet he felt such devastating inexplicable shame over it, and leaving Phil behind.

“I found him collapsed alone in the cold a few miles from my house,” Anna said “that’s where he’s been, I was trying to help him.”

Looking at Phil Anna didn’t feel any of the judgment or the coldness that she had from PJ, he just looked so sad and so scared.

“So he was hit near your house?” Phil asked trying to fill in the blanks

Dan and Anna exchanged looks.

“No,” Anna said looking away from Phil “So far as we can tell—the story is a bit murky for all of us, seeing as our primary narrator here is slightly unreliable with the facts—he was taken to Hospital where at some point he woke up in a morgue.”

Dan wanted to laugh at Anna’s little comment, but thoughts of waking up on that steel table kept him from it.

“I didn’t know where I was,” Dan said reliving it all again, tears condensing in his eyes “It was so cold Phil, it was so scary. I just ran from there and got as far from that place as I could before my injuries became too severe for me to continue and I collapsed for Anna to find me…”

A tear fell from Dan’s eye and without a word Phil brushed it away off of his cheek and squeezed his hand in part to comfort him, and in part to make sure he was still real.

“I had been recovering with Anna’s help,” Dan said “I couldn’t remember a thing back then Phil…I didn’t know who I was or if I had anybody to miss me…”

He broke down on those last words, sobbing into his hands.

“But you did remember?” Phil asked supplying the rest of the narrative for him, trying to save him the stress of going through it all again.

“Yes, I heard someone say my name to me one day out at a grocery store, I didn’t register it immediately but I started to look into it and that’s when I found you…after I saw your face, it didn’t take long to remember and to fall for you all over again.”

Phil nodded taking everything in

“So you remember now?” Phil asked

“Some things,” Dan agreed nodding “but not…not everything yet.”

Phil smiled

“Well I can fill in the rest of the blanks for you then.” He said tenderly kissing Dan on the cheek and grasping his hand

“Familiar things help,” Dan added looking around at their lounge “the longer I’m here, the more I’ll remember, I know I will.”

“I know so too.” Phil said with such certainty that all the doubt ad guilt inside of Dan’s chest washed away

“So what happened that night?” Dan asked, “Why was I out so far from the flat, do you know?”

That’s when Phil’s grip loosened and it was Phil’s turn to feel guilt.

“We, we had a big fight,” Phil said, “we were yelling and it got out of hand, we both stormed off. I locked myself in my room and you fled the apartment…”

Dan’s mouth fell open, having known Phil again for the last hour or so, he couldn’t imagine fighting with him about anything.

“What were we fighting about?”

Phil’s lip quivered and a tear slipped out of the corner of his eye “Coffee,” He said in a miserable laugh “Of all the stupid, unimportant things in the world I got mad that you drank my coffee…”

Phil tried not to look Dan in the eye, he felt so ridiculous. Part of him still couldn’t believe how angry he had been over a stupid drink.

“It was one of those fights where stuff just built up and we all just let it out in one night,” Phil explained, “I’ve never regretted anything more in my entire life. I’m sorry Dan.”

Phil said nothing more, just stewing in the despair and silence of his own creation.

Dan broke the silence with the loudest laugh that Phil had heard in a long time.

“Who gives a flying fuck?” Dan laughed absurdly

Phil couldn’t help but laugh in return; he was still crying but now laughing at the same time. It was such a rush of emotion that that addition sent everyone over the edge. Everything had felt so real and so heavy, and so a single hearty laugh sent the whole room into absolute madness.

Later on after a dinner of Dan’s favorite take-away Phil gave him a tour of their apartment.

Dan smiled at everything he saw. Some of it because it made him laugh, some of it because it made him sad, and some of it because he couldn’t believe he would have bought it.

“So why did I buy a chair that looked like a butt?” Dan asked wheezing a little from laughing too hard after seeing it for the first time

“I would think because everyone tells you that you are an incredible pain in the arse Dan Howell.” Phil told him sending them both into happy silly fits of giggles

After the tour and a long night of heartfelt hellos, they began to turn into goodbyes.

PJ and Sophie left first, deciding to give Dan and Phil some time alone and return home to Brighton.

Shortly after Anna made her exit as well.

“I’m so happy for you Dan.” She said giving him a last goodbye hug

“I couldn’t have done it without you Anna,” Dan promised her “I was lucky to have met you. And while maybe I wasn’t the man for you, someone out there is.”

“Oh I know,” she laughed mores assuredly “I’ll just have to spend more time hanging out by the morgue based on past experiences meeting men.”

“I think that will do it.” Dan laughed

“Don’t you go forgetting me now ‘John Doe’.” She warned with a playful smile and a fond tone of voice

“How could I ever?”

Once every guest had gone and Dan and Phil were alone they joined each other on the couch in the lounge.

“I don’t think I could be happier than I am right now,” Phil said admiring Dan’s every little freckle and hair

Dan smiled back at him.

“You want to bet?” he teased suddenly feeling an urge to be playful

Phil chuckled “Sure, why what did you have in mind?”

“I do believe that at the current time, I might still owe you some coffee Phillip.”

“Indeed you do,” laughed Phil deciding to play along out of sheer ecstasy and near bliss “But I would hope you’ve learned you lesson there,” he said poking Dan directly in the middle of his forehead impishly “I’ll get it this time,” he promised “and when I get back this all goes behind us, we start anew.”

Dan was elated at the very idea and excitedly agreed.

As Phil put on his jacket to go out, he felt around in his pocket and felt the shape of that little velvet box from a local jeweler brush against his fingertips.

As Phil exited the building and felt the cool night air hit his warm skin he let go a breath and watched it spiral into the air in a silver mist.

For the first time in his life he couldn’t have been happier. Everything was so perfect he couldn’t believe it.

It was like the world around him didn’t exist, like it couldn’t ever touch him again.

He closed his eyes and sighed in relief feeling it deep down in his chest.

Had he not done this though, perhaps he would have seen the delivery truck hurdling down the road at top speed.
Perhaps he would have moved, and lived, and come home with warm drinks and a question that he hoped would star his and Dan’s new lives together.

But he did not, and so when that truck collided with him head on, the story ended how it had began with the life of one person melting away, this time, for good.