Chapter Text
The camera captured Lizzie’s blurry smile plastered on her lips right before she turned it off, but the truth is that it did not quite express all the multitude of feelings that were currently swirling in her mind. She felt joy slowly seeping through her veins as the sudden wave of euphoria gradually her faded. It was as if she were in another place, another dimension; that strange sensation of disconnection you feel when you have just barely escaped being run over by a car. In just ten minutes her life had been turned up side down and the reason of that was currently sitting on a stool behind her, waiting for her.
Had she just really been kissing William Darcy? The man she had hated for so many months? That very same thought of her hating him left a bitter taste in her mouth and she tried to push it away from her mind. Her feelings were now so vastly different. So, so different. Feelings she had struggled to conceal, first from herself and then from the world. She finds it ironic how outspoken she had been when it came to loathing everything related to William Darcy, and then so secretive when her opinion began to morph into something much more pleasant. Much more pleasant? Who was she kidding? She had already admitted to herself some time ago that she had been gradually falling in love with this man, even if it was hopeless (or so she had thought). She could not help it once her eyes had been opened to—
“Lizzie? Are you alright?”, he asked, his voice laced with a vaguely familiar hint of concern.
Vaguely familiar? Oh, yes, episode 84. That fateful Wednesday...
“Yes,” she replied, while turning back to look at him.
He was still sitting down, contemplating her with his furrowed brow.
“I mean... Uh, I’m feeling a little strange, I have to admit.”
“Strange? What is the matter? Do you regret—“
“Oh, no, don’t finish whatever you were going to say,” Lizzie interrupted, and she crossed the short distance that existed between them, “Please.”
Darcy now stood up from his stool, his eyes searching Lizzie’s face, waiting for her to continue.
“I may have committed many mistakes in this past year, but this isn’t some kind of emotional hangover where I regret what’s just happened here. What kind of person would I be?”
“I apologise, I guess was just being...”, and she stifled a smile when she saw him pushing his chin a little to his neck when he whispered “...insecure.”
“Why?”, Lizzie inquired, softening her expression.
“Well, hum... Uh, I suppose I still cannot quite believe that this is real, that is... That I came here and that the best possible outcome in this situation is the one that became a tangible reality —“
“I’m feeling overwhelmed too, you know.”
“Oh.”
“Like I said, I felt confused. And I didn’t want to create expectations that would only make me feel worse in the end.”
Darcy looked at her, silently urging her to continue.
“There was a very small voice in me that tried to tell me that maybe not all was lost, and that perhaps one of the reasons why you had done everything you did for Lydia had to do with me, but then I started feeling guilty about it and saying to myself that it was impossible and you hadn’t tried talking to me and I...” and Lizzie stopped, losing track of her train of thought and lowering her head.
“I’m sorry, Lizzie,” his right thumb now caressing her face, while the rest of his fingers held her jaw. “There was a part of me that believed very strongly that you would never return my feelings and I did not want to intrude in your life — especially after what had occured — I did not feel that I had the right to do so.”
“But,” Lizzie’s brain struggling to understand what Darcy was hinting at, “please don’t tell me that you were feeling guilty about everything.”
His downcast eyes gave her the answer she searched for.
“Oh, no.”
His hand left her face and he took a deep breath.
“If I hadn’t wanted to be so secretive about what had happened with Gigi, your family would have never gone through the pain you all went through. It was indirectly my fault.”
“You really believe that?” Lizzie paused. “The burden isn’t only yours to carry, you know. Don’t you think I also blame myself? Lydia is my sister. You were trying to protect yours.”
“Is keeping your sister ignorant protecting her? I’ve been learning that it isn’t. Keeping Gigi in the dark put her in danger, and I will always have to live with that.”
Lizzie hesitantly (all of this newly discovered proximity was still so new) brought her hands to cover his face and said, “Don’t torture yourself about that anymore, William.”
He brought his eyes back to hers, a different gleam on them. It was the first time she had said his first name aloud and both were conscious of that fact.
“Pride yourself on your ability to learn from your missteps and try to move on. I’m also trying. You mended your relationship with Gigi. She loves you and she cares about you. In her own special way,” Lizzie smiled and in return she received one of his as well, something she was not accustomed to, but that she already treasured very much so.
“You said you are also trying?...”
“Didn’t you watch my videos? They’re full of mistakes and errors of judgement, I believe.”
“Perhaps partially, but I think you need to share that burden with someone who also had an appalling behaviour on several occasions. I recall that very clearly. Too clearly.”
“But I still owe that someone an apology. I won’t feel at peace with myself unless I do that. My prejudice began even before I knew him.”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t you remember? When Lydia first said your name, I immediately classified it as being an awful name. And then I made fun of it. It was before the Gibson wedding.”
“Lizzie, I don’t think that—“
“Please, let me get this out of my chest. I was never really straightforward with this on my videos, but I need to tell you this. William, I am sorry. About all the times I blatantly chose to ignore every thing that contradicted my early-formed opinion of who you were. There are many examples on the videos, but not only there. I prided myself on my judging abilities when I was overlooking part of the picture. Like when you’re going too fast and you’re only left with an impression of what you’re seeing and nothing else. You don’t know how much of an impact your letter had on me. You have no idea.”
“I’ve wondered about what you thought of it.”
“I’ve never admitted this to anyone, but I reread it several times.”
“Really?”
“Yes,” Lizzie confirmed, but not able yet to say that she had brought it with her to San Francisco and that just yesterday she had reread it once more.
“Well, then you will also hear something I have to say, Lizzie. I should also apologise for how poorly I behaved on many occasions. Although I am aware of my difficulties in regard to dealing with people, I was also lost in my bubble of self-importance and haughtiness. Fitz and Gigi had already pointed it out to me before, and I believe that Bing must have also thought the same sometimes, but it was your harsh and painfully honest rejection that truly brought me back to my senses. I was hurt and angry at first, I confess, but I eventually channeled those feelings towards better purposes. I was humbled by you. I wasn’t being true to myself and I am very grateful to you, Lizzie Bennet.”
“I don’t know what I should say... I... You leave me without words, William Darcy.”
“Hum... I suppose that that is a good thing?”
Lizzie laughed.
“I’m not sure, but I think so.”
“Oh, really?” Darcy smirked, raising his left eyebrow.
“Hum hum.”
And as their eyes closed, they found themselves lost in another kiss, taking their time as if they had all of it to spend on each other. Slowly. Steadily. Surely. One of his hands weaving through her auburn hair and the other splayed across her back, bringing them closer. Hers felt his jaw and the nape of his neck. After a few long seconds, a need for more air broke them apart, their foreheads lightly touching.
“You have no idea for how long I had wanted to be able to do this.”
She chuckled.
“I’m not sure if I want to know since when. But do you know what I really want to do right now?
“What?”
“Have some dinner.”
The sound of William Darcy’s laughter thrilled Lizzie.
“What? I thought that you were my Chinese food. I’m pretty sure that by now Charlotte must have already eaten all the honey walnut shrimp.”
“I apologise, milady. I suppose I must go on a quest to find you more honey walnut shrimp.”
“I find that an excellent idea.”
And lacing her arm with his, they left the den to pursue their quest.