Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Tell me about your team,”

“No.”

“Professor Song…”

“No. Mr Lux you can shove your job and your therapy where the sun doesn’t shine. I- “

“You said that you would go through therapy so that I could ascertain whether or not you were fit enough to work in an expedition environment.” Mr Lux reminded none to gently from his place at the door of the consultant’s office.

“And when I did so I was in the belief that you wouldn’t be present and that this would be therapy on coming to terms with the fact I came back to life.” River said doing her best to stay calm but there was an underlying threat in her voice.

“Professor Song,” The psychiatrist spoke kindly, he did believe he could help. River had already noted he was young, too young to be ready for a patient like her. But after being dead for 30 years River didn’t have too many job offers going. “I believe that to come to terms with coming back to life you need to be aware of who haven’t came to life. That includes the team you’ve lost.”

River paused for a second before sighing, the man made a good point.

“Fine, but I want him out of the room.” She said tilting her head to her, now much older, employer who still stood at the door. Lux looked to argue but already the man was shaking his head in his direction.

“Yes, that’s fine. Mr Lux please wait outside.” The business huffed but he seemed to get the message well enough and left the room and the psychiatrist turned back to River. “Now, I’m Doctor Herdison, you can call me Mike if you want… You can start whenever you’re ready.”

“I don’t know where to start, with the team I mean.” River said with a shrug. “They were just my colleagues.”

“Oh I think they were more than that Professor Song, Lux told me you’d all worked together before. So why don’t we start with Miss Evangalista. She was the newest member yes?”

River hesitated for a moment before nodding.

“Yes.”

Chapter Text

“What can you tell me about her?”

“You see that’s the thing Doctor Herdison. Mr Lux brought Miss Evangelista in; she was his personal assistant. I dismissed her, we all did.” River gave a sigh. “I didn’t, I tried not to take it out on her. In the past I struggled to learn as normal children would so because of that I never made fun of Miss Evangelista’s IQ… But I also didn’t stop the others. When we had to go back for her multiple times I knew the rest of the team were laughing and leaving her out but I never said anything. I didn’t help her.”

“And you feel guilty for that?”

“Her last words were about everyone laughing, she called Donna ‘the nice woman’ because no one else was nice. So of course I feel guilty!” River snapped. “I could have helped her! I could have…”

She stopped taking a deep breath to calm herself before looking away.

“You didn’t know the creatures were there Professor Song you couldn’t have saved her.” Doctor Herdison pointed out to her but River only shook her head. “Professor Song you need to understand that her death was not your fault.”

“Then whose fault was it?! Because she was just a girl! She never harmed anyone!”

“… I’m sorry Professor Song, but sometimes death doesn’t have rhyme or reason to it. Sometimes good people get hurt and the only thing we can do is do our best to try and survive without them.”

“She tried to get our attention and we ignored her. Then she died.”

“And lived, from what Lux told me when you were uploaded to the Library computer so were your team, and Miss Evangelista had both her looks and the intelligence she had gained prior to that.”

“I know that-“

“Are you upset about that?”

“No. Of course not; in my time in the database I actually got to know her. I was happy that she got that.”

“Can you tell me what she was like?” River paused for a moment before nodding. “Alright, on you go.”

“She was funny, witty, and oh god she was so different to the woman we knew. But at the same time she was so similar as well. She’d get her words mixed up and then just laugh it off. She adored the children. She helped me a lot, I had suddenly been placed in a motherly role and I was very much out of my depth. But she helped keep me calm and look after them.”

“You miss her then?”

“I miss all of them.” River admitted. “But I suppose you’re right.”

“What do you mean?”

“She has a life in that computer. A good life, she works with at the nursery, with the children and she enjoys being able to know things. Teach things… It may hurt me, knowing that I can’t see her anymore and I do still feel responsible for her death but-“

There was a moment of silence where River did her best to avoid the doctor’s gaze. But he was patient enough to wait for her to finish without prompting.

“But I have felt guilty for many deaths, and that guilt won’t go away. But I know they, my team I mean, they wouldn’t want me to stop just because they have… I want to work not because I need the distraction, but because it what I do, it is what we did. Together, and I would like the chance to continue that.”

“… That’s very good Professor Song, why don’t we take a break and we can continue this another day?”

River only nodded as she blinked away any tears that may have collected, though none and fallen and without another word she picked up her diary and walked out of his office pushing past and ignoring Lux as she did so.