Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

One.

Seokjin is pressing play on the remote for the second time that night, smiling as he arranges the fuzzy pink blanket around his shoulders, wriggling his toes in their coral socks. This time it is Titanic that starts, and Taehyung would rather be doing anything but watching it.

Taehyung had never exactly cried during this type of movie, not quite grasping the interest in putting yourself through such torture, to willingly want to feel sad for the characters and their stories. None of it made sense to him, not the fabricated and forced side of it, not the cheesy lines or mellow music. So when Seokjin had cried towards the end of The Notebook less than ten minutes earlier he had just rolled his eyes and focused his attention back on his phone.

If the older man hadn't been one of his closest friends - if not the closest - he would've used an obvious excuse to escape the room, would've faked a stomachache or something.

"You could at least pretend you're watching," Seokjin sighs, a hand shoved in his bowl of heated popcorn. He gently nudges Taehyung, "Come on, this one's a classic!"

Taehyung huffs a quiet chuckle, his thumbs still tapping the screen in his hands, "I am still here, I haven't left yet. You should take that as a victory in itself."

The movie keeps rolling and Taehyung loses himself further into the game he is playing, not even lifting his chin towards the older's laptop anymore.

Still, his mind wanders someplace else.

He had never - as in, not even once - gotten any interest in relationships, had never wanted to get close enough to someone for him to want to date them. There were things he judged as more important - friends, studying, video games, music -, things that spared him from unnecessary heartbreak and disappointment. And perhaps someone his age should find some curiosity in dating or experience the smallest crush on another human being, but Taehyung didn't.

He hears Seokjin sob and reluctantly lowers his phone to his lap, "Really? Again?"

The older frowns at him as he grabs two pieces of tissue at once from the box settled near his feet, "Oh quit it."

No matter how frequently he messed up with his hyung and teased him, Taehyung really held him dearly, dreading the day Seokjin would leave their shared bedroom. And there were only ten days left, ten short days that would wrap up two years of cohabitation and bonds. Less than two weeks left and Taehyung had tried to ignore the increasing number of sealed boxed sitting around the small dorm room as best as he could.

He wasn't ready to say goodbye yet.

"Say hyung, you're going to come and visit me, right?"

Seokjin sniffles, delicately dabbing the tears on his cheeks as he turns to look at him, "You know I will, don't be ridiculous," he says, voice hoarse from crying. "You can't get rid of me that easily."

Taehyung smiles and makes the effort to pay attention to what's left of the movie. It isn't quite as entertaining as a good Ghibli or superhero movie but if his hyung appreciated it so much, he could pretend it was alright.

Seokjin leaves on a tuesday after he's hugged Taehyung for a good five minutes, promising he'd contact him all the time to check if he ate correctly and didn't skip classes. It had made Taehyung giggle but when the older finally climbed in his rented car, both of them cried more than they'd like to admit.

Nobody comes to fill the vacant space Seokjin had created when he moved out and Taehyung spends most of his time alone until he's locking the door to his room for the last time this scholar year.

He goes back home to his mother crying tears of joy and the warm embrace of his siblings, to the excitement and erratic wagging of his dog's tail. He is greeted by a black-haired Yoongi - something he hadn't witnessed in years - and the most overdramatic group hug he's ever taken part of with Hoseok and Namjoon at the end of their shifts at the local grocery store.

Taehyung ends up working with them, as he did every summer.

He spends most of his time surrounded by his family and friends, so when he finds himself dragging his suitcase in the same old corridor leading to his dorm he can't escape the feeling of nostalgia spreading through his system. It had taken a handful of minutes for the comfort he had found in two entire months in Daegu to vanish into the thin air.

He turns his keys in the lock and is faced with Seokjin's former shelves filled with books, with a laptop sitting on the second desk and clean sheets on the bed opposite his. Apparently he wouldn't have the pleasure to live on his own before the beginning of the year.

He closes the door with a kick of his feet and leaves his suitcase by the entrance, unable to find the strength or motivation to unpack yet. He drops on top of his covers, typing his phone password to write a reassuring message to his mom; just to tell her his flight had been safe.

Taehyung is perched over his desk cautiously re-typing his semester's schedule when the door to his room unlocks.

And it isn't Seokjin, of course it isn't him. It would never be Seokjin again.

Instead, standing in the doorway is a boy that looks younger than him, obviously a freshman. "Oh - uh," he stutters, adjusting the beanie on his chestnut hair before he elects to take it off, "I didn't know you'd arrive today," he blurts out.

Taehyung smiles. He remembered being this anxious too, "It's okay," he says, pushing his rolling chair away from his desk just enough to stand. "I'm Taehyung, third year."

He offers the boy a friendly hand.

"And I'm Jeongguk," his voice echoes, accepting the hand to vividly shake it. "I'm starting my first year in two days."

He sounds extremely formal and Taehyung has to bite the inside of his cheeks not to laugh; this boy - Jeongguk - was somehow cute despise the large frame of his shoulders, much broader than his.

"Nice to meet you," Taehyung says, realizing he still hasn't let go of the other's hand. He had probably been to busy observing his face, enough to notice its surprisingly soft features - and the little scar on top of his left cheek. "I hope we get along well!"

Jeongguk nods, taking a step backwards to finally close the door, "I sure do too."

He looks like a deer in the headlights and Taehyung hopes he can make his first days less awkward than his. The tense atmosphere filled with embarrassing jokes and calculated laughters following his own arrival was printed in his memory forever and was a story Seokjin still liked to tease him with.

Taehyung sits back in front of his desk, fingers finding the touchpad of his computer to complete his task, "If there is anything you need, don't hesitate." He gives a quick glance in Jeongguk's direction, still motionless in the middle of the room and chuckles lightly, "Hey, you're going to live here for a while so you might as well get comfortable as soon as possible."

It is weird. Taehyung being the older one, the advice giver, but it isn't as terrifying as he thought it would be. After years of being pampered, he could peek at Seokjin's side of things and hopefully reduce the time during which Jeongguk would feel uncomfortable around him to a minimum.

Jeongguk finally moves and takes careful step towards the older's desk, "Taehyung-hyung?" The appellation startles said Taehyung. "I know you're probably busy but could you give me a quick campus tour? This place is so much bigger than I imagined and -"

"Of course," Taehyung cuts him, saving his document and closing his computer. "We could even stop by the coffee shop," he adds, reaching for his coat. "Their chococcino is the best."

They walk around the large area that forms their campus, from the best places to grab lunch to the gym center. Taehyung is very patient, takes the time to give tips on how to not get caught in a line around noon and on the most ideal time to visit the library. Jeongguk is very good company, his shyness not quite as annoying as he keeps saying it is, and Taehyung is thankful to the administration because he knows could've ended with some fuckboy instead.

Once they've completed the loop around the university, they settle at the coffee shop with hot chocolates in hands, making small talk and learning more about each other.

And it is possible that Jeongguk picks Taehyung's interest, because the older cannot stop asking questions. He learns that Jeongguk had been forced to break up with his girlfriend once he got accepted in this college, distance being too much of a burden for two youngsters that still didn't quite grasp the meaning of a solid relationship.

Taehyung doesn't know what he is suppose to do with this information, nor how to act on it.

Somewhere in his memory he can recall finding Seokjin crying in an empty amphitheater with his phone in hand, how he couldn't find any words to say and had just held him. When it came to personal feelings, Taehyung usually ran the opposite direction or dodged the subject as best he could, nowhere near his comfort zone.

"I'm sorry about that," he eventually replies in the most apologetic tone he can and a subtle bow of his head.

Jeongguk smiles - but Taehyung notices how sad his eyes look - and mutters how it was bound to happen and how they both knew it couldn't last anyway. Which confuses Taehyung even further. Why did people start dating if they weren't expecting the relationship to last to begin with? It didn't make sense.

To the older's relief, Jeongguk changes the topic and voices his fear of having chosen the wrong major; hence Taehyung reassuring him by saying he had a whole month to make up his mind.

They get back to the dorms when the sun starts its descent in the sky and feast over two bowls of heated noodle soup - Taehyung needed to go grocery shopping -, chatting until Jeongguk states that he doesn't want to mess up his sleep pattern so close to the beginning of classes.

By the time they're both in their own packed amphitheaters listening to seemingly never-ending speeches Jeongguk has accepted to drop the heavy "Taehyung-hyung" for a more casual "Taehyung" - to the older's biggest pleasure.

Even if their schedules are nothing alike they eat together three days a week and study together on late afternoons, sharing Jeongguk's earphones as they neatly copy their notes or write some essays they'll forget everything about in the blink of an eye. It quickly becomes natural for them to meet halfway to walk to the dorms together when their timetables allow it, just as natural as showering simultaneously before they'd head to bed.

Some mornings Jeongguk wakes Taehyung up before he leaves for an early lecture, on others Taehyung brings a cup of green tea and a caramel muffin to a sleepy Jeongguk just so he wouldn't have to walk to the crowded kitchen. They become accostumed to each other's presence in a surprisingly short time, even coming to miss the other's when Jeongguk leaves for the weekend twice a month.

And if Taehyung is honest with himself it is disturbing how he had grown fond of the younger in such a short amount of time, how he'd send him a text every time he's away or going to his club activities - Jeongguk had joined the singing choir mid-september. It was like an itch at the back of his head that Taehyung could never reach no matter how hard he tried.

Because Taehyung never went to such lengths, not even with Seokjin. He'd usually see him at night only and didn't bother checking up on him when he visited his hometown.

Jeongguk was different.

And Kim Taehyung had never been a sucker for "different".

One saturday, Jeongguk - that hasn't deserted campus - successfully drags Taehyung to a party held in an appartment in the heart of Seoul. It is on that saturday night that Taehyung decides that different definitely isn't his cup of tea.

They spends the first minutes sipping on some badly brewed cocktail in a corner of the living room - rented by a certain Byun Baekhyun if he heard the name correctly. It doesn't take more than half an hour for Taehyung to regret ever accepting Jeongguk's invitation. The two of them clearly didn't fit in the mess of drunk and hormonally packed college students.

"So..." he starts, his voice barely audible over the loud music playing. Jeongguk squints as if he'd hear him any better this way before he bends forward and crashes right into Taehyung's space, his nose practically brushing the older's ear. "None of your friends are here?"

Jeongguk slightly moves back, giving a gentle smile, "You bet they aren't," he mocks, making the liquid swirl in his plastic cup. "They're more of the 'let's stay home and study for that test we have in three weeks' kind of students."

Taehyung chuckles, "That's a bummer. Guess you'll have to make it work with my boring ass only."

A finger pokes at his ribs and Taehyung glances up at Jeongguk, finding him staring right back, his tongue darting out to wet his bottom lip. He couldn't remember the last time someone made him feel something that was close to what Jeongguk just did - because there had never been a last or first time.

"Your ass, that is not boring at all by the way, is more than enough."

Taehyung just blinks stupidly.

Jeongguk's scar seems to deepen as he grins, the dim lightning of the room only empathising the short line adoring his cheek. And that is when Taehyung realizes that Jeongguk is still too close for comfort, that he doesn't exactly want him to widen the space in between their chests either.

"How about a bit of dancing hyung?"

Taehyung had followed Jeongguk into the group of sweating bodies and blatantly ignored how warm Jeongguk's palm had felt around his wrist as he had lead them to the middle of the room. 

He couldn't tell how many songs played until Jeongguk suggested they'd take some shooters to stay in the mood. Already lightheaded from swaying around for so long, Taehyung still accepted and ingurgited his own three glasses of tequila faster than he thought he was physically capable.

The liquor leaves the tips of his fingers tingling and his stomach protesting with insistance, but Taehyung doesn't mention it. Jeongguk seems to be having fun and a little discomfort below his ribs wasn't a good enough reason for him to suggest an early leave, he could bear with it for a while.

They eventually walk back towards the dancing students, and when he is faced with Taehyung's dazed expression, Jeongguk eases him into his arms, kindly wrapping them around the older's waist.

Taehyung's head drops and his forehead finds the warmth of Jeongguk's shoulder, the curve of his flannel-covered traepezius. He figures it is weird for two people - especially two guys - to be slow-dancing while Bang Bang Bang is playing, but he is too comfortable to worry about it. Instead, he marvels at the smooth cursive paths drawn on the small of his back, Jeongguk probably sensing his drunken state and trying to ease him through it.

Taehyung melts into that gesture, nuzzles along Jeongguk's trapezius until his nose finds the birth of his neck.

"Hyung," Jeongguk says, sending jolts of something down Taehyung's spine. "Are you alright?"

Taehyung manages a nod, "I think I just drank a bit too fast," he mumbles against the younger's skin, the heat of his breath leaving it damp. "It'll go away."

As they keep swaying in small concise circles, Taehyung's mind wonders miles away. Even if he can feel every place where Jeongguk and him meet, it feels as if he is free falling to some place he had never ventured in before. Some place he ignored every single thing about, from its name to its history.

Perhaps it is because the alcohol finally kicked in.

It probably is. It has to be.

Jeongguk reaches for one of Taehyung's limp arms to wrap around his own shoulders, setting a hand on his hip as he guides him through the darkened campus. The older is mumbling nonsense in his shoulder, cheek flushed against Jeongguk's leather jacket, but Jeongguk doesn't mind. He takes the both of them to their dorm, located on the third floor, and cautiously helps Taehyung sit on the side of his bed.

"You better never pass out on me like that again, hyung."

It takes Taehyung a ridiculous amount of efforts to simply lift his chin, "I'm sorry."

The younger shrugs it off as he walks over to his desk to uncap a bottle of water, "It's fine, I'm just glad you're conscious," he sighs, filling a glass. "The dean, on the other hand, looked extremely embarrassed when I walked through the doors carrying you bridal style"

"I really am sorry," Taehyung repeats, pulling a hand to his forehead.

Jeongguk rolls his eyes, "I told you it was okay," he says, handing the glass to him. "Drink this and sleep, yeah?"

Taehyung wakes up to the smell of pizza and the sight of two pills on his nightstand. Jeongguk is already munching on a slice, eyeing his computer with attention.

"Morning," Taehyung croaks.

The younger instantly jumps off his chair and rushes to Taehyung's side, eyes narrowing in concern.

"I am just hungover, don't give me that look," Taehyung chuckles, threading his fingers through his own messy hair. "I am not going to die."

The laughter that erupts from Jeongguk startles Taehyung, but he joins him within seconds, pushing the covers down his stomach.

"You know, you could've told me you couldn't handle tequila," Jeongguk states, grabbing a slice of the pepperoni pizza he had bought, "I would've picked something else."

Taehyung watches him as he puts the slice on top of a paper towel, "Eh, I'm usually fine with tequila," he breathes out, accepting the food. "Vodka is my arch enemy though, I can't even recognize myself when I drink some."

"Good to know," Jeongguk says with a grin.

They finish watching the re-run of a musical show Jeongguk had started and when Jeongguk's voice rises in their small dorm room to harmonize with the singer, Taehyung catches himself staring at him.

He knew Jeongguk could sing - the bunch of perfectionist choir recruiters wouldn't have let him join if it wasn't the case -, but he had never heard him do it before. It sounds ultimately effortless, as if it was second nature to him, as if it was just as customary or easy as breathing. And Taehyung cannot look away.

Maybe he is contemplating attenting the choir's concert at the end of the year this time around.

Only maybe.

Weeks go by and Taehyung uses this time incorrectly - according to his own self. He's been overthinking, has been for longer than he'd like to admit it.

Then, as useless as he likes to think it is, he has been focusing most of his attention on himself, via Jeongguk.

That totally made sense in his head.

Because how could Taehyung even begin to explain what Jeongguk had changed in a matter of a month and a half.

Jeongguk that made him look twice at the definition of romanticism in the dictionnary when Taehyung never quite grasped the meaning of it. Hell, it had always been a blurred word that people would mention around a glass of beer at night, something used to describe a movie or tv show's genre, but never something Taehyung had ever wanted to learn about. Jeongguk still made him check the definition.

And Taehyung was utterly terrified.

Taehyung really doesn't like change, doesn't like fluctuation and deviations. He enjoys following a well-thought path without crossing any undesirable intersection. It is easier to pretend there is one unique option than to be faced with a decision to make, so Jeongguk walking into his life and forcing him to be aware of the questions he's never cared about is a big deal.

There is something about the younger's presence that soothes Taehyung while also creating a muddle in his entire existence. It rubs Taehyung the wrong way.

Avoiding bumps on the road seemed way more inviting than driving right above them at full speed, and Taehyung had put Jeongguk's face - just him generally - on his own personal bump.

He tries to extricate himself from any situation that would add more to the already overwhelmingly long list of enigmas in his head, but when Jeongguk asks for some english tutoring, Taehyung caves in a heartbeat.

They meet at the coffee shop after Jeongguk's last lesson of the day and discuss methods that could help the youngest in learning the secondary language faster. Taehyung says that watching foreigns programs or looking for song traductions could expand Jeongguk's vocabulary, continues by telling him which lexical book he should borrow.

Without even realizing it, Taehyung stares at Jeongguk as he keeps sharing tips, eyes sinking to Jeongguk's mouth that's wrapped around a plastic straw.

"We're going over the american law system," Jeongguk sighs, squinting at all the words underlined with red in his document. "There's so many technical terms, it's a pain in the ass."

He gets no response, no commentary.

It is captivating how Jeongguk's long and dark eyelashes flutter over the top of his cheekbones, casting shadows on his scar; how plum, how full and pink his bottom lip looks when he absent-mindedly chews on it in concentration.

"No offence to you hyung but I think that watching Game of Thrones isn't going to help me in any way," Jeongguk continues, widening his eyes in an almost comical way. "I'd like for it to be the case, but it's obvious that a boring show would be more efficient." Taehyung nods in an reflexive manner. "Do you know any that involves law?"

"Hm? Any what?"

Jeongguk slaps him on the shoulder, "A show hyung! Were you even listening to me at all?"

Taehyung pouts, lowering his chin in the palm of his hand, "Of course I was,  he retorts, "How to Get Away With Murder. Bonus, it's actually really entertaining."

He hears Jeongguk mumble unintelligible things petulantly under his breath as he scribbles the name of the show on the corner of his notebook page.

There's a trace of a smile at the corner of the older's lip when Jeongguk throws his straw out of his cup to finish his drink, "So, still want me to tutor you?"

"If you're up for it," Jeongguk mutters, wiping his mouth with a handkerchief.

"Sure." Taehyung's smiles deepens no matter how hard he tries to contain it, "Let's meet here every tuesday at 6."

And they do, in addition to the numerous hours they already spend together at the library and in the dorms. They find it so usual to be with one another that every day where they barely catch a glimpse of each other in the halls feels quite dull and lonely.

The first short holiday break arrives faster than Taehyung expected and Jeongguk goes back to his hometown for the first half of it. Also unexpected is how quickly Taehyung completes the mass of homework he had been assigned, sending them all in advance to his teachers.

Jeongguk walks back on campus with a million stories that Taehyung listens to wholeheartedly, content to learn more about the younger's friends and family. Because, why not?

"We had this pool party on monday," Jeongguk says, giggling as he scrolls through pictures on his phone. "My ex was there," he states, shoving his mobile in Taehyung's face.

Taehyung squints at the brightness of the screen, but eventually, his eyes adapt to it.

The girl is undoubtedly beautiful, has a very charming smile and long black hair that cascade down her back. Maybe he didn't blame Jeongguk for blindly attempting to share a relationship with her. Well, not as much as he previously did.

"I thought it'd be awkward, you know?" Jeongguk adds, "But it was pretty normal, we talked and drank together, it was kinda nice," he continues, shrugging vaguely as he swipes to the left on the tactile screen. A video starts playing and Jeongguk chuckles faintly, "That's when I jumped in the pool carrying her. She hit me after the video stopped but it was totally worth it."

Jeongguk rants more about his short time away, Taehyung catching himself smiling fondly at him as the younger's uses his hands to illustrate his tale.

Taehyung thinks he's used to it now - looking at Jeongguk that is - but the stirring feeling that grows at the bottom of his stomach sets an uneasy taste on his tongue. As if it was something he should never really want to explore completely, that he should stay away from. But the truth is that he could listen to the first year talk for hours without getting bored, that he could just sit and admire him as a person without looking at his watch once.

It could become a problem with time, but it is good to have Jeongguk here, in the dorms again, to watch How to Get Away With Murder with him at night, to sneak beers in without the dean catching them, to walk aimlessly around the campus on chilly afternoons.

And even if Taehyung still misses Seokjin - no matter how many texts he sends him, how many time they FaceTime -, Jeongguk's presence somehow makes up for it.

It is very distinct, the difference between living with Seokjin and living with Jeongguk, almost opposite and it makes Taehyung think that maybe he had always longed for this sort of interactions. Unlike the ones he shared with his hyung that pampered him like an older brother would - or perhaps a father - Jeongguk didn't treat him as something as fragile. Even when he worried about his health or his lack of sleep around due dates, Jeongguk never babied him.

Jeongguk let him hurt sometimes, he let him be tired, he let him be angry, he let him feel.

And Jeongguk made him think.

The break eventually comes to an end, classes and homework piling up on both Taehyung and Jeongguk's desks in only a couple days, reducing the opportunities of properly hanging out to a very small number. But even when they barely have the strength to keep both eyes open, the two always manage to enjoy a movie night every once in a while.

As their schedules allow them more freedom - as in not being forced to stay in the library until they're basically kicked out by the librarian -, they get to marathon the new season of Game of Thrones. They both agree on a two-episode limitation per viewing, both curled in blankets on top of Taehyung's mattress.

This sort of ritual they go through more often than not helps Taehyung deal with the anxiety of midterms approaching with giant steps. It takes his mind off the building tension in his shoulders and guts.

Jeongguk gradually getting more physically close to him helps too. Only maybe it doesn't exactly do that - help. Taehyung notices it all; How two individual blankets eventually became a larger one that they both tug on, how Jeongguk would sometimes pull Taehyung in between his legs and comment the episodes over his shoulder as if it was nothing.

And okay, Taehyung has to concede that it isn't anything to fuss about since it was what regular friends do.

But Taehyung isn't a tactile person.

He doesn't mind hugging, he doesn't mind it at all. But the discreet brushes of Jeongguk's fingers over his arms or back seem to leave him hanging. Hanging and hanging for something he cannot describe. And Taehyung can always put a definition on whatever it is he is experiencing.

That's why he thinks until his temples pound with an unwelcomed headache almost every night while the younger snores peacefully.

Taehyung tries to push the unecessary thoughts aside because he doesn't have the time for it. Focusing on finishing the revision cards or the multiple essays he needed to find the problematics to. But his mind doesn't let him be.

As they wait for their pints of beer to be delivered, Taehyung cannot stop fidgeting, hands tugging and scratching the plaid shirt tied around his hips nervously, teeth sinking into his bottom lip, bruising and wounding.

He peeks at Jeongguk, sitting across from him, his bomber jacket revealing a deep cut white t-shirt underneath, "Do you miss being in a relationship?"

It comes out of nowhere, he'll give Jeongguk that. But it also doesn't, the idea trotting and hopping in his thoughts without his consent for a while.

Jeongguk almost snaps his neck to look at him, a frown distorting his face, "What?"

Taehyung licks his lip nervously, hates the metallic taste it leaves on his palet, "Do you miss being in a relationship," he repeats just as steadily, letting go of his shirt to tap his fingers on the wooden surface of the table.

"Hum, well," Jeongguk trails, backing away in his chair, "Not really. I never thought about it to be honest, because I'm fine with the ways things are."

The older hums to himself, "I see."

"That's it?" Jeongguk asks, sounding slightly annoyed. "You aren't going to explain why you suddenly show interest in my romantic status?"

It is because Taehyung ignores why himself. He shouldn't even be preoccupied by that.

The waiter finally brings them their orders, apologizing for the wait before he vanishes inside of the bar again.

"So?"

Taehyung sighs, "I don't know."

Jeongguk chuckles, reaching for his glass, "Really? I'm sure you can do better than that."

Taehyung grabs his own beer and lifts it to his mouth, "Look, it just came out like that," he assures, finally drinking, swallowing huge sips before he settles his glass back down. "Does it need to have any sort of explanation behind it? I'm just concerned about you."

"You're worried."

Jeongguk's voice echoes in Taehyung's head, pointing an accusing finger at him. It laughs at him, makes him draw abstract shapes over the edges of his glass as a distraction.

"If I missed my ex, you'd already know," Jeongguk says, reaching across the table to soothe the top of Taehyung's hand, "And if I was ever feeling sad or lonely, you'd know about that too."

Taehyung can feel the twitch in his arm, but he doesn't take his hand back, lets Jeongguk rub it, vainly attempting to persuade himself that it was because he thought Jeongguk needed that contact more than he did.

"It is true that I sometimes think about the break up, but that's what happens," the younger continues, fingers crawling upwards to hold Taehyung's wrist. "That doesn't mean I am desperate to find someone new. When the time comes, I'll just date again. "

Taehyung wants to leave. Because leaving in a haste would be way easier than finding a response to what Jeongguk told him.

Taehyung isn't good when it comes to feelings, he is even worse when it comes to someone else's.

He lets out a hollow chuckle, the skin of his wrist burning under Jeongguk's touch, "I'm sorry for the sudden questioning," he says rapidly. "I just -"

"Let it slide," Jeongguk cuts him, squeezing the older's wrist, "I won't stay single forever, someone will come around. "

"Isn't there a girl you have an eye on?" Taehyung hears himself asks, immediately cursing his mouth for betraying him.

Jeongguk curves an eyebrow, retrieving his hand to adjust his jacket, "There isn't."

Taehyung pinches his lips together, staring at his arm. He is almost surprised not to see some proof of Jeongguk's previous touch around his wrist, "A boy then?"

"No, no boy either," Jeongguk replies with a calm smile.

Exactly two weeks after their bar conversation Jeongguk gets so sick that he is forced to stay in bed for three entire days. The campus' doctor had been clear, what his body needed more than medicine was some good rest.

"Come on, I can help you with the laundry, it isn't like it is anything constricting or physically tiring," he groans, already sitting up. "Please, if I lie on this damn bed for another hour doing nothing I'm going to lose it!"

Taehyung looks at him over his shoulder from where he is crouching on the floor, "Let me think... No."

Jeongguk angrily pushes the covers off his legs, " It is literally two floors down from here hyung, I'm not going to collapse in the stairs! "

"What if you do?", Taehyung retorts, throwing a pair of socks in the basket. "The doctor would yell at me for being a bad friend."

"No he wouldn't."

"He would."

"I am coming," Jeongguk grunts, opening his drawer to grab a pair of sweatpants, "You don't even have to agree to it, but I am coming."

In the end Taehyung waits for Jeongguk to be descently dressed and walk to the laundry room with him. And okay, it isn't so bad to have someone to talk to as he waits for the cleaning cycle to end.

"What time does Seokjin hyung arrive on saturday?"

Taehyung pouts for a moment, "He lands around four, so probably around six."

Jeongguk nods, "I'll be sure to meet my friends so the two of you can be on your own," he assures before a coughing fit forces him to pause. "Since you haven't seen each other in a while."

"It isn't necessary," Taehyung sighs, glancing up from his phone. "The room is yours too."

"You don't want to make him stay at a hotel, do you? 

Taehyung lowers his phone to his lap, "Of course I don't. But if I ask the dean he will give us another mattress." When the younger gives him a questioning look, Taehyung elaborates further, "Seokjin gave him cupcakes or cookies almost every morning when he still lived here, the dude loves him."

On the next day two first year student stop by Taehyung and Jeongguk's room to give the later copies of the lessons he had missed. They stay when Jeongguk starts typing them onto his computer, giving him details about the work they had been asigned and gossiping about other students.

Taehyung tries not to pay attention to their lively chatter as he reads an obligatory book about the European Union's history, surligning some passages with a yellow marker. But the bribes of conversation his ear catch seem to remind him how the seemingly small gap of two years between him and Jeongguk wasn't so insignificant.

It shouldn't pain him as it does.

But Taehyung has come to accept that he really, really likes sharing his time with Jeongguk. The swelling affection he undenyingly felt for the younger boy had been the hardest thing to embrace. It had taken Taehyung weeks to even consider it. And seeing him laugh, have fun with others tucked at a thread dangerously getting thicker with time. Like a vine would crawl and gain more ground with the sole help of sunlight and rain, it only grew in intensity and size.

Taehyung wishes he could be enough for Jeongguk. 

It is a selfish and possessive thought, but Taehyung cannot help it, even when he is well aware that he could never offer Jeongguk everything he needs.

"She totally wants to hook up with you," Taehyung over-hears. "She told me so yesterday."

Jeongguk chuckles and Taehyung swears he can grasp the discomfort in his voice from how obvious it is, "Good for her I guess," he shrugs off. "I am not interested though."

His friend slaps him playfully on the shoulder, "Are you kidding? Have you seen her?"

Taehyung grimaces, pushing his glasses up his nose as he unsuccessfuly tries to get his attention back on the page in front of him.

"I have, and I am still not interested."

The other boy lies back down on the bed, his hands tucked under his head, "You could at least have a drink with her, she'd appreciate that."

"I'll consider it."

Taehyung blinks once, peeking over his book for a second.

"Hey, there's nothing to lose," Jeongguk's classmate claims.

Okay, maybe Taehyung could be somewhat cold, even appear as heartless but he would never force Jeongguk onto a date he obviously didn't want to go to.

Taehyung leaves soon after that, unable to do anything productive anyway.

He comes back from the kitchen about an hour later and is delighted to find Jeongguk alone.

With difficulty, he sits cross-legged while holding two bowls of stew, his hands suffering from the heat of the porcelain recipients.

"There you go."

Jeongguk accepts the food with a bow of the head, "Ramyeon would've been enough," he says, eyeing the meat and vegetables bathing in the soup. "You didn't need to waste an hour preparing that for me."

Taehyung smiles, patting his head for a while once he's settled his bowl down on the linoleum, "I am free to waste my time however the hell I want," he states seriously before ruffling Jeongguk's hair.

Jeongguk lets out a low humming sound once he's eaten his first spoon, "Okay, this is crazy delicious hyung, I am serious."

" Seokjin's recipe, " Taehyung confesses. He blows on his own portion of stew for a while, glances at the first year sitting across him on the floor. "You'll thank him tomorrow for sharing it with me and actually teaching me how to cook. And let me tell you, that took a whole lot of patience and burnt rice. "

The younger giggles, "He seems to really like you."

"I'm sure he's going to like you too."

Seokjin arrives earlier than anticipated and so he meets Jeongguk - that doesn't refrain from thanking him for the stew before leaving the dorms.

"Is your roommate as nice as he seems?" Seokjin asks, staring at the closed door.

Taehyung sighs, quietly thinking about how Jeongguk told him he could sleep in his bed if he wanted to, "He is."

Seokjin pivots gracefully on his heels, "That's it? He's nice?"

Taehyung glares at him while he adjusts his coat around his shoulders.

"Okay, okay, I won't ask again," Seokjin says, lifting both of his arms above his head mockingly. "Please don't murder me." 

They roam around the campus, relenting in the remembrance of the years they spent together as roommates, nostalgia not tasting as bitter as it used to.

"I do appreciate him a lot, but that's it," Taehyung states as they share a chocolate fondant in a restaurant Seokjin used to work at. "I think I got attached to him, but then again, I got attached to you as well."

The older smiles fondly around his silver spoon, as if he could read right through him, and Taehyung wants to slap the knowing expression off his face, "You know, I haven't asked you about any of this, I just wanted to know if you got along alright," he declares, sinking the piece of cuttlery back in the cake. 

Taehyung rubs his elbow, shifting on his seat, "Hyung you made it quiet clear you wanted to hear more about him."

"Granted, I did."

Seokjin stares at him with a malicious glint in his eyes, twirling his spoon on top of the now empty plate.

"What?"

"Now that you've accepted to talk about him, I am curious," Seokjin states bluntly.

Taehyung shuts his eyes, inhaling deeply through his nose.

The older clears his throat and takes a sip of his red wine, never breaking eye contact with Taehyung, "Tell me more."

"I don't know what to say, I like being around him."

Seokjin lets out a satisfied sigh, making his wrist rotate to make the blood-colored liquid swirl inside the glass, "Ah, see! That's something, just keep going."

Taehyung trusts Seokjin, he'd trust him with his life.

But talking about his own emotions, how they diverged and morphed because of someone else, still appeared to be a difficult thing to do. He never opened up about anyone to Seokjin - nor to anyone else - and it all made sense when a crush was something Taehyung had never experienced. It was another term he'd hear about all the time and nonchalently nodded to as if he knew a single thing about it.

"Jeongguk is a good friend," Taehyung blurts out, feeling embarrassement flush his cheeks a light pink color. "I just - I don't understand why I enjoy being around him so much."

Seokjin grins as if he already knew the answers to questions Taehyung didn't even think about yet, "What's so wrong about that? Is there really an issue there?"

"You know me well enough to understand why this is disturbing me."

The oldest coos and Taehyung's toes curl inside his shoes. "Did Jeongguk manage to melt your stone cold heart?" he says more than asks. "I've never seen you act so nervous because of someone in two years."

"Cut it out hyung."

Seokjin erupts in a bright laughter, settling his glass back down, "Ican't believe that boy is slowly peeling the layers you've been building around you your entire life." He pauses, his expression softening and his giggling coming to a halt. "You should let him in, Tae."

Taehyung shakes his head, smiling because well, "I don't know how to do that hyung," he chuckles sadly. "And I'm not even sure I want to."

"But you still like him a lot, don't you?"

It is a yes or no question, an easy one too. But Taehyung can't pick either of the obvious options presented to him. He doesn't know which one is closer to the truth, he ignores if finding out about that was a thing he wanted.

"I - I don't," he stutters, "Hyung, I don't know..."

Seokjin tilts his head to the side, pouting slightly. "I am pretty sure you do," he says. " You're just too scared to seize it. "

Maybe he is right. But as much as he looks into it, Taehyung cannot visualize the answer, it remains blurry and indecipherable.

Taehyung sighs loudly, "I like having him in my life, that's all I know," he articulates with difficulty, uncomfortable with his own wording. "Maybe I don't want him to leave," he adds quickly.

Seokjin's voice is so muffled that Taehyung barely catches it, "And if he stays?"

Taehyung stills completely, dread threading through his veins like a vicious poison, and there's nothing he can really do but take the simple question and make it his. He lets it crawl all the way up to his brain, tries to mold it so it can take a shape he'd prefer, a meaning that didn't make him feel like a weight had just been dropped in his stomach.

"I -" He stops himself, struck by the implications of the words he barely keeps to himself.

Seokjin waits patiently, an unreadable expression painting his face.

"As long as he stays," the weariness of this voice leaves Taehyung's heart palpitating in a way it never had before. "If he stays, I don't care."

"About what you want him to be?"

The loudness of the restaurant suddenly becomes unbearable, the sound of women giggling artifically to please a lover or a friend, the waiters' polite suggestions, it all infuriates Taehyung.

He gives an almost imperceptible nod.

Chapter Text

Two.

Seokjin is long gone into sleep while Taehyung keeps shuffling in Jeongguk's bed, never quite finding an appropriate position to lie in.

He had never paid attention to the way the younger smelt, but the scent emanating from the sheets, from the pillow case below his head, leaves him dizzy. His body refuses to relax and no matter how many times he goes through his breathing ritual - the one that usually would knock him out in a couple minutes -, thoughts of his conversation with his hyung keep him awake.

The worst of it all is how it hasn't even helped him, he still hasn't come to any conclusion or possible solution to his problem. Taehyung is restless, his own words echoing through his head as it it was an empty cavern. These words he had admitted with harsh difficulty stare back at him, and yes, he meant them all.

Taehyung wanted Jeon Jeongguk to be a constant, permanent and unmoving part of his life.

When his body finally gives in to its general exhaustion the clock on the dorm room strikes four, so it is only natural that when he is woken up at eight - on a sunday morning - Taehyung spits out shallow curses.

Taehyung growls, burying his nose in Jeongguk's plush pillow, "Five more minutes Guk."

"It's Seokjin, but I guess that doesn't matter," his hyung sighs, securing a belt around his hips. "As long as you get out of bed." 

The younger quirks his eyes open reluctantly, glaring at the blurry silhouette of Seokjin. After he's protested for another minute, he slides out of bed, legs still half-asleep.

Seokjin notices the dark circles under his eyes, the redness in his eyes as he puts his socks on, "You look..." He pauses, tilting his head to observe Taehyung more closely, "Terrible. I thought leaving the restaurant early would help avoiding that, but that obviously didn't work."

Taehyung tiredly grabs his vanity case, "It really didn't."

"How come?"

"I couldn't stop my brain from functionning."

Taehyung rides a cab to the airport with Seokjin, and it feels like his hyung is leaving him all over again.

He knows Seokjin is going to come again, that he wouldn't stop sending him pictures of the huge variety of dishes he would eat while he traveled for work, but Taehyung still dreads the moment the older would have to climb on his plane.

"Want to tell me about what your brain bothered you with all night long?"

Taehyung drops his head, opening his wallet as they wait in the queue of some over-crowded food shop.

Seokjin pats the place between his shoulderblades, "Is it our conversation that kept you awake?"

The younger lifts his chin, folding a bill between his fingers, "Possibly."

" I'm sorry, seems like I made you think about something you weren't ready to think about," Seokjin apologizes, rubbing Taehyung's shoulder as they waddle closer to the counter. He captures his bottom lip behind his teeth, lowering his glance to the - quite dirty - floor, "You don't need answers Taehyung, you don't need them now."

Taehyung would love to disagree with that.

If there was one thing he desired, it was to get rid of all the puzzle pieces that were hoarding endlessly in his - once organized and simple - life.

"I can't keep acting as if Jeongguk wasn't the problem I can't solve," he sighs.

Seokjin's tight lipped smile softens, "He really does mean something to you," he says to himself.

Taehyung catches it perfectly, "Of course he does," he scoffs, wincing when a middle aged man bumps into him on his way out, "I am just scared it doesn't go both ways."

"You want him to care about you too?"

Taehyung is forced to absorb his hyung's allusion, to look at it and assent its signification. "Maybe I do."

Seokjin pulls him into a tight hug, not giving a single damn about the weird looks people shoot in their direction, "I thought this day would never come!"

"Hyung, this is embarrassing "

"Sorry, sorry." Seokjin grins as they arrive near the ordering spot of the shop, "You'll be just fine."

Taehyung stays until Seokjn is forced to board his plane - after another heartfelt hug -, and rides back to the campus on his own, thoughts drifting away as he watches the scenery unfold outside the fogged up car window.

Jeongguk is lying on his stomach reading through his friends' photocopies when Taehyung walks in. He can distinguish the faint humming of a song coming from the younger's headphones as he closes the door unnoticed.

He slides off his jacket and kicks his shoes off, watching them bounce against the foot of his desk.

"You're back already?" Jeongguk asks, taking the earphones off. "Have you eaten lunch?"

Taehyung shakes his head, rolling the sleeves of his shirt up to his elbows.

Jeongguk sits up, "I was thinking about ordering some take out but both of our budgets are pretty tight, so what about ramyeon?"

"There is still some stew left in the fridge downstairs," Taehyung states as he drops harshly in his rolling chair. "Go ahead and have some, I'm not hungry yet."

The younger pokes the inside of his cheek with his tongue as he stares at the back of Taehyung's head, "Are you okay?"

"Why do you ask?"

Way to be nice Taehyung.

"I just," Jeongguk starts, gaining a standing position, "I thought you looked a little bit sad, "he says, walking until his hips buck against the back of Taehyung's chair. "Did you want Seokjin-hyung to stay longer?"

The opportunity is practically offered on a silver platter so Taehyung takes it gratefuly. Whatever floats Jeongguk's boat, "Maybe."

Jeongguk's fingers find the nape of Taehyung's neck, subtly grazing the sensible skin. It makes Taehyung relax his tense shoulders, lowering his chin as to offer a better access, to let Jeongguk's ministrations travel more south.

"Nice."

"What is?"

Taehyung's head falls back, his lips parting around a low moan, "This."

The gentle pressure of the younger's fingers pacifies his everything, pushes all of the questioning aside. And the internal quarelling that had kept him awake at night, the doubts about his identity, they all seem to evaporate with the simple slide of the pads of Jeongguk's fingers under the collar of his shirt.

It ignites a fire upon his tan flesh, sends shivers down each vertebrae that composes his spine, causes a quiet heat to pool somewhere in his chest right below his sternum.

"You're tense."

"Mhmm," Taehyung moans.

Jeongguk sighs, dragging the older's shirt further down his back, exposing his trapezius, "Is there anything you'd like to talk about?" He pauses, his quiet caresses reaching the place that separates Taehyung's shoulderblades, "It's quite obvious something's on your mind."

The somewhat calloused fingers glide upwards until they're threading through the hair at the birth of Taehyung's neck, gentle enough to make the older's bottom lip quiver.

"So?"

Taehyung groans when Jeongguk finds a muscular knot below his trapezius, turning the fondles into more precises movements, thumbs roaming over the bump expertly, "Nothing, there's nothing," he blurts out.

"I think I've come to know you well enough to be able to tell when you're not telling the truth."

Opening his eyes and still trapped in some sort of transe, Taehyung finds Jeongguk leaning over him, perched over his chair. It is weird to see him upside down, really, but Taehyung can't avert his glance. Of course this had happened a hundred times - Taehyung and Jeongguk staring at each other - but the older's nails dig in the soft material of the armrest of his chair in a vain attempt to keep himself grounded.

There is a trace of something in Jeongguk's eyes that makes Taehyung want to crawl out of his skin.

"You're not even going to deny it?" Jeongguk's voice is more vibration than sound, but Taehyung gets it.

"I have nothing to tell you."

Jeongguk's hands burn holes in Taehyung's nape, the most imperceptible slither of his fingers still very distinct to the older. Taehyung is too aware of it, of the place where their skins meet and seem to blend together; the contact tranquillizing his nerves and unleashing all of his well-kept insecurities all at once.

It couldn't be comfortable for Jeongguk to be bent this way, his neck was probably hurting, but none of them moves.

Jeongguk's expression softens, "You worry about me so let me worry about you too hyung."

This is the weirdest request Jeongguk has ever voiced and Taehyung isn't sure how to respond to it. Taehyung uses his fingers to brush away some strands of chestnut hair falling on the younger's eyes, "There is no need for you to worry."

Jeongguk lets out a sigh, finally straightening his back, his thumbs' ministrations sustaining, "If you say so."

The weekend comes to an end and Jeongguk's health goes back to normal. After a short visit at the doctor's office he is given the permision to go back to class normally by tuesday.

Taehyung spares him from their scheduled english tutoring session and lets him hang out at one of his friends' place instead. His bed remains empty that night and when Taehyung runs into him the next day it is in the cafeteria queue with a bag filled with the heaviest books Taehyung thinks actually exist.

"You never answered my texts."

Jeongguk jumps a little on the spot, "Shit! You scared me!"

Taehyung giggles, patting the younger's arm, "Oops, didn't mean to."

"My phone ran out of battery and nobody thought that bringing a compatible charger was necessary. Not even me " Jeongguk states as he takes a step forward and closer to the ordering counter. "Can I treat you to lunch as an apology?"

"It isn't necessary, but I'm not going to say no to the offer," Taehyung says, his smile widening.

Jeongguk curves a curious eyebrow, opening his wallet to fetch his student ID, "You seem to be in a really good mood," he observes. "What is that nice not having me around?"

Before Taehyung can give him an answer, the cashier asks for their orders along with the payment.

The weather is not so chilly for early fall so they agree to settle on the still-green grass of their campus' park.

Taehyung takes his jacket off and lays it down under him to keep his butt dry and clean - the morning dew leaving the ground humid until midday. His stomach is growling as if he hadn't been fed for days even after he's done eating half of his turkey sandwich and he really can't blame Jeongguk for laughing at the sound.

"So, got any good news?"

Taehyung stops chewing for a moment, swallows his bite with difficulty, "Not that I am aware of," he notes calmly. "Is it that weird to see me smile?"

"It isn't so much about you smiling," Jeongguk corrects, making the cap of his water bottle roll between his fingers, "It's just that I have never seen you smile so genuinely before. I mean, like never ever."

If Taehyung previously never cared about his facial expression or the impression he gave by sight before, he does now. Did people see him as some sort of blank, impassible and unimpressed fucktard?

"I guess I just don't like pretending I'm happy when I'm not."

And god does he mean it.

He loathed seeing people getting out of their way to please others, putting on some fake show, some mask to lure their friends or families into thinking they were satisfied with things as they were when it wasn't the case.

"So you're happy now?" Jeongguk states more than asks.

Taehyung agrees with a nod as he watches Jeongguk tilt his head back to drink, his eyes scooting towards the column of his neck where his Adam apple bops up and down as he swallows, "I am."

Jeongguk screws the cap back on the bottle, sealing it again. His tongue goes out to lick at the remains of water on his mouth.

To Taehyung, this ephemeral action lasts an eternity. He instinctively mirrors the younger, humidifying his own lips as he forces his eyes to focus on the food in his hands. He was sitting outside, obviously, but he felt like he needed some fresh air still.

"What's your next class?"

Taehyung unlocks his phone, browsing through the university website until he's on the correct page, "Usually Common Law but it doesn't appear, that's odd."

"Maybe it's been cancelled."

"That sounds too good to be true," Taehyung alleges in a giggle. "I'll stop by and see for myself."

And so he does. Only to angrily shove his computer back in its case and into his bag twenty minutes later, mentally scolding the teacher for not sending an email to signify his absence. Really, what was so hard about warning people beforehand?

Jeongguk has a free period after his first afternoon class so Taehyung sits near the entrance of the classroom, scrolling through social media in the meantime.

"How long have you been there?"

Taehyung glances up, "Thirty - Forty minutes tops?"

Jeongguk smiles down at him and ruffles his hair affectionately.

The gesture shouldn't make Taehyung's stomach curl the way it does. But there is an undeniable tenderness in Jeongguk's eyes that Taehyung can't even begin to describe. Jeongguk's eyes are counting a story so intense and intimate - almost visceral - that Taehyung's head starts to spin.

Jeongguk had never looked at him like that before.

The fact that Taehyung could pinpoint the difference in Jeongguk's stare makes him want to run for shelter or roll into a ball right there in the middle of the hallway. Observing the other turned out to be a habit that Taehyung didn't necessarily want to get rid of. It should freak him out to just concede to this fact.

Because Taehyung isn't like that. That was the antipode of who he was.

"Let's get out of here."

Jeongguk's voice pulls Taehyung out of his thoughts and he quietly follows the freshman, the frame of his shoulders getting further and further away as he slows down his pace unconsciously.

He had been told about that look, he can fathom its meaning. And for it to come from Jeongguk is both blissful and astonishing.

Jeongguk halts, pivoting on his heels to glance at Taehyung over his shoulder, "Aren't you coming?"

They take their chococcinos to go and settle on a bench near the coffee shop.

The weather is quite nice, a timid sun peeking between the clouds from time to time, its rays bathing Taehyung's skin in a warmth that makes him yearn for a nap. Even the distant chatter of students doesn't interfere with that sleepy envy, somehow makes it even bigger.

"You really shouldn't doze off here, you'll catch a cold."

Taehyung angles his head until his cheek finds the fuzy inside of the hood of his jacket, "I won't."

Jeongguk lets out a contained sigh, eyes fixed on him.

Taehyung feels the weight of his stare, tries to ignore it as best he can. He looks away again, admires the large white puffs crossing the sky over the campus, marveling at how the shapes would invariably distort into others.

Taehyung thinks that his irregular and messy sleeping schedule definitely isn't good on him because he starts comparing the clouds to his own situation - it sounds exactly as silly as it is. Jeongguk would be the wind and he would be the clouds, converging into someone slightly different, but theorically identical.

He really needed to go to bed earlier.

"What's on your mind?" Jeongguk utters.

"A lot of things."

"Like what?"

Taehyung munches on his bottom lip for a moment. Would it be rude or the triggering factor to some undesired conversation if he answered 'you'?

"Feelings."

Jeongguk shifts on the wooden bench, flattening some wrinkles on his jeans that only him can see, "Yours?"

Taehyung chances another look in his direction, "Thinking about other people's feelings would be useless."

"Yeah, you - you're right," Jeongguk concedes in a nervous laughter.

"I'm sorry if I don't open to you about personal stuff," Taehyung confesses. "Especially since you do." Jeongguk's side feels hot against his own, bodies connecting from the hip down to the knees. Taehyung ponders on moving away, or maybe sliding even closer to him. He doesn't make up his mind. "It's nothing against you, I promise. I'd love to do that but I'd probably be dishonest to the both of us if I ever did."

"I don't get it."

Taehyung's smile extends until his mouths forms an almost rectangular shape, "Well that makes two of us."

The remaining quarter of their break is spend in a comfortable silence and Taehyung has to remind himself that he still has a three hour long class to attend when his eyes fall shut and his head drops to Jeongguk's shoulder.

Early november is an extremely busy period for Taehyung. Especially since he still hasn't gotten any positive response from the agencies he had contacted during his search for an internship.

Jeongguk seems to discern the change in the older's attitude.

Therefore, he refrains from doing the things he would normally want to do. Like suggesting that they'd both finish Game of Thrones together or going out to party on saturdays. He lets Taehyung breathe, gives him space and brings him cups of tea when he knows the older is pulling all-nighters on scholar days, cooks more often than not to relieve him of as much stress as he can.

And Taehyung is thankful for that.

He gets a positive come-back in the middle of one of his tutored lessons. It wasn't his first choice, more of an emergency application but Taehyung is delighted.

When he drags himself back to the dorms Jeongguk is nowhere to be seen, his folders and notebooks neatly ordered on his desk and shelves - which was quite a rare sight. His eyebrows rise on his forehead because well, for once Jeongguk's side of the room wasn't the messiest.

He retrieves his phone and dials Seokjin's number. An easy thing to do since his hyung is the #1 contact in his list - Seokjin really liked chatting with Taehyung, sue him.

The line rings three times before he picks up, "Is everything okay? Do you need anything? Some money, some of my old notes? I still have them somewhere I'm sure I can -"

"Hyung, chill, I'm fine." If Taehyung had rolled his eyes any further he would've seen his brain. "I just called to tell you I got an internship." A high pitched squeal startles Taehyung, making him urgently move the phone away from his ear. It is miraculous the object isn't sent flying across the dorm. "I think a part of my eardrum just fell off."

Seokjin is now cackling, "I was sure you'd be fine!"

"Hyung, you've been calling me every single day this week to check on the situation," he mocks, "but thanks."

"Of course," Seokjin chants. "I actually need to take the wheel right now but you can bet your sweet ass that I'm coming to visit you soon."

Taehyung snorts, "Be sure to send me a text before you do."

"When have I not?"

Jeongguk books a ticket to spend another weekend in Busan on monday.

Taehyung watches him as he stuffs a large backpack with two pairs of socks and underwear an hour before his train leaves, "Aren't you afraid to be late?"

The younger shakes his head, unable to contain a grin from expending on his lips, "Hyung, the station is literally ten minutes away, it's fine, I'm in no rush."

Taehyung huffs and slides down his chair, propping his weight on his tailbone, "There's a party tonight. Would've been nice for us to go."

"Uh? You should've told me, I would've changed my plans!"

He gets up from his crouching position to close the distance that leads to Taehyung. He stands motionless for a while, staring down at the older with a serious expression on his face.

"It's fine, there will be others."

Jeongguk's mouth melts into a weak smile, "You know, we live in the same damn room but we're so busy lately that we barely see each other."

It was true. The previous weeks had been crowded with mid-semester assignments and exams, reducing their time together to a couple minutes a day. Even their usual studying sessions at the library had stopped, swapped with additional tutored lessons.

The only thing that bugged Taehyung was why Jeongguk had chosen to mention it now and not some other time.

"What I mean is that I'd like to be with you more often," Jeongguk says as he bends and invades Taehyung's personal space without an ounce of hesitation.

Taehyung's breath catches in the back of his throat at the sudden proximity. He can see the younger's scar very clearly, can almost measure its depth just by looking at it; he can smell his cologne's subtle scent. And it is a lot to take in all at once.

"Would that be okay with you?" Jeongguk asks, as he moves his head even closer. "Spending more time together?"

And Taehyung doesn't have the heart to deceive Jeongguk, to refuse him anything. It probably marks the beginning of his own demise but he simply cannot let Jeongguk down, "I-I guess -"

He swallows some saliva that's been pooling on his tongue and watches Jeongguk, looks out for any change in his attitude or body language.

"Good " Jeongguk chuckles faintly.

The affection Taehyung can read in Jeongguk's eyes doesn't startle him this time.

Jeongguk grabs his knee with a trembling hand, searching for some anchoring point. Fingers scrape at his thigh, nails digging through his ripped jeans and Taehyung holds on to the feeling as if it was his lifeline.

It hurt, so it was real.

"I should get going," Jeongguk whispers, still bent and towering over Taehyung, "Or else I'm really going to miss my train."

Taehyung cannot help but notice how the other's pupils had enlarged, how the usually calm orbs seemed to be burning with anticipation, "Sure."

Jeongguk bites on his bottom lip and Taehyung thinks his brain is about to melt.

He had been really cautious since he first found out how much he wanted to discover how the younger's mouth would feel against his own. He had repeled and postponed the obvious for almost a month, trapping the ugly truth under an insane amount of denial. But now that Jeongguk is hovering over him, a couple inches away from him, he feels the walls he has built slowly crumble down, the bricks shattering one by one.

His gaze drops to the younger's mouth and he has to overcome the urge to lean in.

"I'll see you on sunday."

And just like that, Jeongguk is gone.

Midterms are over, the amount of homework they're assigned kept to an acceptable one digit number per week but Taehyung is sure he should've spent his weekend studying instead of overthinking.

The last interaction he shared with Jeongguk lingers in his mind when he tries to focus on his paper about divorce and child neglect, when he waits for the rice-cooker to do its job, when he showers, when he is supposed to be asleep.

He is not familiar with the need to understand what someone wants from him. Of course it had been natural to yearn for his friends' and family's happiness and fulfillment but Taehyung had never craved to know what someone like Jeongguk could expect from him.

As he anxiously awaits his return from Busan, he realizes that it isn't the thing he should be prioritizing.

Because what about him? What about what he wanted from Jeongguk?

He is woken up by a hand on his shoulder, gently shaking him back to consciousness.

"Hey, I'm back."

Taehyung groans, wiping the corner of his mouth with his sleeve, realizing he's fallen asleep on his desk, "Hi."

"Did you go to the party?"

Taehyung shakes his head, grabbing his glasses to unfold them and place them on his nose, "No, I did not," he sighs. "Would've been quite boring without you."

"Hyung, why do you only hang out with me?"

Taehyung lowers his chin to his opened palm, "Hum, why do you care?"

The coldness in his voice isn't desired, but it still comes out in this hostile way. It is the only thing he can do, a futile attempt to protect himself from whatever Jeongguk had brought to his life.

Jeongguk heaves a sigh "I never see you with people from your year outside of classes," he declares, opening his bag. "Don't you want to make some friends other than me?"

"Why would I want that?"

"I don't know hyung," Jeongguk laments, throwing a shirt in their laundry basket, "It'd be nice for you to be around people your age from time to time."

Taehyung scowls at him, pretending to busy himself with a pile of notes, "I don't need that."

The younger gets up, stomping towards the older's desk, making his chair pivot so he is forced to face him; but Taehyung is determined on avoiding any visual confrontation.

"What is the matter with you?"

Taehyung glares up at him, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"You've been acting weird since I came back," Jeongguk stresses, "As if I disgusted you or something."

The older narrows his eyes, gripping the armrests of his chair, "It's just that -"

"What?" Jeongguk urges, stepping closer until he is standing between Taehyung's parted knees. "It's just what?"

Taehyung throws his head back against the headrest, his heart beating loudly at his temples, "You don't disgust me, you really don't!"

Jeongguk glances to the side for a moment, as if it could help him calm down, "Then what is the problem here? Why can't you maintain eye contact with me for more than two fucking seconds?"

"Jeong -"

"No, don't 'Jeongguk' me," the younger hisses.

"Remember when I said I couldn't share personal things with you?" Taehyung asks. "How I would be dishonest if I ever did? Well, I cannot discuss this with you right now."

Then Jeongguk is leaning over Taehyung again, the same way he had two days earlier and Taehyung's blood is boiling in his veins.

"Look at me hyung."

And Taehyung does, his knuckles turning white from how roughly he is holding the leather of his chair, "I am."

"What have I done? Why are you acting like this?"

"Nothing!" Taehyung yells, straightening on his chair, "You've done absolutely nothing Jeongguk, you're a goddamn saint!"

Taehyung can't recall how they ended up here, arguing like two children and pointing accusing fingers at each other.

"You're so annoying," Jeongguk groans.

His mouth finds Taehyung's before the other can do or say anything.

Taehyung lets out a choked gasp, his muscles refusing to respond, leaving him frozen in place.

The younger tilts his head to the side and presses forward, palms finding the meat of Taehyung's thighs, mouth moving against his roommate's as if they had been doing it for years.

It is nothing Taehyung had ever imagined it to be - kissing Jeongguk. It is much more intense, the softness of his lips failing to tame the growing fire at the bottom of his stomach. And he is too entranced to even think about running away, slowly and surely drowning in a pit of physical desire.

Jeongguk pulls back, his breath coming out in short puffs against Taehyung's mouth.

"What was -"

The younger plasters his mouth on top of Taehyung's again before he can formulate his question, flattening his tongue over the plumpness of Taehyung's bottom lip.

Taehyung's eyes roll in his skull as his jaw relaxes on a moan, letting the younger slide his tongue past his teeth and into the heat of his mouth. His hands finally release the armrests and he hesitantly raises one to hold Jeongguk by the neck, fingers threading with the chestnut hair at the nape.

It is a game of give and take, Jeongguk pushing while Taehyung pulls, their mouths and tongues finding a steady rhythm that leaves the older's mind completely blank.

"Jeongguk," Taehyung gasps against his mouth, "What is this?" He moves away, the chair creaking under the strength of his movement. When the younger leans in again he forces a hand in between them. "You can't just kiss me whenever I try to talk."

"I don't know hyung," Jeongguk wails. "I have no fucking idea what this is," His palms shake around the older's thighs. "I don't fucking know," he pleads, knocking his forehead against Taehyung's gently. "I don't know anything Tae."

Taehyung's teeth sink in his bottom lip as he pulls Jeongguk into an half-sitting-half-standing hug.

He soothes a hand down his nape, "It's okay," he lies. "It's fine."

Jeongguk's fingers dig into his skin so hard that Taehyung feels it through his jeans.

"Hey," he utters, lifting Jeongguk's chin with the help of a finger, "It's okay," he repeats

Jeongguk shakes his head urgently, "Please tell me I didn't ruin everything, that I didn't make things awkward," he cries, letting his hands crawl up to cup the older's face. "Please hyung -"

The other smiles, soothing his thumbs below Jeongguk's swollen eyes, "You didn't." He observes the younger's face, slides a thumb over his trembling bottom lip, "I promise."

That night Taehyung stares at Jeongguk, sleeping peacefully in his own bed across the room.

No matter how hard he focuses on him he cannot seem to reach him, cannot distinguish what goes on in his mind. Jeongguk kissed him - he let Jeongguk kiss him - and had been incapable of giving any explanation afterwards.

Was he guilty for not stopping him? For not pushing him away?

He rolls under his covers, facing the white wall of his dorm and lets his fingers craze the raspy surface. It was no use trying to understand why Jeongguk did what he did.

Taehyung calls Seokjin on the way to his oral english exam the next morning, explaining the situation without ever mentioning Jeongguk. He doesn't think he succeeds in his mission of fooling his hyung but he also never lets his white lie be exposed.

"What am I supposed to do?"

He hears a chuckle at the end of the line, "Do you really think I can answer that for you?"

Taehyung sighs, pushing the door that lead to the language department once he's closed his umbrella, "I am lost hyung, I don't know what's going on," he insists, looking for the room his tutor had sent him to. "What if I am only doing this because I don't want to hurt them?"

"Listen, you could tell me we're not talking about Jeongguk another hundred times and I still wouldn't believe you," he states bluntly, "you need to discuss this with him, not me."

"Hyung I told you it wasn't -"

Seokjin groans, "I know it's him, stop that," Taehyung hears the sound of someone knocking on a door through the phone, "just talk to him."

"But -"

"I need to go, I have an appointment with my boss."

The line goes silent and Taehyung stares at his phone for a while. Once he realizes he should already be in the classroom answering questions he runs up the set of stairs that lead to the third floor of the building.

Things aren't as "fine" as Taehyung had assured Jeongguk they were.

There is definitely more than a hint of awkwardness hanging in the air whenever he and Taehyung are alone in their room. The conversations they share are brief and usually cut short by either one of them pretexting to have some business to deal with someplace else.

It thankfully doesn't last too long though and they are back to their old selves in the matter of a week and a half. They're back to binge watching whatever show picked their interest at night and gradually increasing their study time together at the library.

It almost lures Taehyung into believing nothing had changed.

Once the comfort reaches its former level Taehyung even stops being nervous all the time. He sets his interrogations aside, happy to spend time with the first year again. Things seems so casual that he doesn't immediately notice how used to Jeongguk's attentions and gestures he had become.

When exactly had he started to let Jeongguk in?

He decides that it doesn't matter. That it doesn't have to mean anything.

But just like the past awkwardness had vanished, Taehyung's decision had too.

The first time he feels it waver like a thread under his feet is when Jeongguk starts to leave featherlike kisses on the nape of his neck whenever they watch a movie together. The second time is when he feels the younger's hands crawl underneath his shirt to rest on his lower belly as he brushes his teeth in the morning.

He doesn't let the third time come around.

"Jeongguk."

"Yes?" the younger asks as he scans the inside of the coffee shop in search for an empty table. "What is it?"

Taehyung weights the words on his tongue for a bit, "You told me you didn't know what this was but we need to talk it out."

Jeongguk aknowledges him with a nod.

They sit at the most isolated table they can find, Jeongguk's hands curling up inside the sleeves of his sweater until Taehyung can't see them anymore.

"So," the older starts, propping a cheek in his hand.

Jeongguk crosses his arms on top of the table, "If it makes you uncomfortable, I'll stop everything. If you don't like it, I will."

The older chews on the corner of his bottom lip, "I don't hate it, I only want to know what it means."

The brunette shakes his head vaguely but doesn't say anything back.

"Let me put it this way, why do you do these things?"

"Why do you let me?" Jeongguk bites back.

Touché.

"Okay," Jeongguk consents in a breath. "It's because I want to."

Taehyung narrows his eyes, "Really?" he deadpans. "You've got to be kidding me," he adds as he grabs his fuming camomile tea.

They remain silent for a while, Taehyung observing a group of student chatting in front of the café.

"This isn't easy for me," the first year retorts, shifting on his seat. "I kissed you, hyung."

Taehyung snorts, "I am aware of that."

"You need some explaining, I get it, but so do I," Jeongguk adds, eyes fixed on his own beverage. "Why didn't you push me away?"

The older clears his throat, "You caught me by surprise," he mutters, lifting his tea to his lips.

Jeongguk probably wouldn't buy it, he didn't buy it.

Oh how he wished he could call Seokjin again, ask him to come back to the dorms and stay. Ever since Jeongguk took his place, everything had shifted.

"Hyung." Jeongguk's voice hangs in the air, taunting the other. "Why didn't you stop me?"

"I don't know," Taehyung retorts. "I don't fucking know."

They go back to the dorms, stopping by the kitchen to prepare two cups of instant noodles since none of them felt like cooking anything fancy. The room is empty at this time of the day, most students still attending classes, dirty dishes pilling up in the sink like the leaning tower of Pisa.

As they wait for the water to start boiling, Jeongguk occupies himself with his phone, pretending to read something with attention.

"There must be a reason for this to be happening," Taehyung says, crossing his arms over his chest. "It didn't just come out of nowhere. There has to be more to it."

The first year wipes his screen with his thumb, switching to another app, "Can we not discuss this here?"

Taehyung gets his point but he is tired of waiting, tired of making assumptions. It was useless to come to conclusions when you missed half of the instructions, exhausting even, and he was close to reaching the limit to his patience.

"Then where can we?"

"Tae, let it go."

A huge amount of steam leaves the kettle until the object starts whistling loudly.

Taehyung unplugs it, "I dread this conversation just as much as you do," he states, filling the first ramyeon cup with water. "But the longer we postpone it, the more difficult it gets."

Jeongguk practically snatches the cup from the older's hand, "Whatever."

They eat in silence, Jeongguk not giving up on his 'i'm busy with my phone, don't talk to me' act.

Taehyung slurps the remaining of noodles in his box and tosses the empty container in the trashcan. He stares at the back of Jeongguk's head, sitting at his desk, and rolls his eyes in annoyance.

"Can you please stop ignoring me?"

The younger peeks at him over his shoulder, "I'm not ignoring you? I'm just eating."

"Right," Taehyung huffs, "And I'm Queen Elizabeth the Second."

"Hyung, talking about it now would only lead to another unnecessary argument," Jeongguk stresses, finally putting his phone down. "I need to figure out the answers on my own first."

It makes Taehyung smile, the stupidness of it all, "Am I supposed to wait? To just - pretend that you kissing me isn't a big deal?"

This didn't come out the way he had wanted it to but the main idea was there, it was what mattered.

"I can't do that Jeongguk," Taehyung confesses, rubbing the side of his head. "If there is something I really can't do, it's pretending everything is normal between us."

Jeongguk throws his hands up in defeat, "Alright, alright," he groans, getting up. "You want me to tell you it was a mistake?" he asks, facing the other. Taehyung blinks up at him. "Well, there you have it. Are you happy now?"

Taehyung tilts his head to the side, glaring at the other in complete bewilderment, "Only if you believe what you've just told me," he states. "Then, yes, absolutely."

He watches Jeongguk roam the small space of their room almost frenetically, walking in circles as he mutters unintelligible words to himself. It astounds him how blind he had been to the other's internal struggle. For days Taehyung had been so wrapped up in his own hethat he had entirely failed to discern the younger boy's evident distress.

Forcing himself into a standing position he empties his lungs all at once, "Jeongguk," he tries, his voice not catching the other's attention. "I'm sorry for pushing it so much." 

Jeongguk finally stills.

"And for everything else," Taehyung adds, extending an arm to capture the younger's wrist.

Jeongguk turns around and lets his chin rest on the older's shoulder, "I keep thinking about it, I can't stop thinking about it," he says. "It's all that's been going on in my head lately yet it still doesn't help me figure out a damn thing."

Taehyung squeezes his wrist before he lets go and intertwines his fingers with his own instead, "I was wrong, you need to give it some time."

The other nods faintly, "I lied when I said it was a mistake," he confesses. "I don't regret doing it."

Taehyung brings his free hand to the back of Jeongguk's head, pushing him closer to him. It surely took him a lot of courage to say these words, to bare himself like that. And he wishes he could hold Jeongguk long enough to make his pain go away, tightly enough to ease his troubled emotions.

 
Whatever it is that Jeongguk wants from him, Taehyung is willing to try and give it to him. If that could make the sadness leave the feature of his face for good, Taehyung thinks he can do anything.

Anything to make Jeongguk happy.

Chapter Text

Three.

The end of november is right around the corner and Taehyung is busy scrolling through diverse websites in search for a perfect birthday gift for Seokjin. He hasn't settled on anything yet, still hesitating between some clothing article or an electronic device.

Jeongguk is nowhere to be seen, probably using his saturday night in a more social way than the older was, drinking in some bar or lazing around in one of his friends' flat.

And Taehyung had done a whole lot of thinking, once again.

Even if Jeongguk had failed to voice the reason behind the kiss they had shared, he also had assured his hyung that an answer would come soon enough. And since he had perfectly been clear on not regretting his action, Taehyung had started pondering on the conclusion he would eventually come up with.

Was he going to ask him out? Or maybe say that it had only been the result of a sudden impulse? That this was a thing he had wanted to try without any other intention behind it?

And what if Jeongguk actually developed feelings for him, how was Taehyung supposed to respond to such a confession? Was he going to accept it solely because he couldn't bear the thought of Jeongguk being broken-hearted - because of him on top of all things - ?

He had no idea.

To: Jin-hyung
My flight lands at 5, right on time.

Taehyung locks his phone to fold the sweater he had received a couple days earlier, the one he had picked as a gift for his ex-roommate. The more he looks at it, the less his choice satisfies him but it was too late for a last minute exchange anyway.

This short weekend away is more than welcome and Taehyung promises to leave all of his questioning in Seoul as he locks the door behind him on his way out. He doesn't think he'll get to keep it, but if you never try, you never know.

 
Yoongi is the one that comes and picks him up at the airport, Seokjin apparently busy cooking his own birthday cake - which wasn't fairly surprising.

"So, how have things been?"

Taehyung relaxes on the seat, stretching his legs as much as he can manage below the dashboard, "Quite busy. What about you hyung?"

The black-haired man frowns as he turns the engines on, "Well, the radio station seems to like me alright so there might be a chance for this temporary job to become a full-time one."

"That's amazing!"

Yoongi chuckles, "I know."

Hoseok is sitting on the porch of Seokjin's house and immediately jumps on his feet the second he catches a glimpse of Yoongi's car.

He covers the distance from the door to the sidewalk in the blink of an eye and flings himself in Taehyung's arms, crossing his legs around his waist and his arms around his neck, "Tae, I'm so glad you're back!"

"Hyung," Taehyung whines, barely maintaining his balance. "We're both going to fall if you don't let go!"

Hoseok climbs off him reluctantly, "Sorry, I got a little excited there," he apologizes, ruffling the hair at the back of his head.

The younger looks up at the sky but wraps an arm around him nonetheless, "I missed you too."

Taehyung is weirdly relieved when Seokjin almost strangles him in a hug after he's opened his present. Apparently his taste in clothes wasn't so bad and the two hundred bucks he had spent on the sweater had totally been worth it.

"You really shouldn't have," Seokjin cries, holding him so tightly that Taehyung winces a bit. "But thanks, it's perfect!"

They all feast on the strawberry-flavored cake the oldest had baked all afternoon, the sound of chatters and laughing filling the living room as the guests start consuming the champagne Namjoon had bought for the occasion.

"Taetae," Hoseok chants, dropping next to him on the couch, "What's popping?"

The younger smiles as he lifts a spoonful of cake to his mouth, "A whole lot of things, Hobi.  He chews on the pastry and grimaces at the taste, "Fuck, this thing is on a diabete-inducing sugar level!"

Hoseok laughs, "That's why I picked the smallest slice," he states, triumphant. "Well, the smallest after Yoongi-hyung's."

Taehyung glances at the black-haired man standing at the other side of the room, discussing with someone he doesn't recognize, "He knows what's up."

The older cackles as he opens a beer and throws the cap in an empty carton everyone had apparently turned into an occasional dumpster, "So, how's this third year coming?"

Taehyung takes the bottle from Hoseok's grasp and swallows huge sips of it, grimacing at the coldness of the liquid against his teeth.

"That bad? Really?"

The other smiles, "No, it's just that a lot has happened," he sighs, handing the beer back. "Nothing I can't handle though."

Seokjin jumps in front of them, cheeks reddened by the amount of liquor he's already ingurgitated.

He suddenly grabs them both by the wrists, "You two are not going to spend the whole night sitting on your butts," he claims, "So get up and dance!"

Taehyung passes out face first on the bed Seokjin had prepared for him and wakes up with Yoongi snoring peacefully by his side.

Just like everyone else, he knows that forcing Min Yoongi out of bed when it wasn't absolutely necessary wasn't a good idea, so he gets up as discreetly as he can before drapping the blanket more evenly on top of him.

He then makes a quick stop by the bathroom before walking downstairs.

Seokjin is eating a piece of cake for breakfast and Taehyung's stomach stutters in discomfort at the mere sight of the frosting on top of the slice.

"Morning hyung," he croaks, hauling his feet lazily, "How'd you find the party?"

The older lowers the volume of the news broadcasted on tv, "It was perfect, thanks."

"You're wearing my gift," Taehyung observes, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

Seokjin chuckles, "It's quite comfortable if you ask me."

Taehyung smiles back at him, dropping in the chair next to his. He watches the screen in silence, wincing at the sound of the metallic spoon hitting the porcelain of the plate.

"Remember that time you called me about two weeks ago?"

The college student exhales slowly out of his nose, propping an arm around the back of his hyung's chair, "I do."

"What have you done about it?"

Taehyung's smile fades, "Nothing," he exhales. "I kinda let things happen."

Seokjin's eyes widen as he settles his piece of cake down on the table, focusing his attention on Taehyung, "Does this mean you have a boyfriend?," he shouts, visibly scandalized. "Kim Taehyung you better tell me you don't or I'm going to have to beat the shit out of you for not calling me the exact second Jeongguk made y -"

Taehyung covers the other's mouth with his hand, wiggling his eyebrow as if to say 'if the others wake up this conversation is over, is that what you want?'

"Sorry," Seokjin mumbles, shoving the younger's hand away. "But seriously, are you in a relationship?"

"No."

Seokjin grimaces, positioning his closed fists on either sides of his waist, "So the two of you kissed and... that's it?"

Taehyung scowls, "It's more complicated than it sounds."

"You know, I think these guys aren't going to wake up anytime soon," the older trails, retrieving his sugary breakfast. "I'm all ears, start from the beginning."

Taehyung is back on campus faster than he thought he would and finds Jeongguk rubbing his hair dry with a towel, only wearing basketball shorts.

"Oh, hi," the younger says, letting the towel sit around his neck. "How was your weekend?"

Taehyung shuts the door behind him, forcing his gaze on anything but Jeongguk's naked chest, "Pretty nice."

Jeongguk props his hands on either side of his waist while Taehyung settles his bag on top of his desk, emptying it carefully.

"Should we order pizza for tonight? I don't feel like cooking."

The younger retrieves his phone and unlocks it, "I'm on it."

About an hour and a half later, they're both sitting on Taehyung's bed in their pajamas, the carton of pizza only left with grease stains and pieces of crust inside of it.

"My classes start at eleven tomorrow," Jeongguk states, rubbing circles over his slightly bloated belly. "Shall we finish this damn Game of Thrones season once and for all?"

They do.

As much as Taehyung wants to follow the plot, he can't focus on the show for more than five minutes in a row, mind drifting to his current interrogations. He thinks about Seokjin's advice of not providing bread to someone that was dying of thirst, of piercing the abscess before it had the chance to expand.

Jeongguk is frowning at his computer, mimicking the words as he reads the subtitles, munching on some sour candies he had bought at the dorm's vending machine.

Taehyung takes the time to really look at him, something he hasn't done in a while.

There is a certain je-ne-sais-quoi about Jeongguk that tugs at Taehyung's strings. A list of very distinct - yet attenuate - details. Brewed and mended into one, these traits make the younger boy appeal to him like a shiny article of jewlery does to a magpie.

And Taehyung is pretty sure that it is these little things that birthed the hold Jeongguk seemed to have on him in some unexplicable way. The elegant shape of his upper lip, the silvery tone his voice would sometimes take when he adressed him, the veins popping along his forearms and hands in the morning and so on.

"Oh," Jeongguk gasps, the palm of his hand inching around the older's knee, "Is this going where I think it is going?"

Taehyung blinks repeatedly, his thoughts drifting away, eyes still glued to the other's side profile.

"Guk," he exhales, unpleasantly aware of Jeongguk's thumb gently rubbing his skin. "I won't push you away. No matter what."

His mouth had ran out on its own. 

Jeongguk's fingers on his leg are suddenly gone, "Care to tell me why you're telling me this out of the blue?"

Taehyung nibbles on his bottom lip. He pauses the episode under the other's baffled gaze, order and serenity deserting him in a matter of seconds.

"If we could not touch this topic now, I'd really appreciate it," Jeongguk adds, placing the small bag of sweets in between his legs.

The older gulps down stiffly, scrutinizing the prominent muscle in his thighs, exposed by the shortness of his slacks.

Jeongguk blows a large amount of air through his mouth, "Give it more time."

"I'm not telling you to hurry," Taehyung urges, "Just making sure you know that I'll stay by your side in any possible outcome."

Because he cannot stress this enough.

If Jeongguk had to know one thing about Taehyung, it was how much he appreciated being part of his life. How no amount of complications could ever alter that fact.

"We should rewind the episode a bit," Taehyung states , leaning forward to reach the touchpad of his laptop. "I need to know why Jon Snow just got murdered."

To: Hobi
Hyung are you drunk on a wednesday night?

From: Hobi
blame yoongi for that! he turned up with some lit soju

Taehyung snorts and locks his phone, heading back from a - very - late night tutoring lesson. The university needed to provide him with a better schedule next semester or he was probably going to lose it.

As he takes the last turn that leads to the dorms, he notices a familiar figure. His eyes widen because it made no sense for this person to be standing there, on his damn campus at half past nine on a wednesday night.

"Jimin?"

The man pivots on his heels, his mouth opening in surprise, "Taehyung? No fucking way, is that you?"

Taehyung crosses the last steps that separate them to catch him in his arms, "What on Earth are you doing here? I haven't heard from you in years!"

Jimin giggles, "Well I came here to get the last details of my transfer checked," he explains, backing away just enough to look the other in the eyes. "I had no idea you studied here!"

"If you actually read my mails, you would've known," Taehyung states, slapping him playfully on the back. "Hang on, does this mean you're taking your sixth semester here?"

"I absolutely am," Jimin replies, smiling from ear to ear. He runs a hand through his greyish hair, "Guess we're going to see a lot of each other from january on."

Taehyung pulls him closer once more, "It's really nice to have you back chimchim," he sighs.

"Now that's a nickname I haven't heard in a while."

Christmas break is almost there and Taehyung has yet to hear about Jeongguk's explanation.

His lack of patience only expands as time passes but he has decided that pushing the other wouldn't lead to anything and only make him even more anxious about the situation.

So Taehyung keeps it in, refraining from any topic that could lead to the unwanted discussion. But whenever he finds himself in Jeongguk's company, the question tickles the back of his head. He honestly didn't even understand why he was so eager in finding out, why the answer apparently seemed to weight so harshly on his shoulders.

It was Jeongguk that probably was losing his calm and composure anytime the kiss reminded its existence, yet Taehyung was the one that looked the more afflicted.

He succeeds in not asking for almost a week, but one night, when the younger wraps a blanket around the both of them as they get ready to marathon the Iron Man trilogy, Taehyung finally snaps.

"Are you ever going to tell me what this kiss meant or is it going to remain a mystery for as long as we live?"

Jeongguk lets the fuzzy blanket fall down.

"Jeongguk," Taehyung insists, pushing the bag of banana flavored chips the younger had picked earlier at the convenience store aside. "It's almost been two weeks, you can't just wait and hope I magically forget about it."

His neck hurts from his position, cross-legged in front of Jeongguk, peeking over his own shoulder to catch a glimpse of him.

Jeongguk shimmies away until his back finds the wall of their bedroom, "Two weeks isn't a long time," he states. "What I'll end up telling you could change a lot of things."

Taehyung brings a palm to his forehead, contemplating the choices he previously made that lead him to end up in his current situation, "I know Jeongguk, I fucking know all of this," he groans.

"Then let it slide," the younger says, glancing at the famous marvel opening credits on Taehyung's computer.

Taehyung wishes he could do that.

But the doubts and uncertainty are more important than Tony Stark's pretty face - as Jeongguk calls it.

He completely turns around, his knees bumping against Jeongguk's, "I can only imagine how scared you are, but you need to let it out," he assures him, grabbing his hands. "You'll feel much better once it's done, I promise."

Jeongguk shoves his head to the side, his cheek finding the wall, "Hyung, I'm not ready."

So he knew.

He already knew but had refused to let Taehyung's mind finally rest. The older would think it was a very selfish thing to do if he wasn't so sure that he'd be just as terrified in his situation, that he'd avoid confrontation just as ardently.

"Do you need me to repeat that I'm not going to suddenly walk out of your life if the words you say don't please me?"

Jeongguk shakes his head, "No."

Taehyung's computer is put to sleep automatically, its screen turning black.

"You don't need to rush," Taehyung utters gently as he draws soothing shapes on the top of the other's hands. "I just want you to mean the words you're going to say."

Jeongguk tilts his head back, eyes narrowing in concern - in fear - and Taehyung lets his fingers slide up the length of his forearms. He hopes it helps soothing the nerves he is sure are so tense right now.

It takes the younger a couple minutes to finally speak up again, "First of all, I need you to know that I still wish I hadn't done this so suddenly," he starts, his voice barely audible even in the quietness of their room. "It was reckless and I wouldn't have blamed you if you hit me back then."

Taehyung stops his ministrations, his hands falling on top of the covers of his bed.

As much as he desperately yearns for answers, answers still scare him. His and Jeongguk's relationship could shift with a single sentence, only a couple words.

"I really hope you didn't lie when you told me you wouldn't run away."

Taehyung shakes his head, holding Jeongguk's hands again, both for the younger's comfort and for him to have something to hold on to.

"These past two weeks, past month even, have been extremely difficult," Jeongguk confesses, his fingers trembling in Taehyung's palms. "And I think I probably have known the answer to your questions before I even kissed you." He pauses, glances up at his roommate hesitantly, "I don't know if it makes sense to you, but it does to me."

Jeongguk giggles nervously, retrieving his hands to let his fingers fit in the gaps in between Taehyung's.

This simple action makes a shiver run along the length of the older's spine.

"Since I've met you, nothing's been the same," the younger adds, voice wavering as he squeezes Taehyung's hands in his spasmodically. "I was sad, alone in a city I didn't know, I had just broken up with my girlfriend and then you were just... There."

Taehyung's heart skips a beat or two only to start pounding against his ribcage with insistance, making him feel as if his chest was about to burst open.

"You were there and suddenly heartbreak didn't feel so tough. You made it easier on me," Jeongguk says, smiling weakly. His grip tightens even more around the other's hands, "Time went by and with it, the interest I had in you kept growing."

If Taehyung already knows where Jeongguk's monologue is going, it doesn't make him want Jeongguk to go straight to the point.

The younger shifts on the bed, getting a creaking sound out of the dainty springer, "Hyung, if I had kissed you the first time the idea crossed my mind, it would've happened earlier. Much earlier," he confesses, "But this isn't the point," he adds in a haste. "I'm sorry for making you wait and think so much."

Taehyung's mouth is awfully dry, his head is spinning but he still hangs on every single word Jeongguk says.

"In all honesty I was just being a coward, I could've cut you some slack."

Taehyung cannot even blame him for that. Sure, he had psychologically suffered from the lack of sense in Jeongguk's actions, from the absence of any kind of explanation behind them but it didn't feel quite as consequential anymore. The weeks of questioning suddenly appeared so small that they seemed totally irrelevant and insignificant - almost making him wonder why he cared about them at all.

"You are really, really important to me, Taehyung. And that's why it took me weeks to gather the courage to reply to you properly." Jeongguk pulls their linked hands up to his chest, right above his heart. "I refused to just drop it out of nowhere, I needed to make it matter somehow."

Taehyung leans forward with the strength of the other's movement. He lets Jeongguk flatten his palms over his shirt, embraces the feeling of his heart beating against them.

"I like you," Jeongguk says in a breath, pretty wrinkles appearing at the corners of his eyes as he smiles, "I like you so much." He lowers his chin, gripping Taehyung's hands tightly in his. "It feels so good, you were right," he cries, "to finally let you in on it, it feels so fucking good."

Taehyung's mouth has fallen open on words he cannot find. The whole world could stop turning and he wouldn't even care, wouldn't even notice.

Jeongguk's forehead finds his shoulder, "God, I like you so damn much that it hurts."

He lets go of the older's hands, but they remain firmly placed over his chest.

Taehyung had been preparing himself for this. He had imagined it a hundred times and more, but he still fails to realize what just happened.

"I - don't need you to do or say anything," Jeongguk suddenly says, his nose still buried in Taehyung's shirt. "For now, this is enough."

Taehyung finally lifts a hand to Jeongguk's scalp, patting the top of his head softly, "Thank you."

Jeongguk's giggle rises in the dorm room, sounding completely out of place, "Why are you thanking me?" He straightens up, meeting Taehyung's eyes, "You're so damn unbelievable."

The older's glance drops to Jeongguk's mouth but he is incapable of describing what it is exactly that he is feeling right now.

He just stares at his lips, at the way they part when he speaks again, "Would it be okay if I suggested that we at least watch the first movie?"

"And I am the unbelievable one?"

Classes for the first semester of the year are finally over, Taehyung and Jeongguk both busy packing their respective suitcases as the entire campus slowly becomes as empty as it usually is during summer break, students heading back to visit families for the end of the year's celebrations.

"Promise you'll text me on Christmas day?"

Taehyung snorts, forced to sit on his luggage for it to close, "Of course I do, don't be silly."

The other throws an empty plastic bottle at him from the other side of the room, "I'm just checking!"

Once his suitcase is cautiously sealed, Taehyung stretches his arms above his head, muscles aching because of the crouching position he had - stupidly - chosen to complete his task.

"I'm going to miss you, Guk," he sighs, staring at the younger as he successfully finishes packing as well.

Jeongguk chuckles and walks up to him, wrapping his arms around his neck, "Me too."

He nuzzles the side of Taehyung's nose with his own, smiling peacefully and Taehyung silently wonders if it was alright for him to not reply to his confession before they'd spend a week apart.

Not that he'd know what to say if it wasn't.

"By the way, any idea what you'd like for your 20th birthda

Taehyung blinks repeatedly, "I never told you when my birthday was, how do you -"

Jeongguk looks up at the ceiling, "Your student ID. You always leave it on your desk when you go out for shopping."

"Oh."

"So?"

Taehyung grins, "If it's from you, I'll like it no matter what it is."

Being back home for the winter festivities is like a large bowl of fresh air to Taehyung.

Even if he's brought all of his notes with him to review his entire semester and prepare for the exams awaiting him in early january, he feels as if college is far behind him.

Soonshim snores peacefully in the wooden doghouse when Taehyung sneaks out of the family residence with a bottle of fresh Hite in hands - the third of the night. The dog's white fur barely visible in the heavy mist that had fallen on Daegu.

His phone vibrates in his pocket so he pulls it out, forced to take his gloves off to unlock it.

From: Gukkie
hey. wyd?

To: Gukkie
drinking at home, wby?

Taehyung shivers, lifting his beer to his lips.

What if Jeongguk really asked him out? What would he do? He doesn't know why the possibility suddenly came back to his mind, while he is hundred miles away from Jeongguk. But now that he's thought about it, he can't unsee it.

From: Gukkie
hiding from some relatives in my bedroom.

To: Gukkie
seriously? what have they done to deserve this treatment from the sweet jeonggukkie?

The younger doesn't reply for a while, Taehyung's eyes focusing on some abstract point in the distance as the mix between his exhaustion and the alcohol he drank starts affecting him.

Perhaps it was a good thing for Jeongguk to leave him on read. Therefore, he wouldn't have to use the 'i was drunk' excuse if anything stupid was ever sent by misregard.

From: Gukkie
they wanted my parents to send me overseas for college so the living room is quite lively right now.

To: Gukkie
that sucks big time.

Maybe Seokjin could help.

As much as Taehyung knows relationship matters were to be decided by the people involved only, he is quite sure his hyung would be wiser than he could ever dream to be on the subject. His former roommate had much more experience - anyone that ever had a crush in their lives had - than him and Taehyung was willing to bet on a lot of things that his hyung would be happy to provide wise advices.

From: Gukkie
meh, i'll survive.

To: Gukkie
hey guk, can i ask you smthg?

He watches the dots indicating the other was replying with a knot forming in his throat.

From: Gukkie
of course.

His thumbs tap the edges of his phone.

It was probably the alcohol that pushed his curiosity, except that it had been there for a while.

Perhaps the beers helped him loosen up and be bold about it, but Taehyung knows that three bottles couldn't affect him enough to create interest in a subject he never gave a shit about before Jeongguk walked into his life.

He starts typing his question and stares at the characters on his screen, at the flickering black bar at the end of his sentence.

To: Gukkie
what does being in love feel like to you?

Chewing on his bottom lip, he deletes it all.

As much as the response genuinely interests him, he knows Jeongguk would probably ask it right back at him and that he could never reply. He also figures that somehow forcing Jeongguk into talking about feelings while they were currently directed at him would be a senseless thing to do.

To: Gukkie
nevermind, it's nothing.

He ends up pondering on whether he should call Seokjin or not. It was true he couldn't tell Jeongguk, couldn't ask him this sort of thing, but Seokjin wasn't Jeongguk.

His hyung picks up after a few rings, "Hey, why are you calling me so late?"

Taehyung sighs, eyeing the rest of liquor in his bottle, "I have to confess something."

"Uh?" the older quacks. "Have you done some bad shit?"

"No, oh my god," Taehyung retorts. He brings the beer to his lips and swallows large sips. "I just need your opinion on something."

Seokjin lets out a long breath, "Okay, spill."

 I... think Jeongguk is going to ask me out."

Silence settles on the line and Taehyung has to bite the inside of his cheeks not to start saying things he could regret.

"Wow that - that is quite something Taehyung," the older states in a grave tone. "Hum, are you sure though?"

Taehyung giggles, struggling in the task of putting his gloves back on, "I guess it's what usually happens after somebody confesses to you."

The older stays quiet for a moment.

"Okay so let's say you're correct," Seokjin urges, his voice getting higher. "What do you think you're gonna do?"

Taehyung shakes his head, "I have no idea. I thought you could help me out on that one."

He hears his hyung sigh, "Tae, this isn't something you can do by proxy," he states. "I can't make that decision for you."

"Hyung, I don't know if I could just accept," Taehyung insists. "I -"

Seokjin waits for the rest of the sentence, but it never comes, "What is it?"

"Hyung I don't think I can fall in love with anyone." 

The older gasps at the end of the line and Taehyung feels his heart sink to his stomach. He hadn't been expecting any different reaction from Seokjin, but it still saddened him.

"O - Okay, that's a lot to take in through the phone," Seokjin mutters. "But let's take a minute and think about it."

Taehyung giggles bitterly, "What is there to think about?" he asks. "I can't go out with him and trick him into a relationship that clearly has no future."

"And what about you? Would it be okay to let Jeongguk go because of that?" his hyungs claims. "Would you be fine seeing him with someone else?"

"I don't know..."

Seokjin lets out another long sigh, "Taehyung, you probably think you're not worthy of being loved, that because you are the way you are it means you don't have a right to be happy but that's not true," he states. "Don't go and live a life of loneliness to beat yourself up for something you cannot change."

The younger brings a hand up to cover his eyes, "But I can't do this to him. He doesn't deserve this."

"So you're going to push him away?"

Taehyung sniffles, "I should, right?"

Seokjin groans, "If you're waiting for me to tell you that you should give up on something you obviously want, you can stop waiting. I'm not going to do that."

The younger wipes his eyes with the em of his coat's sleeves, "Hyung, I'd be an asshole if I didn't push him away."

 I am ten seconds away from hanging up on you," Seokjin threatens. "You need to think about yourself too."

Taehyung grabs his beer and finishes it, then setting it down on the stairs, "I gotta go, thanks hyung."

"Please think this through."

"I will."

Christmas is over, the pine tree still illuminated and decorated in the Kim's household when Taehyung drags his suitcase towards the front door.

He doesn't even want to look at his mother, because he is sure he'll read sadness in her eyes if he does. And Taehyung had never been able to stand seeing his beautiful, caring mother cry.

"We'll see you again soon, right?"

Taehyung halts and releases the handle of his luggage, crouching to hug his brothers, "Of course, you won't even notice I was gone," he assures them.

It takes minutes for their father to drag the young siblings away, and another three to make Taehyung's sister stop crying.

Eventually, the cab driver blows the horn and Taehyung has to leave.

He walks back to the dorms, drags himself to his room and leaves his suitcase near the door to rush to bed.

Taehyung is lost in thoughts when Jeongguk enters the dorm room, merely registering the sound of the door closing.

"Merry Christmas hyung."

The older props himself on his elbows from his lying position, "Merry Christmas to you too."

Jeongguk sets his own suitcase next to Taehyung's, sliding out of his winter coat while simultaneously kicking his timberlands off, "Hyung," he calls out gently.

Taehyung stares at him repositioning a pillow against the headrest, at how delicately he then settles on top of the mattress, wiggling his toes in his socks.

Jeon Jeongguk was an endearing motherfucker.

"Tae?" he tries again.

"Yes?"

The younger rubs his palms together for warmth, "What do you want to do on your birthday?" he asks. "Stay here? Go to a restaurant? To a bar?"

"Hum, anything is fine," he states with a nod, "I'll let you pick, I trust your tastes."

Jeongguk smiles, uncoiling the wire of his phone charger, "Fine, but you better refrain from complaining if you don't like it."

Taehyung lets out a soft chuckle, "I wouldn't dare."

The older's plans of resolutely preparing for the exams drawing near shatter as he and Jeongguk wind up by each other's side most of the time.

They exchange their recent memories away from Seoul over cups of coffee, play on Jeongguk's new console and don't bother approaching the hotplates of the common kitchen - ordering spared them from doing the dishes.

The ordinariness of the early days of the scholar year convey Taehyung of the impression to have gone back in time.

On the third year's birthday, Jeongguk carries a tray covered in diverse food - from fruit to pancakes - directly to Taehyung's bed, waking him up with tender tickles below his chin.

"Morning hyung," he utters, sitting on the edge of the mattress. "You're in your twenties now!"

Taehyung rumbles, attempting to pull the covers on top of his head to prevent the artifical lightning from hurting his sensible eyes.

"How does it feel to officially be old?"

"Hm..." he groans.

Jeongguk giggles lightly, patting his shoulder as a sign of encouragement, "Come on, today's going to be fun, I promise!"

It takes almost a full hour for him to get Taehyung to shower, eat and get dressed but sooner or later, he is tucked in his own coat and gently pushed outside of his own room.

"Where are we going?"

The younger links their arms, guiding them outside of campus, "To a place that I think you might like."

Jeongguk can't help but giggle at the expression on his roommate's face as he gives his name at the counter of what appeared to be a relaxation center.

"You," he starts, poking Taehyung in the middle of his chest, "Are going to receive a special oil massage."

Taehyung stares at him with confusion in his eyes until his face breaks into a smile, "You shouldn't have, I would've been just fine with DVDs or some candles on top of a cake."

Jeongguk brushes it off with a shrug, grabbing Taehyung's hand in his, "Thanking me would've been enough," he states. "Just enjoy it."

Once he's on his own, Taehyung strips down to his underwear and wraps a towel around his hips to lie on top of the massage table. The sound of the door opening startles him, but he figures it is only the masseuse coming in to do their job.

His eyes fall close when he feels large hands trail along his spine, then a liquid substance pool between his hips. The faint smell of essential oils invades his nostrils and the general tranquil atmosphere allows his limbs to unwind naturally.

The palms spread the liquid evenly over the expanse of his back, their warmth causing his skin to radiate comfortably, soothing a headache he hadn't noticed he suffered from.

"Mh, this feels amazing," he hums.

Whoever kneads his sore shoulders isn't talkative, solely focusing on assuaging the balls of nerves that bothered him when he was bent over his desk typing assignements and completing reports. Taehyung doesn't mind the quiet though, relenting in how it eases him into forgetting everything but the hands working on his back.

The dexterous fingers slide over his shoulderblades to focalize on his ribcage, somewhat calloused tips following the bones' shapes with reverence and patient movements.

Taehyung lets out a throaty gasp, finding his eyelids to be much heavier than they normally are.

He needed to properly thank Jeongguk afterwards.

The ministrations move south, reaching his lower back, molding and grazing the small love handle at the curve of his hips. They press down in cautious shapes, alleviating all the maybes, all the what ifs paining him.

Taehyung lies down for what feels like hours. Still, he audibly voices his disapproval when the session comes to its term, saddened by the cruel absence of treatment of his back.

"So, how was I?"

The older's eyes widen almost comically before he pushes himself up on his hands, peeking over his shoulder to find Jeongguk washing oil off his fingers.

"Did you really -"

Jeongguk laughs, "I did."

Taehyung regains a normal sitting position, "I had no idea you were so good with your hands."

Jeongguk winks at him, pouring more soap on his hands.

When they're back in the dorms, the sun is long gone and the sky pitch black, the first snowflakes of the season hitting the window of their room.

Jeongguk is busy trying to open a bottle of champagne he bought for the occasion while Taehyung answers a call from his mother. The sound of the cork finding the ceiling startles the older and he almost trips over his own feet, causing Jeongguk to fall to the floor in an almost hysteric laughter.

"No, I'm fine mom," Taehyung groans, his heart still thimping loudly in his chest. "My roommate scared me, that's all," he adds, attempting to compose himself again. "No, he's the worst, I promise he is."

Jeongguk is still rolling on top of their carpet holding his sides, so Taehyung elects to gently kick him in the ribs with his foot.

"Thanks," he tells his mother, glaring at Jeongguk. "Yes, I love you too."

He hangs up, pockets his phone and crouches next to Jeongguk.

"Hyung," the younger cackles, "You should've seen yourself!"

Taehyung rolls his eyes, "No need to see myself to know I looked stupid," he states, attacking Jeongguk's belly with tickles. "It's my birthday," he spells out, accentuating each syllable. "Stop making fun of me!"

The other's eyes open and Taehyung's fingers still on his stomach.

"What?"

Taehyung blinks at him, incredulous.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"How am I looking at you?"

Jeongguk sits up and his roommate doesn't move back, "Like you want to ask me something," he utters, his giggles dying out.

Taehyung swallows with difficulty, his palms still spread over the other's abdomen, "Well," he mutters, gaze dropping to the younger's lips. "I was wondering if you were really fine with this whole situation." His fingers crawl up Jeongguk's chest, and he isn't sure he wants to stop them, "Is it okay with you?" he continues, "The two of us pretending to be normal friends?"

Jeongguk shakes his head vaguely, "Isn't that what we are? Friends?"

"But it isn't what you want, is it?"

Jeongguk slightly backs away, "What?"

"You heard me."

Taehyung gets up and walks over to his desk where the bottle of champagne is and Jeongguk watches him pour the bubbly liquor in two plastic glasses.

"Taehyung," Jeongguk trails, crossing his legs as he accepts his share of champagne. "I don't know what you're trying to do but if we stay friends, I think I can survive it."

Now Taehyung isn't the type to suggest something that he doesn't recognize as a positive thing, but it baffles him how Jeongguk isn't even willing to try to act on his feelings, to do anything about them.

Isn't it what people do?

"I'm going to ask you again, is the two of us being friends what you want?"

Jeongguk takes huge sips from his glass, "Of course it's not, but I can't just decide to change that on my own!" he shouts. "You're just sitting there and confronting me with my own feelings as if it was the most normal thing to do! As if you didn't have a say in that!"

Taehyung leans back, surprised by the aggresivity and sheer frustration in the younger's voice. He stares at him and his mouth refuses to say any of the words he wants.

"There's so many things I'm keeping to myself hyung," Jeongguk sighs in defeat. "I can't act around you the way I'd like to but it's what I have to do." He takes another sip, lets the bubbles die on his tongue. "I can't just let my impulses get ahead of me."

Taehyung is stuck in his own head.

"I'm sorry."

Jeongguk looks up at the ceiling, "Don't apologize, it's useless."

The first year lets his back find the edge of his mattress and Taehyung has a hard time looking him in the eye. For weeks all he has done is pressuring Jeongguk into telling him things, into admitting and confessing, and he's been too stupid to ignore how it burdened him.

"Jeongguk," he tries. "I think I've made up my mind."

Jeongguk glances at him over the em of his glass.

Taehyung attempts swallowing a knot that had formed in his trachea without success, "I'm not sure about anything Guk. About you, about us, even about myself," he states, putting his glass down. "But I still want to try."

"I'm not sure I understand."

The older shuts his eyes for a moment, gathering the courage he had been lacking so much, "I want to give us a try."

The other doesn't have the time to process what he's been told because Taehyung leans forward to join their mouths. Jeongguk gasps at the contact but relaxes when Taehyung's thumb roams over his jaw, his lips melting against the older's.

Taehyung had been eager to discover the taste of the younger's mouth again - as much as he hates to admit it - and Jeongguk still tastes the same, like forbidden adventures and quiet reassurance. He flattens his tongue over the plumness of the other's bottom lip and lets it meet Jeongguk's.

"Fuck -" Jeongguk groans in between kisses. He leans closer, unfolding his limbs to let his chest find Taehyung's, fingers crawling up the column of the older's throat, "Is this okay?"

Groaning, Taehyung helps him climb on his lap, arms wrapping around his waist, deepening the action of his tongue by tilting his head to the side. It is almost upsetting how badly he had needed this, how numb Jeongguk's mouth made him feel.

"More than okay."

Jeongguk throws his head back, holding onto Taehyung's shoulders, "W-Wait-"

Taehyung moves back reluctantly, his hands halfway up the other's shirt. The other smiles down at him, trails his fingertips over the elegant curve of his lips, along the defined jawline.

"What is it?"

Jeongguk's head dips into Taehyung's neck, "Nothing," he utters. "It's nothing. I'm just happy."

Taehyung ruffles his hair gently, inhaling deeply through his nose.

If this entire thing turned out to be a big mistake he doesn't think he would even care.

Chapter Text

Four.

Going through midterms is a pain in the arse. Jeongguk is perched over his desk most of the day, barely leaves it other than for bathroom breaks. His back hurts from being bent so many hours, and Taehyung obliges in massages more often than not to relieve him as well as he can. The first year consumes nothing else than different flavored instant noodles for the remaining days of the break and the older is forced to beg him to go to bed every single night.

The youngest is so anxious that he doesn't quite enjoy the New Year's Eve party he attends with Taehyung, feeling guilty for he loses precious study time to 'pointless alcohol consuption' as he likes to call it.

As the dreaded monday only gets closer, Taehyung - that is also busy going through his own pile of notes - devotes himself to help the freshman. It becomes a habit of him to place a pillow behind Jeongguk's back whenever he notices the lack of any, or to order some take-out to diversify the younger's ramyeon diet.

"I'm sorry," Jeongguk sighs as he stretches his arms over his head, finding his left shoulder sore. "We don't even hang out anymore, I just - study."

Taehyung smiles to himself, sat on his bed, "Don't sweat it, I was just like you" he assures him, pushing his glasses up his nose. "Stayed awake for almost 48 hours before the first exam."

"Seokjin-hyung didn't force you into bed? Sounds odd."

The older chuckles, "Oh believe me, he did. But the second I heard him snore I pulled my books out again."

The first day of exam is arguably the worst day of the scholar year, but Jeongguk comes back feeling confident about his doing. He tells all about the test to Taehyung, seeking reassurance in any way he could.

By the time the first week is over, Jeongguk doesn't even have the will to study for his remaining papers.

Taehyung lets his finger crawl up Jeongguk's bicep, "You're almost there."

Jeongguk turns his head, just enough so he can jauge the other's expression. "My head is a mess."

"That's normal," Taehyung utters, pecking his ear. "Lots of informations have been pushed in there these last few days."

"I just want it to be over."

"Soon."

Once he's walked out of his last exam, Jeongguk makes Taehyung swear they wouldn't talk about this subject until result day, and the older couldn't agree more.

They spend the week in between semesters chilling in their dorm, Jeongguk leaving for a party here and there. It almost feels like summerbreak, but both students know another half is about to start.

Taehyung pulls his toothbrush out of his bag, staring at his tired reflection, water trippling on cold tiles the only sound around.

"Hyung," Jeongguk calls out from his shower stall. "Are you staying here next year? For your masters?"

Taehyung curves an eyebrow as he pours toothpaste on his brush, not really sure about the answer to that. He has never been settled on one dream job of any sort, just kinda following his guts.

"I mean, you have the potential for great things, you could totally apply somewhere prestigious."

"I think I'm fine here."

Changing universities would mean move out, write dozens of applications, consult his parents' advice and many more aspects that Taehyung would rather avoid. It never crossed his mind to study abroad and now that Jeongguk was part of his life, he was pretty sure he didn't want that.

The other doesn't answer, but the water stops running.

Taehyung is brushing his hair lazily when Jeongguk steps out of his stall, wearing an oversized white shirt over a pair of black shorts, "You never told me what you wanted to do later."

"That's because I have no clue."

They walk back to their room and Jeongguk doesn't utter a word, silently watching the older from the corner of his eyes.

"Is everything okay?"

Jeongguk shrugs, folding his towel in half and setting it on his chair for it to dry.

Taehyung puts his bag down on his shelf, "Is that a yes?"

The other glares at him, "I'm fine." He throws his dirty laundry in their basket from across the room, groans when a sock falls out. "Nothing's the matter."

"Something's up." Jeongguk looks up in annoyance, now sitting on his bed. "I can tell."

"No you can't."

Jeongguk turns his bedside lamp on, moving back on his bed until his back finds the wall. He stays like that for a while, staring at his own lap, fingers nervously tapping his calves.

Taehyung is no expert in body language, but he can tell something is on his mind. He sits at the foot of his bed, "What's bothering you?"

Jeongguk shakes his head faintly, "I told you it was nothing."

Taehyung gets on his bed, knees sinking in the mattress as he invades Jeongguk's space.

"Hyung."

Taehyung lifts Jeongguk's chin with a finger, "You can tell me anything. I'm not going to judge you for it."

Jeongguk pushes his hand away, "I told you it was fine." Jeongguk spreads his legs and Taehyung instinctively fills the newfound gap. "Hyung-"

Taehyung hums, nipping down his jaw, "What is it?"

Jeongguk lets out a throaty moan, holding on to the older's shoulders for a moment.

"Mh?" Taehyung teases, smiling against his ear. "Is it something you'd rather show me?"

Jeongguk pushes on his feet, grinding upwards, "Stop talking."

Taehyung falls on his forearms when Jeongguk's hips find his, mouth threatening to spill words he hasn't even thought of yet. The other pulls him in a kiss and Taehyung dives into it, trying an experimental roll of his hips forward. He has never quite felt something like this, adrenalyn cursing through his veins as he reiters his action.

"Shit-"

Jeongguk arches his back, fingers leaving a reddened path as they slide down Taehyung's back.

"Have you been holding back all this time "

Jeongguk reverts their position with ease, "Stop talking."

Taehyung's complaints melt into a whine as Jeongguk ruts his hips against his, heat beginning to spread through his system. Each shove makes him grip the younger's shoulders tighter, his breath turning into a light panting. Everything is so different from what he'd imagine it would be, everything is much more intense and confusing. It's warm and thrilling, excruciating to share such a private part of himself with someone.

He'd be a fool - and a pretty bad liar - if he said that Jeongguk being the one leading him down paths he always feared wasn't making the experience that much less frightening.

"Not so talkative anymore, uh?"

Taehyung groans, muffling his cries by biting the skin where his thumb and index connect, the bed creaking under Jeongguk's movements. He shuts his eyes for a moment, but quickly decides that seeing Jeongguk's face was worth any embarrassement he was feeling.

Jeongguk slows down, drawing a large circle with his hips to sneak a hand down Taehyung's stomach, "Is this alright?"

Taehyung releases his hand, tries a shy nod.

Then Jeongguk's hand is moving further down, cupping his crotch through the thin layers of clothes. And when Taehyung has never been afraid of sex - be it porn or the talk around it -, it doesn't prevail his heartbeat from picking up its usually steady space.

Jeongguk presses the heel of his hand down and Taehyung's back arches away from the bed.

"You like that?"

He does. He thinks he has never liked anything as much.

Jeongguk runs his fingers under the shirt Taehyung's wearing, reaching down to feel the burning flesh disappearing into his boxer shorts.

"Please, please -"

Taehyung pulls Jeongguk down for another kiss and chases his tongue, pushing back against his until he withdraws for air, rolling his hips up. Jeongguk seems to understand, his cock heavy in his own shorts as he eases his fingers around Taehyung's shaft.

Taehyung feels like air has just been sucked out of his lungs, leaving him empty, a weight pressing over his chest.

"What do you want? "

Taehyung exhales through his mouth and it comes out shaky, fragile almost, "Fuck-" He tilts his head to the side, fisting the sheets in one hand, "Just hurry"

Jeongguk starts moving his wrist, slowly, tauntingly, and Taehyung's eyes roll in his skull. He bites on his bottom lip, forces his hips down,

"I never thought you'd want this as much as I do."

Taehyung's breathing quickens as he rubs a thumb over Taehyung's slit, leaving his finger slick with precum.

Taehyung pulls on the sheets, his other hand clutching Jeongguk's waist under his shirt, "Guk-"

He doesn't even know. He doesn't know what he wants nor how he wants it.

He sprawls his finger up Jeongguk's chest, down to his stomach. His abdominals contract under his touch and Taehyung's head twirls. "Can I touch you too?"

Jeongguk stills. He lunges forward to capture Taehyung's mouth again,grinds against nothing, "F-Fuck yes-" He grabs the other's hand, slides it down to his navel and over the bump in his shorts. "Touch me please."

He doesn't let go of Taehyung's hand, guides it inside his underwear.

"Oh god-" Taehyung can feel how hard Jeongguk is, how hard Jeongguk is because of him, and the thought alone drives heat down to his guts. He lets his fingers wander along the veins that adore the length, not even sure where Jeongguk starts and where he ends.

Jeongguk dives forward and Taehyung's fist finds his pelvis.

He throws his head back and all Taehyung can do is stare. Stare at the way his eyes flutter, at the gap separating his lips when he lets out a moan, at the darkened strains of hair sticking to his skin. Jeongguk levels himself on his elbows, enclosing both of their cocks in his palm and Taehyung thinks he is about to die.

There is something nerve-racking about this.

How naturally his own limbs move to accomodate to Jeongguk's. He lowers his hand down Jeongguk's back, tugging Jeongguk's shorts low enough to grab his ass, helping the erratic glide of their bodies as he kneads it between his fingers.

"Shit, it feels so good-"

Jeongguk's forehead knocks against his but Taehyung doesn't even care, too desperate for a release, the ache and tension in the pit of his stomach coming to a numbing peak. The sounds of flesh colliding, the mere feeling of it, seem to get to his brain, leaving it a mush of nothing but Jeongguk and his hand on him. He whimpers when Jeongguk starts pumping faster, nudging the younger's nose to capture his mouth again, tongue darting out to lick at his lips.

"Fuck hyung-" Jeongguk whines, rubbing his palm over the head of their cocks, "I'm getting close."

Taehyung nods, lowering one of his hands to circle their erections along with Jeongguk's.

"Sh- Shit"

Jeongguk glances down at their wrists, gluttural sounds spurring out of his mouth when Taehyung licks up the length of his neck to suck the skin over his adam apple.

Taehyung feels like he cannot breathe, like he is choking on his own saliva, his lungs yearning for some space when all he wants is to be impossibly closer to Jeongguk. Nothing makes sense.

Jeongguk's strokes get less patient, his thumb rubbing the spot right below the head of Taehyung's cock without mercy.

"Guk-" he cries, nailing the skin between Jeongguk's shoulderblades. His hips stutter, Jeongguk is kissing him again, and he moans Jeongguk's name as he comes, dirtying his shirt and belly, his lips flushed against his. "Oh fuck, oh fuck-"

Jeongguk releases their cocks, panting.

Taehyung smiles at him, high on his orgasm, and lets Jeongguk position him on his side.

"Tell me if you don't like it." Jeongguk moves behind him, a hand sneaking between Taehyung's legs to help spread them and slide his cock in the gap between his thighs, "shit, hyung."

Taehyung gasps when Jeongguk's balls slap against the back of his legs. It feels frustrating somehow, to feel him so close when he could just - have him inside.

"My name," he pants. Jeongguk groans, his thrusts becoming erratic and desperate. "Please - my name."

Jeongguk bites his trapezius as he stills completely, cum leaking down Taehyung's thighs and onto the sheets, "T-Tae."

They don't move for a while, Jeongguk riding his orgasm slowly.

Taehyung turns around and smiles, running a thumb along Jeongguk's left cheekbone, "You alright?"

Jeongguk nods. Taehyung reaches for the box of tissues sitting on his desk but Jeongguk takes it from his hands, retrieving several pieces to clean the older's stomach.

"I say we sleep in my bed tonight," he states, "How does that sound?"

Jeongguk chuckles, making a ball out of the handkerchieves, "Hygienic."

Taehyung boops his nose but joins in the laughter.

He feels strangely at peace, having expected some discomfort but finding none. But he weirdly figured that Jeongguk wouldn't make him feel that way.

"Thanks," he sighs, staring down at Jeongguk cleaning his shirt.

Jeongguk smiles, "Anytime."

They both hit the showers again and settle in Taehyung's bed once they've gotten rid of the dirty sheets on Jeongguk's.

Taehyung's eyelids are heavy, his entire body seems to ache for sleep yet the patterns that Jeongguk's fingers draw on his stomach and ribs, the steady exhales on his nape, make him want to stay awake for a bit longer.

"Are you okay?"

The older tilts his head slightly, just enough to catch a glimpse of Jeongguk's face, "I am. Are you?"

Jeongguk kisses the place where his shoulder meets his neck, "More than ever."

"Hyung, today's the day," Jeongguk states as he arranges a hoodie over his shoulders, "And I'm surprisingly not anxious at all. Which is weird."

Taehyung sneaks up behind him, easing his arms around his waist, "That's good."

Jeongguk pivots in his hold, "What if I have to retake my semester?"

"Why would you fail?" Taehyung asks, cupping his cheeks. "Your grades are more than average."

The younger shrugs, "I don't know. What if I misunderstood some questions or misplaced some answers?"

Taehyung pecks the tip of his nose, "You think too much Jeonggukie, you're going to be just fine."

They make way past the hord of students gathering in front of the panels where the results have been stapled, Taehyung's hand fisted in the back of Jeongguk's sweater not to lose him in the crowd.

He stands back once they're close enough, letting Jeongguk find his results.

Jeongguk comes back after a couple minutes and throws himself in his arms.

"See, I told you." 

Jeongguk lets out a shaky breath, "Shut up."

It takes ten minutes of debate for Jeongguk to convince Taehyung to attend the party thrown by students that night. There is booze, perhaps even some weed, and when they head back it is close to three in the morning.

The first snow of the year has started to coat the campus, not thick enough to linger on the ground, but enough to leave the grass glistening in the artificial lightning.

Taehyung's drunk, even though he stayed clear from any concoction including vodka - sipping on rum and beer instead. It isn't the bad kind of drunk though, just enough to extend a permanent grin on his face but not to make his stomach hurt.

"Is it normal that I feel super hot?" he frowns, staring at the falling flakes as he fans himself with a hand.

"That - would be the alcohol, hyung."

Taehyung sighs dreamily as if Jeongguk just disclosed some deep secret to him, then comes to a halt.

"Come on, we're almost there," the younger says.

But Taehyung doesn't move.

Jeongguk's eyes narrow in concern, "Are you feeling sick?" He covers the distance separating them, adjusts Taehyung's scarf around his neck, "Is your head hurting?"

Taehyung watches him in silence.

There was a chance that what he was doing with Jeongguk was a mistake, a relationship that was undoubtedly meant to end in tragedy. It could also be the best thing he's ever done and only time could tell.

"No. I'm fine."

Taehyung is scared.

He looks at Jeongguk, and he is scared. Scared that one day he won't be able to lift his glance and find him there, standing close and waiting for him.

He pulls Jeongguk by the collar and pulls him in a kiss, hoping he could carve the feeling of his lips against his, to engrave it in his mind for it to linger as long as he lived. "I'm glad you're the one that walked through my door that day."

It doesn't sound as meaningful as it did in his head, but it is as far as he can go without lying to Jeongguk - or to himself.

"So am I idiot."

The beginning of the next semester draws near, the new schedules handed out and exchange students getting settled in their new rooms. Jeongguk's hours are fewer than they were during the first half of the year - quite surprisingly - while Taehyung's have been built to allow his internship.

"Damn, I never finish before 6 pm," Taehyung sighs, sliding his finger down the touchpad of his computer. "That's going to piss me off."

Jeongguk hums, "At least you don't have saturday classes."

Taehyung blinks up, "That's true." He closes his laptop, stretches his arms above his head. "I'm going to the store, want anything?"

"I think we need some paper for the printer."

"Noted."

Taehyung is on his way back, carrying two very-full bags when he notices Jimin near one of the administrative buildings.

"Chim," he calls out, setting his bags on the floor and immediately rubbing his reddened fingers together.

The blonde looks up, a cardboard box in his arms, "Oh hey!"

"Are you moving in?"

Jimin nods, motioning to a building with his chin, "Yup. Got lucky enough to have a single bedroom and all."

"Really? I thought those were all full."

"Apparently not." Jimin replies, smiling, "Is yours in this building too?"

Taehyung shakes his head, "Next to the library, near the Law facility."

Jimin hums, "Makes sense."

This time, they exchange numbers and Jimin promises to let Taehyung hang out in his room whenever he wants to.

"Well, I'll see you around."

They do.

In fact, Jimin and Taehyung have a couple classes in common. And - to Jeongguk's relief -, the high school friends spend most of their time together.

Jimin is nice - some might even say he is too nice - and since he's met Jeongguk, Taehyung hasn't enjoyed someone's company as he enjoyed his. Even if Jimin brought memories from his - still unsettled, messy and confused - past, his presence helped Taehyung navigate his busy schedule with optimism.

And god knows that Taehyung barely has the time to even think about something not related to university. When he's not answering phonecalls or booking appointments for the lawyer that hired him, he is crawling under a mountain of essays and reports.

He becomes so overwhelmed that the time he has with Jeongguk is roughly reduced to breakfast and diner. And the least he can say is that he isn't fond of that.

That is why he clears some nights for them to simply be together, and it is those couple hours - stolen left and right - that hold the most importance to Taehyung. When their legs are all tangled up under the covers, when Jeongguk hums a melody under his breath as he browses Netflix to find the perfect movie or when chast kisses turn into Jeongguk leaving marks on his collarbones.

"Say hyung," Jeongguk starts, leaning to catch Taehyung's attention, "Is there anything you'd like to do on valentine's day?"

Taehyung blinks twice, looking up from the book he's reading, his head resting on Jeongguk's lap.

"We don't have to actually do something but I am open to suggestions," Jeongguk continues, gently scrapping the older's scalp.

The older settles his obligatory reading on his chest, "Do you have any ideas?"

"Not really."

"Whatever you want is fine with me." He reaches up to boop Jeongguk's nose. "Anything is."

Truly, he isn't fond of this kind of tradition; he finds it even quite absurd for there to be a specific day for couples to show their love to one another.

Jeongguk smiles down at him and grabs both of his cheeks, "This is not helpful," he beams, punctuating each word with a light tug.

Taehyung giggles, holding the younger's wrists, "But it's true," he mutters. "We could stay here, have a couple drinks and watch a movie and I'd still love it."

"You're being cheesy."

"So what?"

The younger rolls his eyes but Taehyung catches how they crinkle with affection as he tries to bite a smile back.

"You should put a shirt on, Jimin's going to get here any minute now," Taehyung claims from where he's seated at his desk. "Not that I personally mind the lack of said shirt."

Jeongguk scoffs, lying half naked on his bed, "It's not like he has never seen another man's chest before, he'll survive."

Taehyung shrugs, opening the file that contained his part of the presentation he and Jimin had been assigned to complete by the end of february.

"Are you sure I won't disturb you? I can still hang out at Yugyeom's."

The older makes his chair turn, "I told you it was fine like a million times," he sighs. "Jimin will be happy to see you, you're always out when he stops by."

"I guess," Jeongguk says, scrolling through his phone.

Taehyung makes his tongue click, "So... You're staying shirtless?"

The presentation that merely deserved two hours spreads to most of the afternoon - Taehyung blames it on Jeongguk's snarky comments while Jimin blames him for his lack of focus but in the end they're both guilty.

Jimin buys beers once they're done and by midnight, they're all lying on Jeongguk's bed, dizzy and inhebriated laughters engulfing the room into an almost out-of-place atmosphere.

"Hold up," the blond quacks out of nowhere, fetching his phone with apparent difficulty. "I promised a friend I'd stop by his appartment." He squints at his phone for a moment, "I should probably get going."

Taehyung pouts chidlishly, "Do you really have to go?"

Jimin rubs his thumb over his cheek, "A promise is a promise isn't it?"

Taehyung's pout only deepens but Jimin leaves ten minutes later anyway.

Taehyung nudges Jeongguk's jaw lazily, a leg drapped over his, pathing his skin with light pecks. He doesn't know when this had become normal for him to do that sort of things, but there's no real point in finding out anymore.

"I wish we could do this more often," Jeongguk utters. "Just be like that, doing nothing."

"Me too." Taehyung pushes himself up on his elbow, just so he can kiss Jeongguk properly.

Jeongguk melts into it, humming softly as he helps Taehyung on top of him.

They part and Jeongguk glances up at Taehyung with a tired smile, "I don't think I've ever told you that," he starts, sliding his hands down his chest. "But you're beautiful."

The older's eyes widen slightly. His heart seems to suddenly weight a ton.

"It's embarrassing to say out loud but it's true," Jeongguk adds, rubbing his thumbs over Taehyung's slim waist. "I see you every day, but I never get tired of your face."

Taehyung leans in to capture Jeongguk's lips again, "And here I thought you were bad with words."

Jeongguk giggles.

He simply giggles and Taehyung's chest seems to tighten, to internally close on itself. There's not much that boy needs to do to make him feel like that, like he's found someone to hold on to. And although this concept still frightens him, he's pretty sure it wouldn't have made any sense if anyone else had joined his dorm. Somehow he feels like it had to be Jeongguk.

"You have everything?"

Jeongguk straightens from where he's crouched near his suitcase, "We checked together, I'm pretty sure I didn't forget anything essential."

Taehyung comes up behind him, watches him close the bag, "I'm going to miss you."

Jeongguk stands up and the older snuggles him into a backhug, "It's only a week Tae," he chuckles, covering Taehyung's hands with his. "You'll get through it."

Taehyung mumbles in his neck, squeezing him a bit tighter.

"And you might even turn your late reports in during that time. You know, the ones you should've finished last week?"

"Hey it's not my fault if my teachers unleashed hell on us all at once," the older grunts.

Jeongguk leans his head back against his shoulder, "I know, I know."

As Jeongguk leaves for Busan again, carrying his bag outside of the room, Jimin arrives with his a couple hours later.

They both are very clear about how this wasn't a long sleepover but truly for the purpose of finishing their project. But it turns out that for the seven days Jimin stays, they do not sleep before two in the morning because of their shared dedication in whatever video games they played.

"So, how's it going with Jeongguk?"

Taehyung squints, focused on the screen of his tv, "Good, why do you ask?"

Jimin pouts but the other doesn't catch it, "I don't know, just popped in my head."

"Really?" Taehyung hums, pressing the same button repeatedly. "Was it Princess Peach's pink dress that reminded you of us? Her tiara maybe?"

"Nope," Jimin deadpans, using his upper body in every turn as if it'd help his kart move with more ease.

"So?"

Jimin's character passes Taehyung's, "It's just that he sometimes looks at you in that certain way," he states, tongue poking out in concentration. "When he tells you something and expects an answer but gets none for example."

Taehyung stills and his character falls off a cliff,  That sounds oddly specific. Does he really?" Jimin hums. "How?" Taehyung chances, focusing on the game again. "How does he look at me?"

Jimin heaves a sigh, pausing the game so he can look at him, "I don't know Tae." He lowers the controller on his lap. "Don't you think he'd like to hear you say you like him back?"

Taehyung nibbles on his bottom lip, avoiding the other's glance.

"Don't you like him too?" Jimin insists gently. "Isn't it why you're together?"

It is nothing against Jimin but Taehyung doesn't want to have that conversation there, at half past one in the morning playing Mario Kart.

"Tae?"

He swallows, finding his mouth dry, "I can't do that."

"What do you mean you can't?" Taehyung shuts his eyes, tapping on his controller nervously, the background music of the game slowly driving him insane. "Why can't you?"

"I don't-" He wants to measure his words. "I don't fall in love." Eh, still sounds pretty terrible to him.

Jimin quirks an eyebrow, "You don't want to?"

Taehyung blinks up at the ceiling, "No, it's not like that," he utters quietly. "I'd love to."

Jimin doesn't insist further.

"I've never experienced romantic feelings. It's just, not a thing that makes sense to me, more of an abstract concept," Taehyung says. "It's like something you see or hear about in a movie or in a book but that you can't relate to, you know what I mean?" Taehyung wouldn't blame him if he didn't. "Most people fall in love but I don't. There is just -" he pauses. "Nothing where romantic love should be."

Jimin lets out a quiet "oh" and Taehyung feels dread fill every inch of his body.

"I know it's unusual."

The other opens and closes his mouth a couple times before he speaks again, "Does he know?"

Taehyung chuckles faintly, "Jeongguk?" His laughter dies out quickly, then his head drops. "How could I tell him such a thing?"

"You need to."

Jimin is probably right and Taehyung had been blinded by how calm the past weeks had been, totally missing out on Jeongguk's growing concern.

"I'd lose him." It sounds fated. As if the unwanted outcome had already been choosen long before he accepted Jeongguk's confession. "And I can't lose him. Not like this."

A hand moves up and down his back, warm and compatissant. But somehow it makes Taehyung feel worse.

"He loves you. He cares about you and I don't think hearing about this could ever change that."

"What if it does?"

Jimin shakes his head, "You need to have more faith in him."

Jeongguk comes back and Taehyung cannot missread the look Jimin told him about. The longing, somewhat defeated glint in Jeongguk's eyes slowly consumes him with guilt. It is so obviously there that he ignores how he failed to notice it before.

They're seated in a corner of the campus' coffee shop, running over the first year's previous english lesson as they usually do on tuesday, but Taehyung's head isn't in it.

He reaches across the table to hold Jeongguk's hand.

"Mh?"

The genuinely surprised expression on his face fills Taehyung with an unsettling sadness, "I -", he blurts out, tightening his grip. "I just felt like it."

Jeongguk squeezes his hand back.

Taehyung runs his thumb in circles, caressing the back of his hand. It would be silly of him to rely on his gestures to express what his words couldn't but he still hopes Jeongguk can feel what he's trying to convey.

"By the way I got a 85 on my last test and I wouldn't have without your help."

"You would've, I'm sure."

He doesn't let go of Jeongguk's hand until the later requires it for typing.

It probably comes from a place of fear and doubt but Taehyung gradually tries to open up to Jeongguk, to let him in on glimpses of his past.

The process isn't natural or easy for him, and even if he's now used to physical intimacy, emotional closeness does appear trickier. It is something to let Jeongguk's hands wander where nobody else had but it is much tougher to let him in on personal memories.

"You've changed," Jeongguk states as he twirls a fork in his ramyeon box.

"Have I?"

Jeongguk looks up, "I mean that in a good way," he assures before blowing on his food. "You seem more comfortable with yourself."

Taehyung blinks at him, incredulous.

"Also, you do smile more often," Jeongguk continues. "Which is quite a nice sight if I do say so myself."

The older presses his lips together, fingers griping his own box tightly, "It's mostly thanks to you."

Jeongguk hums absent-mindedly, glaring down at his noodles.

"I mean it."

"I know you do."

Taehyung feels like his mouth is about to run, like words threatened to spill without his consent and it physically hurt to not let them out and keep quiet.

"I just want you to know that you don't have to be so hard on yourself," Jeongguk continues once he's swallowed a bite. "I like you the way you are."

The older frowns, his heartbeat pounding at his temples, "I - don't understand."

"I'm telling you that you don't need to try to be different to please me. I don't want you to feel like you have to be someone you're not for me to stay." Jeongguk's eyes narrow as his mouth melts into a smile, "You look like you're about to cry hyung."

Taehyung chuckles, and it hurts, "That's because I am."

February is gone in the blink of an eye, and with that Jimin and Taehyung's presentation too. They both leave the classroom satisfied with their work, now solely relying on the two professors' opinion for them to pass their class.

Seokjin calls him less often, but he still checks up on him regularly, making sure he's not slacking or skipping classes. He knows his hyung is busy with his job, forced to travel back and forth in between conferences across the country so every single minute spent over the phone is a pleasure.

He hears over time that Yoongi succefully started his own show on a national radio and that Hoseok had the opportunity to work with a new artist on their choreography. It feels odd to be the last one to know, but it doesn't lighten the importance of any of it.

"Namjoon said he found a nice appartment, I'll send you pictures," Seokjin says. "You could come over if you wanted to."

Taehyung laughs over the phone, making his pen turn between his fingers, "That sounds nice."

"So, only a semester left, uh?"

"Yeah, it's actually crazy," Taehyung sighs. "I don't even know what I'll do after that."

"You can always find a temporary job for a year and think it through."

Taehyung nods before realizing how stupid it was of him, "Yeah, but I'll need my parents' approval first."

Seokjin hums, "I'm sure they'd understand."

Taehyung wants to talk about what Jimin told him but he's pretty sure that Seokjin's point wouldn't differ from his, so he doesn't.

Taehyung bites on his lip for a moment, "Feel free to stop by soon hyung."

He can hear the smile in Seokjin's voice when he replies, "I surely will."

With March comes a rainy weather but Taehyung doesn't mind rain. He finds it the perfect background to a study session with Jimin, likes the sound of it finding the large windows of the library they seem to spend their entire days in.

"You keep questioning me about Jeongguk but what about you?"

Jimin looks up from his notebook, dark circles below his eyes, "What-"

"Anyone special?" Taehyung asks, lifting his coffee to his lips.

The blonde looks up at the ceiling, "There's no one like that."

"Yet."

"I'm going to murder you in your sleep."

Taehyung's possibilites in the lawyer's office widen slightly by the one month mark. Other than sitting for hours at the reception desk, he now gets to pre-interview new potential clients, in charge of writing any sensible point that his employer would like to know before taking their cases. Which, in itself is quite interesting, although it assures him that a job in that specific field wasn't like anything he desired.

"That lady wanted to like, fill a lawsuit against the city because her son hit his head on a streetpole."

Jeongguk cackles, his front teeth showing, "For real?"

Taehyung sighs, massaging his own shoulder, "Some people have really weird requests."

"I can tell." Jeongguk comes behind Taehyung's chair, replacing his fingers with his own. "I can also tell that you work too much."

The older's eyes roll back in his head as he leans into the touch, "I have to. Nobody's gonna do it for me."

"You know that's not what I meant."

Taehyung sighs.

Jeongguk settles his chin on top of Taehyung's head, reading the first paragraph of the essay he was typing, "This looks boring."

"It is. Jimin and I barely make it through Civil Law without falling asleep."

"Doesn't help that the class starts at 8 either, does it?"

Even when their schedules don't quite match, Taehyung and Jeongguk find time to grab lunch together, sometimes in Jimin's and Yugyeom's company. It doesn't seem like much, but seeing other faces is surprisingly refreshing.

"That guy right here," Yugyeom sighs, pointing at Jeongguk with his thumb. "Dragged me to the campus' choir."

Jeongguk shoves him, "Dragged you? You didn't exactly complain."

Jimin laughs around his lollipop.

"Anyway, I hope to see you at the show in june," Yugyeom says, hopeful. "I promise it'll be fun."

Taehyung nods, "Was already planning on it... and Jimin will be there too, right?" Taehyung asks, elbowing him in the side.

The blond almost chokes on his lollipop, "Only if you don't accidentally kill me before that."

"I could never," Taehyung laughs, poking his cheek.

Taehyung actually attends a choir lesson that week, seated on one of the many seats in front of the stage.

There's more students than he would've expected but his eyes never leave Jeongguk. He watches him nod to every instruction or advice given by their conductor, watches him scribble on the sheets whenever he feels like adding details to the song charts.

As they walk through the campus back to their dorms Taehyung cannot help but wonder what Jeongguk's voice would sound like on its own in such settings. He is pretty sure it'd be beautiful and somewhat graceful, especially since he's heard him humming to a hundred songs playing on tv.

"Remember how I told you I was unsure what to major in?"

Taehyung lifts his gaze from the ground, " Yeah I think? "

"I wanted to study musicology," Jeongguk confesses, a shy smile on his lips. "But my parents said that it was foolish, that learning economics was a more secure path."

The other pouts.

He remembers having to enter his university wishes, his mom and dad watching over his shoulder as he did so. It wasn't that he regretted his choice - he didn't - but there was a voice inside his head telling him that he should've gone for something he really loved and was passionate about.

"You could still go for that, you know?"

Jeongguk hums to himself, "Yes, yes."

Jimin clears his throat, his chin in the palm of his hand. His glance is settled straight on the whiteboard, but none of the words written on it seem to capture his attention.

He elbows Taehyung in the side, "Hang in there."

Taehyung groans, rubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater.

"Only twenty minutes left, don't get yourself kicked out now."

Taehyung retrieves his pen, pretends to scribble on his notebook, "You mean there is still twenty minutes left."

Jimin rolls his eyes, "Come on, this class isn't even the worst one."

"I know, but I just want it to end."

When he reaches the dorm that night, it is ten past eight and the room is plunged in pitch darkness, except for a couple candles settled on the table.

"What the- Guk?"

A chuckle rises and Jeongguk appears in his sight, a hand extended towards him.

"What is this?"

The younger grabs him by the wrist, guiding them both towards the center of the room, "Don't you know?" His voice is soft and quiet, barely distinguishable from the light crepitation of the candles.

Taehyung shakes his head.

"We're the 30th," Jeongguk says.

He lets go of Taehyung's hand and settles on his side of the table, instantly reaching under the table for a bottle of red wine. That is when it clicks in the older's mind.

Taehyung sits as well, handing him the cork, "Has it already been three months?"

Jeongguk giggles, popping the bottle open, "Time sure flies, right?" he says more than asks. He pours some of the alcohol in Taehyung's glass cautiously, "Feels like it was yesterday, but it also feels like it's been years."

Taehyung couldn't agree more. In such a small amount of time, many things had occured, most of them he never ever thought of. And to be there, celebrating these couple months, feels quite unreal. The idea of it only being the first of many anniversaries bring something resembling warmth to him, easing all the questions he's been relentlessly pushing aside since he's started dating Jeongguk - even before that.

He watches Jeongguk fill his own glass and lift it across the table, "To us."

"To us."

That night, Taehyung lets Jeongguk's hands wander in places he thought he'd never let anyone touch with a disarming willingness. He lets Jeongguk fill him in ways he thought were impossible, and he loves it.

"Are you alright?"

Taehyung hums, his forehead glistening with sweat, eyes shut tightly as Jeongguk eases a third finger inside of him. The tension hurts, the wetness of the lubrifiant feels weird, yet he wants more.

Jeongguk rubs his hipbone with a thumb as he starts stretching him, searching his face for any sign of discomfort or pain, "Tell me if you want to stop at any point, okay?"

The older nods, gritting his teeth when Jeongguk's index grazes a sensible spot, "Oh shit-"

"Did I hurt you?" Jeongguk asks, his hand going completely still.

Taehyung releases a breath that had been stinging his lungs, "No, no," he blurts out, reaching blindly for the other. "Just - keep going."

Jeongguk takes his hand in his and brings it to his mouth, dropping a light kiss on the knuckles, "Okay."

It is quite funny that while he is lying down, completely naked, that simple gesture is the one thing that makes Taehyung's heart race.

The younger pushes his fingers in another time and Taehyung moans loudly as his back arches. The unnatural stretch feels overwhelming but Jeongguk has just found something that was worth the hurt.

"Keep doing that." Jeongguk obliges, curving his fingers the same way and repeatedly pushing against the same spot. "I'm gonna come if you keep going," Taehyung moans, unconsciously thrusting back against his hand. "It's fine, I'm - I'm good."

Jeongguk slowly retrieves his fingers, reaching down to kiss him on the lips.

Taehyung's hole clutches around nothing and it is the most unsettling sensation he has ever felt, "Hurry," he utters, wrapping his arms around Jeongguk's neck. "Hurry up and do it."

The other kisses him once more, pushing his tongue inside his mouth. He hums, grabbing Taehyung's cock to jerk it a couple times.

"Come on - please"

Jeongguk nods, reaching for the bottle of lube. He pops it open and the sound seems to travel through their room, echoing against the white walls right back to Taehyung's eardrums.

"Try to relax," Jeongguk utters gently. "As much as you can," he adds, pouring some lube down on the condom covering his erection.

Taehyung focuses on his breathing, trying to thaw his limbs and uncurl his toes.

Jeongguk leans in, joining their mouths again as he presses the head of his cock against Taehyung's hole. It sends jolts down Taehyung's spine, makes him suck a startled breath in, "Please - Please Guk."

The other nods, "Take a deep breath," he utters, pushing cautiously until he's filled Taehyung.

Taehyung is so tight, so hot, and maybe Jeongguk says it all out loud. He puts himself down on his forearms, litters kisses along Taehyung's jaw and neck, uttering soft words of reassurance.

Taehyung feels like he is sinking, his fingers are so deeply clutched in Jeongguk's hair that he almost can't feel them anymore.

Jeongguk nudges the column of his neck, drags his bottom lip along the length.

"Just give me a minute," Taehyung says through gritted teeth. "A couple seconds- to just-"

The pain is almost unbearable, the stretch a torturous burn, but Taehyung embraces every part of it - even when tears roll down his cheek onto the covers.

"Hey, hey," Jeongguk ushes, wiping them with a thumb, "Look at me."

Taehyung blinks up at him, cheeks reddened, chest heaving unevenly. He wants to tell him it's alright, that he doesn't have to worry but his mouth refuses to obey.

"We don't have to do this today." He pulls out slowly, and the drag makes Taehyung wince. "It can wait."

Taehyung uses the heel of his feet to pull him back in until Jeongguk's hips buck against the back of his thighs "Don't-"

It hurts, it truly does, but Taehyung can't let it stop.

Jeongguk moves back until only the head is left inside and Taehyung pulls on his legs again, "Shit -" he can feel his cock harden again on his own stomach. "That felt good."

Jeongguk reiters his action and Taehyung swears nothing felt as fulfilling as this. There wasn't a single thing this world could offer that had the capacity of giving him such a thrill. He felt like he was hanging over a thread, and perhaps he really was about to fall. Jeongguk settles on a careful rhythm, slow and deep, panting in Taehyung's neck, pressing kisses down his throat.

His cock drags against Taehyung's prostate and Taehyung cries out, letting go of the sheets to grab Jeongguk's shoulders.

Jeongguk grinds harder, hitting that spot over and over, leaving him choking on his own breath. He makes noises he's sure he'll feel embarrassed about later but the pain has finally blurred out and that's all that matters here and there.

"Fuck Guk, I-"

Jeongguk lowers a hand between their bodies to wrap Taehyung's cock in his fingers, stroking him along with his thrusts.

"I-I'm not gonna last"

Taehyung moans and moans and Jeongguk drowns in the sound of it, fucking harder into him until the bed starts creaking furiously.

"Oh god I'm gonna die-"

Jeongguk lets go of his cock to let his hands run along Taehyung's thighs, spreading them apart, thumbs pressed on the inside of them and Taehyung's voice gets caught somewhere in his throat. His nails leave crescent shapes in Jeongguk's skin, deep enough to draw blood.

"Taehyung, Tae-" He isn't sure how many times he calls out his name, he isn't even sure it's not all in his head. "So good, so fucking good-"

The bed's frame hits the wall relentlessly and Taehyung's head is completely empty. There's nothing but Jeongguk on top of him, inside of him.

"Oh god-" he whimpers, mouth flushed against Jeongguk's cheek. "Don't stop, don't stop-"

Jeongguk straigthens up, setting on his knees and Taehyung whines, "Lift your hips."

Taehyung's body moves on its own, long enough for Jeongguk to prop a pillow below his butt. Then he is thrusting again and the new angle has Taehyung sobbing under him, "I'm gonna come-"

Jeongguk groans and the sounds are obscene, the flesh on flesh slicked with sweat and precum adding up to the hinges of the bed creaking incessantly.

Taehyung's orgasm leaves his body shaking and forces moans out into his palm.

Jeongguk leans again, kissing him roughly, teeth clattering as he rams into him desperately, "Taehyung- fuck!" He stills, filling the condom, biting into Taehyung's shoulder.

They don't move for a moment, heavy panting filling the room.

Taehyung groans when he pulls out, the emptiness somehow feeling worse than the ache he's felt before. Jeongguk rolls on his back and removes the condom, tying it up and throwing it in the trashcan across the room.

They lie there, side by side and Taehyung is still so high on his orgasm that he's not sure wether his eyes are open or shut.

"That was... something." Taehyung glances at Jeongguk, finding him staring right back, a quiet smile on his parted lips, "I'm going to limp for a week," he utters.

Jeongguk's smile deepens, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

Jeongguk sits up, reaching for his tissue box. He gently rubs his stomach clean with a handkerchief, marks from where his fingers lingered bearing a light pink color.

He then helps him to the showers, gently rubbing his scalp with shampoo and soothing every tensed up muscle in his back as he soaps him up.

"I'm so tired."

Jeongguk hums, rinsing them both, "In a minute babe."

He wraps him in two blankets, walks him to back to their room and lets him lie down while he changes the sheets of his bed.

"Guk," Taehyung calls out faintly, curled up on his side, "Come here."

Jeongguk joins him, settles the cover on both of them and strokes his neck and arms until he's fallen asleep.

Chapter Text

Five. 

Taehyung's eyes flutter as he slowly emerges from sleep, pupils adapting to the light coming from the window. Fingers thread through his hair, gently roaming through the brown curls as he blinks and squints at the same time, merely finding the strength to cover his eyes with an arm.

"Hey you." Jeongguk's voice is soft, as sweet as the smile spreading on his mouth.

It lulls Taehyung back into fake inconscience, limbs trembling as he stretches them with care. "Hi." It comes out all throaty and raw, half stuttered as an ache seems to settle betwen his hips.

"You okay?"

Taehyung's nose scrunches, "Just a bit sore," he utters, resting his cheek on his own arm. "But nothing a shower won't ease."

Jeongguk puckers his lips ever so lightly that Taehyung barely catches it, his vision still blurry, "Well, it's sunday so we can just..." he leans in, nuzzling Taehyung's nose, "stay in bed for as long as we please."

"Sounds great."

The ache mends into more precise hurt and when he's back in amphitheaters, climbing stairs for his classes or discussing with clients' cases at the office, Taehyung has to take it on himself not to whine.

When he comes back from his classes on tuesday Jeongguk offers him a massage and a pack of heated patches he's purchased for him to use whenever the pain gets too insistent.

"What would I do without you."

Jeongguk simply rolls his eyes - even when the other can't see any of it - letting the pads of his fingers knead down Taehyung's spine.

Jimin shuffles on top of his bed, "Have you finished the english assignment yet?"

Taehyung sighs dramatically, flopping by his side, the mattress bouncing along smoothly, "I haven't even started." He covers his eyes with an arm, "I almost forgot about it."

"Well it's due in two days, you remember that?"

The other nods, "I'm just done with this year, I can't wait for it to be over," he groans, quite childisly. "It's just endless lectures, essays and even more boring lectures."

Jimin grins, patting his shoulder gently, "You've survived two years, half of another one won't kill you."

It is true. But Taehyung isn't solely excited about getting his diploma.

The quick approach of the end of the year scared him. Both for his future career plans - or lack of any - and for the relationship he and Jeongguk shared. He had told him he wasn't planning on moving, and he still didn't, but other than Jeongguk himself, nothing tied him to the campus or even Seoul.

"It's weird," he mutters, rolling on his side. He stares at Jimin for a moment. "I always wanted to leave this place. That is until I met Guk."

His friend beams, bringing his knees up against his chest, "And now you're confused, it's normal. You're not weird for feeling like that."

Taehyung nibbles on his bottom lip. As much as he likes to hear it from someone else, it doesn't make any of his doubts vanish.

"Hey, you'll figure this out in time."

He gets a call from Seokjin just as he gets on the bus that takes him from the lawyer's cabinet where he interns back to the campus one late afternoon, the ID flickering on his phone's screen.

"Hey hyung," he exhales, walking towards the middle of the vehicule.

There seems to be a lot of noise on the other end of the line before Seokjin talks back, "Hi taetae, how are you?"

"I'm fine, what about you?"

A pause.

It lingers and Taehyung's bus is almost halfway to his stop before he gets a reply.

Seokjin's voice comes out muffled and low, "My job's killing me but I guess I'm alright."

Taehyung sighs disapprovingly, "You sure about that?"

It wasn't like him to instigate personal conversations but Seokjin sounded like he needed one.

"Well..." Taehyung waits, doesn't force any further. "Remember that appartment I told you about? The one Namjoon found in Seoul?" Taehyung vaguely hums back. "It's been rented already, all because I couldn't come visit in time. Namjoon is pretty pissed."

Now Taehyung has heard and watched these two a lot - enough to know that their relationship relied on stability, it was all about balance and respect. They barely argued and it was what pained him in hearing such a thing.

"I'm sorry," is all he manages to say.

Seokjin exhales loudly and the sound seems to travel directly to Taehyung's chest, "It's not your fault, don't apologize."

Taehyung doesn't have an answer to that, so he stays quiet.

"And honestly I understand him. I mean, put yourself in his shoes: I basically live in hotels! For some people it's ideal, but for me, to us, it's hell." Seokjin sniffles vaguely and Taehyung's heart sinks. "We've only seen each other twice last month, can you imagine?"

"That really sucks."

Oh how Taehyung wished he could give more than useless commentaries to his friend. But he doesn't have words, can't find them. He doesn't know what else to tell him.

Seokjin lets out a dry, cold, laughter, "We'll work it out though, we definitely will," he mutters, probably more to himself than to his junior.

The line goes silent again.

Taehyung reaches for the red button on one of the bus' poles and presses it lightly, eyes observing the 'next stop requested' sign light up behind the driver's cabin.

"Ah, you probably didn't want nor need to hear about all of that, did you?" Seokjin asks in a rush. "So what's up with you? How's Jeongguk?"

It sounds like he is the one in need of a different subject and Taehyung lets him have it without an ounce of hesitation.

"Hum, he's fine," he states, stepping closer to the exit doors. "And we're, well, very good."

Seokjin sniffles again, "That's all?"

Taehyung figures he could go into more details, "Celebrated our three months anniversary last saturday," he observes, unable to restrain the smile growing on his face. "There were candles and champagne, it was lovely."

His hyung laughs and this time it sounds less bitter, "Wow." He sounds genuinely surprised and that causes Taehyung's grin to deepen. "He's quite the sweetheart isn't he?" he says more than asks. "I'm so glad you have him, Tae."

"I'm glad I have him too," Taehyung echoes, lowering his chin. "And yes, he's quite the nice guy."

"Please be good to him."

Taehyung lets out a contained breath that had begun flaring his lungs, "Promise I will be."

When Taehyung enters his room Jimin is there, chatting with Jeongguk as they're both seated on the floor, a re-run of a musical event playing on TV. The first year's bed is covered in junk food, from french fries to caramelized pop corn.

"Babe."

Jeongguk gets up and is lacing his arms around Taehyung's waist before the other has the time to answer or drop his bag. He hums softly under his breath, his cheek stuck to the side of Taehyung's neck, his exhales making the hair on Taehyung's arms rise in waves.

Jimin giggles in the back, dipping a nugget in barbecue sauce.

Taehyung rests his forehead against Jeongguk's, warmth and familiarity setting in his system as if they've always belonged there, "I'm beat," he confesses. Still, he wraps his arms around Jeongguk, dragging him closer to join their mouths in a light peck. "Won't stay up late."

Jeongguk's mouth curls down at the edges as he pouts, "Okay."

"Chimchim can stay over though," the other adds before he kisses him again. "I can ask for another mattress."

Jimin shrugs, "It's as you wish, I just don't want to be a bother to you."

Taehyung gently pokes the top of his head, "Don't be silly, it's nice to have you here once in a while."

To that, Jeongguk nods.

Eventually Jimin stays over at least twice a week, be it to catch up with some lesson he's skipped or simply to see Taehyung and Jeongguk.

As a result Taehyung rarely finds time for himself, juggling between college and internship as best he can. He sometimes naps in the library in the middle of the day, compensating with his lack of sleep, and Jimin always lets him.

Taehyung drops his pen on his desk.

"Come on, you'll get your mind off studying tomorrow night," Jimin says, reaching out to pat his thigh. "Only a couple hours but it'll be good for you, I swear."

"Do I really have to come?"

Jimin pouts as he kneels closer to him, "Jeongguk wants you to be there." He glances up at him, wide eyed. "And I do too."

Taehyung's forehead finds the notebook he's been writing on for the entire night, "Fine. But only if you help me with this goddamn essay."

Nightclubs are loud. Exceptionally so.

Taehyung downs a mouthful of beer, leaning back against the bar, quietling observing the room. The song playing is catchy but the beat unnerves him, his foot tapping the floor repeatedly as he scans his surrounding absent-mindedly.

To: Gukkie
where are you? i'm already inside.

When he doesn't see the dots appearing within the next minute he pockets his phone, groaning when some guy runs into him and doesn't bother stopping for an apology. Seemed like the place being crowded was used as an unspoken authorization to have and show no manners.

"Aren't you going to dance?" Jimin asks, jumping on a stool nearby.

Taehyung didn't even see him come.

Jimin heaves a long sigh, brushing the blonde strands sticking to his forehead back with a hand, parted lips exhaling uneven puffs of hair. He quirks a curious eyebrow.

"I will," Taehyung assures, making his bottle roll in his hand. "Later."

"You do you."

Jimin orders a glass of vodka red bull and Taehyung watches the bartender mix the two liquids from the corner of his eye. The tasks looks fancier than it needs to be, over-exaggerated arm movements and shakes of the bender.

"Where's your boyfriend? Stuck in traffic?"

Taehyung dabs at some sweat on his temple with his sleeve, "I don't know."

The appelation startles him for about half a minute until he's swallowed it down with another sip of beer. He was there to have fun, not to brood - something he could easily do in the comfort and quietness of his own bed.

"Eh, he'll get here soon," Jimin says as he hands bills to the bartender in exchange for his beverage.

"Yeah," Taehyung nods.

His phone vibrates and he immediately pulls it out.

From: Gukkie
in line for the cloakroom.

"Be right back."

Jimin doesn't have the chance to answer.

Taehyung bumps into another few people, muttering sorrys they can't even hear, until he's reached the corridor leading to the entrance. Jeongguk waves at him from where he stands, his bomber jacket in hands.

It had been one of Jeongguk's wishes for the two of them to spend more time together and Taehyung had come to realize that sharing a room wasn't nearly enough for such a thing to happen. As sad as it was, he was willing to make more efforts and create more occasions for them to be alone and go out.

He doesn't have to wait long for Jeongguk, the younger already strutting his way with a smile plastered on his face. It shouldn't make Taehyung's stomach curl the way it does.

"Sorry for being late," Jeongguk states, rubbing the curve of Taehyung's biceps with his thumb. It roams over a darkned spot right under the muscle and Taehyung shudders lightly. "I wish I could've arrived sooner."

Taehyung takes his hand in his, "It's okay."

Jeongguk's fingers fall in between his naturally, without a beat of hesitation. His hand is cold against Taehyung's - probably from the waiting he's done outside of the venue - but Taehyung doesn't mind.

They make their way back towards the bar and Taehyung recalls the first time they attended a party together, back in september. How he ended up passing out on Jeongguk and how Jeongguk had nursed him as if he had caught a deadly plague the next morning. Back then, he had no idea what Jeongguk would mean to him one day.

"It's been a while, uh?"

Taehyung puts half of his weight on a stool, "Sure has." He can feel the heat where Jeongguk's front is flushed against his side, where his hand rests at the bottom of his spine. "What's your poison tonight?"

Jeongguk leans in and settle his chin on his shoulder, "Tequila I think?"

They've both spent too much money on drinks when Taehyung finally guides Jeongguk towards the dancing crowd, progressing through the mass of people with difficulty. And he should maybe feel a bit wary of the looks they get but he lets the alcohol he's consumed play its part instead. They could think whatever they wanted.

He giggles at something - he is unsure what - as Jeongguk's hands settle on his hips, firm and steady as he lines their bodies up, his front stuck to Taehyung's back. The air is thick and damp, Jeongguk's mouth on his nape making him feel like he's about to suffocate, a single drag of the bottom lip making his head twirl and buzz.

"Hot."

His head comes to rest against Jeongguk's shoulder as he gently rocks with him. He should've thought better than to wear a long sleeved shirt.

Jeongguk's hands slide down the front of his shirt, lifting the fabric just enough for his palms to sit on his thin, delicate waist.

The skin on skin contact weirdly grounds Taehyung, fingers spreading on his ribs until Jeongguk is tightening his grip there, squeezing ever so lightly. Jeongguk's hands feel so large and big around him, it is staggering. It is numbing how his fingers drag down his sides, how he twists his thumbs over the creases below his hipbones and hooks the pads right below the elastic of Taehyung's boxers.

The music seems to become distant as Jeongguk carefully starts to rock up into him. And god, Taehyung has to remind himself where they are when Jeongguk's tongue comes out to lick the outline of his ear.

He tilts his head to the side unconsciously, offering more skin and honestly, he can't focus.

Jeongguk presses the heel of his hands down on his hips and Taehyung barely contains a moan. His back arches and this time he doesn't contain his gasp, because he can feel just how aroused Jeongguk is. It makes him push back with insistence, breath ragged and all inhibitons thrown aside.

Jeongguk kisses up his throat until he's panting into his ear and Taehyung isn't sure his brain is still functioning - people becoming vague figures as he rolls his hips back more eagerly, desperately seeking more friction.

"Guk," he calls out. "Guk let's just-"

He turns to face him, his chest heaving as he pants.

Jeongguk is smirking at him, an eyebrow quirked as he lets his hands ghost up to Taehyung's waist again.

Taehyung leans in and seals their mouths together - finally -, diving like he's been aching for it - maybe he was. He moans into the kiss, arms enclosing Jeongguk's neck and pulling him closer. He is lightheaded by the sheer want burning in his guts.

Too early Jeongguk pulls back, and Taehyung whines before he's dragged towards the bathrooms. He stares at the back of Jeongguk's head the entire time, until they've found an empty cubible and Jeongguk's locked the door behind them.

They stare at each other for a while, Jeongguk still holding Taehyung's hand in his.

"Fuck it."

Jeongguk is kissing him again, wet and rushed and messy as he stomps forward and Taehyung isn't sure this isn't all the result of the all-nighters he's pulled the past week. His back hits the door as Jeongguk fumbles with his belt and licks into his mouth.

"I want you so fucking bad."

Taehyung shivers at the words.

"Off," Jeongguk bites, shoving Taehyung's pants halfway down his thighs along with his boxers. "Take them off."

Taehyung doesn't even have the time to do anything, fingers grab at the base of his cock, tugging at it gently at first, the pads following the shape of the veins, "Hurry up then- god, hurry." He glances down at Jeongguk's hand, rattling his bottom lip with his teeth. "Jeon, hurry."

Jeongguk chuckles, dark and luscious and maybe it's the alcohol, the heat of the club, but Taehyung is pretty sure he could come at the sound alone.

"Touch me." Taehyung has to bite the inside of his cheeks not to beg, a corner of Jeongguk's mouth curling upwards. "For real. Touch me for real."

He lowers his own hand on top of Jeongguk's and instigates a slow back and forth movement, jaw falling slack when Jeongguk presses his thumb against his frenulum.

"Yes." It is more vibration than sound. "Just like that-"

It is over before he's even had the time to enjoy it, Jeongguk licking precum off his fingers tentatively, eyes fogged yet still somber and dusk.

Jeongguk laughs again and Taehyung's body moves on its own. He undoes the buttons of his jeans, drags the pants down his thighs.

"What are you-"

Taehyung's sunk on his knees, fingers freeing Jeongguk's erection from his boxers, "D'you want me to stop?" He watches Jeongguk swallow, feels his fingers thread through his hair.

He kisses the head of his cock and Jeongguk hisses, scraping the back of Taehyung's neck down to his nape, "You don't have to do that."

Taehyung smiles, giving Jeongguk's dick a few jerks, "I want to," he utters, licking the slit in one long stripe, "I really do. 

"Shit."

He cups the balls, feels their weight in between his fingers, squeezes gently on them, his lips spreading just enough to let the head slide past. Jeongguk tugs on his hair and Taehyung moans around his erection, flattening his tongue underneath it. He chances a glance up and is met with Jeongguk's fiery yet undone gaze and now he knows exactly how he wants it.

Taehyung wants to see Jeongguk lose it, he wants to see him squirm and swoon.

He inhales roughly through his nose and relaxes his jaw, sinking further down Jeongguk's length. It is nothing like he's thought it would feel, but he thinks he likes it. He uses a hand to grab one of Jeongguk's thigh, marveling at how tight the muscles feel under his palm.

"Fuck, babe."

Jeongguk's words find home in Taehyung's stomach. He reaches for his own cock to get himself off as he slowly starts to suck. He tries tilting his head to the side as he bobs up and down.

The drag of his lips, the erratic hitch of his exhales, the urgency of the situation and the fact that anyone walking by could hear them makes Jeongguk's knees tremble and shake. Taehyung's hair is a mess under his hand, knots forming in the soft strands as he tugs and tugs for balance.

Taehyung pulls out, jerking both him and Jeongguk for a while, lips swollen and a bright pink color.

Jeongguk's head falls back when his tongue laps where the foreskin meets the head, "I'm so close."

Taehyung captures his bottom lip behind his teeth, thumbing at the slit, "Are you?"

Jeongguk tugs more harshly on his hair this time and Taehyung whines before he takes his cock back in his mouth, swallowing until he can feel the head against the back of his throat and his nose is buried in Jeongguk's pubic hair. He keeps him there for a moment, blinking up at Jeongguk.

And god, he looks wasted. In every sense the word takes.

Then Taehyung is sucking him again, fast and rough. The sounds are lewd, filthy, wet, and Taehyung's balls tense at all Jeongguk's saying. It doesn't even begin to make sense, sentences ended midway, curses resonating within the cubicle.

"Shit, shit- oh god"

He's close and Taehyung is too, his cock heavy in his hand. It only takes another couple bobs of his head before Jeongguk pulls back urgently. Taehyung watches him stroke himself twice, come leaking into his fisted hand and down his wrist.

The vision alone is enough for Taehyung to reach his own climax, kneeling on the bathroom floor.

When they finally walk back into the club they find Jimin seated at the bar, a mojito in hand. He asks where they hell they had been for the past twenty minutes and their smiles alone make him regret his decision immediately.

Days go by naturally. So naturally in fact that Taehyung hasn't caught himself overthinking as much as he used to.

And he wishes he could've started doing that earlier, simply enjoying Jeongguk and the times they spent together. Be it in the intimacy of their dorm or with Jimin and Yugyeom during parties, late night drinks or break time on the campus.

After mere weeks, he even calls Jeongguk his 'boyfriend' without being disturbed by the usage of the word that used to hold some sort of scary meaning in the past. Everything goes along, and Taehyung is genuinely happy, happy like he hasn't been in years.

How weird that it is all because of someone else. 

Seokjin comes to visit during the break week following exams along with Yoongi - that found funny to jumpscare Taehyung at the airport. They stay in a hotel near campus for three nights but spend most of their time with Jeongguk and Taehyung.

"Well, you should give my show a listen," Yoongi states as he makes several pieces of chicken turn on top of a grill. "I promise it isn't a bore, you'll like it."

Jeongguk smiles, "What is it about?"

"I share my musical tastes basically," Yoongi explains. "But my favorite part is the section dedicated to new artists, those that aren't well known and deserve some recognition." He glances up from the cooking meat, "In my opinion, of course."

Taehyung munches on a mouthful of rice, aware that Jeongguk and Yoongi would probably get along weeks before they even met.

"That's so cool," Jeongguk gasps, dipping some pork in a sauce container. "What time is it on?"

"10 PM every wednesday, lasts two hours."

Jeongguk nods vividly, "I'll be sure to tune in next week!"

That night Taehyung doesn't even have the time to lock the door behind him before Jeongguk's kissing his neck and unbuttoning his shirt, making him walk backward into their room.

He giggles, fingers lost in the younger's curls, "Did you have fun?" Jeongguk growls back, sucking on the side of Taehyung's throat. "Guess that's a yes."

Taehyung is naked faster than he thought managable, Jeongguk's hot, damp mouth littering his stomach with kisses.

Soon Jeongguk's fingers find his hole and after that, his tongue joins too, leaving the older whimpering and fisting the sheets. He does everything slowly, whole-heartedly and Taehyung's head is spinning from it all.

It's in those moments, when Jeongguk's fingers are buried somewhere deep within him, that Taehyung cuts himself some slack. Every question clouding his mind is relievingly pushed aside.

There were other times to think about everything that didn't feel as real, as honest, as sharing intimate moments with Jeongguk.

"I'm good," he pants, lying flat on his belly. "No more, please."

His aching erection's been rubbing against the covers, leaking precum, sensitive. Jeongguk lifts his hips with a single hand and the strength of the movement makes Taehyung's cock spill more. If he wanted, Jeongguk could wreck him.

Taehyung follows along, his butt lifted in the air, roaming in large and slow circles,  What are you waiting for "

He hears the other grunt, feels his palms slide down the length of his back until they're spreading his cheeks. The anticipation tortures his insides and every pressure of the head of Jeongguk's cock against his hole makes him want to scream.

"Guk," he cries out, pushing back against him. "please."

It was just two words but he feels breathless, panting into the curve of his right elbow, eyes searching for Jeongguk's gaze.

Finally, he thinks, Jeongguk thrusts into him until he's balls deep. Taehyung feels so fulfilled that tears leave the corner of his eyes, rolling down his cheeks. "Oh fuck yes," he gasps.

Jeongguk stays still for a while, running his hands up and down Taehyung's sides. Then he is leaning over Taehyung, his large frame covering him, and lowering his lips to the other's nape, pecking lightly.

"I'm going to move."

Taehyung thinks he slurs some more but he isn't sure, the drag of Jeongguk's cock leaving his mind completely blank, filled solely with white noise. He tries to meet every shove, moaning through gritted teeth as he nails the covers in search of an anchoring point.

It is weird not to be able to see Jeongguk but he can feel him even more that way. The position makes every slide of his fingertips more intense, every exhale in his nape that much more smothering.

The bed starts to creak, the springer stuttering against the white wall, and Taehyung's ears start to ring as he levels himself on his forearms, tilting his head to catch a glimpse of Jeongguk. From that angle all he can see is his side, the muscles in his thighs and lower back working with each thrust.

"Oh god," he wails before Jeongguk kisses him.

His neck hurts but he feeds on Jeongguk's taste as if it was water, something he couldn't quite survive without even if he needed to.

Then Jeongguk moves back again, one of his large hands finding the meat of Taehyung's buttcheek. It takes the older by surprise as he arches his back at the hit, a lewd groan leaving his mouth. 

Jeongguk reiters his action and Taehyung is openly crying, rocking his hips back until Jeongguk's balls bounce against the back of his thighs, "Jeon-" Another slap, "Oh shit-" and another, "Fuck!"

Taehyung has no idea where this came from but he doesn't care, it feels too good, he thinks he might come in the incoming seconds.

When Jeongguk alters the angle of his thrusts it makes his cock pound Taehyung's prostate directly and just like that, Taehyung is gone, leaking onto the covers of the bed. His arms tremble as he moans into his hand, Jeongguk still rocking up into him.

"Babe, god," Jeongguk groans, grabbing a fistful of Taehyung's hair and tugging at it.

The older wails, overwhelmed. There's nothing he can do but wail as he rides out his orgasm.

"So good, you're so good to me."

Taehyung smiles, clenching around him, his own cock bouncing between his legs, half-hard, "Come inside," he begs, "Please come inside."

Jeongguk pulls on his hair again, more violently this time and Taehyung is sure his body is going to be covered in marks. He is suddenly lifted from under his armpits, Jeongguk wrapping an arm around his waist to keep him up and kneeling just like him.

"Taehyung," he utters in between kisses on the skin of his throat. "Taehyung."

The older reaches for Jeongguk's neck and his fingers find the hair at the nape as Jeongguk rams into him. He peeks down at his cock, finds it soiled, drenched in sticky cum, but hard again.

Jeongguk seems to know without Taehyung telling him as he uses his free hand to jerk it along to his thrusts, "I'm going to fill you up," he states, low and treacherous. "Fill you up real good babe."

Taehyung's thighs are shaking and he would've fallen back down on all fours if it wasn't for Jeongguk's arm around him.

"Don't-" he cries, pushing Jeongguk's hand away, cock still sensitive from his first orgasm.

Jeongguk lets go of his waist and presses him down with the palm of his hand on the middle of his back. His shoves are so fast and rough that Taehyung's practically unable to catch his breath, his lips parted on a silent wail.

"I'm close," Jeongguk groans, grabbing him by the hips.

He pulls him even closer and when he feels him tighten around him he comes, repeating Taehyung's name so many times that it starts to not sound like a word anymore. Still, he keeps thrusting, hitting the older's prostate without fail until he's reaching climax for the second time that night.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god-"

Jeongguk falls on his hands, caging him with his entire body as he tries to calm the errating beating of his heart. Taehyung can feel it pound on his back and for a moment he fears Jeongguk's going to pass out.

He doesn't.

He pulls out slowly with a grunt, cum leaking from Taehyung's hole and onto the length of his thighs, "I'll clean you up."

Taehyung nods as he falls on his stomach, unable to make even the smallest movement.

They meet with Seokjin and Yoongi the next morning, sharing a casual coffee on campus.

"So you're majoring in Economics," Yoongi exhales, his glance dropping to a mark on Jeongguk's neck, "How'd you find it? You like it?"

The weight of his gaze makes the youngest pull on the collar of his shirt, "It's fine I guess. Not what you'd call an entertaining or groundbreaking subject but it's cool."

Yoongi chuckles lightly, lifting his cup of tea to his mouth.

Seokjin unwraps the chocolate that came with his capuccino, "Yoongi would be glad to lend you a hand if you ever needed an internship, isn't that right?"

The other rolls his eyes as he blows on his drink, "Sure."

"I'll give you Yoongi hyung's number," Taehyung states, tapping Jeongguk's forearm. "So the two of you can discuss that further."

Jeongguk nods, licking cream off his lips.

Yoongi pulls out his phone, "Let's just exchange them before we leave."

"They're both really nice," Jeongguk utters, mindlessly scrolling down his facebook feed, "I see why you want to keep them around."

Taehyung smiles, his head rested on the other's stomach, "As if they'd let me go if I wanted to."

Jeongguk slaps his shoulder gently, "You're not fooling anyone, you like them."

"Of course I do."

Silent hangs in the room, sometimes disrupted by Jeongguk's soft humming of a song that's been stuck in his head for a while. There's a light rain falling on Seoul, leaving the windows foggy.

"I think I ate too much pizza."

Taehyung blinks up at Jeongguk, curving an eyebrow, "You'd probably feel better if I moved," he states, shuffling on the mattress until he's facing him. " Idon't look heavy but I am."

Jeongguk laughs at that, tracing the outlines of Taehyung's face with the pads of his fingers, "No you're not."

He smiles calmly and the kind strokes of his fingers lull Taehyung into a sleepy haze.

Spring is Taehyung's favorite time of the year. He enjoys not having to wear a heavy coat everyday and the still fresh weather that comes with it. It isn't too warm nor is it too cold, and the presence of regular rain somehow manages to help him relax.

Jimin drags him to several parties that Jeongguk sometimes attends too, introduces him to some people he is sure he'll never talk to again. That's the thing about Jimin, he's so easy to be around that Taehyung never catches himself worrying about him. He is genuine, always tries to make everyone content and perhaps that's why Taehyung got attached to him in the first place.

"You know, I thought you'd have more pals in here."

Taehyung glares at him from the rim of his glass, "Why? You know I'm not a people's person."

Jimin's eyes narrow as he smiles, "That's who you are pretending to be," he states. "But it doesn't actually disturb you to be with others."

"Meh."

Jimin swallows another shooter, wincing as soon as he's done, "You're scared to lose people, that's why you try to put distance between you and the world." He pats Taehyung's shoulder twice, "But let me tell you buddy, it's not working."

Taehyung sighs, "Whatever."

They come back to Jimin's flat that night, Taehyung squeezed between his friend and the wall.

The following wednesday Jeongguk and Taehyung are listening to Yoongi's broadcast, respectively retyping notes and reading an obligatory book - or at least attempting to.

"This could be your regular radio show if it wasn't for Yoongi-hyung's input," Jeongguk states, chewing at the end of his pen. "Makes it much more interesting."

Taehyung nods, flipping a page, "Sure is."

Jeongguk stares at him from where he's sat at his desk. The fondness in his eyes that had caught Taehyung by surprise when they still didn't know each other very well is there, as constant as ever, and for some reason, it makes Taehyung smile.

"Do you think he takes requests?"

Taehyung shrugs, "If it's from you maybe, who knows." He sees Jeongguk nod in the corner of his vision, "Send a text, he'll probably do it."

' Now the next song is something I'd listen to when I feel like I've lost track of myself. Perfect to help you settle down and think, maybe even do a retrospective on your years. It doesn't exactly have that cheering feel to it but it doesn't even need that, it is wholesome as it is and I think that's what put it on top of my recommendation list this week. '

The song becomes a little bit louder, Yoongi's voice fading and Taehyung takes the time to lower his book to his lap. It is slow but not enough to be considered a ballad, a calm beat carrying an electronic-sounding backtrack. Taehyung thinks he likes it. The singer comes in and everything flows like waves on the shore, effortless and smooth.

"He truly has good taste," Jeongguk notes.

Taehyung hums lightly.

Jeongguk gets up from his chair and stretches his arms above his head, a glimpse of his abdomen showing when his shirt rides up his stomach. He comes to sit next to Taehyung, some ink on his fingers.

"What is it?" Taehyung asks, making room.

Jeongguk's lips find his temple, "Nothing, I'm just done with my notes."

He kisses down Taehyung's cheek and along the length of his jaw.

Taehyung turns his head to join their mouths chastly, bringing a hand up to cup the other's cheek. He wishes he could do that all the time; kiss Jeongguk.

"You're the best."

Jeongguk giggles against his lips, and it is the most beautiful sound he's heard in a while. But then again, most of Jeongguk's little things were his favorite.

Taehyung goes back to Daegu that weekend. His siblings start crying the second they see him and even if he won't tell anyone about it, Taehyung does too.

It feels revigorating to eat his mother's meals and update his dad on his studies, telling him all about how he was still unsure what he'd want to do later. 

On saturday he hangs out at Hoseok's appartment with Yoongi.

"Come on, make an exception for him, he'd be so happy," Taehyung keens, his hands joined in front of him. "Please?"

Yoongi lowers his beer, "Fine. I'll play the song he wants next week."

"Thanks," Taehyung sighs.

Hoseok quirks an eyebrow, "Everything fine with him by the way?"

Taehyung simply nods, spreading his legs in front of him.

"Heard Namjoon found a new flat," Hoseok states, eyeing the bottle in his hand. "Seokjin liked it so they've got it immediately. I think they're moving in next month."

"I didn't know."

Yoongi reaches out to pat the top of Taehyung's head, "I'm sure he's going to call you soon to tell you all about it."

Taehyung walks back to the dorms in the late afternoon on sunday and finds Jimin eating a cupcake at Jeongguk's desk, attentively reading something on his computer.

"Hey, where's Guk?"

Jimin lifts his head and makes the chair roll, "Oh hi! He went out to make some photocopies, he'll be back soon."

"What are you up to?" Taehyung exhales, setting his bag near the foot of his bed. "Working on some essay again?"

The other shakes his head, "No, I'm looking for a job. Been applying to like a thousand offers all afternoon."

Taehyung hums, putting his jacket on the back of his own chair, "I'm sure you'll get one soon. Don't see why not."

"Thanks man."

Jeongguk arrives ten minutes later, arms full of papers, "Tae, you're back already?"

"Yup, you guessed it."

Jeongguk looks up in annoyance, dropping the loads of copies on top of his desk right next to his laptop, "We were about to start a movie, any suggestion?"

Jimin lets out a sound of indignation, "Hey! I thought we agreed on Big Hero 6 already!"

"That's not a bad choice," Taehyung says, patting Jeongguk's waist as he walks by. "I say we watch it."

Jimin leaves around ten, once they've shared two pizzas and watched a second movie together. Taehyung is on Jeongguk's bed, his chin resting in the crook of the younger's neck.

"I told Yoongi about the song thingy, he's on board," Taehyung states, eyes heavy and tired, "Be sure to send him a link or something before wednesday though."

Jeongguk smiles, rubbing a thumb behind Taehyung's ear, back and forth, "Really? Did you chat him into doing it?"

Taehyung nods faintly, sneaking closer to him, "Yeah. I did."

The younger pulls hair back from his forehead and lowers his lips to it. He leaves his mouth there for a while and Taehyung is only seconds away from falling sleep.

"I love you."

Taehyung is sure his heart skipped a couple beats at those three words.

Not that it is surprising at all, he knew they would come out at some point, but now that they've been pronounced, his entire body tenses. Sleep has left his mind entirely. Jeongguk looks at him expectantly and Taehyung's mouth opens on nothing but dead silence.

He promised himself not to be dishonest to Jeongguk, to always tell him the truth and never lure him into believing in impossible things. But he can see in the younger's eyes that his lack of reply weighted a ton. Words seem to float in his head but he isn't sure if he should start talking again. So he pinches his lips together, heartbeat thumping at his temples reducing his thoughts to a big muddle.

Jeongguk lets out a shaky, lengthy breath and it finds aim right in Taehyung's chest,"Are you not going to say anything?"

The frailty, the sheer vulnerability and delicateness in his voice wraps guilt around Taehyung's guts.

"Jeongguk-"

Then Jeongguk is climbing out of bed, muttering intelligible words as he puts a pair of shoes on without tying the laces and throws a jacket on his back.

"W-Wait!"

But Jeongguk doesn't hear - doesn't want to. He grabs his set of keys and runs outside of the dorms and all Taehyung can do is put his pair of sneakers on and follow him.

Taehyung yells out Jeongguk's name until his throat burns and aches. He doesn't know how but his shaking legs carry him long enough for him to catch up on Jeongguk.

He is holding himself up against a tree, his head hanging low as his shoulders heave with the strength and irregularity of his panting, "Leave me alone."

Taehyung retracts the arm he had extended in his direction, "Jeongguk, please listen to me," he begs. "I need you to hear what I have to say."

At that, Jeongguk chuckles, setting a hand on his waist, "So you can speak after all?"

The accusation sits in Taehyung's stomach, spreads to every inch of his body from there.

"Here I thought we had something good," Jeongguk laughs. He turns around to face Taehyung, his eyes filled with tears that refuse to spill. "But it looks like I was alone, it was going only one way all this time."

He pauses, looking up at the starry sky, seeking for contenance.

"You don't love me."

Taehyung he hates it. He hates how he can't even tell Jeongguk that he's wrong.

Jeongguk laughs again, "Out of all people I was sure you'd be the one that'd never hurt me. I trusted you. I thought you- I thought you were different but-" He lowers his chin and wipes his tears with the sleeve of his coat. "All along it was onesided." He coughs and crouches down, hiding his face in his palms. "And I had no fucking clue," he wails. "You're good at pretending Taehyung. So damn good at it, I fucking hate it."

Taehyung takes a step forward and Jeongguk flinches. This simple reaction makes Taehyung want to puke.

He disgusts him.

"Did you have fun? Was it entertaining to watch me fall for you?" Jeongguk barks. "Were you laughing every time I turned my back on you?"

"Jeongguk, it's not like that-"

"Shut up!"

A knot has formed and found home in the back of Taehyung's throat; he feels like he's gagging for air now.

He kneels in front of Jeongguk, slowly captures his wrist in between his long dainty fingers, "Let me take you home. I'll tell you everything then."

"What, you don't want to ridicule me here? Is the place not convenient for you?"

The aggressivity pouring out of him scares Taehyung. But he knows he deserves it so he doesn't say anything back and pulls Jeongguk back on his feet.

Once the door's closed behind them Jeongguk keeps his jacket on, wrapping it further around his chest. He looks so vulnerable. Taehyung loathes it.

"I've been stupid," Jeongguk rolls his eyes but doesn't comment. "This is a conversation we should've had last year, before we even decided to be together, I am aware of it. Everyone's told me it was a bad idea to postpone it."

The other sits on his bed, glaring down at his own feet.

Taehyung shuts his eyes for a moment, inhaling slowly through his nose, "This isn't your fault, it is entirely mine, and I am sorry for keeping this from you. You should've been the first one to know." He stops his stress-induced roaming in the room to crouch in front of Jeongguk. "I was afraid you'd never want me by your side if I told you the truth. It was all me being a coward."

Jeongguk blinks up at him, his eyes puffy and red from crying, "What are you talking about?"

It breaks him to see Jeongguk so miserable because of him; him that had vowed to never let Jeongguk be sad or cry again.

"Guk, I can't fall in love."

An instant of silence seems to strech into minutes of distressing, grim stillness.

Taehyung is staring up at Jeongguk, trying to catch the tiniest hint on how he's feeling. He can practically see the gears turning in his head, knows he is attempting to make sense of what he's been told.

"I - don't understand," he utters, shaking his head vaguely.

The older drags his teeth onto his bottom lip, "I just don't have-" the words linger on his tongue for a moment. He is terrified to finish his sentence, "romantic feelings. I don't experience them."

Jeongguk straightens his posture slightly, eyes glued to Taehyung.

Taehyung inhales a sharp breath, setting his hands on the younger's thighs, "And I would never go out with you to make fun of you, I really wanted to try," he continues. "Then the more time I spent with you the more I wanted to be with you like this, as more than friends."

"So you'll never," Jeongguk calls out, a tad loud. "You'll never love anybody in your entire life?" Taehyung gives a shy nod. "Am I an experiment of yours then?" The sadness in his voice is apparent. "For you to see if you could perhaps one day develop feelings for me?"

"No, no," Taehyung urges, holding the younger's thighs more tightly. "You're more than that Jeongguk, so much more than that to me." He really means it. "Now that I know what it's like to be yours, I can't imagine a day without you by my side."

Jeongguk's mouth falls open as he detaches his eyes from Taehyung. He looks to his left, his hands trembling on top of the covers of his bed. It is hard to believe they were cuddling there half an hour earlier.

Taehyung can feel the thread that he's been constantly balancing on top of wavering dangerously.

"If you want to put a stop to this, to- us," the words hurt as he pronounces them. "I won't blame or hate you for it."

Jeongguk slides his hands down his thighs, the tip of his fingers brushing against Taehyung's. It is such a small, insignificant gesture but it makes Taehyung's heart cave nonetheless.

"You have every right to be mad at me, I've lied to you. And I know-" He needs to pause and collect himself, tears stinging his eyes, "I know you deserve better Jeongguk, someone that can give your love back just the same amount, if not more. And I can't be that someone."

He never wanted to be that someone more than in that instant.

It takes him some time to keep going, "I wish I could give you everything you need but I can't, I can't and it's killing me."

Jeongguk sniffles and Taehyung feels like utter shit for making him so broken.

"And just because I can't feel love doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to imagine you walking away," Taehyung confesses, nails scraping at Jeongguk's jeans. "It's all that's been on my mind Guk, you leaving me without ever looking back at us." He can't stop talking. "But if it's what you have to do to find happiness, I'd have to let you."

The other gently unwraps Taehyung's fingers from his legs, "I-I need time to think."

"Of course. "

"That's a lot to take in all at once Taehyung, I had no idea. I had no idea that you were hiding such a huge thing from me," he states in a defeated tone. "And I can't just tell you that we're going to be okay because I don't know if I'd mean it."

Taehyung closes his eyes, shuts them so tightly that a pain starts spreading through his forehead.

"But the thing is that I am so in love with you that I can't put an end to it either, not yet," Jeongguk cackles. "So please, please, if you ever had respect for me, you have to give me time." 

Taehyung leaves the room again, on his own this time.

He runs like a madman through the campus, lungs flaring and legs cramping. He doesn't even know where he is going, but he cannot stop.

Once he's too exhausted to even walk he falls on top of a wooden bench - ressembling one he's sat on with Jeongguk back when they were still getting to know each other.

"Fuck-"

Tears stream down his cheeks and he doesn't even try to stop them and he stays there, motionless for an entire hour.

With a trembling hand he fetches his phone and scrolls through his contacts, tapping the call button next to Jimin's ID. He needs someone to talk to, perhaps a place to crash in as well. It seems too much of a burden to come back and share Jeongguk's living space that night.

The phone pressed against his hear rings and rings but his friend doesn't pick up. He tries calling three of four more times before he gives up, getting up on his feet.

Alcohol sounds good. Strong alcohol sounds even better.

The convenience store is empty except for him, the artificial lightning assaulting his swollen eyes. He grabs a random flask of amber rum, rapidly pays for it and exits, finding comfort in the darkness that had settled on campus.

Who would've known that being aromantic could bring so much pain to the heart?

Somewhere inside of him he knows it's not entirely his fault, that he cannot decide to suddenly develop feelings. But the reality on how telling Jeongguk earlier would've saved the both of them a lot of trouble comes back to hit him in the face.

He's the worst.

The neck of the bottle barely leaves his mouth as he roams endlessly through the deserted park and he's downed the half of it when he's typing the code to the dorms' building.

Never in the past had he opened the door of his own room so quietly, careful to not disturb his sleeping roommate.

He undresses and slides under his cover with his heart in his throat, unsure if he even wanted to wake up the next morning.

Chapter Text

Six. 

When Taehyung's eyes quirk open, his first reflex is to shut them back tightly. A ray of sunlight peeks through the half opened window of the room, bathing the space in warmth but the headache he's suffering from doesn't appreciate the treatment.

It is a monday and Taehyung has probably missed most of his classes already. Deep inside he wants to care about that, but he can't even bring himself to do so.

Lazily, he rolls on his side and unplugs his phone from its charger, notices it is more than half past three in the afternoon. He could still make it to his last lecture of the day - International Public Law - if he wanted to. After a few moments, his eyes catch the number of missed calls he's gotten during the night, assumes it has to be Jimin. He types a short reassuring text to him, lays his head back down on his pillow.

He feels like utter shit and he thinks he deserves it.

Around noon his stomach reminds its existence but the simple thought of food makes him nauseous.

Jeongguk walks back from class in the late afternoon, several duplicated copies in hand. He finds Taehyung curled up in a foetal position on top of his covers, a thin layer of sweat covering both his arms and calves.

"Hyung?"

The older groans, covering his face with his pillow.

Jeongguk exhales softly, walking towards the side of his bed, "Taehyung, wake up."

"I am awake."

"Have you eaten at all today?"

The concern in his voice laces guilt around Taehyung's guts, "No. I have not."

Honestly, he wants him to go away and leave him alone. He doesn't feel ready to look him in the eye, not yet.

"Well you should," Jeongguk states. "It's almost eight, that can't be healthy."

Taehyung pulls the sheets over his legs, "Thanks for the concern," he utters, voice faint and distant. "But I'll pass."

Later that night Taehyung is forced out the comfort of his bed, his stomachache from the previous day now more concise. He's tried postponing it but eventually he needs to make a run for the bathrooms, his shorts halfway up his thighs.

He doesn't even think about closing the stall behind him as he lunges forward and regurgitates all the rum he's consumed the previous night. It leaves a horrendous burn in his throat but still there is some relief in finally releasing everything.

Tears burst out the corner of his eyes as he pukes his bile out, his hands griping onto the cold porcelain as he falls on his knees.

"Hey, hey there-"

He knows it is Jeongguk. And if it wasn't for his voice, the warmth and familiarity of his hand on his back would've given him away.

"It's okay, let it all out," he whispers as he crouches next to him. "You'll feel better soon." 

Taehyung highly doubts it.

Jeongguk stays with him, rubs his large palm all the way up to his neck and down to the bottom of his spine; patiently, reverently. It seems kinda misplaced for him to be the one looking after Taehyung, but Taehyung doesn't voice it.

"I'm so sorry," he says instead, his cheek flushed against the side of the basin. "For putting you through this. I'm sorry Jeongguk."

The younger's thumb grazes at the discreet curve of his hip, "For now worry about your own self."

Taehyung's laughter rises in the bathroom, dark and somber, "You don't understand, I was being stupid. I wanted to make you happy but it turns out that I ruined everything."

He sobs but it is like he has no more tears to shed. It is all an overwhelming mix of exhaustion, being hungover and the sheer terror of losing Jeongguk.

Because Taehyung isn't stupid.

"I've messed it up real bad uh?" He swallows some saliva and it leaves his throat even more hoarse than before.

Jeongguk doesn't say anything as he makes the toilet paper roll and shreds several pieces from it.

Taehyung coughs and Jeongguk's hands come to grab his waist as if to steady him, "Why are you still so nice to me?"

The younger uses the paper to dab at Taehyung's puffy face, to clean his chin and wipe the sweat on his forehead gently, "It doesn't matter." He throws the soiled pieces of paper down the basin and flushes the toilet.

Taehyung's will to argue seems to drown along with it, dragged by the water right into the pipes.

"You need to rest," Jeongguk states. "Let's go back to our room."

The first thing Taehyung sees when he wakes up is a glass of water on his nightstand, filled to the rim with two pills on the side. He doesn't recall how he got in bed or when he changed into proper pajama pants but he guesses it was Jeongguk's doing.

Sitting up, he takes the pills in the palm of his hand and swallows them down with the water, his mind inevitably going back to their first party together all over again.

Once again, he feels too weak to attend classes and decides to give a call to the campus' doctor for an appointment in the early afternoon.

From: Chim²
im coming during lunch break dont u dare bail on me

He can't even refuse because he does need to talk to someone. And Jimin was more than worthy of his trust.

So Jimin comes over around half past twelve and Taehyung tells everything, spills every detail he's caught from Jeongguk's body language.

By the time he is done, his friend has completely given up on eating his cheese and ham panini, "I don't really know what to say," he admits. "Are you going to be alright?"

Taehyung tries to give a smile but it is like his facial muscles couldn't obey, "I don't know."

"My door's always open if you ever need to, you know," Jimin utters, reaching for his shoulder, "be away from things for a while."

"Thanks, I appreciate it."

The doctor gives Taehyung two entire days of rest and writes an explanatory letter as to why he couldn't attend lectures in his state. He also prescribes him medecine - including herbal pills that helped reducing anxiety and sleeping disorders - and reminds Taehyung how it was necessary for him to eat rich meals.

Taehyung barely leaves his bed, curled up in a ball with his pillow pressed against his front for the next days.

Still Jeongguk forces him to eat three meals a day, to shower and walk around every once in a while so his limbs wouldn't become numb. He nurses him back to health with diligence and authority simultaneously.

"You don't need to do all that," Taehyung exhales, a migraine pounding unforgivingly at the right side of his skull. "I can take care of myself."

The younger shoots him a quick glance and all Taehyung can do is avoid it as best he can, still crushed under the weight of his guilt. It shouldn't be like that, he should thank Jeongguk if anything. But thanking him would also mean that he's taking his attentions for granted and that was a thing Taehyung didn't want.

Jeongguk's face breaks into a lopsided smile, the kind that makes anyone's inside curl because of how frail it looks, "Let me, please," he utters, veins apparent along the arm that's propped on Taehyung's bed. "Just this once."

There's not much Taehyung can refuse him.

Taehyung is back in amphitheaters faster than he saw it coming, behind in most of his classes just by missing four days of lectures.

It takes many hours in the library, stuck in between a pile of books and another of Jimin's notes, for him to catch up. Not that he really minds, he would gladly take anything that'd keep his mind off Jeongguk, off what was still to happen.

And he hates to be cliché but there aren't a million possibilities ahead; only a small number of two and the odds staring him right in the eye.

As much as he is generally known for being studious and rigorous in his learning method, Taehyung's grades drop drastically. Only a couple reports that don't quite match his usual pattern are enough to grab several of his teachers' attention.

Perhaps they noticed how often he tends to zone out during lectures, staring outside the huge bay windows with his gaze fixed on something only him could see. Or maybe it was how he suddenly stopped participating regularly and started showing up late.

His Labor Law PA ends up keeping him after one class after he's handed him an unexpected forty percent on an essay.

"Has anything happened recently that could explain your latest results?" the man asks, brows furrowed. "Because if there is, the whole teaching corps is willing to listen."

Taehyung shifts his balance from one foot to another, his hands fisted in his pants' pockets, "It is only temporary, I promise this won't last," he says, eyes on the white tiled floor. "I just have- a lot on my mind, that's all."

His teacher gives him a condecedent smile, "Well if you need anyone to talk to, anyone that doesn't have ties to the core of your problems, the university staff has an attentive ear to lend."

The student nods once, very faintly.

"I'm going to give you the campus' psychologist's number just in case, okay?" the older man asks, rummaging through his briefcase. "Don't hesitate to give them a call."

He hands a small rectangular card to Taehyung, one with the doctor's name, his number, email address and nothing more on it. It looked as sad as it sounded.

"There is no shame in seeking help or being in need of any," his teachers points, crossing his arms over his chest. "Don't ever hesitate is what I'm basically saying."

"Thank you, I'll think about it."

And so he does, wondering if he was mentally disposed to confront his own mistakes - the ones that kept him rolling under his sheets at nights and disturbed his daily schedules.

The fact that whoever was behind the name of that uninviting card was a stranger to him sounds both appealing and unnerving. Because how could he tell things to that person he knew nothing about when it had taken so much courage and time to do so with his closest friends?

When the weekend comes around, Taehyung hasn't caught up with his normal routine, still not quite able to stomach a full course meal yet or spend an entire night in Morpheus' arms. And yes, it all starts to show off on his body but there's nothing he can do other than wait and hope for things to get back on track at once.

Thankfully, Jimin is there to cheer him up.

His friend always finds a way to somehow take his mind off his preoccupations, be it by inviting him over to his room to play video games or simply by chatting him into a totally different subject.

"You were right Chim."

"About what exactly?"

Taehyung heaves a sigh, lowering his phone, "You said I wasn't really a loner, that it was all an excuse because I was scared by the mere idea of losing people." he glares at the other, "That was true."

Jimin chuckles, "I know."

"And look where I am now," Taehyung utters. "I gave it a shot and I was a total douche."

His friend gets up from his chair, comes right next to him and settles a hand on his shoulder, "You weren't a douche, Tae."

"I hid something from him."

"That doesn't make you a bad person. Look, none of us could imagine what you've gone through, we have no idea what it's like to be like you."

Taehyung shrugs vaguely.

"You never lied to him," Jimin continues. "And not everyone in a relationship can say the same."

It is child's play to avoid Jeongguk by staying at Jimin's place and it is all because Taehyung isn't ready to face Jeongguk's answer. He knows the first year has probably done a lot of thinking on his own and how it meant he'd eventually get to hear his decision.

But Taehyung's belongings are all gathered in the room they share, back in the dorm next to the library. So he returns there, anxiety leaving his fingertips slightly buzzing, and finds Jeongguk on his laptop with headphones on.

"Hey." Jeongguk doesn't hear him, still typing what could be an essay, so Taehyung takes a couple steps in his direction, "Hey?"

Jeongguk lowers his headphones around his neck, "Oh, hi."

"I'm sorry for... not being there."

"It's fine," Jeongguk says, "You gave me the space I needed from you. It's okay, really."

Truthfully, Taehyung had needed it as well.

He stays there three nights in a row. And he'd be lying if he said that his heart didn't jump in his chest whenever Jeongguk called out his name. Only a couples days away from him and he had seemingly forgotten how to behave around him.

"I'd understand if you wanted to go to back to Jimin's. There's no problem with me."

Taehyung frowns, "Why would I do that? I have my own place."

"Hyung, you're clearly uncomfortable and tense here," Jeongguk deadpans. "I can see it, I know you."

"Whether I'm here or at Jimin's doesn't change anything. I'll think about you anyway."

Jeongguk stays quiet after that, lost in thoughts, and Taehyung doesn't dare disturb him.

"I think we have to talk," he finally says after a minute or two. "Postponing it isn't going to make things easier, so let's talk. "

Taehyung swallows with difficulty, a knot stuck in his throat, "Sure."

Jeongguk closes his financial book and puts it back on its shelf. He stays there, facing the wall for a moment before he pivots on his heels and comes to sit across Taehyung.

"There really is no nice way to put it, no matter how badly I wish there was," Jeongguk utters, head hanging low. It is at that exact moment that Taehyung feels the thread he's been balancing on completely give in under him. Jeongguk inhales sharply, "I'm sorry but I just can't- I can't do this."

He gestures to the gap in between them and the words cut Taehyung like broken shards of glass would on thin skin. They sink and sink until Taehyung's head begins to swirl torturously; so much that he is incapable of even replying something - anything - to make Jeongguk stay.

"Maybe we're too young, maybe it's just a question of timing but I've thought and thought about it and I can't-" Jeongguk needs to stop and gather himself, fingers gripping at his own jeans. "I'm sorry Taehyung."

Taehyung nods stupidly. It hurts.

Jeongguk finally detaches his eyes from his lap to look at him, "You've been such an important part of my life, you still are, and I don't want you to think that I hate you. Because I don't, I could never. Not because of this."

It hurts. Taehyung isn't sure where, but it hurts.

"I wish I was strong enough for us. I really wish I was," Jeongguk says, his voice now softer, "I did love you so much Taehyung, I still do and-"

He sobs and Taehyung wants to cross the couple feet that separate them, to launch himself into his arms and hug him. But he is sure it just isn't his place to do that sort of things anymore.

"This is so hard for me, you have no idea," Jeongguk cries. "Because there's this part of me that's telling me I'm throwing something good away, that I shouldn't let you go, and it's driving me crazy. And maybe breaking up with you will turn out to be the biggest mistake I ever make but I have to do it, I need to."

Taehyung's eyes are tightly shut when he speaks, "I understand."

The worst thing about it is that he truly does.

"I'm sorry."

"There is nothing you need to apologize for."

Taehyung left after that, he had left and walked aimlessly until the sky turned a dark blue shade. And he only needed a single call for Jimin to come pick him up.

The following week is tough. It seems to stretch and elongate to no end, the nights too short and the days too long.

Taehyung hasn't stopped by his room even once, juggling between the three or four outfits he had left at Jimin's place, not even bothering ato retrieve some books he clearly needed to complete essays correctly. Jimin does tell him he should get back there, that there was a chance Jeongguk would be in class or out with friends, but Taehyung never goes.

He stays on the small mattress he had borrowed from the dean, plugs his earphones in and lies there, completely still for hours.

"Are you sure you don't want some rice?" Jimin asks as he comes back from the kitchen with his diner. "I brought a bowl for you."

Taehyung groans, turning the volume up, "I'm not hungry."

His friend feels helpless, "You weren't this noon either. Can you please take a few bites?" The other rolls on his side, gaze fixed on the wall. "If you don't do it for yourself, please do it for me."

The thing about college is that the more you postpone studying, the more studying you have to actually do - in less ideal conditions and with less time. Taehyung has learned the hard way, pulling all nighters just to keep up with regular homework and lectures.

He tries to force himself, to spend hours in the library solely focused on his notes but his mind often drifts away.

The subject he had picked - international law - wasn't one that required any of his own input or imagination which sadly didn't make it as interesting as it could be. It revolved around books that had been written and edited decades earlier. Hence how tough it was for him to ever drown himself into work and fill his brain with knowledge.

But if there is one portion of his days he appreciates, it is when he's in the lawyer's office answering only a handful of phonecalls and meeting one or two clients. The routine of it is comforting when he feels like everything else around him had shifted, so he holds onto it. He enjoys the plurality of cases he's introduced to, the eventual tutoring sessions with his boss too.

He even starts preparing his final report, the one that'd conclude his diploma positively or not. It entertains him for nights to insert videos, graphs or whatever furthered his point.

Taehyung puts so much of his time and attention into his education that he unwillingly skips meals again, not even disturbed by his stomach rumbling. Seemed like his body had gotten used to the small portions of food he had consumed in the past weeks. Inevitably, the repercussions were beginning to physically show; slimmed cheeks, unexisting baby belly, ribs showing when he stretched.

It isn't his intention to lose weight but it happens nonetheless.

Taehyung finds himself in line for lunch only a couple students behind Jeongguk. He only needs to see the back of his silhouette to recognize him and suddenly the salad he thought he'd eat doesn't sound as appealing as it did ten minutes earlier.

He runs into him a couple more times in the laundry room, in corridors in between classes or catches a glimpse of him with Yugyeom in the park. It shouldn't be surprising or anything, they still went to the same university, but every time Jeongguk is here Taehyung remembers how they had fallen apart.

Taehyung had decided he should perhaps spend some hours in the room he paid for at least one night a week, even if it meant having to face the first year. He had hugged Jimin goodnight at the foot of the dorms - he had insisted on walking him there - and climbed the stairs slower than he ever did.

He was getting ready to have a quiet evening in under the comfort and warmth of his blanket, was just about to start a movie when two knocks on his door forced him to get up.

It couldn't be Jeongguk since he had assured he would be at party until early in the morning, so Taehyung isn't quite sure who to expect.

He turns the handle and his jaw falls slack for a moment.

"Hey, I know I said I'd always give you a heads up before I showed up but here I am anyway."

Seokjin doesn't even wait for his answer before he pulls him into a tight hug, his large frame engulfing Taehyung's frailer one.

Taehyung instantly melts into it, his cheek resting against his hyung's broad shoulders as his arms go limp at his sides. It felt like a hundred days had passed since his last real physical contact with anyone and honestly, he had missed it a lot.

"Did you already have diner?" Seokjin asks, not letting go. "We could go out in town if you wanted to."

Taehyung has insisted on how he wasn't feeling hungry whatsoever but his hyung wouldn't take no for an answer, grabbing him by the wrists and taking him out of campus. It is windy and his scarf does close to nothing to shelter him from the icy blows, Seokjin leading him through some dim lighted streets of Seoul in search for the perfect place to eat in.

Turns out that they just stop by a couple shops to buy barbecued meat on sticks and some dumplings.

"So, how have you been lately?" Seokjin asks, sitting on a bench in a secluded park. "I barely hear anything from you these days."

Taehyung glances at the piece of beef in his hand, "These haven't been my best weeks. Far from the easiest ones either."

His hyung hums lightly as he chews, the tip of his fingers turning a light pink color under the unforgiving bite of the cold.

"Jeongguk and I- We -" Taehyung stutters. He takes a sharp breath before he can continue, "We broke up."

"Did you?"

He doesn't even sound surprised.

Taehyung nods, feeling as if a vice was clutching at his lungs. Time didn't help accepting it, and saying it out loud only made it feel more real.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Seokjin sighs. "What happened?"

The younger shivers as he takes his first bite, "He said I love you and... I couldn't say it back. As expected." His eyes hover to a random pigeon visibly interested in their food. "I made him cry, it was the worst."

Seokjin stays quiet for a moment, throwing sheds of one of his dumplings to the bird.

"How did you know when to show up?" Taehyung utters, lifting a hand to cover his face.

The two days Seokjin stays on campus are calm and peaceful. The hyung forces Taehyung outside of his room, pampers him in any possible way without restraint and helps him with his notes and essays.

It feels good to have him back and Taehyung secretly wishes he could stay, take Jeongguk's spot so things could be like they used to be. But it isn't realistic and only pains him more to imagine it.

"You've lost weight," Seokjin says, eyebrows furrowed. "That isn't good."

"I'll gain it back eventually."

His hyung rolls his eyes, a fuming cup of tea in hands, "Listen, there is no point in denying what happened Tae. But the past is the past and you cannot live in it."

The younger vaguely shrugs.

"You have to look forward, to do something with the time you still have influence on."

His advice sounds redundant. Everyone knows that it is in fact the best thing to do. Still, it is complicated not to look back at his mistake, at his loss, when it is legitimately one of the only things that occupy his thoughts.

"This is going to sound harsh but if you keep pitying yourself like that nothing good's going to come out of it," Seokjin states bluntly. "If you really do care about Jeongguk, which I know for sure you do, you need to move on."

It did sound harsh, but Taehyung had craved genuine words ever since Jeongguk an he had fought and yelled at each other in the park. He had been yeaning for anybody to shake him out of his vegetative-like state, to pull him out of his own head. And his hyung had done it with only a couple sentences.

Seokjin takes a sip of his tea, "I have no idea how hard this is for you, nobody has, but I can promise you that talking about it can help as well," he says. "Not necessarily to me, anyone you trust will do."

Taehyung nods, "It's still pretty fresh," he utters. "So I'd rather not share yet. I think I need to give it a little more time."

"Just don't wait too long."

Seokjin leaves on sunday, swearing that he'd call and facetime Taehyung more often. The void he creates as he packs his bag and walks out the door is soon filled by Jeongguk.

And Taehyung had decided that avoiding him like the plague wasn't the most adult, mature way to handle things. After all, he still very much wanted the first year to be part of his life - as a friend or as something else - and wouldn't let that fail because of his own temper.

It isn't exactly nice or easy in the beginning.

Jeongguk leaves early in the morning to have breakfast with some friends while Taehyung eats up some hot chocolate and butters one or two toasts, Jeongguk eats lunch in the cafeteria while Taehyung eats with Jimin in the park and so on.

Taehyung starts to feel like he's been trapped in a game of car and mouse, unsure which role he played in the story.

The exams are drawing near and Taehyung had declared that being dumped wasn't good enough of a reason for him to retake his last year. With the help of Jimin, he crafts neat notes and catches up with obligatory reads.

He doesn't say it but Jimin's presence in itself gives him more motivation.

It is a weird thought - feeling - at first but Taehyung somehow finds solace in every pat he receives on the shoulder, in every smile his friend gives him. They cannot compare or come close to what Jeongguk and he used to share, but they're more than appreciated.

In a matter of a dozen days, Taehyung even follows Jimin to some parties and get togethers - not all of them but still.

Taehyung's been staying over at Jimin's for a whole week when he decides to go back to his own room for the weekend.

He's been out for drinks and it is no later than half past midnight when he finds himself struggling to insert his key in the slot. Now, he's drank a decent amount of cocktails to feel tipsy and dazzed, but not quite enough to not react to whatever's happening in front of his eyes when he finally unlocks the door.

His keys slide from his grasp, dropping loudly at his feet.

Jeongguk's head snaps at him from where's he's lying on his bed, a girl straddling his lap, "H-Hyung? What are you doing here?"

Taehyung cannot articulate a single word.

"I'm sorry," Jeongguk mumbles, helping the girl climb off him.

And then, Taehyung is stomping his way and grabbing him by the collar, pointing a thumb at the brunette standing right next to him, "What is this?"

The girl lets out an offended gasp.

"Why did you have to do this here?" Taehyung spits. "Couldn't you find a place I don't have access to? Literally anywhere but the fucking room we've been sharing for months?"

Jeongguk throws his hands above his head in a defensive manner, "I'm sorry, okay?"

It is weird.

it is weird when Jeongguk quickly apologizes to the girl and leads her outside of the room. It is even weirder when he doesn't immediately start yelling back at Taehyung.

"Why do you care so much?" Jeongguk finally says, "Why? You don't love me so why does it even matter to you?"

Taehyung laughs, "You think it works like that? It doesn't!"

"And how am I supposed to know any of that? You never tell me anything! That's how things are with you, uh? You keep everything to yourself and wonder why people don't just read your goddamn thoughts!"

A shiver runs down the length of Taehyung's spine. He has never seen Jeongguk so upset.

"Fuck you! Fuck you and all of your stupid secrets!"

Taehyung walks into his personal space in the next seconds, blood boiling in his veins, "That's nice coming from you. Looks like you've moved on just fine! How long has it been Jeongguk? Two, three weeks?"

Jeongguk shoves him against the door, so hard that the back of Taehyung's head slams against it, "Moved on? You think I've moved on?"

"What other message am I supposed to get here?" Taehyung yells, "Your tongue was probably shoved down her throat before I walked in!"

"Shut up!"

Taehyung laughs again; at his misplaced anger, at the words they spit at each other, at the entire situation really.

Jeongguk's fist hits the door right next to his head and Taehyung jumps on the spot, suddenly aware of their proximity - unlike any they've had in the past weeks. And Jeongguk is too close, his lips are right in Taehyung's reach, his eyes glued to his, and it is all too much.

He isn't sure who moves first but Jeongguk is kissing him, rough and unforgiving. There's more teeth than anything, bruising and biting at his bottom lip. It isn't how he imagined this to be like, but he had missed Jeongguk too much to let it bother him.

When Jeongguk's thick thigh moves in between his he doesn't even try to fight it, lets it find his groin and moans at the friction.

If he was to regret it in the morning then so be it.

"I fucking hate you," Jeongguk groans, mouth moving south and finding the side of Taehyung's throat. "Hate you so much-"

Taehyung throws his head back, setting his hands on Jeongguk's ass and pulling him impossibly closer.

God, nothing felt this good.

The second Jeongguk starts rolling his hips is the moment Taehyung shoves the remains of inhibition he still held aside, his back sliding down the door as the younger ruts against him desperately.

As thrilling as it feels, Taehyung can't help but think that if he hadn't decided to come back for the weekend it wouldn't be him sliding his palms down Jeongguk's back but that random girl's.

Jeongguk shoves his pants down with one hand, immediately doing the same with Taehyung's. He pants for a moment, his forehead  resting against Taehyung's, "This isn't a good idea..."

Taehyung leans in, his nose brushing against Jeongguk's before he captures his mouth.

Then Jeongguk is grabbing both of their cocks and jerking them off, his thigh firmly placed in between Taehyung's, keeping his legs spread wide.

And Taehyung forgets.

He dives into the exchange and his head swirls when Jeongguk thumbs at his slit, spreading precum and rolling his palm on top of the two purplish heads. It is hot in the room, Jeongguk's moves are rushed but Taehyung doesn't care as long as he doesn't stop touching him.

This definitely wasn't a good idea but Jeongguk's mouth is kneading at his neck, breath hot and damp over his skin. And nothing else matters.

Jeongguk's pulls a long, almost sharp stroke and Taehyung whimpers, his hand ghosting down the younger's stomach. He feels the muscles contract at his touch and finally grabs Jeongguk's cock to tug at it.

"Faster," Jeongguk utters urgently.

Maybe he needed to get it over with before he'd start thinking about the consequences just as much as Taehyung did.

The angle isn't ideal and Taehyung's wrists starts hurting after only a couple twists of it. But that doesn't make him reconsider for a second - his eagerness overbalancing any sort of pain he could experience.

He doesn't know if it is because of the original argument or just because he hasn't felt Jeongguk's touch in a month but Taehyung already feels his balls tense. The pressure and familiar boiling of heat pooling at the bottom of his stomach growing more weighty with each thrust of his own hips.

It isn't long until he comes, fast and hard over their hands.

Dread instantly settles cold and vile in his vein. And the hand that is still tugging at Jeongguk's cock suddenly feels soiled and inappropriately placed.

Jeongguk teeths at his mouth, licks into the warmth of it, tongue flat against Taehyung's as he thrusts into the tight circle of his fingers. It doesn't take him more than a couple shoves until he reaches his own climax, spilling curses on the other's tongue.

"You-" Taehyung exhales, lifting his hands to Jeongguk's shoulders, "You should go ahead and shower first."

It is close to two in the morning when Taehyung comes back from the bathrooms, having stayed under the warm water until his fingers had started creasing at the tips. His hair is still dripping wet, his skin not dryed off perfectly but exhaustion lead him directly to his bed without any further deviation.

He lies on his mattress, eyes shut and limbs streched. And all he can hear is Jeongguk's muffled sobbing from across the room.

The sounds seems to become louder with every passing second; as if Jeongguk had been standing right by his side, lying next to him.

"Guk?"

He gets no response except for a discreet sniffing.

His limbs refuse to obey as he stays motionless for a while, heartbeat pounding at his temples. Seconds pass but Taehyung still cannot move. That is until a rush of adrenalyne curses through his system. He pushes the covers down his legs and sits up, slightly lighteaded by the sudden movement. Then he is quietly pacing towards the other's bed, watching him for a moment as he stands there.

The younger has curled up on his left side and faced the wall, his nose buried in his pillow.

It doesn't take more than this for him to lift the sheets and sneak behind him, his hands naturally coming to circle Jeongguk's waist and settle on the flat of his stomach.

Jeongguk flinches at the sudden touch, his cries muted for a beat or two before he laces his fingers with Taehyung's, "Thank you."

Taehyung molds his front to his back, nuzzling at his nape gently, "I'm not going anywhere, it's okay. You're okay."

They lay right there, unmovingly sharing the warmth of Jeongguk's covers until the sun begins its usual rise in the morning sky of Seoul. And Taehyung doesn't go back to his bed until Jeongguk's snoring comes to replace the torturous sound of his wails.

The next breakfast is spent in complete silence. It is only disturbed by the sound of Jeongguk's munching on a blueberry muffin or the twirl of a spoon in Taehyung's cup of hot cocoa. Nothing but glances and apologetic smiles are exchanged for what resembles the longest half hour in both of the students' lives.

It doesn't get better the next week.

So Taehyung finds refuge at Jimin's dorm once again, bringing a large bag full of clothes and books this time around.

"He talks about you a lot," Jimin sighs as they head to the last Civil Law class they'd ever attend. "Jeongguk that is."

Taehyung lifts his gaze from his own feet, "Really?"

His friend nods, making the stick of his lollipop slide from the left side of his mouth to the right.

"What did he say?"

Jimin peaks at him from the corner of his eye as he pushes the doors of the amphitheater open, "I don't know, he just mentions you often. He probably doesn't mean to but whenever the occasion presents itself, he just does it."

Taehyung isn't sure what to make out of it. Perhaps he found it reassuring, in the sense that he wasn't the only one whom's head was filled with the other. But then again, he realizes it doesn't matter in the end.

"He misses you."

Now that was a thing Taehyung didn't need to hear or know about. He had guessed it was the case, but hearing it from Jimin was different.

He sighs, brushing strands off his forehead, "I miss him too. A lot."

Chapter Text

Seven. 

Jimin and Taehyung remain together during the week leading up to finals. They almost never leave each other's side, going through their common classes' notes together as they lay around in Jimin's room. The week is so full that Taehyung doesn't even have the time to think about anything else - aside from maybe handing his internship's report as fast as possible.

Not once does he get a glimpse of Jeongguk.

And it still feels odd not to be around him since they've shared most of the year thanks to their dorms' administration.

Sometimes, Taehyung would hear about a new tv show and instantly think about how much Jeongguk would love it, he'd order Jeongguk's favorite drink at the coffee place or expect someone to slide in bed next to him due to habit.

Hard to make do without something you've gotten used to.

The end of the year is there, only a handful weeks away if Taehyung didn't need to retake any subject. And with it, the fear that Jeongguk and him would slip out of each other's lives. A thought that Taehyung couldn't quite digest.

He does call his mother, requiring some advise reguarding the next scholar year. Her words do help a lot but he is still unsure in his decision when he hangs up after an almost hour long conversation.

It is tough for him to send his handwritten motivation letters for the courses he wanted to take but once he's done with them, all that's left is fulfilment. Having figured out what his future would look like does make one less trouble on his busy mind.

So he goes through the last week of revision quite confidently, feeding on junk food and studying with Jimin all days long.

"I think I'm going to stay here as well," Jimin says as he waits for his rameyon to cool down. "Well, if they accept me."

Taehyung lets out a sigh of relief at these words, "Really? That's amazing!"

He might sound too grateful but he really is.

From: Jin-hyung
good luck on your exams!

The simple message makes Taehyung smile before he turns off his phone, sat at his table ready to receive the first subject of his finals. It is a hard time to go through, but by the time every student has handed their last copy, the global atmosphere on campus lifts.

There are parties organized practically every night and Taehyung does attend a couple of them, swallowing more shots in a matter of days than he had throughout the entire semester.

Jeongguk is sat cross-legged on his bed when Taehyung goes back to his room after more than two weeks away.

"Hey," Taehyung utters, taking his cardigan off his shoulders. "How'd you do?"

"Fine. You?"

"I think I'll pass."

Taehyung isn't quite sure what to say next so he stays quiet and fills their laundry basket with the clothes he's taken with him to Jimin's dorm. It is really uncomfortable, how neither of them seems to be confident enough to start a formal conversation like they used to.

"Do you know... What you're going to do next year?"

Taehyung remembers the last time Jeongguk questioned him on that subject, in the bathrooms. He also remembers what had followed and a knot forms in the back of his throat at the thought.

"You won't have to worry about a new roommate."

Jeongguk's eyes widen at the realization, "Oh."

Taehyung simply nods.

He wasn't sure what he had expected Jeongguk's reaction to be. It had been roaming in his head for a while, but it was nothing like reality.

"I'm relieved actually."

"You are?"

Jeongguk giggles, "We lived together for eight months and I think I can add a couple more to the counter."

Taehyung and all other university students wait for the exams' results, each in their own way. Jeongguk does attend a lot of choir practices, the concert drawing near while Taehyung facetimes Seokjin every single day for reassurance. It was nice to have a friend that had gone through the same thing and succeeded.

During the short two weeks until the feared date, Taehyung goes out of his former habits to try and spend more time with Jeongguk. They're not back to their usual friendship, there are still blanks reeking of awkwardness, but Taehyung cannot undermine the progress in it.

And after all, he should be satisfied with that only, he whom couldn't feel love.

It was still tricky for him to really grasp why he wanted their non-platonic dynamic back. But perhaps he had gotten used to Jeongguk's presence in that way.

Jeongguk validates his semester while Taehyung graduates.

Taehyung even makes it to the fifty best students of his promotion, therefore receiving an honorable mention on his diploma. And he would've done even better if he hadn't lacked in the previous months.

To have that singular piece of paper in his hands really is something else. He could go out and seek a real job with it - unlike all the part-times ones he got until then. The implications are scary but for three years of hard work, a couple lines printed in black ink appeared quite frustrating as well.

The night before he flies back to Daegu, Taehyung attends the choir's concert with Jimin. They sit in the front row and sing along to some popular songs that are performed.

Throughout the hour and a half, Jeongguk is all Taehyung looks at. He is wearing the same tight black jeans and white shirt as the rest of the choir members do, but he still catches his eye. He always did.

"You were great," Taehyung says, patting the top of Jeongguk's head. "I'm glad they gave you a solo."

The younger giggles, his head dipping as he switches his weight from one foot to another. He mumbles some thanks under his breath but Taehyung doesn't catch a word.

"I'm leaving tomorrow at 8."

Jeongguk looks up, eyes wide and attentive, "Oh, already?"

Taehyung nods once, not sure what his next move should be.

"Have a good vacation then I guess," Jeongguk says, a lopsided smile extending on his mouth. "And text me when you get there?"

"If you want me to, I will."

There is a raw tension hanging in the air surrounding them and Taehyung thinks he might suffocate on it. He is about to turn on his heels and find Jimin when Jeongguk grabs him by the wrist and locks him in a tight hug.

It had been a while.

His hand comes to rest on the nape of Jeongguk's neck, "Hey there, I'll be back before you notice I was even gone."

Jeongguk laughs in his shirt, fingers gripping the soft fabric of his cardigan, "I know, shut up."

Taehyung isn't sure how long they hold each other but when Jeongguk lets go he has the terrible urge to pull him back in still, "See you in september."

"See you in september," Jeongguk repeats.

Taehyung's entire family is at the airport when his plane lands. The second he catches a glimpse of his youngest sibling's crying face running towards him is when he drops his suitcases behind him and starts running as well.

He walks with his sister glued to his left arm until they're all buckled up in the family car.

It only takes minutes staring at the scenery through the vehicle's window for him to feel at home again.

The reunion with Hoseok is way more dramatic than it needs to be but Taehyung is glad to have him back so he ruffles his hair right back.

Yoongi isn't as demonstrative as Hoseok, he brings him into a side hug and pats his back muttering how happy he was to see him. Taehyung cannot help but drag him in a proper hug at that. He's always known his hyung wasn't fond of over-the-top emotional gestures but he had spend enough years in his company to know he meant every word he said in these rare occasions.

Taehyung's parents had assured him it wasn't necessary for him to take a part-time job but Taehyung had insisted on working with his friends at the same old grocery store. It had almost become a ritual over the years, the three of them working shifts there in the summer. And him graduating couldn't alter that tradition.

The job isn't too tiring and going through it with two of his closest friends made it lighter, even entertaining when no more costumers came in around the closing hours.

The first two weeks in Daegu are calm and relaxing.

Jimin texts Taehyung often, checking up on him and telling him all about how the preparations for his trip to Europe were going. It was complicated, but he sounded excited about it, even promised to take a lot of pictures for Taehyung to see.

And Taehyung is with his family whenever he's not at the store during the day and wandering with Hoseok and Yoongi at night. It feels just like every other vacation he spends there and that is a thing he totally wraps himself into. The casual, ordinary aspect of it.

It had been months since he had last felt this calm, both inside and out.

"So, how's that roommate of yours doing?" Yoongi asks as they all sit in a darkened park. "He never sent me that song request."

Taehyung bites his bottom lip. He never told his hyungs he dated Jeongguk. For sure, Seokjin - and Namjoon by proxy - knew and probably delivered the message, but he had never spelled it out to Hoseok or Yoongi.

"He validated his year, which... is nice."

Hoseok laughs. Probably more at the way he's said it than at the sentence in itself.

Yoongi hums vaguely once he's emptied his bottle of beer, "Did he change his major?"

"Nope. Still going for economics."

They don't insist any further and Taehyung realizes that he had never texted Jeongguk about arriving safely in Daegu. Part of him wants to do it now that he's had a couple drinks but the other just tells him he has missed the boat.

Seokjin invites Taehyung over to his new place for a weekend and Taehyung jumps in the first train at the offer. It isn't too long of a ride so he gets there in less than three hours.

The place isn't as crowded as Taehyung had pictured it, only filled with minimal furniture and light touches of decoration. Only the kitchen looks stuffier, utensils hanging from the walls and multiple framed pictures spread on the island separating it from the living room.

Namjoon is the same as ever, warm and always reliable yet still clumsy. His affection for Seokjin hasn't faltered by any means and it makes Taehyung smile from the heart. Seokjin has had some troubles in his dating life, often deceived by his significant others for diverse reasons and for him to finally have found someone to appreciate his worth was a relief.

"You look better than the last time I saw you," Seokjin states as he pours rice in Taehyung's plate. "I'm glad."

Namjoon nods, "I was getting worried too. Seokjin wouldn't stop talking about you. Made me feel like we had a child of our own at some point."

Taehyung chuckles, retrieving his plate, "Yeah, I needed a little kick in the butt and your fiancé was there to deliver."

The diner feels like more like a family gathering more than just three friends hanging out. That's the thing with Namjoon and Seokjin. If you ever were to be let in, it was practically inconceivable to want to back out afterwards. They simply made you feel at ease, as if you maybe lived with them on the daily. They made each experience inclusive and Taehyung had no idea how bad he needed exactly that.

"By the way, Jimin says hello."

Seokjin smiles, "It's great to know you have him back in Seoul, I must admit that hearing about that lifted a weight off my shoulders. He's a really nice guy, and an even better friend."

Taehyung can only agree.

Taehyung wakes up early on saturday, finding Seokjin busy at the stove cooking breakfast.

"Morning." His voice is so hoarse that it comes out as a throaty croak. "Hey," he tries again.

Seokjin lowers his spatula to greet him with a bow of the head, motioning for him to come join him in the kitchen, "Slept well?"

Taehyung hums, salivating at the vision of eggs and bacon sizzling in the pan.

He wants to talk about Jeongguk. But mostly he needs to talk about himself and Seokjin has always known how to see through his bullshit. And he was done hiding behind walls and protecting himself. It probably wouldn't be the nicest conversation they've ever had. Still it felt very necessary.

Taehyung waits for the teas to be brought to the table to speak, "Hyung. Can I ask you something?"

Seokjin looks at him over his glass of orange juice, "Of course, go ahead."

"Why do I want Jeongguk back? I mean, I am certainly not in love with him and I never will be so why do I miss him so much?"

His hyung lets out a choked gasp, "Oh, uh-" Taehyung can't blame him for that reaction. "Are the two of you friends as of today?"

Taehyung doesn't have the answer to that, "I'm not sure. We aknowledge each other when we bump into each other but we don't make plans to meet? It's weird."

"You have to give it to him Tae, you broke up like two months ago. It must be tough on him."

It isn't his intention at all but Taehyung goes back to that girl straddling Jeongguk in their room. To the argument it had started and to what had followed after that.

"I just - want him back you know?"

Seokjin frowns, not in a mean or shocked manner but more in an apologetic way. As if he was in any way responsible for the mess happening in Taehyung's life.

Taehyung sighs, pulling the teabag out of his cup, "Maybe I got used to being with him. To his kisses in the morning and our cuddles at night."

"Not everything deserves an explanation Tae," Seokjin states quietly. "Is there really a need for you to understand why you miss him?"

"Of course there is! This isn't who I am hyung!"

Seokjin stays quiet for a moment, pushing some of his scrambled eggs with his fork. After all he is no psychologist or therapist but a mere friend, he didn't hold all answers for Taehyung to grasp and use as his own.

"Ever since he took your spot everything's changed," Taehyung exhales. "Before him I never cared about displays of affections, valentine's day or anniversaries. He walked in and my life became messier and more nerve-racking than it had ever been."

Seokjin blows on his own beverage, watching the small waves hitting the porcelain edges, "Change doesn't have to be a bad thing."

Taehyung is aware of that. But he wants his old self back nonetheless.

The one that didn't spend hours of his days theorizing and ruminating over someone. The one that only cared about his scholar and professional future and keeping his friends and family close. Not the substitute that Jeon Jeongguk had brought to reality, that oddly self-aware, insecure and indecisive version of himself.

He is soon filled with the realization that only him would ever be able to figure out whether his desire to be with Jeongguk as more than friends was a delusion or something he truly wanted. Or how the idea of them as an item still made a place of his brain hitch furiously - not in a teasing, inviting and curious way but in that irrational and frustrating one.

"How do I move on?"

The older shuts his eyes for a moment after he's lowered his cup to the table, "With patience."

Taehyung rolls his eyes, "Why do I even need to move on hyung? Why can't I take it as an experience and just - get over it?"

"I wouldn't know," Seokjin admits bluntly. "Each person goes through this painful and very tricky part in their own way. Some don't encounter trouble and snatch the pages from their books without an ounce of hesitation while others keep the book and never let go of it. And you're singular Taehyung. Aromantic people like you can end in lasting relationships and never come to regret it. But some do." He pauses long enough for Taehyung to consume half of his drink. "You're the only one that can decide what comes next."

"I'm lost," he breathes out, hiding his face in his hands. "This shouldn't be a thing. Me wanting him back."

Seokjin smiles calmly, reaching across the table to unfold Taehyung's dainty fingers and look him in the eye, "Accept it as a fact. Being angry at it won't help." With a thumb he rubs the back of Taehyung's hand, "Try not being too hard on yourself, once again. It wouldn't lead to anything good, trust me."

Namjoon joins them about twenty minutes later, his hair a brown nest that he vainly attempts to tame.

July is gone faster than Taehyung would've liked. He feels like every clock in the country has been programmed to move faster just for the holidays - which just isn't fair. Only being in Daegu could speed by this way.

He is lying down with his head in Yoongi's lap and his feet on Hoseok's when he receives the first message from Jeongguk since they broke up. At first, he doesn't even want to open it. The nickname looks threatening - as endearing as it does look and sound - and he is unsure if he was even ready to engage in a conversation with him.

From: Gukkie
i miss you

"Who is it?" Yoongi asks, still focused to Howl's Moving Castle playing on the large TV of his living room.

Taehyung angles his wrist so the text isn't visible to anyone else but himself, "Just Jeongguk."

Yoongi curves an eyebrow at that, "Is it? What does he want?"

"Nothing much."

He stares at his screen for a while, his heart beating steadily at his temples. It was no mystery that he missed his junior as well - in more than one sense. But typing it back suddenly seemed like the biggest step forward to take.

Taehyung wasn't good with decisions.

Hoseok wiggles under his feet, stretching his legs in front of him as he pulls the blanket higher over his chest and neck, now covered from head to toe.

To: Gukkie
i miss u too.

He doesn't send it just yet.

Not that these four words could alter the destiny of the universe, far from it. Still they were heavy in meaning.

Howl flies through the door of the castle, disappears into a darkened sky and Taehyung feels as if he was the character himself. All of that because of a text message. Really.

His thumb hits the send button and he immediately positions his phone screen down on his stomach, reaching behind him to place Yoongi's fingers in his hair.

"Hm?" Yoongi grunts. "Can I help you with anything?"

Taehyung isn't a touch-oriented person, not to his hyungs at least, so he can understand Yoongi's response. But he doesn't say anything as he gently presses Yoongi's smaller hand on his scalp, silently asking for physical comfort.

To his biggest surprise, Yoongi complies almost instantly.

Yoongi leaves for his radio show and Taehyung stays at Hoseok's place, although he goes to buy them more beers. They listen to the podcast as they had done since Taehyung arrived to Daegu drinking but not speaking.

It feels empty for some reason.

That is until Yoongi's voice rises after a commercial break, "Before I enter my personal favorites I have a special segment that I've been looking forward to share with you. A listener sent me a request to play tonight, which is a first. I took the time to go through the lyrics and traductions before coming back to you with it."

Hoseok sits up from where he had been lying all evening, sending a questioning glare to Taehyung that is just as clueless.

"This song is called We Don't Talk Anymore and is Performed by Charlie Puth and Selena Gomez." Taehyung thinks his accent is cute when he speaks english. Endearing even. "If you speak the language, you will surely realize how this piece portrays two people that have fallen apart and wish they could change that."

Taehyung shifts his position slightly, reaching for the laptop to add just a tad of volume.

"It was kindly suggested by J.J in Busan," Yoongi adds, and Taehyung can just hear the smile in his voice as he speaks. "Let's listen now."

The lyrics are... something. And Taehyung wished he wasn't good enough in english to understand them as they come.

Of course Jeongguk was behind it, it took no genius to get that, but the choice of song really was peculiar. He could've gone for any korean song talking about break ups but he had settled on something even worse - or better, Taehyung can't make up his mind. How Taehyung tutored Jeongguk in english for most of the year was just an additional layer to his uneasiness, Hoseok's frown only deepening as he watches him reach for another bottle of beer.

"Tae?" he asks, barely moving his lips. "Do- you want me to mute it for a moment? Because I can totally do that."

Taehyung faintly shakes his head, running the rim of the bottle over his bottom lip.

"Should've known your love was a game, now I can't get you out of my brain, oh it's such a shame."

The nail hits the head, and it hits it hard.

Yoongi comes back to Hoseok's appartement with a calm smile on his mouth but it drops instantly when he meets Taehyung's distressed glance.

Taehyung ends up downloading the song - it was catchy in some way, sue him.

He listens to it when he is in his bed back at his parents' house and everyone is long gone into sleep. Sometimes he'd pull his phone out while it played on loop on his laptop and stared at his conversation with Jeongguk, typing some words but always deleting them after mere seconds.

From: Chim²
abt to leave for london, don't text or call you'd ruin your bank account. take care

Taehyung replies a long message saying how he needed to find a cybercafé and send an email if anything happened. Once he's done, he doesn't let go of his phone, We Don't Talk Anymore still playing in his earphones.

To: Gukkie
that was a nice tune. loved it. bought it.

During long minutes he stares at the sent notification, both fearing and anticipating it to turn into a seen one. The hand holding his phone shakes slightly but it puts it on restlessness' account.

When the switch happens and grey dots pop up on screen he almost drops his mobile right onto his face, catches it in between his thumb and index in-extremis.

It takes Jeongguk several tries before he replies.

From: Gukkie
you were listening?

Really underwhelming. But underwhelming was good in that case.

To: Gukkie
ive been for the past month and a half. yoongi hyung's show is top notch.

Jeongguk doesn't answer.

To: Gukkie
we can talk more u know. im okay with it if its okay with u.

The reply comes almost instantly.

From: Gukkie
it is. it really is

 Taehyung suddenly feels ten pounds lighter.

The two of them begin conversing on a daily basis. Nothing spectacular, just tales of their days away from campus but Taehyung enjoys it all.

He smiles at every random anecdote thrown his way and even sends some pictures of him hanging out with Hoseok and Yoongi back.

Taehyung thinks he can totally work with that, Jeongguk and him learning how to be normal friends - something they both genuinely did for a month at most at the beginning of the scholar year. And Jeongguk doesn't feel as distant as he used to since their fall out. So yes, he'd take it.

Namjoon and Seokjin stop by Daegu for an entire week, a trip they had prepared for months with their respective jobs. Their presence only adds to the positivity recently engulfing Taehyung. He was surrounded by the people he loved the most and slowly paving the way towards having Jeongguk back in his life. It almost felt as if nothing could ruin the painting being drawn.

They all gather at Hoseok's flat on friday night, Taehyung and the host only starting their shift in the early afternoon.

Music plays loudly and alcohol is consumed enthusiastically.

It is like the old days, back when Taehyung tasted his first beer, ended up spread on Yoongi's couch and had to be carried to his bedroom by an anything-but-sober Hoseok around one in the morning before a school night.

"Can't believe you're leaving in ten days," Hoseok sighs, still dancing with energy. "It went by so quick!"

Taehyung pouts, wrapping an arm over his friends' shoulders, "Shhh, we don't talk sad things in here. Don't you know it's forbidden?"

"There's a law for that," Seokjin claims, Namjoon's mouth apparently glued to the side of his neck.

Taehyung points at him dramatically and Hoseok laughs, throwing his glass over his head, "I'm sorry, I forgot!"

Much later Taehyung is spralled on Hoseok's armchair, half of the buttons of his shirts undone for some unknown reason.

Namjoon's passed out in the guest room while Hoseok's gone to his own with Yoongi and Seokjin occupies the entirety of the couch, his head laying on the armrest.

Seokjin coughs once, "Hey Tae," he giggles. "Your shift starts in 8 hours!"

"Oh, shut it."

Taehyung growns when his phone vibrates in the back pocket of his pants. It takes a great deal for him to lift his butt off the mellow chair and retrieve it, which makes his hyung cackle drunkenly.

From: Gukkie
hey are u up?

There aren't that many words but it takes Taehyung an embarassingly long amount of time to figure out what they mean arranged that way.

To: Gukkie
hey guk gku. why r u awake at this ungdoly hour?

He can see the typos but doesn't care enough to correct them before hitting the send button.

From: Gukkie
at a party. im staying over and everyones asleep.

Taehyung smiles to himself. He can picture him sitting in a room filled with snoring teenagers, probably curled up on a couch, trying to take as little space as possible.

To: Gukkie
that makes 2 of us.

He gets no reply and forgets his phone, letting it fall by his hip on the armchair.

"Who are you even talking to at five in the damn morning?" Seokjin asks, rolling to lie on his back.

"Guk."

Seokjin lets a quiet "oh" sound out before he rolls over once more, resting his weight on his left side, "He's a cool guy."

"He is," Taehyung laughs. It's not funny, but he is drunk.

"I talked to him back then," Seokjin says, making vague gestures with his right hand. "Told me I should stop by and check up on you if I had the time."

Taehyung's brain comes to a halt. All the badly brewed cocktails he's ingurgited are suddenly gone, replaced with an unsettling clarity of mind.

He straightens on the comforter, bangs falling in his eyes, "W-Was he the one that made you come visit me? When we- you know?" The sentence refuses to finish itself. 

But Seokjin gets it, "Who else do you think?"

Taehyung's limbs feel weirder than they ever had, his body so heavy that even lifting his pinky finger sounds like an actual challenge. This information wouldn't change anything. Still it let warmth spread through his core.

"He was dead worried about you. So he called me and I didn't have the chance to say a single word," Seokjin adds, propping his cheek on top of a pillow. "Even wanted to pay for my plane ticket."

"I should thank him," Taehyung utters. "That truly helped."

His phone vibrates and he clearly feels it. But he doesn't check his new message, he just picks it up and settles it on his lap.

Seokjin frowns, his eyes firmly shut, "You aren't supposed to know."

"Okay," Taehyung sighs. "That's a secret I can keep."

"A really sweet guy that Jeon-dude," Seokjin mutters, on the verge of falling asleep - or passing out, who knows.

From: Gukkie
when do u go back to seoul?

Taehyung blinks at the text, his mouth dry yet furred at the same time.

To: Gukkie
on the 30th in the afternoon. u?

From: Gukkie
oh i come back two days later. the flight was cheaper.

Saying goodbye is the worst.

Taehyung hugs Hoseok for almost ten entire minutes after his hyung had started sobbing uncontrollably, blabbering how he couldn't wait for him to come back and live in Daegu again. Yoongi doesn't tear up but does embrace Taehyung tightly, making him promise he'd keep listening to his podcasts regularly.

As for his family, they are all smiling but Taehyung opts for a short parting session before he'd change his mind and say fuck you to college.

Jimin has already been back on campus for a week when Taehyung arrives. He basically jumps on him in the middle of the park when he sees him lug his suitcases towards his dorm. How they don't both fall is still a mystery to Taehyung.

They stay over at Jimin's for the night and relent in the months they've spent away. Jimin's stories are way more entertaining, backpacking in Europe being more of an exciting tale than two months in Daegu.

"These are for you," Jimin states, handing a box of macarons to Taehyung. "Now, they're from a very famous french brand called Ladurée, I had to wait fourty minutes for two boxes! Can you imagine?"

Taehyung smiles, eyeing the pastel coloured pastries, "Wow, thanks a lot, you didn't have to go through such lengths to get me a gift!"

Jimin pats him on the shoulder, "I wanted to. They're delicious, taste one!"

During the improvised sleepover they consume half of the pastries.

Jimin pulls out his camera to show him all the monuments he's seen while abroad, Taehyung explains how he and Jeongguk had gotten to speak again normally.

"That's good," Jimin says before he takes a bite of a pistachio macaron. "Especially since you're going to share the same room for another year at least."

Taehyung nods, patting his filled stomach lazily, "I wonder how it'll go."

"It'll be alright. Two months have passed, there's water under the bridge now."

Jeongguk arrives in the middle of the afternoon, finding the room empty. The shelves are filled with the same books and photographs, Taehyung's laptop charging on top of his desk. Nothing seemed to have moved aside from it since june.

When Taehyung walks in, it is without a shirt on and a towel around his neck. The vision takes Jeongguk aback for a moment.

"Oh," Taehyung gasps, dashing through their room to fumble through one of his drawers, "Did you just get here?"

Jeongguk nods, "About ten minutes ago."

"I see," Taehyung glances at him once he's put a shirt on, "How does coffee sound?"

They stay at the shop for hours and everything flows naturally. None of the awkward silences or unbearable tension Taehyung had expected occur. Perhaps he could accept it. Being friends with Jeongguk.

Jeongguk states that they didn't need to go back to the dorms for diner. So they walk aimlessly through Seoul that felt like summer and freedom weren't coming to an end yet; a taste of alcohol and warmth still hanging in the air.

"When do your classes start?"

Taehyung blinks tiredly, "Next wednesday. You?"

"Monday at 9:30," Jeongguk sighs. "Way too early."

His arm rests on the back of the bench they're sitting on, the tips of his fingers brushing the exposed skin of Taehyung's shoulder every once in a while. This was what happened constantly before they started dating, the discreet touches and subtle glances.

"I'm glad you texted me last month," Jeongguk admits, tucking his chin against his chest. "I thought about doing it but I couldn't."

When Taehyung clenches his thighs together, Jeongguk's own thigh follows, as if their legs were magnets and metal. It is maddening.

"Truth is I hoped that spending time away from Seoul, from the campus and from our room would help take my mind off you."

Taehyung nibbles on his bottom lip, "Really?" He doesn't even want the answer to that. He just needed to say something.

Jeongguk gives a frail nod, lifting his glance to the few clouds hovering over the city, "But now that we're back here I think that it doesn't even matter anymore. Don't you think so too?"

Taehyung would love to make a statement there but he isn't sure what Jeongguk was on about.

"I spent so many hours of so many days thinking about you that it stopped making sense altogether," Jeongguk says. "All that was left was how I was feeling."

Taehyung swallows, a lump stuck behind his adam apple, "And?"

Jeongguk simply smiles at him and it is nothing like the smiles he'd usually show him. Taehyung feels his chest tighten at the sight. So he breaks their brief eye contact and goes to flatten the wrinkles on his jeans instead.

"And nothing has changed," Jeongguk utters. It is so quiet that Taehyung barely hears it over the sound of his heart beating at his temples. "I still feel the same Tae."

At last that put a finality to the war going on in Taehyung's brain. He could take Jeongguk's words and figure out how to move from there. Do as Seokjin told him and let time do its job. As simple as that.

Jeongguk's cheeks are reddened by the booze he's drank, gaze still fixed on the outlines of Taehyung's profile, "It's not going to be easy you know."

"I know."

They spend the next couple days until classes start hanging out with Jimin and Yugyeom like they did the previous year. There shouldn't be any adjusting to do but Taehyung finds out sooner than later that being friends with someone he's dated could appear to be delicate and thorny.

Most of the time nothing seems different. It is just four friends drinking beers and lazing around in Jimin's room for hours. But when midnight passes and he walks back to his room with Jeongguk, all he can do is shove his hands in the back pockets of his jeans and try to busy his mind.

"A year ago you showed up at my door, looking like some lost puppy," Taehyung says, unable to bite down a grin at the thought. "You looked so terrified."

Jeongguk groans, "I wasn't scared. Just a bit overwhelmed."

"Riiiight," Taehyung teases, cocking an eyebrow.

Jeongguk does chase him after that. Catches him in no time and grabs him by the waist.

"I surrender, please don't hurt me!"

But Jeongguk was having none of it. He shoves him down the grass going the length of the path they were walking on, "You don't stand a chance against me," he laughs.

"You won, I lost," Taehyung sighs.

Jeongguk stares down at him for a moment, his knees on either side of Taehyung's hips. It feels familiar and so damn new at the same time, "I like the sound of that." Taehyung rolls his eyes. "Say it again," Jeongguk orders. "Do it."

"No way."

Then Jeongguk's fingers are moving up Taehyung's ribs, tickling so hard that Taehyung is squirming underneath him. Jeongguk joins in his laughter, sitting completely on his legs.

"Okay!" Taehyung cries out, "Okay, I'll do it! Please just-"

Jeongguk's hands still for a few seconds before he rests them on either side of Taehyung's face, "Say it."

"You won. I lost."

"Damn straight," Jeongguk chants.

Taehyung waits for him to move, to get up and offer him a hand. But Jeongguk is just glaring down at him, lips parted as he lightly pants.

When Jeongguk leans forward, Taehyung lifts a hand to his face, fingers threading through the bangs falling on his forehead, "Let's go. We'll catch a cold."

Taehyung doesn't utter another word from that moment on.

He had never refused Jeongguk anything. That was until that night.

The first weeks of classes are as easy as they get, only composed by introductions to new courses and subjects, long speeches about the different teaching and learning methods for the year.

Taehyung's major in Human Rights was everything he had wished for. It touched a subject that he really took at heart; helping those in needs, as much as he could. The teachers were all very open to discussion about topics that medias didn't dare approaching or deal with with a two feet long pole.

Some of his amphitheatral lessons often turn into massive debates, students exposing their points without being shut down by whoever lectured them. He ends up enjoying them so much that even essays don't feel like a burden anymore.

"Hyung," Jeongguk says from whre he's perched over his desk, "Can you tutor me this year too? In english I mean."

Taehyung pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose, "Uhm, sure."

Jeongguk smiles, flipping the pages of his fiscal manual, "I thought you'd refuse. So I'm glad."

"Why would I?"

"I don't know. Maybe it'd be too weird for you."

Taehyung stretches his legs, stiffness in his joints, "It's not. Do tuesdays work for you?"

"Absolutely."

Taehyung was sure that it was where his and Jeongguk's relationship would stop evolving. That the new scholar year would mark the beginning of their friendship. And it did feel like it for a while.

But things aren't always as uncomplicated and simple as they appear to be

Chapter Text

Eight.

The weather has faded to a chillier, less suffocating one and Taehyung has gone back to carrying a large sweater with him whenever he left for class. Evenings are back to being cold and the bite of the wind is no longer cooling, summer now long forgotten.

They had celebrated Jeongguk's birthday on the low, only gathering with Yugyeom, Jimin and two other of Jeongguk's classmates. Nothing big or spectacular, just a very long night with a lot of booze and music blasting through Jimin's speakers.

Cohabitating with Jeongguk is going smoothly, as if nothing ever occured between them and they had just met - pretending so was better than anything else anyway.

Taehyung does tell Seokjin all about it, in every single detail.

His hyung sounds oddly triumphant on the other hand of the phonecall when he gives him his 'I told you so' and Taehyung can't help but cackle at that.

It takes a couple weeks but eventually they're bringing each other tea at night and breakfast at dawn. They go back to marathoning tv shows and sharing one blanket while doing so. Which feels so natural that Taehyung forgets about their bumpy past. Dwelling on what couldn't be changed was useless anyway.

Jimin and Yugyeom keep them company on saturdays, sometimes even get them to exit the cocoon of their room to hit the streets with a flask or spend the evening in some nightclub.

The first break comes around in the blink of an eye and by that time, Taehyung is happy to call Jeongguk a friend. And it doesn't leave a bitter taste on the back of his mouth has he had anticipated it. On the opposite, he appreciates having him back in that manner, much healthier and way less adaptative on his side.

"I meant it when I said nothing had changed," Jeongguk utters, lying on his bed.

"I know you did. And look at us now," Taehyung says, reaching across to pat Jeongguk's stomach. "Better than ever."

"That's - That's not it, Tae."

Taehyung curves an eyebrow, retrieving his hand as if he had frightened a wild animal or touched really hot metal - slowly and carefully.

Jeongguk heaves a sigh, "My feelings haven't changed," he states. "I still-" he doesn't finish his sentence, leaving it suspended over both of their heads, menacing to drop. "Nevermind, I should probably get ready for choir practice."

He gets up and changes into a pair of black jeans, Taehyung glaring at him with nothing but confusion in mind, "You have those during breaks too?"

"Yes, yes we do, they're optional but I should go," Jeongguk mumbles, putting his second timberland on, "Gyeom must already be on his way, I have to catch up with him."

Jeongguk doesn't come back to the dorms that night and Taehyung wonders if he's said or done anything wrong.

From: Gukkie
im sorry abt yesterday. pls forgive me?

Taehyung smiles at his phone. There was nothing Jeongguk needed to apologize for yet he was still making sure things were fine.

To: Gukkie
only if u buy us pizza for todays movie night.

He locks his phone, greets his teacher with the bow of his head then heads to his table near the window in the small classroom. It is lonely sometimes without Jimin - that has chosen another major - but he has to do with it.

Jeongguk comes home with two large boxes in head, still warm even after the walk from the shop to the campus.

First thing Taehyung does when he enters is throw his bag away and take his hoodie off, muttering a muffled "I'm home" to Jeongguk.

"I'm actually starving," Taehyung exhales, grabbing the top box and opening it, relents of the cheese and bacon smell instantly getting to his nostrils. "Let's eat ?"

They don't talk until the first pizza is entirely eaten and gone, traces of oil the only remains in the carton.

"What was that about? You fleeing yesterday?" Taehyung says nonchalantly, licking some sauce off his right thumb.

The other stays quiet, busying himself by opening the second box. His eyes settle everywhere but on Taehyung that's sitting right across him, "It was nothing."

"I know nothing and that's not what it was," Taehyung states. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

Jeongguk smiles to himself, shaking his head faintly has he pours some hot sauce on a slice, "I know I can."

"Fine. I'll let this one slide."

They watch The Lion King and Taehyung sings along to every single song, his head resting in Jeongguk's lap. Both of them have classes in the morning but they still launch Mulan right after the first movie's ended.

Jeongguk leaves for Busan that friday. And there is a déjà-vu sensation that Taehyung cannot quite escape when Jeongguk leans in for a hug as he sits at his desk.

"I'll see you sunday."

Taehyung blinks up at him, mouth agap, "Y-Yeah."

The grip of Jeongguk's hand on his thigh disappears all of a sudden before he gives it two firm pats, "Don't forget to send your essay tomorrow."

"As if I'd forget that."

Jeongguk's smile is so large that it bares his teeth and gums. He looks much younger like that and Taehyung can only smile right back.

Jeongguk comes back to find Taehyung napping in bed, holding his pillow to his front even while he's curled in a fetal position.

"It's almost eight, you won't get any sleep tonight if you don't get up now."

Taehyung moans, rolling over so he's facing the wall, one of his legs peeking out of the covers, "I will..."

Jeongguk doesn't insist and focuses on unpacking, filling the laundry basket with his clothes.

"Guk?"

"What?"

"Do you also feel like... like we're reliving last year all over again sometimes?"

Jeongguk sits back on his heels, crouched near the door, "Hm... I don't think so?"

Taehyung sighs, stretching his limbs lazily, "You're right. That was a stupid question."

"We know each other much better," Jeongguk says, getting up and retrieving his empty backpack. "So of course it's different."

Yet this scene, just like many others, is a slightly altered memory they made in the past. Jeongguk and him sharing a room, getting close and spending time together, down to the glances. It is all old and new at the same time.

"So why... why is it all so familiar?"

Jeongguk pinches his lips together, "Because in some way, it is."

It might be his imagination but Taehyung notices how Jimin and Jeongguk's time spent together had increased. They would have drinks just the two of them and text each other a lot. Jeongguk would even stay over at his place without ever telling Taehyung beforehand, sometimes not coming back for days.

Taehyung isn't proud to admit that it made him curious.

Not that Jeongguk and Jimin didn't get along but it was odd for them to isolate themselves. Perhaps they had talked during summer break. But then if it was the case Taehyung was positive Jimin would've brought it up.

"You're going out again?"

Jeongguk nods, one arm in the sleeve of his jean jacket, "Going to Jimin's."

Taehyung pouts, "It's the third time this week already," he says. "Are you avoiding me?"

"Of course not," Jeongguk sighs, adjusting the vest on his frame. "I just- I've been talking a lot with him lately."

"And you can't talk with me?" It sounds accusative even when Taehyung doesn't mean it that way.

Jeongguk glares at him, "I can. But I'm doing that with him. For now."

"Is that so..."

Jeongguk reaches across the room to slap the back of Taehyung's head - not strong enough to bruise but just the right amount to startle him - "Don't go and get some weird ideas!"

"That's not my type," Taehyung groans. "Honestly Guk, I thought you knew me better after all this time."

The other just rolls his eyes and settles one strap of his backpack on his right shoulder, "I'll be back tomorrow after classes."

"Okay."

Taehyung does try to catch Jimin in between two lectures but nothing comes out of his friend's mouth other than 'it's none of your business' and 'please let it go already'.

It doesn't go better with Jeongguk.

So Taehyung shrugs it off.

November comes and with it, scarves and thicker coats resurface from the back of every student's closet. The sky looks menacing most days, dark and filled with nothing but grey clouds floating low above campus and a somber rain is almost always there to follow Taehyung to his first morning lectures.

So when Jeongguk suggests a movie night on a particularly cold sunday evening, Taehyung doesn't even think about another option and accepts on the spot. He nests himself against Jeongguk's chest, sat in between his thighs with a blanket wrapped around the two of them. It feels warm and cozy, sodas replaced with hot chocolate and green tea.

"Don't you dare fall asleep on me," Jeongguk says as he hits play.

Taehyung promises that he won't.

But the movie is slow paced and his eyelids weight a ton. He mumbles intelligible things and has light spasms but Jeongguk never shakes him out of his state, lets him doze off.

And Taehyung might imagine it but he swears that he could feel Jeongguk's fingers thread through his hair, a vague and distant touch.

Taehyung's head rests on Jimin's lap, his legs spread in front of him feeling heavier and heavier with each passing second.

Jeongguk was at choir practice and wouldn't come back for another half hour.

"Did Jeongguk need something from you?" Taehyung asks.

Jimin cackles, "Why is that so important for you to know?" He sounds genuinely interested in whatever answer Taehyung would give. "You've done nothing but questioning me about him."

Taehyung worries his bottom lip between his teeth, "You really can't tell?"

"It's not my place to do that," Jimin simply says, ruffling the other's hair affectionately. "And you know I'd tell you if it was anything serious."

"True..."

Jimin falls back against his pillow, propped against the wall of his bedroom, "You really worry too much."

In the matter of a couple weeks, things are back to normal and Taehyung can't help but blame himself for fussing over, well, nothing.

Jeongguk hasn't changed a bit. Nor has Jimin. The three of them and Yugyeom are back to their weekend antics, visiting bars and occupying Jimin's room regularly.

And Taehyung finally feels that everything has gone back into place. That things are exactly how they should've been since the beginning.

But about two weeks later Taehyung finds Jeongguk lying on his bed - Taehyung's bed - with an half emptied flask of vodka in hand.

Not that Jeongguk didn't drink regularly in the first place, but finding him like that at only ten pm on a friday night didn't feel right. And who knows when he had taken his first sip.

He walks over to him and takes the bottle from his grasp, twisting the cap back on correctly, "You okay?"

Jeongguk's eyes flutter open, glassy and slightly dilated, "'m fine."

Taehyung flattens a hand on his forehead only to find it warm and sweaty, "You sure?"

Jeongguk gives a subtle nod.

"Needed to forget about something?" Taehyung asks hesitantly, pushing away some hair that stuck to his skin. "Because alcohol isn't the best way to do that Gukkie. It'll just come back once the liquor's gone. Whatever's bothering you will still be there in the morning."

"I'm sleepy..."

Taehyung smiles, giving his wrist a light squeeze, "Let's get you to bed then."

Jeongguk does protest a little when Taehyung pulls him up on his feet and helps him get to his own single mattress. But almost as soon as his head hits the pillow, nothing but light snores are heard.

Jeongguk wakes up with a pounding headache and unclear memories of the past night.

He chews on the muffin Taehyung had brought from the kitchens lazily, "hyung."

"Yes?"

"I never meant for you to find me like that yesterday," Jeongguk confesses. "You weren't supposed to see that."

Taehyung pouts, "It's alright. Not the first time I've seen you drunk."

Jeongguk bites on his bottom lip, momentarily losing interest in his food, "I'm sorry but I haven't been completely honest with you these past few months."

Taehyung frowns, lowering his cup of tea to his desk, "How so?"

"I told you that thinking about you the whole summer built up to nothing. That was untrue." Jeongguk pauses, nibbling on his bottom lip.

"I don't understand."

Jeongguk's mouth curls up at edges, "When I came back here and saw you, it just - it was all so clear."

Taehyung's chest feels heavy and full for some reason. He might as well have been the one with a hangover, especially with Jeongguk talking so confidently.

"It was my choice for us to break up, I was the one that put an end to our relationship," Jeongguk continues, glance fixed on his muffin. "Back then I was certain that I made the right choice and that I could live with it."

He looks up at Taehyung and for a split second their eyes meet. Taehyung fears he might choke on his own breath.

"But now we're here, acting like the best of friends and nothing's ever hurt as much." Jeongguk lets out a dry cackle as he hides his face in his hands. "I blamed you for pretending for months but I'm just the same. If not worse."

Taehyung shakes his head, almost urgently, "Don't say that-"

"So yeah, I went to Jimin and we- we talked a lot," Jeongguk continues. "He's been really nice to me, very supportive too. And I'm sorry if I was rude to you about that, I just wasn't ready for you to find out yet."

There is nothing Taehyung can say - not that he is even sure whether Jeongguk even wants him to talk or stay quiet.

"You were so nice and things were going so well. We were back to watching movies and laughing over stupid things but I still wasn't satisfied. I kept wanting more and more..." Jeongguk looks up at the ceiling, blinking rapidly, "I'm sorry." He looks broken. "I tried to be your friend but it's just not enough."

Taehyung's body moves on its own.

He gets up from where he sat and crouches in front of him, reaching for his hands to hold.

"Here's the thing, Tae," Jeongguk utters. "You'd be unhappy if we ever got back together. And I hate how selfish I am for still wanting you back when I know that." He sounds resigned and vainquished. "Being with me in the way I want you to, it would just... it would make you hate me in the end."

Taehyung is sure he could never hate Jeongguk. But he doesn't say a thing, only brushes his thumb over the back of Jeongguk's hand. A small gesture he hoped could help soothing him.

"The last thing I want is for you to trap yourself in a relationship you don't need," Jeongguk says. "And this must sound very contradictive, but it really is not."

He exhales slowly through his nose, chin lowered to his own chest.

Taehyung never thought he'd look at things from his peculiar perspective. He never imagined that one day Jeongguk would project them both in an hypothetical future and look out for him there.

"I'm really, really sorry Tae," Jeongguk repeats. "But being around you all the time, sharing a room with you, it's... too much. So I- I'll move out. I'll contact the administration and they'll find me another roommate."

Taehyung's mouth runs on its own, "That's not necessary!"

Jeongguk gives a lopsided smile, "Tae, I can't stay here."

"You can!"

"Don't be nice just to be nice," Jeongguk utters. "I can get my things and be gone by monday."

Taehyung reaches up for his wrist, "Guk, I don't want you to leave," he says slowly. "Don't go, please." He squeezes once, "I just need a couple days. Will you wait until then? For me?"

Jeongguk pulls on his arm but there is no strength in the movement whatsoever, "Okay."

Taehyung does leave Jeongguk on his own for the night, bothering Jimin yet another time.

As he lies on the supplementary mattress, he stares at his conversation with Jeongguk, scrolling back to the messages they've sent each other during the summer.

He had never imagined the possibility of Jeongguk wanting him back, not after lying to him and admitting his aromanticity. To him, their break up had felt final - as he assumed most break ups did. And all he had done since then had been to forget they ever were a thing, nothing less and nothing more.

"Chim..."

"Yes?"

"I'm- I think I know what I'm going to do but..." He lets his eyes fall shut. "But I'm scared it turns out to be the wrong decision."

Jimin sits up on his bed, wrapped up in his covers, "That's normal," he sighs. "Jeongguk means a lot to you. You're scared you might lose him, it's just- normal really."

Taehyung hums vaguely.

"There's no bad answer here Tae," Jimin sighs. "And it's not entirely a choice for you to make. It is about what feels better, what would make you happier." He leans back against the wall, running a hand through his light hair, "You need to trust your guts on this one."

The other rolls on his side, his phone pressed against his chest, "Easier said than done..."

 Jimin gives a timid smile, "If you decide to give him a chance it's going to be hard, I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you. But maybe the good will be worth the bad. You just can't know beforehand."

When he is typing the key words his teacher writes on the blackboard into his laptop, Taehyung thinks about Jeongguk. When he meets up with Jimin around noon, Taehyung thinks about Jeongguk. When he walks by the library or the coffee shop, Taehyung thinks about Jeongguk.

So when he comes to their room after four long days, he has taken a decision. One he wouldn't diverge from. And maybe he'd come to regret it, maybe it was inevitable. But that wouldn't change anything.

"Guk." Jeongguk looks up from his notebook but doesn't reply. "Thanks for being so patient," Taehyung utters quietly as he moves towards his bed to sit at the foot of it. "I don't know how you did it, but thanks."

Jeongguk brings his knees to his chest, wraps his arms around his legs, "It was nothing."

Taehyung is pretty sure that's a lie but he doesn't say a word about it, "This wasn't easy but I made up my mind." Jeongguk had never looked so small, so fragile before, all curled up on his own bed. "You've said how I'd end up being unhappy if we ever got back together. But are you sure that you wouldn't regret being with me in ten or twenty years if we did?"

Jeongguk looks up, his hands shaking over his naked calves.

"You love me, but it is only today. What if you want to get married by the time you're thirty? What about kids?" Taehyung hates to put him on such icy and thin grounds, but it has to be done still. "And what if my lack of affectionate words ever become too much of an absence? Have you thought about yourself at all?"

Jeongguk bites down on his bottom lip, curling his toes in his socks.

"I can't willingly accept your demand if it winds up paining you later in life Jeongguk," Taehyung sighs. "I care about you too much to do such a heartless thing."

"Tae, I don't care about all of that," Jeongguk states. "All the 'I love you's I'll never hear, the white tuxedos, matching rings and everything that comes with it. I don't care about them."

Taehyung shakes his head faintly, "You say that now but you might want all of that when you're older. And being with me wouldn't let you have those things. I am never going to fall in love with you Jeongguk. I will never reprocicate your feelings." It hurts. Up to his nape down to his stomach. It hurts. "It's not something that's going to ever change. I don't want you to think that maybe one day I'll ever come to love you back."

Jeongguk sobs, lowering his forehead to his knees.

"I hate to say these things to you but they're only the truth. And I don't want to see you grow old and sad Guk. I wouldn't let you do that to yourself. Not when you could fall for someone else and find happiness by their side."

Silence fills the room. It is thick and heavy.

Taehyung's fingers sneak closer to Jeongguk's ankle and gently rub the sensitive skin there. Just two light strokes, "You'll get over me."

"How can you decide that all on your own?"

Taehyung blinks up, "Jeongguk, don't make this harder than it already is."

"You're worth the what ifs Tae, you're worth all of these things you're apparently so sure I'm depending on," he speaks fast, as if time mattered in the balance. "Can't you see that?"

"I can," Taehyung utters. "But you deserve better than what I could offer you."

"All these months, were you faking those smiles?" Jeongguk cries. "Did we not - Were we not happy then?"

Taehyung smiles, "We were. For a time."

"Why did you ever go out with me..."

The world seems to shift below Taehyung's feet. And the unexisting motion makes him dizzy.

"I couldn't stand to see you unhappy," Taehyung admits. "I wanted you to always smile and I was willing to do anything for that. But now I know that it wouldn't be good on you." He pauses and exhales shallowly. He feels so empty, "Someone out there will date you because they have feelings for you. And that someone isn't me Guk."

/ / /

Taehyung had insisted but Jeongguk moved to another room the next weekend. He left his shelves and desk empty without a word. And another student came in to take his place.

Even when they promised to stay friends, they don't talk to each other until Jeongguk's graduation one year and a half later.

After that, Taehyung goes back to Daegu for a while before he'd find a job suited for him.

Jeongguk then dates a girl during his last year of college and they eventually get engaged by the time he turns 25.

Taehyung hears about it via social medias, not even a text or a letter. Which hurts in a way even he couldn't describe. 

Jeongguk doesn't get married. He doesn't tell anyone why, but he and his fiancée have both agreed on splitting up after three years of cohabitation.

He is almost 30 now and after many efforts - and a little help from Jimin - he meets up with Taehyung for a beer.

Taehyung tells him all about his job in a humanitarian organization and Jeongguk listens with attention.

A couple hours isn't quite enough to catch up on many years so they settle for another beer the next weekend. And then for another the week after.

And maybe Jeongguk's love for Taehyung had never really went away or maybe it had been brought to life again, who would know.

He falls all over again and this time, Taehyung doesn't stop him.

Chapter Text

Epilogue

Taehyung does answer Jeongguk's invitation to a casual drink. But it is not after long minutes of staring at his phone and walking aimlessly through his appartment - from the kitchen to the bedroom and back again.

He hadn't seen Jeongguk in the flesh for more than a year - since Namjoon's and Seokjin's wedding exactly - and was unsure how the encounter would go. It probably would be like any other reunion with friends he made in high school and such, still it scared him.

Jeongguk offers him his hand to shake outside of the bar and the action is so different from any greeting they ever had that it unsettles Taehyung even further.

After they've sat for ten minutes spilling the general news since the last time they saw each other, Taehyung's level of discomfort has somehow managed to climb higher. He doesn't know what to do with his long, dainty arms or with his hands. What did he even do with them normally?

"You must travel quite often then," Jeongguk says. "Do you go on missions abroad too?"

Taehyung tilts his head to the side, "Not really. I'm mainly in the headquarters, going through piles of legal documents."

Jeongguk hums to himself as he brings his glass to his mouth.

Taehyung's gaze is captured by the thin line around Jeongguk's finger, where his ring used to sit for years. Months didn't seem to be quite enough to let the sun erase the trace of his engagement.

"I'm fine," Jeongguk simply says before he rubs the spot.

"You do look fine."

Jeongguk's smile reaches his eyes, lets some crinkles show, and Taehyung feels like he has been brought back in their dorms - like he is 20 all over again. Time apparently couldn't affect the way Jeongguk looked at him.

The thought is oddly satisfying.

It immediately becomes a habit of theirs to grab a drink after work in the weekend. And it takes weeks but Taehyung loosens the distance and caution he had held for his own self.

"It's nice to have you back," Jeongguk says, already sipping on his third beer.

"Yeah, it's not too bad to see your face around often I guess," Taehyung shrugs.

Jeongguk hits him on the shoulder, "At first I thought that maybe you would have changed? That maybe we wouldn't have anything in common anymore or that we just wouldn't-" He pauses, blinking at the ceiling. "That we wouldn't click again you know?"

Taehyung nods, "Yeah, I know. I thought the exact same thing."

"But you're the same Taehyung I met in college," Jeongguk sighs, quite dreamily. "The only difference is your hair? But everyone changes hairstyles."

"You're drunk," Taehyung laughs. "Nothing you say makes sense."

"I am not even close to being drunk," Jeongguk retorts. "It's just because it's you I'm talking to."

"I don't know how to take that."

Jeongguk pats his back, "With me, it's always in the good way. In the best of ways."

It is after one of these friday nights that Jeongguk leans in and kisses Taehyung goodbye.

His lips don't linger for more than a few seconds but Taehyung feels lightheaded nonetheless, as if his lungs hadn't tasted oxygen in years.

"I-I'm sorry," Jeongguk says, taking a step back. "I shouldn't have-"

Taehyung knows he is going to start blabbering million excuses so he pulls him in by the arm, joining their mouths again. But this time he doesn't move back until Jeongguk's lips part, he doesn't move back when Jeongguk's hands come to tug him closer by the waist.

His head does twirl furiously and his legs do feel numb at the familiar contact. Jeongguk tasted the same, his lips were just like he remembered them.

"It's okay," Taehyung utters, a thumb rubbing Jeongguk's nape. "Don't apologize."

The questions he hadn't asked himself in over a decade come knocking at his head but Taehyung is tired of wondering, of doubting and fearing the future. He was thirty-one years old, had a stable job and everything he could've ever wished for.

And now he had Jeongguk back. He had him back and he could have him stay.

Jeongguk giggles as his hands crawl up Taehyung's sides to cup his cheeks, "I'm so happy."

Maybe Jeongguk had cried after that, but there was no sadness in his tears whatsoever. And Taehyung had been there to hold him all along.

"How about you come over to my place instead?"

Taehyung grabs his keys, ready to leave his appartment, "Well, if it's okay with you?"

Jeongguk sighs on the other end of the call, "I wouldn't have asked if it wasn't the case Tae."

"I'm just checking," Taehyung says, locking the door behind him. "Should I buy something to drink?"

"Sure."

Taehyung arrives twenty minutes later with a bottle of wine, Jeongguk letting him inside his appartment.

"That's a nice place you got Gukkie," he states, sliding out of his coat. "Quite spacious."

Jeongguk takes it along with his scarf, "I do what I can."

They're on the couch sharing a drink in no time and even if Jeongguk and him had shared much more intimate moments in the past, Taehyung feels more anxious than he ever had.

"I can't believe you're actually in my appartment," Jeongguk says, pouring himself a glass. "Which is weird because we basically lived together for a year and a half"

Taehyung pats his thigh, "It's because it is different. Everything is different."

Jeongguk bites his bottom lip and Taehyung doesn't resist his urge to kiss him. He doesn't resist when Jeongguk pulls him closer and lays him down on the sofa either.

"I think I like different," Jeongguk says, nuzzling Taehyung's nose.

The friday drinking nights slowly turn into Taehyung hanging out at Jeongguk's place. They'd turn on Yoongi's broadcast - that now had three shows per week - or put a movie on, like old times.

"You know that you can stay over right?"

Taehyung pivots on his heels, his hands already reaching out for the handle, "Yes?"

Jeongguk smiles, walking up to him to wrap his arms around his waist, "I want you to."

"Okay," Taehyung says, feeling as if air had just been kicked out of his lungs. "I'll stay."

They don't sleep but lie under the covers making out lazily that night, rejoicing in each other's presence. And for these couple hours, Taehyung feels like a young adult again, but this time around he isn't so confused by Jeongguk.

Nothing had changed on his side and perhaps,neither did it on Jeongguk's.

"You might regret this one day," Taehyung hears himself say, eyelids heavy.

Jeongguk pushes himself up on an elbow, "I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try," he states. "I've wanted this for so long Tae, you have no idea."

Taehyung flattens a thumb over his cheekbone, "I really don't. But I'm just warning you."

He doesn't want to frighten him. All he does is out of caring for him; because he'd hate to see him as miserable as he had been in the past.

"I'll be fine," Jeongguk says, leaning in to kiss him. "We will be fine."

"Your belt," Jeongguk pants. "Take it off."

Taehyung laughs in his neck, "I'm trying!"

Jeongguk starts laughing too, pushing his own jacket off his shoulders, "Try faster."

They don't even make it out of the doorway.

And even if there is an undeniable rush to it, Taehyung feels at ease. Because Jeongguk reeks of familiarity. And his body responds to Jeongguk's like it is its second nature, like it had been made for Jeongguk's hands and mouth to touch only.

His legs come to wrap around Jeongguk's waist and he lets himself be filled in a way he hadn't been in almost a decade.

And in the morning the first thing he sees if Jeongguk smiling down at him, a cup of tea in hand, ready to be consumed.

There was no promise that this relationship wouldn't go crashing down, no certainty that it would last until they'd draw their last breaths.

But Taehyung was willing to wait and see it they could make it. If he could make Jeongguk happy, if he could find comfort and solace in a romantic setting without ever wanting out.

"I love you."

Taehyung smiles, his eyes never leaving Jeongguk's as he intertwines their fingers, " mI know you do."