Archive of Our Own ^beta

 

"Spread your fingers out."

 

"This is stupid, Dave," John sighs in exasperation, although he does as Dave asks. He raises an eyebrow once Dave covers his hand with his own, the contrast clear between his thick fingers to Dave's bony ones. "What's this supposed to prove, exactly? Who has the longer dick?"

 

"You wish you knew, you perv," Dave says, the teasing tone clear, yet his facial expression leaving much to be questioned by those unknowing of his usual poker-faced disposition. "My fingers are longer than yours," he says after a while, checking the middle finger first. "But yours are fatter. Now, I'd say that makes for good prep-"

 

"Dave, I swear to god, if you so much as utter a word about gay sex, I will murder you in your sleep," John grouses, hiding his face with one hand as he hears the murmuring start up from within the classroom. Most of them are coming from the girls, unsurprisingly.

 

"I was going to say that you'd have better luck at preparing dough, considering the girth of your fingers- but that works too. Man, you're not even trying to hide your sexual inclinations, Egbert."

 

Anyone who had only been listening in from outside the classroom would not have noticed John tackling Dave and wrestling him around on the floor. As such, when Dave leaves the classroom flushed with his hair mussed up, it's pretty unquestionable how people think of other things having happened in the room.

 

Thus begins the rumor that the pair (John&Dave, as the people in their school call it) has an exhibitionist kink.

 

 

----

 

 

"Feed me," John commands, sitting with his chest pressed into the back of his chair. He frowns and narrows his eyes when Dave raises an eyebrow at him. "You dare say no?"

 

"Oh come on, you have better food than me," Dave complains, gesturing to the Tupperware sitting on John's armrest. "That's cake, dude. How the fuck can you say no to cake? Alright, yeah, I am aware that you will eternally hold a grudge against Betty Crocker for some stupid-ass reason- but dude."

 

"Wow, fuck you, Dave," John grumbles, folding his arms on his chair to better hide the lower half of his face. "Here I thought you loved me. It's a lie."

 

"You're a drama queen, John."

 

"You're a selfish little traitor, Strider."

 

Dave rolls his eyes, taking a bite from his packed pizza, before holding it out to John for a bite. John grins in victory once he takes a piece, to which Dave responds with a mockingly weary sigh.

 

By the end of the day, the whispers from the girls add up to,

 

"They're such a sweet couple."

 

 

----

 

 

"Where do you think you're going, faggot?"

 

Dave hides a groan, turning an unamused expression towards the teen blocking his way to his locker. "Well, I was thinking of getting my shit from my locker- but hey, you just reminded me. Could you tell your mom to give me back my shirt? I think I left it over when I spent the night."

 

"You little shit-" the shorter teen hisses, fist clenched, preparing to land a hit- until John bounds over like a puppy high from playing fetch.

 

"Yeah? Is there a problem?" John says, laying a hand on Dave's shoulder as he grins widely. "I think you just called my best friend a little shit."

 

"So what?" The other kid snaps, fist falling back to his side. "You think you can take me?"

 

John laughs, the sound far too loud to be natural. "You're on, big guy."

 

*

 

"I could have handled that a little better," Dave says as they leave the hidden portion of the park, not once turning back to look at the whimpering mess of beat-up teen. "A little cleaner, actually. You ruined his face."

 

"I know that you can handle it," John says, "but I was feeling angry, and he was there."

 

"Such a noble savior," Dave drawls, earning a nudge in the side from John's elbow. "For once, I'm grateful that you're packing some meat. That would have hurt if you were a little less chubby."

 

"That you still call me fat after I've started working out- you're something else."

 

"I don't want to lose my memories of your thick exterior, John. Your posterior is a nice reminder, though."

 

"Keep that opinion in your pants, Dave," John says, hiding a bloodied fist in his jacket's pocket.

 

 

 

 

The following day, not a lot of people dare as much on calling Dave out about his sexuality.

 

(John could definitely land a gig as a bodyguard.)

 

 

----

 

 

“I don’t think you understand the hilarity of the situation, John.”

 

“This isn’t funny!” John almost-shrieks, voice rising in pitch with each word as he shakes Dave by the shoulders. “She won’t leave me alone, Dave. I’ve told her no again and again and she won’t stop!”

 

Dave snickers, barely even trying to avoid John’s slaps aimed at his shoulder. He stops laughing when the bathroom door opens and a freshman comes in, looking like a deer in headlights when he notices the pair of sophomores in front of one of the cubicles. Dave vaguely notes how John has reverted to shaking him by the shoulders in the middle of the slapfest, which almost (almost) makes the thing look awkward. He doesn’t know how it looks like for the freshman, but damn, it must be bad. He immediately squeaks once he gets a hold of his senses, apologizing profusely as he stumbles out of the bathroom.

 

“Oh my god, John,” Dave says, gawping for a second at the door, before doubling over in laughter and out of John’s hold. He wheezes, “I think the kid thought we were gonna do the naughty in one of the cubicles.”

 

“What!”

 

“The naughty,” Dave emphasizes, struggling to keep a straight face, before bursting into laughter again. “Holy shit. How would that much- pfft- junk, fit in my trunk, anyway? I don’t think that shit’s physically possible.”

 

John looks scandalized at the implication, which makes Dave laugh some more.

 

“John Egbert, the man who could- hah- handle a senior, but wets his knickers in the face of an aggressive girl.” Dave stifles a snort of laughter when John (rather forcefully) nudges his elbow into Dave’s side.

 

“Shut it.”

 

 

 

 

Suffice to say, the girl leaves John alone once a new batch of rumours about John&Dave gets around.

 

 

-------

 

 

“I’m going to pound you so hard you won’t be able to walk for a week.”

 

“Uh,” a distinctly feminine voice says from behind the curtain.

 

“Jade? S’that you?” Dave asks, still lying on his stomach as he swats at John, who huffs but gets his ass off the bed to tug back the curtain around the infirmary bed. Jade is still staring at them with wide eyes when John is done pulling the curtain back. Dave raises an eyebrow, propping his chin up with one hand. “What?”

 

“Was I disturbing something?” She says, voice coming out as a squeak as she turns her gaze from John to him, and then back to John again. “I could come back later!”

 

“Nah, we’re fine,” John says, waving a hand in dismissal as he returns to sitting on the edge of the bed. “Dave was just being his usual dramatic self and asking me to give him a massage. I’m not even sure it’ll help, considering how he strains himself so much with all the horseshit he puts up with at home.”

 

Dave rolls his eyes at the ‘horseshit’ bit, but says, “He has magical fingers that could put professional masseurs to shame.” Jade eyes him in bewilderment, a little confused still, until some sort of realization dawns on her and she nods in understanding.

 

“Thanks, I guess,” John says, reaching a fist out and digging it into Dave’s upper back, sort of rolling it along. Dave groans in response.

 

“Why’d you think you were disturbing anything, Harley?” Dave asks, propping his head on his folded arms as he turns to look at her. He raises an eyebrow when she giggles in response, although that expression easily fades when John shifts closer and starts a pounding motion with his fists on his back. “Christ.”

 

Jade laughs a little more. “Oh, it’s nothing, just something John said,” she says while placing one of her notebooks on the small table beside the bed.

 

“What?” Dave grunts, moving to bury his face in his folded arms.

 

“Something about pounding you until you won’t be able to walk for a week?” Jade says, a questioning lilt at the last word. Dave laughs into his arms when John squawks in disbelief.

 

“That was very cliché porn line,” Dave says, turning his head to look at Jade. He grunts in surprise when John leans over and digs his elbow into his back, which Dave’s pretty sure is retaliation on John’s part.

 

“I’m not the one who belongs in a raunchy porn movie,” John says, which earns a laugh from Jade.

 

“Yeah, you’re definitely not sexy enough,” Dave agrees, wiggling his eyebrows in Jade’s direction. “Meanwhile- ngh.”

 

“What was that?”

 

Dave groans in response, hiding his face in his arms again as he turns one of his hands up and flips the finger at him. The tips of his ears are bright red, as is his nape, which is enough of a sign that he’s embarrassed for John to be satisfied.

 

“Thought so.”

 

Jade laughs.

 

Dave is really starting to wonder why these people are his best friends.

 

 

-----

 

 

“You’re each other’s date to prom.”

 

“Careful Rose, you might poke your own eye out,” Dave says, gesturing to her raised eyebrow. Rose gives him a blank look in response. “Well, yeah. Terezi dumped me, Jade is giving that Tavros kid a chance, and you’re with Kanaya. John is too much of a nerd to take a girl out, and Vriska’s freaky.”

 

“I take offense to that,” John says as he comes back to them, two cups of punch in either hand until he gives one to Dave. He smirks and says, “Here you go, sugar plum.”

 

“Thanks, honey bunch,” Dave drawls, before taking a sip. He makes a face once he finishes swallowing. “Yeah, someone spiked the punch. Real typical.”

 

John shrugs. “Just enjoy it while you can. It’s not like you have your own stash at home.”

 

“I don’t drink,” Dave grumbles. He finishes the drink off anyway, wincing once he finishes swallowing it all. “Gross.”

 

“You can’t drink apple juice all the time, Dave, much as you think that it’s healthy for you.” Rose sighs. “Although I don’t see much of the appeal in apple juice.”

 

“I would if I could.” Dave makes a face at Rose, before handing over his cup to John. “Don’t hate on the drink when you’ve only tried it once, Lalonde.”

 

“Yeah, if you’re finished arguing,” John begins, having already thrown away his plastic cup along with Dave’s, “I think someone owes me a dance.” He grins when Dave raises an eyebrow at him, before gesturing to the boutonniere on his own suit. It’s a flashy thing, what with its bright pink color. “Payment for the corsage.”

 

“Boutonniere,” Dave corrects, waving a hand in dismissal when Rose smirks at him. “Do you even know how to dance, or is this payback because you’ll just step all over my feet?”

 

John’s grin widens as he holds out a hand to Dave. “We’ll have to find out, won’t we?”

 

“Please leave out the part involving John in my last will and testament,” Dave says to Rose as he takes John hand. John rolls his eyes, as does Rose, although that doesn’t stop him from dragging Dave onto the dance floor. “If you so much as crush a toe, I’m calling my lawyer,” he tells John, who laughs while pulling him into his chest, his hand on the curve of Dave’s back with the other hand still holding onto Dave’s.

 

“I’ll make sure to crush more than that, then.”

 

“I have pepper spray, so don’t even try it.”

 

“You still don’t have an ass even when you’re in your junior year, what would I even cop a feel of?” John says, snickering when Dave none too subtly steps on his foot.

 

“Is that any way to treat a lady? No wonder you don’t have flocks of girls begging to mack on you.”

 

“If I’d been aware of the difference in our reproductive organs,” John says, spinning Dave around before pulling him back into their initial dancing position, “I might’ve treated you differently, Dave.”

 

“Blatant sexism, Egbert. You sure you want to start up that kind of argument with me?”

 

“Doesn’t change the fact that I could flatten paper on your ass without getting the paper crumpled in the process.”

 

Dave sniffs, turning his head up in mock disdain as he slaps a hand on John’s shoulder. “Maybe I should find a date who actually appreciates how aesthetically appealing I am.”

 

John laughs, giving Dave another spin, before pulling him back and leaving a smacking kiss on his cheek. “As if you could abandon me.”

 

Dave rolls his eyes, using the hand not in John’s to wipe at his cheek. “You’re lucky that I’m a merciful guy, John.”

 

John’s laugh tapers into a chuckle. “Whatever.”

 

 

 

The day after bears Facebook pictures of him and John dancing, various angles taken into consideration along with captions underneath saying things like “Interesting how you’ve taken up the traditional woman’s role in dancing, David.”

 

Dave types in a comment, “being spun around is more fun than youd think, although i dont think youd know that considering how you spent the whole of prom night with your girlfriend in the little ladies room”

 

Rose doesn’t reply.

 

(Well, that definitely answered the question of where she was the whole night.)

 

 

------

 

 

Summer. First thing that comes to mind is heat, then beaches, and because Bro is awesome and has a thing for John’s cousin, he agrees to be their chauffeur when Dave tells him that they plan on spending their free time swimming.

 

It’d be a little better if John didn’t keep forgetting his own drinks.

 

“Dude, bro, I love you and all, but if you keep drinking my apple juice we will have words.”

 

John rolls his eyes, completely unfazed by the warning, and sits down beside Dave on the blanket (with an umbrella for temporary shelter from the sunlight). He steals Dave’s bottle of apple juice again from its place on the blanket, taking a large gulp, before handing it back to him. “I’ll buy you a whole jug when we get back home, man.”

 

“It’s not the same,” Dave says, (whimpers, had he lacked the shame to admit it) but takes the bottle back and empties it of the remaining juice. “You’re an asshole.”

 

“I wonder what that says about you, considering how you hang with me anyway,” John points out, grinning as he opens the cooler and brings out another bottle of apple juice. He pops the cap off with ease, before handing the bottle to Dave.

 

“I’m incapable of rational decisions when it comes to making friends?”

 

“No, although that is sort of a valid point.”

 

“Then what?” Dave raises an eyebrow, before taking gulp out of his apple juice.

 

“You’re a masochist,” John says, rolling his eyes before closing them when he lies back on the blanket.

 

“That explains a lot,” Dave drawls, a little on the snarky side. He takes a slow sip from his bottle before saying, “Growing up with a brother who trains you every day with swords tends to give you certain inclinations. It doesn’t take rocket science to figure that out.”

 

“Did you discover that on your own, or did Rose help you out?”

 

Dave is silent for a moment.

 

It’s enough of an answer that John laughs.

 

“Again, you’re an asshole,” Dave grumbles.

 

John grins, reaching a hand out and patting him on the shoulder. “You love me anyway.”

 

 

-------

 

 

“So. Nice weather we’re having here.”

 

“It’s night time, I don’t even know what sort of weather you’re looking at right now with how dark it is outside, John.”

 

John makes a face at the comment, before sighing in relief when a waiter comes up and serves him and Dave’s orders of pasta. “What else do you want me to say? I couldn’t think of anything else to diffuse the tension.”

 

“Trust me, kid,” Bro says, leaning back as he looks to John, “the only tension I can see accumulating in this joint is the sexual tension between you and Dave.”

 

Dave rolls his eyes at the same time that John barks out a laugh. “Don’t even kid, bro,” Dave says, twirling strands of the carbonara around his fork, “I know how nervous you are about Jake.”

 

“He is a little late,” John says, almost like he’s agreeing with Dave. But then there’s the sound of thumping underneath the table and John yelps. “What!”

 

“Shut up,” Dave hisses, before grabbing one of the garlic breads and stuffing it into John’s mouth. John makes a muffled sound of disbelief at the action, but eats the bread anyway. Dave turns to Bro with a wince, says, “He probably doesn’t know how to read clocks, bro. You know how it is with the, y’know, digital age.”

 

Bro rolls his eyes. “Nice try, kid.”

 

“There he is!” John squeaks moments after finishing his garlic bread, gesturing none too subtly with a finger to the doorway where Jake is standing. Jake, who is flushed and sweating as though he’d been running from god knows where, with a bouquet of flowers in one arm and a suit on his person that was tight enough to be inappropriate.

 

“Oh my god,” Bro and Dave whisper simultaneously.

 

John laughs in agreement.

 

“I’m terribly sorry, Dirk,” Jake wheezes out when as he finds the trio’s table, a sheepish grin on his face as he straightens up in front of Bro. “Was I late? I couldn’t decide on whether to give you flowers or not, but, um, I decided it’d be best to just go with the flowers?”

 

“It’s fine,” Bro says, a little stunned still as he takes the bouquet from Jake’s hands. “Uh.” He gives Dave and John a look as he sets the bouquet on his lap.

 

Dave stands up as soon as Jake shoots a confused smile their way. “We’ll be going,” Dave says, making a “let’s go” gesture at John as he makes his way out of his seat with his plate in one hand. “We have a date of our own, isn’t that right John?”

 

“Yeah, a date,” John says, trying and failing to hide his laughter as he grabs his plate and scurries after Dave to a table on the other side of the room.

 

Bro and Jake share a look, although Jake’s expression is a little more on the bemused side when Dirk smirks.

 

 

------

 

 

“If you two are fucking done gazing into each other’s eyes-”

 

“Shut up Kar, our manly pride depends on this.”

 

Karkat snarls at Dave’s words, almost sending a slap his way, until Dave deflects his hand without once looking at him. John snorts out a laugh without breaking out of his staring. Karkat makes an annoyed sound when the slap doesn’t land, although he doesn’t attempt it again.

 

It takes a few seconds until John blinks, to which Dave immediately points a finger and says, “I win. You owe me pizza, John.”

 

Karkat groans, grumbling to himself, “Fucking douchebags.”

 

“I heard that!”

 

“You were meant to hear that, dickhead,” Karkat says, still scowling as he folds his arms over his chest. “We need to talk about our chemistry project.” He pauses, opening his mouth to say something again, before closing it and glaring at Dave. Or, to be precise, at Dave’s chest. “Why the hell are you wearing Egbert’s jacket?”

 

Dave gives him an odd look. “Because it’s cold?”

 

Karkat frowns. “No it isn’t.”

 

John laughs, finally breaking out of his temporary moment of gloom. “Dave is a sensitive baby who can’t handle the cold.”

 

“It’s not my fault that I don’t have thick skin like you do,” Dave says, squinting at John, before leaning back and relaxing on his chair. “But hey, Terezi totally appreciated my body. Why don’t you?” He wiggles his eyebrows at John for emphasis, which earns him a roll of John’s eyes.

 

“I don’t think I can appreciate your body the way that she did.” John sighs, leaning forward with his chin propped on his palm. “She’s a little softer than me, isn’t she?”

 

Dave smirks, leaning forward propping his chin on his open palm. “Are you saying that you’d be rough with me? I think I could handle that.”

 

“Oh my god!” Karkat yells, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “Could you two stop flirting and start talking about the Chemistry project!”

 

“Yeah, yeah.” John huffs.

 

“Spoilsport,” Dave says, snickering when Karkat punches him in the arm.

 

 

------

 

 

When Dave blinks his eyes open, still bleary from sleep, and sees John sitting on his computer chair (which has been moved from the computer to the side of his bed), the first thing that comes out of his mouth is, “Are you seriously pulling an Edward Cullen on me?”

 

“Not really?” John shrugs, shutting his book and placing it on his lap. “I didn’t stare at you the whole time I was here. I did some homework while I was at it. You’re seriously a deep sleeper, man.” He grins.

 

Oh.

 

Oh fuck no. Dave knows that look on John’s face, and it never means anything good.

 

He stumbles out of bed and into the bathroom (which has a mirror), feeling a little justified when he yells, “John! What the fuck?!”

 

“I told you I’d come over at eight, dumbass!” John yells back, and Dave could bet his life on the fact that John is grinning at that moment. The fucker.

 

“And you had to draw a dick on my face as punishment?” Dave says when he returns to his room, trying his hardest to keep his cool when John falls off the chair laughing.

 

“It’s totally your fault,” John says, still laughing while doubled over on the floor. “Oh my god, your face.”

 

“I hate you so much,” Dave grumbles in response while heading back to the bathroom.

 

“Lies!” John yells at his retreating back.

 

“You’ll rue the day you decided to use my face as your whiteboard, you dick!” Dave yells back.

 

And yeah, he may not really hate the guy, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences.

 

 

---------

 

 

“Your ass, Dave.”

 

“If I hear one more goddamned word out of your mouth regarding Dave’s hindquarters,” Karkat warns, “I will cut your dick off with a sickle.”

 

“But he’s so bony!” John complains, yelping a bit when Dave slaps him in the face- although the slap isn’t too hard, considering how it doesn’t make much of a sound. “Why the hell does Dave have to sit on me, even!”

 

“There’s no more room?” Dave says, nudging an elbow back and hitting John’s throat in the process. John retaliates by bucking his hips up, which sends Dave sprawling forward with a squawk of surprise. “Hey!”

 

“Shut the fuck up or I will turn this car around, I swear to god,” Roxy yells from the driver’s seat.

 

John makes a whimpering sound at that. “Sorry ma’am.”

 

“Make an example out of Rose and Kanaya, kiddos,” Bro says from the passenger’s seat, gesturing vaguely to the back where Rose is sitting on Kanaya’s lap. “They’re well-behaved.”

 

“But I can feel Dave’s bones,” John groans, hiding his face in Dave’s back. Dave makes an annoyed sound, a cross between a grunt and a growl as he reaches back and whacks John on the cheek. “Ow!”

 

“Don’t be a dick or I’ll start talking about the gun in your pants.”

 

“You don’t have a license for a gun,” Jade says with a confused look on her face, squished in between Karkat and John.

 

“John doesn’t have a gun,” Rose says.

 

“Oh my god,” John groans, hiding his face in Dave’s back again, before reaching up and squeezing around Dave’s sides.

 

“John!”

 

 

 

By the end of the afternoon drive, everyone had discovered that Dave was ticklish and that John didn’t own a gun.

 

He did own a large-ass mobile phone, though.

 

 

------

 

 

“Did Calli just call you mama?”

 

“John has prettier eyes," Calliope answers, smiling while John makes a face at Roxy behind the girl’s back. “Dave is papa because he can use swords. We’re playing house!”

 

“This is dumb,” Caliborn supplies helpfully, shooting a glare in Dave’s direction as he folds his arms over his chest. “I don’t like him.”

 

“You don’t like anyone,” Dave says, setting the plastic sword away on the couch before sitting on the floor in front of Caliborn. “I don’t know how to help you with that, kid.”

 

“Dirk was adequate,” Caliborn huffs, before turning his attention back to his toys, which were mostly plastic screwdrivers, bolts, and a small block-looking thing.

 

“Miss Dirk, do ya?” Roxy says, gently kicking the door shut behind her as she stoops down and picks Calliope up into her arms. Calliope squeals happily in turn, while Caliborn makes a growling sound at her. “Aw, there’s nothing wrong with that, sweetums. Dirk misses you too, if that makes you feel any better?”

 

Dave makes an aborted choking sound when Caliborn perks up at the notion, although the boy immediately puts on a frown again when he says, “You’re lying.”

 

“Nuh-uh,” Roxy says, completely ignoring Dave and John as they hold onto each other, John clearly trying his best not to laugh out loud. “I can call him for you, and he’ll confirm it. How’s that sound?”

 

“That is fine,” Caliborn says with a nod. He shoots a glare in Dave and John’s direction when John fails to hide a choked out laugh. “Quiet!”

 

“Sorry,” John croaks out, hiding his face in both hands as Dave hides his own in John’s shoulder.

 

Roxy rolls her eyes at the sight of them, before pulling her phone out and dialing Bro’s number one-handedly. Calliope is perfectly satisfied with watching her and twirling Roxy’s blond locks, which is cute enough that Roxy makes a cooing sound.

 

“You haven’t contacted a kitten, Rox. I don’t know why you’re cooing at me.”

 

“Whoops! I was talking to Calli,” Roxy says, grinning at Calliope when she smiles up at her. “I’m visiting the English twins, and Caliborn wanted me to check on you.”

 

”Huh.”

 

“What, don’t tell me you don’t miss him?” Roxy teases. She moves to the couch when Calli starts moving in her arm, setting the girl on her lap as she leans back. She nudges the sword away with her hand before getting back to Bro with, “Because he definitely misses you, beef Dirky.”

 

“Rox, no.”

 

Roxy laughs. “Fine, I’m handing the phone over to him.”

 

Caliborn’s frown at her previous statement immediately fades when she hands the phone to him, which he fumbles with until he settles it into one hand and presses it into his ear. “Hello.”

 

“Hey, kid. I heard something about you missing me?”

 

Caliborn face flushes red at the notion, and Dave hides a little further in John’s shoulder, his shoulders shaking from his effort to hold the laughter in. “I find you to be an acceptable babysitter. Your brother sucks.”

 

Dave yells at that, “He loves you, Bro!”

 

“Shut. Up!” Caliborn yells, kicking a pillow over in Dave’s direction, which ends up hitting John in the face.

 

“Ow!”

 

“It’s not nice to hit people, you know that.”

 

“They were being annoying,” Caliborn grumbles. Roxy giggles, but immediately turns her attention back down to Calliope when Caliborn glares at her.

 

“Even so.” There’s a pause and the sound of static, until Bro says, “I miss you too, kiddo. Be nice to the other children.”

 

Caliborn mumbles something which even Roxy, who’s closest to him, doesn’t understand. “Fine,” he says after a minute of mumbling, “I’ll be nice. Somewhat. Unless they choose to irritate me again.”

 

“That’s cool. I’ll be back to babysit once I’m done with work, kid.”

 

“Fine.”

 

When Caliborn hands the phone back to Roxy, Dave and John are already doubled over on the floor in laughter.

 

He ignores it in favor of grabbing some paper and drawing- or, to be more accurate, scribbling- with orange and black crayons.