Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Being raised in the Empire was something you never questioned as a child. It was just the way things were, it was all you’d ever known. Daughter to one of the most respected Imperial Commanders, you were given a somewhat normal childhood. You were to be raised to become a Stormtrooper, but that never happened. No matter what they did, you just weren’t soldier material. If you hadn’t been related to your mother, you would have just been terminated. When that became an option, you felt like you were finally seeing the organization’s true colors.

The Empire basically ran through the blood in your veins. Before your father went missing, he’d trained you to his best abilities to fight after failing to measure up to expectations. He did what he could, but there was no changing the fact that you just couldn’t fight. Any time you tried, you were either breaking expensive equipment, or breaking your bones. With the large amount of time you spent in doctor’s care, you’d picked up a love for the art of medicine. This led you to become an apprentice to one of the nurses, who taught you everything you knew. The thing was, that was the only medical training you ever received, so you couldn’t preform surgeries and the like. You could, however, relocate a shoulder or two and stitch up a wound in two minutes flat.

Even if your parents had wanted you to follow in their footsteps and become a fierce fighter, they were just glad to have you contributing to the cause at all. It wasn’t that you were against the Empire, but you definitely weren’t quiet in your distaste for their methods. The idea of children being taken from their families to be trained as Stormtroopers was more than infuriating to you. Whenever new children were brought it, you were often patching them up. They didn’t know how to fight or defend themselves, not yet, at least. One of the most important things you were taught was not to think about it, because the children were needed.

The older you got, the angrier it made you. You’d looked into the eyes of hundreds of innocent children and watched them all go cold. When your father didn’t return from one of his missions, that’s when things were really set in stone for you. The Empire was responsible for so much of the pain in your life, and you wanted out. You were past the point of caring whether or not you ever saw your mother again. She wasn’t nearly as compassionate and understanding as your father had been. She had a ‘tough love’ approach to the whole parenting thing, but your father saw things differently. It was no wonder you’d been so heartbroken when he never returned.

You were packing up to leave the infirmary after an extremely busy day when an opportunity to leave presented itself. The weird thing was, it presented itself in the form of a man barging into the medbay. He was clutching his side, a large red stain spreading across his coat.

Apparently, he hadn’t noticed you standing in the center of the room, wide-eyed and confused. He watched as a patrol strode past the door, lowered his blaster and sighed in relief. A few moments passed and you opted to stay silent, backing away slowly and hoping to find something to hide under. You passed a tray of scalpels and thought it best to grab one, just in case.

Before you could even pick the weapon up, you knocked the tray onto the floor, metal clanging loudly. The man turned and drew his blaster almost instantly, finger on the trigger.

“You’re hurt, right?” you asked, raising your hands to show you were unarmed. “I can help you.”

“I don’t need your help,” he said coldly, advancing closer.

“If that’s a blaster wound then you won’t be able to fix it by yourself,” you said, “Your head’s bleeding, too. You might need stitches, were you gonna do that on your own?”

He stared you down, sizing you up and weighing his options. A sudden, sharp pain in his side made him hunch over and clutch the wound tighter. He groaned and willed the pain away before looking back up at you.

To his surprise, you didn’t look scared. Concerned, maybe, but not scared.

“Let me help you,” you pleaded, stepping in his direction.

He sighed and nodded, holstering his gun. You sprang into action, grabbing the materials you needed and ushering him to lie down on one of the counter tops.

“You’ll need to take your jacket off,” you told him, pulling things out of drawers and cabinets.

He did as you said. The injured man took off his coat, laid on his back, then propped himself up on his elbows so as to keep an eye on you. Once you had everything together, you set to work, moving his shirt to uncover the wound. He winced and let out a tiny noise of discomfort as you moved the fabric.

“If you think that hurt, then you’re really gonna hate this next part,” you chuckled, soaking a cloth in sterilizer. You slowly pressed the cloth onto the wound and he squirmed in pain. You pressed your other hand onto his stomach to hold him still, something that had become second nature to you. His breath was coming out in strangled groans and he squeezed his eyes closed, waiting for the pain to subside. You cleaned the wound as best as you could, dressed it, then turned your attention to his head.

“What was this?” you asked, moving his disheveled hair out of the way to inspect the damage.

“My droid, actually,” he snickered.

You raised a quizzical eyebrow at him but decided not to ask. “Well, the good news is, you don’t need stitches.”

“So I really -didn’t- need your help after all?”

“You still could have said no,” you scoffed, dabbing at the wound with a clean rag. “Are you gonna tell me why you’re breaking into infirmaries and avoiding patrols?”

“No,” he said simply, “But I will say thank you for helping me.”

“Can you at least tell me your name?” you asked.

“Cassian.”

“Y/N.”

“Well, thank you for the help, Y/N,” he said, sliding off of the counter top and wincing. “I’ll be going now.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “You’re from the Rebellion, aren’t you?”

“Not only is she a doctor, but also a detective.”

“Wanna know how I figured it out?”

“Not really.”

“I’ll tell you anyway. If you weren’t a Rebel, you wouldn’t have left without killing me first.”

“Who says I still won’t?” he smirked.

“You won’t,” you said, returning the smirk. “The Rebellion wouldn’t survive if I died, my mother would kill you all herself.”

“Is that so?” he said, “She sounds like someone I don’t want to mess with. Hope it doesn’t run in the family.”

Sounds of a patrol approaching the infirmary cut your conversation short.

“You should go,” you said, watching the door. “But you’re taking me with you.”

“Not happening,” he said.

“It wasn’t a question,” you hissed, keeping your voice low. “You still need me if you want to get out of here in one piece.” The footsteps in the hall grew distant and you both released sighs of relief.

“Why should I trust you?” he asked.

“I don’t… I don’t want to be here,” you explained, “I’d rather be anywhere else. I don’t care if you drop me off at the nearest planet, I can’t stay here anymore. I don’t expect you to trust me, but I’m trusting you.”

“What about your mother?” he asked, “If she’s who I think she is, won’t she tear the galaxy apart to find you?”

“That’s my problem, not yours.”

Cassian sighed and shook his head. “Fine. I get you out, but that’s it. After that, we’re through here.”

-

Before you escorted Cassian to his ship, you made a quick stop at your living quarters against his wishes. If you were really, truly going to leave, you weren’t going to leave with nothing but the clothes on your back. Luckily, you’d managed to avoid all patrols on your way, so you didn’t have to explain what you were doing. If anyone asked, you were taking him to your mother. You just hoped no one would try to take over and do it for you.

You were prepared for the day when you left, so much so that you’d had a bag packed and hidden under your bed for months. It made things move much quicker, much to Cassian’s relief. He contemplated slipping out while you weren’t looking, feeling like you were slowing him down. The fact that you were so prepared shocked him, and left him with a guilty feeling for thinking of leaving you. It was plain as day now that you weren’t lying about wanting to abandon the Empire, as much as he doubted you before.

Not before long you were helping Cassian into his ship while his droid scolded him.

“You’ve gone and gotten yourself shot again,” the droid said, “Excellent. I’ll inform the general of your untimely demise in advance.”

“I’m fine, now shut up so we can get out of here,” Cassian replied gruffly, waving away your attempt to help him to the pilot’s seat. The droid looked back and forth at the both of you, his circuits whirring.

“Who is this?” the droid asked, pointing to you and staring at Cassian.

“K2, this is Y/N. She helped me, so we’re helping her. Would you get up here already?”

“Fine,” K2-SO replied as he sauntered to the front of the ship, “But I don’t like her.”

“You don’t have to,” Cassian sighed, flipping some switches on the console.

“I hope you got what we came here for in the first place, Captain.”

“I did. Stop whining and let’s go.”

“You have no idea how lucky you are not to have been spotted yet,” you said as you took a seat.

“Guess it’s just my lucky day,” Cassian said, shooting you another charming smirk as the engine roared to life. He must have been right, because you departed from the Imperial Base without a hitch.

“I don’t see how getting shot makes you lucky, idiot,” K2 said.

The more Cassian thought about it, the more it unsettled him. He’d been scarily lucky that day. He managed to escape after being shot, you were the only person in the medical facility when he came in, you helped him instead of turning him in, neither of you had been caught while trying to escape, and no one found his ship.

Whatever the reason, he shook it off and tried not to think about it further.

You leaned back in your seat and closed your eyes, unsure of how you felt. On one hand, you were happy to have left. You’d wanted out for so long, it was only a matter of time before you up and left, and this was your chance to do it. That was a decision you would never come to regret, regardless of where it landed you.

On the other hand, you felt guilty. First your mother lost her husband, and now she was losing you, too.

“What exactly did you plan on doing with her?” you heard K2 say.

“We’re taking her back with us,” Cassian replied, “Someone at home will know what to do with her. Maybe they’ll let her stay. We can’t just drop her on a random planet and fly off.”

“I’m amazed you didn’t just kill her.”

“Yeah, me too.”

That was mildly unsettling.

You watched Cassian from your peripherals, and for the first time, you got a good look at him. Your heart shot into your throat and you swallowed it back down, cursing yourself for even humoring the idea of finding him attractive. That was the last thing you needed at the moment.

Looks like it was going to be a long ride.

Chapter Text

Gentle snoring echoed throughout the ship, but it only seemed to annoy one person. And that person wasn’t even really a person.

“May I kill her now?” K2 asked Cassian impatiently.

“I told you, we’re not killing her. We need her,” the captain replied.

“What could we possibly need her for?” K2 said, “Frankly, I think we should have dropped her on Hoth.”

Cassian sighed and glanced over his shoulder at you briefly. Once he was sure you were really asleep, he turned back to K2.

“I didn’t get the info we needed.”

“You what?!”

“Quiet, you’ll wake up Y/N.”

“We’re doomed,” K2 said, exasperated. “You’ve doomed us all, Captain Andor.”

“Relax,” Cassian laughed, “I got something better.”

“What do you mean you-” K2 stopped mid-sentence when he finally put the pieces together. “You weren’t really helping the girl, were you?”

“Partly,” Cassian said, “She did help me, but I had planned on killing her once we got back to the ship. Then I remembered that we had nothing to bring home, so…”

“Unbelievable,” K2 scoffed, as much as a droid could scoff.

“She’s the daughter of General Krie,” Cassian further explained, “If anyone knows anything, it’s her.”

“You say that like I don’t already know it,” K2 replied. “How exactly did you plan on getting the information from her? Bring her flowers? Seduce her? I’m sure she’d love that.”

Cassian didn’t respond.

“You are truly repulsive.”

“Look, what do you want from me?” Cassian snapped, “We’re stuck with her now. May as well use this to our advantage.”

“Chances of this failing are hilariously high, I hope you know that.”

“She’s too kind for her own good, I think it’ll work out fine.“

“It’s in the low 90′s.”

“I should have programmed a mute button on you.”

-

Someone was shaking you gently, mumbling something to you that you couldn’t make out. You tried to open your eyes but only found a blinding light, so you squeezed them shut again.

“Y/N, are you hearing me?”

“I hear you,” you groaned.

“Come on, you slept a lot of the trip. You can sleep more when we get inside.”

Your eyes popped open when you remembered your current situation. You were face to face with Cassian, with mere inches separating the two of you.

“Where are we?” you asked, rubbing your eyes.

“Yavin 4,” he answered with a smile, “Welcome to the rebel base, Doctor.”

“I’m a nurse,” you corrected him.

“Either way,” he said, “We should get you to bed, Y/N.”

“That’s the best idea you’ve ever had,” you chuckled, sitting up completely and stretching your arms above your head. Your neck popped and you let out the tiniest of shouts, the pain startling you.

“What is it?” Cassian asked, suddenly much closer.

“My neck,” you whined, rubbing the affected area tenderly.

Cassian sighed in relief. “I thought you were hurt.”

“Why are you so… nice all of the sudden?” you asked, his proximity giving you goosebumps.

“You’re one of us now,” he replied kindly, “You helped me, and for that, I owe you.”

“What happened to ‘after this, we’re done here’?” you asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I changed my mind,” he shrugged. Cassian stood and extended his hand to you, which you took cautiously. He pulled you up a little too forcefully, which sent you practically flying into his arms.

“Sorry,” he apologized with a smile, “Come on, I’ll show you around and then you can get some rest.”

“Sure,” you said, swallowing hard and forcing a smile. His change in behavior was vaguely suspicious, but at the same time, you’d rather have this version of him over the one you met the night before. The closeness was also a nice perk.

He helped you step down from the ship, despite your protests. If anything, you should have been helping him, you thought. He was the one who’d been shot. You were just wobbly from sleep.

The first thing you noticed was the color green. Green, everywhere, surrounding and consuming anything and everything. Lush forestry surrounded an enormous stone temple, vines and greenery clinging to the walls like glue. The air was damp and heavy, much to your dismay. You rolled up the sleeves of your shirt the moment the air hit your skin. Oh, this would be fun getting used to.

Cassian motioned for you to follow him and began walking toward the temple. You followed, unable to take your eyes off of the scenery around you. The trees seemed to stretch on forever and were the deepest shade of emerald. Life on a spaceship didn’t provide you with much to look at other than blank walls, so you were a little more than excited to be somewhere where the air wasn’t artificial.

Without realizing it you’d stopped in your tracks, completely enthralled by the environment. Cassian turned around to tell you to keep up, but was surprised to find you twenty feet back. You had your eyes to the sky and a small but bemused smile on your lips. For a moment, Cassian found himself getting lost as well, but not in the greenery. He watched you in fascination, his heart stopping when a drop of water fell from the treetops and landed on your face. You made a tiny noise that sounded something like a laugh then wiped the liquid from your cheek.

He shook his head and slapped himself mentally for getting distracted. He whistled once, catching your attention. He then made a gesture with his hands to follow him, and you picked up the pace. Your smile hadn’t faded all the while, not even once.

After catching up to Cassian, you started to speak but found your voice being drowned out by shouting. All soldiers on patrol surrounded the two of you, guns at the ready.

“Whoa!” Cassian shouted, throwing his hands in the air. “Put them down, she’s no threat to us.”

“She’s a filthy Imperial spy, that’s what she is,” one of the soldiers shouted, pointing his weapon directly at you. Your heart was hammering in your chest, threatening to burst from your rib cage at any second.

“I brought her here,” Cassian said, stepping between you and the gun. “She’s denounced the Empire. Leave her be.”

The soldiers hesitated at first, but eventually stood down. They stood there looking around at each other as if to ask with their eyes what had just happened.

“We’ll be having a big meeting later,” Cassian said, “We’ll explain everything then. Go about your business until then.”

The men dispersed slowly, keeping their eyes on you as they left. Their judgemental gaze was more than enough to make you feel small, both inside and out.

“Thanks,” you thanked Cassian softly. He turned to face you and felt his insides shrink at your expression.

“They’ll come to respect you, just give it time,” he said reassuringly.

“I don’t want their respect,” you said, “I just don’t want them to think I’m like my parents, that’s all.”

Cassian placed a comforting hand on your shoulder and squeezed. “Give it time.”

-

The next half hour was spent touring the base and avoiding eye contact at all costs. Though you were excited about being there, you felt like an outsider, and you weren’t used to that. You were used to being in charge, used to making other people feel small without even trying. At Yavin, it was quite the opposite.

After a while you began dragging your feet and your eyelids became heavy. your bag felt like it weighed a thousand pounds and it was killing your already aching back. As cool as the base was, you thought going to sleep sounded a lot cooler.

Cassian noticed your change in pace and thought it best to show you where you’d be staying. The living quarters weren’t too different from the rest of the temple, architectural-wise. It was, however, so far underground that the air had gone from warm to freezing in three minutes of walking down the stairs. You were clutching your torso, doing everything in your power to stop the shivering, but to no avail.

“Your room is at the end of this hallway. It’s been vacant for a while and barely anyone stays on this level, so I thought you’d like the privacy,” Cassian said, pointing to the room.

“Thanks,” you said, offering your best smile. He led you the rest of the way to your room, opened the door for you, and gestured for you to enter. You stepped inside the small room slowly, your eyes trailing over the walls and concrete floors. A bed and a dresser were the only furnishings, but you were just grateful to have anything at all.

You set your bag on top of the dresser and flopped onto the bed, sighing loudly as you hit the soft linens. You heard Cassian chuckle from the doorway.

“I’ll leave you to get situated,” he said, “I’m going to talk to Mon Mothma, see what I can do about getting you into Medical.”

You made a muffled sound of approval, heard another small laugh from Cassian, and felt yourself already drifting off to sleep.

“I’ll see you soon,” he said, shutting the door behind him as he left.

-

For the second time that day, you were being shaken awake by Cassian, his soft voice whispering inches from your ear. When you opened your eyes, the room was dark all but for a candle sitting on the dresser. It hadn’t been there earlier, so you wondered if Cassian had put it there. Or, maybe you were just too tired to notice it the first time. A pile of folded clothes sat next to the candle, and you knew for a fact that it hadn’t been there when you arrived.

“You need to get dressed,” Cassian said softly, “Everyone’s waiting to meet you.”

“I didn’t think anyone wanted to meet me,” you said, your voice still heavy with sleep.

“Well, they kind of don’t,” Cassian smiled, “They just need to be convinced that you’re not here to cause problems.”

You sighed and sat up then swung your legs over the side of the bed. “Guess there’s no putting it off. Let’s go.”

Cassian left the room and waited for you to change, the gentleman that he was. When you met him in the hall, he smiled at you, and led you back up the billions of stairs to the floor level. Everything seemed vaguely familiar, but not to the point where you could wander around alone and find your way. The idea of getting lost in the vast facility sent a chill up your spine.

The two of you entered what you recognized as what Cassian had called the “Temple Throneroom.” The large doors opened to reveal hundreds of rebels, all with their eyes on you. A long pathway stretched before you, leading up to a small set of stairs where some very important looking people were waiting.

You swallowed hard and kept your eyes trained forward. If there was anything you were good at, it was looking like you knew what you were doing, thanks to your familial status. You’d been to countless similar meetings with your mother, so it wasn’t hard to keep your head high and pretend that you had it all together.

The room fell silent as you and Cassian made your way toward the stairs, and it became increasingly difficult to keep your composure. These weren’t Stormtroopers, whose faces you couldn’t see, these were people. And they all looked like they wanted to throw you into a volcano. Cassian seemed to sense your discomfort and leaned over to you, whispering, “Everything will be fine, I promise.”

His words did little to slow your heartbeat but they did offer a false sense of security. You knew you were the most hated person in the room, but if Cassian could move past your roots, maybe everyone else could. The two of you ascended the stairs and you were face to face with people who were presumably in charge.

“Y/N, welcome to Yavin 4. We’re very pleased to hear that you’ve denounced the Empire to join us,” a woman with short brown hair said to you, her voice much kinder than you’d expected. “Captain Andor says you helped him escape from a mission that went sideways, is this true?”

“Yes,” you said, “Mostly. I helped him in the infirmary and forced him to take me with him. I… didn’t think he was going to bring me back here.”

The woman nodded, then turned to Cassian. “It’s a good thing he did. We could really use you in our cause.”

“Those of us that have a say have already decided to let you stay,” she went on, “But we would prefer it if our people were comfortable having you around. Would you mind helping them to understand?” She gestured to the large crowd of soldiers and smiled at you reassuringly.

You turned and faced the rebels, your throat having gone dry and your thoughts racing at a thousand miles an hour. You tried to think of what to say, but everything you came up with sounded horribly wrong. Cassian placed a hand on the middle of your back, met your gaze and nodded in encouragement.

The crowd was staring back at you expectantly and you scanned their faces. Some of them looked angry, some disappointed. You dropped your eyes and took a deep breath before beginning.

“I never wanted to be a part of the Empire,” you spoke loudly, “It was just something I was born into. I had no choice.”

Their faces looked unconvinced. Time to up the ante.

“I… I watched children die,” you said, your voice breaking, “Children that were being used as soldiers. Children that I couldn’t save. They’d been taken from their families to be turned into killing machines, and it made me sick every time I had to tell them not to think about their families. I told them they were making a brave sacrifice.”

“The Empire took my father from me,” you said, “My mother was beyond the point of changing her ways, but my father just wanted to do what was right. He thought that the Empire was right, and he may have died believing that. I was never fit to be a soldier, not like a Stormtrooper, or even like any of you. I was a disappointment to my mother, but my father had faith in me to do what I was meant to do.

“I think I understand what he meant now,” you went on, “I was meant to help, not hurt. I was better at stitching wounds than creating them. The Empire has taken so much from me, from all of us, and I couldn’t live with myself if I kept letting it happen.”

Cassian felt the pit of guilt in his stomach grow ten sizes. He was still going to go through with his plan to become close to you for the sole purpose of gaining information, though he felt guiltier about it now. You’d lost just as much as any of them, and you really were trying to do the right thing. Cassian wasn’t sure if he could say the same.

There was an applause among the crowd, and the woman from before placed her hand on your shoulder. She smiled, showing with her eyes that she trusted you. The gesture made you smile in turn, and for the first time since your father went missing, you felt like you had purpose. A good, honorable purpose.

“Welcome to the Rebellion, Y/N.”

The remainder of the evening was spent being introduced to what felt like hundreds of people. At some point you became separated from Cassian, not that you’d noticed. You were so busy socializing that you didn’t have time to even think about him. There were so many people asking you about what life was like being raised in the Empire, what your mother was like behind closed doors, what had happened to your father.

You opted not to say much, keeping any details to yourself. You stuck to vague but true answers to any question you were asked. If they were going to trust you, you were prepared to give them something to trust.

Cassian had slipped out to his ship, needing a moment to himself to think things over. There was no doubt in his mind; he would do whatever it took to get what he needed. The Rebellion relied on him for information and he fell short, he wasn’t about to give up on that promise. His dilemma was that he felt unbearably guilty. You’d lost so much, and you’d been brave enough to step away and do the right thing. And you were doing the right thing. Cassian wasn’t so sure about himself.

“Moping won’t make you feel better,” K2 said. He was standing at the open door of the ship while Cassian sat inside, a look of contemplation on his face.

“Nothing will make me feel better,” Cassian replied. He sat back in his seat and released a sigh, then ran a hand through his hair. He was at war with himself and he wasn’t sure how to end it.

“Perhaps you should reconsider your options,” K2 said.

“There are no other options, this is all I’ve got,” Cassian said, irritation in his voice. The droid stared at him for a few moments before responding.

“I’ll go find her and you can talk this aaall out,” he said sarcastically, “I’m sure that will make you feel better. And don’t worry, Captain, I won’t tell her about your plan.”

“K2, I swear on the stars-”

Before Cassian could stop him, the droid was already making his way back inside. Cassian dropped his head in his hands and groaned loudly. He sat there like that, shaking his head and cursing K-2SO under his breath. Leave it to him to make matters worse.

Ten minutes later, you were knocking on the side of his ship. “K2 told me you were out here, he said you needed to talk.”

“I tried to tell him not to bother you,” Cassian sighed into his hands.

“I don’t really mind,” you shrugged, “It was getting kind of overwhelming in there, anyway.” You stepped into the ship and sat next to him, the floor creaking beneath your feet. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing you need to worry about,” he said, raising his head and flashing you a brief smile.

“I did not walk all the way out here for you to tell me ‘not to worry about it’,” you said.

Cassian pulled his lower lip between his teeth and remembered K-2SO’s words. Maybe he should just tell you, try to clear his conscience and find a middle ground where everyone would end up happy.

There was no way that was going to happen. If you were anything like your mother, even a little, there would be no reasoning with something like that. Even if you’d joined the rebels, there still had to be something you couldn’t say. Some small piece of information that could destroy the Empire entirely. Cassian was determined to figure that out his way. You wouldn’t tell just anyone, it would be someone you trusted. He was prepared to gain that trust by any means possible.

“It’s just been a long day, that’s all,” he said, “Dealing with new arrivals is difficult enough as it is, you’re no exception.” He leaned over and nudged your shoulder with his own playfully, smiling all the while.

“It’s like you said earlier today, just give it time,” you replied, smiling back at him. You sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the sounds of the night and enjoying the company. Cassian was the first to speak again.

“I wanted to ask you,” he said, “What happened to your father?”

You shrugged. “I don’t know. One day he just… never came home. He was supposed to be on some secret, need-to-know kind of mission. I guess it didn’t go so well.”

“How long has it been?” Cassian asked.

“Almost three years,” you answered. You began to absentmindedly scratch at the skin covering your knuckles, a nervous habit you’d developed over time.

“I’m very sorry,” he said beside you, watching red marks begin to spread over the skin of your hand.

“Don’t be,” you said, “Whatever he was out there for, it was important. I just miss him, I always will.”

Cassian reached over and took your hand in his, preventing you from further hurting yourself with your nails.

“He’d be proud of you for doing the right thing,” he said, “He would be.”

“I have a really hard time believing that,” you half laughed, “My dad loved me, and he loved my mother, but… he loved the Empire more.”

“Then prove him wrong,” Cassian said, “Prove everyone wrong. Show everyone who you really are, not who your family wanted you to be. You’re more than what they gave you credit for, you just needed to find your place. And now you’ve found it, here, with me, and everyone in that building. Do right by them.”

Involuntary tears began welling in your eyes as he spoke. You turned in your seat and pulled him into an embrace, your arms circling around his shoulders and your face nestling into the crook of his neck.

“Thank you, Cassian,” you said, doing your best to keep your voice steady. Slowly but surely, his arms wrapped around your torso and he pulled you even closer.

“Of course,” he murmured into your hair.

He couldn’t deny it anymore. There was no escaping how he felt.

He was falling for you, and he was falling hard.

Chapter Text

It had been six days since you’d joined the Rebellion, and you were fitting in pretty well. The medical staff was welcoming and understanding, which you were grateful for. You were a nurse for the Empire, not a miracle-worker. They were patient with you and taught you a few things here and there, with minimal incident. Apparently, sharp objects bigger than a needle were not your forte, which explained why your attempt to stab Cassian with a scalpel had failed so miserably.

When you weren’t violently stabbing frogs in the medical facility, you were getting to know the rebels, most of which were beginning to trust you. There were, however, a few individuals that hadn’t quite warmed up to you yet. It was easy to tell who to talk to and who to avoid by facial expression alone. If someone was comfortable with you, they would smile and invite you to join a conversation. If someone met your gaze with daggers in their eyes, you knew not to bother them. Simple.

You’d already started making friends outside of Cassian. It was so much easier to interact with the rebels than it had been with your coworkers back home. The rebels, while seriously dedicated to their cause, didn’t mind a good laugh from time to time. Working with the doctors for the Empire was much more serious and intense in comparison. You weren’t used to being accepted so easily, and it was a wonderful change.

Even if you were making friends, Cassian was still the one person you sought out in a crowd. There was a sort of comfort that came with being around him, and you liked it, to say the least. You didn’t think you could ever feel that way with anyone else, not even your parents. It was the strangest feeling to be constantly drawn to him, like he was your safety blanket. In some ways he really was like a human safety blanket, always grabbing your hand when you looked nervous or muttering words of reassurance if he felt you needed it. Part of you wanted to believe he did all of these things because he had feelings for you, but the rational part of you passed it off as him thanking you for saving his ass.

Even still, it was nice to pretend.

The seventh night in the rebel base, you were awoken from a nightmare by a loud crash of thunder. That was also the night you discovered Cassian lived on the same floor that you did. It was shocking that he had even heard your abrupt scream over the storm, but he had, and he was at your door not even a full minute after you first shouted.

“What is it?” he asked, flustered, with his hair sticking up in a thousand different directions.

“It was just a dream,” you said, your voice hoarse and wavering. “I’m fine, I promise. Go back to bed.”

Cassian walked into your room and shut the door behind him. He yawned and climbed into your bed as if he’d done it a million times before. His arms wrapped around you and pulled you on top of him, your head resting on his chest. The sudden gesture had your heart pounding, but his was steady and beating against your ear. He seemed completely confident in his actions, like it was second nature to just waltz into someone’s room and snuggle up with them in the middle of the night.

“I’ll stay,” he said, his voice heavy with sleep. When you came to terms with the fact that he wasn’t leaving, you settled into his embrace, your nightmare having completely left your mind. You felt Cassian’s hand run up and down your back slowly, adding to your comfort. Soon you drifted off to sleep, and so did he.

When you woke in the morning, Cassian was still in your bed, but he was already awake. He was laying on his side next to you, looking at you with an endearing look on his face.

“How long have you been up?” you asked groggily, “And what time is it?”

“It’s early,” he replied, “And I’ve been up for a while. You talk in your sleep.”

“Good to know,” you said, sitting up and stretching your arms above your head. “I’ll try to cuss you out the next time you watch me sleep.”

“I look forward to it,” he chuckled.

You groaned as you stretched, then laid back down, already tired again. “What did I talk about?” you asked, glancing over at Cassian.

“You talked about mutilating frogs for a while,” he said, “But you talked about your father mostly. Something about almost shooting him with a blaster, I think?”

“I remember that,” you said, grinning at the memory. “He tried to teach me how to use one when I was 10. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking, and I just... started shooting. I couldn’t control the gun and almost shot my dad. He wasn’t even angry, he just started laughing and told me I needed to practice more.”

“He sounds like he was a good father,” Cassian said.

“He was,” you replied with a smile.

The two of you laid there for a while in silence, something you seemed to do a lot together. Sometimes there just wasn’t anything to say, and you were both perfectly comfortable not speaking, but being together. Cassian had slipped his hand into yours at some point and was running his thumb over the back of your hand.

“You should take the day off,” he said, breaking the silence.

“I dunno, I have a lot of really important frogs to dismember today,” you said jokingly.

“Something tells me they’ll still be there tomorrow,” he chuckled, sitting up. “The staff will understand if you take the day for yourself. Go get dressed, there’s something I want to show you.”

-

Apparently this “something” that Cassian was so adamant about showing you was really important, important enough to get you out of work for the day. When he began leading you into the thick woods outside of the temple, you instantly regretted agreeing to go with him. The air was unbearably damp from the storm, which made you break out in sweat in seconds. Five minutes into the humid forestry, you’d stripped off your jacket and hung it around your waist, leaving you in your tank top. So much for a relaxing day off.

It wasn’t too long of a trek, twenty minutes at most. Soon the ground began sloping downward and Cassian helped you over rocks and tree roots, and you were thankful he had. You were pretty sure if he hadn’t, you’d have fallen face first into the ground.

The path- if you could call it that at all- curved to the left and led into a clearing. The sound of rushing water filled the air the closer you got, and soon you saw a small waterfall leading into a body of water. The waterfall ran from a river and over large, dark boulders that were growing moss on their undersides. Several similar boulders framed the edges of the pond, some half submerged in the water, some just on the shore. The air seemed fresher, smelled earthier, and felt heavy with moisture. Small beads of sweat began forming on your forehead and you wiped them away with the back of your hand.

“We’re here,” Cassian said, turning to you and grinning. He continued leading you into the clearing and you took in your surroundings. The trees were the same, still towering seemingly miles above you and keeping the area shaded. The walls surrounding the clearing were the same dark rocks near the water, covered in greenery and moss and whatever else could survive there.

“How did you find this place?” you asked, following Cassian to the water.

“It wasn’t easy,” he replied, his voice echoing throughout the glade.

Cassian climbed on top of one of the boulders near the pond and offered you his hand, pulling you up with him. The two of you sat, once again, in silence, listening to the rushing water and chirping wildlife.

“Why’d you bring me here?” you asked after a few minutes of serenity.

“I come here when I get overwhelmed,” Cassian said, his eyes fixed on the waterfall. “I thought that after the night you had, you’d like some peace and quiet.”

You watched him carefully, taking in his physique as his words sunk in. He was thinking of you, your well being, your feelings. He’d done so much for you, and you suddenly felt like you owed him. You felt like you owed Cassian everything. Cassian, who could have killed you when he first met you, but didn’t. Cassian, who took you with him to safety despite the risk. Cassian, who encouraged and comforted you when you couldn’t hold yourself together.

That same invisible force from before was drawing you to him, and if you didn’t do something about it soon, you were going to lose your mind.

Giving into the attraction, you moved closer to him and placed a hand on the side of his face, turning it toward you and lingering there. He met your gaze and felt his heart skip a beat. The way you were looking at him was just screaming “kiss me, you idiot.”

His eyes began flickering back and forth from your lips to your eyes, and he couldn’t take it anymore. Cassian closed the gap between you, his lips pressing against yours and his eyes fluttering shut.

Each of your hands cupped the sides of his face as he kissed you sweetly. His arms circled all the way around your waist and pulled you in even closer, deepening the kiss in the process.

Between Cassian’s kisses and the sound of the waterfall in the background, you felt like you’d died and gone to heaven. Everything was so perfect and felt so right, two things you weren’t exactly familiar with.

So there you sat, kissing the man who’d tried to shoot you just days before, the man who had planned on taking advantage of you to get what he needed. That plan, however, was put through a metaphorical shredder the moment your lips met his.

Cassian didn’t need to pretend to adore you, because he already did.

Chapter Text

“Y/N, I have to leave.”

“So leave then.”

“What, no goodbye?”

“I’m tired, Cass. We were up late.”

“We’re always up late.”

“Which is exactly why you should let me sleep in.”

Cassian shifted behind you and you felt his arm wrap around your waist. He moved closer and pressed his body against yours, his warm breath hitting the back of your neck and sending goosebumps all across your skin. A pair of lips kissed from the base of your neck to your ear slowly and you welcomed the embrace, taking a deep breath through your nose and smiling.

Two months had passed since that day in the clearing, and things were a lot different than they were before. Not so much in your work, but in your personal and social life. Apparently, against his better judgement, Cassian told K-2SO about your kiss, which was a bad move. Thanks to his lack of a filter, the droid made jokes about it to anyone who would listen, being especially ruthless when either of you were around. Because of this, keeping your relationship a secret was completely out of the question.

It didn’t change how you treated each other, but it definitely made things around the base more difficult. Like all rumors, the news of your relationship spread like wildfire, and there wasn’t a single person who didn’t know you and Cassian were together. You were grateful that most of the rebels were mature, level-headed adults who didn’t care and minded their own business. There were, of course, a few people who couldn’t keep their mouths shut and made jokes from time to time. They were mostly harmless, but annoying nonetheless.

Even if everyone and their droid knew you were dating, Cassian still tried to keep the PDA to a minimum. There was no point in putting yourselves out there anymore than you already were, so you didn’t get much more than a wink or two from across the room during the day. Sometimes, if he was feeling particularly affectionate, he would sneak kisses from you in secluded hallways, or hold your hand under tables.

When you were alone, on the other hand, he didn’t try to hide it in the slightest. What he was lacking during the day he would seek out at night, whether that was a deep conversation, a heated make-out session, or something in between. You spent every single night together, seeing as though it was the only real time you had to be alone with each other. It became a habit to stay up far too late, which is exactly what you’d done the night before, and you regretted it every morning without fail.

“As much as I’d love to stay,” Cassian said after he’d finished pressing butterfly kisses to your neck, “I have a lot to do today.”

“Does any of it involve getting your girlfriend out of work?”

“Only if she wants to disassemble blasters and put them back together all day.”

“I’ll stick to IV training then.”

Cassian rolled out of bed and began putting on his boots as he spoke. “They’ve already got you doing IV’s?“

“Blood work, too,” you sighed, rolling over to face him. “I don’t like it. I stabbed someone four times the other day because I couldn’t find their stupid vein.”

“I’ll remember not to go in on your shift the next time I need blood taken, then.”

“Way to be supportive, jerk.”

“I do it out of love,” Cassian grinned. He stood from the bed and turned to press a kiss to the top of your head. “You’ll do fine. I’ll see you later tonight?”

“As always,” you said, smiling up at him. He left your room, pulling on his jacket as the door closed behind him. You rolled over and decided you deserved at least five more minutes of sleep before getting up for the day.

-

As per the usual, work was chaotic. You’d come to expect it at this point, if you were being honest. Not a day went by where you weren’t challenged physically and emotionally, and it was beginning to take a toll on you. Every time someone mentioned the words “IV” or “Syringe” you had a mini heart attack, and it was getting old quick. You wondered if you’d ever get used to it.

As if Cassian had predicted it, a blood drive was held that day, much to your dismay. Lucky for Cassian, he was too busy to donate blood. At least that prediction hadn’t come true. You’d just finished up with the last donor and you were still washing your hands when K-2SO came into the infirmary.

“Y/N,” he said as he approached you.

“Hey, what’s going on?” you asked, shooting the droid a smile and drying off your hands.

“Cassian is looking for you,” he replied, “I’m here to take you to him.”

“Oh,” you said, “Um, alright, lead the way.”

You followed the towering droid, feeling exceptionally small as you walked beside him. He took much larger strides than you did, so you had to power walk just to keep up.

“Did he say why he was looking for me?” you asked, beginning to lose your breath.

“No. He doesn’t tell me much these days,” he said in a sarcastic tone.

“Is that... my fault?” you questioned.

“If you want my opinion, yes,” he said simply, “But he likes you, so I am trying to as well.”

“You don’t have to pretend to like me if you don’t, K.”

“Cassian cares for you. If he does, then so do I.”

“Thanks, I think.”

K-2SO, having abandoned your little chat, led you outside to Cassian’s U-Wing where he was waiting. He was leaning against the side of the ship, his arms folded across his chest and his jacket thrown over his shoulder. A gentle breeze blew his hair about his face and the sunlight brought out his highlights, making him look much more handsome than usual, as if that were even possible.

“You’re sure you don’t want me to come with?” K asked as you approached.

“We’ll be fine,” Cassian answered, climbing into his ship and offering you his hand to pull you up.

”Y/N,” you heard K2 say, locking eyes with you. “Be careful.”

You nodded, his statement making your stomach turn over. “Always am.”

After helping you into the ship, Cassian shot his friend a warning glance, knowing exactly what he was talking about.

He hadn’t been very convinced that Cassian was actually with you. K-2SO gave him all sorts of hell for leading you on, even though he wasn’t. Cassian was reminded every day of his guilt, and K wasn’t exactly helpful of that. It ate him up inside, knowing that he was prepared to use you to his advantage. He knew it was wrong to keep it from you, and he probably should have told you when you began seeing each other officially. The problem was, he just didn’t have the heart to tell you. It would crush you, and he knew that, so a secret it remained.

K-2SO watched as the door closed behind the two of you before mumbling, “Irresponsible,” and wandering away.

“Is he okay?” you asked once the doors shut.

“He’ll be fine,” Cassian said, “He just gets jealous sometimes. I wouldn’t worry about it too much.”

“Jealous of..?” you trailed off.

He smiled and kissed your cheek. “You.”

-

“I think K should have come with us,” you said nervously from the other pilot’s seat, “He’s way more qualified for this than I am.”

“I told you, all you have to do is flip that switch when I tell you to and I’ll take care of everything else,” Cassian said.

“Where are we even going?” you asked.

“You’ll see when we get there. You’ll love it, I promise. Flip the switch.”

“That’s pretty vague, even for you, Cass.”

“The switch, Y/N.”

“Right, sorry.”

It had been nearly half an hour since you’d first left and you were growing impatient. You silently wondered what the deal was with Cassian and secret surprises. First it was the clearing, and now this. It made you curious about what else he had up his sleeve.

The ship came to a stop and idled. Beside you Cassian unhooked his safety restraints and stepped down from the cockpit, so you did the same, with his help, of course. He knew you didn’t need it, but that wasn’t about to stop him. It helped eased his conscience to do little things like that, even if it was annoying from time to time. You’d told him a million times that you didn’t need him to open every single door for you, or that you could put on a jacket without his help, but he never listened. It was sweet, in its own way.

“So, where are we?” you asked, taking his hand and stepping down from the platform.

“Nowhere in particular,” he said, offering you a grin. “Close your eyes.”

You cocked an eyebrow at him but complied, then followed as he carefully led you into the back of the ship. He sat you down in one of the seats and sat on your right side, still grinning like an idiot.

“Okay, open your eyes.”

When you did, you weren’t completely sure what you were looking at. A large, sparkling cloud of purple and sapphire dust stretched in front of the window, seemingly far away, but close enough to touch at the same time. What looked like red veins framed the nebula, adding a whole new dimension to the scene. The cloud cast a faint, violet glow on the inside of the ship, making everything inside look far more beautiful than it actually was.

”I don’t see these very often,” Cassian said, “But I passed this one the last time I was out here and had to show you.”

“So this wasn’t just your way of getting me alone?” you joked, nudging him with your shoulder playfully.

“Well, there’s that too,” he chuckled, nudging you back.

That same comfortable silence settled in as you gazed out the window together, taking in the beauty of the galaxy. Minutes passed and you watched in amazement as the cloud shifted and changed shades. You whispered a hushed “wow” and Cassian smirked, having just thought the same thing.

He wasn’t focused on the nebula, though. He’d started watching you instead, finding himself much more bewitched by your expression than the mist outside the window. Your comment from earlier flashed in his mind and he was reminded that you were completely alone together, with no distractions and no interruptions. There was no threat of anyone walking in on you, none whatsoever. The thought made him shiver.

He placed his left hand just above your knee and let his thumb stroke the area lazily. No going back now.

You tore your gaze from the scenery to look down at his hand, your eyebrows drawn together. When you turned to ask him what he was doing, your expression softened and realization hit you. You knew exactly what he was doing, just based on the wanton look in his eye.

Any open space between you became nonexistent as Cassian pressed his lips against yours. He wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you onto his lap without breaking the kiss, both of your legs on either side of his body. One of his hands slid up the back of your shirt gradually, the feeling of his fingers against your warm skin sending a tremor through your veins. Your shirt was removed and tossed to the side, leaving you bare in front of him.

His eyes- as well as his hands- trailed over your exposed torso, making a mental map of every scar, birth mark, and freckle. Naturally, you felt the urge to cover yourself again, your skin flushing pink from your cheeks to your nose and stopping at your ears. Sensing your discomfort, Cassian took your chin between his thumb and forefinger and locked his eyes with yours.

“You don’t need to be nervous,” he said softly, “I want you as you are.”

With your confidence restored, you reattached your lips to his and draped your arms over his shoulders, your fingers becoming lost in his hair. You felt him smile into the kiss as he stood with you in his arms, laying you down on the floor and his hips colliding with yours. He abandoned your lips to pressed open-mouthed kisses from your ear to your collarbone, the act making your head spin. He undid the button on your jeans with the zipper following soon after and continued to mark your neck with his lips, something you’d have to scold him for later.

As he slid his hand into your trousers, his middle finger brushed that especially sensitive bundle of nerves in just the right way. You whined and squirmed against his touch, your hips lifting off the ground involuntarily. Cassian caught on and caressed the spot once more, a little more forcefully this time.

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” he murmured into your ear. His hot breath against your neck paired with the wonders he was doing to your clit was making it incredibly difficult to focus on anything but finding release, but you managed to form words anyway.

“Do not stop,” you said, your throat having gone dry. Cassian chuckled darkly, the sound sending a spark straight down your spine.

“I won’t.”

His finger picked up the pace by a fraction and he leaned in to kiss your lips, swallowing the moans you began emitting as he brought you closer and closer to the edge. His movements were slow but firm, like he was trying to draw out your pleasure as long as he possibly could. It was driving you crazy, to say the least.

He abandoned your clit to explore your entrance, coating his fingers in your fluids before slipping one inside of you carefully. You gripped his bicep as he did this, waiting for your body to adjust to the feeling before relaxing and releasing a sigh.

“Is this alright?” he asked, looking into your eyes.

You nodded in response, unable to find your voice. He began moving the digit in and out of you slowly while he reattached his lips to your neck, the tip of his tongue hitting your skin every so often and making you shudder in delight. The pressure in your abdomen began steadily building again as he worked you, your hips grinding down against his hand in an attempt to create more friction. His thumb applied pressure to your clit once again, making you gasp and constrict around his fingers more tightly.

“Try not to break my fingers, please,” he said jokingly against your neck.

“Seriously?” you quipped, “Of all things to say, Cassian.”

“I’m sorry,” he laughed, “Let me make it up to you.”

His fingers thrust deeper inside you and his thumb began rubbing harsh circles, all gentleness abandoned. You swore loudly, the sudden change in pace catching you off guard. Soon he had you reduced to a moaning puddle beneath him, your body reacting to his movements instinctively and your mouth hanging open to release sounds of approval, be them whimpers, gasps, or curses. Every reaction you gave incited him to bring you closer to the brink, but he underestimated just how close you really were. By a lot.

The first one hit you strongly and unexpectedly. You tried to warn Cassian, but it was so suddenly upon you that you didn’t have time to. You cried out and threw your head backwards, the abrupt, intense pleasure taking you by surprise. He coaxed your orgasm out of you, maintaining the same speed and rhythm he’d built up. Once your moans turned into labored breathing and your body went slack, he removed his fingers as gently as he could.

“You’re louder than I thought you would be,” Cassian said, smiling at you playfully. “We would have been caught if we tried to do this back home.”

“Did you want me to be quieter?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Thought so.”

The remainders of your clothing were stripped away between sweet, brief kisses and gentle laughter. Once fully exposed to one another, Cassian hovered above you, a smile on his lips and a hunger in his eyes.

“I love you more than anything,” he whispered as he toyed with a strand of your hair.

Though your heart was already beating faster than it ever had before, it somehow managed to beat even faster as his words hung in the air. Neither of you had said it yet, so the gravity of the statement was pretty heavy. Nevertheless, you figured it was as good a time as any to drop the L bomb.

“I love you, too,” you replied, your voice soft but full of meaning.

“You’re positive that this is what you want?” he asked, suddenly serious.

“One hundred percent,” you answered with a nod.

Cassian smiled and captured your lips in a single kiss before positioning himself. He slid into you easily, your core still slick from your earlier orgasm. Even so, he took his time, letting you adjust to his length and watching your expression for any signs of discomfort. It was taking everything in his power to not thrust into you in one fluid motion, but the last thing he wanted to do was hurt you. Luckily, you were just as aroused as he was, so there was little to no pain as he slipped past your entrance.

Once he was fully situated inside of you, you both released the air you’d been holding in your lungs. You were still sensitive, but not enough for it to hurt when his thumb found your clit for the third time. If he’d learned anything, it was that the clitoris is a powerful part of female anatomy that was a force to be reckoned with, so he used that newfound knowledge to his advantage.

Cassian began rolling his hips against yours, gliding in and out of you with ease. You were getting drunk on the low growls that he made with every calculated thrust, each one making your head swim. His thumb gave attention to your clit while he kept the pace building. His movements were slow at first, but soon you were both too hellbent on release to bother keeping a steady rhythm. At this rate, neither of you were going to last very long.

That same pressure from before had returned and every thrust drove you closer to the breaking point. Every muscle in your body was on fire in the best possible way. The faster he moved his thumb and his hips, the faster your body reacted. No matter how hard you tried to hold out, you couldn’t seem to keep the waves at bay and they just kept crashing over you.

Not before long, your body and mind both became overwhelmed and you couldn’t hold on anymore. “Cassian-”

“I know,” he said, his voice just as breathless. “It’s alright, go on.”

You came undone for the second time, the intensity of your orgasm making your ears ring. Wave after wave of pleasure pulsed through your body like currents of static electricity. Your head fell backwards as strangled moans and obscenities left your lips, all of which were music to Cassian’s ears. He groaned when he felt your nails dig into the flesh of his shoulders, leaving harsh, red crescents in their wake.

Cassian soon came tumbling after like clockwork, joining you in the throes of bliss. The sounds that came out of his mouth were purely sinful. His body trembled as he unraveled alongside you, his head falling forward and his eyes squeezing shut as he rode out his high.

Once you both came back to reality, neither of you wanted to move, your breath mingling and your bodies covered in a thin layer of sweat. You cracked a breathless smile and let your eyes flutter closed as he pressed his forehead against yours. The air around you was hot and thick and definitely didn’t help the whole dripping-in-sweat thing, but you were past the point of caring. All you cared about was regaining your composure after that brush with ecstasy.

“We should probably get back,” Cassian mumbled.

“Or we could just stay here forever,” you said jokingly.

He chuckled and kissed the tip of your nose. “If only.”

-

When you returned to Yavin, the sun had already set and had been replaced with a light rainstorm. The clouds made it difficult for Cassian to find his way back to the temple, but he managed, with minimal cursing, of course. If you had crashed, at least it wouldn’t have been your fault. All you had to do was flip one switch.

Cassian helped you down from the ship, his arm lingering around your waist after your feet hit the ground. He removed his jacket and placed it over your shoulders, so you slipped your arms inside the sleeves and thanked him with a kiss to his cheek. The doors closed behind you with a hiss and you began walking back together, the earth squishing beneath your boots and splashing cold water onto your jeans with every step you took. You didn’t get very far before you were approached by one of the medical staff who had a very concerned look on her face.

“Y/N, I know you’re off the clock but we really need your help,” she said, sounding exasperated.

“What happened?” you asked, pulling away from Cassian.

“I’ll explain on the way, come on.”

“I’ll see you later,” you called over your shoulder as you were dragged away, to which Cassian responded with a small wave.

He stood there for a while, his hands shoved in his pockets as he watched you wander away. A chill shook his body as the cold rain hit his skin, reminding him that you still had his jacket. At that, he began his own trek back to the temple, during which K-2SO joined him.

“I assume it went well?” he asked, walking alongside Cassian.

“It went very well,” he said, eyes trained forward and a permanent smile on his face.

“Cassian,” K said, stopping in his tracks. “I care very deeply for you and do not want this to go on any longer. You’re going to get yourself hurt.”

“How many times do we have to discuss this?” Cassian said impatiently, “I’m not faking it.”

“No, maybe not,” he replied, “But you still have yet to disclose your previous intentions. When she finds out, she’ll never forgive you, and you’ll never forgive yourself.”

“She won’t find out,” Cassian sighed, turning and walking away.

“If you don’t tell her,” K-2SO called after him, “I will.”

Chapter Text

True to his word, K-2SO was making an effort to “like” you, hard as it was. He was constantly apologizing whenever he made a snide remark, which would be nice if he would stop making them all together. Silver linings, you figured.

You found it pretty strange, though. It was like you were seeing more of the droid than you were of Cassian, but you passed it off as work getting in the way. He’d been especially busy lately so it was impossible to see each other for more than a few minutes at a time. Strangely, K wasn’t nearly as busy, so he kept you company whenever he felt the need. More often than not, he had messages from Cassian to deliver to you, which he hated reciting back. You, on the other hand, thought it was adorable.

“There’s something different about you, Y/N,” K2 said as he walked beside you.

“Different how?” you asked, power walking to keep up, like always.

“You’re glowing,” he replied simply, “Are you pregnant?”

You stopped dead in your tracks.

“I assumed that’s something you and Cassian have been up to. If I’m wrong, please correct me,” he went on.

You held up your hand to stop him. “No, you’re not wrong. I just... I don’t feel pregnant,” you said, looking down at your stomach.

“That may be something to consider,” he said.

“I’m not pregnant, K.”

“I still look forward to being an uncle someday.”

You rolled your eyes and opened the door to the infirmary. “I’ll see you later today. Give Cass my best, okay?”

“Before you go,” he said, making you halt your movements. “There’s something very important I need to tell you.”

You looked between him and the medical bay, trying to gauge how much time you could get away with. It was relatively empty that morning so you decided to humor him.

“Okay,” you said, letting the door shut. “Tell me.”

“When you first met Cassian,” he began, “He tried to kill you, didn’t he?”

You shrugged. “Kind of. He basically shoved a blaster in my face, so...”

“He was going to kill you when you returned him to me,” K said abruptly, “He changed his mind when he realized he’d forgotten the Intel we were there to gather.”

“Wait, what?” you asked, half chuckling at the statement. He had to be joking.

“He planned to gain the Empire’s secrets through you, because we were empty handed.”

Your eyebrows drew together as you tried to make sense of his words. Your Cassian, the man you’d fallen so deeply in love with, had lied to you from the start? If that really were the case, who was to say it wasn’t all a lie?

“However, he changed his mind again, that indecisive idiot. Cassian loves you, he never lets me forget. It’s quite disgusting at times,” he continued, “But he hid the truth from you to spare your feelings. I thought you should know if you’re really serious about him.”

“Thanks for telling me, K,” you said, lost in your thoughts. You turned to walk away when he stopped you again.

“Please, don’t hurt him,” he said, “He may be an idiot, but he is still my friend.”

You nodded and entered the infirmary, your mind racing. Needless to say, the whole conversation left you uneasy and made it hard to focus on your work. Doing the best you could didn’t seem to be cutting it, but it was all you could do not to dash out of the room to ask Cassian for the truth.

The way you saw it, when you did confront him, there would be hell to pay.

-

By the end of the day, you were itching the leave work to find out what was really going on. You believed K2, he wouldn’t lie to you like that. He was physically incapable of it, actually. Because of this, you began to question your judgement of Cassian and if you’d rushed into things too quickly with someone you barely knew.

He greeted you with his classic smile and embrace, both of which you returned half-heartedly. Sensing your discomfort, he grabbed you by the shoulders and caught your gaze.

“Are you alright?” he asked, searching your face for answers.

“I need to talk to you about something,” you said, swallowing the rock in your throat. “It’s important.”

Cassian nodded and led you back to the living quarters, his own anxiousness growing as well. The silence that accompanied the walk made him uncomfortable and suspicious. K-2SO wouldn’t have told you, he thought to himself. There was no way he would actually do that, not to him.

Right?

The door to your bedroom shut behind you and you took a deep breath, running both hands through your hair and letting them stop at the base of your neck. Your eyes were dropped to the floor and Cassian watched you pace, so he leaned his back against the wall and waited for you to begin.

“K told me something this morning,” you said, sitting on the edge of your bed.

Cassian felt his heart drop from his chest to his foot and onto the floor.

“He said that you really were going to kill me when we first met,” you continued, “Then that you changed your mind and wanted to get information out of me, since...”

“Since your mother is an Imperial General,” he ended your sentence for you.

You nodded and stared down at your hands. “Was he lying?”

He sighed and looked around the room, at anything and everything that wasn’t you. “No.”

“How long were you pretending?” you asked, your voice and hands shaking.

“One day.”

“Don’t lie to me, Cassian, please.”

“I’m not,” he said, moving to stand in front of you. “I fell in love with you in one day, barely even that.”

You sighed and dropped your head into your hands, your fingers massaging your forehead to keep the oncoming headache at bay. “I can’t believe this.”

“I should have told you,” Cassian sighed shakily, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I knew this would happen.”

A tense and deafening silence fell over the room as the two of you organized your thoughts. You thought for sure he could hear your heart racing in your chest through the silence, considering how loud it was in your ears. He couldn’t, because his was just as loud. The world could have been ending and neither of you would have heard it.

“How can I make this right?” he asked softly.

“I don’t think you can,” you replied, “Why couldn’t you have just said something? I would have understood, Cassian. Why did you have to lie to me?”

“I didn’t lie,” he stuttered, kneeling down in front of you. “I just... didn’t tell you the whole truth. I couldn’t, it would have crushed you.”

“I have been used my entire life,” you began, emphasizing your words. “I have been lied to, taken advantage of, made to feel small and insignificant and like I didn’t matter. You made me feel like I was more than what the galaxy thought I was. For the first time since my dad disappeared, I didn’t feel hopeless. Now I’m losing everything all over again because you don’t know how to communicate.”

Cassian sighed and ran a trembling hand through his hair. “You’re not the only one who’s losing something here.”

“That’s your own fault,” you hissed, narrowing your eyes at him. “I didn’t ask for this.”

He dropped his gaze to the floor and stood. “I know you didn’t.”

“Then why keep it from me?” you asked, “Look at me, Cass. Look me in the eye and tell me I deserved this.”

When his eyes locked with yours you felt your insides collapse in on themselves. It was a look you’d seen only once before that shook you to the core. It was the same look he had on his face when he stumbled into the infirmary and pointed a gun in your face. That same pained, angered, and afraid expression.

“You didn’t deserve any of this.”

“Then tell me why.”

He stepped closer, so you stood to match his height. His face was mere inches from yours as he spoke. “I never told you because I loved you enough to spare you the pain. You’d lost enough, and I was going to take even more from you. Be glad I changed my mind.”

“Now you want me to thank you?” you scoffed, pushing him back gently. “All you did was delay the pain, Cassian. It would have hurt less if you’d told me before any of this started.”

“So help me make it right,” he said, his tone softening. “Let me fix this, Y/N. I can’t lose you.”

“You want to fix it? Fine,” you said, pushing past him toward the door. “You can fix it by leaving me the hell alone.”

Cassian stared at you in shock, his heart hammering in his chest and his lungs malfunctioning. His worst nightmares were coming to life right in front of his eyes and he couldn’t stop them, try as he did.

There was no question about it. You wouldn’t forgive him, just as he’d predicted.

You opened the door and looked at him expectantly. Hesitantly, he began to leave, but not before leaning in and whispering a final, “I love you,” followed by an, “I’m sorry.”

Once he was gone, you laid in your bed, face down in your pillow and trying to piece your sanity back together. It was hard to tell where the pain began and the anger ended, so all of it melded together into one big haze of tears and tremors. You began to question whether or not you’d made the right choice as you slipped under your covers, the tears on your cheeks growing cold.

Was it really worth it? Was it really worth losing the man whom you loved and who was your only friend over? The line between right and wrong became blurry as you laid there in silence. Taking in shallow breaths and placing your hand on your abdomen, memories of your conversation with K-2SO that morning flooding your already troubled mind

If there was the chance that you were pregnant- which was very likely- it would need to be verified and addressed. You’d have to tell Cassian you were carrying his child, and you just weren’t prepare for that. A sick feeling settled in your gut as you imagined the outcome. You shook the thought from your head and turned onto your side, pulling your sheets up past your mouth and taking a deep breath through your nose. Things would only get worse, there was no denying that. At very least, you could get even a sliver of sleep while you still could, so you did.

When the door slammed shut behind him, Cassian truly felt the gravity of the situation weigh down on his shoulders. He’d finally found someone he could trust and open up to, and he ruined it, as always. There had to be something he could do to win back your trust, and he was determined to figure out what that something was.

An idea flashed into his mind as he wandered the halls. It was a glimmer of an idea that relied on odds that were against him, but it was the best he had. If he could pull it off, there would be no doubt in your mind that he could be trusted. As quickly as he could, he made his way up the stairs and into the meeting room where he found several of the rebel leaders, all of which gave him a disapproving look as he burst into the room.

“Captain Andor, this is a private meeting, what are you-”

“I need everything we have on Y/N’s father.”

Chapter Text

“I’ll never get it right,” you groaned, tossing the blaster to the side. The sound it made when it hit the concrete and skidded to a stop made you wince.

“These things take time,” your father replied, picking the gun up off the floor. At least you knew how the safety worked. “You’ll get the hang of it.”

“Dad, I thought we gave up on this stuff,” you sighed, “I’ve never been good at this, and I like working with the doctors. I don’t want to be a soldier.”

“I just want to sleep better knowing you can protect yourself, that’s all,” he replied, ruffling your hair. “I won’t always be around to kill the Space Slug under your bed.”

“Okay, I was five, and there was definitely something under there,” you laughed.

“I know there was, I killed it every night for two years,” he smiled, pulling you into a hug and planting a kiss to the side of your head. “Keep trying. It’s important to your mother and I that you can take care of yourself.”

You rolled your eyes and returned the hug, grimacing against the rough material of his jacket. No matter how many times you and your mother told him it looked ridiculous, he continued to wear it. In his head, powder blue was his color, and worn-out leather looked great on anybody. He was terribly mistaken.

“Sir?” someone said from the other end of the training room. “We’re ready for you now.”

“I’ll be right there,” your father replied, releasing you. “I’ll see you around, kiddo.”

It suddenly hit you that this was the last you would ever see of him. You tried to scream, to tell him to stop and stay, but no sound came out. Your lungs felt like they were filling with cotton, preventing you from speaking and suffocating you. He continued to walk away from you, having no idea that he would never see you again. You tried to run to him, but your legs felt like they weighed a thousand pounds and you couldn’t catch up to him. The moment the doors closed behind him with a loud thud, everything went dark.

-

You woke with a start, your instant reaction to reach for Cassian, but all you found was empty space. Your chest rose and fell at an alarming rate as you tried to come back into reality. The sheets had tangled themselves around your feet like boa constrictors and you kicked them away angrily, fully sitting up and pulling your knees into your chest.

It was always the same dream. It never changed, every single details stayed exactly as it had been that day. The only difference from the real thing was the realization toward the end, the moment when you try to stop him and can’t. That was the worst part; it was always the worst part.

Angry and saddened tears rolled down your cheeks, but you stayed silent. You were too drained to have a good sobbing session at the moment. All you wanted to do was let it all out through a few tears, then try to find a way to distract yourself. If Cassian had been there, he would have known exactly what to do to help.

He’d been gone for a week, no word on where he was or when he would be back. No one knew anything, or at least, that’s what they claimed. During your time apart, you’d begun to seriously worry about him, even if you were still upset with him. Because of your stress, your nightmares began coming back in full force.

If that wasn’t enough to deal with, you were also seriously convinced that you were pregnant. When you weren’t emptying the contents of your stomach, you were extremely agitated and on edge, and all you ever wanted to do was sleep. It could have been nothing, you figured, but it also could have been something, and you needed answers.

But first, you needed to take a walk.

Once you fully grasped reality, you crawled out of bed, your bare feet hitting the cold floor and sending a chill up your legs. You pulled on your shoes and slung your jacket over your shoulder then exited your room, walking down the hall as quietly as you could.

It had to have been early in the morning, because the temple was basically a ghost town. Only a few people were awake, mostly those whose jobs started earlier than others, and then there was you. A group was sitting at a table in the cafeteria when you entered, steam rising from the mugs of coffee in front of them. They glanced over at you when you walked in and grabbed an apple, placed it in your mouth, and pulled on your jacket. You were too tired to care about how silly you looked with an entire apple hanging out of your mouth; it was cold and you just wanted to go for a walk.

“Hey,” someone in the group said, “Where’s your boy at?”

With your back turned to them, you let your shoulders slump and you took the apple out of your mouth. Your exchange from the previous week flashed through your mind, causing an uneasy feeling to settle in the pit of your stomach. You turned on your heel and faced the group, striding over as casually as you could.

“Haven’t seen him since last week, I don’t know where he is,” you said, taking a bite from your apple. Maybe you should have looked as you did, you thought, because you bit straight into a bruise.

“That’s too bad,” he replied with a smirk, “Which one of you broke it off? Was the sex getting bad?”

You narrowed your eyes at his comment, your blood boiling in your veins. “Do you think that’s funny?”

“I take it that’s a yes,” he chuckled, nudging the person next to him. They didn’t respond, their eyes trained forward.

“Knock it off, man,” one of the others said, shooting him a warning glance. “She’s Cassian’s girl, he’d skin you alive if he heard you talking to her like that.”

“I’m no one’s ‘girl’,” you spat, “I’m my own person, Cassian doesn’t fucking own me.”

They all exchanged glances, but not the guy from before. He had his head held high, like he had something to be proud of. You wanted to punch the smirk right off of his face.

“Not the first time Andor’s had a hard time keeping a girl around,” he said under his breath, taking a sip from his coffee. “I guess the sex is that bad.”

“Like you could do any better,” you scoffed, shifting your weight. “How often are you getting laid, exactly? Because I’m getting laid twice a week, and I’m pretty sure Cass is better at giving head than twelve of you combined.”

You must have struck a nerve, because he stood from his seat, his expression having gone sour. He moved in front of you and towered over you, looking down at you like a bug. Refusing to let him intimidate you, you held your ground, mirroring his glare. Without warning, his fist connected with your stomach, knocking the wind out of you. You doubled over and stumbled back, holding your abdomen and trying to get your bearings.

He came at you and you looked up just in time to react, holding out your arms and shoving him back before he could come any closer. As he tried to register what had happened, you punched him in the gut as hard as you possibly could, and when he doubled over, you cracked him across the jaw.

Caught up in the shock of your own actions, and the throbbing in your hand, you didn’t have time to notice that he’d gotten up quickly and was already going for another hit. Luck was on your side, it seemed, when K-2SO appeared out of thin air to save the day.

He caught the man’s wrist mid-air and lifted him off of the ground with ease, looking him over curiously. “Cassian isn’t here, so I’ll have to take care of you myself,” he said, holding him up with iron grasp as he wiggled.

You gasped and covered your mouth with your hand at the sound of bones crushing and screams of anguish as K2 broke the man’s wrist and dropped him to the floor where he landed in a heap. “If you’d like for the rest of your bones to remain in tact, I’d ask that you keep your distance.”

Members of the group were at his side, helping him up and starting to pull him away before he could do anymore damage. You watched with wide eyes as the scene unfolded, then turned your attention to K.

“Dude,” you said in a breathless voice.

“I know that you have your reasons for distancing yourself from Cassian,” he said, turning to face you. “But he’s asked me to look after you during his absence, and I intend to.”

“You knew he was going to leave?” you asked in disbelief, “Where did he go? When is he coming back?”

“I’m afraid I can’t say,” he said, “He refused to tell me.”

You groaned as your stomach made a noise of discomfort and you leaned over, anchoring yourself on a nearby table with your hand. Without even looking you could tell there was already a bruise forming.

“You’re going to need medical assistance,” he said, “Follow me.”

-

You sat impatiently, bouncing your leg as you waited for the doctor to return with the results of your pregnancy test. It was agony; sitting there in silence, not knowing how much longer you had to wait before you were given an answer. You wondered what Cassian would have been doing if he was there with you.

The doctor entered the room with a clipboard in his hands, looking up at you and the droid sitting next to you.

“The good news is, you’re not pregnant, and you didn’t break your hand,” he said, shooting you a friendly smile.

The words rang in your ears and angels sang. You weren’t pregnant.

“The bad news is, you’ve worried yourself sick,” he went on, “The bruise will disappear with time, but that’s the least of your problems. An ulcer is forming on the inner lining of your stomach. Nothing some antacids can’t help, but you need to stop stressing yourself out so much if you want it to go away. Take some time off to decompress so your body can heal.”

“I can’t just abandon my responsibilities because of a stomach ache,” you protested, moving to the edge of your seat.

“It isn’t just a stomach ache, it’s much more serious than that. Take time off. Doctor’s orders.”

He left the room and you sighed in relief, leaning back in your chair. Okay, no baby, but you were sick. Sick because you were worried about Cassian. To be fair, the last time someone you loved left without saying goodbye, they didn’t come back, so you had every right to worry about him.

And you did love him, even after everything. When you love someone like you loved Cassian, those feelings don’t just disappear when something goes wrong. While part of you wanted to punch him in the face, the more rational part of you knew that it wouldn’t make you feel any better. The only thing that would make you feel better was sorting things out, even if you were the one who told him to stay away.

You could fix things, you knew you could. He just needed to get his ass home.

“Unfortunate,” K said as the doctor left, “Cassian’s always wanted to be a father.”

“I never really pegged him as a family man,” you chuckled.

“It’s one of his biggest aspirations, actually,” he said in a matter-of-fact tone, “He’s always liked the idea of having children, as long as I’ve known him, at least.”

An image of Cassian cradling an infant crossed your mind and you found yourself smiling. You could see him doing all kinds of things, from singing a baby to sleep, to rough-housing with a toddler, to patting a teenager on the back with pride. The warm feeling in your chest was replaced by an ache and you forced the images out of your mind.

The two of you left the medbay, but not before passing the man from that morning. He was sitting in the waiting room, cradling his wrist and glaring up at you both as you walked by. K took a moment to lock eyes with him before continuing on his way, making you smile. At least you had K to look after you, even if it was on Cassian’s orders.

You stopped at the top of the staircase leading into the living quarters and turned to K. “I think I’m gonna go for a walk, actually,” you said, “I’m not very tired.”

“The doctor insisted that you rest,” he replied.

“I will,” you said, backing away. “Just... later.”

Without waiting for him to respond, you turned and walked away, ending the conversation with a small wave. You weren’t dying, just in a bit of pain. You could take a walk; it was what you were originally trying to do before Captain Dickhead ruined your day. It wouldn’t kill you.

Granted, it was more of a hike than a walk. But you would manage.

Luckily, it was still pretty early in the morning, so the humidity hadn’t quite set in yet. A thin mist covered the ground and the sun still hadn’t come up yet, but judging by the pale blue color of the sky, you knew it wouldn’t be long before dawn broke.

You snuck into the forest and began your walk, taking your time to keep track of your surroundings and enjoy the early morning air. It was always so fresh and cool in the mornings. Since it was still early, most of the wildlife was sleeping, so it was eerily silent aside from the occasional chirp or squawk from the treetops.

When you reached the clearing, you sat in your usual spot beside the water atop the boulder, fiddling with the dirt and pebbles that covered the stone. The sound of running water helped you to zone out, letting your mind wander aimlessly.

You turned over a particularly round and smooth stone in your hand, running your fingers over its surface absentmindedly as you stared into the waterfall. There was a myriad of things on your mind, but Cassian seemed to be front and center, just like always. It was beginning to annoy you, just how often he infiltrated your thoughts.

The longer you thought of him, the more frustrated you became. The way he always smiled just before his lips met yours, his voice after waking up in the morning, all of the times he made sure you knew he loved you by saying it every other sentence, all of it made you angry; angry with him and angry with yourself. Your heart was telling you that he meant it all, that he really had been in love with you, but your head was telling you the opposite. The two were engaged in an uphill battle that neither was winning.

You flung the rock into the pond indignantly and dropped your head into your hands.

This was going to be harder than you expected.

Chapter Text

“I thought I’d find you here.”

You jerked your head in the direction of the voice, your heart coming to a violent halt at the sound. There stood Cassian, looking more tired than you’d ever seen him; a faint shade of purple framing his lower lash-line and his lips tugged upward into a small smile. With his hands shoved in the pockets of his jacket he approached, and for a moment, you thought you were hallucinating. Your eyes were playing tricks on you, you were sure of it. When you blinked several times and he didn’t disappear, you slowly slid down from the boulder and stared him down before walking toward him, your legs weak.

“I know you’re still angry with me-”

“You scared me, you asshole,” you interrupted, wrapping your arms around his torso and holding onto him for dear life, as if at any second you would wake up and be alone again. But you didn’t. He was there, he was real, and you hadn’t lost your mind.

After hesitating for a few moments, he embraced you, his arms around your shoulders and pulling you closer. You felt one of his hands stroke your hair and you held on tighter, trying your best to not burst into tears. For the first time in a week, you felt a sense of relief wash over you.

He was home, and fuck, had you missed him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered over the sound of the waterfall in the background, “I’m sorry for everything.”

“You should be,” you murmured against his chest, making him smile. While he’d missed your touch, your voice, and your overall presence, there was one thing he’d missed the most; and that was your charming sense of sarcasm.

“I am,” Cassian said as he pressed his lips to the top of your head and left them there, speaking into your hair. “Y/N, you need to come back with me. There’s something you need to see, it’ll explain everything.”

The statement reminded you of something you’d technically been keeping from him. You’d never gotten to explain the fact that you were potentially carrying his child, and in that moment, all you wanted to do was let the whole situation out of your system by telling him. Just because he kept a secret from you didn’t mean you had to do the same. If either of you had learned anything, it was that hiding things never works out in anyone’s favor. You weren’t about to repeat his mistake.

“I have something I need to tell you first,” you said, gathering your courage and pulling away from him. “I didn’t have the chance to before, because...”

“We broke up before you could?” he asked.

You nodded. “After you left, I started getting really sick.”

Cassian visibly tensed.

“K told me that he thought I was pregnant,” you went on, your voice shaking.

“Okay,” he replied, watching you carefully. He took your trembling hands in his and you relaxed at his touch, but only slightly.

“I had to go to the infirmary today anyway, so I had a test done while I was there. I was really worried because you’ve been gone for so long and I didn’t know what you would think if I was,” you said, the words coming out like a river. “But I’m not.”

Cassian’s thumb stroked the back of your hand. “But you could have been.”

You nodded and stared into his eyes, hoping to find reassurance within them. If you hadn’t lost him before, it was entirely possible it would happen now, and you weren’t prepared to do that all over again.

“You know I love you no matter what,” he said softly, leaning his forehead against yours. “Nothing could ever change that.”

The threat of tears fogged your vision and you closed your eyes. “Even after everything I said?”

“Even after everything you said,” he answered, “I couldn’t stop loving you if I tried.”

Your heart was soaring and showed no signs of coming back down. The words repeated themselves over and over inside of your head as you leaned in to press your lips against his. He still loved you, and you still loved him, end of story.

The two of you stood there motionless, hands interlocked and lips connected in a slow and passionate kiss. You hadn’t realized just how much you missed his lips on yours until it happened, and now you never wanted to pull away. Eventually, though, he did, but reattached his lips to your cheek.

“We need to get back,” he said, his breath tickling your skin. “There’s something waiting for you at home.”

-

The walk back to the temple was full of laughter and brief kisses to make up for lost time. It felt like an eternity had passed since Cassian had left, and you wanted to soak up every last second you had with him, lest he leave again. Part of you wanted to make him stay; to make him quit going out and doing dangerous things that could get him killed, but you knew you couldn’t ask that of him. It was selfish, but that didn’t mean you hadn’t humored the idea.

You walked into the temple together, hand in hand, smiles plastered onto your faces. There were more people out and about now that it was somewhat later in the morning, but the crowds were still sparse, and they were all way too tired to stop and socialize. Both you and Cassian were thankful for that.

He led you to the main hall and leaned against the entryway, you following close behind. You shot him a questioning look as you entered the room, to which he answered by pointing to something in front of him, his permanent smile growing. Furrowing your brow, you craned your neck to see what he was gesturing to, and your eyes fell on something that made your heart ram hard against your chest once, then skip four beats in a row.

It was that same powder blue jacket that had haunted your dreams for years.

“Hey, kiddo.”

Chapter Text

You wanted to cry. You wanted to scream, or run, or faint, or speak.

You wanted to do a lot of things.

Nothing, however, felt right.

Your entire world had been taken and flipped completely upside down. Someone who you loved so dearly and lost so tragically, was alive after all. You’d always hoped the day would come when you could see your father again, but those were just fantasies; something you had fabricated in your mind to cope with the undying pain.

Along with that, your reaction had been fabricated, too. You would cry, run into his arms, tell him you love him, and live happily ever after as a big happy family. Which is what you were, in such fantasies.

Happy.

Something you were not.

You were angry. Furious, even. And you felt guilty for feeling that way.

After a long silence, you broke the frigid air with a few words.

“Where were you?” you asked, your lower lip trembling.

Your father shrugged. “Everywhere. Nowhere. All at once. I’ve been a lot of different people, lived in a lot of different places. It hasn’t been easy since I lost you and your mother, Y/N.”

Tears began to well in your eyes and Cassian put his arm around your shoulders.

“Why didn’t you come back?” you asked, your voice cracking in strange places. It matched your insides; cracking, breaking, falling to pieces.

Your father held your gaze for a few moments before lowering his eyes to the floor. “It’s a very long story. Not something we should discuss here, not now.”

You opened your mouth to speak but were cut off by Cassian, speaking in your ear. “Let everything cool down before he explains himself. I promise, you have no reason to be upset with him.”The influence of his calm aura had an effect on you, and you felt your shoulders relax. Now, instead of anger, all you could feel was sadness. It enveloped you like a large blanket as you looked your father over, making you realize just how much of each others lives you’d missed. Seeing his disheveled features and the dark rings under his eyes filled you with guilt. Guilt because you were angry. Guilt because you couldn’t feel anything besides resentment. Guilt because you weren’t as happy to see him as he was to see you.

“We’re ready for you now, sir,” an officer said, entering the room.

“I’ll be with you in a moment,” your father responded, “And please, call me Adrian.”

-

“I’m sorry, love, I know this is a lot for you,” Cassian said softly as he closed the door to your room behind him.

You shrugged. “It’s not your fault.”

“It is partially my fault,” he said, “I’m the one who brought him here.”

“I’m not mad at you,” you sighed, “I’m mad at him. He was alive this whole time and didn’t say anything to any of us.”

“Perhaps he couldn’t make himself known,” Cassian said, “He could have been held captive by someone. Anything could have happened to him, you can’t assume he abandoned you.”

You lowered your eyes to the floor and shifted your weight, not wanting to look at Cassian. You knew in your heart he was right, but it didn’t make you feel any better.

“Hey,” he said, his voice soft and gentle. “Look at me.”

You shook your head and furrowed your brow.

He stuck his index finger under your chin and lifted your head so you had no choice but to look him in the eye. The gesture made your cheeks hot.

“He’s your father. He loves you. He wouldn’t have come back willingly if he didn’t.”

You pondered this for a few moments before changing the subject. “Where did they take him?”

Cassian smirked and moved his hand from your chin to your cheek, cupping it lightly. “He knows a lot about the Empire that we don’t, a lot like you. He could be helpful in the fight against them, especially since he was married to a powerful woman. They’re asking him questions about what he knows.”

You nodded and moved away from Cassian to sit on the edge of your bed. “Makes sense.”

He moved in front of you and knelt down, taking both of your hands in his. “This is going to work out, I promise. I won’t let it go wrong.”

A small smile formed on your lips and you leaned forward, pressing them against Cassian’s in a long, slow, gentle kiss. “Thank you.”

-

As the sun set and the night fell upon the base, Cassian led you to your father, being sure to shoot glares at anyone who looked in your direction as you went. You were both fully aware of the attention you’d been getting since your father arrived, and it bothered Cassian.

“They have no business in what happens in your family, or between the two of us,” he’d said, “They’d do well to stay out of it.”

After the long trek to your father’s whereabouts, you were ushered inside of a control room where you found several people- your father included- standing around a large, lit-up table.

“So you believe she betrayed you?” a woman said. You’d never seen her before, but she seemed pretty important. Her hair was a deep brown, done up in two large buns on each side of her head. She was beautiful, and looked like royalty. It intimidated you.

“Yes, I believe she set everything up,” Adrian replied, “Melina and I always saw things differently. She was convinced the galaxy was hers to rule; I disagreed.”

“That’s good to hear, Adrian,” the woman said with a smile, “We need to know that you’re on our side.”

“I wouldn’t want to be on the side that tried to kill me and took my daughter from me. I’m on your side, Princess.”

So she was royalty, after all.

Finally noticing your presence, the woman gestured for you and Cassian to approach. “Y/N, I’d like to finally meet you.”

You made your way over to her and extended your hand, which she shook firmly, then cupped with both hands. “We’re glad to have you and your father with us. Your help has brought us closer to defeating the Empire. We’re closer than we’ve ever been.”

“Happy to help,” you said, smiling. She returned the smile.

“We’ll give you and your father some privacy to talk things over,” she said, giving you a reassuring look. “You’ll want to hear what he has to say.”

You nodded and watched as she walked toward the exit with so much grace that she made it look easy. You wondered if every person of royal descent was that graceful. Cassian stepped forward and pressed a kiss to your temple and whispered, “I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

Taking a deep breath, you turned to your father and felt your heart pick up in pace when the door slammed shut behind Cassian.

“I know you’re angry with me,” Adrian said solemnly, “Please let me explain myself.”

You sighed and took a seat at the large table, folding your arms across your chest and looking up at your father. “I’m listening.”

He took the seat directly across from you at the other head of the table and clasped his hands together, trying to come up with the words to say. After a few minutes of silence, he finally spoke.

“Your mother betrayed me. She’s the reason I had to leave, and why I couldn’t return.”

You narrowed your eyes and sat up in your chair. “What?”

“I wish I could say I was lying,” he said, meeting your gaze. The sadness in his eyes was real; it was hard to fake that kind of anguish. “But it’s true”

“I had planned to take you and flee the Empire,“ he went on, “I’d faked it long enough, and people were beginning to catch on. Especially your mother. When she discovered my plans, she was furious. We didn’t speak for days.”

“I remember,” you said softly.

Adrian nodded. “I was surprised she didn’t have me publicly executed for betraying the Empire. I like to think it was because she loved me, and you, enough to spare us, but I know it was to save her own skin. The wife of a traitor is a woman who loses the respect of her peers. She would have lost everything if anyone else found out.”

“I knew, when I was sent on that mission, that I was going to die. I’d been expecting it for some time, but not so soon. The fleet was sent to a distant, uninhabited planet. There, my troops turned on me, but your mother made a mistake,” he chuckled, “she sent her weakest men. They were easily dispatched.”

Dispatched.

Not killed. Not knocked out. Dispatched.

The word was a grim reminder that your father, despite his distaste for the Empire, was just as savage as anyone else in the organization. Dispatching was a horrible word to use to describe someone’s death, even if they deserved it. Your stomach turned over several times as your father continued his story.

“I knew I couldn’t go home. I’d escaped death once, but your mother would find another way to get rid of me, one way or another. As much as it pained me to leave you behind with that retched woman, I knew it would be better if I stayed away. Things would only get worse, and eventually, you would have been involved. I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I’d left you, but it was all I could do to keep you safe. It was unbearably lonely.”

“I understand,” you said, meeting his gaze. “I’m sorry, dad. I shouldn’t have doubted you.”

“Do not apologize for my mistakes,” he said with a sad smile. “I let you believe I was dead. I abandoned you in a place where you were nothing more than a successor to a woman who wanted nothing more of you.”

“Successor?”

Adrian sighed and ran a hand through his graying hair. “Your mother did not choose me out of love. She wanted a child. She wanted someone to lead when she was gone. I was simply her best option of procreating. I was just a part of her plan, just as you were.”

“But I never did well with the Empire,” you said, confused. “It was obvious that I couldn’t fight. Why keep me around if there was no way I would ever follow in her footsteps?”

He smiled and met your eyes. “You’ve become so much smarter. You’ve grown up a great deal in my absence. I’m proud of you for that.”

“As for your questions,” he went on, “I wouldn’t allow her, or anyone, for that matter, to touch you. Just because she disliked me did not mean I couldn’t take her on. She knew I was stronger than her, and that if she killed you, or had you killed, I would have done the same to her. You were more than a successor to me, Y/N. You are more than a successor. You’re my daughter, and I love you more than there are stars in the sky.”

Tears streaked your cheeks as he spoke, your heart racing inside of your chest. You simply stared him down, compassion filling your every vein. You kicked yourself for being so angry with him. He was protecting you, every day of your life, and you’d had no idea.

He crossed the room and pulled you up out of your chair into an embrace, both of you now sobbing messes.

And for the first time in a while, you felt something you hadn’t felt in a long time. Not since you’d lost your father. Not since everything about your life was changed. Something you’d ached to feel for so long, but couldn’t seem to find, not matter how hard you tried.

Hope.