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Chapter Text

If he was truly honest with himself, Yongguk had never thought he would ever be a high school senior. Since he’d already spent his first two years in high school sleeping during every class, he had always believed he would keep failing every single one of them until he just gave up. It’s not that he didn’t think he was smart enough or that he really wanted to fail, he just wasn’t interested. Growing with a single mother who worked hard to put food on the table, he’d never had anyone to help him with his homework when he got home and he had gradually lost any interest in studying as time went by. His mother had to intervene towards the end of middle school when she started receiving calls from his teachers because he was skipping so much, but the boy had a scolding, promised to never skip again and had been sleeping the days away since then. Yongguk was never bitter or angry about his grades falling a little more every test – it was his fault, he didn’t study so he had no expectations.

But Himchan wasn’t having it. His best friend had made it his personal mission to make him pass every year, even if it meant he had to add hours of personal lessons to his already busy schedule. Yongguk didn’t understand how Himchan even had time to talk to him, much less teach him things that the boy should already know, and yet his friend was always determined to help him. Every time exams got nearer, Yongguk knew he had to forget about their video game sessions – during which he was the one playing and Himchan encouraged him loudly – and their quiet after school hangouts. And every single time, Yongguk passed with a slightly above average grade which at first had made their teachers very suspicious.

The truth was that he couldn’t have had a better teacher. Himchan was a model student, the kind who already knew the entire content of the class before the teacher had even mentioned it. He always had the highest grade in the class, with the exception of that one time when he’d broken his finger and hadn’t had as much time to study as usual. His teachers absolutely loved him, although some were slightly annoyed about him correcting them in front of the whole class from time to time. As for his parents, they were over the moon – especially since they were the ones who put so much pressure on him in the first place, Yongguk couldn’t help thinking bitterly – and the other students, while a bit jealous, never missed an opportunity to ask him for help. Because not only was Himchan really smart but he was also very nice and not competitive in the slightest. He even tutored a few students twice a week in exchange for pocket money.

And that was why Yongguk was slowly walking towards the coffee shop at the end of the street, for the first time since they went back to school a week before. It had become his little ritual to spend that extra hour every Mondays and Thursdays in the coffee shop where he would buy drinks for both of them so they could walk home together as usual. It was his silent way of thanking Himchan for being the responsible one in this friendship, and the other boy’s smile every time he handed him his cup of Americano made it worth it. It’s not like Yongguk had anything to do after school anyway – he rarely ever did any homework.

“You’re here again!” said Himchan excitedly, as if his friend hadn’t been sitting on this exact bench waiting for him twice a week for the past year and a half.

Yongguk smiled as he handed him his coffee and the two boys took off immediately. On their way home, they talked about Yongguk’s latest musical discoveries, about the new kid who had arrived in their class, about Himchan’s older sister visiting them the past weekend… About anything but school. Yongguk knew that Himchan would want to avoid the subject as he would probably spend another two or three hours studying later in the evening.

“You shouldn’t spend all your money on buying me coffee” said Himchan as they stopped in front of Yongguk’s house. Himchan still had an extra ten minutes to walk by himself before he got home. “Especially since you don’t have a part time job.”

Yongguk rolled his eyes so hard he could almost see the back of his skull.

“If I need money, I’ll just have to ask Junhong’s dad if I can help him at the restaurant again, you know he will always say yes” he replied. “Besides, what else am I supposed to do for an hour while I wait for you?”

Himchan smiled before waving his friend goodbye.

Yongguk got home to an empty house as always, threw away his cup of coffee and almost ran upstairs to reach the safety of his bedroom. As he sat on his bed, not the least tired as he’d spent most of the day asleep, he reached for the black notebook hidden in his bedside drawer, opened it slowly as if it was some sacred item and starting working.

Yongguk hated himself for going to bed at three am – again – as his alarm clock rang for the third time. The boy painfully dragged himself out of bed and started to look for clean clothes in the mess that was his closet.

“Yongguk, get up! You only have twenty minutes!” he heard his mother shout from downstairs. “Don’t make Himchan wait!”

Ah. Yes.

And sure enough, after a quick shower and a kiss on his mother’s cheek, Yongguk left to see his friend waiting a few meters away from the front door, looking fresh and ready to start the day as always – a mystery to Yongguk. Himchan handed him a pastry as the boy’s stomach started rumbling – how did he deserve a friend like him – and the two boys took off.

The morning went by quickly. At lunch, the two friends sat down at the cafeteria and were joined by Youngjae and Daehyun, their two very loud friends, both a year younger than the pair. Yongguk couldn’t help feeling a bit jealous every time he saw how these two joked around with Himchan, much more freely than Yongguk ever could – he was more of a listener to be honest. But after a few minutes, he joined in on the conversation and forgot all about it.

During the afternoon, Yongguk was once again forced to stay awake by his French teacher, a young man who was new at the school and hadn’t given up on him yet. French had always been the most bearable subject for Yongguk and the new teacher almost made it interesting. But what was even more interesting was messing with Himchan. Every minute or so, Yongguk would discreetly throw him a small piece of paper with the worst dad jokes he could think of. It took ten minutes of Himchan throwing them back to him before even reading them until the boy eventually got curious and decided to open one. From the corner of his eyes, Yongguk could see him smiling and he was not surprised when the tiny piece of paper that bounced on his face was not one of his.

“Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.”

Yongguk didn’t know if he was proud or ashamed.

At the end of their history class, everyone was rushing towards the door, excited for the end of the day, when Himchan was called by the teacher. It wasn’t anything new, teachers often wanted to talk to him after class since he was the only one truly paying attention. And as always, Yongguk told his friend he would wait for him in front of the building. While most of the teachers had given up on Yongguk a long time ago, they were always nice to him and had always avoided talking about Himchan’s grades in front of him. As if he didn’t know.

Yongguk sighed as he watched countless groups of students leave the school. It was still very warm outside and the blazing sun was already making him nostalgic for lazy days spent playing video games or watching reruns of bad TV shows with his mother. Days when Himchan wasn’t worried about grades, about his parents watching his every move as soon as he got home. Yongguk was lost in his thoughts when he realized his surroundings had gotten completely quiet.

Himchan had been with their teacher for a good ten minutes. That was unusual. Yongguk decided to go back inside, but stopped a few meters away from the door. He didn’t want to put any pressure on them – well, mostly on Himchan to be honest –, maybe they were actually talking about something important. And he tried his hardest, he really did, to not eavesdrop on their conversation, but the silence of the hallway got the best of him.

“…I understand what you’re saying. But you also need to take into consideration the fact that this schoolyear is different from the previous ones”, he heard their teacher say.

“I know, but… I think you’re worrying too much.” Himchan replied, and Yongguk could hear in this voice he was annoyed.

The boy couldn’t help but think it was strange. Himchan had always liked their history teacher.

“You know that before the end of the year, you’re going to have to make an important decision, right?” the teacher said. “I have no doubt that you want to keep studying after high school, but to do that, you need to stay focused all through this year. And Yongguk…”

Oh no. As soon as he heard his name, Yongguk knew what conversation they were having. That conversation.

“…Yongguk is a very sweet boy, I know he is” she continued, “but maybe he isn’t the right friend for you right now. I’m not saying you should stop seeing each other, but while in class, maybe…”

“Listen, with all due respect,” Himchan said, interrupting the teacher which was quite unusual for him. “I know you mean well, but I don’t think you understand. Yongguk has never stopped me from doing well in school…”

Had he? Had he really never been a burden for Himchan?

“…and I think I can decide for myself who I’m friends with. Thank you for the advice anyway.”

As he could feel the conversation getting to an end, Yongguk ran as quietly as he could to the same spot he was standing in a few minutes before. Thirty seconds later, Himchan appeared, looking as bright as ever.

“Anything important?” Yongguk asked casually, as if he didn’t want to puke.

“No, the usual stuff. Sorry for making you wait.”

Yongguk just listened to Himchan the whole way home. He didn’t feel like talking anymore, his thoughts still a complete mess. Good thing Himchan was amazing at small talk, and all he had to do was laugh or nod at the right moment. When they stopped in front of his house, he didn’t offer to walk the rest of the way with him, as he usually did on days when Himchan didn’t have tutoring and they could get home earlier – the other boy always refused anyway, but it was part of their little ritual. It earned him a strange look from his best friend, but Himchan didn’t say a word and just waved him goodbye with a smile.

It wasn’t like it was anything new. Yongguk knew that this wasn’t the first time in their two years long friendship that someone told Himchan he should get better friends. Himchan’s parents had always been nice to him. He’d spent many evenings with them and they’d always do their best to make him feel at home. But he could see the way they looked at him from time to time, eyes filled with pity, as if the boy was already a lost cause. And he knew they worried he would be a bad influence on Himchan, even if they never said so in front of him. He’d known all that a while ago, not long after the two boys had met on their first day of high school.

But he hadn’t expected to hear it so soon in the schoolyear. Usually Himchan got scolded by his parents when exams got nearer because he’d spent more time helping Yongguk than actually studying. He could tell when Himchan would meet him looking all grumpy, even if he wouldn’t say why. But as soon as the exams were over, things always went back to normal. This time was different. Yongguk knew it wasn’t going to stop there. He had tried his best all summer to ignore the fact that this was going to be their last year of school. They would have to make a big decision sooner or later. And Yongguk had never liked change. Why change anything when everything was (mostly) fine?

But the more people told Himchan he wasn’t good enough to be his friend, the more Yongguk started to believe they might be right. He spent most of the evening laying on his bed, trying to think of something else but he couldn’t stop the growing feeling of anxiety in his stomach.

It was almost midnight when he heard his phone buzzing on his bedside table. A text.

“What do you call somebody with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.”

Yongguk laughed quietly.

“Goodnight, Himchan.”

Chapter Text

Yongguk was not homophobic, quite the contrary. He’d grown up with a very open-minded mother, who’d make sure he understood that the world was not all black and white and acceptance was much easier than hatred. But Yongguk knew that the rest of the world wasn’t like his loving mother, who always said ‘ your future partner ’ instead of ‘ your future wife ’. He’d known it from the moment where he got scolded for choosing Junhong, his younger neighbor whom he’d known forever, as his Valentine in primary school. He’d known it when he’d heard people make fun of his then new friends Daehyun and Youngjae for holding hands when he was 12.

He was reminded of it every time his father called – which, fortunately for him, didn’t happen very often. The man had moved to a big city and remarried a few years after he and his mother had gotten a divorce, before Yongguk even knew how to count or spell his own name. He’d made a new life for himself, with a wife that thought and talked just like him and new children. Yongguk had gotten used to his absence – can’t miss something you’ve never had, right?

From time to time, his father called and told him aaaaaall about his children, and his wife, and his job, and how amazing it was living in a big city and Yongguk always listened quietly. He didn’t care much for his half-brother and sister, he had met them both when they were still toddlers and that was it. Once in a while, his father would send him a picture. They looked nice. They probably weren’t. But Yongguk wasn’t mad at him. His father wasn’t a bad man, he was just… more like that uncle you only ever see once year than an actual dad. He never forgot his son’s birthday – he’d even showed up for one, when he’d turned fifteen. He always sent him money when Christmas or his mom’s birthday was coming up so he could buy her something. But whenever he talked to his father on the phone, Yongguk was reminded of how lucky he was to have been raised by his angelic mother. Because every time his father called, he remembered he could’ve been living a very different life with a very different family. One with expectations, unwanted plans for future and dreams that weren’t his. A family like Himchan’s.

Yongguk couldn’t stop shivering as he waited outside for Himchan. October had just begun and the boy wasn’t yet accustomed to chilly mornings and trees getting increasingly more colorful every day. For the first time since they started walking to school together, he was the first one outside, five minutes before Himchan usually stopped in front of his house. He’d been woken up at 4:30 am by a nightmare that he couldn’t even remember and hadn’t been able to get back to sleep after. His entire body screamed for him to go back to bed immediately but he’d promised his mother to never skip again and refused to give her a reason to worry about him.

But by the time Himchan finally arrived, Yongguk’s eyes were already starting to close.

“You look like shit.” Himchan said as a hello.

“Thanks.” the boy replied. He would’ve snorted if he hadn’t been so tired.

“No, I mean… Are you okay? You look sick.” Himchan said, sounding genuinely worried this time.

“Just tired, I guess. Didn’t sleep much” Yongguk muttered as a reply, his voice barely audible.

As they were making their way towards the school, Himchan casually slipped an arm around the other boy’s back so that he could lean on him. They stayed quiet most of the way.

October meant their first tests were coming up and, for some reason, Yongguk’s teachers seemed to have suddenly regained faith in the boy, despite his complete lack of effort over the past month. They didn’t let him sleep all morning and he felt even more like a zombie than a few hours before.

Lunch was pure torture as Youngjae and Daehyun were as loud as ever and, by just being there, made Himchan loud as well. The three boys chatted away, seemingly oblivious to Yongguk’s pain as a thousand tiny hammers pounded into his head. Holding his head over his barely touched plate, he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Yongguk, wouldn’t you like to come to?”

He lifted his head to see Daehyun looking at him with a mischievous look in his eye. The two others were also looking at him intently, as if Yongguk had any idea what they’d been talking about.

“Come to what?” he said.

“My Halloween party!” Daehyun replied excitedly. “I know Halloween is still three weeks away but these things have to be planned in advance, you know? And I know you don’t like big parties but don’t worry, it’ll be a small thing, just our close friends. And my parents said they don’t mind me inviting people over while they’re on holiday…”

Yongguk stopped listening as Daehyun kept blabbering about the party to look at Himchan. His friend was already looking at him with a small smile and when their eyes met, Himchan nodded, as if to say “yes, don’t worry, I’ll be there too.”

“I’ll be there then” he said, interrupting Daehyun in his monologue.

Youngjae and Daehyun both squealed from excitement, earning disapproving looks from teachers passing by.

He had never really questioned his sexuality. He hadn’t felt the need to, since he’d never dated, except if holding hands with his slightly older neighbor Ji Eun when they were kids counted as dating. The two had remained good friends since then even if they barely ever saw each other now that Ji Eun had to juggle with university and a part time job in a coffee shop.

But he had never felt the need to question his sexuality when he was barely interested in dating in the first place. He was always quite a solitary person, the only few people he truly felt comfortable with being his mother and a handful of friends. He’d wondered at some point during middle school if there was something wrong with him, when he saw couples passing by and didn’t feel the tiniest bit envious. But most of his friends had stayed single as well, aside from the occasional flirt here and there.

He knew why Himchan didn’t date. The boy spent so much time studying and helping others study, it was a mystery to Yongguk how he still found time to hang out with his friends. He knew that otherwise his best friend could’ve have easily found someone – he’d been confessed to at least twice since he and Yongguk had met. It wasn’t a surprise to him. Himchan was funny, smart, far from bad-looking and, well, much more easy-going than Yongguk. But the boy had turned both girls down, later telling Yongguk that he wasn’t very interested anyway. And the other boy couldn’t lie, he felt rather happy to know that no one was going to take his best friend away from him.

But he’d never questioned his sexuality before, nor did he ever consider the possibility of being attracted to someone. And that was why it took him so long to realize the mess he had put himself into.

“Can we play video games tonight?” Himchan said as they were getting closer to Yongguk’s house.

Their first tests were still more than two weeks away but Himchan liked to start early. He was already spending most his evenings studying and Yongguk could tell the boy needed a break.

“I mean, it’s Friday night, it’s okay if I don’t study tonight, right?” he added, voice filled with an uncertainty his friend was all too familiar with.

Yongguk nodded reassuringly.

When they got to his house, the two boys went straight to his bedroom. Yongguk turned on his console and his TV and sat on the floor, back resting against his bed, as Himchan made himself comfortable on the mattress right behind. They spent the next few hours playing a game that they’d already played a million times, Himchan loudly nagging at his best friend for never doing the right thing. Yongguk’s mother brought them back to reality when she popped her head inside his room to ask if Himchan wanted to stay for dinner.

Later in the evening, they were silently doing the dishes together – Himchan had insisted and Yongguk was just bad at saying no – when his mother came back to the kitchen.

“You know, Himchan, you can also stay the night if you want” she said with a smile. “It’s been a while since you two had a sleepover.”

“I’ll have to call my parents,” he replied.

“They won’t say no.” Yongguk said once his mother was gone.

“I know,” Himchan replied, but the other boy could tell something was bothering him.

But Himchan’s parents didn’t say anything, as planned, and Yongguk forgot about that odd moment.

He wasn’t homophobic but the thought of finding himself in a situation where he’d have to worry about falling in love with someone had never crossed his mind.

That night, as he laid next to Himchan on his tiny single bed, unable to find sleep – and mentally cursing himself for napping during their afternoon classes –, his mind was stuck on one memory that had suddenly resurfaced. He remembered a sunny day of July, the first summer after since they’d met. He remembered spending half a day packing his bag before leaving to spend a few weeks at his grandmother’s house, like every summer. He remembered Himchan hugging him tight that day before he got into the car. And he remembered the unexpected warmth that had spread through his chest at that moment, and instantly knowing it wasn’t due to the hot weather.

But before he’d even had time to question it, he was gone for three weeks and he’d forgotten all about it. Until that night, when he was laying silently, listening to his best friend breathing quietly. That night, he found himself staring at ceiling, the memory forcing him to think about things he’d desperately tried to suppress, about little moments of weakness he wanted to forget.

Because while he wasn’t homophobic, when that memory resurfaced in his mind, the only thing he felt was worry.

A week before their first exams, the two boys started seeing each other less and less frequently. Yongguk was used to it, and he didn’t blame his friend for disappearing every day after school and for spending half of their lunch breaks with his books – it was part of the deal of being friends with Himchan. And it almost made him feel bad for not opening a single book because he knew Himchan was studying for the both of them.

Maybe it was just an excuse, but Yongguk felt like it was too late to start studying now, that after two years of doing absolutely nothing in school, he was already a lost case. And the young boy had accepted his fate, it was his fault after all, he’d put himself in this situation. Once he’d started skipping school and stopped doing his homework, once his teachers had completely given up on him, he was already way too comfortable in this situation. It was too late to go back.

But the truth was that studying was overwhelming. It was even more overwhelming now that this was their last year in high school – and it truly was because there was no way Himchan would let him fail this year. Studying meant planning your future, it meant thinking about a life where he would probably have to give up on all the things he loved to make a living. And he knew sleeping his days away wasn’t helping in any way but it was a lot less painful. If he could keep living in this bubble, just for another year…

His brain refused to cooperate most of the time though. One night, as he felt the tiny pool of anxiety that had been stuck in his stomach for the entire day growing bigger and bigger, he knew exactly what was in store for him. He’d never talked about his anxiety attacks to anyone except his mother, until that one time about a year before when Himchan had opened up about his as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Still, even after that, he rarely ever felt comfortable bringing up the subject in front of his friend. It felt too intimate, almost too… vulnerable. He didn’t want to appear weak to his friend – his responsible, smart and strong best friend. But that night, when anxiety started slipping through his veins, making his chest tighter and his breathing shorter, when his limbs felt almost paralyzed, too heavy to carry him to his mother’s room, his first instinct was to reach for his phone.

While he waited for the other boy to answer, he started to feel like the walls of his usually cozy bedroom were closing in on him. It’d been a while since anxiety hit him this hard and the suffocating feeling in his chest made him feel like he was about to die if something, someone didn’t help him get back to reality –

“Yongguk?” he heard a sleepy voice say on the other end of the phone.

It took a minute for his friend to register how late it was and the lack of response.

“Yongguk? Is something wrong? Are you okay?” Himchan said, his voice slightly more awake this time.

It was difficult for Yongguk to even explain what was actually going on. First, because in that very moment he felt like his brain was on fire. And secondly, because he had absolutely no idea why he was in such a state of panic in the first place.

“I can’t… I… I can’t… breathe…” he painfully managed to articulate onto the phone, hoping his friend would understand.

And Yongguk could thank the heavens seven million times for giving him a friend like Himchan. As soon as he realized what was happening, the other boy’s voice became sweeter, all traces of sleep completely gone, as he did his best to reassure his friend that everything was fine, that he was going to be alright. And it didn’t work at first, it took some time but after ten minutes Yongguk could already feel his chest slowly become lighter. His breath started to pick up a steadier pace, his body to relax, muscles unclenching one by one. His mind also cleared, although it still felt a bit cloudy from the lack of sleep. Eventually he managed to close his tired eyes and slowly drifted to sleep to the sound of the deep voice on the other end of the phone…

The next day, Yongguk couldn’t help feeling bad for interrupting his friend’s sleep during such an important period of the year, especially when he watched Himchan yawning five times on their way to school. But the other boy didn’t mentioned anything about the previous night, chatting away as warmly as always. If Himchan noticed Yongguk’s uneasiness, he didn’t show any sign of it and the rest of the day went by as usual.

It was Thursday, and Thursdays meant tutoring. Despite his own, mostly self-inflicted, busy studying schedule, Himchan maintained his tutoring sessions even the week before the exams. Yongguk quickly waved his friend goodbye at the end of their first class and started to make his way out of the school’s main building. He was hit by the soft but quite chilly mid-October wind as soon as he stepped out. Summer was definitely over.

“Yongguk! Wait!” he heard a familiar voice shout behind him.

Youngjae was running to catch up to him.

“I’m going your way for once, my mom asked me to meet her at her office after school” he said, slightly out of breath.

The two boys were only five minutes away from Yongguk’s house when the younger boy changed their conversation – which had mostly been Youngjae complaining about his math teacher the whole time – out of the blue.

“Must be weird going home without Himchan” he said, his tone suddenly serious. “You two being joined at the hip and all.”

“Not really, I’m used to it…” Yongguk replied. “Besides, you say that as if you and Daehyun aren’t practically married…”

“Well, we don’t go home together every day at least! And it’s absolutely not because we don’t live in the same neighborhood!” Youngjae laughed. “Anyway… I was thinking… Himchan obviously needs a break…”

“He spends way too much time studying…”

Youngjae was silent for a few seconds, looking at Yongguk as if he knew something but couldn’t tell.

“Yes… that’s what I meant...” Youngjae added, his voice gentler this time, almost like he was talking to a child. “…Anyway, the party’s coming up! That’ll cheer him up! You two definitely need to do a couple costume together!”

The two boys stopped in front of Yongguk’s house.

“Do we…?”

“Yes, you do! I’m sure Himchan will be on board, right?” Youngjae continued. “You should ask him, you guys would look super cu… amazing.”

It wasn’t a bad idea, Yongguk thought, given that he was pretty much counting on his best friend to give him a decent costume idea in the first place. (he was bad at choosing costumes, alright. His mom had always picked for him until he was eleven, and then Ji Eun had taken over and made him her little ‘work of art’ as she liked to say – although Yongguk might disagree on her definition of art, he still remembered that time when she dressed him as a bright blue fairy when he was thirteen just because she though it was cute. Now that the girl was busy with work and university, Yongguk didn’t feel like bothering her just for a costume. Especially since he didn’t call her that often.)

[( ◕‿◕✿ ) Kim Himchan ( ◕‿◕✿ ) – 11:52 pm]

i’m still alive btw

you didn’t ask but still

[byg – 11:53 pm]

good to know

how are you?

[( ◕‿◕✿ ) Kim Himchan ( ◕‿◕✿ ) – 11:55 pm]

fine

can’t wait till next week is over tho

[byg – 11:56 pm]

we’ll be on a break soon, you’ll have time to rest

[( ◕‿◕✿ ) Kim Himchan ( ◕‿◕✿ ) – 11:56 pm]

ಥ_ಥ

[byg – 11:59 pm]

btw I talked to youngjae earlier

[( ◕‿◕✿ ) Kim Himchan ( ◕‿◕✿ ) – 11:59 pm]

when were you even with yj

[byg – 11:59 pm]

about the party

we went home together

[( ◕‿◕✿ ) Kim Himchan ( ◕‿◕✿ ) – 00:01 am]

you shouldn’t listen to yj, he says things

things that are fake

[byg – 00:02 am]

???

[( ◕‿◕✿ ) Kim Himchan ( ◕‿◕✿ ) – 00:02 am]

nevermind

[byg – 00:03 am]

anyway he said we should do a costume together

like a pair costume thing

whatever you call that

and you know how lazy i am

[( ◕‿◕✿ ) Kim Himchan ( ◕‿◕✿ ) – 00:05 am]

oMG

okay first of all you’re not lazy, you burnt cinnamon roll

you just like to use your time to do things you actually care about

but omg bang yoNGGUK

i just had the best idea o m g

[byg – 00:06 am]

what

please tell me

[( ◕‿◕✿ ) Kim Himchan ( ◕‿◕✿ ) – 00:07 am]

i need to think about how to do it first

but you’ll love it trust me

[byg – 00:07 am]

oh no

something tells me i’m gonna hate it

[( ◕‿◕✿ ) Kim Himchan ( ◕‿◕✿ ) – 00:08 am]

TRUST ME

♥

[byg – 00:09 am]

tell meeeee

[( ◕‿◕✿ ) Kim Himchan ( ◕‿◕✿ ) – 00:11 am]

goodnight

[byg – 00:12 am]

nooo

you can’t do that, that’s illegal

kim himchaaaaaan

Chapter Text

“We should take a break,” Himchan said.

Yongguk had been waiting all afternoon to hear these words. The two friends had been sitting on Himchan’s bed for three hours, going through all the boy’s notes from their past month of school, and Yongguk was two seconds away from a headache. It was their last weekend before a long week of exams and, as always, Himchan had given him no choice but to spend it at his house, intensely revising.

Two years after they first met, Yongguk was still fascinated by his best friend’s patience. Himchan could go through the same lesson five times to help Yongguk fully understand and memorize it and not look fed up in the slightest. It shouldn’t come as surprise given how much time the boy spent studying day and night but his discipline remained impressive to his friend.  

And now, Himchan’s bed was covered in papers and textbooks and Yongguk did not even know how he would get out of it without sending everything flying everywhere. Himchan had resigned himself to sitting on his desk chair instead of joining him on the bed.

“Let’s just go grab something to eat and then we’ll get back to it” he added with a smirk, clearly amused by his friend’s misery.

Before Yongguk had the time to say anything, Himchan grabbed his hand and led him towards the door – effectively sending papers flying everywhere, but it was his room after all.

The two boys were sitting at the counter in the Kim’s modern kitchen, all black and white tiles and silver-grey kitchen appliances – Himchan’s house looked like an Ikea house to Yongguk. They were sharing a bottle of Coke after eating sandwiches that Himchan had made, laughing at funny pictures on Yongguk’s phone.

“Hello boys” said Himchan’s mother entered the kitchen, bags full of groceries on her arms. “Channie, aren’t you two supposed to be studying?”

“We were, we’re just taking a break” Himchan replied, sending a small, uneasy smile to Yongguk as an apology when she turned around. “We were just about to go back up actually.”

The way Himchan talked to his parents had always felt so odd to Yongguk, as if the boy was always apologizing for something he hadn’t done yet. He had never doubted they loved their son very much, but he didn’t know love could have so many conditions.

“Don’t worry, I’m used to it” Himchan said once they were back in his room.

[byg – 10:31 pm]

so i get that you wanna dress up as an angel

or whatever

but why do i have to be the devil

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 10:34 pm]

bc it suits you!!!!

[byg – 10:35 pm]

…thanks

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 10:38 pm]

you’ll look amazing, trust me!!

we’ll have to ask ji eun for help with the makeup and stuff since she has expertise

after a million years of doing your costumes for you

lazy ass

[byg – 10:39 pm]

no comment

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 10:42 pm]

but yeah you’ll look great!!!

literally hot as hell

[byg – 10:43 pm]

i can’t believe it took you 3 mins to come up with that

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 10:44 pm]

wink wink

[byg – 10:44 pm]

what

the

fuck

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 10:45 pm]

oh come on don’t be grumpy

it’s not like you have another costume idea

you didn’t even look for one

[byg – 10:47 pm]

fine whatever

i hate you sometimes

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 10:49 pm]

i love u  ♥ ♥ ♥

Yongguk had to hold back a groan and put his phone down, pretending his heart was not about to leap out of his chest.

He discreetly settled down on a small table by the window after ordering his drink, waiting for her to notice him. The small coffee shop was busier than he had expected before coming here, but then it was a Saturday afternoon. And since students were on a mid-term break as of this day, the shop was bustling with loud groups of high-schoolers – Yongguk had made sure to sit as far away from them as possible, he wasn’t here to socialize. He hoped he wasn’t getting in her way by coming here unannounced, clearly, she had other things on her plate at the moment. But after fifteen minutes of him watching people coming and going, she finally walked passed him and –

“Yongguk!” Ji Eun said excitedly, her uniform jacket in one hand, clearly on her way to her break. “It’s been so long!”

Her surprise made him feel a twinge of guilt. He should call her more often.

“I know, I wanted to surprise you” he said. “Sorry, I didn’t know you’d be so busy.”

“That’s fine” she replied, grabbing the chair in front of him. “Well, I only have twenty minutes to give you before I have to go back, but that will still be the longest conversation we’ve had in almost a month. How have you been?”

“Fine, I guess. I had a bunch of exams this week, glad that’s over.”

“You can thank Himchan later,” she teased him. “Oh, so you’re on a break now?”

Yongguk nodded.

“So, you’ll have plenty of time to come see me then, or will you forget about me again in twenty minutes?”

Yongguk pouted, and Ji Eun burst out laughing at the adorable sight.

“I’m just teasing you, Yongguk! Anyway, I heard you two love birds need my help for Daehyun’s party next week. I still don’t know what to come as.”

“Didn’t know you were coming,” Yongguk mumbled. “I didn’t even know you talked to Daehuyn.”

“I’m gonna make a wild guess and say that Himchan’s the one who chose your costumes?” Ji Eun added. “Although the devil does suit you, if I’m honest.”

“Thanks, I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve a friend like you,” the boy replied sarcastically.

She shrugged, taking a sip of Yongguk’s now cold drink.

“Anyway, I’ll come to your house two hours before the party so we have time to get ready, alright? Now let’s move on to the serious stuff, I only have fifteen minutes left.”

Yongguk just raised an eyebrow, unsure of what she was getting at.

“Come on, Yongguk, I don’t see you for a month – and no, I’m not mad at you, it’s not easy now that we’re not neighbors anymore – but you only ever show up like this if something’s on your mind.”

“Maybe I just wanted to see you,” the boy said, trying to sound convincing, but she knew him too well.

“Sure,” she replied, clearly not buying it. “You keep telling yourself that, that’ll make all your problems go away.”

Yongguk stayed silent for a minute, staring at the table in front of him, trying to gather his own thoughts. He had no idea why he had decided to visit her either, but he knew she wasn’t wrong. He had known Ji Eun for such a long time and she was the closest thing he had to a big sister, he’d always turned to her in difficult times – before she moved away at least and, well, before Himchan happened.

“I don’t know why but I’ve been feeling weird since we went back to school,” he finally spoke. “It’s not like anything’s changed really but I just constantly feel like something bad is about to happen. Like I’m about to lose… something.”

Ji Eun took a deep breath and then looked him straight in the eyes with an intensity that had always intimidated the boy – although he would never admit it.

“Look, Yongguk.” she started. “It’s your last year of school, of course it’s going to feel a bit off. It happens to everyone. Humans are not made for big changes if you ask me. But the thing about losing something…”

She kept quiet for a few seconds, as if she was trying to find the right words.

“I knew you would someday get to this point, once you were faced with having to make decisions about your future and all that. I didn’t know it would happen so soon in the year, but I knew it would come. Because let’s face it, you owe a lot to Himchan, when it comes to you not dropping out of school. And for some reason you’ve always had this weird complex about Himchan – you never said it clearly, but it’s obvious – as if he’s just about to drop you as a friend. But that’s not true, Yongguk, Himchan cares about you. He loves you.”

Yongguk found it hard to keep looking at her at this very moment.

“I don’t know what Himchan has to do with anything,” he replied, even though he knew she had hit a nerve right on.

The older girl took a quick glance at her watch before continuing.

“Listen, maybe I’m wrong, okay?” she said, still with the same intensity as before. “Maybe it has nothing to do with it, but I just don’t want you to feel like there’s anyone in your life that’s not on your side. Your friends are here for you and we’re not about to leave anytime soon, alright? If there’s something on your mind, just tell us.”

She started to put her uniform jacket back on.

“And Himchan is very smart but he’s not a wizard as far as I know. He can’t read your mind. If you’ve got something, anything to tell him, stop hesitating.”

Twenty minutes later, Yongguk was on his way to his best friend’s house, earphones on and another cup of coffee in his hand – but not for himself this time. He still had a ten-minute walk before he reached Himchan’s house. Ji Eun’s coffee shop was quite far away from their neighborhood, which was always the excuse he repeated himself whenever he realized he hadn’t seen her in a long time – even though there were buses that could take him there and he was just being a bad friend. But after his conversation with the older girl, he had decided that he would attempt to be a slightly better friend to Himchan at least and bring him something to celebrate the end of the exams and him saving Yongguk’s ass once again.

On his long solitary walk, he couldn’t get Ji Eun’s words out of his mind. He’d always found it hard to believe that anyone – other than his mother, of course – was on his side. He never for one second thought his friends were secretly plotting against, not anything of the sort, but he couldn’t find the strength to think about what would happen once they all moved on to another life, once they didn’t have to see each other every day. It was difficult not to feel like deadweight when it seems that everyone got their life together except him, even if he knew that wasn’t the whole truth. “And Ji Eun doesn’t see you every day but she didn’t drop you”, he thought.

So, he walked all the way to Himchan’s house, by himself, his steps matching the beat of the song playing on his phone. Not because he had anything to say to him – he wished he could find the words that would take this weight off his chest and make it easier between the two of them. But Ji Eun’s advice had only made Yongguk’s mind feel cloudier than before, and he couldn’t figure out why after two years he couldn’t fully open up to his best friend without feeling like he was baring it all. He didn’t even know what to open up about.

When Yongguk was finally knocking on his friend’s door, he had decided to stop thinking about any of this for the rest of this day. He came to cheer up Himchan after a long week of torture, his muddled thoughts could wait. A minute passed before anyone answered the door, and Yongguk was starting to feel a soft breeze announcing that the sun would set in an hour or so. He could thank Ji Eun a million times later for putting the coffee in a thermos, otherwise his coffee surprise would have failed massively.

Himchan’s mom opened the door, smiling brightly when she saw him. His parents were always nicer to Yongguk once exams were over – although he could detect a small but unambiguous uneasiness in her eyes that he could not explain. But he was not about to question it, and as soon as she told him Himchan was in his room, the boy made his way upstairs.

His enthusiasm fell when he saw his best friend, a frown on his face, eyes puffy and red, and he instantly knew coming here was a mistake.

Yongguk liked to believe he was a relatively calm and contained human being. At times, his mind was a mess, sure, but he believed he could remain composed in most situations, giving the allusion that was absolutely not affected by whatever was going on around him. That is, until his friends were the ones upset and he had a rough idea of who put them in this state.

Once Himchan was passed the surprise of Yongguk showing up uninvited, it was obvious the boy would try to pretend that everything was perfectly fine. He thanked Yongguk for the cup of coffee with the same enthusiasm as always but the atmosphere remained tense between the two boys when they tried to make conversation, sitting side to side on his bed.

Himchan was talking too fast and making too many jokes, and after ten minutes, the awkwardness was still there and Yongguk started to wonder how long it’s been since he saw his friend struggle to keep his composure in front of him. Once Himchan finally stopped blabbering, the silence made it even harder to keep up appearances and something clicked inside Yongguk’s brain – at this very moment, he knew instantly what he had to say to his best friend.

“Can we just stop this for a minute?” he said.

Himchan looked him in the eyes for the first time since Yongguk arrived.

“Can we stop pretending that I’m an absolute idiot and I didn’t notice that you were not exactly in the best mood before I came in?” he continued.

Himchan kept looking at him straight in the eyes, but stayed silent.

“If something’s wrong, you can tell me, you know.” Yongguk added, even if he knew exactly what had happened and why Himchan wouldn’t tell him. But this time, he had something to say too.  

The two boys remained silent for a few seconds before Himchan looked away and spoke, his voice softer than earlier.

“It’s… nothing, it’s the usual. My parents being on my back, all that. They’ve been particularly difficult this time, since it’s our last year of school, and there’s a lot of things at stake, and blah blah blah… Nothing I’ve not already dealt with before. I’m fine.”

Yongguk had known him long enough to recognize immediately when the other boy was hiding something from him.

“So, that’s why they’re on your back? Because of school? Nothing else?” Yongguk asked, sarcasm as clear as day in his voice.

“Yes, Yongguk, have they ever annoyed me about anything else?” Himchan said, and the look in his eyes had changed when he turned back to Yongguk. He was staring at him with a hint of apprehension that made his friend’s worry grow even more.

Yongguk snorted. Yes, his parents were practically watching the boy’s every move as soon as he stepped a foot in the house, but that was not what he was hinting at.

“So, this has absolutely nothing to do with the very weird, almost apologetic look your mom gave me twenty minutes ago?”

Himchan looked away again, the floor suddenly captivating his attention.

“This has absolutely nothing to do with the looks they give me whenever you spend more than five minutes helping me with homework? Absolutely nothing to do with how they called me to tell me to stop texting you when you’re supposed to be studying?”

“They do that?” Himchan said, looking up only for a second before he went back to staring at the floor.

“Once. Last year. But I’d be surprised if it didn’t happen again at some point.”

Yongguk took a deep breath.

“This has nothing to do with teachers telling you that you should stop seeing me for your own good?”

Himchan raised an eyebrow but didn’t interrupt him.

“Your parents don’t like me. Our teachers don’t like me either”, Yongguk continued, and he could feel his blood pumping fast, heat rising in his chest, as he kept talking. “But I always told myself that I didn’t care if they didn’t like me, that all that matters to me is that we’re friends and you like being with me.”

Himchan still wasn’t looking at him, but the boy was a bit more alert, noticing a change in Yongguk’s voice.

“And that was more than enough for a while. It really was.”

“I don’t like wherever this is going,” Himchan finally spoke, his tone soft and prudent. “Whatever you’re implying, it’s nowhere near as bad as this.”

“Is it?” the other boy said, and even he could sense something dangerous in his own voice, as if he could blow up at any time.

“Yes,” Himchan said warily. “My parents are overprotective, they’ve always been like this. They like to control everything, but they can’t and they’ll have get over it. They won’t have me locked up in a dungeon forever.”

“Won’t they?” Yongguk said, and he was aware of how ridiculous he sounded but his brain was on autopilot at this moment.

Himchan finally looked up, and, oddly, it was the unshed tears that glistened in the boy’s eyes, still filled with determination, that pushed the words out of Yongguk’s mouth.

“But what if they were right?”

The other boy was left speechless, staring at Yongguk as if this was the last thing he’d expected to hear.

“What if your parents, and the teachers, are right and you deserve a better friend than me? Someone who will not compromise your future. Someone who won’t leech off your efforts. Someone’s who not a constant burden to you, someone you can actually lean on for once, instead of the other way around?”

Wait, no, no, no, no… An alarm went off in Yongguk’s brain but his mouth kept going.

“What if our friendship is just that – a high school friendship, and now it’s time to grow up and actually find a best friend that’s on your level?”

That was not what he was supposed to say. He was supposed to tell him that it doesn’t matter what other people think, that whenever his parents become too much he could just come over and stay as long as he needed, that he could call in the middle of the night too if he ever felt the need to talk, that Yongguk cared about nothing more than their friendship and it was literally what kept him going these law two years – and oh my god, when did he stand up?

“This is… This is not…” Himchan started, his voice wavering a bit. “Why are you angry?”

Only then Yongguk realized how furious he must have looked at that moment – fists closed, speaking in a low but harsh tone, looking down at this friend. But he’d always been angry. He was angry at Himchan’s parents, their teachers, the entire world for putting them in this unthinkable situation. And yet, not a single ounce of his anger was directed towards Himchan, although his friend seemed to think so.

“How can you believe for one fucking second that I think of you as a burden?” Himchan continued, and he stood up as well, properly facing Yongguk when he spoke again.

“How can you ever think that I would want to replace you with someone else after two years, two fucking years, of making sure you passed every single class – not as a charity case or because I pity you, oh no, but because, out of my own selfish interest, I wanted us to still be in the same class and have the same schedule?” the boy added, his voice breaking as he started crying.

Yongguk felt his heart break into a million pieces at the sight of the silent tears that rolled on his friend’s pale cheeks. A sudden urge to pull the boy into a hug and never let go emerged like an itch in his body but his mind was already somewhere else. He felt like his brain was melting from the rush of emotion and once again, before he could properly think about what he wanted to say, the words just slipped out.

“I think it’s better if we don’t see each other for a while.”

And before he could change his mind, before he had to face the mess he had just created, and because he didn’t have the strength to look at Himchan after this; he fled. His legs carried him automatically out of his friend’s room, down the stairs and out of the house. And it wasn’t until he’d reached the safety of his bedroom that he let himself break down in tears, the weight of his mistake crashing into him like a tidal wave.

[byg – 11:46 pm]

omg himchan i’m so so so sorry

that’s absolutely not what i wanted to say

i let my emotions get the best of me and i feel like the biggest asshole on earth i’m so sorry

of course i don’t want our friendship to be just be a high school thing, i care about you a lot more than that

a lot more than i show you actually

and i don’t think i would ever find someone like you

[byg – 11:47 pm]

actually i KNOW i will never find someone like you

and i’m sorry for being a shitty friend again

[byg – 00:05 am]

are you mad at me?

you have every reason to be if you are

but i think we should talk about this in a calmer environment maybe?

[byg – 00:16 am]

i hope you can forgive me someday

[byg – 00:52 am]

??

himchan?

Yongguk’s eyelids felt heavy, and he finally felt sleep wash over him after hours of worrying and crying over his own stupidity, when he heard his phone vibrate on his bedside table, startling him awake.

[ ~ yjae babyyy ~ - 02:19 am]

Can you PLEASE explain to me

Why I’ve just spent two hours on the phone

Trying to stop Himchan from crying his eyes out??????

Chapter Text

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 09:42 am]

i’m not mad at you

actually i’m mad that you never talked to me about this before even tho you knew about my parents and the teacher

but it’s also my fault for never bringing it up tbh, i can’t deny that

we do need to have that convo tho

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 09:46 am]

sorry i didn’t reply last night, lots of things happened after you left

my parents guessed something went wrong when they realized you left so soon and when they saw me

well

crying

i didn’t really tell them what happened but we did talk about the fact that i don’t like the way they talk about you and how they always think they know what’s best for me but never actually ask me what i think and SURPRISE

they apologized!!! miracles do happen!!!!!

i mean, they apologized for making me upset, i don’t think they changed their mind one bit but it’s a start

anyway i tried to go to bed right after dinner cause i was exhausted but i couldn’t fall asleep and i didn’t know what to do bc i always call you when things go wrong but i couldn’t so i called youngjae instead??? we talked for like 2 hours and he called you an idiot at least 7 times

but i felt a bit better after that and i fell asleep

and that’s it

[byg – 10:37 am]

well

i’m glad you’re not too mad and you still wanna talk to me after this

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 10:38 am]

of course i still wanna talk to you bang, you’re my best friend

you’re stuck with me no matter what dumb shit you say

[byg – 10:38 am]

you’re too kind

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 10:39 am]

be kinder to yourself, so i don’t have to do it for the both of us

anyway

i do want to talk about this but not now, not today

but we do need to go shopping for the party

are you free this afternoon?

“Not one word about yesterday,” Himchan had said before Yongguk even had time to say hello. “I’m not in the mood today.”

Yongguk had simply nodded and decided to go along all afternoon. He was the one who’d started this, after all. The two boys had walked side by side to the bus stop that took them to the nearest mall in silence. This is good, Yongguk had thought, this is better than fighting.

But as soon as they’d got on the bus, he’d realized he couldn’t have been more wrong. Sure, Himchan had talked and laughed as usual, the same old jokes and conversations. But Yongguk had known him long enough, he’d known instantly that the atmosphere between them wasn’t completely back to normal. And he’d felt it all afternoon – the conversation was awkward, at times feeling a bit forced. Himchan kept laughing, but it didn’t sound right to him. The melody was off. It pained Yongguk to see his usually loud and cheerful friend avoid making eye contact and keep his distance whenever they were side by side, as if it would break the illusion if they got too close. Himchan’s brightness had faded out, just like that, in the space of one day and he knew it was all his fault. It hurt even more when he realized how much he already missed hearing his friend’s genuine laugh.

They were sitting in a café after spending two hours picking their outfits. The mall was a bit too crowded for Yongguk, and so was the café, but he didn’t feel like going home just yet. He was telling Himchan all about this book his mother had given him a few days before and how long it had been since he’d found it so hard to put a book down.

“Do you still write?” Himchan asked, out of the blue.

“What?”

Yongguk’s mother absolutely loved writing poems, she would often read some to him when he was younger and he’d always been mesmerized by her ability to put feelings into words. Her poems weren’t perfect, but it was precisely what made them so beautiful to him. They sounded just like her, he could hear her voice in every single verse even reading them by himself. Her passion had led the boy to dabble in poetry too when he was younger, and he wasn’t too bad either, but it had been a few years already since he’d stopped.

“I always saw you writing stuff in that black notebook during class before, and I’m pretty sure you weren’t taking notes,” Himchan said. “But I haven’t seen you write since we went back to school.”

Oh.

Yongguk had never told Himchan, or anyone else, about his lyrics before. He hadn’t told him about his music either. It was obvious to anyone who knew him that the boy loved music – he talked about it all the time and particularly enjoyed sharing his latest discoveries with his friends. But there was something else about his mother that fascinated him – how easily she shared her work with him, as if she wasn’t essentially giving him a piece of her soul every single time. His lyrics felt too precious, too intimate, to be shared with anyone. He’d always waited until he was home alone to record his songs on his computer and had kept the content of his notebook to himself.

“Uh…Yeah, I still write. I just… forget to bring it to class, I guess.” He replied hesitantly. In reality, he’d stopped bringing his notebook last spring when one of his teachers wanted to check if he was really taking notes of the class.

“Good,” Himchan said. “I’d love to be able to write, but I don’t think I’d be good at it.”

“How do you know you’re not good at something if you haven’t tried?”

“Because I know things, Bang. But you’ll have to show me sometime, alright?”

After an afternoon of forced smiles and awkward laughter, Himchan gave him one of his signature smirks and teasingly poked his shoulder, making Yongguk feel a bit warmer. Their friendship wasn’t going so bad after all.

They never got to have that conversation after all.

They only met once before the party, helping Junhong and his parents. It seemed the entire town had decided to gather in the small family restaurant that day. Between the flow of new clients that kept coming in and the cooks that called for them every minute or so, the two boys could only exchange a few sympathetic smiles while running from one table to the next. At the end of the day, they were too exhausted to talk and walked home in silence.

Two days later, Himchan was sitting on the big crimson couch in the middle of Yongguk’s living room, watching Ji Eun try to attach plastic horns on his friend’s forehead. Yongguk was doing his best to stay still despite the unpleasant fumes coming from the liquid latex. The party was due to start in two hours but Ji Eun had insisted to come early so she had plenty of time to “create a masterpiece”, as she liked to say. She’d shown up already dressed up as a very chic witch, with a knee-length lace black dress and blood red lips. She’d sat the boy down almost immediately and had spent the last twenty-five minutes doing his make-up.

“Only a few minutes left,” she finally said as he was growing more and more impatient.

Aside from the horns, which Ji Eun had circled with scar wax and fake blood, Yongguk’s makeup also consisted in heavy eyeliner and black eyeshadow around the eyes. The costume the bow had chosen was quite simple – a black button up with black jeans – so the girl had taken extra care on the makeup.

“Himchan, your turn!” she practically yelled once she was done.

The other boy stood up from the couch, about to take Yongguk’s place on the chair next to the window, when he stopped abruptly in front of him. Their eyes met briefly while Himchan looked him up and down. The intensity in his friend’s eyes made Yongguk feel exposed and he looked down, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans nervously.

“I was right,” Himchan said. “It does suit you.”

“I’m not even wearing my full costume yet” was all Yongguk managed to say before he escaped upstairs to put his clothes on.

He stopped by the full body mirror in the bathroom to take a look at Ji Eun’s work. He had to admit he was quite impressed by the result, the horns looked a lot more realistic than he’d expected, as if they were really coming out of his head. The boy took his time getting his clothes on and went back to the mirror again after he was all dressed up. Well, this wasn’t a bad idea, he thought looking at his own reflection.

When he went back to the living room, Ji Eun was already done with Himchan’s makeup – it wasn’t nearly as intricate as Yongguk’s according to her – and the other boy had disappeared into his mother’s room to change. Yongguk waited patiently on the couch, letting Ji Eun coo over how good-looking he was and how much he had changed since they were kids. He managed to only roll his eyes twice.

“Tadaaah!” he heard behind him after a few minutes. He turned around to see his friend standing right behind the couch and he instantly felt like someone punched him in the stomach.

Himchan was wearing a simple white suit over a black button-up shirt with a golden halo hovering over his head. Ji Eun had lined his eyes with black and burgundy eyeshadows and it made up the boy’s eyes stand out, although his eye makeup was much softer than Yongguk’s.

“How do I look?” Himchan said and Yongguk realized he was staring.

Ji Eun stood up immediately and showered him with compliments; yet the boy was still looking at his friend, waiting for him to say something. But Yongguk’s words were stuck in his throat, and he realized he couldn’t say anything that wouldn’t sound out of place, so he just nodded. His heart skipped a beat when Himchan gave him a huge smile in response.

The three friends decided they might as well leave early since they were all ready – and the way to Daehyun’s house was a bit of a walk. Ji Eun turned back to the couch where Yongguk was still sitting to fetch her bag, her back facing Himchan. “Close your mouth next time, you were almost drooling” she whispered with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. Yongguk felt himself blushing.

As promised by their friends, the party was relatively small. There was only five or six people including Daehyun and Youngjae when the group of three arrived but the atmosphere in the cozy living room was already quite lively. Yongguk recognized Jongup, Junhong’s best friend, sitting right next to the young boy on the couch. The rest of the guests were people he had seen Youngjae or Daehyun talk to in between classes and he could vaguely remember some of their names. By half past nine, conversations were going, music was playing in the background, Yongguk didn’t know whether Daehyun was already drunk or just louder than usual and Himchan was already busy being the social butterfly that he was. He’d probably talked to everyone present already, maybe even more than once. And it wasn’t like Yongguk was tucked in a corner by himself since he arrived, he was having his fair share of interactions – there were only 11 people not counting himself, he could manage – but he was still a bit jealous at how easily it was for his friend to make people like him. When he’d first met him two years before, Yongguk had first thought that people gravitated towards Himchan to use him and his brain – but he’d quickly realized it was the other way around, he was the one who draw people in. He was simply likeable.

And so seeing people flirt with him wasn’t anything extraordinary, it actually happened quite often when they were at parties or any social event. But he had never seen Himchan reciprocate, the boy had always kept his distance from everyone who approached him a little too close, never leading anyone on. Until then.

Yongguk was in the middle of a conversation with Junhong and Jongup – in which Junhong was passionately talking about this new choreography he’d learned a few days before and Yongguk and Jongup were encouraging him – when he heard Himchan laughing freely from the other side of Daehyun’s living room. He turned around to see his best friend talking with a girl he recognized from Youngjae’s math class – Yongsun? – a bit aside from the rest of the group. He tried not to make assumptions, thinking it was just another one of those situations, but Himchan’s body language wasn’t lying. The way he let her get all up on his space, eyes not leaving her for one second and occasionally touching her wrist, that was unusual for him.

The sight made Yongguk feel extremely cold all of a sudden, as if someone had just poured a bucket of freezing water all over him. He’d stopped listening to Junhong and Jongup’s conversation for a few minutes already and when one of the younger boys put his hand on his arm to ask him if he was okay, it made him jump. He mumbled some vague excuse, finished his drink in one go and got up in the search of another one. He decided he needed something stronger to end the night.

“What’s wrong with me?”

He felt in an even fouler mood after knocking back whatever he’d found in Daehyun’s fridge that seemed drinkable. He knew he didn’t have any right to feel hurt by his friend flirting with a pretty and – from what he’d heard – very nice girl. He knew that as his best friend he was supposed to encourage him and feel happy for him – so why did he feel cheated on?

Yongguk had always been a little possessive towards his friends, probably because he’d never had that many and he couldn’t afford to lose any of them. He’d become even more possessive with Himchan, which he also attributed to this weird complex thing that Ji Eun had told him about – and that almost made him fuck up their friendship. But this time, it was almost too difficult to handle for him.

From the angle at which he was standing, leaning on the counter in Daehyun’s kitchen, he could see most of the living room except that one corner where Himchan and Yongsun were standing. Even then, he could still hear his friend laughing every few minutes, his deep voice loud enough to cover the rest of the noise. He was growing more and more irritated as he felt himself get drunker and drunker. He was glad everyone had decided to let him be because he had no idea how to explain his sudden change of mood. Ji Eun had come by a few times, mostly to separate him from the booze, but as soon as she’d left, he’d found another drink to soothe himself.

After a while, he realized the atmosphere in the other room seemed to have changed. Some people had left, he could actually hear the music playing for the first time since he’d stepped into the kitchen. Some were leaving, judging by the sounds of the front door opening and closing. He pondered for a bit, his thought slowed down by all the alcohol, and decided it might be safe to come out of hiding place at this moment.

As soon as he stepped foot into the living room, he felt three pairs of worried eyes on him. Ji Eun, Daehyun and Youngjae were all looking at him curiously. He briefly wondered how pathetic he looked before deciding it was too late to worry about that anyway.

“Where is Himchan?” he slurred after looking around the room.

“Outside, saying goodbye to… someone,” Ji Eun said, concern still painted on her face.

Yongguk couldn’t help the small, sarcastic laugh that came out of this mouth at that moment. Of course, he was.

He tried to walk towards the door but he didn’t feel so stable on his feet, as if his upper body was completely disconnected to his legs. He didn’t have time to walk more than two steps before all here of his friends were standing next to him.

“Yongguk…” Youngjae started, his voice a little sad.

“You shouldn’t put yourself in this state over… this,” Ji Eun said.

“What are you talking about?” he muttered drunkenly. He was fine even though he didn’t feel fine, this was just him being moody and overprotective for no reason, he’d get over this the next day.

“Yes, what are you talking about?” Daehyun added. Well, at least he wasn’t the only one who had no idea what was going on. Ji Eun and Youngjae exchanged a quick concerned look before the girl turned back to Yongguk.

“We should probably walk him home,” Ji Eun continued, ignoring them both. “I’m gonna go get his jacket. Daehyun, it’s probably better if he goes by the back door right now, I’m not sure if she’s still here.”

“Why should I take him through the backdoor? Who’s she?” Daehyun said, and he probably looked as lost as Yongguk in that moment.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake…” the girl said. “Youngjae, can you take care of him for a minute?”

The boy nodded and firmly grabbed Yongguk’s arm before leading him through the large glass door that led to the garden. As soon as they stepped outside, the chilly night air made Yongguk shiver and all he wanted to go back inside to be warm again but Youngjae was still holding his wrist very tightly. His friend looked him straight in the eyes, as if he was about to scold him, but when he opened his mouth he sounded so concerned Yongguk wondered if he’d done anything wrong again.

“Why are you two so oblivious?”

Yongguk didn’t have time to respond, or even attempt to think about what he meant, before Ji Eun arrived, his jacket under her arm and took him away from Youngjae, waving a quick goodbye. He didn’t realize she had walked him home until she was looking through his pockets to find his key and he recognized his front door. He didn’t even know if Ji Eun had said anything to him since they’d left the party, all he felt at that moment was miserable, miserable, miserable and he didn’t know why.

Why did he always end up like this?

He couldn’t remember much of what happened afterwards. He felt someone touch his face for a bit – most likely removing his makeup – but his eyelids were so heavy, he struggled to keep them open. Then someone put him to bed and he fell asleep almost immediately, haunted by unkind dreams all night.

Chapter Text

Yongguk woke up with what was possibly the worst headache he’d ever had in his seventeen years of existence. At least it felt like it.

He could hear his mother doing the dishes downstairs, and even if the kitchen was on the other side of the house, every single sound felt like it was digging into his brain. He lazily reached towards his nightstand attempting to find a bottle of water and pills but he had no such luck. He managed to grab his phone and, half of his face peeking out of the cover, he tried to brave the bright daylight infiltrating his bedroom through the window. One in the afternoon. Right. Could’ve been worse. He had no idea what time he got home. He vaguely remembered Ji Eun getting him into his room but that was all. On the contrary, he had a vivid memory of almost everything that had happened at the party, down to the details, even though he wished the alcohol would’ve wiped his memory clean.

Guilt swept over him as he went over the events of the previous night mentally – and painfully, his hangover not letting him go that easily. He felt terrible for letting his feelings get the best of him once again. Even if it was comfortable to believe that no one truly cared about him when he was stuck in these moments of self-loathing, he knew that if his friends had asked him to come to the party, it meant they wanted to be with him. He knew Daehyun had been planning this for weeks because he rarely had any occasion to invite people over when his parents were there, and yet he’d spent most of the night hiding. He also felt guilty for Ji Eun, who took care of him as if he was still the scrawny child she would play with when they were younger, except she was the only one that had grown up. He thought about Junhong, the young boy who looked up to him and always came to him to talk about his passion for dancing and the progress he’d made. And yet Yongguk didn’t even bother to listen. He also thought about Youngjae, who liked to tease him but was the first to worry whenever he was down.

And then there was Himchan. And Yongguk fully realized he had made his original problem even bigger. Or rather, he’d put his finger right where it hurt and discovered what the real issue was all this time. Because there was no universe where being jealous about your best friend potentially flirting with someone else was normal. Whether he liked it or not, he knew that it was time to face himself.

His mind immediately went back to that summer day two years before, when a simple hug from his best friend made his heart beat a little faster, and how he’d immediately decided to suppress that feeling as deep in his brain as he could. He wondered how many times he’d lost control for a split second and how many times he’d forced himself to ignore these little signs that resurfaced once in a while. He also wondered when this little game of suppressing deeper and deeper his feelings had become such a natural thing to him that he didn’t even notice he was doing it for such a long time. The truth came to him more like an undeniable fact than a revelation: Yongguk was in love with Himchan.

For a second, he was relieved that he’d finally accepted his feelings, unlocking a small box hidden in his mind that had been screaming at him for over a year when he’d refused to listen. A minute later he realized that, for a boy who didn’t ever consider the possibility of being in a relationship, for a boy who was so closed off he’d rather drink his feelings away than face his problems, falling in love with his best friend, one of the few people he opened up to, was not something to celebrate. And the timing wasn’t ideal either. While the two boys weren’t exactly fighting, they still had some talking to do after Yongguk had pulled his little stunt in Himchan’s room the week before, and they now had even more to talk about after what had happened the night before. There was no way that Himchan hadn’t asked about Yongguk after the boy vanished at the end of the night without saying goodbye to anyone. He had absolutely no idea what excuse he could find to explain his behavior without giving himself away but he already knew Himchan wasn’t going to buy it, not after they’d just decided to be more open to each other.

They had just decided to stop holding secrets from one another and he now had a big fat one that he could never confess.

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 11:09 am]

yongguk, are you okay? i asked yj about you and he said ji eun took you home last night and you weren’t feeling too well, i hope you’re feeling better

i’m sorry i was a shitty friend and didn’t pay attention to you last night but i thought you were fine, the last time i saw you you were talking to Junhong

anyway i’m sorry

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 11:29 am]

yongguk???

aaah you’re probably still sleeping, i’ll give you some space

just text me back when you feel better, okay???

Yongguk didn’t know what to reply. He didn’t even know if he felt any better.

[byg – 12:23 pm]

thanks for covering for me

[ ~ yjae babyyy ~ - 12:27 pm]

No problem

But the only reason I didn’t tell him you got drunk was because I know you’re in a tough situation right now

[byg – 12:31 pm]

thanks anyway

[ ~ yjae babyyy ~ - 12:33 pm]

But Yongguk

You can’t fool me, I’m not an idiot, I know what’s going on

And I understand things are a bit messy with Himchan right now but I won’t let you be miserable by yourself

Someday you’ll have to talk to him and be honest

[byg – 12:34 pm]

yeah sure i’ll do that and lose my best friend, wonderful idea

[ ~ yjae babyyy ~ - 12:37 pm]

Ugh

You two are equally as annoying, istg

Do whatever you want, but next time something upsets you, talk to me or Ji Eun or Daehyun or even Junhong instead of getting hammered

[byg – 12:39 pm]

i can agree to that

[ ~ yjae babyyy ~ - 12:41 pm]

Good

You have so many friends who care!!! It kills me that you don’t seem to realize that

[byg – 12:42 pm]

thanks again youngjae

i’ll deal with himchan later, okay? i still have a lot to figure out

in the meantime, don’t tell him anything, i want to deal with this on my own

Yongguk spent most of the afternoon in bed, trying to come up with a good excuse to explain his behavior from the previous night. Sure, Himchan wasn’t aware he’d spent most of the evening drinking thanks to Youngjae but he’d still disappeared like a thief in the night. His friend knew him too well to buy any half-assed excuse he could come up with. After a while, his head hurt from thinking too much and from the hangover that didn’t want to leave him be. He forced himself out of bed and took a shower, hoping it would wake him up and soothe his tired body. His muscles had been contracted all day from all the worrying and stress that he was putting himself through. The warm water made his head a little bit clearer and by the time he came out he already felt better.

He went down to see his mother, who gave him a little speech about moderating his drinking in the future – she’d heard Ji Eun go down the stairs in the middle of night and the girl had to confess why she was bringing him home, although she spared some details – which ended with a kiss on his forehead. His mother could never stay mad at him for long, especially when she could clearly see he had something on his mind.

He spent the rest of his evening helping her cook dinner and watching Friends reruns on TV. When his mother left to go to bed, he went back to his room, hopped on his bed and reached from the small black notebook in his bedside drawer. He found it crazy how negative thoughts inspired his writing and his music so easily.

Around 2 in the morning, he let himself collapse on his bed, feeling drained. He’d filled up almost seven pages of his notebook. His writing was barely legible on certain pages, he’d crossed out entire paragraphs, but at least he’d managed to pour his heart on the paper until he felt numb and empty and could finally sleep in peace. He’d seen his phone light up at least twice in the last two hours and he knew it was Himchan but he’d chosen to postpone his misery a little longer and crashed into his pillow, falling asleep all at once for the first time in a long time.

It seemed confessing to himself had truly opened a safe in his brain where his feelings were stored, hidden from the world and himself. All night his dreams were infested by images of his best friend and it was pleasant for once. No conflict, no concern, just… him. He woke up around seven o’clock from a very vivid dream, panting, one hand down his pair of boxers and still wet from what he’d just done and he realized he’d crossed a line that day.

He was awakened a second time by his phone vibrating furiously on his bedside table. He tried to ignore but every time it stopped, the person called back thirty seconds later. A groan escaped his lips as he lazily reached for his phone, taking the call without thinking.

“…Yes?” he mumbled, still not fully awake.

“Yongguk?” said a deep voice, filled with concern. “Finally!”

Hearing Himchan’s voice finished to wake him up and he sat up straight in his bed. Of course, it was Himchan, who else would insist that much? Yongguk wanted to slap himself, not only was he completely unprepared to speak with him but his cloudy mind wasn’t going to help.

“Oh my god, I was starting to think you’d died or something!” the other boy continued. “I was two calls away from showing up at your door!”

Yongguk lazily rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

“I’m… sorry, I just woke up,” he managed to mumble, his voice still hoarse.

“Well I hope you slept well while I was worrying about you!” Himchan nagged.

Yongguk felt himself blushing, remembering the dream he had earlier.

“I’m… I… Well… I’m sorry,” he stuttered.

“Are you okay, at least?” Himchan sighed, his tone a bit calmer but still concerned.

“I’m… fine,” he started, scratching his head for an excuse. He decided to go for the truth. Well, most of it. “Listen, I don’t know what happened the other night, okay? I was in a weird mood and I drank a little too much. You were busy, I didn’t want to bother you. And then Youngjae and Ji Eun took care of taking me home, and I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye but I just wasn’t thinking, alright?”

Hiding certain details doesn’t count as lying, does it?

“…Okay,” Himchan replied after a few seconds.

Yongguk could tell his friend was still dubious about his messy explanation but he didn’t question it.

“And I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier,” he added. “But you know… hangover and stuff.”

“Sure. Listen, we were already supposed to talk before that so we might as well do it now. I don’t have much to say, except I hope we won’t ever be in this situation again and I think the only way to make this happen is to just talk a little more, okay? And not keep things from each other.”

That was something Yongguk could not agree on, not anymore.

“I think if there’s something between us that could create another disagreement, isn’t it better to talk about it straight away? It’ll save us some time at least.”

Yongguk agreed, knowing full well he was lying.

“And about my parents…” Himchan continued, lowering his voice as if he was afraid someone would hear him. “They’re a pain in the ass, I know, but they’ll come around. We’ve been friends for two years already and I won’t let them, or anyone, try to convince me you’re a burden to me. I don’t believe this bullshit at all, I think you’re one of the smartest people I know.”

The other boy didn’t let himself bask in the compliment, he had something else on his mind.

“Hmm…” he started. “Himchan… If you had a crush on someone, would you tell me?”

“Of course, I would,” the other boy replied without missing a beat. “Why wouldn’t I? You’re my best friend.”

He said it all the time and Yongguk was used to hearing it by now. Himchan had told him once that, before he’d moved in this neighborhood, he had a bunch of friends but he’d always wanted to have a best friend. When the pair had first met, they had clicked instantly despite their differences and the boy hadn’t stopped reminding everyone that Yongguk was his Best Friend™ ever since. This time however, the words made Yongguk’s heart feel heavy. He had no expectations and yet it still hurt.

“Alright,” he simply replied.

“Why the question?” Himchan asked, still puzzled. “Wait… Do you have a crush on someone, Bang Yongguk? Because if that’s the case, you have to tell me everything. Right. Now.”

“No, I was just asking,” Yongguk lied again.

He was laying on the couch, his notebook wide open on his belly, when the doorbell rang. He’d spent the afternoon trying to make sense of the mess he’d written the night before but he had no luck this time. He wasn’t feeling inspired and the words on the paper were nothing but ink at that moment. He sighed, putting the notebook on the couch before he walked to the front door. He wasn’t expecting anyone. It was Sunday and his mother had left a few hours earlier to meet some friends so she wouldn’t be expecting anyone either. Maybe she forgot her keys, he thought while opening the door.

“Himchan, what are you do-“

He was vigorously pulled into a hug by his best friend. His face crashed into Himchan’s pink fluffy sweater and he was more than happy his friend couldn’t see his cheeks turning red. Himchan’s hugs were always a bit too tight and, while he hoped the other boy could not hear his heart beating fast in his chest, he did not pull away. What a sad masochist, he thought.

“I missed you, idiot.” Himchan said.

“We saw each other two days ago,” Yongguk replied when the boy finally let go of him. “You literally called me five hours ago.”

“Don’t be grumpy.”

Himchan pushed him to get inside the house. Yongguk’s house was a lot smaller than Himchan’s but the boy seemed to prefer being here. Even Yongguk had to admit that his messy living room was warmer and friendlier than Himchan’s Ikea house, where you could not find one piece of paper lying around.

“Just give me something to drink, I’m thirsty.”

Yongguk obliged, disappearing into the kitchen while his friend made his way into the living room.

“Yongguk, did you write this?” Himchan said as soon as the boy came back, a bottle of juice and two glasses in his hands.

He felt all the blood in his body rush to his face as he saw Himchan pointing to the notebook right next to him, left wide open on the couch. Words got stuck in his throat as he thought of what to say. He knew he was being ridiculous but to him this was almost as bad as confessing his feelings to his friend. It was another conversation he wasn’t ready to have.

He considered lying again for a second but Himchan recognized his handwriting.

“I knew you liked writing too! Do you also write poems, like your mom? This is ama-”

He stopped talking when he realized the other boy hadn’t moved an inch. He closed the notebook and put it back on the couch, taking in the awkward silence.

“Yongguk,” he said looking a bit guilty, “I’m sorry if I overstepped your boundaries a bit. I didn’t mean t-“

“I don’t write poems. Not anymore at least,” Yongguk interrupted him, deciding that coming clean was easier. He couldn’t tell his friend all his secrets but he could at least get rid of some of them. “I write music. These are lyrics.”

Himchan stared at him silently for a whole minute.

“That’s… even better,” He finally said.

Yongguk didn’t know what to say so he just put the glasses and the bottle on the coffee table and sat down next to him.

“I changed my mind,” Himchan spoke again after another minute passed. “You’re not the smartest person I know.”

Yongguk raised an eyebrow.

“But you’re probably the most talented.”

Chapter Text

On the last day of his autumn break, Yongguk was walking back home with Junhong. During the past week, he had worked at the restaurant twice and the young boy had been nagging him the entire time, asking him to come by his dance studio to see his progress. Yongguk would’ve agreed straight away if he hadn’t found it so entertaining to tease his friend.  

Watching Junhong practice wasn’t that far off from seeing a proper performance. The boy’s hard work showed in every single one of his moves. His attention to details was astonishing to Yongguk, especially when the boy never seemed completely satisfied with himself. They’d spent the entire afternoon alone with Jongup in the empty practice room, the two boys rehearsing the same songs over and over again, but Yongguk hadn’t been bored at all. Jongup had left early and after another hour of practice by himself, encouraged by his friend’s cheers, Junhong had decided he’d done enough for the day.

When they were younger, the two boys would often walk home together but ever since Yongguk entered high school, their age difference had become an issue. Junhong was still finishing middle school and he had to take the bus to the other side of the city, just like Yongguk had done for four years. Their friendship hadn’t suffered much from the distance however. Yongguk still felt like Junhong was the closest thing he had to a younger brother.

“By the way, Yongguk… Erm…” Junhong asked hesitantly, when the conversation between the two died down. “I wanted to ask…”

“What is it?” Yongguk said, curious as to what was making the boy hesitate. They were close enough that this rarely happened.

“About the other night… At the party…”

Ah. Well, he deserved to hear about the party until the day he died, apparently.

“It’s just that… I’m a bit worried about you.” Junhong continued. “I feel like… Even before that, you just seemed a little off these days, a little… distant?”

Yongguk scratched his head. What was he supposed to answer to that? He’d always had a tendency to disappear in his own world, that was nothing new. Nevertheless, if even his longtime friends noticed a difference in his behavior, maybe it was more obvious than he thought.

“I’ve just had… a lot on my mind lately.” Yongguk replied after a minute. “A little more than usual.”

“You know you can tell me everything!” Junhong exclaimed. “If you want to, of course.”

“Thanks, Junhong. Don’t worry, it’s nothing too bad, I’ll be alright.”

He knew if there was one person who would never judge him, especially not for falling in love with his best friend, it was Junhong. The one thing that stopped him, aside from the fact that he wasn’t ready to confess just yet, was that the young boy was almost too... optimistic. He already knew he would encourage him in his crush and he couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t let even a flicker of hope convince him that it would be a good idea to confess to Himchan, not when he already knew the outcome.

When they reached Junhong’s house, Yongguk waved goodbye to the boy and walked past his own house. When he hadn’t been with Junhong, he’d also spent the last few days providing company to Himchan while the latter was studying, trying to get ahead of the program as he always did. He didn’t do much, except play music and chat a bit when his friend took a break. He’d brought his notebook every time, feeling a little more confident in his writing now that his best friend was supporting him. He hadn’t played anything he’d written to Himchan yet, he still needed more time to reveal something so intimate. He wasn’t even sure he would let his friend read anything more than he already had, but Himchan never asked and Yongguk had just gone through his notebook peacefully, changing lyrics and putting songs together silently as his friend studied next to him.

He spontaneously kept walking towards Himchan’s house. He was fairly confident that the boy would spend his last day of freedom studying again. With the heavy workload that Himchan put himself through, his only way to still have free time was to study everything in advance.

Yongguk knocked on the door, briefly greeted Himchan’s parents and went straight to his friend’s bedroom. He stopped in the corridor, startled by the music coming from the other side of the door. He could hear someone playing the piano, a soft tune that he’d never heard before. After a minute, he opened the door – without knocking, he was curious but he didn’t want to interrupt.

The brown piano in the corner of Himchan’s room had always been there but Yongguk had never paid much attention to it. He’d never heard his friend play and had just assumed that it was one of the many things that Himchan had been forced to learn as a kid. The boy loved music so it shouldn’t come as a surprise. Still, Yongguk was mesmerized by the sight of his friend sitting in front of the majestic instrument, his back perfectly straight and his hands delicately running over the keys as if they were touching something precious. He leaned on the doorframe, silently listening to the soft melody. The piece was simple but beautiful, gentle enough to awake a sensation of perfect peace within Yongguk. Eventually it came to an end and Himchan just kept staring at the keys, lost in his own mind and unaware of his friend’s presence.

“Wow,” was all Yongguk managed to say.

Himchan turned around suddenly, surprise painted on his face.

“How long have you been here?” he asked, a bit flustered.

The sight of his friend blushing because of him made Yongguk feel warm, in a way that was uncomfortable now that he knew what it meant.

“Just a few minutes,” he replied. “I didn’t know you still played.”

“I rarely ever play, to be honest,” Himchan said while standing up and stretching. “I can’t find the time or the motivation to learn new songs. And I’m not a music genius like you, I can’t just make shit up.”

Yongguk brushed off the compliment with one hand and hopped on Himchan’s bed like he always did, elbows resting on his crossed legs.

“I came because I thought you were studying again. Thought you might enjoy the company.”

“I was earlier but I think I’ve done enough.” Himchan replied, sitting next to Yongguk. “But I still don’t mind the company.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes. Yongguk could tell his friend had something on his mind but he let him decide if he wanted to tell him or not. After a while, Himchan let out a deep sigh.

“I’m not particularly excited about going back to school tomorrow,” he said.

“I’m not either, but that’s a surprise to nobody,” Yongguk tried when his friend didn’t add anything more. “But it’ll be fine, just like always.”

“I know,” Himchan replied, looking down at his own feet. “But even if I don’t want to let it get to me, I can still feel the pressure of this year. Even when no one is looking over my shoulder, I can’t help but put pressure on myself.”

“Himchan… You have the best grades in our class, maybe even in our entire school.” Yongguk said. “You’ll be accepted in any university you choose, regardless of how much time you spent studying this year. You’re already better than everyone else.”

“I know,” the boy repeated. “Knowing that doesn’t make me feel better though.”

The boys sat in silence again, both lost in their own thoughts. Yongguk had always been worried about the pressure Himchan – and his parents – put himself through but he knew it would be worth it in the end. He would have a bright future and these hours spent studying would mean something in the end, whether it was a diploma and a career like his parents hoped or something else. If he could master this kind of discipline and stick to it for years, he could practically do anything in Yongguk’s eyes.

Yongguk was still deep in his own thoughts when Himchan turned towards him and suddenly took one of his hands in between his. Startled by the gesture, he looked up to see two dark orbs staring at him with intensity.

“Yongguk,” the boy said, his voice deep and serious. “Promise me that whatever happens, even if we end up choosing different lives, that we’ll keep supporting each other.”

A few weeks before, when he was still stuck in a state of denial and self-pity, it would have been difficult for him to make such a promise. This time however, with Himchan’s warm hands holding his tightly, he realized his entire being ached for a future with him, even if they remained nothing but friends.

“I promise.”

As time went by, Yongguk found these little gestures that had always been part of their routine a little hard to handle. His friend poking him teasingly, the occasional hand holding… They were nothing new, Himchan had always been very tactile. It was his way of showing affection. But in the light of his own revelation, they made Yongguk more and more flustered each time, feeling a bit overwhelmed by the physical contact, however small it was.

As school and routine took over their lives again, he found himself unconsciously avoiding these moments, creating a little more distance between the two. It wasn’t too obvious at first. He would remove his arm fast enough when he saw his best friend naturally reaching for it or sit slightly further away from him in class or at lunch. After a couple of weeks however, he started to notice a change in his friend’s behavior too. Their conversations were the same but Himchan stopped reaching for him altogether. Yongguk wondered if his friend had noticed about the distance and decided to go along without questioning it. He knew he should have felt relieved at this outcome since he was the one who’d initiated it. To his surprise, his reaction was the complete opposite. The more distance there was between them, the more he craved Himchan’s light touches.

When they were sitting in class, Yongguk doodling while Himchan listened intently to the teacher, he found himself struggling to not reach over to his friend. He’d never imagined he could have this kind of withdrawal as it was never something he’d paid attention to before. Himchan was always the one who initiated contact. Yongguk wasn’t comfortable reaching for his friend because it simply wasn’t the way their friendship functioned; it felt odd, unusual, as if he was disrupting the natural order of things.

By the end of November, they were getting nearer to a new series of exams and it wasn’t long until Himchan disappeared again in between piles of books. Yongguk tried not to anticipate this moment, already planning to visit Junhong and Ji Eun more during that time to compensate the lack of Himchan, but it was a lost cause. If he was already experiencing withdrawal when his friend was right next to him, nothing could prepare him for what would happen once he wouldn’t be.

They were walking home side by side one evening after Himchan’s tutoring when he finally gave in. Himchan was blabbering about the holidays, his favorite time of the year, and how he couldn’t wait to see Christmas lights all over the city. Yongguk wasn’t listening, his mind concentrated on the way his hand was only a few centimeters away from his friend’s. Eventually he reached for it without thinking, grabbing Himchan’s hand tight like a child holds his mother’s. He felt himself blushing but his friend kept talking casually, unbothered by the gesture. When Yongguk glanced towards him, the boy sent him a satisfied, knowing smile before going back to his original topic. That was when he realized this had been a cat and mouse game between the two all along.

Not only had Himchan noticed Yongguk creating distance between them, but he’d played along on purpose hoping the boy would cave in. He felt a wave of warmth wash through his entire body and he wondered for a second if his friend could feel his hand getting moist from the embarrassment. He decided not to question the implications of this little game and didn’t stop holding his hand until they reached his house.

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 18:23 am]

i missed this

[byg – 18:26 am]

missed what

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 18:27 am]

nevermind

why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

[byg – 18:29 am]

kim himchan

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 18:30 am]

just go along with it grandpa

because the pee is silent

[byg – 18:31 am]

i created a monster

Winter had well and truly started. The icy wind cut right through Yongguk as he walked back to the school, a cup of coffee in each hand just like every Mondays. Not only had the weather gotten a lot colder over the past few weeks but the days were also shorter. The soft shades of pink and orange that painted the sky were a beautiful sight but they also reminded him that the temperatures were about to drop even lower as the night descended on the city. He’d taken his time in the small coffee shop to avoid waiting outside but he was a little late to join his best friend.

Once he reached the main school building, perfectly silent at this hour of the day, he could vaguely hear Himchan’s voice in the distance. He walked towards the room where the boy did all his tutoring sessions. As he got closer, he heard another familiar voice coming from the same spot – Youngjae? When he was close enough to understand more than detached words, he slowed down his walk to listen.

“It’s really not a big deal,” the voice said. “You could make everything easier for yourself and you know how.”

It was unmistakingly Youngjae. The boy had already asked several times if he could attend some of Himchan’s session so he could level up his grades.

“It is a big deal,” Himchan whined. “You talk as if it’s easy confessing to your crush, especially when you’re in my position!”

A very small, slightly masochistic part of him wanted to stop while he was still out of the boys’ sight to hear more but he let his legs carry him towards them. He listened to his reason for once, which was screaming to him that he did not want to know more.

Youngjae let out a deep sigh.

“You’re impossible, I give up,” the boy said. “I’ve tried to reason with you but if you decide to make your life a living hell anyway, that’s on you. I just don’t understand why you keep coming to me for advice if you won’t list-“

Yongguk turned one last corner and the two boys appeared in his sight. Himchan was standing near the doorframe of the classroom, his back towards Yongguk. Youngjae, however, was facing him and did not miss his sudden apparition, stopping in the middle of his sentence. The look on his face wasn’t far from a kid caught stealing candy, which only made Yongguk feel worse.

“Yongguk!” he blurted, obviously taken aback. “We thought you’d already left since you weren’t here!”

Himchan instantly turned around, eyes wide and cheeks flushed. Yongguk wanted to slap himself for thinking about how beautiful he looked at such a moment.

“I took a little longer than usual, I’m sorry,” he replied.

He walked closer to his two friends, handing the cup of coffee to Himchan. His best friend took it without a word, his eyes suddenly glued to the floor. He looked even more guilty than Youngjae.

The three boys departed. Youngjae was desperately trying to make conversation despite the uncomfortable atmosphere, and as soon as they reached the point where he had to separate from his two friends, he missed no time to escape the awkwardness. The silent was heavy between Himchan and Yongguk for the rest of the way, the two boys avoiding each other’s looks. Yongguk’s heart was heavy as well. He hadn’t forgotten the incident with Yongsun, the girl from Daehyun’s Halloween party, but a month had passed without any sign of it happening again. The only time Yongguk had seen the two interact since then was one time when they bumped into each other at school and it mainly consisted of them saying hello before leaving for their next class. He’d been so busy worrying about his own feelings for the boy next to him that he’d put aside the possibility of Himchan being interested by someone else.

They stopped in front of Yongguk’s house, looking at each other for the first time since they’d left school. Himchan still had that guilty look in his eyes but he also looked like he terribly wanted to say something. For a few seconds, the boys stared in silence before Yongguk decided to let it go for the day. What would he even say? Hey Himchan, I want to know why you look like you were caught red-handed when I surprised you talking about your crush, only a few weeks after you said we wouldn’t keep secrets from each other. Oh and by the way, I’m only asking because I have a big fat crush on you and it would absolutely shatter me to learn you’re interested in someone else.

So, he was about to tell him goodbye like every single day when Himchan reached towards him and grabbed his wrist, his fingers cold on Yongguk’s skin.

“Yongguk, I…” he started, visibly struggling to find the words. “I just…”

“Don’t worry,” Yongguk replied. “Everything’s fine.”

It wasn’t, not for him at least, but he didn’t want to part on a bad note with his best friend. It usually didn’t end well.

Himchan nodded but he kept holding Yongguk’s wrist, looking away pensively. When his eyes turned back to meet his friend’s again, they were filled with unshed tears and Yongguk’s heart broke for the second time this day.

“Can I stay?” Himchan spoke, his voice higher than usual. “I know it’s a weekday but… Please…”

Yongguk felt a mix of anger and protectiveness rise instinctively inside of him. He knew exactly why Himchan was asking, it was no secret how hellish Himchan’s household could become at times with the pressure and expectations that came from being a member of the Kim family. He had rarely seen Himchan break under pressure so suddenly however, which made him wonder just how far his parents had managed to push the boy for him to want to avoid going home.

Yongguk took both of his friend’s hands in his, pulling the boy into a tight hug. Himchan’s face landed on the crook of his neck comfortably as Yongguk’s arms circled the boy’s shoulders to get him closer. He felt a few warm tears roll down the boy’s cheeks and land on his neck.   

“You’re always welcome here.”

Chapter Text

For the first time in a very long time, Yongguk woke up before his alarm on a weekday. In any other circumstances, he would have considered it a miracle but he knew exactly why he was awake so early. After talking to Himchan right before going to bed, it had taken him a while to fall asleep. His friend had told him how an argument had erupted between him and his parents from a simple passing complaint he had made about having too much homework. School had always been a touchy subject between the boy and his parents, Himchan studied a lot but it seemed like it was never enough for them. Their relationship had worsened since his sister left home a few years back and there was no one to stop the fights from escalating. That was exactly what had happened the day before, his father telling him that if he found school too difficult he would never be able to make something out of himself later. Himchan, who hadn’t been fully awake at that time, made the mistake of talking back and a few minutes after, his parents were already threatening to lock him up until Christmas to study properly and “learn how to be a decent son.” Yongguk had kept his anger to himself, deciding it wasn’t the right time for that since Himchan still looked a bit shaken. His mother had made the effort to keep the conversation light during dinner, not asking the boy why he looked like a kicked puppy even though she must have had an idea. So Yongguk had listened patiently, trying to be as supportive as he could be in that moment until Himchan was too tired to talk and ended up falling asleep. However, he had trouble falling asleep as fast as his friend.

First, because he was genuinely worried about Himchan. His parents were perfectly capable of locking him up for a few years, only allowing him to go out for school and taking away everything that could possibly be a distraction. Yongguk didn’t doubt that for one second. The further they got into this year, the more the boy looked tired. He knew the workload wasn’t the real problem – they didn’t seem to have more homework than the previous years, although Yongguk wouldn’t be the right person to judge. He was just under a different kind of pressure this time. He had to succeed this year to be able to go to a good university, one that his parents could boast about. Yongguk was very aware of how nervous Himchan had become over the past few weeks and he hadn’t missed the boy trying to contain his anxiety when they were together.

Second, because even in the midst of all this, he still couldn’t forget the conversation he had walked in on between Himchan and Youngjae earlier. There was a small part of him that was satisfied with his best friend having on a crush on someone else, as long he was happy. A bigger and much louder part of him was purely heartbroken by the thought of him liking someone else. He knew it was selfish to think of himself at such a time but his feelings kept growing stronger each day since he’d realized he was in love with the other boy. He wasn’t sure how to handle being friends with Himchan if the boy was to date someone else, when the thought of it alone was enough to awake his anxiety.

Third, because they were cramped in his tiny bed, Himchan’s back pressed against his own, and he could feel the other boy’s chest rising with each breath intake. His friend was fast asleep but the closeness made Yongguk more self-aware than ever before. His body wanted him to turn around and wrap his arms around the boy’s torso and hold him tight against his own while his mind wanted him to run away. He did neither, choosing to stare at the wall instead until he fell asleep.

His dreams weren’t peaceful in the slightest and he woke up just as tired and worried as the day before. He carefully climbed over the other boy’s body, trying his best not to wake him up – he still had a good twenty-five minutes left before his alarm clock went off and Yongguk wasn’t about to restrict anyone’s sleep. He was about to go wash up when he made the mistake of looking back at Himchan.

He didn’t know whether it was the messy hair randomly spread over the boy’s forehead or his plump lips, slightly parted as he breathed deeply in his sleep, or even that one pale arm that peaked out of the cover that shortened his breathing. All he knew was that the sight made his heart melt and he had to escape as quickly as possible.

When he peacefully returned from the bathroom, he was greeted with an even more beautiful sight. Himchan was awake, sat on the bed, struggling to keep his eyes open. His cheeks were a bit puffy, a light shade of pink coloring them. He stretched his arms and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes like a child. If Yongguk could throw his heart out of the window, he would have done it with no hesitation.

“Yongguk?” Himchan said after a few seconds, his voice a bit whiny.

He realized he was staring and turned away quickly, feeling his entire face turn red. It was too early to deal with this.

“Morning,” he replied, pretending to look for clothes to lend to his friend in his closet while he tried to keep his emotions in check. “Let’s get ready quickly so we have time to sit down for breakfast.”

They barely any had time to sit down before it was already time to leave for school. The boys were just about to walk out the door when Yongguk’s mom stopped them. She grabbed Himchan’s hands in her smaller ones and looked at the boy with caring eyes.

“Himchan,” she started. “You know you’re always welcome here, especially when you’re going through a tough time. But running away is rarely the best solution. It’s not easy, I know, but try to make up with your parents.”

“I know,” the boy replied, looking down. “I will.”

She ruffled his hair as if he was a small child in need of comforting, reaching up because of their height difference. Yongguk couldn’t help but smile at the scene. His mother turned to him and gave him a quick kiss on the forehead, wishing the boys a good day, and he thought for what was probably the thousandth time that he was unbelievably lucky to have her.

Himchan’s fights with his parents became more frequent during the few weeks separating them from winter break. He avoided the subject while they were at school, it was obvious he didn’t want to bring up the subject before the rest of their friends. During the day, he was the same bright person as usual, joking around and helping their classmates. However, when the two boys walked home together after school, he would tell Yongguk about the endless arguments over the dinner table, the spiteful comments his parents would send him every morning at breakfast and how he endured it all, knowing the more he talked back, the worse it would get. And Yongguk did his best to support him, although most of the time he struggled to find the words that would make his friend’s sorrow go away. Himchan spent as much time as he could in his friend’s house. Sometimes they sat in silence, side by side, Himchan studying while Yongguk listened to music or wrote in his notebook. Sometimes they played video games, or talked about anything but what was going on between the boy and his parents. He would stay until he heard Yongguk’s mother parking in front of the house and he would swiftly escape before he felt like a burden.

The boys would spend a lot of time together on the weekends too. A week before winter break started, they were lazily lying on Yongguk’s bed, obviously making the most of their Saturday afternoon. Somehow while they chatted around, Yongguk ended up with his head resting on Himchan’s thigh, the other boy’s hand nestled in his messy hair. He had no idea how he’d found himself in this situation but he sure wasn’t complaining. He looked up to see his friend pensively staring into space.

“Do you think they’ll go back to normal once the exams are over?” Yongguk asked. “Your parents, I mean.”

“I don’t know,” Himchan said. “I don’t think so.”

“Even once the year is over? When you get into whatever university they want you to attend?”

He had no doubt Himchan would be taken at any university he would apply for.

“I don’t think so.” Himchan repeated sadly.

Yongguk groaned, trying to ignore his friend softly massaging his head.

“Now I understand why your sister moved out so fast.”

Himchan smiled sadly.

“Is it bad that I’m still looking forward to Christmas even if I know it’ll be probably be awkward? I know my parents won’t start a fight while my grandparents are there, they like to pretend we’re the perfect family in front of the rest of our relatives even if no one ever buys it. Besides, I’m almost done Christmas shopping for everyone.”

“They don’t deserve your presents.”

“Don’t be like this,” Himchan said, gently tapping him on the forehead.

Yongguk was amazed at how polite Himchan remained when talking about his parents, even when they were so unfair towards him. It was the only thing stopping Yongguk from straight up insulting them.

“I think I’m looking forward to the 27^th more than anything,” Himchan said.

It had become their tradition for the past two years to meet on the 27^th of December. Himchan’s relatives usually left on the 26^th, the same day Yongguk came back from his grandmother’s house. The two boys had met in Yongguk’s bedroom the day after to exchange presents ever since they became friends. They had been joined by Ji Eun last year and they’d organized a second Christmas just for the three of them. It was simple but it made for great memories, especially since Himchan always hyped up his gifts weeks in advance and never disappointed. He saved all the pocket money he made from tutoring to give his friends the best presents every year. If gift-giving had been a sport, Himchan would have been a gold medalist.

“Me too,” Yongguk answered.

A comfortable silence settled between them for a few minutes, Himchan’s hand still playing with his hair. Yongguk closed his eyes, taking in how nice it felt to let himself be close to his friend like this, and how it was even nicer not worrying about it. It felt natural, taking care of each other in the smallest ways. Even after weeks of pining and avoiding any physical contact, he hadn’t hesitated a second to throw his own feelings aside to support his friend when he needed it the most. And just as he was thinking how relieving it felt not to overthink everything for once…

“Been a while since you let me be this close,” Himchan whispered, breaking the silence.

Yongguk looked up to see his friend smirking down at him, a playful glint in his eye. He felt his cheeks heat up instantly and he crossed his arms in front of his face in shame. Possibly the least subtle method to hide a creeping blush. His friend’s hearty laugh resonated in his bedroom.

Christmas came around faster than Yongguk had expected. He woke up in a haste on the 22^nd of December because he had obviously put off packing his suitcase until the very last minute. His mother and him always spent Christmas with his grandmother, a few hours away from where they lived. His grandfather had passed away before he was born. While he had a few other relatives he saw once in a blue moon, he’d always felt like his mother and his grandmother were the only people he could truly call family. Every single moment spent with her was precious to him. He wished he could tell her just how important she had been during his childhood, since she had been his mother’s main support during tough times and had taken care of him countless times when she wasn’t available, but words failed him every time he tried. She already knew anyway, but he just wished he was a little better at showing his emotions, especially when his grandmother always showered him with love as soon as he’d walked one step into her house. This year was no exception.

As soon as he stepped out of his mother’s car, his grandmother, who’d been waiting for them sat on the small bench in the front garden, came up to him to tell him how handsome and grown he looked and how much she’d missed him. Yongguk smiled shyly, embarrassed by all the attention and hugged her small body as a thank you.

The holidays were always a simple event for the small family, they didn’t invite anyone else and didn’t plan anything big. On the 22^nd, Yongguk and his mother decorated the house as soon as they arrived, as they did every year. During the evening, they gathered around the television after dinner to watch whatever cheesy Christmas film was on. His mother was the only one following the film, his grandmother already half asleep in her old rocking chair. Yongguk was half listening, more interested in his phone than the film.

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 9:13 pm]

do you think if i secretly pour more wine in my dad’s glass he won’t notice me sneaking out

cause this is the most boring dinner ever

[byg – 9:14 pm]

don’t do that

isn’t your sister here already

??

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 9:15 pm]

nah she’ll be here tomorrow, what a traitor

its only my parents, my grandparents and me

and they keep talking about work and other adult stuff and i want to Die

this is almost making me regret the fighting, at least there was some action

[byg – 9:17 pm]

you don’t mean that

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 9:19 pm]

of course i don’t you burnt nugget

anyway

send me some dad jokes so i can survive without finishing the whole bottle of wine by myself

[byg – 9:20 pm]

do i really have to

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 9:23 pm]

yes

you started this, it’s your duty now

[byg – 9:27 pm]

wanna hear a joke about paper

nevermind it’s tearable

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 9:29 pm]

…

you can do better

[byg – 9:30 pm]

I WAS UNDER PRESSURE YOU ASKED SO SUDDENLY

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 9:31 pm]

~ wow  ~ he used all caps, this is serious business

[byg – 9:33 pm]

i’m never talking to you again

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 9:34 pm]

as if you could survive without me

On the 23^rd, as the weather was unexpectedly good for December, they all went on a walk around a vast lake a few minutes away from the house. They walked slowly to match his grandmother’s pace, breathing a different air from the one they were used to back in the city. Yongguk had lots of memories of him watching other kids run around the lake, their parents chasing after them, while he’d sat down on a bench with his mother. He’d already been very reserved as a child, only talking to a handful of friends and his mother. He’d often wished to be more adventurous, to be one of these kids that came home with mud all over their body just for a day. But the swans that guarded the waters had always scared him and he’d never liked the bugs that infested the reeds so he’d stayed away.

“Do you remember when we used to sit here when you were a kid?” his mother said, pointing at the nearest bench as if she could read his mind.

Yongguk nodded.

“You were afraid of getting close to the water so we’d just stay here for hours, looking at the other children play around,” she continued pensively. “I didn’t envy their parents though, it was very easy looking after you in comparison.”

“I still don’t like getting mud on my clothes,” Yongguk said. “But I feel like if Ji Eun had been here, I probably would have ended up completely covered in it every single time.”

“She always managed to get you out of your comfort zone somehow. It’s a shame you two can’t see each other often anymore,” she replied. “I guess you got Himchan for that now.”

They didn’t talk much for the rest of the walk.

Later in the evening, the boy had to go through every single video taken of him as a child his grandmother possessed, as if he hadn’t seen them a million times before. He’d been a cute kid, he had to admit, but for some reason he felt embarrassed sitting between the two women who’d raised him while they cooed over a tiny version of him. He was about to escape swiftly in between two tapes when his grandmother stopped him and asked him to sit down.

“You know the neighbors helped me clean the garage the other day,” she said. “And I found this.”

She showed him a tape he’d never seen before. Judging by the date written on it, he must have been six when it was shot.

“I haven’t watched it yet but I’m fairly certain it’s one of you. We don’t seem to film anyone else around here.”

His curiosity was peaked. Why would they store a tape of him in his grandmother’s garage, a part of the house where she rarely ever went to since she’d stopped driving fifteen years ago?

The date that appeared on the screen suggested this was shot on his birthday. After a few seconds of  nothing, his small face popped up as well, surrounded by balloons and looking slightly confused at what was going on. He could hear music in the background as well as his mother’s voice calling his name and telling him to smile from out of the shot. There was also a hand holding his tiny wrist and he knew it didn’t belong to his mother. He couldn’t tell who else was there because the camera was entirely focused on him. But soon the person handed him a present and the camera zoomed out to reveal who it was. It made Yongguk feel like someone had just poured a bucket of cold water over him. He sat up straight on his grandmother’s small couch, not entirely sure he believed what he was seeing.

“Happy birthday my son! You’re already so grown up!”

The man on television was a complete stranger to him, yet he recognized his features even if he looked younger than Yongguk remembered. He had recollection of this ever happening, his father had already shown up at his birthday once or twice but it had always been quick and awkward, nothing like the scene that was playing in front of him. The man on TV smiled from ear to ear, gently handing him out a present bigger than the boy’s face. Yongguk saw himself clap from excitement before taking the gift in his small hands.

The whole scene probably looked like a regular family video to a stranger but it felt like a punch in the stomach to him. He could feel his mother watching him with worried eyes next to him but his eyes stayed glued to the screen. He’d always considered himself lucky to have his angel of a mother and he’d never felt like he’d missed anything growing up. Some people had huge families and siblings to play with but he was used to being by himself, there was nothing he could do to change that. He had a loving family and that was all he could hope for. Nevertheless, seeing a man who he still had to call his father despite the circumstances talk to him and hold him like he was truly his son, like they had ever been more than simply genetically related, this revived thoughts and feelings in him that only came out in his darkest hours. Sometimes, when his anxiety took over and left him raw, his brain would wonder why other children had the privilege of growing up with two parents when he’d never had a choice, why his mother had to take care of him alone when she could barely balance work with her personal life while others had lived comfortably during their childhood. He’d never cried over his family situation before because it was just the way it was and he didn’t think a family needed a father to be a family. Still, he felt tears start to pool in his eyes at the sight of this man who’d practically abandoned him smile at a smaller version of himself as if he had the right to treat him like a son.

He stood up without thinking, not wanting to look a second more at the screen. He didn’t want to spoil the festive mood but it was too much to handle for him.

“Yongguk – “ his mother tried to say.

“Don’t worry.” He interrupted before he escaped as fast as he could to his room.

 [(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 10:47 pm]

my sister is an angel, i will never call her a traitor ever again!!

she helped me escape bf they ask me about school or uni plans

[byg – 10:56 pm]

i miss you

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 10:58 pm]

is everything okay???

[byg – 10:59 pm]

yeah

just

my father

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 10:59 pm]

ah

[byg – 11:00 pm]

he’s not here or anything

but yeah

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 11:01 pm]

ah

do you want me to call you??

[byg – 11:02 pm]

no don’t bother

i just want to think about something else

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 11:04 pm]

you know i miss you too right??

it wouldn’t be so bad if you were here o(╥﹏╥)o

but we’ll see each other soon!!

in the meantime try to spend some quality time with your family, it’s important too

[byg – 11:04 pm]

hm hm

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 11:06 pm]

also bang

i

want you to know

[deleted message]

[byg – 11:11 pm]

???

i didn’t have time to see that

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 11:15 pm]

nevermind

it’s not important

i can’t wait to see your pouty face!!

[byg – 11:16 pm]

i’m still ????

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 11:17 pm]

I said n e v e r m i n d

[byg- 11:18 pm]

okay

you’re weird

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 11:18 pm]

and that’s why you love me!! ☆(◒‿◒)☆

Yongguk knew he looked stupid smiling to his phone, lying on his bed by himself but he couldn’t help it. Well, he’s not wrong, he thought.

He was awakened the next day by the sound of his phone buzzing furiously on the wooden bedside table. Eyes still half closed, he took the call without checking the screen. Who called this early on Christmas Eve?

“…Hello?” he said, his voice still rough from his sleepiness.

“Yongguk?” a familiar voice replied. “It’s your dad.”

Ah. Talk about good timing.

“Am I calling too early?” the man continued. “I’m sorry, we’re expecting relatives to show up by noon so today is going to be a little busy and I wanted to have time to wish you and your mother merry Christmas.”

“…Uhm,” Yongguk replied. His conversations with his father were always awkward because it felt like talking to a stranger except he had to pretend he cared for that stranger for some reason. “Merry Christmas to you too. And the kids.”

“Listen, I forgot you spent Christmas at your grandmother’s so I sent your gift to your house, okay? You’ll find it in a few days when you get home alright. Enjoy the holidays with your mother.”

“Uh… Dad?” Yongguk said, before the man hung up. It felt odd calling him that but he thought it’d probably be rude to call his father by his first name. “Can I ask you something?”

“…Sure.” The other man replied, the curiosity obvious in his tone.

Yongguk never asked him anything, he merely answered whatever question his father asked him and made sure the calls were as quick as possible not to make the awkwardness any longer. He didn’t know what prompted him to ask this time, maybe because it really was too early and he wasn’t fully awake yet.  

“Do you remember my birthday?” he said. “When I turned five, I mean.”

The man stayed silent for a bit and Yongguk regretted asking almost instantly.

“It was a long time ago, neverm –“ he started to say but was cut by the other man.

“No, I remember.” His father said. “We spent the whole day together, with your mom too. It was a long time ago though. Why do you ask?”

“Nothing, just… Grandma found a tape of it yesterday. I don’t remember any of it, so…”

“It’s no surprise you don’t remember, you were too little. But you were adorable,” The man said, with a fondness in his voice Yongguk usually only heard when his father talked about his half-siblings. It only made his heart ache more. “And so excited! It’s a good memory.”

Yongguk felt like he needed to end the call quickly. This was a bad idea.

“Hmm…” he said. “Listen, I have to go help mom prepare dinner and stuff. Merry Christmas to your family again.”

“Merry Christmas, son.”

The rest of the day was indeed spent preparing dinner. Christmas dinner was no joke in their household, his mother and grandmother teaming up to prepare enough food to last them a whole week. Yongguk just hung around the kitchen all day, helping here and there whenever they let him. Every hour or so, he would get an update from Himchan, telling him how he was contemplating stealing the remaining bottles of wine before the adults finished them all or how he’d managed to beat his sister at that video game they always played and “see, i’m not that bad bang, you’re just better than me!!” It brought a smile to his face, knowing things weren’t going too bad while he was away. He was glad his older sister was with him, he knew she would always defend him if necessary.

The rest of his time at his grandmother’s went by smoothly. Christmas Eve was joyful, Christmas day even better. Yongguk was a little overwhelmed by the amount of love the two women gave him. His mother always bought him too many gifts even if she didn’t earn a lot of money. She’d even bought him a new notebook, quite similar to the old one that was sitting on his bedside table.

“It just seemed like you might need a new one soon, since you’re always writing.” she said when he sent her an inquisitive look.

He received a lot of excited texts from his friends as well – no one could beat Junhong in the number of emojis used in one single text though – and Ji Eun called him around noon. He tried to reply to everyone with the same excitement – with a little less emojis however.

Before he went to bed, Himchan called him to tell him all about the presents he’d received. Yongguk had to admit the Kims were almost professionals when it came to gift-giving. Too bad they weren’t as good at giving love to their children. He went to bed peacefully and a little excited to go home the next day. He loved staying with his grandmother and would miss her as soon as they left but he missed the comfort and familiarity of his own bedroom.

[byg – 11:38 am]

we’re about to leave in a few minutes

i’ll be here by 2 or 3 i think

Yongguk slept the whole way through the drive back home. He knew he wouldn’t see Himchan today, the boy’s grandparents always left in the evening. He was still surprised to find no reply from him when he woke up. His friend was usually quite fast at replying to texts, even when he was busy.

[byg – 4:02 pm]

i arrived about an hour ago

is everything fine for you?

[byg – 7:13 pm]

himchan?

[byg – 10:52 pm]

i’m starting to worry

you’re still coming over tomorrow right?

It felt odd, not receiving any news from his friend for a whole day. Himchan was usually the one who texted first and it made him worry something had happened to him. Or maybe he’s just busy and you’re bothering him again? a small part of his brain kept telling him. He shushed it and went to bed early, worry eating him as he fell asleep.

Still no news as he woke up the next day. He called Youngjae and Daehyun hoping they might know what was going on but the two boys were as clueless as him. He tried to think about something else during the rest of the day, after all maybe Himchan’s family had just stayed over longer than usual and the boy was truly busy. He knew deep down it wasn’t true, Himchan would never miss spending the 27^th with him. He hadn’t shut up about it for a whole week, excited as a puppy to give Yongguk his present. By five in the afternoon, he was ready to check by Himchan’s house, not wanting to wait any longer. He knew he wasn’t overreacting, no one knew Himchan like him. The boy couldn’t wait twenty-four hours before telling the whole world about his day, nevermind forty-eight. He was about to leave when his mother convinced him otherwise.

“They’re probably still celebrating as a family and it would be rude to show up uninvited. Just wait a little longer, if by tomorrow night you still have no news, then you can go.”

He didn’t have to wait until the next day. He was lying in bed, trying to find sleep despite the circumstances when his phone’s screen lit up.

[Unknown number – 12:36 am]

yongguk?

it’s me

himchan

[byg – 12:36 am]

finally!!

why are you not texting from your phone tho

[Unknown number – 12:37 am]

i stole my grandma’s phone to text you

[byg – 12:37 am]

don’t steal an old woman’s phone!!!

but wait

your grandma

why

 [Unknown number – 12:38 am]

because my grandparents took mine

i’m not home bang

i’m at my grandma’s house

my parents sent me away with her yesterday sigh

to “reflect on my actions from the past few weeks”

Yongguk didn’t wait to hear more before he pressed the call button. His anxiety had turned into rage in a fraction of a second, it almost scared him.

“They can’t do that!” he said before Himchan even had time to say hello. “Why do they keep trying to hurt you like this?!”

“Shhh,” Himchan whispered. “My grandma is sleeping in the next room, I don’t want to get caught using her phone. I didn’t think they would go this far… but honestly… I’m not that surprised.”

“You know why they’re doing that, right?” Yongguk said, whispering too this time. “They could’ve sent you away at the beginning of winter break, or have you spend Christmas with your other grandparents on the other fucking side of the country if they truly wanted you to “reflect”. But oh no, they had to wait until I was back home to have you suddenly disappear. Weird coincidence, if you ask me.”

“I know,” Himchan replied sadly. “They know that they could lock me up in my room and I wouldn’t bat an eyelash as long as I could keep talking to you. They figured out somehow that the only way they could punish me is by separating us completely. Because they know nothing could hurt me more, I guess.”

Himchan’s voice faltered a bit at the end. In the middle of his rage, Yongguk felt his heart beat a little faster at his friend’s words. It shouldn’t come as a surprise; the two boys did talk 24/7 and the feeling was mutual. But it was something else, hearing his best friend whom he was in love with say these words out loud. This just wasn’t something you would say to a friend, best friends or not.

He didn’t know how to reply. Anything that would come out of his mouth at this moment where he felt more vulnerable than ever would give his feelings away. He didn’t have to reply, as Himchan spoke again first.

“But don’t worry Bang. I won’t stay here long. I’ll find a way, just wait for me, okay?”

Chapter Text

The boys only talked at night. Himchan was afraid of his grandmother finding out he stole her phone to text Yongguk so he waited until she went to bed to take it from her purse and always put it back before going to sleep. Yongguk tried his best to be understanding but the days still felt long waiting for that one text. It wasn’t even because Himchan was away – he’d already survived weeks without him before in the past, he could do it again. It was that he didn’t know when he was coming back, and a small but loud part of his brain couldn’t help worrying about what would happen then. What if Himchan’s parents still tried to separate them? What if they really locked him up? He’d always considered himself the weaker one in their friendship but their phone conversation the night Himchan first used his grandmother’s phone had made him realize that maybe his friend needed Yongguk just as much as Yongguk needed him.

Himchan kept reassuring him every night. It didn’t do much, Yongguk still worried as much as ever but still his best friend remained as positive as always, miles away from how he’d sounded during that first phone call. But the boy had long mastered the art of putting a confident front during difficult times. Yongguk knew he was affected by the whole situation – not just because of him, but because his parents were finally putting their words into actions and trying to sabotage his happiness for their own. And every time he thought about it, he felt anger rise like magma in his chest, a volcano ready to burst at any time. Nevertheless, he tried to put these thoughts away, for Himchan’s sake at least.

[Unknown number – 12:10 am]

yongguk!!

do you have any plans for nye

???

[byg – 12:12 am]

no

when have i ever planned anything for nye

when have i ever planned anything ever

[Unknown number – 12:13 am]

…

okay true

anyway you should stay home and rest

[byg – 12:14 am]

???

youre not gonna ask me to stop being a hermit and go out

…

did you fall on your head

[Unknown number – 12:16 am]

omg no

i just think its fine if you stay home you know!!

[byg – 12:17 am]

who is this

was kim himchan abducted by aliens

please give him back

[Unknown number – 12:19 am]

and you say im extra

i just

id be a little bit jealous if you went out while i stayed home with my grandma

:(

[byg – 12:20 am]

aw

[Unknown number – 12:21 am]

did i

just witness the rare event of bang yongguk awing

i feel blessed

omg

[byg – 12:22 am]

i take it back

how do you delete a message in this damn chat

[Unknown number – 12:23 am]

TOO LATE GRANDPA

I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYEBALLS

[byg – 12:24 am]

oh my god

[Unknown number – 12:24 am]

omg if it was on my phone i would have screenshot this asap

oh god

adorable

[byg – 12:25 am]

b y e

When New Year’s Eve finally came around, Yongguk still didn’t have any plans. He usually counted on his friends to invite him or at least plan something somewhere. Yet this time, everyone else was either away or busy. Youngjae and Daehyun had stayed at their grandparents’ since Christmas, Junhong was busy helping at his parents’ restaurant like every year, Ji Eun spent the night with her friends from university. His mother had invited him to come with her at one of her colleague’s party but he didn’t feel like spending the night with adults that would most certainly ask about school and girlfriends, two subjects he was very keen to avoid.

He didn’t feel too sad about missing the celebrations. For a lot of people, the new year came with new hopes and promises for the future; to him, it always came with more uncertainties. He found it hard to look back at his past year without a hint of regret and disappointment towards himself, feeling like he hadn’t changed much from the previous years. It was even harder looking towards the future, when his was still as blurry as ever. On the contrary, Himchan loved New Year’s Eve. He was the kind to make a million resolutions at the beginning of the night and break every single one of them before the clock struck twelve. They had spent the past two ends of the year together, and while it hadn’t been particularly wild, the festive spirit had been enough to put the boy in a bright mood, and frankly, it was contagious even to Yongguk.

But this year Himchan wasn’t there, so Yongguk just planned to stay at home and open up one of the three bottles of champagne his mother had forgotten in the fridge. Maybe he would watch whatever garbage was on TV, or spent the night composing, or both, until midnight came and then he’d went to bed like any other day. The boy was settling comfortably on the living room’s couch, a glass of champagne in one hand, when he heard a knock on the door. For a second, he thought he’d just imagined it. It was already past ten o’clock, most people in his neighborhood had started partying and there was no way his mother would have driven an hour back from her colleague’s house just to fetch the champagne bottles. However, after a minute, the knocking started again, a little louder but also more hesitant, as if the person was unsure someone was home.

Yongguk put his glass down on the coffee table and opened the door hesitantly.

“What the…”

“Surprise!” Himchan screamed, before embracing Yongguk.

The other boy barely had time to process the situation before he was pressed against Himchan into a tight hug, his heart doing somersaults in his chest. He forgot to hug back but his friend didn’t seem to mind, a huge smile plastered on his face when he let go of him a few seconds later. That was when Yongguk realized the other boy was dressed in a black suit which he recognized from their previous New Year’s Eve spent together. He felt a little insecure for a second in his comfortable sweater and his track pants until he remembered Himchan had seen him dressed this way a million times before.

“What the…” he started again. “What… Why…  Uh…”

Himchan laughed at his stuttering, and the sound was music to Yongguk’s ears.

 “I told you I’d escape, Bang,” Himchan replied, with a big smile and a mischievous twinkle in his eye. “Well, my sister helped me escape. She drove all the way to my grandma’s house and then back here in secret. A true hero. She says I owe her about a million favors.”

Yongguk had trouble understanding what was happening but Himchan was already pushing past him to get inside.

“Wait but…” he said, still standing by the door. “Is it going to be okay with your grandma?”

“Yeah”, Himchan said, already sitting on the couch. “For the moment, at least. I lied to her saying my parents sent her to get me.”

“But… what will happen when she finds out they didn’t, and your parents learn that you’re here?” Yongguk said, settling next to his friend.

“Bang, has anyone ever told you that you worry too much? We’ll see when that happens. Until then I don’t want to think about it.”

Himchan took the glass of champagne on the coffee table, ignoring Yongguk’s “it’s my glass”, and drank it in one shot. He took one of his friend’s hands in his, his thumb soothingly rubbing invisible circles on Yongguk’s palm.

“I drove three hours to see you, Bang.” He said again. “Let’s not think about negative things for now.”

“Is that why you asked me to stay home?” Yongguk asked.

“Yes, I’ve been planning this ever since they sent me away but I didn’t want to tell you in case it didn’t work out. I only got confirmation from my sister that she could come earlier today so… Here I am anyway.”

Yongguk couldn’t keep his eyes off Himchan, even though he knew it was rude to stare. He didn’t know if it was because it was unexpected or because they had once again been separated for a bit, but he had trouble processing that the situation was really happening. He was torn between staying on the couch enjoying the warmth of Himchan’s hand on his own or being a good host and fetching a second glass for his friend. Himchan didn’t seem to mind the staring nor the silence, as he looked at him back, a smile swimming in his wide dark eyes.

Eventually, Himchan got up first. Yongguk watched him walk to the kitchen and bring back his own glass, then pour one for Yongguk and one for himself.

“Let’s cheer,” he said, handing him the glass.

“To what?” Yongguk asked.

“To the year to come.”

“It’s not midnight yet,” Yongguk replied.

“To us then,” he said, winking at his friend before taking a sip.

Yongguk felt his cheeks get hot and looked away.

“You’re unbelievable,” he said.

The two boys ended up watching garbage television together, finishing the first bottle of champagne at the speed of lightning and immediately opening a second one. Yongguk briefly thought about what his mother would say once she came back to find all her bottles gone, but he quickly pushed the thought away. He was allowed to be happy, for one evening at least, he decided.

As they got further into the night, Yongguk started feeling the nice buzz of the alcohol and forgot his initial anxiety about Himchan’s parents. Himchan kept making funny comments about whatever reality show was airing on TV, and Yongguk let himself relax, laughing openly at each comment, enjoying the other boy’s company. At first, the two boys sat a good meter apart but as they got more comfortable, they naturally got closer. By the time midnight finally struck, Yongguk’s legs were lying over Himchan’s and Himchan’s hand was sitting cozily on Yongguk’s thigh. The boy hadn’t felt so comfortable in a long time, he realized. He’d tried to avoid his friend’s touch for a while, worried that it would have made it harder to get over his crush, or at least to handle it without Himchan noticing. But after being separated for a while, he realized he’d rather suffer than let go of this.

The two boys were about to cheer again for the new year when they realized they had already finished the second bottle. As soon as Himchan got up to fetch a third one – Yongguk was definitely going to be scolded by his mother when she found out -, he missed the boy’s warmth. He could still hear his friend laugh at one of his one jokes in the kitchen when he saw the other boy’s phone light up on the coffee table. He didn’t mean to look but his eyes accidentally found the sender’s name and, despite knowing that he shouldn’t, he took the phone.

[Yongsun – 0:08 am]

happy new year Channie!! ♥♥♥ let’s see each other soon ♥

Yongguk knew his jealousy was poisonous, not only for his own mental being but also for their friendship. Yet, he could feel it rising in his stomach and he immediately wanted to throw up. He knew he had no right to feel betrayed but his mind was already too clouded by the alcohol and the bitterness of that wake up call to have him think straight. Between the Halloween party, Himchan confessing his crush to Youngjae after tutoring and this text, it was getting harder to ignore the truth.

Yet, as heartbroken as he felt, when Himchan came back with another bottle, all he did was smile, take the glass his friend handed him and cheer with him, knocking back the drink in one shot. He might need a few more to hold on.

An hour later, the two boys were done with the third bottle. Yongguk was more than tipsy, Himchan had enthusiastically poured most of the remaining champagne to him, encouraged by the boy laughing every time he opened his mouth. Yongguk had hoped the drink would make him feel better, but once again, his bitterness kept growing as his mind became cloudier. He tried his best to not make Himchan notice, he didn’t want to ruin the night. After all, his best friend had indeed driven several hours just to see him. At least he still had that to comfort himself.

He was almost there. Almost about to just accept his fate and move on for the night, accept that they were just friends and it was fine, that he’d get over it eventually, when Himchan received another text. The other boy didn’t pick up his phone fast enough for him not to see Yongsun’s name pop up on the screen again. He tried to hold it in but his mouth ran faster than his brain and once it started blabbering nonsense, he found it hard to stop.

“That’s a funny coincidence.” He said, still giggling.

Himchan raised his head curiously, hallway through answering the text.

“What is?” the boy asked.

“The names. Even her name starts just like mine, how funny is that,” he laughed, and this time the bitterness found its way in his voice. “I mean… Yongsun… Yongguk…”

“Yongguk, what the hell are you talking about?”

“It’s just funny how life works. Like the girl who takes you away from me has a name that starts like mine.”

“Yongguk…”

“It’s fiiiiiiine,” he interrupted. “I just want you to be happy, even if it means I’m miserable. How pathetic is that? Nothing new, pathetic Yongguk being a burden to Himchan even down to his love life…”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Himchan said, sounding both concerned and annoyed. “Oh my god, Yongguk, we discussed this before already, you are not a burden to me in any way. And what love life? You drank too much. I shouldn’t have encouraged this.”

Himchan took the empty glasses in a haste, about to walk to the kitchen again, but Yongguk grabbed him by the wrist, stopping him just before he got away.

“I just don’t want to lose you,” he said and even in this drunken state he knew he sounded whiny.

“Why would you lose me? We’re friends. That’s not changing any time soon,” Himchan said very seriously, all signs of annoyance gone from his voice.

“That might be the problem,” Yongguk replied.

Himchan stared at him for a few seconds, confusion painted on his face. Then something visibly clicked in his head.

“Oh,” he simply said.

Yongguk looked down, letting the other boy’s wrist go. He’d finally gotten his answer, and while he’d expected it, the pill was still hard to swallow. He felt his eyes start to sting, and while Himchan was away cleaning the glasses and throwing away the bottles, he tried his hardest to keep the tears away. Maybe if he pretended he wasn’t too affected he could still save their friendship? He doubted it but he could only hope.

“Come on,” Himchan said a few minutes later, holding out his hand. “Let’s go to bed.”

Yongguk took his hand but didn’t dare look up. He didn’t feel like facing his friend after that. He knew the reason Himchan wanted to put an end to this night was because he was trying to save what was left of their friendship too, by putting what just happened on the account of Yongguk’s drunkenness when they both knew it wasn’t it.

Himchan led the boy into his bedroom. Once inside, he went through his closet without saying a word, his back turned to Yongguk.

“I’m borrowing some of your clothes, alright?” he said.

Yongguk didn’t reply.

“Wear this,” he said, turning around to put clean clothes in Yongguk’s hands. “And get some sleep.”

Yongguk expected his friend to leave immediately but Himchan stayed posted right in front of me, and eventually the two ended up staring at each other again. Himchan’s black suit made him look slightly older, his confidence showing both in the choice of clothing and his posture, but his traits were delicate as he looked at his friend with a mix of worry and fondness. Yongguk didn’t understand. He didn’t understand why Himchan was still there after what he said, what his words implied. Was he trying to torture him, or at the contrary to save the moment? More than heartbroken, Yongguk was confused and almost ashamed of messing everything up between them again. And to see his best friend trying, once again, to solve his own mess barely helped. After a few minutes of heavy silence, it was Himchan who spoke first.

“I care about you as much as you care about me, Yongguk,” he whispered.

The thin smile that bloomed on Himchan’s face at such a time took Yongguk by surprise.

“I doubt that,” he answered.

“I don’t, but that’s not the point,” Himchan continued. “The point is…”

Yongguk waited with impatience, his confusion growing each second.

“Ah… Nevermind.” Himchan said after a minute, sighing. “Just… don’t worry. Stop worrying. You worry all the time, and when you worry, I worry about you too.”

“I’m sorry.”

 “Don’t be sorry either,” Himchan continued. “There’s no reason to be. Everything is fine.”

“Is it?”

“It will be.”

Yongguk didn’t know what to add to that. He had no idea what Himchan was referring to, but while he was still heartbroken, he felt somewhat appeased by the fact that he hadn’t been rejected. Well, not completely at least.

They were still facing each other, silently standing in the middle of his messy bedroom. Yongguk could tell Himchan was hesitating about something, his eyes going over his friend’s face absentmindedly. A part of Yongguk’s mind just wanted him to break the silence to put an end to this long evening and give himself a break, but he was curious.

After what felt like an eternity, Himchan sighed, pouting his lips for a second before he took Yongguk’s face in his hands. Yongguk felt the warmth emanating from the other boy crash into his body like a tidal wave but instead of rejecting it, he let it take over him. It showed how desperate he was that the simplest touch, something he should have been used to by this point, could make him feel like this. Wanting more but settling for what he got.

Then unexpectedly, Himchan leaned towards him and kissed his forehead delicately, his lips only brushing over the other boy’s tan skin. Yongguk closed his eyes for a second. His heart was beating louder and faster than a fanfare drum roll, the surge of emotion that arose in him making it hard to breathe. When he opened his eyes after a few seconds, Himchan was looking at him again, a small smirk at the corner of his lips.

“Good night, Yongguk. Get some rest.”

Yet, despite what had just happened, Himchan chose to sleep on the couch instead of sharing the same bed for the first time in almost two and a half years.

Yongguk woke up feeling terrible. He’d barely had any sleep – it had been maybe six hours since he went to bed, and he woke up at least twice in that amount of time – and, unfortunately, his memories from the previous night were perfectly intact. And so would Himchan’s be, given he’d been a lot more sober than him.

For a while, he stayed in bed staring at the ceiling considering his options, or rather lack thereof. He considered lying to Himchan for a second, putting his little sketch entirely down to the alcohol but he knew it wouldn’t work. First, because Himchan had seen him much drunker than that, and second, because he truly was a terrible liar. He only had two other options: either he came clean and properly confessed, which he knew he didn’t have the guts to do and would permanently change, not to say damage, their friendship, or he tried to move on from the previous night and let it slide as nothing more than a bad memory between them. Choosing the latter wouldn’t be easy but it could work and, if he was honest with himself, it was his only real option.

As he mentally prepared himself to face his best friend again, his mind kept slipping back to the end of the night and that gentle kiss on his forehead. He knew the kiss in itself didn’t mean much, but in the light of Yongguk’s half confession not long before, it definitely fell outside of their usual dynamics. Still, the boy tried not to think much of it, choosing to protect himself from inevitable heartbreak if he got his hopes up.

When he found the strength to go downstairs, Himchan was lying on the couch, busy fiddling with his phone, a blanket thrown over his legs. He wasn’t surprised to see his friend awake – oversleeping wasn’t a habit of his, with his parents always on his back. He wasn’t surprised either to see him looking as tired as Yongguk felt.

Yongguk walked awkwardly towards the couch, dreading his friend’s first reaction.

“Hey,” Himchan said simply when he noticed him, putting his phone down on the coffee table. “Breakfast?”

They chatted away while eating, as they always did. Yongguk could still feel a slight awkwardness in the atmosphere but it was clear Himchan was doing his best to move on and pretend nothing had happened. Good cause that’s what I intend to do too, he thought. The other boy was making light conversation as always, telling him about his short stay as his grandmother’s and asking about Yongguk’s family. Slowly, they moved passed the uneasiness and soon their friendship felt just like before – easy, comfortable, natural.

But while Yongguk was busy doing the dishes after breakfast, he suddenly felt two arms sneak around him, holding him by the waist. Himchan pulled him into a tight hug, pressing his body against Yongguk’s back and delicately placing his head at the base of the boy’s neck. Yongguk instantly stopped moving, an unwashed plate still in one hand. He could feel the other boy breathing on his skin, each intake of air making, once again, his heart go wild in his ribcage. He also felt his anxiety awake in his belly, not sure whether he should rejoice from this or not. The hug felt good, too good to be true, but also desperate and Yongguk didn’t know how to interpret that. It was peaceful feeling his best friend’s breath on his skin. It also meant they were once again crossing the lines of what they had unconsciously established was acceptable in their friendship, and of what Yongguk felt comfortable with since he’d become aware of his own feelings. He didn’t move however, nor talk, because he too was desperate. Desperate for companionship, for love. He’d take it in whatever form it came in, friendship or something else, with only one condition: that it came from him.

“I missed you,” Himchan said after a minute, “so much.”

Chapter Text

School was only a day away from starting again when Yongguk heard of Himchan again. A few days earlier, Himchan had disappeared fairly rapidly after breakfast. He had thought it better to leave before Yongguk’s mother was back, and also believed that it was smarter to confront his parents before they learned that he’d fled his grandmother’s house against their will and the situation worsened. And as much as Yongguk hated the idea of Himchan facing his parents by himself, he had to admit that it was the best option his friend had. The only downside to that option was that he’d had no idea if he would even hear of the boy again before school started, or if Himchan would even make it out alive of that confrontation.

Fortunately, the other boy had texted him the very same day late in the evening. Yongguk had felt his entire body relax when he’d seen that first text, letting out a sigh he hadn’t realized he was holding.

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 11:41 pm]

im not dead!! and it went a lot better than expected tbh

Himchan had gone on to tell him how his parents were disappointed but, in a surprising turn of events, had told him they’d realized they’d gone a bit too far in his punishment and, while he was still grounded, they’d given him his phone back. Which was a start. The boy had to stay home for God only knew how long, but since school would start again a few days later, the two boys would see each other every day, even if it wasn’t ideal. During their entire conversation, Yongguk had listened patiently, trying to comfort Himchan when the boy had said he didn’t want to claim victory too soon and he was still walking on egg shells around his parents. However, deep down, Yongguk couldn’t help his mind go back to that first phone conversation they’d had during Himchan’s first night at his grandmother’s. In his rage, he’d confessed that he believed Himchan’s parents had sent him away to separate them on purpose and, in that moment, Himchan had agreed immediately. Yet, it seemed as if his friend was purposefully avoiding talking about the other boy’s role in all of this, either because his parents hadn’t mentioned him – which Yongguk found hard to believe – or because there was something Himchan didn’t want to talk about.

Something else that the two boys hadn’t talked about was how their friendship was obviously evolving into… something else. Something new entirely that clearly neither of them knew how to handle. They couldn’t pretend what had happened on New Year’s Eve was meaningless and Yongguk had realized that he was tired of pretending that things hadn’t changed between them in the last few months. But the boys never brought up the subject again, not that one time and neither during the few days that followed, and soon Yongguk had found himself wide awake the night before they’d go back to school, dreading the moment the two boys would face each other again.

Contrarily to his previous thought, Yongguk found it surprisingly easy to pretend nothing had happened once in front of his friend. Once past the slight uneasiness they felt while walking to school together, the two boys rapidly fell back into their usual comfortable friendship during the morning, chatting away in between classes as they’d always done. Yongguk didn’t know if it was because they were in public that he felt it was easier to avoid the topic or if being at school together was just too familiar and made every memory of their winter break feel like a dream – a good or a bad one, depending on the perspective.

At lunch the two friends sat down with the inseparable Daehyun and Youngjae. After the two very noisy friends loudly recounted their personal adventures during the break, they were already planning to go out all together the next weekend to make up for lost time, a plan Himchan obviously had to refuse. Yongguk stayed silent as Himchan explained everything that had happened during the break, noticing that the boy voluntarily skipped specific details of the events. Neither Youngjae nor Daehyun asked Yongguk if he was free after Himchan had refused. I guess he answered for the both of us, Yongguk thought.

It was only later in the afternoon that it really hit Yongguk that the reason no one ever invited him without Himchan – with the exception of Ji Eun, and sometimes Junhong – wasn’t because they liked Himchan better but because they thought of the two as a pair. If Himchan couldn’t go, then their friends just assumed Yongguk wouldn’t go either. He didn’t understand how it had taken so long for him to figure this out, and he wasn’t entirely sure how it made him feel. Sure, it wasn’t uncommon for people to see close friends as a pair and since the two boys often went everywhere together, it wasn’t a huge assumption. Yet, in the light of recent events, it made him feel a little uncomfortable to have a strange kind of intimacy placed upon them, as if Himchan belonged to Yongguk and Yongguk belonged to Himchan and it would be some sort of criminal offense to ask one and not the other.

He was trying to put the thought away, desperately searching for a comfortable position to sleep through his math class without offending the teacher, when he felt a piece of paper coming from his neighbor bounce on his arm. He lazily picked it up, turning to Himchan who was staring intently at the board, looking deeply concentrated on the teacher as if he had nothing to do with it.

No tutoring session this week, the paper said.

Okay, thought Yongguk, good. He stared at it for a good minute not knowing if he should respond. He eventually turned back to Himchan to find the boy now staring at him like he was an idiot. After thirty seconds of Himchan basically losing faith in Yongguk’s intellect, the boy sighed, took another piece of paper and waited for their teacher to turn her back to scribble something before sending it on his friend’s table again.

So my parents don’t know and expect me to go home later today.

Oh. Oh.

When it clicked, Yongguk just turned back to his friend and nodded quickly. Being alone with Himchan after school shouldn’t affect him so much, after all they did meet after school twice a week every since his friend started tutoring. Yet, the thought of having some sort of secret rendezvous with the other boy that only he knew about made his wild imagination go in all sorts of places. Soon he felt his heart rate go up and he found himself almost trying to focus on the math lesson for the first time in years to prevent his mind from overthinking. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Himchan throw him a strange look when he suddenly sat up to stare at the board but pretended not to catch it.

By the time their last class ended, Yongguk was truly nervous about meeting Himchan. He knew it was irrational but the whole thing felt odd to him. Himchan had clearly told him the day before that the situation between him and his parents was still tense, and yet here he was, planning things behind their backs again just to have Yongguk alone for an hour after they had already spent the entire day together. He felt tension grow in his stomach as they left the classroom and silently walked to the empty room where Himchan’s tutoring sessions were usually held. The boy took a key out of his pocket and unlocked the room, letting both of them in.

Yongguk went in first and sat on a table in the middle of the room, not knowing what else to do. Himchan followed but just stood right in front of him, barely a meter away from him. After a minute of silence and avoiding each other’s eyes, Himchan was the first to speak.

“It feels weird being back to school,” he said in a soft voice, looking at Yongguk for the first time since they’d left class. “It feels like it’s been months since we were here…”

Meaning: a lot has happened since the last time we were here, Yongguk understood. And he couldn’t disagree. For the both of them, things had changed massively in the past few weeks. They had simultaneously become closer but also much more aware of each other in such a small fragment of time compared to the length of their friendship. That added to the situation with Himchan’s parents, which still wasn’t fully resolved despite the fact that the boy seemed to be in a truce with them, had made them both apprehensive. Yongguk wondered for a brief second if it would ever be resolved, or if Himchan would just have to move out and become fully independent like his sister.

“I just…” Himchan started again. “I know I’m just dreaming here, and it’s probably unrealistic but…  wouldn’t it be great if we just moved in together when we go to university? Imagine that. I get to escape my parents for a bit and you get someone who reminds you to eat three meals a day. A perfect deal, right?”

“Why would that even happen?”

Himchan looked at him with wide eyes, evidently not expecting such an answer, before looking away.

“I mean… I just…” Himchan stuttered, visibly flustered. “I’m not saying that’s what you want… or that you have to, I know you’re close with your mother and you probably prefer living with her but I’m just saying… I don’t know…”

“No, I mean I’d love to live with you,” Yongguk said, enjoying not being the one stumbling over his words for once. “But… do you really think I’m gonna go to university?”

“Do you not want to?”

“I’ve never considered it. I didn’t think it would be a realistic option for me,” Yongguk said. “I still don’t, if I’m honest.”

Himchan pouted disapprovingly.

“Why not? You don’t need recommendation letters to apply, so it’s not like they’d know you didn’t do shit during high school. And your grades are more than decent.”

“Thanks to you.”

“Okay but they don’t know that. They don’t need to know that, and if you study something you’re interested in, it won’t matter what you did here. I’m not saying you should. I just think – no, I know because you do it all the time – that you’re underestimating yourself.”

Yongguk felt a wave of warmth rise in his stomach. It shouldn’t have surprised him by this point that his best friend had a heart of gold but the mere fact that someone other than his mother still believed in his abilities was something that always caught him off guard.

“What did I do to deserve an amazing best friend?” he said after a minute, not sure what else to reply.

“Yes, what did you do exactly to deserve me?” Himchan replied, a cocky smirk appearing on his lips.

“Maybe I saved a small country in another life or something,” Yongguk continued.

“A small country? More like several,” Himchan replied, slowly getting a little closer. “A whole empire.”

Yongguk snorted, very aware of Himchan’s sudden proximity. The boy could physically feel the atmosphere of the room silently switching. He didn’t know if it was Himchan’s previous comments that infused him with unexpected confidence, or if his own desire was taking over his brain, not leaving any space for his usual anxiety, but his eyes didn’t leave the other boy’s, not even when he felt Himchan’s hands snake towards his, locking their fingers together.

“Maybe an empire is a little too much…” he added, pretending he didn’t love that cocky, overconfident side of Himchan.

He knew it wasn’t entirely real, that the boy had just as much insecurities as he did but it felt good to see him boasting at least in the intimacy of their friendship. It probably wasn’t enough to make up for years of pressure and responsibility put on his back by his very own parents but it was a start. And also really hot, if Yongguk was honest with himself.

“Am I not worth an empire?” Himchan added, pouting and pretending to be offended.

Not leaving Yongguk’s gaze, the boy kept getting closer, creeping in between the boy’s legs. The two friends were close enough that it was difficult for Yongguk to look elsewhere. Not that he wanted to anyway. When he spoke again, he could tell Himchan could feel his warm breath on his skin.

“You’re worth several,” Yongguk said.

Himchan just nodded, suddenly uninterested in their strange conversation. Yongguk didn’t want to get ahead of himself but the other boy’s newly found interest in Yongguk’s lips gave him an idea about where this unexpected flirting – with his best friend of over two years, oh god – was going.

Was this really happening, he suddenly wondered, panic rising without warning in his stomach. All his anxieties came back all at once as he realized that there was a very real chance that Himchan was indeed just about to kiss him. And yet he still found the strength to hold on and not chicken away for once, giving himself a chance to experience something he’d wanted, needed, lusted over, craved with his entire being for even longer than he could remember.

And it would’ve undoubtedly come true if Himchan hadn’t suddenly jumped away from him, startled by the noise of the door opening behind him.

“Himchan, I know you said the session was cancelled but Daehyun said he didn’t see you and Yongguk leave earlier and you always pass by his classroom usually so it seemed odd so I wanted to check and…” Youngjae said without breathing, still standing by the door, before taking in what was happening in front of his eyes.

“Oh,” the younger boy simply said once he realized how close the two friends had been a minute before. “Well, I guess it is still cancelled. I’ll get home now, bye!”

He closed the door and disappeared as fast as he’d appeared. And yet, Youngjae’s quick escape wasn’t enough to save the now completely ruined atmosphere.

Tension had taken over the empty classroom, leaving Yongguk at a loss for words. Himchan remained turned towards the door, silent. It was obvious the little moment they’d just had was not coming back, the spontaneity of it crashing at the second that door had opened. The truth was that during Youngjae’s brief speech, Yongguk had seen Himchan turn redder than ever before, looking embarrassed, almost ashamed, of being caught. But Yongguk refused to feel embarrassed about his own feelings anymore, and more than anything he refused to let Himchan feel bad about his.

“Himchan,” he called out a few times softly, hoping they could at least talk it out this time rather than just let it go for the millionth time.

Himchan wouldn’t respond or turn to him, he just shook his head lightly, his back still turned to his friend. Eventually Yongguk got up from the table and walked towards him, the confidence from a few minutes before still running through his veins, making him feel bolder than he ever thought he could be.

“Himchan,” he called out once more before slowly snaking his arm around the boy’s waist, startling his friend into turning towards him.

They were looking into each other’s eyes again, Himchan’s wide and filled with uncertainty. Yongguk was desperately struggling to find the words to reassure his friend, not coming up with anything good enough but hoping he could pass on his own confidence to the other, when something suddenly seemed to click in Himchan’s gaze. Yongguk saw his doubt turn into determination in a matter of seconds, taking over the boy’s entire face.

“Himchan, I…”

But Himchan was quicker this time, and soon his lips reached Yongguk’s lips, lightly touching them in a very soft, chaste kiss that left Yongguk feeling a little dizzy. It was quick but enough to leave him wanting more, a lot more.

It was only later that night, while he was sat on his bed listening to music, that Yongguk realized that the more Himchan gave him, the more addicted he became. The two boys had escaped soon after the kiss, both finding excuses to go home separately, yet that Yongguk could still feel the light pressure of the other boy’s lips on his hours later. And despite the text that he’d received from his friend not long after he got home asking him to “just forget that”, he still felt hopeful.
Because it was now perfectly clear that Himchan had wanted this just as much as he did and that Yongguk simply couldn’t let go now. He still hadn’t answered the text, pondering whether he should ask why or if that would just put the other boy under pressure. He wanted to give Himchan time to process everything but until then taking their time hadn’t exactly worked out well for them. Yongguk knew he needed to take action this time before Himchan slipped through his fingers for good. And he was just about to go to bed when he finally settled on his reply.

[byg – 12:14 am]

i dont wanna forget that

It didn’t take long for him to hear his phone buzz against his bedtable.

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 12:16 am]

me neither

we definitely need to talk tho, like urgently

[byg – 12:17 am]

your next tutoring session is still cancelled right?

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 12:17 am]

yup, on thursday

until then not a word about what happened

were both guilty of letting things slide instead of talking them out but this time its important okay

i don’t wanna be discussing this quickly on our way to school or in between classes bc it has never done us good to make quick decisions on the spot

so not a word until thursday bang yongguk, okay?

[byg – 12:19 am]

Sure

Yongguk had trouble finding sleep with the knowledge that he’d have to wait for three days until they could finally talk it out. Three whole days of going to school together, sitting next to Himchan during class, at lunch, pretending nothing had happened. He already knew it would be pure torture but it was worth it, he told himself. It was worth it because Himchan had said he didn’t want to forget it either.

Chapter Text

Yongguk had never wanted to sleep through a class more than that Thursday afternoon and yet his math teacher seemed to have decided that on this specific day, almost five months after the schoolyear had started – five months during which he’d slept through approximately half of their math lessons and daydreamed during the other half – that it was time for him to pay attention in class. And she, of course, wouldn’t let him go during the whole lesson.

The past two days had already been long enough. It had felt awkward sitting next to Himchan, going home together while trying to ignore the huge elephant in the room but the other boy had said “not a word until Thursday” and they were both trying their hardest to respect that promise. Lunch breaks had to be the biggest ordeal. On the first two days, the boys had somehow managed to – unintentionally – escape Youngjae’s inquisitive eyes as their teachers had spent an extra fifteen minutes lecturing the class about their recent exams results both times. By the time they’d made their way into the cafeteria, Daehyun and Youngjae were already leaving. But then it had meant sitting alone together, with no one in between to break the awkwardness. On the second day, Jongup had passed by their table as they were halfway through finishing lunch and Himchan had almost kidnapped the poor boy, forcing him to sit down with them for the rest of their lunch break. Not the brightest idea, considering Jongup was about as clueless as Yongguk when it came to small talk, but it had been enough to fill up the heavy silence between them.

By the time Thursday came around, Yongguk’s thoughts were almost entirely focused on what was supposed to happen after school. Himchan had seemed more nervous than usual when the two boys had greeted each other early in the morning, and that was enough to awaken Yongguk’s anxiety. And, the cherry on top of an already complicated and messy situation, they hadn’t been able to escape spending their lunch break with Youngjae and Daehyun. It was obvious in Youngjae’s eyes that the younger boy had a million questions going through his head as soon as he’d laid his eyes on them. While Daehyun had spent the entire break laughing and talking as usual, completely oblivious to the strange atmosphere between the three boys, Youngjae had been unusually silent, only nodding here and there, his eyes barely leaving the two other boys sat in front of him. And while Yongguk had no doubt that the younger boy had no intention to snoop into their business or to reveal what he’d seen to anyone, he couldn’t help but feel scrutinize.

“Don’t worry”, Himchan had whispered to him after lunch, as they were making their way back into the classroom. “He’ll have forgotten all about it in a few days.”

Maybe Youngjae would indeed have moved on in a few days, but in the meantime, the younger boy’s looks filled with curiosity had made Yongguk come back to their next lesson feeling even tenser than before. And he’d been more than ready to embrace sleep, as he always did during math lessons, when the teacher had come straight towards his desk while other students were still settling back into the classroom.

“Yongguk,” she’d said with a kind smile. “I know math isn’t your thing but this lesson is quite difficult and I’d appreciate if you tried to pay attention this time.”

He’d just nodded, unsure of what else he could’ve said. He couldn’t exactly tell her Ma’am, it’s not that I don’t care about your class but I’m in love with my best friend, you know that one student who’s also top of the class and possibly of the entire school and who just happens to be sitting right next to me, and I found out a few days ago that there’s a strong chance he might love me back and I’m freaking out a little so he’d tried his hardest to stay concentrated during the whole hour. However, years of giving up on any academic activity had completely shattered his ability to focus on anything against his will, especially at a time when his mind was in complete turmoil, and keeping his full attention on the lesson for more than a few minutes required a great deal of effort for him.

Right next to him, Himchan was the complete opposite, the perfect picture of a model student. The boy was sitting straight, legs crossed, the expression on his face completely blank as he stared at the black board, not looking down even once as he took notes, his handwriting straight and meticulous. Yongguk was fairly certain Himchan already knew everything the teacher was saying and yet the boy’s concentration didn’t falter in the slightest, years of self-discipline making this second nature for the boy.

Yongguk thought his ordeal was over when the teacher announced they would spend the rest of the hour doing exercises. In-class exercises usually meant half of the class actually working, trying to get as much done to limit the amount of homework they would bring back home later, and the other half either pretending to work or just openly talking with their nearest classmate. This time however Yongguk didn’t have time to blink before the teacher was in front of him again, looking at him with the same kind smile as earlier.

“Yongguk, if you try to do a few of these it would help you a lot for the next exam,” she said. “You can team up with Himchan if you want to, you two work well together.”

 Great. Yongguk reluctantly turned towards Himchan, only to be faced with his best friend’s kind eyes looking right at him expectantly.

“Is there any part of this you didn’t understand?” Himchan said.

“All of it?” Yongguk answered hesitantly.

Himchan laughed, but it wasn’t malicious or judgmental. The two boys were used to working together, they’d done it a million times. Himchan not only was as skilled as most of their teachers when it came to explaining complex lessons that he’d learnt for the first time fifteen minutes ago, but he knew Yongguk well and had no trouble capturing the boy’s attention. It never failed to amaze Yongguk how everything became clearer with Himchan’s words, how good the other boy was at picking the right words and the right metaphors that turned an ocean of unrelated numbers and letters into still water.

“You look hot when you’re focused,” Yongguk heard himself say as the two boys were working on a particularly difficult exercise. The words had just slipped through his lips, the sight of his best friend frowning at the page in front of them, mumbling incoherent words as he tried to make sense of the problem they were trying to solve, making him feel a little warm.

Himchan raised his eyes from the page to look at Yongguk, visibly startled, before looking down again swiftly. Yongguk could tell his friend was flustered but he didn’t say anything, going back to working right away but clearly deconcentrated. And somehow the simple fact that Yongguk flirting with him could break Himchan’s indestructible focus gave the boy a little bit of confidence.

The rest of the afternoon went by relatively quickly. Yongguk did his best to try to follow the lesson – he might as well now – which visibly surprised his teachers, who then startled Yongguk with how positively they responded to their laziest student suddenly showing the slightest glimpse of attention during one of their lessons. His history teacher even sent him a “good job, Yongguk” right before leaving the class.

But then the school bell rang one more time and it was time for most of the students to leave, and despite the surprisingly pleasant afternoon he’d just had, Yongguk felt his anxiety coming back, slowly creeping its way from his stomach to his chest as he gathered all his stuff in his backpack. He made his way out of the classroom, heard Himchan say goodbye to their teacher and made his towards the tutoring room, feeling his best friend’s presence behind him like an itch despite the crowded corridor.

When they entered the room in silence, Himchan took out his key again, making sure to lock the door behind them this time. Yongguk put his backpack down and slowly looked up to his friend, not knowing what to say or where to start. He didn’t have to think very long because, barely a minute after they’d stepped into the room, he found himself pressed against the now closed door, his best friend’s body pushed onto his, one of Himchan’s hands at his waist and the other in his hair. Himchan’s lips crashed onto his almost violently – so much for being gentle, Channie – and took his breath away for a brief second. It took a little bit of time for Yongguk to accustom to the proximity, to the way Himchan’s lips moved against his, to reangle his smaller frame to fit with his friend’s fuller one. It didn’t help that the kiss was messy and desperate, and objectively probably couldn’t qualify as a good kiss, but Yongguk didn’t care because he too felt terribly desperate and it was Himchan kissing him and he’d waited too long for this and he wanted more, more, more.

Eventually Yongguk slowly placed his hands on both sides of Himchan’s jaw, his thin fingers curling on the nape of the boy’s neck, gently trying to slow down his friend in his outburst. For someone as gentle, caring and self-disciplined, Himchan sure was explosive. The boy was fire, and Yongguk wasn’t surprised to find out he kissed the same way he laughed – with no restraint, his loud voice bouncing on the walls, a familiar sound that made Yongguk feel warm. Himchan had learned from growing up in a strict environment to keep any negative emotion at bay – sorrow, pain, anger were all kept hidden and the boy would only let them show in moments of intimacy – but it seemed like this self-control didn’t apply to positive ones. Himchan always let his happiness explode, assailing whoever was the recipient of it, and his kiss felt like fireworks. It was grand, eruptive, uncontrollable, and maybe a bit chaotic, but it was also beautiful, intense and Yongguk was enchanted, finding it hard to let go of his friend’s lips.

Feeling Yongguk’s fingers on his skin did make Himchan slow down, letting the other boy take the lead this time. And then it was something else entirely, something slower, more controlled, with rhythm and measured. Something more like him. And eventually the two boys managed to reach a perfect balance between the two. A harmony between Himchan’s explosive instability and Yongguk’s gentle carefulness, and it felt like heaven.

The two boys finally separated when they heard sounds of laughter and footsteps growing nearer from the other side of the door, Yongguk slowly pushing Himchan towards the center of the room where the two boys had been sitting just a few days ago. They waited until the noise had disappeared, and silence took over the room again. It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable, but neither of them seemed to know where to start.

“For someone who said we needed to talk urgently…” Yongguk started.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Himchan said, a small smirk rising at the corner of his lips, not looking sorry in the slightest. “But I’ve waited too long for this.”

“How long?” Yongguk asked, curious.

“I figured it out a little over a year ago,” Himchan replied.

“You beat me then,” Yongguk said. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, you’re always ahead of me.”

“My own personal curse,” Himchan continued. “You’re smart, Yongguk, but god are you slow. You’re the slowest human being I’ve ever met, and you can thank all the gods for my patience because you really put me through some pain. Especially in the last few months. At some point, you changed around me all of a sudden and I thought ‘maybe we’re on the same page then. But every time you gave me any sign, you took it away almost immediately, closing off a little bit more every time. And I just didn’t know what to think at this point.”

Himchan sighed as if he was reliving all these moments of frustration.

“I...” Yongguk started again, trying to find the right words to explain himself but his thoughts were messy and confused. “I don’t know. I figured it out eventually but then there was the whole thing with this girl…”

“What girl?” Himchan interrupted.

“Yongsun? Daehyun’s classmate, I think?” Yongguk said. “At the Halloween party…”

Himchan sighed again – quite dramatically, Yongguk had to say – and sat down on a table.

“You’re incredible, do you know that?” he said. “Yongsun is one of the people I tutor. She comes to my Thursday sessions. She joined the group last September and I didn’t know her quite well but she’s a good student, she just struggles with math and physics and she wants to get into a good university so she came to my sessions every two weeks. So that’s how we first met. And about the Halloween party…”

Himchan trailed off, stopping for a bit to gather his thoughts.

“To be completely honest,” he continued. “at this point I was testing you. I started talking to someone you didn’t know because I wanted to see how you’d react and because… well, again, if I’m honest, I knew Yongsun had a small crush on me and I knew it would seem realistic enough. But I should have known nothing would happen cause it’s you, and you do love a bit of torture and masochism and of course you went and got shitfaced in the kitchen instead of doing anything. But Yongsun is a smart girl and she was interesting so we just kept talking and I forgot. I realized I’d made a mistake at the end of the night when you’d disappeared, and realized I’d really fucked up the next few days when it seemed I’d accidentally lead Yongsun to believe her crush was reciprocated. So, I apologized to her and kept my distance a bit, but she still comes to my sessions, you know? So, we stayed friendly and… that’s it. But I couldn’t tell you any of this because I couldn’t just say hey I accidentally flirted with someone trying to make you jealous but now we’re friends and everything is fine.”

Silence settled between them again as they were both thinking things through. It was a lot to take in for Yongguk but it wasn’t hard to believe the other boy. It wasn’t the first time one of Himchan’s pupils had had a crush on the boy, and it wasn’t the first time either he’d had to turn them down after realizing he’d accidentally lead them on by being a little too friendly.

“I know everything is blurry right now,” Himchan eventually continued. “And complicated. But I don’t think it matters, and I’m not asking for us to figure everything out immediately because we’re best friends and that means we’re crossing a line that neither of us thought we would ever cross in the beginning. I’m not asking for much…”

“What do you want?” Yongguk said, s

sensing his friend start to ramble out of nervousness.

He saw Himchan take a deep breath, as if he was trying to gather the energy to do some incommensurable effort.

“Be my boyfriend,” he said, a glimpse of worry tainting his hopeful eyes.

“Okay,” Yongguk answered simply, and he surprised himself by how easily it came out.

But as he released his next breath, he felt his chest slowly emptying, as if a huge weight he hadn’t realized was there was finally leaving him. Being with Himchan was easy; he was the one who’d made it complicated. It had always been easy being around each other. Himchan had to be one of the last people to enter his very small circle of close friends; and yet it had taken no time at all for the two to become best friends, despite the walls that Yongguk had built around himself over the years, despite the fact that he wasn’t one to easily share his thoughts out loud, despite the fact that he knew it took a tremendous amount of effort for anyone to get close to him because he wasn’t as outspoken and easy-going as the other kids. And so it didn’t come as a surprise to find out that, despite all the hurdles the two boys had accidentally put between each other over the last few months, getting back to Himchan was easy; and getting with him was even easier.

Himchan got off the table and leaned towards Yongguk to kiss him again, this time on the forehead like that fatefully tragic New Year’s Eve night where Yongguk had accidentally half-confessed to him. It was a nothing more than a quick peck but it made Himchan giggle like a kid, the small creases under his eyes that always appeared when he was smiling brightly coming out to Yongguk’s delight. The latter was thinking about how cute Himchan was when he was excited when he realized the reason for his friend’s excitement was becoming his boyfriend. He was wondering if it was possible for his chest to literally explode from all the warmth that suddenly gathered inside of it when Himchan’s phone rang, breaking the peaceful silence.

The boy became even paler than he already was when he read the caller’s name on the screen.

“My mom…” he said faintly before putting the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

Yongguk sat on one of the table, feeling a little tense. Surely, there was no way his parents knew where he was or what he was doing? Even if his mother had come home earlier than usual, it was Thursday. Himchan wasn’t supposed to be home just yet.

“Yes, I’m finishing my tutoring session in five minutes,” Himchan’s voice sounded perfectly calm, considering the expression on his face was one of sheer terror. “Okay… I’ll be there. Bye.”

The boy hung up, still looking wary.

“What did she say?” Yongguk asked.

“She said she’ll pick me up in front of the school in five minutes,” Himchan replied. “She left work a little early today. I’m going to go first, okay? And you’ll just wait until I’m gone to leave. I don’t want her to be suspicious about why you’re here when none of my students are.”

Yongguk nodded.

“And you’ll take care of this,” Himchan continued, putting the classroom key in Yongguk’s hand. “Don’t forget to lock the door. You’ll give it back to me tomorrow.”

Himchan went to fetch his backpack abandoned by the door during their make out session. He put it on his shoulder and went for the door but turned towards Yongguk one last time before leaving.

“Yongguk…” he started, clearly hesitant. “We don’t know when is the next time we’ll see each other like this for the moment. My tutoring sessions start again on Monday, and I’m still grounded. But it doesn’t change anything, not for me. I’ve waited long enough and I’m willing to wait a little longer.”

“So am I,” Yongguk said.

“Oh, and one last thing,” Himchan added. “Let’s keep this to ourselves for the moment. For obvious reasons.”

The boy sent him one last smile before waving and finally leaving the classroom.

Once alone, Yongguk sighed heavily, just starting to take in what had just happened. Himchan was his best friend, and they’d kissed for at least a good five minutes, and now he was his boyfriend and Yongguk had no idea what he was doing. He’d never dated anyone before and it should’ve felt scary and intimidating but it was Himchan. And there was hardly anyone he felt more comfortable with than Himchan.

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 11:17 pm]

heyyy cutie!!

cant wait to see you tomorrow

[byg – 11:18 pm]

just bc were together now it doesnt give you the right to be cheesy

but same

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 11:19 pm]

ive always been cheesy grandpa

youre just grumpy for no reason

[byg – 11:22 pm]

go to bed

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 11:25 pm]

i will soon

im just finishing homework

go to bed too, i know youre not doing homework

stop playing video games

[byg – 11:27 pm]

its early for me

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 11:28 pm]

:(

[byg – 11:28 pm]

okay okay fine ill shower and then go to bed

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 11:29 pm]

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

good night babyboy!!

And all it had taken was one unexpected pet name from Himchan for Yongguk to struggle to fall asleep that night. Needless to say that getting insomnia from too much happiness and excitement was entirely new to him.

Chapter Text

Yongguk had always considered himself as a relatively patient person. Although his anxiety often got the best of him, making him worry more than necessary when things weren’t solved immediately, he believed that, when clear-headed, his patience was commendable. He learned this time that it was as infrangible as he thought.  

After this rather unexpected Thursday afternoon, Yongguk found himself floating in a happy daze for a few days – but it was short-lived. The week that followed, Himchan’s tutoring sessions started again and the boys’ relationship – if he could even call it that – went back to the way it was before. They could only see each other at school, surrounded by hundreds of other students, and in that context, they were nothing but best friends. After another week of throwing them suspicious looks during lunch, Youngjae eventually gave up on trying to know what was going on between the pair. Yongguk would see Himchan at school every day, and the two boys would speak the way they always did in between classes, but that Thursday afternoon was still running through his mind almost every single day as he had to sit next Himchan during every single lesson.  

Yongguk soon felt his patience running thin. The issue was that, despite their meeting turning better than he could have ever expected, he could not stay clear-headed very long. Weeks passed, and it didn’t seem like Himchan’s parents would lift his punishment anytime soon. Once outside of school, Yongguk would spend most of his evenings texting Himchan, waiting patiently for the other boy to reply once he was done with his homework. It was when he was lying in bed, peacefully listening to music, and each new text from Himchan would make him blush and giggle like a schoolgirl from the most cliché manga he could possibly think of that he realized – retrospectively – that Himchan had somehow always flirted with him and he’d been so… oblivious. And while he enjoyed it all the more now that he was aware of it, it put him in a difficult position because he had no idea how to reciprocate.

The truth was that this sudden change in status made him equally as anxious as excited, and the imposed distance between the two boys certainly did not help. Yongguk was convinced that, had the boys started dating under different circumstances, ones where they could spend their weekends playing videogames together without no worries, things would have been a lot easier to process for him. He would have certainly freaked out just as much – mental breakdowns over subtle but meaningful life changes were his specialty – but at least he would not have freaked out alone.

It would be easier to not freak out over Himchan if Himchan had been here with him – physically here, not just through texts full of heart emojis. If there was anything he’d taken from that fateful Thursday afternoon, it was that he was capable of much more control over himself and his emotions at times where he had no other choice than to be live in the present. These moments left him no space and no time to overthink and it was easier to just be spontaneous – something he’d never thought he could be. But stuck behind a screen at home, and then forced to pretend his life hadn’t been turned upside down every time he stepped outside, his mind couldn’t help but dread what would happen once all the barriers in between him and Himchan would disappear. Every time he thought about his relationship with Himchan, he felt his insides twist out of guilt, the thought of being with the other boy alone making him more nervous than excited. Maybe he wasn’t as ready as he thought he’d be. But how was he supposed to know that beforehand? He’d never done this before.

In the weeks that followed that Thursday afternoon, Yongguk found refuge in his music. He’d left his notebook untouched for a while, nebulous pieces of lyrics left disconnected on the white pages. Getting back into was almost effortless, even if sometimes deciphering the illegible handwriting that resulted from late night writing from months ago proved to be harder than he’d thought. He spent most of his weekends working on new tracks, posting his instrumentals and perfecting his lyrics. The bigger his anxiety grew, the more productive he became, uploading more than he’d ever had before and it showed in the sudden increase in likes, views and comments he’d get on his social media. He felt comfortable sharing his art under a pseudonym, and the thought that hundreds of people he didn’t know had seen – and possibly enjoyed – his music while the people he was closest to barely knew it existed was wild, but oddly encouraging.

Once in a while, he’d entertain the possibility of sending the link to his social media to Himchan and letting his best friend – no, boyfriend – discover one of the most important parts of his life but he would always back down. It was still too early. He wasn’t sure if it would ever not be too early.

Weeks passed. Yongguk was spending yet another weekend at home, sat on his bed, lazily scrolling on his social media and looking at his favorite artists’ new posts when a new notification popped up.

 A private message? He rarely received these, since this account was entirely dedicated to his music and people didn’t shy away from publicly praising him. His curiosity was peeked, especially since he couldn’t recognize the username of the sender.

From slmusic:

hi

you probably get a lot of people telling you this but your music is dope! your instrumentals in particular caught my eye, i can guarantee a lot of people would pay to use these, most of them sound professionally made

i mean your bio says you’re 17 so i suppose youre still in school and not actually a professional. hope that doesn’t sound stalkerish cause that wasn’t the intent ugh!!

ever thought about going into music production tho? it’d be sad to see this talent go to waste

anyway keep up the good work, i’ll be following you closely from now on!!

damn that sounds stalkerish too ugh

bye

Yongguk stared at the screen, unsure what to reply. It wasn’t so much the compliments that had rendered him speechless – it always felt nice to get some but he’d received much more laudatory ones in the past. It was something else, a sudden realization that made feel both jittery and excited at the same time.

Whoever slmusic was, they’d just given him a clue that, if he trusted himself and his luck enough, could possibly solve one of his most constant worries. And as he felt the hideous claws of anxiety seize him by the stomach once again, as it always did when he dared to let his mind think about things he didn’t want to think about – namely, his future – he also felt an unprecedented warmth spread in his chest at the thought that maybe, maybe, he wasn’t as hopeless as he believed. 

Yongguk had never believed in fate, or signs, but he found it interesting that it happened to be Thursday again when he met Himchan again outside of school. It was a regular evening in mid-February. Yongguk had spent most of his evening sat on his bed listening to music and texting Himchan as he did almost every day, until the other boy would stop replying mid-conversation, which he would take as a clue that he’d gone to bed.

It was almost midnight when his screen lit up for the first time in an hour.

[(◕‿◕✿) Kim Himchan (◕‿◕✿) – 11:46 pm]

im sorry for this but

open your window

Yongguk stared at the screen blankly for a minute, before he slowly got up from his bed, not sure what he was expecting to find outside of the window this late at night. And sure enough, he opened it to see Himchan standing in front of his doorstep, wearing the same coat and backpack he’d see him with every single day at school.

“Himchan, what are you…” he whispered, remembering that his mother was asleep in the room next to his.

“Just open the goddamn door, I’m freezing,” Himchan replied, whispering too.

Yongguk hurried himself downstairs to get his friend out of the cold weather. As soon as he unlocked the door, the boy invited himself in without waiting for him to even open the door. Himchan didn’t even glance at him before he silently removed his coat and his backpack, then made his way onto the living room.

Yongguk just watched him, wordless and unable to grasp what was happening in front of him. He followed Himchan without question as if he wasn’t in his own house, only to find the other boy standing in the middle of the living room aimlessly, his eyes blankly staring at the air.

“You’re shaking,” Yongguk said, catching on the trembling pale fingers that peeked from under the sleeves of his hoodie.

“It’s cold outside,” Himchan replied, looking at his hands with astonishment, as if he hadn’t realized how shaky they were until the other mentioned it.

“Why didn’t you wear gloves then?” Yongguk asked. He knew it was a ridiculous question to ask given their current situation but he was still trying to make sense of it.

“I… had to rush, I guess,” Himchan replied again, still looking at his hands curiously. “I didn’t think about it.”

He still hadn’t met the other boy’s eyes since he’d walked in. What puzzled Yongguk the most was that Himchan looked just as clueless about the situation as he did. He kept looking around, oddly confused about his surroundings, as if he couldn’t entirely grasp why he was here either.

“Himchan, why are you here?” he asked again, afraid of the reply.

The other boy finally turned his eyes to him, but they still somehow looked unfocused. As if Yongguk wasn’t really there, right in front of him. He seemed almost startled by the question, which only made Yongguk’s worry grow further.

“I… don’t know,” he answered simply.

Yongguk slowly walked over to him. He was relieved to see his friend didn’t move away, neither did he stop looking at him, acknowledging his presence for the first time since he’d went in. He took Himchan’s hands in his, his cold fingers sending a chill through his body.

“Himchan, did someone hurt you?” Yongguk asked with apprehension.

He let out a sigh of relief when the other boy shook his head.

“Then why did you have to rush?” he continued. “Do your parents know you’re here?”

“They know I left,” Himchan replied. “They saw me leave.”

It seemed like saying it out loud helped the boy get out of his hazy state of shock. Yongguk watched the expression on his face change as he seemed to take in the situation he was in, and as he seemed to recall what lead him to be here, the uncertainty in his eyes was replaced with sadness.

“They watched me leave…” he spoke again, his voice sounding gradually more panicked, breaking a little more at each word. “We fought and… they just… Oh god, Yongguk… they didn’t…. they…”

“What is it?” Yongguk said, alarmed by the sudden change. “What did they do?”

“They asked me to leave,” Himchan whispered, his voice cracking at the end.

Yongguk swiftly pulled him into a hug just as he burst into tears, the weight of what had probably been a very long evening falling over him all at once. Yongguk did his best to hold the both of them straight as Himchan gripped onto his shoulders as if he didn’t have the strength to stand up by himself anymore. It was a heartbreaking sight, to see the one he loved fall apart and know that there wasn’t much he could do at the very moment but hold him tight and murmur sweet words in his ear that would provide nothing but hollow comfort.

“What if… I’m kicked out… For good?” Himchan managed to say in between heavy sobs.

“Let’s not jump to conclusions,” Yongguk said, trying to sound reassuring despite how worried he felt. “This all happened in the spur of the moment, we should wait until tomorrow to see how things are.”

“I’m not sure I can sleep now,” Himchan said, his voice a bit more still, as he released his grip on Yongguk’s shoulders.

He seemed to have regained his composure, although the expression on his face betrayed his inner turmoil. Yongguk could already bet he wouldn’t get much sleep either but they at least had to try.

After he asked Himchan if he wanted to talk some more and the boy declined, he took him by the hand again and gently lead him to his bedroom. He quickly went through his closet to find a spare pair of pajamas his friend could use for the night, handed them to him and slid back into bed while Himchan changed.

As a habit, Yongguk closed his eyes as he faced the wall, leaving enough space for the other boy behind him. But barely a few seconds after he heard Himchan slid under the covers, he felt two arms slide around his waist and cross over his stomach, his back suddenly pressed over the other’s chest. Before he could react, Himchan kissed the back of his neck, so softly he barely felt it.

Oh. With all the agitation, he’d almost forgotten their change in status. Yongguk turned around to face him, their faces only a few centimeters away from each other. It broke his heart a second time to witness the gloominess in the boy’s eyes again but he tried his hardest not to let it show.

“Try to sleep,” he whispered instead. “You look tired.”

“I know I look like shit,” Himchan replied, closing his tired eyes, and despite his evident sadness, there was a hint of humor in his voice. “Thank you for reminding me.”

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Yongguk whispered back.

He kissed Himchan’s nose, replicating the same tenderness, his lips barely touching the boy’s skin. Himchan opened his eyes wide in surprise.

“I know I’m not as spontaneous as you,” Yongguk said, a small laugh escaping his lips. “But at least try not to act like you’ve seen a ghost every time I kiss you.”

Himchan closed his eyes back.

“I’m allowed to be surprised,” he whispered back. “I waited a whole year for this.”

And even in the obscurity of his room, Yongguk saw the faint smile that briefly appeared on his boyfriend’s lips and it warmed his heart, just a little bit.

The two boys didn’t get much sleep. They both kept moving around restlessly, trying their best not to bother each other but still somehow keeping each other awake. Eventually Yongguk fell asleep around three am. Despite not having a very peaceful night, he still woke up at seven before his alarm clock even had time to go off. Next to him, Himchan was fast asleep, his black hair messily falling over his pale forehead. Yongguk climbed over him, hoping he wouldn’t accidentally wake him up. He thought it would be easier for Himchan if he explained the situation beforehand to his mother, so that the boy didn’t have to relive his awful evening as soon as he woke up.

When Himchan came down to get breakfast fifteen minutes later, he was immediately greeted by a warm hug from Yongguk’s mother, who didn’t ask him any question.

“You can stay however long you need, sweetie,” she said in calming voice once they were all sat down. “But if I were you, I wouldn’t let too much time pass by. If you left angry, that’s the last image your parents have of you. Don’t let things get worse.”

Himchan simply nodded, and mumbled a thank you in return.

As they walked to school together for the first time in what felt like forever, Himchan recounted how his last evening had quickly degraded from ordinary to possibly the most violent argument he’d ever had with his parents.

“We started arguing and it just got louder and louder, and no one was listening to what the others were saying,” he said softly. “It just escalated. You know how it is.”

Yongguk didn’t know how it was. He rarely ever fought with his mother – she was usually right anyway – and the few times he had, it was usually solved under an hour. Neither of them knew how to stay mad at each other. It hurt too much to be resentful to someone he loved so much.

“And I… I just threatened to leave, but I don’t think I really meant but in the moment it just came out,” Himchan continued, his voice emotionless. “But then they said that it was for the best and… I don’t know, out of pride I suppose, I felt like I couldn’t back down. I wanted them to feel bad, I guess. But I don’t think they did, I think they were glad to see me go.”

He sighed heavily.

“Honestly, I don’t think I’m kicked out,” he continued. “My parents care too much about their reputation, they would live it down if they had to say to everyone they kicked out their model son just a few months before he left for university. But… I don’t know how things are going to be when I go back. If I go back.”

Yongguk briefly took Himchan’s hand and squeezed it, trying to send as much warmth to the other boy as he could, before remembering they were in public and releasing it.

“You don’t have to go back immediately,” Yongguk said. “I don’t understand why your parents still find things to fight with you about. You were already grounded, your grades are still as high as they’ve ever been and it’s not like you tried to sneak out this time. You pretty much live by their rules, but it’s like they invent new rules as they go along just to find something else to be mad about.”

Himchan wasn’t looking at him, his eyes fixed straight towards him as he kept walking. Yongguk didn’t know how, but he sensed an uncomfortableness rising in between them, only growing bigger at each step his boyfriend was taking.

“Himchan, what did you fight about?” he asked, wondering if it was simply the topic of his parents that made the boy uneasy or if there was something about Yongguk’s words that had sparked the sudden change of atmosphere.

Himchan turned to him briefly, a hint of worry in his eyes. Yongguk could tell the boy was debating internally whether he should respond or not.

“We didn’t fight about grades or school this time,” he simply said, turning his eyes back to the road in front of him.

But Yongguk couldn’t just let it go. He had a bad feeling about this. Himchan was always fairly open about his arguments with his parents, and they’d almost always been about the same thing: school. Grades. Himchan’s future. University. Almost always, except for a few times he could recall.

A bitter apprehension spread in his stomach as his instinct warned him not to press more but he needed to know.

“Himchan,” Yongguk repeated, afraid he already knew the answer. “What was it? What did you fight about this time?”

Himchan stopped dead in his tracks. The two boys could see the school from a distance, loud students greeting each other and gathering in small groups on the nearest sidewalk. He turned to Yongguk and sighed once more.

“You. It was about you,” he said, guilt and worry evident as he spoke. “They don’t want me to be with you.”

Chapter Text

Despite their apparent obliviousness, Yongguk had to admit they were more receptive to the change in atmosphere as he would have previously thought. And he was very thankful.

After Himchan’s confession earlier in the morning, Yongguk had found it difficult to keep the subject off his mind for the rest of the day. Sitting next to him during every single class, Himchan looked more down than Yongguk had ever seen him in public, which their teachers seemed to pick up on, for once not relying on the boy to answer every single question. Yongguk still felt tense during lunch. He hadn’t missed the pointed look Youngjae had thrown Daehyun as they sat down at their usual table, the two younger boys immediately picking up on the uneasiness between them. Yongguk was grateful when the pair took over the conversation, trying to make it as light as they could be, not questioning Himchan’s unusual lack of response.

It seemed the two boys had something else on their minds, Yongguk realized later. As they were walking down the corridors after finishing lunch, slowly heading back to their respective classrooms, Daehyun seemed to monopolize Himchan’s attention, boring the older boy with conversation he most likely wasn’t listening to. Youngjae seized the moment to take Yongguk apart, an unusual thoughtfulness painting his features.

 “Yongguk…” he said, half whispering as he kept glancing over to Daehyun and Himchan, the pair walking a few meters ahead of them. “I know it’s none of my business but… did something happen between you and Himchan?”

Yongguk had expected the question as soon as he’d seen the younger boy attempt to keep his distance with their two other friends, yet he was still at a loss for words. He was unsure of how much he could say about their current situation, of how much Himchan would be comfortable with him sharing.

“Well…” he started, his voice uncertain. He felt as if he owed at least a little part of the truth to his friend, who’d surely already figured at least part of puzzle out by then. “Himchan and I are dating. Sort of.”

“Sort of?” Youngjae said, although he sounded completely unsurprised at the spluttered confession.

“I mean, we are.” Yongguk continued. “We are dating, but you know… With his parents…”

“Ah,” Youngjae answered, processing the information. “But shouldn’t that be a good thing?”

“It…is. But that’s not it, really. And the rest of the story… Well it’s not really mine to tell,” he replied, nodding towards Himchan as they reached their classroom.

Youngjae stopped walking for a second, thinking it through.

“I’m not going to pretend I’m surprised,” he said after a moment, smiling. “Or that I don’t remember walking in on you two back in January. Sorry about that by the way. And I’m happy for you, Yongguk, I really am.”

“Keep it to yourself for the moment,” Yongguk said, vaguely remembering Himchan telling him about keeping it a secret for now.

“Of course,” Youngjae continued. “My point is… If you ever need anything, even if it’s just to vent, you can always come to me. Or Daehyun. I know he looks oblivious most of the time and he talks too much but he’s actually not a bad listener when he sets his mind to it. You and Himchan, you’ve always kept so many things just between the two of you, and of course that’s well within your rights, but there’s only so much two people can solve. You two are almost… too close. You’re always together somehow, even when you’re not, and your personal issues end up being intertwined with the others’ and… I don’t know. I just think it’s important to let other people help you too. You and Himchan rely on each other too much, I think. I mean, I could be wrong!”

Yongguk muttered a quick thank you, touched by his friend’s kind words but unable to formulate any coherent answer. He was about to join Himchan inside the classroom when Youngjae spoke again.

“Besides,” the boy started, a mischievous smile slowly creeping on his lips. “I’ve spent a lot of time listening to Himchan whine about how oblivious you were until you finally got your shit together. I feel almost too involved now.”

“Wait, you knew all along?” Yongguk almost shouted in disbelief.

“Well, duh,” Youngjae laughed. “Some are more oblivious than others. I’m not one of them.”

Yongguk wasn’t sure if he’d imagined the fond look Youngjae had thrown towards his own best friend, who’d been waiting patiently on the side ever since Himchan had left him to go back to his assigned seat, but before he had time to question it, Youngjae was already waving at him and, in barely a few seconds, the inseparable pair was gone.

The two boys reached home in silence, Yongguk unsure about how to express his worry about the other boy, or even if it was right for him to do so. The other boy rushed upstairs as soon as Yongguk unlocked the door, as comfortable as if it was his own house. Yongguk followed him, finding his boyfriend already sat on his bed.

“I told Youngjae,” Yongguk said after a minute of silence, still standing by the doorframe. “I knew we said we’d keep it in between us for the moment but he…”

“It’s fine,” Himchan interrupted him, speaking for the first time since they’d left school. “He already kind of knew anyway. He won’t tell anyone.”

Yongguk sat down next to him, still unsure what to do. He truly wished he was the kind of people who always knew what to do to comfort others, unfortunately this was not a skill he had. As pained as he was to see his boyfriend so miserable, he was too worried about accidentally overstepping Himchan’s boundaries and his actions having the opposite effect intended. The silence in between them wasn’t heavy or uncomfortable but it was painfully charged with a sadness that wasn’t his, and he could feel it in his bones, sharing just a little sample of the pain that his boyfriend and best friend was going through.

“My mom texted me earlier,” Himchan said after a while. “I haven’t replied yet.”

“What did she say?” Yongguk asked.

“She said… She said she doesn’t agree with my dad about certain things and she thinks the situation got out of hand the other day and we should talk it out. Just me and her.”

Yongguk had to admit he’d never expected something like this from Himchan’s parents. It was probably the closest thing to an apology the boy would ever hear from the ones who raised him.

“That’s… not bad,” he said.

“I know,” Himchan sighed. “But… Maybe I’m twisted and paranoid, but I can’t help but think it’s a trap somehow. Like she’s saying that now just so I come home but if I do, things won’t change in the slightest.”

“I don’t think that’s twisted,” Yongguk replied, trying to sound reassuring. “It wouldn’t be the first time your parents lied to you to get you to do something. But you could just reply to her and see? You have to contact them at some point anyway.”

“Yes,” Himchan said pensively. “I think I’ll call her instead. She must be out of work by now.”

“I’ll leave you to it,” Yongguk said as he walked out of the room.

[mom – 6:32 pm]

I’ll be home late tonight!

I need to finish a few things at work and then pass by a friend afterwards

Don’t wait for me to have dinner!

Yongguk sighed as he glanced as his laptop again, the light of the screen illuminating his face and hurting his eyes in the now dark living room. He stood up to turn the lights on.

It had been almost an hour since Himchan was on the phone with his mother – or so he thought, he couldn’t hear anyone talking from the living room. He was trying to stay out of it and not let himself worry too much about what the length of their conversation could mean. It was odd for him too, being in this situation where he’d lost all trust and sympathy towards Himchan’s parents when he’d spent so much time at their house in the last few years, sleeping over and eating at their dinner table almost as if he was one of their own. He’d always felt their judgement from the beginning, through the way they looked at him slightly condescendingly – but for the most part it had never seemed malicious. This was just how they were, people who had very precise ideas of how the world should be – or how they wanted it to be – but, until recently, they’d accepted him just fine. If anything, Yongguk had always felt they pitied him rather than judged him. He was never quite the perfect kid in their eyes. He wasn’t from a very conventional family, his mother had never remarried, he would have failed most of his classes if it wasn’t for Himchan. They looked at him like a lost cause, but he hadn’t cared, because he didn’t have anything to prove to them. They weren’t his parents.

Except now, everything was different. They’d turned him into some sort of devil, a childish distraction for his then best friend and now lover that they had to get rid of otherwise their child would be corrupted forever. He wasn’t used to being on the receiving end of such contempt, but he could have gotten used to it. If only they hadn’t dragged their own child into it too, trying to diabolize him as well as if he hadn’t played by their rules his entire life. His parents had always been strict and manipulative, but until then they’d never been hateful, not outwardly at least. The fact that such people could have raised such a kind, selfless, hard-working son was already mind-boggling, that they still managed to find fault with him was simply outrageous.

It was almost seven when Himchan came down. Yongguk pretended not to hear him walk down the stairs until the boy sat right next to him on the sofa.

“I’m sorry it took this long,” Himchan said softly. “I needed some time to think after the call.”

“It’s fine,” Yongguk replied. “I’ve been keeping myself busy.”

Himchan still looked tired, he noticed, but neither sad or angry. If anything, the boy almost looked relieved, as if at least part of the weight on his shoulders had been lifted off. He looked much better now than he’d had all day. He didn’t seem in a hurry to retell what his mother had told him, absent-mindedly looking at ceiling, and Yongguk didn’t want to pry so he just waited.

After a few minutes, he felt his boyfriend poking him playfully in the shoulder.

“Yongguk,” Himchan said in a tone that was deliberately childish, but there was more to it, a hint of curiosity hidden underneath that lightheartedness.

He turned around to see his boyfriend looking at him intently, his wide eyes flicking between him and the laptop that had been left open.

“Are you looking at university applications?” Himchan continued, a small smile at the corner of his lips.

Yongguk turned back to the laptop he’d almost forgotten was there.

“I… guess I am,” he said softly, a bit uneasy at being caught on the spot.

It wasn’t something he’d shared with anyone just yet, not even his mother. He’d never considered continuing his education after high school before – he hadn’t even believed he’d make it this far without dropping out, if he was honest – and, while he trusted his loved ones not to make fun of him for this change of mind, he still felt somehow ashamed to even be trying. He knew deep down it was fruitless. He wasn’t someone like Himchan, who had the ambition and the discipline to work endlessly for what he wanted, paired with an astonishing ability to charm his way through pretty much anything. He’d lived in his own bubble for the last few years, trying not to let the outside world get to him too much, and thus he didn’t expect to get much from it back. His plan of action had been to keep it to himself and thus not get anyone’s hopes up, including his own.

But Himchan, as always, ruined all his plans magnificently.

“That’s amazing!” the boy said, excitedly seizing Yongguk’s hands inside his. “I didn’t even know you wanted to go to university.”

“I didn’t either,” Yongguk snorted in reply. “I’m still not sure I want to. Honestly, it probably won’t go anywhere.”

Himchan sighed, his hands still holding Yongguk’s firmly.

“It doesn’t hurt to try. And it’s not like someone will force you to go if you change your mind in a few months.”

“That’s not what I meant but…” Yongguk started to say, only to be interrupted immediately.

“I know,” Himchan said in a sarcastically monotonous tone, as if he’d heard it all before. “You meant to say that you’d never get in anyway because of various incredibly degrading flaws you seemed to be convinced you have but I’ve chosen to ignore that because it’s stupid. But you, are not. You’re not stupid.”

Yongguk stared at him for a few seconds with amazement.

“I know you,” Himchan continued, leaning in to steal a quick kiss out of his boyfriend’s lips. “I know how things get twisted in that mind of yours. It pains me that I can’t do much to help you build your confidence up, but the least I can do is support you in every choice you make.”

It was Yongguk who leaned in this time, uncharacteristically spontaneous in the way he closed the gap in between them, but once again this was all Himchan’s doing. Yongguk hated taking risks. Above everything else, he could not stand to lose control, to see things slip through his fingers, unable to keep his grip on whatever situation he was in. It was isolating, but it had been the only way he’d found to protect himself not only from outside threats but from the tumultuous, never-ending noise in his mind that constantly tried to set him up for failure. Yet, Himchan would never cease to reach into the bubble-wrapped cocoon he’d made for himself, making Yongguk lose his means in the safest way.

It was still odd, and would probably never stopped being odd, to being kissing in the middle of the same living room where they’d spent so much time as friends. It was almost like two worlds clashing, something he’d never planned would ever happen, not in between these walls he’d grown up in – and yet it made perfect sense. Despite the newness of their relationship, it felt infinitely more familiar than he could have imagined. At the end of the day, Himchan had been the same from the beginning until now. Whether he was the classmate that helped him through his exams, the best friend he’d play video games after school or the supportive boyfriend, Himchan was the anchor Yongguk never asked for; he hadn’t needed to. Himchan’s love was selfless, boundless and undemanding, and Yongguk knew that it would have still been the same, unchanged, even if they hadn’t shared the same feelings.  

“Let’s make dinner,” Yongguk said once they separated to catch their breath. “My mom will be starving when she gets home.”

Even after seventeen years of being an only child with a single mother, something that had frequently led to lonely dinners all through his childhood where he’d had to fend for himself, Himchan was still a better cook than Yongguk. Mainly because Himchan didn’t just stop at feeding himself and making something edible – the boy went through the trouble of making something that would most likely end up being the best thing Yongguk had ever eaten on a lazy Friday night. And so Yongguk found himself reduced to a mere assistant in his own kitchen, doing whatever he was told to do while the chef went through the cupboards to find what he needed, as comfortable as if he was home.

Once Himchan had ran out of orders to throw at him, Yongguk just sat at the counter looking at him as he finished what he called “just something quick and easy to make” – although in Yongguk’s book, nothing that took more than thirty minutes to make could be qualified as quick or easy – amazed by all the little things that the other boy could do so effortlessly.

“About that call with my mother,” Himchan said at some point, keeping a close look at the stove, as their previous conversation was dying. “It went better than I expected, although I’m still not entirely convinced of her intentions.”

“What did she say?” Yongguk asked, using the same casual tone his boyfriend had chosen to bring back the topic.

“Well…” the boy started, visibly conflicted. “She said she doesn’t agree with everything my dad says.”

Himchan paused for a few seconds, making sure the pots weren’t overflowing.

“She said,” he continued. “She said she doesn’t agree with some of the things he said the other day, when I was… kicked out. She thinks he went too far about certain things… well, one thing.”

Himchan turned off the stove after tasting his own cooking, seemingly satisfied with the result.

“I suppose that “thing” is the same you told me about already, right?” Yongguk said, trying to keep all signs of irritation off his voice but he was struggling. “Me.”

Yongguk got up to help Himchan set the table.

“Well, it’s not you exactly,” the boy replied. “It’s you and I. My parents don’t exactly know we’re together but they… well, they know how close we are, and I suppose they were afraid it would come true. And I guess in the midst of all the anger and the shouting, I may have indirectly come out to them. And then my dad said… hurtful things. Words I couldn’t pretend I hadn’t heard like the ones they usually throw at me.”

Yongguk hastily put down the plate in his hands, reaching for his boyfriend as he saw the pearly tears gathering in his eyes right before he closed them. He pulled Himchan into what he hoped was a reassuring hug, holding him tightly by the waist before letting go. When he opened his eyes again, the tears were gone.

“He said things about me, but also about you and I don’t know which ones hurt me the most. Anyway, I ended up walking away, because I never thought before we could get to a point where they truly hated me. I know my parents are strict, that they have always had a certain vision of the future planned out for me, but until then what they did was always in my interest. It wasn’t always right, but it was always thinking of me. That night… clearly, it wasn’t about me, it was their feelings only.”

He stopped to take a deep breath before continuing.

“Anyway. So that happened,” he said, his voice almost unnaturally even. “What my mom wanted to say is that she doesn’t agree with all the homophobic things my dad said. She said he went too far. I mean, I still think she’s not… thrilled about the possibility of us being together but… I don’t know. She told me she wanted to meet me in person to discuss and I agreed. We talked a lot already, but I feel like some things can’t be dealt with over the phone. So, I’m meeting with her tomorrow morning.”

“Do you want me to go with you?” Yongguk offered, although he already knew the answer.

“No, I think it’s better if I go on my own,” Himchan replied, seizing the plates and starting to fill them up. “I asked her that we don’t meet at home. She said my father will be out all day but I’d rather not take a chance, so I said we could meet at Ji Eun’s café.”

Yongguk nodded, mentally noting to not forget to send a text to Ji Eun the next day to make sure she kept an eye on Himchan.

“It’s not much,” Himchan spoke again as he placed both of the plates in front of them, “but it’s a start.”

They’d finished eating and done the dishes when they heard Yongguk’s mother parking in the driveway. After dinner, they’d spent an hour or so sitting lazily in the couch watching some TV show Himchan seemed very keen on – Yongguk had not seen one episode before, but the other boy made sure to fill him in along the way. His mother wasn’t surprised to find them cuddled together, sharing the same blanket as they’d both been too lazy to go upstairs to find another one. Later, Yongguk did notice however from the corner of his eye his mother catching them as Himchan risked stealing a quick kiss as she silently came out of the kitchen.

She didn’t say a word, staying silent as Himchan walked out of the living room, loudly claiming his right over the bathroom first over Yongguk, unaware that he’d been caught just a few seconds before. Once he was gone, she smiled brightly, knowingly, at her child as he looked down, feeling himself blushing.

Later in the night, Yongguk tried not to get too excited when Himchan’s body was hovering over his, Yongguk’s back firmly pushed into the mattress, one of his boyfriend’s arms holding his waist while his other hand was somewhere on his thigh. In the tiny little corner of his mind that wasn’t filled with Himchan’s scent, he remembered his mother only a few rooms away and that the other boy had to wake up earlier than him the next day and tried not to let his boyfriend’s hungry kisses get to his crotch. He tried to gently push him away, reminding them both of where they were, but it sounded unconvincing even to his own ears.

Himchan eventually did let him go a few minutes later, whining about having to sleep too early for a Friday night, and left Yongguk the only one awake in the room. It was usually very daunting, being the last one to find sleep, as his insomnias were filled with anxiety, torturous thoughts finding their way out of his brain and paralyzing the rest of his body into wide-awakeness. This time however, he turned to the boy next to him when midnight passed, watching over the way his chest moved peacefully with each intake of air, and he breathed more deeply than he’d had in a long time. Nothing was solved just yet, but for once, things seemed a little brighter, for the two of them, but most importantly for them together. He looked at Himchan one last time before closing his eyes and calling it a night, and even in this one corner of his mind that wasn’t filled with Himchan, he truly believed they would be okay.