Chapter Text
“So you are saying you have never had sex?” Davesprite asked, his eyebrows about ready to fly off his face he was so surprised.
“Honestly, I gave you the go ahead to ask me literally anything and you ask about sex? What are you, thirteen?” Hal rolled his eyes and crossed his arms defensively.
“My dude, my guy, I get it; you were connected to the internet every second of your life for like 5 years. But you’re forgetting that I, too, have had internet access. It’s okay. I went to Deviantart. I scrolled through Tumblr. I took sicknasty selfies with Starbucks and posted them on Instagram. I avoided 4chan like the fucking plague. What I couldn’t do is get some salacious deets from my robro on where his wiener has been,” Davesprite explained.
“I’m not even a robot anymore,” Hal huffed.
“Yeah, and we aren’t sprites anymore either. But The Game didn’t get the memo when they were handing out the “congrats you didn’t kill yourself or get murdered” perks that I was not always a bird-human hybrid, because they forgot to take the birdy parts with the spritey parts,” Davesprite explained, the feathers on his wings puffing up in his irritation. “At least you got separated from Equius…” he added with a hint of jealousy.
“It was probably due to you being from the beta session and me originating from the alpha session. It’s like The Game only recovered a partial of your save data. Or something,” Hal guessed.
“Or something,” Davesprite parroted back. “Anyways, I saw that subject change, you asswipe. You’re telling me you never did the do with anyone? Even when you were still Dirk?” Davesprite inquired.
“No! God, we were thirteen when I was splintered; that’s way too young to have sex!” Hal cried, recoiling. Davesprite shrugged. “Why is it so surprising that I have not lost my virginity, Davesprite? Sex is not everything, dude, seriously,” He added with a twinge of irritation in his voice.
“I’m not saying it is! What I am saying is that Dirk seems to be borderline hypersexual?? He really likes sex. And at least at one time, you were him. So unless being a robot or being a sprite or being with Equius made you asexual…?” Davesprite trailed off.
Hal felt his cheeks flush. Damn it, he hated his human body’s dumb involuntary reactions that he couldn’t control. “We aren’t hypersexual, jesus fuck. Sex is just a good stress reliever, and we happen to be stressed all the fucking time…” he trailed off.
“So you do have sexual desire, at least,” Davesprite clarified. Hal nodded, too embarrassed to say anything. “So why haven’t you sought it out? Even just as like a one time thing with someone?” Davesprite pressed.
“I don’t know! I just don’t really trust anyone that much. And I don’t trust my own stupid meatbag body to not humiliate me,” Hal finally answered, a glum frown on his face. “What about you?”
“What about me?” Davesprite asked idly, still watching Hal with a touch of concern on his face. Then he registered the question. “You mean, since getting my legs back, have I been spreading them for people? Hell fucking yeah I have,” he grinned.
“What’s it like?” Hal asked, tilting his head curiously. “To, like, take it up the butt, I mean.”
“I don’t take it up the butt so I wouldn’t know,” Davesprite shrugged.
“Then… then you top?” Hal frowned, trying to view Davesprite topping someone. The ginger birdboy had definitely come off as a submissive person to him, but maybe he was different in bed or something.
Davesprite actually burst out laughing. “Oh my god, no, but that’s funny,” he snickered.
“It seems I am missing something here, Davesprite,” Hal pointed out, eyes narrowed in confusion.
“Yeah, you sure are. I use the other hole, dude,” Davesprite explained. He watched Hal mouthing his answer, still perplexed. “The front hole?” he added, eyebrow raised. He could practically hear Hal trying to do the math. “My vagina, Hal,” Davesprite finally spelled it out for the other man, a bit exasperated.
Realization dawned on Hal’s face. “Oh, I didn’t know… I couldn’t tell… you’re transgender?” He tilted his head, trying to figure out how he had missed something like that. Not that it was a problem, considering society had gotten pretty far before Sea Hitler murdered everyone, but it was something one would notice after being with a person for as long as he had been hanging out with Davesprite.
The man in question just shrugged. “Don’t worry about not being able to tell, our best fucking friend couldn’t tell either,” he dismissed.
“Yeah, but your best friend is also dumb as rocks,” Hal replied with a roll of his eyes.
“Don’t say shit like that, he’s not du-… actually, can we not talk about John? I’m not really in the mood to think about him when there’s better things to think about. Talking about John just makes the other things I’m thinking about feel awkward,” Davesprite explained.
“What are you thinking about?” Hal inquired.
“Do you want to fuck?” Davesprite countered. Hal’s jaw dropped.
“What?” Davesprite began to repeat himself. “No, I know what you said, but. You want to fuck me??” he asked, incredulous.
Davesprite shrugged again. “Why not? I haven’t had sex in a while, you’ve never had sex… why not fix both our problems?” He offered.
“Kill two birds with one stone?” Hal asked, uncertain. He hadn’t sought out a sexual partner even when sexually frustrated because he didn’t trust anyone. But if he did trust someone, it would be Davesprite. Davesprite just… understood him, in a way only another irrelevant splinter really could.
“That’s racist, but yeah,” Davesprite replied, pretending he was offended by the idiom. Hal laughed at his antics and agreed.
If there was anyone Hal could trust with the archaic societal social construct of his virginity, it would definitely be Davesprite.