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Walking through the door of his apartment, the ambiance felt off. Not in a way that would set off the alarm bells in his head from having survived this long, but something wasn’t right. Placing his shoes in the genkan, slipping off his sandy brown trench coat, and allowing the door to softly click shut behind him; Dazai was left alone with his thoughts.
“Tadaima,” Dazai calmly calls out; with only his echo greeting him back. He patiently waited for the soft bell-like voice to reply to him with an okaeri, but the response never came. He knew he wasn’t alone in the apartment, as his dress shoes had been placed next to blue canvas hightops with doodles drawn in pen. A text earlier had told him that she had gotten home safely, and that she had no plans to head out. Another text had alerted him that his Slug wouldn’t get home until early morning; something about needing to help Ane-san, and not to wait for him for dinner.
Walking further into his home, he noticed traces indicating his Sunshine’s presence. Her shoes neatly placed in the genkan, her favorite slippers missing from its resting spot, and her bubblegum pink school bag leaning against the wall.
Yet, for all that was there to show her presence, the apartment felt empty of it. Soft footsteps couldn’t be heard dancing along to cheesy American pop songs. No spontaneous melodic laughter was lingering throughout. The bitter smell of her preferred brand of Earl Grey wasn’t wafting, filling their home like something akin to perfume.
Before panic could truly set in about the paradox in front of him; the mystery solved itself as he made his way into the kitchen. Sitting at their small table was his Sunshine; however, instead of being filled with relief at seeing her, worry washed over Dazai. Approaching his sweet girl, Dazai purposely made his steps loud, so he wouldn’t scare her. Yet, his loud steps caused no reaction from her; all he was met with continued silence.
His Sunshine was now an eclipse. Or perhaps a black hole, a cruel entity that had drained away all of her radiance.
The site before him filled him with sorrow, as he knelt beside her. Clumps of blonde curls surrounded her face like a curtain, looking as if they had been sharply pulled from her still existing pony-tail. Resting his hand against her cheek, he was met with the sensation of dried tears. Her vivid hazel eyes usually filled with so much warmth were glazed over; a fogginess indicating his Sunshine was dissociating.
“Oh, my sweet girl, I’m sorry I wasn’t here.” He stood quickly moving to get to the freezer, “it’s going to be alright Sunshine.” Dazai wasn’t sure if the affirmations were for him or his sweet girl.
They were for him, as she wouldn’t be able to register his voice with how deep she appeared to be dissociating.
Kneeling in front of her again, Dazai muttered a quick apology. Gently grasping her left wrist, he pried open her hand placing a few ice cubes in it. His bandaged fist swallowed her dainty hand covered in streaks of acrylic paint. The reaction was immediate, and he felt horrid for keeping the frigid ice trapped in her hand. He remained calm and unmoving, even as she tried to jerk away. Doing anything to escape the cold grounding her back into reality. Water began to pool in her palm, dripping in between the silvers of their fingers as the heavy fog began to slowly dissipate from her eyes.
Minutes felt like hours, but slowly awareness began to shine in her eyes.
“There’s my sweet Sunshine,” Dazai practically cooed as he began to rub smoothing circles on her right cheek with his thumb. “It’s okay. You’re safe sweetie. It’s okay.”
“Tata? What’s going on?” Her voice hoarse further enunciating her masovian dialect. Vivid hazel eyes trail down to observe the scene in front of her. “I floated away, didn’t I?” She mumbled out, voice softening with each word.
Dazai released his grip on her hand, drying off the water on his pant leg. “You were dissociating, but there is nothing wrong with it. There is nothing to be ashamed of.” She refused to meet his gaze, so Dazai turned her head to face him.
“Halina, there is nothing wrong with you. I’m your Tata, it’s my job to take care of you. You, my brilliant Sunshine, are not and will never be a burden.” The firm but loving words were all that were needed to break open the floodgates. His Sunshine collapsed into arms, with sobs ripping out of her throat. All Dazai could do was hold her close, rubbing circles on her back, and mumbling affirmations of love and care. Her sobs wrecked through her small form, breaking Dazai’s heart as he was helpless to assuage her sorrows.
The only thing he could do was hold her close. A naive part of him hoping that he could shield her away from the demons lingering in her mind; and the monsters awaiting her everytime she stepped out the front door. Dazai knew for all of his predictions and precautions, that he couldn’t always be there to protect her. However, he could be there to take care of his sweet girl in the aftermath; giving her sanctuary to be vulnerable.
Eventually the sobs quieted and the tears ran out. Halina lifted her head meeting Dazai’s gaze. Her eyes were an irradiated red from the crying, but her light was slowly returning; bathing them both in the warm rays.
“It’s okay sweetie,” Dazai softly murmured, knowing Halina was most likely overstimulated. “What happened? Did you have a bad day?”
“No, I had a great day actually. I don’t know what happened. I felt fine…” her voice trailed off.
“Did everything just hit you at once?” Dazai said, finishing what she couldn’t.
“I think so,” she replied with a teary tone. She further leaned into her Tata’s embrace.
Feeling safe within his arms, basking in his loving touch, and listening to his steady heartbeat to keep her grounded in reality. With her Tata, Halina didn’t have to be strong. She could allow herself to relax and let her walls down. She could simply exist without having to wear a mask. She didn’t have to worry about how anything she said or did could be used against her. She was safe, and had the freedom to just be herself.
“Come on sweet girl, let’s go sit somewhere more comfortable.” Dazai said lightly, with his knees popping, and a firm grip never leaving Halina’s hand. He knew his Sunshine needed to have a physical reminder that he was here, that he wouldn’t abandon her.
He led them both to the living room, and gently placed his Sunshine on their bright orange couch; it was a nauseating neon shade, with matching fuzzy vomit green colored throw pillows. It was something he had bought to annoy his Chibi; the thing was an eye sore and migraine inducing. However, it was here to stay as Halina sincerely loved it, and thought it was beautiful; only their Sunshine could find beauty in something so revolting. So, the second youngest executive of the Port Mafia, half of soukoku, Nakahara Chuuya was stuck with the ugly thing polluting his living room. As he was unable to deny something that truly brought his Daughter joy.
Dazai was broken out of his thoughts, as he gently wrapped Halina’s favorite blanket around her. Though he made sure her arms were free, as he knew she hated being trapped when she felt fragile. “I’ll be right back Darling. Tata just needs to grab a few things, and then I’m all yours.” He waited until Halina nodded, as he knew the constant touch was one of the few things keeping her from dissociating again.
Dazai returned a few moments later with a box of fabric markers and sharpies. He placed the box on the coffee table, and turned on the television; putting on Mama Mia. He and Chuuya couldn’t stand the movie, but their Sunshine absolutely adored it, and that was enough for them. He sat down next to her, and gently placed his bandage arm in her lap. He handed her a random marker, “do you mind Darling?”
Her reaction was instantaneous, a huge grin broke out on her face, and Dazai was blinded by her contagious mirth. “Is there anything you want in particular?” His Sunshine was practically vibrating in excited anticipation.
“Surprise me. Anything you draw will be incredible.” Dazai barely finished his sentence, before Halina began to draw on his bandages; Mama Mia forgotten as the blank canvas in front of her was demanding her full attention.
When Chuuya finally made it back to the apartment he shared with his Daughter and Mackerel, it was four in the morning, and he knew it was pointless trying to be quiet. His Mackerel would wake up immediately when someone entered their home, even if it was just Chuuya; and his sweetheart could sleep through an earthquake.
He was led to the living room by the noise coming from the T.V, and the site he saw filled his heart with warmth; not that he’d be caught alive admitting that to his Mackerel. Halina was asleep with her head resting on Dazai’s chest, with his arms wrapped around her waist.
“Oi, I know you’re awake stupid Dazai.” The bastard refused to open his eyes, even as he replied. “Mah, my Hatrack is so mean. Here I am just trying to rest, and I’m so rudely awoken.”
“I’m rude, am I?” Chuuya replied with a soft kiss to Dazai’s cheek. “The rudest.” Dazai agreed, bringing their lips together. Chuuya’s eyes trailed down to Dazai’s right arm, the entire thing was covered in rose drawings. He was mesmerized by the vibrant colors and graphic lines, sharply contrasting Mackerel’s sterile white background.
He slowly put the pieces together as he finally noticed what movie was playing on the television. “Rough day?” Chuuya’s voice was steeped in worry.
“Everything just hit her at once. I came home to find her dissociating in the kitchen. I think she was more worried about us viewing her as a burden.” How Dazai kept the rage out of his voice, Chuuya would never know. “You can’t kill the dead Chibi.” Stupid Dazai said whilst carding his fingers through Halina’s thick curls.
“I know that, Mackerel. Doesn't mean the fantasy isn’t appealing.” Chuuya replied as he sat down, and began to rub Halina’s back.
“The best thing we can do is to take care of her when she breaks. We’ll remain a constant presence, so she knows we won’t ever abandon her.”
“When did you get so wise, Bastard?”
“I’ve always been smart, it’s not my fault your slug brain can’t comprehend that.
“If you weren’t holding our Daughter, I’d kill you right here and now.”
“Oooo, I’m so scared.” Dazai teased as he leaned over for another kiss. Once they had parted, Halina began to stir. “What’s going on? Is it time for school?” Her words were mumbled out in a mixture of Polish and Japanese. She turned to face Chuuya, “Oh, welcome home Papa.” Even half asleep her voice was filled with warmth. “Hi, sweetheart,” Chuuya cooed as he gently patted her head. “Go back to sleep Angel.”
“Okay. G’night Tata. G’night Papa.” Halina murmured as she nestled her head in the crook of Chuuya’s neck and shoulder.
“Goodnight Angel.” Chuuya murmured, as he held Halina tight and placed a soft kiss on her head.
“Sweet dreams Sunshine. Your Papa and I will protect you from nightmares.” Dazai said, adjusting the blanket over the three of them.