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Technoblade has never asked Tommy for anything.
It's strange, dawning on him one day, almost like something had clicked together. The others were used to asking for hugs and cuddles, or the occasional nap that left him feeling warm and gooey inside. They'd wait for the small nod before pulling him into their arms.
Schlatt was different, standing closely to him, their arms brushing together until Tommy leaned into him, but it was his way of asking. Tommy knew that, Schlatt knew that, though he'd never admit it.
Techno didn't have something like that, no sign to let Tommy know he wanted anything, no words spoken, nothing. But he was always there when Tommy needed him, his arms opening wide that had Tommy running into his chest, hands clutching the back of his shirt for a good while.
The others were also used to asking him to get things for them, of course only if he was out already, the worst being when Wilbur pouts, slumping against the wall in a dramatic display. Tommy didn't need to be begged to bring stuff back, he'd happily stop off at the store to buy whatever they needed if they were busy with practice.
Yet, Techno never asks for anything.
Tommy mentions later that week while Technoblade is out, getting them each a drink for the vending machine outside the rink. The others are deep into their own conversation, Sapnap trying to steal Quackity's beanie off the top of his head that has him shouting every few minutes.
Tommy takes a deep breath. "Why doesn't Techno ever ask me for anything?"
The silence is deafening, and Tommy can't help but tense up at it. He trusts them, he trusts them more than himself sometimes, however, years of torment from his old coach wouldn't be washed away in the amount of time Tommy had known the SMP.
He wishes it would, then he wouldn't be sitting here now, hands gripping the bottom of his seat, the edges most likely leaving indents in his skin.
Wilbur, finally, breaks the silence. "What do you mean, Sunshine?"
"Well… Well, he just doesn't ask me for anything." He picks at a loose thread on his sweater. "I mean, you guys let me know if you want hugs, or just to get you something in general. Techno, doesn't do that."
Tommy's throat bobs, and then he looks up. They're all looking at him, all listening to him, it makes him feel heard.
"Techno's happy as long as we're all happy." Wilbur says, he props his arm on the back of the seat. "He's been like that ever since I've met him."
"But, what happens when he's not happy and we are, what then?" There's no answer, Tommy continues. "He gives when we need it, and he accepts things when we offer, but that's not the same as asking for something when you need it."
He knows how that feels, wanting something that you can't have, it being that close that he could graze his fingertips over the surface and still be kept away from it. Tommy has been through that, and he was learning that coming forward and saying he needed something, whether that be comfort or something physical, wouldn't end in punishment.
"He knows he can ask us for things too, right?" Tommy asks.
"I'm sure he knows that, mate." Phil says, reaching over to pat his shoulder. "Techno takes care of people, especially those he's closest with, that's who he is."
"Yeah, he's like the team's mom." Sapnap chimes in, it earns a small smile from Tommy.
"I just… I want him to know that he can come to me for that kind of stuff, you know, when he is upset or having a bad day." Like he's done for me, Tommy leaves unstaid, tucked away in the back of his mind.
"Then let him know."
Tommy blinks, turning to George. "What?"
"Well, you can sit around wishing he knew how you feel, or, you can tell him, show him that he can come to you." George explains, giving Tommy an encouraging look.
He actually didn't think about that. Though Tommy didn't want to just walk up to Technoblade and spill every single worry he's had since the start of the week, he didn't want to break down and chicken out at the last second.
Tommy wanted it to be special, because when he found out he had a group of people who'd drop everything for him in a heartbeat it was special for him, a core memory that was locked away, ready to be remembered every single time he had any doubt that they didn't care about him.
He goes through different scenarios in his head, all kinds of ways he can go about this without backpedalling the first chance he gets. One sticks up, and he sits up quickly, looking around the group of faces.
"What would be the best gift to buy Techno?"
"A gift? Uh, he likes literature," Phil suggests. "Stuff like Greek mythology, The Art of War, poetry-"
"Techno likes poetry?" Tommy asks, leaning forward. "And, The Art of War? But Techno-"
"Is a lover, not a fighter?"
"Isn't a violent person?"
"He literally punched someone in the face." Quackity points out.
They're silent again, and then all speak at the same time. "Deserved."
Tommy laughs, yeah, it was hard to forget Techno knocking out his old coach. His heart warms at the memory, he was ready to throw away the chance at gold for him, for some kid he hardly knew. Tommy's eyes stung.
"He doesn't mention it much, likes to keep things to himself sometimes." Phil says.
"Yeah, but then he always says that one quote to me, the wise warrior avoids the battle." Schlatt comments with a small huff, crossing his arms.
"It stuck didn't it?" Wilbur asks. "When's the last time you got into a full on fistfight?"
Schlatt opens his mouth to answer, he doesn't have one. Wilbur looks smug about rendering him speechless, because as far as Tommy was aware, Schlatt hadn't been involved in a physical fight for a while.
"He likes things that come from the heart." Wilbur presses his palm against his own chest. "Trust me, you'll see what I mean if you do that."
Tommy takes all the information and suggestions he got, planning out what he'd do without saying it outloud. The team doesn't disturb him, and Tommy is grateful they're allowing him to do this without them changing anything.
Technoblade comes back a few minutes later, and George runs over to help with the cans he's holding in his arms. All Tommy can think about is who he needs to speak to next.
"Wait, put that one there. Make sure you try and keep ones of the same colours away from each other, you want a mix around the wire."
Tommy slowly wraps the stem around the wire, carefully touching the petals in fear he'd cause them to fall off. Ranboo is watching closely from beside him on the floor, legs crossed with the look of pure consideration spread across his face.
There's a bunch of flowers and greenery scattered around them, baby’s breath, ivy, snapdragon's and myrtle. The most important lying in the middle, gladiolus.
Tommy paid close attention when Ranboo explained that each flower had their own meaning, one beside the other telling a story if you let it. Gladiolus were honor, they were faithfulness, persistence and strength. They were everything Technoblade was, and Tommy couldn't stop staring at them through the glass of the flower store he and Ranboo got them from.
They were perfect for what Tommy wanted to make, a crown. It was simple, but Tommy remembers a time, before the ice, before the hurt, when he'd make flower crowns with his parents. Well, he'd watch while his mother sat there, weaving different flowers into something beautiful, something he was worthy enough to place on top of his head.
Tommy was never good at making them, his fingers would shake to much, the steam snapping before he could even weave them together. Ranboo was a big help, pointing out what needed to be fix, what he could change. He had only wanted Ranboo's advice, Tommy remembered a few years back while they were all out, him, Ranboo, Tubbo and Aimsey that he'd point out different flowers in the grass, telling them what they were, what they meant. It was nice, and Tommy was glad it stuck with him until now.
"If you want it to be perfect, why not have Ranboo make one?" Tubbo asks. Tommy looks over his shoulder, Tubbo is lay on his stomach on one of the beds, legs kicking back and forth behind him.
"Because I want it to be something from me." Tommy says. "Something comming from the heart."
"Did Wilbur tell you that?" Tommy sends him a glare, Tubbo laughs. "Sounds like something he'd say. It's coming along really nicely though."
Tommy smiles, ducking his head down so he can carry on adding the flowers.
"If you want to comment, why don't you get down here and make one?" Ranboo questions, dropping some of the left over wire.
"I told him it was nice, dick." Tubbo quibs back, throwing his pillow across the room, it hits Ranboo straight in the face.
Ranboo stumbles to get up, like a newborn giraffe trying to walk for the first time. Tommy scoots out the way, occasionally looking up to see who was winning the fight, or showing Ranboo his progress. The two would atleast pause so he could give Tommy advice or praise his work, then go back to tackling each other on the bed.
Tommy shakes his head, it was going to be a long week.
Tommy leads Technoblade through a grassy field attached to the park on a sunny Friday morning. It hadn't took much convincing to keep the others from going with them, not when Tommy explain what he was planning on doing.
The nerves hadn't hit Tommy until they were stood under one of the trees, Technoblade glances down at him slight, his brows furrowed. "You want me to what?"
"I want you to close your eyes." Tommy says again, he does a better job this time at keeping the shakiness from his voice. "Just for a few seconds."
"If this is a prank, you know I'm getting you back, right?" Techno asks, closing his eyes without saying another word.
Tommy digs through the bag bag he brought with him, smiling when he saw the two crowns still intact, nothing had fallen off in their walk there. He puts his own on first, nudging it until he let out a small hum, holding Techno's crown with far too much care.
This was the moment of truth, he could hide the crown away and just give him the few other gifts he had bought him, he could even keep them all together and make up an excuse why he had Technoblade close his eyes. Or he could push back the growing nerves, and give what he had been working so hard on for the past few weeks.
Tommy had never been brave, not really, but in that moment where he leans forward, raising the crown above Techno's head and placing it gently down without pausing or hesitantly, he'd say he was the bravest he had ever been in his life.
"Okay, you can open them now."
Technobalde does, his face had already scrunched up in confusion when he felt something being put on his head, the weight light, he'd hardly know it was there. His face softens when his eyes land above Tommy's eyes, his mouth falling open.
"Flower crowns?" Techno meets blue eyes, and Tommy nods quickly.
"Yeah, matching flower crowns." Tommy laughs quietly when Techno tries to look up at his own, the crown falling back slightly when he tilts his head back. "There's some other stuff too."
If Technoblade was surprised about the crowns, he was certainly thrown off by the two books handed to him, he takes them carefully, looking at both at both with so much wonder for someone who most likely owned a copy of one of them. Tommy points it out.
"You probably already own a copy of The Arts of War, but, you know, can't have too many copies." He explains. There's a moment of silence, a moment where Tommy slowly regrets giving them to him. Does he hate it? Is he annoyed that he gave him another copy? Where was he going to put it? He knew he should've stuck with the flower crowns, he knew- Technoblade looks up, and Tommy's eyes widen.
Techno was crying, not full fledged sobs that left his body shaking, but silent tears that welled up in his eyes, some falling down his cheeks when he smiles. Tommy can't tell if he should smile back or turn and run, but his feet are stuck to the ground, and he doesn't move.
"I love them." He uses the sleeve of his sweatshirt to wipe at the tears. "Could've warned me you were going to personally attack me today."
Tommy was still in shock. "Y-You're crying."
"Yeah, yeah I am," Technoblade looks slightly embarrassed, but he smiles. "I lost my copy of The Art of War a few months ago, I never had the time to go replace it. I don't know, it holds a special place in my heart… The poetry book was a nice touch too."
The crying made alot more sense now, and Tommy wonders if that why Phil had suggested that to him in the first place, he'd ask him when they got back. Right now, however, Techno sniffs, his arm dropping, and he shuffles the two books so he could hold one in each hand.
"Not that I don't appreciate this, but why give me these now?"
Tommy smiles drops, his fingers pull at his sweater. "I-... I-".
"Tommy?" Techno gently drops the books down on the grass before kneeling in front, holding his arms. "Breath, alright? In and out."
Tommy hadn't realised his breathing had picked up, fast puffs of air leaving parted lips that had his head spinning. He felt stupid about getting so worked up over this, but he didn't want Techno to get mad at him for bringing this up, didn't want him to finally snap at him and leave him alone in the park.
He knew he wouldn't, Technoblade wouldn't dream of doing that to him, still, the thoughts were there, and he takes a good few minutes taking large, shaky breaths, counting back from ten in his head.
"You're doing so well kid," Techno priases, cradling the back of his head. "Don't worry about anything else other than breathing."
"Techno-" Tommy grips his free hand, Techno runs a thumb against his. "Tech, I need to tell you something."
"It can wait." Techno says, promises.
Tommy shakes his head wildly. "No, no it can't-"
He couldn't, because he knew if he didn't mention what he wanted to know he never will, Tommy wouldn't have the courage to bring the topic up again after this, and he'd spend every other waking day thinking about what if he had just bit the bullet and said what he wanted.
"Okay," Techno says slowly. "Okay, I'm listening."
He takes a breath in, holds, and breathes out. "You never ask me for anything," Tommy starts, Techno nods, ushering him to go on. "It's always me hugging you, or you know when I need one, and I really appreciate that, I do. But you never ask me for one, you never ask me for anything."
Techno watches him, listens to him, and Tommy falls apart right there.
"And I just, I feel like you don't know that you can come to me, that you don't know how much I care about you, how much you mean to me. I'll be here for you when you need it." Tommy says, squeezing his hand. "I need you to know that Techno, I need to know you've heard me."
"I've hear you," Techno moves his hand, cupping Tommy's cheek. "I hear you, Tom's."
Tommy pushes into his hand, nodding, too exhausted to give him a response.
"But I already have everything I need, right here." Techno explains. "I don't need much, you and the others are always there, and that's enough for me."
Tommy shudders, he feels warm, safe, loved.
"That's all I've ever wanted in life Tommy, and if I ever need more I'll come to you, straight to you." Techno smiles. "You are home Tommy, my home, don't forget that."
Tommy believes him, then again, Tommy would always belive Techno when he told him something. He nods, scrubbing at his face, and he smiles when Techno joins the fray, dapping at his face with his sleeve.
His crown was still slanted, and Tommy chokes on a laugh.
"You suit a crown." Tommy reaches up, straightening it out while fixing one of the flowers that have become slanted.
"Think I'd make a good king?" Technoblade jokes. He watches Tommy, lips curling up when he sees the boy's tongue sticking out from the side of his mouth slightly.
"You'd be a great king." Tommy says confidently. "They'd love you."
"Nah," Techno picks at a strand of grass, then lets it fall beside him. "They'd only like me because I'm royalty, probably suck up to me."
Tommy wasn't the type to get angry, every other possible emotion became before that, but when he hears what Technoblade says, take it in and let's it settle in his brain he feels that emotion well up upside him, bubbling over.
Tommy moves, hands grabbing Techno's cheeks, squeezing them together, brows narrowing. "You can't say that, you can't, they would love you. They would love you because I love you, and if they can't see that well… Well then they don't deserve you!"
Birds wings flutter, they fly from out from the trees, Tommy's voice startling them. Technoblade sits there, wide eyed while staring at Tommy, and the boy calms instantly. He had yelled at Techno, he yelled at Technoblade.
His hands fall to his side, and Tommy flushes. "Sorry, I don't know why that came out so aggressive,"
"Tommy-
"I mean, you know I love you, because I tell you when I'm able to."
"Tommy-"
"I can't understand why people wouldn't feel the same, I mean you're you and-"
"Tommy!"
He shuts up, and Technoblade looks close to tears again, his chest moving as he takes a breath.
"Can I have that hug now?"
Tommy is still, then he's not, barrelling into Technoblade that has him tilting over, falling onto the grass beanth them. They laugh, limbs tangled together, arms holding each other, and they lay there, clinging to each other while the world goes on around them.
That moment, will stay with them forever.
"This is one of my favourites." Techno moves so Tommy can read the page, his eyes scan over the words, he reads it in his mind, the last sentence sending causes goosebumps to run across his arms.
–Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.
"That's really nice." Tommy mumbles, scared to upset the peace they had created around them.
"What's your favorite poem?" Techno asks.
Tommy hums. "Meet me where the falling stars live. I will wait for you day and night."
"I've never heard of that one." Techno turns the page over, pausing to read before flicking to the next one. "
"I remember reading it in a book from the library," Tommy glances at Techno, he looks back. "It stuck with me, you know?"
"That's when you know something has been worth it," Techno bumps his shoulder against his. "When you remember it through your lifetime, when it follows you where ever you go."
Tommy nods, because he agrees, with ever fibre of his being he agrees. There always had to be a reason to carry something like that, remember it. Maybe because it helped him through dark times, maybe because he had stayed on that page for a good ten minutes before moving on even when his heart ached.
There was no good reason to remember something that brought pain, not unless it also brought happiness and light into your life too. If you thought back on that memory one day, smiling because, yes, remembering did cause your heart to ache, did cause tears to sting your eyes, but then you remember the most important moments of all, the ones where you laughed so hard you couldn't breathe, times where you met people with common interests and cared so much for you when maybe those closeness to you didn't, then it was always worth keeping around.
So, it was okay to remember the pain, because there was always something better right behind to help along the way.
"This is a good one." Techno taps the page, and Tommy stares at it for awhile. "It's a similar topic."
Tommy moves, lying down and resting his head on Technoblade's lap, and the man wastes no time in running his free hand through blonde hair. Tommy lets out a sigh of content, he wanted to stay here in this moment, just for awhile longer.
"Read it to me?" He asks, and Techno clears his throat.
He begins to speak, his voice soothing as the wind rustled through the trees, the sun shining down, the petals on his crown had never been so vibrant before, and its perfect, not the same perfect that caused fear to roll around in his stomach, that caused him to tense up at the mere thought of it. This was theirs.
Who knew what tomorrow would bring, bad days that wouldn't let him move from his bed, people who only wanted throw hate at him, who knows. But Tommy knew he wouldn't be alone, he would never be alone, and he'd make sure the others weren't alone either.
Because Technoblade didn't ask for much, but that was fine, he had people who would give him the world without a second thought. He had his team, his family, the fanbase they had made from competing in a sport he cherished close to his heart. Technoblade understood he could go to Tommy, go to any of them.
For now, that was enough.
Techno looks down, he smiles, and Tommy knew he was okay, they were okay.
And in time, dear reader, we will be okay too.
"–So as you stand upon a shore gazing at a beautiful sea, as you look upon a flower and admire its simplicity, remember me. Remember me in your heart: your thoughts, and your memories, of the times we loved, the times we cried, the times we fought, the times we laughed. For if you always think of me, I will never have gone."