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Katarina was being lectured by her mother. She had done something unladylike again, something that would have been fine in Japan. It had been three hours already. Wasn’t this just unfair? What was so wrong with climbing trees anyway? What was wrong with jumping for joy and eating without manners? What’s so bad about owning a vegetable field?
She’s nine years old. Inside, she’s a high schooler, but no one else knows that. Isn’t it fine to act like a child? She sighed inwardly.
Man, she missed her mom. Her original mom. She wouldn’t yell at her for something insignificant like this. Oh sure, she’d yell at her for several other things but not this.
She missed her phone, too. She missed technology in general. The convenience of it all wasn’t something she could get over easily. Her short Gen Z attention span was suffering.
She missed school too. She was always late for class, which she’d get penalized for, but all of her classmates liked her and laughed good-naturedly when she burst through the door a minute late.
She missed stopping by the convenience store with A-chan after school too. That was fun.
She missed watching television with her family.
She missed her grandma and her field.
Her chest started to hurt.
She missed her brothers.
She missed her dad.
She missed A-chan.
She missed her mom.
Her vision started to blur over with tears.
She-
She-
She wanted to go home.
She wanted to go home.
She wanted her mom.
“Katarina, look at your mother when she’s talking to you!”
Her mother’s words took a moment to reach her brain. She looked up slowly.
“K-Katarina?”
She curled in on herself. She couldn’t cry. She was a bright, positive girl.
Her body shuddered. Her chest felt tight. She couldn’t breathe.
She needed to scream. She needed silence.
Her head was so loud. She was going to explode.
“Katarina, please breathe. Mother’s not mad. It’s okay.” Her mother turned around swiftly and called for a maid. “Call the duke here. Quickly.”
The maid gave a sharp nod and dashed off.
“Katarina, it’s okay. Mommy’s here.” She gently rubbed her daughter’s shaking back with a warm hand. “Mommy’s here.” It reminded her of her mom from home- from Japan.
“Mommy’s here.”
But she wasn’t.
And then Katarina cried.
Katarina lay curled up in bed and thought about the past hour.
No one had ever expected her to cry like that. It’d been several months since she regained her past life’s memories and the only time she had cried was when she thought she had crushed Keith with her butt. Once she started full-out sobbing in front of her mother, her father came running as fast as he could and they both held her as she cried harder than she had in her entire life, past life included.
When she regained her memories, Prince Gerald proposed an engagement, she realized she was a villainess, she had to craft a plan for survival, she had to find teachers for magic and swordsmanship, and her step brother Keith arrived. There was too much happening at once for her to even think about things other than the events in the Fortune Lover game and her survival. And once she had time to breathe, her overly optimistic personality had prevented her from really thinking about what had happened to her. She had forced herself to forget it all and focus on living this new life without looking back.
But she still remembered dying.
She remembered lying on the road, bleeding out. She could still feel the ripping hot pain from the car hitting her at full speed. She could remember the twisting fear when her vision started fading away.
She remembered desperately not wanting to die.
Katarina felt tears pricking at the corners of her eyes and squeezed them shut. She was too tired to start crying again.
“Sister?”
She turned to see Keith’s small, curly head poking out from behind the door.
“Sister, are you alright?”
Katarina opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
Keith slowly closed the door behind him and walked towards her. She watched as he sat next to her and gently brushed the hair off of her exhausted face.
“What happened?” he said quietly. His voice shook.
She closed her eyes and didn’t say anything. She couldn’t say anything. If she spoke, she would start crying again, and she was much too tired for that.
The sheets shifted next to her and soon there was a comforting warmth settled right beside her.
“Sister, could I sleep with you tonight?”
Small arms reached over and hugged him softly. He took that as a yes.
Keith didn’t like his sister acting like this. She was always such a lively, positive girl. Seeing her sob and gasp for breath in their parents’ arms- he didn’t think the memory would ever leave him.
He held his sister gently as she breathed out a shuddering sigh and relaxed. What could have happened? Surely it wasn’t because of their mother’s lectures- Katarina got lectured all the time and walked out emotionally unscathed every time. It had to be something else. But not knowing the problem meant not knowing the solution, which meant that he couldn’t fix it. And that was driving him crazy. He felt powerless.
Keith closed his eyes and listened to his sister’s breathing even out as she drifted off to sleep. Inwardly, he promised himself to protect her.
She saved me when I was sad. I’ll save her too.
The next day, Gerald showed up for his usual visit and was told that Katarina was too sick to play.
“Oh, Katarina is sick? May I go see her for a moment then, to wish her well?” Gerald directed a sparkling, charming smile at Anne, Katarina’s maid.
Uncertainly, she replied, “Your highness, My lady is not in a state to be seeing others right now.”
“Yes, I know. And as her fiancé, is it not my responsibility to ensure her wellbeing?”
“Your highness- ”
“I don’t think I can rest easy without checking for myself whether she is alright.”
She sighed. “... Just for a moment, then. Please be quick.”
He gave her another one of his signature smiles. “Of course!”
Anne led the way to Katarina’s bedroom and stopped at the door. “Before you go in, Your highness, please know that My lady is… not in the best state of mind right now.”
When is she ever , he thought fondly. But he frowned in concern.
“Emotionally, she is weak. Therefore, please be especially kind and patient to her today.”
He nodded. “I understand.”
He cracked open the door and walked in to see Katarina slouched in bed, mindlessly reading a book. Keith sat in a chair next to her, also reading a book. He looked up and rose from his seat as he saw Gerald come in.
“Prince Gerald.”
“Hello, Keith.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see how Katarina is doing.” Gerald walked over to the bed where Katarina sat. She glanced up at him with a small smile and he nearly jumped in shock at her red, swollen eyes. “Katarina?” he said hesitantly. He reached out to hold her hand in his. “Are… you alright? Did something happen?”
Her smile fell by a millimeter, but Gerald noticed immediately.
“Katarina…”
“... Gerald, thank you for coming all this way to see me as always. I’m sorry I can’t play with you right now. I guess I’m just not in the best of moods.” Katarina said softly. Gerald held her hand tighter.
“It’s alright.” He gave her a gentle smile. “Please get better soon.”
Her smile grew ever so slightly, which quelled his worries for a moment.
“Keith,” he said tersely. “Could I speak to you for a moment?”
Keith nodded and followed him out of the room. The second the door was closed, Gerald turned to him, eyes narrowed. “What happened?” he demanded.
Keith sighed. “We don’t know.”
“You don’t know ?”
“She won’t tell us. Mother was lecturing her and she just started crying. We all keep asking her, but she won’t say.”
That’s unusual, Gerald thought. Usually she’ll say whatever’s on her mind.
“If she won’t tell us what’s wrong, how are we supposed to help?”
Keith shrugged. “Maybe she just needs some time to sort it out by herself.”
“She’s only nine.” So are you, weirdo , Keith thought exasperatedly. “And she’s Katarina. I’m wary of whatever her brain will try to sort out.”
“That’s fair.” Keith looked out the window. It was a cloudy day. “Should we let everyone else know? Maybe we can think of something together.”
“I suppose.”
It had been about five days since Katarina initially broke down in her parents’ arms. She could feel that everyone was walking on eggshells around her, careful to be quiet, kind, and undisturbing. No one woke her up in the mornings, letting her get up whenever she wished. She often had meals in her room, since she was too tired to walk to the dining hall. The entire estate was in a state of uncertainty now that their loud, wild young lady was so silent.
She was getting better, at least she thought so. The first day after the initial incident- the day Gerald came over- she found herself crying over most things that reminded her of her previous family. Her parents had come in that morning to check on her, and it made her miss her parents back in Japan so much her heart ached. When she looked at Keith she was reminded of her older brother back home who would always chastise her with a laugh and smile. She tried to read her romance books, but the cliché tropes made her think of A-chan. She couldn’t take her mind off of them by tending to her field because that just reminded her of her grandma.
But lately, she’s been crying less. Fewer things remind her of her past life. She knew how worried her current family was about her, and she was very sorry to have worried them so much, especially since she couldn’t possibly tell them why she was so sad. But she was trying to recover on her own terms and not rush to feel better. She’d feel sad now, so she could feel happy again later. And she’d like to be happy again soon. Even she felt how weird it was for her to not laugh and stomp around like usual.
Katarina cracked open the window and let in the cool night air. The full moon shone down on her and the breeze soothed her body, tense from sorrow and tears.
She let herself think of her old family again; calmly, slowly, so she wouldn’t cry. Did they miss her as well? She hadn’t even gotten the chance to say goodbye to them.
She wasn’t very religious or anything, but she prayed to whomever to send a message to her friends and family back home.
Please let them know that I’m happy. I have a family who loves me and friends who care about me. I miss you all. I love you.
A class full of students return to their studies one by one after the shock of losing one of their own.
A heartbroken girl accepts her best friend’s loss and wishes to be with her again in her next life.
A sorrowful grandmother quietly sings an old farming song as she tends to the field her granddaughter used to love.
An older brother goes back to college and works hard because his sister would be proud of him if he did.
Another brother sits on the couch and watches television alone. The space next to him feels empty, but the loss doesn't hurt as much anymore.
A mourning father returns to his job and manages to focus on his work.
A grieving mother finally gathers the strength to enter her daughter’s room and clean up.
They all mourn her. But they slowly return to their lives without her. And in their hearts, they somehow know that she is happy and loved where she is.
Katarina woke up the next morning and checked the clock. It was almost time for breakfast.
A memory of her past life comes up, of her mother pulling her blanket off and shouting at her to wake up.
Katarina breathed. The memory didn’t hurt as much as it used to.
She took her time washing up and dressing herself without calling for her maid, Anne. This was what she was more used to anyway. She’d go back to being pampered by maids tomorrow as a duke’s daughter should, but for today, she just wanted to relive this feeling of washing her face, brushing her hair, and picking out an outfit by herself. For a moment, she considered hiding the X-shaped scar on her forehead with bangs, but decided against it.
She looked at herself in the mirror and gave herself a steady grin. Smiling was starting to come to her easily again.
“Okay, Katarina,” she declared to her reflection, “Today’s going to be a good day.”
Then she turned toward the window and opened it wide. She breathed in the fresh morning air and looked at the bright blue sky.
“Mom, Dad, Grandma, Brother, A-chan!” she announced to the sky, “I’m going to strive to be happy today as well.”
The sun shone on her face for a moment and she basked in it. Then she closed the window and headed to breakfast.
“Good morning,” she called out as she opened the door. Her parents and Keith, who had been eating quietly, turned toward her.
“Good morning, Katarina!” her father said with a watery smile. “I’m glad you could eat with us today.”
She nodded. Then she bowed at the waist. “Thank you… for being my family. I’m sorry you had to deal with me these past few days, but I’m grateful to have parents and a brother who loves me.”
Her father rose from his seat and knelt down on one knee in front of his daughter. “Katarina, dear. Don’t apologize. We will always take care of you.” He opened his arms and Katarina quickly rushed in for a hug. Her mother soon put her arms around her as well, and Keith joined in soon after.
“I love you.”
“We love you too, Katarina.”
Around noon, Keith popped into her room. He took her hand and started dragging her somewhere.
“Keith?” she asked as they walked briskly. “Where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise, sister!” he smiled.
They stepped into the back gardens where she kept her vegetable fields and she looked up to see all of her friends.
“Everyone!” she exclaimed in surprise. “What are you all doing here?”
Mary rushed forward and buried Katarina in a tight hug. “We heard from Keith and Gerald that you weren’t feeling very well,” she said, muffled in Katarina’s shoulder.
“We’ve been taking care of your fields while you were down for the count,” Alan said. “It’s been a big pain.”
“And we prepared a picnic with all of your favorite sweets,” Gerald added with a charming smile. “Come, let’s go eat.”
“And I brought a bunch of novels that I wanted to recommend to you!” Sophia chimed in.
Katarina felt like she was about to cry again, but from happiness this time. She rubbed her eyes vigorously to wipe away any stray tears.
“Katarina?” Mary lifted her head from Katarina’s shoulder. “Are you alright?” She cupped Katarina’s cheek and stroked with her thumb gently.
“Yes!” Katarina exclaimed. She reached forward and brought Mary back into her arms. “I’m just so glad that I… that I have such good friends as you all. Thank you.”
Knowing that she could never go back home and see her friends and family again- it still hurt. It ached. But the feeling of loss wasn’t as bad as it used to be. And now she’s got a new family who loves her and friends who worry for her. It would still take a bit more time to return to her normal self, and maybe the feeling of grief would never fully go away, but she’s blessed to live this new life.