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Eri is confused.
It's a new word, and she holds it close. When she forms it in her mouth, it feels easier to understand everything like when she rubs her eyes after waking up.
It's a word that she can use for what she felt back then.
She was confused when she saw Deku-nii and the others fight Overhaul. Why were they doing their best just to save her? How could they still fight even when they saw how strong Overhaul was? Why won't they give up?
After she was saved, the confusion hurts less. It feels like the buzzing under her skin after eating candied apples. It feels like wanting to run after Mirio-nii when they play tag (and it feels so different to smile and laugh on green fields, than to tremble and cry in grey alleyways).
When she's confused, there are a lot of questions in her mind. Aizawa-san told her that she can always ask him, even if he doesn't know all the answers. He said that it will be good for her cog-ni-tive de-ve-lop-ment. When she asked what that long word meant, he told her that it means her mind will grow and be better.
Eri wants to be better so she can smile more for the people who saved her. So, she asks questions that feels easy to say. What are crepes? What is music? What are cartoons? What is a teacher? Everyone smiles, and does their best to show her that the world is so much bigger than small dark rooms.
There are questions she doesn't feel strong enough to ask yet. She still wonders why is she still in UA, why is she surrounded by kind people, and why haven't they made her do anything yet.
She never thought that Deku-nii would make her throat close up with a hard-to-say question. He was so kind, and so warm. He made her smile. He was one of her heroes. So, why does she feel like this now?
She can feel her stomach twist and turn. She doesn't know why Aizawa-san asked her to meet Deku-nii in front of the teacher's dorms. She doesn't know why Aizawa-san avoided her question on why Deku-nii wants to see her outside before dinner.
Deku-nii is crouched in front of her, and she doesn't know why his face has bandages. She doesn't know why his smile feels wrong. It doesn't warm her up like it used too. Instead of the sun on one of their picnics, it was like the light that came from the crack underneath her old door.
Something is wrong.
"Eri-chan." His voice is soft, always gentle when he talks to her.
"Deku-nii? You're hurt..."
The smile on Deku-nii's face goes smaller, but he takes a deep breath and looks into her eyes. Eri knows she has to listen. This feels important. Why is it important?
"Eri-chan... I just wanted you to know... I'm leaving UA. I won't be able to see you like I used to, but I promise that I will always call you! Mirio-senpai offered to help with video calls, and maybe I'll even visit - "
"You're going away?"
Eri repeats Deku-nii's words. She feels dizzy and cold, and she couldn't stop herself from running into his arms. He's going away? Where? For how long? Why? Why? Why?
Deku-nii holds her close, and it feels like first time they met.
"Yes, Eri. I'm leaving UA. But it doesn't mean we will never see each other! I promise! I'll call you everyday if you want to! Okay?"
"Why are you going away?" She wriggles in his arms to look at his face. UA is a good place, a better place. She is safe and happy here. Surely, Deku-nii is safe and happy here too. He was always smiling and laughing when she saw him. Why is he leaving? Why is he hurt?
Deku-nii's eyes dim, and his smile is gone, and something in Eri is screaming because Deku-nii should never look like that. Never ever. Not even for a second.
For a moment, Deku-nii looked just like she did when she saw herself in dull spoons and shiny metal tables. Empty. Scared. Sad.
What happened? What happened? Deku-nii... Don't look like that. Be as happy as you were before. Smile like the sun again. Please. Please. Please.
She pushes him away when she feels her quirk bubble up, She sees tears form in Deku-nii's eyes, and it feels like there are bells and whistles near her ears and it's so loud and the power is too much.
Did she scare Deku-nii? Did she make him sad? Oh no, oh no, no, no. She can't stop it. She can't hurt him. She can't. She can't. She can't.
The world suddenly becomes silent, and the bubbling power disappeared. Eri turns her head to see Aizawa-san, and it surprised her to see him so far away that she forgot all about him. Usually, he would be close by, a comforting presence behind her that made her feel like her quirk was safe as long as he was there.
His eyes are red, and his hair is floating. He looks sad and angry. Is it because she failed to control her quirk again?
"Oh... Eri..." She turns her attention back to Deku-nii. He wraps his arms around her again, and she turns her face away from Aizawa-san as she curls inside the embrace. She squeezes her eyes shut, and does her best to hold in her tears. She fails.
"I'm s-sorry! I'm sorry. I promise I'll be good. I'll be better! Don't go, Deku-nii. Don't go!"
His arms tighten around her.
"It's not your fault, Eri. I promise that it's not your fault." He pats her head with a kind hand.
"I just... I can't stay here anymore if I want to be a hero."
She pushes away from his arms, and Eri feels hot and tense. She wants to pound on tables, and stomp her feet. For once, she wants the confusion to go away.
"Why?! Is it because you were hurt here? Is the one who hurt you in UA? If they leave, you can stay, right? Right, Deku-nii?!"
The questions come out really loud. She never thought she could be loud before.
Deku-nii looks surprised, before giving her another wrong smile, "It's not that simple, Eri. I'll explain everything when you are older, I promise. But, remember..."
He reaches out to hold her hands.
"It's not your fault, okay? It's not. You are wonderful, good, and kind. I am very lucky to have met Eri. As long as Eri is safe and happy, then I am happy too."
It's not an answer, but Eri is tired. Her world has changed once again, and she is powerless to fix anything. Deku-nii leaves her a box of candied apples, but she can't seem to smile as she holds it in her arms. She could only stand there as she watches Deku-nii walk away. Aizawa-san ushers her back inside once her hero was only a small shadow.
She can't make herself eat during dinner. She stares at the plate in front of her, and she knows it will be warm and delicious unlike the meals she used to have. Aizawa-san even promised she could eat sweets if she finishes the food, but her arms still feel heavy, and she just wants to lie on her bed again.
Aizawa-san doesn't eat too. His gaze on her is heavy, and his blank face feels just as wrong as Deku-nii's smile.
"Aizawa-san?"
"Yes, Eri?"
"Do you know who hurt Deku-nii?"
The sad-angry look is on his face again. Why does he look like that?
Eri doesn't want to think that she already knows why. Eri doesn't want to answer her own questions.
Aizawa-san nods.
"Is it... Is it..."
Eri can't say it. She thinks about the blank and formal goodbye Deku-nii gave to Aizawa-san. She thinks about why the man was so far away from her, from Deku-nii. She thinks about how Deku-nii left UA, and his teacher didn't stop him.
She doesn't like what it means. She doesn't like how it makes her feel.
So, she stays silent as she stares at her guardian. He won't meet her eyes.
The question rings in her mind.
Is it you?