Feel that I owe you a proper comment after our chat on Reddit.
I think the technical aspects of your writing are fine. Some of the stuff you do with the prose is interesting, with the bolded words and spacing towards the end of this chapter. Asuka's characterization around these events is solid enough. There are many aspects regarding the depiction of other cast members that feel pretty strange, however, that makes these events a bit hard to believe. Though, it's difficult for me to drill into someone who is writing something for the first time, especially when it's a premise originally centered around getting Asuka and Shinji to fuck. So please, interpret this as constructive criticism. Or don't, but I'll always want characters to feel more accurate to canon, even around the small tweaks.
Misato feels evil, that which she is not canonically. Her actions and dialogue come off as pretty forced. Toji seems to not get any of the blame for the photo racket, when in canon, he is clearly helping Kensuke out with the operation in the opening to EP9. Perhaps he didn't help in this particular AU, but it still comes off as a bit biased to me. Shinji comes off as extremely assertive when he beats Kensuke half to death, then seems to start assertive when combating Misato (still incredibly disagreeable to the way in which she acts) on the point of what he did, but then gives in and just allows Misato to kick him out. Tough to get a read on what you're intending with the discordance in his personality.
I don't think I'll check in on this one again should you update it, but I'd be intrigued to see if you ever put out anything that has a less explicit concept.
Comment on Just Settling a Debt, Right?
Zlodeji on Chapter 2 Tue 30 Sep 2025 08:07PM UTC
Last Edited Tue 30 Sep 2025 08:11PM UTC
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