The author of the story apparently doesn't want to interact with me much (having ignored my previous comment and deleting a reply to this one) but here you are picking up my bait so well I even got to know what you think about my fics :)
Okay, constructive criticism here: I don't like how such a defining part of life as childhood is ignored wholeheartedly in Luka's case. What I meant referring to war times is that people had much more serious problems, life-threatening, concerning basic needs - that really a fling that should be kept in secret pales in comparison. I don't see this in this fic. Perhaps that background story should be fitted into air raid happening around? Such a danger surely can bring people closer, seeking comfort in each other etc. Or maybe timelines wouldn't fit so perfectly but the first romantic interest might start there. As it is - it seems like the biggest problem young Luka had back then is no different to high school daily life in a peaceful area.
Announcing to the world that one's a gay would be even less realistic in football but that's not my point. I mean his own regard of himself. Sergio is perfectly ok with himself, doesn't strike me as a man that has much (any?) insecurities. Sure we can make him OOC in his love life in fiction, ignore the existence of his wife-to-be, make him a shy gay - but for what? I'd prefer to read about actual Sergio. Of course I don't have any sources to find out what he likes on erotic terms so I just transport his character from other aspects of life as best as I can to these silly inexistent romances I write about him here. That's how I understand making a person in character, trying to make a sex scene in (the same) character.
Multiple partners, well, yes should we count how many girlfriends he had before Pilar? Doesn't really look to me as monogamy. New girl every two years, one night stand with a newly met one while being in a relationship with another at the time. That's cheating. And that's just what the press caught. I bet there were more people. Perhaps he's faithful now... Perhaps he'd be more respectful to a friend from the team, that's right, he always strives to assure good atmosphere at the club. [Which is so charmingly unfitting for someone with his temper.] On the other hand he wasn't very respectful - in terms of faithfulness - with his girlfriends, so why should guys be treated differently? Perhaps there aren't any guys in real life, perhaps that's too much fanfiction on my part speaking. We'll never know, not in our times. Even he's not that reckless to confess something like this XD
Ah, the thing that stung the most. Perhaps I let one of my fave tropes - of being walked on in - overshadow actual characters. Or perhaps not. That fic is purposefully humorous. In the scene he's not in the mood to think (not that it's his strongest trait any given time but especially in moments when pleasure clouds reason - no one's good at thinking then). Also how many pics he uploads with himself in nothing but underwear? He's clearly comfortable with his body - maybe wants to show off tattoos too but that's connected. But okay, perhaps stretching his attention craving toward being ok with sex in public was a bit of an overdo.
Ahah want to continue the last two threads? I find it frustrating but then enlightening because it forces me to analyze my writing instead of resting on laurels. You're welcome to come and let me know how you dislike my fics. That's no sarcasm XD no kudos, just come and yell at me sometime. We may disagree a lot because what you find sweet, I find boring, what I find funny, you find offensive. But I like word battles.
Well, now we're getting somewhere. This kind of review would be more useful/interesting to read, if not by the author(I can't speak for them), by other readers, something to reflect upon and agree or disagree.
Some things you said are valid in my opinion, like the war input, why not. It would indeed be interesting (I'd love to read a story addressing this with the deserved care), but not as a requirement here. Is it even their intention to go that deep in this fanfic? Possibly not. Didn't strike me this way. Others, though, like about Sergio, I still don't share your point of view. Shy gay? I missed it. Doesn't have any insecurities, you really believe someone is 100% sure of himself? Alright. I still do not think so.
I didn't know about this press gossip about his relationships, so you might be right on that. I do believe it would be different with someone he actually respects and has feelings for (Pilar, in the real life context, Luka, in fictional context), but as you wisely said, we'll never know, not in our times.
Regards your fics, I'm sorry for my coments being that harsh for a first impression of them. I would never go to a writer's (or anyone's) page to trash on their work, no matter how much I don't agree with them. I just accept we have different perceptions and styles and leave them be, since they're entitled to have their own interpretation of someone and there's nothing we can do about it.
I did get the humour vibe in Valdebebas - the plot twist was smart - but didn't fit my personal taste - which, who cares, really?. I liked Jealousy personally though. *shrugs* I won't babble about the recent stories you wrote here bcs 1.this is still someone else's comment session lol 2.Why would I do that, does it even matter.
Everybody's here to enjoy their things, which is why I frowned upon your first approach. If you wanna talk and discuss stuff in a chill way, even though we have different opinions regards certain topics, it's cool to me. My tumblr or ao3 profile is always open.
I'm new on here, so if its normal to respond to every single comment on a work, I wasn't aware of that. Sorry if I was rude by not addressing your previous comment.
It feels sort of silly to try and defend my writing, because if someone doesnt like it, that's fine and they don't have to read it. I will give you an explanation for some of the choices I've made though, since I guess that's what you want.
First, I think the whole idea that the most important part of Luka's life was the fact that he was a refugee has been exaggerated by the media because it's an easy story to sell. He has literally said in interviews that his parents worked to make his childhood as normal as possible and that he wasn't really aware of the war. In any case, the war was over by the time Luka was ten, and he didn't start playing for Zagreb until he was sixteen, so to have an air raid during the quick paragraph where Luka was remembering his past relationship would not make sense. Plus, the paragraph isn't meant to show the most difficult experience of Luka's life or anything like that, just the thing that makes him reluctant to start a relationship with Sergio.
As for Sergio, I feel like we just have such different conceptions of him. I agree that he's confident, and I've tried to portray him as mostly confident here, too, while trying to address how being secretly gay would impact his personality. And I think he's also sweet and affectionate and thoughtful, both in real life and here.
I've actually enjoyed some of your stories, even though they're really different than mine, because I understand that we're all just making things up.
Just like you welcomed us to read your stories even if we didn't like them only in order to get in a debate with you, I would ask you not to do the same for me. I don't want someone to read my story if it will make them frustrated or bored, and honestly, I'm just writing this for fun and stress relief, so I'm not too worried about constructive criticism.
Comment on Pick Me Up
madridog (FakeCirilla9) on Chapter 3 Fri 15 Mar 2019 02:44AM UTC
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Esparafuso on Chapter 3 Fri 15 Mar 2019 05:48AM UTC
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LoveLeah on Chapter 3 Fri 15 Mar 2019 12:22PM UTC
Last Edited Fri 15 Mar 2019 02:21PM UTC
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