Hello this was amazing and I would like to know why you felt like you needed to just keep punching me in the face with this amazing thing.
This is such a fascinating look at Esteban. In the story normally, his mildly tyrannical and possessive qualities are charming and endearing and dare I say kind of cute. And this doesn't change all of that, but digging so far into his psyche REALLY puts a lot of things in perspective. First of all, he really does think the world revolves around him. And it's understandable why (it does), but "he fucked up" in reference to a rebellion happening and his being abducted? Really? Jesus, Esteban, there are things you don't control.
Also, I get that Sandro was encouraging him to do better and wanting him to be the best he could be etc etc etc, but it's pretty clear that that little display (presumably lasting several years) of belittling Esteban in that very particular way has not done good things for his psyche. He won't even be on his back during sex with the love of his life! Which is fine, people have their preferences and preferred positions and things they're happy with and so on and so forth, but the fact that he associates a sex position with something demeaning is really worrying--and the fact that he's comfortable with Victor being in that position is also really worrying. The fact that Gilberto wearing a dress threatens his masculinity is really worrying. I'M VERY WORRIED BL, TALK TO YOUR SON.
And on the topic of Esteban needing to be hit over the head with a dumbass stick: "But, Victor didn’t love Esteban as much as Esteban loved him." WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHY WOULD HE THINK THIS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ESTEBAN YOU ARE AN IDIOT SANDWICH WITH EXTRA MAYONNAISE. Again, I get why Esteban would think this--because he believe himself to be the centre of the world, he can only understand other people's emotions by comparison to his own and therefore only understands them in degrees rather than varieties--which is to say that because Victor's love looks different from Esteban's, which is of course the prototype upon which love is based, it is therefore less than Esteban's. I don't understand how Esteban can think the world of Victor, which he clearly does, and also think so little of him and it hurts to know that's how he feels.
Now let's think for a moment about the fact that Esteban thinks of Victor as a toy. Which I know he means in a playful way for the most part, but it's also clear he doesn't mean it entirely as a joke and holy crap Esteban, that's a person you're talking about. But of course everything is a toy to Esteban, isn't it? So it's not really all that surprising. And then that's combined with his absolute abject terror that someone is going to try and take Victor away from him and somewhat justified by the fact that everyone knows that's how to hurt him. And the fact that he has all these hang-ups about being weak, being servile, being submissive, which all seem to me to be a multifaceted fear of being vulnerable, and now everyone knows his biggest weakness, really is a testament to how he loves Victor, because if he didn't, I don't think he'd keep him around.
So yeah, this is a super interesting character study of Esteban and I love it but I'm also going to punch him in every part of his body if I ever see him (and then die because he's a giant and good at fighting and I am not).
Aside from Esteban's everything, a few other things I'd like to comment on:
Yazmin is A+ new favourite character. Love her, love this line especially: “Thanks. Don’t actually remember where I got it. But, I’m sure it was expensive.” That's so amazing. And just walking into the men's privy because she can and commenting on everyone's equipment, top-tier power move. I was expecting Esteban to be that guy who stands beside you in an empty bathroom and makes everything awkward, so when he was like "obviously there's an etiquette to this" I was legitimately surprised, and then this happened. I was dying. I love her.
Ignacio still has a few dozen hangups about his sexuality, I see. I'm glad he's being semi-open about it, but his fear of speaking about it even to Esteban, who is literally the second gayest person in the world and also his friend, is so sad. But that said, I'm glad he's friends with Esteban. Queer people need queer friends, so I hope that being together as friends will help Ignacio be even more comfortable with himself than he's already learned to be.
Also, obviously, it was super useful to learn that both Ignacio and Esteban are packing, so thanks for that, Yazmin. I feel like we knew Esteban was big, but maybe he should consider changing his epithet to Esteban the Well-Endowed. I feel like Victor could get in front of behind that. XD
Benedicto and Gilberto continue to be the cutest together and I love them, and how they bicker even when Esteban is literally about to kill someone. I just hope their occasional bouts into Benedicto worrying about Gilberto straying doesn't turn into a full-fledged argument someday. But! I am glad to know that Benedicto is the only sane man (boy) at this party. Eating an entire jalapeño? What is wrong with...literally everyone? They all deserve stomach pain and bowel problems smh. And Benedicto shouldn't take care of them when it happens!
So. This was amazing, I'm glad to be reading some of your writing again and I look majorly forward to the new stuff that's coming soon. I love this and I love Esteban and I hope you have a good Thanksgiving and I really hope someone talks to this shithead someday before he explodes in a cloud of internalized heteronormative gender roles.
Well, I must say this was a much deeper look into my character than I was expecting, but it’s not unwelcome XD I’ll try to summarize my thoughts as much as I can :)
First things first, let me just say that he definitely thinks the world revolves around him, as that’s basically what he’s been fed his whole life. As for his feeling guilty for the rebellion, I’d say it wasn’t... completely unjustified? It certainly wasn’t his fault or anything! But, his capture was the culminating factor to the rebellion’s rise to power—if he hadn’t been captured and held hostage, the Kingdom wouldn’t have had any reason not to just march in and exterminate the threat before it became, well, a threat XD
You are absolutely right that the way Sandro trained/intimidated him has had a negative effect on Esteban’s psyche. It’s certainly not a good thing that he feels weakness when he’s on his back, but I don’t really think it should be too worrying about Victor being in that position! Despite his, ahem... ‘kinky thought process,’ Esteban doesn’t ACTUALLY think of Victor as a lesser person than him. Victor has stated out loud that he prefers that position, and Esteban recognizes and respects that. He would never make him do anything he didn’t really want to do.
BUT, you are right again about how threatened he is by Gilberto’s interest in crossdressing being worrying. If it helps any, he would NEVER actually hurt Gilberto—or any of his friends—for any reason... But, if Gilberto did wear a dress, he probably wouldn’t be given the stamp of Princely approval. Never fear, I shall try to talk some sense into him! XD
Now, for the comment on their differing loves for each other. First off, eww, I’m not eating that sandwich XD Secondly... I’m no expert on this ‘love looks different’ thing, so I’m not gonna try to argue whether you’re right or wrong on that front. But, I will clarify: Esteban’s disbelief in Victor loving him as much as he does him has nothing to do with an ‘inferiority complex’—again, Victor is NOT actually a lesser person in his eyes. He believes this, because he feels betrayed by the fact that Victor thought he was faking his love for him, and Esteban firmly believes that he himself would NEVER accuse Victor of ‘faking their love.’ Now yes, I acknowledge how selfish that sounds on Esteban’s part, but... he was hurt. And, people tend to believe bad things when they’ve been hurt.
I’m gonna be honest, I was NOT thinking about the possible problematic implications that would come with Esteban calling Victor his ‘favorite toy.’ I honestly only intended for it to be a cute nickname! DX But yes, I can see how bad in seems now that you mention it. Again, and I can’t stress this enough, Victor is NOT a lesser person to him. But, I will say that his ultimate fear of being vulnerable IS definitely something to be worried about. It is a good thing that he loves Victor so much, otherwise this story would get REAL depressing REAL quick.
So, thank you for the intense character study! It has opened my eyes to a lot. :D But, I’m not paying for your medical bills. That one’s on you >.>
Now, as to the rest of your comment:
I love Yazmin too! :D She was one of the things I was most excited for in this chapter! Rest assured, she has a role to play in this story. We’ll be seeing more of her, and more of her badassery. :)
Ignacio’s still got some things he needs to work through, but at least he has his friends around to make him feel better! Queer people do indeed need queer friends! Hopefully everybody else is as open-minded about his polyamorous relationship as Esteban is.
And yes, all I have to say is... Yes, Victor would definitely approve of that epithet XD
I couldn’t very well go through this chapter without showing Gilberto and Benedicto in all their bickering glory! I hope they’re arguments don’t get too serious too. I think they’ll be alright.
But, IDK what u talkin bout with the ‘sanity’, he’s clearly the only one NOT sane here. I assure you nobody is getting ANY sort of sickness! What type of person WOULDN’T gobble down a whole jalapeño? Like Esteban said, it’s not our fault northerners can’t handle some spice >.>
Thank you so much, and I’m glad to be back! And just to clarify, it’s NOT heteronormative gender roles, just toxic masculinity. :)
Comment on Unspoken Memories
AntagonizedPenguin on Chapter 13 Tue 26 Nov 2019 02:42AM UTC
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LatinoGamer123 on Chapter 13 Tue 26 Nov 2019 11:54PM UTC
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