GOOD MORNING!!! time to finish this fic !! also have you watched slimes new video?? awesome content. okay. sooo
"The sun had only just begun to set behind the back of the manor when Techno next pulls into the familiar front loop, armed with a stomach full of absolutely nothing nutritious, four hours of sleep, and a revitalized urge to become financially stable no matter the cost. In the daylight, the manor really is quite pretty — despite the overall gaudiness of the place, the architecture is a veritable work of art, and Phil obviously takes meticulous care of the gardens out front. Techno can’t help but chuckle at the mere possibility that he makes his sons do chores. Watching either child try to figure out a lawnmower is something he would pay to see. From a safe distance, of course." techno u don't seem very healthy....... you should. idk. maybe eat veggies??? greens are GOOD for you you know???>>
BROOOOOOO tommy is a fucjing zombie in here (hehehehheehhehe) bro just wants to take a bite outta technos arm and yall stopping him....... "Tommy sinks his teeth into Techno’s forearm with an angry squeak. Techno grimaces. “Ow.”" JUST OW????? BRO TECHNO U BUILT LIKE A TRUCK OMGG,, , . . .. . . . .. . .. .. HAVING A PAPER TRAIL OF OUR ADDRESSES??? AS IN. MUKTIPLE HOMES?? AS IN. RICH???? AS IN. TORY???? AS IN. PHILZA MINECRAFT?????? are y'all secretly supervillains that torture people for fun and will kill you ifthey wanted to..... . .. . .nah i don't really see philza minrcraft doig that coug ch coughdark sbi tag? wdym?? this is a normal human American family.
"Phil cocks his head and scans them for a moment. “For Tommy?” He says. “Yes. Usually he goes straight for an artery.”
“Wow. I must be special.”
“For sure.”" HAPYPP HELPP???????? OMH GUHHY8FHGHG TOMMY?????? MURDERINNIT #TRUE?? #REAL???? #NOTALIE????>?????? tommy when bedrock bros and not killing technoblade right away. also I'm kinda hungry so I'm gonna go make myself some porridge will be RIGHT BACK. (say hi to boyfriendbloo for me!!!) okay so i put the porridge into the microwave and I'm in a hotel so if this explodes i will have to pay a lot (please don't explode)
"Phil points a stern finger at him as he tucks his wings into the slits in the back of his trench-coat. “She’s not actually my ex-wife; I just call her that in restaurants to make the people sitting around us uncomfortable.” He shifts his gaze to Techno and raises his eyebrows. “Cheapest way to get a little privacy in a restaurant. Ladies love it.”" okay ((FUCKKKKK OPHIE MY OATMEAL EXPLODED NOOOOOO FUCK SHIT BTICH ASS FUCK OMG NOOOO MY HOTEL ROOM IS SO MESYSY I WILL CRYYYYYYYYYY)) so i swear if you actually use this. but like. if phil was my dad and he did this i would laugh out loud that full on lol shit.
((my OATMEALLLLLLL FCKKCKCKKKKKKKKK))
"The door shuts behind him with a resounding crash. For a couple seconds, there is nothing but silence ringing between Techno’s ears. Then he feels something wet and cold drag against the skin of his forearm, and the moment shatters. Techno lifts his arm. “I actually prefer the licking to being bitten,” he whispers to Tommy, who immediately looks furious and bites down harder in reply. A ripple of satisfaction rolls down Techno’s neck. Boom. I’m already great at this." techno that is not how children work you are going to kill them or something who caes if they're murdereers they're still CHILDREN gosh he's gonna forget to feed them or something I'm calling on it RIGH TNOW gosh techno blade.
HELO>????? HELP OMG. THEYRE LITERAL SOCIOPATHS . GOSH TOMMY YOURE GONNA GROW UP INTO A SERIAL KILELER OR SOMETHING. also AWWW they're so adorable and sweet like actually!!! I'm so happy tommy trusted techno enough to show him his stash of........ uhh.. heads. and rocks.
"Tommy perks up immediately. “Female!”
“A felon, ” Wilbur corrects primly.
Tommy sinks back into his seat, scowling. “Same thing.”" IVE SEEN THIS PART TOO OMG. tommy u . u so true. women ARE felons. so . sneaky bastard. u.
fucking sobs my oatmeal is still explodediwill cry. anyway. "It most definitely is. A fuzzy, black, slightly jostled tarantula sits in Techno’s palm, flicking its legs in annoyance. Grumbling, Tommy darts back around him and scoops the spider back into his hands. “It’s not a tarantula,” he says. “His name is Shroud. And he’s very poisonous.”" shudders . gosh i fucking hate spiders i will. EW. tommy: i will kill you. techno: ok.
gosh tommy is an actual demon.
note to self the oatmeal IS edible but tastes like dog shit i repeat do NOT eat it
RBOOOOO they're not actually trying to kill him HELP???? bros just tryna kill techno and techno just don't give a shit. mf will do ANYTHING to pay off his uni debt FUCK LMAOOO.
"“Is your dad going to make me pay to replace the floor?” Techno asks, bewildered. Getting an anvil to the top of the head would have definitely taken him out of commission for midterm season. That would have fucking sucked ." HELP????? TECHNO STOP YOU LITERALLY HAVE ZERO SELF PRESERVATION O H YM GOD.
"“You said I could kill him!” Wilbur’s fists come down hard squarely against Techno’s shoulder blades. Ow . “You said!”
“This is my trap!”
“It wouldn’t have worked without me!”
“It’s my trap!”" BOYS BOYS CALM DOWN you both can TAKE TURNS.
"He begins to feel a presence behind him as he dumps the dry noodles into the boiling water (all of Phil’s shit is cast iron. It’s fancy. And weird.). He doesn’t turn around, nor does he give any other indication that he knows the presence is there. It looms behind him as he stirs, then skitters around the other end of the island when he moves to the (insultingly large) fridge to grab the milk and butter. Phil keeps his bread in the fridge, like some sort of freak. He also has bagged milk, like some sort of even freakier freak. Or some sort of Canadian. This is an affront to God, Techno thinks with a grimace as he drops the container on the counter. I think this unsettles me more than the anvil Wilbur nearly dropped on my skull." you keep bread in the fridge when you're about to use it that's how that shit WORKS, OPHIE/??? you put ut in the freezer when you're not gonna use it for a while, and you take it out when you're using it presently also stfu arent u Canadian .
mmmmmm this is some good oatmeal
BOMITS THIS SHIT IS LIKE DOGSHIT EWWWWW
"Techno nods solemnly. Then, without hesitation, Tommy drives a fist into his face and promptly begins bawling again. Fuck. I forgot this kid was insane. Techno steps back in shock but Tommy practically lunges for him, pressing his snot-covered face into the middle of Techno’s t-shirt. “Die!” He shrieks, trapping Techno in a demented bear hug. “Die from my poison!”" OH YMG FO???? > TECHNO U STUOOID BASTARD THISIS SO FUCJING FUNNY I AM CRYING RIGHT NW HAHAHGRUGUGGYUGUGYDGDDGD TOMMY YESSSS S KILLTHE BABYSITER KILL THE ABBYSITTER!!!!!!! ifucking hate keybards this is just ghomophnbci
bro techno didn't drink the tea bc it had almonds this is unfair i love almonds ;((((( ophie u are no t this is . almonds are tasty
oh dude cool its 10am. what to dooooo...AWWWWW TECHNOOO YOURE HELPING HIM WITH HIS MURDER CONFIDENCE!!! THIS IS SO SWEET OMG...... i am crying this is like literal tooth rotting fluff right here.
tommy is a rabid dog with rabies.
"“And I like violence, and throwing people into lakes, and I like my dad but especially when he’s murdering people.”" okay first off lightning just striked and I'm in a hotel and if this building collapses i will kill someone. also. AWWWWW TOMMYM THATS SO SWEEEEEEETTTT OQAW OMGGGGGGGGGG WHOLESOME SBI MOMENT #TRUE
did he just bite a popsicle.
ew.
wtf.
ew i just sneeeezeeeddddewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww also damp rocks r fucking sick ass
"Techno looks at the envelope, then at Phil again. “There’s anthrax in here, isn’t there?”
Phil grins. “I don’t use brand names.”
Techno nods. “Cool. Understood.” He slips the envelope into his back pocket. “Thanks for having me over.”
“Thank you for doing an amazing job! I’m surprised you’re still in one piece.” Phil looks him up and down, laughing in amazement. “ Really, really surprised." ONE ONE. OIGRUIGFGFYHGFGH ANTHRAX IS FUCKING SCARYH HELO????? WHERE DI D HE??? GET THAT????/? ALSO also not just phil actually expecting to come home to a dead body HELP??>? ?? ? /HSYUEGGHSYUD
OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY SOi just finished it it was AMAZING your comedy skills are awesome standup comedian OHPIE !!! omg. i am in LOVE with this so much. i am so fucking proud and I'm so happy that you posted this. i really hope you have a great day bc this was AWESOME!!!
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