Thank you for the comment!
I'd love to hear what you have to correct, I strive to improve in writing!
And there is quite a lot I have prepared about hybrids... This particular bit will be revealed in chapter 3!
As for Dream and Tommy... It will come, and it'll be wholesome (eventually), but it's gonna take place much later in the story... Stay with me, and look out for hints! ;)
Ooo can't wait to see the hybrid lore. I do love me mysteries. Seeing "Dream and Tommy" and "wholesome" in one sentence feels like a crime, I don't know how you're going to pull that off considering that so far the story seems to follow canon. I'll definitely have the popcorn ready tho!
As for the corrections, it's no problem really! I just finished correcting it, minor things really. Do I just copy it out here in a comment or do you have a platform you prefer I send the edited file on. I was thinking maybe Discord, but anything should be fine! Let me know ^-^
Hmm, I do have a discord, but I don't know how to share it privately with you... Do you? I'll look into it tomorrow, it's getting late for me.
For now can you put the sentence/paragraph with the corrections on a comment on ao3? I'll manage. Or are there too many ? :"{
As I wrote my comment I remembered the Discord code and yeah definitely not a good idea. Maybe Tumblr? It's also pretty late here so we can figure it out tomorrow. For now I can post them right here, no problem! And no there aren't that many mistakes don't worry, it's mostly taking out a few words to smoothen out your sentences, to easily picture the scenes. I hope I'll indicate well which lines these are in.
Oh god, Ao3 disables effects so a brief explanation of the symbols:
-word- : means delete (I tried to put a strikethrough but it won't work)
(word) : means the word is fine but can be replaced by a better one in terms of context. The word replacement will follow after.
[word] : means the expression is a bit confusing so try simplifying it.
Alright hopefully that made sense, these are in chronological order:
| -the- gunpowder
| until blood was pouring -from Dream-
| Quackity's grin turning into a frown -he caught-
| [throwing his head down into his knees] I can see what you mean by that but this throws off the reader, maybe try separating each element like a comma right before "throwing". Or you can replace "throwing" by "knocking" to give a better idea of the impact of the book.
| bound by -the- black chains
| Not even (him) he could see nor touch them.
| disturbingly looking (in) into Quackity's eyes
| -Which produced- a sound barely louder You can link the previous sentence with this one by replacing the deleted part by a comma since the main element still is Dream's voice.
| "Did I hear (it) that right?"
And I think that's everything! I apologise for how long this comment will be oh lord. Hope this helps! They're mostly simple errors, I learned that the less you put "the" in front of words, the better. Many languages use a lot of determiners but English doesn't really need them all that much. Please let me know if anything is unclear. Goodnight ^–^
Thank you so much! And yes, you're totally right about "the", I just hadn't spotted these ones... Thanks!
1- Yes, yes of course
2-I felt like that would have been too much mystery, but you're right, those are just unnecessary words...
3-Very true, very true, now that I read it without
4-THAT. That was the word I was looking for! Thank you!
5-Yeah. Just, yeah. (How did I not see that?)
6-You're totally right on that one. I knew something was weird but couldn't put my finger on it. Thanks!
7-Now this is just me being blind
8-That's okay in English? It feels a bit weird to me, with no verb like that... But I have an idea to get rid of the "which": "; a sound barely louder than his whispers escaped his lips." It's a bit better, no? I'll put that in for now.
9-Once again, yeah.
I wanted to thank you every time, but it would have been a bit much... So big thanks to you! I fixed everything you noticed, normally.
Also, I thought about something if you're still interested in beta-ing. I don't have Tumblr... or social media really. But! Since I've activated comment moderation on this work, you can put your discord (one you're comfortable giving a stranger like me) in a comment, I'll send you a friend request (you'll know it's me), and I'll delete your comment without approving it so it never shows on public. It still will be less private, people of ao3 can probably access deleted messages, but it won't be there for anyone to see. What do you think? If I don't delete it (you have no reason to trust me like that from the get go) you can edit it off, which should produce the same effect.
We can do an identity check sort of the same way with Discord and ao3 in parallel afterwards for our comfort.
I'd love to have your help, you seem good at this! (Benefits : reading the chapters in advance. Sadly no salary, but maybe a future friend?)
Also, would you like me crediting you in the end notes of this chapter?
It was my pleasure!! I love discovering different types of writing, each style enriches the story and Ao3 really exposed me to some of the best works out there! What I love most about Dsmp is that it really gives you the opportunity to write it as you like, expand on whatever plot that caught your eye, some minecraft mechanics are translated differently depending on how realistic you want it to be, etc.
Yeah "the" tends to slip through our fingers, but thank you for your feedback, I greatly appreciate it, some made me laugh xD Oooh you know what you're right about the 8th one, you can delete "which", nice.
A biiig welcome to your thank yous! Your idea for exchanging codes is genius! I'll send it through a separate comment so you can keep this one up. As for beta-ing, oh I'm so down, no need for a salary, reading chapters in advance is an honour! In terms of credits, I believe there's no need for such minor changes. I would also love to be friends! (^∇^)
I'm sure we'll both improve our writing skills, vocabulary, and storytelling in no time!
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